The Onion
White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old
WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. “After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a titanic behemoth born in 1991,” Barbabella told reporters, adding that the commander-in-chief’s cardiovascular health was so exemplary that he had finally cracked the three-minute mile. “I can also say that, contrary to some negative health speculations in the press, the president’s capacity to levitate two feet off the ground is undiminished. And in my professional opinion, his pyrokinetic abilities have surpassed those of any world leader in history.” Barbabella went on to state that Trump’s dunking skills remained at NBA-level.
The Onion.
‘Victens Wemponyaga,’ Begins Promising Kendrick Perkins Sentence
The Onion.
Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence
THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month’s anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence. “Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to a higher evolutionary level was the best decision I ever made,” said Heaven’s Gate member Sam Clybourne, adding that while he may have been nervous about participating in a ritual that required him to consume phenobarbital-laced apple sauce, drink vodka, and then asphyxiate himself with a plastic bag, his travels aboard a comet-trailing UFO had made it all worthwhile. “It’s great up here, what can I say? I’m living in a utopic realm of superhuman perfection, and my new alien body is incorruptible, genderless, and free from all suffering. It’s nothing but pure bliss every day! Plus, I still get to wear my Nike Decades all the time.” Heaven’s Gate members confirmed everyone was welcome to join them in eternal ecstasy when the Hale–Bopp comet next passed Earth in 4385.
The Onion.
Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular
FORT WORTH, TX—In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in particular. “For decades, this part of Fort Worth has languished as nothing more than a loving community for African American families and a bustling hub for Black-owned businesses,” said Mayor Mattie Parker, adding that the destruction of dozens of beloved restaurants, theaters, barbershops, and newspapers was an essential step toward creating more vacant lots that could sit empty behind fences for an indefinite length of time. “To be clear, we have no plans to construct any new high-rises, public parks, or sports stadiums where this neighborhood used to be. Nor are we encouraging private developers to build something in this once-vital place where Black residents maintained roots for generations, coming here to live, play, eat, and work. We just figured we’d bulldoze 30 or so blocks and see what happens. While we are proud of this neighborhood’s history, the time has come to make way for complete nothingness.” Mayor Parker went on to share computer-generated renderings of what the proposed plant overgrowth in the area might look like once the city completed its $10 million devitalization project across multiple minority communities.
The Onion.
PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn’t Eat His Cat
DENVER—Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eat his cat. “I know they’re trying to make eating other animals seem wrong, but honestly, I bet my Kiki would taste incredible deep-fried with a little aioli,” said Richards, observing that the ad’s depiction of a cat trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey looked tastier than most advertisements he had seen for actual foods. “That billboard isn’t making me vegetarian—it’s just making me hungry. I’d spatchcock and oven-roast my pet of seven years in a heartbeat if I knew the right internal temperature to shoot for. Just the thought of Kiki’s skin turning crispy and golden brown while some roast potatoes catch the drippings has got me salivating. In fact, I might just have to swing by the grocery store on my way home for some shallots and fresh parsley now that I’ve worked up such a hankering for cat.” Richards went on to state that a PETA social media post meant to make him reconsider his dairy consumption had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eagerly breastfeed from an anthropomorphic cow.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Jill Biden Assures Nation Joe’s Old Age Did Not Hamper Her Ability To Serve As President
U.S. — While making media appearances to promote her new book, Jill Biden assured the nation that her husband's old age did not in any way hamper her ability to serve as president.
Californians Give Us Their Top 9 Reasons For Still Voting Democrat
It's Primary Election Day in California, and, as expected, a ton of people are still voting Democrat. The Babylon Bee hit the streets to find out why.
Disney Attempts To Win Star Wars Fans Back With New Jar Jar Binks Trilogy
BURBANK, CA — In an effort to win back disgruntled fans, Disney executives announced a brand-new Star Wars film trilogy centered entirely around Jar Jar Binks, one of the most popular characters in the franchise.
Companies Posting Pride Month Logos Obviously Unaware That Donald Trump Is President
U.S. — Several companies across the U.S. posting special Pride Month versions of their logos on social media were apparently unaware that Donald Trump is currently president.
Satan Takes Credit For Raisins
HELL — Satan confirmed this week that he was, in fact, responsible for raisins.
ClickHole
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Duffel Blog
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Daily Mash
We ask you: Which iconic British creature must be on banknotes or you’ll riot?
THE Bank of England has announced the 18-strong shortlist of beasts for British banknotes and the country is in uproar. Which will you go to war to be included?
Roy Hobbs, retired: “Putting the buff-tailed bumblebee in there is clear bias toward bee-tattooed Andy Burnham. Instead I shall be backing the common frog, in honour of Nigel Farage.”
Hannah Tomlinson, dog groomer: “Dolphins? Doesn’t King Charles already own them? Now he wants them on the £50 on the flip side of his jowly face? The ego on this prick.”
Steve Malley, cobbler: “If I pick the pine marten, will people think it’s because I’m pining for Martin? Because I’m not. I never even think about him these days. You brought him up.”
Helen Archer, physiotherapist: “The hedgehog because they’re flat aren’t they, like money is. Or they are when I see them.”
Martin Bishop, cave diver: “Christ, put together like this our animals really are shit, aren’t they? It’s no wonder we nicked the lion for England shirts.”
Skiving work and other activities surprisingly good for your mental health
COUNTRY walks and meditation aren’t the only boosters for mental health. These easy everyday activities also bring wonderful benefits:
Skiving work
Weekends and holidays are obviously great ways to destress, but can’t compare to the full-body feel-good sensation of emailing your boss at 8.58am to say you won’t be in today, as it slowly sinks in you’ve got a whole day to nothing but piss about and it’s all paid for by them. Buddhist monks take lifetimes to achieve such inner peace.
Scrolling your phone
The negative effects of scrolling are over-exaggerated. Swiping through endless comedy clips, cute animals and thirst traps floods your brain with dopamine. It’s incredible. They only say it’s bad for you because they hate you being this happy which it why they’re trying to ban teens from doing it.
Eating a takeaway
Nobody eats salad when they’re sad. That’s because it lacks the ingredients the body needs to cheer up, like BBQ sauce and flame-grilled patties. Jabbing your phone until a burger arrives is good for your soul plus means no washing-up. Therapists who don’t recommend báhn mí should be struck off for gross negligence.
Not journaling
Journaling involves confronting your inner demons and writing them down in a little book. How could that work? Cataloguing everything you hate? You’ll feel much better if you don’t bother. If you must put pen to paper, try doodling a knob or a pair of tits instead. That always raises a smile.
Remaining physically inactive
Exercise is tiring, expensive and frequently results in physical harm. Lying on the sofa, in contrast, is safe and comfortable. Pair that with a TV and a grab bag of Doritos, and you’ve created a sanctuary more tranquil than a sensory deprivation tank. Fashion a catheter from your groin to the toilet and you’ve achieved nirvana.
Twats not helping
VIOLENT twats who believe themselves to be helping are emphatically not helping, Britain has agreed.
The men who rushed down to Southampton to throw bricks at police in the hope it would make everything in Britain better have in fact made it worse, as any neutral observer would have predicted.
Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “You’d think they’d have learned from Southport, when a few thousand shaven-headed men shouting racist slogans failed to make any positive difference to the families, the communities or the country.
“But somehow these men remain convinced that a terrible tragedy can only be healed by them throwing bins at policemen. A conviction which is unfounded, unlike their previous convictions for domestic violence, sexual assault and ABH.
“Yes, the policeman shouldn’t have arrested the victim. This wasn’t due to anti-white bias but because the murderer called the police to report a crime, confusing the police because that’s not something most murderers do.
“It’s not an injustice you can solve by setting fire to a police van. And you being arrested for that is not proof of two-tier policing, but proof of policing.”
Wayne Hayes said: “Yeah, but all them Black Lives Matter who set fire to police stuff weren’t arrested. They were? Oh right, fair enough then.”
Job hunting in this market impossible, says teen without CV
A 18-YEAR-OLD who has made no effort to find any kind of job has decided his unemployment is down to global economic factors far beyond his control.
Josh Hudson is one of of more than a million Neets across the nation, who is unable to study for A-levels because he dropped out and cannot get onto any training courses despite spending hours every day sitting on his arse watching TikTok.
Josh explained: “I saw a video about how it’s not actually my fault that I don’t have a job, and the reason no one has knocked on my door and asked if I want one is because of AI nicking them all.”
“It’s literally impossible to get an entry-level job these days. They all expect you to have experience. My mum says the local pub wants a dishwasher but as I pointed out, when have I ever washed a dish? They’d throw me in the deep end with no training.
“Also, I was brought up to respect myself, and all this grovelling around looking for paid work reminds me of slavery. Which is wrong.”
Mum Donna says: “He can’t get LinkedIn, because it’s intrusive personal surveillance by the US tech-industrial complex selling his facial data to Palantir.
“Thank f**k for the AI revolution, I say. They’ll get shit done.”
Boards of Canada, and other artists great for working to because they’re so ignorable
HEADPHONES in the office? But real, good music too distracting? These meticulous peddlers of dullness have created oeuvres with your eight-hour shift in mind:
Brian Eno
Eno’s perfect for bashing out a pitch deck like you’re in an airline lounge without any of the holiday thrill, having invented music for that exact purpose. Any of his ambient works will soothe the mind so thoroughly you’ll forget you ever had a life outside this office, this screen, these thankfully noise-cancelled colleagues.
Boards of Canada
Allusions to Satanism, Wicca, and childhood fireside memories could be interesting. But channelled through wordless instrumental trip-hop that’s wispy enough to make the office fan sound like a punk explosion? Even a manager’s verbal warning will feel like part of the duo’s hallucinatory sound collage, and equally unimportant.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Despite boasting a thousand members and radical politics, this band highlights global injustice in the most ironic way possible by boring you into numbness. ‘That last song was about Gaza?’ you’ll think. ‘Weird. I’m not interested in it any more.’
Grouper
There’s a real power to instrument-and-voice work unless the artist smears the crap out of the production to sound like disappointed post-sex sighs. Still, Liz Harris’ constant ticker-tape of acoustic strums make you pound away on your keboard, sounding impressive until your Q2 report is titled “on dreams I’m moving through heavy water” and you’re fired.
James Blake
Blake crying over a laptop becomes easy background noise when you are busy doing the same yourself. His balladic warbling about lost human connection may as well be a dreadful sales manager moaning about AI taking his job, which you’ve learned to tune out anyway by scrolling LinkedIn. Which Blake might as well be singing.
The xx
The office gym bunnies champion high BPM music for work and play, so when you want that but only a little bit, there’s these heroes of downbeat indie. Their promise of a thumping bassline that never arrives is a great accompaniment for a day of clock-watching where 5pm never seems to actually come.
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