What To Know About The Live-Action ‘Moana’

Disney’s live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to relive their childhood. Q: Who is the villain? A: The looming threat of a live-action Frozen. Q: What was the process for transforming Dwayne Johnson into the character Maui? A: A grueling, five-second wig application. Q: How long is Moana? A: It’s about the length of the movie Moana. Q: Are there any new songs? A: Lin-Manuel Miranda provided a new song called “Call Me Mr. Secretary (Put Me On The 10)” that was cut from Hamilton.  Q: Now that Disney’s created so many live-action remakes, what’s left? A: Melody Time, that thing where Donald Duck learns about math, and the opening credits to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Q: Why are fans calling the original better? A: They say Dwayne Johnson’s emotional range is best captured without his actual face. Q: What did the film cost? A: The beautiful, unsullied memory of the original. The Onion.

National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms

WASHINGTON—Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O’Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. “In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization’s payroll,” said O’Leary, who expressed regret that the personnel reduction was happening at a time when job openings for egomaniacal opera ghouls were at a historic low. “As much as we appreciate the contributions of these disfigured geniuses, the strain placed upon our balance sheet by rising insurance premiums for phantoms who scramble around on catwalks, as well as the cost of their masks and the candelabras needed to decorate vast and ornate subterranean lairs has left us with no other choice. And while no one doubts the passion of these phantoms, their increased acts of violence and terrorism on our productions have also created a toxic work environment.” O’Leary added that with fewer phantoms on staff, his organization hoped to finally prevent a chandelier from crashing to the ground during every performance. The Onion.

One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me

Growing up, I was always encouraged to be myself. I was taught that every person is different, and that our uniqueness is a great gift. This firm sense of self served me well as I embarked upon a career as a real estate agent, home renovator, and TV personality. But my whole identity was challenged the morning I woke up and there were two of me.   That day changed the way I think about everything. When I woke up and saw the man lying in bed next to me, I could have been staring at a reflection of myself. His hair was meticulously coiffed and his teeth artificially whitened, but something was a little off. Maybe there was a certain hollowness about the eyes. I screamed in surprise and asked who he was. Then, to my shock, the man responded in what sounded like my own voice and called me brother. At first I thought it was just a dream brought on by the stress of having too many renovations on my calendar. But when I reached out to touch his face, he gave me a high-five and yelled, “Let’s go make some magic and finish this rehab!” As we installed wainscoting that day, I started to realize just how similar we really were. This look-alike followed me around Home Depot like a shadow, and when we reached for the same box of panel board nails, we both let out the same forced laugh in perfect unison. It was totally surreal. I remember seeing his face playfully peek through a hole I had hammered into the drywall and thinking, for a half-second, that it was a mirror. When I called my mother, I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Is there another me? The question made her as confused as I was, but not for the reason I expected. She claimed he had always been with me. That was impossible, though—I’d never met this man before in my life! She insisted I turn on the tele-vision and look for myself. I couldn’t believe my eyes. For years I’d hosted the HGTV series Property Brother, but on my screen now was a show called Property Brothers. As in plural. It was the same logo and everything, but with an “s” at the end. There we were, my doppelgänger and I, side-by-side as we transformed fixer-uppers into dream homes. In episode after episode, we could be seen pulling pranks, ribbing each other, working to ensure each renovation was on time and on budget. Any viewer would assume, falsely, that these two men shared a deep bond. Pretty soon I’m seeing me and my clone on billboards, on social media, in ads during hockey games. I watched the Daytime Emmys, and someone who was an absolute dead ringer for me was walking Zooey Deschanel down the red the carpet. I couldn’t escape it. Wherever I went, people asked me about my “twin.” I was left with no choice but to confront this man who claimed to be my brother and called himself Jonathan. I walked into the kitchen where he was picking out tiles for a new backsplash, grabbed a putty knife, and held it to his throat. “Where did you come from?” I yelled. With a wry smile on his face, he calmly instructed me to “take a deep breath” and “trust the process.” In my ensuing madness, I considered ending Jonathan’s life. We were working on a couple’s forever home, one with beautiful hardwood floors that no one would dream of tearing up to search for a body. The time was right to strike. Yet when I got him alone in our trailer, Jonathan stopped me cold with a dire warning: “If you kill me, you kill yourself.” Since then, I’ve tried to make my peace with the knowledge that there are two of me in this world. It’s still startling to see his—our—face turning the corner of a hallway in a refurbished condo, but we’ve had fun sharing our wardrobes of slim-fit oxford shirts and well-pressed flannel button-downs. On occasion, I even answer to “Jonathan.” But each morning I wake fearing there could be a third Property Brother out there. The whole experience has left me with one question I just can’t seem to shake:  Who am I?  The Onion.

NASA Discovers Concerning Lump On Mars

PASADENA, CA—In an unsettling discovery that scientists described as a “potential cause for alarm,” NASA officials confirmed Monday that they had found a concerning lump on Mars. “It’s a large, unmovable mass on Mars that appears firm to the touch, with jagged edges,” said astrobiologist Bryce Varden, noting the location of the growth on the underside of the planet, which he stated “often goes unchecked.” It’s likely a benign build-up of sediment, which is extremely common for a celestial body of that age. “However, it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially given the Red Planet’s long history of direct sun exposure,” he added. “That spot on Jupiter ended up being nothing, but you never know.” Varden added that he would be able to find out more in a few decades when NASA was able to obtain samples from the Perseverance rover and get them over to the lab for examination. The Onion.

Sue Klepper

Sue Klepper, 90, passed away surrounded by family, friends, and a registered nurse who was kind of just awkwardly hanging around. The Onion.

Nazi Really Regretting Getting Graham Platner Tattoo

BANGOR, ME — In the wake of the Democratic nominee suspending his Senate campaign, local Nazi Wade Marks expressed regret over getting his Graham Platner tattoo.

Introverted Conference Attendee Torn Between Participating In Icebreaker And Throwing Self Off Bridge

BROOKLYN, NY — Introverted conference attendee Art Pendelton was torn this morning between participating in a mandatory icebreaker or throwing himself off a bridge.

10 Best Candidates To Replace Graham Platner

Democrats are scrambling to come up with alternate options in the race for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, where primary winner Graham Platner faces mounting calls to drop out. But who could the party come up with to take his place?

GOP Senators Reassure Public They Spoke With Mitch McConnell Just This Morning By Going To Witch Of Endor

WASHINGTON, D.C — GOP senators responded to concerns about the health of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell by assuring the public they had spoken with him, just this morning in fact, by consulting with a medium identified as the Witch of Endor.

MLB Introduces New Rule Where Batters Can Challenge Umpire To A Duel

NEW YORK, NY — As part of its ongoing effort to modify the game and update it to improve the accuracy of its officiating, Major League Baseball announced on Wednesday that it was instituting a new rule where batters could challenge the umpire to a duel.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous

Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results

Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired

The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.

Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.

Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea

WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.

Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously

THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.

I joined Reform because I’m into corruption, says Jenrick

In your wheelie bin: My definition of safe spaces, by a delivery driver

LOOKING for a parcel that’s allegedly arrived? Don’t worry. I, your humble and innovative delivery driver, have left it in one of these clever places. Under your doormat Wasn’t this a great choice for a thin, letter-like delivery? Shame it’s your new hoover I’ve comically attempted to hide under two centimetres of fuzz instead. But like a toddler who hasn’t yet developed object permanence, I can’t really tell the difference. In a bush Foliage has long been used for hiding both things and people. That’s why I thrust your precious goods into the epicentre of the world’s thorniest bush. You’ll need either a qualification in tree surgery or some delusional Disney prince-style heroics to reach it, but I know you love a challenge! With a neighbour you’ve never met in a different street I’ve really done well with this one – your delivery is inside and protected from all the elements. You may have to encounter a tiny bit of stranger danger when retrieving it, but with luck that neighbour isn’t the one responsible for all those missing cats, so you’ll just have to endure the mild peril of tedious small talk. In your bin Very few enterprising thieves will look in this spot, and the smelly goo will hide it even more, so it’s extra safe here. There’s a slight chance it could be bin day when I deliver and the parcel could get taken away with the rubbish, but just think of it as extremely preemptive recycling. You are such an eco warrior! On the roof You might think anyone can get this job, but we train for it like the Olympics. That’s the only explanation for how I’ve managed to slingshot your new headphones two storeys up and next to your chimney. I should get a gold medal. You should get a ladder. Honestly, who knows? I’ve sent a picture, but it’s so blurry it could be anywhere, or anything! It might not even be your item, but instead a different kind of package and I’m actually sexually harassing you. Just kidding! But I am helping keep your brain active by giving you these puzzles. What would you do without me? Get dementia in later life, that’s what!

Man concerned at how quietly girlfriend can have sex when necessary

A MAN who was impressed by how quietly his girlfriend was able to have sex while staying at his parents’ house is now worried instead. Josh Hudson thought it was good of girlfriend Nikki Hollis to keep the volume down with his parents in the next room, but became alarmed when she showed no sign of wanting to make any noise at all.  Hudson, 28, said: “At first I was impressed that Nikki was so considerate and had so much self-control. But then I began to think her total silence might be hiding a terrifying truth. “Sure, she doesn’t usually scream when we do it at her flat or mine, but I always thought she made a normal amount of noise. Obviously I am a very competent lover, based on never actually asking anyone, so why would she be faking it? “But last Saturday is freaking me out. Could it be that my girlfriend has never been sufficiently aroused by me grimly thrusting away like I’m clearing a blocked sink to lose control? I don’t see how that’s possible.” Hollis, 29, said: “Obviously I was in the throes of passion, just in the throes of passion completely silently. It’s a skill women evolved to avoid being eaten by predators, probably. “Anyway how could I not be having an incredible orgasm after three whole minutes of sex in Josh’s childhood bedroom with Optimus Prime staring at me?”

What happens in The Odyssey, by an online right-wing arsehole

THE Odyssey, a proud story of white men’s heroism, has been totally ruined by a woke film adaptation. Let me tell it how Homer did, six Stellas in: Odysseus, known as Oddie to his mates, had been out with the lads to Troy. He’d kicked arse, impressed a sexy bird and was off home. But no way was he asking directions. So he ends up a bit astray on this island of the lotus-eaters. Now he’s very much a lager man, but has a puff and ends up trapped there for bloody ages while they bore his arse off about cultural approbation or some shite. You know how lefties are. He eventually breaks free by saying he’ll go and get Rizlas, but he’s a bit befuddled and him and the boys only end up with this cyclops. Ugly bugger. Only got one eye so of course he’s raking it in, benefits-wise. Got a free island off the state. They escape from him by shagging sheep, sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team, but veer off course again when they see this lap-dancing club called Circe’s. Oddie’s not up for it exactly but nor is he in a rush to go home to the wife. So they’re in there, the lads acting like pigs with their snouts in a trough, when this Circe says the strippers, a racially diverse crew but in the good way, deserve to present the football just like white men. He’s not having that, so he gives her one and they piss off. Wise to it they plug their ears to the Sirens, who are the Loose Women of the Aegean, always harping on about bollocks, and he steers deftly between the Cilla and the Charybdis, the first representing wokery and the second going a bit too Elon Musk. He makes it home and there’s all these blokes grooming up his wife. Foreigners. He fires an arrow through all their heads, his dog recognises him like you see in those videos on Facebook where US servicemen come home that make me tear up a bit, job done. Greatest story ever told, mate, with a timeless message: you can’t trust abroad. Get the pints in, my mouth’s drier than a Trojan’s sandal.

Genital hygiene, and other responsibilities you can sack off in a heatwave

AS you brace yourself for another heatwave, remember you can use it as an excuse to get out of annoying tasks. Such as these time-wasting chores: Genital hygiene Keeping a tidy shop downstairs is basic behaviour in normal weather. During a heatwave though you’re allowed to forego a deep clean of your flaps and orifices in the shower. There’s simply no point. Within minutes they’ll be all sweaty again, so it’s not like your partner will want to interact with them anyway. A cursory rinse should prevent hideous skin diseases. Clothes-wearing Even the lightest of garments risks making you overheat. Besides, it’s too hot for your clammy hands to fasten complicated buttons and zips. If you work from home you can simply roll out of your sweat-stained bed and slither over to your computer naked. If you work in an office, a conveniently placed plant pot should allow you to work in the nude. Don’t bother consulting HR first, they’ll appreciate you not bothering them with trivia. Sweat regulation Antiperspirants weren’t made for temperatures of this magnitude. Even the quantities of Lynx applied by teenage boys won’t stop the torrents of sweat pouring off your body. Don’t bother trying to hold back the tide like King Canute – remember that sweat is a natural cooling mechanism, and nothing natural is ever bad. Except tornadoes, shark attacks, thousands of sadistic diseases and in fact virtually everything in nature except rainwater and a few plants. Employment obligations Heatwaves put things into perspective, such as how utterly f**king pointless your job is. Who cares if it puts a roof over your head when the planet is hurtling towards its fiery endgame? Everyone’s just idly pushing their mouse around until hometime anyway, so don’t feel bad if you’re running out the clock. It’s not like you’re paid danger money for the serious risks of being a bit clammy. Anything beyond groaning in the shade Paying your electricity bill, dropping the kids at school, doing the big shop – these can all f**k off until temperatures drop back down to the mid twenties. The only thing you can reasonably be expected to do in this weather is stagger to some shade, collapse to the floor and let out a little whimper. Even trudging to the toilet is asking too much.

Donald Trump struggling to understand a reporter’s question about Russia and Ukraine is a perfect snapshot of the state of the White House right now

This international member of the media just did the impossible: she got Donald Trump to stop talking. The US President’s disastrous NATO summit appearance hit a different kind of low when he was asked about Ukraine striking Russia. Usually Trump talks and talks until he makes us all stupider by association. This time around, he […] The Poke.

Donald Trump’s been showing off his expertise of roadside bombs and it totally blew up in his face – 17 explosive responses

“Explain it to me like I’m a 5-year-old” is a phrase that pops up on social media when commenters want to discuss a complicated issue. It’s a great way to distill a complex conversation down to the most important facts. It should not, however, be how the most powerful man in America learns about current […] The Poke.

An unfortunately shaped weather pattern formed across the US, and the New York Post whipped out their juvenile puns

Residents of Minnesota, Iowa and Wisconsin are bracing themselves for thunderstorms, hail, damaging winds, and heavy rain over the next couple of days. Alarming stuff, but it was the meteorological image of the thunderstorm risk zone which turned out to be even more alarming. Here’s the chart. Oh matron! The New York Post shared the […] The Poke.

Gregg Wallace has been pitching content ideas to his Insta followers and it’s straight outta Partridge

Ever since Gregg Wallace’s ignominious exit from MasterChef last year, after an external investigation upheld 45 allegations of misconduct, including inappropriate comments and physical contact, the cheeky cockney chappy has been using Instagram as his main communication channel and to plug his paid-for Cameo videos where he cooks up personalised messages for anyone who wants […] The Poke.

People are sharing the films, TV shows and games they enjoyed right up until the rubbish ending – 17 finales that made fans furious

Certain pieces of media have endings that define the whole programme. But sadly not everything goes out on a high like The Sopranos or Mad Men. If you’re adverse to spoilers, click away to a different article on The Poke now. That’s because Pristine_Seat6090 wanted to learn about finales that flopped by putting the following […] The Poke.