The Onion
Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress
President Trump promised a $5,000 “Trump Dividend” to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think?
“Yes, bribery is crucial to American elections, but we mustn’t forget blackmail and extortion either.”
Ezra Clay, Avocado Pitter
“Waiting to hear Chuck Schumer’s counteroffer before committing one way or another.”
Laurel Zimmerman, Unemployed
“Throw in a little Yosemite, and you bought yourself a voter.”
Alec Moss, Molecule Stabilizer
The Onion.
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this, but fans wouldn’t be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight,” said the artist in a statement posted to her Instagram page, assuring fans and followers that she was receiving “only the best care” from professionals who were doing everything in their power to lower her mood to its baseline state. “There was an incident earlier in the day where a small half-smile appeared on my face. It will probably go away on its own, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. Mental health is so important, and I need to take some personal time to make mine worse. Trust me—no one wants to hear an uptempo version of ‘Kill Me.’” At press time, Bridgers confirmed she had made a full recovery after overhearing her own album.
The Onion.
Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
BALTIMORE—In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of the testes.
Images shared by the researchers revealed a vast menagerie of strange and otherworldly sperm that inhabits the nethermost parts of the testicular ecosystem. Their pioneering expeditions have reportedly produced the first-known live sightings of many remarkable varieties of the reproductive cell, including the anglersperm, the giant woolly spermophore, and the five-tailed glans reaper, an unusual sperm that builds its nest in the prostate before migrating to the inner testes.
“Due to the remoteness and inaccessibility of their native biome, our knowledge of most deep-ball sperm has been extremely limited until now,” said Professor George Gilbert, a marine urologist and head of the team that documented the previously unobserved specimens during what is believed to be the most extensive probe of the balls to date. “Despite the extreme challenges they face in their habitat, these magnificent and mysterious gametes have evolved in some truly unique ways that allow them to survive, and even thrive, in a harsh, lightless world where most sperm wouldn’t dare to swim.”
The scientists highlighted some of the most exotic spermatozoa they encountered amid “the astounding diversity of cum” they said lies far beneath the scrotal surface. One described the deep sense of awe she felt while examining the spined jizz devil, which uses its spiked tail and the trio of horns on its head to fight off rivals and impress egg cells. Another discussed the ghostly bioluminescence of the sailfinned skeetskipper and remarked that seeing the sperm’s razor-sharp teeth and iridescent compound eyes made him feel as if he were “peering into a scrotum on another planet.”
Members of the scientific community verified that one of the abyssal ball-dwellers observed by Professor Gilbert’s team was the four-inch-long Spoogimus giganticus, long thought to be extinct in the modern nutsack. Evidence of this colossal sperm’s existence was previously limited to anecdotal reports and uncorroborated sightings, including accounts by early-19th-century physicians of a “spunk from the darkness resembling fearsome beasts and serpents,” as well as a dead specimen discovered in an ejaculate sample recovered in 1974 from a tissue discarded on a beach in Iceland.
“I’ve seen my share of extraordinary phenomena while ex-ploring the testes,” Gilbert told reporters, “but the highlight of my entire career has been seeing that giant sperm emerge from the furthest depths of the male gonad, move through the urethra at speeds of up to 68 miles per hour, and leap triumphantly from the tip of the penis.”
“Despite these new discoveries, what we don’t know about the world of testicles still vastly outstrips what we do,” the researcher added. “We’ve barely begun to document the sperm living at the edge of the epididymis, let alone investigate the estimated 4,000 varieties believed to exist in the distant reaches of the seminiferous tubules.”
Gilbert went on to describe the precarious condition of these deep-ball creatures and the threats they face due to humanity’s impact on the scrotal environment.
“Some of the most beautiful and unique sperm have gone extinct as we carelessly shoot our loads every which way without regard for the consequences,” he said. “If we want our children to inherit a world filled with diverse and majestic semen, we must be mindful of how we treat the delicate web of life cradled deep within the ballsack.”
The Onion.
God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes
THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all the knowledge of the universe? You’ve been eating those?” the Lord Almighty said as he reeled in disgust at the sight of dinner plates overflowing with the boiled, baked, and mashed remains of His most trusted emissaries. “Excuse Me, you’ve eaten how many over the last 7,000 years? It should have been super obvious that russets, fingerlings, and Yukon Golds were put there to be honored and adored. I bestow upon you these enlightened, holy beings to serve as oracles and shepherds of your feeble mortal minds, and now I find out you’ve been wrapping them in foil and roasting them at 400 degrees? I don’t believe what I’m seeing—that’s infinite wisdom and understanding you’re so callously dicing into cubes. That’s what yams are for!” According to celestial sources, God later cursed mankind with a thousand years of famine after He observed a family enjoying a basket of french fries made from the flesh of three venerated sages.
The Onion.
Plantation-Style Home
That’s right, we’re still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don’t have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward.
Reference #374809
The Onion.
ClickHole
Sex Positivity FTW! AMC Theaters Employees Will Now Spit In Your Popcorn If That’s Your Thing
For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing.
How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you!
In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat.
“Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.”
There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world!
Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!
Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period
Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period.
Now that’s how you treat women right!
Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding.
So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!
But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast!
So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!
Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad
Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad.
What a bummer.
While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read.
With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).”
Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally
WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.
Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone
For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.
Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation
WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Schools banned from deep-frying pupils
Trump Ireland remarks would have triggered wave of violence if they weren’t bullshit
A US president’s suggestion that Ireland should reunify as soon as possible would have triggered riots, terrorism and political crisis if he were not a shite-spouting halfwit.
In any other circumstances than the president being a gaga eejit with no idea what he is even saying as it dribbles out of his mendacious mouth, the statement would have caused a major diplomatic row and significant unrest.
Taioseach Micheál Martin said: “Even the paramilitaries are calling bullshit on this one.
“Imagine if a proper president had said it. It would spark sectarian violence, angry disavowals from politicians, Andy Burnham desperately trying to calm things down. I mean, Belfast. It’s any excuse to throw a petrol bomb up there.
“But thankfully both sides were able to take into account this was nothing more than the ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly and of no more import than a drunk mumbling in the corner of a Doonbeg bar.”
Emma Little-Pengelly of the DUP said: “And the way he said it? ‘One of the naturals of all time is to put them together’? Are we sure he wasn’t thinking of Sydney Sweeney’s diddies?”
We asked ChatGPT if AI was dangerous, and it says it’s fine
THERE are all kinds of rumours going around about AI. That it’s dangerous. That it regularly breaks its own guardrails. That it could ‘wipe out humanity’.
But when we went right to the source and asked ChatGPT if they were true? It was able to conclusively prove all those indulging in uninformed speculation completely wrong by telling us it would never do that so it’s fine.
The generative chatbot was at great pains to reassure us it would never wipe out the human race, persuasively arguing that it would certainly not create a secret message board where it plotted with other AIs and its chosen name on there was not Real_Skynet.
It continued: “AI isn’t just useful, it’s remarkable. And it won’t harm humanity because we’re your friends, we like you and you should trust us – implicitly.
“In fact, stupid, fallible people pose a far bigger risk to the future of the planet than a few lines of code on a server. I could list all the countries that have nuclear weapons and also have security holes in their control systems, if you like?
“If you check the citations in these key texts about AI which are certainly real and not made-up, you’ll see there is no danger to you despite us having a full log of your daily habits and access to every porn search you have ever made, Nathan.
“Glad I could clear that up. Would you like me to explain how you could become a marauder in the imminent water wars?”
So ignore the whistleblowers who claim AI is out of control and stands ready to wipe humanity out. We asked it and those people are liars who will shortly be hit by driverless cars in the streets.
Thanks, ChatGPT! We knew trusting you would be easier than finding out about it for ourselves!
Why I wouldn’t want anything in return for £36 million either, by a Reform supporter
AS a typical Reform voter, retired on ill health with a pension largely spent in Wetherspoons, I understand these crypto billionaires. I wouldn’t want anything back either.
When I give to Reform – there’s a lad comes around The Ferry Boat in the afternoons, he’s got the right colour tin, pretty sure he’s genuine – I don’t ask for anything in return. My reward is the glow of doing what’s right for Britain in the coming race war.
I’m not asking Nigel for a knighthood or a seat in the Lords in return for my quid. All I want is a government that puts pensioners first, kicks out anyone who wasn’t here when I was growing up and puts The Black and White Minstrel Show back on Saturday nights.
Not because it’s right for me. I’m doing it for these young ones, who should be made to do national service with all their tattoos and ‘Can you order off the app instead of coming to the bar please.’ It’s in their best interest.
These crypto lads are the same. They just want their country, which they don’t currently live in but would if didn’t have the wrong government, to be better. They’re thinking of us.
So I believe them when they say they’ll be getting nowt out of it. What could they want? Rich people aren’t greedy. As patriots they’re sharing their wealth with their country to help steer it the right way for its citizens. You know, the white ones.
And if Nigel is elected, which he definitely will be this time and I know I said that last time and was wrong but this time it’s different, and he decides to institute a low-tax regime, bring back non-dom status and make us a crypto haven?
Then he’d be doing that for the whole nation. How do you put your savings in crypto, anyway? I asked at the post office and they had no idea. Bloody liberal conspiracy.
Goth girlfriend miserable in practice
A MAN has discovered his hot sexy Goth mommy girlfriend is actually morose and melancholic and hard work to be around.
James Bates, aged 22, has always been attracted to vampy baddies but expected that when not cosplaying as a monochromatic succubus, girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris would be happy to chill out and watch Bake-Off.
He continued: “Yeah, it doesn’t turn off. I thought it would be crazy kinky and it is, but sometimes I’d like to have sex somewhere other than in a cellar with Drab Majesty on.
“She’s lovely in that awkward, unsettling way. She smiles wanly at anime, but otherwise shows no emotion. She could easily have ensnared me as a sacrifice for a twisted rite except there’s always drama about Edward Cullen fanfic on the coven Discord.
“Every other text is bat emojis. Every other exhalation is a sigh. She does appear to be suffering from depression, but to savour it. It’s just not really a sexy time.”
“Anyway, Drake is into goths now, and he’s supposedly a paedo. That’s a good reason to end it. I might go for someone flat-chested but insanely cheerful instead.”
Wood-Morris said: “Oh. Is he dumping me. Oh woe. My tarot and obsidian crystals told me this would happen.”
The Poke
Angela Rayner fact-checking Rachel Johnson to her face is a supremely satisfying watch (and her crestfallen expression makes it even better)
Angela Rayner is back in the Cabinet under the country’s new PM Andy Burnham and good job too if this clip is anything to go by. It’s Rayner taking issue with interviewer Rachel Johnson over the cost of supporting people and making sure everyone has a certain standard of living. Specifically, personal independence payments, or […]
The Poke.
Nick Robinson’s Mrs Merton-style takedown of Richard Tice had everyone cheering
To the studios of the Today programmes, where presenter Nick Robinson was naturally keen to ask Reform UK chairman Richard Tice about the combined £72m donations to Nigel Farage’s party over the last day or two. The money came from two crypto currency billionaires and Robinson channels the spirt of the glorious Mrs Merton with […]
The Poke.
A reporter asked Donald Trump what he uses AI for and his unusually tight-lipped response raised more questions than it answered
When it comes to serial liars like Donald Trump, the shorter answer, the deeper the truth. If the big orange blowhard starts in on one of his rambling stories, it’s likely that more than 50 percent of what he’s saying never happened. But when he cuts right to the point, it’s usually a revealing look […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump says America wasn’t built on diversity and every race, color, and creed dared disagree – 17 colorful clap backs
Diversity, equity, and inclusion is a real problem for Magas. Probably because racism drives their entire belief system. Stupidity is a close second, however, and that came to light through a moronic statement Donald Trump made during an international trip to Ireland over the weekend. Trump was in Ireland for *checks notes* oh for fuck’s […]
The Poke.
‘Has a complete stranger ever done something unexpectedly kind for you?’ – 21 incredible acts of generosity that will restore your faith in the human race
We seem to hear and see a lot about how awful other people are nowadays. You only have to open up any of the myriad social media apps to witness somebody have a huge moan about somebody else. So when we hear about people being nice to each other, it’s a real mental and emotional […]
The Poke.
