The Onion
Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday to gain enough momentum to sit up from his chair. According to several reports, the 73-year-old used the mass of his large belly like a pendulum’s counterweight as he oscillated to and fro, building up the speed necessary to free himself from the recliner. Living room sources confirmed that Palacios, whose face grew red as he accelerated, produced rhythmic, involuntary guttural noises each time he lurched upward and fell back down into the seat cushion, failing in his repeated attempts to reach escape velocity. At press time, Palacios was said to be motionless after hurtling forward and crashing into the wall.
The Onion.
Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have
WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. “I’m calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me,” said Trump, acknowledging that he had previously asked for just $900 billion but was now requesting more so that he would have more. “Even as we speak, I do not have this money, and the only way for me to get it is through swift budgetary action. I’ve gone too long without $1.2 trillion that I’d very much like to have so I can spend it on things I want. It is also possible I’ll want to have more money at a later date, and I will request it then.” At press time, the Senate passed the $1.2 trillion spending measure mostly along party lines, with Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) joining all Republicans in support.
The Onion.
Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup
HEATH, TX—Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal told reporters Tuesday that even he was surprised to learn he was the new spokesman for DivaCup. “Really don’t remember signing up for this one—I remember Icy Hot, the General, JCPenney, and Muscle Milk, but not this Diva thing,” said the four-time NBA champion, staring in confusion at a commercial in which he is seen touting the benefits of the silicone menstrual cup, which he speculated “seems to be some kind of condom for girls.” “I mean, I’m not gonna say no to a $2 million check, but I’m not sure who thought I should be the face of this. I guess it kind of looks like a basketball hoop, but they didn’t have me dunk on it in the commercial or anything. I just hold it up and say, ‘No matter what your flow, Diva’s the right fit for you. Say goodbye to single-use tampons and hello to reusable 12-hour protection.’ So I don’t know. Maybe ladies just really trust Shaq.” After being informed about the actual function of a menstrual cup, O’Neal shrugged and observed that “it’s still not as gross as Papa Johns.”
The Onion.
JD Vance Disavows Trump’s Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable Genius
The Onion.
Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich
NEW YORK—Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their return from the IRS for funding their dream sandwich. “Rather than spend that money right away, what would happen if you set it aside as an investment in the sandwich of your dreams?” said certified financial planner Rhett Bonham, adding that every dollar saved today could amount to a bigger, better panini, hoagie, or grinder down the line. “If you’re expecting a refund this year, that money could be the first step you take toward a delectable chopped Italian sub for you and your family in the future. Maybe you won’t have enough for a multilayered club, but placing your annual tax return in a compounded savings account could land you a nine-inch eggplant parm on semolina in as few as five to 10 years. Now, you may be tempted to blow it all on a bag of chips as soon as it hits your account, but you don’t want to hit 50 and realize you’ve never tried a roasted mushroom melt with horseradish aioli, do you?” Bonham went on to warn that it would only become more difficult for everyday Americans to procure a sandwich in the future as private equity company Blackstone had already purchased 60% of sammies in the U.S. alone.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Tough Spot: JD Vance Just Had To Spend A Whole Press Conference Defending Trump’s Post About How He Wants To Use JD Vance As A Golf Club
JD Vance has often found himself on cleanup duty after President Trump’s seemingly unhinged online statements, and this most recent instance might be his most difficult job yet: The Vice President just had to spend a whole press conference defending Trump’s post about how he wants to use JD Vance as a golf club.
Late last night, President Trump took to Truth Social to write a surprising screed about his VP. Read the post below:
Almost as soon as the post went up, the Internet was up in arms, with many X and Truth Social users stating that the President likely couldn’t hold Vance’s body up long enough to use him as a golf club, and others criticizing his focus on using the VP as a golf club while the war in Iran continues to drag on.
JD Vance himself likely felt apprehensive about the content of Trump’s post, but he nevertheless defended the President in a White House press briefing this morning. “Look: President Trump has worked with me, he’s seen me in action, he feels confident I would make a good golf club, and he thinks that would be what’s best for the country right now,” said Vance. “This administration isn’t afraid to get rid of the usual norms around who or what should be a golf club, or a baseball bat, or any kind of sports equipment. Because it’s very obvious that the way the Democratic establishment has been approaching golf clubs has done absolutely nothing for the American people.”
When a reporter from Reuters asked Vance whether Trump using him as a golf club was expected to have a positive effect on the American economy, the Vice President responded by saying, “Yes.”
Wow. JD Vance really has his work cut out for him today. We hope the media keeps pressing him on the issue, because if Trump is really going to use the Vice President as a golf club, the American people need to know more.
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
‘I Come Bearing Gifts’: President Trump Kicked Off His Trip To China By Gifting President Xi Jinping A Copy Of Lena Dunham’s ‘Famesick’ That He Personally Translated To Mandarin
Trump’s Beijing visit this week is clouded by geopolitical tensions between the US and China, but that’s not stopping POTUS from making the ultimate diplomatic gesture: President Trump kicked off his trip to China by gifting President Xi Jinping a copy of Lena Dunham’s Famesick that he personally translated to Mandarin.
Say what you will about Trump, there’s no denying that’s a thoughtful gift!
President Trump wasted no time setting the tone of his state visit to China, greeting President Xi Jinping with a hard-cover edition of Lena Dunham’s memoir Famesick, which Trump spent the last month painstakingly translating to Mandarin by typing the entire autobiography into Google Translate, and then transferring the results into the book with a Sharpie marker. As China’s leader leafed through Lena Dunham’s candid descriptions of the struggles with chronic illness she dealt with during her rise to fame for writing and starring in HBO’s Girls – occasionally stopping to squint at unfamiliar Chinese characters Trump had written, including one used for ‘Hillary Clinton’ that was allegedly just a frowny face in a rice hat – Trump explained the book as a symbol of goodwill towards American-Chinese trade relations.
“This is the most important book in my country – what Quotations From Chairman Mao is to China, Famesick is to the United States, and it’s written by someone not so different from you and I and Mr. Mao, Mr. Xi,” Trump whispered in Xi’s ear. “Her name is Leno Dunham, and she’s one of the worst treated ladies of all time, all because people are jealous of an incredible deal she made with HBO when she was 23 years old. It was one of the best deals ever made, and she got it done even though she had to deal with Jenni Konner and a total lemon of a uterus the whole time. Oh, and her boyfriend ‘Jack Off’-something was in love with a foreign little girl who didn’t even have a name. None of it mattered. Leno got it done.”
“Mr. Xi, it’s obvious that Ms. Leno’s story is a metaphor for America and China: ignoring problems like the war in Iran (Adam Driver) and Taiwan (chronic illness), to become rich (Girls). And let me tell you, her story is even better in Mandarin. I cancelled so many important meetings to translate this for you. The Fake News Media thinks my discolored, scabby hands are from some terminal illness, when it’s actually from translating Famesick to Mandarin for you with a Sharpie. It caused permanent damage to nerves in my fingers. I was screaming in pain the whole time. Your language is genuinely insane. Anyway, let’s get China importing more American goods, okay?”
President Xi simply nodded, handed Famesick to an assistant, then guided Trump to a private room for a one-on-one meeting.
Wow. Considering how high the stakes are for Trump’s talks with Xi, it’s relieving to see that Trump opened things up with such a friendly offering! Personally translating Lena Dunham’s chronicle of fame, addiction, and personal health for Xi Jinping is a classy move, and hopefully a sign that China and the U.S. can start seeing each other as allies instead of enemies!
Damage Control: The Cruise Ship Industry Just Issued A Press Release Explaining That Contracting Hantavirus Is ‘Only Like The 32nd Worst Thing That Can Happen To You On A Cruise’
With the recent cases of hantavirus spreading onboard the MV Hondius cruise ship, you may be rethinking booking yourself a vacation aboard a similar vessel. Well, looks like the cruise ship industry has a message for people like you: They’ve just issued a press release explaining that contracting hantavirus is, “only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise.”
Dang, if that’s true, guess if you plan on going on a cruise, you have worse things to worry about than a potentially fatal virus spread by rodent waste!
The press release released this morning by Cruise Lines International Association explained, “Following the hantavirus outbreak aboard the MV Honduras, we would like to reassure cruisegoers that contracting hantavirus is only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise. From tainted seafood buffets, shipwide toilet malfunctions, elderly German nudists, bloody mary diarrhea, hirsute horny weirdos who won’t leave you alone, bad Jimmy Buffet cover bands, and all sorts of other high seas bullshit, we can think of many occurrences that could cause you to suffer severe distress during the course of a cruise trip. We encourage everyone who isn’t concerned with all of those things to chill out over the whole hantavirus situation. There are at least 31 worse possibilities to worry about, if not more.”
Well, those all undoubtedly all seem like great points!
Hopefully this message from the cruise ship industry helps put your mind at ease about booking a cruise by helping you realize that the hantavirus is only one of the many, many horrible things about spending weeks at sea on a huge vessel packed with thousands of drunk strangers. It’s great that they helped put this in perspective!
5 Ways You Can Discreetly Celebrate Someone’s Birthday Without Them Knowing
Sometimes a friend or relative has a birthday, but you’re embarrassed to celebrate in a way that they will find out about. Fortunately, there are some awesome and creative ways to celebrate someone’s birthday discreetly without them ever knowing. Here are five ways it can be done!
1. Whisper The Words “Happy Birthday” To A Chicken And Then Kill The Chicken
One of the most beautiful things about chickens is that they are unable to speak because they evolved wrong. This means that anything you say to a chicken remains a secret forever. If you want to wish a friend a happy birthday without them ever knowing, you should whisper their birthday greetings into the ear of a chicken. Even if the chicken wants to tell the friend, it will be unable to. However, there is always the chance that chickens will evolve the ability to speak at a moment’s notice, so you must also kill the chicken to make sure the birthday wishes remain a secret forever.
2. Decide That A Cake From The Past As Their Birthday Cake
If you give your birthday-having friend a birthday cake, they’re going to know that you’re wishing them a happy birthday, which would be a disaster and the end of your world. That’s why a great way to wish your friend a happy birthday in secret is to look at a photograph of a birthday cake from 100 years ago and say, “That’s the birthday cake for my friend, whose birthday is today.” This way, you can get your friend a cake that is so far away in time and space that they will never be able to eat it or even know about it.
3. Run Over A Piñata While They’re Sleeping
Piñatas are a type of donkey you destroy to make birthdays amazing. When your birthday-having friend falls asleep, drive into the woods and run over a piñata with your car. In this way, you will mark the splendid occasion of your friend’s birthday while they are dreaming someplace far away.
4. Give Them A Gun And Never Tell Them Why
For thousands of years, several people have mentioned that gifts are a part of birthdays. Many times, guns are gifts. For this reason, give your friend a gun on their birthday. However, if your friend asks, “Why did you give me a gun?” you must simply say, “I do not have to explain myself to you.” In this way, you have honored your friend’s birthday without them understanding why they now own a gun.
5. Wait Until They Are Dead And Then Blow One Of Those Party Noise Things
The party noise things are a kind of beautiful musical instrument that does the thing where it unrolls and gets longer when you blow into it. It also makes a loud noise. People blow these things on people’s birthdays to make them smile and clap. However, if you blow one of these near your friend on their birthday, they will know that you are doing it to celebrate their birthday and they will smile and clap like a person having a public birthday. But your friend must never know that you are celebrating their birthday or else your life will become horrible. As a result, the thing to do is wait until your friend is finally dead and then give one of those party noise things one big honk. In this way, your friend’s birthday has been honked about, but they have passed into a realm where they are unable to ever know about. This place is known as the Realm Of The Dead, and we are all going to be there soon enough. Happy birthday to your friend.
Duffel Blog
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
Daily Mash
Am I part of the whiniest generation in history?
I WAS born in 1994, at the tail end of the shoegaze era. Am I especially unfortunate to be part of the whiniest generation in history?
I missed out on student grants. I missed out on cheap house prices. I missed out on lead poisoning from exhausts, corporal punishment in schools and mass unemployment as well, but I’m not interested in those because they didn’t happen to me.
Meanwhile my generation has suffered endless inequitable treatment. We missed Britpop, due to being children, so the first record I bought was Big Brovaz’s Nu Flow. You see how we’re cursed?
We couldn’t go to university. I mean loads of us could and did, unlike all those boomers who worked down the pit and got their pet hawks killed for daring to dream, but it wasn’t free and that’s a terrible injustice.
Our chances of buying an Instagrammable property in Notting Hill are basically zero, unlike in the 60s where you could rent a subdivided slum and get dogs set on you if you didn’t pay on time or they evicted you regardless.
And we’ve had the terrible misfortune of the internet meaning we get bullied on social media, instead of in real life, and we have non-stop 24-7 internet filth traumatising us instead of having to get what erotic charge we could from shop mannequins.
Finally, there’s pensions. Anyone older than us has an incredible pension, financed by most men dying of massive smoking-induced heart attacks aged 64 after which their wives moved in with their children to sit in the corner frowning for 20 incontinent years.
Yes, we truly are the unluckiest, and consequently the whiniest, generation in history. Though I bet another generation will come along and claim to be even whinier. It’s so unfair.
How to consistently be the worst at Eurovision: a UK guide
WANT to barely scrape last place at Eurovision year after year with entries that genuinely make you ashamed? Learn from the country that has perfected the art:
Choose an abysmal song
The key to winning Eurovision is, surprisingly, entering a song that is fun to listen to. Difficult because music is subjective, but the United Kingdom has cracked the opposite formula: tunes that, year after year, are universally despised. And for a continent as diverse and fractured as Europe, bringing it together via hate is something to be proud of.
Refuse to be sexy
Europe is notorious for its debauched love of sex and tits and wrapping them in Bacofoil. Don’t pander to it. Impressing the judges with a buxom singer wearing f**k all but glitter would score points, but where’s the integrity? Scoring nul points may be embarrassing today, but all the best artists are unappreciated in their own lifetimes. Well, some of them.
Be a geopolitical pariah
As much as they claim otherwise, European countries vote according to historical grudges. Look at Ireland: never invaded anywhere and has won a record seven times. To come last, fight wars against the whole continent over 800 years and be ancient enemies with your nearest neighbour. Israel is the exception that proves this rule.
Never learn from your mistakes
After years of coming dead last, it might be tempting to switch up by entering a listenable song. It’s vital that you resist this temptation and stay on the right track. Persistence is key, and now Europe’s become accustomed to your terrible music and unlikable singers you cannot deprive them of a cherished Eurovision tradition.
Enter an even worse song
At Eurovision nothing makes sense, so it’s likely the continent will develop a deranged, Stockholm syndrome-like affection for your crapness. So innovate and plumb new depths of awfulness in order to come last year after year. Next year? Tommy Robinson singing football chants without a microphone while not knowing the words. Look forward to that.
Win Makerfield, romance Shabana Mahmood, raise Brexit from the dead: the Seven Trials of Andy Burnham
ANDY Burnham must pass seven trials to become prime minister. These are they:
Win Makerfield
To earn the right to Downing Street, the King in the North Across the Water must triumph in a former safe seat where Reform lead. Can he take a constituency populated by 28 per cent ordinary working folk and 72 per cent Westminster journalists doing vox pops?
Recover the fabled Jewel of Working-Class Support
Deep Burnham must dive, deep into a flooded mine where he will do battle with the Hydra of Flattened Vowels, outrun the Agenda of News and find the long-lost scarlet Jewel. Only if it glows at his touch will we know he is the One who Raise the Colours May Consider.
Romance the home secretary
Always, since time immemorial of 2018, Britain must have a brown home secretary for they are the worse racists. Burnham must wine, dine and win the love of the current incumbent for otherwise the sin of Open Borders dwells within his heart.
Spend an hour with Sensei Corbyn
A full hour must Burnham spend with the Old One, the Guru, the Collective Leader-Without-Leadership of Your Party and withstand the lectures on Palestine, Cuba, and injustices hitherto unknown. If he can smile and nod and patronise, he passes.
Survive the Newsprint Beasting
Any Labour prime minister will face six hostile headlines daily in major newspapers, because that is Normal and How Things Must Be. Burnham must go through an accelerated process where he faces 186,000 in a minute then act like he is not bothered.
Raise Brexit from the dead
To show he deserves to lead the Separatist Nations, Burnham must single-handedly raise the corpse of Brexit from the unhallowed ground it lies in then slay it to show he can keep it in a permanent half-life, never successful, never condemned, only ruling eternally.
Win over Labour members
Finally, when all other trials are complete Burnham must win the favour of a majority of Labour members. Many of whom are aged 85 and demanding a return to the Foot Manifesto of 1983 plus full union membership for all professions. Good luck, Andy.
First-class train ticket well worth it for sense of superiority
TRAVELLING first-class by train offers the priceless experience of being far better than one’s fellow man, a passenger has discovered.
Jack Browne paid the extra for a first-class journey from London to Carlisle and is still coasting on the feeling of looking down on the hoi palloi from a position of pampered, exclusive comfort.
He said: “It began the moment the platform was announced and the herd began rushing and pushing to get their seats in cattle class, laden with bags, stinking of fast food. While I calmly strolled to my carriage, conveniently situated adjacent to the concourse.
“I had a table seat, obviously, amid a sea of peaceful emptiness. I was brought complimentary water. My phone charging, my legs outstretched, I was served hot porridge. On a train. Imagine such luxury.
“As we pulled into each station, the commoners on the platform would realise they were standing in front of my first-class carriage and hurry along to a more affordable location. That’s right, I thought. Away you go.
“The conductor passed deferentially through and I glimpsed the hell below, a nightmare of teens, backpackers, babies. Four laptops to a table. I raised my glass of Rioja to them as the doors closed again. Poor souls. Poor, standard souls.
“I arrived at my destination 49 minutes late but as a pre-eminent member of society perusing my complimentary Daily Telegraph. Not my normal paper, but its columnists really make a lot of sense.”
Baby names, long emotional messages to men, unattainable life goals: what girls have in their phone notes
CAMERON, Ezra, Hector? 22 reasons why you’re emotionally dead and need therapy, Mark. Become size eight. A woman’s Notes app offers regrettable insights:
Shopping lists
Begins ‘eggs, milk’ before collapsing into ‘stop eating like divorced man of 48’. Aspirational items like ‘miniature lemons’ and ‘agave nectar’ slip in, compiled during optimistic moments when the author is planning a total life change. Is never consulted in shops, where Frosties and Chardonnay are bought instead.
Life goals
‘Move to Italy’, ‘find signature scent’ and ‘stop letting bad text ruin week’ are all written at 1.17am after watching one reel of a woman in Oslo with linen bedsheets and a baker husband named Lars. Soon, goals like ‘heal’ and ‘set boundaries’ slip to smaller goals like ‘do washing’ and ‘cancel Apple TV’. Even those don’t happen.
Baby names
At least 45 are listed despite the owner being single, exhausted and swearing off dicks in every sense. Divided into categories like ‘cute for daughter in cardigan’, ‘fine for a ginger’ and ‘son/Labradoodle?’ Choosing a new Pope takes less thought. Any associated with exes, bitches at school or catastrophic Hinge dates are blacklisted.
Long emotional messages to men
The app should really bar any of these being cut-and-pasted into a text or e-mail. Every woman has drafted at least one 1,900-word essay beginning ‘I just think it’s funny how…’ before spiralling into a breakdown of an entirely unamusing situationship. It’s a forensic cross-examination of a man who, if he ever saw it, would close it without reading.
Topics for therapy
Essentially the same as the previous topic but directed inwards. Made up of bullet points written at 3am including ‘fear of abandonment?’, ‘self-sabotage?’ and ‘burn-out or need hair recolour?’ Will never be mentioned in therapy, because she wants her therapist to like her.
Wedding plans
A highly detailed plan for a wedding with the budget and logistical complexity of a coronation, with a blank space left for the groom. ‘Small and relaxed’ evolves into ‘mismatched satin’, ‘organic champagne towers’ and ‘everyone cries but elegantly’. ‘Custom, nun-made veil’ and ‘find calligrapher URGENT’ are added.
Doomed attempts at creative writing
At some point every girl has written the first line of what she believed would become a profound bestselling novel. Usually this happens after two glasses of wine, a minor setback and a Greta Gerwig film. It begins ‘The city hummed beneath her like a wounded animal’, shortly followed by ‘film adaptation: Anya Taylor-Joy as me? or Sadie Sink?’
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People shared the things about Britain that make them glad they live here – 23 peak British responses that should be hung in the National Gallery
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