Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate

FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the small town’s treasured make-out point. “Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some sort of growth investment,” said longtime Fredericktown resident Diane Moseley, referring to the pledge of global cuddling concern Canoodle Inc. to boost heavy petting 40% on the bluff overlooking the St. Francis River by the end of the 2027 fiscal year. “This is an almost sacred place for us locals, but for this big out-of-town company, it’s just another strategic acquisition in their portfolio of tucked-away spots where teens can neck and maybe enjoy some over-the-bra touching. I guess that’s how the world works these days: An independent make-out point is doing fine helping teens get to second or maybe even third base, but then some greedy corporation swoops in to gobble it up.” At press time, the multinational had reportedly shuttered the make-out spot for failing to meet French-kissing targets, forcing local teens to travel to the already congested make-out spot in Poplar Bluff approximately 65 miles away. The Onion.

Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’

The Onion.

U.S. Bans Foreign-Made Humanoid Robots

The FCC targeted China by banning the import of foreign-made humanoid robots, citing cybersecurity and national security concerns. What do you think? “Call me old fashioned, but I think foreign spies should be real human beings.” CJ Johnson, Caviar Canner “Guess I’ll spend Thanksgiving alone then.” Constantine Beyer, Brick Scrubber “Damn right. If it’s not from the U.S.A., it ain’t enslaving me.” Ivy Leffler, Tulip Importer The Onion.

Powerball By The Numbers

Many U.S.-based players have reportedly stopped purchasing Powerball tickets in spite of a growing jackpot, believing the odds of winning have plummeted amid the multistate lottery game’s recent expansion into the U.K. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Powerball. 1.2 Average number of years until winners miserable again 26 Brood size of the creature that lays the Powerballs 1998 First year women allowed to play Powerball 30 36 40 42 57 2 Previous winning numbers that are worthless to you now 1,705,882,352.94 Fluid ounces of Prego Roasted Garlic and Herb pasta sauce you could buy with a Powerball cash payout $1.1 billion What you’d have won if your kid was born two days later The Onion.

Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU

BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences with their mighty head bobbing and unstoppable attempts to pick up chicks,” said studio president Kevin Feige, whose voice grew louder and more forceful as he insisted that the 1998 Paramount Pictures comedy was actually the first installment of Captain America. “Steve Butabi? He’s ours—he’s Ant-Man’s dad. And though Doug Butabi may seem like an unserious guy, he went on to become Thor. The bouncer, the Credit Vixen, Vivica, Cambi, the Sandersons—they’re ours, all ours. Do you hear me? ‘What Is Love’ only exists in the MCU. It was written by Stan Lee. This is Phase Six. Don’t like it? Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh? Huh?” Reached for comment, representatives for Chris Kattan told reporters that everything Marvel Studios was saying sounded great to him. The Onion.

Dad Tells Son He Can't Play Catch Right Now As He's Busy Owning Some Loser On The Internet

TUCSON, AZ — Local father Mark Howell told his son this week that he couldn't come play catch with him because someone was saying something dumb online that needed immediate attention.

Democrats Express Concern Over Increase In Gun Violence Against Active Shooters

U.S. — Democratic leaders expressed deep concern about the growing scourge of gun violence against active shooters.

Man Checks Which Propositions The Teachers Union Supports So He Knows What To Vote Against

PORTLAND, OR — Local man Dave McMillan devised a foolproof way to determine which propositions he should support on the ballot by researching which initiatives are endorsed by the local teachers union and then voting the exact opposite.

Spain Proudly Announces That Ceuta Is The Fastest-Growing City In The World

MADRID — The Spanish government proudly announced that after a recent demographic change, the city of Ceuta is now the fastest-growing city on the planet.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Americans begin thanking troops for future service

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”

Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”

Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign

LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”

Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders. According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Cambridge professor makes so many wild claims he’s headhunted by Reform

Why hot weather is harder for women, by a man who reckons he can guess

By Olly O’Connor, qualified man for 42 years THE current heatwave is much worse for women, they’re saying, to the surprise of nobody. I haven’t bothered to listen why obviously but I’ll have a guess:  Body fat They’re allowed to bring it up. God forbid I should even hint at it, but the minute a case for air conditioning needs to be made they’re allowed to claim it’s because they’ve got big arses? Yeah, well if the GP can tell me to lay off the lager and that attendance at Curry Club isn’t compulsory, they can slim down a bit at well. Hormones It’s always bloody hormones. In a bad mood, hormones, wants to have a baby, hormones, and now it’s hormones making them too hot. You know who else has got hormones? My system’s flooded with testosterone, heightening my aggressive instincts, but does that stand up in magistrates’ court? It does not. I speak from recent experience. Periods No idea if these are affected by heat, but it doesn’t matter, they’ll say they are. It’s the catch-all excuse; everything from burning the chicken nuggets to scraping the car to crying during Scam Interceptors.  Menopause And just in case you thought once the periods stop you’ll get a break, the menopause comes along and makes everything worse. It does cause hot flushes though. My ex used to heat up like a three-bar fire. Got asked to leave Curry Club because she was putting off punters. Being paid less, or whatever In my experience whenever you’ve dismissed all the other arguments this one comes up. Pay gaps, sexism, the biological clock, blokes lying on Tinder, all the other stuff that isn’t strictly relevant to the subject at hand. And if it doesn’t come up now, it’ll come up in January as the reason why cold weather’s harder for her.

Ariana Grande to post rolling coverage of her break from public life

SINGER and actress Ariana Grande has announced the next stage of her stardom journey will be a step back from public life, livestreamed to her 363 million Instagram followers.  The content plan, titled Break From Endless, Ongoing Scrutiny 2026, will see Ariana Grande post daily behind-the-scenes videos detailing her withdrawal from the glare of publicity and the album she is recording about it. A spokesman said: “When you’re as big, non-physically, as Ariana you can’t just vanish. The Arianators would run amok. No social media feed would be safe. “So she’s stepping back as an event, immediately after her album Petal was released which can be scoured for clues as to why. And there’s going to be 24-7 content including photos, short-form video and livestreams detailing every single step. “The online store is launching themed ‘Where’s Ari?’ merch, some of which is completely blank to reflect her absence. It’s expensive, but it’s tell me you’re missing Ariana without telling me you’re missing Ariana, you know? For the stans. “It’ll all culminate in her 2028 comeback arena tour, Don’t Look At Me, I’m Shy. To win tickets just write some of her most personal details in the comments.” Fan Grace Wood-Morris, aged 25, said: “I like to think she’s taking 18 months off to really pork up. Then panto.”

Shortages of what foods exactly? asks Britain

THE UK is demanding farmers detail exactly which foods might run low before panicking, because it might just be healthy stuff.  Warnings of food shortages are being investigated by a sceptical public because first, you can’t trust farmers and second, it may well only be beetroot or lettuce or other easily-discarded salad products. Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “They say there’s a shortage of cereal crops. Well I have toast for breakfast so that doesn’t bother me. “Losing tomatoes would be a blow for the nation’s pizza toppings, but my mate Logan worked at Dominos and said it’s all straight from frozen anyway. Plus there’s always ketchup. Other than that, I’m struggling to name a vegetable I’d miss. “Potatoes obviously, but they grow in winter so they’re unaffected. Plus I’d expect the government, post-Covid, to have prioritised rebuilding Britain’s crisp mountain so we’ve got at least two years stockpiled. “We’ve heard all this shite from farmers before. If it’s not too sunny it’s raining too much, or too mild, or it’s not that warm but unpleasantly clammy if you’re in a cardigan which is catastrophic for crops. It’s bollocks they trot out when they want tax breaks and subsidies.” Farmer Norman Steele said: “No, this isn’t like that, this time it’s really serious and we haven’t had to harvest this early since 1891. So we will need subsidies.”

Britons may not be drinking enough boiling hot tea, warn nans

BRITAIN’S grandmothers are concerned repeated heatwaves are tempting the foolish towards unhealthy chilled drinks and away from traditional scalding beverages. Our wise elders have warned the country that even in today’s 33-degree temperatures, they should remember the best way to cool down is with a big mug of nice hot tea. Grandmother of eight Margaret Gerving said: “Hydrating? My grandfather served 22 years in the British Raj, and he never hydrated once. He stuck to hot tea. “I’m all for this keeping curtains and windows closed all day, though I don’t hold with this opening them at night. But why drink water when a freshly-brewed pot of Tetley’s is available? That’s quenching. “We had summers twice as hot as this, popping tar bubbles and frying eggs in them, and the kettle was never off. Tea heats up the body which has a cooling effect, it’s common sense proved by top scientists like Heinz Wolff. “Tea is the most suitable drink to consume in all weathers and for all occasions. If you’re fancy you can have coffee. Either way, remember the golden rule and keep it piping. Also, for lunch, think about a stew.” Grandson Kayden Gerving said: “When I die I go to heaven, for I have already served my time in hell sipping tea at my nan’s house in 44 degree temperatures. With Tipping Point on.”

This comedy sketch imagining how toddlers chat about their lives is an all-time Hall of Famer

Actor, writer and comedian George Lewis knows how to boil a topic down to its comedic essence. Here he is summing up Grand Designs in 76 hilariously and brutally observed seconds. @georgelewiscomedian Eveey episode of Grand Designs #granddesigns #kevinmccloud #ukcomedy #funny ♬ original sound – George Lewis As a dad – and a former child, […] The Poke.

‘What are some UK equivalents of ‘peaked in high school’?’ – 21 people whose greatest success is far, far behind them

When you’re at school there are some people who dominate the place. They’re either the most popular or the most feared, and everyone knows who they are. But when they leave school their status leaves with them. You can’t put ‘scariest girl in Year 11’ on your CV, after all. Over on the AskUK subreddit, […] The Poke.

RFK Jr. attacked a CNN news anchor because she’s ‘not a scientist’ and her perfect four word comeback left him speechless

RFK Jr. went on CNN this weekend and the appearance went exactly as expected (derogatory). The Secretary of Health and Human Services came to spread his theories on the general well-being of the American public. Since it’s not exactly going great right now, he seemed a little tense. Maybe that explains why he was shouting […] The Poke.

Nigel Farage hinted at a future Reform-Restore pact, but it’s fallen apart before it could even start

With Reform UK’s star perhaps on the wane, it looks as though Nigel Farage may be open to a deal with the even further right-wing Restore Britain Party, led by his former colleague, Rupert Lowe. 🚨 BREAKING: Nigel Farage confirms he is open to a deal with Rupert Lowe and Restore Britain "You could see […] The Poke.

Donald Trump posted an AI image of himself dressed as Elvis, if you were wondering how focused he is on doing his actual job

As well as winning two golf awards in a championship at one of his own resorts, Donald Trump passed a busy weekend working on ending the war with Iran, making peace between Russia and Ukraine, bringing down the cost of living for ordinary Americans, or even doing something to stop them being able to crap […] The Poke.