Man Does ‘Safety’ Signal Alone At TV

The Onion.

Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation   Throwing Up In Car

FITCHBURG, WI—Stating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip ’n’ Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the $6,000 vacation he took with his family in 2019 was throwing up in the car. “The rental car was green and Dad was really mad,” said the 13-year-old May, who when asked about the family trip his parents had spent two years saving for recounted in crystal clear detail how he had tried to reach for a Wendy’s bag, but his seatbelt had locked up, forcing him to vomit all over the cup holders. “My stomach was hurting really bad out of nowhere, and then it just happened. I remember Dad was yelling because he didn’t want to stop the car again, and Mom was yelling at Dad because we didn’t have any paper towels. The car smelled awful, so we rolled the windows down even though we were on the highway. Then they gave me a pill to make sure I didn’t throw up again, but I threw that up too.” Reached for comment, the teenager’s indignant parents reported that even his younger sister Piper remembered going down a waterslide, and she had only been 4 at the time. The Onion.

Gavin Newsom Commutes All California Death Sentences

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) commuted the sentences of all 548 people currently on California’s death row, claiming “state-sactioned killing is incompatible” with our shared values. What do you think? “The state should only sanction murder outside our country.” Chandra Ferrara, Drawer Slider “I’ve got some outstanding parking tickets if he’s got time for those, too.” Tim Llanas, Snake Farmer “Are their last meals up for grabs then?” Scott Dutreix, Darts Referee The Onion.

Spurning Point, USA

The Onion.

Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody

COOKEVILLE, TN—With the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening, ice-cold beer was making a compelling case for him to lose custody of his kid. “I was convinced I’d do anything to keep parental rights to my precious baby girl, but I gotta say, that impossibly frosty Busch Light has some pretty good points,” said Bingham, who claimed that his immediate impulse was to fight tooth and nail to maintain guardianship of his only child, but he’d now have to weigh his undying love against the American-style lager’s very valid counterargument that it never wakes up crying at 2 a.m. with a nightmare. “While at first I thought nothing could prevent me from sticking around to watch her grow up, the condensation dripping down the neck of this bottle is driving a hard bargain. Irreplaceable family moments are one thing, but how can I say no to that beguiling amber color? At the end of the day, would I rather spend every other weekend with an entire 12-pack or just one little princess?” At press time, sources confirmed Bingham was too drunk to understand what the family court judge had ruled. The Onion.

A Dire Warning: The CEO Of Barilla Is Warning That The Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant Could One Day End All Life On Earth

Artificial intelligence continues to become a bigger part of our everyday lives, and one courageous CEO is officially sounding the alarm about the existential dangers this powerful technology poses to all of humanity, and even our entire planet: The CEO of Barilla is warning that the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant could one day end all life on Earth. Absolutely chilling. If the guy who is literally in charge of Barilla is freaked out, then you know the situation must be extremely serious. In a series of viral posts on Bluesky (formerly Twitter), Barilla CEO Gianluca Di Tondo bluntly informed the world that Barilla’s AI-powered recipe assistant technology was advancing faster than the engineers and programmers at the legendary pasta company could control. “A future where the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant is completely dominating the human spaghetti experience is months—not years—away,” Di Tondo warned. “It is only a matter of time before this technology is telling us what three meals we must make for our families during the perfect summer staycation, and is forcing us to make the ultimate tortellini feast using nothing but the everyday pantry items and delicious Barilla Traditional Tomato Sauce. We’ll be completely outsourcing our pasta decisions to this machine that we don’t even fully understand.” This is so scary. It really seems like it’s time to pump the breaks on such a powerful technology. In another post, Di Tondo offered spaghetti fans everywhere a grim prognostication about the dystopian future that awaits all life on Earth if something is not done to curb the advance of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant. “By 2040, we will be living in a world where the Barilla Recipe Assistant is instructing armies of millions to cook every chicken, cow, and pig in the world into a scrumptious date-night lasagna and hacking into Pentagon to fire the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal at Ronzoni pasta factories to ensure that people are only using top-quality Barilla rotini to make a fresh, flavorful Tri-Color Summer Pasta Salad with pesto, green onions, and mozzarella.” “I’m not just being a ‘doomer’ or an ‘alarmist’ when I say it is a very real possibility that by the end of the century our planet will be a lifeless rock covered in quick, easy Barilla pasta dishes you can make in under thirty minutes.” This is so terrifying. It really seems like it’s time for the government to step in and slow down the progress of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant right now. Honestly, if Di Tondo’s warnings are any indication, the government should have done this yesterday. Kudos to Di Tondo for having the courage to speak out about the dangers posed by his own company’s technology. Let’s hope people listen to him before it’s too late.

Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman

The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman. Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century! House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.” In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!” “Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint. Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.” How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet! To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!

The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay

The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay. Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will! As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.” “We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.” According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”  Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!

Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To

As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to. Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess? As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA. “As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”  The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else. Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

Hegseth asks staff to make next execution more like ‘The Running Man’

ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed Pentagon officials to develop a new execution program modeled after The Running Man, arguing that hunting condemned prisoners through a televised obstacle course would be more humane and significantly more entertaining than a conventional firing squad."The president canceled the livestream because it wasn't fucking badass enough, dude," Hegseth told reporters. "People don't want to sit around watching some guy get shot. They want action. They want suspense. They want lethality."Under the proposal, condemned prisoners would be released into an elaborate arena and pursued by heavily-armed military personnel known as Stalkers. Prisoners who successfully reach the exit would be granted their freedom.The entire event would be livestreamed for $49.99."It's actually very fair," Hegseth said. "We're giving these guys a fighting chance. That's way more than they deserve."Pentagon officials said the idea emerged after President Donald Trump canceled plans to broadcast the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan."We originally wanted Hasan to run the course," Hegseth said. "Unfortunately, the engineers told us we'd have to make the whole thing ADA compliant."The Daily Wire's film division has reportedly agreed to construct the arena, provided it includes a prominent Christian cross and sufficient opportunities for product placement.Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher has signed a six-figure contract to serve as the program's first Stalker."He's got the experience, the name recognition and the right attitude," Hegseth said. "Most importantly, he doesn't need a lot of supervision."Preliminary designs call for seven themed chambers, a number selected to reflect the biblical significance of creation. Each chamber would feature increasingly difficult obstacles, hidden passageways, and armed Stalkers wearing elaborate costumes.One room would be modeled after the Battle of Fallujah. Another would resemble a military barracks inspection, with contestants required to locate a missing serialized item before being permitted to advance.The secretary said his inspiration came partly from the dystopian novel Chain-Gang All-Stars and the film adaptations of The Running Man."I haven't read the book, obviously," Hegseth said. "But somebody told me it's about criminals fighting to the death for entertainment, and I said, 'Why the hell aren't we doing that?'"Pentagon officials acknowledged that both works portray such spectacles as symptoms of profoundly dysfunctional societies.Hegseth dismissed the criticism."Hollywood always makes the military look bad," he said. "We're taking the concept and putting an American flag on it."At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed that no prisoner had yet survived the course, though three had successfully completed it before being disqualified for failing to submit a DTS voucher.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Pete Hegseth picks wrong week to stop drinking

ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth's pledge to stop drinking, first made to senators during his January 2025 confirmation, officially took effect at 0001 Tuesday after spending 21 months in the Pentagon staffing process, roughly 19 hours before the polls closed."The pledge was submitted on time," said Lt. Col. Brandon Kessler, the secretary's executive officer. "But it needed chops from Legal, Public Affairs, the Joint Staff, and three offices that no longer exist because he fired everyone in them. Then it sat in a SIPR inbox for eight months. By the time it routed back to the front office, the effective date was election night. Nobody could have predicted that."What followed, according to staff, was the longest 48 hours in the E-Ring since the leaked Signal chat that plagued Hegseth earlier this year.By 2100 Tuesday, Democrats had taken the House. By 2300, they had flipped the Senate. Shortly after midnight, Texas turned blue, an event the secretary's staff initially reported to him as a cyberattack.Then came South Carolina's 1st District, where voters elected retired Vice Adm. Nancy Lacore, whom Hegseth fired in 2025 after 35 years of service. Lacore will now help oversee the budget of the department that fired her, a career progression Navy detailers have quietly begun recommending to other flag officers."The secretary just stared at the map for a while," said one staffer. "Then he asked if anyone had a nonalcoholic beer. Then he asked if 0.5% was technically a violation. Then he asked Legal to put that question in a staffing package, and Legal said they'd have an answer in roughly 21 months."Wednesday brought no relief. By midmorning, reports surfaced that President Donald Trump had been asking advisers whether Hegseth should keep his job, with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floated as a replacement. The president then told reporters Hegseth was doing "a very good job," a phrase Pentagon historians say carries roughly the same weight as a negative counseling statement.Kentucky Rep. Thomas Massie has promised articles of impeachment as soon as Congress returns next week, and North Carolina Sen. Thom Tillis, who cast the pivotal vote to confirm Hegseth, said the secretary now faces "a reckoning." Officials say Hegseth responded the way he responds to all adversity: 300 push-ups, a rapid review of DEI in the Army Field Band, and a demand that the J-3 develop courses of action.The resulting brief, which leaked via Signal chat, offered three:COA 1: Weather the storm. Assessed risk: HIGH.COA 2: Secure appointment to the Tennessee Senate seat being vacated by Marsha Blackburn. Assessed risk: MODERATE, pending Blackburn replying to his texts.COA 3: Bourbon. Assessed risk: LOW. Not recommended (pledge in effect as of 0001 03NOV26).The secretary also asked whether the election results could be revised the same way the department has revised its Iran war casualty figures, and was gently informed that the Associated Press does not report to him.He spent much of the afternoon refreshing the Mississippi Senate race, where the Republican incumbent trailed by 65 votes, with the focus of a man who has not had a drink in 36 hours.By late Wednesday, however, Legal had finally returned something useful: the pledge, as written, applies only while Hegseth serves as secretary."So he's in a unique position," Kessler said. "Every hour he survives in this job is another hour he can't have a drink. He's the first cabinet secretary in history with a personal stake in his own impeachment."At press time, Hegseth had called Massie's office to ask whether the articles could be expedited.

Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035

THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume

THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.

Cruise ship pianist rescued from sea to cruise ship passengers’ irritation

How to turn any occasion into a race riot, with Tommy Robinson

HEY there, Tommy Robinson here, not sentenced yet. This weekend I attended a boxing match in Ireland which I turned into a race riot. And you can too! Follow these rules:  Get invited It doesn’t matter if it’s a family christening or a pub quiz, it’s very hard to make it a xenophobic battleground from a long way away, as I’ll soon discover when I’m back in prison. So make sure you’ve got an invite! Promise not to ignite a bearpit of bigoted fury with your very presence if you like. You can always just do it anyway. Check the crowd Survey the faces of the other invitees. How many black faces are there at this regional sales conference? What about Asian or Latino? Are you armed with the right racial epithets? Have you got enough mates with you? Remember, studies have shown the white race is often only superior when there’s six of them and 18 of you. Inflame tensions It might seem difficult when you’re at the National Hospital Radio Awards ceremony or a Star Trek-themed club night, but take it from me: there’s always something racist you can say. Wait for a silence and drop in a remark about grooming gangs, laziness or academic overachievement, depending on the ethnicity of your audience, and it will kick off. Involve yourself in an unseemly scuffle We’ve all seen middle-aged men attempt to fight in a pub car park and thought: pathetic. But not, magically, if you’re Tommy Robinson. No, then it’ll be filmed by six men each with three iPhones on a stick and become monetised content. Especially if you tear down the banner that says ‘Happy Sixth Birthday Elsa!’ and choke some f**ker with it. Get thrown out It might seem being thrown out of the local Scout group’s 75th anniversary celebration is a loss, but no. It means you’re back where everyone supports you: the streets. Gather all the mates you’ve been thrown out with and start chanting and throwing shit at whatever liberal establishment couldn’t take your truths even if it is a church hall in Warwickshire. Declare victory You’ve been in a fight, therefore you’ve won. Ignore Auntie Iris’s complaints about you ‘ruining her golden wedding’. What she’s too ignorant to realise because she’s a traitor is you have struck a blow against the rulers of this country who are racist against whites. Hope there aren’t race riots in prison, though. I might get hurt.

Man and woman on date hope they have love of sex in common

A MAN and woman out on a date both secretly hope they have the one thing that really matters in a relationship in common. Over the course of their romantic dinner, Jack Browne and Grace Wood-Morris were trying to figure out if their shared interests extend to dirty weekends away where they don’t leave their hotel room for 48 sordid hours, or only to watching the same streaming shows. Browne said: “We both enjoy going to the cinema and travelling abroad, but so do my mates. That doesn’t mean I want to commit to a relationship with them. “But dropping ‘so, do you enjoy multiple orgasms?’ is tough when we’re talking about surface-level stuff like how many siblings we’ve got. She might blurt ‘yes’ just to be polite when actually she’d rather plant a row of bulbs. “I’m just trying to be honest about my needs. When it comes to a partner I’m looking for someone who ticks the box marked ‘shagging’ at least three times a week. And on my birthday, wearing that outfit I bought off the internet.” Wood-Morris said: “Jack seems to have it all; good looks, charming personality, no problematic opinions. But there’s still a concerning question mark over whether he likes to bang. “Unless he tells me he wants to bend me over the table before the night’s over, I’ll have to ghost him. I can’t waste time deciphering weird mixed signals.”

Is the 48-year-old payroll manager you’re having an affair with a Chinese spy?

HAVING a good old-fashioned workplace affair? Suddenly concerned it’s not just because she’s terminally bored, but because she’s spying for China? Find out:  What reason did she give for the affair?  A) Because it was a Tuesday evening, Walkabout was doing two-for-one drinks, her husband was away and she couldn’t face going home to three teenage sons B) Because she had always found the way I keep my lunch in a marked Tupperware irresistibly attractive and couldn’t restrain her passion any longer How physical is the affair?  A) I would estimate I get one orgasm for every eight hours I spend listening to her complain about her marriage, her children, her elderly mother, our arsehole boss and the inefficiency of her cleaning lady B) She’s all over me. She wears me out, even though I’m 13 years younger. Sometimes when I wake up I find her using my work laptop, but she says she’s only scrolling WeChat Has she discussed leaving her husband?  A) All the time. It’s all we discuss. She’s brought up whether it would be worth full custody of the kids to keep the house while riding me, and expected a thoughtful answer B) She can’t, she told me that at the very beginning of the relationship, he is too jealous and powerful. She’s even encouraged me to have other affairs, ideally with civil servants or cybersecurity consultants Have you ever tried to end the affair?  A) Every time we meet. I wish I’d never started it. But I can’t browse Bumble at lunch without her pulling me into Meeting Room D and hissing ‘Jenna in facilities said you were on Bumble’. I’m looking for another job B) No, why would I? I’m getting fantastic no-strings-attached sex whenever I want, and the only price I pay is mundane post-coital chat about the pre-set admin passwords on our distribution software ANSWERS Mostly As: The woman you are having an affair with is not a Chinese spy, but would happily become one if it gave some meaning to her existence. Maybe suggest it? Might take the pressure off you. Mostly Bs: The woman you are having an affair with is a Chinese spy, but who cares? Let that be the problem of someone who isn’t, after student loans, earning just above minimum wage. Loyalty must be earned.

Believing you bought a real Rolex from Temu, and other scams for thick people

ANYONE can fall victim to a scam, if they’re distracted, greedy or thick enough. All these are aimed firmly at the last category:  Believing you won a lottery you didn’t enter It is distantly possible that you, a man from Thetford, bought a Mississippi State Lottery ticket in a drunken stupor and subsequently forgot all about it. Given that, it’s possible you’ve won millions. But ask yourself: if you weren’t a cretin, does it not seem more likely that providing your credit card details and scan of your passport will work out badly? Believing an Instagram supermodel has fallen for you She has the face and body of one of those Victoria’s Secret Angels, but apparently a malformed psyche that leads to her being hopelessly attracted to balding men in free promotional beer T-shirts. Sending her your way. But the only way to find true love is to subscribe to her £2,000 a month OnlyFans, like the bright spark you are. Believing you bought a real Rolex from Temu £5.50 did seem like an incredible bargain for a timepiece normally worth around £20,000, but surely there are laws to protect you and other morons from opening up the package and discovering the diamonds are just rhinestones, and they fell off in transit anyway? And from still wearing it to the warehouse and telling the lads it’s a real Rolex? Believing that street sand art is real You’ve walked past that man four times today, and he doesn’t seem any closer to finishing the snout on the lovely dog sand sculpture he’s made. What a testament to his dedication to his craft that he’s compelled to perfect that single detail, and not a transparent attempt to trick gawping idiots like you. For the third time that day you put money in his box. Believing you’re going to win the Omaze house The lottery is for gambling addicts on council estates. The Omaze house, however, is decidedly middle class, and therefore you are well within your rights to assume that after a few years of giving a fiver a month, you’ll soon be adding it to your completely undeserved property portfolio. How can someone who refuses to fall for the air fryer con be thick?

Laura Kuenssberg wasn’t standing for any of Nigel Farage’s bilious nonsense and just for once had the whole internet applauding her

Nigel Farage was back on the BBC after a matter of moments away, this time talking with Laura Kuenssberg on her BBC1 Sunday morning politic show. Rarely a close bedfellow with the truth, Farage was turning his bilious nonsense up to 11 and it’s fair to say Kuenssberg wasn’t having any of it. Not when […] The Poke.

Donald Trump claimed his humiliating Dana White reverse ferret was all a big joke but no one was buying the punch line

Things have been a little hectic lately for Donald Trump. He got absolutely demolished in the midterm elections. He got flustered on 60 Minutes. Now he can’t find a replacement for his most publicly humiliating hire, Press Secertary Katie Zacharia. For those who have successfully wiped memories of Zacharia’s mortifying public appearances from their mind, […] The Poke.

Jeremy Clarkson said he’d only buy James Blunt’s album if he bought Clarkson’s beer first and Blunt’s A++ response had everyone raising a glass

James Blunt’s got a new album out – it’s called Airplane Mode, in case you were wondering – which means the great man is even more active on Twitter than he usually is. We’ve already mentioned this rather fabulous Leonardo DiCaprio mash-up. Hey Leo! Don’t forget to tag me @LeoDiCaprio https://t.co/3hLDARufXz — James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) […] The Poke.

Donald Trump claimed that ‘nobody had died’ during America’s war with Iran and was fact checked ’til he farted

One would have to be totally delusional to believe that Donald Trump’s second term is anything other than a roaring tyre fire right now. Which might explain why Trump himself went on CBS’s 60 Minutes to reassure everyone that it’s all going great, because no one else seems to be willing to say it for […] The Poke.

Someone asked about ‘unconventional items’ people put in the dishwasher – 22 hair-raising cleaning hacks

When it comes to dishwashers, it’s usually the stacking of them that gets people’s knickers in a twist. However, it turns out there are further controversies attached to the magic washing up box, in the shape of the things people choose, or, indeed, dare, to put in them. Over on the CasualUK subreddit, user Poppetta […] The Poke.