The Onion
New ‘Jackass’ Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail
LOS ANGELES—Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise’s most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. “Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?” said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging at the camera before taking a few shaky steps and then losing his balance as the rest of the cast laughed hysterically in the background. “Shit, my balls! And my hip and my knee and my lower back! Did you assholes get rid of the runner rug, too? Fuck you, Steve-O, your prescription readers are going up my ass after this.” At press time, sources confirmed that the full film contained an even more death-defying stunt in which the whole gang attempted to take their fiber pills without water.
The Onion.
New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die
RACINE, WI—Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. “With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no longer be granted the sweet release of death, and will instead be burdened with forever walking the Earth watching friends, family, and loved ones slowly wither and expire around them,” said brand representative Sawyer Weidman, noting that the new product effectively made both small and large bugs grapple with physical decay until being driven to madness with no lingering odor in houses or apartments. “Now purchasers can not only eliminate unwanted pests in their homes, but also imprison them in a Sisyphean existence in which their larvae and mates will turn to dust before their compound eyes. Even if they are stepped on, swatted, or squished, their spirit will carry on until the final atom in the universe burns out and they are merely buzzing specks in the expansive nothingness.” Weidman also teased a new product line of labyrinth traps to condemn roaches in an endless maze with no exit.
The Onion.
Roommate Ruins Completely Arbitrary Spice Drawer Layout
The Onion.
Indian Director Scores Movie’s Psychedelic Section With Trippy Western Classical Music
The Onion.
Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In
MIAMI—Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. “Back! I’m warning you! Get back right now!” said Dailey, nestling the butt of the gun into his shoulder as the snarling throng of Scots in blue-and-white jerseys and tartan kilts continued to advance. “All right, you wanna go? Okay, fuck you and your highlands and your Loch Ness monster and your bagpipes, too. Haggis-munching motherfuckers!” At press time, a soccer fan wearing the Scottish flag as a cape had torn through the sleeve of Dailey’s uniform, leaving the driver with a few seconds to murmur Aauld Lang Syne with a smile before turning the gun on himself.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Daily Mash
Burnham’s ‘cabinet of indie talents’ to include Johnny Marr, Tim Burgess and The Wedding Present
ANDY Burnham is reaching across the aisle to create a cabinet of the best possible talents from across the indie spectrum.
The incoming prime minister is negotiating with luminaries including Guy Chadwick from The House of Love and Andy Bell from Ride about taking key posts so he truly has the greatest assemblage of fringes that Britain has to offer.
He said: “For too long we’ve had prime ministers too easily swayed by fashion and smooth words. I would never have appointed Peter Mandelson ambassador to the US when Luke Haines of The Auteurs was available.
“I’ve got the brooding stare and black-framed glasses of a natural frontman, but I’m not egotistical enough to believe I can do it alone. I need back-up. That’s why Marr’s in as chancellor and Lee Mavers is foreign secretary. If his name’s not familiar, educate yourself.
“Kevin Shields and his wall of reverb are in defence. The Weddoes are on agriculture, where they’ll get the recognition they deserve. Women and equalities I’ve pencilled in Wendy James, though she’s got a tour of mid-sized provincial venues to finish first.
“Rural affairs? Hmm. Has anyone got a number for Bogshed?”
Britain’s invincible rail networks finally defeated by heatwave
THE indestructible train network that has made Britain famous since the days of Empire has finally been undone by today’s terrible heat.
The UK’s ever-reliable rail infrastructure and punctual rolling stock, which since Queen Victoria’s day has not lost so much as a second’s time in a century, has at last succumbed to the punishing temperature blanketing the country.
Commuter Martin Bishop said: “Mark this day, for at last we see the end of Britain’s era as a world power. The sun has set upon our greatness. The trains are late.
“Indeed, some are not only late but cancelled. For the first time in memory and the annals of history, a passenger may arrive at the station to find his service not running at all.
“Climate change we may disregard. The true tragedy here is that the last bastion of British prestige has crumbled. With no incumbent James Bond, Doctor Who or prime minister, our stalwart trains were all we had left.”
Fellow passenger Nikki Hollis said: “This is an omen comparable to the ravens leaving the Tower of London. If our dependable rail networks have fallen then it’s only a matter of time before these isles sink beneath the waves of the Atlantic.
“I know you’re thinking surely not Southern Rail? Surely their stalwart lines are still running with their renowned clockwork efficiency? Sadly, despite offering excellent value for money, even them.”
‘We kept crossing into the box but there was no-one there’: six reasons why it wasn’t England’s fault
ENGLAND managed not to win last night, but to compensate have provided a whole host of compelling excuses. These are they:
‘Whenever we crossed into the box, there was nobody there’
England kept providing excellent crosses, corners, and free-kicks into the box only for the ball to land on the head of a Ghana defender who sent it back upfield. Time after time, first half and second half. You can hardly blame the team for not scoring when there’s nobody there to score!
‘We couldn’t get close enough to goal to feign being fouled’
And the other key supplier of England goals, going down in the penalty area after minimum contact, was impossible because they couldn’t get near enough. They tried everything: passing backwards, passing sideways, passing backwards then passing sideways, passing all the way back to Pickford to start again, but it just wouldn’t happen.
‘We didn’t want to overshadow Scotland-Brazil’
England-Ghana’s hardly box-office gold, is it? Not compared to the Scots who the whole US has fallen for facing off against the most celebrated national side of all time? If England had won six-nil, which they easily could have, it would have made a one-nil win by Scotland look pathetic in comparison. So they held off to be good neighbours.
‘We’re heartbroken about Starmer’
You might not think it, but the whole squad are committed centrists who saw Starmer’s diffident, nonplussed politics as the future of our country. They were only able to hammer Croatia by two clear goals by imagining his pink, trusting face beaming approval. For him to be shafted by Burnham when they weren’t there to defend him? The lads were gutted.
‘We were over-hydrated’
Hydration is a responsibility to take seriously. The England team are role models to young children, and if one of them died of thirst because he’d seen Declan Rice reject a swig he’d wouldn’t forgive himself. So they loaded up on liquid every hydration break even though it was raining heavily and ended up sloshing around like sacks of piss.
‘Trump’s awarding the trophy and that’s put us off’
FIFA announced yesterday that the Jules Rimet trophy will be awarded to the winning team by the president himself, and none of the squad are up for that. It’s not just that he’s almost as right-wing as John Terry, it’s that he’s got even less right to stand there with them in our moment of glory than John Terry but will anyway. Honestly they couldn’t face winning.
How to explain the nightmarish world before Brexit to the young
TEN years since Britain voted for freedom, many of today’s young people do not remember and cannot imagine life under the EU jackboot. Tell them the facts:
You owe your lives to Brexit
Anyone aged 18 and over would be dead if not for Brexit, conscripted by the EU Army and used as cannon fodder in one of its costly banana wars. Remoaners say there is no army and no war, but if you believed that no-one would ever have voted for Brexit.
Leavers were ruthlessly persecuted
‘Racist’, ‘Little Englander’ and ‘gammon’ were all slurs hurled at Brexiters in the worst persecution history has every known. But by far the most common insult was that they were ‘thick’, all because they challenged so-called facts like ‘Britain recouped its entirely legitimate EU membership fee at least four times over’.
Sending fish by post was incredibly difficult
Brexit hero Boris Johnson famously mocked the EU for requiring an ‘ice pillow’ when sending kippers by post. Apparently a British rule designed to prevent listeria, but that’s irrelevant. Nowadays interfering Eurocrats can’t touch you when you take a jiffy bag of smoked mackerel to the Post Office.
The Brexit Wars cost millions of lives
Literally millions of Brexiters sacrificed themselves in the Brexit Wars of 2016. They may have died from old age rather than in a burning Spitfire or on the beaches of Normandy, but these selfless patriots gave everything so future generations would be free not to use millilitres. Captain Tom was one of them, sort of.
If you became ill before Brexit you would die
Before Brexit, healthcare in Britain didn’t exist. But in 2017 Nigel Farage founded the NHS with the £350 million a week he got back from the EU, and now every Briton has access to modern medical treatment. There may be a 12-hour wait in A&E, but that’s basically an immersive theatre version of Holby City.
A British passport was a badge of shame
Our burgundy passports were a daily reminder that the British lion had been castrated and our people were slaves. Now when you produce a mighty dark blue British passport in an airport, other Europeans pretend not to notice. Why? Because they were too cowardly to join the resistance.
There was none of the technology Gen Z take for granted
Before Brexit there was no TikTok, earbuds had wires attached, and you couldn’t make AI porn of your biology teacher. Was Brexit responsible for these technological marvels? Let’s say ‘maybe’. It’s best not to get too specific about the ineffable miracle of Brexit.
Six very convincing reasons why we’ve never had a female leader, by Labour
WHY parachute a man from Manchester into Westminster when Angela Rayner is right there and ready to serve? For these perfectly understandable reasons:
Female leaders are very Tory
Voters, like ladies, are delicate. They might mix up our bird with previous woman prime ministers, all Conservative, and accidentally vote the wrong way. The Tories can choose a woman because they believe anyone, regardless of gender, should have the right to slash public services. Whereas a Labour woman giving out benefits seems a soft touch.
Leading Labour is very physical
People think it’s all speeches, but have they ever tried carrying a fully-costed manifesto up three flights of stairs? The leader is expected to shake hundreds of hands, walk confidently around factories while wearing a hard hat and nod thoughtfully. These are specialised skills passed down from father to son, like stonemasonry. Women would be lost.
Our voters are already progressive
The Conservatives need women to cover up their sexist policies. As we already know what’s good for chicks, it’s fine for us to govern in their name. The party has a proud history of championing women. We’ve made speeches about them, written reports about them, established working groups about them and, on occasion, even listened to them.
She wouldn’t enjoy it
The first female Labour leader in over a century of party history would attract enormous attention. Every decision scrutinised. Every speech analysed. Every outfit discussed. It would be exhausting, for her and us. Far kinder to spare a woman that ordeal and let a middle-aged white man pass all but unnoticed through Downing Street.
They don’t want the job
We checked thoroughly by asking three women MPs whether they fancy becoming leader while Andy Burnham stood there scowling. Unsurprisingly, they said they were focused on constituents. That’s ladies for you – selfless. Also they don’t have the same taste for betraying close friends, with the exception of Lady Macbeth.
We’re waiting for the right one
We’d love a female leader. But she must simultaneously unite every wing of the party, appeal to voters in every constituency, never make a mistake, have ministerial experience, outsider appeal, insider knowledge and avoid being described as either too ambitious or not ambitious enough. The search continues.
