SAN ANSELMO, CA—Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee’s success, Star Wars creator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. “Hey man, I know it’s been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I’m really proud of you,” said Lucas, who noted that an ad he had recently seen for Star Wars: Maul—Shadow Lord had brought back great memories of their time working together on Tatooine. “I knew you had something special from the time you apprenticed for Darth Sidious way back in the ’90s, so it’s great to see you  finally making it big. People didn’t think that a red and black guy with a bunch of horns all over his head could headline an animated series, or that the double-sided lightsaber thing would ever take off, but you showed them! And hey—if you ever get a break from show business, I’d love to host you and Elizabeth here at our place soon.” At press time, sources confirmed Maul was calling out Lucas for not even checking in on him once after he was cut in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The post George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn’t believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. “It’s honestly insane—you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, even if you grab the flavored ones,” said the first-year outfielder, shaking his head in disbelief as he stuffed several fistfuls of ranch-flavored seeds into his uniform pockets and marveled that “these would’ve cost six or seven bucks at the gas station.” “Back in the minors, if you wanted sunflower seeds, that was your problem. Here, they’ve got boxes of them just sitting out like some kind of king’s banquet. Every day, I still find myself asking, ‘You sure these are for us? You sure I don’t have to pay anyone?’ But we don’t have to pay a cent. I’m truly living the dream.” According to sources, Benge’s awe at the perks of major league life was tempered somewhat after he received a $130 clubhouse invoice for the Gatorade he drank last month.

The post MLB Rookie Still Can’t Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free appeared first on The Onion.

More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. 

PRO

Phone finally gets some alone time

Get to give full attention to jumbotron screen 

Brings back thousands of professional bootlegger jobs

Plenty of other ways to make not-invited friend feel excluded

Need both hands for Nintendo Switch anyway

CON

History affords us but one chance to document May 29’s Beach Boys concert at Atlantic City’s Hard Rock Hotel and Casino from the specific viewing angle of Section 206, Row O, Seat 8 

Might miss an important ad

Somehow becomes reason for Ticketmaster to charge more

Checking TikTok only way to get the shaking to stop

“Dani California” doesn’t hit as hard without Google Maps pulled up

The post Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts appeared first on The Onion.

INDIO, CA—Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly rushed overly lucid 23-year-old Zach Hillman into an emergency psychedelics tent Friday. “Thank God for the good Samaritans who alerted us as soon as they noticed him standing up straight and watching the musicians perform—this could have gotten ugly fast,” said EMT Jordan Keeley, who ushered the excessively conscious Hillman through the beaded curtains of one of many hallucinogen aid centers strategically stationed across the festival grounds to administer patients urgent doses of psilocybin, acid, and DMT. “Holy shit, he’s making coherent small talk! I’m gonna need 10 cc’s of toad venom, stat—let’s get his blood pressure way up. Quick! Before Moby goes on!” At press time, Coachella medical staff were shouting, “Fuck, we’re losing him!” as Hillman stated that it was great to meet everyone, but it was time for him to go hydrate and reapply his sunscreen.

The post Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation’s women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that “it’s yours.” “Our little blessing is due in October,” the chorus of approximately 78 million women of reproductive age said in perfect unison, each gently placing a hand on her abdomen to call attention to the tiny baby bump just beginning to form. “Isn’t it wonderful? You’re going to be such a great dad!” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s women had begun mentioning different names they liked and detailing plans to turn the spare room into a nursery. 

The post Nation’s Women: ‘We’re Pregnant!’ appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC — Advertisements popped up all across the city this week for a local speakeasy, The Hush Room, modeled as a completely discreet and hidden Prohibition-era bar that no one knows about.

LAKE JACKSON, TX — After nearly nine days without a fully functioning toilet, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission changed course from splashing down off the coast of California and instead headed straight for a Buc-ee's.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation concerned about becoming involved in another never-ending conflict, President Trump assured Americans that U.S. troops would only remain deployed until the Middle East was at peace.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The San Francisco Giants unveiled their new City Connect jerseys today with a nod to the feces makes the city so unique.

If you haven't heard, Canada has officially dropped a new acronym for the LGBT movement with many, many new additions. The LGBT community in Canada is now:

Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision: 

1. Men deal with emergencies better

While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could. 

2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away

Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call. 

3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of

My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call. 

4. She probably wouldn’t want to know

My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it. 

5. She might be busy

Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time. 

6. I don’t know her phone number 

Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.

For generations, Star Wars fans have been absolutely certain that licking Jabba The Hutt would induce an intense psychedelic experience akin to taking several tabs of highly potent LSD or ingesting the toxic skin of the Sonoran Desert toad. Unfortunately, that illusion has just been shattered after a heartbreaking update from the franchise creator himself: George Lucas has revealed that you would have to lick Jabba The Hutt over 100 times to get any sort of buzz whatsoever.

Absolutely devastating. Anyone whose Star Wars fandom was based on the idea that Jabba’s slime would get them high no longer has any reason to live.

In a lengthy Instagram post titled “My Truth About Jabba (Coming Clean About The Hutt: NO REGRETS: JUST GUILT AND ANGER),” George Lucas explained to Star Wars fans that even though Jabba looks like you would only have to lick him a tiny bit to trip balls for a thousand years, in reality the toxic slime that covers his body is incredibly weak and would require a massive dose to induce even mild intoxication.

“It brings me great shame and rage to share with you people that you’d basically have to give Jabba a tongue bath from stem to stern and just strip all the poison slime off of that fucker just to feel the equivalent of a single beer,” Lucas wrote in his post, which has already caused legions of longtime Star Wars fans to renounce the franchise entirely. “I’m as heartbroken as you are, but if you have a problem with this you should blame the Disney Corporation for forcing Jabba to wash his slime, and you should also blame the Hutts as a species for evolving wrong.”

Dang. There’s no way to sugarcoat this: This is a major tragedy for anyone who has ever enjoyed Star Wars.

As if Lucas’s admission that licking Jabba barely induces any hallucinations weren’t devastating enough, the Star Wars creator’s post also explained that Jabba’s slime “barely has any flavor” and “tastes kind of like grape jelly even though he is green and should taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers.” He also claimed that if you roasted Jabba over an open flame, he would “taste like a tire.” For millions of Star Wars lovers worldwide who had dreamed of getting high by licking Jabba’s slime and then eating his meat, this revelation has caused a massive wave of despair.

It’s official: This is the worst Star Wars news of all time. While there are some pockets of the fandom who are desperately trying to assert that this isn’t canon, the Disney Corporation has issued an official statement affirming that “everything George Lucas says about Jabba’s psychotropic properties is absolute truth.” There’s simply no way around it: licking Jabba barely gets you high and nothing is good anymore!

Trump’s Justice Department is already facing heated scrutiny for mishandling the Epstein Files, but this may just be their most inept move yet: The DOJ has added a dating section to the Epstein Files where the people implicated in them can flirt with each other. 

Yikes…if the DOJ is hoping to regain public trust, they’re not doing themselves any favors with this one.

In a press conference this morning, Acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche announced the debut of EpSeek, a dating section on the DOJ website’s Epstein Library that anyone compromised in Jeffrey Epstein’s email correspondences can use to connect with other Epstein conspirators and criminal accessories interested in flirting online. EpSeek is a referral-based dating platform, meaning users must be referred to the Justice Department by active EpSeek members in order to start an account. Once the DOJ confirms a referral’s implication in the Epstein Files, they’re approved to create an EpSeek profile, where they can set their flirting preferences (ranging from ‘Looking To Flirt Just A Little’ all the way to ‘Looking To Flirt Hard’), and start swiping for matches. 

Blanche was swiftly grilled by White House press as to what purpose the matchmaking tool served in the Epstein investigation, and how it would help Epstein’s human trafficking and sex crime victims seek justice, but Trump’s Acting AG staunchly defended EpSeek as “an exclusive platform for casual, chat-only flirting between both redacted and unredacted friends and accomplices of convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.”

“There is nothing criminal about flirting online, or wanting to flirt with other people who have ‘being namedropped in the Epstein Files’ in common with you,” explained Blanche. “To anyone concerned about EpSeek’s function in the DOJ’s investigation, ask yourself this: would you rather see people named in the Epstein Files flirting with the general public on Hinge, OKCupid, or Grindr? EpSeek is just more proof that America is a safer and flirtier country under President Trump.”

What the hell is the DOJ thinking?! We have a feeling EpSeek is going to age like milk.

Todd Blanche is right that there’s nothing criminal about flirting, but there is definitely something criminal about profiting from or participating in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking network, and it shouldn’t be rewarded with a dating platform funded by tax payer dollars. Well, needless to say, President Trump has made a complete and utter mess of the DOJ. Ugh.

Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.

Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!

At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).

“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”

Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.

Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!

In 2014, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared without a trace. The world’s been waiting for answers ever since. Now, investigators are closer to uncovering the mystery than ever before, after discovering the official black box audio from MH370.

Malaysian authorities have given ClickHole exclusive rights to this newly uncovered cockpit recording, which you can listen to below, and draw your own conclusions about what happened aboard that fatal flight.

Fair warning, listening to these pilots’ final moments on MH370 is absolutely chilling.

ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.

“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”

According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.

“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”

After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.

“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”

The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”

WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.

“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.

Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”

At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.

“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.

“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”

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Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”

TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.

“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”

The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”

“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”

Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.

“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”

“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”

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The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.

“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”

Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.

“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."

At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.

“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."

The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.

“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”

WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.

“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."

According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, Director of Naval History and Heritage Command, the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits.

“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”

Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”

“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”

The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”

“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”

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The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.

“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”

"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”

Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.

“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement.

“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.”

Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate.

“Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. It was definitely a war.”

The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders.

“They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.”

According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “all the oil I could ever want.”

“It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it."

The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude.

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“He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’”

Trump added that the Iranian leader told him the country was “totally honored" since "they couldn't have had a better opponent.”

White House officials said the peace breakthrough came after Iran concluded it could not hope to compete with what one aide called “America’s elite military execution and its ability to counter every foreseeable Iranian action.”

In Tehran, Iranian officials offered a somewhat different version of events, though they did confirm they were deeply affected by the scale of recent U.S. action.

“We were astonished,” one official said. “Not just militarily, but emotionally. We felt the only honorable course was to surrender completely and also provide extra concessions as a gesture of appreciation.”

The official added Iran agreed to “a little more than the Americans even asked for” because the president taught them “so much about true leadership,” including “how to make Iran great again.”

Pentagon officials declined to provide details on the agreement but confirmed the administration considers the matter resolved.

At press time, Trump was already suggesting the peace deal qualifies him for at least three Nobels and an additional FIFA Peace Prize.

A CAMERAMAN faces legal action after failing to make a wedding look better than it actually was.

Professional videographer Martin Bishop was paid to document Louise Malley’s seemingly endless celebrations at an Oxfordshire country house.

But when the bride and her husband Stephen received the 90-minute tape, it contained only a depressingly accurate portrayal of an event that was enjoyed solely by the bride and the bride’s grandmother.

Mrs Malley said: “The video just makes it look like a lot of uncomfortable people in an overpriced room doing something they’d rather not.

“All I wanted was for it to look like the single most amazingly magical, fairy-dust sprinkled event in recorded human history and for my arse to look small.

“I’ll have the fucker’s house for this.”

However Bishop said: “There is a clause in my contract that clearly states you cannot polish a turd. Most of these things are on a sliding scale between grinding mediocrity and stab-yourself-in-the-heart-with-a-fork tedium.

“Perhaps next time Mrs Malley gets married she won’t spunk all the money on a venue she can’t afford and then expect a hundred people to share a dozen bottles of antiseptic-grade white wine?”

He added: “Experts agree that the secret to a magical celebration of everlasting love is a shit ton of free booze. And skip the disco as well. Load of piss.”

THE First Lady has revealed that it was her own incredible good fortune that led her to the dreamboat that is Donald Trump.

During her address to the White House yesterday, Melania Trump revealed that Jeffrey Epstein had nothing to do with the miraculous series of coincidences that connected her to her charming, handsome husband.

She said: “The malicious rumour that Epstein introduced us needs to stop. You’re clearly all just jealous that the president loves me and not you.

“I cannot blame you for being envious. Who would not want a man who is comfortable enough to wear an adult diaper over his mushroom penis at all times? He is a catch and I am luckiest girl in the world.

“While you stay up late swiping right, I lie in my big gold bed in a separate room to the love of my life. Sometimes I laugh myself to sleep wondering what I did to deserve him, especially when I see him posting his adorable insane rants on Truth Social.

“I thought I set record straight about how I met Donald in my movie, which you all watched and went crazy for. It was a classic case of horny businessman helps glamorous model get work. Tale as old as time, no paedo involved.”

She added: “Now that cleared up please go back to forgetting Epstein files. Think of much happier peace in Middle East instead.”

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

Emma Bradford felt her clean and declutter should not involve getting rid of any of her own possessions, and she would instead do partner Tom Logan a huge favour by binning most of his ‘old rubbish’.

Bradford said: “The flat’s turning into a tip so I decided to have a sort-out while Tom was at work. 

“Obviously my old psychology textbooks from uni are staying, plus childhood storybooks which hold so many memories, and a few other essentials. Is having four make-up bags excessive? Does he want me to stay young-looking and attractive? There’s your answer.

“Tom, on the other hand, really doesn’t need three guitars – he can only ever play one at a time – and he’s surely outgrown that bloody PlayStation now he’s 35. Ditto all those CDs and DVDs of his.

“I hope he’ll be pleased when he gets home from work and sees I’ve transformed the place. Although there’ll still be no space in the wardrobe for his clothes.”

Logan said: “Emma said she’s having a spring clean on her day off today, bless her. She’ll have fun swishing a duster round and hoovering under the bed.

“She can finally get round to chucking out some of her shit that’s cluttering the place up. So long as she’s careful cleaning around my Gibson Custom 1957 Les Paul and doesn’t rearrange my Grand Theft Auto games in the wrong order that will be great.”

ARE you feeling suitably outraged about the bastards at Waitrose who sacked a staff member who took on a scumbag shoplifter? If not you could be missing out, so here’s what to do.

Be sure to say ‘You could not make it up’

Sacking someone for tackling a shoplifter is clearly lunacy of the most deranged kind, so definitely use the worn-out cliché made ubiquitous by Richard Littlejohn: ‘You could not make it up!’ You’ll sound both perceptive and incredibly witty. To morons.

Do not look at both sides

It’s not unreasonable for supermarkets to have strict rules about dealing with shoplifters, even if it’s largely about avoiding legal action, and that staff should adhere to them when explicitly instructed to. And what if the Waitrose employee had been injured, or perhaps even stabbed? Do not in any way consider these alternative viewpoints. It spoils the fun.

Bask in sanctimonious anger

Being sacked for trying to stop a crime is, at a basic level, pretty unjust. Which means you can enjoy the buzz of being both furious and in the right as you rant about the sickening mistreatment of this heroic Waitrose martyr whose name you forget. 

Weirdly make it into a class issue

Fellow supermarket Iceland quickly stepped in with a job offer for the sacked employee, Walker Smith. Clearly this is about the middle-class ponces who run Waitrose and shop there sneering at decent working-class people, while the authentically proletarian frozen food giant Iceland has their backs. It’s definitely not just a bit of good publicity.

Join in right-wing newspaper comments

The Mail, Express and Telegraph’s comments are seething pits of fury about the Waitrose One, and it’s exciting to join a mob, even just an online one. Of course it suits these newspapers for people to think Britain is a woke, lawless hellhole as it makes them vote Conservative or Reform. You could consider whether you’re being subtly manipulated, but you’re too busy typing ‘BRING BACK HNANGIG, NIGEL!!!!!!’

Firmly believe this is everything wrong with modern Britain

It is! Shoplifters running amok, no respect for authority, you never see a bobby on the beat, cat litter trays in schools, young people too soft for D-Day… the list goes on. Obviously an isolated case of someone being sacked for breaking clear company rules doesn’t prove any of this, but it’s more gratifying to feel Britain is doomed and you’re one of the few people clever enough to see it. 

Abruptly move on to the next confected outrage

After droning on to anyone who’ll listen and boring for England down the pub, suddenly forget about poor Mr Smith when you find a new grievance. Perhaps there’s an unmarried mother in the Mail who has the sheer f**king nerve to go on holiday despite claiming benefits? Yes, of course there is! You’re starting to get the red mist again! Lovely!

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