Rubio Vows To Dismantle International Criminal Court

Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court “brick by brick,” claiming the tribunal could be used to override U.S. courts and the Constitution. What do you think? “Ignoring them seems to be working out fine.” Steve Parkins, Spoon Polisher “Can he bring back Night Court?” Alicia Krebs, Banner Hanger “The only foreigner who should be telling Americans how to live is Santa.” Greg Degutis, Systems Analyst The Onion.

Barack Obama Pretends To Be Canadian While Traveling Abroad

PARIS—In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President Barack Obama was reportedly pretending this week to be Canadian while traveling abroad in France. “Sorry, when I said I’m from Chicago, I meant the one in Ontario,” said the ex-commander-in-chief, adding that he had never been to the United States but had heard some “pretty crazy things” about the “stuff going on down there.” “Yeah, it sure seems like those Yanks have gone way off the deep end. I can’t believe they elected that guy either. Thankfully, in Canada we have a much more sane presi— I mean, prime minister. [Mark] Carney all the way! Personally, though, I try not to think too much about politics. I’m much more into hockey, Trailer Park Boys, and…uh…maple syrup. Also really love moose and those funny-looking policemen with the bright red uniforms and the wide brim hats. And Tim Hortons! Who doesn’t love a fresh cup of coffee from Tim Hortons?” At press time, sources confirmed Obama had given himself away by calling a Timbit a “donut hole.” The Onion.

Study Finds Gen Z Telepaths Lack Attention Span To Read Even Single Mind

BERKELEY, CA—Raising the alarm about an issue that could have long-term consequences for American youth, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study Wednesday that found the majority of Generation Z telepaths lacked the attention span to read even a single mind. “In prior generations, telepaths would spend whole afternoons scrutinizing another person’s thoughts, but these days the average young mind reader loses interest in 15 seconds or less,” said cognitive scientist Daniel Merrill, emphasizing that the advent of TikTok and other short-form Internet content had eroded the ability of people under the age of 30 to truly engage with a target’s deepest desires, fears, and insecurities. “Unfortunately, the allure of slowly uncovering someone’s most closely guarded secrets simply can’t compete with the quick dopamine rush provided by social media, which is why attention spans among telepaths have steadily declined since the late 2000s. Most barely finish a snippet of a thought before dropping their psychic holds to look at their phones. To make matters worse, many are choosing to forgo the mind-reading process entirely by having generative AI summarize the human subconscious.” The study also concluded that the crisis had reached a point where an estimated 77% of Americans aged 17 to 24 would be unfit to serve as psychic soldiers in the U.S. Extrasensory Perception Corps. The Onion.

White House Hovering, Falling 10 Feet Off Ground In Sync With Melania Snoring

The Onion.

Guy Violently Coughing On Bus Better Just Have Throat Cancer

CHICAGO—Watching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer. “So help me God, if I get bronchitis right before my vacation because this guy hacking up a lung is not, in fact, succumbing to pharyngeal cancer, I’m gonna lose my shit,” said Lawson, adding that the only reasonable excuse for the man to be unleashing wet, full-bodied coughs all over the 66 westbound bus during rush hour would be a tragic, malignant tumor that posed no threat of spreading a highly contagious virus to other passengers. “Seriously, if this guy is not deep in the throes of stage IV, I’ll be so pissed. Like, the same sleeve he keeps coughing into is brushing against the backpack of the woman in front of him as we speak. Unless he’s currently on his way to chemo, he’s straight-up turning this whole goddamn bus into a petri dish.” At press time, Lawson was reportedly relieved to see the man cough up a little blood in a way that seemed more indicative of excruciating terminal illness than something that could potentially give everyone else the sniffles. The Onion.

Trump To Secure Strait Of Hormuz By Posting Old Man Who Asks You 3 Questions Before You May Pass

DOHA — With the U.S. blockade of the important waterway back on amid renewed hostilities in Iran, President Donald Trump announced that he would secure the Strait of Hormuz by posting an old man who asks you three questions before you may pass.

Explosive Diarrhea Epidemic Traced To Gain-Of-Function Lab At Taco Bell Institute

IRVINE, CA — Though initial reports indicated that the recent cyclosporiasis outbreak had happened naturally through people consuming produce contaminated with parasites, officials announced on Wednesday that the explosive diarrhea epidemic had been traced to a gain-of-function lab at the Taco Bell Institute.

Chuck E. Cheese Band Rocked By Lip-Sync Scandal

IRVING, TX — A band famous for playing at Chuck E. Cheese locations across the country was caught up in a scandal this week after fans accused them of lip-syncing their songs.

Study Shows Mysterious Link Between Trying To Run Over ICE Agent And Bullets Striking Windshield

U.S. — Following yet another controversial incident in recent days involving federal immigration enforcement involvement in the death of a motorist, a new study showed a mysterious link between trying to run over ICE agents and bullets striking the windshield of your vehicle.

Scholars Agree Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Signals Outpouring Of God's Wrath On Vegetarians

CAMBRIDGE, MA — As a foodborne illness continued to sweep across the United States and strike fear into the hearts of the nation's populace, scholars agreed that the explosive diarrhea outbreak likely signaled the outpouring of God's wrath upon vegetarians.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Marines discover fire

NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint

WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.

VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.

New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous

Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results

Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired

The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.

Close-ups to capture Messi’s distaste at playing England

Spain hope it’s England

SPAIN have their fingers crossed for England to triumph over Argentina tonight so Sunday is a nice easy final.  Following victory over expected finalists France after their players suffered an attack of soul-deep ennui, Spain’s players would prefer an uncomplicated 3-0 in the final over a difficult match against Argentina. Captain Rodri said: “As players, as a squad we have such love for the English. The way they try and try and then fail is special to us. “Argentina have Messi, they have a formidable reputation, they have the capacity to raise their game. England? They fight like bulldogs, and when was the last time a bulldog won a prize? “Can we put goals past Jordan Pickford? Of course. Many of us already have. It would be a fun final, a comfortable one where we can put on a bit of spectacle for the viewers at home. “And England do not lose completely, since they still have Coldplay in the halftime show.” England fan Ryan Whittaker said: “No, they’re right, I’m happy with that.”

Five ways to take advantage of every other f**ker watching the football tonight

NOT watching England get knocked out by Argentina this evening? Here’s how to enjoy a country where everyone else is busy:  Do your big shop Supermarkets will look like that scene from 28 Days Later, but will be open. Pushing your trolley around a deserted Tesco, aisles eerily empty, idly browsing the Whoops! shelf without fear of being barged aside, is the ultimate luxury. An empty space where cases of Peroni once sat is the only sign football is happening somewhere. Share dark secrets You’re living a lie, but tonight is an amnesty. Go to any open space and scream at maximum volume ‘I’m cheating on you! I urinate in the bathroom sink! It was me who broke the strimmer by using it to open beer bottles!’ and your cries will go unheard but for a solitary dog-walker. Go for a stroll on the M1 Usually tricky, due to all the cars. But after 8pm tonight it will be abandoned, no more than a extra-wide footpath for those who couldn’t give a f**k about our apparently ancient rivalry with Argentina. Why not make an evening of it, and have a sunset picnic on a slip road? Become an influencer All those spots influencers queue at for photos where they pretend to be blissfully alone? Tonight they’re actually empty. Speed around Blencathra, Notting Hill, The Shambles, Lulworth Cove and Meadow Well council estate, South Shields, and you’ll have 400,000 followers before extra time! If you’re pretty. Rob a bank A bank heist takes months of preparation, but tonight? With guards and police all glued to their phones? You’ll be in and out of the vault in 90 minutes, blaring alarms ignored as Rice is sent off and Messi awarded a penalty for no specific reason. But will being several million richer really make up for missing the most important game ever known? Yes.

How to explain being in lingerie if he’s not interested

OPENED the door in stockings and suspenders, only for him to shoulder past asking which cupboard the crisps are in? Use these excuses for why you’re in a lacy set:  ‘It’s laundry day’ Casually mention that every other item of clothing you own is in the wash after a sauce accident, and a red leather corset accessorised with riding crop is what any practical adult wears while waiting for the cycle to finish. What were you supposed to do, answer the door in yesterday’s jeans? ‘I’m breaking these in’ Like Doc Martens, crotchless knickers need wearing around the house before they get comfortable. Otherwise you risk blisters. So you were just getting some wear on those, and the fishnets, while doing household tasks like taking the bins out and filing bank statements. ‘It’s for posture’ Insist the support of the basque has done wonders for your lower back. Frankly it’s more effective than yoga and unlike yoga, you can drink wine. The stilettos are for calf strength and the stockings are actually medical compression socks bought on prescription. ‘I’m doing a wardrobe audit’ Tell him you’re checking whether any of it still fits before deciding what to keep. His complete lack of curiosity has actually made the process much easier and this lime green G-string is going straight to British Heart Foundation. Maybe a needy pensioner could buy it, or someone with a functioning sex life. ‘It’s a social experiment’ You wanted to find out whether a heterosexual man could fail to notice a woman standing in front of him dressed like a burlesque performer. Your hypothesis has been spectacularly confirmed. You will now write this up in your Masters thesis, ‘Selective Blindness in Idiotic Boyfriends Offered Sex: A Practical Study’. ‘I lost a bet’ Refuse to elaborate. Let him spend the next six months wondering what kind of wager ends with Agent Provocateur and an open pot of chocolate body paint. Mumble something about ‘the girls from Accounts’ and ‘Janine really got the better of me that time’. This is also the best way to explain why you’ve shaved a heart into your fanny.

I’ve been unemployed for 22 years, but now I get to beat the hosepipe ban it’s finally paying off

By professional jobseeker Tom Logan, aged 44 LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time.  Yep, benefit claimants like myself kept our eyes on the prize through years of subsistence incomes, and guess what? We’re exempt from hosepipe ban fines. You pathetic losers with decent incomes are kicking yourselves now. Sure, I’ve been through tough times since I was laid off from the Nissan factory 22 years ago. But now? Now they can’t hit me with a £1,000 fine as I live it up on my £76.96 a week Universal Credit and unlimited water. Don’t think I won’t be exploiting this loophole. I’m up watering the garden of my council flat at 4am, then on the hour every hour until midnight. It’s a swamp! While alarm clock Britain watches their herbaceous borders wither and die! So what if the kids haven’t had Christmas presents since Bratz dolls were in? Who cares if regular DWP errors mean my payments are cut off for three months? My lawn’s green while those of big detached houses are yellow, so I win.  For decades I endured the taunts of ‘scrounger’ and the petty rules of Jobcentre Plus. It was worth it. I told my family: ‘Our problems are over. From now on you can have anything you want, so long as it’s watering the lawn or standing under a hose.’ I even got a call this morning offering me a job. Couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Stick your capitalist wage slavery up your arse,’ I said, ‘for I am the Water King.’  It’s no wonder the tabloids hate people like me, able to water our lawns all day if we want, the police standing by impotently. Truly, we have beaten the system. Until it rains.

Ed Davey’s takedown of Nigel Farage was a genuinely funny PMQs moment and the Lib Dem leader won everybody’s vote

It was Keir Starmer’s final PMQs as prime minister and a rather emotional – it was! – half hour or so it was too. But it wasn’t all about the PM and his opposite number, Kemi Badenoch, being remarkably civilised at the Dispatch Box. No, there was also the spectre of Nigel Farage looming overhead, […] The Poke.

Kemi Badenoch had her A++ say on Nigel Farage and Count Binface at PMQs and it set up Keir Starmer for the perfect payoff

It was a different sort of PMQs today as Keir Starmer said goodbye as PM from the Dispatch Box for the final time. And aside from all the various tributes which verged on the quite moving at times – no, seriously – there was one thing that everyone could agree on, and that was Nigel […] The Poke.

The only thing better than this funny ‘Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ coincidence was Norm Macdonald’s reaction to it

Canadian stand-up comedian and Saturday Night Live legend, Norm Macdonald, remains very much missed since his premature death in 2021. Clips of his interviews and routines appear regularly across social media, reminding us all how truly funny he was. In 2020, he won $500,000 on the US version of Celebrity Who Wants to Be a […] The Poke.

Can you solve this brain-teaser shared by a maths professor that’s been melting the minds of folk on Twitter?

At first glance the following question posed by maths professor Anthony Bonato over on Twitter seems to be completely nonsensical. At second and third glance, too, if we’re being completely honest with ourselves. But it turns out that there is a logically correct answer, so if you’re in the mood for giving your brain a […] The Poke.

‘What’s a hobby or occupation that leads to a breakup rate approaching 100% for the people in it?’ – 21 pastimes that will kill the strongest relationship

The received wisdom about relationships is that it’s good to have at least a few things in common. A shared interest that you can do together will keep the relationship ticking along. But is that always true or are there some pastimes that will end a happy union quicker that you can say ‘IKEA furniture […] The Poke.