WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” said the 4-year-old mare, who noted that while she understood the well-wishers had positive intentions, she would really prefer to focus on going about her day and eating grass. “No one’s asking the dog if she’s excited about it being the Year of the Horse. I didn’t even know it was Chinese New Year, let alone the Year of the Horse. Feels a little racist if you ask me.” Lady Star added that as a devout Christian, she was slightly uncomfortable with “the whole superstitious” aspect of the celebration.

The post Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting appeared first on The Onion.

South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?

“Four interviews and this is how I find out they went with someone internal?”

Ian Vaske, Motorcycle Polisher

---

“That’ll look amazing on her college application.”

Neil Trotter, Assistant Associate

---

“Seriously? After everything the Chairman of the Standing Committee of the Supreme People’s Assembly, Choe Ryong-hae, has done for him?”

Courtney Lau, Sign Letterer

The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.

SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us,” said Bronson, whose frequent unexcused absences and routine missing of important deadlines had been an ongoing liability for the management team of Edgewater Interactive for the past several months. “Mark my words: With the rise of automation, it’s only a matter of time before you’re all gone. Sure, things like downloading malware onto my work computer or putting incorrect information into investor slide decks gave the powers-that-be an excuse to use me as a sacrificial lamb, but really it could have been any one of us.” Bronson added that the soulless bean counters at the company wouldn’t think twice about saving a few bucks on unfeeling algorithms that didn’t require sexual harassment retraining on five separate occasions.

The post Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler could I have made it?” said the Lord, admitting He was frustrated that humanity had spent centuries engaged in pursuits such as war, art, commerce, and the construction of civilizations instead of using their hands to sexually gratify themselves at all times. “It’s so simple to do, and the sensation is amazing. It’s basically as close to heaven as you can get on earth, and yet still they barely jerk it at all. And while there have been moments when it seems like a few of My children have understood their divine mission to vigorously pleasure themselves around the clock, most of them still cease after seven or eight sessions. It is troubling indeed.” At press time, celestial sources confirmed an angry God was tearing pages out of the Bible after an angel reminded Him about the sin of Onan.

The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.

MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is to slaughter him,” said the 3-year-old pit bull mix, barking ferociously but also wagging his tail as he raced off the couch toward the stranger standing in the doorway. “He’s smiling at me! I should roll over and present my belly. But maybe that’s what he wants me to do. This could be a ruse to win my affection before killing me, attacking my family, and stealing all my food. I should maul him.” At press time, reports confirmed the dog opted to enact a maneuver he learned from the family’s cat that involved accepting the belly rub and then spinning around to bite the man’s hand.

The post Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor appeared first on The Onion.

HEAVENLY THRONE ROOM — As she stood before the great white throne of judgment upon whom sat One with the appearance of jasper and carnelian, recently deceased Tiffany Smith told Jesus that He really shouldn't be so judgy.

ONTARIO, CA — In a revelation intended to lay a foundation for a better marital relationship, a local wife explained to her husband that her love language is for him to go out and earn all the money and then come home and do all the chores.

NEW YORK CITY — Progressive Democrat James Talarico went on The Late Show to explain how Democrats can be Christians too if they just ignore everything in the Bible.

NEW YORK, NY — During a Tuesday evening taping of The Late Show, host Stephen Colbert announced he would rather the show not air at all than have to interview a black woman.

LOS ANGELES, CA — The shocking results of a brand-new study indicate that you can actually think thoughts without posting them online.

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

Since the DOJ released its newest batch of documents concerning the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, multiple prominent individuals have stepped down due to their appearance in the files, and it seems like the fallout isn’t over yet: The CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc. has just stepped down after emails between him and Jeffrey Epstein surfaced.

Oh no! Looks like another one bites the dust.

Despite his image as a clean cut, by-the-books businessman, it seems that longtime CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., William “Gropemaster” Pervert, may have been partaking in nefarious activity, as newly released documents show a years-long friendship with the late Jeffrey Epstein. The 500-plus emails between the two show that Mr. Pervert allegedly visited Epstein’s island at least 50 times, always bringing with him young girls he’d sex trafficked through his company Sex Trafficking Inc., which is not only a conflict of interest in violation of his noncompete clause, but a major overreach of his corporate powers as well.

Check out the message posted on Sex Trafficking Inc.’s socials below:

A Note To The Sex Trafficking Inc. Community

In light of the recently released documents pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein, Sex Trafficking Inc. CEO William “Gropemaster” Pervert has ended his 32-year career with Sex Trafficking Inc.

We at Sex Trafficking Inc. had no knowledge of Mr. Pervert’s behavior nor his friendship with Mr. Epstein. Through his relationship with a convicted sex offender, Mr. Pervert has let down not only the good people working under him at Sex Trafficking Inc., but the entire sex trafficking community. 

Most upsetting is that the files revealed the many times Mr. Pervert overstepped his corporate bounds, including times he asked those in Sex Trafficking Inc.’s Sex Crimes division to aid his personal sex crimes. At Sex Trafficking Inc. we do not take this lightly, as employees may only use company trafficking resources (funds, planes, threats of intimidation) for professional sex crimes. Never personal ones.

We have always taken very seriously the core tenets of our company—veracity, honor, and devotion—and we acknowledge that Mr. Pervert’s actions did not reflect these values. We’re deeply sorry for any harm Mr. Pervert’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein may have caused, and we look forward to returning to sharing sex trafficking tips and tricks under the guidance of a new CEO very soon.

Wow… Who could have seen this coming?! If Jeffrey Epstein managed to befriend the CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., it just goes to show how truly embedded the late financier was in elite society, and just how far his disturbing influence may have reached.

It’s been over two weeks since Nancy Guthrie was kidnapped, and the Guthrie family is still without answers. Now, thanks to a reckless blunder committed by Trump’s appointed FBI Director, public faith in the case’s investigators is fading fast: Kash Patel has apologized after prematurely announcing that Nancy Guthrie was just stuck in Jumanji.

Yikes. Where the hell did President Trump even find this guy? Kash Patel just made a horrible situation so much worse!

At an emergency press conference held this morning, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that “law enforcement has confirmed Nancy Guthrie is just stuck in Jumanji, the supernatural board game from the 1995 Robin Williams’ movie of the same name.” This was a declaration that Patel would walk back 45 minutes later, after further examination of the evidence and dissection of several YouTube clips from the 1995 action-adventure film disproved any and all connections between the fictional board game Jumanji and Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. 

“I’d like to apologize to the Guthrie family for any false hope I may have given them when I pointed out that Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji disappeared for 26 years, but it turned out he just got sucked into the board game and had to live in a jungle until another player rolled a five or eight. I was 1000% certain Nancy was in the exact same situation, but in actuality, I spoke without verifying all the facts at hand,” explained Patel in a retraction of his statement.

“Earlier today, I instructed employees across the FBI to drop what they were doing and try to roll fives and eights with board game dice in order to bring Nancy back from the jungle. This order was given even despite the risk of a lion coming out of the board game with her, like what happened in the Robin Williams movie—it was a risk we were willing to take if it meant reuniting her with her family,” Patel continued. “While I regret the distraction my theory caused, the Guthrie family can at least take solace in knowing that Nancy is NOT in the jungle from Jumanji, which the FBI has proven beyond all doubt as of today.”

You really, really hate to see people like this in charge of America’s federal law enforcement…Kash Patel is setting the FBI’s reputation back by decades.

How someone this profoundly incompetent wound up in charge of the FBI is a question we, as a nation, need to address. Look, if we’re Nancy Guthrie’s family, we are hiring a private military company ASAP, because we are not feeling good about her chances with Kash Patel running things. Otherwise, all we can say is that we are praying for Nancy’s safe return home, and for her captors to be brought to justice immediately!

While the controversial documentary Melania has been heavily criticized and bombarded with negative reviews, it does have some interesting moments. Here are six times in the Melania documentary where Melania accidentally rolls her face up in a car window. 

1. Before The Opening Credits Roll

In an interesting creative choice by the film’s director, we see Melania’s face being rolled up in a car window before the film’s credits even roll. Melania is shown in the back of a limousine waving to a group of fans through an open window, which she then begins to roll up while her head is still hanging well outside the limo. “How do I stop it doing that?!” she shouts to no one in particular, panicking while her lips and ears are fully rolled up in the closed window, the bunched-up skin pinched in the window looking like an elephant ear pastry flopping up and down outside the car with every bump it hits. For a film so universally panned as being an overpriced fluff piece with no real substance, it’s actually a pretty fascinating opening scene. 

2. When She’s Being Driven To Trump’s Inauguration And Her Hat Is Too Big For Her Head To Fit In The Limousine So She Drives With It Hanging Out Of The Window And Accidentally Hits The Power Window Switch

The film centers around Trump’s second inauguration, and while everyone certainly remembers the meme-able black-and-white wide-brimmed hat she wore that nearly covered her entire face, there was apparently more to the story. The hat’s huge proportions meant that Melania couldn’t fit her head inside the car that was taking her to the inauguration, so she was forced to ride to the Capitol with her head hanging out of the window like a dog. Unfortunately, she accidentally leaned on the power window switch, causing her face to be quickly crushed by the presidential limo’s bulletproof glass. Apparently, an image of the iconic hat and Melania’s face skin hanging out of the barely cracked window like a cheap Halloween mask was actually used on the first draft of the film’s movie poster, but the filmmakers decided that they didn’t want to spoil such a pivotal scene and ended up scrapping it. 

3. When Melania Is Discussing How Proud She Is Of Barron While A Car Window Slowly Rolls Up On Her Face And Twists Her Head A Full 90 Degrees

While the film offers little substance about Trump and Melania’s only child together, Melania does make it clear she is proud of her son. A pride which, apparently, is capable of distracting her from the fact her face is being crushed by the window of a car while speaking about him. After Melania’s skull finally overwhelms the car window’s motor and stops it from rolling up any farther, Melania says through her bunched-up cheeks with her head at a perfect right angle from her neck, “My son’s name is Barron.” It’s an interesting scene which offers a perspective on motherhood rarely seen in film. 

4. When She Is Riding In The Hearse Carrying Jimmy Carter’s Body During His Funeral Procession For Some Reason And Intentionally Rolls Her Face Up In The Hearse Window So She Doesn’t Inhale His Ghost 

While most of the times Melania rolls her face up in a car window in Melania are accidental, there is one instance where she does it intentionally. During a scene covering the Trumps’ attendance of Jimmy Carter’s funeral service in Washington, Melania finds herself riding along with Carter’s casket in the hearse driving him to his final resting place for an unexplained reason. Melania glances back at the casket stowed in the back of the hearse with fear, rolls down her window, and then immediately rolls it back up leaving only her lips and nose outside. She explains via narration that, “I don’t want to breathe in the ghost so I do this.” Knowing a bit about Melania’s superstitions and the lengths she’ll go to avoid inhaling ghosts actually helps humanize the First Lady who is often criticized for appearing cold and robotic. 

5. When She’s On A Video Call With French First Lady Brigitte Macron Discussing Cyberbullying And Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In Her Car Window And Blames It On Cyberbullying 

Much of the film focuses on the First Lady’s attempts to help children, and at one point she consults with French First Lady Brigitte Macron and takes notes on France’s initiatives to combat cyberbullying. Unfortunately, as Macron is explaining that France has banned all social media for children under 11, Melania begins holding down her car’s power window switch and the car’s glass takes hold of most of Melania’s facial skin. The French First Lady watches helplessly while screaming, “Let go! Let go of the window button!” but in the panic the translators facilitating the call accidentally tell Melania to, “Push it harder! Push the window button harder!” resulting in Melania’s entire face temporarily being separated from her skull. After 15 minutes of struggling, Melania is finally able to pull her facial skin back over her skull and finish the call. Apparently unaware that the French First Lady was witness to the entire thing, Melania explains, “Sorry I was gone. I was just victim of a cyberbullying.” Say what you will about Melania being nothing more than a legal bribe by Amazon to President Trump, but there are at least a few scenes here that are nothing like anything you’ve seen before. 

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

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Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today.

“We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.”

During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House.

“As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT_CITY_FINAL_v7_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we used live ammunition for realism, so people still died for no reason.”

Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to influence foreign countries may actually lead to better outcomes.

“Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.”

Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear in the defense budget, though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.'

Psychological Operations Debuts New ‘Longest Tab’

The tab, to be placed on the upper left sleeve of any military uniform, can be worn by any service member that ever held the 37-series designation

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Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

Hopefully someone packed a straitjacket.

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Pentagon says vaccinated troops no longer have to wear masks while throwing up in an Uber

Finally a return to normalcy.

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Army Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does Nothing

After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

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Budget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cord

Every penny counts.

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WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead.

The letter read:

Hey warriors, losers, and ladies,

The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!!

By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans.

Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.”

“It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.”

The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!”

“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”

A ONE-WOMAN stage version of Dracula was as bad as anyone imagining a one-woman Dracula would naturally assume, critics have agreed. 

The production, in which a single actress played 23 roles in a complex Gothic novel by using wigs and outfits, was not successful because a single actress played 23 roles in a complex Gothic novel by using wigs and outfits.

Critic Julian Cook said: “Would nobody do it with her? Could she not have called in a few favours?

“Because, innovative use of technology aside, you’re basically watching one small woman talking to herself for two hours like an over-enthusiastic primary school teacher at story time.

“Beside which, I feel the themes of patriarchal dominance, the fetishisation of female purity and the Victorian terror of immigration were undermined by every member of the cast, from Dracula downwards, being the same black woman.

“If this was a one-man show by a sixth-form student who’d alienated the rest of her drama course, I’d say ‘Well done but maybe less ambitious next time?’ £200 a seat in the West End? Bollocks to that.”

Dracula star Cynthia Erivo said: “Right. So you’re saying after this, One Hundred Years of Solitude with hand puppets?”

A WOMAN who has met a man she does not immediately want to end her date with and never see again has no idea what her next steps should be.

Lauren Hewitt is in a state of paralysed confusion having finally gone on a date with a charismatic, respectful man who she could feasibly imagine introducing to her friends and family.

She said: “He went to the loo. I reflexively picked up my phone to text friends about what a dickhead he is, but came up blank. This is uncharted territory.

“My normal playbook of endure the date, give a shit hug, then block his number is completely useless. Am I supposed to go in for a kiss or ask him to move in with me? Even ChatGPT didn’t know.

“I’m getting this strange sensation too, not the sickening revulsion I normally feel when a date reveals his stepsister fetish or that he’s a big deal on the Andrew Tate subreddit. It’s kind of a warm, good feeling? I’ll have to get it checked out.

“I just need to figure out the logical next move. It’s either ask him if he’d like to see me again, or take off my shoe and bang it against my head. Is that what you do? Why couldn’t we hate each other like in a romcom?”

Date Oliver O’Connor said: “Yeah I’m not sure. At one point she laid her hand over mine for a few heart-skipping moments. That came across as clingy.”

THE right wing has no artists of any merit, and that makes them sad. Consequently they have decided they’re drafting these into their movement without consent: 

Lana Del Rey

Ignoring her large body of work in favour of slutting around while high, observers have decided that as now she’s married and releasing an album called Stove she has become a gingham-clad tradwife. Next: pumping out children, launching her own internet cooking show, and denouncing the loose of morals who disobey God’s will!

Kanye West

It says a lot about the right-leaning hunger for their own culture warriors that they saw Kanye’s behaviour from 2018 onwards and asked ‘Is this a lengthy, public and abhorrent mental breakdown, or is this guy on our side?’ and decided the latter. And in short order regretted it when he turned out to be so on their side he sold swastika T-shirts.

Kate Bush

Inexplicably praised Theresa May in 2016, at which point the left showed its diversity of opinion and tolerance of difference by agreeing she was an evil Nazi bitch. Attempts to frame a canon of songs about wafting around in woodland barefoot as traditional Tory values failed. Running Up That Hill was not about Thatcher’s triumph over the NUM.

Gary Barlow

Look. As Gary himself would point out in gravelly Northern tones, just because he’s boring and avoids tax, doesn’t mean he’s right wing. Yes, he once backed David Cameron and yes, he spent years bitter and angry at others for succeeding when he hadn’t but that doesn’t mean he’s right wing either, though it is their voter base.

Taylor Swift

White, blue eyes, vengeful toward anyone who’s wronged her: is it any wonder that online Nazis decided she was the heroine she needed? And that, in the absence of contradiction, left-wingers thought it would be fun to promote this? Then she descended from the mountain and reminded everyone the only cause she believes in is Taylor Swift.

Rob Halford

The ultimate macho man, done up in studded leather and growling about motorcycles with stylised screaming eagles on Judas Priest album covers, there was no way this icon of booted masculinity would let his fans down by being a liberal, right? Until it turns out he’s gay and that was gay iconography the whole time. Oh.

WOMEN are no longer allowed to have sex with men because the asymmetrical power dynamic is ‘just horrific’, according to Gen Z. 

After outlawing age-gap relationships, the younger generation has concluded between the two genders are inherently imbalanced because men are on average taller, stronger, earn more and display unearned confidence when ordering in restaurants.

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 22, said: “If a 38-year-old dating a 24-year-old constitutes an oppressive hierarchy, then a 6ft man with a 5ft 4ins woman is basically feudalism.

“When one participant can reach the top shelf without assistance, can the other truly consent? No. So heterosexuality is hereby banned until we can achieve a level playing field.

“It’s about rooting out hidden coercion. If a man can carry both suitcases at the airport, that constitutes dangerous signalling of his superior physical mass. The lady cannot freely agree to intercourse in the face of such assertiveness.

“And any marriage where she’s expected to birth the children, despite her comparative physical frailty? Horrendously inequitable. We’re moving for this to become law and to make the UK a sex-free zone until we get all this sorted out.”

Joe Turner said: “I recently got dumped by a woman, which suggests it’s less unequal than these theories suggest. But as I’m not getting any I’m all for it.”

To the world – briefly – of Tommy Robinson wannabe Stephen Yaxley-Lennon who went out on the streets of Rome in a bid to reinforce his own bigotry. Specifically, it would appear, in relation to immigrants to the country from Somalia. Except it didn’t quite work out like that, blowing up in his face to […]

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Chances are you’ve already made up your mind precisely what kind of person Nigel Farage is, but just in case you were in any doubt, there was a moment in Reform UK’s ‘shadow cabinet’ launch on Tuesday that didn’t just speak volumes, it bellowed them. It was Financial Times reporter Anna Gross who must have […]

The post Nigel Farage’s shocking response to a woman journalist who dared ask a question he didn’t like didn’t just speak volumes, it bellowed them appeared first on The Poke.

Zia Yusuf, the newly appointed and entirely unelected ‘shadow Home Secretary’ of Reform UK celebrated his new job by going on BBC’s Newsnight, and ended the evening probably wishing he hadn’t bothered. Because while Victoria Derbyshire is always on top form, on Tuesday night she went to the absolute next level over Reform’s apparent intention […]

The post Victoria Derbyshire just magnificently owned Zia Yusuf over Robert Jenrick and it simply gets better and better appeared first on The Poke.

To the world of JD Vance, surely the only American politician even less likeable than Donald Trump. The American vice president was asked by Martha MacCallum on Fox News if he was eying up the presidential role in 2028 (assuming Trump doesn’t try to cling on, obviously). And his D-minus answer suggests he probably shouldn’t. […]

The post JD Vance was asked if he’d run for president and his D- answer suggests he probably shouldn’t appeared first on The Poke.

The word ‘chronotachysis’ describes the idea that time moves faster as we age, as anyone over the age of 40 will tell you. As you get older, time flies whether you’re having fun or not. They’ve been chatting about this slightly distressing phenomenon on the AskUK subreddit after OpenCantaloupe4790 posted this: What do you refuse […]

The post ‘What do you refuse to accept happened 20 years ago?’ – 23 events from two decades ago that will make you feel ancient appeared first on The Poke.