Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World

BOSTON—Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. “I just don’t get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to turn my thoughts into language,” said the frustrated Ullman, explaining that “brain thoughts aren’t for girlfriend.” “Just what does she think I am? Some sort of magician? If it’s in my skull, it’s going to stay in my skull, no matter how much I move my lips. She wants me to ‘open up’ and show her ‘what’s going on inside,’ but has anyone been able to do that before?” At press time, a flustered Ullman simply responded “Horny! That’s all it is—horny!” when asked what made him punch the wall. The Onion.

RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen

WASHINGTON—Responding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. not to microwave himself in the office kitchen. “This is a shared space, and it’s upsetting for employees to walk in and see Secretary Kennedy sparking and wailing in there while his skin blisters under the incandescent light,” one HHS source told reporters Wednesday, adding that the nation’s top health official will often spend 20-minute stretches cooking inside the microwave in what Kennedy says is an effort to “nuke the breeding grounds” for various carcinomas and autism spectrum disorder. While he claims he has President Trump’s full support to do so, the source expressed doubts. “People just want to warm up their leftovers without having to clean liquefied ear cartilage off the turntable. Plus, the severe internal thermal burns make his burps smell like a corpse, and that’s not something you want in a workplace.” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy was once again inside the microwave and had warned staffers not to open the door lest all the miasma retreat back into his bones. The Onion.

U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President’s Extramarital Affairs

WASHINGTON—Touting the new line of currency as an important way to recognize the many babes bagged by the commander-in-chief over the years, the U.S. Mint announced plans Wednesday to release a series of gold coins commemorating President Donald Trump’s extramarital affairs. “These coins will allow Americans to celebrate their nation’s semiquincentennial by collecting 50 of Trump’s sidepieces throughout history,” said U.S. Mint director Paul Hollis, adding that the line of tokens would feature the president on the front and a portrait of the model or porn star with whom Trump cheated on the back. “While there has been disagreement over whether to depict a president’s paramours while they’re still alive, we felt it was important for America’s 250th to immortalize Trump’s sexual conquests for posterity. The president’s rating of the intercourse, from 1 to 10, is engraved on each coin so collectors can organize them from least to most satisfying.” Hollis went on to state that the U.S. Mint was in the planning stages of an additional line in remembrance of affairs that specifically took place on the island of Little St. James. The Onion.

JD, Usha Vance Welcome Baby Boy

Vice President JD Vance and Second Lady Usha Vance announced the birth of a baby boy, their fourth child and the first born to a sitting U.S. vice president in over 150 years. What do you think? “Sounds like those two are getting serious.” Reed McNally, Campfire Tender “Not as impressive as the time Hannibal Hamlin asexually reproduced while in office.” Perry Blatner, Lens Expert “Great, just born and already living on government money.” Shayna Fauteux, Balloon Deflater The Onion.

Chippendales Recalls 4,000 Tons Of Tainted Man Meat

The Onion.

Life Hack: Instead Of Buying Guinness, Try Putting A Loaf Of Bread Into A Blender And Drinking It

Feel Irish from the comfort of your own home with this simple trick!

Smithsonian Director Says She Is Completely Unaware Of Any 'Kill Whitey' Tattoo On Her Forehead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As congressional hearings looking into "wokeness" in federal institutions took place on Capitol Hill, a Smithsonian director admitted that she was completely unaware of any "Kill Whitey" tattoo on her forehead.

Unable To Arrest Netanyahu, Mamdani Takes Down Bibi With Vicious Diss Track

NEW YORK, NY — After coming to the sobering realization he has no authority to arrest a world leader, Mayor Zoran Mamdani reportedly released an epic hip hop diss track designed to get Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu shaking in his boots.

New Jersey Blames 'Slight Software Glitch' For Enrolling Entire Country Of Bolivia As Voters

TRENTON, NJ — Concerns about election integrity in the United States were once again brought to the public's attention, as New Jersey blamed a "slight software glitch" for accidentally enrolling the entire country of Bolivia as voters.

Dejected Mamdani Admits He Lacks Legal Authority To Invade Poland

NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani tearfully admitted in a recorded statement that he does not, in fact, have any legal authority to invade Poland.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers

MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.

Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol

SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Marines discover fire

NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint

WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.

Prince George allowed to execute one peasant for his birthday

We ask you: Which annoying holiday photos are you sharing on social media?

BOMBARDING social media with holiday photos is the best part of going away. Which insufferable snaps are you posting online? Tom Booker, barista: “The stunning view from my five-star villa, with the caption ‘Not a bad place to wake up’. I won’t mention that I’m here with my parents.” Nikki Hollis, dental nurse: “Picture after picture of me frolicking in the waves wearing a bikini. They’re not annoying though because thousands of men I don’t know give them a like.” Wayne Hayes, carpenter: “The view from the plane window. It shows I don’t actually give a f**k about my carbon footprint.” Kelly Howard, support worker: “My lunch at upmarket Gloucester Services. A plate of sausages and mash from the Farmshop & Kitchen is probably better than your entire shitty holiday in Benidorm. Look at that gravy and despair, scum.” Martin Bishop, graphic designer: “A selfie without any kids. Lots of my friends are parents now, so I like to remind them what a fun, childless holiday looks like.”

Job-related stress higher if you’re an idiot who expects work to be pleasurable

PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed. Studies have proved that people who go to work for a sense of fulfilment instead of earning money are more likely to be found crying in the loos because their boss gave them ‘constructive feedback’. Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There are only a handful of people on Earth who genuinely enjoy their jobs, and two of them are traffic wardens in Bradford. “For everyone else, the data tells us that long-term happiness relies on entering the workforce safe in the knowledge that only drudgery and ingratitude lie ahead. “Joy is best sought outside of sterile offices filled with psychopaths. Popular sources of pleasure include watching a stranger miss a train, or seeing on social media that an old school friend has put on more weight than you. “If you must insist on feeling something at work, aim for anger or contempt. Far from compounding your stress, they’ll likely lead to a lovely promotion.” Corporate drone Caroline Ryan said: “I’m thriving at work because I shut down my emotions years ago. Which is just as well, because if I reactivated them I’d feel nothing but despair at my dead-end job.”

Bunging everyone a couple of grand would really ease the cost of living, says public

THE public have informed Andy Burnham that chucking everyone two grand would provide some much-needed breathing space. While the people of Britain are somewhat grateful for a £2 price cap on bus fares, they would much prefer it if the prime minister deposited two thousand pounds straight into their bank accounts instead. Mary Fisher from Worcester said: “I rarely take the bus, but I’m haemorrhaging money on food and childcare every day. So a two grand cash injection would make more sense, fiscally. “It wouldn’t be difficult to set up. Creating a standing order from the nation’s piggy bank should only take a couple of clicks, and they’ve got all of our details on file already. I’ll be patient and give Burnham until the end of the day. “Remember to make it tax free. And don’t faff around with BACS payments because they can take 72 hours to clear. I’m planning to invest my lump sum at the Bingo this evening.” Martin Bishop from Hastings said: “I’m usually against handouts and the nanny state, but if two grand’s on the table I’m willing to be the bigger person and put my principles aside. “In fact, like most economic policies, this one doesn’t go far enough. Make it a monthly payment and we’ll say no more about it.”

Government to raise minimum age for choosing own haircut to 21

UNDER 21s are to be legally prevented from selecting their own haircut before they develop a sense of style. A new regulation will protect young people from their own godawful taste and the influence of broccoli-haired TikTokers by making everyone show proof of age when going for a trim. A government spokesperson said: “Bad haircuts don’t go away when they grow out, thanks to school photos and driving licenses they’re an embarrassment that follows you into adulthood. “Young people’s brains aren’t mature enough for that level of responsibility. As evidenced by all the curtains and mullets they’re voluntarily sporting without a hint of shame or irony. “Future generations will wonder why we didn’t step in on their behalf sooner. It’s similar to how we look back at smoking indoors and the popularity of Jim Davidson as archaic and deeply puzzling. “Youngsters shouldn’t fret though. Just because we’ve taken away porn, social media and now haircuts, there are plenty of other fun things they can do. Like unpaid apprenticeships.” Kelly Howard, 36, said: “I wish this law was around when I was young. It would have saved me from having white girl cornrows every summer between 1996 and 2001.”

‘What’s one free website that genuinely made your life easier?’ – 21 actually useful corners of the internet

Where once it seemed to promise a technological utopia, the internet increasingly feels like something which is changing the world for the worse. Social media certainly isn’t doing anyone any favours. But, it turns out that all is not lost, and having a miniature computer in your hand 24/7 can actually be a good thing. […] The Poke.

‘What’s the fastest you’ve seen someone quit a job?’ – 17 people who handed in their notice with record-breaking speed

It’s a common experience to start a job and realise it’s not all that. But most people grind it out while looking for something new instead of instantly walking away. Not everyone is this cautious though. According to the findings of hereagain8674, some people think nothing of handing in their notice at the first opportunity […] The Poke.

‘What job has the naffest ‘perks’?’ – 23 so-called incentives that will have you wondering why any of us bother

Ah, the joys of late stage capitalism. We work our fingers to the bone so that the shareholders of multinational conglomerates can have more money to spend on yachts and Ferraris. And what do we get in return? Well, a lot of workplaces nowadays try to tempt people to work for them by offering ‘perks’, […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked what he will do about his claims China meddled in the 2020 election and his answer was the new dictionary definition of ‘spineless’

Last week, Donald Trump made a formal announcement in front of any media still willing to spread his blatant lies. (Many major American news channels refused to even cover the event for fear of validating unsubstantiated claims.) At the announcement, the President of the United States vowed to punish China for their supposed interference in […] The Poke.

Jennifer Garner on the absolute weirdness of being followed by photographers day and night for basically forever is a genuine jaw-dropper

We’re no fans of the paparazzi and their especially privacy-invading practices, but we hadn’t appreciated quite how weird it is for celebrities to be followed by them day and night until we watched this. It’s Jennifer Garner talking on the ‘Shut up, Evan’ podcast – no, us neither – about her experience and when we […] The Poke.