NEW YORK—In an announcement that left fans of the 2006 original buzzing with excitement, The Devil Wears Prada 2 director David Frankel confirmed Wednesday that actor Adrien Grenier would make a cameo in the film as a corpse on the street. “We’re so pleased to have not just Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep back, but the whole original supporting cast—Stanley Tucci as the charming Nigel, Emily Blunt as the assistant-turned-rival Emily, and Adrien Grenier as a bloated, black-and-blue dead body lying face down in the gutter,” Frankel said following the release of a new trailer in which eagle-eyed fans spotted the rotting corpse of Grenier’s character Nate being stomped on mercilessly in the background of a scene in which Streep and Hathaway’s characters discuss a runway show they have just attended. “Fans of the first movie have been begging to know if Nate would be in the sequel, with many suggesting he’d be perfect as either a cadaver being tossed out of a window or a sack of limbs washing up on the shoreline. It may be a small role, but we think Devil Wears Prada diehards will be very, very pleased.” At press time, movie critics were calling the performance Adrien Grenier’s best in years.

The post ‘The Devil Wears Prada 2’ Director Confirms Adrian Grenier Cameo As Corpse On Street appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON—Urging the public to remain calm as authorities worked to recapture the mentally disturbed individual, city officials confirmed Monday that novelist J.K. Rowling had escaped from a London insane asylum. 

At 7:33 this morning, medical staff reportedly discovered the Harry Potter author and outspoken anti-trans activist had broken out of her padded, maximum-security cell at St. Edmund’s Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where she has been an inmate for the past 10 years. The news sent shockwaves through the United Kingdom, whose 70 million residents sheltered in place while law enforcement swept libraries, electronics stores, and other locations with free internet-enabled computers where it was believed the “dangerous” and “highly reactive” fugitive might try to access social media. 

“Ms. Rowling currently poses an extreme danger both to herself and the public, and we will not rest until she is apprehended,” said Deputy Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Matt Jukes, who added that citizens should report sightings to an emergency hotline and should not, under any circumstances, attempt to debate her. “If you spot her, contact authorities immediately, and do not, I repeat do not, engage. Her brain doesn’t work like a healthy person’s. She has fallen far beyond the brink of reason.”

“Keep your eyes and ears open,” Jukes added. “You will hear her, and her opinions, coming.”

According to guards, Rowling had a history of disturbing behavior within the high-security mental facility and would often go on unhinged rants, threatening to kidnap the late Queen Elizabeth II, imprison her in a life-size replica of Hagrid’s hut, and expose her as the transgender leader of a LGBTQIA+ cabal.

Despite her heavily impaired cognitive abilities, officials said Rowling was still “easily” able to unlock her cell’s half dozen electromechanical deadbolts, kill several armed guards with her bare hands, and use her feces to smear “TERF IS A SLUR” on the facility’s walls before scaling a 20-foot-tall barbed-wire fence and disappearing into the London night.

Sightings of a barefoot, straightjacket-clad individual who matched Rowling’s description were reported just hours after her escape. Terrified witnesses said this person sprinted into open traffic and jumped onto the hoods of vehicles, screaming, “This highway is for biological females only!” and “You’ll never be a biological woman! You’re a car!”

Several reports indicated that a decoy iPad loaded with nothing but the X app was planted at the base of the Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain in Piccadilly Circus, where officers lay in wait hoping that Rowling would take the bait. 

“I’ve spent my whole career treating the most extreme cases of mental illness—many that ended in homicides—but J.K. Rowling is by far the most alarming patient I’ve encountered,” said a St. Edmund’s staffer who spoke on the condition of anonymity, noting that healthcare workers at the psychiatric facility preferred working with rapists and murderers to the “unpredictable” and “erratic” Rowling. “No matter how many antipsychotics we gave her, she still thought every orderly was Emma Watson. Last month, she bit a nurse’s arm and then called her ungrateful.”

“We’d tranquilize her every night; otherwise, she wouldn’t sleep,” the staffer added. “She claims we gave her ‘male sheets,’ but I think she just means they’re blue.”

Authorities confirmed Rowling was sighted this afternoon in Hackney, where the bestselling author burst into the waiting room of a pediatric dentist office while foaming at the mouth, her appearance causing patients and their parents to scream and run for cover. A receptionist at the dental practice was reportedly left with minor injuries, including a broken nose, after Rowling assaulted her and accused the practice of performing “illegal gender surgery” on minors. 

“I tried telling her, ‘I just answer phones here! We clean teeth!’ but she was having none of it,” said receptionist Rebecca Shepherd, who gripped her jaw and recalled with horror the “wild look” in Rowling’s eyes. “She said, ‘The teeth are the children! You’re mutilating the teeth!’ and then punched me in the face. I’ll never forget the look on her face. It wasn’t human—it was TERF.”

At press time, officials reported Rowling had been recaptured after entering an empty women’s bathroom, yelling “I know you’re in there,” and knocking herself unconscious as she tried to break down a stall door.

The post J.K. Rowling Escapes  Insane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board. “In all officially sanctioned matches played from today forward, the pawn immediately in front of a player’s king will be replaced with a sick little hot rod that can move any number of squares horizontally, vertically, or in a circle like it’s doing donuts,” said the president of the game’s global governing body, Arkady Dvorkovich, who imitated the sound of a revving engine with his mouth as he maneuvered the new race car piece around a chessboard in a demonstration match with grandmaster Magnus Carlsen. “The race car piece gets to go twice in one turn because it’s so fast, and it can also launch off a rook of the same color to fly over the other pieces like this—VRRRRRR WOOSH. The pawns are its pit crew and can use a turn to turbocharge the race car, allowing it to capture all the enemy pieces in a straight line at once. The king can also go for a joyride in the race car, and then he’s invincible for three turns because the race car has a super powerful force field, too.” Dvorkovich went on to say that upon reaching the eighth rank, the race car piece could be turned sideways and gain the ability to Tokyo drift.

The post International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece appeared first on The Onion.

The post Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again appeared first on The Onion.

Own a piece of history while lording your precious uniqueness over everyone around you with this wildly impractical $2 million statement home.

Reference #70369

The post Converted Church For Yuppie Douchebags appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — Sporting apparel giant Nike has released a new ad campaign alongside Tiger Woods, featuring the slightly updated slogan "Just Use Your Billion Dollars To Hire A Full-Time Driver".

NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Satan announced Wednesday that all its appliances going forward will be controlled by the Apple TV Remote.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The political world was set on edge once again on Wednesday, with experts urging everyone to prepare for the worst as President Donald Trump threatened to nuke a local used car dealership unless it agreed to come down another $500 on a 2017 Chevy Malibu.

WORLD — People across the globe were left in utter shock as President Trump staked out a seemingly extreme position in order to negotiate the best possible deal.

TEHRAN — A cackling President Donald Trump completely psyched out the Iranian regime by threatening nuclear war and then dropping bombs that only shoot out little flags that say "POW!".

Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision: 

1. Men deal with emergencies better

While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could. 

2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away

Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call. 

3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of

My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call. 

4. She probably wouldn’t want to know

My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it. 

5. She might be busy

Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time. 

6. I don’t know her phone number 

Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.

For generations, Star Wars fans have been absolutely certain that licking Jabba The Hutt would induce an intense psychedelic experience akin to taking several tabs of highly potent LSD or ingesting the toxic skin of the Sonoran Desert toad. Unfortunately, that illusion has just been shattered after a heartbreaking update from the franchise creator himself: George Lucas has revealed that you would have to lick Jabba The Hutt over 100 times to get any sort of buzz whatsoever.

Absolutely devastating. Anyone whose Star Wars fandom was based on the idea that Jabba’s slime would get them high no longer has any reason to live.

In a lengthy Instagram post titled “My Truth About Jabba (Coming Clean About The Hutt: NO REGRETS: JUST GUILT AND ANGER),” George Lucas explained to Star Wars fans that even though Jabba looks like you would only have to lick him a tiny bit to trip balls for a thousand years, in reality the toxic slime that covers his body is incredibly weak and would require a massive dose to induce even mild intoxication.

“It brings me great shame and rage to share with you people that you’d basically have to give Jabba a tongue bath from stem to stern and just strip all the poison slime off of that fucker just to feel the equivalent of a single beer,” Lucas wrote in his post, which has already caused legions of longtime Star Wars fans to renounce the franchise entirely. “I’m as heartbroken as you are, but if you have a problem with this you should blame the Disney Corporation for forcing Jabba to wash his slime, and you should also blame the Hutts as a species for evolving wrong.”

Dang. There’s no way to sugarcoat this: This is a major tragedy for anyone who has ever enjoyed Star Wars.

As if Lucas’s admission that licking Jabba barely induces any hallucinations weren’t devastating enough, the Star Wars creator’s post also explained that Jabba’s slime “barely has any flavor” and “tastes kind of like grape jelly even though he is green and should taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers.” He also claimed that if you roasted Jabba over an open flame, he would “taste like a tire.” For millions of Star Wars lovers worldwide who had dreamed of getting high by licking Jabba’s slime and then eating his meat, this revelation has caused a massive wave of despair.

It’s official: This is the worst Star Wars news of all time. While there are some pockets of the fandom who are desperately trying to assert that this isn’t canon, the Disney Corporation has issued an official statement affirming that “everything George Lucas says about Jabba’s psychotropic properties is absolute truth.” There’s simply no way around it: licking Jabba barely gets you high and nothing is good anymore!

Trump’s Justice Department is already facing heated scrutiny for mishandling the Epstein Files, but this may just be their most inept move yet: The DOJ has added a dating section to the Epstein Files where the people implicated in them can flirt with each other. 

Yikes…if the DOJ is hoping to regain public trust, they’re not doing themselves any favors with this one.

In a press conference this morning, Acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche announced the debut of EpSeek, a dating section on the DOJ website’s Epstein Library that anyone compromised in Jeffrey Epstein’s email correspondences can use to connect with other Epstein conspirators and criminal accessories interested in flirting online. EpSeek is a referral-based dating platform, meaning users must be referred to the Justice Department by active EpSeek members in order to start an account. Once the DOJ confirms a referral’s implication in the Epstein Files, they’re approved to create an EpSeek profile, where they can set their flirting preferences (ranging from ‘Looking To Flirt Just A Little’ all the way to ‘Looking To Flirt Hard’), and start swiping for matches. 

Blanche was swiftly grilled by White House press as to what purpose the matchmaking tool served in the Epstein investigation, and how it would help Epstein’s human trafficking and sex crime victims seek justice, but Trump’s Acting AG staunchly defended EpSeek as “an exclusive platform for casual, chat-only flirting between both redacted and unredacted friends and accomplices of convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.”

“There is nothing criminal about flirting online, or wanting to flirt with other people who have ‘being namedropped in the Epstein Files’ in common with you,” explained Blanche. “To anyone concerned about EpSeek’s function in the DOJ’s investigation, ask yourself this: would you rather see people named in the Epstein Files flirting with the general public on Hinge, OKCupid, or Grindr? EpSeek is just more proof that America is a safer and flirtier country under President Trump.”

What the hell is the DOJ thinking?! We have a feeling EpSeek is going to age like milk.

Todd Blanche is right that there’s nothing criminal about flirting, but there is definitely something criminal about profiting from or participating in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking network, and it shouldn’t be rewarded with a dating platform funded by tax payer dollars. Well, needless to say, President Trump has made a complete and utter mess of the DOJ. Ugh.

Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.

Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!

At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).

“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”

Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.

Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!

In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.

Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.

Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.

WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.

“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.

Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”

At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.

“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.

“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”

Best served warm from a dusty pallet.

Learn more

Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”

TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.

“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”

The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”

“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”

Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.

“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”

“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”

We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you.

Learn more

The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.

“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”

Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.

“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."

At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.

“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."

The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.

“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”

WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.

“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."

According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, Director of Naval History and Heritage Command, the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits.

“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”

Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”

“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”

The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”

“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”

Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.

Learn more

The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.

“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”

"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”

Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.

“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement.

“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”

Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.

“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”

The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.

“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”

According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”

“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."

The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.

Don't wait. Get in touch with your local Army recruiter now.

Learn more

“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”

Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”

White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”

In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.

“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”

The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”

Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.

At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.

WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.

When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”

Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.

On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.

“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”

On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.

SPONSORED

They make coffee. They fund real reporting with it.

No paywalls on the important stuff. No vague “support independent journalism” speeches. Just good coffee and investigations that actually go somewhere.

If you’ve ever wondered who’s paying for the news — this one’s straightforward.

Read their first investigation →

“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”

From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.

Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.

By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.

“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.

By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.

“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”

Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.

Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.

“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”

Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.

“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”

After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.

“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”

At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.

FOR today’s teenagers, activities once considered simple can be a mind-bending challenge. Such as these:

Watching a daytime cop drama

Stick on a TV programme designed for the lowest common denominator and it will blow their tiny two-minute attention span minds. Even the most expository sentence, such as ‘Hello brother I haven’t seen in six years’ is basically Proust when you’re used to inane influencer-speak.

Listening to the radio

Don’t underestimate the novelty of music that isn’t clipped into irritating, repetitive soundbites. Each song continues to the end and is paired luxuriously with other, sometimes unexpected, songs. The man reading out people’s tedious text messages is actually a curator of fine art and should be lauded for his services to culture. Unless they’re Scott Mills.

Going for a walk

Rawdogging nature or even just concrete suburbia takes on a semi-divine role when you do it without a phone. Imagine strolling without even a gruesome true crime podcast as an auditory comfort blanket. Today’s youth can barely comprehend such a delight, and would see it as the ultimate exercise of the mind.

Skimming a book

Sure, reading has always been the natural home of the pretentious, but for today’s teens even browsing books is participating in serious academia. Lazily walking through a Waterstones is basically like visiting the world’s most highbrow museum, and even the comic book they eventually choose is precious, non-scrollable content.

Looking through the fridge

Staring idly into the fridge used to be the original dissociating activity, but for teens whose brains have been fried by TikTok it’s now a much more mentally creative process. Looking through which sauces are still in date involves reading, cataloguing, and sorting. They might as well be Rachel Weisz in The Mummy, not that they’d get that brilliant reference.

Visiting the Post Office

For adults, this is rightfully considered a hellish ordeal. But for teens it gives them nostalgia for an era they never lived through, making a trip to the Post Office as exciting as an episode of Stranger Things. Their brains will also be tested as they try to figure out how it takes the person at the front of the queue so f**king long to simply post a letter.

SPOTTED a colleague on the train or bus? Commute ruined. Unless you follow this guide to hide from them in a mature way.

Check your phone

Oh dear god, according to the news there’s a rainstorm in Patagonia, this requires immediate attention. Stop, stare down at the screen, brow furrowed. Or check your stocks and shares. Never mind that you don’t have any, you could and they would require regular urgent attention. You’re just practising for that.

Take a call

Admittedly, your voice might attract the target’s attention, but sometimes a bold strategy is needed. Say either ‘Those numbers are unacceptable, Simon’ or ‘Dad, you’ve fallen?’ whilst walking purposefully away from your colleague. In the unlikely event that they follow you, get off at the next stop or hide in the toilet.

Inspect some building work

Angry letters to the council about potholes won’t have the required bite unless you know what you’re talking about. Go and stick your face close to that crater in the road. Take out a measuring tape if necessary. Or find a wall and start counting the bricks. Your dad’s right, things aren’t made as well today. If it’s a low wall, you can duck down behind it too.

Have an emergency shoe inspection

Bend down and make sure laces are tied, even if they’re slip-ons. You never know. Or just give them a good hard look to see how shiny they are, as if that’s something you’ve ever given a toss about before. You may become less invisible if someone trips over you, though.

Put on headphones

Now you’re wearing chunky noise-cancelling headphones, you can’t be seen. That’s a scientific fact. It’s like there’s a force field around you. No one can hear you or talk to you. If your colleague gestures at you to slip the headphones off, pretend to have no idea what they could possibly mean. Besides, that would be impossible, they are now welded to your ears.

Find a newspaper

Most newspapers on public transport are used by drunks as vomit receptacles, toilet paper or trousers. If you manage to find a clean one, don’t pretend to read it as that leaves you vulnerable to interruption. Instead, craft it into an impenetrable disguise by poking out a couple of eye holes and holding it over your face. For the finishing touch, keep it in place then run away.

NOT every film is as unambiguously amazing as The Matrix. If you spot these warning signs, walk out immediately.

Actors improvising

Improvised films rarely make much sense, so if actors are making up the dialogue as they go along, do something more entertaining like having a root canal. Imagine if David Lynch’s Inland Empire had an actual script; it might have been less confusing than being trapped inside someone else’s nightmare for three hours.

It’s in black and white

The technical limitations of old films are an acceptable reason for them to be in black and white. However, the only explanation for a lack of colour in anything made since 1970 is that the director lives up their own arse. Monochrome does not automatically mean a movie is a masterpiece, as anyone who’s seen Frances Ha knows all too well.

It won the Academy Award for Best Picture

Nothing says ‘bland’ more than a major Oscar win. Why should you sit through films like Forrest Gump or The King’s Speech with their hackneyed plots, overt sentimentalism, and people pretending to be disabled? Make a point of shunning such middle of the road fare in favour of your Tarkovsky box set.

It received National Lottery funding

If it was any good, it wouldn’t have needed a charitable donation to get made. The producers will claim that this depressing slice of kitchen sink realism is a story that badly needs to be told and a huge international audience is out there waiting to be found. If that’s the case, why hasn’t Ryan Gosling asked to be in it?

It stars Jennifer Lopez

What a world. Jennifer Lopez continues to make movies, and sewage keeps being pumped into our rivers and seas. It’s utterly baffling why nothing has been done about these things, and it also means that you probably shouldn’t go cold-water swimming. Unless the alternative is watching Monster-in-Law.

Your partner loves it

The biggest indication that you’ll absolutely detest a movie is that the person you share your life with considers it to be one of their favourite films. Let’s face it, you’re about as interested in the works of Vanessa Hudgens as they are in early sixties Hammer Horror. Stop pretending you have stuff in common and just buy a second television.

THE Strait of Hormuz has welcomed back tourists to enjoy pleasure cruises and more on its popular waters.

With a two-week ceasefire agreed in the Middle East, the Iranian tourist board has happily announced that the Strait is once again open for sightseeing cruises, jetskiing and even gondola trips.

A spokesperson said: “We know this has been everyone’s top concern as the world teeters on total destruction. So it’s a great pleasure to open our doors to you all again.

“You’ve likely been trying to fill the void with a cruise round the Mediterranean or the Caribbean, all the while thinking that they don’t compare to the breathtaking sight of fleets of oil tankers. Well, the captains have missed waving at your awestruck faces too.

“You’re free to take selfies and buy themed trinkets from the gift shop, but please remember that the strait is also a working shipping lane. If you get in the way of the ships they will plough right through you like the King’s Guard.

“Don’t hesitate to book your visit. Cruise tickets are selling out fast and we might have to shut again in a fortnight due to unfortunate end-of-the-world circumstances.”

Tourist Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t wait to tick sailing down a commercial shipping route off my bucket list. I just hope they let me swim with an oil barrel.”

As if the United States White House administration isn’t filled with enough brainwashed Maga morons, the American media is quickly filling up with equally thoughtless goons peddling their talking points for them. Case in point: Megyn Kelly. The media “personality,” who has turned too far right even for Fox News to employ, took to the […]

The post Megyn Kelly said Trump could drop a nuclear bomb and she still wouldn’t vote Democrat and it’s a chilling look into the mind of a Maga appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump’s former defense attorney, Todd Blanche, is now the Acting United States Attorney General. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving. Surely we can trust the current White House administration to avoid all potential conflicts of interest that might come from such a perilous arrangement. Let’s see how Blanche is positioning himself in his […]

The post The new US Attorney General had an extra special message for Donald Trump, so no, Magas aren’t beating the cult allegations appeared first on The Poke.

Not that the competition was precisely Olympian, obviously, but James May was always far and away the best thing about Top Gear before Jeremy Clarkson’s unfortunate beef over a cold platter. We’ve not really done A Grand Tour – we’re getting to the point, honest – but we have since enjoyed James May’s various side […]

The post Simply 23 times the great James May made our day so much better on Twitter appeared first on The Poke.

Stevie Nicks will shortly release her first new album in 15 years by all accounts, and if that isn’t a hook to revisit this epic mansplaining tale then we don’t know what is. it’s the guy who took it upon himself to mansplain Fleetwood Mac to this particular woman and, well, best have a look […]

The post The guy who mansplained Fleetwood Mac to this woman was already good but the reply guys in the comments were simply epic appeared first on The Poke.

Not sure if you’ve heard or anything but Taylor Swift’s got a new album out. We mention it because of this particular man’s take on the biggest pop star on the planet has just gone viral for reasons which are about to become obvious, shared by Visqo over on Reddit who said: ‘Dude just found […]

The post A guy appeared to think he’d unearthed a giant conspiracy with this picture of a make-up free Taylor Swift and was mocked into oblivion appeared first on The Poke.