The Onion
What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility.
Q: Why Louisiana?
A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space.
Q: How will the facility benefit the state?
A: By creating jobs for the thousands of unemployed scientists and engineers living in the Pecan Island marsh.
Q: Why is Elon Musk so obsessed with space?
A: All of his kids live on Earth.
Q: What is the best way to land a job there?
A: Keep replying “lol” to Elon Musk’s posts on X, and he’ll eventually find a role for you.
Q: Is it “crayfish” or “crawdad”?
A: Doesn’t matter. They will soon be extinct.
The Onion.
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While the term ‘data centers’ currently has many negative associations, the word ‘computer parties’ is just plain fun,” said Freeling, who in a presentation to a group of executives including Sam Altman, Mark Zuckerberg, and Jensen Huang stated that no American concerned about rising utility bills or pollution could resist a “computer party,” “server hoedown,” or “CPU fiesta.” “Yes, these warehouses are unsightly, energy intensive, and loud, but inside there are millions of computers having an absolute blast. And people don’t want to be the reason computers can’t have fun. No one likes a buzzkill.” At press time, sources confirmed that several San Francisco residents were seen dancing outside a newly constructed data center and cheering, “Go computers! Go computers!”
The Onion.
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster,” said Lambert, who frowned as she read a passage describing the creature as a “repulsive bloodsucker” and speculated that one such undead being had either bullied or jilted the novelist in his youth. “Plus, some of these descriptions are way too specific: a ‘cruel mouth,’ ‘pointy ears,’ ‘moves down the castle wall like a lizard’? That has got to be inspired by a vampire he knew in real life. Or maybe he’s had a bunch of bad experiences with vampires and this is just a composite character?” Lambert went on to state that the book’s sex scenes indicated that, at the very least, the author had known a vampire who was fantastic in bed.
The Onion.
Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren’t Cheez-Its
CARLSBAD, CA—Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren’t Cheez-Its. “Come on, come on, now that we’ve got all this health food out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff,” Drummond reportedly thought to himself, his stare laser focused on the grocery bags as his partner of 12 years proceeded to unpack dozens of non-Cheez-It items, including a carton of almond milk, a bag of raw dates, and four bars of ethically sourced dark chocolate. “Don’t panic. There’s still one bag left. Okay, what’s this box, hiding at the bottom? Goddamn it. All-natural trail mix?” At press time, an exasperated Drummond could be heard exclaiming, “They cost how much?” after he had eaten an entire $12 package of his wife’s favorite Parmesan crisps in one sitting.
The Onion.
Activists Decry Meat Industry’s Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers’ fun, easygoing brothers,” said activist Heather Bolton, adding that calves displayed signs of clear distress when deprived of contact with older male relatives who knew how to hang loose and just go with the flow. “Cows are highly social animals and suffer greatly when separated from chill uncles who can show them how to do tricks with their cud or get a little buzz going off of fermented apples. To deny these calves the mellowness of avuncular love is brutal and unnatural, not to mention the obvious sorrow observed in uncles who anxiously pace around their enclosures when they can’t teach the calves how to get a little thrill by rubbing their ass against an electric fence.” At press time, the activists further condemned the meat industry for not doing enough to separate calves from their uptight, weirdly Christian cousins.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time
One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time.
This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like!
The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans!
Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time!
“When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.”
Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera.
Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh.
It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right.
Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!
Major LOL: This Person Who Sent You An Email Actually Thinks You’re Going To Read It
Looking to laugh until you’re buckled over and wheezing?
Well, look no further:
This person who sent you an email actually thinks you’re going to read it.
Major cry-laugh emoji. This is about as hilarious as it gets.
The incredibly presumptuous email, which was sent by a coworker at 8 a.m. sharp on a Tuesday, appears to be about some shit going on at work based on the subject line, “Welcoming new account–To do by Friday.”
Record scratch. This person actually expects you to read an email that:
-Is about your job.
-Contains no tracking number for the new jeans you ordered from Japan.
-Contains nothing of a sexual nature.
-And isn’t a response to an email that you sent them?
LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Based on the detailed instructions summarized in the AI overview you accidentally glanced at (which is quite generous being that you’ve barely had coffee and you generally try to only do actual work between the hours of 11-2, which you consider “the workday within the workday”), the person who sent this not only fully expects that you will read this entire thing, top to bottom, but also that you will process the words that you are reading into your brain and then proceed to act upon the words with thoughts and actions.
Um…is this an SNL skit? Because we can’t stop chuckling.
And here’s the real “milk coming out of your nose” moment:
This person expected this email to be read by not just you, but also four other people in your department who they sent it to at the same time. Like, sorry, but only writing only one email but expecting five people to read it? Won’t that, like, create a negative energy balance in the universe or something?
Dear God…
Sorry, pal, but just because you type words into an email it doesn’t somehow magically mean that email is going to get read. That’s just not how emails work. But this was definitely good for a huge laugh.
Duffel Blog
Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”
Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits
WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”
Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass
Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today.Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer.Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing.“We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.”By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week.Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements.“Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before.When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.”“Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.”Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band.“He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.”The command’s administrative section was equally productive.Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch.When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.”Nobody did.At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item.Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home.Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration.At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day.He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep.Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed.“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.”At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters
THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “Send Me” military service campaign, the Pentagon unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it.“Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.”Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos.“First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.”Parnell pointed to Vice President JD Vance, whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example.“That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.”Members of Congress also qualify automatically.“The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.”Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead.The Trump family has also received blanket exemptions.“Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in defense technology,” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.”Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new energy-drink venture provides an essential warfighting capability.“Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically logistics.”Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East.“I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.”Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding.“No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.”According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place.“We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.”He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be destroyed 58 separate times.“And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “Unless you die during a ceasefire, after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.”At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.”🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Daily Mash
Tupac releasing new album about his killer’s conviction
Working-class private school created for children of Labour MPs
LABOUR MPs have founded a private school themed around the working classes so their children can grow up knowing hardship, but safely.
St Tommy of the Fury’s will be the first fee-paying school with downwardly mobile aspirations, where children are taught to stay up until 3am watching YouTube and to eat chicken from a bucket.
Headmaster Wayne Hayes, who did not pass any GCSEs but turned out alright, said: “Gifted children cannot be sent to state schools. They would not survive.
“Instead, we will create a working-class environment where they are referred to as ‘mate’ or ‘geezer’ and encouraged to express themselves by drawing cocks on RE textbooks but, crucially, shading them beautifully.
“Ideal for parents worried about social inequality in an abstract, not-directly-applicable-to-us sense, St Tommy’s allows you to cling to your ideals while not having to claim your child suffers some bullshit syndrome involving prime numbers for a grade boost.
“The curriculum includes Boxing Appreciation, Love Island Studies and Minor Benefit Fraud. We guarantee all children will leave with authentically regional accents.”
Francesca Johnson, member for Lewisham East, said: “Perfect. And now she’ll have a working-class background I’ll be so much prouder when she gets in to Oxford.”
Burnham photographed by mum before first day at work
ANDY Burnham has been photographed in his smart uniform by his proud mother before his first day as prime minister.
Taken just before he got the bus to his big new job, the customary start-of-term photo shows Andy Burnham, aged 56, standing awkwardly in a suit he will grow into if he does not get mauled by MPs in the electoral intake above.
Mrs Burnham said: “Bless him, he’s been so excited about this all through summer and now the big day’s here he’s really nervous.
“It’s a big leap from being mayor of Greater Manchester. Back then he’d just play around with crayons all day, safe in the knowledge that none of the work mattered. Now he’s got one of those graphing calcuators which he doesn’t really know how to use.
“He’s anxious he won’t make any friends either. I’ve told him not to try and please everyone, just be himself, and don’t listen to that nasty Kemi. She’s a big bully now but she’ll be working in McDonald’s once she leaves Parliament.
“I can’t wait to see what state he’s in when he gets home. I hope his tie will be all askew from playing football over lunch. Photos of that will do absolute numbers on Facebook.”
Upon learning that the embarrassing photo had been shared online, Burnham stormed up to his bedroom and listened to Linkin Park at maximum volume.
Transfer deadline day also a bank holiday, men tell bosses
MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football.
Anyone who has a season ticket, a Sky Sports subscription or a Fantasy League team is allowed to attend their workplace while spending the entire day monitoring liveblogs, scouring social media and spreading rumours about Yamal signing for Coventry.
Jordan Gardner said: “I’ve sent my boss to HR to check my contract. Pretty sure it’s in there as standard.
“As an Evertonian, how am I expected to concentrate on quarterly accounts when the Grealish loan’s hanging in the air? When Nidaye’s been nicked by City, leaving a hole in our right wing? When the Balogun deal isn’t yet done?
“If I even tried to do any work today I’d be too distracted and do it wrong. You don’t want to be presenting the reports and find I’ve put ‘Iroegbunam to Hull? F**k’s sake’ as our ROI for Q3.
“Why didn’t I book the day off? What, you think my home broadband could handle me simultaneously surfing on four devices while watching a livestream? Dream on.”
Line manager Carolyn Ryan said: “So it’s a day where businesses dump underperforming employees in favour of better, cheaper ones? I’m listening.”
Words for knickers, ranked from unsexy to knob-shrivelling
THERE is no arousing word for a lady’s underthings and most kill the mood stone dead. We rank them from bad to worst:
Lingerie
Are you Baudelaire? Or any other 19th century French poet? No? When you didn’t even pass GCSE French, refrain from calling your girlfriend’s £3 polyester Primark thong her ‘lingerie’. She’s a client services advisor, not a courtesan.
Pants or panties
As an Americanism ‘panties’ can sound vaguely exotic, yet ‘pants’ brings back memories of Frank Skinner dancing in Y-fronts and no one can get aroused after that. ‘Pants’ also being British slang for something crap also doesn’t augur well for your sexual performance.
Undies
Sounds like something your mum might say when inquiring as to the contents of your laundry basket. Too cosy for sexy talk, unless you’re into that and frankly you shouldn’t be.
Drawers
Feels like something a lady would wear for churning butter or that a man would store a collection of screwdrivers in. No man has ever successfully seduced a woman by inviting her to ‘get her drawers off’. Maybe once, in Burnley.
Knickers
Doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. ‘Get those knickers off,’ sounds like you’re rehearsing a 70s sex comedy. It’s a technical term, and one covering a multitude. Like your wife’s large cotton briefs.
Bloomers
The sort of item one would sport while operating a printing press or riding a bicycle side-saddle. Went out of fashion in 1912. No matter how big a lady’s M&S pants are, they’re not really bloomers.
Unmentionables
Downright Victorian and founded in the a belief that a lady should not possess genitalia. Indeed, in this philosophy there’s nothing connecting her upper and lower halves. It is all simply unmentionable, like the prospect of her having the right to vote.
The Poke
People have been sharing technology that was basically obsolete as soon as it came out – 17 tools and devices that got their timing wrong
Comedy is all about timing, and so it seems is technology. After all, there’s no point pushing the boundaries if something else has already got there first. You’d think that clever tech developers would avoid this problem, but some developments simply can’t be predicted. To hear about the devices that got their dates wrong, Ambitious_Plastic_55 […]
The Poke.
This guy’s driverless car suffered the worst of all possible outcomes and it’s both very funny and the perfect metaphor for where technology is taking us
This video comes from the future — and, more specifically, Pakistan — where driverless cars will be so common, anyone can sit shotgun next to an empty seat. There’s only one problem… 🔴 Pakistan’da bir adam, kendi geliştirdiği sürücüsüz otomobili test ederken polis arabasına çarptı. pic.twitter.com/QSFgD4L1kM — 3. Dünya Savaşı (@ww3mediaa) August 31, 2026 Which […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the ‘unskilled’ jobs that would totally humble most people after a single shift
It’s a sad fact of the job market that lots of roles are overworked and underpaid. Often this is put down to the idea that they require little to no skill. In reality though, most jobs are extremely draining, both mentally and physically. To find out which ones are underestimated, Kodo_username put the following question […]
The Poke.
‘What harmless thing instantly makes you think, ‘I don’t trust this person’?’ – 21 subtle ways to tell someone won’t be a keeper
Thanks to online dating and social media, we’re all very well versed in what constitutes a red flag in another person nowadays. However, sometimes those warning signs aren’t spelled out in semaphore and are instead so subtle they’re more of a gentle flutter in the breeze. They’ve been discussing these blink-and-you-miss-them signs on the AskReddit […]
The Poke.
‘Which physical objects have quietly disappeared in the last 20 years?’ – 17 parts of daily life that are gone but not forgotten
Sometimes it feels like things never change. Then you look back and realise that barely anything is the same as it used to be. It can be hard to pinpoint what’s different though, when all the days blur into one. To help you remember what’s vanished, Stukwan put the following question to r/AskReddit: ‘What’s a […]
The Poke.
