The Onion
Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein
WASHINGTON—Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department’s release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein.
Trump, who described himself as a “victim of really unbelievable stuff, some of the worst” at a press conference outside the U.S. Capitol, broke down several times as he claimed that Epstein had repeatedly lied to him and pressured him into sexual activity with others from their first meeting in 1987 until the convicted sex offender’s death in prison in 2019.
“Today I stand before you as a survivor of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell’s horrendous abuses,” said the commander-in-chief, who paused to collect himself as he stressed that he was only a young, innocent 41-year-old when Epstein began grooming him in Palm Beach, FL. “He said he would get me a massage, and I didn’t know what that meant. Before I knew it, he was luring me to a private island with all these promises of real estate deals and then making me have sex with children for his sick pleasure. It was a nightmare I’m just now waking up from.”
“I am the first to come forward of the hundreds of businessmen sexually trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein, but I guarantee you I won’t be the last,” Trump added.
Trump says he was groomed by Epstein for sex with underage girls.
Due to the emotional nature of his remarks, Trump was accompanied to the Capitol by longtime supporters such as Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA), Attorney General Pam Bondi, and first lady Melania Trump, who provided the distraught president with tissues as he insisted he did not want attention or compensation but simply wished for the decades of birthday notes, flight logs, photographs, emails, and other evidence cataloging his extensive relationship with Epstein to disappear and never be spoken of again by anyone.
“All of these news stories about parties he made me attend, all of these files about other defenseless guys like me he kidnapped and took aboard the Lolita Express—it’s just too painful to think about,” said Trump, who added that having his identity publicly exposed by the U.S. government had forced him to relive the most harrowing period of his life. “There is something so inhumane about how I’ve been treated by the press. They don’t understand the terrible things Jeffrey Epstein put me through. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about all the billionaires he trafficked who weren’t lucky enough to get away.”
“Please, I’m just begging anyone in Congress who has a heart to make all of this go away—if not for me, then for the many others out there,” he continued, openly weeping as his wife draped him in her jacket and ushered him from the podium.
Following the press conference, Trump reportedly signed onto an open letter calling on Congress to suppress any information related to Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes, joining dozens of other self-described survivors, including Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Tom Pritzker, Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, and Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick.
The Onion.
ATM Looks Too Shitty To Trust
The Onion.
Heartbreaking Podcast Studio Included
his updated home includes a bonus room that has been turned into a pathetic little podcast studio, perfect for anyone interested in releasing three episodes of a show about international soccer before losing interest.
Reference #728543
The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Gentrification
While real estate investors often claim the goal of gentrification is to revitalize a neglected community, critics tend to view it as a harbinger of displacement that only benefits the wealthy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of gentrification.
PRO
Gives longtime residents opportunity to spread wings and explore other neighborhoods
Starbucks needs to live somewhere too
No more bothersome “community” making noise
Helps residents living in pilates deserts
Dog no longer bullied for sweater
CON
Better-funded school might make kid a nerd
Priced out of eating food
Will eventually be displaced by richer, whiter people
Have to reckon with how much you love stupid “mini donut flight” place
Still technically living in Boston
The Onion.
Everything We Know About ‘The Odyssey’ So Far
The Odyssey, director Christopher Nolan’s first film since Oppenheimer, is coming to theaters July 17. Here is everything we know about the highly anticipated blockbuster so far.
Stars returning include Nolan favorites Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and Rob Schneider
Maintains strict historical accuracy by having a character state “It smells terrible in here” every few lines in the script
Favoring practical effects over heavy CGI, Nolan insisted on using real gods and goddesses
Brand integration forces Odysseus to take Carnival Cruise ship home
Already marketed as “2027 Best Picture Winner”
Exposition about the nonlinear plot will be shoehorned into a nine-minute Charybdis monologue
Tom Holland plays Percy Jackson
Rumored to be not as good as the original oral tradition
Production was delayed by three days after a craft services mix-up resulted in 12 PAs turning into pigs
Best viewed in an IMAX theater using special CyclopsVision glasses
Antinous uses a Motorola Razr to really piss off the nerds
No minions
Nolan was inspired to make a film about a torturous, unending journey after a lengthy chat with one of his fans
Film’s runtime should allow it to knock out a good three or four periods of English class
You’ll never relive the magic of Barbenheimer, so don’t even bother trying
The Onion.
ClickHole
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable
Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable.
YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it!
In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.
The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.
Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months.
“The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.”
And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands!
Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!
About Time: The DMV Has Announced That Driver Licenses Will Now Have A Box To Check To Consent To An Image Of Your Mangled Corpse Being Used On A Death Metal Album Cover In The Event You Die In A Car Accident
Whether you’re a metal fan or just someone who’d like a cool way to be memorialized after you’re nothing more than a shredded mass of guts and flesh, you’re going to want to see this: The DMV has announced that driver licenses will now have a box to check to consent to an image of your mangled corpse being used on a death metal album cover in the event you die in a car accident.
Hell yeah! There’s no higher honor for a metal lover than to have half of your still-smiling head appear alongside the indecipherable logo of a band that sings about necrophilia and cannibalism.
Next to the organ donor box, all licenses will now have an additional box you can check that reads, “In the event of an accident, I consent to my awesome-looking, gory corpse being used on album covers, posters, and t-shirts for the heaviest, sickest bands around*. *No poser shit.”
“We love using the most repulsive, disturbing photos imaginable on our album covers to give listeners an idea of the harrowing, corpse-reeking death metal they are about to hear,” explained Pissgrave vocalist and guitarist Demian Fenton. “But we’ve always been concerned about using real gore photos without the consent of the rotting, burned, torn-up corpses on our covers. With the DMV’s new policy, we can finally source artwork that’s not only vomit-inducing and completely putrid, but also ethical.”
Even cooler, drivers who check both the organ donor and metal album art consent forms may even have their body parts used as stage props for metal bands’ photoshoots or live shows. So if you’ve always dreamed of having your lungs hanging from a mic stand while Devourment plays a ripping set, all you have to do is check a box on your license and hope you get t-boned by a cement truck sometime soon!
Hell yeah! What a cool way for the DMV to let drivers support the arts in death!
Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS
One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS.
Dang. CVS is really not messing around.
Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations.
“We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.”
Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS!
In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years.
In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.”
Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!
Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery
One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery!
Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened!
The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug.
If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors.
Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace.
Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula!
“At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.”
Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.
Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction
PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Daily Mash
How to go on a Peter Murrell-style domestic spending spree
ARE you keen to spend hundreds of thousands on items the person sharing a home with you can plausibly claim not to have noticed? Waste it like Murrell:
Upgrade minor personal items
Look around you. Is there a cup? A coaster? A notepad and pen? What if you still had those same things, but they cost thousands of pounds? Seems impossible, but check out the luxury brands Murrell favoured and you too could spend £975 on three Davek Saville umbrellas. They keep the rain off just like cheap ones! Your wife will never know!
Upgrade them again
Buying a bean-to-cup coffee maker? No rational person, like the one you’re married to, would expect it could cost more than £500 even for one of those George Clooney ones so a £1,299 one will go under the radar. Not spent enough? Upgrade to a £1,875 one three years later? Still got the itch? There’s a £2,595 one available!
Invest in collectibles
It’s not throwing money down the drain when you’re guaranteed to get it back, so shrewdly invest in items that can only appreciate in value like James Bond pens, Beatles pens, watches that look identical to any other posh watch, and sterling silver Kelpie beakers. Pop these in a cupboard and get them out to gloat over when your other half isn’t around.
Inexplicable multiples
If one item’s gone under your partner’s radar, she’s basically given you the green light to buy six of it! So four days after buying yourself a Nintendo 3DS, get three more in different colours. Swap them at will and she’ll have no clue you’ve rewarded yourself with a whole spectrum of gaming fun to play The Sims 3: Pets on under her very nose!
Hide the big stuff
Blowing thousands on unnoticeable household items becoming tedious? Then buy the camper van of your dreams but cunningly conceal it at the house of a relative and never, ever use it. You’ll still get that tingle of acquisition when you think of it and occasionally slip in to stroke the leather fixtures and fittings, murmuring ‘This is mine’ to yourself.
Don’t neglect the cheaper items
It may not be as enviable, but treating yourself to hand cream, a glass honey dipper, a Le Creuset wine foil remover, a swing ball set and a weather station means there will be new parcels to open every day, and that’s just as much fun! But no need to advise you to do this. Everyone in Britain does it every day already.
Champions League commiseration bus cruises through London without fanfare
A OPEN-TOP bus commiserating Arsenal’s Champions League defeat has driven through London’s empty streets without acknowledgement or fuss.
Thousands of Arsenal fans failed to turn out to greet their team as the players sat silently looking at their shoes on the bus, which had ‘LOSERS’ on the front and was bedecked in black ribbons as it meandered through a deserted Islington.
Gooner Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, I knew exactly where and when the parade was happening. And I made sure I was home with the curtains drawn.
“It’s important to commemorate these big occasions, like losing to Paris Saint-Germain on penalties, and as a fan I’ll never regret taking the opportunity to say ‘I wasn’t there’ to future generations.”
Fellow supporter Lauren Hewitt said: “I saw the bus go by from my living room window. You didn’t miss much. Just a bunch of sad, visibly broken men holding up their painful defeat for everyone to see.
“It’s no surprise nobody came out to see such a soul-destroying display. Except for the Tottenham fans who had a lovely day out.”
Flight attendants, and other women your boyfriend saves a creepy little smile for
THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these:
Waitresses
Over she comes, asking if you’d like more drinks, and there his face goes. His voice drops an octave, his mouth contorts into a strange shape and his eyes meet hers with full force. He knows you’re sitting there but can’t help simper about how wonderful the Aperol spritz he was just whinging about is. She doesn’t react. She sees this every day.
Flight attendants
Children are less needy for attention than boyfriends on long-haul flights. She’s forced to endure his requests for pillows and flight information and has to remind him to fasten his seatbelt every time because it means she looks at his crotch. He spends eight hours with an insincere smirk screwed to his face, swapping it for a face like a slapped arse the moment he disembarks.
Nurses
Nursing staff are under enough pressure without having to deal with a man with an unnatural beam fixating on them. You can’t visit an elderly relative without him flashing a sordid smile at every one that passes and boasting of his own good health which, given the circumstances, is pretty f**king tasteless.
Police officers
There’s a little back-and-forth going here: his soulless smile is acknowledging her power over him but finding it sexy, while she’d love to club him unconscious but isn’t allowed. You’re the witness to this unsavoury interaction and keep being glanced at as if the nauseating expression on his face is your fault, rather than a borderline sex crime.
Barmaid
The woman pulling pints is the female worker your boyfriend saves his creepiest smile for. Because he’s in a pub, he thinks there’s an extra level of sickly behaviour allowable. Fortunately an in-built resistance to pervy boyfriends is part of the job and she ignores his fixed grim becoming a little more grotesque with each pint. She isn’t paid enough.
Past-it old bastard includes you when referring to ‘people our age’
A FUSTY old geezer seems to be under the mistaken impression that you and he are in some way contemporaries.
Nathan Muir, aged 39, was approached by acquaintance Norman Steele at his town’s local festival and was happily engaging him in conversation until Norman dropped the bombshell that he believed the two of them to be alike in decrepitude.
A shaken Nathan explained: “I honestly don’t mind talking to the elderly. I used to have a grandad knocking about, so I know what they’re like.
“I know Norm from swimming and we get along fine discussing the state of the roads, teenagers with their speakers on the bus, these bloody e-scooters, neutral topics like that. Then he goes and ruins it.
“I mentioned how I’d done my back in running – running, being active, like young people do – and he says ‘Aye, well it happens to people our age.’ Ex-f**king-cuse me?
“He’s got no hair and wears tweed. I may have a few flecks of grey but I’m positively youthful. He wears a gilet. I wear big jeans and have tickets to Pinkpantheress. We are not the same.”
Steele, aged 55, said: “I remember that age, when you’re still pretending you’re in touch. I’ve seen how big he has the text on his phone. Next time he puts his back out, it’ll be from yawning.”
Parents of pretentious teen wish he’d get into beer and football
THE parents of a teenager who opines on Bertolt Brecht and Brutalist buildings wish he would drink cider and vomit at bus stops like his peers.
Martin and Sue Cook hoped their 15-year-old son Julian, who refuses to be referred to as ‘Jules’, was only going through a phase when he began blasting Shostakovich’s 7th through his speakers while ostentatiously flicking through books about Kandinsky.
Sue said: “We were prepared for vaping. We weren’t prepared for him wearing a black – sorry, charcoal – turtleneck while lecturing us on power structures in colonialist literature.
“When we worried about him mixing with the wrong crowd, we didn’t think it would be the attendees at a seminar on Composing Sonic Futures at the Barbican. We blame ourselves for calling him Julian.
“He downs a double espresso before school. He calls football ‘bread and circuses to pacify the proletariat’. He’s 15. He should be unconscious in a hedge, not telling the neighbours that their hedge is an outdated expression of English class anxiety.
“He scoffed at a man wearing Stone Island on the bus for ‘performing masculinity through consumer branding’ which is risky when he’s built like a bookmark.
“I was cleaning his room when I felt something under the mattress. It was Susan Sontag’s Against Interpretation. Annotated. Colour-coded tabs. I sat on the bed and wept. You hear about this stuff as a parent, but never think it’ll happen to you.”
Jules said: “Mum and Dad have suggested a lads’ holiday with my friends. A Bauhaus walking tour in Berlin beckons.”
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