WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to “just go with their gut.” “You’ve done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts when landing without visibility,” said FAA administrator Bryan Bedford, assuring concerned pilots that there were no wrong answers when it came to flying an airplane and that the worst thing they could do was overthink it. “Look, you’ve probably got a good feel for which runways are open by now, and if you see another plane headed your way, just do what feels natural—go up, turn sideways. You’d know better than us. Planes have computers now, so you can probably let the computers do a lot of stuff for you. Just close your eyes and hope for the best.” The FAA assured pilots not to worry, suggesting that the “sky is pretty huge” and that they would probably be okay.

The post Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut appeared first on The Onion.

CORVALLIS, OR—As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. “I’ve been procrastinating on these for months because I just don’t want to deal with them, and now I’ve got a huge stack,” said Fincher, who explained that it was always easier to convince himself that mowing the lawn or cleaning the kitchen was more pressing, and that he could wait until the next day to withdraw 10 grand in cash from the bank. “Look at these. One for my son, one for my assistant at work, another for my mom. You just can’t get ahead in this economy. You pay to get your daughter back, and then two weeks later you get yet another picture of your wife locked up in someone’s basement. I keep saying I’ll get around to getting everyone back, but some of these notes are six months old or more, and I’m honestly just embarrassed. Some are addressed to the previous resident, too, even though I’ve written back to explain they haven’t lived here in years.” “What’s crazy is that I know I’ll feel better the second I don’t have Cara’s fate hanging over my head, and yet I still let it go month after month,” he continued. “I can’t even check the mailbox anymore, because it’s getting too depressing. It’s also starting to stink, and I’m worried there could be a severed finger or something in one of those packages.” Fincher admitted that while all the random notes were overwhelming, it might make things less stressful if he at least paid to get his dog back. 

The post Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming movie would pick up right where the first branded tumbler left off. “Wicked part two is a seamless continuation of the original Target-exclusive stainless steel tumbler with detachable straw,” said the filmmaker, emphasizing that anyone who loved the first $34.99 green-and-pink beverage container would be equally blown away by the second one. “Anyone is welcome to jump right into For Good, but I’d definitely recommend familiarizing yourself with last year’s insulated cup since there will be some important callbacks. We’ll wrap up storylines and go further than we ever could have in just one 40-oz lidded vessel.” At press time, Chu added that the film would also contain Easter eggs for fans of the 1939 Tin Man lunch box.

The post ‘Wicked’ Director Reveals Sequel Will Pick Up Right Where First Branded Tumbler Left Off appeared first on The Onion.

CRAWFORD, TX—Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, “Shut up, Mother! Shut up!” at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. “I’m not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly criticize me?” said the trembling 43rd president of the United States, accusing Cheney’s remains of cruelly mocking his paintings as “girlish” and “unbecoming of a boy his age.” “Don’t look at me that way, Mother! You always look at me that way! Go ahead and laugh, laugh that shrill old laugh of yours, but I can make my own decisions now because you don’t control me! Fine Mother, bring up bin Laden, just like you always do. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make me feel small, but I’m grown now. I’m a man, Mother, a man ! Hush now, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, Mother, honest. Let Georgie come and give you a kiss.” At press time, the former president was reportedly guiding Laura Bush toward the attic while murmuring, “Mother’s finally ready to meet you.”

The post ‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit appeared first on The Onion.

More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program’s new work requirements, which go into effect after next year’s midterm elections.

MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work. 

FACT: Whatever.

MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot. 

FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth is actually only 35 hours of work on Saturn.

MYTH: Disabled veterans are exempt. 

FACT: Attempting to navigate the VA system counts as a full-time job.

MYTH: The burden of reporting work hours will cause mass confusion and delays in coverage. 

FACT: Diabetics are well-versed at rationing out their insulin at this point.

MYTH: “Able-bodied” is a vague term that ignores the complexities of many illnesses. 

FACT: “Able-bodied” is a massive improvement from the term they wanted to use.

MYTH: The free market will correct for reduced Medicaid spending. 

FACT: The Grim Reaper will correct for reduced Medicaid spending.

MYTH: Work requirements are confusing to navigate and hard to verify. 

FACT: Your family lawyer should be able to take care of it without much fuss.

MYTH: Millions of people will lose benefits. 

FACT: That’s only Phase One.

MYTH: Pregnant women are exempt out of a special concern for their well-being. 

FACT: After birth, the vessel may be discarded.

MYTH: This will hurt countless innocent people. 

FACT: It’s broad enough it will probably get a couple real bastards, too.

The post Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK, NY — In a reversal of yesterday's announcement, Rockstar Games revealed that the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is, in fact, available now. Rockstar President and co-founder Sam Houser confirmed that the game was finally completed and ready for digital download immediately — unfortunately, the trumpet of God has sounded and everyone is now out of time.

PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year's top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom.

U.S. — According to sources, American liberals across the country were struggling to remember what they were so mad about last week.

Doing good works requires time, effort, and energy. Or does it? What if you could rack up some good works without even leaving your couch?

DENVER, CO — Sad reports indicated that a work email sent to a local man on Friday morning did not, in fact, find him well.

Hello, New Yorkers. Former mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo here. I want to offer my sincere congratulations to Zohran Mamdani on his victory. I wish Mayor Mamdani nothing but success as he serves the greatest city in the world. I’d also like to thank my supporters, who stood by me at every turn throughout my campaign. I may have lost this election, but my job is far, far from over. In fact, my real work has just begun: Mayor or not, I am going to grope the 40% of New Yorkers who voted for me.

Cuomo voters, when I grope you, you will know your ballot was not cast in vain. And I’m coming to grope you all right now.

That over 854,000 of you voted for me, ‘The Touchler,’ as I become known to those I grope, is an honor. I do not take your endorsement lightly. You looked at the facts, you heard about all the touching I did in Albany, and you believed I was the best candidate to run New York City. Though I will not have the privilege of being your mayor, please, please know this: The next time you feel a hand on your breasts, buttocks, or the very lowest part of your lower back, it will be my hand. And that is a promise. The Touchler’s Graze is nigh, Cuomo voters.

Let me be clear: The more inappropriately I touch, the more Cuomo I become. I made a promise to my voters that I intend to keep, mayor or not.

What is the lifeblood of New York City? It’s New Yorkers themselves. The people who call this city home. Specifically, their chests. And also their anuses. And lower backs. The diversity of lower backs in this city is truly second to none. Walk down one block in New York, and you will see lower backs of countless different ethnicities, classes, religions, and degrees of softness. You’d need a thousand years to inappropriately touch them all. One silver lining of losing to Mr. Mamdani is that I will have so much more free time to grope you, the people who make this city great. If you’re disappointed in this election’s results, know that I will be groping you just as forcibly as if I were New York’s next mayor.

I respect my supporters so much that I will not wash my hands after I grope them. Not even if I hold a subway pole on my way to grope the next nearest Cuomo voter. I want to feel everyone’s grope residue forever.

Words cannot express how much your support has meant to me, so I will simply grope you instead. I’m not going to let my campaign’s defeat stop me from spending the rest of my life touching specific body parts of New Yorkers like you. Nothing can stop that from happening. Ever. Thank you for your vote.

Get ready to break into a slight smile, because this is a story that’s going to make you say, “Okay, nice!” This woman in Grand Rapids, Michigan just found a husband in a little free library.

Yeah, okay, nice!

When 36-year-old Jennifer Jacobson went for a walk around her neighborhood last night, she paused as she passed a Little Free Library so she could check out its offerings. As she contemplated taking a worn-down copy of “Eat, Pray, Love,” a charming 5’8” man sitting between that and a copy of something called “Pregnancy: The Vegan Way” instead caught her eye.

As she pulled the man out of the library and flipped him around, noticing only a little wear and tear around the corners of his eyes, she realized that not only was he in pretty great condition, but totally cute. She slid him into her Baggu tote bag, and once she was home, she propped him up onto her sofa and started getting to know him. As it turns out, he’s single (no wedding ring), a Michigan fan (University of Michigan sweatshirt), and his name is Michael Hunter (his ID). After taking all these facts into consideration, Jennifer realized he was one of the best available guys she knew—certainly the best one she’d be likely to find on a neighborhood walk—and that she should totally go for it and become Mrs. Hunter!

So sweet! True love always finds a way!

From Hinge to Tinder to InterracialMatch, there are so many ways to meet Mr. Right. You never know when it can happen to you, and for lucky Jennifer, who is currently hard at work updating her wedding website on The Knot, it happened while she was looking for an exciting new read. This just goes to show the importance of literacy, as well as libraries! Congrats to the happy couple!

A major pop culture scandal is currently unfolding, and the time is coming when you and everyone you know is going to have to take sides: Tupac’s estate is suing Pepto-Bismol for a commercial where an AI-generated Tupac laments that the only thing he misses in death is Pepto-Bismol.

Yikes. It looks like a major lawsuit is looming, and it’s guaranteed to get ugly.

The controversy first erupted following an advertisement for Pepto-Bismol that began airing on major TV networks and across the internet earlier this week, in which a highly accurate computer-generated model of hip-hop legend Tupac Shakur sits in Heaven, surrounded by clouds and encircled by gorgeous angels playing harps and singing hymns of praise to their creator.

“Hello friends, I’m Tupac, and as you know, I recently died and went to Heaven several decades ago,” the AI-generated image of Tupac says. “It happened a long time ago recently. And ever since I died, I’ve been writing some pretty good songs with some of my angel friends and performing them for God, but I am still sad. You see, there have been many things on Earth that I’m no longer able to enjoy, such as roller coasters, sex, and AM talk radio, but the only thing that truly torments me in the afterlife is the absence of Pepto-Bismol. Pepto-Bismol isn’t just an amazing medicine that cures diseases like stomach aches and ALS, it also tastes great. I miss the taste of Pepto-Bismol so much, and ever since I died the fact that I can’t drink Pepto-Bismol has made me miserable, even in Paradise.”

After Tupac says this, an AI-generated angel approaching Tupac and saying, “Hi Tupac, would it help if I let you bask in my eternal love?” to which Tupac replies, “No.”

The commercial ends with a voiceover saying, “For fast-acting relief from nausea, diarrhea, ALS, or heartburn, make it a Pepto-Bismol: The only thing Tupac Shakur misses about being alive.”

The enraged response from Tupac’s estate was swift and severe. The estate is suing Procter & Gamble, which manufactures Pepto-Bismol, for defamation and for using an unauthorized likeness of Tupac to promote their product. It also issued the following statement in a press release mere hours after the commercial aired:

“While Tupac did love Pepto-Bismol when he was alive and doubtlessly misses the incredible taste and soothing stomach relief of this powerful medication, it is grossly inaccurate and maliciously libelous to imply that Pepto-Bismol is the only thing that Tupac Shakur misses about the realm of the living. He probably misses many things, including skiing, candy, and Super Mario.”

The Tupac estate also said that it contests the commercial’s claim that Pepto-Bismol cures ALS, but that suing Procter & Gamble for misinformation in this respect goes beyond the scope of their current lawsuit.

This is really hard to watch. There’s no way to put a positive spin on this situation. It’s an absolute trainwreck, and it’s likely to get much worse before it gets better. Both Tupac’s estate and Procter & Gamble are amazing, and it will be painful to have to take sides on this issue, but sooner or later everyone’s going to have to weigh in and publicly declare which side they think is right. Who are you supporting in the battle between Pepto-Bismol and the Tupac Shakur estate? Would you be willing to kill people to make sure your side wins? Let us know in the comments!

Walking in on your son video chatting with Hillary Clinton is uncomfortable for everyone involved. But with the right response, a parent can turn this awkward situation into a positive, teachable moment. Here’s how.

1. Let your son know it’s not inherently wrong to video chat with Hillary Clinton, and that he’s not in trouble

Start by defusing any tension or sense of embarrassment that your son might be feeling after you’ve walked into his room without knocking and found him FaceTiming with the 77-year-old former Secretary of State. Convey that you’re not talking to him about his rapport with Hillary Clinton because you’re mad or worried or think it’s strange, but because, as a parent, it’s your responsibility to know about any communications your kid has with former presidential candidates. 

2. Gently inquire about how your son knows Hillary Clinton, how often they’ve been FaceTiming, and what they talk about

Try to understand the context of their acquaintance. Did your son and Hillary Clinton meet over the internet, or through friends at school? Have they ever hung out in person? Who initiated contact? Do they talk about school, geopolitics, or perhaps Twitch streamers they both enjoy watching? Does Hillary Clinton video chat with your son every night? Don’t make your son feel like he’s being interrogated. Just express curiosity about the nature of their friendship, and whether it’s a healthy one for your son to engage in.

3. Establish that school comes first, and that if his grades suffer because of how much he’s video chatting with Hillary Clinton, there will be consequences

Set boundaries. Express that your son could lose his phone privileges if it seems like he’s spending time vid-chatting with Hillary Clinton that he should be spending studying. Make it clear that you have no issue with him FaceTiming Hillary so long as he’s finished with all his schoolwork and extracurricular commitments, and likewise for Hillary—you don’t want your son being the reason she falls behind in any of her political, marital, or Clinton Foundation responsibilities, either.

4. Ask to say hello to Hillary Clinton on their next video chat

Your son may initially resist this for a number of reasons. But chatting with Hillary yourself—just briefly popping in on their FaceTime to say hello, let her know whether you voted for her in 2016, and get a read on her vibe—will go far for your peace of mind. If your son’s going to hang out with a former First Lady online for the foreseeable future, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to meet her and show that you have a good relationship with your son.

5. Contact Bill Clinton for his opinion on Hillary and your son’s communications

Reach out to the former President just to make sure he’s also aware that his wife is FaceTiming with your son on a regular basis, and to ask if he has any thoughts or concerns about it. A quick call to make sure you and Hillary Clinton’s husband are on the same page could alleviate any lingering concerns both you and he may have. He’ll likely appreciate it, and feel more comfortable reaching out to you in the event that your son’s becoming a negative influence on Hillary Clinton or vice versa. 

So, if you barge in on your son video chatting with Hillary Clinton, don’t fret! With a little parental due diligence, your son and Hillary’s FaceTimes can be a beautiful, natural, and productive outlet for them both.

If you were considering ending it all today, you might want to just go for it, because your current situation is actually worse than if you straight-up dropped dead: Your Zoom got pushed back two hours.

Ukraine. Palestine. ICE raids. Tariffs…. NOW THIS?!

It’s starting to feel as though maybe your life is just a game to everyone around you, because the Zoom call you’ve had scheduled for two weeks—which took about six weeks before that to schedule—just got pushed back two hours. Do we even need to say that the person you’re meeting with, who won’t just stick to a simple goddamn plan, is higher up than you career-wise and clearly views your time as meaningless?

Be careful not to get so mad you punch a hole in the wall, or else you’ll have to change around your whole little Zoom setup in the “office” corner of your living room so no one can see the damage to the drywall.

Worst of all, the person you were supposed to Zoom with pushed back your Zoom for a different Zoom—which is crazy, because if they want to be on Zoom so bad, why can’t they just Zoom you, like they were supposed to do? The person you’re dealing with is clearly a sick, twisted individual who thinks that you can have your day set back two full hours with zero consequences. What, are you supposed to start on the tasks you were saving till after the Zoom? Because that just won’t work—it would feel all wrong according to the plan you made for yourself this morning. Now you’re going to do nothing all afternoon while waiting for this Zoom, which, let’s be real, may not even happen at all the way things are going.

GAH!!!!!!

Okay, you just punched a hole in the wall. We wanted to avoid that, but it’s okay. No need to even move that setup after all—you can just use a nice woodland Zoom background to cover it up. No one will be able to tell. And if they do notice and say something, you can just say your cat did it. Who even cares, at this point? Here’s hoping your Zoom is never, ever pushed back again.

ARLINGTON, VA — Tourists on Friday at the The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier presented by AFLAC were treated to a new script announcing the changing of the guard.

“Good morning, I am Sentinel Jameson,” the soldier said to the standing crowd. “Before I announce the ceremony you are about to witness, I’d like to tell you about Uber Eats. Standing guard can build up quite an appetite, and we use Uber Eats to get the food we need delivered fast.”

After each crossing of the tomb, the sentinel screamed “AFLAC!”

“The changes are due to us downgrading to the military service with ads,” Pentagon Press Secretary Kingsley Wilson told reporters. “The 2026 fiscal year military budget is $961.8 billion, but with the ad-inclusive plan we can drop that price to $653.7 billion, a great savings to the American taxpayers. Also, today’s press conference is brought to you by Squarespace. I’ve always wanted my own website to tell the truth about the Jews, and Squarespace makes it easy!” 

New in the Duffel Blog Shop: The Operation Ending Freedom collection

Why invade Baghdad when you can just invade Portland? These items commemorate the bold new doctrine of bringing the Global War on Terror home, one American city at a time. From Los Angeles to Chicago, New York to San Francisco, “Operation Ending Freedom” reminds us that freedom isn’t free — and apparently it isn’t permanent either.🔥 Stock up on gear now in the Duffel Blog Shop.

Check it out →

The press conference was posted on the Pentagon YouTube channel with the title “10 Exciting news stories of the day! #3 will SHOCK YOU!”

THE PENTAGON — American service members are used to shared suffering and the latest government shutdown has been no exception. Whether in the continental United States or on foreign shoes, from generals to privates, the month of October has been defined by financial uncertainty and reduced spending on all but the barest necessities. 

One guy, however, is having the time of his life — having turned October into his own personal Make-A-Wish carnival, and that is YOUR corn-fed, warrior-bred Secretary of Defense and Also War and Also Pew Pew Pete Hegseth. No money? No problem; he’ll just spend yours. Here are the top 10 things the SECDEF has miraculously found money for while you’ve been praying that SNAP gets funded to feed your children:

#1: LARPing with the bois (and just the bois, girls in uniform have cooties)

Sure, that $7,000 per flight hour could’ve covered food stamps for the junior enlisted or paid a teacher at the base child development center, but are you really going to begrudge the SECDEF a few minutes outside to touch grass? 

#2: More LARPing with the bois.

That sick shaka is a bargain at any price, even the $13,000 per flight hour it cost while you’re weighing another personal loan for your own gas from USAA.

#3: Pete’s the public face of the most powerful military on earth, so he damn well needs to look his best at the negotiating table.

So don’t nickel and dime him on Botox treatments, it’s all part of the warrior ethos. 

#4: Toy airplanes for Donnie Jr.

Despite being an eligible military-aged male during the entirety of the Global War on Terror, Donald Trump Jr. avoided the whiff of grapeshot for the duration and you know what, he feels pretty guilty about it. So the SECDEF figured the least he could do was let Donnie show his support for the troops through the dividends of a lucrative drone contract. Trump Jr. is reportedly deeply honored by his board position with the drone company where his hefty responsibilities include making “brrrrrrrr” sounds during each board meeting.

#5: Vigilance never sleeps, nor is it cheap.

So it’s not asking much for sailors to eat the zeroes in their LESs because Pete needs funds for Task Force Instagram. If you’ve got time to make reels, you’ve got time to pick up a shift at the base McDonald’s. And you better not post any of those “WTF Moment” stories about how your whiny kids are always hungry — the Task Force is watching.

#6: To reinforce the parts of the warrior ethos Pete cares most deeply about, he’s ordered Defense Department comptrollers to scrape enough funds together for Operation BEARDS BAD.

BEARDS BAD is an urgent acquisitions program to give each and every servicemember a set of clippers for policing those nasty moostaches. You won’t have a chicken in every pot but since you’re trimming every day, your clippings guarantee a steady diet of protein. Because Pete doesn’t want any beards ruining his pictures. Seriously, he doesn’t. Get the fuck away from him with that shit. 

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon says that soldiers are raving about the military’s ongoing conversion of toxic burn pits into flavored vape pits, sources confirmed today.

“I’m proud to say we’ve replaced unhealthy fumes with tropical aromas,” boasted Dr. Steve Ferrara, acting assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, exhaling a custard-flavored cloud. “Our brave soldiers have been happily enjoying our vape pits in flavors such as crème brûlée, fruity pebble, and piña colada.”

Burn pits have plagued the military for decades, reaching a peak during the Iraq War. Many veterans would still be fighting to prove exposure and receive care if not for the PACT Act. But the Department of Defense has pledged to address the very burn pits that inspired the law — by replacing them with environmentally questionable vape pits, capable of producing “phat clouds,” according to junior enlisted personnel.

“It’s some of the best fucking stuff I’ve ever smoked,” raved Senior Airmen Anton Marc. “After a long day of swabbing the airfield, in the rain, nothing relaxes me more than taking a rip from the vape pit. Sure, there are times when I wake up coughing blood, but it’s all paid for by the morale fund!”

Defense officials expect a morale boost across the active-duty force.

“We anticipate a 300% increase in morale and a 40% rise in vaping-related lung collapses,” said one DoD official while standing beside a tent labeled ‘JUULCONEX.’

But not everyone is on board with this so-called solution. Jon Stewart, a prominent advocate for veterans' health and key player in the passage of the PACT Act, expressed frustration.

“We... god damn it... we JUST started to correct this issue. When we worked with the VA to fix the issue, I did not imagine an Agent Orange-filled hookah lounge.”

When surveyed, junior enlisted personnel overwhelmingly supported the vape pits, requesting additional flavors such as pink lemonade and blueberry jam, rather than removing them.

• Atheist, CrossFitting Navy SEAL hasn't told anyone he vapes
• Report: 100% of first sergeants think you're a piece of garbage
• Marine calls Coast Guard to save him from drowning in debt
• Opinion: This Page Maliciously Left Blank
• 'Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash' picked as Global War On Terror Memorial

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social at 2:03 a.m. Friday to announce that a covert CIA operation in Venezuela would “go off without a hitch” next week.

“MADURO CAN SUCK MY BALLS!” Trump posted in all caps. “NEXT WEEK OUR GREAT SPIES WILL STAGE A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE REASON TO INVADE VENEZUELA. THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING! OUR TROOPS ARE EXCITED TO DIE IN ANOTHER POINTLESS WAR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.”

The post included an AI-created image of Trump giving a thumbs-up next to a flaming oil refinery alongside a caption of “Somewhere in Caracas.”

The statement comes amid reports of U.S. Navy warships deploying to the Caribbean, including a full carrier strike group. Analysts believe the move signals the start of yet another destabilizing regime change effort in a country that most Americans can’t locate on a map.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the operation, stating, “The president is right. Maduro absolutely can suck his balls. Republicans do it all the time.”

Earlier this week, Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro claimed his security forces arrested multiple CIA operatives attempting to orchestrate a false flag attack on U.S. naval assets. While Maduro’s claims have not been substantiated, a CIA operation ending in humiliating disaster would come as no surprise.

Following a string of strikes on suspected drug boats and fishing vessels off the Venezuelan coast, sources say next week's “Operation Very Fine Coup” will commence with airstrikes on farmers, schools, and civilian cars that may be carrying drugs.

“All the people with common sense say we shouldn’t invade Venezuela, so you can bet your ass we’re going to do it,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell.

“The cartel you’ve never heard of is a minor player in the drug trade and must be stopped. An invasion and botched occupation will turn Venezuela into a lawless anarchy where these cartels will have much less power. Based on our track record, this will backfire and we'll end up worse off than we were before. Now let’s get out there and beat them like my wife.”

US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’

Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97

Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis

Navy SEAL horrified that local man has never heard of Navy SEALs

Never heard of the ‘Quiet Professionals’? Who is this beta?

Duffel BlogRobert Campbell

Lee Harvey Oswald Quietly Added To CIA Memorial Wall

LANGLEY, Va.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

SF Soldier-Turned-CIA Officer Disappointed To Find Out It’s Not ‘Just Like Splinter Cell’

LANGLEY, Va.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Army standardizes military intelligence excuses

The U.S. Army Intelligence Center of Excellence has published a new analytical framework that helps to standardize a wide array of excuses

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

THE PENTAGON — The Pentagon announced today that former Secretary of Defense/former Secretary of War Pete Hegseth will now hold the title CEO of War, following what officials described as a “full-blown tantrum” during a cabinet meeting.

“Secretary is a lady job!” Hegseth reportedly shouted, while the adults in the room continued their discussions on real issues and tried to ignore him. “I’m not a lady! I’m a big boy! I do push-ups and pull-ups!”

Rather than correct his form or explain the history of the title, defense officials opted to just give him what he wanted.

“We figured renaming the Department of Defense back to the Department of War would shut him up,” said Gen. Dan Caine, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “But no, turns out the problem was the word secretary. Which is ironic, considering the man has a makeup studio in the E-Ring.”

Following the announcement, a beaming Hegseth handed out hand-drawn “business cards” featuring his new title written in crayon. Each card came stapled with an invitation to his War CEO Masterclass, a 12-part course on leadership via mirror flexing and yelling “hooah” at interns.

When asked what “CEO” actually stands for, Hegseth replied, “I think it means Cool Exciting Officer.”

A WOMAN believes her boyfriend, who she has outgrown and no longer really suits her, can still earn her a few quid on the popular resale app Vinted.  

Carolyn Ryan posted the listing, along with an old mohair jumper and an oversized chunky-knit scarf she has barely worn, in the hope of recouping some of her investment in the nine-month relationship.

She said: “I could just dump him outside Oxfam – his flat’s above it, it’d be convenient – but I’d get nothing out of that. I mean I won’t get much this way, but it’s something.

“Why shouldn’t I be compensated? I taught him how to stack the dishwasher. He’s only lightly used and if anything improved. And I’ve sold bootcut jeans on there so people will buy anything.

“Everyone tries to haggle, asking if he comes with the trainers and what the washing instructions are. I’ve been asked if he’s really ‘very good’ quality and to provide pictures of his payslips, the last gift he bought me, and proof he does the ironing.

“But I have had a few reasonable offers, so hopefully I should be able to drop him off at the Evri corner shop next week. I mean, 12 quid is 12 quid.”

Boyfriend Tom said: “I was offended at first. But not only will it sort all the break-up admin, but it gets me a new girlfriend far easier than on the apps.”

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then? 

Norman Steele, flytipper: “Oh, I don’t have to tell you. You’ll be seeing it on evening news bulletins soon enough.”

Joanna Kramer, broker: “No GTA6 and the Tories out of power until 2029. It’s a rough time for us sociopathic deviants who treat other people like their perverted playthings.”

Thomas Logan, network engineer: “I’ve spent years building a prostitute-murdering simulator on Minecraft, and it’s finally finished. It really is a mechanical marvel of the age. I’m hoping for at least an OBE.”

Jimmy Bates, YouTuber: “There’s always GTA Online, a racist, misogynistic, homophobic frenzy in which the only aim is to rack up cash by being as wildly offensive to others as possible. Or as some call it, Twitter.”

Donna Sheridan, eyebrow threader: “I play the British version. TWOCer VII. There are no guns, no police, no penalties for committing crime and only one weather: shit.”

MEGHAN Markle is to play herself in an upcoming film despite the fact the Princess of Wales would be far better for the role. 

The Duchess of Sussex, tone-deaf as ever to what the public wants, is to appear as herself in movie Close Personal Friends despite being completely wrong for the part.

Hollywood insider Gracie Wood-Morris said: “Meghan? As Meghan? What, did the casting director want the rest of the day off to snort coke?

“Maybe in 2016, but the Meghan of today carries too much baggage. The socials hate her, she doesn’t sell in the UK, and the lifestyle brand has tanked. Even as a cameo it’s desperate.

“No, if they want a Royal with looks, poise and mystique there’s only one choice to play Meghan and that’s her sister-in-law. Kate is an English rose, she’s got that marvellous mane, she tests well in the Midwest and the pegging rumours add vital edge.

“Can she act? Based on her public appearances as a Royal, she’s wooden, stilted and unconvincing as an actress. Like I said, a natural Meghan.”

A spokesman for the Princess of Wales said: “Kate is interested. And, so the film can never be released and forever associates the name of Meghan Markle with financial disaster, she’s willing to black up for it.”

BEING a traitor isn’t the only thing Alan Carr has been lying about. Here is the disturbing truth about one of TV’s most beloved stars.

He’s actually straight

Even people with finely-tuned gaydar could be forgiven for thinking that Alan Carr isn’t straight, so nuanced is the subtle persona he puts on. The toll of maintaining this facade is exhausting for poor Carr though, so at the end of the day he loves nothing more than to get into a big bed with his harem of buxom swimsuit models. He’s earned it.

He has 20/20 vision

Don’t let his comically large glasses fool you. Alan Carr actually has the keen-eyed vision of a fighter pilot, and in fact he used to be a flying ace for the Royal Air Force before landing his cushy telly gigs. The only reason he wears silly specs now is to hide his identity from angry husbands of all the military wives he shagged.

That’s not his real voice

An obvious one when you think about it. Most human beings, with the notable exception of Joe Pasquale, don’t speak in such a reedy tone unless they’re a voice actor pretending to be a little timid mouse character. At home Carr sounds more like Brian Blessed, but he had to adopt a gimmicky alternative to stand out in the crowded media landscape.

He’s an incredibly shy introvert

Alan Carr’s deception is so total that you’d never guess he’s actually a retiring wallflower whose social battery drains quickly around other people. After wrapping on The Celebrity Traitors, he will need to take five years off to recover and won’t be seen on our screens again until 2030 at the earliest. Do not approach him if you see him out and about in the meantime, for his health.

He’s not called Alan Carr

According to his birth certificate he was originally christened Silas McFartface, but Equity barred him from using it due to a Death in Paradise extra having the same name. However he hopes to one day pass on the proud McFartface family name when one of the many women he’s dating is ready to settle down.

He’s not giving the Traitor’s prize pot to charity

Carr’s crowning betrayal is that he will be pocketing the £87,500 prize money instead of giving it to Neuroblastoma UK. The tears that rolled down his face during last night’s finale were not a sign of remorse, but in fact signalled his huge relief at finally being able to afford a new marble counter top for his kitchen. ‘Those things ain’t cheap,’ he laughingly told reporters in a deep, gruff voice.

THE $1 trillion pay award given to Elon Musk will enable him to learn money cannot buy happiness on a scale never before imagined.

Already the world’s richest man, the shareholder-approved pay deal – £760 billion in sterling – means Musk can throw truly unparalleled amounts of cash at failing to bring joy to his black, shrivelled heart.

He said: “There is nothing this money cannot do. Except one thing, obviously, that I will spend all of it and the rest of my life discovering.

“I will create a legion of sexbots so realistic not even her own mother will be able to tell them apart from Sydney Sweeney. I will create a simulated reality in which Tommy Robinson rules England justly, fairly and with maximum bigotry.

“I will purchase a whole country – Argentina, I’m thinking – and become its despot. All will live by my laws. The Aconcagua mountain will be carved into a 20,000 replica of my face like a Bond villain, but ironically because I’m actually a really funny guy.

“Finally, myself and my sexbots will colonise Mars. And once there, I shall gaze back at the distant Earth and understand more thoroughly than any powerful man before me has that, truly, there is one thing money cannot purchase.

“Then I’ll die, a lasting monument to human misery 140 million miles from home. I hope it’s the first thing aliens find so they know what pathetic twats we are.”

Look, who among us has not sneakily nodded off during a boring work meeting? Alas, that’s not as easy to pull off when you’re the president of the United States. And you’re being broadcast live on television. The footage of Donald Trump appearing to doze off in the Oval Office during a press conference about […]

The post Donald Trump dozing in the Oval Office is the gift that keeps on giving – 21 people Biden their time with fresh memes and jokes appeared first on The Poke.

Let’s check in on what the podcast realm has coughed up for us this week. Step forward Alec Zeck, a former handball player and vaccine-sceptic host of a podcast called The Way Forward. Earlier this week, Alec had some thoughts about childbirth. He believes it’s not something that requires “the presence of a white-coated pharmaceutical […]

The post This mansplaining podcaster says women don’t need medical help with childbirth – 14 responses that are little bundles of joy appeared first on The Poke.

It’s always nice to see an underdog succeed, isn’t it? How else to react to the news this week that Tesla shareholders have approved a $1 trillion pay packet for Elon Musk, as long as he meets the company’s targets over the next 10 years. Tesla shareholders approve $1 trillion pay package for CEO Elon […]

The post Elon Musk is set for a $1 trillion pay packet from Tesla and people are gathering their pitchforks in outrage appeared first on The Poke.

We’re no strangers to quiz fails on these pages – and indeed in real life – and this one is up there with our very favourites. It’s an episode of Yesterday’s Quiz on the Greg James show, there was an accidental correct answer that got Greg really excited – which is no mean feat at […]

The post This accidentally correct answer on Greg James’ quiz will always make us smile and it was simply magnifico appeared first on The Poke.

Marjorie Taylor Greene burst onto the Washington, DC scene (quite literally) in the early 2020s by sticking up for Donald Trump no matter how outrageous the issue. She’d yell, scream, and… what’s another word for talk really loudly and obnoxiously? Simply, she was hard to ignore. But even MTG, amidst a government shutdown that has […]

The post Things have gone so far off the rails for Trump and his Magas that Marjorie Taylor Greene is starting to look like the sensible one – 15 red-hot responses appeared first on The Poke.