Lindsey Graham’s Will Orders Estate To Start War With Azerbaijan

WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan and a clear directive that all persons named in the will immediately begin deploying troops to carry out these objectives,” said a person close to Graham’s family who spoke on the condition of anonymity about the two-pronged offensive the late lawmaker had meticulously diagrammed for a land invasion from neighboring Armenia and a naval bombardment from the Caspian Sea. “He died unmarried and with no heirs, but has dictated that his accumulated wealth be put toward the rapid manufacture of munitions to be used in the all-out assault. He did leave certain details of the campaign to his beneficiaries, with the caveat that all tactics employed ultimately contribute to wiping Azerbaijan off the map as quickly as possible.” The source added, however, that if Azerbaijan proves too difficult to obliterate, Graham’s will authorizes launching a war against Uzbekistan as a backup plan. The Onion.

Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. “Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and thankfully they did not make it in time,” said George Washington University Hospital cardiologist Dr. Eric Fallstaff, who suggested that EMTs should receive special commendations for arriving at the four-term Republican senator’s house long after they could have successfully delivered life-saving care. “In cases as severe as this, the only way to save a patient is through open-heart surgery. Thankfully, by the time 911 dispatchers even got the call, medical intervention would have been futile.” Fallstaff went on to praise his fellow doctors’ bravery and quick thinking for pronouncing Graham dead shortly after. The Onion.

‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower

SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal” Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 solar tower in the Mojave Desert. “Let’s see the Kennedy Curse try to take down a man with 92 billion lumens of photonic goodness surging into his taint,” the pantsless HHS secretary said as he triumphantly spread his legs from his perch on the tower’s boiler in conditions so hot a passing barn swallow was seen bursting into flames. “What a nice, clear day to ascend to living godhood. All right, sun, fill ’er up! Oh, mama, I can already feel those solar rays stripping years of vaccine damage off my DNA. Definitely stings a little, but pain is just mortality leaving the perineum. Sweet Helios, bless this gooch with your everlasting vitality! Looks like you lose this round, Death—eternity, here I come!” At press time, Kennedy expressed confidence that his newfound immortality would give his body plenty of time to heal the fourth-degree burns to his penis and testicles. The Onion.

Nation’s Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It’s Okay To Drink

WASHINGTON—Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation’s alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it’s okay to drink. “Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight scolds kick you out just for having a good time, shopping mall food courts and convenience store parking lots are great backups,” said Milwaukee-area drunkard Nicholas Urie, echoing the unsolicited sentiments of all 27.9 million Americans diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, each of whom agreed “there’s nothing wrong with a little nip in the car.” “Weddings are acceptable, of course, and funerals are fair game, too—drinking is encouraged at funerals, actually. Kid birthday parties are fine as long as you stick to beer and use a koozie. Ferries, buses, commuter trains are great for knocking back a couple. Truth is there’s not a lot of cops at the butterfly sanctuary. And listen, if you’re looking for a dark, quiet place where you won’t get hassled, you can’t do much better than a planetarium.” The nation’s alcoholics added that if all else failed, a dry, secluded spot beneath an overpass was always an option. The Onion.

Adam Silver Acknowledges Declining Ratings May Have Something To Do With How He Looks

NEW YORK—Admitting that he might bear some responsibility for the NBA’s recent struggles, commissioner Adam Silver acknowledged Tuesday that the league’s declining ratings could very well have something to do with how he looks. “Unfortunately, we’ve suffered a steady drop in viewership over the past several years, and I’ll be the first to admit this trend has likely been accelerated by my unsettling physical qualities,” Silver told reporters, conceding that the NBA’s middling ad sales and shrinking audiences could be partly attributed to his hairless, vaguely translucent form and his eerie, beady-eyed presence, which he confessed were more befitting an undead humanoid who sleeps in a coffin than an executive who serves as the public face of a major professional sports organization. “Viewers these days are concerned that when they turn on a basketball game, I’ll lurch into frame with my spiderlike physique and horrible rictus, so that’s a challenge we’re actively addressing. The fact is that we’ve lost millions of viewers, and the sooner we can figure out a solution to the terror basketball fans feel at seeing me looming on their television screens, the better.” Silver added that he was hoping to return the NBA to the popularity of its 1990s heyday, when basketball fans wanted to fuck David Stern’s brains out.  The Onion.

7 Clear Signs Mitch McConnell's Hospital Photo Is Fake

Is Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell really still alive? A new photo of him in a hospital bed with his wife by his side appears to confirm it... or does it?

Police Instantly Disperse 'Teen Takeover' By Firing Job Applications Into Crowd

CHICAGO, IL — Local police successfully dispersed the mob at a "teen takeover" event in the downtown area Friday night by firing thousands of job applications directly into the crowd.

Megyn Kelly Now Claims She's Never Heard Of A 'Candace Owens'

U.S. — Podcast host Megyn Kelly surprised listeners on Monday when, during an expletive-filled monologue, she claimed to have never heard of whatever a "Candace Owens" is.

PSA: Over 450,000 People Die Each Year While Lost In Their Hoodies And Being Unable To Find The Head Hole

ATLANTA, GA — Health officials issued an urgent public warning Thursday, revealing that over 450,000 people lose their lives annually due to becoming completely lost inside their own hoodies.

Party Of Tolerance Holds Nationwide Parade Celebrating Death Of Political Enemy

U.S. — The party of love, peace, and tolerance held nationwide parades today to celebrate the death of a political enemy.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint

WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.

VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.

New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous

Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results

Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired

The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.

Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.

Spanish allowed unfettered access to Gibraltar as if it’s part of their country

That’s enough sun for this year, says Britain

THE public has had its fill of the sun and is happy to spend the rest of 2026 in perpetual darkness, they have confirmed. Having endured a few weeks of glorious, unbearable weather, the people of Britain are in agreement that the sun can bugger off behind cloud cover or an extended eclipse for a good few months now. Susan Traherne of Poole said: “Ideally, NASA would destroy the sun so we’d never have to be bothered by it again. But a prolonged absence would be an acceptable compromise. “Yes, all plant life would perish, as would most insects, animals and humans, The seas would freeze. Civilisation as we know it would be wiped out. But last week was horribly sweaty and Asda ran out of Nobbly Bobblys by Wednesday. “Imagine how lovely it would be to stumble around in cool, refreshing blackness. No need for hosepipe bans, no more smearing your neck with suncream, and the ugly wouldn’t have to feel self-conscious. It’s got to be worth a try.” Norman Steele from Warrington said: “Getting rid of the sun would end global warming, pleasing Greta Thunberg, but also end solar power, pleasing Jeremy Clarkson. Making it a fair compromise. “What else are we supposed to do? Heed the grim warning of these heatwaves and change our lifestyles accordingly? I’ve got a fortnight in the Algarve booked.”

What an ideal semi-final tie for me, a man still not over the Falklands War

By Nathan Muir, England fan, amateur historian and committed xenophobe WHAT luck! England vs Argentina in the semi-final of the World Cup, and me still not over a war between our countries that ended 44 years ago!  Yes, while others have been able to move on from a conflict which lasted for ten weeks in 1982, was decisively won by the British and brought down the Argentine military government ushering in democracy, I still bear grudges. And this match is the ideal opportunity to air them. There’s not enough racism in football these days, I think we can all agree, so I’ll do my bit by muttering darkly about ‘the Argies’ and the terrible things they did to ‘our boys’. Never mind that the only Falklands veteran anyone under 40 will have heard of is Prince Andrew, and his heroism is somewhat tarnished today. I believe the embers of hatred are still warm and deserve stoking. After all, didn’t the Sun take Britain from ‘no real idea where or what Argentina is’ to gleefully shouting ‘Gotcha!’ when an Argentine cruiser was sunk killing 323 in weeks? So I’m sure I can do it in two days. Come on, everyone! Let’s hate them! Lionel Messi? Despises Britain and pledges 100 per cent of his pay to recapturing Las Malvinas. Lionel Scaloni? Personally tortured British lads. Charly Alacaraz? Kicked a penguin. Yes, soon young people will, when hearing me shout ‘Remember Goose Green!’ recall our finest hour rather than thinking I’ve conflated Top Gun character Goose, played by Anthony Edwards, and ER character Dr Mark Greene, played by Anthony Edwards. If I’m not yet over the Falklands, why should anyone be? Let’s Make England Hate Argies Again, or MEHAA. Then when we beat them it won’t just be a footballing victory. It will restore Britain’s martial greatness. My cousin José in Madrid? He’s busy on social media trying to revive the anti-French sentiment of the Peninsular War of 1808-1814. We all do our bit.

Should you call your boss ‘Daddy’? A guide

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you? A guide:  During your annual review? Nothing says ‘I’m ready for more responsibility’ like beginning with ‘Do you like what I’m doing, Daddy?’ Ask if you’ve been a bad boy for not maximising sales revenue and what you can do to make Daddy happier next quarter. Expect either an immediate promotion or an immediate summons to HR. When requesting annual leave? Instead of a tired ‘Could I have Friday off?’ try ‘Daddy, may I have permission to frolic?’ Unsettling if he’s older than you, traumatising if he isn’t. Your request will almost certainly be granted if just to remove you from the building. When seeking a pay rise?  Research shows employees who confidently request more money are more likely to receive it. Research does not show the same for staff who say ‘Daddy, the cost-of-living crisis has made me an expensive little boy.’ Nor does it recommend ending the meeting with ‘Is Daddy proud of me?’ In the middle of a disciplinary meeting?  When he says ‘I’m afraid your expenses claim for six margaritas at Center Parcs has raised concerns’, pout and reply ‘Forgive me, Daddy’. He won’t be thinking about the margaritas anymore, especially if you follow up with ‘Is Daddy going to get his spanking slipper?’ If he’s requested it? It’s perfectly normal for a new manager to say ‘Call me Matthew. Or Matt’. If he adds ‘Or Daddy’, immediately update your LinkedIn profile to indicate that you’re open to other, less creepy opportunities. If you’re in a hostage situation?  The bank you work in is being robbed, it’s turned into a police siege, and the lives of your co-workers depend upon you reading out a very specific script, in which you refer to the CEO as ‘Daddy’. Then – and only then – is it okay. Be British about it and avoiding all eye contact afterwards. If you’re a young woman?  Never, ever acceptable. Not even in the hostage situation.

Romantic story of how grandparents got together creepy and harrowing to modern ears

THE heartwarming story of how your grandfather wooed your grandmother has you considering whether to report him to the police.  Joseph Turner often proudly regales his grandchildren with the story of how he pursued his wife of fifty years, Margaret, with no notion of how deeply sinister his behaviour was or how many boundaries it ignored. Joseph explained: “Maggie was five years younger than me and a third year at the girls’ school. I was working at the firm by then and looking for a wife. “One day I noticed her at the bus stop and I decided to follow her home. When I found out where she lived, I waited outside her house every evening. She told me that she wasn’t interested and begged me to go away, but I didn’t! “In the end I wore her down, and she let me take her out to a dance. She’d never had a drink before, but after a few glasses of champagne I drove her to a secluded spot and asked her to marry me. I said that if she didn’t say yes, I’d drive us both off a cliff. “And now we’ve been together for 50 happy years! Yes, you may freely note she is only 84.” Grandson Dominic said: “I had to say, Grandad, that is incredibly f**ked up. You stalked and coerced her. You’re basically Harvey Weinstein.” But Margaret said: “Oh, it was a different time. Believe me, he was one of the good ones.”

‘What’s the most expensive thing you’ve accidentally received for free in the UK?’ – 22 people who got remarkably lucky

We all day dream about getting an unexpected windfall like a large amount of cash or brand new car, don’t we? But our magic stroke of luck never arrives. Or does it? It turns out that some people have been very fortunate in completely unexpected ways. They’ve been chatting about it on the AskUK subreddit […] The Poke.

James O’Brien pointed out how Nigel Farage is laughing at his own supporters and these proud patriots didn’t see the funny side

If you’re not a regular listener to LBC then you probably won’t know that mid-morning presenter James O’Brien has had the last two weeks off, and what a fortnight it’s been. So when he returned from his break on Monday it was only natural that he should have lots to say about his nemesis, Nigel […] The Poke.

Sam Neill was asked in his final interview why he changed his name from Nigel and his answer was a glorious one in the eye for you-know-who

We were very sad to hear of the death of the great Sam Neill who has died aged 78. Aside from being a fabulous actor, from Jurassic Park to The Piano, from The Dish to Event Horizon, he always seemed such a lovely man, and we’ve already written about this beautiful clip. Rest In Peace […] The Poke.

JD Vance criticised college graduates for taking ‘fake jobs’ – 17 very professional and especially real take downs

There aren’t a lot of likeable people in the Donald Trump White House these days. To stand out amongst the punchable faces takes a special brand of smugness and condescension. Enter: JD Vance. The Vice President has a way of talking down to every single voter base he’s supposed to be courting on his assumed […] The Poke.

A wannabe Maga politician tried to shame people for not mourning Lindsay Graham properly and it backfired in spectacular fashion

Spencer Pratt “rose” to “prominence” as a background “character” on the “reality” TV show, The Hills. He wasn’t even interesting enough to stand out amongst a bunch of ditzy trust fund babies back then, but now he thinks he deserves a shot at running Los Angeles as mayor. (Narrator: he did not. He lost in […] The Poke.