The Onion
Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John’s
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s. “Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John’s customers revealed patterns of behavior utterly inconsistent with the idea of human autonomy,” said lead researcher Gina Smith, emphasizing that no person with functioning taste buds would continually subject themselves to a dry, flavorless J.J.B.L.T. or a cold, inadequate Jimmy Cubano unless their behavior was predetermined by a chain of causal events behind their control. “If people had the ability to act consciously in their own self-interest, they would never purchase, let alone consume, this food. The fact that Jimmy John’s sells over 700,000 sandwiches a day proves that we exist in a clockwork universe where every action is foreordained by the initial conditions established at the time of the Big Bang. Ultimately, free will, like the existence of alfalfa sprouts on Jimmy John’s menu, is merely an illusion.” At press time, the researchers announced that the deterministic cosmos had once again led them to purchase a 30-piece party box of Bootlegger Clubs.
The Onion.
U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. “Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass a photo verification test certifying they are over 65 years old and possess multiple gourds weighing more than 300 kilos,” said Prime Minister Keir Starmer, adding that users could alternatively provide evidence of carrots over 50 centimeters long or sunflowers over three meters tall. “The data is clear: Social media presents a clear risk to the mental health of everyone other than puffy, mild-mannered pensioners who exclusively use the platforms to share photos of their prized produce. We propose that starting in 2027, any images posted online that lack oversized tubers, leafy greens, Brussels sprouts, or some other form of veg be flagged as ‘sensitive content’ and subject to removal following review. We hope this move will safeguard the well-being of our citizens while allowing seniors a space in which to dazzle each other with stupendous aubergines and monstrous courgettes.” At press time, Parliament was reportedly considering a revised bill that would expand social media access to elderly women who make elaborate patchwork quilts.
The Onion.
Mom Takes Hushed Monologue In Movie As Cue To Go To Kitchen, Wash 5 Pots
PENSACOLA, FL—Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie’s hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the couch and disappeared from the living room, and moments later the sound of water spattering against metal could be heard throughout the house. According to reports, after a few minutes passed and she detected that the movie’s louder action had not yet resumed, Pagano proceeded to reshelve some plates to make room for a saucepan in the drying rack, scrape vigorously at a burned-cheese-encrusted baking dish, and grind a wad of carrot peelings in the garbage disposal. Sources later confirmed that Pagano, rapidly drying her fingers with a dish towel, trotted out of the kitchen at the sound of a car crash and said, “Oooh, what just happened?”
The Onion.
Thing Person Saying Seems To Call For Sad Face
The Onion.
No One At Bar Aware World Cup Game Rerun From 2018
The Onion.
ClickHole
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
An Ouroboros Of Failure: Every Man In This Friend Group Has Been Used By Every Other Man In This Friend Group As An Example Of A Guy You ‘Don’t Want To End Up Like’
The ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a snake devouring its own tail, has been used by many cultures to represent the eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth. One modern illustration of such a cycle? Every man in this friend group has been used by every other man in this friend group as an example of a guy you “don’t want to end up like.”
Ah yes. As the ouroboros perpetually eats its own tail to feed itself, so does this balding, pudgy, unaccomplished best friend group.
This ouroboros of shame started way back when these men first met in high school in the ‘90s. Ron, Kevin, Doug, Cris, Alan, Grady, and Samir were all interchangeably used as examples of “someone who actually has a problem” when it came to their binge drinking, and this helped make the remaining members of the group–who by all accounts were equally as drunk–not feel as bad about their own drinking.
This cycle continued as the men entered their twenties. Ron’s job at PetSmart, Kevin’s job at Wal-Mart, Doug’s job as a parking garage attendant, Cris’ job as a telemarketer, Alan’s job working for his dad’s swimming pool cleaning company, Grady’s job at Guitar Center, and Samir’s unemployment were all used by various members of the friend group as examples of “the worst job you could possibly have.”
Now in their 40s, the group continues to cyclically devour its own body to nourish itself. Countless aspects of every one of the men’s unremarkable, underperforming lives–be it their fitness levels, mental/physical health, drug habits, family issues, finances, living situations, physical appearances, hygiene, or decision making skills—are brought up regularly as illustrations of how much worse things could be for the rest of them. In the past three years alone, five of the seven men have used some variation of the statement, “My divorce was messy, but not as messy as [name]’s was,” while four of the men’s names have been brought up in the context of, “You know who has a gross bathroom?” by other men in the group who have similarly gross bathrooms.
And as the shame is brought by the ouroboros it shall also be cleansed by the same.
Who knows where these men’s combined self-worth would be without six other equally degenerate, subpar men to act as the tail end of the ouroboros for them to feed on. The cycle of destruction and rebirth that has defined humanity for ages is on full display right here, in this unremarkable middle-aged male friend group in Akron, Ohio.
Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles
Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.
Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.
During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.
After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.
Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.
Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.
Duffel Blog
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Daily Mash
Prime ministerial resignations, rated from worst to best
THE UK is now wearily familiar with prime ministers delivering overdue resignation speeches. We rate them from worst to best:
David Cameron, 2010-2016
Done cheerfully with a little whistle and the general demeanour of your financial advisor explaining to you that sorry, unforeseen circumstances mean you’ve lost all your money, but don’t worry it wasn’t my money. Clearly glad to be free of the responsibility and had already moved on. Expects you’ll join him in looking back and laughing one day.
Keir Starmer, 2024-2026
Not a public speaker. Went through his argument of why he should keep his job like a lawyer crushingly aware he’d already lost his case because of some irritating human element – ‘likeability, or whatever’ – he’d failed to account for. The bit at the end where his voice cracked only made Britain detest him more.
Theresa May, 2017-2019
Impact lessened because she’d developed a habit of hauling the podium out only to deliver an automated speech about how everyone was wrong to disagree with her, and this was more of the same with a resignation appended to the end. Attempt to go through list of achievements was hampered by there not being any.
Liz Truss, 2022
Enjoyable because by this point the UK was toying with her and waiting to savour the moment she realised she had f**ked it; a moment which has yet to come. Delivered the whole speech at her weird twisted podium as if she expected the Cavalry of Growth to crest a nearby hill and save her at the last minute. Still fun to watch.
Boris Johnson, 2019-2022
Grudgingly effective at the time, because he had charisma and a gift for a telling quote. Even better in retrospect because it was full of references implying that, like Cincinnatus and Churchill, he would return to power when his nation needed him. A scenario which, like Fantastic Beasts 4, has not happened due to overwhelming public demand.
Rishi Sunak, 2022-2024
Not his actual resignation speech. Did he give one? But the speech he gave on Downing Street in the rain, calling an election, soundtracked by Things Can Only Get Better, was the perfect sorry end to a woeful period in office. Almost justifies his whole premiership. See, we can ruin the lives of multi-millionaires! Voting is worth it!
Right-wing press reflects on campaign that replaced unpopular Labour prime minister with popular one
THE UK’s right-wing media is musing on their role in deposing a prime minister enjoying record unpopularity for a more popular and more left-wing one.
Newspapers wholly dedicated to putting Nigel Farage in charge of the country have forced out Keir Starmer, who was determined to cling to power despite nobody thinking he was any good, and given a widely-liked man three years to have a go.
Telegraph journalist Denys Finch Hatton said: “Hmm. Now let me just think through why this is a triumph for us.
“Labour in chaos, we can certainly say that, though with Streeting backing Burnham it all looks rather orderly. Prime minister nobody voted for? I worry 2022 is too fresh in the memory.
“Obviously the demonisation of Burnham begins now but we have lost two years of solid work. Also now Starmer’s associated with all the unpopular economic decisions he made at the start and Burnham gets to benefit from when they start bearing fruit.
“There’s no-one left to replace Kemi because Jenrick’s gone to Reform, Reform’s less popular for him being there, Restore’s splitting the nutter vote and a national debate about how shit Brexit’s been is looming. Yeah. Have we f**ked this?
“Let’s get back to basics. Put that BBC show about the rise of the Nazis on and we’ll take notes, then do it how Adolf did.”
You to be prime minister soon at this rate
THE current churn rate of prime ministers means that you will be given a go in Downing Street before too long.
With the government burning through six prime ministers in a decade, studies suggest that, as unqualified as you are, you will be called upon to move into Number 10 to have a crack at running the country by 2034 at the latest.
A government spokesperson said: “We’ll have to get through all the MPs in each party first, but given how corrupt and incompetent they are that shouldn’t take long.
“By autumn anyone with a PPE degree from Oxbridge will have tried and failed, then we’ll work our way through Eton students in descending order of age. Once the 12-year-olds have had their turn it’s down to ordinary British twats like you.
“First you’ll be appointed by the King, then it’s off to speak to the press who’ll be shouting ‘Are you going to resign, prime minister?’ as you walk to the podium. 25 minutes of appeasing backbenchers, battling scandal and losing support to Reform later, it’ll be over.
“Once every bad relationship and poor financial decision you’ve ever made has been splashed across the tabloids, you’ll resign and never be thought of again except when you join the other 35,612,435 previous prime ministers at the cenotaph.
“Don’t worry about coming up with effective policies on immigration or housing. Nobody’s been arsed with that in ages.”
Silence from nation as Starmer demands he be told exactly what he did wrong
THE prime minister is standing at his Downing Street podium waiting to be told exactly what he did to deserve to be deposed, to shuffling silence.
Rather than deliver the expected resignation speech, Keir Starmer has emerged from his home and told the country he is not going anywhere until it is explained to him why it is so urgent he be replaced by a former mayor in a black bomber jacket.
He continued: “Less than two years since I won a landslide. I’m sure you’ve got an excellent reason. I’m waiting.
“Since apparently the entire of the UK wants me to go you must have a clear set of defined reasons why that would be. Why don’t you go through them, one by one.
“Cancelling winter fuel payments? Really? An extra wedge for a wealthy segment of the population, that I anyway walked back to means-testing? Try again. Not much of a communicator? Well you’re not communicating a great deal to me right now.
“What was that? Southport, says the large gentleman at the back with a flag? A horrific event that took place less than a month into my rule that I could have done nothing to stop? Is that your best reason?
“Taxing farmers’ estates? A National Insurance rise for employers? Is that the best you’ve got? Come on, one single clear reason and I’ll go. I promise you. Out with it.”
After a lengthy pause, he said: “I can wait here all day if I have to.”
Pies for breakfast: life under Burnham’s Northern dictatorship
THE bourgeois Southern regime has fallen. In its place stands the People’s Democratic Republic of the North, under the leadership of Comrade Burnham. Here’s what to expect:
Food
At 7am, commissars from the Ministry of Gravy issue each household with a meat-and-potato pie. Vegetarians receive a lecture on getting a grip. Citizens caught consuming granola are sent to a Barnsley re-education camp. Brunch carries mandatory execution, although there are underground sourdough proofing cells.
The capital
Manchester, renamed Burnhamgrad, is the UK’s centre now. The territory that was once London is redesignated Administrative Zone Poncy South. Travel permits are required to travel south of Stoke-on-Trent. Citizens wishing to do so must provide a valid reason, such as supporting Bolton away or liquidating an Old Etonian.
The ex-people
London’s management consultancies collapse. Entire communities of ex-investment bankers are thrown into strikes and poverty, forced to survive by selling scented candles and explaining cryptocurrency on the streets. Anyone complaining will be instructed to get on their Lime bikes and look for work.
Communications
Each morning state plays the national anthem Wonderwall. As with the current anthem, no one knows the second verse. Received pronunciation means Standard Northern, taught in all schools with a strong Wigan accent. King Charles will begin all speeches with ‘right, then,’ while wearing a diamond-encrusted flat cap.
Leisure
Pint-supping is your leisure time now. Women may play bingo, or stand arms folded on doorsteps gossiping about the cleanliness of others’ net curtains. Anyone not making casual conversation at bus stops will out themselves as an enemy agent.
Politics
Supreme Leader Burnham cannot carry the dictatorship of the Northernariat by himself. Rather, other icons are displayed in homes, specifically Angela Rayner, Fred Dibnah and the cast of Last of the Summer Wine. 10 Downing Street is moved to a working men’s club near Rochdale which holds a Friday night meat raffle.
Clothing
Coats are banned. Rain is mandatory.
