The Onion
Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends
WASHINGTON—Raising questions over the ethics of profiting in private business ventures while still holding office, a report released Tuesday found that President Donald Trump has made almost $1.4 billion in his second term selling Tupperware to friends. “Since officially reclaiming the presidency in January 2025, Donald Trump has used the multitude of connections associated with the presidency to move a massive quantity of food storage containers and other kitchen accessories,” the report concluded, citing a recent Cabinet meeting in which the president demonstrated the leak-proof lids of a three-piece bowl set and strongly advised everyone in attendance to purchase the containers, as well as a companion set of stackable tumblers. “Not only has Trump convened several emergency sessions of Congress to pitch the FridgeSmart storage four-pack to lawmakers, he’s also leveraged his position on the international stage. For example, he appears to be attending this week’s NATO summit solely because the member nations seemed amenable to purchasing millions of space-saving two-quart pitchers in exchange for increased U.S. support for Ukraine. Evidently, when you’re the president of the United States, you can pressure a lot of people into buying a lot of Tupperware.” At press time, a panicking Vice President JD Vance was reportedly struggling to come up with the $500,000 he had pledged for the hundreds of boxes of liquid-tight serving bowls that were now stacked in front of his home.
The Onion.
Study: Average Woman Prefers Partner Who Is Member Of ZZ Top
HOUSTON—A new study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Houston revealed that the average American woman vastly prefers a romantic partner who is a member of ZZ Top. “While emotional intelligence and a sense of humor factor into their decision-making, heterosexual women are still largely judging men based on their possession of a foot-long beard, a Stetson hat, and an ability to solo on stage to ‘La Grange,’ ‘Gimme All Your Lovin’, ’ and ‘Legs,’ ” lead researcher Christoph Borgen said of the study, which surveyed over 15,000 women and found that the single most determinative factor in their dating choices was whether a man drives around in a vintage Ford hot rod, wears rhinestone jackets, and, most crucially, has spent years in the blues-rock group ZZ Top. “These findings hold true regardless of race, age, or religious background. Most women simply want to settle down with someone who regularly plays a spinnable, fuzzy guitar.” The study concluded that the greatest difficulty facing modern women in the dating pool is knowing how to determine whether the man they are courting is Billy Gibbons, Frank Beard, or Elwood Francis beneath the iconic sunglasses and matching leather jackets.
The Onion.
Critics Hail New Minions Movie As A Love Letter To Minions
LOS ANGELES—In reviews that urge fans nostalgic for the hyperactive yellow creatures’ glory days to rush to their local theaters, critics across the nation are hailing the new Minions movie as a love letter to Minions. “This is, first and foremost, a celebration of Minions,” critic Robert Colgate wrote Tuesday of the latest installment in the Minions franchise, pointing out that fans of the Minions would have plenty of visual references to feast their eyes on throughout the film, which includes hundreds of shots of Minions. “We know by the way director and voice actor Pierre Coffin depicts his characters that he has a deep love and respect for the Minions that only someone who really understands the history and legacy of Minions could achieve. For those of us who appreciate the drama and glamour of the Minions, Minions & Monsters is a Minion-filled delight.” Colgate went on to note that eagle-eyed viewers might notice that even the film’s title is an homage to Minions.
The Onion.
Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists
QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists. “The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule when engaging with females, or know how to deploy a neg to depress an HB’s [hot babe’s] confidence,” said Patel, adding that he would immediately loosen FBI wardrobe guidelines to accommodate the leopard-patterned fur coats, bedazzled tank tops, and oversized fedoras required for peacocking. “Most agents are sixes who could be pulling smoking-hot tens if they had the right tools, which is why it’s imperative they work closely with the PUA community. When they’re not keeping America safe, I want the FBI sarging at the clubs, armed with the proven, psychology-based techniques I myself use to this day.” Reached for comment, one FBI agent who did not wish to be named told reporters The Game came out in 2005 and only old creeps tried working that pickup artist shit now.
The Onion.
NBC Unveils Interactive Chicago Pop-Up To Promote Procedural Franchise
NEW YORK—Touting the temporary installation as a chance to get totally immersed in the network’s popular dramas, NBC unveiled an interactive Chicago pop-up Tuesday to promote its procedural franchise. “Fans of Chicago Fire, Chicago P.D., and Chicago Med finally have a chance to see the Midwestern city just as Dick Wolf imagined it,” said NBC spokesperson Stephanie Farris, adding that the 235-square-mile exhibit is open to the public from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. at Rockefeller Center alongside a fully functional Lake Michigan. “Whether you want to take a real-life bus to work, eat a big sandwich, or drink beer in a bar just like your favorite fictional public servants do, this is the ultimate Chicago experience. To get the vision right, we collaborated with renowned 19th-century architects to construct multiple iconic Beaux-Arts landmarks, and then we trucked in a bunch of Polish people. It truly feels like the Chicagoverse is an actual place, just like on your favorite shows.” Farris also explained that guests could pay an extra $100 to participate in the Chicago tradition of being hit by a car.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Kids Sentenced To Another Week At Different VBS
MOBILE, AL — After surviving five consecutive days of "Jungle Quest: Following Jesus Into The Wild" just last month, local children Kate and Brayden Maxwell were reportedly sentenced by their parents to serve another week in the jungle at yet another Vacation Bible School across town.
Mitch McConnell's Staff Assures Public His Death Will Not Prevent Him From Finishing His Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As rumors continued to swirl throughout the nation's capital regarding his status, Senator Mitch McConnell's staff assured the public that his death would not prevent him from finishing his term.
U.S. Back In World Cup After Trump Deports Belgian Team
U.S. — The United States Men's National Team was officially placed back in the World Cup after President Donald Trump ordered the deportation of the entire Belgian team.
8 Simple, Foolproof Ways To Test An Athlete's Gender
On June 30, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of states to ban transgender athletes from competing in female sports. Now, the hard work begins to identify the trans athletes and ensure that women's sports are protected from men forever. But how?
Dems Wishing There Had Been Some Sort Of Sign That Platner Was A Bad Person
U.S. — In the wake of sexual assault allegations being leveled at Senate nominee Graham Platner, Democrats were left wishing there had been some sort of warning sign that he was a bad person.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired
The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.
Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
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Daily Mash
By-election will be chance to visit Clacton, says Farage
NIGEL Farage has resigned to fight the establishment in a by-election, adding that campaigning will also allow him to visit Clacton for the first time since 2024.
The Reform leader has quit his position to fight a ‘people vs the establishment’ by-election, and said if anyone has an address for the people of Clacton he would be grateful for the chance to reconnect.
He continued: “Or my own address, come to that. I know I’ve got a place there somewhere but it’s got a bit lost in the old portfolio.
“I haven’t been able to hold a constituency surgery there for the last two years for security reasons. I was given £5m which I’m claiming I’m spending on security? Yeah, but that wouldn’t be enough for Clacton. It’s dog-rough.
“Anyway yes, looking forward to touching base with the residents, shaking hands, drinking pints in pubs, telling their daytime drinkers I could be earning real big money in the United States which I’m sure they’ll be able to empathise with.
“It’s by the sea, isn’t it? Hopefully we’ll be able to see some of those small boats I talk so much about. We definitely won’t see any of my crypto billionaire pals I don’t like to talk about, they wouldn’t be seen dead in the place.”
Clacton resident Wayne Hayes said: “Brilliant bloke, Farage. Saviour of this country. Next prime minister. Will I vote? Nah, I don’t bother with by-elections.”
Nobody in office interested in details of boss’s charity challenge
THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.
When chief operating officer Nathan Muir, aged 49, asked for a moment of his staff’s time he expected cheers, awe and promises of vast sums but instead got carefully blank faces and barely perceptible nods.
He said: “I’d been building up to the moment I announced I was doing the Swansea Bay Ironman Triathlon next year, so convened a special lunchtime meeting.
“But the big reveal got me nothing. I can’t understand why. It wasn’t from any lack of enthusiasm on my part, or the quality of the PowerPoint and spiral-bound brochures.
“I outlined the course: a mile swim, then biking out through Mumbles into the hills of the Gower peninsula, then a final 13.1k loop along the bay. I invited them along to spectate, but they were staring at their shoes and checking their phones. This is 70.2 kilometres! It is a big deal!”
Team leader Oliver O’Connor said: “So that’s a year of training, boring on about his hydration levels and telling the girls to prod his calves, frequent absences we’ll have to cover and he’s asking us to pay him £50 each.
“Sorry, it’s for charity. Though he didn’t mention which one, presumably because that’s beside the f**king point.”
How we’d change the World Cup to make it better, by an American
HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win:
No offside
It’s like, freakin’ what? The guy scored! He scored a goal with the ball and you’re saying it’s against the rules because of some complete other guy way over there? Because he wasn’t equidistant to the prime meridian or whatever? No way man, that was a goal. Lose that rule and thank us for it.
No red cards
You’re dismissing a guy who’s actual box office? Who’s drawing in paying customers who bought tickets to see him? And not just for that game but the game after? You know how many class action suits that’s leaving you open to? That is leaving money on the table for nothing but some bitch-ass rule and sir, that is not American.
No free kicks
This is a game for men, dammit, not dainty porcelain dolls behind glass in a museum. Your guy breaks a leg? He gets paid, there’s another guy, use your draft pick on him. None of this ‘oh, he’s injured, now you get a turn’ bullshit. He might be faking. He’s foreign.
More goals
Seriously, 90 minutes passes and I haven’t seen one goal? And you call that entertainment? Every quarter – your game has quarters now like a real one, deal with it – there isn’t a goal, another ball gets put on the pitch. You think once you get four balls out there, Ronaldo isn’t going to score a hat-rack and break records? Exactly.
Penalty shootouts every game
In basketball, objectively the second-greatest sport, it goes right to the final buzzer. Any team can win. Soccer needs that energy, so from now on every game ends in penalties. Even if you’re three goals up, like Belgium unfairly were last night, then penalties can turn all that over in an instant. Keeps audiences watching so put commercials in between.
Make it gayer
Weren’t expecting that, huh? Already thought your sport was as gay as it could possibly be? But trust me, put the players in shoulder pads, shiny helmets, tight spandex pants and begin every play with close-ups of their tight ends, and soon it’ll be so uncomfortably gay you’ll need cheerleaders to reassure the fans. Which can be monetised separately.
Man discovers women’s profiles on dating apps have bios
A MAN was astonished to find that women’s profiles on dating apps contain useful information about them once you scroll past the first photo.
Jack Browne, aged 24, could not believe the amount of actionable personal information freely available on women’s profiles when, by accident, he does not instantly judge on their looks and swipe left.
He said: “I was trying to scroll down to get a better look at this one girl’s cleavage, and there it all was. Her age, height, location, all clearly laid out. Plus her name, which I forget.
“I thought it must be a freak glitch, but it’s on every woman’s profile. Along with details about their job, what they do for fun, and what they want out of a relationship. It’s almost like they’re sifting for compatible partners instead of meaningless hookups.
“Armed with all that useful data, I thought about crafting personalised opening messages to my matches. But then I thought no, that’s creepy, they’ll think I’m some kind of stalker pervert who wants to get to know them. So I’m sticking with ‘nice arse’.
“Nobody’s replied to me yet though. Which I’m taking as proof that women are actually shallow bitches and are only interested in wealth, status and height.”
Dating app user Nikki Hollis said: “Dating apps kind of work the opposite way for women. Finding a man likes ‘banter’ and is seeking someone who ‘doesn’t take life too seriously’ can repel us from even the most gorgeous.”
Ethnic minority man who shortened his name immediately beloved by gammons
A MEMBER of an ethnic minority who bastardised his name into a single, easy-to-pronounce syllable has been lifted into the air by his gammon colleagues.
After deciding that ‘Sid’ was about his workmates’ level, Siddharth Patel was transformed in moments from ‘one of those diversity hires’ to ‘one of the good ones’.
He said: “I decided it was easier than repeatedly correcting everyone, but it’s been taken like I’ve offered the olive branch of peace after generations of war.
“It’s unlocked a series of previously unavailable workplace privileges, including Friday pub lunches and being told ‘we don’t mean you, mate’ when immigration comes up. Which it does far more frequently than I had previously realised.
“We’ve gone from ‘where are you really from?’ and ‘do you even drink?’ to invites to play five-a-side, all because I now bear the moniker of an elderly white man. They assume I support England in the cricket. And that I care about cricket.
“It’s amazing what deleting six letters can do for race relations. I’ve told my wife to become ‘Jaz’ immediately and she’ll be promoted by the end of the week.”
Psychologist Sophie Rodriguez said: “The phenomenon has been observed for decades with Mohammed becoming Mo and countless Chinese students deciding ‘Kevin’ was preferable to three years of ‘I’ll never get that right’.”
Patel’s colleagues have declared Britain the least racist country in the world, citing the fact they ‘get on brilliantly with Sid’ and ‘he even eats sandwiches’.
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