God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ 

THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal life, I can no longer participate in good faith,” the Supreme Leader of the Universe wrote in a post shared to His Almighty Instagram page, explaining His fears that continuing on with the Hulu reality series for a sixth season would set a bad example for His son, Jesus Christ our Savior. “While I will forever be grateful for the friendships I have made with the women on this show, there are some people whose behavior, frankly, has shaken Me to My spirit’s core. I will fulfill My contractual obligations, filming the rest of My confessionals, and then that’s it, goodbye, I will be taking My majesty elsewhere.” At press time, God revealed He would be competing on the next season of The Traitors. The Onion.

Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron

WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle, where some of the deadliest marksmen in our armed forces will be posted around the clock on his head and shoulders,” said Trump, adding that at approximately 6-foot-8, his son would provide an exceptional high-elevation vantage point for neutralizing targets at long range. “The Pentagon actually came to me and said, ‘Mr. President, to protect the country, we need Barron to become a living military complex with snipers on top of him and ammunition stockpiled in his pockets.’ So we’re going to do that, and then we’ll store lots of combat drones in his mouth somehow. America’s going to be so much safer with my son standing out there the rest of his life.” Trump went on to say that his other sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, would be strategically positioned nearby to shield the snipers from enemy fire. The Onion.

Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day 

NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe an hour a day at most, but my jaw dropped when I found out I’d been spending nearly a third of my waking hours on my horse,” said King, who admitted he’d often found himself unable to focus on cabinet building for more than a few minutes before dropping everything and hopping back on Pebble, his 6-year-old stallion. “I’ll tell myself I’m just going to unwind after work with a quick 10-minute brush or pet, and then before I know it, the sun has gone down. Plus, my neck hurts, and I’m having trouble sleeping. I used to spend my free time with neighbors repairing a fence or splitting wood, but now all I do is sit on my saddle all day and zone out while I ride. It’s sad, but life really was so much better before we domesticated them.” King added that no matter how much his teenage son begged him for a horse, he’d never get him more than a donkey. The Onion.

Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling

PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for spelling. “Let’s see, is it ‘they’re’ or ‘their’? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,” said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a few select words of the lengthy post that, for reasons unrelated to his editing, would soon go viral, end his career, and ultimately cause his family and friends to cut off contact with him forever. “Oh wow. I’m glad I put this into a spellchecker. I thought ‘mongrel’ was spelled with an ‘a.’ Plus, I totally forgot to tag ICE. If anyone would have seen the original, I would have been absolutely humiliated.” At press time, sources reported that Myers was hard at work correcting the thousands of people who had posted his home address online and had mistakenly spelled his name ‘Meyers’ instead of ‘Myers.’ The Onion.

Josephine Walker

Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.” The Onion.

'The Babylon Bee' Has Obtained The Fall Lineup For Trump TV

Move over, legacy media! The White House has officially unveiled the all-new TRUMP TV channel, featuring an incredible slate of original programming from everyone's favorite president.

Local Man Pretty Holy Until Children Wake Up

CANTON, OH — Local man Curt Greenfield once again started off the day fairly righteous, right up until the moment that his children woke up.

Amazon To Begin Updating California Customers Once Packages Have Been Stolen

SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced an update to its package tracking system that would helpfully inform California customers when their package had reached their destination and been stolen.

Muslims Say It's Unfair To Judge Their Entire Religion Based On The Actions Of Several Million

WORLD — The international Muslim community issued a collective statement this week explaining that it would be unfair to judge their religion based on the bad actions of several million of its members.

RFK Jr. Teams Up With Starbucks To Introduce New Beef Tallow Spice Frappuccino

WASHINGTON, D.C. — HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced on Monday that he was teaming up with Starbucks to create a bold new Beef Tallow Spice Frappuccino as a healthier fall option for consumers.

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos

It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance. When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.  There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.  Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even. An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber. Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter. Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.  All moments of immaculate harmony.  Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.  What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?

Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage

I hear a lot of bullshit.  But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…” “…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.” You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.” Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.  Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust. Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses! So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.

Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit

Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit. Just heartbreaking. Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall. You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you! Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them. Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.

First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight

EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.

Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?

25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally

WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.

Britain giving military aid where it’s desperately needed: Saudi Arabia

18 innuendos Nigella will use on tonight’s Bake Off alone

THE Great British Bake Off returns to screens tonight with its most lascivious, finger-licking judge yet. Nigella Lawson will employ all these innuendos in one show:  “Slip those into my bottom oven”  “It’s moist, but you’re going to need to do more to get it all the way there”  “That isn’t anywhere near hard enough, and I’m reluctant to put it in my mouth”  “Spatter the icing all over. Go wild. I can’t get enough”  “There’s nothing better than the sweet explosion of flavour from a cream horn”  “Turn up the heat and you’ll be getting something truly delectable”  “I like a contestant who really knows when to knead and when to bring out the rolling pin”  “I’m sure you won’t mind if I take your cherry”  “Paul has the knack for making it rise effortlessly while keeping that tremendous shape”  “Oh yes. Rub in the butter. Rub in the f**king butter”  “I can do treacle or honey, if you know what I mean. Anyway, now’s not the time to be on Grindr”  “I see you’ve got them rising in stiff, stiff peaks. But do they melt in the mouth?”  “Want to see a real showstopper? Let me unzip my top” “That needs to be filled with cream. Really vigorously” “Your area bears the imprint of a pair of buttocks in flour? Well they’re not mine” “That tartiflette makes me want to get done at both ends. Spit-roast, baby”  “I thought you wanted innuendo? Well, the line between a double entendre and open requests to be banged is a permeable one”  “Okay, okay, I’ll tone it down for the next episode. Genuinely sorry. How I make it up to you with a double bagpiping? One under each armpit. My treat.” 

How to give the impression you’ve seen online porn but consider yourself above it

WHEN pornography raises its ugly head in conversation feigning total ignorance is unconvincing, but you should imply you never lower yourself to masturbation. Here’s how:  Adopt a nonplussed expression When Jenna Jameson comes up, seem vaguely confused as if trying to place her. Was she in the RSC production of Antigone? A non-verbal lie but it’s the safest option, even if last night you were on a retro pornographic odyssey that merited its own Christopher Nolan film. Say ‘I’ve just never really felt the need’ Suggesting your sex life is so vibrant and fulfilling that self-abuse was left behind years ago. Implausible, relies on your never having been single for more than a fortnight and condescending to everyone else, who you insinuate are nothing but wanking chimps. Raise an eyebrow at descriptions When a colleague describes interestingly depraved porn, look horrified. Implausible that a 45-year-old man familiar with the internet has the sexual knowledge of an 18th century virgin bride? Yes. Will they say ‘Oh, you must see European Cum Bath 4? Here, borrow my copy?’ No. It’s fine to know what MILF means Though yet to be recognised by the Oxford English Dictionary, it’s part of the lexicon. Pretending naivety will fool no-one. Let your extensive familiarity with the genre, with those the most worn four letters on your laptop keyboard, go unnoticed. Don’t remark that shagging a teenage stepson is surely the worst domestic decision you can make short of a pet tiger. Guard your browsing history assiduously Don’t allow anyone access to your computer, because pretending to be above sordid wanking over porn fails when your last search was ‘office cougar loves hot jizz’. Saying it was ‘research’ is actually worse than saying ‘You can’t beat a good anal threesome’. Shrug ‘It’s just not something I’m into’ Doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Are you saying you’re indifferent to sex? Attractive naked people? You’ve never even been curious? Chinny reckon. Maintain total ignorance  Pretend not to know the names of famous sites like Pornhub, referring to it as ‘Porn-what-was-it-called?’ And obviously you don’t recognise names like Angela White or Adriana Chechik either. Which is actually pretty disloyal after all they’ve given you.

Six previous prime ministers warn Burnham what to expect when meeting Trump

ANDY Burnham meets Donald Trump for the first time today, and it is unlikely to go well. The last six prime ministers warn him what to expect:  David Cameron, in office 2010-2016 I didn’t actually meet him as PM, because I gambled and lost and completely f**ked up Britain for decades so resigned before he got elected, but I went to Mar-a-Lago as foreign secretary. Try to meet him outside, or in a large room, or take a deep breath before entering the room. The stench. It is something else. Theresa May, in office 2016-2019 I got on marvellously well with President Trump because I did all the talking. We even held hands. Is that the hand which has the dark bruise on it that won’t heal and from which he seems to be rotting from the inside? Yes. Sorry about that. It’s due to my ancient curse. Boris Johnson, in office 2019-2022 Trump and I were like brothers: rule-breaking, norm-ignoring, woman-groping self-aggrandising partners in crime who knew we’d always be able to get away with anything. Unfortunately, as others have since learned, that turned out to be true of him but not me. So don’t fall for that, Andy. If he offers to let you kill a hooker, say no. Liz Truss, in office 2022-2022 I never got to meet Trump because of the Woke Blob conspiracy against me, and haven’t been able to since because he won’t. It’s crucial, therefore, for Burnham to tell Trump he is not the legitimate prime minister, that Liz Truss rightly rules Albion and it is the will of the people for her to be installed in a military coup to save the West. Rishi Sunak, in office 2022-2024 I actually avoided meeting Donald Trump for reasons I’m confident I don’t have to go into. It wouldn’t have gone well. First the bafflement, then the anger, then asking ‘Does my good friend King Charles know this Indian guy’s saying he’s prime minister?’ It’s one of the reasons I’m glad I left. That, and running Britain’s a shit job. Keir Starmer, in office 2024-2026 You’ve actually got the f**king nerve to ask me? You kicked me out of Downing Street for piss all and then come to me for advice? Go f**k yourself. Tell him a f**king Northern anecdote about being f**king Northern, I don’t give a shit. I’ll be in my mother’s donkey sanctuary taking out my frustrations on the beasts.

Man only in shape because he’s 22

A MAN impressed with his own trim body believes he looks after himself but is actually just not quite old enough to get fat yet.  Jack Browne assumes he is lean because he visits the gym monthly and occasionally skips breakfast, while in fact he is still young enough to metabolise his diet of burgers, beer and Frosties at midnight. He said: “I reckon I’ve got the good genes. My lifestyle’s way worse than my co-workers, and they’re all bloaters. “They say ‘just you wait’ as if there’s some dreadful fate awaiting unsuspecting little me. Er hello? I’m an adult; an adult who can fit into 30in jeans and doesn’t waddle when he walks, even though I have a Starbucks Caramel Cream Frappuccino every day. “They’re calorie counting and running half marathons just to maintain a baseline of fitness. I don’t need to. I can eat whatever I like and it just burns off, and it always will. “Maybe everyone else has got health wrong. You don’t need to hit 10,000 steps or eat five a day. A youthfully naive outlook might be all it takes to have a trim physique. Just a thought.” Colleague Martin Bishop, aged 42, said: “One day Jack’s going to be cramming fistfuls of crisps into his mouth and he’ll inflate like a life raft.”

When this Maga ambassador tried to defend Trump’s media ban, CNN’s Kaitlin Collins unleashed the perfect comeback to stun him into silence

Donald Trump does not want pesky reporters around anymore. He’s openly calling for a ban on unfriendly media and the more his administration talks about it, the worse it looks. The latest Trump ring kisser to defend the President’s fascist approach to the press is US Ambassador to the United Nations, Mike Waltz. If that […] The Poke.

Which parts of British life do Americans romanticise that are actually a bit rubbish? – 17 things about the UK that don’t live up to the hype

We may speak the same language, but when it comes to selling the UK to the US, it seems that a few details have got lost in translation. Far from being the quaint country that Americans see in the movies, Britain is a bit more gnarly in reality. To learn about the little things that […] The Poke.

New York mayor Zohran Mamdani had to listen to Donald Trump blather on about himself and his face is this week’s most hilariously relatable thing

More than anything, New York City mayor Zohran Mamdani is known for his vibrant smile and relentless energy. So it’s notable when all of the sudden he shows up at a press conference with resting bitch face. Hmmm, what on earth could have possibly caused such a dramatic turn of events? President Trump visited the […] The Poke.

This takedown of Right Said Fred’s ‘holiday’ moan was already good and it just gets better

You’ll remember Right Said Fred from back in the day when they briefly bothered the charts, but are now better known as conspiracy cheerleaders and railing against vaccines and lockdown back in they. And to this (long) list of things they don’t like we can also add ‘people who post pictures of themselves on holiday’. […] The Poke.

Forget inspirational posters, ‘Uninspirational’ posters are so much more fitting for these times – 17 favourites

The @Uninspirational Instagram account is more “Work. Cry. Sleep.” than “Live. Laugh. Love.“, and that seems to fit the era we’re living through, so we’re taking a closer look. Let’s dive in. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. The Poke.