Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law

WASHINGTON—Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday to remain fully independent of the law. “The autonomy of the Office of the Attorney General is paramount, and I will defend it against any act, statute, ordinance, or even basic common-law principle,” said Blanche, emphasizing that no federal law or constitutional restriction would have any influence whatsoever upon his investigations, prosecutions, or other official actions. “For far too long, the Department of Justice has displayed a prominent pro-law bias, but under my tenure that will be rectified immediately. As of this morning, I have shelved all cases against those accused of crimes and launched inquiries into several people toward whom the president has expressed a slight personal distaste.” Blanche added that he would wholeheartedly defend President Donald Trump from any attempt to restrain his actions using the U.S. Constitution. The Onion.

White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary

WASHINGTON—Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. “Madison [Rhodes] has been on our radar ever since she humiliated a total stranger at a Zara changing area and sent her fleeing the store in tears,” said White House communications director Steven Cheung, recalling how the 16-year-old loudly once told a friend that the nearby customer needed to lose 30 pounds of back fat before going anywhere that ribbed tank top. “When our background check revealed that Madison had also mocked the accent of the cashier at the boba tea place and started spreading rumors for no real reason that her bestie was the official blow-job princess of the wrestling team, we were elated. And once we found out she’d cyberbullied at least three classmates into eating disorder treatment, we knew without a doubt that this was the stone-cold bitch we wanted to belittle the White House press corps for years to come.” According to sources, at least half a dozen White House correspondents had hanged themselves within hours of Rhodes’ first briefing. The Onion.

‘Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?’ Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up ‘Lonesome Dove’ Waitlist

NEW YORK—Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry’s Pulitzer Prize–winning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Monday at a librarian who refused to move him up the Lonesome Dove waitlist. “Look, I am the NBA Finals MVP, I am a very big deal, and I have over one million dollars,” said Brunson, explaining that he needed the book more than the other patrons because his book club met next weekend. “No, I will not download the Libby app—I need to keep my phone free for texts and Google Maps. And don’t tell me to check out a different book, because I’ve already read every other one: Dracula, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, Famesick, all of them. I need Lonesome Dove, and I need it today. I’ll even take the large-print copy for old people if necessary.” At press time, sources confirmed Brunson was attempting to intimidate the librarian by quietly dribbling a basketball beside the returns bin. The Onion.

Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets

MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come. According to witnesses, the clueless Whitfield should be crying tears of goddamn joy, because she was at the absolute pinnacle of her life, completely unaware of the bullying she would experience in school, the loveless marriage that would go 20 years too long, or the career ambitions that would be constantly thwarted, not to mention a genetic predisposition to Parkinson’s that could rob her of her mobility at any moment. At press time, sources reported that the newborn was at last comfortably napping in a bassinet, not realizing she would soon be crying in her sleep too. The Onion.

AOC Freezing Her Eggs

As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think? “Give me a second to find a reason to be mad about this.” Craig Uibel, Unemployed “What AOC publicly proclaims about her body is none of anyone’s business.” Jared Peck, Notebook Liner “No one would say a word if a man froze AOC’s eggs.” Veronica Reyes, Steam Engineer The Onion.

Church Introduces Breakaway Stained Glass Windows For Introverts To Use During Sharing Of The Peace

SPRINGFIELD, MO — St. Luke's Lutheran Church of Springfield updated all of its sanctuary's stained-glass windows with "breakaway glass" for introverts to use during the sharing of the peace.

11 Most Effective Punishments For Parents To Use On Their Gen Alpha Kids

Every generation is unique, and parents of Gen Alpha kids are quickly learning that the world has changed quite a bit over these past few decades. The punishments of yesteryear simply don't work on kids today. But don't lose hope, parents.

WNBA Subreddit Bans Any Mention Of 'Women'

U.S. — The online Reddit community of WNBA fans announced that it had officially banned any and all mention of "women."

New 'X-Men' Movie Expected To Flop As They Went Woke And Made Storm Black

U.S. — Entertainment industry insiders predicted that the upcoming Marvel Studios X-Men reboot would flop after the producers chose to go woke and make the character "Storm" an African-American woman.

Mormon Teen Takeover Leaves Three New Houses Built For Homeless

PROVO, UT — A mob of local Mormon teenagers engaging in the popular internet trend of staging a "takeover" reportedly left three new houses built for the homeless in its wake.

Powerful Gesture: Google Maps Will Now Give You Slightly Better Directions If You’re Menstruating

Many companies talk a big game about supporting women, but few companies walk the walk like Google is: Google Maps will now give you slightly better directions if you’re menstruating.  Yup, Google has officially earned its feminist bonafides! Your move, Apple Maps! Earlier today, Google Maps formally rolled out Menstrual Reroutes, a new feature that lets female users disclose when they’re menstruating in exchange for marginally better directions, which the tech giant says will save travellers in menses “around three to four minutes of transit time on average.” Google CEO Sundar Pichai explained via press release that the period-conscious Maps update, applies to all methods of travel, meaning drivers on their period will be rerouted down somewhat quicker roads just as menstruators on foot will see their walking directions take a subtly-but-technically more direct path towards their destination. “Maps knows on-the-go is the last place you want to be when you’re on-the-flow, and that’s why we’re helping menstruators get where they’re going kind of sooner with directions unavailable to non-menstruators,” wrote Pichai. “If there are no faster routes than the one you’re on, we will send Maps commuters ahead of you down a wrong turn, because even if it only saves you a minute or two of travel time, Google believes women are worth it.” Google is now promoting Menstrual Reroutes on billboards across the country, featuring photos of women in transit following Maps directions while sorting through a bag of menstrual hygiene products in the passenger seat, freebleeding through their pants on the bus, and trailing blood down a bike path, accompanied by copy showing decreased travel times like “23 min 20 min: Now shortening your time on the road at that time of the month.” Wow. If you’re a menstruator en route, Google’s throwing you a nice bone here! What a powerful gesture Google Maps is making towards women across the world—and we have to give them props for being so upfront about how their directions only get slightly better when you’re menstruating. In our patriarchal society, slightly better is a step forward nonetheless – we’ll take it!

Ugh: This Guy Is One Of Those Guys Whose Personality Is His Entire Personality

Sorry to ruin your day, but this is just so insufferable we can’t look away: This guy is one of those guys whose personality is his entire personality.  Ugh, dude. Can’t you find something better to define yourself than the way that you are? Thirty-two-year-old Nonprofit Coordinator Julian Coleman is the type of cringey asshole who can’t go ten seconds without exuding one of his many defining characteristics. His entire personality is based around how he likes certain things, acts certain ways, and holds certain values in a unique combination that is specific to him.  Take one look at his social media feeds and you’ll find post after post where there’s always got to be some sort of reference to something he did or something he was thinking about or a picture of himself or something he saw.  It’s like, we get it dude: You’re Julian Coleman! You live in Austin! You’re a fulltime caretaker for your disabled sister! Your photographs of your travels through Myanmar in your 20s were made into a book! You’re funny! Your girlfriend’s name is Stacy and you met her when you got in an argument with her on Reddit about the best Nirvana song! But do you really have to make these things–and the many other characteristics that define you as a person–your entire personality? God, guys like this are SO annoying…  Would it kill this guy to find something, anything for his personality to revolve around besides his personality? A certain sports team or diet or hobby, maybe? There’s more to life than being you, man. Branch out a little.

Wetting The Bed Means You’re Strong (By Tom Holland)

Hiya! Tom Holland here. Television’s Spiderman. It’s a commonly held belief that wetting the bed means you’re weak. A goofy little child. A grody old man covered in sores. A worthless baby!  Not being able to hold your pee in is seen as a sign that your pee muscles are weak or that you’ve got a real little bitch of a bladder.  This couldn’t be more idiotic and stupid as hell!! I’ve got news for you: Wetting the bed means you’re really strong! It doesn’t matter what society or much less your wife says. Being unable to hold your urine overnight while sleeping means that you are as strong as it gets and that you are a GREAT person.  I’m not going to get into the science of it all, because no one would understand it anyway. But basically, only the strongest of people piss their beds or “can’t hold it” on long car rides and wet themselves while driving. Your wife might say otherwise. She might say, “You need to go to a doctor about this, Tom,” or “Why don’t you try emptying your bladder right before bed?”  Blah blah blah.  She says these things because she’s never been with a strong man before. Her old boyfriend, Jacob, never let even a drizzle of pee out of his penis at night. She grew to believe that meant he was “strong.” But he wasn’t.  He sucked.  If your idea of “normal” is waking up in a dry bed and NOT smelling urine (i.e., “waking up weak”) you may want to ask yourself where that idea came from. Opening your eyes in the morning and declaring, “Oh great, I pissed the bed again,” it is a sign of strength, courage, and fortitude. Not weakness, as some liars would have you believe. Ancient Samoan warriors pissed the bed 15, 20 times a night. And their piss was THICK.  You don’t see anyone calling them “weak.” Does having large muscles and being able to lift heavy weights make one “strong?” Or does strength come from within, and then that strength pushes your pee out all over your mattress, sheets, and comforter? Every smart person agrees that more strength comes from leaving a hotel bed soaked in gallons of piss because you drank five to six Gatorades right before bed and were too sleepy to get up and hit the toilet before bed than lifting weights ever will.  And that’s not only a fact, but it’s true.

Thrilling For Her: Mom Just Learned Some Super Sad News That She Gets To Tell Everyone

If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone. Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom! Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else. Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now! While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place. One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that. Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!

Aw: The Two Flies In Your Apartment Seem To Be Becoming Friends

If you haven’t gotten your daily dose of cuteness yet, you’re in luck, because this story is one of the most adorable things you’re ever going to learn about in your entire life: The two flies in your apartment seem to be becoming friends. Awwww! This is the sweetest thing! While the two flies started out on opposite sides of your apartment, with one hovering around your living room window and the other hovering around the bowl of fruit you keep on your kitchen table, over time they’ve been flying closer and closer to each other, and they’re clearly developing a deeper sort of companionship. Just a few hours ago, both of the flies landed on your coffee table, one so he could rub his front legs together and the other so that he could crawl around near some crumbs. Then the two flies took off at literally almost the same time and started flying around your living room kind of close to each other. If you need us, you can find us in the hospital recovering from a cuteness overload! “While we can’t read the minds of these flies, after extensive analysis and rigorous peer-reviewed studies it’s safe to say that they are buddies,” said Professor Allison Raudsepp, a biologist at Princeton University who recently published a paper on the ways the two flies in your apartment recently spent over an hour hovering around your kitchen garbage can together. “After watching these two dudes crawl all over the same apple or land on the same windowpane and rest there only a few inches apart, it is quickly becoming the consensus in the scientific community that they are pals and only growing closer.” Professor Raudsepp said she was particularly interested in the way the flies seem to fly around in circles that are nearish to one another. “Think about it,” she said, “if you and your best friend had wings, would you fly far away from each other, or kind of next to each other? The fact that these flies are close together shows they are best friends and might even be in love.” Well, it’s official: this situation is so goddamn precious that we cannot possibly handle it. If you’re not squealing with glee right now thinking about the two flies in your apartment hanging out and being bros, you do not deserve to be protected by the laws of our country. We can’t wait to watch this budding friendship between the flies in your apartment get deeper and deeper. It’s one of the best things we’ve ever heard about, and it’s giving us a reason to live!

Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin

WASHINGTON — An Air Force inspector general investigation has uncovered an alleged kickback scheme between several squadron snack officers and representatives of the insulin industry, raising concerns that America’s most junior officers have spent years quietly undermining military fitness for profit.The SNACKO, or snack officer, is traditionally the newest and least respected officer in a flying squadron and is responsible for maintaining adequate supplies of energy drinks, candy bars, chips, ramen noodles, and foods capable of surviving multiple presidential administrations.According to investigators, at least seven SNACKOs accepted money, mileage reimbursements, and free Costco memberships in exchange for ensuring their squadron snack bars remained “aggressively incompatible with the warrior ethos.”“This investigation began after Secretary Hegseth demanded we find out why everyone’s waist-to-height ratio keeps getting worse despite all the mandatory PT,” said Air Force investigator Lt. Col. Aaron Mitchell. “Eventually somebody looked at the snack bar.”“What we found was horrifying.”The report describes shelves stocked almost exclusively with Pop-Tarts, powdered donuts, peanut butter crackers, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, energy drinks, and ramen with expiration dates extending beyond the projected service life of the F-35.Investigators said the scheme began when pharmaceutical representatives infiltrated an online SNACKO forum while posing as experienced airlift squadron snack officers.“They understood the target,” Mitchell said. “A brand-new lieutenant making lieutenant money, entrusted with $800 in Venmo payments and absolutely no adult supervision.”One SNACKO reportedly became suspicious after being encouraged to remove apples, bananas, and kale chips from his squadron.“I tried healthy food once,” the officer told investigators. “Nobody touched it. The bananas turned black, the apples became soft, and someone wrote ‘COMMIE FOOD’ on the kale.”He paused.“I’d never felt that kind of professional shame.”

Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given

THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while deterring China.“We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.”According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank.“We’re low on tactical fucks at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.”Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline.“You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.”The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership.“We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.”Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.”The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific.“China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed to give INDOPACOM?”Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base.“We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him a CAC card, and somehow five years later he'd still care about something.”“That assumption was catastrophically wrong.”There is one encouraging sign.After years of recruiting difficulties, the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years.“The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.”He paused.“Obviously, retention is our concern.”Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, barracks mold, online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete.“One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official.Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to compel American industry to give a shit.Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited.“The Ukrainians used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.”Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage.“We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.”At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who leaked the classified location of America’s remaining fucks.🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation

The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them. I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately.Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.Today is your day.It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files.I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.

Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan

FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards

THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

We visit the five least friendly towns in England to get told to f**k off

A NEW survey has ranked all England’s towns by friendliness. But is it accurate? We visit the five towns lowest on the list to get told to go f**k ourselves:  Ashfield, Nottinghamshire Beginning – where else? – in the Midlands, we were in this former mining community for an hour and a half before anyone even acknowledged us, despite sinking a pint and visiting a market stall. Rude, yes, but where’s the hostility in Lee Anderson’s seat? It took almost three hours before a dog-walker told us to f**k off back to f**king London. Ipswich, Suffolk Over to the east coast and the delightful port town of Ipswich, one of the oldest in the country with a reputation of hostility to outsiders going back to 616AD when King Raedwald was invited to ‘piss off back to Norway and tell Odin he’s a wanker’. And with such a storied reputation it doesn’t disappoint; we’re told to f**k off within a mere 23 minutes! Mansfield, Nottinghamshire Disappointingly, it’s back up to Ashfield’s neighbour for another dispiriting trudge around the arsehole of England where no-one even barks obscenities at strangers. But all is forgiven when, while admiring one of the town’s many failed regeneration projects, we’re ordered to ‘f**k off out of it’ and shoved into the road after just 36 minutes loitering. Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire The renowned Potteries shithole, famous for exposing foreign footballers as pansies who hate cold, wet, grimness, surely won’t let us down. But an hour wandering around its pathetic excuse for a town centre leaves us dispirited. Are these people too broken for a simple ‘f**k off’? Thankfully, daring order a half in The Market Tavern gets us what we want. Barking and Dagenham, London Finally we land in the unfriendliest town in Britain, coincidentally strongly behind Brexit just like all the others. And gratifyingly, within a record six minutes a shaven-headed man with a pit bull straining at its lead has instructed us to ‘get the f**k out of my f**king way’. Even better, he follows it up with a swift but thorough kicking. Barking, you are a worthy winner!

Woman worried one-night stand moving too fast

A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them. Nikki Hollis, aged 28, is anxious that her spontaneous hook-up is progressing too quickly and the whirlwind of lust with a man she has just met will run its course in a matter of hours. She said: “It’s all been such a blur. We only locked eyes across the bar 45 minutes ago, now I’m back at his place snogging on the sofa. I haven’t even made lame small talk about my siblings yet. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think this could go to the bedroom. He’s been dropping subtle hints, like asking if I’ve got condoms and saying he can’t wait to shag the arse off me. So if it’s not happening he’s sending very mixed signals. “At this rate we’ll be rutting like feral dogs from 10pm, and what does that say about me as a person? Even though it’s definitely on, I don’t want him to think I’m easy. Would holding off to watch Newsnight kill the sexy vibe? “I’m not expecting anything but a night of banging then to dress silently while he snores, noiselessly close his door and wait shivering outside for an Uber. But I’d feel less of a slut if that was at 8am rather than 6.30am.” Hollis’s date Norman Steele said: “Honestly, I’m relieved Nikki’s pumping the brakes. I don’t think I’m ready for the commitment of no-strings-attached sex.”

Holiday friends or swingers? How to tell the difference

ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues:  They ask where you’re staying Normal holiday friends ascertain where you’re staying for an evening apertif. Would-be shaggers ask how thin the walls are and what angles your balcony is visible from. They may also casually ask if it has a hot tub and whether lube was packed in your hold luggage, all of which crosses the boundaries of legitimate enquiry. They joke about swinging The asides about how the four of you are always together begin early, with ‘They must think we’re the Beatles!’ and quickly degenerate into ‘They must think we’re performing an ABBA-style four-sided 69, which incidentally is a mind-blowing experience!’ Even though nobody is thinking that. Except you, now, invited back to enjoy ABBA Gold. They take a suspicious interest in your relationship Asking how long you’ve been together is normal. Asking if ‘the spark is still alive’ is a search for exploitable issues they can use to separate you, shag you both and then get you back together in time for the coach to the airport. When they ask if you’re adventurous, say you’d be open to a day trip to see how traditional cork is made to confuse them. They offer to apply your sunscreen It’s an obvious way in. Despite your wife being just there, the older hot woman is offering to rub factor 50 into your back. She’ll then ask if your wife if jealous of seeing her hands all over you, and you’ll reply ‘she’s not noticed, she’s really absorbed in that Elena Ferrante.’ If she asks if you’re open-minded, admit you do sometimes flick over to Channel 5. They invite you to their villa Not inherently bad, especially if you’re on an all-inclusive and bored of the food. Until it turns out all they’re serving is wine and they ‘like to be relaxed’ by which they mean naked. Act like you’ve not noticed and make conversation about whether 40 euros is too much for a boat trip to the blue cave. They suggest a couples’ game night A regular couples’ game night involves booze, nibbles wine and someone getting disproportionately angry about Pictionary. A suspicious couples’ game night involves phrases such as ‘we don’t really use the conventional rules’. When they produce those weird dice with sexual instructions on them it’s time to say you’re only up for Uno. They keep saying ‘no pressure’ A red, flashing warning. Nobody says ‘no pressure’ before suggesting a game of cards or nap back at the villa. At this point, smile politely, finish your drink and announce that you’re both off to bed. If they reply ‘Already?’ they’re swingers.

Britain demands new TV show about expensive homes not selling

Gen Alpha discovers Lemmy was not a religious figure

13-YEAR-OLDS are learning that Lemmy, widely known as St Kilmister of Motörhead, was not canonised by any major church and their fathers were lying.  Josh Hudson had grown up believing tales of paralysed rockers rising from their wheelchairs and walking, healed by the sheer force of Lemmy’s noise assault, only to learn on Wikipedia he was nothing but the bassist in a metal band. He said: “So the whole bit about him wearing his warts with pride because he refused to use his holy powers to heal himself? That was just bollocks? “I thought he had to be some sort of divine hermit because why else would he have that facial hair? Instead I’ve learned he spent his life on speed and collected Nazi regalia. It’s quite the comedown.” Father Wayne said: “I brought Josh up to play music loud, not trust the government, and stay away from the needle. “If he got confused and thought Lemmy said all that from a cloud in heaven and not on a string of albums from 1977 to 2015 that helped shape the genre of metal and never dipped in quality, that’s on him.” Josh said: “It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real. From now on I’m only taking life advice from the music of my generation, sensible stuff about dealing and going to prison for knife crime.”

People shared the aspects of British life that TV and film makers always get wrong – 23 especially irritating on-screen fails

Anyone who grew up watching Neighbours has got a very particular image of Australia as a place full of swimming pools, diminutive female mechanics and zero ethnic diversity. Some of which is true, but not all. And people from other countries watching TV shows and films set in the UK are getting a similarly warped […] The Poke.

‘What is your biggest low-stake conspiracy on the UK?’ – 23 very inconsequential hypotheses about life in Britain

Conspiracy theories tend to be about big things like governments keeping the existence of aliens from us or the earth being flat. Big, and also silly. But some people enjoy speculating about the possible explanations for smaller, less potentially world changing events. Which is ultimately more fun than watching hours of YouTube videos about the […] The Poke.

‘What’s one thing you miss being free in the UK that isn’t anymore?’ – 23 things that we tragically no longer get for nothing

The best things in life are free, as Luther Van Dross and Janet Jackson once sang, but they seem to be very few and far between these days. They’ve been discussing the lack of gratis pleasures in life after Mysterious-Snow1414 posed this question on the AskUK subreddit: ‘What’s one thing you miss being free in […] The Poke.

Someone suggested modern day Brits would have tested Roman soldiers’ loyalty to Caesar and it prompted some very funny and totally on-point responses

Over on Twitter someone’s been doing a little bit of time-travelling, suggesting that modern day Brits would have tested Roman soldiers’ loyalty to Caesar. Specifically, this ‘modern day Brit’, as posted by history (well, sort of) Twitter account @UpdatingOnRome. It’s August of 55 BC. You land on the foggy island of Britannia. The first thing […] The Poke.

Donald Trump tried to shut down a woman reporter and she just kept going anyway and it was simply brilliant

To the White House now, where Donald Trump does that thing when a reporter – specifically, a woman reporter – asked a question he didn’t like. He immediately verbally abused them while trying to turn the rest of the room against them. Except in this case, CNN reporter Kristen Holmes, decided to keep going anyway […] The Poke.