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Satirical News Headlines

Satirical News Headlines

1

Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce

AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation’s friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. “We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce made us realize just how much we could really use a friend right now,” said 41-year-old Greg Whipple, who spoke on behalf of all former college buddies looking to reconnect after the recent dissolution of their marriages left them with both too much free time and no support system. “We’re going through a rough patch and really need constant validation to fill the void in our newly single lives. We’d love to meet up for a drink—heck, let’s make it a weekly thing. Also, please be aware that texting us something generic like ‘Sorry to hear that!’ will be met with emotional four-paragraph responses from here on out.” The friends added that they knew your marriage was solid, but said if that ever changed, they knew a really great lawyer.

The post Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce appeared first on The Onion.

Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food

HARTFORD CITY, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. “Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are perfectly good fries sitting right here on the plate that I could be chewing instead,” said Neel, pouring huge glugs of Pepsi into his mouth in a futile attempt to force the bolus of food down his throat and expedite the eating process. “God, this is such bullshit. I want to eat the fries now! Food should just fall straight into your tummy, like how whales eat. Enough with this chewing nonsense. Fuck!” At press time, witnesses confirmed that a purple-faced Neel was in the process of choking to death after he attempted to swallow a recklessly large mass of partially chewed hamburger in a single desperate gulp.

The post Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food appeared first on The Onion.

Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room

MILAN—Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. “Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a look at Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians and didn’t hear you knocking,” Danish skier Christian Borgnæs said as he nudged a box containing various sex toys, ribbed condoms, and leather riding crops under the bed on which, moments earlier, he had been stuffing his penis and fingers into the hungry orifices of four of his fellow Olympians. “Yep, just studying God’s word and discussing how we can glorify Him as athletes. Totally cool if you’re not into this Bible stuff and want to leave us to it. It’s honestly all pretty boring. Close the door behind you?” According to reports, American curler Danny Casper responded by pulling up a book of hymns on his phone and enthusiastically leading the aroused, alkyl-nitrite-addled athletes in a rendition of “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”

The post Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room appeared first on The Onion.

Pepper-wrongi

The post Pepper-wrongi appeared first on The Onion.

Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact

“Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing. 

MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger.

FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is a troubling component of incel subculture.

FACT: Looksmaxxing is probably the least troubling part of incel subculture.

MYTH: If you have a negative canthal tilt, women will find you repulsive.

FACT: If you won’t shut the fuck up about canthal tilts, women will find you repulsive.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is an unhealthy grasp for control amid economic and social instability.

FACT: Sounds like someone just got mogged.

MYTH: Limb-lengthening surgery is a reasonable option for men who want to be taller.

FACT: You can achieve far better results tying yourself between two horses.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is a repackaging of body dysmorphia for men.

FACT: Looksmaxxing is a repackaging of body dysmorphia for everyone.

The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

2

Canadian Government Praised For Euthanizing Nickelback

OTTAWA — The international community had reportedly changed its tune on assisted suicide, even going so far as to openly praise Canada following an announcement by Prime Minister Mark Carney that they had successfully euthanized Nickelback.

In Historic First, Socialist Runs Out Of Money

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani reported a projected $5.4 billion budget gap, marking the first time in recorded history that a socialist has ever run out of money.

Desperate John Bolton Throws Stink Bomb Into Trump's Board Of Peace Meeting

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the fate of the Middle East hanging in the balance and concerns rising that war with Iran could be imminent, a desperate John Bolton was seen throwing a stink bomb into President Donald Trump's inaugural "Board of Peace" meeting.

Prince Andrew Joins UK Muslim Rape Gang So He Can Keep Abusing Young Girls

LONDON — In a stunning twist that experts said could prevent him from facing prosecution for ties to deceased billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor joined a UK Muslim rape gang so he could keep abusing young girls.

8 Brilliant Things To Suggest That Your Wife Give Up For Lent

Catholic or not, there's nothing wrong with encouraging your wife to participate in Lent. While there may be a wide variety of things she could give up, there are a few things that could really work out well for you.

3

Unsettling: Your Amazon Package Came Too Fast

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

Beautiful: This Man Texts The Home Depot Chatbot ‘Goodnight’ Every Night At 10 PM Sharp
Not Him Too! The CEO Of Sex Trafficking Inc. Has Stepped Down After Incriminating Emails Between Him And Jeffrey Epstein Surfaced

Since the DOJ released its newest batch of documents concerning the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, multiple prominent individuals have stepped down due to their appearance in the files, and it seems like the fallout isn’t over yet: The CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc. has just stepped down after emails between him and Jeffrey Epstein surfaced.

Oh no! Looks like another one bites the dust.

Despite his image as a clean cut, by-the-books businessman, it seems that longtime CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., William “Gropemaster” Pervert, may have been partaking in nefarious activity, as newly released documents show a years-long friendship with the late Jeffrey Epstein. The 500-plus emails between the two show that Mr. Pervert allegedly visited Epstein’s island at least 50 times, always bringing with him young girls he’d sex trafficked through his company Sex Trafficking Inc., which is not only a conflict of interest in violation of his noncompete clause, but a major overreach of his corporate powers as well.

Check out the message posted on Sex Trafficking Inc.’s socials below:

A Note To The Sex Trafficking Inc. Community

In light of the recently released documents pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein, Sex Trafficking Inc. CEO William “Gropemaster” Pervert has ended his 32-year career with Sex Trafficking Inc.

We at Sex Trafficking Inc. had no knowledge of Mr. Pervert’s behavior nor his friendship with Mr. Epstein. Through his relationship with a convicted sex offender, Mr. Pervert has let down not only the good people working under him at Sex Trafficking Inc., but the entire sex trafficking community. 

Most upsetting is that the files revealed the many times Mr. Pervert overstepped his corporate bounds, including times he asked those in Sex Trafficking Inc.’s Sex Crimes division to aid his personal sex crimes. At Sex Trafficking Inc. we do not take this lightly, as employees may only use company trafficking resources (funds, planes, threats of intimidation) for professional sex crimes. Never personal ones.

We have always taken very seriously the core tenets of our company—veracity, honor, and devotion—and we acknowledge that Mr. Pervert’s actions did not reflect these values. We’re deeply sorry for any harm Mr. Pervert’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein may have caused, and we look forward to returning to sharing sex trafficking tips and tricks under the guidance of a new CEO very soon.

Wow… Who could have seen this coming?! If Jeffrey Epstein managed to befriend the CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., it just goes to show how truly embedded the late financier was in elite society, and just how far his disturbing influence may have reached.

Another FBI Blunder: Kash Patel Has Apologized After Prematurely Announcing That Nancy Guthrie Was Just Stuck In Jumanji

It’s been over two weeks since Nancy Guthrie was kidnapped, and the Guthrie family is still without answers. Now, thanks to a reckless blunder committed by Trump’s appointed FBI Director, public faith in the case’s investigators is fading fast: Kash Patel has apologized after prematurely announcing that Nancy Guthrie was just stuck in Jumanji.

Yikes. Where the hell did President Trump even find this guy? Kash Patel just made a horrible situation so much worse!

At an emergency press conference held this morning, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that “law enforcement has confirmed Nancy Guthrie is just stuck in Jumanji, the supernatural board game from the 1995 Robin Williams’ movie of the same name.” This was a declaration that Patel would walk back 45 minutes later, after further examination of the evidence and dissection of several YouTube clips from the 1995 action-adventure film disproved any and all connections between the fictional board game Jumanji and Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. 

“I’d like to apologize to the Guthrie family for any false hope I may have given them when I pointed out that Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji disappeared for 26 years, but it turned out he just got sucked into the board game and had to live in a jungle until another player rolled a five or eight. I was 1000% certain Nancy was in the exact same situation, but in actuality, I spoke without verifying all the facts at hand,” explained Patel in a retraction of his statement.

“Earlier today, I instructed employees across the FBI to drop what they were doing and try to roll fives and eights with board game dice in order to bring Nancy back from the jungle. This order was given even despite the risk of a lion coming out of the board game with her, like what happened in the Robin Williams movie—it was a risk we were willing to take if it meant reuniting her with her family,” Patel continued. “While I regret the distraction my theory caused, the Guthrie family can at least take solace in knowing that Nancy is NOT in the jungle from Jumanji, which the FBI has proven beyond all doubt as of today.”

You really, really hate to see people like this in charge of America’s federal law enforcement…Kash Patel is setting the FBI’s reputation back by decades.

How someone this profoundly incompetent wound up in charge of the FBI is a question we, as a nation, need to address. Look, if we’re Nancy Guthrie’s family, we are hiring a private military company ASAP, because we are not feeling good about her chances with Kash Patel running things. Otherwise, all we can say is that we are praying for Nancy’s safe return home, and for her captors to be brought to justice immediately!

5 Times In The ‘Melania’ Documentary Where Melania Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In A Car Window

While the controversial documentary Melania has been heavily criticized and bombarded with negative reviews, it does have some interesting moments. Here are six times in the Melania documentary where Melania accidentally rolls her face up in a car window. 

1. Before The Opening Credits Roll

In an interesting creative choice by the film’s director, we see Melania’s face being rolled up in a car window before the film’s credits even roll. Melania is shown in the back of a limousine waving to a group of fans through an open window, which she then begins to roll up while her head is still hanging well outside the limo. “How do I stop it doing that?!” she shouts to no one in particular, panicking while her lips and ears are fully rolled up in the closed window, the bunched-up skin pinched in the window looking like an elephant ear pastry flopping up and down outside the car with every bump it hits. For a film so universally panned as being an overpriced fluff piece with no real substance, it’s actually a pretty fascinating opening scene. 

2. When She’s Being Driven To Trump’s Inauguration And Her Hat Is Too Big For Her Head To Fit In The Limousine So She Drives With It Hanging Out Of The Window And Accidentally Hits The Power Window Switch

The film centers around Trump’s second inauguration, and while everyone certainly remembers the meme-able black-and-white wide-brimmed hat she wore that nearly covered her entire face, there was apparently more to the story. The hat’s huge proportions meant that Melania couldn’t fit her head inside the car that was taking her to the inauguration, so she was forced to ride to the Capitol with her head hanging out of the window like a dog. Unfortunately, she accidentally leaned on the power window switch, causing her face to be quickly crushed by the presidential limo’s bulletproof glass. Apparently, an image of the iconic hat and Melania’s face skin hanging out of the barely cracked window like a cheap Halloween mask was actually used on the first draft of the film’s movie poster, but the filmmakers decided that they didn’t want to spoil such a pivotal scene and ended up scrapping it. 

3. When Melania Is Discussing How Proud She Is Of Barron While A Car Window Slowly Rolls Up On Her Face And Twists Her Head A Full 90 Degrees

While the film offers little substance about Trump and Melania’s only child together, Melania does make it clear she is proud of her son. A pride which, apparently, is capable of distracting her from the fact her face is being crushed by the window of a car while speaking about him. After Melania’s skull finally overwhelms the car window’s motor and stops it from rolling up any farther, Melania says through her bunched-up cheeks with her head at a perfect right angle from her neck, “My son’s name is Barron.” It’s an interesting scene which offers a perspective on motherhood rarely seen in film. 

4. When She Is Riding In The Hearse Carrying Jimmy Carter’s Body During His Funeral Procession For Some Reason And Intentionally Rolls Her Face Up In The Hearse Window So She Doesn’t Inhale His Ghost 

While most of the times Melania rolls her face up in a car window in Melania are accidental, there is one instance where she does it intentionally. During a scene covering the Trumps’ attendance of Jimmy Carter’s funeral service in Washington, Melania finds herself riding along with Carter’s casket in the hearse driving him to his final resting place for an unexplained reason. Melania glances back at the casket stowed in the back of the hearse with fear, rolls down her window, and then immediately rolls it back up leaving only her lips and nose outside. She explains via narration that, “I don’t want to breathe in the ghost so I do this.” Knowing a bit about Melania’s superstitions and the lengths she’ll go to avoid inhaling ghosts actually helps humanize the First Lady who is often criticized for appearing cold and robotic. 

5. When She’s On A Video Call With French First Lady Brigitte Macron Discussing Cyberbullying And Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In Her Car Window And Blames It On Cyberbullying 

Much of the film focuses on the First Lady’s attempts to help children, and at one point she consults with French First Lady Brigitte Macron and takes notes on France’s initiatives to combat cyberbullying. Unfortunately, as Macron is explaining that France has banned all social media for children under 11, Melania begins holding down her car’s power window switch and the car’s glass takes hold of most of Melania’s facial skin. The French First Lady watches helplessly while screaming, “Let go! Let go of the window button!” but in the panic the translators facilitating the call accidentally tell Melania to, “Push it harder! Push the window button harder!” resulting in Melania’s entire face temporarily being separated from her skull. After 15 minutes of struggling, Melania is finally able to pull her facial skin back over her skull and finish the call. Apparently unaware that the French First Lady was witness to the entire thing, Melania explains, “Sorry I was gone. I was just victim of a cyberbullying.” Say what you will about Melania being nothing more than a legal bribe by Amazon to President Trump, but there are at least a few scenes here that are nothing like anything you’ve seen before. 

4

Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative
Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative

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Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon
VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

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VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon
VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon
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Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard
Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard

WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today.

“We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.”

During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House.

“As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT_CITY_FINAL_v7_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we used live ammunition for realism, so people still died for no reason.”

Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to influence foreign countries may actually lead to better outcomes.

“Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.”

Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear in the defense budget, though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.'

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Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries

Take the surveyWhat’s most affecting retention right now?

1. Pay that doesn’t survive contact with rent
2. Leadership that learned nothing from the last survey
3. Housing that inspectors agree is “acceptable”
4. Being treated like a child with a clearance

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Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
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Budget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cord
Every penny counts.
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries

Comic Sans named official font of Department of War
Comic Sans named official font of Department of War

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead.

The letter read:

Hey warriors, losers, and ladies,

The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!!

By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans.

Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.”

“It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.”

The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!”

“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”

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Cyclist bemoans lack of jeopardy in cycle lane

A CYCLIST used to weaving in and out of traffic has criticised cycle lanes for being too safe.

Lycra-clad Nathan Muir, 37, has slammed local authorities for wasting money on boring cycle routes with no interesting obstacles or the potential for exciting clashes with motorists.

Muir said: “What could take the fun and joie de vivre out of cycling more than allocating a section of the road purely to bikes?

“The thrill of cutting up cars by swerving across lanes has gone. Also the buzz of edging awkwardly through stationary traffic. There are even patronising little arrows telling you which way to go. Pure infantilisation. Why not just make me use stabilisers?

“Believe, me, I’ve tried to like cycle lanes. Me and my cyclist friends formed a two-abreast peloton for maximum obnoxiousness and not a single motorist cared. And stuck in the cycle lane you can’t enjoy coasting through red lights. No beeps, no screamed obscenities. I’m starting to wonder what the point of having a bike is.

“In traffic I go where I want, when I want. In a cycle lane it’s just so restrictive. Good luck flicking sweat onto motorists’ precious paintwork when they’re four feet away.

“It’s no wonder every cyclist I know refuses to use them. Although by taking up space they’ve made the roads more congested, which is how I like them. Oh God, it all makes sense now.”

Phones, cars, PlayStations: All the things you won’t have shortly because of AI

A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.

Phones

Your smartphone, which you use for so many things from communication to satnav to music to video? Hang onto your old one, because AI is more important than all of those uses so there won’t be new phones anymore. Drop it down the loo and you’re on a landline, mate. Good news though – your phone now has AI on it!

Gaming consoles

Remember how they used to launch new generations of these? Been a while, hasn’t it? That’s because AI’s had all the chips so you’re stuck with your dusty Xbox Series X forever, though it’s not like there are new games either. Never mind though, adaptive AI gaming is coming and it’ll be incredible in 15-20 years.

Cars

There was never any possible downside to making all cars computerised, apart from persistent software issues and incredibly expensive dealer-only services, but improbably one has now emerged. A minor shunt will now see your vehicle off the road for eight months while new memory chips are imported. Self-driving taxi, sir?

Laptops

We’ve had such an abundance of laptops, haven’t we? No doubt you’ve got a forgotten one on a shelf somewhere. Dig out that bad boy because the business and consumer markets come second to keeping the AI bubble inflated! Want to know why? Consult the AI shoehorned into your browser, spreadsheets, word processor and notes app.

Vital defence systems

As Russia has learned, these days an army marches on its microchips. Everything from drones to missiles are controlled by computer and tragically few of them survive impact. So costly national defence systems will stay a few steps behind as AI rightly takes precedence, apart from China where the state prioritises differently.

Banking

Finally. Global financial systems have been treated to the best of everything for too long. The architecture that controls the world’s money and keeps capitalism from collapsing into feudalism can be left to creak a bit. Has banking gone AI? No, oddly they’ve been reluctant to let hallucinating chatbots nobody understands run their systems. Not sure why.

Andrew wondering what this strange wetness appearing on his body is

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.

Following his arrest today for alleged misconduct in public office, the former prince is unable to understand why there is a peculiar salty smell and liquid coming from his palms and armpits.

Mountbatten-Windsor said: “I am glistening, damp, positively humid. Haven’t been this way since that adrenaline rush in the Falklands, but then I had Argentinian missiles up my arse. Heaven knows what I’ll have up my arse if the worst comes to the worst.

“I asked a copper – one of His Majesty’s finest, oh the irony – what it was and he said ‘perspiration’. I said that’s not possible. Or is it like the divine right of kings where I lost my magical abilities with my title? This is the worst birthday ever.

“I’m used to pools of sticky liquid appearing on my body but usually in very different circumstances. And it’s bloody inconsiderate arresting me today of all days. I shall be demanding a full apology. 

“Still, I’m sure this can all be easily explained away in court. Everyone was totally convinced by my Pizza Express explanation.”

How to start a business, fail, and still walk away rich, by the founders of Brewdog

BREWDOG is being sold, but its losses could make small investors’ shares worthless. Luckily the founders are still incredibly rich, so here they explain how to fail lucratively.

Be edgy

Investors love anything ‘edgy’, so naturally they were impressed by ‘Punk IPA’. Sure, craft beer has absolutely nothing to do with punk and you won’t find any songs by The Clash about India pale ale with a hint of lychee. But at least beer is cooler than Punk Dishwasher Tablets.

Overpromise 

We made the mistake of creating a good product which is physically real. Elon Musk has taken the more efficient approach of focusing on products that exist purely in his imagination, such as moon cities and robots that actually work. So it seems the best thing to do is think ludicrously big. What about a teleportation hat that also makes people fancy you? Set up some meetings with investors, you can fill in the details later. 

Remember to pay yourself in real money  

Make sure you sell plenty of your shares for real money to put in your bank account before everything goes tits-up. The last thing you want is to be heavily invested in your own brilliant business idea.

Only have one good idea

We can all learn from Mark Zuckerberg, who came up with the excellent idea of staying in touch with your friends and relatives via simple text chats on Facebook, with some handy features like reminding you about birthdays. Once you’ve had your good idea, move on to shit ones like the Metaverse and AI glasses. It doesn’t matter if they fail disastrously because you’re already worth $264 billion.

Remember the media has no critical thinking skills

Especially true of tech companies, but it applies to any business which is vaguely interesting or zeitgeisty. Do you predict your part-time dog-walking franchise will soon be worth £6 trillion? Sky News won’t bother to google it.

Spend insane amounts of money

You may recall James Dyson’s headphones with an air-purifying mask that no one wanted because they cost £900 and made you look like Bane. That easily cost him tens of millions, but if you’re a visionary entrepreneur mistakes don’t matter. Splash £20 million on R&D for your pet project of a smart duvet that climbs inside the cover by itself.

Don’t be a boring businessperson 

The master of this was Adam Neumann, founder of WeWork, the flexible office space start-up. Adam openly did weed and tequila shots in meetings, and was so different to a typical businessman everyone forgot there weren’t enough hipster freelancers and renting a desk is a pointless faff anyway. When WeWork went bankrupt he walked away with $1 billion. A true business genius.

Man’s favourite sex positions the lazy ones

A MAN’S preferred positions for intercourse are the ones where he can lie back and enjoy the view, it has emerged.

When asked by his girlfriend to share his favourite sex positions, Tom Booker revealed that he likes the ones that require minimum effort on his part but still feel pleasurable as far as his penis is concerned.

Booker said: “What’s it called where I lie back with my arms behind my head while my partner does all the work? That one’s incredible. I can even look at my phone at the same time.

“If I’m feeling adventurous or it’s her birthday, I might roll onto my side while my other half bucks away and sorts herself out. It’s not quite as good though because the arm I’m lying on might go numb. Good relationships are all about compromise though.

“Positions where I have to get on my knees or use my hands are the worst. They make me all sweaty and I tend to feel a bit sore afterwards. That doesn’t make me a bad lover though, in fact it’s kink-shaming to even suggest that.

“As for anything beyond the bed, forget about it. Falling asleep immediately after I’ve been seen to is the best part.”

Booker’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I like reverse cowgirl. Or as Tom calls it, ‘the one that’s like having a sexy nap’.”

7

This woman’s unexpected reason for not voting Green is the most gloriously British thing you’ll see this week

Journalist Owen Jones has gone to Gorton and Denton to check the political waters before next week’s keenly-anticipated by-election. And we mention him because of this particular exchange which has just gone viral for reasons that will surely become obvious. It’s a vote who said she knew one thing – she wouldn’t be voting Green […]

The post This woman’s unexpected reason for not voting Green is the most gloriously British thing you’ll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

You surely won’t see a funnier photo finish at the Winter Olympics or any race, anywhere

We hope you’ve been enjoying the Winter Olympics as much as we have (which is to say, a lot). But here was a moment we missed but might already be our favourite 15 seconds of the games. It’s one particular speed skating contest which went right down to the wire in the most spectacular – […]

The post You surely won’t see a funnier photo finish at the Winter Olympics or any race, anywhere appeared first on The Poke.

This sports presenter’s blistering take on racism in football after the latest on-field outrage is an important, essential watch

You do not need to be a football fan to be aware of the shocking on-field scenes this week after a plane was allegedly racist abused in the UEFA Champions League Vinícius Júnior and his Real Madrid teammates appeared ready to walk off after Benfica’s Gianluca said something to him while covering his mouth. pic.twitter.com/PaAUQz8xdG […]

The post This sports presenter’s blistering take on racism in football after the latest on-field outrage is an important, essential watch appeared first on The Poke.

‘Is there something you heard/saw/read once that now lives rent-free in your head?’ – 21 annoyingly unforgettable experiences

The human brain is a strange thing, capable of everything from figuring out quantum mechanics to telling your body how to do a handspring double front flip in gymnastics. But it’s also able to do more annoying feats too, like never let you forget the most useless of things. Over on the AskUK subreddit, OpenCantaloupe4790 […]

The post ‘Is there something you heard/saw/read once that now lives rent-free in your head?’ – 21 annoyingly unforgettable experiences appeared first on The Poke.

Whoever did this week’s especially on-point Private Eye cover, take the rest of the week off

Unprecedented breaking news today that the Andrew formally known as Prince has been arrested by police on suspicion of misconduct in public office. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor – celebrating (kind of) his 66th birthday today – was arrested by police investigating the former prince’s dealings with the convicted child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The former prince, who […]

The post Whoever did this week’s especially on-point Private Eye cover, take the rest of the week off appeared first on The Poke.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información y las redes sociales, es común encontrar una amplia gama de teorías de conspiración que circulan en línea, y los avistamientos de OVNIs no son la excepción. Muchas personas afirman haber presenciado avistamientos de objetos voladores no identificados en el cielo, lo que alimenta la especulación y la intriga en torno a la posible existencia de vida extraterrestre.

En la era de la información y las redes sociales, es común encontrar una amplia gama de teorías de conspiración que circulan en línea, y los avistamientos de OVNIs no son la excepción. Muchas personas afirman haber presenciado avistamientos de objetos voladores no identificados en el cielo, lo que alimenta la especulación y la intriga en torno a la posible existencia de vida extraterrestre.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información digital, es crucial ser capaz de discernir entre noticias verídicas y titulares engañosos o falsos. La desinformación, también conocida como fake news, se ha convertido en un problema cada vez más común en las plataformas de redes sociales y en internet en general. Identificar titulares engañosos es fundamental para no caer en la trampa de la desinformación.

En la era de la información digital, es crucial ser capaz de discernir entre noticias verídicas y titulares engañosos o falsos. La desinformación, también conocida como fake news, se ha convertido en un problema cada vez más común en las plataformas de redes sociales y en internet en general. Identificar titulares engañosos es fundamental para no caer en la trampa de la desinformación.

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2 years ago
En el mundo digital en el que vivimos, es muy común encontrarse con una gran cantidad de información que circula en línea, algunas de las cuales pueden ser falsas o engañosas. Los bulos, leyendas urbanas y mitos son contenidos que se comparten ampliamente en internet y es importante aprender a detectarlos y desmentirlos.

En el mundo digital en el que vivimos, es muy común encontrarse con una gran cantidad de información que circula en línea, algunas de las cuales pueden ser falsas o engañosas. Los bulos, leyendas urbanas y mitos son contenidos que se comparten ampliamente en internet y es importante aprender a detectarlos y desmentirlos.

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2 years ago
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En la actualidad, vivimos en un mundo inundado de información, donde es cada vez más fácil acceder a una gran cantidad de datos en cuestión de segundos. Sin embargo, no toda la información que circula es verídica, y es importante aprender a detectar las falsedades y hoax que pueden afectar nuestra salud, especialmente en lo que respecta a los productos de salud y bienestar.

Read More →
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En la era de la información digital, es fundamental aprender a discernir entre lo real y lo falso. Esto es especialmente importante cuando se trata de productos y afirmaciones que vemos en línea. Con la proliferación de la desinformación, es crucial contar con las habilidades necesarias para detectar posibles engaños y verificar la veracidad de las afirmaciones de los productos.

Read More →
2 years ago
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En la actualidad, con el aumento del uso de internet y las redes sociales, es más común que nunca encontrarse con estafas financieras y noticias falsas que intentan engañar a las personas desprevenidas. Por eso, es importante aprender a detectar y desacreditar estos engaños para proteger nuestro patrimonio y nuestra información personal.

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2 years ago
Cómo detectar bulos en Internet: Identificando engaños en línea

Cómo detectar bulos en Internet: Identificando engaños en línea

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2 years ago
En la era de la información rápida y constante a través de internet y las redes sociales, es fundamental contar con fuentes confiables al momento de evaluar la precisión de las noticias. Ante la proliferación de noticias falsas y desinformación, es crucial saber cómo distinguir entre fuentes confiables y no confiables.

En la era de la información rápida y constante a través de internet y las redes sociales, es fundamental contar con fuentes confiables al momento de evaluar la precisión de las noticias. Ante la proliferación de noticias falsas y desinformación, es crucial saber cómo distinguir entre fuentes confiables y no confiables.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información digital abrumadora en la que vivimos, es fundamental ser críticos y selectivos a la hora de consumir noticias. Ante la proliferación de noticias falsas y desinformación, es crucial verificar la fiabilidad de las fuentes antes de dar por válido un artículo o historia.

En la era de la información digital abrumadora en la que vivimos, es fundamental ser críticos y selectivos a la hora de consumir noticias. Ante la proliferación de noticias falsas y desinformación, es crucial verificar la fiabilidad de las fuentes antes de dar por válido un artículo o historia.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información rápida y abundante, es crucial ser capaz de discernir entre fuentes confiables y no confiables de noticias. La proliferación de información falsa y sesgada ha puesto de relieve la importancia de evaluar la fiabilidad de los medios de comunicación.

En la era de la información rápida y abundante, es crucial ser capaz de discernir entre fuentes confiables y no confiables de noticias. La proliferación de información falsa y sesgada ha puesto de relieve la importancia de evaluar la fiabilidad de los medios de comunicación.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información digital, es fundamental verificar la veracidad de la información que consumimos. Con la proliferación de las redes sociales y las noticias falsas, es crucial recurrir a fuentes confiables y contrastar la información obtenida de múltiples fuentes.

En la era de la información digital, es fundamental verificar la veracidad de la información que consumimos. Con la proliferación de las redes sociales y las noticias falsas, es crucial recurrir a fuentes confiables y contrastar la información obtenida de múltiples fuentes.

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2 years ago
En la era de la información instantánea y la proliferación de las noticias falsas, es más importante que nunca poder identificar fuentes confiables de noticias. Con la cantidad abrumadora de información disponible en línea, es vital poder discernir entre lo verdadero y lo falso para estar bien informados.

En la era de la información instantánea y la proliferación de las noticias falsas, es más importante que nunca poder identificar fuentes confiables de noticias. Con la cantidad abrumadora de información disponible en línea, es vital poder discernir entre lo verdadero y lo falso para estar bien informados.

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