The Onion
McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil
A McDonald’s employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think?
“Is my Ranch Snack Wrap coming or not?”
Krista Giffee, Syrup Stirrer
“It’s easy to mistake your colleague for a French fry after a long shift.”
Lyle Seeds, Cabinet Sander
“That’s why you should always check how hot your oil is before you throw it on someone.”
Gene Valenti, Jingle Singer
The Onion.
Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners
SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic paper portfolios as a foolproof way for men to conceal their awkward, shameful erections without needing a prescription from a doctor or a visit to the school supply section of Target. “Whether you’ve taken too many of our patented ED meds and are suffering from perma-wood that will not go down or just saw a pretty lady at the grocery store, take our quiz today to find out if a quarter-inch-thick piece of folded cardstock is right for setting on your lap when aroused in public. While there is not currently an FDA-approved treatment for getting hard at work during a meeting about quarterly revenue targets right before you have to stand up to present, this off-label use of a plain, navy-blue folder is a perfectly safe and effective solution that will last for hours when held properly in front of your groin area. Made of all-natural materials that will never irritate your skin as you blush and blurt out, ‘Wait! Don’t come any closer!’” At press time, Hims had also announced an extra-strength file cabinet version of the erection hider for severely titillated men to stand behind.
The Onion.
Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week
MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. “Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire and tossed them at ICE agents the other day, and I won $5 in our game!” said Peters, adding that her “lucky roll” of three sixes was the “highlight” of a lively Friday spent drinking mojitos and immolating masked federal immigration officers. “Did any of the agents die? Oh, I don’t know, sweetie. I didn’t really stick around long enough to notice. Sandra stabbed one of those fellas in the throat, I think, and he didn’t get up. But like I was saying, I’ll be hosting bunco next week, and you should come! We need someone to fill in for Leslie after she threw out her back tossing that Molotov. Can I write you in as a ‘maybe?’” At press time, Peters insisted that if Miles couldn’t make it for bunco, he should at least join them for making pipe bombs.
The Onion.
The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History
Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken.
Randy Johnson
In 2002, the Big Unit shattered the MLB record for most birds killed by a starting pitcher in a regular-season game when his fastball exploded over 43 pigeons.
Tom Brady
The legendary Patriots quarterback won a record seven Super Bowls, which is easily the most Super Bowls ever won by a divorced man.
American Pharoah
In a feat many claim is more impressive than his Triple Crown win, the thoroughbred clinched horse racing’s record for most jockeys eaten when he devoured four adult men in a single paddock attack.
Deion Sanders
Prime Time remains the only athlete in history to hit a home run, score a touchdown, and give up 33 goals as an NHL goalie in the same week, a display of cross-sport dominance that will almost certainly never be matched.
John Isner and Nicolas Mahut
In 2010, Isner and Mahut made tennis history after a spectator snuck a non-Newtonian time dilator into the stadium and their first-round Wimbledon match lasted over 400 years.
CC Sabathia
This Hall of Famer holds baseball’s all-time record for most sunflower-seed shells trapped in a neck roll, with 183.
Ken Griffey Sr. and Ken Griffey Jr.
The pair jointly holds the professional sports record for most time spent by a father-son duo discreetly glimpsing each other’s penises in the locker-room shower, with a cumulative 259 minutes—255 minutes longer than active leaders LeBron and Bronny James.
O.J. Simpson
No other athlete has won both the Heisman Trophy and an acquittal for stabbing his ex-wife 12 times.
The Onion.
Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos’ Human Chessboard
MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound. “We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the condition of anonymity, claiming that human chess pieces are expected to stand motionless for more than eight hours at a time on the board’s three-by-three-foot squares and cannot move until Bezos or his opponent orders them to. “Many times, we’ve had to resort to urinating in plastic bottles inside our giant pawn costumes. Sometimes we’re out there for days because he’s away at one of his other properties, but there are cameras everywhere and he’ll dock our pay if we so much as flinch. The only time you’re allowed to be off your feet is when another piece knocks you over.” Reached for comment, an Amazon spokesperson denied the allegations, noting that employees are free to move one or two squares forward during their shift and receive plenty of exercise on occasions when one piece takes another and Bezos forces them to participate in choreographed battles to the death.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That
Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that.
Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry!
“We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.”
It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it!
In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision.
“We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.”
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
“Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.”
United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account
Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!
Grandpa’s 4 Least Successful Attempts At Becoming An Influencer
As we all know, Grandpa has long dreamed of becoming an influencer and has been trying for years to make it happen. He’s never really come close, but some of his attempts have been worse than others. Here are Grandpa’s four least successful attempts at becoming an influencer.
1. The Time Grandpa Tried To Make A YouTube Channel Dedicated To Raising The Dead
One of Grandpa’s biggest influencer misfires was when he started a channel called Conquering Death With Grandpa Sal, a YouTube channel where he tried to raise the dead. There were endless problems with this channel right from the get-go. First of all, Grandpa thought the way to raise the dead was by clipping alligator clamps for jumpstarting cars onto the corpses’ hands and then starting his car. This didn’t bring the corpses back to life, but it did make them jiggle around and catch on fire. Grandpa’s catchphrase for the channel was, “If they move at all, then they’re back from the dead,” which did not end up catching on even though he ended every video with it. Worst of all, Grandpa got the corpses for this channel by digging them up from the local cemetery, which was extremely illegal.
The channel received 1400 views in total over 600 videos, and he got arrested three times before he finally gave up.
2. The Time Grandpa Made People Fight To The Death To Win A Car That Wasn’t His To Give Away
Grandpa got really into Mr. Beast during the pandemic, and he was particularly inspired by the crazy contests Mr. Beast would do where contestants would compete for amazing prizes like Lamborghinis and mansions. In an attempt to jump-start his own influencer career, Grandpa started a YouTube channel which, in an attempt to game Google algorithms for people searching for the real Mr. Beast, he called “Mr. Old Grandfather Beast The Animal Mr. Contest.” In his first video, he made two strangers fight to the death and told them that the last man standing would win a Volkswagen Beetle.
The two men fought each other and one killed the other. Then Grandpa knocked on the door of the house where the Volkswagen was parked. A woman answered the door and Grandpa said, “Hello, I’m Mr. Contest, the Beast’s Animal Grandfather. This man just murdered someone and he won your car. Give it to him, please.” The woman looked at the contest winner, covered in blood and standing over the mangled corpse of the man he’d just killed. Then she said, “No, I need my car,” and closed the door. Grandpa shuttered the YouTube channel the next day.
3. The Time Grandpa Tried To Complete A 48-Hour Long Mukbang Marathon Livestream
Grandpa knew that the mukbang videos where people ate on camera were incredibly popular. He also knew that marathon livestreams were incredibly popular. He decided that if combined these two influencer trends, it would be a guaranteed path to fame and fortune. So Grandpa made a livestream video where he ate food on camera for 48 hours straight. He opened a donation tab and said that the money would go toward “helping the angry.” Unfortunately, the only food that Grandpa had on the stream were ingredients for tuna sandwiches.
After about 12 hours of eating tuna sandwich after tuna sandwich, Grandpa started to feel sick, but he had to keep going. Thousands of sandwiches later, Grandpa still had over 20 hours of eating left to do, and he had only raised $9 for the angry. He started begging the 20 viewers on his stream to let him stop, but they all commented, “No.” So he had to keep going. At hour 41, with just seven hours left to go, Grandpa fell face first into a pile of tuna sandwiches and slipped into a coma. The comments on the stream kept saying things like, “Eat more,” and “Coward, you are not done.” The stream continued for another seven hours until Grandma finally came into Grandpa’s office, turned off the webcam and called an ambulance. She told the ambulance to “drive here slowly.” Grandpa eventually made a full recovery.
4. The Time Grandpa Tried To Do Parkour And Disappeared Into The Sky
Grandpa made a YouTube channel called “Royal Parkour Of Grandpa.” In his first video, he ran toward a wall and jumped. He kept going up and up and up into the sky and never came down.
5 Common Scams That Fraudsters Use To Get You To Mail Them Your Eyeballs
Eyeball fraud is one of the top one hundred types of fraud currently happening online. In order to protect your peepers from digital eyeball thieves, it’s important to recognize the strategies they use to trick innocent people like you. Here are five common scams that fraudsters use to get you to mail them your eyeballs.
1. They Send You An Email With The Subject Line “Gonna Need Your Eyes…”
Let’s be clear: anyone who needs your eyeballs for a legitimate reason will ALWAYS put the reason they need them in the subject line of an email. Sometimes your doctor might send you an email with the subject line, “Mail Me Your Eyeballs So I Can Wash Them,” or your priest might send you an email with a subject line that says, “Give Me Your Eyes So I Can Throw Them At The Devil.” In these cases, the clarity is a good sign: you are probably not getting scammed.
BUT, If the subject line just says, “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” and the body of the email says something like, “You do not need to understand why your eyeballs must be mine. Please mail them to me as fast as anyone ever could,” then this is a red flag for sure. It’s almost a guarantee that this person wants your eyeballs for nefarious reasons unrelated to the health and security of you and your community.
2. They Claim You’ve Been Selected For An “Eyeball Exchange”
If you get a phone call or email from someone you’ve never met before claiming that you have been selected for something called an “Eyeball Exchange,” there’s a really good chance you are being targeted by an eyeball fraudster. The person on the phone might explain that you have been chosen to trade eyeballs with a famous person like Christian Slater or Matthew Rhys. They’ll say all you need to do is mail them your eyeballs and in the next five to six weeks you’ll receive a celebrity’s eyeballs in the mail that you can use as your own. Nine times out of ten, you are being tricked. You will never get Matthew Rhys’s eyeballs. They will have your eyeballs, and you will have empty eye sockets that you’ll need to fill with olives or golf balls.
3. They Send You A Postage Paid Box With The Words “Put Both Of Your Eyeballs In Here” On It
It might seem really convenient that these people have already paid for the postage to mail them your eyeballs, but think about what’s happening here: They haven’t told you WHO they are, or WHY they need your eyeballs. This is a major sign that they are trying to defraud you. They don’t want your eyeballs for any good reason. They’re just trying to steal from you.
4. They Take Out A Billboard Near Your House That Has An Address On It Assuming You’ll See It And Mail Your Eyes There
Sometimes you’ll be driving on a road near your house, and you’ll see a billboard that has nothing on it except a mailing address. Your first instinct might be to think, “That’s an awesome address. I should take out my eyeballs and mail them there.” While this might seem like the natural thing to do, you should definitely think twice. That billboard was most likely put there by criminals who want to trick you into mailing them your eyeballs for nefarious purposes, and as easy as it would be to send your eyeballs to their address, it might not be the best choice for you and your future health.
5. They Text You That The IRS Needs Your Eyes Or The Country Will Go Bankrupt
This should be common knowledge in our day and age, but the Internal Revenue Service will never text you demanding your eyeballs. If the IRS needs your eyes, they will send the President of the United States to your home to request them in person. So if you get a text from someone claiming to represent the IRS telling you that you need to send your eyeballs to the agency as soon as possible or else the United States will go bankrupt, you should immediately recognize this as a lie. On the other hand, if the president comes to your house and says, “It’s me, Donald Trump or Joe Biden or whoever is president right now, and this country needs you to put your eyeballs in my trouser pockets,” you should go ahead and do that, because that’s a real emergency eyeball situation and your country needs you.
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems
ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile
AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.
Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans
NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Daily Mash
Weird that we need a trigger, admit racists
Zoos unveil World Cup-predicting animals
ZOOKEEPERS have revealed the 412 animals who will successfully predict the results of this year’s World Cup.
The animals hope to follow in the footsteps of 2010’s Paul the Octopus in a competition pundits predict will be far more intense and interesting than the actual games.
Wayne Hayes of London Zoo said: “Brett the zebra, with the uncanny ability to see the future granted to all African equids, has this World Cup locked up.
“All other animals can frankly piss off.”
But Mary Fisher of Edinburgh Zoo retorted: “Zebras know f**k all about football otherwise they wouldn’t wear Newcastle strips.
“You want astounding predictions from an in-vogue mammal, check out the prescient picks from Mairead the capybara, who’s got a 3-2 victory for France in extra time. Sponsored by Bet365.”
A spokesman for Berlin Zoological Garden said: “Mairead couldn’t even guess the winner of the Scottish Premier League out of Celtic or Celtic.
“She should stick to being disquietingly oversized vermin and leave the punditry to Gottlieb the giant anaconda, who tells us who the winner is by eating rats painted with national flags.”
Other prophetic animals include Barry the box jellyfish, Elmer the spot-breasted ibis, Chiyo the Thompson’s gazelle and Stephen the slime-mould from Braintree Spore Park.
Paul the Octopus, after successfully picking Spain as the winners in 2010, enjoyed sudden fame and embarked on a world tour before dying in the arms of a Las Vegas stripper.
How to put a nice positive spin on race riots, by Britain’s press
CARS and homes were set ablaze by riots in Belfast last night. But for reasons some newspapers broadly approve of, which is why they get this spin:
It was definitely an asylum seeker this time
While describing the terrible riots, underline that on this occasion the attacker wasn’t inconveniently born here or from a racial group you’d unwittingly failed to previously demonise, but an actual asylum seeker and what’s more, one who’d exploited a loophole. Leave these facts next to pictures of burning homes, casually.
The migrants’ homes that were attacked were taxpayer-funded
Obviously nobody wants masked men with weapons going door-to-door to find anyone with the wrong skin colour. But it is worth mentioning, just by the by, that some of those innocents threatened with death are living in properties where the council pays their rent. Or not. In case that changes your views on death threats at all.
Refer non-judgementally to ‘fury’
Funny thing, ‘fury’, isn’t it? Because when it’s felt by the wrong people, for example in riots that are about a police shooting, then it’s unjustifiable and should be punished with punitive sentencing to set an example. But in these particular riots, in response to a horrific attempted murder, ‘fury’ is understandable, or even appropriate. We should not condemn.
Quote your preferred sources
All the politicians will be quoted, even the Northern Irish ones most decent Britons have rightly never heard of. Most of them will be against the violence. But if you can find a brave few unafraid of standing out of the crowd? Perhaps Rupert Lowe, or Robert Jenrick, or even Kemi Badenoch? Shame Tommy Robinson’s in Russia.
Have a sudden shift of attitude toward Northern Irish men in balaclavas
For years they’ve been the enemy, terrorists, friends of Jeremy Corbyn, unjustifiably taking our poor soldiers to court for Bloody Sunday and the like. But today, those figures are not to be so easily dismissed as thugs, for do they not speak for whole communities in setting fire to cars and doing wheelies down streets? Beneath their masks, are they not white?
You call that a night of violence, laughs Belfast old-timer
AN elderly Belfast resident is chuckling at the relatively small scale of last night’s violence.
86-year-old Oliver O’Connor is smiling indulgently at the idea that last night even remotely compares to the centuries of riots, sectarian clashes, and bomb blasts that have plagued the streets of his home city.
He said: “Ah, some buses and houses got a bit on fire, did they? Boys will be boys. Letting off steam after GCSEs, I expect.
“Maybe I’m jaded, but a kerfuffle following a knife attack doesn’t really register once you’ve lived through decades of bombing, shootings and reprisals. Back in the day we’d call last night a slow Tuesday.
“Where are the paratroopers? Where are the Army checking identity papers of ordinary folk on every street? For me, it barely counts as violence if a tank doesn’t come rumbling down a residential road.
“Do I condone last nights behaviour? Sure no, but unless this spirals into years of entrenched warfare about Northern Ireland’s place in the United Kingdom, it doesn’t touch the sides.”
He added: “If you’re going to chant ‘foreigners out’, at least direct it at the English. What happened to tradition?”
Man fails to get himself in mood for wank
A MAN’s attempt to treat himself to a solo sexual experience while on a business trip has foundered on his own lack of interest.
Martin Bishop checked into a Premier Inn yesterday evening, anticipating a night of flirtatious lone fantasy culminating in unhurried, languorous masturbation.
He said: “Usually it’s what I build the evening around. Don’t judge me. There’s not much else to do in Loughborough.
“I browse a little on my phone, shower, lay out nude watching Pointless and eating the complimentary biscuits, slowly building up to taking myself firmly in hand. But last night? I wasn’t feeling it.
“Undeterred and determined to make the most of this opportunity, I took myself out to dinner. Maybe a few glasses of wine would help get the juices flowing. Or, you know, two tins of rosé from Sainsbury’s after my KFC.
“Unfortunately, I kept having invasive thoughts about the next day’s presentation and couldn’t focus. Every time I thought about Salma Hayek I ended up back on disappointing Q2 regional sales.
“I was lying there, knob in hand, porn on phone, the moment couldn’t have been more right. And nothing. Eventually I gave up, turned over in a huff and went to sleep.
“Ah, there’s nothing so lonely as lying in a budget hotel’s king-size bed with no desire to touch yourself.”
The Poke
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A Democratic congressman just demanded full disclosure from the White House about Donald Trump’s well-being and he’s really not messing around
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