Top Songs May 2026

.has-no-column-gap { gap: 0 !important; align-items: unset !important } .is-column-large { flex: 3 } .is-column-small { flex: 1 } .is-height-auto { height: auto; } .is-full-height-image img { height: 100%; object-fit: cover; width: 100%; } .single-post-content p.theonion-dingbat:after {display: none !important } 1 I DO NOT GIVE YOU CONSENT TO LISTEN TO THIS Chappell Roan 2 WE SAW THE FACE OF DEATH BTS 3 Pulling The Plug On My Brain-Dead Boyfriend Sabrina Carpenter 4 Hats BOB DYLAN 5 Towards A Syncretic Monotheism Jelly Roll 6 Pivoting To A New Fictional Alien Race Called Grxänthyrnyn Ariana Grande 7 Stream This Or I’ll Make Another TV Show THE WEEKEND 8 Thinkin’ ’Bout Changin’ My Last Name To Smith Tucker Wetmore 9 Music Song Katseye 10 The Great Big Parade Through Polishtown (Remastered) Shirley Temple 11 Theme For ‘Dr. Pimple Popper’ Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross 12 Go Ahead And Use This One For Free, Cheez-Its Dua Lipa 13 I Had That Dream Where My Penis Falls Off Again Justin Bieber 14 Listening To This Will Not Make It 2011 Again ROBYN 15 Piano Man 2 BILLY JOEL 16 I’m Alive And I Need Money For Surgery Elvis Presley 17 When The Minions Show Their Butts (I Laugh And Laugh) POST MALONE 18 Troy Likes Kira But Kira Likes Mark GRACIE ABRAMS 19 Magic Ice Cream Truck Ringo Starr 20 I Figured Out Where The Band-Aids Should Go NELLY The Onion.

Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg’s Memories

MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing frustration about the frequent error hampering the overall user experience, Meta Glasses wearers worldwide confirmed Friday encountering a bug where they are able to see Mark Zuckerberg’s memories. “I was filming video of my road trip with my Meta Oakleys and all of a sudden I’m seeing the POV of someone throwing up their first beer in the bathroom of a New England prep school—it’s a good thing I wasn’t driving at the time or it could have been dangerous,” said user Melanie Henderson, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of consumers who noted a persistent glitch where intimate personal events from the Meta founder’s life would flash across the glasses without warning. “I’ll be in the middle of a run or just doing work around the house and the glasses will seem to be functioning normally but then, bam, I’m watching a pair of twins threaten me for stealing their company idea or witnessing Congress raking me over the coals for lying about child safety risks. It’s really disorienting. I’ve tried everything: turning them off and back on again, updating the software, fiddling with the batteries. Sometimes it seems to work but then I’ll be, like, why does my husband look like a frowning Priscilla Chan shaking her head in disappointment? And I’ll realize the glasses are totally glitching out again. You expect a less buggy product from such a huge tech company.” When reached for comment, Meta promised to resolve the glitch as soon as possible as well as a bug that causes the glasses’ speakers to constantly emit the sound of sobbing. The Onion.

Europeans Announce There Nothing Anyone Can Do To Make Them Stop Loving Michael Jackson

PARIS—Steadfast in their devotion to the treasured cultural keystone of their community, the roughly 743.5 million residents of Europe gathered Friday to announce that there’s nothing anyone can do to make them stop loving Michael Jackson. “You may try to break down our resolve with accusations that he engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors, but our love of Michael Jackson, Le Roi de la Pop, remains unwavering,” said European representative Stefan Barbeaux, making clear their commitment to the late pop music superstar regardless of any and all improprieties and scandals associated with the singer including but not limited to credible accusations of child sexual abuse. “Age of consent laws are different here, and it’s not strange to us that he had a pet chimp. No matter what, we will continue to blast ‘Human Nature’ DJ mixes in our discothèques. Our loyalty is unshakeable; we still like Roman Polanski, and he didn’t even write ‘Thriller.’” At press time, Barbeaux stated that he remains optimistic about intercontinental relations between Europe and The Land Of Michael Jackson.  The Onion.

Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking

The Onion.

Artist Profile: Kacey Musgraves

Kacey Musgraves has released Middle Of Nowhere, her seventh studio album. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the country star.  Genre: Sonically conservative, lyrically liberal Twangitude: 2.5 Glen Campbells How She Was Discovered In Nashville: Abandoned by bachelorette party Awards And Achievements: 4 Grammys turned into bongs  Hair: Purebred Friesian Biggest Rival: Sandy Cheeks Holiday Albums: A Very Kacey Christmas, A High Horse Halloween, A Yeehaw Yom Kippur Most Frequent Collaborator: Indica Controversies: Selling non-size-inclusive dog bandanas Why She Performs Barefoot: Keeps leaving shoes at bowling alley The Onion.

Newsom Designates California Sanctuary State For Fraud

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom signed legislation on Friday officially designating California a sanctuary state for fraud.

10 Consequences Of Harambe's Death

Ten years ago, this world lost one of its greatest heroes: Harambe, the gorilla. Friend to many and beloved by all, the loss of Harambe left a gaping hole that changed the course of history.

James Talarico Taking 'Not Acting Gay' Lessons from Tim Walz

AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him "not acting gay" lessons.

Google Searches For Military School Skyrocket Ten Minutes Into Summer Vacation

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Search engine giant Google released data this week showing that searches for "military schools near me" skyrocketed about ten minutes into the first day of summer vacation.

Elizabeth Warren Vows New Tax On Puppies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a dramatic change to the U.S. tax code that would apply an additional 90% tax rate on puppies.

Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There

Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there. Now that’s how you bond!! Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.  Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all. However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.  Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been. Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.

Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable

Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable. YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it! In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.  The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.  Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months. “The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.” And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands! Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!

About Time: The DMV Has Announced That Driver Licenses Will Now Have A Box To Check To Consent To An Image Of Your Mangled Corpse Being Used On A Death Metal Album Cover In The Event You Die In A Car Accident

Whether you’re a metal fan or just someone who’d like a cool way to be memorialized after you’re nothing more than a shredded mass of guts and flesh, you’re going to want to see this: The DMV has announced that driver licenses will now have a box to check to consent to an image of your mangled corpse being used on a death metal album cover in the event you die in a car accident.  Hell yeah! There’s no higher honor for a metal lover than to have half of your still-smiling head appear alongside the indecipherable logo of a band that sings about necrophilia and cannibalism.  Next to the organ donor box, all licenses will now have an additional box you can check that reads, “In the event of an accident, I consent to my awesome-looking, gory corpse being used on album covers, posters, and t-shirts for the heaviest, sickest bands around*. *No poser shit.” “We love using the most repulsive, disturbing photos imaginable on our album covers to give listeners an idea of the harrowing, corpse-reeking death metal they are about to hear,” explained Pissgrave vocalist and guitarist Demian Fenton. “But we’ve always been concerned about using real gore photos without the consent of the rotting, burned, torn-up corpses on our covers. With the DMV’s new policy, we can finally source artwork that’s not only vomit-inducing and completely putrid, but also ethical.” Even cooler, drivers who check both the organ donor and metal album art consent forms may even have their body parts used as stage props for metal bands’ photoshoots or live shows. So if you’ve always dreamed of having your lungs hanging from a mic stand while Devourment plays a ripping set, all you have to do is check a box on your license and hope you get t-boned by a cement truck sometime soon! Hell yeah! What a cool way for the DMV to let drivers support the arts in death!

Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS

One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS. Dang. CVS is really not messing around. Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations. “We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.” Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS! In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years. In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.” Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!

Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery

One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery! Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened! The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug. If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors. Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace. Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula! “At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.” Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!

Parents of pretentious teen wish he’d get into beer and football

THE parents of a teenager who opines on Bertolt Brecht and Brutalist buildings wish he would drink cider and vomit at bus stops like his peers.  Martin and Sue Cook hoped their 15-year-old son Julian, who refuses to be referred to as ‘Jules’, was only going through a phase when he began blasting Shostakovich’s 7th through his speakers while ostentatiously flicking through books about Kandinsky. Sue said: “We were prepared for vaping. We weren’t prepared for him wearing a black – sorry, charcoal – turtleneck while lecturing us on power structures in colonialist literature. “When we worried about him mixing with the wrong crowd, we didn’t think it would be the attendees at a seminar on Composing Sonic Futures at the Barbican. We blame ourselves for calling him Julian. “He downs a double espresso before school. He calls football ‘bread and circuses to pacify the proletariat’. He’s 15. He should be unconscious in a hedge, not telling the neighbours that their hedge is an outdated expression of English class anxiety. “He scoffed at a man wearing Stone Island on the bus for ‘performing masculinity through consumer branding’ which is risky when he’s built like a bookmark. “I was cleaning his room when I felt something under the mattress. It was Susan Sontag’s Against Interpretation. Annotated. Colour-coded tabs. I sat on the bed and wept. You hear about this stuff as a parent, but never think it’ll happen to you.” Jules said: “Mum and Dad have suggested a lads’ holiday with my friends. A Bauhaus walking tour in Berlin beckons.”

We ask you: Which deeply exploitative reality show are you pretending it’s ethical to watch?

MARRIED At First Sight has shocked viewers by horribly and openly exploiting participants. Which reality show are you convincing yourself it’s okay to watch instead?  Eleanor Shaw, conveyancer: “My Death Row Serial Killer Convict Wedding Execution Heartbreak on UKShit. It’s really sad because they’re so in love.” Nikki Hollis, boutique wholesaler: “I watch vintage Jeremy Kyle from its 2005-2015 heyday. Because all those poor, deprived, damaged council estate scrotes are long, long dead.” Hannah Tomlinson, nursery nurse: “To make sure there’s no genuine suffering, I only watch the fakest of the fake. Currently that’s Beauty and the Geek Netherlands and The Real Housewives of Cheshire.” Will McKay, tractor photographer: “This BBC one where actors who dreamed of better are trapped for life in a nightmarish, nonsensical landscape of unexplained pregnancies and motiveless serial killers. EastEnders, it’s called.” Roy Hobbs, slaughterhouse inspector: “The ultimate in exploitative reality TV. OnlyFans. Weirdly my wife’s not into it.”

Arsenal prepare for Champions League final by crashing bus into wall

Why was Tom Hardy fired? Six scurrilous and verifiably untrue rumours

TOM Hardy has been dismissed from hit drama MobLand, which is on a channel you do not watch and have never heard of. But why? We make up the reasons:  Edging Helen Mirren Rumours say that Hardy made Mirren wait, but they don’t say what he made her wait for. Her fury arose from his tormenting her by keeping her on the very edge of orgasm before cruelly pulling back for up to eight hours a day, exhausting her 80-year-old body. And the same goes for Pierce Brosnan. Insisting on real executions Keen to add grit and reality to his performance, Hardy refused to perform mob executions unless bullets, victims and death were all unfeigned. “What’s the problem?” he reportedly asked the director. “There’s tons of people with nothing to live for who the world’s better off without. Need me to make a list?” Because MobLand doesn’t need a capital L in the middle of it Day after day, shoots were ruined because midway through Tom would break off from delivering dialogue to say “Look, it’s either two f**king words or it’s one f**king word. If we’re doing a f**king portmanteau then we need to f**king commit. Or put a space in. I can’t work like this. I’ll be in my trailer.” Always on MySpace Hardy loves MySpace (“It’s fine to have a capital S, it’s a f**king tech company”) where he had such a compelling social media presence, and still spends ten hours a day logged into it. On the rare occasion he finds another user on there all shooting is abandoned while they trade mp3s, customise backgrounds and rearrange their top eight friends. Confusion about which Tom he is All actors have a slender sense of self, and Tom was regularly found staring into mirrors saying “So, wait. I’m engaged to Zendaya?” “No, that’s Tom Holland.” “But I did previously date Taylor Swift?” “That was Tom Hiddleston.” “Tell me I was in The White Lotus. Don’t f**k me about here. I was in that.” “That… was Tom Hollander.” “WHO THE F**K AM I?” Demanding his character be more like Robbie Rotten from LazyTown Every morning there would be fresh script notes from Hardy, and every day they would point in the same direction. ‘Think maroon and purple striped suit for this scene?’, ‘Let’s add sequence where I eat junk food while watching TV’ and ‘Can we call make-up about artificial chin?’

Five weekend plans you shouldn’t share with your colleagues

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself: Passing out shitfaced Besides being too revealing, the fact that you’ll be drunkenly falling to the floor in a puddle of your own puke is a given. You might as well tell your coworkers you’ve got a fun weekend of breathing lined up. No need to explicitly admit you’re a lush, so just give a vague impression and say you’re meeting friends for a drink. They’ll fill in the rest with their imaginations. Gooning for 48 hours Kink shaming be damned, embarking on a two-day wankathon is disturbing in and of itself. Telling your colleagues about it will only make things worse as you’ll have to explain what gooning is to team members who aren’t as online or perverse. They always wondered if you were a tragic, sex-starved loser, but there’s no need to confirm their suspicions in graphic detail. Crying over the state of your life Just because you work in an open-plan office doesn’t mean you need to be open about your emotional wellbeing. So what if you’re going to spend Sunday evening curled up in the fetal position sobbing over the terrible choices that have led to your shit life? Everyone else does it; they just have the decency to talk about some tedious film they’re going to watch instead. Embarking on an affair Keep this to yourself to protect the health and safety of your colleagues. The most exciting discussions they have are about the printer’s ink levels and KPI forecasts, so telling them that you’re planning to sneak off to a Travelodge to shag your mate’s missus senseless will cause them to pass out from excitement. Instead fob them off with some bollocks about going for a roast. Spending quality time with your loving family Not everyone in your office is lucky enough to have found love and reproduced, you inconsiderate bastard. Donna from accounts will put on a brave face if you talk about these plans, but she’ll scurry off to the loo for a massive cry when you’re not looking. Just say you’re going to watch the football, nobody really gives a shit what you’re doing anyway.

‘What’s the worst thing you’ve ever woken up to?’ – 21 highly alarming things to experience first thing in the morning

Waking up to a blaring alarm in the morning is bad enough, but at least you can hit snooze and return to your peaceful slumber for another 10 minutes. However, if you wake up to something truly, genuinely awful, it’s another matter entirely. They’ve been discussing shocking wake ups on the AskReddit page after shoeee788 […] The Poke.

What screams ‘this person peaked in high school’? – 15 ways premature overachievers tell on themselves

Ah, high school – a beautiful, chaotic time where we find out about life, love, loss, and how hard it can be to find the right table to sit at for lunch in the cafeteria. Those of us who thrived in high school seemed to have it all. Those of us who weren’t as popular […] The Poke.

Fox News’ Jesse Watters went on a bizarre rant questioning a Democratic senate candidate’s ‘manliness’, and the projection could be seen from space

The Magas are getting scared. Texas, for so many years a safeground for the gun-toting and women-hating alt-right, looks like it might have a fight on its hands in the upcoming race for Senate. Liberal James Talarico has not been shy about sharing his views on gender-affirming care, immigration, energy, and religion. This has turned […] The Poke.

‘What is the worst thing you experienced on a first date?’ – 22 encounters that came with the biggest, reddest flags of all

First dates are nerve wracking affairs, and it’s easy to make a bit of a wally of yourself by saying or doing something a bit silly. However, there is a very big difference between ‘silly’ and ‘downright weird and/or creepy’. They’ve been discussing first encounters that ended up also being emphatically the last on the […] The Poke.

‘Which simple item is a masterpiece of ingenious engineering?’ – 21 everyday things that are being incredibly clever right under your nose

If you’d been told 30 years ago that as a society we’d become completely blasé about walking around with an incredibly powerful handheld computers in our pockets, your mind would have been blown. And rightly so. We’re living in an episode of Tomorrow’s World. But what about the thousands of smaller, more everyday, but still […] The Poke.