Chippendales Recalls 4,000 Tons Of Tainted Man Meat

The Onion.

China Viewed More Favorably Than U.S.

A Pew study found that China was viewed more favorably than America among the 36 countries surveyed, reporting 46% and 36% favorability respectively. What do you think? “Popularity is just a Chinese conspiracy.” Rich Sdunek, Prison Custodian “Don’t they know we invented the Nerds Rope?” Sylvia Nunez, Glue Stirrer “Hey, we don’t bankroll genocides to be popular.” Paolo D’Souza, Denim Tinter The Onion.

George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled ‘Tuba Man, Scuba Man’

SANTA FE, NM—Grunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel, author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled “Tuba Man, Scuba Man.” “Hey, remember that idea I had about a big band leader using a tuba as a diving bell to bring jazz to an underwater civilization of mermaids? Well, it’s finally ready!” said a visibly excited Martin, adding that the sprawling undersea tale of musicianship and political maneuvering had been his primary creative focus over the past 15 years. “I’m telling you, this baby’s got it all. Eel battles! Clarinet prophecies! A great big clam that smokes marijuana! Not to spoil anything, but just when the reader thinks they know who’s going to succeed King Octopius as the merpeople’s saxophonist, I hit them with a scene I’m calling “The Red Lindy Hop.” So far I’ve got 468 chapters, 23 point-of-view characters—that’s including the tuba, who gains sentience—and five of the most unforgettable depictions of Tuba Man on Scuba Man incest that you’ve ever read in your life. Anyway, go ahead and get Apple TV on the phone about an adaptation. I don’t trust HBO to get the sea turtle tits right.” At press time, Martin reportedly responded to his agent’s request to see his progress on the A Song Of Ice And Fire series by handing him a single Post-it note with the word “WOLFS” scribbled on it. The Onion.

Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts

WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. “The House will come to order—oops, hold on, one minute,” said the Louisiana Republican, appearing to perspire heavily as the mallet once again slipped from his hands, which were trapped inside two heavily padded, leather-bound gloves that reportedly deliver an electric shock anytime he attempts to touch his genitals. “Come on, come on. You’ve got this, Mike. Actually, can someone help me get these off? You’ll need to message my son on Covenant Eyes to get the key.” At press time, sources confirmed Johnson was yelling, “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!” and running out of the chambers after the stress of the ordeal caused him to develop a visible erection. The Onion.

Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Staring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like he was never going to be dry again after he got hit by a sprinkler Tuesday. Buchwald, who was described by friends and colleagues as an otherwise sane and rational person, was heard crying out “Christ!” when he came into contact with the water, his tone suggesting he believed he lived in a world where towels had been outlawed across the globe and evaporation did not exist. According to sources, the man continued to sulk for the duration of the short journey down the block, as if he were struggling to come to terms with a life in which he would be dripping puddles while walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding and would one day be buried alongside his wife in a watery grave. At press time, Buchwald was said to be in an even worse mood after onlookers suggested the spray of water must feel kind of good on such a hot day.  The Onion.

Warmth Of Collectivism Strikes Federal Courthouse

NEW YORK, NY — The red-hot warmth of collectivism struck a federal immigration court in downtown New York City yesterday, injuring multiple people with its soothing heat.

Complete Failure Of A Woman Doesn't Have Her Christmas Shopping Done

ELKO, NV — Local woman Sherry McKenzie reportedly ruined her reputation and was now being held up as an example of what a total failure of a woman looks like after it was discovered that she hasn't finished her Christmas shopping.

Matt Walsh Calls Out 'The Odyssey' For Failing To Cast Actual Greek Demigods

NASHVILLE, TN — Conservative commentator Matt Walsh savagely lambasted director Christopher Nolan for his abject failure to cast any actual Greek demigods in The Odyssey.

Lesbian Couple Arrested In Miami On Sex Trafficking Charges

MIAMI, FL — A prominent lesbian couple was arrested Saturday on charges of sex trafficking, the latest in a long line of arrests and controversial charges brought against the pair.

Dad Whose Wife And Kids Are Away Arrives At Church 3.5 Hours Early

SPRING HILL, TN — Local dad Dave Tibbets, whose wife and children were visiting relatives out of state, reportedly arrived at church at 6:00 AM on Sunday, a full 3.5 hours before the 9:30 AM service was scheduled to begin.

Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol

SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Marines discover fire

NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint

WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.

VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.

Iron Man can be Dr Doom because money, explains Robert Downey Jr

World’s first heterosexual lolly launched

ICE lolly manufacturers have responded to demand for a product that in no way resembles a cock. A new lolly, the Ice Block Max, has been developed to meet the needs of male heterosexuals who want to enjoy a lolly without feeling they are basically eating a penis. The new product is a grey cube on a stick resembling a building material, which tastes of bloody steak for a ‘more manly flavour’ and features a picture of Jason Statham on the wrapper. A spokesman for manufacturers Walls said: “This lolly is so red-bloodedly male it can practically do 200 pull-ups while grunting ‘Hurr!’ “The unique, perfectly cuboid shape means that it doesn’t have a shaft. Research shows that anything taller than it is wide basically looks like an erection when being sucked. “Of course we will continue to make the classic phallic lollies – Twister, Calippo, Mini Milk – but sales are likely to fall now men don’t need to look as if they’re well-practised at sucking cock. “Usually when manufacturers try to make a hyper-masculine product it somehow ends up seeming super-gay. That’s why we’re thrilled to have Jason Statham promoting it. “He’s straightness personified, especially the way he wrestles that other guy in The Transporter in a big pool of oil, with his shirt off.”

Six withering criticisms your girlfriend’s mates have ready for when you’re dumped

BOYFRIENDS may think they’ve won the approval of a girlfriend’s close friends. But don’t feel too pleased – if you split up it may turn out you were a monster all along.  There was always something shifty about you It was hard to define, but there was something about you your girlfriend’s mates didn’t trust. Sometimes you seemed reluctant to answer their deeply personal questions. Often you seemed too nice, not dissimilar to a charming serial killer in a TV show. Them not being able to quite put their finger on it just makes you all the more creepy. Your never did the things you were unaware you had to do You never were very good at buying her things she’d looked at but not actually said she wanted, were you? And why didn’t you whisk her away to the Maldives as a surprise? Instead of only suggesting it in advance to be sure she could get time off work and taking her then, you unspontaneous bastard? You had wandering eyes Fidelity is vitally important to a girlfriend’s mates, and if one of them wore a low-cut top you should have switched off your hardwired instincts and averted your eyes. However obviously looking above her head was obviously just an attempt to hide your sexual attraction too, so you may as well have done her doggy-style in the car park when your girlfriend was in the loo. You’re no different to the rest of them. You still had feelings for your ex Your girlfriend’s mates have subtly interrogated you about your last girlfriend with the thoroughness of the CIA. And it turned out you both occasionally meet in the company of mutual friends. Her previous ex did something similar. Why are men never over their exes, the wankers?  You had terrible social habits You might not have known, but you were a nightmare to be with socially. Always talking while eating when they asked you an insistent question. Some of your anecdotes fell a bit flat, and it’s impossible to move on from a humiliation like that. Her next boyfriend will be impossibly cool in every situation, like Steve McQueen in films. There are loads of guys like that. You weren’t physically compatible  So many deal-breakers. A man should be taller than his girlfriend in heels, not the same size, which just looks ridiculous. Any children would have had your Shrek-like ears, and your arms looked insufficiently muscled to give truly comforting post-coital cuddles. It’s a shame you can’t break up with the gene pool as well.

Men’s health magazines running out of ways to say ‘get abs’

MAGAZINES that promote a healthy male lifestyle are desperately trying to find new ways to recommend abs. After decades of running articles about how to get toned abdominal muscles, magazines for body-conscious men have admitted there is no further content to be wrung from this fairly limited topic. Editor Tom Booker said: “Sure, we can do an article about biceps or thighs, but it’s abs everyone wanted. Now there are literally no new angles on developing stomach muscles and we’re paying the price. “Once you’ve recommended sit-ups and tracking your calories in a way that doesn’t result in muscle loss, that’s it. We filled the pages with unnecessarily detailed instructions on how to do crunches for a few years, but that only bought us so much time. “Nobody wrote in to complain and dentists kept placing our mags in their waiting rooms, so we assumed everything was okay. It’s not. We’ve run out of road for abs. “If you can think of a fresh way to say ‘abs are hard to get but they look great and it could get you a shag’ then please get in touch urgently. I’m starting to lay people off at 2pm.” Magazine reader Wayne Hayes said: “I hope they fold after decades of making me feel I should have abs. I’m sure these unrealistic body images gave me my eating disorder of stuffing my face with kebabs.”

Six completely ethical ways to get rid of a chugger at your door

ARE you not very good at lying that you’re in the middle of dinner when a charity fundraiser knocks at your door? Try these tactics instead.  Read all the small print  What better way to deter them than to get bogged down in the legalese they’ve presented you with? Does this poor 20-year-old, underpaid fundraiser know exactly how setting up a direct debit affects your habeas corpus rights? Plus you get the chance to cosplay as a lawyer. Your parents would be so proud if you were a real one. Claim mental distress from their cause Now you’ve had it explained to you, you’re not only moved but deeply traumatised by the plight of warzone children/lonely old people/donkeys. Can they come back when you’ve had time to recover from the reactive depression they’ve just triggered? They’re bound to say yes, but will probably have to move on to a new area so won’t return. Well done, you have successfully fooled a caring organisation. Try to sign them up for your own charity What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, or something. Insist they sign up for a charity you’ve just thought of. Look, you’ve got all the donation details here on your phone. Soon they’ll be the one awkwardly trying not to look like a bastard by not supporting endangered beavers. Offer a weird amount of cash When the conversation turns to the sums you can choose to donate, insist on a strange amount that’s clearly less than the usual minimum, eg. £1.83 a month. When they say it’s usually a round five or tenner, insist your diligent budgeting means this is all you can afford. A national charity can’t accuse you of being a liar, weirdo or just pathetically poor, and the interaction will be over. Debate them into catatonia Charity is all very well and good, but you feel that relying too heavily on it opens the door for government inactivity and becoming reliant on the whims of millionaires or billionaires. Or indeed the general population, too easily swayed by cute animal causes and subject to financial hardship themselves. You’re surprised as how good you are at debating when not handing over money is involved. Can they leave a leaflet?  As soon as you realise it’s a fundraiser at the door, put on your best act of being stressed and harassed. Perhaps shout into the living room ‘No, you’re not taking the kids, Emma!’ then calmly tell the chugger that this is ‘a bad time’ and could they leave a leaflet? Who cares if your amateur dramatics are convincing or not, it’s what everyone else does anyway.

A GB News-er trolled Keir Starmer for going straight to the pub and was owned under the table – 14 especially stiff comebacks

Keir Starmer did what any right-minded human being would do after leaving Downing Street for the last time – he went to the pub. The former PM was by all accounts joined by various members of his cabinet who didn’t make it into successor Andy Burnham’s top team. SUN EXCLUSIVE Keir Starmer resigned as PM […] The Poke.

Even his Fox News colleagues couldn’t pretend to enjoy Greg Gutfeld’s pitiful sexist joke about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and it was all he had

The Human Resources department at Fox News must be run by chimpanzees. There’s no other explanation for how the behavior on that network continues to go on undeterred. Just last week, one of the most prominent hosts on the network, Jesse Watters, was joking about rape in America’s military. Now we have another Fox screaming […] The Poke.

Trump’s border czar was asked about the most recent ICE killings and his answer had people hollering into next year

Human cueball Tom Homan might be the only person in the Donald Trump administration angrier than the President himself. No matter the subject, question, or time of day when Homan speaks, it’s usually in a condescending yell with his fingers pointing and his brow furrowing. The border czar was most recently asked about ICE agents […] The Poke.

Magas bigged up this Spanish World Cup hero for wearing a Trump-style hat but the joke was surely on them and it made it even funnier

To the Spanish World Cup parade where the national football team celebrated with thousands and thousands of supporters after their not entirely thrilling 1-0 win over Argentina. Massive parade in Madrid for Spain’s national team pic.twitter.com/Z2Kj0Y5CQl — Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) July 20, 2026 And we mention it because of the hat […] The Poke.

Liz Kershaw trolled the outfit chosen by Andy Burnham’s wife Marie-France van Heel and got all the responses she deserved

You might remember Liz Kershaw from back in the day when she was on BBC national radio. Not sure if she’s still a DJ but she appears to have increasingly swapped the wheels of steel for the keys of mean on Twitter, and they don’t get much meaner – or grimmer- than this. Kershaw was […] The Poke.