Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus

WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine that bright young students—at an Ivy League institution, of all places—could be capable of such grotesque behavior,” said Missouri resident Kara Lanchester, reiterating the thoughts of 340 million Americans who, according to sources, froze in disbelief upon hearing that the world of academia contained a dark undercurrent of abuse. “While this was likely an isolated, one-off incident, I just hope it’s a wake-up call for other schools. Colleges everywhere had better become vigilant or, God forbid, sexual assault might happen on their campuses, too. Let’s nip this in the bud now before it happens a second or even third time.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation was put at ease upon realizing the perpetrators would no doubt serve life sentences in prison for their crimes. The Onion.

Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat

The Onion.

Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors

Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do you think? “l, too, recently declared bankruptcy then got really into Funko Pops.” Amirah Hirani, Roller Rink Owner “I hope they’ll be providing a post I can tie my child to while I shop.” Leo Skaggs, Celebrity Podiatrist “Most kids can’t appreciate the complex narrative possibilities of the See ’N Say.” Colton Ott, Strobe Light Operator The Onion.

Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents

President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to “super intelligence” on all official documents, claiming that the term “artificial” made the technology sound fake. What do you think? “Even the Constitution?” Anton Pastranak, Systems Analyst “Why didn’t AI think of that?” Will Stratton, Manifest Reader “There goes my one last objection to it.” Cordelia Huestes, Retired Shipwright The Onion.

Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank

WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of us will just be confused, but know this: We will be crashing our cars into the side of a financial institution downtown,” said Leonard Kircher, 93, who reaffirmed the demographic’s intention to swerve into traffic, hop a curb, and smash straight into the bank’s outer wall, causing massive structural damage to the building and distress to its occupants. “We may have cataracts and hearing problems. We may think we’re at McDonald’s or our childhood home. Our driver’s licenses may be from 2003. But nothing will deter us from our mission to cause a huge accident at the bank from which we will somehow walk away completely unscathed despite never wearing a seatbelt. This we promise you.” At press time, the group reaffirmed their commitment to creating a future with many more elderly vehicular disasters. The Onion.

King Solomon Asks 1,000 Wives And Concubines If There Is Anything To Charges That He Is A Patriarchal Misogynist

JERUSALEM — King Solomon held court with his 700 wives and 300 concubines to ask whether or not there is anything to the charges he is a patriarchal misogynist.

Delta To Remove All Electrical Systems From Planes After Learning Elon's Teslas Run On Electricity

ATLANTA, GA — Delta executives announced this week that they would be removing all electrical systems from their airplanes after learning Elon Musk's Tesla cars also run on electricity.

UK Terror Suspects Back In Custody After Sharing Meme

GLOUCESTERSHIRE — A group of Muslim men released by authorities earlier this week were back in custody today after police received reports that the men had shared a meme online.

Near Disaster As FlyDubai Pilot Fails To Illuminate 'No Hijacking' Sign

TEL AVIV — Disaster nearly struck FlyDubai Flight FZ1073 this morning after the pilot forgot to illuminate the "No Hijacking" sign.

Kristi Noem Files For Divorce, Expected To Get Half Of Husband's Bras

CASTLEWOOD, SD — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem filed for divorce this week, with legal experts expecting her to receive half of her husband's bras in the settlement.

I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)

OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.  You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.  So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.  A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!  Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.  My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.  It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.  I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.  Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

At least give Brexit another 30 years, says Britain

‘F**k it, the old bastards all vote Reform anyway’

THE prime minister has decided to put the boot in to pensioners on the grounds they all vote far-right anyway so what the f**k.  Burnham carefully considered the costs of social care, the importance of the triple-lock, and the number of 82-year-olds who spend all day complaining to their budgies about ‘them Asians down the chemist’ before deciding he had little to lose. He explained: “These policies aren’t for the elderly. It’s for the generation below eyeing up their four-bedroom house in Poynton. “We’ve had 16 years of pandering to old people who don’t like that it isn’t 1958 anymore, and do they appreciate it? Do they f**k. They gave us the Tories, they gave us Brexit and now they’re bloody furious about the consequences of the Tories and Brexit. “I could have doubled their pensions and they’d still vote for Nigel because he ‘seems such a lovely man’ and ‘is so smart he could be a presenter on Bargain Hunt’. Going forward, we’ll be pursuing policies on the sole basis that they’ll piss the old off. “We’ll be producing a new pound coin so fiddly they can’t find it, putting them in segregated queues at Post Offices and introducing a new tax on condensed milk. And if that pushes them all the way to Restore, so much the better.” Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “He is scruffy isn’t he, that new one. And I think the young ones would like fascism if only they gave it a try.”

How to get your working class origins into every conversation

MEETING someone new and middle-class? They may assume, seeing you in your Reiss suit, that you’re just like them when actually you’re better. Drop in these class markers:  Mention your dad was a roofer It doesn’t matter what you’re discussing: Brexit, sushi, penguins or the novels of Elizabeth Strout, it’s relevant. It’s even better if you say ‘is’, suggesting he cannot afford to give up work even into his 60s. They don’t know he’s got his own firm and sits on his arse all day. Explain your mum doesn’t get what you do Unlikely, considering your job isn’t that hard to comprehend. It’s more a reflection of the fact she can’t understand why they pay you for that when you’re always pissing about at home. But it hints at the drama caused by your rise from a terraced house to the heights of digital services advisor. Call school ‘the comprehensive’ Force it in even if it wasn’t in the school’s name. Act as though your perfectly pleasant state school was rife with guns, gangs and knife attacks. To be fair there was once a fight in the playground. Wait, no, a dog. There was a dog in the playground. Emphasise your lack of learning You wish you could understand the world like the well-educated – things like quinoa, financial instruments, the plays of Sarah Kane – but you can’t, because of your schooling. Admittedly that was because you skipped lessons to smoke, but surely that’s society’s fault? To this day, it’s hurtful how little you know about Molière’s comedies. Exaggerate your accent Even if your area doesn’t have a particularly charming rural accent, you can put on a general Cockney lilt, like a child in a 1950s film. Your attempt to deploy it at the garage for a lower rate on a new exhaust is unsuccessful. He must have gone to public school. Punch them hard in the face None of it working? Resort to violence, then explain that was how people communicated in the harsh cobbled streets where you grew up. A clip round the ear was affection, a punch was an expression of camaraderie and being knocked to the floor and stamped on was a warm embrace from a beloved grandparent. That should get it through to them.

And by the time you retire pensions will have no locks, under-40s told

THE prime minister has reassured young people that by the time they retire their state pensions will have no locks, should they even exist at all. Following up on yesterday’s speech, Andy Burnham has told young people that their pensions will be liberated from the clunky metaphorical locks which have weighed down previous generations by giving them a viable income. He said: “Yesterday was just the beginning. If you survive a lifetime of meaningless toil then I can promise that your pension will only stretch to a one-off purchase of a Doritos grab bag and a can of Monster Pipeline Punch. “Locks sound scary and gatekeeping, and you young people are triggered by that sort of thing. You’ll lap it up if we give them a progressive-sounding name like ‘ethically unencumbered finances’ and promise there’s been no investment in arms manufacturing. “Besides, triple locks and cushy pensions are boomer shit. Why follow in their problematic, Brexit-voting footsteps when you can work until death? That’ll silence all cries of ‘lazy snowflakes’! “You won’t have any financial security, but at least you’ll get to share a council house with your mates. It’ll be like an episode of Friends.” 32-year-old Tom Booker said: “My pension plan is an early death. And I’m putting everything into it.”

This Man City verdict offers us our best chance yet of splitting Oasis

NOEL is resigned to the ruling. Liam is fully in denial that anything bad can happen. If we leverage this Manchester City decision right, we can break up Oasis.  Close observation of City fans reveals they fall into two camps. There are those rational, thinking beings who accept the verdict, who have entered a period of difficult reflection about how the club they love went so awry. And there are those who reject the entire thing, who refuse to consider it even slightly, who bombastically shout down rival fans and continue to support the best club in England. It takes not a moment’s thought to know which Noel is and which Liam is. And this is a matter on which they will be unable to find common ground. All will take is constant probing. Questions to Noel about how City’s reputation can recover. Goads to Liam about handing their Premier League wins over to United. It’s already an open wound, but with work we can make it fester. Then, when they’re playing at the Etihad next summer, the rift can be made unignorable. A few planted signs reading ‘City are innocent’ and ‘RKid thinks they’re guilty, Liam’ and the brothers will confront each other on stage. They’ll fight. They’ll smash instruments. Liam will once again call his older brother a ‘potato’. It’s the performance we’ve always wanted live in front of tens of thousands, not those shit-boring songs we’ve heard a million f**king times. Finally they will split, cancel the gigs hurting City’s revenues even further, and millions of overweight middle-aged men in bucket hats will be heartbroken. What an incredible result.

Donald Trump had big tech’s biggest names sign an AI ‘Constitution’ but the document had one glaring mistake – 17 super intelligent shutdowns

For anyone worried about the creepily encroaching artificial intelligence takeover, have no fear, Donald Trump is here to save the day. While he’s not busy renaming AI to SI (that’s “super intelligence” for all of you luddites out there) and launching ruthlessly honest chatbots, the President of the United States is penning contracts to keep […] The Poke.

Russell Crowe’s no-nonsense way of dealing with autograph hunters was already good but the final payoff was absolute Maximus

Hard to believe we know but no-one’s ever asked for our autograph but you can imagine it might get a little tiresome of you were someone of the stature of, say, Russell Crowe. And we mention the great man because of this particular clip of the star dealing with autograph hunters that has just gone […] The Poke.

Someone asked about things that are ‘basically on life support and we don’t realise it yet’ – 21 everyday features we’re about to lose

The world around us changes at such a breakneck pace that things that we thought would be with us long term are suddenly redundant. Just ask anyone with multiple shelves of unwatched DVDs still cluttering up their living room. So can we predict what’s next for the chop? They’ve been discussing this on the AskReddit […] The Poke.

Donald Trump tried to brag about how he doesn’t take a salary and the internet buried him in a pile of receipts

Of all the things that didn’t happen, Donald Trump not making any money as President of the United States didn’t happen the most. And yet he keeps insisting that everyone sing his praises for not taking a salary during his current term. Here he is bragging to a room full of hostages (probably?) that he […] The Poke.

This young lad’s show-and-tell rock-out is still one of the most joyous things on the internet

Back in 2021, when we seem to remember there being an awful lot of misery in the world for some reason, one thing that brought a brief light into the gloom was this absolutely brilliant viral video of a small boy’s moment in the classroom spotlight. @britaincovey Teacher didn’t know how to react 😂 ♬ […] The Poke.