The Onion
Taylor Swift Returns From Honeymoon To Find Jack Antonoff Squatting In House
NEW YORK—Her eyes widening with horror as she took in the sight of the wrinkled hoodies and an upside-down electric keyboard strewn across the foyer, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly returned from her honeymoon Friday to find producer Jack Antonoff squatting in her Tribeca penthouse. “Oh, hey, it’s chill if I crash here for a while, right?” said the 42-year-old Antonoff, whom Swift walked in on as he stood pantsless in the pitch dark of her kitchen, digging through the fridge and wearing a pair of her own slippers. “I put my drums in your room, but I can totally move them if you want. You’re the best. This is gonna be so fun. Oh, and you’re out of toothpaste. Hi, Travis.” At press time, Swift had reportedly changed all the locks after dropping Antonoff off at Lorde’s.
The Onion.
FIFA Admits It Has No Idea Why Soccer Players Walk Out On Field With Little Kids
NEW YORK—Confessing total ignorance as to the origins of the mystifying ritual, FIFA admitted Friday it has absolutely no idea why soccer players routinely walk out onto the field accompanied by a group of little kids. “For a while now, the World Cup games have commenced with each player stepping out onto the pitch holding hands with a random child, but we never told anyone to start doing that,” FIFA president Gianni Infantino told reporters, noting that though the organization has no communication with the unidentified children at any point, they nonetheless appear in the entrance tunnel prior to each game before silently choosing a player to accompany to the field. “I mean, we’re talking about 52 total kids, every game, and I’m pretty sure they never repeat—it’s always 52 brand-new kids. Just an inexhaustible supply. And after the pregame ceremony, they all just take their free soccer ball and file out of the stadium. Honestly, the whole thing is kind of weird, but I guess it’s tradition now? It’s out of our hands at this point.” At press time, Infantino was forced to end his media comments after a group of blank-faced children entered his office, corralled reporters out of the room, and closed the door behind them.
The Onion.
Man Binge-Watches Entire Movie In One Sitting
COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing embarrassment at the sheer amount of time that had passed, local man Evan Pfister reportedly binge-watched an entire movie in one sitting on Friday. “Wow, I must have been staring at this screen for hours. Well, almost hours. An hour and forty nine minutes, to be precise,” said Pfister, who told reporters that he knew it probably “wasn’t healthy,” but the film just kept autoplaying one scene after another. “I usually like to watch my movies one Instagram Reels clip at a time, but what can I say? I guess I was just sucked in wanting to know what would happen to Selena Gomez and her friends in Monte Carlo.” At press time, Pfister was wondering out loud if perhaps his behavior was a symptom of depression.
The Onion.
All The Features Of Meta’s AI Glasses
Tech giant Meta continues to push its AI smart glasses, including with a new ad campaign featuring Kylie Jenner. Here are all the features of the wearable device:
Hands-free doxxing
70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators
Auto-Stare mode to stare at things for you
AI therapy chat for parsing what drove you to buy this
Certain beating every time wearer says “Hey, Meta” in public
Hourly giraffe facts
Identifies ugliest friend and replaces face with today’s DraftKings betting picks
More than enough battery life to last until you’re thrown out of Lululemon women’s section
Administers small shock every time user looks away from targeted advertisements
Easily fits in any garbage can
The Onion.
Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over?
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.
New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous
Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired
The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.
Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Daily Mash
Britain experiences first documented case of barbecue fatigue
A HOSPITAL has admitted the first-ever British man suffering from a debilitating sickness of barbecuing every bloody weekend.
55-year-old Martin Bishop, like all men, began summer planning to burn meat outside with minimum food hygiene precautions whenever the weather permitted him to, which he expected to be a maximum of two times.
But the unprecedented heatwaves mean he is now required to show off his signature marinade to other middle-aged men with limited hobbies every weekend and he quickly became fatigued.
He said: “At first it was great. I was buying 12 different varieties of sausages, I was nurturing that charcoal more than I did my first-born, and my novelty LET THE GOAT COOK apron was getting laughs. It has a goat on it. In a chef’s hat.
“But it’s been months now. I’m tired, I’m sweaty, I’m standing there in intense heat leaning over a concentrated source of even more heat. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss vegetables.
“Plus, thinking about it, we paid a lot of money for an oven that heats things from all four sides, yet there I am manually turning chunks of meat like a peasant. And where’s the thrill of barbecuing without the mild peril of oncoming rain?”
Martin’s wife Donna said: “Martin has been struck down by the agony of realising when you carry out an essential household task, such as cooking, quite frequently it is no longer fun. Who knew.”
We ask you: How can England stop Haaland tonight?
TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?
Lucy Parry, camgirl: “Ask him to comprehend true love. His android brain will seize right up, and sparks come out of his ears.”
Martin Bishop, private tutor: “Everyone’s forgetting we’ve got loads of Premier League players in the side who’ve played against Haaland plenty. All they have to do is use the same tactics against him that didn’t work then.”
Denys Finch Hatton, property developer: “What do Vikings like? Illuminated manuscripts seemed to be their thing back in the day. Can we scatter a few of those around the box to distract him?”
Eleanor Shaw, tarot reader: “As an albino his eyes are unable to see the colour red so if we wear our away kit we’ll be basically invisible. I think. I’ve not checked or anything and I have no relevant qualifications.”
Sam Matterface, commentator: “I’m assuming victory and working on my rant: Morten Harket, Jo Nesbo, Edvard Munch, Thor Heyerdahl, turn-of-the-century female serial killer Belle Gunness, your boys took one hell of a beating.”
Helen Archer, oncologist: “Can we not just appeal to his better nature? I mean he can’t really want Norway to win.”
Bury Tapestry arrives in France
Loony lefties ban England flag made with human blood
PATRIOTS have been banned from painting a 60ft England flag on the side of a building just because they are planning to use human blood for the red bits.
Left-wing council chiefs said the image could be offensive to those who do not support England or do not like the idea of a enormous public mural painted with human blood.
But Wayne Hayes, the Stevenage scaffolder who designed the World Cup morale booster, said: “I can’t see what’s offensive about it. It’s England. Unless supporting your country offends these snowflakes?
“I’ve already backed our boys by completely covering the windscreen of my Transit van with a giant England fan, and when I’m driving down the M1 everyone’s beeping their horns in support.
“But when me and Steve build a wall painted with the England flag blocking the entrance to our local A&E, to cheer the patients up, sure enough a man from the council says we have to knock it down. Can someone please tell me what’s happened to this country?
“If we’d painted two men having sex on it then they’d have given me an Arts Council grant. It’s two-tier Britain in action.”
Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: “I’ve had little England flags tattooed onto the inside of my eyes. They had to go in through the back of my head with a drill and gouge out some of my brain. But I suppose that should have been banned as well, should it?
“Actually, it probably should. I can’t see anything and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.”
Shrewd Clacton voter suspects Count Binface may be a fictional character
AN astute voter in Clacton-on-Sea has a hunch that Count Binface might not actually be from the planet Sigma IX.
After watching Binface’s fiery exchange with interviewers on Newsnight, whip-smart Clacton resident Margaret Gerving has come to the conclusion that his ‘independent space warrior’ persona might be nothing more than a satirical gimmick.
Gerving said: “At first I took him at face value. Why shouldn’t I believe he’s the 5,900-year-old leader of the Recyclons? Curious, I dug a little deeper.
“Alarm bells started ringing when I looked into his policies. Putting a 99p price cap on Flakes and sending £1 trillion a week to the NHS sounds appealing, but he doesn’t explain how he’ll fund either of them.
“Then I remembered that bins are traditionally found on the street and used to contain rubbish, not worn on the heads of intergalactic visitors with an interest in local politics. And according to Wikipedia his real name is Jonathan Harvey. The lies never end.
“I know I’m going to sound like a tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist when I say this, but I really think Count Binface might just be some bloke having a laugh. And fair play, he nearly had me for a minute there.”
She added: “It’s a shame Lord Buckethead isn’t running. Now there was a candidate you could trust.”
The Poke
A European reporter just took Donald Trump down with the cold hard truth about the Iran war and more of this sort of thing in America please
A free and bold European press corps did its job this week during the NATO summit in Turkey. Instead of lobbing softball questions that go nowhere or accepting tirades from whichever powerful politician happens to be standing at the microphone, this press pool pushed for real answers to questions on issues affecting everyone around the […]
The Poke.
We’re not saying it’s going badly for Reform UK-er Laila Cunningham but she just got spectacularly owned on Talk TV
Laila Cunningham was already having a bad week but might have hoped for something of an easier ride when she turned up on Talk TV. Except it turned out the Reform UK-er and Landon mayoral hopeful was having such a bad week that she even got spectacularly owned over there as well, specially by presenter […]
The Poke.
This performance outside a Victoria’s Secret must still be the best body positivity flashmob we’ve ever seen
American Idol star and singer-songriter Jax Miskanic – @jaxwritessongs – went viral when she pranked her parents with a very funny custom-written song. @jaxwritessongs Doing the Scholarship Prank on my parents…in song 😂 #scholarshipprank #scholarship #foryou ♬ original sound – Jax A 2022 project she arranged had an important and very serious message, but was […]
The Poke.
This Danish reporter magnificently called out Mark Rutte and his attitude to Donald Trump and had Europeans everywhere applauding
Journalists used to be around to hold politicians accountable. Somewhere over time, that relationship evolved. Now reporters have to play nice with the monsters in charge in order to maintain access. Apparently, this Danish reporter did not get that memo because instead, we get this wonderful exchange with NATO head Mark Rutte. WOW — Danish […]
The Poke.
‘What quirky expressions have you heard from non-English speakers that make you smile?’ – 21 sayings that will tickle you pink
Anyone who has declared themselves at sixes and sevens or said something is a piece of cake will be well aware that the English language has some expressions which are a bit odd, when you really think about them. But it turns out we’re not alone and in fact every other language has some weird […]
The Poke.
