ClickHole
About Time: The DMV Has Announced That Driver Licenses Will Now Have A Box To Check To Consent To An Image Of Your Mangled Corpse Being Used On A Death Metal Album Cover In The Event You Die In A Car Accident
Whether you’re a metal fan or just someone who’d like a cool way to be memorialized after you’re nothing more than a shredded mass of guts and flesh, you’re going to want to see this: The DMV has announced that driver licenses will now have a box to check to consent to an image of your mangled corpse being used on a death metal album cover in the event you die in a car accident.
Hell yeah! There’s no higher honor for a metal lover than to have half of your still-smiling head appear alongside the indecipherable logo of a band that sings about necrophilia and cannibalism.
Next to the organ donor box, all licenses will now have an additional box you can check that reads, “In the event of an accident, I consent to my awesome-looking, gory corpse being used on album covers, posters, and t-shirts for the heaviest, sickest bands around*. *No poser shit.”
“We love using the most repulsive, disturbing photos imaginable on our album covers to give listeners an idea of the harrowing, corpse-reeking death metal they are about to hear,” explained Pissgrave vocalist and guitarist Demian Fenton. “But we’ve always been concerned about using real gore photos without the consent of the rotting, burned, torn-up corpses on our covers. With the DMV’s new policy, we can finally source artwork that’s not only vomit-inducing and completely putrid, but also ethical.”
Even cooler, drivers who check both the organ donor and metal album art consent forms may even have their body parts used as stage props for metal bands’ photoshoots or live shows. So if you’ve always dreamed of having your lungs hanging from a mic stand while Devourment plays a ripping set, all you have to do is check a box on your license and hope you get t-boned by a cement truck sometime soon!
Hell yeah! What a cool way for the DMV to let drivers support the arts in death!
Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS
One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS.
Dang. CVS is really not messing around.
Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations.
“We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.”
Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS!
In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years.
In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.”
Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!
Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery
One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery!
Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened!
The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug.
If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors.
Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace.
Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula!
“At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.”
Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
Fans of Taco Bell, don’t get your hopes up, because their new menu item seems like a failure right out the gate: Taco Bell has released a tostada only women can taste, only dogs can see, only kids can smell, and only men can buy.
Well, that sounds rather limiting.
Taco Bell’s new “Avocado Tostada” may seem like a standard item anyone can buy, smell, see, and taste, but sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. By limiting the product so that only men can buy it, only kids can smell it, only dogs can see it, and only women can taste it, this tostada seems designed for heterosexual couples with one kid and a dog, and pretty much no one else.
Seems pretty confusing, right?
Taco Bell’s commercial promoting the product doesn’t really help the situation either. In it, a man orders the tostada. His dog starts barking, alerting him and his son to the tostada’s location on the counter. His son sniffs around, and with the dog’s helpful barks, he picks it up and carries it to his mom. With a little more help from the dog, the woman proceeds to eat the tostada. The son then remarks that he wishes he could taste it, the man remarks he wishes he could smell it, and the woman remarks that she wishes she could buy it.
Yikes. It’s not every day you see a company biff a new campaign this hard, especially considering that women who’ve eaten the tostada report that its bland flavor does not justify the effort required to order it.
Damn. It’s definitely pretty bizarre that Taco Bell signed off on this, but if you’re a guy who knows a dog, child, and woman who can work together to eat it, it looks like you’ve still got time to check it out.
A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.
Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
Duffel Blog
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete"Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction
PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Daily Mash
Count Binface ‘only man who can unite Labour’, says Blair
We ask you: What is Nasa hoping to find on the Moon?
POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?
Nathan Muir, tree surgeon: “A lost race of beautiful cat-women in desperate need of a man’s seed to propagate their race who’ll kidnap an astronaut and make love to him in shifts. That’s the only reason you’d get me up there.”
Lucy Parry, vicar’s mate: “The ideal location for a Trump Tower Resort and Casino?”
Helen Archer, sociologist: “If it’s grey rocks, they’re well f**king in.”
Dr Denys Finch Hatton, astrophysicist: “A reason for going to the moon. We couldn’t find one in the 1970s, but technology’s come so much further.”
Susan Traherne, private tutor: “Vials of moondust to be pressed into the 180gsm vinyl of an upcoming 55th-anniversary Pink Floyd Collector’s Edition box set, priced at £259.95.”
Bill McKay, digital fingerprinter: “A dead Clanger. For our King.”
How to wank safely in a heatwave
HORNY in extreme heat? Drawn to rubbing one out despite the risks? Take these precautions to avoid scandalous fatality:
Stick to cool, shaded places
Even if your kink is a hand shandy next to an open oven or in a greenhouse, exercise some restraint until the cooler months. Instead head to the refreshing seclusion of a motorway underpass or a supermarket’s walk-in freezer for personal relief. Nobody will be disgusted or call the police because you’re simply looking after your health.
Wear loose-fitting clothing
Not only will loose-fitting cotton shorts keep you cool, they also provide easy access to your genitals. Strenuous physical exercise is best avoided in this heat, so working up a sweat clumsily fumbling with the buttons of your jeans could leave you too tired to crack off. Avoid slipping into one of your many tight-fitting latex gimp suits at all costs.
Don’t use sun cream as lube
Slathering on factor 30 is crucial in a heatwave – but not when lubricating your private areas. While it may protect your reproductive organs from sun damage, the chemicals and minerals will likely cause irritation if they get into your holes and creases. Nor do you want unsightly hand-shaped tan lines on your knob or fanny.
Watch appropriate adult content
Masturbation is a mental activity as much as a physical one. So steer clear of videos like ‘Scorching hot bitches use chilis as dildos in a volcano’. Instead, seek out clips where a slutty Inuit secretary will do anything to please her boss, or Nordic women suck off ice-cream delivery boys. They may sound niche but they’re out there.
Ask a friend to supervise
Heat stroke is a serious risk when wanking in 35 degree temperatures, and if paramedics find you passed out with one hand on your dick they will be straight on social media. Employing a buddy system will avoid this unfortunate outcome and they could even cheer you on. Either that or they’ll request you never contact them again.
Gelato: it’s just f**king ice-cream, isn’t it
ACROSS upscale heatwave Britain, gelato is being served to middle-class families who consider themselves above ice-cream. But is it just ice-cream? Yes:
Both are frozen
The key element in both gelato and ice-cream is that they’re frozen. Apparently gelato is churned more, has less air in it and consequently feels colder in the mouth but that’s clearly bollocks. Nobody has ever tasted a gelato and said ‘Wait, does this feel cold to you?’
Both have the same flavours
Basically chocolate, salted caramel as was made mandatory under EU directive 76/768, and various fruits. You’re not going to be amazed by the wild variety of flavours in a Rome gelateria any more than an Italian will collapse in awe at the freezer section of Tesco. You’ll pick what you like or, if you’re a pretentious prick, pistachio.
Both taste pretty much identical
Apparently gelato is richer and silkier with a lower fat content and was invented by a Sicilian fisherman, but everything says that. If you’re ever bored enough to read the back of your Taste The Difference Beef Bolognese while it’s rotating in the microwave it probably says that. You won’t be able to tell and you know it.
Both are served in cones in coastal locations
If you’re licking it while walking along a promenade in flip-flops under a blazing sun while admiring the bodies of those self-disciplined enough not to eat gelato, is there any difference? If gelato wanted to set itself apart then only being a dessert in fancy restaurants would be a start. Instead it’s exactly where ice-cream would be, because it’s ice-cream.
‘Gelato’ means ‘ice-cream’
The word ‘gelato’ is the Italian word for ‘ice-cream’. All those gelato parlours in Weymouth, Salcombe and Shoreditch are banking on you not checking and they’ve been right. You’ve paid a premium for 15 seconds work in Google Translate and the vague aura of being a foodie. Next time buy a four-pack of Cornettos and stop pissing about.
Next week: Soft-serve ice-cream: why it is the excrement of the devil developed by Margaret Thatcher
How to survive an endless series of crises when you’re in a safe, distant country
UKRAINE, Gaza, Iran, Sudan, melting glaciers. But, through it all, you’ve remained in a nice house in Sussex eating crisps in your joggers. Here’s how to cope:
Acknowledge your pain
Although others are losing homes and loved ones, you hurt too. Don’t minimise your pain. It’s a struggle just working, especially as today is an in-office day. The situation could even affect the Q3 accounts and your hybrid SUV upgrade hangs by a thread. No ventilated seats? No panoramic sunroof? All suffering is relative.
Put yourself first
You cannot pour from an empty cup. And your reusable cup contains an oat flat white from a local independent cafe and says Be Kind. Ask yourself how you can possibly help others when your nervous system is wrecked by upsetting podcasts. Book the massage. Then maybe you’ll be up to stopping all war globally.
Curate your feed carefully
It is important to remain informed, but not so informed that it affects your mood during brunch. Allow one war update a day and intersperse those with reels of dachshunds. Enough people are suffering. Why add yourself unnecessarily? Remember that, in the face of adversity, joy is resistance.
Don’t be afraid to switch off
Self-care can mean turning away from the pain of the world. Just as an Iranian would love to, switch off and don’t feel guilty. Acknowledge the trauma of what you half-heard on the radio before going for a walk around your spacious garden. The missiles will still be there when you get back.
Consider maybe doing something
You may wonder if practical action could help. This feeling should pass. If it persists, consider giving a token amount to a charity that meets your ethical standards. Perhaps you could even purchase a tote bag, so others know you have done so and will be shamed into fixing this. Or write to your MP. They could stop Israel bombing Lebanon if they cared.
Be gentle with yourself
The world is complicated. You were not designed to carry the emotional burden of every international catastrophe while also answering Slack messages, dealing with your Hinge inbox and trying to hit 10,000 steps.You can’t save the world by yourself. Rewatch White Lotus to support its stinging critique of capitalism. Not to ogle Aubrey Plaza.
The Poke
The White House announced Donald Trump’s ‘perfect bill of health’, and the chinny reckon was visible from Mar-a-Lago – 17 perfect clapbacks
Back to the doctor’s office we go! Donald Trump went out of his way to try to convince everyone that he is totally fine and there’s nothing to worry about in terms of his health. He did so with a totally normal announcement that his six month physical went great. (Don’t most normal people have […]
The Poke.
JD Vance got such a silent welcome for his most recent press conference you could hear a pin – and his approval ratings – drop
Nobody ever accused JD Vance of overflowing with charisma. Even still, seeing him wipe out all of the energy in a room just by walking through the door is painful to watch. And yet we can’t look away. Brace yourself. This clip of the Vice President walking into the room for his press conference addressing […]
The Poke.
26 hottest of hot takes on the WTF weather
We’re sure you’ll have noticed that Europe is baking – almost literally, in some places. Dangerously high temperatures have arrived even earlier than they have been over the past few years. The UK alone saw record-breaking heat on two consecutive days this week. UK records hottest day of the year so far, with warnings of […]
The Poke.
Somebody asked about the ‘most absurd’ supermarket delivery substitutions – 23 packers who just could not be arsed
Whether you’re unable to get out to the shops or just love the convenience of groceries arriving at your door, supermarket deliveries are one of the best things about modern living. Well, apart from when you’ve ordered something they don’t have, forgotten to tick the ‘no substitutions’ box, and end up with an item that’s […]
The Poke.
RFK Jr picking up jittery snakes and repeatedly getting bitten tells us all we need to know about the fine minds in charge of the US right now
In case you were wondering if RFK Jr had reached peak weirdness when he said that circumcision leads to an increase in autism, or when he had a shirtless workout session with Kid Rock, or even when it emerged that he’d cut the penis off a dead raccoon ‘to study’, then we can confirm that […]
The Poke.
