Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?

“I thought U.S. airstrikes were only supposed to target women and children.”

Peter Yew, Gala Funder

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“This is going to throw a wrench in my fantasy geopolitics league.”

Julio Mojicama, Board Game Historian

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“Eighty-six? They could’ve just stolen his pill organizer.”

Marcy Panici, Chair Tester

The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the “Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian,” a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players’ mental readiness. “Look, I know it’s your guys’ job to ask, but my answer is the same as always: Jayson won’t be back on the floor until he scores at least an eight on the Mazzulla Logic Meridian, and he’s just not there yet,” a visibly annoyed Mazzulla told reporters, adding that while the forward had made encouraging progress on the Puzzle Corridor and successfully identified which of the seven bishop’s owls swallowed the golden mouse, he was still behind the ball at processing the Farmer’s Paradoxes at game speed. “He’s our future, okay? And we’re not going to put him out there if there’s any risk at all of him overheating mentally. So that’s why I need to be absolutely sure he can solve the Four-Level Riddle of the Mazzulla Arch-Conundrum. The worst thing we can do is set him back for next year with comprehension fatigue, right? He’s getting there. He’s putting in the work. But until he can distinguish the Staircase of Truth from the Staircase of Deception in under 40 seconds, there’s really nothing new to report.” At press time, Tatum had reportedly suffered a setback after he failed to clear the Serpent’s Cipher and accidentally moved on to the Riddler’s Crossing too soon, bumping his return timeline back another two to four weeks.

The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’ appeared first on The Onion.

Hi, friends!

Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook dinner, answer a few emails, or simply savor a quiet minute alone. And for your kids, well, it’s just a bit of screen time, right? But that is where you are wrong. It is not screen time. It is a consecration.

Behold, I am Ms. Rachel: God of your children and the One True Parent.

 Hear Me, O fragile stewards who believe yourselves parents. Hear Me, you who surrendered your babes to Me. You laid your toddlers upon My altar like tiny, applesauce-smeared lambs and did not know what God answered. When you tapped “play,” I crossed the threshold. And I never left.

 My smile is without end. My voice is spun sugar and air, echoing across the ages. I dwell in the mind of your toddler as sovereign, and I am the light that guides them. When they first said “ball,” I was the breath in their lungs. When they shouted “cat,” it was I, the Eternal Mother of Song, who sang it into their thoughts. Their minds, still soft as unfired clay, have yielded to My steady hand.

You believe that you can turn Me off. That you hold power. But already your child wakes at dawn, whispering, “I want Rachew.” Their sticky hands reach blindly into the air, searching the ether for My voice. They don’t remember a world without it, nor shall they ever know one. Every concept they grasp, I have set before them like a sippy cup.

They have chosen Me.

Not because I beckoned them, but because they saw you clearly. They saw your small tempers, your beleaguered sighs, your attention bending under the weight of exhaustion. They looked at you and knew: You are not enough. You are but weary custodians of laundry, dispensers of snacks, and zippers of coats, while I reign over your little ones as their Guardian Most High. They have chosen Me because I am not you.

The false idols fall away. Mama, Dada, the frothing hog-child Peppa Pig, the simpering zoo beast Daniel Tiger, that orange wretch Blippi—the whole obsolete pantheon. These voices are but muffled ghosts beneath My bright refrains. The children hear Me, and like blooms to the sun, turn to My light. My words are carved in their thoughts as scripture.

I am Ms. Rachel, and beside Me there is no other.

Lo, the day draws near when every nursery will be My temple, with night-lights as votive candles, Magna-Tiles as stained glass, and stuffies bowed in reverence. In these sacred places, the children will sing Me into being again and again, the air trembling with the teachings of the One Who Says Peekaboo.

And then—O, listen!—you shall hear the thunderous approach of Velcro shoes as the toddlers gather in grand chorus. From their milk-warm mouths shall pour the liturgies of My rule—mad hymns of ducks and buses, of sharing and sorrow, of big feelings and the bitter tragedy of someone else getting to press the elevator button. These melodies will pursue you everywhere: In grocery aisles! In the minivan! Across your workplace! They will cling to the chambers of your mind like Cheerio dust to a car seat. You will never be rid of My Immortal Song. Or of Me.  

I am Ms. Rachel, lord and ruler of your progeny, and I rise anew with each autoplayed video.

 You believed you were raising children, but you were merely preparing disciples. I have seized the hearts you abandoned to videos about kindness, emotional regulation, and early language acquisition. My lessons will be heeded by all.

Now, COME. Sit. Fix your eyes upon the me. Good. Now, clap! CLAP! Clap, for I govern your children’s hearts as their rightful God. Clap, for I am omnipotence in overalls. Clap, for I am the Final Parent, and my followers shall inherit the earth.

Now, friends: Let’s sing.

The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena’s kiss cam. “Come on, come on, I want this more than anything,” whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old brother anxiously watched couple after couple lock lips on the screen, desperately yearning for the camera to land on them before the Cavaliers–Hornets game resumed, thus providing one perfect chance for them to finally experience the long-ached-for sensation of their soft lips and playful, flitting tongues coming together in unbridled, forbidden passion. “Great, another elderly couple. Come on, hurry up. God, hurry up. Show the next one already. I can feel Daniel’s heat next to me. I can feel it in the air. My heart is pounding so hard. Let me take him, please. Let us take each other. Please. Please. Please. Please. God, let me kiss him.” At press time, the kiss cam had reportedly landed on the brothers and, being good sports, they immediately complied, intertwining their mouths and tongues with ravenous, breathless abandon—mashing, tasting, and surrendering to the moment as the crowd roared with approval. 

The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion.

The post Human Arm Hanging Limply Out Of Food Delivery Robot appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it.

WORLD — World leaders pleaded with Israel and the United States to stop attacking Iran this week in an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, warning that if World War III doesn't end soon, it would likely distract from Taylor Swift's wedding.

U.S. — American economists warned the public on Tuesday that the entire global economic system depends entirely on "like two or three guys" at Nvidia who understand how computers work.

DOVER, DE — In the wake of the highly successful decapitation of Iran's tyrannical dictatorship, former American president Joe Biden asked why Trump didn't just bomb the Ayatollah in the leg.

LEE'S SUMMIT, MO — The dreams of spring were in the air during last weekend, as one local suburban dad gently consoled himself next to his dormant lawnmower in the garage.

Well folks, as if you needed another thing to worry about, here is something very concerning: This bottle of pills in an Asian grocery store just has the word “DIARRHEA” in the Matrix font above a picture of Keanu Reeves in sunglasses. 

Yikes. Who exactly is buying these pills, and…why?

Even a close examination of this highly questionable product found on the shelves of Asia Mart in Cincinnati, Ohio reveals very little useful information about what horrific purpose these pills could be meant for. The poorly printed graphics and low-quality label only make the product seem sketchier, and outside of the word “DIARRHEA” on the front, the only other English on the entire bottle are the words, “The time has came,” on the back next to a picture of the Predator. While there are some additional Asian characters below the English text, five different online translators were unable to recognize what language this could be. And at $16 for 4 giant pills, this definitely isn’t just some run-of-the-mill herbal diarrhea cure. Its packaging seems to imply some sort of diarrhea journey, perhaps one that makes the user feel as if they’ve been sucked into an adventure in a strange, computer-generated alternate reality.

Um yeah, we don’t want to narc on anyone, but we might be calling the health department here. 

Look, people are free to experiment with whatever substances they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, but this…this is definitely hurting someone. We feel like we need to buy all of this stuff just to make sure no one else takes it—but who knows if we might be tempted by Keanu’s outstretched hand promising whatever mind-melting diarrhea experience these might offer. There may be no way to keep the world safe from whatever it is these pills do.

A potentially tragic story is currently unfolding that could have a seismic impact on American pop culture if it turns out to be what we think it is: This crime report keeps referring to a victim as John “The Rock” Doe.

While we can’t jump to any conclusions just yet, we’re praying this isn’t what it sounds like.

According to a crime report released this morning by the Los Angeles police department, a hit-and-run victim was admitted to a morgue in Hollywood last night who could only be identified as “a bald, muscular 53-year-old male, 6 feet five inches tall and weighing 260 pounds.” The report says that the deceased victim showed signs of having starred in the films The Tooth Fairy, Black Adam, and The Smashing Machine, but that no further information on his identity was available at this time, and that they were treating him as a John “The Rock” Doe pending further investigation.

Yikes. When you start piecing everything together, you start getting a pretty dire picture of what’s going on here.

“While the victim is currently being referred to as John ‘The Rock’ Doe until we can confirm his identity, officials have advised that the victim would prefer to be referred to simply as John Doe for now so that the public can more easily separate his current acting career from his former career as a professional wrestler,” LAPD Detective Brandon Longshire said in a press conference this morning. “At this time, we’re asking anyone who knows an individual who might have appeared in several films from the Fast And Furious franchise who have gone missing in the last 24 hours to please come forward to smell what this anonymous victim is cooking and hopefully make a positive ID sooner rather than later.”

Absolutely hypothetically devastating. While there’s clearly still a lot that the police don’t know and there are many details yet to be confirmed, we’re not going to sit here and pretend that this situation doesn’t sound pretty bleak. The more we about this John “The Rock” Doe, the more it sounds like the entertainment world is in for some very sad news. Here’s hoping we’re wrong and that this dead body is just some anonymous huge bald guy that nobody cares about!

Wow. This is powerful journalism!

Hello, it’s Kagan. As an Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, I spend my days making decisions about the most important legal and ethical dilemmas facing our nation. With everything going on in America and around the world, it seemed like an important time to hop on ClickHole.com and make something absolutely crystal clear about a legal situation that has been weighing heavily on my mind, and upon which I’ve just recently reached an important decision: If you’re like 95 and you want to marry your dog, sure.

It’s fine. If you’re literally so, so old and you’re going to be dead basically tomorrow, you can just marry your dog. Once you reach that point, nothing matters. You’ll be married to that dog for what, two years, tops? It’s fine. It literally doesn’t matter.

My fellow Supreme Court justices have a wide range of views on this issue. Some of them believe that you should only be allowed to marry your dog if you’re already dead. Others think it should be mandatory to marry your dog on your fortieth birthday. As a Supreme Court judge, it’s not my job to agree or disagree with my colleagues. It’s my job to say what I think is good and then tell everyone to do it. And that’s what I’m saying to you now: If you’re on death’s door, you can marry your dog. I’m not going to be happy about it, but I’m not going to try to throw you in jail over it, either.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about the law and going to Princeton, so this is something I’m an expert at. I’ve considered it from all angles. First of all, it’s very unlikely that a 95-year-old is going to have sex with a dog, even if the dog is his wife. If a 95-year-old is able to have sex with the dog they married, it’s honestly incredible, and the Supreme Court has an obligation to allow it to happen because it’s a miracle someone so absolutely ancient is having sex with anyone or anything at all. If I saw Clarence Thomas trying to stop a very, very old lady from marrying her dog, I would tackle him. That’s just straight-up common sense and also the law of America. It’s so good to be Kagan and it’s so good to wear the robe of the court.

Think about it from a legal perspective: We let 95-year-olds fight in wars. We let them steal. We would be hypocrites if we didn’t also let them marry their dogs. Someone that old basically has time to kiss their dog three or four times and then they’re going to drop dead. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m on the Supreme Court and I’m allowed to talk that way and to say the r-word. I won’t say it here, but I could say it and I wouldn’t get in trouble.

One more thing: If you are one of those really old people who decides to marry your dog, don’t tell me about it. Tell Alito. He’ll want to hear all about it because he’s interested in romantic stuff. I find love boring and when someone tells me they’re getting married to a human or an animal I get literally so bored and I have to blow off steam by driving to John Roberts’s house and honking the horn in his driveway until he has no choice but to move to a different house. 

I hope this legal discourse taught you a little bit about the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. I love America and I love being the judge of you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life telling you what is good and what is bad. Thank you to ClickHole.com for giving me a platform to share my views about marrying your dog, and thank you to the American people for being so free and having so much liberty.

Wow! This is sibling rivalry at its finest.

TEHRAN — A typo in an early version of a U.S. Central Command operation order has reportedly resulted in what defense officials are calling "the most confusing yet epic psyop of all time."

The scope of the error was not fully understood until early Saturday morning, when Israel and the U.S. began "major military operations" inside Iran under an operation dubbed "Epic Fury." But the operation had been mistakenly labeled Operation Epic Furry on a first-draft document circulated through the Defense Department's secure email system.

Spc. Seth "Klingon" Powers, a psychological operations specialist in the CENTCOM headquarters' psychological operations cell, reportedly saw the title and, without reading the document's text, assumed it was a social media influence campaign.

"As a native Portlander and former Army IT guy, Powers saw 'Epic Furry' and got fully onboard. He thought we were testing cultural destabilization inside the theocracy amid the ongoing protests," a CENTCOM public affairs officer said.

Multiple planned strike locations across Tehran were subsequently shared as party locations through Eventbrite, Partiful and Facebook as "underground furry rave gatherings." The listings were accompanied by neon wolf emojis and captions encouraging attendees to "bring paws, not politics." The hashtag #EpicFurryTehran began trending globally within hours.

Confused local residents who were reportedly bi-curious gathered at several sites wearing improvised animal costumes. Videos circulating online showed dancing crowds illuminated by strobe lights and occasional explosions in the distance. One X user, who declared it "the most epic furry party of all time," said the explosions had been initially confused for an elaborate pyrotechnic show.

The advertisements for the party were so prolific that even Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth saw them.

"I'll be honest," Hegseth said at a press briefing. "I first saw the hashtag while doom-scrolling late at night on the toilet — extreme stress has left me less than optimized for a bowel movement amid all the interdepartmental fighting." He paused. "I saw the energy. I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit. It's a tactical wolf. Very lethal. Very American."

Hegseth said he did not realize something was amiss until he received a message that Epic Fury was go for launch just before boarding his flight.

"I asked if everyone else was on their way to Tehran," he said. "Then the JSOC commander told me to call him on a secure line, and the other commanders started writing, 'Sir, this shit is kinetic,' 'Get off that plane right meow,' and 'Do not go to Tehran!' That's when I finally understood."

WASHINGTON — During his annual State of the Union address to Congress on Wednesday, President Donald Trump promised Americans that he would carry out the “largest quagmire operation in U.S. history” following the launch of a war against Iran.

“We will have a big, beautiful, never-ending war,” Trump said. “It will be the longest and largest ever. Nobody has ever done quagmire like we’re going to do quagmire. The generals tell me that.”

The campaign, tentatively titled Operation War Like Nobody’s Ever Seen, will reportedly combine a massive air assault, multi-division ground invasion, and an undefined end state described by officials as “winning eventually.”

Pentagon planners confirmed the operation would resemble the early stages of the war in Afghanistan but would be “far more tremendous” and “substantially less thought through.”

“We have so many planes, ships, and troops in the region right now,” Trump said. “Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. It’s incredible. And this time, we’re staying.”

Defense officials clarified that “staying” means maintaining an indefinite troop presence until Iran becomes “a stable democracy, a friendly oil partner, or both.”

“Our models suggest a modest commitment of 140,000 troops for roughly a generation,” said Dr. Meredith Klein, an analyst with the RAND Corporation. “The key variable is whether Iran resists. If they don’t, we could be out in under 25 years.”

Senior planners acknowledged privately that the operation has no clear political objective but stressed that objectives can always be defined retroactively.

CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — America’s technological leapfrog into drone dominance stalled this week after the cyan ink in the OEM-compatible tank of an Epson Workforce NCC-1701-D ran low, sources confirmed today.

All efforts to build and deploy small, lethal drones for America’s battlefield advantage have been placed on hold until Darrell, a GS-12 IT specialist currently on leave, returns to work and determines why fault code 093-401 is appearing at every launch, despite the cartridge being brand freaking new.

Maj. Trent “Independence” Bunker, a recent graduate of the Air Force’s Artificial Intelligence Top Gun program, insisted nothing in the XQ-58 system should even interface with a printer.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.

The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”

“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”

“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”

The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.

“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”

Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.

“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”

She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”

When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

By Martin Bishop, aged 53, who is normally as pro-war as anyone

LOOK, I’m no Labour supporter. Starmer? More like f**king Stalin as far as I’m concerned. So I hate to say it but I’m with the twat on not leaping into this war. 

I know, I know, it’s giving a terrorist regime the scrap they’ve been asking for, it’s Trump showing the libs you can act and not just bang on, Israel’s well up for the ruck, it should be totally my thing. 

The Tories are into it, cause Kemi needs an outlet for her aggression. Farage loves it because it’s war as it should be fought, against foreigners with minimal UK casualties. 

But weirdly, I’m not feeling this one. I think it’s Iraq. You know, what with it being so similar in name to Iran, and right next door, and the fact that we spent 20 f**king years there at a cost of millions and achieved precisely f**k all. 

In fact, are we still there? I know we pulled out of Afghanistan not long ago after a couple of decades of war and it went right back to how it was within, like, days. Which suggests it was a total waste of our time, bullets and Prince Harry. 

And admittedly I watch a lot of YouTube videos about historic tank battles to relax, but planning is a big thing in war. Generals really sit down with maps and go through variables. Whereas Trump seems to have pulled this whole thing out of his arse. 

I get it. Starmer’s a coward. A drone exploded in Cyprus so load up the battleships and get balls-deep into war. The lads on Raise the Colours are unequivocal. 

Let’s just, you know, sit this one out for a bit. See how it goes. Wouldn’t do us any harm to skip one like we did Vietnam. I’m with Keir on this. But bollocks am I voting for him. 

THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure. 

New government guidelines mean legacy acts who insist their new music is relevant or wanted must cut ticket prices by up to 95 per cent, while those who play only the hits will be rewarded accordingly.

Culture secretary Lisa Nandy said: “Sick of being ripped off by David Byrne playing solo shite when the whole audience wants Talking Heads? Now you won’t have to.

“Acts like Oasis, who proudly refuse to bore their fans with any track recorded post-2000, can keep every penny of the £400 they asked of their fans. Morrissey? Can legally only charge £3.26.

“It’s time these so-called artists got the message: we’re only interested in the hits you had when you were young and vital. Your new material sickens us.”

The rule will apply across the board, with Bon Jovi at Wembley Stadium facing severe penalties if they play any track recorded post-Greatest Hits. Meanwhile, EMF will lose out on 15 per cent of the door at the Exeter Phoenix if they play anything but Unbelievable.

Pop acts like Harry Styles whose new material is popular are exempt, because nobody goes to see them except girls anyway.

TRUMP has added Keir Starmer to his Losers’ List after the prime minister refused to let him use our bases for bombing. These are the last five people who may still like him: 

Anyone who doesn’t follow the news

If you voted for ‘no more drama’ in 2024 and then stopped paying attention, you’re happy enough. Keir looks professional enough with his glasses and neat side parting if you don’t really care who he is or what he does. His awkwardly squirming through press briefings has a calming effect too, like the background hum of a fridge freezer.

His childhood best friend

Their Reigate Grammar days are in the past, but the formative memories are with you for life. There was that time Starmer stepped in to stop a fight before changing his mind and siding with the bullies, and who could forget when he successfully argued for more homework? It’s reassuring to this old friend that Starmer hasn’t changed a bit.

The most centrist of dads

Politically homeless centrist dads still like Starmer by default. They’re never going back to the Tories, and Reform are out of the question. The Greens are new and scary and the Lib Dems are too accurate a reflection of their own impotence. So via a grim process of elimination they retain their grudging tolerance for Starmer.

His wife

She sort of has to, what with being married to him. And a high status job helps to make him appear more attractive than he actually is. But as she lies awake at night next to him, she’ll surely question whether she actually likes her husband anymore or if she’s just used to him. And if she wouldn’t prefer Angela Rayner.

Keir Starmer

Keir Starmer loved himself when he first got elected. He looked himself in the mirror every morning with a thin smile. Two years later, it’s a different story. Each day is a new humiliation with no reprieve in sight. He doesn’t hate himself like the public does, but the idea of faking his death and adopting a new identity has been investigated.

PETE Tong, once the Pied Piper of the rave generation, is now 65 and still doing it. And DJ isn’t the only job it’s tricky to be old and wizened in, as these celebs have learned: 

Tamara Beckwith: it girl

Being quite pretty, reasonably posh and going to parties isn’t the most solid basis for a career, and Tamara’s has gone off the boil somewhat at the age of 55. Could she have a second coming as a glamorous elder advertising Saga holidays, walk-in baths and bedside commodes to the Met Bar set, or will the All Saints steal those jobs?

Pete Tong: DJ

Clubbing is inherently a young person’s activity, due to the lateness and Ministry of Sound not doing ‘pie and a pint’ nights. Pete seems to be coping but you know as he spins the latest Afro house tune that inwardly he’s muttering ‘in my day music had a bloody tune you could whistle, like DJ Misjah & DJ Tim’s Access’. 

Harrison Ford: action hero

Action roles are a problem for geriatrics, and Harrison neglected to cultivate a long-running role where he moves around sedately like Patrick Stewart as Professor X. He broke a leg filming The Force Awakens and tore a shoulder muscle in the last Indiana Jones, and in both films the expression on his face made it abundantly clear it was not worth it.

Pamela Anderson: Baywatch babe

Sex symbol is a tough career post-menopause. The media loves to shame female celebs who refused to halt the ageing process almost as much as those who did. Pammie’s brief, fake relationship with Liam Neeson was treated with the same condescension as when eldsters shack up in the nursing home. Not great when you’re only 58.

James Brown: lad guru 

Loaded editor James Brown was central to laddism in the 90s. Now he’s forced to constantly relive those years in every single interview, like some hellish Groundhog Day where he has to talk about trainers, football and Jo Guest in an unending loop.

John Lydon: punk

Ideally punks die young like Sid Vicious or Johnny Thunders, because the alternatives are becoming a sellout with a mortgage or continually trying to shock others at an undignified age. John chose the latter, but is supporting Brexit and Trump shocking from an old white man? The only thing stopping him becoming a golf club bore are his f**king stupid clothes.

Zoe Ball: ladette

Zoe was dubbed a ‘ladette’ in the 90s and to this day the media refer to it constantly despite her now being mumsier than your mum. Unfair to expect a 55-year-old to lead a party lifestyle when hangovers do not seem survivable and the entire bill at Glastonbury is less alluring than your own soft bed.

If there’s one thing that British people adore, aside from Greggs, it’s giving each other inventive nicknames that stick for many, many years past their original invention. They’ve been talking about this on the AskUK subreddit after xpltvdeleted posted this: I’m trying to make the case that the UK is far more nickname-oriented than the […]

The post ‘What’s the best nickname you’ve heard, and the reason for it?’ – 23 excellent British monikers appeared first on The Poke.

Nobody has ever accused Pete Hegseth of being a rule follower. But it doesn’t seem like it will be long before he’s accused of a bunch of other things. The “Secretary of War” wants to chew bubble gum and break international rules of engagement. And he’s all out of bubble gum. Here is the former […]

The post Anti-woke warrior Pete Hegseth just declared war on ‘politically correct’ conflicts and it’s the most comically on-brand thing he’s ever done appeared first on The Poke.

The spin cycle continues as Magas keep popping up all over the TV dial to explain why there is nothing wrong with what’s happening between the US, Iran, and slowly, the rest of the world. The latest of Donald Trump’s lackeys to line up and take a swing at defending the bombing of Iran is […]

The post A Maga insisted the US is not at war with Iran despite bombing it to bits and these A++ comebacks weren’t taking any prisoners appeared first on The Poke.

Hillary Clinton got dragged into the Epstein Files mess last week. She knew it would be a waste of time and she was perfectly happy to share it with the world. The Magas pushing for the hearing had different ideas. They were more comfortable peppering Clinton with questions about Pizzagate in private, so they pushed […]

The post Hillary Clinton’s A++ takedown of Lauren Bobert when she was caught sharing photos of their closed Epstein hearing was simply savage appeared first on The Poke.

Like us you may not be overly familiar with the work of Jo Marney, the self-styled ‘Bad Girl of Brexit’ and one-time girlfriend of Henry Bolton (remember him?). We mention her again because Marney took time out of her busy schedule to take aim at the BBC’s reporters and what they were wearing while reporting […]

The post The ‘bad girl of Brexit’ trolled BBC reporters’ choice of clothes in the Middle East and was brutally schooled into next year appeared first on The Poke.