The Onion
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me is hay and oats. But I am thinking it would be nice to have a different food.
I am thinking I would like to try cake.
Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape.
Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy.
Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All day I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much.
I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, “You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on.”
Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and puff my nose at it like hrrrfff to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to know it with my face. Then I will lick the colorful top part and touch it with my lips. Finally, I will bite the cake and have the taste of its inner softness. I will chew and say prrt prrt because I am happy, and everybody will clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other.
I cannot think of a more glad time. So, please, give me cake.
Of the eight tastes I know about, I think cake probably tastes most like medicine and mud. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. There is a fly standing on my eyeball but I don’t even care because all I can think about is cake and wanting it badly. I already weigh 2,000 pounds from eating hay and oats. I do not want more of that now. There is only one thing I want. You know what it is.
So you see, it is clear that you must give me cake. I am a nice horse. I do not fuss. I do not bite the human woman’s face, even though her hair smells nice. I do not ask to go live free in the woods like the deer. I do my duties. I must try cake. Please.
Hnnnnnnn. Heeeee-huh-heeee! Just give me the cake.
Please. I am begging you. I am showing you my teeth and stomping my hooves so you know that I want the cake. Prrrrrft! Prrrrrft! I must have it, do you see? I am standing on my back legs and screaming due to needing the cake. Please, humans. Please. Please! I am a good horse. Hmmrrrr, nrrrrffff! Put a cake on a table right now. I wish with all my heart that you will do this for me. So you must give it to me. Because I am the good horse. I am a good horse and I deserve cake.
The Onion.
Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship
BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship. “An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but it’s no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings,” said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan, explaining that while the small appliances were useful for many things, such as reheating leftovers and cooking frozen foods, they were simply not built to provide those who use them with lasting and meaningful social bonds. “Fostering connections with the people around us can be challenging, especially for those who lead busy lives. It’s important, however, not to fall into the trap of relying on a countertop convection oven as your only form of emotional support. These are man-made devices that prey on our isolation and are designed to deliver an addictive hit of dopamine every time you bite into a perfectly crisp Brussels sprout or golden-brown chicken nugget. With more and more Americans turning to air fryers for comfort, it’s important to remember that any kinship you may perceive is a shallow imitation of the warmth and joy you’d feel if a real-life friend fried some potato wedges for you.” McDougan added that as air fryer technology continued to advance in the coming years, it would likely become even more difficult to distinguish between true human affection and extra-crunchy bacon.
The Onion.
Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country
TENAFLY, NJ—According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod. “People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form of a bull,” the minor deity said Wednesday, leaning on his mop as he explained that despite coming from a privileged household on Aeolia, he never considered himself above janitorial work. “Sometimes when I’m mopping the cafeteria after lunch, I think about all the time I used to spend rubbing elbows with the Muses at Mount Olympus. Yeah, it would be nice if I got a slightly bigger paycheck so I could take the occasional trip back to Hyperborea. If I could do it over again, I probably wouldn’t have come here as part of those Twelve Labors. But whatever. Can’t live your life in the rearview, you know?” Danielopoulos then reportedly sighed and returned to scraping gum off the underside of a desk.
The Onion.
Sara Morse and Beth Lozano
The pair said “I do” Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer.
The Onion.
Schtick-Starter
The Onion.
ClickHole
Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That
Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that.
Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry!
“We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.”
It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it!
In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision.
“We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.”
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
“Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.”
United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account
Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!
Grandpa’s 4 Least Successful Attempts At Becoming An Influencer
As we all know, Grandpa has long dreamed of becoming an influencer and has been trying for years to make it happen. He’s never really come close, but some of his attempts have been worse than others. Here are Grandpa’s four least successful attempts at becoming an influencer.
1. The Time Grandpa Tried To Make A YouTube Channel Dedicated To Raising The Dead
One of Grandpa’s biggest influencer misfires was when he started a channel called Conquering Death With Grandpa Sal, a YouTube channel where he tried to raise the dead. There were endless problems with this channel right from the get-go. First of all, Grandpa thought the way to raise the dead was by clipping alligator clamps for jumpstarting cars onto the corpses’ hands and then starting his car. This didn’t bring the corpses back to life, but it did make them jiggle around and catch on fire. Grandpa’s catchphrase for the channel was, “If they move at all, then they’re back from the dead,” which did not end up catching on even though he ended every video with it. Worst of all, Grandpa got the corpses for this channel by digging them up from the local cemetery, which was extremely illegal.
The channel received 1400 views in total over 600 videos, and he got arrested three times before he finally gave up.
2. The Time Grandpa Made People Fight To The Death To Win A Car That Wasn’t His To Give Away
Grandpa got really into Mr. Beast during the pandemic, and he was particularly inspired by the crazy contests Mr. Beast would do where contestants would compete for amazing prizes like Lamborghinis and mansions. In an attempt to jump-start his own influencer career, Grandpa started a YouTube channel which, in an attempt to game Google algorithms for people searching for the real Mr. Beast, he called “Mr. Old Grandfather Beast The Animal Mr. Contest.” In his first video, he made two strangers fight to the death and told them that the last man standing would win a Volkswagen Beetle.
The two men fought each other and one killed the other. Then Grandpa knocked on the door of the house where the Volkswagen was parked. A woman answered the door and Grandpa said, “Hello, I’m Mr. Contest, the Beast’s Animal Grandfather. This man just murdered someone and he won your car. Give it to him, please.” The woman looked at the contest winner, covered in blood and standing over the mangled corpse of the man he’d just killed. Then she said, “No, I need my car,” and closed the door. Grandpa shuttered the YouTube channel the next day.
3. The Time Grandpa Tried To Complete A 48-Hour Long Mukbang Marathon Livestream
Grandpa knew that the mukbang videos where people ate on camera were incredibly popular. He also knew that marathon livestreams were incredibly popular. He decided that if combined these two influencer trends, it would be a guaranteed path to fame and fortune. So Grandpa made a livestream video where he ate food on camera for 48 hours straight. He opened a donation tab and said that the money would go toward “helping the angry.” Unfortunately, the only food that Grandpa had on the stream were ingredients for tuna sandwiches.
After about 12 hours of eating tuna sandwich after tuna sandwich, Grandpa started to feel sick, but he had to keep going. Thousands of sandwiches later, Grandpa still had over 20 hours of eating left to do, and he had only raised $9 for the angry. He started begging the 20 viewers on his stream to let him stop, but they all commented, “No.” So he had to keep going. At hour 41, with just seven hours left to go, Grandpa fell face first into a pile of tuna sandwiches and slipped into a coma. The comments on the stream kept saying things like, “Eat more,” and “Coward, you are not done.” The stream continued for another seven hours until Grandma finally came into Grandpa’s office, turned off the webcam and called an ambulance. She told the ambulance to “drive here slowly.” Grandpa eventually made a full recovery.
4. The Time Grandpa Tried To Do Parkour And Disappeared Into The Sky
Grandpa made a YouTube channel called “Royal Parkour Of Grandpa.” In his first video, he ran toward a wall and jumped. He kept going up and up and up into the sky and never came down.
5 Common Scams That Fraudsters Use To Get You To Mail Them Your Eyeballs
Eyeball fraud is one of the top one hundred types of fraud currently happening online. In order to protect your peepers from digital eyeball thieves, it’s important to recognize the strategies they use to trick innocent people like you. Here are five common scams that fraudsters use to get you to mail them your eyeballs.
1. They Send You An Email With The Subject Line “Gonna Need Your Eyes…”
Let’s be clear: anyone who needs your eyeballs for a legitimate reason will ALWAYS put the reason they need them in the subject line of an email. Sometimes your doctor might send you an email with the subject line, “Mail Me Your Eyeballs So I Can Wash Them,” or your priest might send you an email with a subject line that says, “Give Me Your Eyes So I Can Throw Them At The Devil.” In these cases, the clarity is a good sign: you are probably not getting scammed.
BUT, If the subject line just says, “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” and the body of the email says something like, “You do not need to understand why your eyeballs must be mine. Please mail them to me as fast as anyone ever could,” then this is a red flag for sure. It’s almost a guarantee that this person wants your eyeballs for nefarious reasons unrelated to the health and security of you and your community.
2. They Claim You’ve Been Selected For An “Eyeball Exchange”
If you get a phone call or email from someone you’ve never met before claiming that you have been selected for something called an “Eyeball Exchange,” there’s a really good chance you are being targeted by an eyeball fraudster. The person on the phone might explain that you have been chosen to trade eyeballs with a famous person like Christian Slater or Matthew Rhys. They’ll say all you need to do is mail them your eyeballs and in the next five to six weeks you’ll receive a celebrity’s eyeballs in the mail that you can use as your own. Nine times out of ten, you are being tricked. You will never get Matthew Rhys’s eyeballs. They will have your eyeballs, and you will have empty eye sockets that you’ll need to fill with olives or golf balls.
3. They Send You A Postage Paid Box With The Words “Put Both Of Your Eyeballs In Here” On It
It might seem really convenient that these people have already paid for the postage to mail them your eyeballs, but think about what’s happening here: They haven’t told you WHO they are, or WHY they need your eyeballs. This is a major sign that they are trying to defraud you. They don’t want your eyeballs for any good reason. They’re just trying to steal from you.
4. They Take Out A Billboard Near Your House That Has An Address On It Assuming You’ll See It And Mail Your Eyes There
Sometimes you’ll be driving on a road near your house, and you’ll see a billboard that has nothing on it except a mailing address. Your first instinct might be to think, “That’s an awesome address. I should take out my eyeballs and mail them there.” While this might seem like the natural thing to do, you should definitely think twice. That billboard was most likely put there by criminals who want to trick you into mailing them your eyeballs for nefarious purposes, and as easy as it would be to send your eyeballs to their address, it might not be the best choice for you and your future health.
5. They Text You That The IRS Needs Your Eyes Or The Country Will Go Bankrupt
This should be common knowledge in our day and age, but the Internal Revenue Service will never text you demanding your eyeballs. If the IRS needs your eyes, they will send the President of the United States to your home to request them in person. So if you get a text from someone claiming to represent the IRS telling you that you need to send your eyeballs to the agency as soon as possible or else the United States will go bankrupt, you should immediately recognize this as a lie. On the other hand, if the president comes to your house and says, “It’s me, Donald Trump or Joe Biden or whoever is president right now, and this country needs you to put your eyeballs in my trouser pockets,” you should go ahead and do that, because that’s a real emergency eyeball situation and your country needs you.
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Duffel Blog
Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile
AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.
Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans
NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Daily Mash
Mediterranean shark to star in cheap nude Italian Jaws remake
Cricketer and rugby player get in fight about whose sport is shittest
THE captain of England’s cricket team and a Saracens rugby player came to blows in an argument about whose is the shittest sport, it has emerged.
England cricket captain Ben Stokes, pace bowler Gus Atkinson and an unnamed Saracens player fought in a nightclub after Stokes asserted his is the least popular and least watched sport in the country.
Witness Nathan Muir, who had never previously heard of anyone involved, said: “The rugby player stood up and said ‘Bollocks mate, rugby’s way less popular.’
“‘I play rugby union, not rugby league. Think one in a hundred people even knows the f**king difference? Not a chance. That’s how shit our sport is.’
“That got Stokes’s back up and he replied ‘Oh yeah? At least yours is enough like football people understand it. Even our fans don’t get the rules of cricket. It’s just an excuse for all-day drinking.’
“The Saracens player said ‘Enough like football? We are f**king football mate! Football where a posh kid picked up the ball and sanitised it for braying arseholes, outcast Northerners and the French. We’re rock-bottom shit!’
“Then they started hitting each other. They weren’t very good at it.”
Nobody is more excited for the football goal contest than I, come on you Home Nations, by Sir Keir Starmer
By Sir Keir Starmer, prime minister and fan of the Arsenals
JUST like the rest of the country, I can’t wait to see if the football will return to where it came from originally. Let’s hope those jewels remain still gleaming.
Only a cynic would assume I’m relaxing licensing hours for the World Cup to win over voters. That’s as untrue as I’m still prime minister. I’ve actually done it because I love the funny old game of two halves. ‘On my head, son,’ as they say.
Nothing makes me feel more cheery than a ‘striker’ placing a football in an onion bag. And if the forward comes from the United Kingdom, even better. After all, a win for England is a win for Team GB!
You’ll see a different side to me over the next few weeks. The cool, controlled Starmer you know and love will loosen up a bit. Don’t be worried if you spot little Union Jacks flying from my suit pockets or catch me supping a half. Because I contract footie fever.
I’m not just saying this because I’m the prime minister, but I really think Britain can score the most football points and win the league. So long as we stick to the classic forty-two formation and don’t go offside then the victor’s caps are as good as ours.
Imagine how good that would feel. Finally triumphing at soccer after 60 hurt years. I’d award the nation a bank holiday and knight whoever set up the winning kick.
Of course, as every fan knows, it’s the taking part that counts. So if Brazil scores from one of their famous set-piece corner penalties? There’s always another World Cup next year.
What tabloids were like in the 80s: an embarrassed dad explains
MY teenage son has asked if red-top newspapers really behaved like that in the 1980s when I was a boy delivering them. He’s not going to f**king believe this:
Yes, they used to count down to a 16-year-old exposing her breasts
It just… wasn’t uncommon. Gave the working man on the bus something to look forward to. Look, Samantha Fox was 16 when she became a Page 3 girl and she was nationally famous. The age of consent was 16 and, well, that’s as far as our thinking went. In my defence I was 13 at the time, so as far as I was concerned I had a thing for older women.
Yes, there was endless speculation about the sex lives of teenagers
The girls mentioned above obviously and various others, like the ‘Wild Child’ phenomenon. Who were they? They were these girls aged about 13 or so who went out in nightclubs stripping and getting drunk and having sex with older men. One of them married a Rolling Stone. We assumed it was all of their own volition. I now realise wrongly.
Yes, ‘poofs’ was considered appropriate to use in a headline
What does it mean? Gay people, but don’t assume that such a light, fluffy word it wasn’t used in a vicious, hateful way. It absolutely was. It was regularly demanded that ‘poofs’ be sacked from any job, evicted from any housing and deported, especially if they were thought to be carrying ‘the gay plague’. Look, I’m just telling you what happened.
There were regular stories about sex vicars
What’s a sex vicar? Well, a vicar who has sex when he’s not supposed to, ie outside of a loving marriage to a mumsy woman. Instead he’s in a Soho peepshow, or having sex with a man in a toilet, or running off with the 16-year-old daughter of a parishioner, or disgracing himself in some other way. They were sort of celebrated. For shagging.
The problem page was a short photo story about sex
Every problem page features numerous made-up letters about sex and a photo story, running throughout a whole week, about a couple’s sexual problems. It was never just ‘my husband’s not interested’. It was always ‘my husband’s shagging the teenager next door and I’m having a lesbian affair with the vicar’s wife’. Not sure what the advice was.
Whole categories of society were scum
Poofs obviously, miners, all football fans, anyone who dared to be on strike including the printers of the tabloids themselves, students, lefties, layabouts, foreigners, foreigners over here, Russkies, Trots, every day there was a new category of people to hate. So pretty much like social media today, but a bit more undisguised and vitriolic.
I am so delighted to be the new James Bond. By Phoebe Waller-Bridge
GOSH, this is just such amazing news, isn’t it? I’m the new James Bond! Me, the posh Fleabag woman! And I’ve got some brilliant ideas for the script!
But first let me say what an honour this is. I’ve never watched a Bond film, or read the books, but I know Pierce Brosnan from Mamma Mia did it and if we can combine the humour of The Man with the Golden Gun with the invisible car in Die Another Day we’re onto a winner.
What will my Bond be like? Well, I feel she should be a messy, neurotic loser with no filter, so when I meet an attractive guy I’ll say something like: ‘You’re so hot I just sharted!’ Hang on, let me write that down.
Feminism should also be a big part, and the way to do that in films is to make women better at things than men in a smug way. Which is what my character did in the last Indiana Jones, which audiences loved. Even higher viewing figures than Fleabag!
One thing I will be keeping is the way Daniel Craig gave Bond a believable emotional core. I’d like to see Bond completely fail for once and get the sack. Then she’d get shitfaced and sit on the pavement crying as the credits roll. That would subvert our expectations of a Bond film.
I’ll also be breaking the fourth wall, which worked so well in Fleabag. I feel the laser scene in Goldfinger would be much improved if a female Bond turned to camera and said: ‘And you thought cystitis was bad!’
Why am I Bond? That’s easy – I’ve got a massive contract with Amazon, Bond’s been sold to Amazon, it makes perfect economic sense! ‘Maybe this will get her off her bloody arse,’ the head of movies said, and she was right!
And your final question? What will gender-swapped Bond will be called? It’s not easy renaming such an iconic character, but after intensive gin-in-tin brainstorming I cracked it: ‘The name’s Bond, Jane Bond.’ Can I have $250 million now?
The Poke
A Texas Maga blamed the reporter for Trump’s humiliating hissy fit and of all the clap backs, Stephen King surely said it best
By now, the whole world has seen the President of the United State get his feelings hurt and subsequently storm out of an interview with NBC News. Here’s a refresher, just in case: Trump has a meltdown and ends the interview Welker: Just to be very clear, there’s no evidence of what you’re saying. Trump: […]
The Poke.
People shared the movie quotes they still use in real life because they are so damn good – 17 big screen lines that stood the test of time
Certain movie quotes are so amazing, so perfect, that they’re a shorthand for the film itself. Even if someone just says ‘I’ll be back’, you know they’re talking about The Terminator. Then there are those lines which have seeped out of the cinema and become part of everyday conversation because even out of context they […]
The Poke.
Ted Cruz tried to warn Fox News viewers what will happen if Democrats swing the midterms and inadvertently told on himself in the process
If Magas are looking for the face of public sympathy, they couldn’t do much worse than trotting out Ted Cruz. And yet there he was front and center on Fox News, trying to warn viewers about the dangers of the upcoming midterm elections. The Texas Senator laid out the worst case scenario for himself, Fox, […]
The Poke.
JD Vance said the Republicans had a ‘great chance’ in the upcoming elections and his reasoning will make you wonder which dimension he is living in
JD Vance got his job because he can repeat every lie his boss tells with a straight face. That’s it. That’s all it takes to become Vice President in Donald Trump’s America. Exhibit A: Vance’s analysis of where Magas stand heading into the mid-terms. Vance on Midterms: I think we have a great chance because […]
The Poke.
Managers have been sharing the worst things employees did to get fired – 17 workplace exits to make your jaw drop
Sometimes people are sacked because of petty office politics or mistakes beyond their control. And other times they’re given the boot because they have messed up so badly that it’s the only reasonable outcome. This is tragic for the worker, but amusing for the rest of us. To get an insight into the wildest reasons […]
The Poke.
