Brad Reese, the grandson of the man who invented the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, is publicly criticizing The Hershey Company, accusing the candy giant of replacing traditional ingredients like milk chocolate and peanut butter with low-cost substitutes. What do you think?

“I’m not eating them for the taste. I’m eating them because I’m depressed.”

Rochelle Caraballo, Bakery President

---

“That’s just because H.B. Reese never had the pleasure of tasting hydrogenated palm oil.”

Landon Hendry, Pulley Manufacturer

---

“I’ve never eaten one slowly enough to notice.”

Jason Watkins, Systems Analyst

The post Grandson Of Reese’s Cup Inventor Blasts Hershey’s Recipe Change appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Responding to concerns that his upcoming Michael Jackson biopic would downplay accusations of sexual abuse involving the late singer, Michael director Antoine Fuqua revealed to reporters Wednesday that the film would fully confront allegations against actor Kevin Spacey. “Though it might make people uncomfortable, no movie about the King of Pop would be complete without addressing the sexual assault claims that caused Netflix to cut ties with Kevin Spacey in 2017,” said Fuqua, adding that while his film would celebrate Jackson’s music, it would not hold back from depicting the House Of Cards star’s controversial past. “There have been rumors that we’re shooting a full-on Michael Jackson lovefest, so let’s get one thing straight: This will not be a sanitized portrait of Kevin Spacey. Rest assured, we will absolutely go there. However, I must be clear that the allegations against the actor are ultimately just that—allegations.” Fuqua also confirmed that the biopic would offer a candid look at the sexual misconduct of comedian Louis C.K.

The post ‘Michael’ Director Reveals Biopic Will Fully Confront Allegations Against Kevin Spacey appeared first on The Onion.

WAUKESHA, WI—Saying his approach to parenting was “hands-off” as far as imparting fundamental life lessons was concerned, local dad Derrick Pomeroy told reporters Wednesday that he was really counting on sports to instill all of the core values his two children would need in life. “I could probably find more opportunities to teach my kids about fairness and self-discipline, but with any luck, sports will cover that kind of stuff,” Pomeroy said after he brought his two preteen sons home from Little League and sat them down in front of a TV tuned to a Milwaukee Bucks game, expressing hope that patience, respect, confidence, resilience, accountability, generosity, perseverance, personal hygiene, and financial responsibility would be sufficiently conveyed by the evening’s two activities. “To be honest, if they don’t develop a moral compass from team sports, I’m kind of screwed. Thankfully some of their coaches seem like pretty decent guys. I’m sure one of them will give my boys the sex talk better than I ever could.” At press time, Pomeroy added that any parenting gaps left by sports could be sufficiently filled by video games.

The post Local Dad Really Banking On Sports To Instill Core Values In Children appeared first on The Onion.

Large swaths of western Mexico have been shut down after a surge in cartel violence sparked by the killing of one of the world’s most wanted drug kingpins, known as “El Mencho”, in a military raid, with foreign governments warning their citizens to stay inside. What do you think?

“The first week with a new boss is always chaotic.”

Alexander Dunya, Crate Shipper

---

“I was this close to getting the resort package with unlimited cartel protection.”

Raul Youngblood, Floss Spooler

---

“It’s ultimately the drug consumer who gets hurt by all this.”

Cora Hahn, Truck Upholsterer

The post Mexican Cartel Leader Killing Unleashes Wave Of Violence appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA—Explaining that watching his movements on video had really helped him identify weaknesses and track his gains and losses, local bodybuilder Antonio Vergara filmed himself eating chicken Wednesday to make sure his form was correct. “People don’t realize it, but over 70% of injuries from ingesting lean proteins happen because of bad technique,” said Vergara, who added that setting up a tripod in his kitchen had allowed him to understand why he often sustained muscle strains, ligament tears, and stress fractures while repeatedly sitting down at his table to eat several pounds of boiled chicken breasts per day. “In the heat of breakfast, lunch, or dinner, it can be hard to assess how you’re handling the meat, but the camera is the best way to ensure I’m getting clean bites and swallows. If you’re not careful, you can do some serious damage to your core, obliques, and anal sphincter. I had a friend who ate a rotisserie chicken the wrong way and couldn’t walk for a month.” At press time, a wincing Vergara revealed that he’d had no choice but to send his personal trainer a 15-minute video of him vomiting up a skillet of chicken fajitas to determine where exactly he’d gone wrong.

The post Bodybuilder Films Self Eating Chicken To Make Sure Form Correct  appeared first on The Onion.

With last night's polarizing State of the Union, President Trump continued fracturing the country with pointed rhetoric designed only to widen the chasm between the country's left and right. From the many awful things Trump said, here are the eight most divisive statement's from last night's speech:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic first, a sitting U.S. president was forced to subdue members of Congress with a squad of ICE agents, who pepper sprayed unruly Democrats as President Trump delivered his State of the Union address.

Critics rightfully question the depth of modern cinema, yet among the shallows we find a full-throated answer to their query in the towering form of Despicable Me 3. On my 27th viewing, I am only just beginning to peel back the sophisticated layers of this cinematic masterpiece.

NEW YORK CITY — With winter storms pounding the Northeast, black New Yorkers were sadly left unable to shovel their driveways as none of them have a government ID.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a night where lawmakers raised eyebrows by remaining glued to their seats throughout the president's State of the Union address, analysts later said the most shocking incident of the night was when Democrats refused to stand as Trump introduced Jesus.

As if it wasn’t enough that immigrants come to this country ILLEGALLY or in some disturbing cases LEGALLY looking to drink our water, marry our cousins, and crowd our self check-outs, there’s something amiss that would make any red-blooded patriot’s blood BOIL: This immigrant working forced labor in an ICE detention center is robbing a US-born convict of his 13-cent-an-hour job.

What?! How does something like this happen in AMERICA??

When 37-year-old Honduran immigrant José Rivera Gomez was detained by ICE and forced into a crowded makeshift detention center at an undisclosed location in Florida, the first thing he did was the thing all immigrants do best: He immediately took an extremely low-paying job away from an American citizen by working at his prison’s park bench factory. By working 12 hours a day for 13 cents an hour in inhospitable, unsafe conditions, he’s robbing a hardworking AMERICAN convict of much needed funds he could use to purchase $12 toothpaste and $15 chocolate bars at commissary. 

If you’ve ever wondered why the prison economy of gangs such as the Aryan Brotherhood is collapsing, look no further than immigrants like José taking away dozens of dollars a month from RED-BLOODED, AMERICAN convicts who not only were actually BORN in this country, but actually stepped up and committed actual CRIMES to be incarcerated and coerced into forced labor, not just “overstayed their work visas.”

Yep. This is DISGUSTING with a capital D!

Hopefully José will accidentally hack off his hands while polishing a park bench using unsafe equipment soon so his STOLEN job and PALTRY WAGES can be given to a REAL American who needs money for a razor or a bar of soap. Until then, SHAME on this country for letting this happen.

Forget everything you knew about the restaurant experience, because the game has officially changed: This cafe modeled their payment system after healthcare billing so chefs, waiters, and dishwashers can invoice you separately for completely random amounts weeks to months later.

Whoa…how has no one ever thought to do this before? Going out to eat will never be the same!

Lucy’s Luncheonette isn’t just a beloved staple of downtown Fayetteville, NC: it’s the future of how restaurants bill customers. At Lucy’s, instead of flagging down a waiter to settle your bill before leaving, you’ll receive separate invoices from every employee who took part in your meal experience—including but not limited to chefs, waiters, busboys, dishwashers, and hostesses. These invoices will come in the mail at some unspecified point in the following six months, or possibly later, requesting arbitrary amounts of money that were not disclosed up-front for services itemized either as vaguely named items like “Misc. Carbohydrate,” or numeric codes with no description. 

If you ordered a sandwich and coffee at any other cafe, you’d settle the entire bill with a server before leaving, and never think about it again. At Lucy’s, you’ll receive that server’s invoice in the mail three weeks later, with a line item for refilling your water listed as “Oral Hydration Replenishment Procedure – $32.09”, among a dozen other charges. Cut to four months later, and you’ll receive another invoice from the line cook for services including cooking chicken (“Protein Thermal Processing Treatment – $6.22”) and chopping lettuce (“Vegetative Component Structural Reduction – $3.34), and so on and so forth, until the restaurant’s wait and kitchen staff have all individually charged you for every distinct action they undertook during your dining experience, from clearing your table to giving you a new napkin, that they can legally bill for.

Lucy’s unique payment system is the brainchild of its owner, William Dumas, who left a career in medical claims processing to open the cafe, inspired by what he saw working in the U.S. healthcare system.

“Knowing generally what the service is going to cost ahead of time, and paying one straightforward bill on the spot instead of numerous invoices sent sporadically over time—that wouldn’t fly in healthcare like it does in the restaurant business,” explained Dumas, who had the idea for his luncheonette’s pay model after sending a cancer patient’s unpaid bill to collections, and imagining a busboy being able to do the same to a restaurant customer. 

“I thought, ‘what if you took the drawn out, over-complicated process of medical billing, and applied it to going out for a meal?’ It’s been a very validating experience, watching our customers find themselves in credit score-tanking restaurant debt after failing to pay a thousand dollar invoice that a hostess sent them for reasons that hours and hours on the phone with our management do not help clarify whatsoever.”

Needless to say, the dining experience is about to be revolutionized in a huge, huge way.

Don’t be surprised if the entire food industry adopts this cafe’s healthcare-inspired pay model soon, from fine dining establishments to coffee shops. Props to Lucy’s Luncheonette for daring to think outside the box!

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — America’s technological leapfrog into drone dominance stalled this week after the cyan ink in the OEM-compatible tank of an Epson Workforce NCC-1701-D ran low, sources confirmed today.

All efforts to build and deploy small, lethal drones for America’s battlefield advantage have been placed on hold until Darrell, a GS-12 IT specialist currently on leave, returns to work and determines why fault code 093-401 is appearing at every launch, despite the cartridge being brand freaking new.

Maj. Trent “Independence” Bunker, a recent graduate of the Air Force’s Artificial Intelligence Top Gun program, insisted nothing in the XQ-58 system should even interface with a printer.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.

The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”

“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”

“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”

The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.

“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”

Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.

“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”

She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”

When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them: 

Sir Chris Bryant, minister for trade

“I called him ‘rude, arrogant and entitled’ right there in the House of Commons. Aren’t I brave? I bet nobody else out there has dared say anything half as unpleasant. Even the most ardent anti-Royalist will only have said ‘well I always thought he was a bit off’.”

Sir Lindsay Hoyle, Speaker of the House of Commons

“That’s nothing. Since last week I’ve called him Prince of the Paedos, HRH Fatneck F**kwit and Andrew Mountanything-Wanker. Not in public yet, cause I’ve got to maintain the decorum of my office, but in the bar upstairs. Teach the prick for telling me I had a girl’s name.”

Kemi Badenoch, Leader of the Opposition

“Yeah? Well I said ‘I think Prince Andrew has brought significant reputational damage, and he should be punished for that where the wrongdoing is proven.’ Except I pronounced ‘Prince’ a bit like you’d pronounce ‘nonce’ to show my contempt.”

The Right Honourable Baroness Carr of Walton-on-the-Hill, Lady Chief Justice

“F**king overprivileged tiny-eyed slack-jawed shit-eating overbearing twat of all twats that he is. They should give the grouse guns and let them fire away at him, they’d probably be better shots. Oh dear, my saying this means if he’s tried the entire British judiciary would have to recuse itself so he can never be imprisoned. My bad.”

Prince William, the Prince of Wales

“I am, as my statement said, deeply concerned by the continuing revelations. Chiefly, that the antics of that blubbery bastard will stop my wife and I becoming the best King and Queen Britain will ever have. When will the public realise the second son is always a bellend, but the first one is brilliant and amazing and rightly deserves to rule?”

Victoria Newton, editor of The Sun

“Oh, we’re calling him all kinds of names. Then again we always did; in the 80s he was the Playboy Prince whose shags we’d breathlessly report, then in the 90s and 00s he was Randy Andy. It’s almost like we knew all along but deliberately suppressed it, isn’t it? We didn’t do that though.”

POLICE detained Peter Mandelson using a series of arcane magicks to prevent him from escaping to the netherworld from whence he came, they have confirmed. 

Lord Mandelson’s flesh avatar on this plane of existence was contained by the Metropolitan Police after they consulted the relevant codexes for dealing with Satanic beings escaping justice by fleeing to Hell.

A spokesperson said: “We originally thought that shaking a cross at Mandelson would scare him. Then he began to mutter diabolical incantations.

“Holy water sprinklers only provoked him to shapeshift into a crackling black mist you couldn’t look at directly without being cast back to your moment of greatest shame, so we had to call in the force exorcist from Bermondsey.

“He quickly drew the inscription and captured the Prince of Darkness’s inchoate form within a circle, reinforcing it with the chicken blood and corpse-candles. Standard procedure handed down from the old witchfinding days.

“Anyway, I’m happy to report that Mandelson was successfully trapped in a cracked mirror and posed no further threat to the public until a few hours later when he was released on bail.”

Mandelson said: “Claims that I was going to fly to the British Virgin Islands on eight-foot leathery wings are completely baseless.”

ARE you, like Trump’s America, ‘winning so much you really don’t know what to do about it’? Here’s what to do about it: 

Accept winning

Instead of, with your loser mentality, becoming befuddled with the insane amount of winning you’re doing recently, try to accept it as your due. Like Trump does, believe that scratchcard tenner came to you because of your innate superiority and welcome yourself into a new world where you cannot lose by investing the win in new scratchcards.

Share your win with others

Not the actual cash value obviously, that’s for you and you alone to hoard, but the fact it happened. Boast about it. Share how fantastic it is now you’re winning, that you truly can’t comprehend the pathetic mindset of those who oppose your wins, and that you are never going back to a time without wins. Ignore the queue behind you at the newsagent.

Win less

Temper your arrogance at your unbroken record of wins with a little humility, so it’s easier for the less fortunate to identify with you. Take a minor loss, like Trump did by withdrawing ICE from Minnesota after they murdered two innocent people, and you’ll seem more human. Lose on Mega Cashword like it’s no big deal, discarding it over your shoulder.

Remember what you’ve overcome

If your wins, which are the largest, most triumphant wins ever won in the history of humankind, begin to feel so overwhelming you’re barely even able to remember them like a senile old man at a podium, remember the haters. Focus your loathing on those who didn’t believe in you, like the woman at Jobcentre Plus, and your victories will be all the sweeter.

Enumerate your achievements

List every single thing that makes you a winner, and don’t worry if not all of them are based in reality. Your incredible wit, fantastic sense of style, higher-than-ever level of Income Support and forthcoming fortunes will all help you cope with being such a winner. Then scratch off your Single Double Triple and Sapphire 7s Doubler.

Celebrate

When you’re winning so much why not? Okay, those specific scratchcards weren’t winners but you can still snatch a bottle of value gin, run for it and toast yourself on a piece of waste ground beside a burnt-out portakabin, like Trump does by the pit that was once the east wing of the White House. Then back to your bedsit, where the police await.

BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait: 

Add a misleading item for scale

Perspective is key in photography and your paltry five inches won’t impress her alone, so cheat a bit. A fun-size Mars Bar in a full-size wrapper, placed coincidentally alongside, will convince her you’re packing a proper fanny-splitter. Though may also cause her to refuse any offers of snacks when you get back to yours.

Focus correctly

A blurry bellend isn’t going to win any love, but pin-sharp with every vein visible doesn’t make it look attractive. Focus on the foreground and let your member tower in mid-focus, smoothing its true beauty, by using a wide aperture. But avoid making any ‘wide aperture’ jokes when explaining the technicalities of the shoot.

Beware of backgrounds

As any Reader’s Wives reader knows, a sexy shot can be ruined by the background of a cheap formica kitchen. A tight crop on your leathery eel is essential. A messy bedroom, filthy bathroom or television clearly showing an Inbetweeners repeat in the background will undermine the effect.

Filter it

Don’t be afraid to Photoshop your pasty-looking todger into something more alluring. A sunset filter gives your wank-handle that Ibiza glow, or frames it in that vintage style so popular with the sophisticated. That she will then confront the raw, unfiltered real thing with horror is her problem.

Send multiple shots

Real photographers snap away constantly, knowing that 300 shots are necessary to get one that captures the subject’s true beauty. Do the same. Offer your paramour a choice of angles by presenting a genital montage such as would be presented at a Mapplethorpe exhibition at Tate Modern. However, be aware this does present a wealth of evidence should she contact the police.

Hard as it might be to believe, Donald Trump has his fans. Most of them work for him, but they’re fans nonetheless. One such person is Texas Conressman, Troy Nehls, who has basically built his entire career on the coat tails of Trump’s Maga madness. But even for Nehls, this should’ve been a stoop too […]

The post A congressman begged Donald Trump to autograph his tie as the world watched (and cringed) – 17 replies that do NOT sign off on this behavior appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump redefined the word “rambling” during his State of the Union. He also broke every fact checking machine in the world. More specifically to this post, he genuinely seemed to break Marco Rubio. This unedited footage of Rubio listening to Trump babble on about ending wars that never existed caught the Secretary of State […]

The post Marco Rubio’s response to Donald Trump’s rambling State of the Union is surely the only time we’ll ever relate to him, ever appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump has entered the “Charlie Sheen having a mental breakdown” part of his Presidency. During part of his wide-ranging (to put it delicately) State of the Union Address, Trump relayed an anecdote about being accosted by Americans who can’t take all of the winning. Hear it from the man himself. Trump: “We’re winning so […]

The post Donald Trump says he’s winning so much people can’t take it anymore and these 18 smackdowns will not be defeated appeared first on The Poke.

It was George Harrison’s birthday on Wednesday this week. The great man, who died in 2001, would have turned 83 and the celebrations and remembrances around our favourite Beatle included this fabulous tale which went viral (and not for the first time either) after it was shared by @TheMonologist. Not the first time we’ve read […]

The post This fabulous old George Harrison tale about the prank he played on Phil Collins never fails to entertain appeared first on The Poke.

To the world of Reddit now, where people shared the things they learned far, far too late in life after someone called HearThePeopleSing asked this. ‘What did you not realise until embarrassingly late?’ Turned out it was a cracker of a conversation starter and we’ve read all of the replies – well, quite a few […]

The post People shared the obvious things they didn’t learn til far too late in life – 17 hilariously belated eye-openers appeared first on The Poke.