The Onion
Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder
LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. “Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you’re a foot—nearly a foot and a half—off the ground, you start to lose perspective on your own existence and just panic at mankind’s hubris,” said Hannold, reflecting on how dangerous it was to scale the 16-inch folding stool without a harness, rope, or medical team on standby. “There’s a certain rush you get climbing all the way to the highest point of the cupboard for some Milano cookies, but this time, at the peak of my ascent, the room started spinning and everything blurred into a dizzying gray. Suddenly, all I could think about was my poor wife being forced to identify my mangled body on the kitchen floor. She always begs me to stop going up to the top of the freezer without her holding my hips for stability, and I brush her off. But this was a real wake-up call for me. I couldn’t find a path forward and was stuck there for days.” Honnold expressed regret that his daring free solo of the step ladder was being streamed live to 15 million viewers on Netflix.
The Onion.
Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort
ST. LOUIS—In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. “We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended by this war, and we’re proud to give the Ukrainian people the baseball-related aid they need to get through these desperate times,” said company spokesperson Lloyd Merrill, explaining that Russian bombardment had left large parts of the country with little to no access to outfield gloves, catcher’s mitts, or even youth-sized infield models. “Put yourself in their shoes: Your home has been destroyed, your family has been displaced, and now you’re expected to get through the day without any means of catching baseballs? It’s unimaginable. Our hope is that these gloves can provide some small measure of comfort and hope for these brave people.” Merrill added that Rawlings had worked with international relief organizations to airdrop the gloves over hard-hit towns and villages, though reports confirmed most Ukrainian families were still woefully short on bats, bases, and rosin bags.
The Onion.
Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits
MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. “Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going back to live with their parents due to the difficulty of obtaining whole-grain wheat crackers of their own in the current market,” said Tufts economist Jessica Fennel, adding that incidence of an adult child living at home was especially high in households that had a kitchen stocked with Triscuit Four Cheese and Herb crackers. “Unlike millennials, members of Gen Z are less likely to rent their own apartments if it means settling for Wheat Thins or saltines. They view reliable access to Triscuits’ signature woven texture as worth the trade-offs of privacy and independence, likely because of the greater value young people place on wholesome whole-grain goodness with a satisfying crunch.” Fennel went on to state that parents of Gen Z children tended to favor these living arrangements due to their own improved access to the contents of difficult-to-open jars.
The Onion.
Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner
The Onion.
Bobby Hanlon
Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldn’t charm his way out of this one (leukemia).
The Onion.
ClickHole
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
Fans of Taco Bell, don’t get your hopes up, because their new menu item seems like a failure right out the gate: Taco Bell has released a tostada only women can taste, only dogs can see, only kids can smell, and only men can buy.
Well, that sounds rather limiting.
Taco Bell’s new “Avocado Tostada” may seem like a standard item anyone can buy, smell, see, and taste, but sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. By limiting the product so that only men can buy it, only kids can smell it, only dogs can see it, and only women can taste it, this tostada seems designed for heterosexual couples with one kid and a dog, and pretty much no one else.
Seems pretty confusing, right?
Taco Bell’s commercial promoting the product doesn’t really help the situation either. In it, a man orders the tostada. His dog starts barking, alerting him and his son to the tostada’s location on the counter. His son sniffs around, and with the dog’s helpful barks, he picks it up and carries it to his mom. With a little more help from the dog, the woman proceeds to eat the tostada. The son then remarks that he wishes he could taste it, the man remarks he wishes he could smell it, and the woman remarks that she wishes she could buy it.
Yikes. It’s not every day you see a company biff a new campaign this hard, especially considering that women who’ve eaten the tostada report that its bland flavor does not justify the effort required to order it.
Damn. It’s definitely pretty bizarre that Taco Bell signed off on this, but if you’re a guy who knows a dog, child, and woman who can work together to eat it, it looks like you’ve still got time to check it out.
A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.
Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
Awesome: Liam Hemsworth Is Teaching A New Workshop That Gives People The Skills They Need To Become A Hemsworth Brother
If you’ve been looking to learn a new skill, or you’re just on the hunt for a fun challenge, then you’re definitely going to want to keep reading, because one of the world’s most iconic actors is currently offering an opportunity to learn some of the secrets to his success: Liam Hemsworth is teaching a new workshop that gives people the skills they need to become a Hemsworth brother!
This is incredibly exciting! If you’ve ever dreamed about becoming a Hemsworth brother, this sounds like it’s the perfect class for you!
The three-week remote workshop, titled ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within: A Crash Course’ is currently open to the general public, and for just $800, students can learn from one of the world’s leading Hemsworth brothers about all the ins and outs of pursuing a career as a Hemsworth brother. In his description of the workshop, Liam outlines some of the key skills students can expect to learn in order to become a world-class Hemsworth brother, including being from Australia, hugging Chris Hemsworth on Christmas, looking like Luke Hemsworth, and having memories of growing up with all the Hemsworth brothers in the 1990s.
This is so exciting! While there might be countless YouTube tutorials and self-help books about how to become a Hemsworth brother, there’s really no substitution for learning the basics from a real-life member of the Hemsworth clan with years of experience as a professional Hemsworth brother.
The workshop lists itself as being “open to people of all ages and levels of experience with being a Hemsworth brother,” and Liam notes that the Hemsworth brother skills taught in the workshop have wide-ranging applications far beyond success in Hollywood. “Being a Hemsworth brother makes you an incredibly wealthy and sought-after movie star, but there are plenty of other benefits as well,” says Liam. “People who have taken my workshop in the past have gone on to achieve amazing things outside of the acting world, including having an Australian accent, being the son of Leonie and Craig Hemsworth, and having a driver’s license that says ‘Hemsworth’ on it.”
While three weeks might seem like a short time to become a Hemsworth brother, ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within’ has a proven track record for success. Notable alumni who became Hemsworth brothers by taking Liam’s workshop include Luke Hemsworth, David Hemsworth, Sydney Hemsworth, and Locust Hemsworth. It really seems like when you’re learning from the best, there’s no limit to how far you can go!
This is so exciting! If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Hemsworth brother, but haven’t really known where to start, you should definitely check out Liam’s class. It’s so awesome that Liam is taking the time to teach aspiring Hemsworth brothers the basics, and give them the tools they need to achieve their dream of being part of the Hemsworth family and doing things like hanging out with the Hemsworths’ dad and starring in Marvel movies! Kudos to Liam for his generosity and taking the time to help inspire the next generation of Hemsworth brothers!
Tough Spot: JD Vance Just Had To Spend A Whole Press Conference Defending Trump’s Post About How He Wants To Use JD Vance As A Golf Club
JD Vance has often found himself on cleanup duty after President Trump’s seemingly unhinged online statements, and this most recent instance might be his most difficult job yet: The Vice President just had to spend a whole press conference defending Trump’s post about how he wants to use JD Vance as a golf club.
Late last night, President Trump took to Truth Social to write a surprising screed about his VP. Read the post below:
Almost as soon as the post went up, the Internet was up in arms, with many X and Truth Social users stating that the President likely couldn’t hold Vance’s body up long enough to use him as a golf club, and others criticizing his focus on using the VP as a golf club while the war in Iran continues to drag on.
JD Vance himself likely felt apprehensive about the content of Trump’s post, but he nevertheless defended the President in a White House press briefing this morning. “Look: President Trump has worked with me, he’s seen me in action, he feels confident I would make a good golf club, and he thinks that would be what’s best for the country right now,” said Vance. “This administration isn’t afraid to get rid of the usual norms around who or what should be a golf club, or a baseball bat, or any kind of sports equipment. Because it’s very obvious that the way the Democratic establishment has been approaching golf clubs has done absolutely nothing for the American people.”
When a reporter from Reuters asked Vance whether Trump using him as a golf club was expected to have a positive effect on the American economy, the Vice President responded by saying, “Yes.”
Wow. JD Vance really has his work cut out for him today. We hope the media keeps pressing him on the issue, because if Trump is really going to use the Vice President as a golf club, the American people need to know more.
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
Duffel Blog
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Britain ‘not faintest idea’ how to ‘brace’ for ‘heatwave’
Drink pints and eat chips: Manchesterism in practice, explained by a Mancunian
ANDY Burnham is all about Manchesterism. And, what with living in Ardwick, so am I. Let me tell you how it works here on the ground:
Chips for tea
If Manchester stands for anything, it’s chips for tea. Not every night, unless you’ve the misfortune of being vegan. Every Friday, usually Mondays, Wednesdays occasionally, Sundays if you’ve not been able to shift your hangover. Also we have chips for dinner. What you’d call lunch.
Pints
You can get cocktails and the like up here but you can’t really go wrong with a pint, can you? And another pint after that. Followed by whatever you like but chances are it’ll be another pint once you’re two down. If anything else seems like the thing you’re not fitting in.
Rain
Not sure how Andy’s planning to shroud the whole country in the beautiful rain we get 24-7 and 365 up here, but he’ll need to if we’re going to get everyone in anoraks. You can’t beat a good downpour. Makes the cobbles glisten.
Gays
We’re very big on our gays up here, but they’re proper gays. Not these online queers you get down south. To claim an alternative sexuality down Canal Street you’re still required to pass the physical examination. Also, you have to eat at McTucky’s and survive.
Curry
It’s not all chips, as I detailed above. There’s also the Curry Mile, a phantasmagoria of spices and neon signs that serves everything the Indian subcontinent has to offer. Your arse’ll be smoking like there’s a flare up it.
Very specific musical nostalgia
All the best bands come from Manchester if you insist on an arbitrary cut-off point of roughly 1996. Joy Division, New Order, The Smiths, the Roses and the Mondays, Oasis, music ends after that. There’s the lad who does the rapping I suppose but he’s not on Factory.
Hatred for your immediate neighbours
You’re no real Manc if you don’t despise Liverpool, loathe Leeds, look down on Birmingham and consider London beneath contempt. Personally I think anyone from Salford’s a twat. Should fit right in with Britain’s post-Brexit foreign policy.
Bees on shit
They only used to be on the bins, but this last 15 years we’ve adopted the bee as the symbol of our fair city and plastered them on everything. They represent Manchester because they work together for the good of all, they’re natty little bastards and if you mess with them, they’ll f**k you up. Alright?
The five very peculiar boxes Josh Widdicombe ticks as Strictly host
JOSH Widdicombe’s casting as the new Strictly Come Dancing host? Just the latest BBC box-ticking exercise. Specifically these:
The ‘Hobbit’ box
If BBC presenters aren’t from London, they tend to come from the North or Wales. And while this is good for representation, the broadcaster has been lacking when it comes to hiring scruffy-haired yokels from the Shire. Widdicombe hits this diversity target and thanks to clever camerawork you’ll never know he’s three feet shorter than Emma Willis.
The ‘Zippy-voiced’ box
Most presenters have voices audiences enjoy hearing, but not everyone is blessed with the warm, earthy tones of a Wogan or Attenborough. By presenting a prime time family show, Josh Widdicombe has beaten those gatekeepers and proved the weirdly-voiced deserve the dignity of being listened to as well. His laugh is also a bit much.
The ‘annoys your mum and dad’ box
Every light entertainment BBC show must include at least one host that makes your mum and dad leave furious, misspelt screeds in the Daily Mail comments section. A clever move on the Beeb’s part, as angry parents will purposefully tune in regardless to boost their blood pressure and bump up the ratings in the process.
The ‘not Romesh Ranganathan’ box
Hard to believe, but a slim minority of BBC shows are not presented by Romesh Ranganathan. Often they’re scheduled in BBC Three’s graveyard slot so as not to disturb people with his troubling absence. To ease the general public into the weird notion of a mainstream show without him, there will be trigger warnings before each episode.
The ‘straight white male’ box
The rarest of all boxes. Contrary to popular belief, the BBC is charter-bound to hire a heterosexual white man as a presenter every now and then. Having listened to the mixed reaction to Josh Widdicombe’s announcement though, the broadcaster will make sure this box is never ticked again. It’s diversity hiring from here on out because that’s what the public wants.
Southampton spy was Middlesbrough double agent
THE Southampton spy who has caused the club to be removed from Championship play-offs was actually a Middlesbrough double agent.
Oliver O’Connor was ostensibly caught recording a Boro training session, prompting the FA to replace Southampton with Boro in the Championship play-off final and O’Connor to radio ‘mission accomplished’ back to base.
He said: “Come on. I was ‘hiding between a tree and some bushes’? How shit a spy do you think I am?
“The whole plan was to get caught, admit it, and boost Middlesbrough into a play-off final they could never have reached by fair means. False flags aren’t just for incidents of white men doing terrorism!
“Southampton had no idea I’d been turned by their rivals, but Boro could offer me inducements no South coast club ever could. Cheap oil and a lifetime’s supply of parmos.
“Job done. Southampton ruined. Middlesbrough now only have Hull City to beat and they’re in the Premier League. No way will they do it.”
Southampton manager Tonda Eckert said: “This should secure us at least another two seasons in the Championship, thank Christ. We’d get the shit kicked out of us in the Premier League.”
Masturbating only a sin if you’re hot, says church
THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others.
Following consultation with bishops, the Anglican church has decreed onanism is fine for those who nobody wants to get off, but an offence in God’s sight for hotties.
Stephen Cottrell, Archbishop of York, said: “The diocese has met and we have decreed: it’s fine if you’re below a six out of ten. Or four and lower for women.
“Intense biblical study and private prayer revealed that God pities those who are both ugly and horny, and, because of the loneliness that will follow them through life, begrudges them not monkey spanking.
“But if, hypothetically, asking the truth of the Lord within your heart, there are others who could benefit from your orgasm God condemns your self-flagellation and will send you straight to the fiery pits of hell. Share your love around, as Christ did.
“For as Matthew 5:15 states, ‘Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.’ He couldn’t have been clearer.”
Devout Christian Jordan Gardner said: “For years I feared the Almighty’s judgement, for I am at it six times a day. But I am absolved for being a steg. I knew God was cool.”
The Poke
Donald Trump accidentally admitted how little he cares about rising fuel prices and paid big time in the replies
Chalk up another win for the folks who think politicians can’t relate to the common man. (Hopefully it starts to matter?) Donald Trump gave a tour of his permanent bulldozing of the historic White House grounds this week. Somehow, destroying the White House as his own personal vanity project wasn’t the most out-of-touch moment of […]
The Poke.
Keir Starmer’s trolling of Zack Polanski was already good but his A++ dig at Andy Burnham at PMQs today was great
Not sure if Keir Starmer has already resigned himself to moving on from 10 Downing Street in the very near future, but the PM does seem an awful lot more relaxed at the Despatch Box right now. Maybe it’s just us, obviously. Who do you think we are – John Cole? (one for younger readers […]
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People shared the ‘real-life chat codes that work almost every time’ – 17 five-star short cuts to use IRL
We’re all familiar with cheat codes, those obscure sets of commands that give you an unfair advantage in a computer game. But it turns out they’re not just limited to the virtual world. That’s right, it turns out life is its own sort of game that can be played to your advantage. Provided you know […]
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Not many things capture the state we’re in now better than ‘pictures of the end’ on Twitter – 30 funniest snapshots of impending apocalypse
Over on Twitter there’s a rather fabulous account called ‘pictures of the end’ which describes itself as ‘documenting the end of the world / follow to witness the last era of humans and animals on earth’. And by the looks of it – like all good things – it has come to an end itself. […]
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Donald Trump claimed he’s going to make the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool waterproof and got wiped out in a wave of clapbacks
Of all the ludicrous promises that have come out of the White House since Donald Trump waddled back in there last year, this scientifically impossible claim might be the best. The General Contractor in Chief was giving an update on his dream home renovation project when he dropped this gem about upgrading the Lincoln Memorial […]
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