The Onion
Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now
BOSTON—In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time MVP’s brother. “We understand it would be difficult for Giannis to leave Thanasis and Alex behind in Milwaukee, but we want him to know his beloved brother Payton is already right here in Boston waiting for him,” said Celtics president of basketball operations Brad Stevens, adding that Antetokounmpo would surely remember Pritchard from their childhood in Greece, where the two siblings spent long summer afternoons playing basketball, sharing meals, and dreaming of one day winning a championship together in TD Garden. “The Antetokounmpo brothers have a special bond, and that’s why we’re so excited to offer Giannis the rare chance to play meaningful minutes alongside Payton ‘Pritchard’ Antetokounmpo, the 6-foot-1 Nigerian Greek guard who has always been there for him since their boyhood. Unlike some of his other brothers, Payton is a key rotation player, so they’d get to be on the floor together all the time. Frankly, we think that kind of family connection is impossible to put a price on, though we are also prepared to offer draft picks.” Stevens added that if Pritchard’s brotherhood wasn’t enough to attract Antetokounmpo to Boston, the Celtics also currently have his first cousins Sam Hauser and Luka Garza on the roster.
The Onion.
Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. “I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first came to America, I expected to sometimes see him jump from behind a door and strike me in the groin, or maybe be launched from a cannon through the clubhouse wall,” said Ohtani, explaining that Jackass had been his favorite American television program back in Japan, where Steve-O is incredibly popular and widely known as “Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra.” “I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to appear with leeches, a stun gun, or a small dangerous animal, but he never comes. I have met so many famous Americans—LeBron James, Tom Hanks, Preston Lacy at least 25 times—but still not the one man I came here to find. I do not understand why our paths have not crossed. I wish to tell him how greatly I respect his willingness to be hurt in a funny and honorable way. Please, Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra, I dream to staple your buttocks. Help make this happen.” Ohtani added that he had recently written Steve-O a formal letter inviting him to “please electrocute my very strong body for friendship” and was eagerly awaiting a response.
The Onion.
‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly
CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange “Sidewalk Closed” sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her hands and saying, “But this is the sidewalk,” while several others began drifting aimlessly into yards, bushes, and even the street. With no instruction on where to walk instead, over a dozen of the stranded pedestrians were seen retracing their steps to ensure they hadn’t accidentally veered from their route, but this only resulted in them circling back to the impasse again and again in a panicked looping pattern. Sources confirmed the crowd eventually swelled to over 60, with many agreeing to simply lie down on the ground and try to remain calm until authorities could arrive to guide them to safety.
The Onion.
Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation
The Onion.
Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret
The Onion.
ClickHole
Damage Control: The Cruise Ship Industry Just Issued A Press Release Explaining That Contracting Hantavirus Is ‘Only Like The 32nd Worst Thing That Can Happen To You On A Cruise’
With the recent cases of hantavirus spreading onboard the MV Hondius cruise ship, you may be rethinking booking yourself a vacation aboard a similar vessel. Well, looks like the cruise ship industry has a message for people like you: They’ve just issued a press release explaining that contracting hantavirus is, “only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise.”
Dang, if that’s true, guess if you plan on going on a cruise, you have worse things to worry about than a potentially fatal virus spread by rodent waste!
The press release released this morning by Cruise Lines International Association explained, “Following the hantavirus outbreak aboard the MV Honduras, we would like to reassure cruisegoers that contracting hantavirus is only, like, the 32nd worst thing that can happen to you on a cruise. From tainted seafood buffets, shipwide toilet malfunctions, elderly German nudists, bloody mary diarrhea, hirsute horny weirdos who won’t leave you alone, bad Jimmy Buffet cover bands, and all sorts of other high seas bullshit, we can think of many occurrences that could cause you to suffer severe distress during the course of a cruise trip. We encourage everyone who isn’t concerned with all of those things to chill out over the whole hantavirus situation. There are at least 31 worse possibilities to worry about, if not more.”
Well, those all undoubtedly all seem like great points!
Hopefully this message from the cruise ship industry helps put your mind at ease about booking a cruise by helping you realize that the hantavirus is only one of the many, many horrible things about spending weeks at sea on a huge vessel packed with thousands of drunk strangers. It’s great that they helped put this in perspective!
5 Ways You Can Discreetly Celebrate Someone’s Birthday Without Them Knowing
Sometimes a friend or relative has a birthday, but you’re embarrassed to celebrate in a way that they will find out about. Fortunately, there are some awesome and creative ways to celebrate someone’s birthday discreetly without them ever knowing. Here are five ways it can be done!
1. Whisper The Words “Happy Birthday” To A Chicken And Then Kill The Chicken
One of the most beautiful things about chickens is that they are unable to speak because they evolved wrong. This means that anything you say to a chicken remains a secret forever. If you want to wish a friend a happy birthday without them ever knowing, you should whisper their birthday greetings into the ear of a chicken. Even if the chicken wants to tell the friend, it will be unable to. However, there is always the chance that chickens will evolve the ability to speak at a moment’s notice, so you must also kill the chicken to make sure the birthday wishes remain a secret forever.
2. Decide That A Cake From The Past As Their Birthday Cake
If you give your birthday-having friend a birthday cake, they’re going to know that you’re wishing them a happy birthday, which would be a disaster and the end of your world. That’s why a great way to wish your friend a happy birthday in secret is to look at a photograph of a birthday cake from 100 years ago and say, “That’s the birthday cake for my friend, whose birthday is today.” This way, you can get your friend a cake that is so far away in time and space that they will never be able to eat it or even know about it.
3. Run Over A Piñata While They’re Sleeping
Piñatas are a type of donkey you destroy to make birthdays amazing. When your birthday-having friend falls asleep, drive into the woods and run over a piñata with your car. In this way, you will mark the splendid occasion of your friend’s birthday while they are dreaming someplace far away.
4. Give Them A Gun And Never Tell Them Why
For thousands of years, several people have mentioned that gifts are a part of birthdays. Many times, guns are gifts. For this reason, give your friend a gun on their birthday. However, if your friend asks, “Why did you give me a gun?” you must simply say, “I do not have to explain myself to you.” In this way, you have honored your friend’s birthday without them understanding why they now own a gun.
5. Wait Until They Are Dead And Then Blow One Of Those Party Noise Things
The party noise things are a kind of beautiful musical instrument that does the thing where it unrolls and gets longer when you blow into it. It also makes a loud noise. People blow these things on people’s birthdays to make them smile and clap. However, if you blow one of these near your friend on their birthday, they will know that you are doing it to celebrate their birthday and they will smile and clap like a person having a public birthday. But your friend must never know that you are celebrating their birthday or else your life will become horrible. As a result, the thing to do is wait until your friend is finally dead and then give one of those party noise things one big honk. In this way, your friend’s birthday has been honked about, but they have passed into a realm where they are unable to ever know about. This place is known as the Realm Of The Dead, and we are all going to be there soon enough. Happy birthday to your friend.
Bridging The Digital Divide: When Microsoft Donated Tablets To The Kids Of This Kenyan Village, They Became The Most Toxic ‘Pitt’ Fans Online Within Days
In developing nations, millions of children have little to no experience with digital technology compared to kids in wealthier countries. One tech giant just proved that access is all it takes to level the playing field: When Microsoft donated tablets to the kids of this Kenyan village, they became the most toxic fans of The Pitt online within days.
How cool is this? With equal opportunities, the world’s poorest children are capable of projecting their own neuroses onto HBO’s hit medical drama even more irrationally than American Pitt fans!
Last month, the children of Lolupe, one of the poorest villages in all of Kenya, received 30 Surface tablets from Microsoft as part of a philanthropic company initiative. These kids had never seen a tablet before, and yet, after just four days with the new technology, Lolupe’s youth had figured out how to not only operate the devices, but binge watch The Pitt and then histrionically plague star and executive producer Noah Wyle with complaints about the way his character was sometimes short with other characters. In no time at all, these Kenyan children were going viral with louder, angrier, and even less coherent whining over The Pitt’s creative decisions at a pace far more impressive than their privileged global peers.
“If you said ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ around these kids earlier this year, they would have no idea who you were talking about – today, saying ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ in Lolupe could spark a region-destabilizing war,” said Kate Behnken, head of Microsoft Philanthropies, who personally witnessed a six-year-old in Lolupe attempt to doxx Noah Wyle on her Surface tablet.
“The way these kids have taught themselves to react to an actor’s departure from The Pitt by perpetuating false accusations of bigotry against that actor’s co-workers is nothing short of amazing. They’re innovating entirely new ways to not understand how fiction works and pathologically hold other people’s art accountable for their own debilitating moral scrupulosity. You’d think these Kenyan children were Internet veterans.”
This is how you bridge the digital divide! Well done, Microsoft!
It’s so cool to see that with access to the same resources as kids in the Western world, children who grow up in poverty can weaponize their own mental illness and sheltered views to steer The Pitt discourse in the most toxic direction possible. Microsoft, you rule for this one!
Just Saying: This Woman Can’t Be Too Upset About Her Father Dying If She Posted An Elaborate Instagram Carousel About It A Few Hours After He Passed
Losing a loved one is never easy, and everyone grieves in their own way. That said, something feels just a little off here: This woman must not be too upset about her father dying if she posted an elaborate Instagram carousel about it a few hours after he passed.
Hm. A little soon, no?
Thirty-six-year-old Kelly Bishop’s father Keith passed away earlier today when he sadly lost his battle with cancer, and although the photos in her carousel surely make it seem like they had a great relationship, the fact that she managed to post 19 (!) photos of the two of them within just a couple hours of his passing does suggest otherwise. One has to think that the first few hours following your father’s death should be strictly for crying/weeping, not selecting which Allman Brothers song should accompany the carousel.
That said, she probably had a bit of a heads up (due to the cancer), so maybe she planned all this out a week ago and had it saved in her drafts, ready to go. And while that may sound icky, is it really that different from a new publication’s pre-written obituary? IDK…
Plus, posting this carousel saves her from reaching out to her friends individually to tell them the news, so now she can feel their support even sooner. But on the other hand, it just seems like you should wait at least a day before posting. Like if you really loved your dad… you probably wouldn’t even know where your phone was, let alone take the time to ensure every photo is properly reframed in portrait orientation.
One thing is for certain: There’s no correct way to mourn. But to post this soon after the loss is, well, you know, just a little soon. That’s all. Fortunately, nothing bad has ever happened to any of us, so we don’t know how we’d react in a situation like this.
Heartwarming: The Thousands Of Texts And Photos Exchanged Between This High School Math Teacher And Her Male Student Were About The Pythagorean Theorem
Looking to feel all warm and fuzzy? Well, here you go:
The thousands of texts and photos exchanged between this high school math teacher and her male student were about the Pythagorean theorem.
Awwwww. Just a dedicated teacher working overtime off the clock to help a student understand a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry!
When 16-year-old Reno High School student Bryan Clark’s parents discovered thousands of messages between him and Ms. Lewis, his 24-year-old math teacher, they were delighted to find that the two of them had been passionately discussing the Pythagorean theorem day and night for months.
Snapchats. Texts. Voice notes. Videos. All with one purpose:
To educate a fertile young mind about the magical fact that for any right-angled triangle, the area of the square built upon the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares built upon the two legs…
Which can be elegantly expressed as “A squared + B squared = C squared.”
Just check out this exchange, which is one of thousands that the Clarks discovered.
Bryan: cant sleep. u up?
Ms. Lewis: Yeah. Watching TV. You thinking about what I’m thinking about?
Bryan: mmhm. Euclid’s Elements? How he proves the PT?
Ms. Lewis: LOL you know it. You should be in bed though.
Bryan: Did you get the pics I sent earlier? Those drawings of right triangles I did?
Ms. Lewis: Sure did. I LOVED them. Send me more when you have a chance.
Bryan: I’ll try. But they’re hard to draw.
Wow. Now THAT’S the kind of thing we want out busty young teachers talking about with our teenage sons at 3 a.m. over Facebook messenger.
This. Is. So. Wholesome.
Duffel Blog
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Daily Mash
‘Approach, challenger’ Starmer roared to Streeting from atop his throne of skulls
KEIR Starmer summoned the latest challenger to enter his hall of combat while drinking blood from a horn while seated on his throne of enemies’ skulls.
Battle-scarred champion Starmer called hopeful Wes Streeting to step into his blood-strewn thunderdome while chewing the flesh of Olly Robbins from a femur and spitting the gristly bits into a jewelled cup.
Under the glow of flaming torches, barbarian conqueror Starmer said: “Is this the best warrior those massed against could muster? A baby-faced dweeb who looks like he’s always forgotten his homework? Mediocre.
“What will it be, Streeting of the Greater London wastes? Will you face the steel of my battle axe with the trident or the short sword? Or are you foolish enough to challenge me to bare-fisted one-on-one combat? Either way, your miserable fate is sealed.
“No, fighting you to the death would be a waste of my terrifying strength. Begone, and tell the people that Starmer the Mighty, Once and Future Prime Minister, former Director of Public Prosecutions, is as merciful as he is powerful.
“Your blood is not worthy of being spilled. Though your nuts shall receive a kick that would shatter worlds.”
Streeting said: “I’ll chalk that up as a win. I think I spooked him into submission by how stoically I wet myself and ran away.”
‘I have a Wes Streeting waifu’: Readers share their wild enthusiasm for potential Labour leaders
A LABOUR leadership contest must happen because the public demands it. Here Britons reveal which much-loved MP they have chosen to be their eternal champion:
Ellie Shaw, teacher
“Is Bridget Phillipson a candidate? The one who slagged off Bob Vylan and hasn’t done anything else of note? She might be standing? Oh my God that’s fantastic news! I’m going to call my mum!”
Tom Logan, delivery driver
“Don’t most people own a Wes Streeting body pillow? I’ve been a stan ever since I first saw him on Question Time in 2017 and every night I go to sleep cuddled up to his stout little body and round, shiny face. God, I hope he betrays me one day.”
Mary Fisher, illustrator
“I feel Ed Miliband has proved himself by hovering on the fringes of power for decades while achieving nothing. These days he looks as if he’s just stepped out of a crypt, but I’d definitely consider voting for him if the polling station was in my living room.”
Lauren Hewitt, student
“Speaking as a genuine young person, I believe Angela Rayner is incredibly cool, or ‘rizz’ in our language. She’s tried DJing and she drinks alcohol, both of which ‘slap’. Plus her ‘fit’, or clothing, looks as if it’s chosen to be fashionable without considering what it looks like. That’s mad tough.”
Josh Hudson, paramedic
“Shabana Mahmood’s been doing a fantastic job of copying Reform so I hope she wins, because I love racist policies while still voting for a nominally left-wing party. Makes my dick hard.”
Donna Sheridan, solicitor
“Yesterday as I was going to work my neighbour Iain rushed out. ‘Have you heard?’ he said, ‘Lucy Powell might stand for leader!’ I howled with excitement, and soon the street was thronged with people chanting ‘LU-CY! LU-CY! LU-CY!’. That’s how much we love her, and if she doesn’t win we’ll start a terrorist campaign.”
James Bates, electrician
“It’s got to be Rachel Reeves for me, with her magnetic personality and incredible good looks. I know you shouldn’t vote for someone just because you fancy them, but face it, Rachel has the lad vote sewn up.”
Martin Bishop, delivery driver
“I like Andy Burnham as he seems normal, competent and committed to improving things. So naturally they’ll make sure he’s excluded and I can f**k off.”
Minister for Self-Important Political Gestures resigns
THE minister for Resigning To Make A Political Point has offered her resignation to Keir Starmer.
MP Emma Bradford, who accepted the position as part of her long-term plan to unseat the prime minister, has joined the junior minister for Storming Out Angrily and the minister for Self-Important Political Gestures in leaving the front bench.
She said: “The council election results, as well as whatever the thing is with Mandelson, have left me with no option but to tender my resignation.
“The cabinet is now missing several key positions including the under-minister for Pompously Walking Out On Principle, as well as multiple ministerial aides who may only have popped to Tesco Metro. Starmer’s position is untenable.
“If he does not announce his resignation, the under-secretary for One Last Resignation Just In Time For The Six O’Clock News may go. Just a rumour, but media should check their email at 5.30pm.
“Either that or I’ll take my old job back before the consultancies paying me £30k a month notice I’ve gone.”
Any woman husband speaks to now referred to as ‘your girlfriend’
A WOMAN has confirmed that if her husband engages in any interaction with a woman, that women then becomes his girlfriend and is referred to as such.
Jo Kramer, aged 33, has so far branded a barista, a pharmacist, a Evri courier and the 87-year-old he talked to in a Post Office queue as her spouse’s girlfriend and, when irritated, as ‘your bloody tart’.
Husband Chris said: “A female chiropodist dealt with my bunions. Jo said ‘Give your bird a good seeing-to, did you?’ which I feel mischaracterised our relationship.
“Then at Waitrose I said ‘you too’ when the assistant wished us a good day, after which Jo asked why I didn’t go and marry her. It felt unchivalrous to point out she has a growth on her face and was wearing a hairnet.
“The work situation isn’t easy. Last week Jo asked if I was ‘off to see my work wife’ because a woman in accounts I’ve never met had emailed me a spreadsheet. And noted it was ‘interesting’ I got a haircut immediately afterwards.
“I tried returning fire by calling her pilates instructor ‘your boyfriend’. But she just mumbled something about him actually paying attention to her body and I didn’t push it.”
Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “The sarcastic use of ‘your girlfriend’ is rarely a sign of suspicion and more commonly a ritualised domestic sport, much enjoyed by couples who have run out of shows to watch together.
“However, it is weird that Jo said it when the family cat climbed on Tom’s lap.”
Five possible reasons Euphoria and Rivals are popular, all of which are sex
EUPHORIA and Rivals are the biggest shows on TV right now, but why? Here are five potential reasons, all genital-based:
They contain scenes of a sexual nature
So-called sophisticated viewers spent years pretending they relished the social commentary of The Wire or the corporate satire of Severance, but compared to young A-listers f**king they’re boring old shit. Who cares what Euphoria is about – if anything – when Sydney Sweeney jumps a skipping rope in a swimsuit?
There have sexy people in them
Viewers like to watch sexy people do anything. Even picking out vowels or consonants can be erotically charged when Rachel Riley’s doing it. Shrewd producers have noticed this trend and exploited your human failings for streaming cash. Even your secret lust for unconventional sex object Danny Dyer is catered to, you rampant f**k.
The sexy people have sex with each other
A genius move. Not only do Euphoria and Rivals boast a cast of studs and babes, they all regularly get their kit off and shag. Hopefully the scriptwriters are well renumerated for typing ‘they f**k again’ every other page, because it’s got millions tuning in. No mean feat, considering the endless hours of explicit content available for free online.
The sex is more sexy than regular sex
Even the sight of sexy, sweaty actors pistoning away risks getting boring, but the producers of Euphoria are a step ahead. They’ve conjured a plotline where Sweeney bones a microphone and balloon up into a sexy giantess. Ask your dad if you don’t believe it, he’s conducted extensive research himself after reading about it in the Mail.
Sex is a universal desire that will never go away
Some shows alienate viewers with themes and characters that don’t have broad appeal. Euphoria and Rivals cater to anyone with even a faint trace of a libido, which luckily for them includes everyone. And high-quality production values mean future generations will be just as titillated, like we are by classic 70s productions like Au Pair Girls.
The Poke
Watch Richard Tice repeatedly fail to condemn a newly elected Reform councillor’s disgusting suggestion that ‘Nigerians should be melted down to fill pot holes’
Richard Tice found the guts to speak to Laura Kuenssberg on her show on Sunday morning – unlike his party leader Nigel Farage the previous week, who has been doing everything he can to avoid scrutiny over his £5 million gift from a crypto billionaire. Richard Tice will be speaking to Laura Kuenssberg because I'm […]
The Poke.
A Reform UK-er’s attempt to own her Green Party rival totally blew up in her face and if this happened to us we wouldn’t leave home for a week
Like us you might not be overly familiar with the work of Linden Kemkaran, the Reform UK leader (since May last year) of Kent County Council. But now we’ll never forget her (well, not for a day or two at least) after her attempt to own her Green Party rival blew up spectacularly in her […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump claimed he donates his presidential salary to ‘White House preservation’, and it was a self-own visible from the pile of rubble that used to be the East Wing
At the weekend, Donald Trump somehow found a sliver of free time between golf rounds, ending wars, and proving he can identify a squirrel, a giraffe, or a lion, to give an interview to investigative journalist Sharyl Attkisson. They discussed the most recent alleged assassination attempt, the Iran War, US energy, the approaching mid-terms, and […]
The Poke.
Beth Rigby questioned Nigel Farage about his £5m gift from a crypto billionaire and he went full ‘Temu Trump’ – 22 scathing responses
It’s fair to say that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage is no fan of scrutiny. Whenever he’s confronted with an interview question he doesn’t like, he tends to turn into a Trump tribute act, using the same deflection tactics, tetchiness and dismissive arrogance as his mate in The White House. Here’s Beth Rigby from Sky […]
The Poke.
Maga cultists paid $600 million in deposits for a gold ‘Trump Phone’ that’s unlikely ever to exist… or be refunded – 17 of the least surprised reactions of all time
Cast your mind back to June 2025, when the Trump family announced plans to launch its own phone service provider, complete with a gold mobile handset – a snip at $499. "Now we're doing Trump Mobile. And Trump mobile is going to revolutionize cell phones" — Eric Trump announces the new Trump phone pic.twitter.com/PtFOblfLcu — […]
The Poke.
