The Onion
Cyclosporiasis Outbreak Linked To Ancient Evil Corrupting The 7 Sacred Diarrhea Crystals
ATLANTA—Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation’s cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. “After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora infections was caused by the dark sorcerer Valnos escaping from the Prism of Binding and subsequently plunging the sacred crystals that govern the flow of diarrhea through our lands into chaos and disharmony,” said acting CDC head Jay Bhattacharya, adding that residents in the states of Michigan and New York should avoid consuming bagged salads until Valnos’ corruption has been purged from the Sacred Diarrhea Crystals with the Blade of Destined Digestion. “Our response team has already purified the Crystal of Looseness deep within the forests of the Stoolwood, and we’re close to reaching the Crystal of Wateriness in the sunken temple beneath Lake Shartoa and the Crystal of Burning within the fiery crater atop Squirtfire Peak. We’re troubled by reports that Valnos is personally guarding the most powerful of the diarrhea crystals—the Crystal of Blood—within his sanctum at Fort Explosia, but we remain confident that a public health expert of pure colon and indomitable will shall rise up to defeat him and restore order to diarrhea, as was prophesied eons ago in the Great Age of Excreta.” At press time, Bhattacharya urged Americans to continue washing their produce until one with the power of all seven crystals sat upon the Throne of Voiding and banished Valnos and his legions of cyclospora forever using their heart’s sincerest wish.
The Onion.
What To Know About Cyclosporiasis
Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause “explosive diarrhea,” have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.
Q: Who is most at risk?
A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who’ve already used all their sick days.
Q: Why is it called “explosive” diarrhea?
A: Extensive focus group testing.
Q: How many cases have been recorded?
A: Oh, the CDC doesn’t do that anymore.
Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?
A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.
Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?
A: With a large cork and plenty of prayer.
Q: How do I keep myself safe?
A: Let all your compulsions and neuroses take over your life again.
The Onion.
Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself
WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they didn’t want to see the Republican lawmaker from a different angle, and they didn’t want any videos, either. “It’s okay if you’re alive. It’s okay if you’re dead. We’d rather just embrace the mystery, do you hear us? If we want another photo of you, we’ll ask, though that’s unlikely to happen. Also, please, no photos of your wife.” At press time, the American public had suggested that the office of Mitch McConnell release some photos of the delightful Shawn Hatosy as Dr. Jack Abbot.
The Onion.
Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet
LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that the squad of body-armor-clad men giggled and poked at each other in anticipation of their signal to engage, leading their commander to shove them back into position like a frustrated dance mom. According to sources, the heavily armed riot cops smiled and waved to bystanders despite their superior officer urging them to stay focused. As they pointed to the people they were going to beat first, many got so worked up that they reportedly tripped over each other and dropped their batons when they were finally told it was “showtime.” At press time, the commander was seen begrudgingly leading one of the riot cops to a nearby bathroom after he had nervously pissed himself.
The Onion.
Insisting Coworker Get To Point Somehow Slows Him Down
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Cockroach Maintains Composure Despite Making Contact With Journalist
SHERMAN OAKS, CA — A local cockroach somehow maintained his composure on camera despite unexpectedly making contact with a journalist.
National Park Service Reminds Americans Not To Approach Bison, But If You Do, Make Sure Someone Captures A Hilarious Video Of It
U.S. — The U.S. National Park Service issued a reminder to avoid approaching the bison inside national parks, but if you do, to please be sure that someone captures a hilarious video of it.
Biden Heralded As First President To Author His Memoir Posthumously
U.S. — In the latest in a long line of historic achievements by the former leader, Joe Biden was heralded as the first president to author his memoir posthumously.
CDC Advises Those With Diarrhea Parasite To Stay Within Six Feet Of Toilet
ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an official recommendation this morning that those stricken with explosive diarrhea from the parasitic infection outbreak stay within six feet of a toilet at all times.
10 Rejected Titles For Biden’s New Memoir
At long last, the wait is over — President Joe Biden has written a memoir about his time in the White House. The book, titled Promise Me, America, will be released this fall following the November midterm elections, but that wasn't the only title that was pitched.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Marines discover fire
NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools.
U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm.
"For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion."
Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity.
Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history."
"For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning."
The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or...
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'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint
WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along.“You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.”Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint.“I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.”Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington.
VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.“No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.”Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years.“It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’”Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan.At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.
New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous
Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired
The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews.I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession.When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me.So.Come on.You know why I was fired.Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe.Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem.Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit.The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity.That one is on me.I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life.Still, better late than never.People keep asking how we got here.I do not know. I was in meetings.You people elected these assholes.For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure.Again, my mistake.Here is what I learned.Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke.Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history.Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes.Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.”The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about.If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.”If asked for evidence, say “DEI.”If asked for a plan, say “classified.”That is not bitterness. That is professional development.So, to review:Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people.And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé.Take care of yourselves.Watch your six.And if you are still wondering why I was fired?Come on.You know.🖊️Tony knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.
Daily Mash
Man chooses sunburn over having back touched by another male
A MAN has opted for agonising sunburn after concluding that a male friend applying sun cream would be gay.
Joe Turner, 27, was on holiday in Magaluf when he realised he could not apply sun cream to the whole of his back himself, necessitating a shameful homoerotic experience with one of his mates.
Turner said: “We’re lads, I can’t let one of them give me an intimate rub-down. I just had to suck it up and get painful burns that increase my risk of skin cancer. There was no other option.
“It’s not just about looking gay, although that’s bad enough. What if I actually enjoyed it? Frankly that’s a door I don’t want to open.
“You think you’re normal, then a man touches you and before you know it you’re having promiscuous gay sex on Hampstead Heath and joining Stonewall. It happens all the time.”
Friend Wayne Hayes said he would have reluctantly applied the cream, on the condition that Turner allowed him to buy him a pint afterwards, thus rendering the act fully heterosexual.
Turner’s lads’ holiday also included comparing penises in a hotel room, streaking through the lobby and a full-contact wrestling match that ended with him pinned naked to a sun lounger squealing with excitement.
However Turner maintained all of this was “just a laugh”.
Six painful responsibilities for the man in a new relationship
MEN are self-contained creatures, so being in a relationship can be a terrifying experience. These are the daunting new responsibilities they face.
Being nice
Being cheerful and pleasant all the time is an effort for men, who are naturally deep and introspective. But they try, and even manage to do things like visiting clothes shops without weeping with boredom, or being a tolerably competent lover to their girlfriend but not her friends or sister. These are remarkable achievements men should should be lavished with praise for.
Remembering things
Men are very logical, so they like to focus on clear, pressing goals such as getting pissed at the weekend. Therefore expecting him to remember your GP appointment a week on Friday is asking too much. Men also have an enormous capacity for pointless facts and trivia, so it’s unfair to expect him to store yet more data like your birthday or surname. In fact forgetting your name entirely is why you are referred to as darling, hun, babe and love.
Doing things
Girlfriends are weird and enjoy doing pointless things: going for a walk without it ending in a pub; pottering around a charming local market; going to parties to socialise rather than in the vague hope of finding someone to shag. This last one is particularly baffling – isn’t the whole point of a relationship being able to watch TV every night and still get regular sex?
Sharing
Relationships require a degree of sharing, whether it’s time, feelings or chips. However men and women’s concept of sharing is different. For him, ‘sharing’ means ‘one crisp’. She will assume that items of clothing her boyfriend is allowed to purchase will become her loungewear or nightwear after their first use. The sooner men learn the rule ‘What’s yours is mine and what’s mine’s my own’ the stronger your relationship will be.
Repressing urges
A single man is free to burp, fart and scratch his balls, but in a relationship these things give a partner ‘the ick’ and are strictly forbidden. In fact a ridiculous number of perfectly normal, healthy urges are verboten: eating a girlfriend’s chocolate, feigning illness when you’re due to visit in-laws, rubbing one out the second you are alone. It’s unnatural, but see the earlier ‘regular sex’ point.
Being husband material
Girlfriends often see boyfriends as a potential life partner, after obvious modifications. As a result they must ditch the sweat-stained gig t-shirts and cease childish hobbies such as assembling a vast army of tiny Space Marines. Girlfriends don’t live in a fantasy world like this. They need a boyfriend to become a responsible father to the adorable imaginary children they have already named and invented eligible partners for.
So whose f**king fault was that, then? A Mash investigation
ENGLAND lost, and it cannot be the fault of the country, our brave boys who gave everything, or the fans. So which knobhead is to blame this time? We investigate.
The manager
Thomas Tuchel was hired on the specific understanding he would not bollocks up a semi-final by going defensive and making the wrong substitutions. He did exactly that. Is it not, then, entirely his fault that Argentina scored twice in seven minutes? It clearly is. He should resign and walk into the wilderness to meditate on his failure until death.
The referee
Normally, England are victim to an outrageously biased refereeing decision the match turns upon so it is all the referee’s fault. This did not happen last night, and in a way does that not make it the referee’s fault? For not redressing a historical imbalance and sending Enzo Fernández off for nothing early doors, did he not condemn England to failure?
Gianni Infantino
Clearly wanted US-based so-called ‘best player ever’ Messi in the final, to promote football to rich Americans who’ve ruined baseball and basketball for themselves. Was it his bald Mr Bean face there in the stands, sneering at us, that caused England to become overly defensive for the last 30 minutes?
Mick Jagger
Talking of twats in the stands. The camera kept cutting to the sagging, bloodhound-retired-on-health-grounds face of the Rolling Stones singer, thoroughly jaded at what he was seeing. Sorry it wasn’t good enough for you, Sir Mick. No wonder England were as exhausted as your girlfriend trying to coax an erection out of you under that glare.
Margaret Thatcher
There’s bad blood between England and Argentina, and that’s down to her. Thatcher, who seized on the Falklands invasion to boost her flagging popularity, gave the team ample motivation to beat us not just in 1986 but in every game since. Why couldn’t the big-haired bitch have settled things diplomatically?
Adolf Eichmann
The architect of the Holocaust spent a decade in Argentina spreading his anti-British views, a poison which directly led to Lautaro Martinez’s 92-minute winner last night. Also to blame: Germany, Catholic bishops and by extension the entire Catholic church and the Pope, US counterintelligence and the US itself. All must go so England can win.
Starmer moved that everyone wrote ‘goodbye and good luck’ in leaving card
THE prime minister is genuinely touched that his colleagues wrote the most generic of messages in his leaving card, he has revealed.
The card, which says ‘Happy Birthday’ in big letters on the front and still has the price sticker on it, brought Keir Starmer close to tears thanks to the cold, empty platitudes it contains.
He said: “This is so heartwarming. It’s always hard to know if your co-workers like you when you’re the boss, but these vague well-wishes are proof I’ll be missed.
“Look how they’ve written their goodbyes really small and in the corners. They probably wanted to leave room for the hundreds of Labour MPs yet to sign the card. Although a lot were too busy, which is fair enough.
“I’m sure they wanted to write longer, more personal messages, but nobody likes it when someone hogs the pen. That also explains why they didn’t leave their names. The mad jostle to write in the card must have been crazy!”
Former deputy PM Angela Rayner said: “Yes, I doubt anyone was itching to write ‘Well you f**ked that, didn’t you?’ or ‘Good riddance, you total charisma vacuum who’s somehow managed to be hated by literally everyone’.
“As I was thinking what to write the words ‘Thank God that’s over’ kept going through my mind. But in the end I just went with ‘Great working with you’.”
World Cup stupid anyway
THE World Cup football tournament is stupid and England did not want to win it anyway, it has emerged.
Last night’s 2-1 defeat by Argentina does not matter in any way because grown men running around in shorts kicking a ball is ridiculous and pointless when you think about it.
England manager Thomas Tuchel said: “Argentina may have got the ball in the net twice, but what does that prove? They’re good at kicking round things at bits of string? That’s useful – not.
“It’s not as if they did something amazing like inventing the jet engine. Football isn’t even a proper sport anyway. Not like golf, that takes real skill. I’d like to see Fernández get the ball in a hole that wasn’t the size of a caravan.”
Team captain Harry Kane said: “None of the lads were bothered about winning anyway. For us it’s just a fun way of keeping fit. I spoke to Anthony Gordon earlier and he’d forgotten we even had a match last night.
“The trophy’s really tacky and you’re not allowed to keep it anyway. If someone gave that to me I know where I’d put it – in the bin.”
Speaking from Atlanta, England fan Martin Bishop said: “I actually find it quite sad when people take football too seriously. Like Argentina. What a bunch of losers.”
The Poke
Donald Trump said there was no such word as ‘affordability’ and no-one’s put the dick into dictionary quite like him – 17 especially eloquent takedowns
Noted wordsmith, Donald Trump, offered up another one of his patented vocabulary lessons at the Pennsylvania Defense and Innovation Summit. The twice elected President of the United States gave his thoughts on the word “affordability” (it’s fake), before parroting one of his favorite more recent spelling discoveries, that the word “dumb” has a “b” in […]
The Poke.
Pete Hegseth wants to test American soldiers to make sure they’ve got enough testosterone – 17 especially hairy-assed comebacks
The battle inside of Pete Hegseth between vanity, insecurity, and idiocy seems to be coming to a head. The Secretary of Defense just released a video outlining his latest plan for American military dominance and it sounds like it came from the back of a comic book. Hegseth wants all of his “individual warfighters” to […]
The Poke.
Liz Truss just opened the British answer to American’s CPAC and got just the reception she deserved
Like us you might have missed that it’s the opening day of CPAC GB, the British version of CPAC, the right-wing get together so beloved of Donald Trump and mega MAGAs everywhere. We’re not entirely sure what sort of crowd the opening speaker Liz Truss was hoping to draw, but the reception she receives in […]
The Poke.
What’s a rich people thing you experienced once and is totally worth the hype? – 17 wealthy ways of living it’s worth trying
We all know that rich people can afford a better quality of life than us mere mortals, but what happens if you somehow get a taste of how the other half live? Can you ever go back to normality? It’s a question that appears to have plagued Reddit user davidbayram. So much so that they […]
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The BBC did a ‘celebrity’ version of Wonderwall before England’s Argentina game and it was so bad even they took it down
Just when you thought England’s 2-1 semi-final defeat by Argentina couldn’t get any worse, along comes this. It’s a ‘celebrity’ version of Wonderwall put together by the BBC ahead of last night’s game, the Oasis song becoming something of an anthem for fans (and players) during the team’s progress through the tournament. And we’re not […]
The Poke.
