New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for millions of Americans. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new SNAP restrictions.

Q: Why were new work requirements put in place?

A: Barb Klimath of La Crosse, WI, saw someone pay for a coke with EBT and absolutely freaked out.

Q: What if I have children?

A: Thanks to your forthcoming reduction in SNAP benefits, you won’t have to worry about that for much longer.

Q: What will meeting the 80 hours per month minimum work requirement entitle recipients to?

A: They will be granted access to wet food on top of their kibble.

Q: What sort of training will SNAP beneficiaries need to complete?

A: A mandated 45-minute course designed to teach them what a scum-sucking parasite they are for relying on government funds.

Q: Have there been any changes to the types of food that can be purchased through SNAP?

A: The definition of “hot foods” has been expanded to include any food that tastes good.

The post What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA—Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published a study Monday revealing that mourning loved ones is a huge waste of time. “Contrary to past assumptions, our work suggests grieving a lost family member or friend is really just throwing away precious time on someone who is dead and isn’t even around to know that you’re sad,” said lead researcher Liam Cassidy, who stressed that common grief responses such as expressing collective sorrow, gathering for a wake, or simply weeping were activities on par in significance with scrolling through social media or watching a late-night infomercial. “Put simply, there is nothing of value added to one’s life by trying to process the death of a parent, sibling, or child, whether by looking through a box of their old things or producing art to commemorate their life. You should certainly never ask yourself ‘Where did they go?’ or ‘How can they be gone forever?’ in the moments after their death. What we’d recommend, instead, is simply forgetting they ever existed and going on to more worthwhile pursuits, such as building muscle at the gym or rebalancing your stock portfolio.” The study also concluded that the average person could save thousands of hours over their lifetime by simply never having loved ones in the first place.

The post Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER—Saying strange formatting and grammatical mistakes were a dead giveaway that such messages weren’t to be trusted, local IT specialist Mark Tapley warned employees this week not to trust emails he sends after a few drinks. “Personal security is my priority here, so I’d advise everyone in the office to disregard any emails they receive from me while I’m in a state of intoxication,” said Tapley, emphasizing the need to check all such dispatches to ensure they were not sent from his personal account after 6 p.m. on a Friday and did not contain suspicious links to songs he thinks they would like. “Please keep in mind that no one should ever be reaching out to staff members over email or text to tell them that they seem cool and it’d be great to hang out outside of work sometime. Most of all, do not under any circumstances send personal information back to me after I’ve had a few beers. In the event you do receive such a message from my account, make sure to hold off on reporting it to me until I’ve fully sobered up on the subsequent Monday.” At press time, Tapley had sent out a follow-up warning to the company urging colleagues not to open a questionable email from him with the subject line “URGENT: I Am Requesting Access To Your Nudes.”

The post IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks appeared first on The Onion.

Why risk losing a costly stationary house when this Class C motor home can also transport you away from floods and fires.

Reference #023478

The post It Wasn’t Called ‘The 2008 RV Market Crash,’ Was It? appeared first on The Onion.

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem’s exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump’s immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?

“Never send a dog-killer to do a people-killer’s job.”

Henry Beisert, Seed Packager

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“A good sadist is never unemployed for long.”

Luke Norman, Systems Analyst

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“Man, you can do everything wrong, and Trump still might fire you.”

Kathy Hobbs, Feud Mediator

The post Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO, IL — Political commentator and columnist for The New York Times David French praised Satan on Monday, calling the great red dragon the most Christian person in history.

TEHRAN — As the conflict in the Middle East stretched into a second week, the Iranian government issued a public statement boasting that it had destroyed hundreds of U.S. missiles with its buildings.

CHICAGO, IL — According to early reviews, the new Obama Presidential Center boasts an exciting interactive exhibit for all ages where guests can make their own birth certificate.

NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani has strongly condemned New Yorkers for making Muslims throw improvised explosive devices at them.

HOUSTON, TX — Out of a job after his primary defeat, Dan Crenshaw has officially joined up with the crew of the infamous "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."

When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens. 

How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0. 

According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place. 

According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ. 

Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point. 

While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!

If you were hoping to read some uplifting news today, get ready to smile, because one of Hollywood’s biggest icons has shared an absolutely heartwarming update about their personal life: Whoopi Goldberg just announced that she has received a brand new email.

Congratulations, Whoopi!!! How incredibly exciting that must be for her!

In a video posted to her official Instagram page earlier today, Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she woke up to discover her Gmail inbox had a very exciting notification waiting to be discovered: a completely new, unread email, just for her. The famed EGOT winner and The View host expressed how she felt overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to have a new email to read, and that it’s been one of the greatest blessings she’s experienced in life. Not wanting to take the email for granted, Whoopi said that she plans to open it when the time feels right, explaining that “most people wait a lifetime for something as wonderful as a new email, so I want to appreciate every moment of this experience.”

“Receiving a new email seems like something that only happens in the movies—but it’s not the movies, it’s my life, and by the grace of God, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a new email happen to me,” Goldberg continued in the video, wiping away tears of joy as she held up an iPad displaying her Gmail inbox for viewers to see her new email. “Whatever the email says doesn’t matter. I may decide to share that information with you. I may not. Merely receiving it has already changed my life. It’s like I was seeing the world in black-and-white my whole life, and getting this new email finally let me see the world in color for the very first time. For now, all I’ll say is that the email was sent by someone named HelloFresh.” 

“If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that you never know when your Gmail inbox might surprise you with a small miracle such as an email. It happened to me, and it could happen to you too. Never give up hope. In life, when the going gets tough, remember that there are so many reasons to stay optimistic, like email.”

We’re literally ugly crying right now. We couldn’t be happier for Whoopi! Make sure to hop on social media and congratulate Whoopi on her new email today, because, well, this is simply as amazing as it gets. If anyone deserves something as exciting as a new email, it’s Whoopi Goldberg! You go, Whoopi!!!

This is such a huge win for indecisive people. If you haven’t decided whether you want a receipt for gas or not, this gas pump will let you select ‘maybe’ to reflect your uncertainty. We hope this option comes to gas pumps everywhere sometime soon!

Well folks, as if you needed another thing to worry about, here is something very concerning: This bottle of pills in an Asian grocery store just has the word “DIARRHEA” in the Matrix font above a picture of Keanu Reeves in sunglasses. 

Yikes. Who exactly is buying these pills, and…why?

Even a close examination of this highly questionable product found on the shelves of Asia Mart in Cincinnati, Ohio reveals very little useful information about what horrific purpose these pills could be meant for. The poorly printed graphics and low-quality label only make the product seem sketchier, and outside of the word “DIARRHEA” on the front, the only other English on the entire bottle are the words, “The time has came,” on the back next to a picture of the Predator. While there are some additional Asian characters below the English text, five different online translators were unable to recognize what language this could be. And at $16 for 4 giant pills, this definitely isn’t just some run-of-the-mill herbal diarrhea cure. Its packaging seems to imply some sort of diarrhea journey, perhaps one that makes the user feel as if they’ve been sucked into an adventure in a strange, computer-generated alternate reality.

Um yeah, we don’t want to narc on anyone, but we might be calling the health department here. 

Look, people are free to experiment with whatever substances they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, but this…this is definitely hurting someone. We feel like we need to buy all of this stuff just to make sure no one else takes it—but who knows if we might be tempted by Keanu’s outstretched hand promising whatever mind-melting diarrhea experience these might offer. There may be no way to keep the world safe from whatever it is these pills do.

A potentially tragic story is currently unfolding that could have a seismic impact on American pop culture if it turns out to be what we think it is: This crime report keeps referring to a victim as John “The Rock” Doe.

While we can’t jump to any conclusions just yet, we’re praying this isn’t what it sounds like.

According to a crime report released this morning by the Los Angeles police department, a hit-and-run victim was admitted to a morgue in Hollywood last night who could only be identified as “a bald, muscular 53-year-old male, 6 feet five inches tall and weighing 260 pounds.” The report says that the deceased victim showed signs of having starred in the films The Tooth Fairy, Black Adam, and The Smashing Machine, but that no further information on his identity was available at this time, and that they were treating him as a John “The Rock” Doe pending further investigation.

Yikes. When you start piecing everything together, you start getting a pretty dire picture of what’s going on here.

“While the victim is currently being referred to as John ‘The Rock’ Doe until we can confirm his identity, officials have advised that the victim would prefer to be referred to simply as John Doe for now so that the public can more easily separate his current acting career from his former career as a professional wrestler,” LAPD Detective Brandon Longshire said in a press conference this morning. “At this time, we’re asking anyone who knows an individual who might have appeared in several films from the Fast And Furious franchise who have gone missing in the last 24 hours to please come forward to smell what this anonymous victim is cooking and hopefully make a positive ID sooner rather than later.”

Absolutely hypothetically devastating. While there’s clearly still a lot that the police don’t know and there are many details yet to be confirmed, we’re not going to sit here and pretend that this situation doesn’t sound pretty bleak. The more we about this John “The Rock” Doe, the more it sounds like the entertainment world is in for some very sad news. Here’s hoping we’re wrong and that this dead body is just some anonymous huge bald guy that nobody cares about!

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.

"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."

Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.

"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."

Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”

“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”

Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” 

Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. 

“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”

Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. 

“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. 

The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. 

Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”

After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.

WASHINGTON — Following the commencement of renewed U.S. military operations in the Middle East, defense experts lamented that the Pacific was once again not pivoted to.

"It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said Chinese Minister of National Defense Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all."

America’s rivals in the Pacific have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a cyber attack or two, the Pacific has consistently played second fiddle to the hotter, more exotic Middle East. 

"I flash my nuclear weapons on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread."

For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. INDOPACOM analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the Persian Gulf.

"We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in Hawaii," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me."

Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus.

"She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take a 10-year quagmire and a trillion dollars or so."

TEHRAN — A typo in an early version of a U.S. Central Command operation order has reportedly resulted in what defense officials are calling "the most confusing yet epic psyop of all time."

The scope of the error was not fully understood until early Saturday morning, when Israel and the U.S. began "major military operations" inside Iran under an operation dubbed "Epic Fury." But the operation had been mistakenly labeled Operation Epic Furry on a first-draft document circulated through the Defense Department's secure email system.

Spc. Seth "Klingon" Powers, a psychological operations specialist in the CENTCOM headquarters' psychological operations cell, reportedly saw the title and, without reading the document's text, assumed it was a social media influence campaign.

"As a native Portlander and former Army IT guy, Powers saw 'Epic Furry' and got fully onboard. He thought we were testing cultural destabilization inside the theocracy amid the ongoing protests," a CENTCOM public affairs officer said.

Multiple planned strike locations across Tehran were subsequently shared as party locations through Eventbrite, Partiful and Facebook as "underground furry rave gatherings." The listings were accompanied by neon wolf emojis and captions encouraging attendees to "bring paws, not politics." The hashtag #EpicFurryTehran began trending globally within hours.

Confused local residents who were reportedly bi-curious gathered at several sites wearing improvised animal costumes. Videos circulating online showed dancing crowds illuminated by strobe lights and occasional explosions in the distance. One X user, who declared it "the most epic furry party of all time," said the explosions had been initially confused for an elaborate pyrotechnic show.

The advertisements for the party were so prolific that even Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth saw them.

"I'll be honest," Hegseth said at a press briefing. "I first saw the hashtag while doom-scrolling late at night on the toilet — extreme stress has left me less than optimized for a bowel movement amid all the interdepartmental fighting." He paused. "I saw the energy. I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit. It's a tactical wolf. Very lethal. Very American."

Hegseth said he did not realize something was amiss until he received a message that Epic Fury was go for launch just before boarding his flight.

"I asked if everyone else was on their way to Tehran," he said. "Then the JSOC commander told me to call him on a secure line, and the other commanders started writing, 'Sir, this shit is kinetic,' 'Get off that plane right meow,' and 'Do not go to Tehran!' That's when I finally understood."

KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.

The prime minister admitted he had been ‘a naughty, wilful boy’ in not allowing the US to use British bases and he is prepared ‘to be punished, sir’ to restore relations between the two countries.

Starmer continued: “I’m sure a big, powerful man like yourself can think of something to do with me. And I think you’ll find I’m very morally flexible and extremely accommodating.

“Do you want access to some more of my tight little RAF bases? I think there’s room for you to squeeze in a few more of your big, throbbing bombers. Say it’s for our protection and watch my principles just melt away.

“Or perhaps I could clumsily trip over and ban the media from mentioning you in relation to the Epstein files? Picture it. Me, helpless, thigh exposed, tapping a huge black redaction marker against my lips. Hot, isn’t it?

“You could ravage the NHS. We could double-team China. I could act out that little ‘invasion of Europe’ fantasy you’ve been dropping hints about. Take me, Donny, take me.”

Nigel Farage said: “Oh, he’ll use you. Then he’ll discard you.”

IRAN has appointed Mojtaba Khamenei as their new Supreme Leader, but who is he and can you get to the end of this article explaining it before it becomes irrelevant? 

The son of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who you only learned wasn’t the one who issued the Salman Rushdie fatwah when he died last week, Mojtaba Khamenei has largely kept a low profile which is handy for the reader trying to learn all about him against a deadline.

He fought against Iraq when they were the good guys and Iran were the bad guys, useful you’ve haven’t got time to think about that too much, and studied religion which will hopefully prove a comfort to him in these, his final days.

Controversy about whether Iran’s leader should be chosen for his religious standing rather than hereditary succession is expected to die down shortly along with its subject.

Accused of interfering in elections, which unlike his US counterpart Trump isn’t expected to be an issue long-term, Mojtaba is expected to be named Ayatollah in short order and to join his father as a martyr shortly after that.

He has never given any public speeches or interviews, a policy which observers do not expect to change in the limited time available, so 90 per cent of this article will remain unchanged in his obituary.

His leadership record is and will remain largely untested, and his hope of finding who is leaking his location to Israel intelligence is expected to end mid-sentence.

THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked: 

Iggy Pop

Aged 78, Iggy still eschews the shirt for his shows, though usually now wears the trousers he considered a mere option in his wild 70s days. As leathery as a velociraptor, as lithe as knotted rope, at least he no longer feels the urge to bleed for his audience, who are all men decades younger and far grosser naked than he is.

Blink-182

Even did it on video for What’s My Age Again, which is a bold move for a band who also have a single called All the Small Things. Very much the cuddly nude punks streaking across your lawn who you know have solid grades and kind parents. Still perform; no longer perform naked because their balls now hang too low.

GG Allin 

Whose nude body was hands down the least offensive thing about his shows. Also prone to self-mutilation and evacuating his bowels on stage, GG’s huge, swinging bell-end was light relief after watching him bash himself in the head repeatedly with the microphone. The rare performer for whom nudity is only the start.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Got into the habit of playing encores with only socks on their cocks and while that may not technically be full nudity, it’s not as if a great deal is concealed. And Flea was totally nude during Woodstock II while it burned down in the background, like a modern Nero with a Modulus Funk Unlimited bass.

Green Day

Billie Joe Armstrong, keeping the true pointless-rebellion-achieving-nothing spirit of punk alive, came out nude to perform She and was then arrested at the side of the stage. Because by this stage punk was for 10-year-olds who like the rude words.

Rage Against The Machine

‘Is there anything we can’t make boringly political, guys?’ ‘What about good, honest nudity?’ ‘I’ll take that bet,’ said Zack Morello, who studied political science at Harvard, and the band opened Lollapalooza all naked with tape over their mouths in a protest about censorship. Then played no music on the grounds the crowd had had their money’s worth.

Janet Jackson 

Not in any way naked, but f**k did America freak out at the sighting of a nipple during the Superbowl in 2004 back when Republicans pretended to have moral standards. Ruined her career, obviously, but that’s what you get for being a woman and showing off a naughty bit.

A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.

Norman Steele has lived in minuscule Leicestershire village Chiggenham-on-Webbing for five decades and never misses an opportunity to snidely tell outsiders they are saying it all wrong and imply this invalidates them as people.

Norman explained: “I was on the bus when I saw a bloke get on. I could tell from his accent that he wasn’t from round here.”

“Sure enough, he actually asked the driver if this was the bus to, get this, ‘Chi-gen-ham-on-Web-bing’. I couldn’t believe my f**king ears. How is such an illiterate halfwit allowed to live?

“The driver didn’t say anything, presumably silenced by the sheer enormity of his contempt for this twat, so as always it fell to Muggins here to correct him.

“So, I leant over the back of his seat and said ‘It’s actually pronounced Chug-ham-on-wee-bun’, letting my tone of voice say that if he tries that ‘Chi-gen-ham’ shite round these parts he’s not going to get far.

“He thanked me, but then I heard he got it wrong at the pub later like an absolute prize dickhead. You try to educate these cretins but you’re wasting your f**king time. Piss off back to the big city, by which I mean Loughborough.”

Asked if he would ever give up his mission to help others, Norman said: “Absolutely not. It’s my responsibility as a resident of Chiggenham-on-Webbing to be a superior arsehole.”

United States Senate Budget Committee Chairman, Lindsey Graham, has a case for being Maga’s #1 fan. He’s only ratcheted up his support for the movement since Donald Trump slithered his way back into the White House. But nothing can get Graham to budge from his top priority. Here is the South Carolina Senator preaching the […]

The post Maga mascot-in-chief Lindsey Graham didn’t just say the quiet part about the war on Iran out loud – he bellowed it – and it’s a frankly terrifying rant appeared first on The Poke.

To the world now of one-time Late Review pundit turned Daily Telegraph columnist Allison Pearson, who’s got the hump with Keir Starmer for not slavishly following Donald Trump’s lead in the presidential war on Iran. Pearson says Starmer has single-handedly put the special relationship to the sword, and used as her example the Falkland Islands […]

The post Allison Pearson said Keir Starmer had left the UK ‘billy no mates’ if Argentina invaded the Falklands again and was schooled around the globe and back appeared first on The Poke.

As the war in Iran continues to trudge into its third week, Karoline Leavitt left the White House press room to engage in a more friendly conversation about the conflict on Fox News. And yet when she was lobbed this softball question from Fox News host, Maria Bartiromo, she completely bungled her opportunity to put […]

The post Fox News asked Karoline Leavitt if the White House would institute a draft for the Iran war and her answer should terrify every parent in the country appeared first on The Poke.

It’s well known that Donald Trump has a thing for stupid handshakes, yanking away on his opposite number’s hand as if he suspected them of incorporating the false arm Rod Hull once wrapped around Emu (one for younger readers there). It was more a feature of his first than second term in the White House, […]

The post Donald Trump tried his stupid handshake thing on the president of Paraguay and it backfired to supremely satisfying effect appeared first on The Poke.

The US continues to attack Iran, resulting in disturbing scenes of literal fire and brimstone. Imagine watching these horrors and genuinely believing the US is there to help the Iranian people https://t.co/r2g289pFMa — mason (@onehandpolitics) March 8, 2026 The man who set this all into motion must be torn up inside. Let’s see how the […]

The post Donald Trump went golfing with his billionaire buddies while Iran burns and these each of these 15 responses totally aced it appeared first on The Poke.