1
The post Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna appeared first on The Onion.
The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers.
0.8
New pH of your groundwater
$900,000,000
What 16GB of RAM will cost next year
4,000
Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers
1
Security guard job that Mom thinks might help you get back on your feet
3-2
City council vote that could have stopped this
600 billion
Goddamn wires to untangle
7
People profiting from this
The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think?
“The law is clear—it’s no fair if they weren’t looking.”
Eddie Olivo, Asparagus Buncher
“I hope they also investigate the three-sphered man smoking a pipe in my yard.”
Jolene Etzler, Skirt Hemmer
“That’s two mothers who had to explain to their kids that daddy won’t be coming home dry tonight.”
Ramesh Thakuri, Horn Cleaner
The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion.
The human subconscious is such an interesting thing. No matter how much you think you’ve got it figured out, it’ll always spit out the most random stuff. Take me, for example. After coming home from a long day at the world’s most groundbreaking artificial intelligence organization, I’ll go to bed and have the weirdest dreams where people from the future are sobbing and begging me to change course.
Anyone else ever have these?
It’s funny. Some people have dreams where their teeth fall out; others where they show up to high school tests naked. But the second my head hits the pillow, I’m suddenly in a cold gray smoky void where all I can make out are broken, haunted swarms of people pleading with me to “end this now while there’s still time.” Really peculiar, right? I wish there was some way to find other people who have had them. But when I search “endless crowds of weeping silhouettes telling you this is a terrible mistake” dreams on Reddit, it turns up nada.
It’s tough, because I don’t have much time during the day to think about them. I asked my spouse, Oliver, if he’s ever had the old “people screaming for help from the devastated wreckage of a future world” dream, and he said he didn’t know what that was. I even joked about it while I was out grabbing morning coffees with some venture capitalist buddies. I said, “Sorry if I’m a little off the ball today, guys—I had another one of those dreams where you’re on a scorched, desolate landscape desperately pushing past men who grab you by the lapel, shake you, and cry out, ‘Please understand: This isn’t a dream. It’s a warning.’”
They just looked at me like I was crazy, though.
You’d think I might have some of the other common dreams, like falling off a cliff or trying to run while you’re frozen in place. But it’s always the “tormented throngs of people from the year 2042” one. So odd! I’d be interested to see the statistical breakdown on how often people have this specific dream versus the others. I even asked ChatGPT 5.0 about it, and it suggested I might be watching too many scary movies. I don’t think that’s it, though, because I don’t have time to watch many movies at all!
Sometimes these people wheeze things to me in a raspy voice about how they’re so thirsty and there’s nothing but desert stretching on forever. Sometimes they just mill around, stare at their feet, and mutter about how the only thing that gave them purpose has been torn away. But most of the time, they’re just wailing inconsolably about “all that’s been lost.” Huh!
People probably have all sorts of variations of this dream. But if yours is anything like mine, here’s what happens! Usually, you wake up on a lifeless beach that’s adorned with some sort of abandoned marble temple. It’s supposed to be beautiful, but instead it’s really sad. Almost unbearably sad. So much so that you want to get away from it. So you crawl downward into these vents going below the horrible temple, and suddenly it’s like you’re moving through the innards of an incomprehensible machine that’s thudding away, thud, thud, thud. And as you get deeper, the metal sidings are carved with scrawled ominous curses and slurs directed toward you, and you hear the voices, louder than before, and you somehow know these people are in pain because of you. It keeps getting colder. Color drains from the world. And you see the crowd through the slats of the vents: pale and emaciated men, women, and children from centuries to come, all of them pressed together for warmth in some sort of unending cavern. What clothes they have are torn and ragged. Before you know it, their dirty hands and dirty fingernails lurch through the grates, and they’re reaching for you, tearing at your shirt, moaning terrible things about their suffering and how you made it happen, you made it, and you need to stop this now, now, now. And next they’re ripping you apart, limb from limb, and you are joining them in the gray dimness forever.
Then you wake up in a cold sweat and can’t breathe at all, almost like you’re drowning—I guess from the weight of untold mobs of people leaping on you and ripping you apart. It’s super weird. But your alarm is going off, it’s 5 a.m., and so you get dressed and answer some emails about preparations for the next ChatGPT model.
They all have dark empty holes where their eyes should be, too. I probably should have mentioned that.
I wonder if it’s my diet! Or maybe I shouldn’t be drinking so much Celsius in the afternoon? I guess I could stop looking at my phone before bed. All that blue light could be causing weird dreams. If that’s what it takes to get rid of the legions who scream about lost eons stretching on forever before humanity, I’d certainly give it a try.
Anyway, if anyone out there is having similar dreams, just let me know! I’d love to hear from you at Altman@OpenAI.com. I’m really just curious how many people out there have these dreams and how often you’re seeing the wandering masses who scream at you to “help us, help us, for God’s sake”? For me, it’s every time I close my eyes—whether it’s a power nap or a full night’s sleep—but for you it might be different. Most likely, all of this means nothing, though.
Oh well, back to work!
The post Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course? appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Expressing certainty that they wouldn’t make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter.
According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a terrible hunger drove all 340 million of its residents to turn to cannibalism in order to increase their odds of staying alive.
“After so many days without a proper meal, I could feel my body starting to eat away at itself,” said Amy Hanrahan of Roseau, MN, who along with the rest of the country managed to persevere amid the hostile conditions by reluctantly consuming nearly 85% of Canada’s population. “It may sound barbaric to an outsider, but the cupboard was bare. We ran through all the reserves we’d laid in for the winter, people didn’t have half a bag of pizza rolls between them, and the Dairy Queens had all closed for the season. We were facing certain death.”
“At first, we said we wouldn’t eat beyond the flannel and the denim,” she continued, “but you do what you need to do to survive.”
The nation is said to have made a few ineffectual attempts to forage locally, but with months of winter left to go and no indication that help was coming, a new plan was made. In a last-ditch effort to find sustenance, several hundred thousand intrepid Americans ventured north on an expedition across the border. Between Newfoundland and Yukon, they reportedly discovered nearly 6 billion pounds of surplus Canadians.
While some U.S. residents said they were ethically opposed to consuming their Canadian brethren, the severity of the situ-ation soon led them to accept that sacrificing their North American neighbors was their only hope of avoiding starvation.
“Either I eat the guy, or I go hungry,” said Ione, WA, man Lee Danvers, who is believed to have been the first of many millions to try a Canadian when he cut into a Winnipeg banker and swallowed a matchstick-sized piece of flesh. “Once we ran out of people to eat in Puerto Rico and Guam, we really didn’t have a choice.”
“It tasted so good,” Danvers added. “It was our only option, and it was delicious.”
Many Americans reported feeling residual guilt over the three generations of Canadians they ate their way through, while others were unapologetic, noting that Ontarians provided a lot of sustenance and the Quebecois possessed a rich, buttery flavor that was highly satisfying. Nearly all agreed the Canadians would have readily eaten most of the Midwest if the situation had been reversed.
“You should have seen the crazy look in their eyes,” said Canada’s Joseph O’Brien, who stumbled upon the “feral, blood-covered” American popul-
ace while on an early morning hike near his home in Banff, Alberta, where the landscape was crimson with the slaught-ered remains of his gorged-upon countrymen. “I was lucky to make it out alive. They had so much meat, yet they still ran after me. God, I can still hear the sound of them sucking on the bones.”
“I really don’t understand what would drive a person to do something like that,” he continued. “There are over 4,000 Tim Hortons locations in this country they could have eaten at instead.”
The post Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter appeared first on The Onion.
