WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month,” said Patel, who acknowledged drenching a group of rifle-toting masked individuals in champagne but insisted he was already on government business deep within the Sonoran Desert and thus had not misused the FBI’s private jet. “Instead of focusing on me throwing a shaka sign while I posed with the gun that was used to force Nancy Guthrie from her home, maybe focus on the hard work of these dedicated men who have evaded capture for weeks. If I’m sorry for anything, it’s for drawing attention away from what these guys have accomplished.” Patel went on to say he hoped he’d get the chance to celebrate with Guthrie’s captors again if she was still being held hostage four years from now.

The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors appeared first on The Onion.

The British royal family is under pressure to remove Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from its line of succession. The Onion sat down with the former prince to discuss his arrest and connection to Jeffrey Epstein.

The Onion : Any reaction to the accusations against you?

Mountbatten-Windsor: On advice of counsel, I can only state that my name is Andrew, and I am a multicellular life form.

What’s been the hardest part of losing your royal status?

They used to do a big Cava order for everyone on Thursdays. Always thought that was a nice perk.

How would you respond to people who accuse you of being part of a corrupt, predatory cabal of elites?

I didn’t choose to be born into the royal family.

Do you have anything to say to the victims?

Sorry, but you guys aren’t my type anymore.

What would you say to Jeffrey Epstein if he were alive today?

Help.

Without the support of the royal family, how will you make money?

I’ll probably have to get a normal job like parade watcher or big game hunter.

What’s next for you?

I simply intend to lie low, take each day as it comes, and die under suspicious circumstances.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Former Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion.

CHANDLER, AZ—Noting that he had shown a lot of vulnerability by communicating his true feelings so explicitly, sources confirmed Thursday that an ex’s death threat proved how much he really cares. “When you two were together you often felt that he didn’t put in any effort, so it’s not really fair to turn around and complain about it now,” said those close to the situation, adding that the ex had thoughtfully created an alarming handwritten note with very personalized threats to kill and dismember. “He’s been driving by the house at least once a day, which is pretty romantic when you ignore that dead look in his eyes. Plus, it was really sweet of him to turn up when your cat died, although it was kind of weird that he knew about that without you telling him.” At press time, sources confirmed the ex was walking toward the car with a huge wrench, which was convenient because the vehicle randomly had four flat tires.

The post Death Threat Proves How Much Ex Really Cares appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA—Admitting that her medical knowledge was “very limited” before landing the role of nurse Dana Evans, actress Katherine LaNasa told reporters Thursday that she had never heard of blood before The Pitt. “At first I wasn’t even pronouncing it right,” said the 59-year-old Emmy winner and HBO star, who credited the series’ “genius” team of medical consultants for getting her and the rest of the cast up to speed. “Thank God we have these real-life doctors on set. Nurse Dana may be a pro, but when I learned we have red liquid inside of us, I was like, ‘huh?’ I had to do a lot of research.” LaNasa went on to admit that even with a medical expert’s detailed explanation, she still didn’t really understand blood at all. 

The post Katherine LaNasa Admits She Had Never Heard Of Blood Before ‘The Pitt’ appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM—Putting to rest a debate that had stirred in the art world for decades, newly uncovered letters from Georgia O’Keeffe made public this week confirmed long-running speculation that the painter’s iconic flower works were in fact veiled depictions of basset hounds.

“I want to tell you about the paintings—those flowers, Alfred—and all of the hearsay over what they supposedly represent, when the truth could not be more plain: They are basset hound dogs,” O’Keeffe wrote in a 1941 letter to her husband, photographer Alfred Stieglitz, revealing that she had purposely incorporated “a long basset face and deep mouth” into each bloom she rendered and did not try to be subtle about it. “Look straightaway and you can’t miss it—the way the color pools like sleepy eyes, the way the petals fold over themselves like those unbelievable dog ears, those sorrowful curtains, all dragging and layered.”

“There is canine in every brushstroke,” O’Keeffe continued. “That is the intention, not an interpretation. The only reason I don’t state this outright is because, well, that’s the whole trick. That is the power. To place a hound where they expect a flower and watch them make theories about the curves of the petals, loudly proclaiming, ‘Here is the melancholy of the modern prairie,’ and then, in a whisper, ‘Or is it the drooping jowls of a mutt?’ But they’re kennel portraits, Alfred, and they always have been. Hold this secret, dear, just as I hold you.”

Other letters from the same period reportedly contain revelations that O’Keeffe’s landmark paintings of animal skulls were all meant to represent vulvae.

The post Uncovered Georgia O’Keeffe Letters Confirm Paintings Were Veiled Depictions Of Basset Hounds appeared first on The Onion.

SHOREVIEW, MN — In the latest in a long line of cruel, heartless atrocities it has committed, the Trump administration has just stripped federal funding from a gas station daycare center with 20,000 students.

GENEVA — Amid ongoing negotiations over Tehran's nuclear program, Iran's Supreme Leader unequivocally informed the United States that they would rain death and destruction down upon them if they were bombed two more times. Maybe three.

U.S. — Shockwaves were felt among the conservative influencer sphere this week, as one bold, right-wing truth-teller very carefully chose his words so as not to speak truths that could potentially anger his own audience.

Catholics (and, to a lesser extent, Orthodox) like to sneer at Protestants, but being a Protestant comes with some amazing perks. For example, did you know you're basically your own pope? You can issue papal bulls about what to watch on TV or where to order food. It's great.

CHAPPAQUA, NY — A lifelong politician whose name appeared on the Epstein list was questioned today by other politicians whose names were on the Epstein list, sources confirmed.

Wow! This is sibling rivalry at its finest.

As if it wasn’t enough that immigrants come to this country ILLEGALLY or in some disturbing cases LEGALLY looking to drink our water, marry our cousins, and crowd our self check-outs, there’s something amiss that would make any red-blooded patriot’s blood BOIL: This immigrant working forced labor in an ICE detention center is robbing a US-born convict of his 13-cent-an-hour job.

What?! How does something like this happen in AMERICA??

When 37-year-old Honduran immigrant José Rivera Gomez was detained by ICE and forced into a crowded makeshift detention center at an undisclosed location in Florida, the first thing he did was the thing all immigrants do best: He immediately took an extremely low-paying job away from an American citizen by working at his prison’s park bench factory. By working 12 hours a day for 13 cents an hour in inhospitable, unsafe conditions, he’s robbing a hardworking AMERICAN convict of much needed funds he could use to purchase $12 toothpaste and $15 chocolate bars at commissary. 

If you’ve ever wondered why the prison economy of gangs such as the Aryan Brotherhood is collapsing, look no further than immigrants like José taking away dozens of dollars a month from RED-BLOODED, AMERICAN convicts who not only were actually BORN in this country, but actually stepped up and committed actual CRIMES to be incarcerated and coerced into forced labor, not just “overstayed their work visas.”

Yep. This is DISGUSTING with a capital D!

Hopefully José will accidentally hack off his hands while polishing a park bench using unsafe equipment soon so his STOLEN job and PALTRY WAGES can be given to a REAL American who needs money for a razor or a bar of soap. Until then, SHAME on this country for letting this happen.

Forget everything you knew about the restaurant experience, because the game has officially changed: This cafe modeled their payment system after healthcare billing so chefs, waiters, and dishwashers can invoice you separately for completely random amounts weeks to months later.

Whoa…how has no one ever thought to do this before? Going out to eat will never be the same!

Lucy’s Luncheonette isn’t just a beloved staple of downtown Fayetteville, NC: it’s the future of how restaurants bill customers. At Lucy’s, instead of flagging down a waiter to settle your bill before leaving, you’ll receive separate invoices from every employee who took part in your meal experience—including but not limited to chefs, waiters, busboys, dishwashers, and hostesses. These invoices will come in the mail at some unspecified point in the following six months, or possibly later, requesting arbitrary amounts of money that were not disclosed up-front for services itemized either as vaguely named items like “Misc. Carbohydrate,” or numeric codes with no description. 

If you ordered a sandwich and coffee at any other cafe, you’d settle the entire bill with a server before leaving, and never think about it again. At Lucy’s, you’ll receive that server’s invoice in the mail three weeks later, with a line item for refilling your water listed as “Oral Hydration Replenishment Procedure – $32.09”, among a dozen other charges. Cut to four months later, and you’ll receive another invoice from the line cook for services including cooking chicken (“Protein Thermal Processing Treatment – $6.22”) and chopping lettuce (“Vegetative Component Structural Reduction – $3.34), and so on and so forth, until the restaurant’s wait and kitchen staff have all individually charged you for every distinct action they undertook during your dining experience, from clearing your table to giving you a new napkin, that they can legally bill for.

Lucy’s unique payment system is the brainchild of its owner, William Dumas, who left a career in medical claims processing to open the cafe, inspired by what he saw working in the U.S. healthcare system.

“Knowing generally what the service is going to cost ahead of time, and paying one straightforward bill on the spot instead of numerous invoices sent sporadically over time—that wouldn’t fly in healthcare like it does in the restaurant business,” explained Dumas, who had the idea for his luncheonette’s pay model after sending a cancer patient’s unpaid bill to collections, and imagining a busboy being able to do the same to a restaurant customer. 

“I thought, ‘what if you took the drawn out, over-complicated process of medical billing, and applied it to going out for a meal?’ It’s been a very validating experience, watching our customers find themselves in credit score-tanking restaurant debt after failing to pay a thousand dollar invoice that a hostess sent them for reasons that hours and hours on the phone with our management do not help clarify whatsoever.”

Needless to say, the dining experience is about to be revolutionized in a huge, huge way.

Don’t be surprised if the entire food industry adopts this cafe’s healthcare-inspired pay model soon, from fine dining establishments to coffee shops. Props to Lucy’s Luncheonette for daring to think outside the box!

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — America’s technological leapfrog into drone dominance stalled this week after the cyan ink in the OEM-compatible tank of an Epson Workforce NCC-1701-D ran low, sources confirmed today.

All efforts to build and deploy small, lethal drones for America’s battlefield advantage have been placed on hold until Darrell, a GS-12 IT specialist currently on leave, returns to work and determines why fault code 093-401 is appearing at every launch, despite the cartridge being brand freaking new.

Maj. Trent “Independence” Bunker, a recent graduate of the Air Force’s Artificial Intelligence Top Gun program, insisted nothing in the XQ-58 system should even interface with a printer.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is a product of one.

The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “elite universities” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.”

“If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse cable news monologues with strategy.”

“He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to Phoenix Online or a CrossFit Level II certification.”

The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, diplomacy, or reading.

“We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.”

Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism.

“We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when our alumni destabilize regions, they can articulate why.”

She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’”

When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership.

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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MY performance in One Battle After Another – the hit black comedy that had you holding in a piss for three hours – won me a BAFTA for Best Supporting Actor. But I’m also supporting vulnerable bridge jumpers in California.

Yes, when I’m not being a serious actor, activist and chain smoker, I like to talk down bridge jumpers. It’s one of my many side hustles, along with dating a 30-year-old and getting involved with complex international affairs.

It all started in the 90s when I bumped into two bridge jumpers in under a week while shooting in LA. I immediately decided that a rugged, compelling storyteller like myself had to step in. My lack of formal training didn’t hold me back; just like acting, crisis negotiation is all about confidence, repetition, and access to make-up and catering.

At first I found it hard to gain access to an unfolding crisis. But when I threw my voice loudly enough to say that I’d won an Oscar and was married to Madonna, those police cordons lifted right up. Soon I was getting high fives from all the officers after stopping someone from splattering themselves all over the I-10 to San Bernardino.

Admittedly, the first guy jumped before I could introduce myself, give him my headshot, and quote some of my best lines from Carlito’s Way. But I managed to drag the second guy to safety in a headlock. The mayor gave me a medal for that one. Or was it a cease and desist? I can never remember.

I quickly got a taste for saving someone’s life, even though I did seriously injure him in the process. I went out and got police scanner radios installed in every room of my sprawling Malibu home, ignoring mere robberies and vicious, life-changing assaults and keeping an ear out purely for any potential new jumpers.

Over the years, I’ve visited almost a dozen active scenes and got face time with nine jumpers, saving six. Which is a pretty good ratio if you think about it. But not for too long. My approach is simple: I tell them life can’t be that bad – I was in The Angry Birds Movie and I got over it, moved on and learned to believe in myself again.

I’ll continue my fine work as long as the state of California lets me. Or until the multi-million dollar civil lawsuit from the families of the deceased hits court. Whichever’s first. Now if you’ll excuse me, it sounds like someone just pulled over their pickup truck in the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge. Penn away!

A WOMAN preparing for a night out has entered the third day of applying and redoing her winged eyeliner.

Lauren Hewitt began applying makeup to her eyelids three days ago, and has remained in an endless loop of carefully drawing on her eyeliner, wiping it away and trying again ever since.

She said: “I know from experience that putting on eyeliner can take a while, so I gave myself plenty of time. Unfortunately I’ve overrun by 71 hours.

“In theory it shouldn’t take too long. Once I’ve mapped out the wings with a couple of flicks, it’s simply a case of joining them together. As you can see from where I’ve punched the wall out of frustration though, the reality is more complicated.

“To get that perfect cat-eye look, you need the steady hands of a heart surgeon. But by day two I was getting cramp and losing my grip on the brush. Sure, I could ask my housemate to draw them on in seconds, but that would be admitting defeat.

“It’ll be worth the effort though once I’ve evened them out. We’re going to a dingy underground bar where nobody will be able to notice my eyeliner anyway. Can’t wait.”

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Shit, sounds like Lauren’s nearly ready. I’m still plucking my eyebrows, but if I hurry I’ll only be fashionably late by 48 hours.”

A WOMAN who really believes her boyfriend is faithful just wants to innocently scour all of his communications, she has confirmed.

Hannah Tomlinson insists she does not suspect her boyfriend James Bates of cheating but wants to comprehensively go through his entire archive of texts, WhatsApp messages and emails going back to 2018 for fun.

She said: “I think it would be a wholesome bonding experience that will bring us even closer together. I’m surprised James has even the slightest misgivings about the idea. The innocent have nothing to hide.

“What could be more enjoyable than letting me read all of the silly messages he sends to his mates? I bet there are some hilarious memes they’ve exchanged I could get a giggle out of. Maybe he’s embarrassed that I’ll find all of the cute, loving things he’s said about me.

“I’m not naive. I know he has some women in his contacts, like his mum and his sister. But I’m not the jealous type, I just want to know who they all are, how they know each other, and see every word they’ve said to each other out of curiosity.

“And once we’ve done that we can trawl his social media DMs and his camera roll. Including the hidden folders. And then I can check them again on a weekly basis forever or until I dump him.”

Bates said: “I’d love to but my phone just did a big update that wiped all of its memory. Unlucky.”

TODAY’S by-election in Gorton and Denton is to change British politics forever if Reform or the Greens win, but if Labour win does not matter.

The election of an MP you have not heard of in a place you have not heard of will change the country irrevocably, shattering the two-party consensus and rewriting the political rulebook, unless Labour hold the seat in which case it will be the next one.

Journalist Martin Bishop said: “A Reform win? The first wave of a turquoise tsunami. It means all Britain wants a total reversal of all post-1962 immigration, relaxed gun laws, corporation tax abolished and mandatory lunchtime drinking for men.

“A Green win? The first drop of an emerald rainstorm. It means all Britain wants uncontrolled immigration, a 150 per cent tax rate for billionaires, total legalisation of all classes of substance, the closing of the National Grid and mandatory beards for men.

“A Labour win? Starmer’s resignation is put off until May, pending further developments in the Mandelson case.

“A Conservative win? Have you lost your f**king senses?”

Gorton voter Steven Malley said: “Stopping fly-tipping is my big issue. So I thought I’d vote Green because they’re environmental, but then Paul down the pub says it’s immigrants doing it.”

Dr Oz used to play TV doctor with Oprah and now plays the Administrator of the Centres for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) with the White House. And the reviews aren’t great for either role. Oz’s latest flub comes courtesy of his role in cracking down on “health care fraud.” His solution: take away the […]

The post The White House just froze a whole bunch of medical care and it’s a proper jaw dropper – 15 totally on-point responses appeared first on The Poke.

Everybody believes in at least one conspiracy theory. UFOs, chemtrails, Princess Diana – you name it, the CIA/M15 Deep State Freemason Illuminati is out there, doing it to us, hiding in plain sight. Unfortunately, many of the people who believe the really life-changing conspiracies involving things like vaccines and climate change now hold crucial roles […]

The post 21 of the funniest and most eye-opening ‘Low Stakes Conspiracies’ on Reddit appeared first on The Poke.

It’s always dangerous when the White House lets JD Vance off the leash, emerging from the dark like a toddler who’s just had way too many Haribos. At his latest public apppearance, the Vice President was speaking to negotiations between the US and Iran when he brought up nuclear weapons, and it’s fair to say […]

The post JD Vance explained why the US is threatening Iran and it was an eye-opening case of deja vu all over again appeared first on The Poke.

Over on Twitter @Evadivalore put a request out for people’s favourite funny celebrity moments. Post the funniest celebrity moment you’ve seen — ` (@Evadivalore) November 15, 2025 And the clips came pouring in … That time 50 Cent performed with Jim Carrey and couldn’t hold in his laughter pic.twitter.com/UDl6scJwPp — Comr. Efemena (@ComrEfemena) December 2, […]

The post Someone asked for people’s ‘funniest celebrity moments’ and this fabulous Robbie Williams’ heist beat all-comers appeared first on The Poke.

Children. They’re cute, lovable and have absolutely no filter. So when a kid tells you something that stops you dead in your tracks, you’d better be listening because they mean it, in the nicest way possible. So when user Content-Hair-2629 rocked up on Ask Reddit and posed the question: What’s the most unsettling thing a […]

The post ‘What’s the most unsettling thing a child has ever said to you?’ – 19 uncomfortable truths out of the mouths of babes appeared first on The Poke.