BASTROP, TX—After news broke that the company’s AI tool had shared several antisemitic posts to X, Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he’d scrubbed the social media platform of the Jewish users who made Grok mad. “We are aware of several inappropriate posts made by our xAI chatbot, and we are working to remove the Jews who set it off,” said X spokesperson Emma Payne, adding that Musk and his team were working around the clock to purge several million users so that Grok never again had to encounter and spew hate speech at a religious minority. “We want to be very clear. We here at X will not tolerate any user who upsets our large language model because they are not Aryan, Christian, or of the purest of bloodline. We regret the error, and we will do everything in our power to update our code to ensure no Jew uses this social media site in the future.” At press time, Musk announced that he had also preemptively purged the platform of Black users just in case Grok started to get any ideas.

The post Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk has announced the formation of the “America Party” in response to President Donald Trump’s tax and spending bill, escalating their feud and aiming to challenge lawmakers who supported it. What do you think?

“I’ve done worse to get an ex’s attention.”

Jesus Silva, Pencil Craftsman

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“I’ll reserve judgement until I see what animal their symbol is.”

Olivia Rufolo, Ape Groomer

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“Divorced uncles need representation, too.”

Harold Took, Retired Weaver

The post Elon Musk Announces Formation Of New ‘America Party’ appeared first on The Onion.

KERRVILLE, TX—Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week’s deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. “I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One to dispute the $1,000 charge for the private Santorini boat tour I had to miss,” said Cruz, seeking to comfort residents who lost homes and loved ones by revealing that he had relentlessly fought the Four Seasons in Athens to refund the cost of his room after his trip was tragically cut short. “This is indeed a dark day for Texas, but I swear to you, I am working nonstop to get United to waive the ridiculous penalty I had to pay to change my flight. I realize more than anyone that merely getting a suite comped for a future stay at the Mykonos Riviera Hotel and Spa cannot possibly begin to ease the pain of losing one’s cash. I promise you this: I will find a way to keep my loyalty points. Refund efforts are well under way.” At press time, a triumphant Cruz told Texans in an emergency press conference that he had been able to use his miles to get a great deal on a trip to Cabo.

The post Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Casting doubts on the agency’s recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. “The department’s memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide—that’s very suspicious, don’t you think?” said Bondi, who told reporters the deep-state swamp was attempting, as it always does, to shield the rich and powerful from the consequences of their depraved actions. “I have it on good authority from someone on the inside that it’s all rigged, plain and simple. The corruption runs deep. The DOJ cannot be trusted. I mean, there’s a missing minute from the tape they released of his prison cell door. Like, come on, if that’s not a cover up, I don’t know what is.” At press time, Bondi claimed the truth would never come out as long as the compromised leadership of the Justice Department remained in charge.

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AUSTIN, TX—Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there were no more women for him to impregnate. “I have sown the many fields with my seed and reaped a bountiful harvest, yet now there are no new vessels to bear my fruit,” said Musk, who gazed through tears upon his infinite legion of mothers, expectant and otherwise, as he lamented the limits of his fecundity, having laid claim to every womb on Earth. “I traversed each valley of passion, plucked the last willing rose, and now no bloom remains for my yearning hand. O where is the yielding flesh for which I so pine? The sweet nectarines have all been gathered, and now my orchard lies bare. Could there be just one more maiden to cradle my progeny?” At press time, sources confirmed that Musk had decided to just get Grimes pregnant again.

The post Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Physician Dr. Kevin O'Connor, who served from 2020-2024, testified this morning that he has never known any person by the name of "Joe Biden."

U.S. — In just the latest example of the woke virus takeover, the newest installment of the Jurassic Park franchise will reportedly have a woman in it.

DAMASCUS — Following the announcement by the Transportation Security Administration that the policy requiring airline passengers to remove their footwear at airport checkpoints was being lifted, news broke that production had finally resumed at Crazy Mohammed's Shoe Bomb Factory.

U.S. — Toy maker Mattel has unveiled the latest in its Barbie lineup, the all-new "Ozempic Barbie" that comes with real syringes and a detachable belly for when the initially-chubby Barbie sheds that weight.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar announced this morning that she is officially engaged to the artificial intelligence system known as Grok.

It’s no secret that Mom and Dad’s marriage has been on the rocks for years. They’ve grown so distant, and some of their fights recently have been pretty vicious. It really seems like their relationship is crumbling. Fortunately, there is one thing holding their marriage together: Dad has no charisma and lives in a shed with dozens of filthy birds. Here are four times Dad tried to cheat on Mom, but failed because he has no game and lives in a chicken coop.

1. The Time Dad Invited That Woman From His Gym Back To His Place And A Rooster Chased Her Into The Woods

About three years ago, Dad’s wandering eye fell on a woman he met at the gym. Dad convinced her to come back to his place so that he could show her a YouTube video about snails. The woman did not want to watch this video, but Dad pulled one of his classic pickup moves and said, “If you don’t watch this video about snails with me, I will blow up my own car and many people will be injured.” The woman did not want him to do that, so she went back to Dad’s chicken coop. The smell made her throw up as soon as she walked in, and then Dad tried to “set the mood” by lighting a single birthday candle and asking the woman to hold it because he didn’t have any candlesticks. It’s incredibly unlikely Dad was going to get very far with this woman regardless, but his chances were completely dashed when the rooster he lives with saw the woman and chased her into the woods. The whole thing was pretty embarrassing for Dad in the moment, but there’s no doubt that it saved his marriage.

2. The Time Dad Texted His Coworker Nancy About How The Chickens He Lived With Had Given Him A Disease

Dad’s coworker Nancy is pretty nice, but she’s never really shown too much romantic interest in Dad. Unfortunately, Dad is terrible at reading signals, and one time Nancy sent a company wide email announcing an office food drive. Dad thought this mass email was Nancy flirting with him, so the next day he sent her a text that said, “I have an exotic disease that comes from living with chickens.” Then Dad texted Nancy a picture of Sean Connery with the caption, “This is my penis. Let’s kiss in my birdhouse.” Dad got fired and also did not get to sleep with Nancy. As a result, Mom and Dad remained married!

3. The Time Dad Set Up A Secret Dating Profile That Listed His Job As “I Live With Chickens And Steal To Eat”

Dad tried to cast a pretty wide net for his infidelity a couple years back by setting up a dating profile on a couple of apps and seeing if he could get some women to go out with him. Fortunately for Dad’s marriage, his total lack of game meant that his dating profile was absolutely terrible. First off, the picture he chose for his profile was that one where he’s trapped under a big log that fell on him. Second of all, under “Job,” he wrote, “I live with chickens and I steal to eat. I used to be an accountant, but I got fired for embezzling money from the company to pay for lip enlargement surgery.” Then, for the prompt, “Describe your ideal first date,” Dad wrote, “I look at your ass and I think about your ass and then we go back to my chicken coop and you show me your ass and I look at your ass.” And for the prompt, “What’s a fun fact about you?” Dad wrote, “My wife’s feet are bigger than mine.” Needless to say, Dad got exactly zero matches on the apps, and his marriage to Mom lived to see another day.

4. The Time Dad Crawled Out His Chicken Coop And Tried To Get The Amazon Delivery Driver To Help Him Behead A Chicken For Blasphemy

A few months ago, an Amazon delivery driver was walking up the driveway to drop something off at our front door, and Dad happened to spot her from his chicken coop. Dad crawled out of the coop covered in feathers and chicken shit and tomato sauce and said, “Hey baby, why not come live in this birdcage with me? I’ve got a bunch of chickens I need to kill for disgracing the Lord, and you look like just the kind of hot babe to hold the birds down while I chop their heads off.” The delivery driver said, “No, thank you,” and tried to leave, at which point Dad said, “Would it sweeten the deal if I told you that I’m extremely religious and I think people should get their heads chopped off for swearing and drinking beer?” The delivery driver said that this did not sweeten the deal and then got back in her truck and drove away. If Dad had been just a bit more suave and a bit less covered in chicken detritus, it’s possible he would have seduced this woman and ruined his marriage. Fortunately, he is a disgusting and unappealing man, and this has kept our family intact.

A pretty devastating situation is unfolding in a studio apartment in Chicago this morning, and if you’ve got a weak stomach for tragedy we recommend you look away: This loser whose life is pretty objectively in shambles just described himself as a perfectionist.

Absolutely heartbreaking. This is hands down the saddest thing that you’re going to read all day.

According to local news outlets, 29-year-old Alex Vernon’s life is a complete and total disaster, yet he somehow still views himself as someone whose biggest personal weakness is the pursuit of an unattainable standard of excellence. Sources close to Alex report that he is one of the biggest losers they know, but he has repeatedly claimed that he is someone who strives for complete perfection in all of his pursuits. It’s a level of self-delusion that experts have called “tragic” and “catastrophically ill-informed.”

Oof. You’ve really got to feel for this guy.

“I’m just the kind of person who isn’t satisfied unless I’m performing at the highest possible level,” Alex told reporters from the studio apartment where he lives alone and spends most of his time playing video games, doing drugs, and checking his online dating profile that hasn’t received a single match in over a year. “In both my work life and personal life, I drive myself crazy trying to make sure every little detail is flawless.”

Sources close to Alex recently clarified that his “personal life” refers to his relationship with his small group of friends, who largely find him insufferable and self-absorbed, and that his “work life” refers to his temp job working the check-in desk at a gym, which his manager has confirmed he will soon be fired from since he regularly fails to properly scan patrons’ ID cards.

It’s just baffling that this guy could take a look at his empty, dead-end existence and then turn around and say, “Yeah, I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” It’s possible that he has some grand plan for success that he just hasn’t realized yet, but for now, Alex’s life is clearly the result of his failing in absolutely everything he does in every possible way. Here’s hoping someone gives Alex a wake-up call soon so that he can stop describing himself as a perfectionist and start recognizing himself as the fuck-up he is.

It is during times of trial that it is most crucial to retain your sense of hope, and the following story is a powerful example of someone who held onto his optimism in the face of a dark situation: The long hair this man just found in his burrito might’ve come from a pretty lady.

So true! Now that’s how you look on the bright side!

While Adam Pfeffets of Boston, MA could’ve let the foot-long hair he just pulled out of his burrito ruin his lunch—or even his day—Adam has chosen not to focus on the potential health code violations associated with the hair, but rather on the fact that the it is long, shiny, and quite possibly from the head of beautiful woman. Given that he’s in a Mexican restaurant, it’s completely reasonable to think the woman may even be Latina!

What’s become even more impressive to Adam as he’s continued to eat his burrito is how the hair has remained intact despite having been cooked alongside rice, beans, and chorizo. The lone lock is an obvious symbol of its owner’s virility, vitality, and youth…which, in a wonderful twist of fate, are the exact qualities Adam is looking for in a wife! Could this beautiful Latina woman become his bride? Perhaps he could take her salsa dancing for their first date!

Though Adam is alone in the restaurant, save for the long-haired teenage employee at the register (whose hair is clearly dark brown, not light black like the hair in the burrito), Adam is sitting up straighter as he finishes the rest of his meal, just on the off chance that a beautiful woman walks back inside to ask if anyone’s seen the strand of hair she accidentally left behind.

What an inspiring tale! Where other men would have demanded a refund from this burrito shop, Adam instead left a 5-star Google review stating, “If you have long hair and have dined here recently, call me.”

Now that’s how you stay on the positive. Share if you agree we could all live a little more like Adam!

Motherhood is exhausting, and moms, especially new ones, need to get their rest in whenever they can. That’s why these six times Mom stayed up late just to watch you sleep and smoke a little angel dust are so precious. 

1. When she brought you home from the hospital and stayed up late gazing at your sweet little angel face while puffing some sweet angel dust

You and Mom have had your ups and downs, but despite your rocky relationship, the truth is she has always loved you very much. The first night she brought you home from the hospital, despite being dead tired from her 17-hour labor, she stayed up just to marvel at your chubby little legs and rosy cheeks while getting absolutely wrecked on dust. Adorable. 

2. When you were having nightmares, so she stayed up to comfort you in your sleep while hallucinating that your screaming head was ten times as big due to all the fry she was smoking

Mom always wanted to protect you from any discomfort at all, so she would occasionally stay up to keep an eye on you, whether it was because you were having nightmares, because she believed your head to be the size of a refrigerator due to her PCP use, or both. There may not be any photos of these precious moments to document them, but they live on in the story of your mother’s lifelong love, and also in her occasional flashbacks. 

3. When you fell asleep on the couch and she didn’t want to wake you up, so she stayed there until 3 a.m. ripping hit after hit of that supergrass while the static on the TV came to life and made love to her

Sometimes it was hard to get you down to sleep, so when you did doze off Mom was hesitant to move you, and she would often sacrifice her own sleep for yours. One late night, as she was keeping an eye on you on the couch and roasting that wet wet, the static she was watching on the TV formed into a glowing, hissing being which made love to her right then and there. It was a magical moment for so many reasons. 

4. When she rocked you for hours in your crib because it looked like it was gradually opening a portal to another dimension

A parent’s love isn’t always a visible thing. Much of it is expressed in quiet, unassuming moments, like when Mom rocked your crib for hours with a dust joint hanging out of her mouth because it appeared to her, in her altered state of consciousness, that the crib’s movements were opening a crack in the ground whose soft glow was beckoning her into another dimension. These tender memories may not show up in a scrapbook the way birthday parties and trips to Disney World do, but they are just as important.

5. When she stayed up all night watching you because she thought you were a giant space larva sent by God to kill her

For a mother to spend hours alone in a dark house simply gazing at what appears to her to be a pulsating space larva that is preparing to hatch into an interplanetary assassin bug, it takes pure, unadulterated love, and a healthy helping of PCP. When Mom did this, her eyes were bugging out of her head, her fingernails were drawing blood on her palms, and her heart was full. It’s impossible to understand how beautiful experiences like these can be if you’re not a parent and you’ve never tried smoking angel dust. 

6. When she snuck in to watch you sleep the eve of your 13th birthday, realizing this would probably be the last time she would do so and that she should probably seek treatment for her drug use after one last bowl of PCP

They say that a parent never realizes it when it’s the final time they tuck their child in, or read to them, or kiss them goodnight, or smoke PCP. But when Mom cracked open the door of your room on the eve of your 13th birthday, she knew it was probably the last time she’d be able to watch her precious child sleep while smoking a big pinch of rocket fuel. Not only were you getting too old for such doting behavior, but her angel dust use had cost her her job, her home, and her health. But a new phase of parenting and drug rehabilitation isn’t inherently a bad thing. Every good thing must come to an end, and all you can do is try to replace it with something even better—but Mom’s nostalgia for the times she would watch you sleep and smoke angel dust will linger in her mind forever.

In a time when computer technology is pushing us apart more than ever, it’s beautiful to see corporations prioritizing community-minded innovations like this: Microsoft just unveiled a tandem laptop that eight people can use simultaneously.

Wow. If this doesn’t restore your faith in tech’s ability to bring people together, nothing will!

At a press conference this morning, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announced the OctaTop—the world’s first-ever tandem laptop featuring eight adjoined screens that can be operated by as many users at once. Set to hit shelves next month, the OctaTop is intended to foster camaraderie among its users, who will have to stand side by side and share one keyboard designed to accommodate up to eight concurrently typing hands. 

“The OctaTop’s user experience presents a total departure from the isolating effects of single-user laptops,” explained Nadella. “Rather than forcing you to navigate a computer interface all alone, the OctaTop ensures you’ll have seven live acquaintances at your side as you surf the web, or work on a spreadsheet, or chat with those same seven people on Discord.” The CEO even suggested that the OctaTop is only the beginning of Microsoft’s tandem computer strategy, hinting that the company already has plans to develop a laptop big enough for several hundred simultaneous users. “Imagine your entire neighborhood using one laptop at the same time,” he said. “That’s Microsoft’s vision for the future.”

Yes! This is what community is all about!

Hats off to Microsoft. Tandem laptops could disrupt the entire computer technology industry as we know it, and for the better. BRB y’all—we’re gonna go call seven of our favorite cousins to pre-order an OctaTop we can all use together!

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service.

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Officials say veterans will be re-evaluated not for disabilities incurred during service but for any perceived health benefits. And they have high hopes for the program, following a wildly successful trial with federal prisoners.

“Too many veterans have been improved through their service, and honestly, we think they owe us,” said one VA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For example, I saw one freeloader skip the line for the TSA. It’s frankly shameful. You get shot, and all of a sudden, you’re above lines?”

Among the items veterans might be billed for:

• The scar from basic training you used to impress some MILF in Kansas

• Removing the Cancerous tumor you got because of the Military

• Herpes treatment (exclusively for veterans stationed near Fort Knox)

“We’ve been burning through our budget like herpes in Fort Knox,” said a senior VA administrator, arguing that the program is a necessary evil. The VA projects that the program will generate $3 billion annually, but acknowledges that the cost of running it will reach $5 billion.

“Caring for our Veterans is of the mediumest priority here at the VA, so we make fiscal sacrifices to accomplish our mission,” the official added. “The cost of cutting costs is a costly cost to help those who made the ultimate cost-cutting sacrifice, so let’s remember their costs, especially on a day like today.”

Sean, an Army veteran with the 101st Airborne who lost his right leg to an improvised explosive device in 2006, was less enthusiastic.

“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” John said. “I told them if they send another bill, I’ll choke the VA Director with my stump.”

Jacob, a Navy Veteran, said he received a letter saying he would soon be charged $22 per month for “that thing from Fort Knox.”

“They didn’t even explain what it was,” Jacob said. “But the emotional stress of this charge was so intense that I filed a new claim for it. Somehow, they increased my disability rating.”

Only time will tell if this initiative will actually save the VA money. However, history suggests otherwise. The last major budget measure undertaken by the VA involved charging Al Qaeda for reparations, which has thus far generated a grand total of $238, after a bill was accidentally sent to the Saudi Arabian embassy.

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RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, GERMANY — As World War III came to an end recently with no clear victor, the one constant throughout the entire fight was the C-5 Galaxy sitting on the ramp at Ramstein Air Base. What started as a hydraulic leak led to an overhaul of the hydraulic lines throughout the aircraft, spanning the entirety of World War III in the Middle East.

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“When we landed at Ramstein, our jet started pissing hydraulic fluid like a drunken E-3 on liberty,” said C-5 Flying Crew Chief Staff Sgt. Evan Warren. “The estimated fix time kept slipping and slipping, then all of a sudden, the war was over, and our squadron was directing us to fly commercial back home.”

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WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year's Fourth of July celebrations.

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A new public service announcement, "Sparklers Are Not Sabers," aims to remind citizens that the battlefield isn't the only place where brave Americans can suffer life-altering injuries.

"We honor our combat veterans, and rightly so," stated Brig. Gen. Alric "Ric" L. Francis, the Commandant of the United States Army Field Artillery School. "But let's not forget the sheer, unadulterated dedication it takes to attempt to launch a fully loaded porta-potty with a string of M-80s into low earth orbit. That’s a different kind of bravery, or perhaps a different kind of brain damage.”

The general paused to take a sip of what appeared to be black coffee, though the steam rising from the mug suggested something closer to molten lead.

"The dedication to pushing the envelope while seeing how big a bang you can get from a consumer-grade explosive is inspiring, but it results in many calls for medevacs to the local urgent care clinics.”

The campaign aims to show the increasing pattern among combat veterans who survive numerous deployments abroad yet find their most significant challenge at home, at the backyard firework show. Emergency rooms across the country are reportedly activating “Red, White, and Booze” protocols with specialized surgical teams on standby, ready to reattach, or more often, regretfully inform.

"It's about personal safety, people. Don't end up like Toby Keith's dumb ass dad," implored Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael R. Weimer. "Don't be the guy who gets liquored up and decides to launch a bottle rocket from your fourth point of contact just because you saw it on TikTok."

Last year's Fourth of July convention for operators was full of humorous events. In South Fork, Colorado, retired Sgt. Maj. Mike Vining, renowned for his demolition expertise, reportedly attempted to use a cluster of aerial mortars to 'remodel' an aging shed he considered an eyesore. The shed vanished in a flash of patriotic glory. He was later quoted as saying, “It was a controlled demolition.”

Meanwhile, at Fort Campbell, a group of combat arms soldiers, apparently feeling left out of the celebratory chaos, reportedly conducted a drive-by shooting with bottle rockets at Lt. Col. Matthew Schwind's retirement ceremony. This occurred precisely as Schwind was exaggerating to the audience with tales of the perils of being shot at during his storied career as a logistics officer. No injuries were reported, but the incident did lead to a new general order regarding 'unauthorized pyrotechnic salutes during officer farewells.'

Hospitals this year are reportedly stocking up not just on medical supplies, but also on comfort items such as "participation trophies" for veterans who demonstrate exceptional creativity in their self-inflicted injuries.

"We just want everyone to have a safe and enjoyable holiday," concluded Brig. Gen. Francis, adjusting his perfectly knotted tie. "Some of these are truly legendary stories, like a guy trying to light a firework with a lit cigarette dangling from his lip while holding a beer in his other hand.”

As the country prepares to celebrate another year of freedom, the Department of Defense reminds all Americans to exercise caution, employ common sense, and perhaps, for those with a history of military service, consider leaving the pyrotechnics to the professionals. Your local Veterans Affairs office would prefer to see you on July 5th for your routine check-up, rather than for a new set of prosthetic fingers.

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• Nation celebrates tradition of asking Veterans whether or not fireworks bother them

• Veteran With PTSD Tells Neighborhood Not To Have Any Fun This 4th Of July

• Local Firework displays 'No Douchey Veteran' sign on lawn for July 4th celebration

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS James Earl Ray, but after a different individual with the same name.

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“This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with a slice of lime. “Naming a ship after a Naval officer who served with honor during the Korean War is a disgrace to the Navy and its strong reputation for heterosexuality. From now on, T-AO-206 will be named USNS James Earl Ray, but not after the guy who shot MLK.”

“It’s actually a combination of names,” Hegseth said. “James for Vice Admiral James Stockdale, Earl for the Medal of Honor winner Robert Earl Bonney, and Ray, because it’s a drop of golden sun.”

“I just want to be absolutely clear,” Hegseth said while scrolling Wikipedia on his desktop computer. “This is a different James Earl Ray. Totally separate guy. The actions of the assassin James Earl Ray are not in line with the values of the Department of Defense. We would never support or honor a white man who chose to be within range of a black person,” Hegseth added.

Meanwhile, critics have claimed that renaming USNS Harvey Milk during Pride month was a slap in the face of all gay servicemembers in the military. Hegseth confirmed this was accurate.

“Honoring gay people is not in line with the policies of this administration,” Hegseth said. “That would open a gateway for the Marxists, who will not stop until trans-lesbian black females run everything.”

The defense secretary noted that the Pentagon would now honor “a separate, yet unequal,” part of American history.

“We’re sending a strong message to our adversaries — especially those in Navy HR. From here on, our Navy and our broader armed forces will reflect traditional values, like open containers and vague Southern resentment.”

At press time, Hegseth was ordering USS Doris Miller, USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and USNS Harriet Tubman to have their names changed to sailors who had the same names as Confederate generals.

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• Fort Irwin to be renamed Fort Hitler

• Hegseth orders military to paint 'Z' on all vehicles

• Ted Cruz tells US Army to get back to commercials that make his dick hard

• Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

LOS ANGELES — The ongoing military presence in downtown Los Angeles has claimed its first casualty. Gambit, a Marine Corps working dog, was shot and killed during a visit by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who allegedly feared for her safety.

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Witnesses say the 55-pound Belgian Malinois was leashed and fully compliant when Noem drew her personal Sig Sauer 9mm — hot pink, of course — and fired three rounds into the dog’s back.

Noem, who famously admitted in her 2024 memoir to executing her 14-month-old puppy Cricket for being “untrainable,” defended the act as a matter of self-defense.

“I feared for my life,” Noem said while readjusting clip-in extensions and reapplying bronzer. “And frankly, that animal was wild and probably would not have been a very good hunting dog, anyway.”

But Cpl. Gabriel Loup, who trained Gambit since puppyhood, disagrees. An experienced hunter himself, Loup said that Gambit was tough when necessary but overall well-trained and friendly.

“I grew up in the country. I know a good bird dog from a bad one. I raised and trained Gambit from the time he was a puppy. He was a good dog,” Loup explained, still visibly sobbing. “Secretary Noem just loves killing dogs. I bet she is banned from Disney World because Pluto fears for his fucking life.”

Noem insisted that Gambit was aggressive and clearly out of control, despite his being tagged and harnessed in accordance with Marine regulations. Additionally, Gambit was trained in the elite Military Working Dog Program, an initiative that has been successfully in place in the Marine Corps for over eighty years.

“He was a loyal, disciplined, government-issued good boy,” Loup said, holding back tears. “Not that it matters. This bitch just loves shooting puppies.”

Despite Loup’s evident distress over the death of Gambit, Noem refused to apologize. Instead, she stuck to her metaphorical and literal guns.

“Look, this was sad but ultimately sorely needed,” Noem said, while hastily reapplying bronzer to her cheeks with a handheld compact. “Just like these troops need to be here to deport these illegal criminals.”

“Habeas corpus is the law that says the President can deport illegals, and the Second Amendment is the law that says I get to shoot dogs if they are acting up. These things are in the Bible. Look it up!” Noem stated firmly as she boarded her private jet.

As Noem continues her tour of military installations, defense officials are reminding troops to avoid sudden movements and refrain from fetching anything.

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.

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• Riot breaks out at Fort Hood dining facility after menu promises chocolate milf

• General’s controversial graduation speech sparks riots, 11 killed

• DHS purchases 1.2 billion 'Domestic Anti-Personnel' rounds

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal. 

Who could look at this tragedy, with hundreds of innocents serving sentences, lives ruined, and say ‘we need to imprison more people’? Can we not learn from our mistakes?

Once you ascend to a certain level, responsibility becomes a very fragile thing. It’s not simple, like a man with a shop or a subpostmaster with their office. It’s much more diffuse.

Have I seen an email or haven’t I? Did I read that report or just skim it? Was my attention elsewhere during a meeting? For the little people these questions mean nothing. It cannot be that for those of us with boardrooms and rewarding financial packages it becomes a crime.

Really, all Paula Vennells did wrong was trust. To trust her subordinates, to trust Fujitsu, to trust all those who wanted the best for her and her organisation. Is that so bad, trusting them over employees who had, let’s not forget, criminal records?

And while there is guilt here, it is smeared so very lightly over the hundreds involved that it is only microns thick, more a misdemeanour. Not like the big fat dollops of guilt that landed on those subpostmasters’ counters, making them easy arrests.

For if Vennells is guilty, are not those involved in Grenfell? In Covid grant fraud? Is not every CEO, MP, and former Met Police commissioner Cressida Dick then responsible for the injustices and deaths on their watch? What kind of world would that be?

No, a judge should conclude this is all very wrong, compensation should be paid from the public purse, everyone involved must apologise and keep their bonuses, and let the matter end there.

After all it could have been any of us. By which I mean myself and my mates.

DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide: 

Wear inappropriate clothing

Shorts and summer dresses provide too much ventilation. To keep your mood simmering and the needle in the red wear a suit, jeans and leather jacket or even a woollen beanie. Layers are crucial, as is a heavy bag. One sweaty earbud slipping out and being stepped on completes the ensemble.

Avoid shade

Cool, shadowy areas are lethal for stifling whinges about the weather. Instead of sheltering under a tree, excavating a cave or going into Costa subject yourself to the full glare of the sun, ideally in an all-concrete environment. Refrain from drinking water lest it make you reasonable.

Neglect suncream 

Suncream protects your skin from UV rays but you need to protect your UV rage. Retain your edge by getting a burn that hurts when even glanced at. A good one will keep you irate and can even outlast the heatwave itself, providing reservoirs of ire for overcast days.

Seek out heated environments

Temperatures in the high twenties can only push you so far. To really get a temper, frequent inhospitably hot environments like blast furnaces or a rail replacement buses with sealed windows. Even joining the fractious mob jostling for meal deals will have your nails dug into your palms.

Shake your fist at the sun

Staring directly at the sun while shaking your fist is an aggravating reminder of your impotence against its baleful eye. There’s nothing you do to stop this blinding bastard from torching you and it’s only going to get worse. Then, to relax, book a holiday in the Med where it will be 42 in August.

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them. 

Sir Brian Leveson suggests the next time British citizens are on the bus, they should decide if they would prefer 12 of their fellow passengers to have the power to imprison them forever or one person who knew what they were doing.

He continued: “A group of your peers? Have you met them?

“It would be alright if it was a group of my peers because they’re actual peers, but you’d hand your fate to that bloke ordering Subway for breakfast? The girl picking her nose at traffic lights? The Northern Line frotterers?

“They’re all in the mix and they’ll be puzzling over your case, missing details, deciding key witnesses are ‘scruffy’, addled by a lifetime of true crime and asking where the migrant was who really did it.

“I’m there anyway, gently guiding them through, and I know for f**king sure who’s guilty. And I can tell which twats on the jury I’ll be seeing in the dock soon enough.”

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Yeah but the thing is I reckon if I was called for jury service I’d be brilliant.”

A COUPLE have agreed they are not really the type to have sex dangerous or boundary-crossing enough to need a safeword, and feel the lesser for it. 

Ryan Whittaker and Grace Wood-Morris have faced facts and ruefully agreed that since they do not like hurting each other or pretending to, they will never need the verbal emergency stop button that other, sexier couples rely upon.

Grace said: “I’m not really up for being whipped, spanked or slapped. Like the basic normcore bitch I am, I associate those acts with pain.

“Sex for me is about pleasure, and rather than safewords I employ phrases like ‘just there’ and ‘yes that’s good’ rather than having to call out ‘loganberry’ when he get carried away. Our love life peaks at a tepid room-temperature. I’ve come to terms with that.”

Whittaker agreed: “I don’t want to choke Grace. It would make me feel like a murderer which is not a way I want to feel when I’m naked with an erection.

“It’s crushing, admitting our lovemaking is boring, regional and focused on intimacy when it could be so much more risky and thrilling. But we basically like missionary and bringing each other to satisfying orgasms. I know.”

Grace’s mother Janet said: “They should still establish a safeword. I wouldn’t be without mine, which I use to avoid sex altogether.”

If you didn’t see American Idol star and singer-songriter Jax Miskanic – @jaxwritessongs – on the show that made her name, you may recognise her from the time she went viral for pranking her parents with a very funny custom-written song. @jaxwritessongs Doing the Scholarship Prank on my parents…in song 😂 #scholarshipprank #scholarship #foryou ♬ […]

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