The Onion
Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As ‘Twilight’ Fan Fiction
WASHINGTON—Offering new insight into the origins of America’s founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. “Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation’s Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a non-canonical work of vampire romantasy fiction featuring Edward Cullen and Bella Swan,” said historian Silas Glenford, adding that most direct references to the Twilight series were ultimately replaced with passages proclaiming the 13 colonies as independent sovereign states to avoid infringing on Stephenie Meyer’s copyright. “Thomas Jefferson’s opposition to the original draft’s enemies-to-lovers plot line appears to have steered the document toward a focus on grievances with British colonial rule, which the pro-Jakeward faction of the Founding Fathers accepted as a compromise to defeat Benjamin Franklin’s efforts to include several graphic werewolf sex scenes with his own self-insert character. George Washington in particular likely fought tooth and nail to keep the Declaration’s depiction of King George as a BDSM-obsessed vampire, though the true reason this was omitted in the final document is a mystery known only to those present at the Second Continental Congress.” At press time, Glenford added that X-ray analysis suggested that the founders initially signed the Declaration under the pen name Drakeblood Demonfire before its success prompted them to sign again using their own names.
The Onion.
Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony
PLYMOUTH, MA—Reaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. “Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident?” said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite having been together 250 years, the former British colonies looked just as devoted to unalienable rights now as they ever did. “Now take this pen, a symbol of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and add your signature in federal union. I now pronounce you, once again, the United States of America. You may sign the parchment.” At press time, South Carolina had reportedly threatened to secede after spotting Pennsylvania in a cabana during the reception entering into union with California.
The Onion.
A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World
In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD,
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station to which the laws of nature entitle them as Americans, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that an editorial board for America’s finest newspaper should declare the causes which lead them to promulgate a Declaration of Independence that states, once and for all time, our vehement opposition to any other countries besides America.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all nations besides our own are created in an equal state of inferiority, that they are endowed by their Creator with a duty to, at worst, not bother America’s ruling class and, at best, be dedicated to toiling in support of our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. That to secure this outcome, such other nations, which include Botswana, Lichtenstein, and many others, must stop being so weird and irritating all the time. That whenever such countries forget they owe their very existence to the consent of America’s elite, it is the responsibility of such elite—such as The Onion’s board members—to demand these countries alter or abolish themselves, in order to guarantee that the United States no longer has to deal with their unyielding folly.
Prudence will dictate that other nations should know better than to continue existing, given that the mere mention of names such as “Thailand,” “Kyrgyzstan,” and “France” causes great pain and misery to the American ear. All experience has shown that America is more disposed to suffer when other countries persist, and these countries must thus dissolve themselves.Indeed, after suffering 250 years in a long train of abuses and injuries ranging from “Eurovision” to tapas to the so-called “game” of cricket, it is Americans’ right, indeed, their duty, to throw off the shackles of living in the same reality as other nations. Such has been the quiet misery of our lot, looking on in horror as dozens upon dozens of states without the name “America” are allowed to desecrate our maps and globes. It has therefore become a necessity that this grotesque status quo is ended. To prove this, let facts be submitted to the world about the grave injustices inflicted upon the United States by other countries.
They have called together legislative bodies much like our own in strange and unfamiliar places, far from our shores, for the sole purpose of making a mockery of our way of governance.
They have stolen the concepts of “democracy” and “liberty” and bandied them about as their own without paying even a small 30 or 40 percent of GDP to our coffers in gratitude.
They have fished their own seas, harvested their own land, and fed their own people.
They have asserted their own independence.
They have perfidiously changed their names, as, for example, “Turkey” to “Türkiye,” so as to deliberately baffle and exhaust any American’s attempt to pronounce them.
They keep making food too spicy.
They have attempted to obstruct the extrajudicial killings of their leaders and acted in wanton opposition to the bombing of their hospitals and schools.
They refuse to subscribe to a diet entirely consisting of hot dogs, which has repeatedly proven wholesome and necessary for the public good.
They have rejected calls to annihilate themselves and their citizens with a thermonuclear warhead so that Americans no longer have to experience the indignity of learning about them.
They all smell bizarre and terrible.
They have conducted trade with one another while our largest businesses are forced to sit idly by and watch like cuckolds.
They have created ideas such as “very tight men’s pants,” “discotheques,” and “bidets” in brazen violation of human dignity.
They have erected a multitude of new and very tall skyscrapers in rank defiance of the Empire State Building.
They have created judges who swear loyalty to a constitution beside our own, resulting in such dangerous absurdities as a “Bulgarian judge” or a “Greek judge.”
They have kept, even in times of peace, large armies of foreign soldiers to complete the work of desolation and tyranny known as “defending their borders,” a practice of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled even in the most barbarous ages.
They have excited domestic insurrection amongst us by exporting into our midst films such as “Roma” and “Sentimental Value” and have endeavored to make our own peoples slog through their dismal plots.
They continue undermining the principles America was founded upon by being separate countries besides our own. Worst of all, they have continued to do so on this, our most sacred and majestic of anniversary years, despite repeated insistence that they cease any celebrations such as birthdays or parades or fireworks displays that might distract from our own.
In every stage of these oppressions, The Onion has petitioned for a simple solution to the various nations of the world: Stop existing, either through killing all of your citizens or simply going away somewhere else. Our humble requests have been answered only by repeated injury—injuries such as the unchecked spread of the “siesta” or “The Great British Bake Off.” Such gross injustice is unfit to persist.
We, therefore, the representatives of The Onion’s editorial board, in general union assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good shareholders of Global Tetrahedron, solemnly publish and declare, that these United States ought to be free and independent of the perpetual burden created by other sovereign states; that they are absolved from ever dealing with the other 194 countries in the world, and that all tangible connection between ourselves and the remainder of the earth is and ought to be totally dissolved, such that forever after we do not have to exist in a reality where other countries do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our free market, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our enormous fortunes, and our sacred honor.
Tu Stultus Es,The Onion Editorial Board
The Onion.
Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America’s Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday.
“Happy semiquincentennial, America,” said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and others after a red, white, and blue star shot across the sky. “Just because we died and our souls went to outer space doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about you. Watching you from above only makes us love you more!”
“We are so proud of everything you’ve done to make this the best country in the universe,” the first U.S. president added as he batted away an errant satellite while celebratory fife and drum music echoed across the Milky Way. “And remember, if you need us, we’re always just a few galaxies away.”
In an emotional speech, a teary-eyed Washington told the nation that although he died in 1799 of a throat infection, he had in the years since eagerly watched over America from 4,000 light-years away on planet Nebulon, mourning when his native Virginia fell to the Union during the Civil War and cheering on the United States during its glorious military campaigns across Asia and the Middle East.
Flanked by the spirits of his esteemed fellow members of the Continental Congress, Washington reiterated that despite the many planets they visited, alien races they slaughtered, and wars they waged throughout the universe, America would always be the best place they ever colonized.
“See, America, it was scary when we died, but you’re more than capable of being a country without us!” said the celestial form of Thomas Jefferson, whose eyes twinkled as he appeared alongside the spirit of his slave Sally Hemings and several of their children. “You have faced so many atrocious challenges: the Nazis, the Russians, hippies, immigrants, and two Catholic presidents! But you never once backed down.”
“When you dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, I said to myself, ‘They’re going to be okay,’” Jefferson continued with a chuckle. “And based on your current government, we know you are in good hands.”
Several reports indicated that Jefferson then snapped his fingers and summoned the spirits of many deceased Native Americans and African slaves, as well as dead Iraqi, Afghan, and Vietnamese children, all of whom floated in the sky and said that Americans should be proud of their history and that any disagreements or misunderstandings from the past were now “water under the bridge.”
Washington congratulated the United States on “all the beautiful slaughter to come” and, with a wink, said, “Oh, by the way, watch out for the famine.” According to reports, the Founding Fathers then faded off into the distance, leaving behind constellations in the shapes of their faces.
“I looked out my window and saw the Founding Fathers flying across the sky on a giant space eagle,” said Seattle resident Angie Freedman, who was awoken Saturday by the sound of a bugle playing the national anthem. “They talked a lot about how painful dying was and how there’s still syphilis in space, but it was amazing to hear how much they loved us. I waved at Alexander Hamilton, and he actually smiled and waved back!”
“It made me proud to be an American,” Freedman added. “Even though Benedict Arnold was there for some reason.”
At press time, 340 million Americans were heard cheering raucously as the Founding Fathers returned for an encore and chanted “USA! USA!” while blood rained down across the country.
The Onion.
Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Ringing in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of “bog-trotters go home,” the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish.
The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million Americans, as well as 32 million potato-eating others whose reasons for remaining in a country that never welcomed them in the first place were unclear. Sources confirmed they were impressed by the dignity and poise with which the nation carried itself in the face of the interlopers, noting that to rise above the pasty, redheaded horde and their diseased children was no easy task.
“Two hundred and fifty years may not seem that long when compared to a country like China or Egypt with thousands of years of written history, but to be fair, neither of those places ever had to deal with the Irish,” said historian Robert Garson, director of the Harvard University Center for Human-Hibernian Relations. “A quarter of a millennium ago, the Founding Fathers came together to establish a new nation in the name of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and no mick can take that away from us.”
“I believe Ronald Reagan hit the nail on the head when he described this country as a shining city on a hill with a shantytown stinking of boiled cabbage at its base,” Garson added.
At Independence Day celebrations across the country, the mood was reportedly jubilant, with residents in small towns and big cities alike exhibiting a rare optimism that for once the Irish might stay in their own neighborhoods. In downtown Boston, visitors strolled down the Freedom Trail, posed for pictures in front of the Paul Revere House, and cheered as law enforcement burst into pubs and dragged out the drunk, violent foreigners who had stolen Americans’ canal-building jobs and dyed their rivers green.
“I was a bit worried about visiting Boston, considering its demographics, but they’re doing a great job keeping all their Murphys and Maloneys in line,” said tourist Victoria Diaz, who noted that she felt much safer after learning the city had erected barbed-wire fencing around all of “Southie,” as the Irish neighborhood is known to its largely illiterate population. “Plus, I made sure everyone in my family packed some chunks of soda bread we can throw to distract them if they try to get us.”
“Not even the sight of a sloping-skulled Irishman could bring me down on a beautiful day like today,” Diaz continued, smiling.
In the nearby suburb of Brookline, residents took part in a ceremony at Town Hall in which they unearthed a time capsule from 1976 that included a “Spirit of ’76” commemorative coin, a bicentennial flag, and a Celt-repelling King James Bible. According to municipal officials, the time capsule also featured a handwritten letter from sixth-grade students begging to know if in the future flying cars had been invented and the Irish had at long last been exterminated.
“I remember the bicentennial like it was yesterday—there were flags on every corner, people wearing red, white, and blue everywhere you looked, and St. Aidan’s Church was on fire,” said Brookline Mayor Edwin Ayers, 63, who recalled gathering with his family in a local park to watch the captivating flames light up the night sky. “It was a very special time, and in a way, nothing’s changed. We didn’t let immigrants from Ireland get us down then, and we don’t let them get us down now.”
“Give us 250 more years, and we’ll build a paddy wagon big enough for the whole godforsaken island,” he added.
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.”The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time.“We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.”Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first.In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically.“You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.”Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement.Iran has not yet accepted the proposal.“Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.”Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer.“Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?”🖊️Tony won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
Paid subscriber dispatch
The rest of this article is for paid members
You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing.
Continue reading →
Also included with membership:
Every Duffel Blog story
The complete archive
Exclusive newsletters and features
The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything
Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Watching England at 1am: your 12 hours of torment
ENGLAND play Mexico in the small hours tomorrow, and despite everything you’re going to watch it. Here’s how you’ll prepare and suffer the consequences:
4pm-5pm
Nervy preparations begin with a work-related excuse not to go to the pub. In order to get an afternoon nap in, you eat an enormous roast dinner and wash it down with three pints.
5pm-6pm
Bloated on the verge of a food coma, you try to prepare for tomorrow’s working day by putting a wash on, including your lucky retro England shirt. You’ll get it out later.
6pm-7pm
Propelled by early-onset hangover urgency, you decide the kids should be in bed early and f**k Thomas Tuchel. You read them a Marcus Rashford Breakfast Club Adventures story and reflect that he’s as skilled at writing as he is at scoring a penalty in the 2020 Euros final. The kids are allowed to take devices to bed.
7pm-8pm
You try to nap, but are interrupted by constant texts about possible team line-ups, injuries, and excuses for missing work tomorrow. The gnawing dread that your excuses are as flimsy and unbelievable as your prediction of ‘4-1’ is inescapable.
8pm-9pm
To relax you turn on the TV and stare mindlessly at a Harlan Coben thing for an hour, occasionally responding to whatever your partner is saying with ‘Yeah’, ‘I dunno,’ ‘I think he’s the baddy,’ and ‘They’ve had no time to acclimatise, it’s basically cheating.’
9pm-10pm
You crack open a bottle and watch Brazil versus Norway to get in the mood. The level of skill from both teams is frightening. By your second beer all you can think about is how it would be a mercy not to play the victor of this.
10pm-11pm
Four beers in, you’re feeling great. Awake, alert, ready for a match that doesn’t begin for hours yet. You’re on your phone Googling tickets and flights, deciding your credit card can take it, when stats about Mexico’s win percentage at their home stadium arrive just as the team is announced. Anxiety initiates an immediate bowel movement.
11pm-12am
You realise you’ve missed a meal, so you make an overly elaborate sandwich, with crisps, and dips, and a whisky chaser. ‘Football’s coming home’ is playing in your mind, on a loop, somehow mockingly. Drown it out with more Harlan Coben.
12am-1am
Your TV turns off automatically and wakes with a defibrillator-sized jolt five minutes before kick-off. You’re not ready, it wasn’t supposed to be like this; indigestion, drunk, alone, your lucky England shirt still wet in the machine. Try to get your game head on, haunted by Haaland.
1am-2am
Game on. Somehow you’ve had all the beers, but Jameson’s is fine from the bottle. The football is not riveting. Your heart hammers regardless. During hydration breaks you piss in the garden.
2am-3am
You’ve sat through the bollocky halftime punditry and given yourself an aching thumb messaging about channels and the hard press. Wish you could go to bed and find out in the morning but the group chat won’t let you. Snack on guacamole and tortilla chips.
3am-4am
You’ve made it. Your head’s banging, your stomach’s lurching, you’re up for work in four hours and will be sweating Scotch on the commute. The group chat has degenerated into outright abuse. You lie in bed wide awake after hours of footballing anguish and all you think about is who the murderer is in the Harlan Coben thing.
We ask you: What superpowers do you think Britain’s mayors should be awarded?
OUR new prime minister is to give Britain’s regional mayors powers beyond all imagining. What do you want your mayor to be able to do?
Norman Steele, bin reseller: “Not fly, or he’ll just f**k off and never come back. This is Mansfield after all.”
Julian Cook, dredger: “I’d like our mayor to have the power to drive people with a different skin colour on another continent absolutely insane with rage. If Sadiq Khan can do it, why not Paul Bristow of Cambridge and Peterborough Combined Strategic Authority?”
Donna Sheridan, pharmacist: “Our mayor’s already able to magically divine that any problem, from fly-tipping to SEND funding shortfalls, is due to immigration because she’s Reform’s Andrea Jenkyns.”
Denys Finch Hatton, genealogist: “Does he have to have powers? I find them unconvincing, and would prefer that Swindon just get its very own Batman.”
Lucy Parry, picture framer: “There’s invisibility, there’s teleportation, but ultimately as a mayor the most important power is to really be able to tell which is the bonniest baby.”
Man torn between going to Taylor Swift’s wedding or Ayatollah Khamenei’s funeral
Am I opening until 5am on Monday? F**k off. By your local pub
By Wayne Hayes, landlord of The Ten Bells, Lowestoft
I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.
And not just because it’s Starmer’s idea, though that’s reason enough. It’s because I’m not playing nursemaid to a load of pissed-up dickheads who throw their pints whenever Harry Kane gets one chalked off by VAR.
Want more reasons? First of all, half of them won’t turn up. Everyone’s all ‘see you here tomorrow!’ on Saturday night then Sunday night can’t be arsed and stays home with a crate of Carling. I’m not paying bar staff double time to look a twat.
Second, they’ve not got the stamina. I know my drinkers. Even if they pace themselves they’ll be dozing off by half-12, and that’s before England start playing which given their games so far isn’t going to help.
Third? I mean, blame the altitude in advance and all that, but we’re hardly going to win, are we? And that’s not conducive to selling booze. They’ll still be sipping the same Stella they’ve bought at kick-off at full-time.
And what’s with this f**king 5am bollocks? The game’s over by 3am. What, everyone’s sticking around for two hours of post-match analysis after we’ve been knocked out, are we? With work in the morning?
No, I’ll be closing at half-ten as usual, as will everywhere else. Though my brother Graham’s keeping his open for the full whack and expecting brisk business, especially from 3am onwards. His pub’s in Glasgow.
Kids allowed to get shitfaced for Mexico match
THE government has announced that children will be able to stay up late and get pissed for the England-Mexico match.
The legal drinking age will be temporarily removed on Sunday night so that children can experience the joy of watching England crash out of the World Cup with eight pints swimming through their system.
A government spokesperson said: “Young people shouldn’t be left out of these national moments. And one night of heavy drinking isn’t going to do them any harm. Their little livers will bounce right back.
“Kids are about to have social media ripped away from them, so they deserve a night of sinking pints while cheering on the Lions. It’ll be their first taste of adulthood and a crisp IPA rolled into one wholesome experience.
“For one glorious night the generational divide will vanish as red-faced primary school kids belt out Wonderwall alongside their elders. Little ones can even have a go at hurling abuse at the TV and getting into a bar fight, if they’re good.
“And who cares if they’ll be too hungover for school? Watching grown men cry in a Wetherspoons at 3am will be far more educational than anything they’ll learn in the classroom.”
Eight-year-old Jack Browne said: “This sounds even better than our school trip to Alton Towers. I hope I get a taste for excessive drinking I can enjoy for the rest of my life.”
