Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth issued a directive lifting the requirement that U.S. service members receive the flu vaccine, citing “medical autonomy.” What do you think? “I hope the enemy will take the time to say ‘bless you.’” Alejandro Cortez, Paint Consultant “Well, we didn’t recruit them to live.” Kara Lim, Chandelier Hanger “Some soldiers fight better with active diarrhea.” Shawn Camacho, Mailbox Stuffer The Onion.
COLUMBIA, MO—Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent. “This place used to be cool and underground, man. Now they have so many people in here they’re probably going to be in the black this quarter,” said regular Emily Knapp, lamenting that the watering hole had become so in fashion that the bathrooms were no longer the disgusting and filthy as she had grown to love all these years. “Now that it’s not a huge economic drag on the owners, the place has lost all its character. Sure there were code violations everywhere, and there were massive fire hazards all over the place, but now the life is completely gone. I don’t even have to keep an eye on my drink with this new clientele. What a bummer.” Knapp went on to bemoan the fact that the bar had become successful enough to actually start paying the bartenders a livable wage. The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin’ caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man with a huge, juicy ass. “That middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there,” said Harlan Davis, 33, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who could not look away from the prodigious dumper. “My God, that curvaceous rear is hypnotic. There’s no way he can buy his pants off the rack. Forget about a quarter—you could bounce a full half dollar off that thing. I want to cry that rump is so beautifully plump.” At press time, the nation began to drool as the man bent over to pick up a pen. The Onion.
Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH: Only light with a wavelength of 630–670 nm has proven clinical efficacy. FACT: It’s okay to sneak a few 671 nm wavelengths on cheat days. MYTH: Red light therapy can restore hair. FACT: Wig therapy has been proven to be far more effective. MYTH: Red light therapy can cause burns. FACT: It can alleviate excessive skin coolness. MYTH: Red light accelerates cell turnover. FACT: Cell turnover is largely caused by cell dissatisfaction with poor working conditions. MYTH: Green light will make you uglier. FACT: It’s the opposite of red, so yes. MYTH: Red light therapy can cause long-term damage. FACT: We are still at least 10 years out from that class-action lawsuit. The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday morning as Kash Patel screamed state secrets in her ear. “Yeah so we’re actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?” said Patel, spilling his Don Julio as the bottle girl feigned interest in his long, rambling story. “I can tell you’re trustworthy, so I’m going to show you some videos of how the FBI actually killed Martin Luther King Jr., check it out! God, you’re so pretty. Do you want to get out of here and go somewhere more private, how about the real Area 51? Here, take the FBI corporate card, go get us another round, and when you come back I’ll tell you all the people in the world who are secretly pedophiles that nobody else knows about. It can be our little secret.” At press time, Page was reportedly thinking about what she was going to have for dinner later as Patel was explaining how the government has been funneling money into the KKK. The Onion.
LINDALE, TX — Surprising many, a preacher at New Wine Community Church held up a three-year-old child's crappy Sunday school drawing and declared that it was pleasing to Jesus.
MONTGOMERY, AL — The Southern Poverty Law Center defended itself against reports of controversial spending practices by informing donors that funding the Ku Klux Klan is only 3% of what they do.
WILMINGTON, DE — Residents and staff at a local elder care facility were forced to stifle their laughter again this week, as a crazy old man who moved into the nursing home over a year ago kept telling people he was once the President of the United States.
COVENTRY, RI — Local child Lilly Shacklefort made waves in her community this Friday when she told her parents she feels most loved when she's allowed to do whatever she wants without any consequences whatsoever.
PITTSBURGH, PA — With their second-round pick in the 2026 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots have officially selected marriage counselor Amy Connors out of the University of North Texas Clinical Counseling Program.
Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners. Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy. Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with. When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].” “Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.” President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists. Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves! It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.
Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom. What do you notice? Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy? Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall. This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all. It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers. Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important. Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it. You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts. Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.
If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.” Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times. Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society. “I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.” For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over. We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what. Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.
One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker. It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris. When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table. But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing. “I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.” As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker. Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.
If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning. After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain. PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know. This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you? Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.
ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.” Exclusively accepted where your bad decisions begin. Learn more Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.” To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week. Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
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ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and your daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame: Televisual The days of Dad entering the room, commandeering the remote and putting Middlesbrough-Watford on are gone. Unfathomably, no-one else in the household cares who’ll reach the play-off. Instead everyone’s binging the classic 2019 Love Island with Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury, and you can watch the game on your phone if you like. Receiving deliveries Nobody else can hear the knocks at the door, so it’s your job to collect eight Evri boxes from Vinted, Depop and Boohoo each day. Never dare question if Lucy really needs a 15th pair of jeans or how much this bloody face cream costs will unite the whole family against you. Meanwhile all your hip-hop 12-inches have been moved to the garage. Bathroom access To get 90 seconds in the bathroom to urinate, brush your teeth, wash your face and leave still wet requires hours of alertness and bargaining while women work in shifts to stop you. Make-up application, eye and night cream application, brushing hair, facemasks, plucking, steaming, and defecation all must take place. You shower at 5.45am or not at all. Continual bitching There are so many people you’ve never met you’re meant to hate. Sarah at hot yoga is a cow. Holly at college is a spiteful slag. The Spanish teacher is a fat whore. And somehow you’re meant to be interested, and remember them, and you’re castigated when you don’t. Then you call your mother and hear about everyone she hates that you don’t know. Being disgusting When you fart, burp, eat, scratch, yawn, sneeze, sweat or swear you’re disgusting. ‘Dad stinks’ is a frequently heard phrase. And the thing is, they’re sort of right: they are all lovely and fragrant and cleansed and you are the one drunk watching Trailer Park Boys in your underpants. Synchronised periods One week in four, it gets even worse. During that week, even if you became silent, incorporeal and invisible, you’d still get on every member of your household’s tits. This is why man invented the shed and hid beer in there.
THE London Marathon takes place on Sunday, and every Briton who is not lazy and worthless is running it in costume. What are you wearing? Grace Wood-Morris, handbag rentier: “I’m dressing as a two-bedroom flat in Dalston available for only £1,685 a month, in the hope the crazed hordes chasing me will spur me on and improve my time.” Emma Bradford, industrial cleaner: “Sexy Sir Olly Robbins. What? Well nobody told me the rules are different from Halloween.” Jim Bates, dog trainer: “I’m raising £7,500 for motor neurone disease dressed as the late Professor Stephen Hawking and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.” Donna Sheridan, flare tester: “My costume is of a woman who loves her husband and children but needed to train for six months to prove something obscure to herself, not to avoid them or anything. It’s my running clothes.” Will McKay, inker: “Where are we on blackface for this one? Still no?”
BRITAIN? Nowhere better for a holiday, if they’d get rid of those goddamn windmills. And thanks to me beating Iran, you’ll have the greatest UK break. Here’s how: No Iranians Can’t get on the golf course? Because Iranians have taken the best tee times. Waiting an hour in line to scream in the face of a Berenstain Guard? All the Iranians are ahead of you. That won’t happen this summer, because I’ve closed the Strait of Hormuz so they can’t leave. The sun loungers on Blackpool beach will be yours to bake on. No Europeans I hate Europeans, which is to say Muslims because Islam has taken over the entire continent with the white race hiding in the woods. But good news is they won’t be able to fly just like you can’t because oil’s gone up which is great for the US and great for you. And we can send Tommy Robinson back, I don’t want to meet him, he’s low class. No tanning I myself, owning beachfront property with a lease on the same in Gaza, am always naturally bronzed and my eyes are naturally white. But that’s Trump’s thing. You can’t be be tan so a holiday in the UK where the sun hides is perfect for you to remain white, the best colour, the greatest colour for you. No ice cream No oil means no generators means no ice cream, which is fantastic because all the ice-cream’s for me. I have two scoops. Aides tell me ice-cream isn’t like gold and there isn’t a limited supply of it, I don’t listen. Anyway it’s great because now you won’t drop your ice-cream and cry and vow vengeance on everyone, which happened to me aged seven. You are permitted to gaze at America Lucky you, because if you go to the West coast of your loser country with no Navy, you may gaze upon the magnificence of the US. You can see the gold glint of Trump Tower from across the Atlantic, and there’s currently no fee for doing so. You’ll never get there. The Titanic sank, just like I warned everybody beforehand that it would. I will give your King some corn King Charles, great personal friend of mine, we like each other a lot, is coming to visit me next week. And to show there’s no hard feelings from you cowards not standing up to tyranny I’m giving him ten tonnes of American corn to distribute. You guys don’t have corn because it’s ours, but you’ll like it a lot. One kernel each, Christians only.
A MAN wants to be in the prime of his youth in an era he has intense nostalgia for as he gets older, he has revealed. Tom Booker’s ideal vision of adulthood is to be an age where he has zero responsibilities during a time where all his favourite musicians were releasing their best work and the economy was not totally knackered. He said: “Forget having a successful career and a lovely wife. I’d much prefer to play GoldenEye 007 on the N64 all day and not have to work. “I’m not being naive or unambitious. Who wouldn’t want to have their whole life ahead of them in an era that academics frequently refer to as a ‘holiday from history’? Plus I could buy loads of Apple and Amazon shares for f**k all. “There’s no reason for me to want to be in my mid-40s in the current climate. Pop culture is increasingly alienating to me, and my lower back pains are only going to get worse. Every way you slice it, being 17 in 1998 sounds better.” He added: “Imagine being able to watch England fumble the World Cup live then listening to the shitty new Catatonia record. Magic.”
We’re not saying that Russell Brand‘s late-in-the-day conversion to born again Christianity isn’t sincere – Heaven forfend! – but he sure did seem to struggle to find his favourite Bible passage when asked live on air by Piers Morgan. Brand, as you’ll be aware, is awaiting trial over allegations of rape and sexual assault, which […] The Poke.
Math is objective. There is a right answer and a wrong answer. The right answer can be proven with a step-by-step outline of equations. So when Donald Trump gathered some sycophants to stand behind him while he broke down his latest drug price reductions, it stood to reason that he’d be able to explain his […] The Poke.
Look, it makes sense. Work meetings suck. They’re boring, they’re pointless, they almost always can just be an e-mail. That being said, when work is “running America” and America is currently at war with at least two other countries, everyone there should probably be counted on to stay awake for the duration of said meeting. […] The Poke.
Donald Trump’s war with Iran has gone through more phases than a moody teenager trying to figure out what kind of music they like. Emo. Grunge. Hip-hop. Metal. It’s something new every week. And it rarely sticks. Same for the President. Who can’t seem to make up his mind about what exactly is happening in […] The Poke.
I have a dream. And in that dream, Donald Trump shuts the hell up for just one second so I can catch my breath. But until then, the big orange man keeps talking and what comes out is some of the most outrageous nonsense ever shared in front of a microphone. The President’s latest demented […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-04-25T13:00:10+02:00
