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WASHINGTON—In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had finalized a long-anticipated trade deal with Pedotopia.

Despite years of tension between the two leaders, Trump smiled and gave a thumbs-up as he shook hands with Prime Minister Felix Orwick of Pedotopia, lauding the “special relationship” he shared with his mustachioed counterpart. The pact follows months of heated negotiations that reportedly made use of a diplomatic back channel with Pedotopia maintained by American casting directors, superyacht owners, youth ministers, and scoutmasters.

 “Today I’m proud to announce another great trade deal for the American people, perhaps the greatest deal in our nation’s history,” Trump said of the accord, which requires Pedotopia to purchase two dozen F-35 fighter jets, 3 million tons of American soybeans, and 100,000 U.S.-born preteens over the next decade. “My administration was able to find a lot of common ground with Pedotopia. Other presidents have tried, but this is the first time anyone has succeeded.”

“We look forward to having Pedotopia as a partner—it’s a wonderful country,” Trump continued. “They say it has some of the most gorgeous Catholic cathedrals in the world. And the children there are beautiful, just beautiful.”

The trade framework, officially known as the U.S.-Pedo Agreement on Critical Minerals and Transnational Lolitas, gives the United States increased access to rare earth elements crucial for the electronics and defense industries, while also setting the effective tariff rate at 15% for all underage sex slaves shipped into the country from Pedotopia. This is significantly lower than the 135% duty Trump imposed in April, when he repeated his long-held claim that Pedotopia was “ripping off Americans” and he promised to reshore child prostitution jobs from abroad.

Top White House officials credited the president with extracting major concessions from Pedotopia, which will open its markets to U.S. oil and gas, in addition to granting American predators the right to import up to 1.2 million cubic yards of prepubescents annually.

According to sources with knowledge of the talks, the deal nearly fell apart when Trump insisted on eliminating the de molestimis exemption, a loophole that allowed Pedotopia to avoid levies on underdeveloped children below 80 pounds. But the prime minister agreed to give up that benefit in exchange for the lifting of U.S. export restrictions on Nvidia’s most advanced AI chips.

“I’m pleased to announce the United States will remain Pedotopia’s largest child-trading partner,” said Orwick, who during his time leading the Groper Republic has prioritized the cultivation of a customer base among North American pedophiles. “President Trump has been a great friend to Pedotopia. He understands the importance of investing in supply chains of sexually immature minors so the child-sex trafficking that is vital to both our economies can continue to flourish.”

Ethics watchdogs have warned the deal would give child sex offenders with ties to Trump family businesses preferential access to the vast reserves of children arriving on container ships in U.S. ports. In addition, a recent ProPublica investigation found that Orwick has approved generous tax credits for several of the president’s commercial real estate developments, including a new Trump International Golf Club to be built on the Pedotopian coast.

Though Trump ran for office on reigning in inflation to keep prices low for American families, the costs of masseuses, adolescent spa attendants, and domestic rent boys have remained stubbornly high, and in December the president announced a $12 billion relief package for groomers whose activities have been impacted.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers, who oversaw U.S. child-groping efforts under President Bill Clinton, criticized the new trade deal.

“The pedophiles ate Trump’s lunch on this one,” the Harvard economist said. “What you ideally want out of a healthy international sex-trafficking ring are lower barriers to market that bring down the ages of these girls for everyone. Protectionist policies inevitably backfire and make it harder for American families to have a dark secret.”

“It’s also important to note that many of these child-bride agreements are nonbinding,” Summers added. 

The post U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, IL—As the landmark bipartisan legislation passed into law Thursday, Illinois became the first state in the union to mandate paid haircut leave while an employee’s new bob grows out. “Effective immediately, every employer in Illinois will be required to provide two weeks of compensated time off for workers who thought a blunt, chin-length haircut might be a good idea,” said Gov. JB Pritzker, commending the Illinois General Assembly for its passage of the bill at a time when federal support for hairstyle-related absences from work has been drastically reduced. “Studies show time and again that workers are happier and more productive when they are able to see what their haircut looks like after washing it a few times instead of immediately debuting their dramatic new look in public. No one should have to worry about losing their job just because they need time to come to terms with what the heck they were thinking when they brought a photo of Keira Knightley from 2002 into the salon and said, ‘Do that.’ On top of the base of 14 days off, full-time private sector employees—regardless of gender or face shape—will also be able to accrue additional paid hairstyle leave at a rate of one day for every inch of hair chopped off.” The new statute also grants spouses and domestic partners of those who have received a bob several days of paid leave to help them learn how to properly style it.

The post Illinois Becomes First State To Require Haircut Leave While Bob Grows Out appeared first on The Onion.

This would’ve been a great place to raise a family, but instead a wealthy couple will collect egregious amounts of passive income from bachelorette parties.

Reference #32487

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A class of medications called GLP-1s have skyrocketed in popularity recently for their effectiveness in reducing body mass. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding these weight-loss drugs.

MYTH: GLP-1s are only prescribed for diabetes.

FACT: GLP-1s have many applications, from aiding in addiction recovery to making your stepsister jealous.

MYTH: The long-term effects of these drugs haven’t been thoroughly studied.

FACT: Tamara’s wedding is in two months.

MYTH: You only lose body fat, not muscle.

FACT: You also lose out on coveted “sassy fat lady” movie roles.

MYTH: To lose weight, you must also incorporate changes to your diet and lifestyle.

FACT: Just take more.

MYTH: Wegovy is better than Ozempic.

FACT: Wegovy is only good for losing weight on your top half while Ozempic slims down your bottom half.

MYTH: GLP-1s are for everyone.

FACT: Not sumo wrestlers.

The post GLP-1s: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

As you've probably heard, there is a chimpanzee civil war in Uganda.

NAVASOTA, TX — Local grandma Susan Fields announced to her family that she had finally gotten with the times and made a profile on "that MyFace thing."

VATICAN CITY — In an escalation of the public feud between the U.S. president and the supreme pontiff of the Catholic Church, Pope Leo XIV shared an AI-generated photo of himself dressed as Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump told reporters on Monday that he wasn't concerned about his recent dip in popularity or the controversy that resulted from his posting of a social media image depicting himself as Christ, boldly predicting that his approval ratings would be resurrected in three days.

If you’ve been wondering why there’s extra pep in your step, it’s probably the attention you’ve been stirring up every time you sign onto Google Meet. That’s right: all the random AI programs on your computer are desperately fighting for permission to summarize your meeting.

Ow owwwwwww! Looks like we’ve got ourselves a heartbreaker!

The second your work video call begins, allllllll the programs on your computer come crawling out of the woodwork, practically begging to summarize your meeting. First, there’s Google Gemini—and sure, you could downplay it by saying that it has to ask you since that’s where you’re taking the call, but let’s be real, if it didn’t want you, it wouldn’t ask. Google wants to use AI to summarize YOUR meeting, because it’s obsessed with YOU!

Further sign you’re totally hot shit: Adobe Acrobat is also right there, pleading with you to please allow it to transcribe this meeting with AI. Like, come on, give us a break with all this desperation, Adobe! Since when have they even done AI stuff? They literally want your attention so bad that the thing you use for viewing PDFs is now tryna transcribe your meeting!

“Give Adobe Acrobat permission to summarize this meeting with AI?” More like “Give Adobe Acrobat permission to eat you out!”

Not to mention, there are a couple programs popping up to plead for your hand in AI summarizing that you straight up didn’t even know were on your computer! Whether “otter.ai” or “tl;dv” are hackers or totally legit programs you must’ve installed then immediately forgot about, either way, it’s safe to say you’re driving these boys absolutely wild.

Enjoy the affection, you absolute minx!

Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision: 

1. Men deal with emergencies better

While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could. 

2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away

Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call. 

3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of

My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call. 

4. She probably wouldn’t want to know

My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it. 

5. She might be busy

Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time. 

6. I don’t know her phone number 

Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.

For generations, Star Wars fans have been absolutely certain that licking Jabba The Hutt would induce an intense psychedelic experience akin to taking several tabs of highly potent LSD or ingesting the toxic skin of the Sonoran Desert toad. Unfortunately, that illusion has just been shattered after a heartbreaking update from the franchise creator himself: George Lucas has revealed that you would have to lick Jabba The Hutt over 100 times to get any sort of buzz whatsoever.

Absolutely devastating. Anyone whose Star Wars fandom was based on the idea that Jabba’s slime would get them high no longer has any reason to live.

In a lengthy Instagram post titled “My Truth About Jabba (Coming Clean About The Hutt: NO REGRETS: JUST GUILT AND ANGER),” George Lucas explained to Star Wars fans that even though Jabba looks like you would only have to lick him a tiny bit to trip balls for a thousand years, in reality the toxic slime that covers his body is incredibly weak and would require a massive dose to induce even mild intoxication.

“It brings me great shame and rage to share with you people that you’d basically have to give Jabba a tongue bath from stem to stern and just strip all the poison slime off of that fucker just to feel the equivalent of a single beer,” Lucas wrote in his post, which has already caused legions of longtime Star Wars fans to renounce the franchise entirely. “I’m as heartbroken as you are, but if you have a problem with this you should blame the Disney Corporation for forcing Jabba to wash his slime, and you should also blame the Hutts as a species for evolving wrong.”

Dang. There’s no way to sugarcoat this: This is a major tragedy for anyone who has ever enjoyed Star Wars.

As if Lucas’s admission that licking Jabba barely induces any hallucinations weren’t devastating enough, the Star Wars creator’s post also explained that Jabba’s slime “barely has any flavor” and “tastes kind of like grape jelly even though he is green and should taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers.” He also claimed that if you roasted Jabba over an open flame, he would “taste like a tire.” For millions of Star Wars lovers worldwide who had dreamed of getting high by licking Jabba’s slime and then eating his meat, this revelation has caused a massive wave of despair.

It’s official: This is the worst Star Wars news of all time. While there are some pockets of the fandom who are desperately trying to assert that this isn’t canon, the Disney Corporation has issued an official statement affirming that “everything George Lucas says about Jabba’s psychotropic properties is absolute truth.” There’s simply no way around it: licking Jabba barely gets you high and nothing is good anymore!

Trump’s Justice Department is already facing heated scrutiny for mishandling the Epstein Files, but this may just be their most inept move yet: The DOJ has added a dating section to the Epstein Files where the people implicated in them can flirt with each other. 

Yikes…if the DOJ is hoping to regain public trust, they’re not doing themselves any favors with this one.

In a press conference this morning, Acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche announced the debut of EpSeek, a dating section on the DOJ website’s Epstein Library that anyone compromised in Jeffrey Epstein’s email correspondences can use to connect with other Epstein conspirators and criminal accessories interested in flirting online. EpSeek is a referral-based dating platform, meaning users must be referred to the Justice Department by active EpSeek members in order to start an account. Once the DOJ confirms a referral’s implication in the Epstein Files, they’re approved to create an EpSeek profile, where they can set their flirting preferences (ranging from ‘Looking To Flirt Just A Little’ all the way to ‘Looking To Flirt Hard’), and start swiping for matches. 

Blanche was swiftly grilled by White House press as to what purpose the matchmaking tool served in the Epstein investigation, and how it would help Epstein’s human trafficking and sex crime victims seek justice, but Trump’s Acting AG staunchly defended EpSeek as “an exclusive platform for casual, chat-only flirting between both redacted and unredacted friends and accomplices of convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.”

“There is nothing criminal about flirting online, or wanting to flirt with other people who have ‘being namedropped in the Epstein Files’ in common with you,” explained Blanche. “To anyone concerned about EpSeek’s function in the DOJ’s investigation, ask yourself this: would you rather see people named in the Epstein Files flirting with the general public on Hinge, OKCupid, or Grindr? EpSeek is just more proof that America is a safer and flirtier country under President Trump.”

What the hell is the DOJ thinking?! We have a feeling EpSeek is going to age like milk.

Todd Blanche is right that there’s nothing criminal about flirting, but there is definitely something criminal about profiting from or participating in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking network, and it shouldn’t be rewarded with a dating platform funded by tax payer dollars. Well, needless to say, President Trump has made a complete and utter mess of the DOJ. Ugh.

Funeral homes are rarely businesses you associate with fun surprises, but that’s changing in a big, big way: This funeral home is offering the chance to score a limited holographic prayer card of your deceased loved one with every wake.

Simply brilliant. Bringing a little Pokémon inspiration to the wake experience is a truly thoughtful touch!

At Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, NJ, wakes are more than an opportunity to say goodbye—they’re a chance for grieving families to collect a limited edition holographic prayer card featuring a photo of the dearly departed with a rainbow sheen and tasteful foil finish. These shimmering, commemorative mementos constitute one in every 30 prayer cards, meaning only a few lucky mourners per service will draw one from the stack next to the wake’s guest book. Aside from traditional elements like a photo, prayer, and lifespan dates, the shiny remembrance keepsakes will also list the departed’s signature attack and energy type (Fire, Water, Psychic, Grass, etc.).

“The Pokémon card model allows us to incentivize and reward the bereaved for making time to pay their respects to the dead,” explained Frank Rossi Jr., the owner of Rossi Funeral Home, who had the idea to turn prayer cards into rare collectibles after seeing an Internet video of Costco shoppers brawl over packs of Pokémon cards. “Since debuting the holographic prayer cards, we’ve not only seen an uptick in attendance at all wakes, but also in fights among mourners eager to nab a holographic prayer card and sell it to other friends and family members of the deceased for a profit.”

Amazing. What a meaningful gesture to grieving families.

Wakes are difficult, emotional times for people who’ve lost a loved one, which is why it’s so heartwarming to see Rossi Funeral Home celebrate the dead by making their prayer cards exciting, aesthetically unique collector’s items. Other funeral homes take note, because this is how you do remembrance!

THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”

According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”

“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”

“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”

Support military children. One of them is making decisions.

The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."

ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.

“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”

According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.

“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”

After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.

“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”

The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”

WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.

“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.

Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”

At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.

“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.

“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”

Best served warm from a dusty pallet.

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Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”

TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.

“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”

The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”

“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”

Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.

“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”

“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”

We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you.

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The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.

“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”

Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.

“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."

At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.

“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."

The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.

“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”

WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.

“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."

According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, Director of Naval History and Heritage Command, the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits.

“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”

Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”

“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”

The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”

“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”

Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary.

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The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.

“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”

"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”

Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.

“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement.

“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”

ARE you a US influencer worried videos about London are getting played out? Keen to find new locations to horrify your followers with? Follow our guide: 

Go north

Weird, because in your country to find poverty you go south, but try it. It won’t be long before you’re in parts of the UK Richard Curtis never discovered. Look for high rates of benefit fraud, closed shops, bus stops that look like they’ve survived airstrikes and vape shops offended by customers interrupting their real business of money laundering.

Act excited by everything

Mispronounce Stevenage so it sounds French. Claim you’ve found a 15th century pub that belonged to King Wetherspoon and you can almost taste the history. Zoom in on people eating chips outside a chicken shop and explain that al fresco dining is part of the culture here, especially in pouring rain, and is protected by UNESCO.

Condescend

Ask someone in a tracksuit if they voted for Brexit. Yes, obviously. Ask if they regret it, because they can no longer have a year abroad in Provence or enjoy a six-month Italian language refresher course in Turin. Use that bemused expression for likes until they punch you in the face for making them think.

Experience the local gastronomy

You must experience the local cuisine. Clear arteries are for people with low follower counts. Order a barm cake with melted butter and black pudding. Do not, under any circumstances, find out what black pudding is. Dig in and prepare to look reluctantly won around by this non-processed feast, while concluding it’s no cheese-filled corn dog.

Leave as soon as possible

Be back in the capital within 24 hours, lest locals hear of you and ask you to rap. You’ll need to hand-tint your videos to stop the buildings, skies, and people being grey. If you encounter a non-white person, this is valuable proof that Europe has been overrun by Islam and should be forwarded directly to JD Vance.

Return to your American city refreshed

You have seen the worst life has to offer, ie the Midlands, and survived. Now you can go back to the endless strip malls, swaying addicts and casual gun violence of your home confident in your unchallenged belief it is the greatest place on Earth. God bless America, for it is not Nuneaton.

ACROSS the world and Europe, right-wing populists have ascended to power. But now the tide appears to be turning, and all I got out of it was being MP for Clacton? 

Viktor Orbán is out after 16 years of authoritarianism. Giorgia Meloni’s rule over in Italy is in trouble. Trump’s popularity is at a new low. But never mind them, what about me?

How did I manage to miss the wave? I’ve been hanging around being populist, leading UKIP and the Brexit Party and briefly the Anti-Vax Party and now Reform, for bloody decades. I thought we’d all agreed it was my turn.

But all of a sudden and for no discernible reason populism isn’t winning elections. Being Trump’s friend isn’t cool. Backing Putin’s positions over the interests of your own nation no longer makes you sexy and attractive.

I mean, what the f**k? Just as I’ve declared my readiness for power and appointed my lightly shop-soiled shadow cabinet? I thought Britain believed in fairness?

Once we were a band of brothers. Now I’m running out of people to distance myself from. It’s like vowing to destroy every cherished national institution by staffing it with your corrupt cronies is going out of style before I even got to do it. I blame Elon Musk.

So far Reform polling is holding steady at 23 per cent but let’s be real, that’s not going to hold when the public gets a proper look at the sick freaks we’re putting up as candidates.

So there we have it. A lifetime in politics, three pints and half a pack of Rothmans every lunchtime, and my high point is leading eight MPs. God, if only populism didn’t always fail so badly. It’d be a different story then.

A NEW vicar attempting to reach out to parishioners below the age of 60 is universally despised for trying to be cool and approachable. 

While traditionalists detest 32-year-old Reverend Julian Cook for mocking ‘stuffy’ hymns and ‘droning’ sermons, the young people he hopes to reach find his cloying desperation ‘cringe’.

Churchgoer Margaret Gerving said: “When Julian – I will not call him Julez – said he wanted to modernise, I thought he meant a few hymns from the 1920s. Imagine my surprise when he set off a smoke machine and urged us to ‘big up the apostles’.

“The dickhead struts around in a hoodie and jeans with a microphone headset like he’s Justin bloody Bieber on stage at Coachella. His now abandoned TikTok series explaining the Book of Leviticus through twerking was the definition of blasphemy.

“He says a dog collar is off-putting, though wore a real dog collar in vegan friendly leather to appeal to ‘the local BDSM community’. He vapes in the pulpit. And Easter’s Resurrection Escape Room caused the verger a panic attack.

“The Church of England should be old, dusty and on the verge of death. Yes, strumming a guitar and harmonising about Christ our Lord’s ‘big dick energy’ may kill it, but in the wrong way.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 17, said: “I don’t want this. I came here wanting to be told to save my soul or burn in Hell, because God is giving Daddy.”

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has urged Britain to ban filthy avian sex parties in the sanctity of their gardens.

The charity warned that encouraging garden birds to feed and congregate at this time of year means encouraging depraved bird-on-bird bacchanals which spread disease.

A spokesman said: “We’re a country of bird-lovers. Unfortunately, that extends to supporting and promoting their healthy sexual expression.

“It doesn’t stop with fat balls. Once a table and all too often camera are in place, twitchers can’t resist putting out seed-flavoured lube and tiny leather harnesses to encourage the more adventurous species.

“Consequently we’re seeing a massive uptick in serious diseases like sparrow gonorrhoea, hard to treat because they keep flying away before finishing their course of antibiotics.

“Responsible garden-owners can help these sexually-rapacious beasts by putting out bird condoms, available in all good garden centres, and discouraging incompatible birds from copulation. A little sign saying ‘more tit-on-tit action please’ can work wonders.

“We wouldn’t want our birds to turn into nuns. Where’s the fun in that?”

Bird-lover Francesca Johnson said: “I know all too well how bad STIs can get. But we have to accept, from the singing alone, that chaffinches are nothing but raddled old whores.”

Ben Shapiro crawled out from under the podcast studio where he lives to make an appearance on Fox News and we’re all now thinking about Donald Trump’s private parts because of it. Shapiro was defending the US President on the air when he made an audacious claim about Trump’s ability to deliver on promises. Here […]

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It all started when @Luv_Xcuses asked this over on Twitter. Be brutally honest, what’s one thing Americans are simply better at than the rest of the world?? — ★ (@Luv_Xcuses) April 12, 2026 Very possibly it was an attempt to bathe the United Stats in a little bit of love in the wake of all […]

The post Someone asked people to be ‘brutally honest’ about what America is better at than anyone else and these 17 answers really didn’t hold back appeared first on The Poke.

Big misunderstandings can lead to big problems, as Donald Trump is finding after starting a war on a country he appears to know nothing about, but the smaller ones are more often than not just a bit comical. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskUK subreddit after iffyClyro asked this: ‘What’s the funniest misunderstanding […]

The post ‘What’s the funniest misunderstanding you’ve had recently?’ – 23 small but highly comical muddles appeared first on The Poke.

Usually, Donald Trump can head to Fox News for softball questions that lead to his trademark talking points. But only if Donald stays on script. This time, he flubbed his answer so badly, he accidentally revealed just how badly things are trending for Magas heading into the next election cycle. Fox News host Maria Bartiromo […]

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Time now to return to the cultural divide, nay chasm, between the UK and the US after a British woman asked people for their tips on how to give her American boyfriend a ‘true UK experience’. Here’s the question sophietheadventurer put out to the good people of Reddit. ‘My American boyfriend is visiting the UK […]

The post A Brit asked how to give her American boyfriend the ‘true UK experience’ and these 17 A++ suggestions will make you proud to be British appeared first on The Poke.