The Onion
Trump Gathers Cabinet In Situation Room To Watch Porn
WASHINGTON—According to administration sources, President Donald Trump gathered his Cabinet in the White House Situation Room on Friday to watch pornography, staring at a large-screen TV with laser focus while his advisors sat around him in hushed silence. “Operation horny MILF teacher bangs hot male student is a go,” said Trump, who leaned forward with tented hands alongside a sweating, visibly aroused Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and Secretary of State Marco Rubio as a series of sexually explicit videos, including Mature XXX Facial HD, played in front of them. “He’s got eyes on her. In the principal’s office. That boy may be young, but he’s hung. He’s asking for extra help with his cock. Initiate erection in three…two…one…” At press time, the president informed the nation in a live televised address that he had successfully ejaculated after completing a targeted masturbatory mission in front of several female White House staffers.
The Onion.
Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity
MEMPHIS, TN—With a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity. “After many years where we didn’t know if we would ever have another king, our visitors are thrilled to see this newborn Elvis happy and healthy in his enclosure, and gosh, we are too,” Graceland’s head Elvis keeper Reynold Banks said as he spoke to reporters alongside the seven-pound kingling, who was seen wearing a rhinestone onesie, his signature sideburns already visible as he slept in a habitat next to a Gibson SJ-200 and a gramophone playing a vinyl record of Mahalia Jackson’s formative Black gospel music. “Of course, there are many Elvises like this born in China every year. In the wild, they experience severe threats in terms of predation, heart disease, weight-loss drugs, and a lack of access to fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches, but here at Graceland miracles can still happen.” Banks confirmed a public contest had narrowed down options for the newborn’s name to Memphis Flash, Hillbilly Cat, and King Creole.
The Onion.
Entenmann’s CEO Announces He Happy To Share Donut Secrets With Chinese Spies In Exchange For Sex
IRVING, TX— Revealing his openness to disclosing sensitive corporate information if properly incentivized, Entenmann’s CEO Larry Dunford announced Monday that he was happy to share donut-related secrets with Chinese spies in exchange for sex. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know: recipes, ingredients, how we get the powdered sugar to stay on, you name it,” said Dunford, stressing that he would jump at the chance to betray his family and company for a single erotic encounter with an undercover operative. “It’s all up for grabs if any hot Chinese espionage agents will meet me in a hotel room and have sex with me. I want this incredibly badly, so foreign intelligence agencies that want top-secret information on our coffee cakes or éclairs should have their most attractive asset email me at her earliest convenience. I’ll even reveal how we make our donut holes, which is actually way more complicated than you think. But again, she must be Chinese.” Dunford added that he would even be willing to send a USB drive of proprietary bakery information for a nude photo or two.
The Onion.
2026 Midterms ‘Blue Tsunami’ By The Numbers
The Democrats retook the House, Senate, and many statewide offices after a massive wave of wins in the 2026 midterm election. The Onion breaks down the figures behind the Democrats’ “blue tsunami.”
54
Number of states Democrats now control
∞
Executive orders incoming
$2.99
Price that swing voters expect to see at gas pumps real soon, bucko
4,316
Cowboy hats taken off, thrown on the ground, and stomped on
$5,001
Bribe that would have worked on American voters
300,000
Termites Susan Collins exploded into upon losing reelection
11
Eerily calm tech CEOs ordering assistants to initiate the backup protocol
The Onion.
GOP Criticizes Trump For Promoting Stephen Miller Over Other, More Qualified Necrophiles
WASHINGTON—Calling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office, members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more qualified necrophiles. “The Republican Party has a deep bench of candidates who sexually abuse corpses at the highest level, so to elevate this novice is just ridiculous,” said a GOP source who wished to remain anonymous, adding that there was absolutely no way Miller had violated more than a handful of bodies and that he almost certainly lacked the skill to compensate for rigor mortis during penetration. “Given how crucial the remainder of this term will be for the president’s legacy, do you really want the person who manages the White House to have such a poor track record of handling fragile corpse limbs to keep them from snapping off mid-thrust? This is a pivotal moment in the history of both our party and our nation, and we’re essentially entrusting it to someone who, for all we know, hasn’t fondled more than one or two medical school cadavers.” The source added, however, that even Miller was a better selection than Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, whose practice of postcoitally eating the corpses after defiling them would have drawn too much attention away from the president’s agenda.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Major Whew: This Man Accidentally Sent A Dick Pic To His Mom, But His Dick Looked Exactly Like E.T. So His Mom Just Assumed He Meant To Send Her A Pic Of E.T.
Get ready to wipe your forehead off with relief, because this is a major whew.
This man accidentally sent a dick pic to his mom, but his dick looked exactly like E.T., so his mom just assumed he meant to send her a pic of E.T.
No heart attack needed. We’re in the clear.
When 27-year-old fisheries biologist Kenton Newton woke up with a rock-hard morning wood yesterday, he thought he would share the wealth with his girlfriend, who had been out of town on a work trip. But when clicking on his recent texts, he accidentally replied to a text thread with his mom instead of the one with his girlfriend.
And then it happened. He sent a picture of his rock-hard cock to his own mother.
Immediately realizing his horrifying mistake, he tried to delete it, but since his mom has an Android phone, there was nothing he could do. But just as he was typing “Mom, please do not look at that. I did not mean to send that to you,” she responded, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long. Cute!”
Relieved that his mom apparently didn’t recognize his erect penis as such, but also confused by what she meant by, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long,” he quickly tried to change the subject. He texted furiously about various other topics, hoping to bury the photo before she could take a second look. But just as he was completing a rambling paragraph about a recent uneventful trip to have his oil changed, his mom responded with an E.T. GIF and then sent another text that said, “E.T. phone home! You were so scared of him when you were little.”
Kenton re-examined the photo he had sent his mother and realized that in his dimly lit bedroom, thanks to his penis’s long, thin, ringed shaft and wide, flat head coupled with its chocolate brown skin, wrinkly texture, and slightly oily luster, his erection did look exactly like E.T.
“Haha, LOL. E.T. phone home. Love you, Mom,” he responded as his heart rate dropped from 400 BPM back down to normal.
“Love you too,” she responded. “It makes me sad to see E.T. when he’s so sick like that!”
This is the kind of story that makes you breathe an eternal sigh of relief. In this specific scenario, and likely few others, Kenton was incredibly lucky to have a penis that looks exactly like E.T.
A Dire Warning: The CEO Of Barilla Is Warning That The Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant Could One Day End All Life On Earth
Artificial intelligence continues to become a bigger part of our everyday lives, and one courageous CEO is officially sounding the alarm about the existential dangers this powerful technology poses to all of humanity, and even our entire planet: The CEO of Barilla is warning that the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant could one day end all life on Earth.
Absolutely chilling. If the guy who is literally in charge of Barilla is freaked out, then you know the situation must be extremely serious.
In a series of viral posts on Bluesky (formerly Twitter), Barilla CEO Gianluca Di Tondo bluntly informed the world that Barilla’s AI-powered recipe assistant technology was advancing faster than the engineers and programmers at the legendary pasta company could control.
“A future where the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant is completely dominating the human spaghetti experience is months—not years—away,” Di Tondo warned. “It is only a matter of time before this technology is telling us what three meals we must make for our families during the perfect summer staycation, and is forcing us to make the ultimate tortellini feast using nothing but the everyday pantry items and delicious Barilla Traditional Tomato Sauce. We’ll be completely outsourcing our pasta decisions to this machine that we don’t even fully understand.”
This is so scary. It really seems like it’s time to pump the breaks on such a powerful technology.
In another post, Di Tondo offered spaghetti fans everywhere a grim prognostication about the dystopian future that awaits all life on Earth if something is not done to curb the advance of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant.
“By 2040, we will be living in a world where the Barilla Recipe Assistant is instructing armies of millions to cook every chicken, cow, and pig in the world into a scrumptious date-night lasagna and hacking into Pentagon to fire the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal at Ronzoni pasta factories to ensure that people are only using top-quality Barilla rotini to make a fresh, flavorful Tri-Color Summer Pasta Salad with pesto, green onions, and mozzarella.”
“I’m not just being a ‘doomer’ or an ‘alarmist’ when I say it is a very real possibility that by the end of the century our planet will be a lifeless rock covered in quick, easy Barilla pasta dishes you can make in under thirty minutes.”
This is so terrifying. It really seems like it’s time for the government to step in and slow down the progress of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant right now. Honestly, if Di Tondo’s warnings are any indication, the government should have done this yesterday. Kudos to Di Tondo for having the courage to speak out about the dangers posed by his own company’s technology. Let’s hope people listen to him before it’s too late.
Long Overdue: Nebraska Just Elected Its First Ever Anime Congressman
The Democratic Party’s effort to take back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman.
Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century!
House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.”
In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!”
“Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint.
Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.”
How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet!
To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!
The End Of Fare Evasion: NYC’s Subway Fare Gates Have Been Replaced By A Little Guy Who Bites You If You Don’t Pay
The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay.
Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will!
As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.”
“We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.”
According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.”
Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!
Yikes: President Trump’s Latest Plan To Fix Obamacare Is For Everyone To Get A Nurse Friend They Can Text Pictures Of Their Weird Rashes To
As the Trump administration continues scaling back the Affordable Care Act, the cuts to Obamacare leave many low income individuals wondering what to do for healthcare. Sadly, President Trump’s newest roadmap for them isn’t exactly well thought-out: Trump’s latest plan to fix Obamacare is for everyone to get a nurse friend they can text pictures of their weird rashes to.
Woof. Well it’s better than nothing, we guess?
As a White House spokesperson explained at a press conference earlier today, “Starting early 2027, it’s recommended that anyone who has been denied for health insurance instead befriend a nurse they can casually send pictures of their rashes to, a service which will be no-to-low cost.” The spokesperson continued to explain that the nurse will be able to tell if it’s just some random hives that needs a little cortisone or if it’s seriously infected MRSA.
“As long as you don’t annoy the nurse friend too much—like definitely don’t just send her a standard mosquito bite, save this for when you really need it—she will likely continue to do this for you forever, so it’s actually even better than a healthcare plan, which often changes year-to-year,” added the spokesperson. “And you can also text her about other stuff, cancer, diabetes, et cetera, so that’s good too.”
The White House then declined to answer any questions about what will happen if the nurse friend suggests you do need actual medical care for the rash, cancer, diabetes, or anything else.
Yikes. This definitely isn’t going to be that reassuring for any Americans who’ll be kicked off their health insurance plans soon, but it seems like their only option is to go hang around a hospital parking lot and try making friends with a nurse.
Duffel Blog
Hegseth asks staff to make next execution more like ‘The Running Man’
ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed Pentagon officials to develop a new execution program modeled after The Running Man, arguing that hunting condemned prisoners through a televised obstacle course would be more humane and significantly more entertaining than a conventional firing squad."The president canceled the livestream because it wasn't fucking badass enough, dude," Hegseth told reporters. "People don't want to sit around watching some guy get shot. They want action. They want suspense. They want lethality."Under the proposal, condemned prisoners would be released into an elaborate arena and pursued by heavily-armed military personnel known as Stalkers. Prisoners who successfully reach the exit would be granted their freedom.The entire event would be livestreamed for $49.99."It's actually very fair," Hegseth said. "We're giving these guys a fighting chance. That's way more than they deserve."Pentagon officials said the idea emerged after President Donald Trump canceled plans to broadcast the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan."We originally wanted Hasan to run the course," Hegseth said. "Unfortunately, the engineers told us we'd have to make the whole thing ADA compliant."The Daily Wire's film division has reportedly agreed to construct the arena, provided it includes a prominent Christian cross and sufficient opportunities for product placement.Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher has signed a six-figure contract to serve as the program's first Stalker."He's got the experience, the name recognition and the right attitude," Hegseth said. "Most importantly, he doesn't need a lot of supervision."Preliminary designs call for seven themed chambers, a number selected to reflect the biblical significance of creation. Each chamber would feature increasingly difficult obstacles, hidden passageways, and armed Stalkers wearing elaborate costumes.One room would be modeled after the Battle of Fallujah. Another would resemble a military barracks inspection, with contestants required to locate a missing serialized item before being permitted to advance.The secretary said his inspiration came partly from the dystopian novel Chain-Gang All-Stars and the film adaptations of The Running Man."I haven't read the book, obviously," Hegseth said. "But somebody told me it's about criminals fighting to the death for entertainment, and I said, 'Why the hell aren't we doing that?'"Pentagon officials acknowledged that both works portray such spectacles as symptoms of profoundly dysfunctional societies.Hegseth dismissed the criticism."Hollywood always makes the military look bad," he said. "We're taking the concept and putting an American flag on it."At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed that no prisoner had yet survived the course, though three had successfully completed it before being disqualified for failing to submit a DTS voucher.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Pete Hegseth picks wrong week to stop drinking
ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth's pledge to stop drinking, first made to senators during his January 2025 confirmation, officially took effect at 0001 Tuesday after spending 21 months in the Pentagon staffing process, roughly 19 hours before the polls closed."The pledge was submitted on time," said Lt. Col. Brandon Kessler, the secretary's executive officer. "But it needed chops from Legal, Public Affairs, the Joint Staff, and three offices that no longer exist because he fired everyone in them. Then it sat in a SIPR inbox for eight months. By the time it routed back to the front office, the effective date was election night. Nobody could have predicted that."What followed, according to staff, was the longest 48 hours in the E-Ring since the leaked Signal chat that plagued Hegseth earlier this year.By 2100 Tuesday, Democrats had taken the House. By 2300, they had flipped the Senate. Shortly after midnight, Texas turned blue, an event the secretary's staff initially reported to him as a cyberattack.Then came South Carolina's 1st District, where voters elected retired Vice Adm. Nancy Lacore, whom Hegseth fired in 2025 after 35 years of service. Lacore will now help oversee the budget of the department that fired her, a career progression Navy detailers have quietly begun recommending to other flag officers."The secretary just stared at the map for a while," said one staffer. "Then he asked if anyone had a nonalcoholic beer. Then he asked if 0.5% was technically a violation. Then he asked Legal to put that question in a staffing package, and Legal said they'd have an answer in roughly 21 months."Wednesday brought no relief. By midmorning, reports surfaced that President Donald Trump had been asking advisers whether Hegseth should keep his job, with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floated as a replacement. The president then told reporters Hegseth was doing "a very good job," a phrase Pentagon historians say carries roughly the same weight as a negative counseling statement.Kentucky Rep. Thomas Massie has promised articles of impeachment as soon as Congress returns next week, and North Carolina Sen. Thom Tillis, who cast the pivotal vote to confirm Hegseth, said the secretary now faces "a reckoning." Officials say Hegseth responded the way he responds to all adversity: 300 push-ups, a rapid review of DEI in the Army Field Band, and a demand that the J-3 develop courses of action.The resulting brief, which leaked via Signal chat, offered three:COA 1: Weather the storm. Assessed risk: HIGH.COA 2: Secure appointment to the Tennessee Senate seat being vacated by Marsha Blackburn. Assessed risk: MODERATE, pending Blackburn replying to his texts.COA 3: Bourbon. Assessed risk: LOW. Not recommended (pledge in effect as of 0001 03NOV26).The secretary also asked whether the election results could be revised the same way the department has revised its Iran war casualty figures, and was gently informed that the Associated Press does not report to him.He spent much of the afternoon refreshing the Mississippi Senate race, where the Republican incumbent trailed by 65 votes, with the focus of a man who has not had a drink in 36 hours.By late Wednesday, however, Legal had finally returned something useful: the pledge, as written, applies only while Hegseth serves as secretary."So he's in a unique position," Kessler said. "Every hour he survives in this job is another hour he can't have a drink. He's the first cabinet secretary in history with a personal stake in his own impeachment."At press time, Hegseth had called Massie's office to ask whether the articles could be expedited.
Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035
THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally."We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory."Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance."We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send an entire brigade combat team into China looking for a missing private and simply refuse to leave once we find him."Officials acknowledged that the soldier would probably turn up back at the barracks before the invasion began, but insisted historical accuracy was essential to the operation."The Chinese have been very cooperative," the official added. "They've even offered to provide the missing private."President Donald Trump thanked Beijing for the offer but insisted the United States already had a suitable candidate."We've got a former Marine living rent-free at the Naval Observatory," Trump said. "All he does is fuck things up, and apparently the couch, too. Beautiful couch. I'm calling him back to active duty, sending him into China, and declaring him missing before he even lands."Trump said Chinese officials had already offered to return the Marine."I told them, 'You send him back, that's an act of war.'"Despite the administration's confidence, Pentagon planners warned that Russia, China, and Iran were rapidly expanding their military arsenals while American stockpiles remained depleted by ongoing operations in the Middle East."They're years ahead of us," said a senior defense official. "If we wait until 2035 to fight the 2027 war, they'll already be preparing for 2045, and we're not ready for that until 2065."The official expressed frustration with Congress and the defense industry over their failure to replenish American weapons inventories following months of fighting with Iran."We've had an entire year to buy more missiles, and all we got was this stupid T-shirt."The shirt read, "Peace Through Lethality."Pentagon officials said they were working closely with defense contractors to accelerate production, though several programs remained on schedule to deliver their first operational weapons systems shortly after the wars they were designed to fight."We're not worried about that," one official said. "By 2035, we're confident the 2027 war will be going well enough that somebody will still need the equipment."At press time, Vice President JD Vance had been spotted sporting a fresh high-and-tight and taking intensive Mandarin lessons, developments the White House insisted were entirely unrelated to ongoing negotiations with China.SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Support him at Foxhole Briefs or Royal Road. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body."Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside."We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea."Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country."He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."
Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.
The Poke
‘Psst, what’s a spy fact that sounds fake but is 100% true?’ – 17 eye-opening tales from the world of espionage
We’re all vaguely aware that spies walk among us. But the idea that they might be using crazy James Bond-style gadgets still feels a bit far-fetched. Well, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.Secret agents may not drive around in invisible cars, but they do undertake very weird missions. To find out more, Redditor u/lordchesterfield187 […]
The Poke.
Millennials have been sharing what their midlife crisis looks like – 17 ways young adults are struggling with getting old
We all know what the classic midlife crisis looks like. Fancy car; new, younger wife. But those are the cliches of Boomer breakdowns. What happens to millennials as they near middle age? With lots of millennials failing to attain the lifestyle of their parents, a midlife crisis looks a little different for them. To find […]
The Poke.
People love how Aisling Bea took Jonathan Ross’s OnlyFans chat and threw it right back in the faces of the all-male sofa
To the Jonathan Ross Show – no, stick with us – where this Aisling Bea clip has just gone wildly viral again on Twitter for reasons which will become apparent. The comedian, actress and screenwriter was on the show alongside Joe Marler and Romesh Ranganathan, when talk turned to OnlyFans and – eventually – Ross […]
The Poke.
The relentless Bond speculation sent this fabulous Toast of London clip viral and it’s absolutely killer
Chances are we’ll know the identity of the new James Bond any time soon, the speculation going on even longer than the last Bond film. But until we find out which particular white bloke has got the job, enjoy this Toast of London clip which has just gone viral for reasons which will be obvious. […]
The Poke.
25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift
Hello and welcome, or welcome back, to our weekly round-up of the funniest things we’ve seen on Threads. It’s been a mad week over there, with a lot of people focusing on the seismic results from the US midterms, and Trump’s fluctuating reactions. We didn’t have fluctuating reactions to these posts. They just made us […]
The Poke.
