The Onion
Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run
The Onion.
U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits
A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually. What do you think?
“It doesn’t matter what they do, the papier-mâché revolution is imminent.”
Trent Stensby, Systems Analyst
“Plastic is a vital resource for a thriving landfill.”
Scarlet McCollum, Bookmark Manufacturer
“If plastic is so bad then why is it in my blood?”
Joseph Fogliani, Bin Filler
The Onion.
Trump Posts Disturbing Video Of Himself Twirling With Knives
WASHINGTON—Prompting widespread concern among fans and followers, President Donald Trump uploaded a disturbing video of himself Friday rapidly twirling while holding knives. According to sources, the clip showed the commander-in-chief spinning around in the East Room in the Executive Residence, waving the blades close to his face as he danced and posed with them. The post was reportedly uploaded to official POTUS social media accounts with the caption “I started playing in the kitchen with knives today,” triggering a wellness check from D.C. law enforcement called to the White House. At press time, GOP leaders defended the president’s actions, claiming he was only trying to imitate Shakira.
The Onion.
SNAP Enrollment Drops By Over 13%
Stricter work requirements enacted in the Big Beautiful Bill have caused enrollment in the SNAP food assistance program to plummet over 13% over the past year as provisions kick in. What do you think?
“If they want food so bad, they can start a crypto pump-and-dump scam like the rest of us.”
Suzanne Elfer, Box Stacker
“Nobody in a county as rich as America should ever get help.”
Tim Sauls, Syrup Bottler
“Nothing one big party sub couldn’t fix.”
Jon Tambasco, Coin Polisher
The Onion.
Top Songs August 2026
.has-no-column-gap { gap: 0 !important; align-items: unset !important }
.is-column-large { flex: 3 }
.is-column-small { flex: 1 }
.is-height-auto { height: auto; }
.is-full-height-image img { height: 100%; object-fit: cover; width: 100%; }
.single-post-content p.theonion-dingbat:after {display: none !important }
1
Inoffensive Bridal Party Entrance Theme Music
Bruno Mars
2
We Are One (Official Song Of The 2026 World Cornhole Championships)
Shakira
3
Worry About Your Own Weight, Fat-Ass
Ariana Grande
4
Go To Visitdubai.com To Learn More
Maroon 5
5
HR Disciplinary Action Plan
Sombr
6
Share This On Slack
Foo Fighters
7
They’re Doing Experiments On Us
Katseye
8
Help Me Get These F**king Rollerblades Off
Benson Boone
9
Careful On The Dance Floor (Someone Dropped A Glass Over There)
Dua Lipa
10
Scared Of The Joker
Justin Bieber
11
We Wear The Helmets Because We’re Both Cross-Eyed
Daft Punk
12
Buffalo Soldier
Luke Combs
13
Now That I’m Older, I’m Starting To Regret Not Settling Down
Lou Bega
14
I Cum Blood
Cannibal Corpse, The London Symphony Orchestra
15
Your Grandpa Saw My Nipples
Madonna
16
I Got Microphone Privileges
Diddy
17
What If I Told You I’ve Been Rachel Dolezal-ing This Whole Time
Bad Bunny
18
Creepy House Full Of Bugs
Deftones
19
I’m Like A Bird (I Have A Cloaca)
Nelly Furtado
20
Could I Trouble You For 3 Minutes Of Your Time?
Bebe Rexha
The Onion.
ClickHole
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time
One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time.
This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like!
The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans!
Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time!
“When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.”
Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera.
Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh.
It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right.
Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!
Major LOL: This Person Who Sent You An Email Actually Thinks You’re Going To Read It
Looking to laugh until you’re buckled over and wheezing?
Well, look no further:
This person who sent you an email actually thinks you’re going to read it.
Major cry-laugh emoji. This is about as hilarious as it gets.
The incredibly presumptuous email, which was sent by a coworker at 8 a.m. sharp on a Tuesday, appears to be about some shit going on at work based on the subject line, “Welcoming new account–To do by Friday.”
Record scratch. This person actually expects you to read an email that:
-Is about your job.
-Contains no tracking number for the new jeans you ordered from Japan.
-Contains nothing of a sexual nature.
-And isn’t a response to an email that you sent them?
LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Based on the detailed instructions summarized in the AI overview you accidentally glanced at (which is quite generous being that you’ve barely had coffee and you generally try to only do actual work between the hours of 11-2, which you consider “the workday within the workday”), the person who sent this not only fully expects that you will read this entire thing, top to bottom, but also that you will process the words that you are reading into your brain and then proceed to act upon the words with thoughts and actions.
Um…is this an SNL skit? Because we can’t stop chuckling.
And here’s the real “milk coming out of your nose” moment:
This person expected this email to be read by not just you, but also four other people in your department who they sent it to at the same time. Like, sorry, but only writing only one email but expecting five people to read it? Won’t that, like, create a negative energy balance in the universe or something?
Dear God…
Sorry, pal, but just because you type words into an email it doesn’t somehow magically mean that email is going to get read. That’s just not how emails work. But this was definitely good for a huge laugh.
Neurodiversity Win! This Online Autism Assessment Will Just Tell You You’re Autistic If It Seems Like That’s What You Want To Hear
A major breakthrough in autism research just hit the internet that’s guaranteed to completely transform the field forever: This online autism assessment will just tell you you’re autistic if it seems like that’s what you want to hear!
Amazing! This is definitely a giant win for neurodiversity!
The groundbreaking new test appeared on a website called AbsoluteMindAutismTest.org earlier this week. The test is specially designed to take into account whether you are hoping to be told you have autism and will adjust your results accordingly to make sure the assessment tells you exactly that. The new test has already racked up tens of thousands of results, providing aspiring autistic people with the feedback they need to affirm their hopes that they are somewhere on the spectrum.
“Whether you struggle to make eye contact, make too much eye contact, or make an average amount of eye contact, we’re ready to tell you that you are autistic,” said Dr. Ethan Flores, one of the leading researchers who helped develop the amazing new diagnostic exam. “Our test is here to tell you that even if you have no difficulties reading social cues, communicating with others, or expressing emotions, you can still be told you have autism. Basically, the first question we ask is, ‘Do you, for whatever reason, want to be autistic?’ and if you say yes to that, we’re going to find a way to tell you that you are.”
This is so exciting! Regardless of what your actual neurological status actually is, there’s never been a better time to secure an autism diagnosis.
As if the Absolute Mind Autism Test wasn’t already incredible enough, the website will also send you an official certificate declaring that you are autistic if you indicate that such a certificate would make you feel good. Even if your answers correspond almost perfectly with the average neurotypical responses, you’ll now have a very official-looking document that declares that you exhibit habits, behaviors, and neurological tendencies that fall far outside the norm.
It’s official, this is the coolest thing to hit the internet all year. While some medical professionals and members of the autism community have expressed concern about the test, the team at AbsoluteMindAutismTest.org dismiss these concerns as elitist and exclusionary. “Being diagnosed as autistic is something everyone should have the opportunity to experience, regardless of what narrow-minded gatekeepers say,” Dr. Flores explains. “Just because a person exhibits no signs of autism whatsoever does not mean they shouldn’t be allowed to be told that they’re on the spectrum. That’s just basic common sense.”
Hell. Yes. If more online tests were as amazing as this one, the world would be a better place. We can’t wait to take the exam ourselves and get told whatever we want about our neurodiversity!
Duffel Blog
Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits
WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”
Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass
Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today.Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer.Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing.“We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.”By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week.Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements.“Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before.When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.”“Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.”Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band.“He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.”The command’s administrative section was equally productive.Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch.When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.”Nobody did.At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item.Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home.Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration.At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day.He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep.Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed.“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.”At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters
THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “Send Me” military service campaign, the Pentagon unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it.“Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.”Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos.“First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.”Parnell pointed to Vice President JD Vance, whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example.“That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.”Members of Congress also qualify automatically.“The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.”Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead.The Trump family has also received blanket exemptions.“Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in defense technology,” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.”Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new energy-drink venture provides an essential warfighting capability.“Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically logistics.”Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East.“I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.”Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding.“No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.”According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place.“We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.”He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be destroyed 58 separate times.“And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “Unless you die during a ceasefire, after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.”At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.”🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Trump strikes deal to buy precision missiles from North Korea
PYONGYANG — North Korea has agreed to provide thousands of precision-guided missiles to the U.S. military amid dwindling missile inventories from the Iran War, President Donald Trump announced today.“Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un of North Korea, I am happy with the fact that he has agreed to send us ADVANCED WEAPONRY,” Trump said in a Truth Social post.“Unlike South Korea, which I recently offered the tremendous HONOR of becoming our 52nd state after Canada and they said ‘no thanks,’” Trump wrote. “VERY HOSTILE!”As part of the deal, Pyongyang would also provide intelligence support and drone aircraft. In exchange, American technology companies would be required to hire many more North Korean hackers than they already employ. Additionally, Trump announced a 35% tariff on South Korean weapons designed to defend against North Korea.U.S. acquisition officials said North Korea was selected after promising delivery within 60 days, beating Lockheed Martin’s proposal by approximately 11 years. Raytheon has already signaled that it would protest the contract, arguing it could produce equivalent missiles at 400 times the price if given seven years and $22.9 billion.The deal was approved after Pyongyang submitted the only bid that did not contain the phrase “initial low-rate production capability in FY34.”“They make missiles. Lots of missiles. Very fast. No environmental review, no union delays, no DEI,” Trump said. “Frankly, we could learn something from them. Their workers never complain, and almost none of them quit."
Daily Mash
Woman spends more than intended after visiting sex shop horny
A WOMAN who popped into her local sex shop while already feeling a little frisky has left it more than £200 down.
Charlie Phelps, aged 33, had only called in at Me Time, the village’s emporium of erotic goods, for lube but admitted she had watched a film with Paul Mescal in the previous evening and that it was still on her mind.
She said: “Thinking about it, I was already in the mood to rub one out. As a result I made a number of very poor purchasing decisions.
“Hot-headed and lustful, I grabbed what made me tingle in that particular moment, not what I actually needed for a satisfactory masturbation routine over the coming weeks.
“I was being guided by my red-blooded thirst for satisfaction, completely unable to make a calm assessment of the power, size, and wipe-clean properties of the merchandise.
“Three dildos? A rainbow of butt-plugs? Where on earth did I think I was going to put them all?
“I’d only called in for lube. I spent about 15 times what I’d intended. Still it is an independent shop and I believe they’re very ethical.”
A single doormat, and other features which justify your £3,650pa service charge
WONDERING why you’re paying hundreds a month for a dingy hallway, stolen parcels and a sticker with a QR code for an online scam in the lift? Check out these features:
Locks on the doors
If you jiggle the key at the right angle, it’s a seamless experience! And the reason the door is so heavy and cumbersome that edging through with a bag of groceries, while possible for you, will deter hoodies or foxes or whoever. A bargain for total peace of mind.
Hallways
They might be so narrow you’ll graze an earlobe with each microscopic misstep, but at least 40 per cent of the lightbulbs work and the carpet isn’t infested by anything! Currently. Painted in an exclusive shade of urine-stained white you won’t find anywhere else.
Doormat
The management company didn’t have to provide this, but their empathetic directors hated to think of the extra wear-and-tear on the carpets. Its long-worn-away pattern adds an air of homeliness to the aggressively minimalist foyer. There is also a picture of a ship which covers a damp stain.
Unexpected lighting
On some horrible rainy homecomings, the outside light won’t come on at all, whereas at other times it’ll be on all night – a beacon of reassurance. And the flickering of the foyer bulbs offers the fun of an anaemic rave. It’s a Las Vegas lightshow nightly, all for one reasonable monthly payment.
Responding to emails in three-to-five business months
Reaching a person to talk to has the rustic charm of the era where letters from relatives would arrive by steamer from the New World. It’s a refreshing detox from modern life. And you can be sure these people work hard to serve you; it’s not easy spending eleven consecutive months not repairing a lift.
Has burned down yet
Does your block have the flammable cladding everyone is so worried about? Of course they’re not going to tell you! But best to pay extra just in case someone, somewhere may consider doing doing something about it, budget permitting.
Bob Dylan and other legends coining it on the basis this might be their last tour
TICKETS to see Bob Dylan have been dynamically priced in correlation with his life expectancy. These musicians also use the spectre of their imminent loss to jack up the price:
Bob Dylan
Nobody knows what Bob Dylan is singing, including Bob Dylan. This has always been the way, and his rabid fans are more than happy to pay to hear him belt out his greatest hits in a voice like a wheelie bin dragged across gravel. So long as he sticks to the hits and not those god-awful Christmas songs.
The Rolling Stones
Despite their rock and roll lifestyle, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood have somehow reached the age where their biggest upcoming event should be an NHS hearing test. Yet they continue to fill stadiums because there is apparently no amount of money that makes the band think ‘actually, we’ve got enough now.’
Neil Young
Neil Young has spent his career making heartfelt music full of authenticity and integrity, all while continuing to charge you £90 for a seat behind a pillar. Still, you should appreciate his commitment to playing live. If he didn’t you’d have to spend your evening listening to him on Spotify unless he’s taken his music off there again.
Bruce Springsteen
The Boss is still doing three-hour shows at an age when most people consider staying awake until the ten o’clock news an achievement. Anxious fans insist every tour could be his last, which is why they’re prepared to remortgage the house to watch him perform Born To Run from a seated position.
Paul McCartney
The best Beatle you can still see live and the closest anyone under 70 will ever get to seeing the Fab Four. You may be paying hundreds of pounds to watch an 84-year-old sing songs written before your parents were born, but you don’t mind because hearing him perform Hey Jude feels historically important. Plus you can sing along. And he seems nice.
Eric Clapton
Still touring, despite having been around long enough to remember when musicians had to be talented before becoming controversial. Fans attend partly to see if he’ll launch into an acoustic version of Layla or another bigoted tirade. Real ones know he saves the latter for the second encore, once all the squares have gone home.
Rod Stewart
Behold, the horror of a man born in 1945 sashaying with blondes who most certainly do not think he’s sexy. He’s cancelled a few dates for routine surgery but won’t let something as trivial as being 81 stop him behaving like a man who has just discovered women. Maybe these gold-digging hussies are just after his train sets?
Ultra-violent video game set to unite world in beautiful harmony
A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.
Following a gameplay reveal for Grand Theft Auto VI on Thursday, gamers are confident that when the full game is released in November all unnecessary conflict in our embattled world will cease in favour of wholesale murder in a video game.
Gamer Jack Browne, aged 18, says: “I was just a boy when I watched my father rain leaden death onto shoppers in San Andreas, but I remember it as a purer, happier time.
“Back then, before Brexit, before Trump, there was no division. No matter what your race or gender identity, you could carjack a taxi, drive through a pedestrianised area then mow down survivors with an Uzi. And it brought people together.
“We all need the same hope shown by the game’s star-crossed felons blazing their own trail in a thankless world. Taking part in motiveless killing sprees in a digital Miami will make us realise there’s more uniting us than dividing us.
“I’ll never feel closer to my dad, knowing we’re both annoyed to play as a female lead character but shooting our way through it. I can’t wait to show his proud face what I learned.”
A spokesman for manufacturers Rockstar said: “It will bring peace and harmony to all nations, and that was always our intention.”
We ask you: which shite 00s film should get an unnecessary legacy sequel?
HOW To Lose A Man In 10 Days is to get a sequel the public neither asked for nor deserves. What forgettable movies must now have the same?
Mary Fisher, sand artist: “Purely out of charity Hitch. Will Smith needs work.”
James Bates, longshoreman: “Tell you what, I actually thought that Iron Man film with Robert Downey Jr had a lot of potential. Shame they never went on to do more with the character.”
Francesca Johnson, chandler: “That one Downfall, about Hitler. I always wondered what happened to him next.”
Julian Cook, museum curator: “The Wind That Shakes the Barley, Ae Fond Kiss or any other Ken Loach film. Why he doesn’t extend them into franchises with their own theme parks is a mystery to me.”
Wayne Hayes, drive-thru operative: “Oh, I thought it was 10 Things I Hate About You that was getting a sequel. Oh. I’m not f**king watching it then.”
The Poke
This die-hard supporter saying Donald Trump freed America from Great Britain’s rule shone a light into one ear of the MAGA skull, and it came straight out the other
Ah, the average Trump supporter. They never disappoint. Earlier, last week we highlighted the work of Jason Selvig, one half of the Good Liars, who’s out there in the world having conversations with the MAGA cultists. That produced this doozy of a clip where an anti-vax Trumper accidentally made the case for vaccines in real […]
The Poke.
Pete Hegseth is reportedly thinking of running for President in 2028 – 18 people drinking in the glorious comic potential of his campaign
Never a man short on confidence, Pete Hegseth is reportedly considering running for the Republican nomination to succeed Donald Trump as US President in 2028. According to NBC News, the US Defence Secretary – and avid and not-at-all cringey fitness enthusiast – has told “close friends and associates” that he’s considering contesting the nomination, for […]
The Poke.
A man snatched Alexander Isak’s shirt from a child Liverpool supporter, and he was rightly shamed into handing it over
It’s always good to get a reminder that absolute bellends walk among us – and that they can get their comeuppanace too. Liverpool striker Alexander Isak tried to do a kind thing as he walked off the pitch after his team’s 2-2 draw with Nottingham Forest. Spotting a young fan in the stands, Isak took […]
The Poke.
American kids learn the names of the Great Lakes with the acronym ‘HOMES’, so renaming Lake Ontario will be a self-own for the ages
Just when you thought the story of Donald Trump renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America couldn’t get more ridiculous, here comes a new twist. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Lake Ontario is renamed to LAKE AMERICA! 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/ZFww8PexiW — The White House (@WhiteHouse) August 27, 2026 Generations of American kids have learned the names of the country’s Great […]
The Poke.
This bittersweet clip from ‘Home Alone 2: Lost In New York’ is going viral because so many of the beloved movie’s actors have died this year
It has been a tough week for pop culture fans, first with the death of the iconic Dolly Parton, and then of beloved actor Tim Curry. British actor Curry, who did on Wednesday aged 80, was best known for his roles as Dr Frank-N-Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and for scarring a generation […]
The Poke.
