WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?” said Trump, adding that there was no excuse for him being subjected to nearly half a minute of mind-numbing small talk before Secret Service finally tackled the vice president. “From now on, we’re not only gonna have multiple agents at every door of every room I enter, but also position snipers on the roof, so they can take him out the second he’s spotted on White House grounds. I got lucky this time, but a deranged person like that won’t stop until we’re having a full-blown conversation.” At press time, Trump reportedly decided he’d never truly feel safe as long as Vance remained alive, and he immediately ordered Air Force Two shot out of the sky.

The post Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday.

432 A.D.

St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum.

521

St. Brigid of Kildare invents the puke and rally.

1721

First known uttering of the phrase “You think you’re better than me?”

1845

Millions of Irish immigrants come to America, where they were oppressed too, you know.

1876

Guy with a pinching fetish gets involved.

1890

Guinness begins bottling factory floor runoff to send to America.

1963

John F. Kennedy proves that the Irish aren’t all lucky.

1970

McDonald’s debuts the original corned-beef–flavored Shamrock Shake.

1989

Bagpipes decriminalized.

1999

Erin and Johnny break up and get back together four times in the same bar.

2007

The popular girls all wear matching green Abercrombie polos to school.

2015

Entire city of Boston arrested for public urination.

The post History Of St. Patrick’s Day appeared first on The Onion.

KALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he’s hit rock bottom, things actually get even worse for him,” said Rivas’ colleague Jane Ferro, who spoke on behalf of the people closest to the 36-year-old as she outlined their strategy to crush his spirits at both work and home, inflicting maximum emotional damage on the already weakened and fragile man. “We will be working in close concert to ensure that Alberto feels attacked from all angles as soon as he’s at his lowest, an objective we intend to accomplish through subtle—but still cutting—remarks about his height, weight, general incompetence, and lack of romantic prospects, in addition to comments upon the overall futility of his personal existence. We will kick him when he’s down, and we will not let up.” At press time, sources told reporters that Rivas had unfortunately killed himself before the plan could be set into motion.

The post Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst appeared first on The Onion.

GREENVILLE, NC—Touting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. “I have an awesome new challenge today for anyone who can peek under my face and behold my true form without perishing,” said the popular YouTuber, turning his back to the camera and pushing aside his skin to screams of terror as another dozen failed challengers fell upon the corpse pile. “So far no one’s been able to withstand the blinding light and howling void that swirls beyond my flesh, so the cash is still up for grabs! There’s no catch, guys, seriously—all you have to do is not be stricken dead by a single glance at the horrors concealed with this frozen grin, and, boom, the money’s all yours.” At press time, Donaldson had agreed to award half the prize amount to a fan who immediately blinded himself at the sight, but technically survived. 

The post MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask appeared first on The Onion.

Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here’s ways to avoid an untimely death by snow.

Check God’s Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He’s angry with you, it’s best to stay in.

Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting stuck in a few test avalanches beforehand.

Don’t Taunt The Snow: Most avalanches happen because someone mouthed off.

After Getting Trapped, Move On With Your Life: The avalanche was a big change, but it’s time to accept that being buried under 25 feet of snow is your new normal.

Protest: Use your First Amendment right to voice your disapproval to the avalanche.

Save Energy: Power down your ROG Ally X gaming handheld after a few more rounds of Spelunky.

Conserve Oxygen For Whistling: You’ll want to be able to whistle.

Amputate Your Arm With A Dull Pocket Knife: It won’t free you from being trapped, but it will help you pass the time.

Let The Mountain Know It’s Not In Your Will: An avalanche is less likely to be deadly if the mountain knows there’s no financial benefit.

Dig Down To The Center Of The Earth: The planet’s core is much warmer than snow.

Eat A Mediterranean Diet: While it might not help in the short term, a Mediterranean diet is a heart-healthy option that can increase your life by up to 10 years.

Call An Uber: They’ll find you. It’s their job.

The post How To Survive An Avalanche appeared first on The Onion.

REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life's challenges by making him play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

NEW YORK, NY — The recent string of embarrassing incidents involving popular media outlets continued on Monday, as The New York Times was forced to retract a story due to several accuracies.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The horror movie Sinners has officially won the Oscar for "Crappiest Movie To Win An Oscar".

HOLLYWOOD, CA — President Trump has once again been snubbed for his iconic role in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

CANYON, TX - Local seven-year-old Brayden Rogers got totally exposed this afternoon as he suffered an embarrassing hoops beatdown against his father.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again. 

So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!

JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:

How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World! 

Have a vasectomy coming up? Odds are, you have a reservation at Texas Roadhouse for around the same time. While the two have always gone hand in hand, the steakhouse’s servers have never celebrated male birth control surgery like they do birthdays…until now: Texas Roadhouse just announced that they’ve written a song for waitstaff to sing to men who are celebrating a recent vasectomy. 

Finally! It took too damn long for Texas Roadhouse to step up here, but better late than never!

Starting today, men who get vasectomies within seven days of dining at Texas Roadhouse will be honored with the same lively experience that Texas Roadhouse offers to people celebrating birthdays. That means vasectomized men will be sat on a saddle, where they may wave a napkin in the air while servers chant, clap, and sing a Texas Roadhouse original song called “Happy Vasectomy!” before serving the lucky patron one (1) scoop of ice cream. 

To drum up hype for the vasectomy celebration experience, Texas Roadhouse released a preview of their “Happy Vasectomy!” song. Check it out below!

Amazing. Worth the wait, Texas Roadhouse fans? Yes, or yes? 

“Texas Roadhouse has always been to vasectomies what Chuck E. Cheese is to children’s birthday parties, we’re just making it official,” explained Texas Roadhouse CEO Gerald L. Morgan in a press statement announcing the vasectomy celebration experience. “Our sincere apologies that it took us so long to celebrate vasectomies the way they deserve to be celebrated. We really cared about getting this right, and I’m proud to say our restaurant’s vasectomy celebration is a memorable, fun experience you won’t find anywhere else.”

It just goes to show that a little ingenuity can go a long way in making a newly sterilized man’s steak dinner one he’ll never forget. Props to you, Texas Roadhouse!

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country: 

Denmark: sex

As newly discovered by the media, the Danish are incredible at sex! When not building Lego or pig-farming, both of which are very sexy occupations, every Danish person spends at least five hours a day locked in fulfilling sexual congress. Oh, aren’t they just wonderful with their ørgåsms. Don’t you wish you were like them.

Norway: being warm in front of a fire

You might think you, as a resident of a cold country used to wearing layers, are equally as good at passively absorbing warmth as a Norwegian, but you’d be wrong. They’re Scandinavian and they bring a refined glamour to it which you, living on this parochial island, could never imagine. Also they wear a chic cable-knit and you wear a fleece.

Germany: burping the house

Over in Germany they do this wonderful, wonderful thing called ‘burping the house’ where they open all the windows first thing in the morning so the air can circulate, and so they never have damp! What? Isn’t the house freezing? Irrelevant. What if it’s raining? Don’t be small-minded. Just revel in the wisdom of our continental betters.

France: drinking wine

And France, of course, are the masters of drinking wine. They don’t drink to oblivion like foolish, benighted Brits. Instead they order a simple vin blanc with lunch, a vin rouge with dinner, a pastis at a café, a cognac in the evening. Ignore that they have the highest number of deaths from alcohol in Europe. They’re so fantastically civilised!

Italy: eating

You think you know how to eat? What, just because you shove edible items into your face and metabolise them? That’s cute. No, you know nothing of how to eat, not compared to the Italians for whom eating is life, art and beauty. From olive oil to pasta to olive oil again, they’re so superior that you really shouldn’t eat at all if you can’t do it with their passione. 

Spain: sex again

So hot-blooded, so alive, so fiery; how could they not excel? Compared to you pale abominations who cannot remove even a sock without giggling in embarrassment, the Latin lover is a god. Also, they’re better at dancing, football, the tango, writing Don Quixote, eating, drinking wine, being warm and probably ventilation too. You really are pathetically British.

THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers. 

A study which included peer-reviews of bitchy WhatsApps, lab measurements of subtle, withering comments about each other’s wardrobes and longitudinal studies concluded that women are incapable of friendship with women.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What was a popular theory is now a scientific fact. Disagree and you’re as deluded as a flat-Earther.

“Women may all appear to be close confidants to the untrained, male eye. Look closer and you’ll see even the closest of friendships is a long war motivated by fiery hatred and a refusal to concede superiority. And if they’re actual sisters even more so.

“Resentment runs through everything women do. Hen parties are a calculated humiliation ritual. Weddings only exist to establish dominance over their closest enemies. Even their slumber party pillow-fights are just a controlled release of physical rage.

“Compare this to how well women get on with men. Often their friendship blossoms into ill-judged sex and occasionally marriage. After which they stop talking, but still.”

Woman Helen Archer said: “Who did they do this study on? I bet it was Emily, that f**king bitch.”

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up. 

Do not come in here for your MOT with this One Battle After Another shit. That’s a f**king lifetime achievement award dressed up as a Best Picture Oscar, you midwit prick. That film was as confused as you’ll be when you get your bill.

Sinners? Are you taking the piss? Didn’t even deserve to win Best 18-Certificate Film The Corner Shop Will Rent You Even Though You’re Underage In 1986, though that was definitely its category.

Whereas Train Dreams was a liminal odyssey through a world we’ve lost, breathtaking cinematography, positively Malickian. Yes it’s an adjective Terry, means ‘characteristic or reminiscent of the work of film director Terrence Malick’. Christ you’re ignorant.

No, the largely silent protagonist wasn’t ‘like Grand Theft Auto III’. That was a choice. It meant he was a lens through which we view the destruction of wilderness, the joy and sadness men take in it, how it leaves them changed. If you didn’t get that you’re a dickhead.

Yeah, I’ll get to changing the bulbs on that Honda Civic, but can we at least agree in here it was far and away the most rapturous piece of cinema in 2025? I mean the Academy couldn’t but we’re not twats.

They didn’t understand working men like us can have rich inner emotional lives, exactly. Stuck-up wankers. Len, mate, if you say ‘I liked F1’ one more time I’ll f**king lamp you.

ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks? 

Ellie-Mae

Actually has some pedigree as the name of the girl from The Beverly Hillbillies, though it’s unlikely the parent who bestowed this knows such acknowledged classics of the silver screen. Some children have their names put down for Eton at birth; babies called Ellie-Mae have their names put down on a waiting list for a trainee position at a local beauty salon.

Lily-Rose

Destined to be a waifish, pixie-like creature described with words like ‘enchanting,’ ‘elfin’ and ‘a bit wet frankly’. They spend most of their time buying scented candles and drawing pictures of unicorns. Nothing dramatic ever happens to a Lily-Rose, though they believe everything does.

Ava-Grace

An Ava-Grace is a woman who has her shit together. Forced to spell her name to everyone she meets, she naturally assumes she lives in a world of f**king idiots and takes command accordingly. Has never had a Pot Noodle and believes Love Island should be closed to shipping. Find her silently judging your shopping basket in Waitrose.

Charlie-Lou

Permanently the baby of the group. Wide-eyed, candyfloss-fuelled and incapable of outgrowing Christmas excitement, they move through adulthood with a baffling innocence. Even aged 43, a Charlie-Lou can be spotted clapping during the exciting part of a film.

Tommy-Lee

Could go either way. For men there is charisma, mischief and the faint promise of learning the guitar if not too busy attending appointments at sexually transmitted disease clinics. If female, will hang out at the same rock pubs but be f**king angry about a name that condemns her to a cleavage tattoo.

Ruby-Ann

Ruby-Anns appear to have wandered into British life from a 1950s Technicolor film. All wholesome smiles, cardigans and make-out sessions at Lover’s Creek. Permanently positioned next door to trouble, but never involved in it. How do two names add up to plain boring?

IF only she had looked up from her phone, you would be engaged and choosing names for your first four children. This is how your Central line love slipped away: 

Stage one: The glance

You spot her across the carriage, an alluring silhouette with gorgeous hair, someone new and exciting who’s not blocked you or unmatched on Bumble. No ring. A promising start.

Stage two: The smile

She’s smiling slightly. This is kismet: Dante and Beatrice, Carrie and Boris, Molly-Mae and Tommy. You’re confident it’s not because she’s looking at photos of cats in trucker hats.

Stage three: The inner monologue

You must approach her, but how to do it without ending up the subject of a viral TikTok about Tube creeps? Perhaps you should rehearse different lines while not realising you’re mumbling them oddly until you catch your reflection doing so? Shit.

Stage four: Eye contact

She looks up and sees you staring. You panic, break off and focus on an ad about erectile dysfunction.Your gaze must remain fixed on it so you don’t seem a pervert, but this is also not helping.

Stage five: Call to action

What if she gets off before you? Must you follow? Love hangs in the balance but so does your job if you get off at Mile End. Also, if you follow her and she doesn’t notice you are now a stalker.

Stage six: Montage

In your head, you’ve introduced yourself. You’ve dated, you’ve kissed, you’re married, you have two cats and an expresso machine, you still have a very healthy sex life, and now you can’t stand up because you’ve got a stiffy.

Stage seven: Your chance

She’s shifted in her seat, laughing at a meme. This means she wants you to talk to her. If only you weren’t frozen in place by fear, desire, convention and not wanting to lose your seat.

Stage eight: Desperation

Your future wife is gathering her bags. You gesture, with your eyes, for her to remove the earbuds currently cock-blocking you but she doesn’t notice.

Stage nine: Goodbye

She stands and walks away out of your life forever. You cling to your backpack like a life raft. Will she be back tomorrow? Do they still do Rush Hour Crush in the Metro?

Stage ten: Mourning

It’s over. You watch her disappear into the crowds. She’ll never know she was The One and you’re now doomed to replay this 45-second encounter in slow motion for the rest of your life. Oh, this is your station, might get a croissant.

Usually, when Donald Trump answers a question from the media, we can’t wait for him to stop talking. This time, he didn’t even begin. The President of the United States was asked how he felt about the six dead American soldiers who lost their lives fighting the war he started in Iran. His answer was […]

The post Donald Trump was asked about the six dead American service members killed in Iran and his answer, or lack of it, spoke so loudly it hurts appeared first on The Poke.

It’s been more than two weeks now since Donald Trump launched his war in Iran and if you listened to him or his secretary of defence, sorry, war Pete Hegseth it couldn’t possibly be going any better. Except the reality of what people are seeing and hearing with their own eyes and ears suggests something […]

The post Donald Trump demanded NATO help fight his war against Iran and the rest of the world (well, nearly) responded as one appeared first on The Poke.

Britain gets bashed for all sorts of silly reasons which aren’t deserved, but there are some ways in which we’re dawdling behind the rest of the world and could do with a little kick up the backside. Over on the AskUK subreddit, user DullInflation6 posted their thoughts on the matter… What is something surprising that […]

The post ‘What is something surprising that the UK is really far behind other countries in?’ – 21 ways we’re playing catch up as a nation appeared first on The Poke.

The only thing Donald Trump appears to love more than Donald Trump is money. The President loves money so much he’ll even use a dignified transfer – the solemn bringing home of a service man or women killed in duty – as a prop for his fundraising emails. You remember that photo of Trump saluting […]

The post Donald Trump was asked about his questionable fundraising techniques and his answer didn’t just speak volumes, it bellowed them appeared first on The Poke.

As the war between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, the President of the United States continues to bloviate. The latest from Donald Trump is one of the most face-palmingly obvious takes of all: the United States has no need to have a massive military presence in the Middle East at all. Here […]

The post Donald Trump just said there’s no reason for the US to be fighting a war in the Middle East and was schooled into next year – 17 crushing comebacks appeared first on The Poke.