Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’ 

CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to watch Mortal Kombat II. “Come on, no one’s looking, just go,” said actor Stellan Skarsgård, who ushered the rest of the jury members through an emergency exit door and down a back stairwell of the Grand Auditorium Louis Lumière so the group could catch a 4:15 matinee of the video game adaptation. “Don’t worry, [Park] Chan-wook, we’re not going to get in trouble. We’ll be back before the last film’s over. They won’t even notice. God, aren’t you guys stoked to finally see something good? I haven’t seen a single decent fatality all week.” At press time, the jury members were said to be frozen in their seats after Cannes general delegate Thierry Frémaux entered the theater playing Mortal Kombat II and sat directly in front of them. The Onion.

Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works

FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the sweaty ass print left on a rowing machine at a local Crunch Fitness location was already fading away, much like all of our earthly works and aspirations. According to gym sources, the glittering delineation of an ass left as the vestige of a recent 25-minute cardiovascular workout session had, within seconds of its imprinting, begun evaporating from sight and memory, serving as yet another emblem of the impassive decay that claims all things. The rapidly dimming sweat mark—left by a gym-goer whose name matters not, for it will soon be forgotten like each of our travails—had at press time ebbed into little more than a pale shadow of its original form, soon to be lost to eternity, lost, as if it never was. For nothing is to endure, sources confirmed; empires will crumble, dynasties will be extinguished, ass prints will vanish, one and all in the blink of an eye. What we purport to be—our petty attachments, desires, fears—is a fleeting mirage. We are naught but the fading outline of a butt on the contoured rowing cushion of infinity. And in the face of our impending and necessary annihilation, quaking helplessly in the aerobic equipment room before the boundless vaults of time, what, terrified sources asked, is one to do? Why, one is to live, of course. For what meaning should life have beyond that which you can touch and taste and love at this very moment? Sow your seed, build your temple—whether its cornerstone be laid in Crunch Fitness or Babylon. And when the sands despoil it, when your clammy, temporal ass print is reclaimed by the cosmogonic ether whence it issued, the seraphs will reportedly smile upon you. For you were here, you were holy, you got a workout in. Live for today! Live, damn you. Live. The Onion.

NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars

PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the mundane on Mars. “After more than a dozen years on the Red Planet, our rover has officially uncovered a peaceful quietude among the endless rust-colored vistas,” aerospace engineer Haley Thompson said about the discovery, which reportedly prompted a wave of serene introspection throughout NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory. “These never-before-seen photographs capture the tranquil majesty of a simple rock, identifying for the first time the sublime in the everyday. Thanks to Curiosity, we have come to the powerful conclusion that while we’ve spent all these years searching Mars for definitive evidence of life and water, the true meaning was always before us in every pebble, every grain of sand. We are no longer concerned with endless advancement, but merely satisfied to live in the present moment.” At press time, sources confirmed the Curiosity rover had contacted NASA to request a paintbrush. The Onion.

BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol

STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope’s assassination protocol. “Have your tickets ready, keys and phones out of your pockets, and—this part is very important, so please listen up—make sure flash settings on your phones and cameras are off, ” said a security staffer positioned near the entrance to the stadium, who shouted out the instructions to make sure all fans had a fun, safe, and secret South Korean military weapon–free night. “Trust me, you don’t want to activate J-Hope’s attack mode. He’s stronger than an elephant and faster than lightning. And official light sticks only, please. We don’t want a repeat of what happened in Tampa.” Security officials also reminded fans there would be no refunds in the event J-Hope snapped their necks. The Onion.

Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo

The Onion.

Old Guys Hanging Out At Denny's At 6 A.M. Having Better Day Than You Could Ever Dream Of

LOST HILLS, CA — New reports show the four old guys hanging out at Denny's at 6 a.m. are having a better day than you or anyone else could possibly dream of.

Study Reveals 90% Of Data Centers Just Storing Your Wife’s Pictures Of The Kids

OVERLAND PARK, KS — The need for the construction of massive data storage centers has been in the news again recently, with the results of a new study indicating that 90% of data centers are just storage for your wife's pictures of the kids.

Abigail Adams Starting To Believe Husband Made Up This Whole ‘Continental Congress’ As An Excuse To Hang Out With The Boys

QUINCY, MA — Weary from a major smallpox outbreak in her area, the wife of John Adams claimed she was starting to believe this whole thing about a "Continental Congress" was made up by her husband as an excuse to go hang out with the boys.

Man Cured Of Depression After Doctor Prescribes Millennium Falcon LEGO Set

BROWNSVILLE, NY — According to sources, local man Porter Caldwell was completely cured of his clinical depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders after his doctor issued him a prescription for a 7,541-piece Millennium Falcon LEGO set.

White House Insists High Gas Prices Are Small Price To Pay For Accomplishing Nothing In Iran

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation facing its highest gas prices in years, the Trump administration assured Americans that it is but a small price to pay for accomplishing nothing in Iran.

A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.

Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets. Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like. For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.” Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin! These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed. “I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.” Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying. Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real. What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.” This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!

Awesome: Liam Hemsworth Is Teaching A New Workshop That Gives People The Skills They Need To Become A Hemsworth Brother

If you’ve been looking to learn a new skill, or you’re just on the hunt for a fun challenge, then you’re definitely going to want to keep reading, because one of the world’s most iconic actors is currently offering an opportunity to learn some of the secrets to his success: Liam Hemsworth is teaching a new workshop that gives people the skills they need to become a Hemsworth brother! This is incredibly exciting! If you’ve ever dreamed about becoming a Hemsworth brother, this sounds like it’s the perfect class for you! The three-week remote workshop, titled ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within: A Crash Course’ is currently open to the general public, and for just $800, students can learn from one of the world’s leading Hemsworth brothers about all the ins and outs of pursuing a career as a Hemsworth brother. In his description of the workshop, Liam outlines some of the key skills students can expect to learn in order to become a world-class Hemsworth brother, including being from Australia, hugging Chris Hemsworth on Christmas, looking like Luke Hemsworth, and having memories of growing up with all the Hemsworth brothers in the 1990s. This is so exciting! While there might be countless YouTube tutorials and self-help books about how to become a Hemsworth brother, there’s really no substitution for learning the basics from a real-life member of the Hemsworth clan with years of experience as a professional Hemsworth brother. The workshop lists itself as being “open to people of all ages and levels of experience with being a Hemsworth brother,” and Liam notes that the Hemsworth brother skills taught in the workshop have wide-ranging applications far beyond success in Hollywood. “Being a Hemsworth brother makes you an incredibly wealthy and sought-after movie star, but there are plenty of other benefits as well,” says Liam. “People who have taken my workshop in the past have gone on to achieve amazing things outside of the acting world, including having an Australian accent, being the son of Leonie and Craig Hemsworth, and having a driver’s license that says ‘Hemsworth’ on it.” While three weeks might seem like a short time to become a Hemsworth brother, ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within’ has a proven track record for success. Notable alumni who became Hemsworth brothers by taking Liam’s workshop include Luke Hemsworth, David Hemsworth, Sydney Hemsworth, and Locust Hemsworth. It really seems like when you’re learning from the best, there’s no limit to how far you can go! This is so exciting! If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Hemsworth brother, but haven’t really known where to start, you should definitely check out Liam’s class. It’s so awesome that Liam is taking the time to teach aspiring Hemsworth brothers the basics, and give them the tools they need to achieve their dream of being part of the Hemsworth family and doing things like hanging out with the Hemsworths’ dad and starring in Marvel movies! Kudos to Liam for his generosity and taking the time to help inspire the next generation of Hemsworth brothers!

Tough Spot: JD Vance Just Had To Spend A Whole Press Conference Defending Trump’s Post About How He Wants To Use JD Vance As A Golf Club

JD Vance has often found himself on cleanup duty after President Trump’s seemingly unhinged online statements, and this most recent instance might be his most difficult job yet: The Vice President just had to spend a whole press conference defending Trump’s post about how he wants to use JD Vance as a golf club.   Late last night, President Trump took to Truth Social to write a surprising screed about his VP. Read the post below:     Almost as soon as the post went up, the Internet was up in arms, with many X and Truth Social users stating that the President likely couldn’t hold Vance’s body up long enough to use him as a golf club, and others criticizing his focus on using the VP as a golf club while the war in Iran continues to drag on.    JD Vance himself likely felt apprehensive about the content of Trump’s post, but he nevertheless defended the President in a White House press briefing this morning. “Look: President Trump has worked with me, he’s seen me in action, he feels confident I would make a good golf club, and he thinks that would be what’s best for the country right now,” said Vance. “This administration isn’t afraid to get rid of the usual norms around who or what should be a golf club, or a baseball bat, or any kind of sports equipment. Because it’s very obvious that the way the Democratic establishment has been approaching golf clubs has done absolutely nothing for the American people.”   When a reporter from Reuters asked Vance whether Trump using him as a golf club was expected to have a positive effect on the American economy, the Vice President responded by saying, “Yes.”   Wow. JD Vance really has his work cut out for him today. We hope the media keeps pressing him on the issue, because if Trump is really going to use the Vice President as a golf club, the American people need to know more. 

Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts

When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.  There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”  There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.  And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.  Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.  Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.  Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.  But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?  Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.  Ugh, Dad. No.  We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.

‘I Come Bearing Gifts’: President Trump Kicked Off His Trip To China By Gifting President Xi Jinping A Copy Of Lena Dunham’s ‘Famesick’ That He Personally Translated To Mandarin

Trump’s Beijing visit this week is clouded by geopolitical tensions between the US and China, but that’s not stopping POTUS from making the ultimate diplomatic gesture: President Trump kicked off his trip to China by gifting President Xi Jinping a copy of Lena Dunham’s Famesick that he personally translated to Mandarin. Say what you will about Trump, there’s no denying that’s a thoughtful gift!  President Trump wasted no time setting the tone of his state visit to China, greeting President Xi Jinping with a hard-cover edition of Lena Dunham’s memoir Famesick, which Trump spent the last month painstakingly translating to Mandarin by typing the entire autobiography into Google Translate, and then transferring the results into the book with a Sharpie marker. As China’s leader leafed through Lena Dunham’s candid descriptions of the struggles with chronic illness she dealt with during her rise to fame for writing and starring in HBO’s Girls – occasionally stopping to squint at unfamiliar Chinese characters Trump had written, including one used for ‘Hillary Clinton’ that was allegedly just a frowny face in a rice hat – Trump explained the book as a symbol of goodwill towards American-Chinese trade relations. “This is the most important book in my country – what Quotations From Chairman Mao is to China, Famesick is to the United States, and it’s written by someone not so different from you and I and Mr. Mao, Mr. Xi,” Trump whispered in Xi’s ear. “Her name is Leno Dunham, and she’s one of the worst treated ladies of all time, all because people are jealous of an incredible deal she made with HBO when she was 23 years old. It was one of the best deals ever made, and she got it done even though she had to deal with Jenni Konner and a total lemon of a uterus the whole time. Oh, and her boyfriend ‘Jack Off’-something was in love with a foreign little girl who didn’t even have a name. None of it mattered. Leno got it done.” “Mr. Xi, it’s obvious that Ms. Leno’s story is a metaphor for America and China: ignoring problems like the war in Iran (Adam Driver) and Taiwan (chronic illness), to become rich (Girls). And let me tell you, her story is even better in Mandarin. I cancelled so many important meetings to translate this for you. The Fake News Media thinks my discolored, scabby hands are from some terminal illness, when it’s actually from translating Famesick to Mandarin for you with a Sharpie. It caused permanent damage to nerves in my fingers. I was screaming in pain the whole time. Your language is genuinely insane. Anyway, let’s get China importing more American goods, okay?” President Xi simply nodded, handed Famesick to an assistant, then guided Trump to a private room for a one-on-one meeting. Wow. Considering how high the stakes are for Trump’s talks with Xi, it’s relieving to see that Trump opened things up with such a friendly offering! Personally translating Lena Dunham’s chronicle of fame, addiction, and personal health for Xi Jinping is a classy move, and hopefully a sign that China and the U.S. can start seeing each other as allies instead of enemies!

Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”

Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”

Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.” In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.

ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military

MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people

The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.

Starmer confident he’ll stay in role, given these twats

Why I gave up being a fashion editor to become a bricklayer, and why the answer is wealth

By Hannah Tomlinson. You know, of the Berkshire Tomlinsons I USED to be the fashion editor for British Vogue, and now I’m a bricklayer and hod-carrier. Why? You already know the answer is money, don’t you?  Yes, I walked away from a six-figure job to do something real and earthy for reasons I’d list as spiritual fulfilment and a need to abandon artifice, but actually comes down to ‘because I could afford to’. So useful having what I refer to as a ‘small private income’.  It’s very much the same reason I left London for Somerset, which you may remember from a previous article. I claimed it was to ‘remove myself from the aspirational rat-race of Mulberry bags and matcha martinis’ but made £2.2 million selling my flat.  I’m back in London now, of course – the Somerset place is being rented to a crypto-billionaire, more than covering the mortgage – but I’m not returning to my old job. No, not the Vogue one, the City one?  From my classic piece ‘I walked away from a job in the City to become a chocolatier’? That didn’t mention my £865k pay-off until after my rapturous discovery that I needed purpose in my life, and had found it in organic raw cacao?  Yes, well it turns out selling chocolate is a lot like being a common shopgirl. So I walked away from that, keeping only my substantial shareholding, and now I’m a bricklayer! I know, aren’t I remarkable?  Not a real bricklayer, of course. That would be absurd. No, this is the point where I reveal I’ve retrained as an architect and I’m only bricklaying for a few days and a photoshoot! My actual salary is f**king telephone numbers.  So why don’t you take inspiration from me and give up your boring job to do something you love? Because you’re worried you won’t have the money for rent or food? How boring and small of you. No wonder poor people never succeed. 

Couple in budding relationship agree to stop ghosting other people

A MAN and woman about to get into a serious relationship have made the mutual decision to stop ghosting other people. The relationship between 27-year-old Jack Browne and 29-year-old Lauren Hewitt has reached the pivotal stage of no longer cutting off communication with other potential partners without warning. Browne said: “Playing the field by vanishing without notice has been fun, at least for me. But all good things must end. “I’m not settling down, but I’m ready to stop breadcrumbing girls on my roster then leaving them on read, making them spend long sleepless nights questioning what they’ve done wrong. And honestly it feels fantastic to say that.” Hewitt agreed: “We’re moving to the next step. It feels scary to say I’ll no longer send sexy pics to all the men I’m keeping on the bench before disappearing without explanation, but it feels right. “I’m actually looking forward to lying in bed, going through all the profiles of those we’ve wordlessly abandoned and laughing at their pathetic attempts to renew contact. Every new couple does it these days.” She added: “I can honestly say I don’t want to ghost anyone else except for my Jack. And that moment will be so special.”

Julian Dicks, and other iconic British footballers who deserve to have roses named after them

A ROSE has been named after David Beckham, and surely other British footballers should have the same honour. These richly deserve floral tributes:  Julian Dicks (senior career 1985-2002)  Roses grow from shit and have thorns that can f**k you up, so would adequately represent the West Ham legend who starred in a 1989 game against Wimbledon described as a ‘disgrace to football’ and even whose testimonial featured a 17-player brawl. Floral notes should include beer, mud and testosterone. Duncan Ferguson (senior career 1990-2006)  Want to grow a rose aphids will be afraid to go anywhere near? Then breed a variety named after Big Dunc, who still holds the joint record for red cards and served three months inside for an on-pitch headbutt in 1994. Would deter burglars because its namesake has hospitalised two, in two separate incidents. Michael Owen (senior career 1996-2013)  Not every rose can be interesting. Some roses, while theoretically exceptional, offer little in terms of visual appeal or scent and are largely just there to fill the borders out and provide a backdrop to the other, more exotic roses. Such a rose could be named after prodigy-turned-journeyman Owen. Should not flourish in any soil outside of the Merseyside area. Kevin Keegan (senior career 1968-1985)  Flowers, as any gardener can tell you, promise a great deal they then fail to deliver. Year after year they fail to bloom, lose all their petals overnight, or manage a few sickly ones and it’s never their fault, it’s always the weather or the pruning or being overwatered. The Kevin would exemplify these failures, but trying to make it work would be fun. Harry Maguire (senior career 2011-ongoing)  The perfect name for a solid, dependable rose that might not be the star of any garden but will grow without fuss. Not especially attractive blooms. Rose-coloured. Scent: rose. Head perhaps a bit too heavy for the stem.

32-year-old has crush

A 32-YEAR-OLD man has been forced to confront the fact that, as well as a mortgage and back pain triggered by sleeping the wrong way, he also has a crush.  Digital services manager Tom Booker of Croydon made the upsetting discovery after catching himself smiling at a Teams message from Sophie Rodriguez, who he had previously considered ‘someone from work’. Booker said: “I thought I was past this. I own an air fryer. I own an air fryer cookbook. I compare energy tariffs for fun. I shouldn’t be lying awake replaying every second of a conversation about oat milk like it’s the final scene of a Richard Curtis film. “But her hair is so beautifully flaxen, her laugh so reluctantly won, her emojis so exquisitely chosen. How can I not? My friends have kids and pension plans while I’m wondering if this ‘lol’ on Slack means anything. “My heart beats louder when she passes. She replied quickly to my request for the Q3 accounts, which is a good sign. But it might be because she didn’t want to get in trouble with her line manager. “Others know. I asked Dan how my shirt looked and he snickered. I saw him talking to her and I broke into a cold sweat. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t have to navigate complex feelings when I make an involuntary noise when I stand up.” Sophie, aged 31, said: “I yearn for him, but it can never be. For we are on different lunch rotas.”

Ever wondered how they’d bring out a $1000 steak in Vegas? It’s exactly as over-the-top as you’d imagine

If you thought Salt Bae‘s Wagyu steak at £600 ($759) was stretching it, wait until you find out what’s been going on at Papi Steak in Fontainebleau, a hotel in Las Vegas. In 2024, podcaster LasVegasFill shared a video of Papi Steak’s $1000 steak (not a typo) arriving with all the bells and whistles. Brace […] The Poke.

Donald Trump had a special guest to introduce and the way he did it was no less eye-opening for being so totally on-brand

Donald Trump took time out of his busy schedule launching his latest business venture grift, something called TrumpRz which – it says here – is a prescription drug website operated by the United States federal government. Among the guests at the launch was Tanvi Patel, Vice President and General Manager at Amazon Pharmacy. All Trump […] The Poke.

What is something that died out so quietly that nobody even noticed? – 17 little things that are gone but not forgotten

It’s true that change is the only constant in this fickle thing we call life. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pause every now and then and mourn the little things that have passed on. This is true for tiny everyday details as much as it is places and people. Alva_509 was curious to […] The Poke.

Donald Trump had a not overly convincing story to prove that all mail-in ballots are corrupt and the entire internet noticed the same flaw in his tall tale

The lower Donald Trump’s approval ratings fall, the more concerned he seems to be about any upcoming elections. He’s pouring thousands of dollars into primary elections. He’s campaigning on behalf of minor races. And most notably, he’s doing everything he can to spread a lack of trust in any election results that don’t go his […] The Poke.

This wannabe Republican congressman just compared Donald Trump to Jesus for an endorsement, in case you’re wondering how Maga is doing right now

The Presidential election isn’t for another two years in the United States (deep sigh), while midterms are coming up in November. In Kentucky, however, we’re getting a preview of what to expect from the state’s 4th district primary. On one side, representative Thomas Massie, who is actually a Republican but makes Donald Trump cranky because […] The Poke.