ERIE, PA—Feeling what he described as intense satisfaction as he gazed at the floor around the barber chair, local man Gabriel Daynes, 35, was proud of all the hair on the ground after he got a haircut, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, look at that big pile down there—I grew all that!” Daynes reportedly thought to himself, smiling slightly as he surveyed the sizable quantity of hair clippings beneath him. “I know it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a trim, but still, that is a huge amount of hair. It’s everywhere! I mean, seriously, you can barely see the pattern on the floor.” According to reports, Daynes was disappointed after the barber swept up the pile of hair without so much as an impressed whistle.

The post Man Proud Of Hair On Ground After Haircut appeared first on The Onion.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. “I thought it could be fun but also kind of a challenge to watch the whole series from start to finish,” said Semple, who reportedly failed to perceive the seriousness of his mood disorder even once as he binged the dystopian sci-fi franchise, including in the short breaks he took between installments when the concerning reality of his mental health had a better chance of surfacing. “Obviously, some of the older ones, aside from the very first, don’t quite hold up, and the Mark Wahlberg remake is pretty shaky. But the newer Ape movies are really good, and either way, I’m kind of proud I stuck it out. Yeah, I gotta say, all in all, it’s been a pretty awesome day.” At press time, reports confirmed Semple was on the verge of comprehending how deeply sad he was at all times when he discovered a Planet Of The Apes television series from 1974 that he still hadn’t checked out.

The post At No Point While Rewatching Every ‘Planet Of The Apes’ Does It Occur To Man He Might Be Depressed appeared first on The Onion.

SYDNEY—Responding to backlash following the release of Netflix’s America’s Next Top Model docuseries, supermodel and television personality Tyra Banks stated Tuesday that taking abuse from Tyra Banks is simply how the modeling industry works. “You can ask hundreds of models around the world, and they’ll all tell you that getting emotionally abused by Tyra Banks is par for the course at any model call or runway show,” said the 52-year-old Banks, who noted that being forced by Tyra Banks to change one’s body, hair, or teeth for a photoshoot was “practically a rite of passage.” “If anything, what people saw on America’s Next Top Model was a toned-down version of the level of degrading comments from Tyra Banks that most young models in the industry actually receive. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t make the rules.” Banks went on to say that she herself had endured countless demeaning remarks from Tyra Banks when she was an up-and-coming young model.

The post Tyra Banks Says Taking Abuse From Tyra Banks Simply Reflective Of How The Industry Works appeared first on The Onion.

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The post Speechwriters Struggling To Spin List Of Ugly Women Trump Gave Them Into SOTU Address appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democrat response to President Trump's State of the Union address will reportedly be delivered by Bad Bunny, sources confirmed Tuesday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men's Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With an alleged third assassination attempt in the books, President Trump is reportedly one step closer to a free third term.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local Episcopalian Myrtle Smith has once again elected to undergo an enormous sacrifice by giving up reading her Bible again this Lent.

ATLANTA, GA — While speaking at the Rialto Center for the Arts as part of promotion for his new memoir, Young Man in a Hurry: A Memoir of Discovery, California Governor Gavin Newsom wowed a black audience by putting some hot sauce into his purple drank.

As if it wasn’t enough that immigrants come to this country ILLEGALLY or in some disturbing cases LEGALLY looking to drink our water, marry our cousins, and crowd our self check-outs, there’s something amiss that would make any red-blooded patriot’s blood BOIL: This immigrant working forced labor in an ICE detention center is robbing a US-born convict of his 13-cent-an-hour job.

What?! How does something like this happen in AMERICA??

When 37-year-old Honduran immigrant José Rivera Gomez was detained by ICE and forced into a crowded makeshift detention center at an undisclosed location in Florida, the first thing he did was the thing all immigrants do best: He immediately took an extremely low-paying job away from an American citizen by working at his prison’s park bench factory. By working 12 hours a day for 13 cents an hour in inhospitable, unsafe conditions, he’s robbing a hardworking AMERICAN convict of much needed funds he could use to purchase $12 toothpaste and $15 chocolate bars at commissary. 

If you’ve ever wondered why the prison economy of gangs such as the Aryan Brotherhood is collapsing, look no further than immigrants like José taking away dozens of dollars a month from RED-BLOODED, AMERICAN convicts who not only were actually BORN in this country, but actually stepped up and committed actual CRIMES to be incarcerated and coerced into forced labor, not just “overstayed their work visas.”

Yep. This is DISGUSTING with a capital D!

Hopefully José will accidentally hack off his hands while polishing a park bench using unsafe equipment soon so his STOLEN job and PALTRY WAGES can be given to a REAL American who needs money for a razor or a bar of soap. Until then, SHAME on this country for letting this happen.

Forget everything you knew about the restaurant experience, because the game has officially changed: This cafe modeled their payment system after healthcare billing so chefs, waiters, and dishwashers can invoice you separately for completely random amounts weeks to months later.

Whoa…how has no one ever thought to do this before? Going out to eat will never be the same!

Lucy’s Luncheonette isn’t just a beloved staple of downtown Fayetteville, NC: it’s the future of how restaurants bill customers. At Lucy’s, instead of flagging down a waiter to settle your bill before leaving, you’ll receive separate invoices from every employee who took part in your meal experience—including but not limited to chefs, waiters, busboys, dishwashers, and hostesses. These invoices will come in the mail at some unspecified point in the following six months, or possibly later, requesting arbitrary amounts of money that were not disclosed up-front for services itemized either as vaguely named items like “Misc. Carbohydrate,” or numeric codes with no description. 

If you ordered a sandwich and coffee at any other cafe, you’d settle the entire bill with a server before leaving, and never think about it again. At Lucy’s, you’ll receive that server’s invoice in the mail three weeks later, with a line item for refilling your water listed as “Oral Hydration Replenishment Procedure – $32.09”, among a dozen other charges. Cut to four months later, and you’ll receive another invoice from the line cook for services including cooking chicken (“Protein Thermal Processing Treatment – $6.22”) and chopping lettuce (“Vegetative Component Structural Reduction – $3.34), and so on and so forth, until the restaurant’s wait and kitchen staff have all individually charged you for every distinct action they undertook during your dining experience, from clearing your table to giving you a new napkin, that they can legally bill for.

Lucy’s unique payment system is the brainchild of its owner, William Dumas, who left a career in medical claims processing to open the cafe, inspired by what he saw working in the U.S. healthcare system.

“Knowing generally what the service is going to cost ahead of time, and paying one straightforward bill on the spot instead of numerous invoices sent sporadically over time—that wouldn’t fly in healthcare like it does in the restaurant business,” explained Dumas, who had the idea for his luncheonette’s pay model after sending a cancer patient’s unpaid bill to collections, and imagining a busboy being able to do the same to a restaurant customer. 

“I thought, ‘what if you took the drawn out, over-complicated process of medical billing, and applied it to going out for a meal?’ It’s been a very validating experience, watching our customers find themselves in credit score-tanking restaurant debt after failing to pay a thousand dollar invoice that a hostess sent them for reasons that hours and hours on the phone with our management do not help clarify whatsoever.”

Needless to say, the dining experience is about to be revolutionized in a huge, huge way.

Don’t be surprised if the entire food industry adopts this cafe’s healthcare-inspired pay model soon, from fine dining establishments to coffee shops. Props to Lucy’s Luncheonette for daring to think outside the box!

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.

The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”

“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”

“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”

The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.

“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”

Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.

“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”

She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”

When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

“I can assure you that President Trump lets me sit in on intelligence briefings every day, so long as I’m being good,” Rubio said, nervously adjusting a crucifix while glancing at Miller. “And I have never once seen Tulsi Gabbard in the Situation Room. Unless she was disguised as a potted plant.”

Pentagon spokesman Chad “Keg” Stand acknowledged that occasionally “a woman with weird hair” shows up asking pointed questions about Ukraine.

“But I can assure you that since she’s a 7 — maybe an 8, tops — she is absolutely not cleared to access War Duke Hegseth,” Stand said.

On Capitol Hill, responses were remarkably bipartisan in that no one appeared eager to confirm who was running the intelligence community.

“Of course this is a serious accusation,” said Sen. Tom Tillis (R-N.C.). “I vaguely remember voting on something related to intelligence oversight, but surely it wasn’t Tulsi Gabbard. That would be crazy."

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer offered his most practiced sigh and promised to issue “a strongly worded post on X” if the allegations proved accurate.

“Is Tulsi the one who shot her dog? No? The one who swam in poop water with kids? Huh,” Schumer said. “I’ll have to circle back.”

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson dismissed questions about the DNI’s identity, insisting he had more pressing matters.

“I’m extremely relevant and important,” Johnson said. “So I just don't know anything about this. I can’t be expected to know whether there’s an intelligence community, much less whether it’s being run by someone so hilariously unqualified.”

Further questions about who was leading American intelligence have been referred to officials in Fulton County, Georgia for some reason. 

The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as Director of National Intelligence

Pro: This will own the libs, so hard

Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat

CIA Concerned about TikTok’s “Leak Classified US Intelligence” Challenge

Totally sus videos living rent-free in their head

Duffel BlogW.E. Linde

Snowden begins to suspect Russia spies on its citizens

The ex-NSA contractor seems a little too curious, say sources in Moscow.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

CIA destabilizes China by sending them Tylenol

Agency says it will weaponize Benadryl next

Duffel BlogRed Friday

Autocorrect Fail Leads To CIA Waterboarding In Semen

In an Edward Snowden file recently decrypted by China, secret documents reveal that CIA agents accidentally waterboarded a pair of terror suspects in human semen, intelligence sources say.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

A LONGTIME couple’s romantic night out at a restaurant has made them realise their love language is now a chilly silence. 

50-year-old Nathan Muir and wife of 20 years Jo booked a table at D’Agistino’s to reaffirm their romance and soon realised they would achieve this by not talking to each other at all.

Muir said: “Other love languages include physical touch and gifts. Not so much ours. Our love thrives on hush and looking in different directions.

“We managed 90 seconds chat on the breadsticks – the flavour, the consistency, how they compare to other breadsticks we’ve had – and a further 35 seconds on the waiter’s earring. Then we lapsed into what makes us both comfortable.

“28 minutes and 40 seconds later, they brought the meal and we made noises of acknowledgement, then it would have been rude to talk with our mouths full, then I was concerned I might have spinach on my teeth so kept my mouth shut.

“Anyone watching would’ve thought it was a date between a monk and a nun from rival silent orders. It’s a sign of love, knowing so much about each other there’s nothing left to say.

“Besides, what am I going to do – flirt with my own wife, like a pervert? No, our love goes beyond words. We’d renew our vows if we could do it silently.”

Jo Muir agreed: “Mm.”

GOOD evening, welcome to this fine inner-city hostelry the tourists do not frequent. Can I tempt you to a large bar of Dairy Milk? 

No, sir, I am not a licensed seller of confectionery. More of an entrepreneur, which is why my wares can be offered at such competitive prices. Box of Lindor truffles for your good lady?

How did I obtain such a delectable range of toothsome comestibles? Ah, well thereby hangs a tale of derring-do to match those of folk heroes Robin Hood and Dick Turpin! For I, with my own hands, shoplifted them from my local branch of the Co-op!

Yes, I am a familiar face in those aisles, which is why I call in at only the busiest times when the staff are most distracted. When there are queues for sausage rolls and an elderly gentleman seeks to put £20 on his gas card; that is my time.

I make my way over to the chocolate, alcohol now being protected from my depredations, and not to put to fine a point on it, I fill my trousers. And my jacket, and this sweater you see here which has remained unwashed for many months.

Then, espied by security who relish our game of cat-and-mouse as much as I, I flee. I run as fast as my shaking legs can carry me, still loaded with chocolate bars around my intimate areas. Only when safely hidden in a grimy back alley do I count my spoils.

And here they are for you now, good people, fresh and discounted. Tony’s Chocolonely? Lindt Intense Dark? This Toblerone which wedged so neatly in my cleft?

No? Suit yourselves. It saddens me so many do not recognise a bargain when they see one.

OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off: 

Paddington Bear

Once a beloved icon of children’s literature, revived in two magical films, but there’s no coming back after you’ve sold out to have afternoon tea with the Queen. The last film was crap and his plastic replicas on town centre benches are regularly pissed on by students. Post-Baftas, he should be banished to Cyprus in cultural exile like Kevin Spacey.

Harry Potter

The books were enjoyable when you were a kid and didn’t know any better. The films were decent before you learned about acting and that Daniel Radcliffe couldn’t. The Fantastic Beasts films and JK Rowling’s transphobia gave everyone an excuse to walk away forever. It would be irresponsible not to take advantage of it.

Doctor Who

Sixty-odd years is a good innings for a TV show. It gave audiences bangers like Genesis of the Daleks and Blink, but it subjected them to the Colin Baker era, an EastEnders crossover and Russell Davies’s reimagining of the whole of time and space as subservient to the ideals of woke. Let it die. Maybe come up with something new instead?

Peter Rabbit

Not quite as overused as the others – mercifully, we’ve yet to see the announcement of a shared Beatrix Potter cinematic universe – but what was once a mischievous rabbit became an ASBO arsehole tarnished with the vocal talents of James Corden. Plus he’s anti-farmer so his next appearance will be death by shotgun live on Clarkson’s Farm. 

James Bond

They can’t find an actor because the whole concept is anachronistic bollocks. All Bond films are good for is a theme song and padding out the ITV2 schedule on a Bank Holiday weekend. Even in the world of 007 everyone was so tired of him they killed him off.

The Royals

Tolerable when the Queen was still around, like everyone had a gran they’d briefly pay attention to at Christmas if they couldn’t find the remote. But she’s gone, Andrew’s misdeeds have not coincidentally now come to light, it’s time to declare the whole sorry farce over. Kate can stay on as the nation’s Head Girl if she wants.

PETER Mandelson has told police he cannot be charged with a crime for forwarding emails to a friend as this would make the whole white-collar world criminal. 

The former Lord, MP for Hartlepool, business secretary, EU commissioner for trade and ambassador to the US told police if he were arrested for this, every office worker forwarding an gif of a cat skidding on ice would be equally guilty.

He continued: “Yes, I forwarded those emails to Jeffrey Epstein within 22 minutes of receiving them. Because I’m efficient.

“I suppose some did say they were confidential, but does not every email have a similar disclaimer on its base? Does that stop Robert in procurement from forwarding an email about holiday requests to his wife, adding the header ‘look at this f**king bullshit’?

“This is not a police matter. This is an HR matter, at most, and even then would not rise to the level of ‘written warning’. Why would the forward arrow be there if not to be used? And so akin to the reply arrow.

“A billionaire was alerted that UK assets would be available before if was announced. Have you never heard of a pre-sale? Would you rather I had alerted a pauper?”

Inspector Joe Turner of the Metropolitan Police said: “We can’t charge him. It would entail thinking long and hard about when Gordon Brown was prime minister, and nobody wants to do that.”

Everyone’s scared of something, whether that’s heights, spiders or cramped spaces. These fears are reasonable enough, but even seemingly regular things can be the source of a phobia. And we know this because rayhuan put the following question to the good people of r/AskReddit: ‘What’s something everyone thinks is normal, but you’re actually terrified of?’ […]

The post What’s something everyone thinks is normal, but you’re actually terrified of? – 17 everyday things that give people the heebie-jeebies appeared first on The Poke.

In the days before Google Translate and DuoLingo, visitors to foreign countries had to rely on a good old-fashioned phrase book to help them converse with any natives who were too lazy to have learned English. And now, comedian Al Murray has unearthed a 1960s-era example of Collins Spanish Phrase Book which certainly fits the […]

The post Al Murray’s fabulous old Spanish phrase book with ‘magnificently low expectations of Spain’ is just wonderful appeared first on The Poke.

The last time Donald Trump’s signature went viral, it wasn’t the “good” kind of viral. This time might not go much better. Newly minted Maga, Nicki Minaj, went on Twitter to brag about her signed Donald Trump bible. Here’s the proud post: One of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever received in my entire life. […]

The post Nicki Minaj proudly showed off her Trump signed bible and it was not the flex she thought it was – 15 heaven sent replies appeared first on The Poke.

The endless drudgery of work can get us all down now and again, but at least there is always the opportunity to enjoy the outrageous ridiculousness of other people. They’ve been discussing this on the AskUK subreddit after user situatzi6410 posted this: ‘What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard at work?’ And they started with a […]

The post ‘What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard at work?’ – 21 comical tales to get you through another week in the office appeared first on The Poke.

As a child, you probably thought the grown ups in your life were incredibly intelligent, capable and practical, right? Well, not really. They were most likely ham-fisted buffoons, but just good at hiding it. Over on the AskReddit page, user Afraid_Square3488 posed this question to their fellow mature idiots: ‘What is a basic adult skill […]

The post ‘What is a basic adult skill that your brain just literally refuses to learn?’ – 21 abilities that are inexplicably hard to master appeared first on The Poke.