The Onion
Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share
MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy Alcantara bobblehead for all of them to share. “We’ll leave it up to our amazing fans to determine how they want to share this awesome bobblehead—maybe they set up a system where each one of them gets to keep it for one day before passing it on to another fan, or perhaps they keep the bobblehead in a communal storage unit where any one of them can go look at it whenever they want,” the Marlins announced in a press release that also suggested fans could break the figurine of the Cy Young–winning pitcher into 10,000 equally sized pieces if they wanted, or they could simply pass the bobblehead from seat to seat whenever someone felt like they’d “had enough time with Sandy.” “All we can say is that we’ll be extremely disappointed if any one Marlins fan becomes consumed by greed and keeps the bobblehead all for themselves. Please be respectful to one another and do not alter the bobblehead in any way without first getting approval from the other 9,999 owners.” At press time, Marlins fans told reporters they planned to sell the bobblehead on eBay.
The Onion.
More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction
The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do you think?
“I never miss a chance to do something weird to my penis.”
Angus Overby, Flag Mounter
“I was wondering why Hims sent me an R&B mixtape.”
Troy Zabica, Circus Spokesperson
“That explains the old folk remedy of screaming at a flaccid cock.”
Ester Dunn, Tattoo Consultant
The Onion.
Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse
WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse. This afternoon the president was seen flopping languidly on the back of a spooked chestnut mare that bolted across the White House South Lawn, leading many to suspect his rolled-back eyes and lolled-out tongue could be an indication of serious medical problems not yet disclosed to the public. Watching as the frightened animal ferried Trump down Constitution Avenue and Secret Service agents sprinted after him, eyewitnesses said that at many points it appeared the president would have fallen to the rushing ground below were his feet not caught in the horse’s stirrups. According to medical experts, dangling backward off a galloping horse with one’s arms flapping around like a rag doll is commonly associated with poor health outcomes in men above the age of 55. Reached for comment, the White House issued a statement dismissing concerns about the president’s well-being and claiming that he had merely slid down beside the horse’s thundering hooves to practice an advanced form of horseback riding known as “upside-down style.”
The Onion.
Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid. “I remember googling the word ‘stupid’ for the first time, reading the definition, and thinking, ‘Holy shit—this is me,’ ” said Henard, recalling that while he had initially been skeptical when his girlfriend suggested he might be stupid, it increasingly began to make sense as he did more research into the condition. “Then I went to the doctor and did a bunch of tests, and they told me, ‘Yep, you’re stupid.’ At that moment, it was like all the pieces of the pie suddenly came together. Even better was learning I’m not alone. Being stupid is actually really common in the U.S.” Henard went on to explain that being stupid was probably the reason he had never done well in school.
The Onion.
Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans
The Onion.
ClickHole
Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period
Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period.
Now that’s how you treat women right!
Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding.
So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!
But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast!
So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!
Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad
Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad.
What a bummer.
While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read.
With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).”
Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Duffel Blog
West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.
Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation
WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Sleeping Marine aces hearing test
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”
Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits
WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”
Daily Mash
Smug September holiday bastards not so f**king smug now
THOUSANDS of self-satisfied twats who ‘prefer to holiday in September’ are not looking quite so clever as they begin their second day at the airport.
All those who pay no mind to school holidays to take advantage of cheaper deals and cooler climates are right now standing around at Gatwick wishing they had not decided to go with shorts for the flight.
Martin Bishop of Leominster said: “I could watch this footage all day.
“Look at that guy there. He’s just queued for 40 minutes at Costa and paid £13.75 for a coffee and a dry, unpalatable croissant and that’s his breakfast. That’s his f**king breakfast. I had blueberries on my porridge, dickhead.
“They’ve spent all summer bragging about how Crete is ‘so much better once the heat of August passes, and actually far more affordable’ and now they’re spending two days of their holiday at East Midlands Airport.
“And according to the news even when they finally get flown out their luggage won’t, so they’ll spend all holiday in cheap Spanish polyester filing compensation claims on their phones. Ah. Glorious.”
Holidaymaker Carolyn Ryan said: “I may have been stuck at Heathrow for 26 hours but I haven’t got any bratty kids while I do it. So I still win.”
Middle-aged man puts back out masturbating
A MAN in his early 50s has thrown his back out during an otherwise routine session of self-abuse, he has confirmed.
Homeworker Joshua Hudson of Winchester was cracking one out during his lunch break, in order to provide himself with motivation for the afternoon, when he switched hands and felt an unpleasant click.
He then found himself unable to rise from his reclining position and had to roll onto the floor and crawl into the bathroom for a clean-up he described as ‘degrading’.
He said: “Christ, I’ve already given up vaping, drinking on weeknights, all prospect of sex and fry-ups. I can’t have this become a risky activity as well.
“In the moment I over-exerted myself, I understand that, but is this going to happen regularly? Do the elderly in sheltered housing have to bash the bishop by the pullcord for the warden?
“I’ll be struggling to walk for the next three weeks at least, I’ll need six cushions to get through a film, and sleeping will be hell. Still, I finished. I feel that shows strength of character.”
Wife Sara said: “Useless bastard’s put his back out again. How I don’t know. He does nothing but lie around and occasionally wank.”
What my Christian faith means to me. By a masked boat protestor
SHOCKED that I, a man who masks up, blocks roads and hates the RNLI, believes strongly in Christian values? Let me explain the role Jesus plays in my life.
For example in Portsmouth, where we smashed the windows of police cars to stop buses of asylum seekers, I joined the chants of ‘Christ is King’. Just our way of saying we’re not Muslim immigrants? Of course not. Christ and his teachings guide all our lives.
Certainly God hates those of opposing faiths, which is why he commanded St George to go on the Crusades from a burning hedge. Why he didn’t provide air support is beyond me, but he moves in mysterious ways.
But suggestions I’m just pretending to be a Christian because I’m a thick racist is ridiculous. My faith is a source of comfort to me in difficult times, like when Chelsea lost to Arsenal at the weekend. I only twatted one bloke because I knew it was God’s plan.
What do I most value about Christianity? The rules it provides on how to live an ethical life, such as ‘love thy neighbour’ meaning the white ones you already have, and not lying with mankind as it’s an abomination, and destroying Sodom. Good ethical shit.
When me and the lads mask up, that’s Christianity in action. Vicars wear all black, don’t they, apart from the collar? They intimidate their flock with threats? That’s all we’re doing, but on the streets and in a rather more literal sense. These fists are His instrument.
So as you can see, Christianity isn’t just something racists have appropriated in a superficial way. Do I actually go to church and do good deeds and so on? Yeah, I went to a wedding in 2022 and I always buy a poppy. I reckon that ticks the f**king boxes.
So the pigs can f**k off banging my door down at 8am and arresting me for throwing a bottle at a copper. I’m pissed off that an omnipotent being didn’t wipe the CCTV footage and save me a lot of aggro, but then God does move in mysterious ways.
Bernie Ecclestone had shotgun because he is a f**king geezer
Eton gets me away from the constant screaming rows, says George
PRINCE George has confirmed he is relieved to be boarding at Eton because it is an escape from his loudly dysfunctional home life.
The 13-year-old is looking forward to not falling asleep to the sound of an argument, not waking to the sound of breaking crockery at 3am, and not having to tiptoe into the kitchen for breakfast while his father sleeps off a cognac binge on the sofa.
A close friend said: “A tutor asked if he’d miss his mother and father. George laughed incredulously, then muttered ‘I’m never going back.’
“For him it’s a relief not to have to clear up the empty cans in front of the telly every afternoon. To not have to explain to his sister that no, mum’s not leaving home, she was just joking. To not have to retrieve his father’s clothes from the garden again.
“He doesn’t like to talk about it. He cried when he confessed he’d spent his Christmas money on buying Louis a new bike after his father crushed his old one reversing the car out of the drive blind drunk.
“He said as soon as he’s 18 he’s leaving his family forever. I said what about being heir to the throne, Defender of the Faith, Duke of Cornwall and Lord of the Isles. He said ‘Oh yeah.’”
Prince William said: “George! GEORGE! What do you mean he’s at school? Well in that case Charlotte can go tell her bitch of a mother I’m not speaking to her and where did she hide the TV remote.”
The Poke
James O’Brien said there were only two reasons far-right protestors wear masks and the fury he prompted made us like it even better
There was an interesting discussion on James O’Brien’s LBC show on Tuesday about face coverings and the difficulty of banning far-right protestors from wearing them. There was also a moment when the LBC man touched on why these people wear them in the first place and he could only think of two, neither of them […]
The Poke.
A Glasgow woman read the riot act to a drunken racist on the bus, and the internet cheered her to the rafters
A video originally shared by Chinese student Jack Lu, who is studying Medicine in Glasgow, with the words ‘Racial abuse on a First Bus service in Glasgow AGAIN.’, has gone wildly viral. The star of the incident is a feisty Scotswoman who stepped in to defend Jack from a drunken bigot who was subjecting him […]
The Poke.
Nick Ferrari said the RNLI had become a ‘taxi service’ for asylum seekers and got all the responses he surely deserved
To the studios of LBC where breakfast presenter Nick Ferrari has been thinking about asylum seekers in the wake of those terrifying far-right protests in the south of England this week. Many of those protestors aren’t happy with the good people of the RNLI doing their bit to safeguard people’s lives, or as Ferrari put […]
The Poke.
GB News-er Michelle Dewberry is fed up with ordinary decent folk being labelled ‘far right’ and was brutally owned into next year and back
To the studios of GB News – no, stick with us – where one-time Apprentice contestant turned GB News presenter Michelle Dewberry is fed up with ordinary, decent folk being labelled ‘far right’. Ordinary, decent folk with a fondness for going out in the middle of the night wearing balaclavas and sitting in the middle […]
The Poke.
Ted Cruz tried to defend Donald Trump’s 9/11 nonsense and accidentally said what the entire internet was thinking
You will no doubt have seen elsewhere Donald Trump’s latest fantasy of what happened to him in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks 25 years ago. But just in case … Trump claims he was basically lifted out of the rubble on 9/11: “Two fireman, big strong guys, they grabbed me under the arms — […]
The Poke.
