The Onion
Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him
LONDON—Bolting upright in bed in a cold sweat, actor Tom Holland reportedly woke up from a terrible nightmare Thursday in which the Jenners almost got him. “Oh my God, it was awful—they were bearing down on me, and I screamed and screamed, but no sound came out,” said Holland, who was still trembling as he recalled the “petrifying” dream about reality stars Kylie, Kendall, and Kris Jenner to his partner Zendaya in vivid, ghastly detail. “I was on a red carpet and you were there, but it wasn’t you. You had their heads. And then I looked down and I was wearing a chartreuse pleather suit, and then you were also wearing a chartreuse pleather suit. And then Jacob Elordi appeared, and he said, ‘You go ahead. I’ll hold them off.’” At press time, sources reported that Zendaya was attempting to comfort Tom Holland by assuring him there was no such thing as Los Angeles.
The Onion.
Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out
The Onion.
Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith
Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasn’t invited.
The Onion.
College Professor Pretty Sure Student Using AI To Refuse Advances
EAST LANSING, MI—Calling the 21-year-old’s replies to his emails and text messages “rote” and “overly formal,” local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was “pretty sure” student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances. “It really is a shame with these undergrads these days,” said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor at Michigan State University, noting that Atwater’s written responses to his invitations were remarkably similar to those of other young women who had rejected him this semester, including two who were in her class. “The previous generations never would have turned down a cozy dinner or one-on-one weekend getaway to my Traverse City lake house like this. ‘While I do enjoy drinking wine, I unfortunately have other obligations that night’ is just so plainly robotic. It’s got to be ChatGPT. Who talks like that? A human would say, ‘That sounds amazing, Lowell. I can’t wait to see that Delvaux you have hanging in the bedroom. You’re the best mentor ever.’ Do these young people really have no shame?” Sterbenz added that his suspicions regrettably left him with no choice but to report Atwater to the Office of Academic Integrity.
The Onion.
FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job
WASHINGTON—Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job. “It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who have both children and jobs—and in some cases are even a family’s breadwinner,” said FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, claiming such programs were not in compliance with new guidelines that require fictional mothers to be breastfeeding off-screen for at least two-thirds of an episode’s duration. “It is a violation of broadcast codes for these women to be shown outside the home at all, unless it is at a grocery store or a church. Moving forward, every mother who appears on camera must be holding a child in every single frame or we will revoke the licenses of the offending stations.” Carr added that the FCC would also levy fines against any show portraying young girls attending school.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Duffel Blog
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Daily Mash
Toddler allowed screen time if it’s prestige dramas
A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.
Oliver O’Connor’s middle-class parents introduced the rule after noticing that content made for children lacked the challenging themes and overarching storylines that would set their child apart from the herd.
Mum Eleanor said: “The advice is to limit how many cartoons children watch in a day, but they didn’t say anything about acclaimed live-action series such as Succession.
“Shows like Bluey and Paw Patrol are just empty calories. To truly appreciate television as an art form he needs to see the greatest series of the last 20 years – The Wire, The West Wing, Mad Men. Don’t worry, we’ll circle back to Edge of Darkness and The Singing Detective.
“It’s slow-going, as he often doesn’t have the attention span to sit through the hour-long episodes, but so far he’s watched all of Breaking Bad and The Sopranos. I’ve promised him that if he’s good he can watch 3 Body Problem next.”
Oliver, three, is now becoming an expert on key dramatic principles such as foreshadowing and making characters morally ambiguous rather than two-dimensional.
He said: “Tony Soprano is a bad man but he likes ducks. That means me hitting my sister is fine because I like our neighbour’s dog.”
How to share someone else’s bad news without looking too excited about it
WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.
Choose your audience
Personal problems should be handled with sensitivity, so make sure you only tell people who are as desperate as you for all the gory details and therefore won’t notice your glee as much. It could be a mutual friend, family member, or, with the juiciest bad news, the whole of a train carriage while you’re telling your partner over the phone.
Talk about something else first
Barrelling in with news of misfortune is tempting, but could make you look too enthusiastic, bordering on callous. Ideally, open a conversation with harmless chat about something unrelated like holiday plans or the big woodlouse you spotted in your bathroom this morning. Then you can launch into The Big News without looking like a bastard.
Give the impression this is hard to say
You can also faff around a bit before you deliver the news to build anticipation. Say things like ‘I don’t know how to say this…’ or ‘I’m not sure I should be telling you this…’. Your gossip-based edging will have the audience desperate for joyful relief.
Express your own deep shock
While discussing the delicious trauma of someone else, establish that you were knocked sideways by the news. Emphasise how shocked/appalled/saddened (delete as inapplicable) you were to hear about this absolute banger of a bombshell involving an affair or holiday disaster. This will make you seem like a decent human being capable of empathy. Which of course you are; empathy makes the whole tale of woe more gripping.
Check that people want to hear the details
Of course they want to know every grimy, tragic detail of the gossip, but if you ask people if they ‘really want to hear this’ that makes them the sick one for ghoulishly wanting to know.
Stop to breathe between sentences
If the news is as thrilling as a perfect couple splitting up or a friend’s teen being arrested for arson, it can be hard to take a breath. Try not to garble your words, shriek with excitement, or talk so fast your body enters a state of anaerobic respiration. Calmness will convey that you are merely a reluctant vessel for this news, rather than its greatest cheerleader.
Ask people to keep it quiet
Discretion is expected in sensitive matters like these. When asking people not to spread the news further, try channeling the air of a diplomat handling a delicate political issue, or simply imagine you aren’t a horrible gossip. In truth it doesn’t matter, because you both know the listener will soon be revelling in someone’s husband turning out to be a regular at gay clubs in exactly the same way you are.
Only well-off people spontaneous
SPONTANEITY is limited to people who have the financial means to go on exciting adventures at the last minute, it has emerged.
Research has confirmed that visiting a trendy restaurant on a whim or booking an impromptu skiing holiday to La Bresse is the preserve of high-earners and those with a sickening amount of inherited wealth.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The last time a poor person was spontaneous was in 2006. And they died shortly afterwards from the stress of having no money left.
“Unlike the wealthy, everyone else has to carefully ration their pennies for big expenses like a train journey in six months’ time, or for that matter a big bar of Dairy Milk. Even an unscheduled half could leave them struggling to afford shoes.
“If you can afford to impulsively swing by the cinema or have a weekend break in Madrid you’re in the top one per cent. Why not spontaneously donate some money to charity, or isn’t that fun enough for you?
“Going to Japan should be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, not something you randomly do next week because you’re bored. For normal people, being spontaneous is buying apple-scented washing-up liquid instead of their usual lemon. Provided it’s just as cheap.”
Well-off person Francesca Johnson said: “Have poor people considered owning a large property portfolio or being the privately-educated child of a celebrity? Then they could do whatever they want whenever they like.”
Clarkson forced to bugger sheep to distract from farm’s success
JEREMY Clarkson has made such a success of his farm that in his new series he engages in sexual congress with a sheep so nobody notices.
The cold-buffet-crazed, producer-punching former Top Gear presenter made Clarkson’s Farm to prove how impossible life is for Britain’s farmers, but instead made a great deal of money, and is sodomising livestock to draw attention away from that.
Clarkson said: “Government has made farmers’ lives intolerable. Unfortunately, my show proving that has proved the exact opposite and I look a twat, as usual.
“Consequently, in order for my political opinions to be vindicated, I set out to show that government has made pub landlords’ lives intolerable. But the car park’s full every weekend and my beer’s taken off countrywide.
“I therefore had no option but to corner Flossie, drop the Barbour waxed trousers and give her one right there in the paddock. To prove that government, specifically any Labour one, is making the lives of right-thinking bestialists like myself intolerable.
“Unfortunately seeing me pumping away red-faced shouting ‘take it you bloody ruminant’ is great television, the queue for Flossie reaches two miles long at weekends and she’s making me six grand a night.
“Why does everything I touch turn to gold? Why must I live with this curse?”
Robert Jenrick, and the rest of the happy crew riding the ‘two-tier’ bandwagon
THE police acted incompetently in the Henry Nowak case, but opportunists have turned it into a bandwagon about two-tier, anti-white policing. Here’s who couldn’t wait to get on board.
Rupert Lowe
Restore’s Rupert Lowe claimed the police live in fear of being called racist then went off into loony territory by ranting about our ‘sick multicultural experiment’. ‘I am going to look back in anger,’ he said. ‘I urge you all to do the same.’ Make of that what you will. The sort of people rioting don’t look interested in seeing a John Osborne play.
Robert Jenrick
Jenrick told the Commons that ethnic minorities are ‘elevated’ above whites in the UK, ending with the very clever comment that ‘white lives matter’. Bear in mind this is the twat who painted over refugee children’s murals and eagerly donned a ‘Hamas are terrorists’ sweatshirt. If there was a bandwagon for bandwagons, Jenrick would be on it proclaiming ‘The culture of indigenous bandwagons is under threat!’
Sarah Vine
‘Britain’s police and courts now operate a two-tier justice system,’ wrote Sarah Vine confidently, while tastelessly noting that Nowak ‘died like a dog on the pavement’. And yet research has consistently proved that non-whites get harsher treatment, such as custodial sentences instead of community punishments. Luckily Sarah has plenty of evidence to refute this longstanding error. Sadly she didn’t put it in the article.
Miscellaneous thugs
The bandwagon also served as a holiday coach providing yobs with a fun day out getting pissed, giving Nazi salutes and hurling missiles at the police in a way that’s sufficiently half-arsed to avoid getting arrested. One was seen cheerfully drinking a can of Red Stripe, which feels jarringly multicultural.
Nigel Farage
Farage tried to go one better than Lowe’s ‘look back in anger’ by saying people should respond with ‘pure, cold rage’, which isn’t literally ‘Go and throw a wheelie bin at a copper’ so that’s fine. Unfortunately it appears the two are now in an ongoing competition to be the most right-wing leader, which is going to be f**king tedious. Presumably the next time Lowe denies global warming, Farage will have to say the Greens want to allow vegetables to get married.
Tommy Robinson
Hopping on racially-charged bandwagons is basically Tommy’s job so it was hardly surprising to see him popping up and leading an awkward minute’s silence for ‘Henry’ in front of a mob of shaven-headed racists. Oddly he started ranting about Muslims, which is confusing, but he claims to be a journalist so he must have done his research and Britain is in fact under threat from hordes of Sikh-Muslims.
Kemi Badenoch
In fairness Kemi did actually express personal sadness about the victim, Henry Nowak, but then had to get back on-message for right-wing voters by saying she blamed ‘all the nonsense that came in after the Black Lives Matter movement’. So true, Kemi. It’s such a pain in the arse having to take the knee every time you see a black person on the telly.
The Poke
This TikToker’s complaint about the pronunciation of Featherstonehaugh may be the most relatable thing you see today
The language now commonly spoken in most parts of the UK has evolved from a plethora of ancient languages, as well as more modern slang words. Because of its diverse ancestry, pronunciation of English can be a bit of a minefield …especially where names are concerned. Last year, Singaporean TikToker Caitanya Tan shared her frustration […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump just compared himself to successful new NYC Mayor Mamdani and it was a glorious self-own for the ages
New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani hit the ground running in the Big Apple. He’s been trying to implement as many of his campaign promises as possible, as quickly as possible. He’s only been in office for 5 months and he’s already put policies in place to help immigrants, protestors, and low-cost housing renters. Donald […]
The Poke.
Marco Rubio avoided answering a question about the 2020 election in the most embarrassing way possible – 15 clap backs that fit just right
Yes, Marco Rubio has been caught in far more damning lies before, but this one is too stupidly delightful to pass up. Remember those ill-fitting shoes Donald Trump forced all of his supporters to wear? Well clearly Rubio does, because he recalled them with a swiftness that can only possibly come from a traumatic experience. […]
The Poke.
This bigot’s attempt to troll shop staff who dare to support Pride magnificently blew up in his face and should be made available on prescription
It’s Pride month, which means it must also be the month in which bigots everywhere get even hotter under the collar than they normally do about other people wanting to live their lives the way they want to. Which brings us nicely to this idiot who took his phone along to an American store to […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump said the January 6th rioters who stormed the Capitol were there out of love and got an awful lot of hate in the replies
January 6, 2021 will forever be one of the saddest days in America’s democracy. Thousands of drunk rednecks stormed the Capitol because the racist orange blob they voted for didn’t win the Presidential election. What’s worse, the orang blob was the one who incited the whole thing. Which makes this recent Donald Trump take on […]
The Poke.
