The Onion
Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It
DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. “Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly in the wild and push came to shove, they would be able to win the affection of the charging animal with nothing but their raw sex appeal,” said lead author Peter Wilmore, explaining that most study participants aged 18 to 65 admitted that it might not seem like they could slip into thigh-high stockings, throw on some cherry red lipstick, and charm the pants off of a North American brown bear, but they were nonetheless convinced that if it was absolutely necessary, they would be able to lure one of the large mammals into their embrace. “Despite any previous indication that they had any game whatsoever, these men insisted that a surge of adrenaline and a flash of their ‘just-fuck-me’ eyes would be all they would need to entice an enraged mother bear protecting her young to sleep with them.” Wilmore warned men to seek the help of park rangers when attempting to get a bear to come home with them and make love all night long.
The Onion.
Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry
A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think?
“I didn’t know hunting and gathering gigs included dental.”
Abel Stein, Peanut Sheller
“So that’s who dentists evolved from.”
Mitchell Laraway, Beard Stylist
“We should have guessed they had cavities from their gummy bear paintings.”
Imani Carpenter, Sidewalk Salter
The Onion.
Tips For Supporting Public Media
The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media.
Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale.
While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything.
If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to your local NPR member station.
Sign a petition that, who knows, might be the first one that matters.
Volunteer at your neighborhood’s local nasally voiced pedant shelter.
Get high and watch the Mac Miller Tiny Desk Concert again.
If you see a person wearing weird glasses in public, thank them for their work at NPR.
Don’t ignore the hand reaching out of Big Bird’s mouth and rattling a cup of loose change.
Be sure to say “What the fuck?” when it disappears.
The Onion.
Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed
HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the world’s horrific news stories they were discussing.
According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak these days and that something urgently needed to be done, despite the fact that each visualized completely separate problems and potential solutions to those problems. Reports indicated that while the friends did not actually discuss the same topic even once, they vigorously agreed that they’d never seen it this bad.
“I’m just so goddamn fed up with all this,” Gina Small, 29, said in a comment on the U.S. economy that one of her friends assumed was about the world’s ongoing humanitarian crises, another friend thought was about the weaponization of America’s military against its own people, and a third believed was about the sickness and death caused by the devaluing of medical science. “I honestly don’t know what we can do about it, but something’s gotta change.”
“And not tomorrow, but today,” added Small, her friends murmuring in assent as if their individual concerns were what was weighing heavily upon the entire group. “Soon it’ll be too late, if it isn’t already.”
The conversation is said to have progressed with each member of the group privately contemplating a totally different appalling situation while saying they were increasingly ashamed to be an American. Through their completely independent considerations of extrajudicial killings in international waters, the misery and starvation brought about by slashing foreign aid, the peril of isolation after abandoning crucial longstanding alliances, and the danger to global democracy posed by the coddling of fascist strongmen, the four friends separately came to the conclusion that they no longer even recognized this country.
“I have no idea what’s going to become of our personal freedoms,” said Kevin Aguilar, 30, whose statement referred to crackdowns on nonviolent protest but was interpreted by the others as addressing either threats to safe and legal abortion, the government-ordered censorship of college curricula, or the abuse of the justice system to target perceived ideological enemies. “And where are we without those? I just don’t know.”
Sources reported that Aguilar—the only one of the four friends reflecting on the potential of AI fakery to sow mistrust rather than the tendency of traditional media to champion artificial balance over truth, the alarming mainstreaming of once-fringe conspiracy theories, or the corrosive effect of social media silos on a shared understanding of reality—then wondered aloud if, in fact, it was even possible to know anything at all anymore.
For four very different reasons, the group then enthusiastically agreed that this shit was getting scary.
Later on, and without in any way referencing how gerrymandered states dilute the influence of individual voters, how powerful monied interests self-servingly manipulate government policy, or how voter suppression tactics compromise free and fair elections, Paul Krueger, 33, reportedly said, “But what the hell are we supposed to do when regular people have no voice in how things are run?” Sources later confirmed that Krueger had actually been thinking of how the antiquated Electoral College all but eliminated a majority of Americans from the presidential voting process, and that he had mistakenly believed his friends were thinking likewise.
Reports indicated that the closest the four friends came to aligning in their discussion was at the very end, when Aimee Levin, 28, said there was still a reason for hope despite everything going on, and the other three all privately thought she was fucking nuts.
The Onion.
What’s Our Health Insurance Denying?
The Onion.
ClickHole
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
‘I Come Bearing Gifts’: President Trump Kicked Off His Trip To China By Gifting President Xi Jinping A Copy Of Lena Dunham’s ‘Famesick’ That He Personally Translated To Mandarin
Trump’s Beijing visit this week is clouded by geopolitical tensions between the US and China, but that’s not stopping POTUS from making the ultimate diplomatic gesture: President Trump kicked off his trip to China by gifting President Xi Jinping a copy of Lena Dunham’s Famesick that he personally translated to Mandarin.
Say what you will about Trump, there’s no denying that’s a thoughtful gift!
President Trump wasted no time setting the tone of his state visit to China, greeting President Xi Jinping with a hard-cover edition of Lena Dunham’s memoir Famesick, which Trump spent the last month painstakingly translating to Mandarin by typing the entire autobiography into Google Translate, and then transferring the results into the book with a Sharpie marker. As China’s leader leafed through Lena Dunham’s candid descriptions of the struggles with chronic illness she dealt with during her rise to fame for writing and starring in HBO’s Girls – occasionally stopping to squint at unfamiliar Chinese characters Trump had written, including one used for ‘Hillary Clinton’ that was allegedly just a frowny face in a rice hat – Trump explained the book as a symbol of goodwill towards American-Chinese trade relations.
“This is the most important book in my country – what Quotations From Chairman Mao is to China, Famesick is to the United States, and it’s written by someone not so different from you and I and Mr. Mao, Mr. Xi,” Trump whispered in Xi’s ear. “Her name is Leno Dunham, and she’s one of the worst treated ladies of all time, all because people are jealous of an incredible deal she made with HBO when she was 23 years old. It was one of the best deals ever made, and she got it done even though she had to deal with Jenni Konner and a total lemon of a uterus the whole time. Oh, and her boyfriend ‘Jack Off’-something was in love with a foreign little girl who didn’t even have a name. None of it mattered. Leno got it done.”
“Mr. Xi, it’s obvious that Ms. Leno’s story is a metaphor for America and China: ignoring problems like the war in Iran (Adam Driver) and Taiwan (chronic illness), to become rich (Girls). And let me tell you, her story is even better in Mandarin. I cancelled so many important meetings to translate this for you. The Fake News Media thinks my discolored, scabby hands are from some terminal illness, when it’s actually from translating Famesick to Mandarin for you with a Sharpie. It caused permanent damage to nerves in my fingers. I was screaming in pain the whole time. Your language is genuinely insane. Anyway, let’s get China importing more American goods, okay?”
President Xi simply nodded, handed Famesick to an assistant, then guided Trump to a private room for a one-on-one meeting.
Wow. Considering how high the stakes are for Trump’s talks with Xi, it’s relieving to see that Trump opened things up with such a friendly offering! Personally translating Lena Dunham’s chronicle of fame, addiction, and personal health for Xi Jinping is a classy move, and hopefully a sign that China and the U.S. can start seeing each other as allies instead of enemies!
Damage Control: The Cruise Ship Industry Just Issued A Press Release Explaining That Contracting Hantavirus Is ‘Only Like The 32nd Worst Thing That Can Happen To You On A Cruise’
With the recent cases of hantavirus spreading onboard the MV Hondius cruise ship, you may be rethinking booking yourself a vacation aboard a similar vessel. Well, looks like the cruise ship industry has a message for people like you: They’ve just issued a press release explaining that contracting hantavirus is, “only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise.”
Dang, if that’s true, guess if you plan on going on a cruise, you have worse things to worry about than a potentially fatal virus spread by rodent waste!
The press release released this morning by Cruise Lines International Association explained, “Following the hantavirus outbreak aboard the MV Honduras, we would like to reassure cruisegoers that contracting hantavirus is only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise. From tainted seafood buffets, shipwide toilet malfunctions, elderly German nudists, bloody mary diarrhea, hirsute horny weirdos who won’t leave you alone, bad Jimmy Buffet cover bands, and all sorts of other high seas bullshit, we can think of many occurrences that could cause you to suffer severe distress during the course of a cruise trip. We encourage everyone who isn’t concerned with all of those things to chill out over the whole hantavirus situation. There are at least 31 worse possibilities to worry about, if not more.”
Well, those all undoubtedly all seem like great points!
Hopefully this message from the cruise ship industry helps put your mind at ease about booking a cruise by helping you realize that the hantavirus is only one of the many, many horrible things about spending weeks at sea on a huge vessel packed with thousands of drunk strangers. It’s great that they helped put this in perspective!
5 Ways You Can Discreetly Celebrate Someone’s Birthday Without Them Knowing
Sometimes a friend or relative has a birthday, but you’re embarrassed to celebrate in a way that they will find out about. Fortunately, there are some awesome and creative ways to celebrate someone’s birthday discreetly without them ever knowing. Here are five ways it can be done!
1. Whisper The Words “Happy Birthday” To A Chicken And Then Kill The Chicken
One of the most beautiful things about chickens is that they are unable to speak because they evolved wrong. This means that anything you say to a chicken remains a secret forever. If you want to wish a friend a happy birthday without them ever knowing, you should whisper their birthday greetings into the ear of a chicken. Even if the chicken wants to tell the friend, it will be unable to. However, there is always the chance that chickens will evolve the ability to speak at a moment’s notice, so you must also kill the chicken to make sure the birthday wishes remain a secret forever.
2. Decide That A Cake From The Past As Their Birthday Cake
If you give your birthday-having friend a birthday cake, they’re going to know that you’re wishing them a happy birthday, which would be a disaster and the end of your world. That’s why a great way to wish your friend a happy birthday in secret is to look at a photograph of a birthday cake from 100 years ago and say, “That’s the birthday cake for my friend, whose birthday is today.” This way, you can get your friend a cake that is so far away in time and space that they will never be able to eat it or even know about it.
3. Run Over A Piñata While They’re Sleeping
Piñatas are a type of donkey you destroy to make birthdays amazing. When your birthday-having friend falls asleep, drive into the woods and run over a piñata with your car. In this way, you will mark the splendid occasion of your friend’s birthday while they are dreaming someplace far away.
4. Give Them A Gun And Never Tell Them Why
For thousands of years, several people have mentioned that gifts are a part of birthdays. Many times, guns are gifts. For this reason, give your friend a gun on their birthday. However, if your friend asks, “Why did you give me a gun?” you must simply say, “I do not have to explain myself to you.” In this way, you have honored your friend’s birthday without them understanding why they now own a gun.
5. Wait Until They Are Dead And Then Blow One Of Those Party Noise Things
The party noise things are a kind of beautiful musical instrument that does the thing where it unrolls and gets longer when you blow into it. It also makes a loud noise. People blow these things on people’s birthdays to make them smile and clap. However, if you blow one of these near your friend on their birthday, they will know that you are doing it to celebrate their birthday and they will smile and clap like a person having a public birthday. But your friend must never know that you are celebrating their birthday or else your life will become horrible. As a result, the thing to do is wait until your friend is finally dead and then give one of those party noise things one big honk. In this way, your friend’s birthday has been honked about, but they have passed into a realm where they are unable to ever know about. This place is known as the Realm Of The Dead, and we are all going to be there soon enough. Happy birthday to your friend.
Bridging The Digital Divide: When Microsoft Donated Tablets To The Kids Of This Kenyan Village, They Became The Most Toxic ‘Pitt’ Fans Online Within Days
In developing nations, millions of children have little to no experience with digital technology compared to kids in wealthier countries. One tech giant just proved that access is all it takes to level the playing field: When Microsoft donated tablets to the kids of this Kenyan village, they became the most toxic fans of The Pitt online within days.
How cool is this? With equal opportunities, the world’s poorest children are capable of projecting their own neuroses onto HBO’s hit medical drama even more irrationally than American Pitt fans!
Last month, the children of Lolupe, one of the poorest villages in all of Kenya, received 30 Surface tablets from Microsoft as part of a philanthropic company initiative. These kids had never seen a tablet before, and yet, after just four days with the new technology, Lolupe’s youth had figured out how to not only operate the devices, but binge watch The Pitt and then histrionically plague star and executive producer Noah Wyle with complaints about the way his character was sometimes short with other characters. In no time at all, these Kenyan children were going viral with louder, angrier, and even less coherent whining over The Pitt’s creative decisions at a pace far more impressive than their privileged global peers.
“If you said ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ around these kids earlier this year, they would have no idea who you were talking about – today, saying ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ in Lolupe could spark a region-destabilizing war,” said Kate Behnken, head of Microsoft Philanthropies, who personally witnessed a six-year-old in Lolupe attempt to doxx Noah Wyle on her Surface tablet.
“The way these kids have taught themselves to react to an actor’s departure from The Pitt by perpetuating false accusations of bigotry against that actor’s co-workers is nothing short of amazing. They’re innovating entirely new ways to not understand how fiction works and pathologically hold other people’s art accountable for their own debilitating moral scrupulosity. You’d think these Kenyan children were Internet veterans.”
This is how you bridge the digital divide! Well done, Microsoft!
It’s so cool to see that with access to the same resources as kids in the Western world, children who grow up in poverty can weaponize their own mental illness and sheltered views to steer The Pitt discourse in the most toxic direction possible. Microsoft, you rule for this one!
Duffel Blog
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Daily Mash
Woman against one-night stands keeps man pointlessly hanging around for eight months
A 26-YEAR-OLD woman who prides herself on not having one-night stands has instead unnecessarily kept one in her life for two-thirds of a year.
Sophie Rodriguez values herself too much to give sex away cheaply so, after an initial night with Josh Gardner, has subsequently pretended they are in a relationship to justify it.
She said: “I’m too classy to shag and then get dumped so I’ve been dragging Josh around for almost three financial quarters while trying to convince myself I like him.
“It’s much better to realise someone isn’t right for you after a wasted winter over-analysing their texts, rather than the next morning when still unsure what his name is.
“Why let yourself be used when you can embark on long-term psychological combat involving mixed signals, cancelled plans and occasional intimacy every third Friday? Slowly draining one man’s will to live to show I’m not a slag.
“One-night stands objectify women. This hasn’t. Therefore it’s better, even if I am dumping him on Sunday because of incompatibility issues and him being shit in bed.”
Gardner said: “No, I get it, it’s like when you get a free trial for Apple TV, forget to cancel and watch three seasons of Foundation to get your money’s worth it even though it’s bollocks.”
We ask you: How will you stop politics influencing your sacred Eurovision vote?
THE Eurovision Song Contest is a safe space away from any political leanings, which is why Ukraine beat Sam Ryder in 2022. How will you keep it that way?
Carrie Ryan, eyebrow threader: “By abandoning nationalism, letting all flags and ethnicities fade into the background and treating every act as the same old spangly shit.”
Julian Cook, poet: “My wife and I each draw a nationality from a hat and support them fervently, culminating in a drunken fistfight then making wild, passionate love in front of the television as the Norwegians say ‘nul points’. All five children have February birthdays.”
Norman Steele, sluice installer: “Oh, it’s entirely political. We vote depending on which European country has most pleased us the previous year on holiday. And they f**king know it.”
Hannah Tomlinson, member for Stevenage: “By backing Wes Streeting because he’s the right choice for Britain and also performing Küpsetatud Sink Tantsib for Estonia tonight.”
Will McKay, flying instructor: “By not being able to watch the bastard. I’m Irish.”
Trump secures deals with China worth whatever he makes up
Men under increasing pressure to look vaguely presentable
IMAGES of attractive, stylish celebrities in the media are putting unreasonable pressure on men to make the effort to look half-decent.
Actors like Timothée Chalamet and Ryan Gosling who are both physically fit and well-groomed are being blamed for new patterns of dysfunctional behaviour in men, such as stopping to sniff the shirt they found on the floor before putting it on.
Style consultant Charlotte Phelps said: “In the past men have relied on wealth or the fleeting burst of confidence that accompanies binge drinking in order to snare a mate.
“But the increasing prevalence of men who look fit and clean is changing the rules and making normal males uncomfortable with their natural, healthy nose hair, shit haircuts and pallid, distended bellies. Albeit not quite uncomfortable enough to do anything about it.”
Man Ryan Whittaker said: “Yesterday I noticed that every single pair of boxer shorts I own has a faded but clearly visible skidmark and thought, ‘that’s not very appealing’. Clearly I need to see a psychiatrist urgently about this obsessive cleanliness disorder I’ve developed.
“I’ve also become obsessed with having abs like Paul Mescal. So I’ve sort of drawn some on, using a black marker pen I found down the back of the sofa while looking for crisps.
“From a distance it looks quite convincing.”
All your colleagues hate you, and other subtle signs it’s time to leave your job
WONDERING if you’re outstaying your welcome in your job? Look out for these telltale signs.
All your colleagues openly hate you
Co-workers don’t have to be your friends, but you shouldn’t have to come into the office knowing they all despise you either. It’s also not normal for your colleagues to be openly vying for your job, or for a bunch of people to barrage you with insults when you try to answer their questions each week. Maybe move into something more cushy, like coding?
The papers are begging for you to leave
It’s unusual for the British press to focus on random employees, but if they’re united in their call for you to step down then maybe you should give it some thought. Yes, it’s a little confusing because a couple of years ago some of them were backing you, but that’s just how things go. Don’t take their new scathing attacks on your character personally.
It’s totally unclear what you’re meant to be achieving
You may find most people are unsure about what you’ve actually accomplished in the last two years. Have you in your job somehow been the mastermind behind soaring petrol prices and the surging popularity of fringe parties? If so then well done, you can retire safe in the knowledge that you accomplished something, even if it’s shit.
The public is calling for you to go
The average worker generally doesn’t have to deal with every man, woman and child hoping you’ll piss off soon. A shelf stacker would pack it in out of frustration if people were lining up to tell them how crap they were and to give their job to Andy Burnham, and you shouldn’t feel any different. Don’t be upset though, just think of it as the universe’s coy way of telling you you’ve done your whole life wrong.
You’re kind of shit at it
Two years is an impressive amount of time to blag a job you’re clearly not cut out for. You can take pride in that, and even add ‘exemplary bullshitting’ to the CV you’re hopefully polishing. Sadly though, being good at a job is often a prerequisite to keeping it. Walk away from the flaming wreckage you’ve created and pray that nobody can trace it back to you.
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