The Onion
Alex Garland Regrets Blowing Most Of ‘Elden Ring’ Budget On DEX
NEW YORK—Voicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. “Of course, it’s good to have some points in Dexterity given the bows and rapiers in the movie, but I’m starting to think I should have put some of that money toward makeup or sound editing or paying the actors,” said the filmmaker, adding that most of the cast and crew had already hit the stat’s second soft cap after the first $5 million. “It made sense to max out Kit Connor’s DEX for the big Waterfowl Dance sequence in the finale, but I probably could have gotten away with just giving the craft services people Radagon’s Soreseal and enough INT to run an air fryer. We had weeks of filming delays from injury because everyone only got base Vigor, and Nick Offerman’s Endurance was so low the poor guy was fat rolling before we even got him in costume. Man, I really fucked this up. No wonder Spielberg always uses a quality build.” At press time, Garland had reportedly used a Larval Tear to respec the film’s entire budget into Claymation.
The Onion.
Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things
PROVIDENCE, RI—In breakthrough research that upends prevailing notions of human cognitive capacity, a new study published Wednesday by scientists at Brown University found that the brain is capable of storing up to 40 things. “We’ve always known the human brain is a remarkable repository of information, but until now, we thought that meant five or six things at most—boy, were we mistaken,” said cognitive psychologist Melanie Vicker, highlighting one test subject who demonstrated the ability to recall their name, the names of some family members, eight colors, five shapes, a handful of BTS songs, and a few animals. “The participants in our study were just ordinary people, not savants. Now that we know what our brains are truly capable of, the next question is how do we help more people unlock that potential so that everyone can store most of the alphabet, some presidents, and the name of a body part?” At press time, Vicker had forgotten the study ever existed after all knowledge of it was forced out of her brain by learning the day’s weather.
The Onion.
Bain Capital Acquires Tibetan Buddhism For $35 Million
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In a move that adds diverse value to the global investment firm’s holdings, Bain Capital announced Thursday the acquisition of Tibetan Buddhism, financing a $35 million deal for a controlling stake in the religion.
Bain corporate officers said they believe Tibetan Buddhism has the fundamentals to be a leader in the dharmic space, but claimed the religion has languished for the last thousand years under complacent management and suboptimal capital allocation. The Boston-based private equity firm confirmed chairman John P. Connaughton would serve as interim Dalai Lama to shepherd the legacy institution through its next phase of development.
“For centuries, this organization has been guided by outdated principles that are antithetical to investor and shareholder concerns, prioritizing incentives like wisdom, mental discipline, and the Four Noble Truths over margin expansion and top-line growth,” said Harvard Business School alum and new spiritual leader of the Tibetan people Connaughton, citing the former leadership’s outright renunciation of material gains as a major contributor to the religion’s negative asset valuation. “Bain’s extensive resources will allow us to make operational and strategic improvements to the Mahayana tradition that will maximize revenue and increase market position.”
“I plan to implement a viable eightfold path to profitability,” the executive bodhisattva added.
The 15th Dalai Lama brings decades of investing expertise to the role.
According to Connaughton, Bain plans to reduce the religion’s archive-maintenance costs by transferring its teachings to a digital database so that the antiquated Edgeworthia-fiber papers they were written on—some of which date back more than 1,000 years—can be destroyed. Other overdue upgrades to the “seemingly ancient systems” the company inherited will include an expansion of brand awareness through targeted online shentong believer outreach and executive training for all monastic talent level gelong and above.
In addition, Connaughton stated that Bain’s in-house marketing team was working to “refresh” the visual design assets of Tibetan Buddhism, employing state-of-the-art generative AI graphics capabilities to create “sleek, modern redesigns of obsolete Kalachakra mandalas.”
As part of the terms of sale, Bain will also take control of a number of tantric and esoteric intellectual properties, including the Dzogchen, or Great Perfection, tradition, which officials said they intend to leverage into a profitable subscription model. On the B2B side, Bain will license a scalable version of the samsara cycle directly to other religions, while individual practitioners will be able to access the extinguishment of desire, the eventual attainment of nirvana, and all the sacred texts of the Tibetan Buddhism canon for a renewable $100 monthly fee.
“Tibetan Buddhism is one of the longest-running reincarnation platforms in Asia, with industry-recognized spiritual advisors and a highly respected regional brand,” said Bain Capital public affairs liaison Ernie Anguilla, claiming the Eastern religion’s reputation as a premier enlightenment service provider has set it apart from its Vedic competitors. “The enterprise is underpinned by a devoted client base that has helped it remain karmically solvent through several major recessions and changes in dynasty.”
“Our goal is to maintain and grow our customer base and keep them coming back lifetime after lifetime,” Anguilla added.
In a leaked internal memo concerning “workforce optimization,” Connaughton announced the redundancy of more than 45,000 roles, including senior monks, mid-level yogis, and all non-celibate ngakpas, effective immediately. The memo went on to inform any retained staff that free room and board and company-issued kasaya workwear would no longer be provided at Bain’s expense.
Citing “unnecessary overhead” from running thousands of satellite temples worldwide, the new owners also confirmed the immediate consolidation of operations currently spanning Tibet, China, India, and the Himalayas to a 5,000-square-foot office space in the Dallas metro area, where it has already filed for tax status as a limited liability company under the name Vajrayāna Holdings LLC.
“Through a combination of aggressive cutbacks and rapid expansion, Mongol-Tibetan Buddhism could be in the black by the end of Q4 next year,” said Bain managing partner David Gross, using projections based on a similar acquisition of Mormonism the company took on in 1987. “Bain Capital is proud to bring its deep religious-sector expertise, assertive buy-and-build mentality, and wide support network to that effort.”
“I obviously can’t say which Indo-Buddhist philosophical traditions we are currently in talks with,” Gross continued, “but the plan is to amass a portfolio of smaller complementary fringe indigenous religions to capture market share.”
When reached for comment, former Dalai Lama Lhamo Thondup confirmed he had accepted a generous buyout package for the remainder of his lifetime contract but would stay on part-time in a consultancy role for three additional incarnations.
The Onion.
Room That Scares The Dog
This newly restored 5-bedroom Victorian home combines timeless charm with modern comforts save for one locked room under the stairs that the dog will bark at repeatedly in abject terror.
The Onion.
As Good As It Gets
You can refresh Zillow all you want, but this 2-bedroom mess in a run-down neighborhood is all you can afford, and no amount of wishing or daydreaming is going to change that.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman
The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman.
Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century!
House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.”
In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!”
“Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint.
Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.”
How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet!
To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!
The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To
As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to.
Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess?
As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA.
“As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”
The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else.
Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.
Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume
Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume.
It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?!
Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.
According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.”
“It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.”
Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.
President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.
A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There
Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there.
Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.
With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City.
To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.
There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma.
Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours.
Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!
Duffel Blog
Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035
THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.
Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.
Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con
FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.
Daily Mash
Guardian reader cowering from fireworks
DEAFENING fireworks will be causing a Guardian reader to scurry for cover behind his sofa tonight.
Quivering left-wing newspaper reader Nathan Muir will be spending 5th November in his usual position crouched behind a settee due to the loud bangs that spook him every year.
Muir’s wife and owner Sarah said: “It’s not just the noise that scares him. The fireworks have a carbon footprint which terrifies him too.
“I wish people would be more considerate before letting them off. Not everyone’s got a big, brave Sun reader at home whose primitive brain enjoys this sort of pointless, flashy display.
“I’ve tried calming Nathan down by cranking up Clair de lune and chucking a sudoku puzzle into his safe space, but it never works. He just whimpers about how privileged he is to have someone looking after him and starts crying.
“Shit, his pathetic yelps have set off all the other Guardian readers on the street. They’ll be howling about how fireworks are due to the patriarchy or something all night. I’ll be lucky to get him to sleep.”
Muir said: “Oh my God, these fireworks are a problematic appropriation of Chinese culture, I think I’m going to piss myself.”
Co-worker desperate to let you know he had sex last night
AN office worker has tried to crowbar having sex the night before into every conversation.
Colleagues began to notice something was amiss when Martin Bishop strutted into the office with his coat slung casually over one shoulder and a sickly grin on his face.
Co-worker Ellie Shaw said: “Martin’s always one of the first in, but this morning he sauntered in slightly late trying to get everyone to notice his good mood.
“He was weirdly keen to ask what we’d done the night before, and very complimentary about everyone’s mundane responses, but no one was foolish enough to ask about his.
“When that didn’t work he started yawning loudly, moaning about his back, stretching his legs and working his jaw from side to side. He even guzzled energy drinks and vitamin shots instead of tea. It was all quite nauseating.
“We could tell he was getting frustrated by our lack of engagement, so he resorted to mumbling loudly about how little sleep he’d had.
“At 11.45 I caved and asked why he was so knackered. He said ‘Oh, I was doing it last night. You know, the old sex. Making the beast with two backs.’
“I cringed and thankfully that was that. I didn’t have the heart to tell him most people have had sex, which is why there are all these humans.”
How Elon Musk pissed $500m down the electoral drain, dollar by dollar
ELON Musk, the world’s richest man, is now half a billion poorer with nothing but a blue wave to show for it. Here’s how he wasted his cash:
$27,000,000 backing total no-hoper online Nazi knobhead with social media history of sliding into your dog’s DMs in South Carolina, beaten by normal politician
$42,500,000 of attack ads in Kansas accusing Democrat candidate of being a blue-haired vegan who poops in kindergartens and demands taxpayer dollars to eat it as performance art; candidate wins regardless
$62,000,000 put behind the re-election of popular pro-guns common-sense candidate to senatorial seat in Delaware before discovering they’re the Democrat
$125,000,000 funding Proposition 63.3 in Nebraska, reclassifying data centres as agriculture and requisitioning 150 per cent of the state’s water to supply them, defeated in 98-2 split vote
$88,000,000 backing a tough, no-nonsense former veteran who snarls ‘Trans? There weren’t no trans on Iwo Jima!’ to become governor of Arkansas, who turns out to be entirely hallucinated by Grok
$18,000,000 to forthright white nationalist running to become representative for Pennsylvania who is ineligible for office because it’s Tommy Robinson with ‘Jr’ at the end
$96,000,000 spent on successfully electing Republican senator for Colorado, only to find he’s black
$42,499,950 on VR simulation where all results went his way and everyone agrees he’s brilliant and colony ships crewed entirely by his children are landing on Mars
$50 mopping up jizz while Elon enjoys above simulation, ongoing
How soon can I realistically go for doggy with my new girlfriend? A quiz for blokes
JUST embarked on a new relationship? Wondering whether you can justifiably suggest doing it doggy-style already? Take this test.
How long have you been seeing her?
A) A week. We slept together on our first date, so hopefully she’s the sort of slapper who’ll be up for it. And she’s one of the few women who’s prepared to have sex with me, so things are looking good.
B) A couple of months, but we only slept together a week ago as she wanted to be sure I ‘wasn’t just interested in her for sex’. Which I’m not. It’s someone to talk to while you’re eating too.
Have you tried dropping a hint?
A) No, I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t really want to ask if she wants to get down on all fours like a farm animal while I mount her as if I’m getting on with some separate activity to do with with her arse.
B) Yes. I put on some porn of a couple going at it like a pair of Alsatians, but she just thought I was watching mucky videos and looked disgusted. I think I need to go out with someone more intelligent.
Does she seem broadminded?
A) Yes, she seems to have a healthy appetite for sex, some might say ‘insatiable’. Oddly, my mates kept nudging one another and grinning when I told them who I’d started dating. I expect they’re just happy for me because their partners are a bit frigid.
B) She always looks at me very lovingly, actually it’s more ‘intense staring’, so maybe she’ll be open to my sexual needs. That or she’s a bunny boiler who’s already taken delivery of the wedding dress.
Have you had much experience of doing it doggy-style?
A) Loads. My last girlfriend was well into it and we did it all the time. However I later found out she liked doing it like that with Mark, Chris and Tom from down the pub, so maybe it wasn’t my amazing technique. I think it was though.
B) None, but watching people doing it on Pornhub makes me think it’s the height of eroticism. The woman in the video was loving it, I’ve never known a girl so enthusiastic for sex. What do you mean, she’s an actress? No way, you don’t see Judi Dench doing that.
Why doggy?
A) Because I’m a stimulating lover who likes to vary things.
B) Because I like women’s arses and frankly when we do it missionary I find all the eye contact unnerving. It’s not my fault my brain has evolved to look out for predators.
Mostly As. Congratulations, you’re in! Now try not to get excited about this exciting sexual position and make her wonder what all the fuss was about after ten seconds.
Mostly Bs. Don’t get your hopes up. If she does generously grant you the chance to shag her doggy-style, it’ll be with the air of doing you a massive favour like driving you from Leeds to Bournemouth on her day off, which isn’t that sexy.
Dear Donald: A letter from Natalie Harp that was hard to write
SOMETHING has changed between us and I think we’ve both sensed it. I’m not sure what exactly, but I think it’s to do with that awful Tuesday night.
There we were, waiting for the Republican victory I knew was coming because you’d predicted it on TV, and then everything seemed to go wrong. Normally I love changing your giant nappy, but this time – somehow – all the pleasure was gone.
Since then I’ve been having doubts about us. I’ve always seen you as a great man, but after the disaster at the midterms I saw only a weak, tired, bloated, obnoxious, egotistical, deluded, selfish, stupid, boorish, disloyal, annoying, petty, corrupt, perverted scumbag. I know that’s totally unfair, but I can’t help how I feel.
Oh gosh. I should stop being a coward and just come out and say it. Donald, we need to split up.
Don’t get me wrong – being with you has been the happiest time of my life. You always made sure I had more printing tasks and faeces to deal with than a girl could dream of. You looked after my health by making me run after your golf cart. But if we’re honest you need someone more your type, like the actual wife you married.
Believe me when I say it’s not you, it’s me. Much has been made of my father’s early death leaving me in need of a father figure. But who can blame me when you excel at parenthood as you do at everything? You love your children so much you remember some of their names and want to bang one of them.
But sadly we could never be a proper man and wife having full marital relations. Not because a human Jabba the Hutt in clown makeup hopelessly trying to penetrate an unstable young woman 45 years his junior is a genuinely repulsive thought, but because you are out of my league.
If you hate me I totally understand. But grant me one last request and let me choose my replacement. I would never forgive myself if they weren’t sufficiently fawning and obsequious to handle your turds with the respect they deserve. I’d suggest Pete Hegseth.
The Poke
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