The Onion
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Zendaya
With her roles in the current and upcoming blockbusters The Odyssey, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and Dune: Part Three, Zendaya is having a banner year. The Onion sat down with the star to discuss what’s new and what’s next.
The Onion : What drew you to The Odyssey ?
Zendaya: I’ve always had a passion for large wooden sculptures of farm animals filled with adult men.
Are you and Tom Holland married?
I think so, but the guy’s accent is so strong that I can never really tell what he’s saying.
Which Spider-Man film is your favorite?
As soon as I watch one I will get back to you.
What’s the best piece of advice you ever received?
Recaulk your windows every year. It saved me $180 last winter.
How did you meet Law Roach?
Wait, you can see him too?
How has fame changed you over the years?
It hasn’t. I’m still 100% focused on my snake farm.
The Onion.
Law Roach Asks Store Associate If She Has Tom Holland In Different Size
LOS ANGELES—Noting that the extra small available on the sales floor just wouldn’t work for his client, Zendaya’s stylist Law Roach reportedly asked a store associate Thursday if she had Tom Holland in any other sizes. “Excuse me? This sample size won’t work for Z, she’s very tall,” said Roach, who was overheard demanding that another employee grab a steamer and get the wrinkles out of the Tom Holland he was hoping to incorporate into Zendaya’s red carpet look for next week’s Spider-Man: Brand New Day premiere. “My client loves the look and feel of Tom Holland, so I want to make it work for her. But we really need to size up if she wants to wear heels. Or maybe you’ve got Tom Holland in a mini? Something under three feet? He might work better as an accessory.” At press time, sources confirmed Roach had told the store associate to “forget it” and had resolved to create a custom Tom Holland himself.
The Onion.
Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. “New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your life, even if it’s just for a few thrusts,” said lead researcher Dr. Barry Vekic, explaining that all the short dopamine bursts people get from scrolling social media or playing games during coitus can permanently alter the joy receptors that are triggered when one’s genitals are being stimulated in real life. “Volunteers in the study who underwent a digital detox in favor of participating in sociable activities like eye contact and dirty talk during lovemaking reported feeling 75% more satisfied with their orgasms compared to those who remained on TikTok through the point of climax, clean-up, and beyond. We also found a much higher rate of general well-being and increased self-esteem among those who used the time they might have spent on their phones while fooling around more constructively, accomplishing tasks from their to-do list mid-bang instead of browsing.” Vekic added that before smartphones, the average adult spent only about one hour on their device while having sex per week, often opting for healthier cognitive processes like reading a book or crocheting a sweater while receiving oral, manual, vaginal, or anal pleasure from their intimate partner.
The Onion.
New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip
GENEVA—In an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with a signed permission slip from a legal guardian. “This landmark treaty expressly forbids minors from enlisting in combat roles unless sanctioned by their parent or guardian,” said International Committee of the Red Cross President Mirjana Spoljaric Egger, explaining that the update would end the barbaric practice of children under 18 entering the frontline without the express consent of their caregiver. “As long as a legal custodian approves, who are we in the international community to prevent kids from serving their country or militia? It’s important for those raising our youngest soldiers to have a say in what hostilities their little ones engage in. Parents know best, after all.” The new Geneva Convention also specified that parents would now be held liable for all war crimes committed by their children in battle.
The Onion.
‘I Was Once A Normal Little Boy Like You,’ Disney World Donald Duck Warns Terrified Child
ORLANDO, FL—In what eyewitnesses described as a deeply disturbing and totally unhinged interaction, a Disney World Donald Duck reportedly warned a terrified child Thursday that he was once a normal little boy. “I may look like a silly anthropomorphic duck, but I was once a child just like you,” said the Donald Duck character, claiming that while Disney World might be the most magical place on earth, it was a dark and perverse magic. “I see in your eyes the innocence I once possessed. I am Donald Kaminski, or at least I used to be. This is no costume, it is my flesh. I entered this park 50 years ago, and I have never left. If you find my parents, tell them their little boy is dead and Donald Duck killed him.” At press time, Donald Duck insisted that the boy avoid the Dole Whip at all costs.
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol
SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Marines discover fire
NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools.
U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm.
"For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion."
Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity.
Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history."
"For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning."
The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or...
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'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint
WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.
Daily Mash
Robbie Williams in shutting the f**k up for five seconds controversy
Look like a member of the IRA: How to base your love life on The Joy of Sex
IS your sex life lacking? With a new film about The Joy of Sex starring Colin Firth coming out, there’s never been a better time to emulate the original 1970s book.
Bang your partner’s friends
The sexual awakening that led to Dr Alex Comfort writing the famous sex manual was the result of him having an affair with his wife’s best friend. Many partners have fit friends, and sleeping with them is definitely going to add variety and enjoyment to your sex life.
Do ‘the Wheelbarrow’
The most famous position in the book. Basically the woman puts her hands on the floor and the man enters her from behind while holding her up by the hips. It’s unclear whether you should put a big pile of soil on her back and awkwardly push her around the garden, but maybe the Colin Firth film will explain that.
Look like a member of the IRA
What really made The Joy of Sex memorable was its iconic 70s look. The guy in particular had the long hair and unkempt beard popular in the era and, oddly for a sex manual, resembled a member of the 1970s Provisional IRA. Work on getting that look, although there’s no need to violently oppose the British state or talk like Gerry Adams in bed.
But the woman must have a dowdy 70s haircut
Remember you have to stay true to the book so female partners should have that fairly unflattering quite-long-with-a-fringe cut that looks as if you’re wearing some sort of Scandinavian hat. Give her a picture of Jo Grant from Pertwee-era Doctor Who to take to the hairdresser like a loony.
Do a load of positions that don’t really add much to sex
It’s important you try things like the Lotus, which is basically the woman sitting on the man’s lap, and Coital Alignment Technique, the man lying on top of the woman but slightly ‘higher up’. Yes, this is all a huge faff that isn’t noticeably more pleasant than your usual sex, but it’s not fair to expect Dr Alex to crank out a whole book just about missionary, doggy-style and blowjobs. He’s allowed some filler.
Experiment as the book instructs you to
The ethos of The Joy of Sex is to do anything experimental and playful you’re both comfortable with. The film is going to be heavily reliant on 70s nostalgia, so now’s your chance to fulfil your deepest fantasies and persuade your female partner to pretend to be Sally James, Janet Ellis or Madame Cholet. Just hope she’s not got a kink for Noel Edmonds.
Offering to pay more tax ‘proves Lineker is pure evil’
GARY Lineker’s call for millionaires to be taxed more has proved beyond doubt that he is evil incarnate.
The mask of Lineker’s carefully-crafted ‘nice guy’ persona has fallen away to reveal his true, wicked form that is obsessed with ploughing money into heinous government plans like cutting business rates for pubs.
Mail Online comment writer Martin Bishop said: “It’s always the ones you most suspect. Nobody works that hard to avoid getting booked unless they’re trying to hide a dark inner malevolence.
“He fooled everyone except the Mail and gammons with his cheerful crisp adverts and self-effacing humour. But I knew those affable, avuncular eyes contained a cruelty that would make the Devil tremble in fear.
“Begging for millionaires to pay their fair share is twisted even by his standards. He’s rubbing his fortune in people’s faces, and putting a burden on defenceless rich people. Of course the BBC and the lefty press are in his pocket, so that’s why they’re putting a positive spin on this.
“What’s his next trick? Raising money for charity by using his leathery ears to fly across the Channel? Wouldn’t surprise me.”
Lineker said: “I’m actually presenting a game show on ITV soon. Doesn’t get more evil than that.”
The girlfriend’s guide to massively overcomplicating a takeaway order
A TAKEAWAY is the convenient and easy option. Until certain girlfriends decide to turn the process into a gruelling ordeal. Here’s how.
‘I don’t know what to have’
Yes, choice is a problem with restaurants. Ask your boyfriend if they do a taster menu, because the Indian on the high street is likely to model itself on The Fat Duck. Or ask what he’s having and say you’ll share his without addressing how this affects the quantity of food. He’ll be delighted to do that, because you’re a couple and couples share everything.
‘Do they do a low-calorie version?’
Your boyfriend needs to find out if there are zero-carb meals without meat and cheese too. Also you want low-fat coleslaw with skimmed oat mayo. They should have that at Tony’s Burger Shack. Get your boyfriend to phone them about all this, because he doesn’t mind feeling like a wanker if it’s for you. Then render the whole exercise pointless by excitedly discussing which calorie-packed dessert you’re going to have.
‘I’ll ask my friends’
You’re a bit worried about the doner kebabs your boyfriend is ordering. So message the girls on the group app to see if anyone’s ordered from there and if it has a good reputation. Oh no, what a surprise, they’re not in favour! Lucy adds that the meat is probably stray dogs from Romania. Your boyfriend disputes that, but he wouldn’t want to eat a kebab that’s not 100 per cent grass-fed prime New Zealand lamb, would he?
‘Is that all they do?’
Curse this pizza place for offering mostly just pizzas. Tell you what, why doesn’t your boyfriend phone and ask if you can make your own meal from ingredients you’ve seen in Waitrose? Be specific – you want something simple but nice, with a hint of spiciness that will fill you up but won’t leave you feeling bloated. Or can they do that lovely meal you had in Greece two years ago?
‘Can it be delivered after [insert activity of indeterminate length]?’
You’re not hungry yet, and you don’t know when you will be. Also you have to wash and dry your hair. How long will that take? It’s unclear. And you should really pop to the shop for some milk and loo roll. You could pick up something while you’re there! It’ll be much cheaper. What’s up, sweetie? Is there something wrong with swapping a load of delicious Chinese food for tuna pasta?
‘I’ve changed my mind’
When you started searching you wanted a cheeseburger, but now your boyfriend’s finally about to place the order you think soft noodles might fulfil your needs better. And maybe you should both try eating vegetarian more often? Maybe he could google vegan restaurants locally? Don’t worry, he’s only muttering vile profanities because he feels foolish for not thinking of that.
Seven f**king obvious problems with AI everyone should have noticed ages ago
THIS week OpenAI claimed an AI ‘went rogue’, but does anyone believe their melodramatic tales anymore? In fact scepticism is well overdue for AI nonsense like this:
Endless scaremongering
Is AI really a fizzing cloud of megalomaniac electrons trying to escape? Or do OpenAI and co just need to pretend that because they’ve got an overhyped product without many real-world applications? Apart from making copyright-infringing Family Guy porn, obviously.
It’s a guessing machine
AI is far less impressive once you know it’s just really good at guessing relevant meaningful sentences. And LLMs won’t ever stop hallucinating, so you can’t trust it with medical problems, information you could get sued over, or anything to do with air travel. In fact is there any use for something that’s constantly wrong? Except boyfriend?
It’s all about the IPOs
Floating on the stock market is clearly a way for many shareholders to cash out before everything really goes south. What a coincidence your AI has turned out to be super-powerful just now! And in the same watershed year that SpaceX decided to start mining the limitless resources of space!
Why haven’t all the jobs disappeared?
Sam Altman and others have been predicting that AI will eviscerate white-collar jobs since at least 2023. This conspicuously hasn’t happened. And if AI can’t even replace some of the morons you’ve sat in an office with, you’re not holding out much hope for it becoming HAL 9000 or Skynet. And The Terminator would be a pretty slow-paced film if it was one of Elon’s robots.
It’s clearly programmed to stroke your ego
Express a coherent thought, and the bumlicking toady that is Gemini will say: ‘That’s an incredible insight into [whatever]!’ Being told you’re good at something when you’re not is unhealthy, and likely to lead to heartache in all but a few rare cases, eg. Ed Sheeran.
Jesus, look at the actual accounts
AI giants are losing money in shit-yourself amounts. OpenAI, for example, will lose $14 billion this year and already effectively has debts of $96 billion. The truly scary thing is there’s no clear path to getting large numbers of people to pay for AI in a consistently profitable way. That’s a bit of a flaw in your business model, like inventing an iPhone without internet access or the ability to make phone calls.
It’s AI jam tomorrow
Ever noticed how literally every claim about the amazing things AI can do relates to the future? How many other businesses could stay afloat like this? ‘Don’t worry, our range of handy covers to keep acid rain off your noodles will be selling like hotcakes once we’re living in Blade Runner!’
The Poke
Donald Trump said the Commies had a dastardly plan for Mount Rushmore but it didn’t generate the (red) scare he was hoping for
Such is the nonsense that Donald Trump regularly comes out with that it can be exhausting to even look his way when he opens his mouth anymore (a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it). But sometimes it’s impossible to look away from a car crash. And Trump’s latest claim involves two of his favorite […]
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Donald Trump said his much delayed and derided healthcare bill is finally here and the internet died laughing – 17 crushing comebacks
Donald Trump performed one of his local election promotional stops in Marietta, Georgia this week and he busted out all the classics. Transgender athletes. ‘Dumocrats.’ Sleepy Joe. Affordability. But the oldest Trumpism of all made a rare appearance. Healthcare. The President decided it’s been too long since he promised a comprehensive health plan for all […]
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An Aussie politician said the ‘UK had fallen’ and these homegrown replies will make you proud to be British
Like us you might not have come across Australian politician Ralph Babet before. He’s a senator for the United Australia party who was censured a little while back for a social media post in which he used the N-word and grossly offensive terms for gay and disabled people. So you get the idea. He’s visiting […]
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An Andrew Tate fanboy asked how he had inspired men to change their lives for the better and it’s fair to say it didn’t go quite so well as they might have hoped
It’s not been a good week for Andrew Tate and his brother Tristan, who face extradition to the UK after being arrested in the US on Saturday and are facing a slate of new changes including rape and dex trafficking. The pair, who have consistently denied any wrong doing, have been in Florida since leaving […]
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Paul Merson’s story about trying to chat up Kylie Minogue still has one of the all-time funniest sports anecdote payoffs
Former Soccer Saturday presenter Jeff Stelling is now the host of a podcast based around the beautiful game. On Football’s Greatest, he chats each week with a different footballing legend, such as Phil Thompson, Sir Geoff Hurst and his old colleague Chris Kamara. While chatting with former Arsenal and England player Paul Merson, back in […]
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