The Onion
Kash Patel Under Fire For Using FBI Jet To Blow-Dry Hair
WASHINGTON—Drawing intense scrutiny for what opponents have characterized as misuse of agency resources, FBI director Kash Patel came under fire Tuesday for using an FBI jet to blow-dry his hair. “On numerous occasions, Kash Patel has inappropriately utilized a government-funded Gulfstream jet to add shine and smoothness to his hair after a shower,” said Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin, adding that Patel’s hair care habits had already cost American taxpayers $250,000 in jet fuel alone. “This aircraft is intended for important government business, but Patel has repeatedly used it for his own personal grooming. Just last week, he delayed an FBI forensics team’s response to the scene of a mass shooting by blow-drying his hair for a date with his girlfriend in Nashville. After all of this administration’s feigned outrage over government waste, it’s disgraceful for an FBI director to interrupt federal investigations so he can dry off after partying with the U.S. men’s hockey team in Milan.” According to FBI officials, Patel was unavailable for comment on the alleged misuse of government resources because he had mistakenly stood on the wrong side of the jet’s turbine and been sucked into the engine.
The Onion.
Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman
WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting that all heterosexual males could claim up to $5 million each by documenting abuses such as being denied a second date, not receiving photos upon texting ‘send nudes,’ or being given false contact information to thwart any possibility of future interaction. “Whether you’re an Uber driver who had his heart broken by a lady passenger who refused your marriage proposal or one of the millions of men who was cruelly abandoned by a woman after two exchanges on a dating app, you can receive payment. Of course, financial compensation doesn’t undo the tremendous emotional damage of not getting anything you want from a woman. But hopefully it will ease some of the pain for men who sent a bouquet of roses every day for a month to a woman’s place of work, only to be told their behavior was off-putting and vaguely threatening.” Trump added, however, that men would never be penalized for rejecting women and would, in fact, be eligible for a tax break if they told a date to her face that they didn’t think she’d be so fat.
The Onion.
I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher
Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we’re not angry. If anything, we’re just sad you didn’t think you could tell us you were the Santa Fe Slasher.
Why didn’t you tell us the truth? Did you think we’d be mad? Disappointed? Ashamed to be the parents of an active serial killer? No! Of course not!
Now, I’ll admit we were a bit surprised at first. We didn’t know you even liked knives. But we’re your parents, pumpkin. We’ll love and support you no matter what you do! We don’t care how many dozen people you’ve stabbed, or how many other unconfirmed victims there might be. There’s nothing shameful about being the most prolific serial killer in New Mexico state history.
When we saw those first grisly news reports six months ago, we never would have guessed it was you. Not because there’s anything wrong with being the Santa Fe Slasher. We just really believed you all those times you said you were going to play Fortnite and sleep over at Matt’s house. But then one night we called Matt’s parents, and they said Matt had been dead for weeks. Your father and I exchanged looks, like, “Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound right.” Then we poked around a little and found the bleach and the cleaver and the trash bag and the head, and we started getting pretty suspicious.
Yes, kiddo, I know we shouldn’t have gone in your room without asking. But your father and I were worried. We understand that was a violation of your privacy, and we’re sorry. In fact, there are other things we’d like to apologize for as well. Things like all the careless comments we’ve made in front of the TV. Thoughtless stuff like “How disturbing,” “What a nightmare,” and “Huh, is that our machete?” That’s no way for a parent to talk about their own child!
Worst of all, I remember one morning over breakfast I picked up the paper and said, “What kind of monster would stab a pageant queen more than 60 times, then stuff her corpse into a playground trash can?” Gosh, I cringe just thinking about it. It was so insensitive of me! You’re not a monster, honey. You’re a strong, smart, curious, careful, cunning mass murderer. Who are we to judge you for stabbing someone more than 60 times? Heck, you could have stabbed her 6,000 times and it would have made no difference to us.
And jeez, that’s not even the worst of it. Remember when we all went to that funeral for the Hansen girl? It was one of the closed casket ones. I marched right up to her mother at the wake and said, “Cathleen, they’re going to catch this son of a bitch, I know it, and he’s going to fry.” You were right by my side, munching on a bagel and taking in every word I said. Saying that was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I don’t want you to fry. I want you to thrive!
How much have all those knives and duct tape been costing you, anyway? I bet you’ve been burning through your allowance. Money’s a little tight right now, but I can ask around and see if we can get you any more lawns to mow. I know the Riveras probably need someone. Their yard’s basically gone to pot since you stabbed their son and his girlfriend. Not that that’s your fault, sweetheart. It’s their job to maintain their lawn.
If being the Santa Fe Slasher makes you happy, then it makes me and your father happy. Plus, from what we’ve seen in the news, it sure looks like you’re having a ball. You’re getting out of the house, you’re meeting people, and I bet it’s great exercise.
Your father and I want to support you any way we can. Maybe we could even tag along some time. That wouldn’t embarrass you too much, would it? Ooh, I can just imagine the three of us driving around the city together, hunting for victims and listening to This American Life. We’d let you do the killing, of course, but then maybe Dad and I could write something in the blood—something like “Burn in Hell for the sins of Eve!” or “God has forsaken the souls of Santa Fe.”
Alternatively, I have some beautiful stationery just piling up in the kitchen junk drawer if you’d prefer to taunt law enforcement that way. Or, if that sounds lame, your father and I will just stand there and cheer. Either way, when the body’s dumped, I promise we can all go to Dairy Queen! That is, if all this sounds good to you. We’re not trying to smother you, hon. We just want to be a part of your life. More than anything, we just want you to know how proud you make us.
Now let’s get those grades up, all right, buddy? If you do, your dad and I might even consider getting you that brand-new meat grinder you’re always asking about!
The Onion.
Greta Sampson and Arnold White
Both bride and groom knew working with a matchmaker would be a waste of time, but they were determined to get their money’s worth no matter what.
The Onion.
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening
BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life.
Lulu’s Crepes, which 10 months from now will be referred to by a loan officer as the sinkhole that devoured all of Kovac’s liquid assets, marked the occasion with complimentary food, sparkling cider, and a raffle to win a French-style beret. The café officially opened its doors to the public this week, serving both breakfast and lunch in a part of town that Kovac will soon learn is not as “up and coming” as a real estate broker led him to believe.
“We serve what I call customizable crepes, where you start with just your basic crepe and then chose from over 60 different filling options,” the first-time entrepreneur said as he showed reporters around the sole cause of his credit score plummeting hundreds of points and not recovering for decades. “A few years ago, we had some friends staying at our house, and I made crepes for breakfast. One of them said, ‘Mark, this is as good as what you’d get in a restaurant!’ That made a little bell go off in my head.”
“Think about it: Who doesn’t love crepes?” he continued. “Plus, it’s a cool hangout spot the young people are gonna love.”
As an acoustic duo played music beneath a balloon arch, Kovac sat down to discuss how he quit a stable, mid-level position at a recession-proof pharmaceutical company to work full time on his restaurant concept. The husband and father eventually hit on the idea of serving both sweet and savory crepes so “folks could stop in for dessert, a light lunch, you name it.” He also plans to serve “the best coffee in town” as soon as he figures out how to install and operate a $10,000 espresso machine he purchased.
Grinning at a small group of people who squinted at a menu to select ingredients for their crepes, Kovacs said it was great to see so many familiar faces. He had aimed to open Lulu’s last summer, but was delayed by the need for extensive renovations he paid for by cashing out a 401(k) that, if left untouched, would have accrued $2.1 million by the time he retired. When he needed help securing a 10-year commercial lease, he turned to an outside backer who soon became the namesake of his creperie.
“He named it after me—isn’t that sweet?” said Kovac’s mother, Luisa, an 81-year-old woman who will almost certainly spend her final years in a low-income senior-living facility after putting her house up as collateral to help open the café. “I’m more of a pancake girl, myself, but if Mark says there’s a goldmine in crepes, then I’m glad to invest my money in his business.”
During brief remarks to his guests, Kovac thanked his mother as well as his three children, who as a result of his ruinous passion project will not be able to afford college. He then turned to his wife.
“I could never have achieved my dream without Susan’s support,” said Kovac, embracing the woman who in time will only communicate with him through a legal mediator as they argue over the last remaining pennies in any joint accounts. “I have a feeling this adventure will bring us closer together than ever.”
“It’s true what they say,” he added. “If you do what you love [and fail to account for the razor-thin profit margins exacerbated by high staff turnover and your own inexperience in the market], you’ll never work a day in your life.”
The Onion.
ClickHole
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable
Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable.
YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it!
In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.
The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.
Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months.
“The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.”
And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands!
Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!
Duffel Blog
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction
PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Who do you want to tax, and to pay which benefit? Take our quiz
ALL Labour’s discussions are about who to tax and who to give benefits to, according to Pat McFadden. But who would you tax and for whom? Find out:
Who isn’t paying enough tax in today’s Britain?
A) Immigrants, who I believe without foundation are allowed to opt out of income tax, council tax and VAT
B) Billionaires, who I once read on social media pay a lower level of tax than house sparrows
C) Pensioners, who due to the triple lock are the richest people in the country and most of them aren’t even war veterans now
D) Benefits claimants, who receive huge lump sums tax-free because they claim to have had difficulty concentrating at school
E) Anyone who has an income either £1,000 above or £1,000 below my household
And who is unfairly receiving benefits and should have them withdrawn?
A) Poor people, who should get better jobs
B) Generation Z, who claim disability because they went to work once and it gave them a headache
C) Immigrants, who don’t deserve them because they’re not from here
D) Pensioners, who think because they delivered milk in the 1970s they deserve a 30-year free ride
E) Anyone who has an income either £1,000 above or £1,000 below my household
So who should receive benefits?
A) Hard-working British people who own their own houses
B) British people with jobs who like to watch telly in the evening
C) Honest alarm clock Britain who may have some savings put aside but could always do with more
D) Decent Brits who can’t believe the price of a pint these days
E) Ordinary, striving Britons who do online quizzes about tax and benefits
ANSWERS
A, B, C, D or E: You believe everyone but you should pay more tax, everyone but you should receive fewer benefits, and the money recouped should be paid to you in benefits. At the next election look for a party to vote for who supports this stance. It will be all of them.
University once again the preserve of rich idiots
TUITION fees and high-interest student loans have returned Britain’s universities to the domain of the wealthy and stupid, as they were intended to be.
As the scourge of intelligent teenagers from the lower orders retreats, the UK’s posh thickos can relax in their hallowed seat of learning without fear of being irritated by chippy oiks who have done the reading.
Julian Cook, who is completing a Classics degree while his father keeps a position at Lloyd’s open for him, said: “All that knowledge and meritocracy nonsense dragged the place down.
“These… people, often from the regions, swanned around like they owned the place. Which they don’t. It’s owned by the Duke of Westminster.
“The drawbridges had to be pulled up. The tuition fees are a fag to pay – my father received a full grant in his time, the family’s expert at concealing assets – but have discouraged them. Now I’m off to bang my head into a tree while laughing uncontrollably.”
Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Oh, they were so inconvenient. Wanting to be ‘taught’. Don’t they know I’ve got books to write? What’s wrong with earning a first in Medieval English by being passable at rowing?
“It’s a mercy they’re gone and I can spout Latin at uncomprehending chinless inbreds again. That’s what higher education is meant to be about.”
45-year-old who says girls in their 20s are mature asked how many men in their 20s he hangs out with
A 45-YEAR-OLD who exclusively dates women in their 20s while claiming they are ‘emotionally mature’ does not seem to have any male friends of that age.
Marketing consultant Tom Logan was explaining the 20-something women he dates provide ‘fresh perspectives’, ‘wisdom beyond their years’ and ‘a refreshing lack of emotional baggage and cellulite’ when asked why all his male friends are his age.
Booker said: “Young women are fascinating. Goddesses who introduce me to new music, new ideas and it’s so cute that they don’t remember 2004.
“But young men? They mature later. They’re still filming themselves falling off things. What would we even talk about? Football? I prefer more intellectual pursuits, like telling 22-year-olds about my Porsche while staring at their cleavage.
“A 27-year-old woman is an old soul but still refreshingly carefree and not weighed down by the cynicism of age. That won’t happen for another three years. But a 27-year-old bloke is a f**king moron.
“His brain won’t even finish developing for another eight years. A 25-year-old woman, meanwhile, has an original outlook on life and incredibly firm…opinions. Firm opinions.”
“Any young girl – sorry, woman – who dates me recognises that she’s too sophisticated for guys her own age. Though if she turns me down she’s too immature to realise what’s good for her.”
Six unmarried pop stars you still have a chance with: a guide for deluded men
DUA Lipa is off the market. But do not let that deter you, an overweight man in Reading, from your quest to land a hot, high-earning pop princess. All these are still available:
Sabrina Carpenter
Riding high with hit after hit, but still hasn’t managed to snag herself a husband. Used to be with Barry Keoghan so unconventionally attractive isn’t a problem. Enter you, a middle-aged technical support engineer with no celebrity connections. She’ll love your grounded lifestyle and at five foot three you’ll tower over her. Slide into her DMs, king.
Lily Allen
Tread carefully with this future wife. Not because Lily Allen’s been on the receiving end of a particularly messy marriage, but because if you so much as forget to put the bins out it’ll be immortalised on a three-disc concept album putting your every flaw on blast. Still, Harbour’s set the bar low and she’s vulnerable. Try your luck.
Lady Gaga
Marriage? Far too conventional for Gaga. The idea of settling down with a morbidly obese unemployed South Shields man with a council flat and gambling debts? That’s a post-modern performance art piece and just her thing. Force yourself on stage at an arena show and get down on one knee. Play it cool when she says yes.
Ariana Grande
The singer and Wicked star appears to have it all, except for a dadbod husband with a receding hairline to come home to. You’re already there in terms of physique. All you need is to attract her attention, and your upcoming conviction for criminal damage and public urination should make headlines in the Southend Echo. She’s as good as yours.
Chappell Roan
Thinks she’s a lesbian, but only because she’s spent her life around Hollywood pretty boys and hasn’t met a real man with excess body hair, a flat above a chip shop and a 2002-reg Ford Ka. Send her a sexually explicit missive and she’ll soon wipe off the face paint and be down your local trying to catch your eye. Advise her to arrive before 6pm or you’ll be pissed.
Taylor Swift
She’s not married yet. There’s still a month to go, and if she wants a washed-up former footballer who spends all his time with his brother then you had trials for Oldham Athletic in 1998, and that’s proper football, love. Attracting her attention? The method you used to win your last girlfriend – writing graffiti on bus stops – worked last time. Why not now?
‘That’s summer over then’ proclaims twat who’s probably right
AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.
Martin Bishop, aged 44, has accosted everyone he meets with the one-liner he mistakenly believes to be the pinnacle of ironic British humour, but is more likely to be an entirely accurate forecast.
He continued: “Apparently summer’s on a Wednesday next year! Eh? Eh? You like that one? Why the sour face mate, only a joke.
“Three months of chilly drizzle’s only going to make you appreciate your holiday more. And my gag, which is as British as greasy fish and chips in soggy newspaper and will surely only get funnier as the grey weeks roll on.
“After all, you can’t get more British than complaining about the weather, can you? That stiff upper lip, battling through valiantly in the face of adversity. It’s a classic. Everyone here’s just a miserable bastard who hates to laugh.”
Colleague Emma Bradford said: “He’s right about us being miserable bastards, but it’s not laughing we hate. It’s Martin.
“Is there any kind of old pagan tradition about sacrificing a regional sales manager to the gods in order to banish the clouds and guarantee a good summer? Because if not I’m willing to start one.”
The Poke
‘What did we do before we could just scroll on our phones?’ – 17 downtime habits from the pre-brain-rot era
It’s safe to say that most of us spend too much time on our phones. You might even be reading this article from the glowing slab of delights we all keep in our pockets. Endless scrolling is still a relatively new innovation though, prompting Careless_Squirrel728 to wonder what people did in their free time before […]
The Poke.
Somebody asked for ‘random fun facts’ – 22 fascinating nuggets of information to refresh your doom-scrolling brain
Do you remember the early days of the internet, when we used it to look things up and learn information, rather than to constantly marinate our minds in anger and misery? Good times, right? Well, the AskUK subreddit made a brief return to this after user 87catmama posted this: Can you hit me up with […]
The Poke.
Stephen Miller claimed Democrats were funnelling ‘trillions of dollars’ to migrants already in the US and got fact-checked ’til he farted
Everyone knows Stephen Miller will do anything to please his dear leader. That being said, even for him, this latest data point he just cooked up is a tough one to believe. Miller was speaking in regards to how Democrats have behaved since Donald Trump slithered back into the White House. He claims that the […]
The Poke.
MrBeast claimed his viewers have more money than he does and it’s a humblebrag that might get him in trouble with the IRS
Ask the average person what they think of MrBeast and they are likely to say, “He sucks and has the most punchable face on the planet.” And yet he also has so many followers on YouTube that they need to invent new numbers to count them. So it’s hard to take the internet supercelebrity at […]
The Poke.
Maga TV host Riley Gaines posted an anti-Pride Month message and got gloriously owned into next year
According to her Twitter bio, you should know Riley Gaines as the host of the Riley Gaines Show on @foxnews, as a “Best-selling Author,” and even as a “TPUSA contributor.” But chances are if you remember her at all you will remember her as the swimmer, who achieved a notoriety of sorts for tying a […]
The Poke.
