The Onion
Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command
NEW YORK—Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. “Watch, I’ll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences,” said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her Broadway show to a halt as she beckoned everyone to come and observe. “Pretty impressive, huh? I’ve had this skill on my resume since I was a kid. Apparently it’s hard to do, but some people are just gifted. Another trick is to think of something really sad, like his mom dying, and then tell him about it in gruesome detail.” At press time, sources reported the small crowd had broken out in applause after Michele’s co-star’s sobs spiraled into a full mental breakdown.
The Onion.
Man Souring On ISIS After Reading ‘Controversies’ Section Of Militant Group’s Wikipedia
SAN JOSE, CA—Grimacing as he delved deeper into the article, local man Carter Lee reportedly found himself souring on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on Monday after reading the “Controversies” section of the militant group’s Wikipedia page. “Holy shit—ISIS does what to unbelievers?” said Lee, recoiling in horror as he viewed a blurred-out image of a jihadist holding a severed head. “Oh my God, blowing up the Temple of Baalshamin was super lame. Shit, do these guys really sell children into sex slavery? I thought this group was just about friends and good times! It’s wild how many people walk around in ISIS merch without considering the more problematic aspects. All right, it’s settled: I’m canceling my monthly recurring donation.” Sources confirmed Lee sought to console himself with the knowledge that even if he could no longer in good conscience support ISIS, he would always have al-Qaeda.
The Onion.
McDonald’s Warns Corporate Employees To Beware Emails From Sender Purporting To Be Grimace
CHICAGO—Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald’s officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace. “Grimace will never ask you for your credit card number, social security card, or blood type, so please do not follow any dubious links no matter what the sender does to convince you he is the giant personified taste bud representing our company,” read an all-staff email to corporate managers that cautioned employees against converting all the money in their bank accounts into ‘GrimaceCoin,’ which it stressed was a phishing scam and not really a new McDonald’s currency. “It is also important not to share company secrets with anyone who claims to be Grimace or his green-furred Irish counterpart Uncle O’Grimacey. In addition, please refrain from disclosing any personal passwords or other information to senders with ‘Hamburglar’ or ‘Mayor McCheese’ in their email address.” The all-staff message concluded by stating that McDonald’s managers who had business to conduct with Grimace could do it in person once he returned from vacationing with his family in Montauk.
The Onion.
The Obama Presidential Center By The Numbers
After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago’s Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction.
300
‘Hidden Michelles’ for eagle-eyed visitors to find
7
Lightly salted almonds served as sole snack at center’s café
15%
Ticket discount for former presidents
293 million
Guns on display that Obama took from American citizens
195
Child weight limit in pounds to enter Fruit and Vegetable Garden
18
Months until Trump adds his name
9.5 million
Hairs on taxidermied body of Bo Obama
5
False burial chambers underneath the complex to thwart thieves
65 million
Years since Obama walked the earth
8
Loose kakapo parrots that must surely have an explanation
5
Captive Romney boys in terrarium
48″
Minimum height for guests to ride the ‘Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act’ roller coaster.
1
Lucky child who will inherit the museum if he survives the tour
3
Toilets, which, in hindsight, not enough
The Onion.
PGA Announces All Caddies Must Be Leashed
The Onion.
ClickHole
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
An Ouroboros Of Failure: Every Man In This Friend Group Has Been Used By Every Other Man In This Friend Group As An Example Of A Guy You ‘Don’t Want To End Up Like’
The ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a snake devouring its own tail, has been used by many cultures to represent the eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth. One modern illustration of such a cycle? Every man in this friend group has been used by every other man in this friend group as an example of a guy you “don’t want to end up like.”
Ah yes. As the ouroboros perpetually eats its own tail to feed itself, so does this balding, pudgy, unaccomplished best friend group.
This ouroboros of shame started way back when these men first met in high school in the ‘90s. Ron, Kevin, Doug, Cris, Alan, Grady, and Samir were all interchangeably used as examples of “someone who actually has a problem” when it came to their binge drinking, and this helped make the remaining members of the group–who by all accounts were equally as drunk–not feel as bad about their own drinking.
This cycle continued as the men entered their twenties. Ron’s job at PetSmart, Kevin’s job at Wal-Mart, Doug’s job as a parking garage attendant, Cris’ job as a telemarketer, Alan’s job working for his dad’s swimming pool cleaning company, Grady’s job at Guitar Center, and Samir’s unemployment were all used by various members of the friend group as examples of “the worst job you could possibly have.”
Now in their 40s, the group continues to cyclically devour its own body to nourish itself. Countless aspects of every one of the men’s unremarkable, underperforming lives–be it their fitness levels, mental/physical health, drug habits, family issues, finances, living situations, physical appearances, hygiene, or decision making skills—are brought up regularly as illustrations of how much worse things could be for the rest of them. In the past three years alone, five of the seven men have used some variation of the statement, “My divorce was messy, but not as messy as [name]’s was,” while four of the men’s names have been brought up in the context of, “You know who has a gross bathroom?” by other men in the group who have similarly gross bathrooms.
And as the shame is brought by the ouroboros it shall also be cleansed by the same.
Who knows where these men’s combined self-worth would be without six other equally degenerate, subpar men to act as the tail end of the ouroboros for them to feed on. The cycle of destruction and rebirth that has defined humanity for ages is on full display right here, in this unremarkable middle-aged male friend group in Akron, Ohio.
Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles
Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.
Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.
During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.
After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.
Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.
Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.
‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench
The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.
What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line!
Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction.
But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.
Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!
How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!
It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!
Duffel Blog
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems
ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
‘She dedicates her life to us’ vs ‘He barbecues sometimes’: Mother’s Day tributes and Father’s Day tributes compared
EVERY year, mothers receive lavish gifts and cards packed with heartfelt sentiment from their children. Dads might also get something. These are the key differences:
Sacrifice
She gave her all for us. And Dad was also there. Well, present. While mum made packed lunches at 11pm, he supervised from the sofa. While she attended plays and sports day, he waited in the car. There’s a reason Mother’s Day tributes sound like citations for a humanitarian award while Father’s Day cards feature a man asleep under a newspaper.
Childhood memories
Mum remembers every childhood obsession. Your Dad remembers you dropping that ice cream in Cornwall in 2009 and is still bitter about the £3.65 lost. It was the central point in his speech at your wedding. He still doesn’t know your GCSE results. On the other hand, he can’t provide a full record of your lifelong weight fluctuations at zero notice.
Personality traits
‘No one loves Dire Straits like the old man’, you post, largely because it’s the only time you’ve ever seen him display emotion. His signed vinyl of Brothers In Arms is on the wall, while your graduation photo is in a drawer under the warranty for a hedge trimmer. Mums are supportive. Dads, whether it’s fishing, Rommel or barbecues, have A Thing.
Emotional tributes vs anecdotes
Mothers get ‘Thank you for your unconditional love’ or ‘You shaped the person I am today’. Dads get ‘Remember when you found your glasses in the freezer?’ or ‘And when you fell through the shed roof?’ One day celebrates profound emotional bonds. The other is essentially a recounting of missed opportunities to win £250 from You’ve Been Framed.
Strength
No Mother’s Day is complete without everyone declaring their Mum the strongest human ever to walk the earth. She worked three jobs, raised four children and never complained. Dad? Well, he once fixed your wi-fi and drove you to Cubs. A king amongst men.
We ask you: What surgical item has the NHS left inside your body?
THE NHS loves nothing more than to send you home with a little souvenir of your time with them lodged inside your body. What are you setting off metal detectors with?
Norman Steele, librarian: “A scalpel in my sternum. But to be fair they did give me a big ‘scalpel inside’ sticker to wear so I’m fine with it.”
Tony Logan, bus driver: “I’ve got an entire MRI scanner up there. ‘MRI Tony’ they call me at the pub. Sometimes for a laugh I use its missile effect to fire darts through the wall and into the landlord’s Vectra.”
Helen Archer, GP: “An entire hospital. Or at least in 2023 when I asked Boris Johnson where his promised new specialist care unit for our area was he said ‘up your fanny, you whore’.”
Nathan Muir, powerwash specialist: “Yeah, I’m furious, they left this oversized Bell’s Whiskey bottle lodged in my arse. That’s why I’m here at midnight in A&E demanding it be removed.”
Stephen Malley, personal trainer: “Nothing. F**king hell, are other people coming out with free stuff? Bastards.”
Never mind, you can put up some more f**king flags
Generous Burnham offers Starmer choice of deaths
USA yet to experience when Scotland lose
AMERICANS charmed by the loveable drunken antics of Scottish football fans have yet to encounter them after they lose a game.
Social media has been flooded with footage of jovial, smiling Americans dancing in fountains with Scots and putting traffic cones on statues, oblivious to the sudden mood change expected to come over the Caledonian contingent when Morocco win later.
Bostonian Bill McKay said: “I’m one-36th Scottish on my mother’s side, so I was real happy when 47 guys in kilts arrived at the two-bedroom AirBNB next door to us.
“They seem like great dudes. Just cheerful, friendly types who begin every day by cracking a beer but who never turn dark, angry or violent. They’ve charmed every cop in the city! I can’t see any reason why that would change.”
Bill McKay of Glasgow said: “Aye, we’ve loved it over here in Boston. Such wonderful hospitality and foods of many different colours, served by people with no ancestral grudge against us. But we’ve also been stockpiling bricks.
“So I apologise in advance to the bars we’ve been drinking dry for the destruction we’ll wreak on them when Morocco win, due to a penalty conceded in extra time by a defender collapsing on a striker in the box due to heat exhaustion.
“Our vengeance will be terrible, indiscriminate and ultimately self-defeating. The Saltaire will forever after be banned in Boston and the skirl of the pipes heard in fear. Sorry lads.”
The Poke
Donald Trump claimed Giorgia Meloni ‘begged’ him for a selfie and the Italian PM’s blistering response had the entire internet cheering
An unlikely postscript to the G7 conference. No, not Donald Trump’s ‘peace plan’ with Iran falling apart at the seams – that was entirely predictable – but a weird claim by the Trump that Italian PM Giorgia Meloni had ‘begged’ him for a picture with him. Here’s what Trump reportedly told an American broadcaster: ‘She […]
The Poke.
‘What’s a minor modern upgrade that you actually find incredibly inconvenient?’ – 22 things that did not need to be fiddled with
The digital revolution has been a mixed bag. On the one hand, the option to work from home is great, but on the other, the internet has facilitated such an explosion of misinformation that the days of sharing nonsense and gossip round the water cooler seem truly enlightened. They’ve been chatting about the quibbly little […]
The Poke.
Never forget the time an anti-woke Twitter troll got brutally owned by ‘Lake Superior’
In 2022, as the fallout from the US Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade and taking abortion rights back 50 years unfolded, a funny tribute account to Lake Superior posted something a bit more serious than usual. This lake vehemently stands with women having the right to choose. — Lake Superior (@LakeSuperior) June 24, 2022 […]
The Poke.
Scottish football fans have imported the ‘traffic cones on statues’ tradition to America and it’s pure belter
It’s fair to say that the Scottish football fans currently attending the World Cup in the USA are having a ball. The song ‘No Scotland, No Party’ has never been more appropriate as they drink the Boston bars dry whilst also endearing themselves to their hosts. They’ve also taken a fine Scottish tradition along with […]
The Poke.
Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
If you’ve dashed in here to get away from Makerfield by-election news, good choice. If you want to avoid US politics – not quite as good. There’s a lot of other stuff here, though – puns, funny pics, observational comedy – so we’re sure everyone will find something they like. Let’s dive in. 1. My […]
The Poke.
