Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

The Onion.

‘Heated Rivalry’ Producers Tease Season 2 Arc In Which Ilya Diagnosed With Depression Only Blow Jobs Can Cure  

TORONTO—Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via blow job. “We’re looking forward to shining a spotlight on mental health this season, in particular, a rare, atypical depressive disorder that responds only to giving and receiving oral sex,” said showrunner Jacob Tierney, who explained that the character is prescribed a treatment plan by his primary care physician that involves going to town on every piece of furniture in his house, boyfriend’s house, car, vacation home, hallway, gym, hotel room, and locker room. “When the doctor tells Ilya he has depression and the only cure is crazy neck, he feels like his world has been turned upside down. Will he be able to get enough of the vital dome he needs? You’ll have to tune in this spring to see.” Tierney also revealed that Ilya’s new buzzed haircut is a result of the character no longer having the energy to take care of his curls now that he’s getting head all the time. The Onion.

Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance

The Onion.

Poll Finds Majority Of Republicans Support Unions

A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers’ continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think? “We can’t count on all bosses to treat their workers as well as Donald Trump does.” Jeff Whitt, Shelving Expert “Collective action is the only way to defeat socialism.” Athena Groce, Brewery Custodian “Just because Republicans support something doesn’t mean they like it.” Don Cardenas, Chinchilla Groomer The Onion.

Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down

WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The technologically advanced plumbing fixtures, some of which retail for as high as $25,000, are said to have initiated the sequence simultaneously in upscale bathrooms from Seattle to New York, their lids rising into the air at a glacial but steady pace as their state-of-the-art LED lighting systems flashed red. According to sources, thousands of affluent smart toilet owners were frantically flipping through their user manuals and mashing buttons on their wireless remotes to no avail, while others who had been in the middle of using the sleek receptacles when the countdown commenced were left quivering on the floor with their pants around their ankles, murmuring “Not me, please, no, not me” as the toilets reached reached “10…9…8…” At press time, reports confirmed the toilets had all reached zero and announced, “Flush complete.” The Onion.

'Oh, Your Intelligent Creations Are Trying To Kill You? That's Interesting,' Says Jesus

PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your intelligent creations are trying to kill you? Interesting."

Holdout Juror Accused Of Getting Hung Up On Fact That Defendant Committed Crime

PLYMOUTH, MA — In the wake of Lindsay Clancy's murder case ending in a mistrial, several jurors have publicly accused the lone holdout juror of being stubbornly hung up on the technicality that the defendant had, in fact, committed the crimes she was accused of.

Dave Ramsey Appalled As Millennial Caller Admits He's Paid Full Price For 'Ocarina Of Time' On 7 Different Occasions

U.S. — The Ramsey Show was cut short on Wednesday when host Dave Ramsey became obviously frustrated with a millennial caller who confessed to paying full price for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on seven different occasions.

Friend Who Completely Forgot About Fantasy Draft Projected To Win Handily

GRAIN VALLEY, MO — The 2026 NFL season is kicking off this week, and as millions of fans set their rosters and starting lineups for the first week, one man who had completely forgotten about last night's fantasy football draft was projected to win the championship handily.

9 Rejected 'VeggieTales' Episodes

There have been over 150 episodes of the beloved children's cartoon VeggieTales across all its iterations, but not every idea the writers had made it onto your screens. As with any show, certain scenes and even whole episodes sometimes got left on the cutting room floor.

Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period

Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period. Now that’s how you treat women right! Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding. So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!  But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast! So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!

Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad

Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad. What a bummer.  While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read. With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).” Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.

Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car

You’ve heard this before. A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.  “He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”  “There weren’t any signs.”  “We never suspected a thing.” And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.  Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.  Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.  Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal. This is just scary.  How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.

Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk

Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk. How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!” Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom. “Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.” Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.  A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!

Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day 

Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.   Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?! Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”    “Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.  “On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work. Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way. The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!

Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone

For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos

WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.

Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Sleeping Marine aces hearing test

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”

How to pretend you’re getting something out of museums and galleries when you’re not

THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly. Stare for an acceptable period Stare at exhibits long after you’ve got the gist and have started feeling bored. This proves you appreciate culture and are not some working-class oik who only enjoys chips and copulating. Never mind that you really can’t see what’s so amazing about a picture of a horse. Think about sex Gazing at a painting is less tedious if you’re weighing up which, if any, of the subjects you’d do. It’s easy for blokes at a John William Waterhouse exhibition as he was into hot redheads and Lady Godiva is naked, but a lot harder with the Bayeux Tapestry, which only has six women and they’re really unrealistic. Who knew 1066 was so sexist? Maintain the right facial expression Look interested and alert at all times with no yawning, sighing or glazed eyes. It’s hard but not impossible; if you’re in a relationship and can not look suicidally bored by Love Island or Operation Barbarossa for an hour, you can manage it with Degas painting bloody ballerinas again. Cast your mind back to the cafe Museum and gallery cafes tend to be upmarket these days, so think about things you could eat there later – the toasted paninis looked nice, maybe followed by a slice of chocolate cheesecake? You’ll be so lost in your own world of food people will assume you’re captivated by a completely pointless painting of a Dutch woman sitting in her living room. Read the placard enthusiastically  Show how engaged you are by eagerly reading out the explanatory placards saying things like ‘The vase depicts Heracles in the Garden of the Hesperides in the style of the Hellenistic period’. Then nod sagely and look thoughtful, instead of more truthfully saying: ‘I have no f**king idea what that means.’ Buy loads of postcards  Nothing shows your deep appreciation of art and history like buying a load of postcards and Blu-Tacking them up in your kitchen. If you’ve been to the Bayeux Tapestry they’ll be of Normans and Anglo-Saxons with weirdly elongated bodies who are too big for their horses, so they might even make the rubbish your kids draw look good for once.

‘I’m making more money from my OnlyFans’

Drinking boiling hot liquid ‘bad for you’

DRINKING liquid so hot it is steaming and hurts to swallow has negative effects on the human body, shocked researchers have found.  A six-year study into whether liquid that would scald skin if poured directly onto it could do any harm inside the body has discovered that it does, upending our understanding of hot liquids. Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “What? A cup of tea so hot I wince when it touches my lips is bad for me now? My God. And I never suspected. “But according to this research, it ‘damages cells’ by a process called ‘burning’ – I’m not familiar with these medical terms – and increases the risk of oesophageal cancer. Wow. “It goes on to say that drinking six or more cups of boiling hot tea raises the risk further, which I question. There doesn’t seem to me any link between a thing being bad for you and doing it repeatedly being worse for you. That’s conjecture. “And all they’ve suggested is waiting until the tea is cooler? I can’t spend all day hanging around for drinks to cool. I’m a builder.” The government is planning a multi-million awareness campaign starring Martin Clunes with the tagline ‘Cool it! Don’t let your cuppa char’ which the British public will completely ignore.

The cinema, and other dates where you don’t have to talk to each other

ON A date, but prefer to keep all that getting-to-know-each-other conversation to a minimum? Choosing these will make the evening as silent as a long marriage:  Cinema Watching a film together quietly will be excellent practice for the rest of your relationship. But since going to an arthouse flick is cooler than slumping in front of Ludwig, you’ll both be able to invest in the fiction that you like each other and are compatible before moving things along to sex. Theatre Like the cinema but more so, the theatre only truly exists to persuade couples they’re doing something other than facing in the same direction while not speaking. Doing this as a date? Legitimises your shared pretence you are classy so means you can skip straight to rutting like beasts, because they did in Pretty Woman.  Gig Trickier, as you need to agree on an artist you both like. Or pick someone entirely unknown and hope the audience is cool enough to validate it. But has the appeal of conversation being impossible and you can hold hands so as to not lose each other in the crowd, and once you’re holding hands you may as well do oral later. Comedy club Suggests you’re fun because you like to passively enjoy other people being fun. In reality it’s likely to be either dull (weekday) or drowned out by pissed arseholes (weekend) but at least the poor bastards on stage will be the ones straining to say something interesting, rather than you. And it encourages drinking, which encourages sex. Ice skating Introduces very real danger into the equation. Your date will be so busy concentrating on not falling over, making a tit of themselves and breaking an ankle they’ll forget to ask if you have a good relationship with your mother or have any pets. Also they’ll clutch onto you a lot and be so grateful it’s over you’ll be banging as soon as you’re in proper shoes again. Silent disco Taking off the headphones is cheating, you explain, adding that it’s also expected to move around the venue and you needn’t stick together. Then groove to your heart’s content, meeting up with them at the end. Remove your headphones and say ‘So, fancy coming back to mine for full intercourse?’ It might work.

Smug September holiday bastards not so f**king smug now

THOUSANDS of self-satisfied twats who ‘prefer to holiday in September’ are not looking quite so clever as they begin their second day at the airport.  All those who pay no mind to school holidays to take advantage of cheaper deals and cooler climates are right now standing around at Gatwick wishing they had not decided to go with shorts for the flight. Martin Bishop of Leominster said: “I could watch this footage all day. “Look at that guy there. He’s just queued for 40 minutes at Costa and paid £13.75 for a coffee and a dry, unpalatable croissant and that’s his breakfast. That’s his f**king breakfast. I had blueberries on my porridge, dickhead. “They’ve spent all summer bragging about how Crete is ‘so much better once the heat of August passes, and actually far more affordable’ and now they’re spending two days of their holiday at East Midlands Airport. “And according to the news even when they finally get flown out their luggage won’t, so they’ll spend all holiday in cheap Spanish polyester filing compensation claims on their phones. Ah. Glorious.” Holidaymaker Carolyn Ryan said: “I may have been stuck at Heathrow for 26 hours but I haven’t got any bratty kids while I do it. So I still win.”

The BBC got absolutely dragged for using ‘food pipe’ in a headline about the health risk of hot drinks – 17 favourite clapbacks

We cross now to BBC News, where there is a report of a worrying finding from a health study. The article in question warns that people who drink their tea and coffee without giving it the chance to cool down a little are as much as three times more likely to develop oesophageal cancer than […] The Poke.

The hilarious Community Note on this ‘fighter plane versus flying carpet’ clip may be the greatest of all time

There’s a lot of misinformation and disinformation relating to the Iran-US war – much of it, bizarrely, coming directly from the Orange Man-baby in the White House. Trump posts AI slop with the caption, “Kharg Island being blown to smithereens!!!” pic.twitter.com/HVTF9xFC6B — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 31, 2026 Obviously, much of it is quite obviously […] The Poke.

A gang of bigoted demonstrators had egg all over their masked faces after the ‘asylum seekers’ they spotted turned out to be Pakistan’s U19 cricket squad

In the latest ‘We only object to illegal immigration’ news, a crowd of balaclava-clad demonstrators rocked up to Portsmouth’s Marriott Hotel after someone spotted young brown men arriving by coach. With no justification or information other than the colour of these men’s skin, the mob remained outside the hotel until a local Reform councillor informed […] The Poke.

The Met Police have opened a new investigation into Reform UK’s finances, and the schadenfreude is off the scale – 23 top responses

In shocking news, it seems that Nigel Farage has taken some time off from his tireless work for the constituents of Clacton to go on a jaunt to Washington DC, where he’s taking part in celebrations of the anniversary of the launch of GB News in the US. Gasps all round, eh? – Re-elected MP […] The Poke.

This cat owner checked in on her pet while she was away and the camera footage is surely the funniest animal video you’ll watch this week

Cat owners know what they’re getting into the moment they bring the furball home. Hardly no attention almost all of the time. But also unrelenting attention at the least convenient times. Early morning face sits and middle of the night bathroom trippings will haunt the cat owner for the entirety of their time together. The […] The Poke.