The post U.S. Populace Appoints Designated Survivor appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to protect visitors to the violently contested territories south of the U.S. border, the State Department advised American tourists on Monday to temporarily avoid shootouts with Mexican drug cartels. “While at this time, we see no need for American travelers to cancel their vacations, we do strongly recommend that they refrain from exchanging gunfire with pistoleros from the Sinaloa Cartel or any other drug-trafficking enterprise with paramilitary capabilities,” said State Department spokesperson Hannah Griffin, who added that the Mexican military’s killing of the leader of the notorious Jalisco New Generation Cartel had inflamed the region and made the situation far more precarious for tourists hoping to carry out targeted assassinations and public executions of collaborators. “We’re not officially prohibiting American visitors from ambushing a group of soldados in the back of a pickup truck and publicly displaying their severed heads to intimidate police who might investigate. But we are suggesting that U.S. visitors focus on keeping themselves safe and, for the time being, leave their AK-47s in their hotel rooms.” Griffin later emphasized that once the situation in Mexico had stabilized, American tourists would be welcome to resume murdering with impunity.

The post U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels appeared first on The Onion.

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If passed into law, the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act will create new barriers to voting in federal elections by requiring documentation of citizenship to register and imposing strict photo-identification rules at polling places. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the SAVE America Act.

Q: What is the goal of the bill?

A: To ensure the pristine integrity of American elections by making sure they never happen again.

Q: What form of ID can be used to confirm citizenship?

A: NRA membership cards.

Q: Is the Senate expected to pass the SAVE America Act?

A: Depends on which senators die between now and the vote.

Q: Where’s my birth certificate?

A: Did you check the bottom drawer of the living room cabinet? There should be a purple folder underneath all those old receipts.

Q: Why did Trump endorse it?

A: To stop the many thousands of immigrants who aren’t here anymore from voting.

The post What To Know About The SAVE America Act appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Saying his advocacy for consuming animal products had painted a target on his back, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Monday that anti-protein extremists had left a head of lettuce on his doorstep. “Yesterday morning when my wife went out to get the paper, she discovered a gruesome threat left by radical herbivores attempting to intimidate me,” a visibly shaken Kennedy said at a press conference, adding that the FBI was processing the head of iceberg lettuce for fingerprints and would investigate the incident as an act of suspected anti-protein terrorism. “I never had any illusions that ending the War on Protein would go unanswered by these enemies of muscle mass. Nonetheless, I’m shocked by this brazen and disgusting attack on my family. I felt so sick after seeing those leafy greens that I couldn’t even finish my plate of raw liver. But I will not be cowed by this heinous provocation. I will continue fighting for Americans’ right to consume protein no matter how many cabbages, zucchinis, or stalks of celery these monsters wield against me.” Eyewitnesses reported that Kennedy ended the press conference by defiantly chugging a glass of raw hamburger.

The post RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA, GA — While speaking at the Rialto Center for the Arts as part of promotion for his new memoir, Young Man in a Hurry: A Memoir of Discovery, California Governor Gavin Newsom wowed a black audience by putting some hot sauce into his purple drank.

After a tough stretch at the 2026 Winter Olympics, Canadians are understandably feeling a little down. But it's not all that bad, Canada. There are still reasons to feel good about yourselves.

SOUTH BEND, IN — According to sources, local husband and father Glenn Riverton has reportedly entered the crossword era of his life.

MILANO — As the 2026 Milano Cortina Olympics came to a close, athletes from various nations participated in the traditional send-offs for their respective sports, with the Olympic curlers being lowered into the carbon-freezing chamber until the next winter games.

MILAN, ITALY — Following their victory over Canada, the US Olympic Hockey Team has continued celebrating by melting down their gold medals to replace all their missing teeth.

Forget everything you knew about the restaurant experience, because the game has officially changed: This cafe modeled their payment system after healthcare billing so chefs, waiters, and dishwashers can invoice you separately for completely random amounts weeks to months later.

Whoa…how has no one ever thought to do this before? Going out to eat will never be the same!

Lucy’s Luncheonette isn’t just a beloved staple of downtown Fayetteville, NC: it’s the future of how restaurants bill customers. At Lucy’s, instead of flagging down a waiter to settle your bill before leaving, you’ll receive separate invoices from every employee who took part in your meal experience—including but not limited to chefs, waiters, busboys, dishwashers, and hostesses. These invoices will come in the mail at some unspecified point in the following six months, or possibly later, requesting arbitrary amounts of money that were not disclosed up-front for services itemized either as vaguely named items like “Misc. Carbohydrate,” or numeric codes with no description. 

If you ordered a sandwich and coffee at any other cafe, you’d settle the entire bill with a server before leaving, and never think about it again. At Lucy’s, you’ll receive that server’s invoice in the mail three weeks later, with a line item for refilling your water listed as “Oral Hydration Replenishment Procedure – $32.09”, among a dozen other charges. Cut to four months later, and you’ll receive another invoice from the line cook for services including cooking chicken (“Protein Thermal Processing Treatment – $6.22”) and chopping lettuce (“Vegetative Component Structural Reduction – $3.34), and so on and so forth, until the restaurant’s wait and kitchen staff have all individually charged you for every distinct action they undertook during your dining experience, from clearing your table to giving you a new napkin, that they can legally bill for.

Lucy’s unique payment system is the brainchild of its owner, William Dumas, who left a career in medical claims processing to open the cafe, inspired by what he saw working in the U.S. healthcare system.

“Knowing generally what the service is going to cost ahead of time, and paying one straightforward bill on the spot instead of numerous invoices sent sporadically over time—that wouldn’t fly in healthcare like it does in the restaurant business,” explained Dumas, who had the idea for his luncheonette’s pay model after sending a cancer patient’s unpaid bill to collections, and imagining a busboy being able to do the same to a restaurant customer. 

“I thought, ‘what if you took the drawn out, over-complicated process of medical billing, and applied it to going out for a meal?’ It’s been a very validating experience, watching our customers find themselves in credit score-tanking restaurant debt after failing to pay a thousand dollar invoice that a hostess sent them for reasons that hours and hours on the phone with our management do not help clarify whatsoever.”

Needless to say, the dining experience is about to be revolutionized in a huge, huge way.

Don’t be surprised if the entire food industry adopts this cafe’s healthcare-inspired pay model soon, from fine dining establishments to coffee shops. Props to Lucy’s Luncheonette for daring to think outside the box!

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

Since the DOJ released its newest batch of documents concerning the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, multiple prominent individuals have stepped down due to their appearance in the files, and it seems like the fallout isn’t over yet: The CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc. has just stepped down after emails between him and Jeffrey Epstein surfaced.

Oh no! Looks like another one bites the dust.

Despite his image as a clean cut, by-the-books businessman, it seems that longtime CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., William “Gropemaster” Pervert, may have been partaking in nefarious activity, as newly released documents show a years-long friendship with the late Jeffrey Epstein. The 500-plus emails between the two show that Mr. Pervert allegedly visited Epstein’s island at least 50 times, always bringing with him young girls he’d sex trafficked through his company Sex Trafficking Inc., which is not only a conflict of interest in violation of his noncompete clause, but a major overreach of his corporate powers as well.

Check out the message posted on Sex Trafficking Inc.’s socials below:

A Note To The Sex Trafficking Inc. Community

In light of the recently released documents pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein, Sex Trafficking Inc. CEO William “Gropemaster” Pervert has ended his 32-year career with Sex Trafficking Inc.

We at Sex Trafficking Inc. had no knowledge of Mr. Pervert’s behavior nor his friendship with Mr. Epstein. Through his relationship with a convicted sex offender, Mr. Pervert has let down not only the good people working under him at Sex Trafficking Inc., but the entire sex trafficking community. 

Most upsetting is that the files revealed the many times Mr. Pervert overstepped his corporate bounds, including times he asked those in Sex Trafficking Inc.’s Sex Crimes division to aid his personal sex crimes. At Sex Trafficking Inc. we do not take this lightly, as employees may only use company trafficking resources (funds, planes, threats of intimidation) for professional sex crimes. Never personal ones.

We have always taken very seriously the core tenets of our company—veracity, honor, and devotion—and we acknowledge that Mr. Pervert’s actions did not reflect these values. We’re deeply sorry for any harm Mr. Pervert’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein may have caused, and we look forward to returning to sharing sex trafficking tips and tricks under the guidance of a new CEO very soon.

Wow… Who could have seen this coming?! If Jeffrey Epstein managed to befriend the CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., it just goes to show how truly embedded the late financier was in elite society, and just how far his disturbing influence may have reached.

It’s been over two weeks since Nancy Guthrie was kidnapped, and the Guthrie family is still without answers. Now, thanks to a reckless blunder committed by Trump’s appointed FBI Director, public faith in the case’s investigators is fading fast: Kash Patel has apologized after prematurely announcing that Nancy Guthrie was just stuck in Jumanji.

Yikes. Where the hell did President Trump even find this guy? Kash Patel just made a horrible situation so much worse!

At an emergency press conference held this morning, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that “law enforcement has confirmed Nancy Guthrie is just stuck in Jumanji, the supernatural board game from the 1995 Robin Williams’ movie of the same name.” This was a declaration that Patel would walk back 45 minutes later, after further examination of the evidence and dissection of several YouTube clips from the 1995 action-adventure film disproved any and all connections between the fictional board game Jumanji and Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. 

“I’d like to apologize to the Guthrie family for any false hope I may have given them when I pointed out that Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji disappeared for 26 years, but it turned out he just got sucked into the board game and had to live in a jungle until another player rolled a five or eight. I was 1000% certain Nancy was in the exact same situation, but in actuality, I spoke without verifying all the facts at hand,” explained Patel in a retraction of his statement.

“Earlier today, I instructed employees across the FBI to drop what they were doing and try to roll fives and eights with board game dice in order to bring Nancy back from the jungle. This order was given even despite the risk of a lion coming out of the board game with her, like what happened in the Robin Williams movie—it was a risk we were willing to take if it meant reuniting her with her family,” Patel continued. “While I regret the distraction my theory caused, the Guthrie family can at least take solace in knowing that Nancy is NOT in the jungle from Jumanji, which the FBI has proven beyond all doubt as of today.”

You really, really hate to see people like this in charge of America’s federal law enforcement…Kash Patel is setting the FBI’s reputation back by decades.

How someone this profoundly incompetent wound up in charge of the FBI is a question we, as a nation, need to address. Look, if we’re Nancy Guthrie’s family, we are hiring a private military company ASAP, because we are not feeling good about her chances with Kash Patel running things. Otherwise, all we can say is that we are praying for Nancy’s safe return home, and for her captors to be brought to justice immediately!

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.

The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”

“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”

“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”

The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.

“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”

Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.

“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”

She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”

When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

HAS your perpetually broke friend bailed on buying you a drink again? While letting slip that all these activities were apparently within last month’s budget: 

Going skiing

Inspired by the Winter Olympics, your broke friend somehow found cash for a weekend in the French Alps. Oh, someone from work has a timeshare lodge? That doesn’t cover ski hire, lift passes, the flight or the après ski, does it? Which were all paid for, unlike their half of an £8 Uber.

Online gambling

The damage incurred through gambling is grimly obvious. Nobody goes into a bookies and thinks ‘hey, this place seems full of people whose lives are getting better’. Online gambling? Much more abstract, which is how your mate went on a poker-winning streak with the £200 you lent him them lost the lot. And he expects you to understand.

Started five new hobbies

Self-improvement is good. Nothing wrong with learning Portugese, how to make pasta, or to play the keytar. It’s just if you’re learning all of them at once, and street dance, and padel, then it’s surely costing you money. And each one will be dropped by next month but but the memory of your birthday meal they couldn’t afford to attend will last forever.

Got a dog

Not from a shelter or from a friend or those blameless methods, no, their new pedigree French bulldog is from an elite breeder and comes with a whole host of pricey congenital quirks. It’s also ill after eating your headphones and so really that’s your fault and you should be paying the vet’s bill?

Bought a car

She already has a car, but thought a runaround for everyday errands would preserve the first car’s value. Makes sense, right? Then went for an Audi A3 after carefully reviewing her budget and bank statements, and realising signing up for another credit card and moving debt around was the prudent move. ‘It’s recommended by Martin Lewis!’ she says.

Bought into cryptocurrency

It was the right time, apparently, to make a fortune. So years after everyone else your friend bought big into crypto and launched a podcast about how everyone else should too. Then Bitcoin crashed, and now he’s sold most of what he owns and is asking to crash at yours rent free for a couple of months.

THE news that William and Kate have not had time to watch all five Bafta nominated films has the UK questioning what else they are f**king doing. 

The couple attended last night’s Baftas, but the Prince of Wales admitted he had not seen Hamnet or Marty Supreme when surely he has the necessary time and boredom.

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said: “Fair do’s, I haven’t seen Sinners yet. Missed it at the pictures and I’m waiting for it to come on streaming. What’s his f**king excuse?

“He doesn’t work – a visit to a community centre where former gambling addicts make macramé hats for disadvantaged Peruvian children isn’t work, mate – he’s got nannies for the kids, he’s got no social life worthy of the name. He’s got nothing to do but watch films.

“I’m a busy man, but I’ve still found time to watch all four American Pie films and a further four direct-to-video spin-offs. What’s he do instead? Looking at an oil painting of King George III?”

Nail artist Emma Bradford agreed: “So you’re saying that, after a long day of doing piss all, him and her sit down and talk to each other? That’s not the kind of relationship I want in my monarch. That’s not a marriage that represents Britain.

“If he wants to be king he should be slumped in front of any old crap, day and night. He should be putting on some 70s shite with Michael Caine just to get himself through lunch.”

Kate said: “Mainly we spend our evenings talking about how great it’ll be when we’re ruling the country and can do whatever we want. You’d be surprised how inexhaustible a topic of conversation it is.”

WE kept looking. We refused to give up. And eventually we found the one unbelievably thick, nasty and prejudiced voter who reflects the views of all Gorton and Denton voters. 

With the by-election this Thursday, the media have been scouring the area to find an average, typical bigoted voter who holds all the correct opinions for a deprived Northern constituency ready to turn from Labour to Reform.

It was a long and difficult quest, with many voters insisting that local issues matter or that actually, they are not living in abject poverty and are capable of nuanced thought, but finally a true voice of the people has been found.

52-year-old retiree Wayne Hayes is in no way representative of the young, and ethnically diverse demographic of the area, but does produce headline-grabbing soundbites.

He explained: “They come over here on their small boats to molest women and eat swans. Those are my women and those are the King’s swans. Also they molest the swans.

“If Keir Starmer gets in every bloke round here will become a trans woman, not that you’ll know because we’ll all be in burquas. Then he’ll kill us with the assisted dying bill and sell our organs to China to build tax-payer funded day spas for WFH civil servants.

“That’s why I’m voting Reform, er, I mean, I’m an undecided floating voter.”

Asked about Wayne’s claims, Labour spokeswoman Carolyn Ryan notes that economic deprivation and chronic underfunding naturally turns people into Hitler.

“We take Wayne’s points very seriously. It’s people like Wayne we need to convince if we want to hold onto this seat, and no one else.”

WATCHING a documentary about America’s Next Top Model and reflecting on the intense pressure to be thin in the 00s, a woman is retrospectively proud of how fat she stayed. 

The Netflix show details the eating disorders, extreme diets and toxic media influence on women to slim down, making 42-year-old size 18 Hannah Tomlinson realise what incredible strength of character she had to withstand it.

She said: “Look at this photo of me in 2008. Look at that hefty frame. What a feminist chubster heroine.

“The tabloids screamed about thigh gaps and shamed Jennifer Aniston every time she dared to eat lunch, but I remained unfazed and out of breath when climbing stairs.

“Even while the fashion for skinny chic raged, chips were the rage round mine. Admittedly, low-rise jeans were not forgiving to my arse and the one time I tried a thong I put the whale in whale-tail.

“But I persevered through size zero, that ordure-obsessed freak Gillian McKeith and that bollocks diet eating Special K twice a day. Women actually fell for that. But I was more resilient, with a healthy body image and unhealthy body.

“I suppose I’m simply so psychologically strong I cannot be influenced. Apart from by KFC adverts.”

JD Vance was in Minneapolis asking for help from local law enforcement. He wants local and federal officials to be able to work together to find illegal immigrants, criminals, and sex offenders. It’s that last request that seemed to catch the attention of everyone on Twitter. Have a listen. JD Vance – “If we’re trying […]

The post JD Vance asked for help finding sex offenders and so many people said the same thing he should probably have seen this coming appeared first on The Poke.

The United States Men’s hockey team won the gold medal at the Olympics over the weekend. They pulled off a thrilling 2-1 victory in sudden death overtime over their biggest rivals in the sport, the Canadian national team. So it was understandable that the team was ready to tear it up in the locker room […]

The post Trump’s FBI chief Kash Patel partied hard with the US Men’s gold medal-winning hockey team and these 13 A++ takedowns all hit the back of the net appeared first on The Poke.

It’s by-election time in Gorton and Denton later this week, which may or may not be why this magnificent doorbell video clip has just gone wildly viral on Twitter. Let’s face it, it probably is. It’s a Sheffield woman’s especially NSFW response to a pair of Reform UK canvassers and it makes for supremely satisfying […]

The post This woman’s especially NSFW response to a pair of Reform UK canvassers just went wildly viral and it’s a supremely satisfying watch appeared first on The Poke.

It’s not entirely clear what the specific context was for @doxie_gay to post this picture on Twitter, beyond the fact he doesn’t have much money right now. Except their financial status wasn’t what sent it trending. It was the picture itself, which isn’t what it appears to be from first glance, and yet that first […]

The post This wildly misleading picture is blowing minds everywhere and it really isn’t what you think (probably) appeared first on The Poke.

In a time when his approval ratings continue to plummet, it must be encouraging for Donald Trump to hear that he has gained a supporter. Whether or not that new supporter is just Donald Trump pretending to be someone else is up for debate. But still… Here is a clip from C-SPAN showing a news […]

The post People are convinced this phone-in caller is Donald Trump pretending to be a Maga and we simply can’t stop listening appeared first on The Poke.