The Onion
Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. “While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, it’s best to avoid stirring the pot with other internet personalities,” said Koenig, who cautioned the Unwell Network founder that every venomous quote given to the press about a former friend’s ex could potentially hinder her baby’s growth. “Exposure to drama—even in small, passive-aggressive doses—can cause complications. Once you come in for your 14-week appointment, we can assess whether the child’s vital organs are strong enough for them to handle you dipping your toe back into public controversy. But go slow. If the baby is kicking more than usual when you’re recording a direct-to-camera dig at a former employee, take a step back.” At press time, sources confirmed Cooper was complaining about having to abstain while watching her husband partake in all the feuds he wanted.
The Onion.
Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat
The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns
Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping.
PRO
Fucks with stupid ants
Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds
Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income
Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits to eat
CON
Too few opportunities to wield large motorized blades as it is
Butterflies acting like they own the place now
Hose’s gotta spray something
One less stain type for detergent brands to leverage
The Onion.
Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg
LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. “Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful,” said the single spermatozoon and ovum simultaneously from inside a petri dish, telling reporters that techniques such as light therapy, blood transfusions, and a strict diet of plant-based foods had allowed him to shed dozens of pounds as well as all his organs and external features. “Even a few months ago I was a tired, unattractive zygote burned out from mitotic division, but thanks to ever more experimental techniques I have been able to achieve the ideal physical form that humankind has searched for since time immemorial. I feel like I could swim a marathon right now!” Johnson added that he planned to extend his life cycle even further by injecting the sperm and egg into a prepubescent boy and girl for maximum effectiveness.
The Onion.
RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack
WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. “Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He’s fading!” said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary up to an IV of pre-workout supplements, creatine, and raw milk to regulate his vital levels. “Is anyone around here a trainer by chance? We need a CrossFit instructor, stat! Okay, prop him up against the pec deck—he can offset the cardiac arrest by doing some weighted chest flies. Oh God, he’s flatlining! Cut his shirt off, somebody get him a spotter. If we don’t hurry, he could slip into a coma and lose all his muscle mass.” At press time, sources close to the situation assured the nation Kennedy was taking it easy after his health episode by just doing some jiujitsu in the sauna.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
Fans of Taco Bell, don’t get your hopes up, because their new menu item seems like a failure right out the gate: Taco Bell has released a tostada only women can taste, only dogs can see, only kids can smell, and only men can buy.
Well, that sounds rather limiting.
Taco Bell’s new “Avocado Tostada” may seem like a standard item anyone can buy, smell, see, and taste, but sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. By limiting the product so that only men can buy it, only kids can smell it, only dogs can see it, and only women can taste it, this tostada seems designed for heterosexual couples with one kid and a dog, and pretty much no one else.
Seems pretty confusing, right?
Taco Bell’s commercial promoting the product doesn’t really help the situation either. In it, a man orders the tostada. His dog starts barking, alerting him and his son to the tostada’s location on the counter. His son sniffs around, and with the dog’s helpful barks, he picks it up and carries it to his mom. With a little more help from the dog, the woman proceeds to eat the tostada. The son then remarks that he wishes he could taste it, the man remarks he wishes he could smell it, and the woman remarks that she wishes she could buy it.
Yikes. It’s not every day you see a company biff a new campaign this hard, especially considering that women who’ve eaten the tostada report that its bland flavor does not justify the effort required to order it.
Damn. It’s definitely pretty bizarre that Taco Bell signed off on this, but if you’re a guy who knows a dog, child, and woman who can work together to eat it, it looks like you’ve still got time to check it out.
A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.
Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
Awesome: Liam Hemsworth Is Teaching A New Workshop That Gives People The Skills They Need To Become A Hemsworth Brother
If you’ve been looking to learn a new skill, or you’re just on the hunt for a fun challenge, then you’re definitely going to want to keep reading, because one of the world’s most iconic actors is currently offering an opportunity to learn some of the secrets to his success: Liam Hemsworth is teaching a new workshop that gives people the skills they need to become a Hemsworth brother!
This is incredibly exciting! If you’ve ever dreamed about becoming a Hemsworth brother, this sounds like it’s the perfect class for you!
The three-week remote workshop, titled ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within: A Crash Course’ is currently open to the general public, and for just $800, students can learn from one of the world’s leading Hemsworth brothers about all the ins and outs of pursuing a career as a Hemsworth brother. In his description of the workshop, Liam outlines some of the key skills students can expect to learn in order to become a world-class Hemsworth brother, including being from Australia, hugging Chris Hemsworth on Christmas, looking like Luke Hemsworth, and having memories of growing up with all the Hemsworth brothers in the 1990s.
This is so exciting! While there might be countless YouTube tutorials and self-help books about how to become a Hemsworth brother, there’s really no substitution for learning the basics from a real-life member of the Hemsworth clan with years of experience as a professional Hemsworth brother.
The workshop lists itself as being “open to people of all ages and levels of experience with being a Hemsworth brother,” and Liam notes that the Hemsworth brother skills taught in the workshop have wide-ranging applications far beyond success in Hollywood. “Being a Hemsworth brother makes you an incredibly wealthy and sought-after movie star, but there are plenty of other benefits as well,” says Liam. “People who have taken my workshop in the past have gone on to achieve amazing things outside of the acting world, including having an Australian accent, being the son of Leonie and Craig Hemsworth, and having a driver’s license that says ‘Hemsworth’ on it.”
While three weeks might seem like a short time to become a Hemsworth brother, ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within’ has a proven track record for success. Notable alumni who became Hemsworth brothers by taking Liam’s workshop include Luke Hemsworth, David Hemsworth, Sydney Hemsworth, and Locust Hemsworth. It really seems like when you’re learning from the best, there’s no limit to how far you can go!
This is so exciting! If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Hemsworth brother, but haven’t really known where to start, you should definitely check out Liam’s class. It’s so awesome that Liam is taking the time to teach aspiring Hemsworth brothers the basics, and give them the tools they need to achieve their dream of being part of the Hemsworth family and doing things like hanging out with the Hemsworths’ dad and starring in Marvel movies! Kudos to Liam for his generosity and taking the time to help inspire the next generation of Hemsworth brothers!
Tough Spot: JD Vance Just Had To Spend A Whole Press Conference Defending Trump’s Post About How He Wants To Use JD Vance As A Golf Club
JD Vance has often found himself on cleanup duty after President Trump’s seemingly unhinged online statements, and this most recent instance might be his most difficult job yet: The Vice President just had to spend a whole press conference defending Trump’s post about how he wants to use JD Vance as a golf club.
Late last night, President Trump took to Truth Social to write a surprising screed about his VP. Read the post below:
Almost as soon as the post went up, the Internet was up in arms, with many X and Truth Social users stating that the President likely couldn’t hold Vance’s body up long enough to use him as a golf club, and others criticizing his focus on using the VP as a golf club while the war in Iran continues to drag on.
JD Vance himself likely felt apprehensive about the content of Trump’s post, but he nevertheless defended the President in a White House press briefing this morning. “Look: President Trump has worked with me, he’s seen me in action, he feels confident I would make a good golf club, and he thinks that would be what’s best for the country right now,” said Vance. “This administration isn’t afraid to get rid of the usual norms around who or what should be a golf club, or a baseball bat, or any kind of sports equipment. Because it’s very obvious that the way the Democratic establishment has been approaching golf clubs has done absolutely nothing for the American people.”
When a reporter from Reuters asked Vance whether Trump using him as a golf club was expected to have a positive effect on the American economy, the Vice President responded by saying, “Yes.”
Wow. JD Vance really has his work cut out for him today. We hope the media keeps pressing him on the issue, because if Trump is really going to use the Vice President as a golf club, the American people need to know more.
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
Duffel Blog
Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction
PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Daily Mash
Boyfriend subject to hour-long monologue about need for more communication
A MAN has nodded through a 60-minute monologue from his girlfriend on how they need to sit down and have a proper talk about their relationship.
Grace Wood-Morris chose the bank holiday for a discussion, in which she was the key contributor, of how Jack Browne never tells her anything or shares his feelings that lasted for the whole of a Family Guy double bill with adverts.
Browne said: “She muted the TV, took my hand and embarked upon an explanation of why we needed a grown-up conversation about opening up to each other that was without significant pause.
“She said we needed to review how unmindful I am to her needs, and open a broader conduit for emotional discourse, then something about needing to have a more impactful role in nurturing her feelings.
“It was longer than the relationship conversations in Love Island without even the benefit of her being in a bikini. The television continued behind her but I knew better than to even glance at it while I was busy saying ‘Mm’ and ‘Yeah’.
“45 minutes in, when she was outlining the creation of a mutual atmosphere of honest communication, and maybe a trust bubble, I could no longer pretend to understand any of it. I was mainly watching her face move and giving her teeth names.”
Wood-Morris said: “He was attentive and understood the importance of a shared commitment to open channels to prevent our relationship stagnating. But that wasn’t the talk. That was the talk about having the talk.”
Text too small, and other legitimate reasons to give up on a book and go on your phone
THE sun is shining, out-of-office is on, it’s a perfect time to read a good book but you don’t want to. Use one of these excuses to squint at your phone instead:
‘The text’s too small’
After several attempts to use a two-finger gesture to zoom in, you irritably decide that with all its densely-packed words in daunting paragraphs, lack of tabs and unwillingness even to impose a comforting pop-up, this book is refusing to meet you halfway. What are you meant to do, get your glasses? They’re all the way inside. F**k that.
‘Too many pages’
The comforting endless scroll of social media means you have no idea how much you’re reading, even when you’re an hour deep into a Reddit thread about Heated Rivalry ships. Books, on the other hand, can’t even be held without revealing an intimidating number of pages and exhausting you before you even start, so you don’t.
‘There’s no comment section’
When you come across a villain online there immediately follows a long comment section where hundreds agree on what a monumental arsehole they are. Bad guys in books require you to make your own judgement and then stick with it all the way to their eventual comeuppance. Justice is delayed too long when you’re ready to condemn now.
‘It’s too slow’
Page after page of description of some bloody Victorian workhouse. Can’t they just jump-cut between one paragraph and the next? Include explanatory captions? Couldn’t this be condensed down to a 15-second Instagram reel? What was Charles Dickens thinking, not pivoting to short-form video?
‘There’s no tits in it’
Social media these days has, like all other media, discovered the lowest common denominator and it’s boobs. Novels? You’ll struggle to find one which has an actual picture, even in medical textbooks. Compare that to any app. Even LinkedIn has tits these days.
VR headsets, and other technologies you got bored of after 20 minutes
ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?
VR headsets
We’ve only been hearing how revolutionary these are for 30 years or so. A decade ago you gave in and decided you wanted to venture into virtual realms and experience bold new realities. Okay, porn, you wanted VR porn. What you got instead was a boring rock-climbing simulation and a phenomenally severe migraine.
3D television
You watched Avatar in the cinema and were seduced by the possibilities. Okay, porn, you wanted 3D porn. But blue extraterrestrials plugging their ponytails into plants were the only 3D content available and it turns out Avatar isn’t as rewatchable as Titanic or Terminator 2. Also you kept losing the glasses.
Nutribullet
A purchase you believed would make you a smoothie-guzzling Adonis which, with hindsight, you should have asked Amazon to deliver direct to the back of your kitchen cupboard. Nothing but a messy ballache which produced unpleasant tasting drinks with disturbing, slimy textures. Also you’re not all that keen on fruit.
Segway
Slow, difficult to ride, dangerous and deeply uncool: the Segway was a compilation of all the ways in which a vehicle can be bad. It didn’t revolutionise getting from A to B. It’s now exclusively associated with obese Americans travelling between urban tourist sites that can be walked around if you haven’t breakfasted on links in syrup.
Peloton
You were never going to get fit when the gym was a 15-minute drive away. Exercise classes in the spare room? Perfect. Then came an astonishingly fast transition from cycling while watching a class, to cycling while watching Netflix, to lying on the sofa while watching Netflix. The subscription’s lapsed. The Peloton remains, silently judging you.
Robot vacuum cleaner
It seemed such a wonderful solution; you go to bed, set the little fellow running and wake up to a lovely clean room. Until you get one and discover waking up means growling ‘Where’s the f**king hoover?’ before retrieving it from whatever corner or sofa it’s stuck under. You’ve gone back to your Henry and you swear he looks smug.
Dad adds pizza oven to outdoor cooking wank bank
A MAN who already has a top of the range barbecue is giving a new outdoor cooking appliance the eye while lasciviously licking his lips.
48-year-old Julian Cook, who regularly stays up late watching Instagram content chefs pimping out Gozneys, is secretly yearning for a wood-fired dome oven that can deliver a perfect pizza in 90 seconds.
He said: “I was in the market for something new. What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. And this sexy little bitch gave me the eye.
“Foldable legs right up to her arse, double-decker, able to take a 12 inch pie without flinching. Imagine that gleaming under the sun, splayed out on the decking? Phwoar.
“Twiddling knobs on a gas barbecue doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need a piece of strange. Just wait until the lads see what a ride she is. 500 degrees of pure jealousy. They’ll all want a slice but she’ll be at home with me.
“The char on those crusts is enough to get me salivating, but it’s nothing without the foreplay. Watching that thermometer peak before sliding the wet dough in. She’s calling me for only a cool two grand. I’ve got the big spanking paddle ready.”
Wife Emma said: “We all have to sublimate the unfulfilled sexual urges in our marriages somehow. I lurk on Norwegian property forums.”
We ask you: What are you going to regret doing in your garden this weekend?
THE year’s first heatwave is here, and with it the chance to perform indoor activities in full view of your neighbours. What will you be ashamed of doing tomorrow?
Susan Traherne, percussionist: “Not sex. I wouldn’t have sex in my garden in full view of everybody. Just oral.”
Wayne Hayes, delivery driver: “Front garden: strimming in nothing but a thong. Back garden: not realising my balls hang within strimmer range once I’ve discarded my thong.”
Joe Turner, IT consultant: “Playing our regular weekly Dungeons & Dragons session. These people were not made to be seen by the sun, or God.”
Jo Kramer, GP: “It’s not so much regret doing as regret not doing for me, and I very much regret not going out to pick up a single one of my Great Dane’s shits since October.”
Tom Logan, web engineer: “Ignoring my wife and kids to spend 14 hours a day on my f**king phone, as usual.”
The Poke
Film director Christopher Nolan said he’s never used emails or a smart phone and got buried in an A-bomb of Reply Alls
Mega famous and talented movie director Christopher Nolan went on 60 Minutes to discuss his craft and promote his upcoming adaptation of The Odyssey. But perhaps the most note-worthy item to come out of the interview was the fact that Nolan claims he’s never sent an email or owned a smart phone. He even casually […]
The Poke.
This Maga Senator asked why Cuba is corrupt accidentally described the Trump Administration instead and it was simply glorious
Magas never stop pushing their stupidity. It’s bad enough when the American people have to suffer the consequences, but they won’t stop harassing the rest of the world and it’s getting annoying. On the heels of disastrous and completely ineffective invasions of Venezuela and Iran, Donald Trump and his sheep now appear to want to […]
The Poke.
AOC confronted the EPA on data center construction and she only needed one prop to stump them into silence
Data centers are our future. Just believe the tech bros. When have they ever steered us wrong before? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez begs to differ with the common knowledge flowing out of Silicon Valley. At a hearing with the Environmental Protection Agency, AOC took on the controversial issue of data center construction. The New York State rep […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the things they’d love to bring back from the 80s – and it’s not all hair metal and shoulder pads. 24 nostalgia bombs
Everything that was popular when we were younger, healthier, less cynical is the gold standard. Or so it seems. Music stars from our teens – the best ever. TV shows – they’ve never been matched since! Even the food and the weather was better. Alright, maybe not – but when @herberthistory asked Bluesky Gen-Xers what […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump couldn’t get his story straight on the Strait of Hormuz and got fact checked into oblivion
When you’ve told as many lies as Donald Trump, it can be underestandly hard to stay on message. The American president proved that point during his most recent presser at the Oval Office. The President was asked about the Strait of Hormuz when he had this to say: TRUMP: “We have total control of the […]
The Poke.
