Joey Chestnut Recalls Being Cut From His High School’s Varsity Hot Dog Eating Team

WESTFIELD, IN—Reflecting on how his past struggles had fueled him on his road to becoming a champion, professional eater Joey Chestnut recalled on Friday how he was cut from his high school’s varsity hot dog eating team. “I was scrappy and had a burning passion for inhaling hot dogs, so as a freshman, I went to try out for the varsity team, but the coach took one look at me and said I was too skinny,” said Chestnut, explaining how the crushing setback threatened to jeopardize his dream career of inhaling 70-plus hot dogs in 10 minutes. “So immediately I started training on my own, watching their practices and wolfing down bratwursts, hamburgers, sausages—anything I could get my mouth on—in order to discipline my gag reflex and build up jaw strength. I was determined to show them they made a mistake not giving me that letterman jacket. They gave my spot on the team to a sophomore who weighed 350 pounds. They thought he was going to be a prodigy, but I knew he just didn’t have the drive and swallowing technique that I did. And guess what? He’s a bank teller now, never went pro, and here I am chowing down on pig scraps on the world’s biggest stage.” Chestnut went on to advise young aspiring eaters not to let anyone tell them what they can’t do, and also to eat a lot of hot dogs. The Onion.

Tips For Cooling Your Home

More than two dozen states are experiencing extreme heat. The Onion shares tips for keeping your home cool and comfortable amid record-breaking temperatures. Press a cold, damp towel against your home’s pulse points. Take contortionist classes until you can fit inside the freezer.  Fire your gun in the air as a warning to the sun to back off. Get a nice cross breeze going by bulldozing a wall. Spend the bulk of your day in an even hotter location so that your house feels like a blast of frigid air when you get back.  Ask your warmest roommate to move out. Spill the blood of a fat ox to appease the spirits who have cursed the land with unnatural heat. For quick relief, get an AC unit dropped on your head. It’s probably too late to suggest the concept of an earthen home built partially underground, isn’t it? Set your thermostat to 150 years ago. The Onion.

Trump Amasses $1.2 Billion From Crypto

President Trump disclosed that he personally amassed around $1.2 billion from crypto holdings in 2025, raising concerns about his profiting off the office. What do you think? “And people said that crypto was a scam.” JoAnn Landrum, Cider Bottler “Every job has its perks. Mine has a Sodastream.” Max Schnabel, Flower Presser “It’s always important to diversify your grifts.” Patrick Slocombe, Marquee Installer The Onion.

Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners

NEW YORK—Navigating the venue in search of his place setting, wedding guest Andy Reid was reportedly pleased Friday to find that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had seated him at an empty table with 12 dinners assigned to him. “I think this is me,” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach to the dozen plates as he sat down, draping his suit jacket over the back of his chair before rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “Well, I know who I’ll be spending the rest of the reception with—am I right, beef? How thoughtful of the happy couple to seat me at my very own carving station. So, tell me, how long have you been an entrée?” At press time, the happy newlyweds were feeding Andy Reid cake. The Onion.

Olivia Rodrigo Adds Adult Diapers To Merch Table

The Onion.

Ron Paul Scales Empire State Building To Unveil Flag Reading 'End The Fed!'

NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"

Entire Democrat Party Placed On 'No Fly' List

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced on Thursday that it had officially placed the entire Democratic Party on the No Fly List.

Democrats Vow To Reform ICE So It Only Deports Immigrants Who Love America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats were getting out the vote early ahead of the November midterms, pledging to reform U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) so it only deports immigrants who love America.

Mom Threatens Kids With A Road Trip If They Don't Behave

BIRMINGHAM, AL — A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip.

Sad: Woman Gives Birth On Border And Now Only Baby's Top Half Is American

EL PASO, TX — Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U.S.-Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.

Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea

WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.

Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously

THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.

Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean

The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Watching England at 1am: your 12 hours of torment

ENGLAND play Mexico in the small hours tomorrow, and despite everything you’re going to watch it. Here’s how you’ll prepare and suffer the consequences:  4pm-5pm Nervy preparations begin with a work-related excuse not to go to the pub. In order to get an afternoon nap in, you eat an enormous roast dinner and wash it down with three pints. 5pm-6pm Bloated on the verge of a food coma, you try to prepare for tomorrow’s working day by putting a wash on, including your lucky retro England shirt. You’ll get it out later. 6pm-7pm Propelled by early-onset hangover urgency, you decide the kids should be in bed early and f**k Thomas Tuchel. You read them a Marcus Rashford Breakfast Club Adventures story and reflect that he’s as skilled at writing as he is at scoring a penalty in the 2020 Euros final. The kids are allowed to take devices to bed. 7pm-8pm You try to nap, but are interrupted by constant texts about possible team line-ups, injuries, and excuses for missing work tomorrow. The gnawing dread that your excuses are as flimsy and unbelievable as your prediction of ‘4-1’ is inescapable. 8pm-9pm To relax you turn on the TV and stare mindlessly at a Harlan Coben thing for an hour, occasionally responding to whatever your partner is saying with ‘Yeah’, ‘I dunno,’ ‘I think he’s the baddy,’ and ‘They’ve had no time to acclimatise, it’s basically cheating.’ 9pm-10pm You crack open a bottle and watch Brazil versus Norway to get in the mood. The level of skill from both teams is frightening. By your second beer all you can think about is how it would be a mercy not to play the victor of this. 10pm-11pm Four beers in, you’re feeling great. Awake, alert, ready for a match that doesn’t begin for hours yet. You’re on your phone Googling tickets and flights, deciding your credit card can take it, when stats about Mexico’s win percentage at their home stadium arrive just as the team is announced. Anxiety initiates an immediate bowel movement. 11pm-12am You realise you’ve missed a meal, so you make an overly elaborate sandwich, with crisps, and dips, and a whisky chaser. ‘Football’s coming home’ is playing in your mind, on a loop, somehow mockingly. Drown it out with more Harlan Coben. 12am-1am Your TV turns off automatically and wakes with a defibrillator-sized jolt five minutes before kick-off. You’re not ready, it wasn’t supposed to be like this; indigestion, drunk, alone, your lucky England shirt still wet in the machine. Try to get your game head on, haunted by Haaland. 1am-2am Game on. Somehow you’ve had all the beers, but Jameson’s is fine from the bottle. The football is not riveting. Your heart hammers regardless. During hydration breaks you piss in the garden. 2am-3am You’ve sat through the bollocky halftime punditry and given yourself an aching thumb messaging about channels and the hard press. Wish you could go to bed and find out in the morning but the group chat won’t let you. Snack on guacamole and tortilla chips. 3am-4am You’ve made it. Your head’s banging, your stomach’s lurching, you’re up for work in four hours and will be sweating Scotch on the commute. The group chat has degenerated into outright abuse. You lie in bed wide awake after hours of footballing anguish and all you think about is who the murderer is in the Harlan Coben thing.

We ask you: What superpowers do you think Britain’s mayors should be awarded?

OUR new prime minister is to give Britain’s regional mayors powers beyond all imagining. What do you want your mayor to be able to do?  Norman Steele, bin reseller: “Not fly, or he’ll just f**k off and never come back. This is Mansfield after all.” Julian Cook, dredger: “I’d like our mayor to have the power to drive people with a different skin colour on another continent absolutely insane with rage. If Sadiq Khan can do it, why not Paul Bristow of Cambridge and Peterborough Combined Strategic Authority?” Donna Sheridan, pharmacist: “Our mayor’s already able to magically divine that any problem, from fly-tipping to SEND funding shortfalls, is due to immigration because she’s Reform’s Andrea Jenkyns.” Denys Finch Hatton, genealogist: “Does he have to have powers? I find them unconvincing, and would prefer that Swindon just get its very own Batman.” Lucy Parry, picture framer: “There’s invisibility, there’s teleportation, but ultimately as a mayor the most important power is to really be able to tell which is the bonniest baby.”

Man torn between going to Taylor Swift’s wedding or Ayatollah Khamenei’s funeral

Am I opening until 5am on Monday? F**k off. By your local pub

By Wayne Hayes, landlord of The Ten Bells, Lowestoft I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.  And not just because it’s Starmer’s idea, though that’s reason enough. It’s because I’m not playing nursemaid to a load of pissed-up dickheads who throw their pints whenever Harry Kane gets one chalked off by VAR. Want more reasons? First of all, half of them won’t turn up. Everyone’s all ‘see you here tomorrow!’ on Saturday night then Sunday night can’t be arsed and stays home with a crate of Carling. I’m not paying bar staff double time to look a twat. Second, they’ve not got the stamina. I know my drinkers. Even if they pace themselves they’ll be dozing off by half-12, and that’s before England start playing which given their games so far isn’t going to help. Third? I mean, blame the altitude in advance and all that, but we’re hardly going to win, are we? And that’s not conducive to selling booze. They’ll still be sipping the same Stella they’ve bought at kick-off at full-time. And what’s with this f**king 5am bollocks? The game’s over by 3am. What, everyone’s sticking around for two hours of post-match analysis after we’ve been knocked out, are we? With work in the morning? No, I’ll be closing at half-ten as usual, as will everywhere else. Though my brother Graham’s keeping his open for the full whack and expecting brisk business, especially from 3am onwards. His pub’s in Glasgow.

Kids allowed to get shitfaced for Mexico match

THE government has announced that children will be able to stay up late and get pissed for the England-Mexico match. The legal drinking age will be temporarily removed on Sunday night so that children can experience the joy of watching England crash out of the World Cup with eight pints swimming through their system. A government spokesperson said: “Young people shouldn’t be left out of these national moments. And one night of heavy drinking isn’t going to do them any harm. Their little livers will bounce right back. “Kids are about to have social media ripped away from them, so they deserve a night of sinking pints while cheering on the Lions. It’ll be their first taste of adulthood and a crisp IPA rolled into one wholesome experience. “For one glorious night the generational divide will vanish as red-faced primary school kids belt out Wonderwall alongside their elders. Little ones can even have a go at hurling abuse at the TV and getting into a bar fight, if they’re good.  “And who cares if they’ll be too hungover for school? Watching grown men cry in a Wetherspoons at 3am will be far more educational than anything they’ll learn in the classroom.” Eight-year-old Jack Browne said: “This sounds even better than our school trip to Alton Towers. I hope I get a taste for excessive drinking I can enjoy for the rest of my life.”

‘What is a common stereotype about your culture that is actually 100% accurate?’ – 23 national clichés that hit the nail on the head

National stereotypes tend to be viewed as negative. Oversimplified and exaggerated beliefs about the characteristics of a place and its people are never going to be accurate, right? Well, it turns out that sometimes they are, according to the folks who live there. Over on the AskReddit page, user thor123321 asked this: ‘What is a […] The Poke.

Karoline Leavitt said young people are lazy and complain a lot and she didn’t just not read the room, she’s on the wrong planet

Karoline Leavitt has only been back from maternity leave for a week or so, but she has wasted no time getting her talking points across a variety of media. First, she took a flight aboard Air Force One and did some light reading. Now she’s alienating a huge portion of the voting base. The White […] The Poke.

‘What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard a stranger shout out of nowhere?’ – 22 hilariously gobby people

If you hear people yelling things in the street, the chances are they’re drunk or angry, and it’s generally not something you want your ears bothered with. However, very occasionally you’ll be glad you listened because you’ll overhear an absolute gem. They’ve been discussing this on the AskUK subreddit after Jack_In_Black89 shared their own experience… […] The Poke.

Donald Trump said his children have ‘inside information’ on anything they buy because of his presidency and basically the entire internet said the same thing

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. In this case, the apple is rotten. Donald Trump spoke about his children on CNBC this week and ran head first into a stunning admission that would’ve been front page news for any other President. The big orange blob was asked about the financial transactions his kids […] The Poke.

‘What happened at your school that would never be allowed today?’ – 21 hair-raising stories that prove they were not always the best days of our lives

Are your school days the best days of your life? Perhaps if you were one of those people who were super popular at 16 and have been on a downward trajectory ever since. But the majority of people seem to have found them a bit of a nightmare, if the answers to this post from […] The Poke.