MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners,” said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five or six beers barely cracked the 50th percentile of heavy drinkers she’d dated. “Sure, he likes to have a good time and enjoy a few drinks when he’s out with friends or home alone, but he always climbs into bed by sunrise or so, even if he’s still dressed in all his clothes and sometimes his shoes. Plus, he has a job, and I don’t think they’d let someone who had a real drinking problem work in a bar.” Heston went on to add that her boyfriend didn’t have much time for partying anyway on account of his drug habit.

The post Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go appeared first on The Onion.

FRANKLIN, TN—Insisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend, MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices. “I don’t care if the prices rise—heck, I prefer them that way,” said Leonardi, who crossed her arms in defiance as she lauded gasoline as “a great product” that had been “too cheap for too long.” “If they tell me it’s $4 a gallon, I walk in and pay them $8 a gallon. Shell deserves a little walking-around money. I figure anyone who sells oil knows better than I do what to do with my money. As my grandmother used to say, the higher the gas price, the closer to God.” Leonardi went on to state that if anything made her unhappy, it was the fact that the prices weren’t even higher.

The post MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices appeared first on The Onion.

Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s always going to hurt, whether it was your decision or your partner’s. But that doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong. Sometimes two people just fall out of cahoots. 

One day you’re madly in cahoots. The next you’re not. 

Most of the time, no one’s to blame. Falling out of cahoots is just something that happens, even to the most dastardly of people. And now it’s happened to us. Maybe our criminal plots grew apart, or maybe, in the end, our devious antics just weren’t compatible. Maybe it was because we stopped making time for schemes. 

It didn’t help that we were always fighting over laundering money. 

I’ll never forget the beginning, and how could I? There we were, reaching for the same crowbar, and suddenly my whole world changed. We made so many secret plans for our future together. We were so fully committed to fraud in those days we would stay up all night passionately discussing which enemies we should frame for a crime. Back then, I’d find myself cackling for no reason. I’d scream maniacally in the shower. I’d listen to the birds, and it would sound like they were conspiring right along with us.

We were so in cahoots it was crazy.

Remember that first summer? I taught you how to tap the phone lines. You taught me how to use bolt cutters. We got matching prison tattoos when they threw us in the pen. We surprised each other with switchblades and silencers, just because. We burnt off our fingerprints, and when I was worried mine looked bad, you assured me they were perfectly illegible.

You made racketeering feel so easy. 

I would have spent the rest of my life riding around in hot-wired cars with you—the windows down, the radio on, and the backseat overflowing with stolen electronics. I saw decades and decades of misdeeds ahead of us. We were going to travel the world and break into that bank vault in Switzerland. Maybe one day even blow up a house in the suburbs with a couple of lackeys. 

But of course it was naïve to think our days of spreading mischief and mayhem could last forever. Rubbing the palms of my hands together doesn’t even make me feel nefarious anymore. It just makes me sad. 

Regardless of how we got here or why, you deserve to be in cahoots with someone who makes you feel diabolical—we both do. Don’t cry. Just because this didn’t work out doesn’t mean the perfect crony isn’t somewhere out there waiting for you. And even though we’re not co-conspirators anymore, hopefully we can still get together and scheme from time to time. 

Now come pick up your brass knuckles, or they’re going to Goodwill. 

The post Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots appeared first on The Onion.

Jason McNamarra, 28, did technically swallow that sword.

The post Jason McNamarra appeared first on The Onion.

United Airlines announced it will begin removing passengers from flights who refuse to wear headphones when listening to content on their personal devices, claiming that such behavior could lead to a permanent ban. What do you think?

“Why can’t 150 other people just use earplugs?”

Jerry Klanac, Unemployed

---

“First they came for the barefoot, and I said nothing.”

Regina Felder, Shirt Appraiser

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“How the hell am I supposed to practice my oboe with headphones?”

Conrad Urquhart, Garland Hanger

The post United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — CNN reported this morning that several Japanese teenagers traveled to Hawaii for what could have been a lovely day at the beach.

TEHRAN — Amid rumors that the newly chosen Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei had been injured in an airstrike, the Iranian regime issued a statement warning the U.S. that it had a huge stockpile of supreme leaders.

If you missed celebrating International Women's Day yesterday, it's not too late to solemnly observe it in a variety of meaningful ways.

BRUSSELS — As all eyes around the globe remained fixed on the ongoing U.S.-Iran conflict, leaders gathered for an important summit in a clear display that Europe remained under its persistent delusion that anyone cares what it thinks.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohram Mandani called a press conference on Monday to clarify that his wife only celebrates the actions and mission of terrorists in her capacity as a private citizen.

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens. 

How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0. 

According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place. 

According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ. 

Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point. 

While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!

If you were hoping to read some uplifting news today, get ready to smile, because one of Hollywood’s biggest icons has shared an absolutely heartwarming update about their personal life: Whoopi Goldberg just announced that she has received a brand new email.

Congratulations, Whoopi!!! How incredibly exciting that must be for her!

In a video posted to her official Instagram page earlier today, Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she woke up to discover her Gmail inbox had a very exciting notification waiting to be discovered: a completely new, unread email, just for her. The famed EGOT winner and The View host expressed how she felt overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to have a new email to read, and that it’s been one of the greatest blessings she’s experienced in life. Not wanting to take the email for granted, Whoopi said that she plans to open it when the time feels right, explaining that “most people wait a lifetime for something as wonderful as a new email, so I want to appreciate every moment of this experience.”

“Receiving a new email seems like something that only happens in the movies—but it’s not the movies, it’s my life, and by the grace of God, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a new email happen to me,” Goldberg continued in the video, wiping away tears of joy as she held up an iPad displaying her Gmail inbox for viewers to see her new email. “Whatever the email says doesn’t matter. I may decide to share that information with you. I may not. Merely receiving it has already changed my life. It’s like I was seeing the world in black-and-white my whole life, and getting this new email finally let me see the world in color for the very first time. For now, all I’ll say is that the email was sent by someone named HelloFresh.” 

“If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that you never know when your Gmail inbox might surprise you with a small miracle such as an email. It happened to me, and it could happen to you too. Never give up hope. In life, when the going gets tough, remember that there are so many reasons to stay optimistic, like email.”

We’re literally ugly crying right now. We couldn’t be happier for Whoopi! Make sure to hop on social media and congratulate Whoopi on her new email today, because, well, this is simply as amazing as it gets. If anyone deserves something as exciting as a new email, it’s Whoopi Goldberg! You go, Whoopi!!!

This is such a huge win for indecisive people. If you haven’t decided whether you want a receipt for gas or not, this gas pump will let you select ‘maybe’ to reflect your uncertainty. We hope this option comes to gas pumps everywhere sometime soon!

Well folks, as if you needed another thing to worry about, here is something very concerning: This bottle of pills in an Asian grocery store just has the word “DIARRHEA” in the Matrix font above a picture of Keanu Reeves in sunglasses. 

Yikes. Who exactly is buying these pills, and…why?

Even a close examination of this highly questionable product found on the shelves of Asia Mart in Cincinnati, Ohio reveals very little useful information about what horrific purpose these pills could be meant for. The poorly printed graphics and low-quality label only make the product seem sketchier, and outside of the word “DIARRHEA” on the front, the only other English on the entire bottle are the words, “The time has came,” on the back next to a picture of the Predator. While there are some additional Asian characters below the English text, five different online translators were unable to recognize what language this could be. And at $16 for 4 giant pills, this definitely isn’t just some run-of-the-mill herbal diarrhea cure. Its packaging seems to imply some sort of diarrhea journey, perhaps one that makes the user feel as if they’ve been sucked into an adventure in a strange, computer-generated alternate reality.

Um yeah, we don’t want to narc on anyone, but we might be calling the health department here. 

Look, people are free to experiment with whatever substances they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, but this…this is definitely hurting someone. We feel like we need to buy all of this stuff just to make sure no one else takes it—but who knows if we might be tempted by Keanu’s outstretched hand promising whatever mind-melting diarrhea experience these might offer. There may be no way to keep the world safe from whatever it is these pills do.

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.

"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."

Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.

"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."

Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”

“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”

Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” 

Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. 

“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”

Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. 

“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. 

The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. 

Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”

After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.

WASHINGTON — Following the commencement of renewed U.S. military operations in the Middle East, defense experts lamented that the Pacific was once again not pivoted to.

"It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said Chinese Minister of National Defense Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all."

America’s rivals in the Pacific have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a cyber attack or two, the Pacific has consistently played second fiddle to the hotter, more exotic Middle East. 

"I flash my nuclear weapons on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread."

For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. INDOPACOM analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the Persian Gulf.

"We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in Hawaii," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me."

Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus.

"She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take a 10-year quagmire and a trillion dollars or so."

TEHRAN — A typo in an early version of a U.S. Central Command operation order has reportedly resulted in what defense officials are calling "the most confusing yet epic psyop of all time."

The scope of the error was not fully understood until early Saturday morning, when Israel and the U.S. began "major military operations" inside Iran under an operation dubbed "Epic Fury." But the operation had been mistakenly labeled Operation Epic Furry on a first-draft document circulated through the Defense Department's secure email system.

Spc. Seth "Klingon" Powers, a psychological operations specialist in the CENTCOM headquarters' psychological operations cell, reportedly saw the title and, without reading the document's text, assumed it was a social media influence campaign.

"As a native Portlander and former Army IT guy, Powers saw 'Epic Furry' and got fully onboard. He thought we were testing cultural destabilization inside the theocracy amid the ongoing protests," a CENTCOM public affairs officer said.

Multiple planned strike locations across Tehran were subsequently shared as party locations through Eventbrite, Partiful and Facebook as "underground furry rave gatherings." The listings were accompanied by neon wolf emojis and captions encouraging attendees to "bring paws, not politics." The hashtag #EpicFurryTehran began trending globally within hours.

Confused local residents who were reportedly bi-curious gathered at several sites wearing improvised animal costumes. Videos circulating online showed dancing crowds illuminated by strobe lights and occasional explosions in the distance. One X user, who declared it "the most epic furry party of all time," said the explosions had been initially confused for an elaborate pyrotechnic show.

The advertisements for the party were so prolific that even Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth saw them.

"I'll be honest," Hegseth said at a press briefing. "I first saw the hashtag while doom-scrolling late at night on the toilet — extreme stress has left me less than optimized for a bowel movement amid all the interdepartmental fighting." He paused. "I saw the energy. I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit. It's a tactical wolf. Very lethal. Very American."

Hegseth said he did not realize something was amiss until he received a message that Epic Fury was go for launch just before boarding his flight.

"I asked if everyone else was on their way to Tehran," he said. "Then the JSOC commander told me to call him on a secure line, and the other commanders started writing, 'Sir, this shit is kinetic,' 'Get off that plane right meow,' and 'Do not go to Tehran!' That's when I finally understood."

TRUMP has declared war with Iran all but over because he personally has moved on. We’d live in a better world if these had also been called off early for dullness: 

World War One, 1914-1918

Began in 1914, and by the end of the year everyone was nice and settled in trenches where they were slaughtered for no real purpose for a further three years. Germany might as well have said ‘Yeah, fair enough, we tried’ and settled it then. What if they hadn’t meant it and started another war within 25 years? Imagine.

The Hundred Years’ War, 1337-1453

It was actually 116 years long, frequently interrupted by the Black Death, and all fought for the right to sit on the throne of France anyway. If they’d known the top prize was to eventually get guillotined, could it have been ended sooner? Joan of Arc would have been able to grow her hair out, marry a lovely young man and have kids.

The Wars of the Roses, 1455-1487

Remember being approached in the playground, asked if you were red or blue, and getting a dead leg for giving the wrong answer? That on a national scale, but the teams weren’t City or United but York and Lancaster. Also you’re a peasant struggling to farm enough wheat to eat stale bread through winter and the man asking has a sword and a feather in his hat.

The Crimean War, 1853-1856

Even establishing what this one was about, and why France, Turkey, Britain and the Kingdom of Sardinia-Piedmont felt it necessary to weigh in, is near impossible. Russia had to, it was their Crimea. If, at some point in 1854, a participant had said ‘Lads, I’m not feeling it, shall we all go home?’ it would likely have met with mumbled agreement.

The Iraq War, 2003-2011

Back in the 00s, singles would be played on Radio 1 for six weeks before being released so they’d go straight to number one. That was nothing compared to Iraq, which suffered a fatiguing pre-release period comparable only to the marketing of Barbie. We were bored before it even began. Nobody knew it ended in 2011 because we tuned out in 2004.

The Russo-Ukrainian War, 2022-ongoing

Honestly, Putin, we’d have more respect for you if you gave up. Withdrew the troops, ceded the territory, accepted that you made the classic f**k-up of trying to invade Russia but from the other direction. Because over here in the West we pretend not if asked but we’ve all tired of it. You’re not seeing Ukranian flags these days, are you?

NOT content with shots fired at opera and ballet, actor Timothée Chalamet has decided a number of other art forms are shite and for wankers, including these: 

Miming

Offended? As if. When did you, or anyone you know, ever pay to see a dick pretending to be in a glass box? Exactly. And don’t give me bullshit about punching down on the less privileged. Audiences have deemed miming unpopular, so kill it and bury it in a glass coffin. It’s what its mute practitioners would want.

Puppetry

Why still f**k about with strings that shatter the suspension of disbelief when we have CGI? We don’t need you to stick your hand up Kermit’s ass any more. You’re doing it because you want to. Though obviously if any directors would like me to voice a character in their puppet film, I’ll happily oblige. That’s piss-easy work for a shit-ton of money.

Slam poetry

Poetry’s bad enough when it rhymes, but I guess in the old days daffodils were some hot shit. But poetry’s way worse when angrily performed by some trust fund baby in an Brooklyn basement. Nobody wants to hear an edgy John Cooper Clarke wannabe spitting bars about classism or the climate crisis. Learn to rap or f**k off.

Pottery

If you sit hunched over turntables clumsily trying to fashion a pot out of clay you’ve failed at life. We’ve got factories to do that now and they churn out thousands in seconds. Nobody’s queuing to see the latest blockbuster pot, which by my metric means it’s culturally irrelevant. 2023’s Wonka, now that’s worth preserving for the ages.

AI slop prompt writing

Scary, isn’t it, to find yourself agreeing with me? Regardless of whether it threatens my job as an actor and heartthrob, which it totally doesn’t, typing a few prompts into an AI image generator doesn’t make you an artist. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be forced to draw a horse by hand and not allowed food until it looks like one.

SICK of army men! Army men BORING! Just big bangs and people with long names I can’t even say DEAD! Want to build arch and ballroom today! 

I’ve BEATED Iran! They’re defeated now and anyway it’s STUPID, just bombs and bombs and interceptor missiles and the Strait of Hormuz which I don’t even believe in so there! Iran is OVER! If Israel still wants to fight it they can.

Trump ARCH will commemmormmemmorate VICTORY over Iran! Will be biggest arch ever, bigger than in silly France or England who are NOT my friends, and arch will say TRUMP WON on it in GOLD and in LATIN!

Stop it! Stop saying ‘militarily we have made certain commitments’! Stop saying ‘the US Navy will need time to withdraw!’ WAR is OVER because Trump WANTS it! Say I won. Say I WON or YOU’RE FIRED!

Putin says I’ve won. I talked to him on the phone when I made you go in the other room. He says I’ve COMPLETELY won and should withdraw TODAY, and he knows more than YOU about wars because he’s WINNING one! So there!

Army men are rubbish, coming back all dead so no I’m NOT sorry I didn’t take my hat off because they’re LOSERS! I want my ballroom NOW! Why isn’t it built? Architects? We don’t NEED architects! I DESIGNED it myself with my coloured PENS!

GOING now, and when I come back I don’t want to see any war anywhere. Going where? To restroom. NO I did NOT shit myself, that smell is someone else! That SMELL is POOPY IRAN!

THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope:

Text him angrily

All that’s standing between you and your beloved straining at the leash to betray you? His absence. Not the love and fidelity he’s pledged. Not all you’ve shared together. Fire off a text to let him know what a fickle, shallow arsehole he is, but without giving away it’s because you’ve seen her. ‘F**k you for not putting the bins out’ should do it.

Itemise defects

Her hair is too shiny, her tote bag quote annoying. That skinny with tits that big is ridiculous. There’s no way things would work between him and her. He’d be intimidated by constant competition from other men and irritated by her ten step skincare routine. You could look like that if only you were completely shallow and self-obsessed.

Feel pity and contempt for their age difference

She must be a good six years younger than him. There was a time when that would have constituted a police matter. Even though they’d both be in their 20s, it would be best if he signed some kind of a register. She’s essentially a 25-year-old infant with a child’s brain and he’s sick for even considering it.

Shudder with horror at his attempt to flirt

God, even his first approach to this vision of loveliness would be a crash-landing. She’s dated exclusively millionaires or gangsters since she turned 18 and in comes a data analyst from Croydon, stuttering and salivating and all he can think of to ask is ‘Do you like bread?’ She wouldn’t even answer and he’d walk away all defeated. Snooty bitch.

Leave as if nothing happened

You’ve just completed an entire emotional arc your partner will never know about. Receding behind you sits a stranger who has unknowingly participated in a relationship stress test. He should be ashamed, and she should be served with a restraining order which specifies it’s for whoredom. You? You’ve triumphed. Hold your head up high.

Nigel Farage, you will remember, was all for Donald Trump’s war on Iran when the American president first dropping bombs on Tehran. These days not so much, a change of mind which is entirely in line with his party’s relentless mixed messaging about the prospect of all out war in the Middle East, But don’t […]

The post Nigel Farage wasn’t happy when his party’s relentless reverse ferreting over Iran was pointed out to him and it spoke volumes about the man and is party appeared first on The Poke.

Andrew Tate was super-excited by the prospect of the Middle East descending into turmoil. So much so that he simply couldn’t wait to get back to Dubai so that he didn’t miss out on any of the action. We’re still not sure if he’s made it – turns out it wasn’t entirely straightforward, apparently – […]

The post This clip of a pistol-packing Andrew Tate ‘defending Dubai’ prompted no end of hilarity – 14 funniest and totally on-point takedowns appeared first on The Poke.

It’s hard to know whether Donald Trump is achieving his goals with his war on Iraq, mostly because it’s not at all clear what he was trying to achieve in the first place. Beyond the appalling spectacle of destruction, obviously. But 10 days or so into the conflict, people reckon the American president is already […]

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Kudos to ITV Meridian’s Kit Bradshaw for holding Nigel Farage’s feet to the fire in a way that’s sadly lacking in too many of his interviews. Reform UK’s control of Kent County Council has been beset by in-fighting, rows over flags on lampposts, financial mismanagement, and a complete u-turn on a key campaign promise to […]

The post Farage excused Reform’s tax-cut u-turn by saying “Cutting taxes can be not putting them up as much” – 17 emphatic clapbacks appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump’s been addressing Republican lawmakers in Florida, where the topic of his war on Iran was naturally at the top of the agenda. Along with the scores of people – many of them children – killed when a Tehran school was hit by a US tomahawk missile, Trump’s military has also sunk an Iran […]

The post Donald Trump said it was more fun to sink ships than capture them and the Maga response is a terrifying sign of where we are now appeared first on The Poke.