Straggler Cicadas To Appear

Cicadas referred to as “stragglers” because they emerge off-cycle may appear this year despite their broods not being expected to emerge, with scientists unsure how they lose track of time. What do you think? “But I already put away all the decorations!” Matteo Sousa, Decoupage Expert “It’s never too late to start screaming until you die.” Lachlan Fitzgerald, Broom Assembler “Yet they wonder why other cicadas never want to make plans with them.” Ingrid Wilmot, Cactus Pruner The Onion.

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours

Bryce P. Tetraeder Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault. Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com. I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me… Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800. Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact. With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website.  The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America. All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together? I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one. So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag.  Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron The Onion.

Surgeon Charged After Removing Wrong Organ

A Florida doctor was charged with second-degree manslaughter after accidentally removing a patient’s liver instead of his spleen. What do you think? “Oh, picky, picky, picky.” Beatrix Rousseau, Soap Carver “I don’t envy surgeons having to distinguish two things in the same general area.” Santiago Vega, Machine Namer “That’s why I prefer to do my own surgeries.” Tobias Bergman, Flask Polisher The Onion.

‘Beef’ Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat

LOS ANGELES—Teasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would focus on an escalating feud between a cartoon mouse and a cartoon cat. “I’m still ironing out the details, but I can tell you now that the conflict will be much more physical in season three—think frying pans to the face and barrels of dynamite,” said Lee, who promised that fans of giant red throbbing thumbs and falling grand pianos would be riveted by the “edge-of-your-seat”  dynamic between the two sworn 2D rivals. “While season two is all about intergenerational conflict, the third season will focus on an interspecies one. The mouse is brown, the cat is gray, and they loathe each other. It’s actually based on an interaction I witnessed, but I can’t remember where.” At press time, actor Hudson Williams was reportedly in negotiations to play the role of a scowling bulldog. The Onion.

Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It

ST. LOUIS—Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to understand just how bad he is at it. “I picked up the guitar last year, and after endless hours of private lessons and online tutorials, I’ve now learned enough to realize that I have no idea what I’m doing with this instrument,” said the 45-year-old content strategist, watching a video of a professional guitarist fluidly strum his way through a progression of a dozen or more chords that Right admitted he could barely stretch his fingers around. “I’ve struggled for months to develop finger dexterity and remember which note is where, but at last I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to just pick up a guitar and immediately grasp how little talent I have for it. I’ve come a long way, and I can now see that I have absolutely no business trying to play music.” At press time, sources confirmed Right was once more making his way through a halting, half-assed version of “Crazy Train.” The Onion.

Tim Cook To Be Replaced By Tim Cook Pro Max 17

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple announced on Monday that longtime CEO Tim Cook would be stepping down from his role at the company and would be replaced by Tim Cook Pro Max 17, effective September 1.

39-Year-Old Man Considering Career Change To Astronaut

LOS ANGELES, CA — Sources disclosed that a 39-year-old man named Jordan Benson was reportedly considering a career change to become an astronaut after seeing that mankind is going back to the moon and possibly even Mars.

Mamdani Orders Visiting Teams To Redistribute Some Of Their Runs To The Mets

NEW YORK, NY — In a bold new effort to address what he referred to as "run inequality," Mayor Zohran Mamdani ordered that a percentage of runs scored by each visiting MLB team be redistributed to the struggling New York Mets.

Trump Promises To Learn From His Mistakes As Soon As He Does Something Wrong

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing increased criticism over the ongoing conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump promised to learn from his mistakes just as soon as he did something wrong.

Mamdani, Obama Treat Preschoolers To Reading Of 'The Communist Manifesto'

NEW YORK, NY — Former President Barack Obama and current New York City Mayor Zorhan Mamdani delighted preschool students this week by taking turns reading passages from the Communist Manifesto.

This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall

Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.  What do you notice?  Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?  Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.  This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.  It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.  Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.  Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.  You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.  Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.

Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’

If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.” Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times. Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society. “I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.” For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.  We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what. Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.

The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker

One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker. It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris. When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table. But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.  “I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.” As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker. Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.

Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address

If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning. After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain. PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.  This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you? Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.

What A Letdown: Grandma Just Emerged From Her Chrysalis Looking Exactly Like She Did Before

When Grandma entered her chrysalis three years ago, everyone thought she would come out looking completely different. We all got super excited to see what kind of disgusting or beautiful creature Grandma would become, and we assumed this would give us all sorts of interesting things to look at and talk about. Sadly, it turns out that we’ve been left with nothing but a huge letdown, because Grandma just emerged from her chrysalis looking exactly like she did before. What a huge disappointment. We waited all that time and wound up with the same exact Grandma we started with. Everyone remembers exactly what they were doing on that fateful day three years ago when Grandma tapped on a glass in the middle of dinner to get everyone’s attention and calmly said, “It’s time for me to transform,” before getting up and walking into the living room. When we finally checked on her a few days later, we discovered that her body had become fully enveloped inside of a shimmering green and gold chrysalis that hung above one of our recliners. That first moment of realizing Grandma had entered her chrysalis form was filled with so much hope and promise. We all remember how everyone in the family was hugging and cheering at the sight of Grandma’s chrysalis swaying slightly as it hung from the ceiling. We were all so excited about the possibility that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking completely different. For the next three years, everyone in the family was speculating wildly about what Grandma might transform into when she finally emerged from her chrysalis. Dad thought she might come out looking like an angel with enormous feathered wings and gigantic biceps who could lift him up over her head and fly him around town while he shouted curse words and flipped people off. “People would look up in the sky and scream, ‘Stop saying curse words! Stop flipping us off!’” Dad used to say, his eyes glazed over with a faraway look as he imagined Grandma’s helpful new body. “But they wouldn’t be able to do anything because my mother-in-law would be flying like a thousand miles in the sky and carrying me around, so if they wanted me to stop yelling swears at them from above, they would have to use missiles, and those are hard to get if you’re not the army, so there’d be no way to stop me.” Mom said that she hoped that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking exactly like Vladimir Lenin so that she could enter Grandma in the county fair’s annual Lenin Lookalike Contest and win the set of golf clubs they offer as the grand prize every year. Grandpa hoped that she came out looking like “a big swarm of flies” so that he could “see what it was like to be married to a big swarm of flies.” He also sometimes imagined that Grandma would emerge from the chrysalis looking like “a monster who is half donkey, half car, and half monster” so that he could “kiss a weird thing for free all the time.” Everyone in the family agreed this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said about another person in the history of human civilization. The rest of the family also had all sorts of amazing dreams for what Grandma might be turning into during her three years in the chrysalis. Some of us thought she was going to come out looking like a big ball of wriggling human fingers, others thought that she was going to become a big spider or a small spider or a normal-sized spider as big as a bus. Cousin Dorothy speculated that Grandma would turn into “a mysterious antlered beast that will only emerge from the forest during lunar festivals.” The possibilities seemed endless, and yet they all came crashing down just this morning when Grandma clawed her way out of her chrysalis looking exactly the same as she had when she first went in three years ago. She just fell out of the chrysalis onto the living room floor, stood up, looked at the whole family who were staring at her in shocked silence, and said, “I’m new,” before immediately going into the kitchen to start shoving fistfuls of potato chips into her mouth. When we asked her what the deal was, Grandma explained that she “became goo” inside the chrysalis, but then she apparently just reconstituted herself right back into the same exact body she started with. Dad got so emotional that he punched a hole in the drywall. Needless to say, this is one of the biggest letdowns our family has ever had. This is the kind of chrysalis-related anticlimax you always imagine happening to other people, but never to you. Now that it has, we’re all still trying to process how she could have spent so much time in there without a single visible transformation. Grandpa even cried a little bit when he realized that he was never, ever going to know what it’s like to be married to a big swarm of flies. Here’s hoping our family is able to pick up the pieces after this and we can find a way to heal in the wake of this catastrophe.

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.

Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing

WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”

'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25

KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week. Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.

Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran

THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.” Support military children. One of them is making decisions. The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."

Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement

ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”

I’m part of the toxic Bargain Hunt fandom, and it’s f**king great

By Joanna Kramer, online warrior for the very soul of Bargain Hunt OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters.  It’s hard to remember who I was before I became one of them. How I passed evenings when I wasn’t locked in furious argument online, going through that day’s show frame-by-frame looking for evidence of the showrunners’ vicious colonialism. Today my whole life is built around it. Delivering smackdowns to the Dickensonians here, moderating comments by the Wonnacottites there, releasing my rage at the low price a chipped Lladro achieved onto subreddits. It’s so fulfilling. It’s my passion, which is why it’s perfectly excusable for me to know the producers by name, stalk them on social media and send them abusive messages when Red are cheated of victory by an auctioneer who was so clearly a f**king plant. After all, without me and the other Hunters the show wouldn’t have been running for 26 years. We’re the ones watching it every day. We’re the ones making GIFs of key moments and fan edits of every Golden Gavel. We’re the lifeblood of the show. Yes, I have occasionally said ‘if they’re going to make such a f**king mockery of this they should f**king cancel it and if I see Eric Knowles in person he is f**king dead’, for which I was unfairly banned from Stafford Showground. But like I said, passion. By ignoring us or putting us on watchlists, the BBC has shown its contempt for ordinary obsessed fans. Really it should be inviting us to act as consultants, apart from that dickhead ClockCollecta who knows nothing about the show and would ruin it. So next time you hear of a toxic fandom, consider perhaps they’re the ones who are really right and the casuals are all wrong. Now I’ve got Mark Stacey-Raj Bisram fan fiction to finish. This chapter features a 1772 clockwork ivory strap-on.

Jack and Rose of Titanic, and other cinematic couples who wouldn’t have stayed together

SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either:  Rose and Jack, Titanic (1997) Rose would’ve banged anyone on that boat. But if she hadn’t hogged the door, New York would have been a rude awakening. He’d get nothing fencing the jewel, she’s got no skills other than ballet, they’d be living in a slum tenement in Hell’s Kitchen while he sold sketches door-to-door. Note how she married into wealth after Jack. He was a fling. Sam and Annie, Sleepless in Seattle (1993) You know who gets obsessed with a man after hearing him on the radio once, travelling to his home city and watching his house? A stalker. They have a perfect night together and the next morning she matter-of-factly mentions the messages Mossad sends her through her fillings. Turns out she’s known to the authorities. Too late for Sam. Kathleen and Joe, You’ve Got Mail, (1998)  Another Hanks-Ryan pairing but this time he’s the sociopath. He discovers she’s who he’s been corresponding with, destroys the business she inherited from her beloved mother, puts her out of work, then aggressively moves in on her life. It’s a bad relationship with a happy ending when she kills him with a pair of scissors. Danny and Sandy, Grease, 1978 Learning that if you become a hot, smoking slut you’ll become socially acceptable to a man is a poor basis for love. Also cars can’t fly. And however happy they were aged 18, eventually Sandy would demand to move back to Brisbane because no Australian girl can resist the siren call of sun-baked suburban boredom. Carrie and Charles, Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) They’ve only met six times, including her wedding, his wedding and a funeral. She cheated on her elderly fiancé and ditched Charles after every shag which suggests repeated disappointments. Sooner or later he’ll realise Kristin Scott Thomas is that special posh kind of dirty. Lloyd and Diane, Say Anything… (1989) Standing outside a woman’s bedroom blasting the song that played while you f**ked is usually the basis of a court case, not a lasting relationship. By the end Lloyd is accompanying studious Diane to England. Theirs is a future of resentment, drizzle and sharing Tesco meals for two in student accommodation. Nothing survives that.

How Labour will inevitably ruin its summer of sex

THE government wants the whole of Britain to enjoy a summer of sex because an MP is bringing dildos to Parliament. They will under-deliver on this erotic promise:  Porn will remain inaccessible Age verification means anyone unwilling to hand photos of their horny faces over to shady bastards can no longer see the hard stuff and are quickly forgetting which hole does what. Pressing the big red ‘Porn ON’ button in Downing Street would open the floodgates, lifting the nation’s spirits and libidos instantly, but they’re too afraid to be popular. It will be tediously educational You don’t begin a bacchanalian orgy with the member for South Derbyshire holding up a butt plug in front of the Speaker, so this won’t be one. Instead, it will take a dreary, academic approach with a focus on education and self love. Noble intentions, but tragically unsexy. What’s wrong with Badenoch pegging Starmer over a table? Simple and classic. Rachel Reeves’s daily briefings will be unsexy Any government initiative means frequent updates, so we’ll be kept abreast of the state of national sexiness by the chancellor. The chemistry, laughter and spontaneity good sex requires will be absent from her punishingly numeric reports on the number of semis achieved in the Midlands. Cocks will wilt, vaginas dry and the bond market become skittish. It’ll get downscaled like HS2 Just like HS2, the summer of sex is an exciting prospect sure to be mired in red tape and financial shortfalls. Gradually it will be downgraded to a July of sex, before being further restricted to a weekend of tit-flashing that only Londoners will be able to experience in 2046. Nonetheless, it will cost the nation eight billion pounds. Lord Mandelson will be in charge Women love a bad boy and Mandelson always comes back. Inevitably, given his ties with sexy sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, he’ll lube his way into the top role. Unless Starmer can handle the scandalous revelation with his usual smooth aplomb, the summer of sex will be entirely shagless and end up with a third of the nation being forcibly made eunuchs.

$1m bet on Trump being senile, addled megalomaniac placed by White House insider

Michael Jackson biopic first film of Nonce Cinematic Universe

THE new Michael Jackson film is the first instalment of an interconnected cinematic universe of celebrity sex offenders, its producers have announced.  As well as telling the King of Pop’s origin story, Michael launches a multi-movie franchise about rich and famous celebrity wrong ‘uns which is projected to come together for a thrilling crossover finale in 2031. Film insider Tom Booker said: “Don’t worry if you’re not familiar with all the dusty old source material on these guys. The NCU will tell you everything you need to know. “Michael eases you in with a straightforward tale about a poor black kid who grows up to be the world’s most famous sex monster. Sit through the end credits and there’s a teaser for the next film in the series, Andrew: Prince of Paedos.  “That leads into the Woody Allen biopic, then we go back a couple of decades and see the roots of it all with Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris in It Was A Different Time: The 70s Story.  “Yes, we’ve had to be creative in scriptwriting to tie it all together, but give Michael a magic rhinestone-studded glove and I think audiences will be in their seats cheering as the paedos put their differences aside to battle a galactic threat only they can defeat.” Cinemagoer Martin Bishop said: “I can’t wait for them to keep churning these movies out long after they’ve stopped being good.”

An American accused European football fans of dissing US ‘local culture’ ahead of the World Cup and the entirety of Europe responded as one

As no-one anywhere needs reminding, the football World Cup goes to the United States this summer in a tournament that is generating excitement and trepidation in just about equal measure (actually, maybe just trepidation). Anyway, one thing that is especially concerning European football fans right now is their sheer logistics of finding their way around […] The Poke.

This American warned Europeans they’d find the humidity super hard to handle at the World Cup and we’ve never been more proud to be European

The World Cup is coming to North America this summer and it’s going totally great. Except that prices are completely out of hand, the US President has picked wars with (approximately) half of the competing countries, and apparently the weather will not be welcoming. That last bit comes to us courtesy of this Tweet from […] The Poke.

Downing Street leaked that we were about to see ‘angry Starmer’, and the internet was quaking in its boots – 19 funny reactions

If you aren’t aware of the latest row over the appointment of Peter Mandelson to the position of UK Ambassador to the US, firstly, congratulations – you’ve saved yourself some brain-ache – and secondly, we’re sorry we’re about to ruin it. Here’s the catch-up. In December 2024, Keir Starmer appointed the twice-sacked friend of Jeffrey […] The Poke.

This 20 y/o dad’s eye-opening self-care routine just went wildly viral and had women (and many men) everywhere spitting nails

To the world of Twitter now – no, stick with us – where the self-care routine – there really is no other way to describe it – of this ’20–year-old dad’ has just gone wildly viral. You can see why some people might hanker after a lifestyle like this, and yet there was something missing […] The Poke.

Lee Anderson was asked what proof he had that Keir Starmer was lying and his ‘answer’ didn’t speak volumes about the Reform UK man, it bellowed them

It’s not been a good week for Keir Starmer and at the time of writing it looks like it is going to get even worse. But at least he can console himself that he is not Lee Anderson. The former Conservative Party deputy chair turned Reform UK chief whip was thrown out of the Commons […] The Poke.