JACKSONVILLE, FL—Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content, Lord Of The Rings reader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn’t believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. “Don’t get me wrong—I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thing, but I’m on the third book, and they haven’t even kissed yet,” said Heeren, who noted that while she was enjoying love interests Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins’ flirtatious banter and dynamic, she was quickly growing impatient while waiting for the eroticism to kick in. “In the first book, when Sam was caught crouching outside the window, I was like, ‘Here we go!’ But nope, false alarm. I know people love these books, but so far I don’t get it.” At press time, Heeren had turned on the film adaptation to see if it was any “spicier.”

The post ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck appeared first on The Onion.

The post Inhuman Resources appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIX—In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. “We’re excited to finally be able to offer our customers an affordable place to crash for a bit while stuff blows over,” said U-Haul CEO Joe Shoen, adding that the rental term could be extended to however long down-on-their-luck customers need to get back on their feet. “To rent one of our indefinite-stay ‘Rough Patch’ vehicles, just give the lot operator a sad, knowing glance, and he’ll give you the keys without asking any personal questions. Plus, instead of paying for the vehicle upfront, you can just pay us back when you’re good for it. If you hole up next to a library, you can usually mooch off their Wi-Fi to get the ball rolling on some shit, but be careful where you park, because we can’t cover tickets, too—we just can’t. Look, are we saying it’s the Ritz? No. But the cargo area has a furniture pad you can use as a blanket, and if you park in a quiet alley somewhere, you can probably make it through the night without anyone bothering you.” At press time, Shoen clarified that while the trucks are technically smoke-free environments, given all the shit you already have on your plate, if you need a cigarette to take the edge off, U-Haul’s not going to get in your way.

The post U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out appeared first on The Onion.

RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age,” said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when he was a juvenile he didn’t mind being placed in the modest habitat, with its small plastic rock and budget friendly heat lamp, but that he had always figured it would be more of a short-term arrangement. “I’ve grown over the years, and this place hasn’t exactly grown with me. I mean, I try to be grateful—I know there are a lot of captive reptiles who would kill to have a stable arrangement like mine—but at the same time, it’s hard not to get jealous of my peers who live in 75-gallon terrariums with full-spectrum UVB lighting and a working waterfall. I didn’t expect anything ornate. But, you know, a tank with a little pond, some natural light, and maybe a view of the living room would be nice. I still would eventually like to have a mate to share my home with, and I just can’t do that here.” At press time, Kermit was reportedly staring at a pet supplies catalog left near the terrarium, wondering what his life might have been had things played out differently.

The post Pet Iguana Assumed He’d Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now appeared first on The Onion.

Look, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I’m the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I’m definitely no one’s idea of Hercules, it’d be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That’s because what I lack in physical strength, I more than make up for in thick, unruly pubic hair.

In today’s hypermasculine society, it seems like everyone’s obsessed with how much you can bench or how many push-ups you can do, completely ignoring the power of a massive bush that has spread like wildfire across your stomach and upper thighs. In a more enlightened era, I might’ve been praised for a tangle of pubes able to burn out the motor of a trimmer in 30 seconds, even if I couldn’t do a single chin-up. But now, people laugh at my barely visible biceps and dismiss me, no matter how often I warn them that I possess the pubes of a dozen men.

Yep, some folks have to learn the hard way.

When you’re small, lots of guys will try to take advantage of you. At a glance, I’m easy pickings for some big oaf in a bar or a musclehead rageaholic on the street looking for an excuse to start something. It’s only when they get close that they comprehend their terrible mistake. They find themselves standing before the puffed-out crotch of my blue jeans, staring dumbfounded at the unstoppable curlies that have erupted from my waistband and climbed halfway up my T-shirt. It’s not long before these dudes make themselves scarce. They know that my zipper, close to bursting, is all that stands between them and my full bristly might.

But really, I’m just a normal guy who doesn’t want trouble with anyone. The truth is, even with a pelt like mine between my legs, I never know for sure how a confrontation will go down. Maybe someone actually lands a lucky kick in my stomach instead of getting their leg trapped calf-deep. Odds are that would never happen, of course, but I don’t want to live in a world where I ever have to take that chance. 

Instead, how about a world where people look past my puniness and respect me just because I’m a fellow human being? And I never even have to mention the bushel of Brillo between my legs, except to friends or kindly strangers? Imagine that.

And it’s not just men. I know a lot of women take one look at the way my clothes hang over my thin frame and assume I’m not worth dating. Well, it’s their loss. Because if they gave me a chance, they’d realize that a guy who doesn’t have six-pack abs or huge pecs can still be packing an absolute jungle in his boxers. On rare occasions, I’ll meet a woman who couldn’t care less about how much I can lift because she knows she’ll be richly compensated with more pubic hair than she’s seen in every locker room combined in her whole life. I just wish there were more women like that.

Anyway, I know it could be worse. There are guys out there who can’t do five sit-ups without passing out and who also don’t have enough pubes to fill a lawn mower bag. I can’t fathom what I’d do if I were one of them, but fortunately, I’m not. Far from it. I am 155 pounds, and 20 of those are out-of-control pubic hair. 

And that’s the strength that matters.

The post What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, American singer-songwriter Billie Eilish successfully defended her land from members of the Tongva Tribe, an indigenous people native to the LA basin, who claim her home is built on their land.

REDMOND, WA — Peaceful social justice leaders have come to the world of Minecraft to educate gamers about peaceful resistance as a means to fight for equal rights among the marginalized and OH NO! THEY BURNED DOWN THE VILLAGE!

On a lovely jaunt to the playground this morning, I encountered a most breathtaking and addictive creation known simply as a "slide".

DALLAS, TX — One local man's life took an unexpected turn this week, after he was surprised to learn that he had a podcast.

U.S. — Mattel has announced the release of "Uno: Even More Brutal Edition" which will include cards that SWAT family members and have them arrested on bogus federal charges.

Well, after right-wingers and left-wingers alike have been waiting with bated breath for what seemed like an eternity, the latest Epstein files dump is finally here. And while, as expected, the files have been significantly redacted and appear to be missing key pieces of information, there is something pretty neat going on: This latest Epstein files dump has been redacted in a way where the remaining words tell an epic story about an icy kingdom ruled by a giant skeleton king named “Archmarian of The Frostland.”

Wow! Even though this gives the appearance that Trump’s Justice Department is definitely trying to hide something, it’s still pretty creative! 

The latest dump contains over three million pages of emails, reports, and documents pertaining to investigations into the late financier and convicted sex offender, all of which have been redacted so that they tell an epic dark fantasy tale in the spirit of George R.R. Martin or J.R.R. Tolkien. There’s no doubt that it was a real challenge for Trump’s DOJ to redact the massive trove of documents in a way that not only concealed any wrongdoing by Trump and his associates, but also whisked readers away into a frostbitten kingdom of The Frostland, a world of brutal warfare and powerful magic ruled by an ancient evil. 

Check out some of their incredible handiwork here! 

Wow! We can’t wait to wade through the remaining 3.5 million pages and find out what happens to Archmarian and his reign of icy terror!

Yep, folks, this is how you redact documents to protect powerful people who have committed unthinkable crimes. While releasing the unredacted Epstein files may have helped bring many powerful people to justice, at least this version shows that creativity and imagination still exist in a world that is getting darker by the day. This is pretty damned neat!

Well, here’s some downright incredible luck: This woman who always seems to have a bunch of stuff wrong with her also happens to be a treasure trove of natural remedies. 

Dang. What are the odds?!

Twenty-seven-year-old food co-op cashier Alyssa Hendricks completely hit the jackpot with her rare combination of traits: She suffers from nearly every malady under the sun, but is also an absolute walking encyclopedia of natural remedies. Whenever a friend makes any mention of not feeling so hot, Alyssa will chime in with, “Colloidal silver completely cleared up my last ear infection,” or, “Dry needling was a complete game changer when I had frozen shoulder syndrome.” Yep, it seems like there isn’t a single thing that Alyssa can come down with (which she does quite often) that she doesn’t have some sort of natural cure at the ready for. 

“Alyssa stayed with me when her apartment was being sprayed for bed bugs last summer,” said her coworker Sarah Martin. “She was only at my place for five days, but it was remarkable how many things went wrong with her that she was able to treat with her knowledge of alternative medicine. Candida, Lyme disease, nighttime anxiety …every time something popped up, she just so happened to know the best homeopathic or naturopathic way of treating it. How one person can both get sick with so many things and treat them successfully with alternative medicine is beyond me. It was incredible!”

Wow. Someone take this woman to Vegas, because she seems lucky as hell!

While Alyssa is still working on the right combination of herbal remedies to cure her long Covid, EMF sensitivity, and TMJ, her wealth of natural healing knowledge has cleared up dozens of ailments in the past month alone. Keep rubbing that rabbit’s foot, Alyssa, because you possess a truly remarkable amount of luck!

Whether you’re a META stockholder or just a casual Facebook user, get ready to get pumped, because Facebook is making a major change that’s going to make everyone’s lives so much easier: Facebook has announced that instead of flagging all the misinformation, they’re just going to start flagging the actual information. 

So much yes! Talk about improving efficiency. 

Despite significantly reducing their threshold for what can be considered misinformation after Trump’s reelection in 2024, Facebook still has its hands full with attempting to control the misinformation and blatant propaganda that frequently circulates on its site. From foreign bot farms to AI deepfakes, a tipping point has been reached where the vast majority of posts circulating Facebook are dubious, misleading, and downright harmful. But a simple tweak to their misinformation policy is about to make the lives of Facebook’s fact checkers and users alike so much easier, as Facebook will now operate on the presumption that every post you see is bullshit unless it’s specifically denoted as not being such. 

“From now on, if you see something on Facebook, you can just go ahead and assume it’s not information unless we’ve specifically flagged it as such,” explained Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “This policy change is a win for both Facebook users and our poor, overworked fact checkers. If the video or post you’re seeing in your feed is a real thing that actually happened, it will display a green checkmark denoting that it contains actual information. Posts which contain lies about vaccines that some person just made up, AI videos of brave soldiers cleaning barnacles off of whales, and other nonsense can just be assumed to be dumb crap. If users see a post they feel may contain actual information, they are free to flag the post and our staff of highly trained fact checkers will review the post within 24 days and flag it if it is determined to be information.”

Wow. Seems like this is something they should have done a long time ago. 

But there’s more! Another cool feature that Facebook is implementing is the ability to filter the actual information out of your feed, which will be the default setting on all accounts and can be turned off by navigating to Settings>Information>Show Information In My Feed>Yes. This move makes a lot of sense, Facebook!

Some people take their sweet, sweet time to pay back money they owe you. In this economy, that behavior isn’t just annoying, it’s downright rude! That’s why it’s so incredible to see mobile payment services roll out an accountability-minded feature like this: Venmo’s newest feature will register users who ignore a friend’s payment for more than a week as sex offenders. 

Absolutely brilliant. Friends who ‘conveniently’ don’t see your Venmo request for weeks on end are about to learn a big, big lesson about financial responsibility!

Announced in a press release today, Venmo’s new policy, meant to deter people from dragging out their response to a friend’s payment request, automatically registers users on the National Sex Offender Public Website for failing to repay a friend within seven business days. Regardless of the transaction’s size, whether it’s $5 or $1,000, ignoring a friend’s Venmo request for over a week will now result in the same level of social disgrace and loss of rights normally reserved for convicted sexual predators. 

The request’s sender can issue friends a ‘Reminder’ that their life will be ruined if they don’t settle up soon, but once those seven days pass, the only Venmo transactions these users will be making are with their criminal pervert neighbors in the trailer park they’re forced to live in due to the limited housing options available to registered sex offenders.

“Paying back friends in a timely manner simply isn’t a priority for some of the lazier, more disrespectful Venmo users out there, but it’s about to be, if the threat of permanent social ruin is enough motivation for them,” wrote Eden Robbins, Venmo’s Director of Product Design, in the feature’s announcement. 

“Venmo makes paying friends as simple as tapping a few buttons. The process is far too easy to prolong for over a week. Know what’s not easy? Rebuilding your life after winding up on a public sex offender registry. We advise all Venmo users to start paying friends back sooner than later, as we’re currently developing even harsher repercussions for people who take over a week to pay back amounts under $25, because drawing out your response to a request that reasonable, when you could just tap three buttons and move on, is petty in a way that necessitates an equally drawn out, violent response.”

Wow. Venmo is bringing back personal accountability in a huge way!

This is incredible peace of mind for anyone putting their card down when out with friends. Here’s to Venmo for leading with a stick and teaching its entire user base a valuable lesson about paying people back on a respectful timetable!

The Trump administration has avoided accountability for the disaster unfolding in Minneapolis at every turn. But now, it looks like the fallout has reached a level that’s forcing them to restrategize: President Trump is now urgently reminding everyone that he is in the Epstein files to distract from ICE murdering U.S. citizens. 

Wow, Trump has totally reversed course here…this is the move of someone who knows they’ve backed themselves into a corner.

In an attempt to draw the public’s attention away from the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti by ICE agents, as well as his own insensitive, dishonest, and widely-criticized handling of the situation, President Trump has begun flooding the press and social media with reminders that he is more implicated in the Epstein files than anyone outside of Jeffrey Epstein himself. Earlier today, when addressing White House press, Trump brought out an easel with large blown up photos of the lewd birthday card—in which he referred to the pedophile financier as a “pal”—that he personally drew for Epstein, and scolded reporters for asking about Minneapolis “when there’s all this damning evidence that [I] partook in sex with minors human trafficked by Epstein.”

“You’re talking to a literal pedophile right now, and you’re asking about Minneapolis? You’re still asking about that? So typical of the fake news media to talk about ICE’s wanton use of deadly force when I’m showing you mountains of proof that I was best friends with, and an accomplice of, THE Jeffrey Epstein, who was, and is, a horrible rapist of children, just like me,” Trump berated one reporter. “If you think deploying an army of untrained, masked federal agents with qualified immunity to terrorize and kill unarmed Americans is a big deal, that anyone cares about except left-wing nutjobs, you’re not a very smart person. My name is all over the Epstein files. I’m almost the main character in them. And you want me to talk about Minne-whatever it’s called? Don’t waste my time.”

As expected, Kristi Noem and Stephen Miller followed their boss in lockstep, making Trump’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein a primary talking point in response to public outrage over ICE’s growing reputation for killing anyone over anything they want without consequence. Both Noem and Miller are deflecting all inquiries into why President Trump is pushing a narrative that contradicts direct video evidence of Alex Pretti’s death with demands to know why the media isn’t referring to President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein as “the Luigi and Mario of raping minors.”

Suffice it to say, the Trump administration is in full damage control mode right now, and they’re using every deflection tactic in his playbook. 

President Trump is clearly sweating the backlash he’s receiving over Minneapolis, and he’s doing everything he can to shift the national conversation towards the lengthy paper trail of evidence that he was a pedophilic eskimo brother of Jeffrey Epstein. Only time will tell if Trump can shake off the blowback of ICE’s extrajudicial killings. Until then, you can expect to hear a whole lot more about the Epstein files from 47.

WASHINGTON — Officials with Immigration and Customs Enforcement are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are failing the ASVAB, sources confirmed today.

“ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office.

The Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement.

“The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.”

According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for ICE service — has fallen to historic lows.

“The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are disqualified from military service is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.”

ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘genius-level military jobs, relative to ICE.’

“Kids are taking jobs like Army infantryman or Marine wall-licker, which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar.

In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, outside-the-box recruiting solutions.

“We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.”

These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what Alex Pretti was doing when they shot him ten times. 

The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘racism waiver,’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice.

“That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing Stephen Miller, a level-150 racist serving in the White House.

Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic.

“We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door.

Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent

He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

‘Near Veterans’ Seek Recognition For Almost Serving In Military

Veterans often find it difficult to relate their experiences to friends and family, but a new organization is working to expand that brotherhood.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps

Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business

Duffel BlogDark Laughter

Marine Commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now

Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.

Duffel BlogRed Friday

WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks were, in fact, entirely made up.

“Gotcha,” Caudle said.

Flanked by grinning senior Navy leaders, Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — was actually a prank as old as the nation itself. An accompanying press release from the Office of the Naval Historian stated that the elaborate hoax dates back to Revolutionary-era tensions between Esek Hopkins, the Navy’s first commander, and Gen. George Washington, owing to the latter’s preeminence and nominal control over the Continental Navy.

In a letter to his wife, Hopkins reportedly wrote:

“Gen’l Washington is a pricke. He bears himself with such sanctimony one’d think the Almighty’d granted him command by thunderbolt. In truth, the man’s a pompous, overweening popinjay, and I’ll be damn’d if I heed the counsel of so preenin’ a fop — leastwise not one who sees the Navy as naught but his waterborne mule-train.”

According to historians, Hopkins devised the “improv’d ranke” system during a binge on plundered Bahamian rum with his crew. In notes from his logbook, he described with great pride the petty ruse played on “that right bastard with wood’n teeth and a disposition to match,” tricking the famously straight-laced Washington into inadvertently using the foul language of a common sailor.

Of the Navy’s most basic enlisted rank, Hopkins wrote:

“I’ll name ‘em Seamen, spelled right but soundin’ wrong — and next time the goode Virginian’s troops need their arses saved, he’ll be beggin’ me fer all semen he can get, with nary a clue he’d saved his boys, but made an arse of hisself. The joke’ll outlive us all.”

Hopkins further decreed that enlisted sailors would simply invent their own ranks as they saw fit, but present them “solemn as Sunday,” ensuring soldiers would assume any confusion stemmed from their own ignorance rather than Navy fuckery. As the prank evolved through the 19th century, limited standardization was introduced to better conceal the deceit, generally restricting ranks to a few capital letters followed by numbers that looked official enough from a distance.

“My Labradoodle’s name is Mr. Gumballs and I was born in 2002,” explained MRG02 Bethany Evanchuk, a public affairs E-3 taking photos at the press conference. “It just felt right.”

Her supervisor, BBC69 Carissa Nowak, said such choices were common.

“We usually just pick something we like,” she said, declining to explain hers.

Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.

Since the shooting of Alex Pretti, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “come and take them” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way.

Even the ancient Spartans would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary 300, which was about fighting to keep immigrants out of your country. Not a rifle in sight.

Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me open-carrying an AR-15 in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the cops to shoot me, and frankly I’d have understood.

It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the Bill of Rights sometime. Sure, freedom of speech sounds good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their freedom of speech to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. That sounds like woke.

People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. The Second Amendment literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them for saying the word ‘fascist.’

ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. And on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know how many ICE officers have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument.

AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community, has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today.

The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a quiet erosion of principles, feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “COMMUNISM IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard, I went to IRAQ,” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard.

“It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based on whatever the president just said.”

Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “Please take it, daddy,” “Kick in my door, kidnap my family,” and “Shoot here, masked officer,” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye.

Many customers expressed excitement about the new line.

“I used to support the Second Amendment for white people, and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “Pussy Magnet” Johnson. “But now that the federal government — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.”

“I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was going to come take our guns,” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.”

Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have been five years old,” which the company expects to be top sellers.

At press time, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my knees for you, Mr. Policeman” shirts on the way to a botox appointment.

Opinion: I support the troops 100% as long as they agree 100% with my political views

By Doug Abernathy

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it

“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking.”

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog

TRUE PATRIOT! Local veteran supports whatever random thing Trump is doing in Middle East right now

Now THAT is a patriot! Unlike shiftless Democrats, Anders has stuck by President Trump through thick and thin.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

8 Grunt Style T-shirts that scream ‘I can’t move on’

There’s one for every professional veteran.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt

Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’

Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring countless division officers, and being named Sailor of the Year twice. But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that.

Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with port-call stories and sea tales that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes. 

“One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off in the Philippines with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.”

McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in human trafficking, kidnapping, aggravated assault, and possibly murder. The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear.

Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales.

“Prostitution is illegal, so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I really hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.”

Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced.

“Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. Or the U.N.” Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?”

McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character.

“I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of Valtrex. “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending freedom and democracy around the world.”

Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells.

“Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to hack ATMs in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t break the law that casually. Right?”

US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer

“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaign

The service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

US Navy Adds Creative Writing Course To SEAL Training

Navy officials are adding a grueling 40 hours of creative writing classes to the already intense selection program.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehow

So weird.

Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu

Navy Praises Blue Digital Uniforms After Two Sailors Lost At Sea

SAN DIEGO, CA - In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).” The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

SARAH Ferguson needs stuff and is not afraid to repeatedly hassle anyone in a better position than her for help. Are you at risk of being her next target? 

What properties do you own? 

Fergie has previously targeted those with English country houses, French vineyards, and Manhattan apartments that she can occupy rent-free for a few months while complaining about the quality of the staff. However, a recent decline in her living conditions means nobody with a spare room in their three-bed semi in Swindon is safe. ‘It’ll only be a few months!’

What business experience do you have? 

Like many covertly after your cash, Fergie may approach under the guise of wanting business advice. Previously she approached credulous American billionaires, but today? Even the owner of a Crewe off licence may receive an email saying ‘u r sooo good at business, can u hlep launch mine? needs £200,000 seed capital’.

Do you do any charity work? 

Fergie loves a bit of charity work because it means she can fly first-class anywhere and claim it as promotional expenses. If you do so much as volunteer for Macmillan one morning a fortnight, she’ll be in your DMs asking ‘any chance u culd put in word for me with the board? i’m very persuasive with investors. pls I need this’.

Have you ever mentioned your house is in a state? 

The woman who emailed Epstein ‘I am wanting to work for you at organising your houses’ won’t miss an opportunity like this. Having run multiple households, she considers herself an expert at giving orders to your staff for a stipend of not more than £1m a year. You don’t have staff? How do you live?

Do you have a job? 

You work? And earn money from doing so? This is considered basically unfair by Fergie, who is unable to because of a lack of skills, experience and motivation coupled with a surfeit of breeding. Consequently, she feels it only just that you tithe 33 per cent of your earnings as the night manager of a drive-thru McDonald’s to her. It’s how the aristocracy functions.

EVERY female member of staff at a primary school is either pregnant, on maternity leave or about to become pregnant. 

The entire female body of staff at the Birchwood Primary Academy in Godalming, which is 78 per cent of them, enjoys a fertility rate roughly three times the national average and set to rise higher.

Parent Emma Bradford, whose sons attend the school, said: “I don’t know what’s going on but they should prescribe this place on the NHS.

“My seven-year-old’s class teacher is off on maternity leave, her temporary replacement finishes for maternity leave next week, and her replacement is visibly showing. It’s a Russian doll of endless fecundity.

“You’d think being around children would put them off sex, I know it has me. But they’re barely hired before they’re up the duff. It’s a one-school population explosion.

“Then they all come back part-time and the school has to hire more teachers who get pregnant in turn and so on. Soon the school will only exist to teach the children of the staff. After that they will take the county, then the country, then the world.”

Headteacher Julian Cook said: “There’s nothing suspicious about it. It’s just that primary teaching is easy and has 13 weeks of holidays with nothing to do but shag.”

THE British electorate is quietly impressed with the sheer traitorous evil of the Lord Mandelson scandal equalling anything done by the Tories. 

The revelation that Lord Mandelson leaked sensitive information to a convicted paedophile financier to depose a prime minister has the public marvelling at Labour’s ability to pull off wrongdoing on such monumental scale.

Martin Bishop of Holyhead said: “It’s always the shy, boring political parties you least expect, isn’t it? Congratulations to everyone involved.

“I thought the Starmer administration had peaked with Angela Rayner vaping in a dinghy. I was resigned to it limping along with nothing but legally barring a sitting mayor from a by-election or a junior chess club champion outrage to keep us entertained.

“But this one? Bringing back a New Labour grandee for him literally to be caught with his trousers down? Emails alternately selling secrets to bankers and checking his boyfriend’s still on the payroll? A masterstroke.

“Under investigation by police? Stepping down from the Lords? Soon to flee to a country with no extradition treaty? This is like Profumo for the modern day. History-making stuff. I bet the cabinet’s ecstatic.”

Nikki Hollis from Newcastle said: “This shitstorm connects Labour to Epstein, to Andrew, and to Trump, reminds you of what a twat Blair was and besmirches Brown’s judgement. It’s the Avengers: Endgame of f**k ups.

“I just hope they’ve kept something in reserve. We’ll need at least one asphyxia-wank furore to tide us over until the election.”

MARTYN Lewis has criticised the student loan system which leaves graduates with unpayable debts of £53,000. Was your time at uni worth such a hefty sum?

Gigs

The live music scene is touted as a reason to go to decent universities, but memories of seeing Fred Again at Leicester SU do not justify a lifetime of debt. And the union’s political leanings mean it’s usually indie acts who say the right things about Palestine who get booked, so actually it’s Sleaford Mods, Bob Vylan, Idles, Sleaford Mods again.

Sex

Universities can’t put ‘You’ll get laid, guaranteed’ on the prospectus for legal reasons. But, surrounded as you are by hot young singles with no gender imbalance unless you study engineering, it’s likely. Whether that’s worth £53k at nine per cent is another matter. That buys a great many Tinder dates or if you’re into honesty, escorts.

Alcohol savings

Cheap booze has always been a perk of university, but even with pints at an optimistic £2 you’d need to drink an impractical 35 every day to recoup your debt. The rapid weight gain would limit your social life to Warhammer Soc and blue chip employers are traditionally unwilling to recruit graduate trainees in the final stages of liver failure.

Increased earnings

The average graduate salary is £42k, £10k higher than non-graduates, so it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll benefit financially in the long term. Sadly, it also means a lifetime of being told aggressively ‘you should have learned a trade’ by twats who don’t go around furiously telling plumbers they really f**ked up by not knowing the key themes of Middlemarch.

Fashion

University is a chance to explore your authentic self and your personal style, and the results are usually criminal. White-boy dreads, goth make-up for 9am lectures, dungarees. If you fell for the peer pressure that makes those cool, you shouldn’t be paying loans but receiving compensation for spending your prime years looking such a dick.

Acquiring knowledge

Supposedly the point. But who really cares about the factions in the Spanish Civil War? It’s over. Likewise if you’re working with isotopes of Mendelevium, you won’t be expected to refer to your lecture notes. Nobody’s ever pulled by summarising the arguments of Kant, so you must conclude this is one area where university definitely isn’t worth it.

A video about a conspiracy theory went viral in 2025 for the pure stupidity of the content. If there were a Conspiracy Theory of the Year award, this would have to win. In fact, we’re seriously considering starting one, just to honour this American’s batshittery. Brace yourself – @mysticfinland What ? #finland #suomi #finnish ♬ […]

The post The conspiracy theory that Finland doesn’t exist probably won’t be the maddest American thing you hear today, but it’s up there appeared first on The Poke.

It’s the job of our parents or caregivers to love us, protect us and guide us thought life’s tribulations. And also, it seems, to tell us fibs for a laugh which end up make us look a bit foolish when we grow up. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskReddit page after eatbeep posed […]

The post ‘What’s a lie your parents told you that you didn’t figure out until you were an embarrassed adult?’ – 21 people whose folks were taking the mickey appeared first on The Poke.

Apparently not content with taking a wrecking ball to his home country, Donald Trump took some time out of his busy schedule to help further the downfall of another sovereign nation across the Atlantic. As Russia continues to attack Ukraine – despite both sides agreeing to a ceasefire last week – Trump’s promise to end […]

The post Donald Trump had a wild take on Vladimir Putin breaking a ceasefire with Ukraine and it exposed exactly where his values lie appeared first on The Poke.

The United States is divided along a pretty thick line right now. But all Americans, whether they like Bad Bunny or Kid Rock, should be able to agree that the Constitution holds the country together. That attitude should come from the top down, starting with the White House and the elected officials across Washington, DC. […]

The post Karoline Leavitt said Donald Trump believed in the Constitution but the unexpected payoff had Americans hollering into next week appeared first on The Poke.

If you’re not familiar with the InevitableWest account, congratulations, and we’re sorry we’re about to ruin your good luck so far. Their bio says – ‘Defender of Western values and culture. Jesus Christ is king. Account run from England.’ What they actually do is amplify racist, homophobic and Islamophobic right-wing talking points, using lies, damned […]

The post This hilariously scathing group takedown of a racist’s faux nostalgia comes straight from the hall of fame appeared first on The Poke.