Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. “It’s heartbreaking having assets leak out for any of our projects, but that’s particularly the case when the grav-room immersion technology needed to fuse your somatosensory cortex with the world of Neo-Liberty City won’t exist for nearly 70 years,” read a statement from the company that urged players to wait until the game’s planned Nov. 19, 2096, release, when they could experience GTA IX ’s groundbreaking visuals, rich world, and gameplay mechanics in the intended form of a hypercube that vibrates at para-Newtonian frequencies. “So much of what’s out there is incomplete and unintelligible without knowing the wider context. For example, the game’s dialogue is written entirely in a Sino-Anglo-Swahili patois that really won’t become the global language until the 2070s. So, as tempting as it might be, we urge players to wait to experience the pulse-pounding crime story and romance between protagonists Grum-Gruck and the android Brvuaxxr-13 until the game finally comes out on the PlayStation 12.” Despite the additional pressure, Rockstar Games stressed that the studio continued to have no plans for a physical release of GTA IX, which it said would only be available to players who dissolved their neuro-ghost into a digital universe known as the Nano Stream. The Onion.

What To Know About ‘Earle Meets World’

Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a Gen Z content creator known for eating expired military rations. Q: I thought her name was Alex Cooper. A: Ask your girlfriend to explain it. Q: Is she really famous enough to have her own show? A: There’s no such thing as being too obscure for reality television. Q: Is she Mormon? A: Just her hair.  Q: Is her life entertaining? A: Unless she’s suddenly friends with 1,000-pound sisters, no. Q: Who’s the show for? A: People who were put off by the pretentiousness of The Kardashians. Q: How does she address her relationship with Tom Brady? A: Open and honestly during private lessons with her handsome jiu-jitsu instructor. Q: What’s the genre? A: Guilty, and and we’re talking low-down, deep, shameful, lifelong, I-ran-someone-over-while-drunk-guilty, pleasure. Q: Does the show get into the drama with Alix’s ex-boyfriend, Braxton Berrios? A: Yes, the show covers how the New York Giants terminated his vested veteran contract which allowed him to bypass waivers to be signed to their practice squad, even though they intended on having him active for Week 1, to the delight of fans. Q: Is everything on the show actually reality? A: Unfortunately, yes. The Onion.

God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People

THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. “I could have given everyone on Earth perfect, symmetrical proportions, so why didn’t I?” wondered the all-powerful deity aloud to Himself, adding that there was “no obvious rationale”behind why He’d chosen to give so many humans weak jawlines, cystic acne, buck teeth, or receding hairlines. “Did I make them ugly to punish them? Did I just get lazy? Maybe I thought at one point that excessive hair, cellulite, or goiters were attractive. I’m omnipotent, so I should remember this. All I know is that 90% of them are pretty hard to look at most of the time.” At press time, a frustrated God announced that He would correct His mistake by remaking everyone in the image of Dennis Quaid. The Onion.

PBR Offers $20,000 Reward For Lost Beer

The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What do you think? “Sorry, that PBR’s long since been spat out.” Karl Sturgis, Drawer Installer “Make it $40K, or these beers are getting shotgunned.” Dom Gilberti, Bait Packager “Has anyone seen a really twee bandit around here?” Rosa Fernandez, Chess Announcer The Onion.

Home Heeled Advantage

The Onion.

Oh No! Peter Forgives Neighbor 73 Times, But Then Lost Count And Now He’s Got To Start Over

JUDEA — In adherence to the teachings of Jesus, Simon, who is called Peter, was committed to forgiving the neighbor who wronged him up to "seventy times seven" times. Unfortunately, after forgiving him 73 times, Peter reportedly lost count and had to start all over.

Hollywood Colorist Fired After Accidentally Leaving Color In Film

BURBANK, CA — Panic swept through Warner Bros. Studios on Tuesday after a senior colorist was terminated for accidentally allowing visible primary colors to remain in a major motion picture.

Bari Weiss Facing Credible Allegations Of Doing Journalism

NEW YORK, NY — Interviews conducted with employees of CBS News revealed that Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss was facing internal backlash over allegations that she had attempted to commit actual journalism.

Mayor Mamdani Up All Night Practicing Sad Face For Upcoming 9/11 Observance

NEW YORK, NY — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly seen standing in front of his bathroom mirror practicing his "sad face" in preparation for his upcoming appearance at the 9/11 memorial.

Trump Renames The Montreal Canadiens As The Montreal Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Friday that he had successfully annexed the Canadian hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens, and would be renaming them the Montreal Americans.

Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad

Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad. What a bummer.  While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read. With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).” Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.

Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car

You’ve heard this before. A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.  “He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”  “There weren’t any signs.”  “We never suspected a thing.” And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.  Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.  Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.  Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal. This is just scary.  How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.

Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk

Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk. How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!” Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom. “Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.” Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.  A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!

Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day 

Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.   Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?! Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”    “Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.  “On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work. Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way. The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!

Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time

One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time. This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like! The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans! Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time! “When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.” Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera. Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh. It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right. Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!

Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Sleeping Marine aces hearing test

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”

Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits

WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”

Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass

Five areas barbers start trimming now you’re getting old

IRONICALLY sprouting hair from new locations just as you’re going bald is a normal part of aging. Your barber now discreetly asks if you’d like these to be shaped:  Nostrils It’s a sobering moment: you’d gone in for your normal cut when suddenly the clippers are right in your face. As they angle in for your nose you wonder if your barber is insane or if you’ve grown a Hitler moustache without noticing. But no, you just have hairy nostrils now. Like someone’s dad. Inner ears Your actual ears, treated like they’re a patch of weeds and he’s wielding the strimmer? Surely not. But when you see the sheer amount of hair that’s flying out all doubt is eliminated. And when he tells you he’ll have to charge extra for the wear and tear on his tools caused by your wire-like ear hair, even less. Eyebrows You’ve never paid any attention to your eyebrows, because you’re not a woman. But in response to his question, suddenly you notice they’re full of wild, crackly hair poking out in every direction, some five times longer than their neighbour and vivid white. You signal him to go ahead and another piece of your youth falls away. The patch above your buttock cleft Barbers give directions: lift your head up, turn to the left, close your eyes. When he tells you to get on all fours you’re surprised but obey automatically. And when he begins to tidy the area above your Dagenham smile, he assures you it’s perfectly normal for a man of your years and will make you feel special. Pubes Now he’s down there, they have gotten unpleasantly unruly and now seem to grow about halfway up the member, like a hog’s pizzle. He’s perfectly professional about it and the conversation about whether Sunderland will fall victim to second-season syndrome continues without pause.

We ask you: What British event should we make a new Bayeux tapestry of?

THE Bayeux Tapestry records the birth of Britain as a nation when we heroically lose a fight to the French. What should be on a new one?  Mary Fisher, cleaner: “Strictly series 5, when Alisha Dixon won. No, series 18 when Bill Bailey won. No actually series 22 when Chris McCausland won. OH GOD I DON’T KNOW!” Martin Bishop, lawncare consultant: “Daley Thompson retaining his decathlon gold at the Los Angeles Olympics. The ten events lend themselves naturally to a sequential telling. Steve Ovett versus Seb Coe in Moscow would be a f**king mess.” Denys Finch Hatton, professor of applied history: “Isn’t EastEnders our modern equivalent of the Bayeux Tapestry, unspooling behind us through the years? Except you’d never pay £36.50 to see it obviously.” Donna Sheridan, health inspector: “If we want it to be as close to the original experience as possible, I’d say Live Aid.” Nikki Hollis, hairdresser: “Honestly, all credit to the past, but I feel I’ve moved past the employment of embroidery as a narrative medium.” Wayne Hayes, market trader: “Either Brexit or Raoul Moat.”

Gromit was nearly a leashed gimp, says creator

Argentina warned it will be disappointed by Falklands

ARGENTINA has been warned that if it ever does get its hands on the Falkland Islands it will wonder why it bothered.  The South Atlantic islands are shrouded in perpetual rain, battered by wind, have no outstanding geographical features and are cold all year round, but are claimed by Argentina as sovereign territory presumably because they have never been there. Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “They’re the size of Northern Ireland but only three-and-a-half thousand people live there. Yeah. They’re that much less appealing than Northern Ireland. “Sheep thrive, penguins love it, but humans? Not so popular with them. These are rocks so bleak trees barely grow on them. The only settlers were Scots who found their home country too convivial for their liking. “If India was the jewel in the crown of the British Empire, the Falklands were a stray vajazzle that caused an ingrown hair.  “Seriously, the only reason we’ve held on to them is they’re such a wet, cold, wretched place to eke out a miserable existence that they’re unmistakably British. “Why not just enjoy the sunshine, the beaches, and the football prowess of Argentina and forget the Falklands? What’s that? Your economy’s f**ked and you need something to divert voters? Understandable. Britain did much the same back in 1982.”

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem was pretty fit

TRIBUTES to feminist campaigner Gloria Steinem have highlighted that she was quite the looker back in the day. Articles about the life of the pioneering second-wave feminist and Ms. magazine co-founder have served as timely a reminder that, just as importantly, she was easy on the eye. Martin Bishop from Stroud said: “It’s a sad day for women, they’ve lost a key figure I’ve only just heard about. Also: would. “It says here she did loads of impressive things like co-founding the National Women’s Political Caucus and the Women’s Action Alliance. I wonder what her skincare routine was though, because damn she’s cute. “Maybe her good looks were key to her success? Men were never going to kowtow to some frumpy battleaxe. But look at those sultry eyes and lustrous locks. I’d let her be the first woman to speak at the National Press Club any day. Phwoar. “No wonder she managed to infiltrate the Playboy Mansion as a Bunny Girl with a figure like that, the saucy minx. I’ll have to dig it out and give it a read. For entirely feminist purposes, of course.” Feminist Nikki Hollis said: “It’s chauvinist attitudes like Martin’s that Steinem railed against. Which makes it all the more annoying that he’s not wrong.”

Humour vacuum JD Vance attempted a joke about hanging out with Joe Biden at the 9/11 anniversary, and if possible it’s made him even more unlikeable and unpopular

Say what you will about JD Vance – no, please do, we’ll wait, and the worse it is the better – but the man sure does think he’s the mutt’s nuts. When he’s not casually talking about bringing on the End of Days, Vance like to appear before the press under the assumption that he’s […] The Poke.

Nigel Farage said he’d declare a “national emergency” and make Parliament sit 24 hours a day if Reform UK are elected, and people were quick to point out a few flaws in his plan

The first day of Reform UK party conference has been, how should we put it, “overshadowed” by the revelations from Channel 4 News’ blockbuster undercover investigation. As everyone made jokes about Nigel Farage, and he tried to act as if everything was normal, the Reform UK leader attempted to cut through the noise by laying […] The Poke.

Trump says Canada is a bigger threat to the United States than China and the entire internet responded as one

It’s hard to find anywhere in the world right now that has a comfortable relationship with the United States. As is his modus operandi, Donald Trump has alienated just about every foreign leader around the globe by either attacking, insulting, or ignoring them and their nations. Now, he is openly putting his cards on the […] The Poke.

Bob Mortimer’s been plugging his new book on Twitter along with a ‘catering slipper’ and it’s pure Mortimer magic

Nobody can dislike Bob Mortimer, it’s just not possible. He’s surely a bona fide National Treasure by now and we can hardly believe it’s been 37 years since he and Vic Reeves (Jim Moir) changed the UK comedy landscape with Big Night Out back in 1990, but he’s still making us laugh more than ever. […] The Poke.

JD Vance says America didn’t win wars until Donald Trump showed up and got taken down in a hail of clap backs

The better you lie, the more prominent role you get in the Trump Administration. So it’s no surprise that JD Vance weaseled his way all the way up to #2 in the rankings. The current Vice President flip flops on major political issues based on which way the wind is blowing — or more specifically, […] The Poke.