OWENSBORO, KY—Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was “basically just lying there and letting gravity happen,” local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn’t be that difficult. “Not to shit on these guys, but c’mon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, you’ve pretty much got what it takes to luge in the Olympics,” said Chou, who fairly noted that unlike other Olympic events, luge required no real lifelong dedication because “it’s not like you have a luge run in your backyard that you can go out and practice on every day growing up.” “I mean, there isn’t even a steering wheel or anything. It’s literally just lie down, point your feet, and don’t fall off—the same skill set that goes into using a couch.” Chou added that he didn’t understand why curling was the sport everyone made fun of when it actually requires “an insane amount of skill and precision,” unlike luge, where you could “honestly send down a sled full of sandbags and still probably get on the podium.”

The post ‘I Could Totally Do That,’ Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism.

Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual output of fantasy football rankings, piss-based shenanigans, and GIFs of obese pets with the kind of cultural commentary found in The Paris Review and n+1. The journal will be available both online and as a quarterly, 200‑page volume published through the University of Chicago Press.

“For years, Barstool contributors have recapped UFC fights and posted jaw-dropping SEC smoke shows, all while privately engaging in rigorous literary criticism, and we’re excited to finally share this passion with our loyal Stoolies,” said site founder Dave Portnoy, noting that as the new journal’s editor, he had already commissioned a three-part essay on Susan Sontag’s early work from longtime Barstool personality PFT Commenter. “Whether it’s an interview with Ayad Akhtar on theater’s power in the face of oppression or a review of Ocean Vuong’s latest poetry collection, this will naturally complement our ongoing touchdown dance compilations and debates over the best Nickelodeon cartoons of the ’90s.”

He added, “As intellectuals, we are equally interested in the postcolonial installation art of Guiller-
mo Gómez-Peña and humorous photo mockups depicting John Daly as Santa Claus, and we expect our readers will welcome this broadening of focus.”

Portnoy confirmed that Confluences would explore numerous disciplines, with its debut issue set to include long-form essays on the intersectional limits of third-wave feminism, the unpublished correspondence of Roland Barthes, and the best breakfast tacos in Austin, TX, as well as blackout poetry composed with cut-up Bang Energy labels and a piece from literary historian Stephen Greenblatt outlining various potential College Football Playoff wagering scenarios.

The magazine is also expected to serve as a coveted destination for contemporary writers in a range of creative fields—including such luminaries as Zadie Smith, Hilton Als, and Glenny Balls—with Pulitzer Prize finalist Ta-
Nehisi Coates scheduled to author a retrospective on the year’s craziest parking lot beatdowns.

According to sources, Confluences will also publish a 400-line prose poem adapted from a recent blog post by Barstool contributor John Feitelberg and titled “I Shit My Pants At Julian Edelman’s House.”

“Our goal is simply to advance, fearlessly, into the maelstrom of the great ontological and phenomenological inquiries of our era while also counting down a list of the funniest-looking Japanese baseball mascots,” said Portnoy, noting that the journal’s operations were made possible due to generous financial grants from the National Endowment for the Arts and Zyn-brand nicotine pouches. “What is the role of the arts in a fully digitized society? How do we reconcile the ancient Greek ideal of kalos kagathos with the constraints of postmodern aestheticism? What does the girl from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off look like now? These are just some of the dialectics we’ll be grappling with.”

“Also, the one-bite pizza reviews will be presented by Salman Rushdie until further notice,” he added.

At press time, Confluences was reportedly hosting an online livestream in which 12 Barstool employees sat in recliners and reacted to the latest soundscape from multimedia artist Camille Norment.

The post Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal appeared first on The Onion.

YARMOUTH, ME—As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board’s biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. “It’s not even noon, and he’s already being a huge prick to someone who just said they kind of liked the Demon Slayer Hashira arc,” said Parker, who sighed audibly as he saw his nemesis up to his typical bullshit of poisoning the well in otherwise perfectly civil discussions of anime, manga, video games, and Japanese culture. “It was silly to think he’d finally shut the fuck up after someone politely pointed out that literally no one but him thinks the Berserk OVAs are superior to the 1997 original. After all, this is the person who essentially haunts the fan art section so he can tear some poor teenager’s drawings to shreds. Genuinely, what a nightmare.” Sources later reported that Parker had rapidly typed out a perfect 700-word response to his insufferable rival on the definition of filler episodes, a post he began with the phrase “You are mistaken.” 

The post Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.

You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000…or take your chances on the mystery house!

Reference #68379

The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — In an effort to expand the global market for American football, the National Football League announced on Tuesday that next year's Super Bowl halftime show would be performed entirely in Sindarin Elvish.

RICHMOND, VA — In a blatant and callous display of colonialism, local wife Jennifer Carlin refused to return the land she stole from her husband John's side of the bed last night.

CORTINA D'AMPEZZO — After suffering a nasty fall on the slopes during the women's downhill competition, American skier Lindsey Vonn announced that she had joined the U.S. Paralympics team.

EDINA, MN — An alarming new study of Minnesota schools revealed that the average Somali high school senior is only committing fraud at a 5th-grade level.

MILANO — The United States Ski Team showed exceptional teamwork this week, as they secured victory in the Synchronized Screaming About Trump event, just barely beating out Iran to win the gold.

Unfortunately, your little relaxing break from work to do a quick exercise video just took a seriously bizarre turn, because the guy in this one-minute stretching video keeps saying it’s okay if dark, unsettling thoughts come up.

Like, what the fuck does he think is going to happen to you mentally during this brief physical warm-up?

Despite the fact that he’s just spending 56 seconds showing viewers how to do a basic stretch, the guy in the video, “Matthew_Fitness,” is using up a lot of time reminding you that this pose might “unearth unexpected emotions.” Literally as soon as he gets down on a yoga mat and assumes what’s basically just the figure four stretch, he faces the camera to say, “If uncomfy feelings start to surface, don’t fight them. Sit with the darkness. It’s okay.”

Sure… but why would that happen during a video titled “Glute Stretch – Do Twice A Day?”

After instructing viewers to “sink deeper into the pose,” Matthew_Fitness then closes his eyes and while shaking his head, saying, “You are not who you were. That person is no longer you,” which again, sure, but literally what does that have to do with briefly trying to loosen up your glutes because you spend all day sitting at a desk? Unfortunately, that question remains unanswered as the video ends with a single tear rolling down Matthew_Fitness’s cheek as he says “It has been a pleasure moving with you. Namaste.” 

Alrighty then. While we can probably guess that he’s referring to how the body stores some kind of trauma that can be released through stretching, it seems crazy that a video like this would unleash that, and if you think that’s what’s going to happen during this one short stretch, then you are likely deeply mentally unwell yourself. Cheers!

Well, well, well, it looks like public infrastructure is getting pretty spicy in the Pacific Northwest: Seattle is giving the figure on their city’s crosswalk signals a BBL.

Oh yes…yes, please! Move over grunge, coffee, and rainy weather: Seattle’s now the U.S. capital of surgically enhanced butts overlooking crosswalks!

After Seattle’s City Council voted to give the figure on their crosswalk signals a Brazilian butt lift last month, the city has officially begun rolling out their new and posteriorly-improved crosswalk character. Now, Seattle pedestrians will know it’s safe to cross a street when they see an outrageously curvy but otherwise featureless stick figure on the crosswalk signal, rather than a flat-assed twink. Seattle Mayor Katie B. Wilson explained that the decision to bootify the city’s crosswalk symbols was based on a desire to “spice things up” and “make the simple act of crossing a street a little erotic,” nothing more.

“We could sit here and pretend like giving our crosswalk figures a rounder, fuller ass was for some sort of public safety reason or progressive gesture, but the truth is, we just thought they would look good with a donk, so we gave them a donk-and-then-some, and yup, theory confirmed, they look good as hell,” wrote Mayor Wilson in an Instagram post announcing the fatter asses now gracing their crosswalk signs. “In Seattle, crossing the street is an erotic adventure, where observing pedestrian walking laws is rewarded with a front row view of an incredible, BBL-ified ass. I’ve already noticed people walking a little slower, to really take in that crosswalk cake. The results speak for themselves.”

We need much, much more of this in ALL American cities!

Well, if you ever see someone walking around with their pants tented up (from an erection), it’s safe to assume they just crossed a street in Seattle. What an amazing, cost effective way to make life a little more exciting for a city’s residents! Here’s to Seattle, America’s newly-crowned spiciest town!

Well, after right-wingers and left-wingers alike have been waiting with bated breath for what seemed like an eternity, the latest Epstein files dump is finally here. And while, as expected, the files have been significantly redacted and appear to be missing key pieces of information, there is something pretty neat going on: This latest Epstein files dump has been redacted in a way where the remaining words tell an epic story about an icy kingdom ruled by a giant skeleton king named “Archmarian of The Frostland.”

Wow! Even though this gives the appearance that Trump’s Justice Department is definitely trying to hide something, it’s still pretty creative! 

The latest dump contains over three million pages of emails, reports, and documents pertaining to investigations into the late financier and convicted sex offender, all of which have been redacted so that they tell an epic dark fantasy tale in the spirit of George R.R. Martin or J.R.R. Tolkien. There’s no doubt that it was a real challenge for Trump’s DOJ to redact the massive trove of documents in a way that not only concealed any wrongdoing by Trump and his associates, but also whisked readers away into a frostbitten kingdom of The Frostland, a world of brutal warfare and powerful magic ruled by an ancient evil. 

Check out some of their incredible handiwork here! 

Wow! We can’t wait to wade through the remaining 3.5 million pages and find out what happens to Archmarian and his reign of icy terror!

Yep, folks, this is how you redact documents to protect powerful people who have committed unthinkable crimes. While releasing the unredacted Epstein files may have helped bring many powerful people to justice, at least this version shows that creativity and imagination still exist in a world that is getting darker by the day. This is pretty damned neat!

Well, here’s some downright incredible luck: This woman who always seems to have a bunch of stuff wrong with her also happens to be a treasure trove of natural remedies. 

Dang. What are the odds?!

Twenty-seven-year-old food co-op cashier Alyssa Hendricks completely hit the jackpot with her rare combination of traits: She suffers from nearly every malady under the sun, but is also an absolute walking encyclopedia of natural remedies. Whenever a friend makes any mention of not feeling so hot, Alyssa will chime in with, “Colloidal silver completely cleared up my last ear infection,” or, “Dry needling was a complete game changer when I had frozen shoulder syndrome.” Yep, it seems like there isn’t a single thing that Alyssa can come down with (which she does quite often) that she doesn’t have some sort of natural cure at the ready for. 

“Alyssa stayed with me when her apartment was being sprayed for bed bugs last summer,” said her coworker Sarah Martin. “She was only at my place for five days, but it was remarkable how many things went wrong with her that she was able to treat with her knowledge of alternative medicine. Candida, Lyme disease, nighttime anxiety …every time something popped up, she just so happened to know the best homeopathic or naturopathic way of treating it. How one person can both get sick with so many things and treat them successfully with alternative medicine is beyond me. It was incredible!”

Wow. Someone take this woman to Vegas, because she seems lucky as hell!

While Alyssa is still working on the right combination of herbal remedies to cure her long Covid, EMF sensitivity, and TMJ, her wealth of natural healing knowledge has cleared up dozens of ailments in the past month alone. Keep rubbing that rabbit’s foot, Alyssa, because you possess a truly remarkable amount of luck!

Whether you’re a META stockholder or just a casual Facebook user, get ready to get pumped, because Facebook is making a major change that’s going to make everyone’s lives so much easier: Facebook has announced that instead of flagging all the misinformation, they’re just going to start flagging the actual information. 

So much yes! Talk about improving efficiency. 

Despite significantly reducing their threshold for what can be considered misinformation after Trump’s reelection in 2024, Facebook still has its hands full with attempting to control the misinformation and blatant propaganda that frequently circulates on its site. From foreign bot farms to AI deepfakes, a tipping point has been reached where the vast majority of posts circulating Facebook are dubious, misleading, and downright harmful. But a simple tweak to their misinformation policy is about to make the lives of Facebook’s fact checkers and users alike so much easier, as Facebook will now operate on the presumption that every post you see is bullshit unless it’s specifically denoted as not being such. 

“From now on, if you see something on Facebook, you can just go ahead and assume it’s not information unless we’ve specifically flagged it as such,” explained Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “This policy change is a win for both Facebook users and our poor, overworked fact checkers. If the video or post you’re seeing in your feed is a real thing that actually happened, it will display a green checkmark denoting that it contains actual information. Posts which contain lies about vaccines that some person just made up, AI videos of brave soldiers cleaning barnacles off of whales, and other nonsense can just be assumed to be dumb crap. If users see a post they feel may contain actual information, they are free to flag the post and our staff of highly trained fact checkers will review the post within 24 days and flag it if it is determined to be information.”

Wow. Seems like this is something they should have done a long time ago. 

But there’s more! Another cool feature that Facebook is implementing is the ability to filter the actual information out of your feed, which will be the default setting on all accounts and can be turned off by navigating to Settings>Information>Show Information In My Feed>Yes. This move makes a lot of sense, Facebook!

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead.

The letter read:

Hey warriors, losers, and ladies,

The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!!

By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans.

Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.”

“It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.”

The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!”

“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”

MANHATTAN, N.Y. — While recently drinking with a college friend who is now a private wealth manager, witnesses at a Financial District club say Marine Col. Josh Peterson made the night uncomfortable by repeatedly insisting he “would have totally gone private equity” but “would have punched a managing director in the face.”

The serving infantry regiment commander and veteran of Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria swayed as he leaned in to explain this career crossroads to 37-year-old Matt Friedlander, a Harvard MBA who has never once considered another person’s welfare.

“Bro, you guys are the best of the best,” Peterson said. “I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”

WASHINGTON — Officials with Immigration and Customs Enforcement are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are failing the ASVAB, sources confirmed today.

“ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office.

The Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement.

“The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.”

According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for ICE service — has fallen to historic lows.

“The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are disqualified from military service is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.”

ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘genius-level military jobs, relative to ICE.’

“Kids are taking jobs like Army infantryman or Marine wall-licker, which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar.

In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, outside-the-box recruiting solutions.

“We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.”

These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what Alex Pretti was doing when they shot him ten times. 

The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘racism waiver,’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice.

“That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing Stephen Miller, a level-150 racist serving in the White House.

Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic.

“We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door.

Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent

He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

‘Near Veterans’ Seek Recognition For Almost Serving In Military

Veterans often find it difficult to relate their experiences to friends and family, but a new organization is working to expand that brotherhood.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps

Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business

Duffel BlogDark Laughter

Marine Commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now

Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.

Duffel BlogRed Friday

WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks were, in fact, entirely made up.

“Gotcha,” Caudle said.

Flanked by grinning senior Navy leaders, Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — was actually a prank as old as the nation itself. An accompanying press release from the Office of the Naval Historian stated that the elaborate hoax dates back to Revolutionary-era tensions between Esek Hopkins, the Navy’s first commander, and Gen. George Washington, owing to the latter’s preeminence and nominal control over the Continental Navy.

In a letter to his wife, Hopkins reportedly wrote:

“Gen’l Washington is a pricke. He bears himself with such sanctimony one’d think the Almighty’d granted him command by thunderbolt. In truth, the man’s a pompous, overweening popinjay, and I’ll be damn’d if I heed the counsel of so preenin’ a fop — leastwise not one who sees the Navy as naught but his waterborne mule-train.”

According to historians, Hopkins devised the “improv’d ranke” system during a binge on plundered Bahamian rum with his crew. In notes from his logbook, he described with great pride the petty ruse played on “that right bastard with wood’n teeth and a disposition to match,” tricking the famously straight-laced Washington into inadvertently using the foul language of a common sailor.

Of the Navy’s most basic enlisted rank, Hopkins wrote:

“I’ll name ‘em Seamen, spelled right but soundin’ wrong — and next time the goode Virginian’s troops need their arses saved, he’ll be beggin’ me fer all semen he can get, with nary a clue he’d saved his boys, but made an arse of hisself. The joke’ll outlive us all.”

Hopkins further decreed that enlisted sailors would simply invent their own ranks as they saw fit, but present them “solemn as Sunday,” ensuring soldiers would assume any confusion stemmed from their own ignorance rather than Navy fuckery. As the prank evolved through the 19th century, limited standardization was introduced to better conceal the deceit, generally restricting ranks to a few capital letters followed by numbers that looked official enough from a distance.

“My Labradoodle’s name is Mr. Gumballs and I was born in 2002,” explained MRG02 Bethany Evanchuk, a public affairs E-3 taking photos at the press conference. “It just felt right.”

Her supervisor, BBC69 Carissa Nowak, said such choices were common.

“We usually just pick something we like,” she said, declining to explain hers.

Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.

Since the shooting of Alex Pretti, I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “come and take them” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way.

Even the ancient Spartans would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary 300, which was about fighting to keep immigrants out of your country. Not a rifle in sight.

Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me open-carrying an AR-15 in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the cops to shoot me, and frankly I’d have understood.

It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the Bill of Rights sometime. Sure, freedom of speech sounds good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their freedom of speech to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. That sounds like woke.

People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. The Second Amendment literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them for saying the word ‘fascist.’

ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. And on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know how many ICE officers have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument.

TRUMP is complaining about a Canadian bridge damaging trade but if it was called the Trump Bridge he would love it. And he’d welcome these too: 

The Trump Landfill

Abandoning recycling, Trump turns most of New England into a landfill site to troll liberal voters. ‘Hope you enjoy the garbage trucks!’ he posts while rendering US beauty sites eternally toxic.

The Historic Collapse of the Arc De Trump

Erected with incredible haste and using sub-standard materials, for this is the Trump Way, the 250ft-high Arc De Trump collapses at the opening ceremony killing 133 but leaving its originator unharmed. ‘A disaster they’ll talk about for generations!’ he beams. 

The Trumpdemic

With vaccination rates plummeting and disease declared woke, epidemics begin sweeping the US. Bad, until they’re labelled Trumpdemics and become a right-wing must-have. 

The Trump Trash Fire

The landfill, now covering more than 200 square miles, catches fire for which Canadians are blamed. ‘Responsible Americans burn their trash!’ says Trump, alongside an AI video showing happy white people cooking burgers on it.

Donald J Trump’s Big Brilliant Electoral Pause Programme

Disappointing results for Republicans in the midterm elections are declared null and void by an executive order, signed with a flourish in blood, declaring them illegal. ‘All elections are hereby Paused until the electorate is deemed to be Trustworthy and Trump-worthy’ says the president.

Trumpian Triage

A press name for the White House policy of letting one in every three Americans die due to disease and soaring food prices, enthusiastically taken up by the president. ‘No more weak, only strong!’ he exults.

The Trump Secession

‘Useless states which NOBODY would live in, such as California, New York, Oregon and others even less popular are leaving the never greater US and forming their own failed country. Good Riddance to them! Wyoming and South Dakota remain on the Trump train!’

The Second Civil War, brought to you by Trump

‘They said a war tearing the country in twain was impossible until TRUMP came along! Now brother has taken up arms against brother, all inspired by one great man! Make Slavery Legal Again!’ 

The Donald J Trump Overthrow of the United States of America Force

Name the Chinese-Canadian-US Free States army this and Trump will welcome them into the country. Especially when they promise he’ll be held in a solid gold jail. ‘The First Ever such jail, many are saying!’

The Trump Trials

Remember how much he loved his mugshot? Imagine live, televised trials of every member of his administration where they talk about nothing but him all day. Imagine his posts about how they ‘trounced LOSER OJ Simpson in the ratings! Sad!’

A STUPID, unpleasant man is completely unburdened by anxiety, imposter syndrome or any other mental health issue.

Dickhead Wayne Hayes has exemplary mental health because he does not care about others’ opinions of him and is indifferent to the consequences of his terrible actions.

Hayes said: “When I hear about things like burnout or depression, I can’t help but laugh at the losers who experience them. Couldn’t be me.

“Thanks to my high opinion of myself, living with my brain is one long party. Replay moments of shame and failure into the small hours? Nah, I replay all my great moments, hilarious insults and imagine conversations with celebrities where they like me.

“Did you know you can choose not to feel upset or guilty? When you get those twinges, disregard them entirely and they go away. Leaving room for loads better feelings like arrogance and calling Arsenal fans wankers.

He added: “I thought I was sad once, but I just needed to eat a burger. Maybe crybabies should try that.”

Counsellor Helen Archer said: “It goes against all of my beliefs to say this, but everyone would feel better if they were more like Wayne. Unpopular, but happy.”

CINEMAGOERS will soon discover that Wuthering Heights could be half as long with a nice happy ending if any character had basic common sense. Also true of these: 

Snow White

Considering the Queen’s main goal in life is to kill Snow White, she does a shit job of it. The magic poisoned apple only puts her into a coma, so why not kill her permanently with a normal apple laced with cyanide? Or just brutally stab her to death? The Queen doesn’t care she’s in a Disney film.

Wuthering Heights 

Heathcliff leaves Yorkshire – good call – when he overhears Catherine telling the housekeeper it would ‘degrade’ her to marry him, missing the rather important ‘I am Heathcliff’ bit afterwards. Considering Cathy shows every sign of loving him, he really needs to check this with her. Even if only to tell her she’s a two-faced cow.

The Lord of the Rings

It’s been said, but: giant eagles. That Gandalf is mates with. Fly the ring into Mordor? Or help Frodo and Sam with an escort of characters resistant to the Ring: Gandalf, Galadriel, other hobbits, etcetera. None are strictly needed at the diversionary attack on the Black Gate. Your arsehole boss in your office job would have organised this better.

Inception

Leo and his colleagues have dream-sharing technology, so ditch the dangerous industrial espionage and develop a consumer version. It might take a few years, but if Fortnite makes billions then how much more fun would it be to play in someone’s dream? A few teenagers might forget to eat and perish, but that’s good for the gene pool.

Pride and Prejudice

Another dense misunderstanding. Elizabeth believes Wickham’s bullshit about Darcy being a bastard to him in the past. They’re serious allegations you’d want to verify, but no. And has it not occurred to Lizzie that he may just be trying to f**k her?

Death of a Salesman

Willy Loman could avoid killing himself by getting a sense of perspective. He could take a lower-paid job closer to home or stop obsessing about his son Biff being a failure. He is, after all, only 34. Samuel L Jackson, Debbie Harry, and McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc didn’t find success until after then. Chill the f**k out, Willy.

The Aeneid 

How hard is it to check a big wooden horse for Greeks? Was it not suspiciously heavy when pushed? Did it not carry the distinctive scent of a few hundred soldiers crammed into a shed? Was there no tell-tale trail of leaking urine? The ancients were half-wits, frankly, and the democracy they invented should be treated accordingly.

I LOVE you, I respect you and you are standing in the doorway with your arms crossed while I close browser windows. You are so much hotter than girls in porn and here’s why:

You’re real

What men love is authenticity. Not fake bouncing bosoms on a horny slut, which I stumbled across in error. I can’t get into the fake girls in porn, which is why I was clicking through to the end. What I love are stretch marks, a bit of cellulite, that bathrobe you do the washing-up in and not having get my head around whether we’re step-siblings or not.

You have personality

A bi-curious cheerleader doesn’t tell me her thoughts. All I know about her is she gets stuck head first in a washing machine. There’s no intimacy. You, on the other hand, have opinions: about my friends being wankers, about how I load the dishwasher wrong despite there being no universally agreed doctrine on plate orientation. That’s what turns me on.

You challenge me

Porn never challenges me. It never asks questions. It never says ‘Did you just open a beer at 7pm on a Monday?’ or ‘What have you bought from eBay with £100 from the joint account?’ You challenge me intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, usually while I’m trying to watch football. That’s way sexier than any busty ebony chick.

I know your body

Men famously hate variety and find a body sexier the more they know it. Plump-lipped lithe beauties have nothing on a pair of boobies I’ve seen every night for five years. Trust me, between you and them, there’s absolutely no comparison because sometimes I get to touch yours.

You’re my age

I’m only watching 26-year-olds because they’re playing MILFs so feel closer to your age. You understand my cultural references, you like the same music, and we make the same little yelp when standing up too fast. That shared lower-back vulnerability creates a bond no algorithm can replicate.

You climax naturally

A screaming orgasm would in reality be annoying, messy and might disturb the neighbours. I love how you’re so quiet I don’t know if you’re coming or not, and I care. You’re hot because you’re you. Natural. Standing in the doorway. Waiting for me to finish explaining. Holding that sleeping bag and pointing to the settee.

THE chance that the prime minister will end up in bed with the last-but-one prime minister after a night of drunken commiseration grows by the hour. 

While Keir Starmer has fended off the threat of being forced out for the next 24 hours by the diversionary tactic of saying ‘no’, most commentators agree he is still destined to be the UK’s second shortest-serving leader.

So when that day comes, rejected by his party and the public, who could he find solace with except the UK’s shortest-serving leader? Who, being unemployed, will readily meet for cocktails as early as 6pm?

As the two throw back dirty martinis while bemoaning traitorous bastards, they will certainly find common ground. In being outcasts they will find attraction. Hopelessly wrecked in the wreckage of their careers, they will start snogging.

Then? They will act with the decisiveness out of office they should have had in Downing Street and order a cab. In the palatial home of a donor they kept keys for, Starmer and Truss will fall breathlessly into bed.

She will strip away fiscal restraints and stimulate unprecedented growth. He will show her what being shafted by the deep state really means. Their passion will be as epochal as their premierships were not.

Finally, in the cool hours of dawn, they will cease their rutting and lying in each others arms birth a new political project. A new party challenging the two-state hegemony built on grudges and denial of failure.

And this is why Starmer must remain prime minister. Because this unholy mutant hybrid of both party’s worst failures must never be born.

It’s healthy to have a hobby. We could all benefit from doing a little activity purely for fun outside of work or our personal life. Not all hobbies were created equal though. In fact some can quickly spiral out of control and completely take you over if you’re not careful. WilliamInBlack wanted to hear more […]

The post What hobby screams ‘this is my entire personality now’? – 17 pastimes that have a habit of becoming all-consuming appeared first on The Poke.

Unless you’re a billionaire, chances are you’re feeling the cost of living. It seems like the price of everything has crept up dramatically in the last couple of years. This means people’s spending habits have changed accordingly. Things that used to be treats you’d never think twice about buying have become carefully budgeted expenses. This […]

The post ‘What is something you used to buy but is no longer affordable?’ – 17 big ticket items that used to be common purchases appeared first on The Poke.

For an art form that is so revered, and makes so much money, movies are absolutely chock full of lazy and terrible clichés. Removing a pair of spectacles never made anyone magically go from nerdy to beautiful, for example. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskReddit page after user Potential_Action9544 posed this question: ‘What […]

The post ‘What is a movie cliché that absolutely never happens in real life?’ – 23 scenes film directors love which are completely far fetched appeared first on The Poke.

The people’s champion (source: Nigel Farage) Nigel Farage has revealed his latest plans to help ease the day-to-day burden on working men and women. That’s right – he’s going to force people who currently work from home to get back into the office, whether they like it or not. Thanks, Nige! I’ve said it before […]

The post Nigel Farage wants to stop people working from home and of all the A++ comebacks Jeremy Clarkson knocked the rest out the park appeared first on The Poke.

Laura Ingraham has spent her career preaching Maga values from inside her bubble, behind a desk on Fox News, for the better part of a decade. When she ventures out into the real world, things aren’t as pleasant, even if it happens to be whatever version of the real world a Turning Point USA rally […]

The post Laura Ingraham asked a bunch of rabid right wingers about the Epstein Files but did not get the response she expected and it was just fabulous appeared first on The Poke.