Flyers Fans Not Sure  Whether Gritty  Supposed To Be Eating Live Bird

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing confusion over whether they were witnessing a sanctioned in-game antic or the feral behavior of a mascot gone rogue, Philadelphia Flyers fans reported Tuesday that they weren’t sure if Gritty was actually supposed to be eating a live bird. “He went straight from a silly hula dance to this—is it part of the bit or something?” said season ticketholder Bruce Czarnik, staring in wide-eyed disbelief at the smiling orange monster, who smothered a frantic pigeon against his fuzzy chest, stuffed it into his toothless maw, and calmly gummed the still-flapping bird as the arena PA system blasted Lizzo’s “Good As Hell.” “This is pretty different from the usual T-shirt cannon stuff. But I don’t know, it seems like he’s really trying to pump up the crowd. He made a big show of snapping the bird’s neck.” At press time, witnesses confirmed that Gritty had spit out the bird’s head and presented it to a small child before gesturing to the crowd to make some noise.  The Onion.

Depraved Inbred Community Distances Itself From Prince Andrew

The Onion.

King Charles Visits U.S. For State Dinner

King Charles III and his wife Queen Camilla arrived in the U.S. to attend a state dinner at the White House, highlighting the countries’ “special relationship” amid strained diplomatic relations. What do you think? “Quick, they’ve left the palace undefended!” Kayleigh Pope, Spice Weigher “What kind of side did he bring?” Alfred Rivas, Sealant Expert  “Solid option when you just don’t feel like cooking.” Leon Howe, Elevator Tester The Onion.

Scientist Accused Of Poisoning Colleague Who Got Promotion

A University of Wisconsin lab employee admitted to poisoning a coworker’s water bottle with chloroform after the coworker received a promotion. What do you think? “That’s just how you determine who’s hearty enough for more responsibility.” Don Anderson, Haiku Publisher “Rookie move not poisoning yourself and blaming it on them.” Jesse Marlin, Grain Scooper “There’s still so much we don’t know about chloroform’s effect on coworkers.” Bill Armstrong, Utensil Exporter The Onion.

Trump Boys Break Another Blender Attempting To Make Oil Out Of Charcoal

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce gas prices while “President Dad” worked to reopen “the Street of Hummus [sic],” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly broke another blender Wednesday during an attempt to make oil out of charcoal. “Ugh, we made smoke instead of gas, but we’re getting close—I think we just need one more blender,” a soot-covered Donald Jr. said while dumping half a bag of Kingsford briquettes into a new pitcher. “We need to add some water so it turns into gasoline. Start it on low before going to high. You’re not pushing the buttons hard enough! Something’s stuck at the bottom. I’m going to stick my hand in there, and you get stuff moving by pressing the pulse button. Come on, push the buttons better!” At press time, sources confirmed the Trump Boys were attempting to refine their homemade oil concoction by retrieving a cup of electricity from the wall outlet. The Onion.

After Seeing Ben Sasse's Incredible Faith And Character, Nation Understands Why He Had To Leave Politics

UNITED STATES — After seeing Ben Sasse's incredible faith in God and upstanding moral character, the nation now understands why the former senator had to leave politics behind.

Dad Splits Commute Time Between Worshipping The Lord Jesus Christ And Cursing Out Bad Drivers

LEE'S SUMMIT, MO — Traveling to and from work followed its standard pattern this morning, as a local dad once again split his commute between worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ and cursing out bad drivers.

Vegan Crossfitter Cyclist Unsure What To Tell You About First

SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a local vegan Crossfitter cyclist has become increasingly frustrated in his social life because he never knows what to tell people about first.

'Is It Too Late To Ask Who Gerry Mander Is?' KBJ Whispers To Clarence Thomas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly before the United States Supreme Court issued its ruling on Louisiana's proposed redrawing of its congressional map, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly asked fellow Justice Clarence Thomas if it was too late to ask who this "Gerry Mander" person was.

Facing Budget Crisis, Mamdani Calls His Parents To Ask If He Can Borrow $4 Billion

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Facing a significant budget crisis, Mayor Zohran Mamdani confirmed he had called his mother to ask if he can borrow $4 billion.

Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are

It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.  Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate. Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done. So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?  Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.” Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage. Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice? Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.

Insidious Advertising: Thousands Of People Have Begun Noticing Eye Floaters Shaped Like Cameron Winter

In recent weeks, the band Geese has come under fire over the marketing tactics that made them a viral sensation in 2025, with fans and critics alike now labeling them “industry plants.” However, their use of fake fan accounts to manipulate social media algorithms looks innocent compared to this: Thousands of people have begun noticing eye floaters shaped like Cameron Winter.  Oof. Cameron’s not beating the “psyop” allegations anytime soon. According to a new Pitchfork article, people across the country are developing “Winter Floaters” – eye floaters that bear an uncanny resemblance to Geese frontman Cameron Winter. The phenomenon was first observed by Dr. Alicia Moore, a Brooklyn-based optometrist, whose patients began reporting “one or more eye floaters shaped like a lanky, unkempt boy with shaggy hair.” Then, after a patient specifically referenced “Cameron Winter” to describe their eye floater, Dr. Moore looked up photos of the singer and showed them to the other patients, who all confirmed that he was exactly what their eye floaters looked like.  “When they asked who Cameron Winter was, I’d tell them he was a singer for a band called Geese, and they’d look up his music and come to their follow-up appointments wearing Geese merch,” explained Dr. Moore, whose waiting room is now regularly packed with people in Geese shirts, all seeking treatment for eye floaters. “Then they’d ask why their eye floater was shaped like their new favorite musician, Cameron Winter, and that’s when I began to wonder if I’d unwittingly participated in a music marketing firm’s promotional strategy.”  Last fall, Dr. Moore presented the Cameron Winter eye floater phenomenon at a conference organized by the American Optometric Association, and found that dozens of optometrists from throughout the United States were observing the same. The doctors compared patient data, and determined that as of autumn 2025, over 6,000 Americans were affected by “Winter Floaters.” By now, the number is likely far higher.  “In light of the discourse about this band’s sudden rise to social media ubiquity, it’s hard to believe that thousands of people developed Winter Floaters around the same time by sheer coincidence,” said Dr. Moore, who clarified that Winter Floaters are harmless, except for one extreme case where a patient’s Winter Floaters multiplied in number and size to the point of permanently blinding them. Chaotic Good Projects, Geese’s P.R. agency, declined our requests for comments. Whether it was Cameron Winter’s marketing team who got these floaters in people’s eyes, and how they pulled that off, remains a mystery. If it was indeed the Geese team, their campaign’s success is backfiring on Winter and the band, because it’s tactics like this that are making them synonymous with “industry plants.” Have you experienced Winter Floaters? Let us know in the comments!

Everyone Has A Special Power: This Man Emits A ‘Shirtless Man’ Vibe Even While Wearing A Shirt

Did you know that everyone has a special power, even if they don’t know it?  It could be something simple, like being kind when others need it the most. It could be something remarkable, like being a brain surgeon or a ballerina. Or, as in this man’s case, it could be emitting a “shirtless man” vibe even while wearing a shirt.  Now there’s a special power you don’t hear about every day! When this man walks by someone, they often have to do a double take. At first glance it may appear as if he’s completely shirtless, due to his heavy “shirtless man” vibes.  Many a convenience store clerk has caught themself about to request this man put a shirt on, only to realize it was simply the energy he was giving off and not an actual lack of shirt that was causing this man to appear so incredibly shirtless.  There’s just something about this man’s combination of “I could be shirtless right now and be perfectly comfortable” confidence and vaguely inappropriate appearance that makes it seem like he doesn’t have a shirt on even though he totally does. Whether he was born giving off total shirtless vibes or it was a special power that he cultivated through years of chain smoking cigarettes and sort of looking like he just woke up all the time is unclear.  But what is clear is that this man is as shirtless as someone can seem while wearing a shirt.  And that’s a pretty cool special power. What’s yours?

Making Things Right: President Trump Has Announced That Following The WHCD Shooting, The Secret Service Agent Whose Job It Is To Let In Shooters Has Been Fired

Over the weekend, The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was tragically interrupted by a shooting that has raised many questions regarding the safety of the venue and the security measures that were in place. Fortunately, President Trump has swiftly ensured that something like this will never happen again, as he has just announced that the Secret Service agent whose job it is to let in shooters has been fired. Now that’s now you make things right! According to White House sources, as soon as the Cabinet members were evacuated from the Hilton, President Trump took to Truth Social to clear up misconceptions about how the shooter made his entry, and what steps were being taken following this incident. “Sadly a DEMENTED SHOOTER decided it was appropriate to SHOOT during a Magician’s fantastic performance during the White House Correspondents Dinner. I Hear many have questioned how a shooter got inside, let alone with a SHOOTING DEVICE. I can clear this up easily. The shooter was let inside by the Agent whose “Secret Job” it is to let shooters inside.   As is Customary, the “Secretive Service” agent followed protocol at security by confirming the Shooter 1.) Had no invitation to the Gala, 2.) Has gun, and 3. *MOST IMPORTANT* Has intent to Kill. Upon confirmation the gun was LOADED (as IS REQUIRED), the shooter was ushered inside to a FANTASTIC seat (EXCELLENT VIEW of PRESIDENT TRUMP and the MENTALIST) where he was fed a GREAT STEAK MEAL! Yes,, the SHOOTER was permitted inside, treated to Fine American “MAGA” generosity and FREE BULLETS for his Weapon. All courtesies he did NOT show us in return when he SHOOTED! So,, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, The Secret Service agent who gave him Entry has BEEN FIRED. I will make AMENDS with the Magician as well, for his excellent Mentalist show was ruined by Shooter’s SELFISH DECISION to shoot his Loaded Gun.” Wow. It’s a very upsetting situation, but on the bright side, President Trump is quickly taking action. White House representatives confirm that the Secret Service agent in question has been relocated to the US-Mexico border, where his job will now be to let illegal immigrants into the country so that they can be immediately deported by ICE. Let’s hope that whoever replaces this Secret Service agent does a better job letting in shooters, because this was seriously not okay.

Close, But No Cigar: The Butterflies Mom Thinks Are A Sign That Grandpa Wants Her To Know He’s In A Better Place Are Actually Signs That The Late John McCain Wants Her To Kill For Him

Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him. Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.   Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.   Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.   Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!

SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified. Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting. Learn more “We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.

Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense

FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.” “These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”

Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile

ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.” Exclusively accepted where your bad decisions begin. Learn more Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.

Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.” To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.

Cider Barrel, and other lollies that prove the old days were better and you should vote Reform

THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele. Mini Milk  Bland and unexciting, but that was a good thing because it taught us to endure hardship uncomplainingly. Rest assured Reform will be bringing back that Blitz Spirit. Nigel will personally launch a lolly called The Dunkirk, tasting of Spam and sand. Cider Barrel A relic of a better time when drink driving was socially acceptable and motorists weren’t terrorised by the seatbelt Gestapo. And where are Britain’s historic cider orchards these days? Chopped down to make space for wind turbines and asylum hostels. Laurie Lee would turn in her grave if she knew what had become of the land of Cider Barrel with Rosie. Orange Maid Banned now because ‘maid’ is gender-specific and therefore offensive to trans ‘women’. Under Reform it will be illegal for ice cream vans to discriminate in favour of transgender people. We are very keen on important policies like that. The Fab lolly The Fab lolly was a cornerstone of Anglo-Saxon culture, now all but extinct thanks to mass immigration and woke. Its three iconic tiers of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate with hundreds and thousands were as quintessentially English as Nelson’s fleet. You can still get them in supermarkets, so it’s unclear what our beef is here, but that’s often the case with Reform.  The Zoom No British summer was complete without a pineapple, orange and strawberry lolly vaguely shaped like a rocket. But how long before those refreshing fruit flavours are replaced by curry, jerk chicken and Eastern European sausage in the name of multiculturalism? Vote Reform before it’s too late. Dracula We all know why you can’t get these wonderful lollies anymore. The menacing shape of Dracula and the raspberry-flavoured ‘blood’ centre would have today’s snowflake youngsters sobbing and demanding a safe space. Under Reform horror lollies will be sold freely, especially ones named after classic British films, such as ‘The Blood on Satan’s Cornetto’ and ‘Don’t Lick Now’. Funny Feet  Introduced in 1980, and as much a symbol of British greatness as Margaret Thatcher, the Falklands War and Daley Thompson. In what other decade could you have celebrated the sinking of the Belgrano while sucking on a strangely gelatinous ice cream foot? Truly the best of times.

Angela Rayner to come back played by different actress

ANGELA Rayner is to return to cabinet but played by a noticeably different actress, Labour have confirmed. The member for Ashton-under-Lyne will still be red-haired and bear a resemblance to her previous portrayal, but will have a markedly different chin and be an estimated five to ten years younger. Constituent Thomas Booker said: “So that’s why they wrote her out of Cabinet on such a flimsy pretext, and why we haven’t seen hide nor hair of her since. “Did they really think we wouldn’t notice? Literally six months away and we’d just be like ‘Yeah, she’s got red hair and blue eyes, I reckon that’s her’? She’s one of the main characters of this government, for f**k’s sake. “That said I’ll give this new one a chance, but it’s still jarring. What will they do for flashbacks to the two months in 2024 when this government was popular? CGI I suppose.” Angela Rayner said: “I am Angela Rayner, I have always been Angela Rayner, any memories you have to the contrary are false and should be disregarded. This also applies to any electoral promises to improve Britain you may dimly remember. “It’s only because I’m distinctive anyone’s spotted it. We’re on our fourth Wes Streeting.”

Special relationship saved for years to co- oh, it’s f**ked again

THANKS to the King’s visit, relations between the US and the UK have been restored for – no, scratch that, they are in the shitter again. The ‘special relationship’ between Britain and the United States has been permanently repaired unless President Trump has one of his regular changes of heart which has just happened and now it is ruined once more. Foreign correspondent Martin Bishop said: “Things were looking pretty precarious there. Luckily you can rely on the King to… no. Forget it. “I thought His Majesty’s charm offensive had won Trump over. However the president has just furiously attacked us on Truth Social. He must have remembered his bullshit case against the BBC or how we refused to join in the Iran disaster that’s entirely his fault. So it goes. “Pity really. That was a new dawn of Western diplomacy while it lasted. No stupid split in NATO over an obvious aggressor, Russia, and we could have had sane trade talks not based on random tariffs Trump doesn’t understand himself. “Now, none of that will happen. He’ll be back to posting deranged rants about sanctioning Marmite or nuking Kent. But for five seconds, historians will agree things looked pretty rosy.” The King said: “I did you a solid but I’m f**ked if I’m doing that again. Get David Attenborough or Stephen Fry to talk some sense into him, I’m out.”

Hegseth swears oath to Odin the All-Father

Man doesn’t believe in pollen

A MAN has explained to colleagues who claim to be suffering with hay fever that pollen is all in the mind.  Financial manager Tom Logan believes those in his office who are sneezing, blowing their noses or have conspicuously sore eyes are suffering from a psychosomatic condition, and pities them. He said: “Where is this ‘pollen’, then? Am I breathing it in now? Then how come I’m fine? “I’m supposed to believe the whole world’s drowning in invisible tree spunk, but apparently I’m immune? Wow, getting big I Am Legend vibes over here, because that’s made-up bollocks too. “I don’t know why you’re crying Anna, maybe a bad relationship? What I do know is blaming it on the bushes is only kicking your problems further down the road. Face up to it. “Plants and flowers reproduce because of bees. Einstein said that and he was a genius. Sneezing in the office is unhygienic. I’m not seeing a bed of perennials in here, so give it a f**king rest.” Logan is expected to entirely reverse his position after the garage informs him his Mercedes E-Class needs a new pollen filter, proving that it is science after all.

Religious scholar Russell Brand can’t find the Bible passages that he read in court, and Piers Morgan just leaves him hanging for an excruciating minute of dead air

We’re not saying that Russell Brand‘s late-in-the-day conversion to born again Christianity isn’t sincere – Heaven forfend! – but he sure did seem to struggle to find his favourite Bible passage when asked live on air by Piers Morgan. Brand, as you’ll be aware, is awaiting trial over allegations of rape and sexual assault, which […] The Poke.

Donald Trump has been explaining how maths works in his world and it’s 600% nuts

Math is objective. There is a right answer and a wrong answer. The right answer can be proven with a step-by-step outline of equations. So when Donald Trump gathered some sycophants to stand behind him while he broke down his latest drug price reductions, it stood to reason that he’d be able to explain his […] The Poke.

It appears that Donald Trump scheduled a press conference during his afternoon nap time again – 15 responses worth waking up for

Look, it makes sense. Work meetings suck. They’re boring, they’re pointless, they almost always can just be an e-mail. That being said, when work is “running America” and America is currently at war with at least two other countries, everyone there should probably be counted on to stay awake for the duration of said meeting. […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked when his war on Iran will be over and his answer was a glorious self-own for the history books

Donald Trump’s war with Iran has gone through more phases than a moody teenager trying to figure out what kind of music they like. Emo. Grunge. Hip-hop. Metal. It’s something new every week. And it rarely sticks. Same for the President. Who can’t seem to make up his mind about what exactly is happening in […] The Poke.

Donald Trump says he draws bigger crowds than Martin Luther King, Jr. and nobody in the room corrected him – but these 17 replies did

I have a dream. And in that dream, Donald Trump shuts the hell up for just one second so I can catch my breath. But until then, the big orange man keeps talking and what comes out is some of the most outrageous nonsense ever shared in front of a microphone. The President’s latest demented […] The Poke.