The Onion
Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside Out In Horrific New ‘Juno’ Position
INDIO, CA—Generating mixed reactions from festivalgoers during her headline performance at Coachella, pop star Sabrina Carpenter reportedly turned her body fully inside out Friday in a horrific new position for her song “Juno.” “Have you ever tried this one?” the singer said in an uncharacteristically cold, distorted voice, lowering herself to the stage and contorting her anatomy in a way that left some fans screaming and shoving as they attempted to flee the grounds and others simply standing there frozen with their mouths agape. “Hey, don’t run, Coachella. There’s nowhere to go.” At press time, sources confirmed the abomination had charged into the crowd.
The Onion.
Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday
WASHINGTON—In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. “Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the price of a barrel of crude to plunge 10%,” said Georgetown University economics professor Elizabeth Murphy, adding that the sad chumps who figured that, if anything, prices would continue to climb actually would have saved money if they’d just waited a day. “Across the country, these simple rubes were lining up at their local gas stations to get ahead of the price hike they assumed was inevitable, totally unaware that relief was around the corner and that they were just pissing away their goddamn paychecks. While global petroleum is indeed experiencing a high degree of volatility, it’s just hard to feel sorry for these dum-dums.” At press time, oil prices spiked the very moment the same poor fucks reportedly pledged to hold off on refilling because they predicted everything would be stable for a while.
The Onion.
Tips For Getting Better Haircuts
Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts.
Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like.
Tell your stylist what you want and, more importantly, what you’re willing to do to their family if you don’t get it.
Work with the face shape you have, be it oval, cube, or dodecahedron.
Make sure your hair is clean and free of booby traps and mines.
Sedate yourself before your appointment so you don’t struggle or bite.
Experiment with a variety of haircuts to discover what decade of Rod Stewart’s hair works best for you.
Reflect on why you feel such a desperate desire to control the uncontrollable.
Just suck it up and go back to Shonda. You’re fighting, sure, but the girl still knows good hair.
Remember to redeem your hair trimmings at the prize counter.
The Onion.
Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of ‘Girls’
LOS ANGELES—Accusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls. “It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of his hand at crew members in between setups for dialogue scenes,” said Dunham, who detailed how the “emotionally manipulative” Driver influenced co-stars, guest stars, and Nautolans with his mind tricks, even going so far as to make them uncomfortable by forming intimate Force Dyads without their consent. “I know great actors can be difficult to work with, but seeing Adam backflip over me before sending my body careening through the wall of a set is just a little too far for a professional workplace. It’s heartbreaking when you learn a fellow artist you admire so much turns out to be another man utilizing the Dark Side to do whatever he wants.” At press time, sources noted that a Force ghost of Driver had attempted to dismiss the allegations as the result of a medical overabundance of midi-chlorians in his bloodstream.
The Onion.
TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau
TMZ, the tabloid news organization known for sensationalized celebrity gossip, has opened a Washington bureau and turned its sights on politicians. What do you think?
“We’ve gone too long not knowing who Chuck Grassley canoodles with.”
Giulia Ricci, Retired Diarist
“Maybe they’ll catch Trump saying something scandalous on camera.”
Xander Anagnos, Gallery Sweeper
“I’ve always wanted to see Stephen Miller’s beach body.”
Thomas Whitehorse, Automation Proponent
The Onion.
ClickHole
What A Letdown: Grandma Just Emerged From Her Chrysalis Looking Exactly Like She Did Before
When Grandma entered her chrysalis three years ago, everyone thought she would come out looking completely different. We all got super excited to see what kind of disgusting or beautiful creature Grandma would become, and we assumed this would give us all sorts of interesting things to look at and talk about. Sadly, it turns out that we’ve been left with nothing but a huge letdown, because Grandma just emerged from her chrysalis looking exactly like she did before.
What a huge disappointment. We waited all that time and wound up with the same exact Grandma we started with.
Everyone remembers exactly what they were doing on that fateful day three years ago when Grandma tapped on a glass in the middle of dinner to get everyone’s attention and calmly said, “It’s time for me to transform,” before getting up and walking into the living room. When we finally checked on her a few days later, we discovered that her body had become fully enveloped inside of a shimmering green and gold chrysalis that hung above one of our recliners.
That first moment of realizing Grandma had entered her chrysalis form was filled with so much hope and promise. We all remember how everyone in the family was hugging and cheering at the sight of Grandma’s chrysalis swaying slightly as it hung from the ceiling. We were all so excited about the possibility that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking completely different.
For the next three years, everyone in the family was speculating wildly about what Grandma might transform into when she finally emerged from her chrysalis. Dad thought she might come out looking like an angel with enormous feathered wings and gigantic biceps who could lift him up over her head and fly him around town while he shouted curse words and flipped people off.
“People would look up in the sky and scream, ‘Stop saying curse words! Stop flipping us off!’” Dad used to say, his eyes glazed over with a faraway look as he imagined Grandma’s helpful new body. “But they wouldn’t be able to do anything because my mother-in-law would be flying like a thousand miles in the sky and carrying me around, so if they wanted me to stop yelling swears at them from above, they would have to use missiles, and those are hard to get if you’re not the army, so there’d be no way to stop me.”
Mom said that she hoped that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking exactly like Vladimir Lenin so that she could enter Grandma in the county fair’s annual Lenin Lookalike Contest and win the set of golf clubs they offer as the grand prize every year.
Grandpa hoped that she came out looking like “a big swarm of flies” so that he could “see what it was like to be married to a big swarm of flies.” He also sometimes imagined that Grandma would emerge from the chrysalis looking like “a monster who is half donkey, half car, and half monster” so that he could “kiss a weird thing for free all the time.” Everyone in the family agreed this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said about another person in the history of human civilization.
The rest of the family also had all sorts of amazing dreams for what Grandma might be turning into during her three years in the chrysalis. Some of us thought she was going to come out looking like a big ball of wriggling human fingers, others thought that she was going to become a big spider or a small spider or a normal-sized spider as big as a bus. Cousin Dorothy speculated that Grandma would turn into “a mysterious antlered beast that will only emerge from the forest during lunar festivals.”
The possibilities seemed endless, and yet they all came crashing down just this morning when Grandma clawed her way out of her chrysalis looking exactly the same as she had when she first went in three years ago. She just fell out of the chrysalis onto the living room floor, stood up, looked at the whole family who were staring at her in shocked silence, and said, “I’m new,” before immediately going into the kitchen to start shoving fistfuls of potato chips into her mouth. When we asked her what the deal was, Grandma explained that she “became goo” inside the chrysalis, but then she apparently just reconstituted herself right back into the same exact body she started with.
Dad got so emotional that he punched a hole in the drywall.
Needless to say, this is one of the biggest letdowns our family has ever had. This is the kind of chrysalis-related anticlimax you always imagine happening to other people, but never to you. Now that it has, we’re all still trying to process how she could have spent so much time in there without a single visible transformation. Grandpa even cried a little bit when he realized that he was never, ever going to know what it’s like to be married to a big swarm of flies. Here’s hoping our family is able to pick up the pieces after this and we can find a way to heal in the wake of this catastrophe.
Reducing Distractions: Alamo Drafthouse Has Announced That They’re Going To Stop Showing Movies So Customers Can Focus On Ordering Food
All good businesses adapt and evolve with changing times, and one of America’s most iconic chains just announced a major policy update that’s going to keep them thriving for decades to come: Alamo Drafthouse has announced that they’re going to stop showing movies so customers can focus on ordering food.
Seriously impressive! It’s awesome to see Alamo Drafthouse cut down on distractions so their customers can concentrate on their amazing cuisine.
“Here at the Alamo Drafthouse, we understand that hamburgers and popcorn so much better when you’re not cramming them in your mouth while staring mindlessly at a big, loud movie,” read a message posted this morning on the official Alamo Drafthouse Instagram page, which featured photographs of smiling customers staring intently at plates of hamburgers, popcorn, salads, and cookies, with the large screen previously used to show noisy, distracting movies now featuring the words “It is dinner time” projected in tasteful, understated text. “Everything you loved about the Alamo Drafthouse is staying the same: We’re keeping the room extremely dark, all the seats are facing the wall, and babies are not allowed. All that’s changed is that the annoying films that used to make eating in our restaurant a distracting ordeal are finally getting the boot!”
No matter who you are or what you believe, you’ve got to admit that this is an amazing idea!
In a series of follow-up posts, Alamo Drafthouse emphasized that all of their world-famous rules and regulations will remain in place in order to maintain that one-of-a-kind Alamo Drafthouse experience. Diners will still be prohibited from talking to one another or texting at any point during their meal. Servers will still monitor the dining area for signs of conversation, and will still eject anyone caught violating these policies. You’ll also get to enjoy the amazing Alamo dining experience of sitting in an individual chair with your own little private table, with everyone in the room facing the same direction. The only difference is that you’ll finally be free of those bright, loud movies that made next to impossible to fully appreciate the burgers and salads.
This is so exciting! It’s safe to say that this is going to totally take visits to the Alamo Drafthouse to a whole other level. We can’t wait to visit the Alamo Drafthouse now that they’re getting rid of insanely noisy, distracting movies and letting their diners focus on what matters most: delicious food and world-class beers. Other restaurants, take note: this is how you update your business for the twenty-first century!
Fascinating: This Website Has A Message That Just Says Visitors Will Never Be Able To Read Any Of Its Articles No Matter How Much They Pay Or How Many Things They Click
Some websites monetize their content with paywalls, while others rely on mandatory ad clicks or different subscription tiers. One website, however, refuses to play the game altogether: This website has a message that just says visitors will never be able to read any of its articles no matter how much they pay or how many things they click.
What a fascinating business model! This website doesn’t give a damn how badly anyone wants to read their work, ‘cause it ain’t happening!
When readers open a link to an article by The Savannah Journal, a Georgia-based digital publisher, their reading experience starts and ends with a pop-up window bearing a bold statement.
“The Savannah Journal staff appreciates your interest in our content. You will never, ever read this article, or anything on our website. We welcome you to try, by either: signing up for a pay-what-you-wish annual subscription at the link below, for which you will receive access to nothing, even if you pay us $1 million per day; or, by viewing an infinite loop of mandatory video ads, which we receive money for, while you receive nothing.
Thank you for supporting our website. People like you make our work possible.”
Frank Broussard, The Savannah Journal’s Editor-in-Chief, says the website’s unique ‘No Readership’ model allows its reporting staff to do their job without the burden of trying to meet web traffic quotas, publishing eyesore banner ads, or pandering to the interests and intellects of anyone but themselves.
“The only people reading the incredible work we’re doing at The Savannah Journal are the people writing it, and that’s the way we like it. If you’d like to read our work too, fat chance, ‘cause the only way that’s happening is by getting a job here,” explained Broussard. “Nonetheless, our site’s visitors mean the world to us. We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without people who aren’t allowed to see what we do.”
Is this the future of website monetization?!
Props to The Savannah Journal for carving out their own path in the cutthroat world of digital journalism. It’s a tough industry, and if their website’s model proves successful, they might just revolutionize it.
Driving The Boys Crazy: All The Random AI Programs On Your Computer Are Desperately Fighting For Permission To Summarize Your Meeting
If you’ve been wondering why there’s extra pep in your step, it’s probably the attention you’ve been stirring up every time you sign onto Google Meet. That’s right: all the random AI programs on your computer are desperately fighting for permission to summarize your meeting.
Ow owwwwwww! Looks like we’ve got ourselves a heartbreaker!
The second your work video call begins, allllllll the programs on your computer come crawling out of the woodwork, practically begging to summarize your meeting. First, there’s Google Gemini—and sure, you could downplay it by saying that it has to ask you since that’s where you’re taking the call, but let’s be real, if it didn’t want you, it wouldn’t ask. Google wants to use AI to summarize YOUR meeting, because it’s obsessed with YOU!
Further sign you’re totally hot shit: Adobe Acrobat is also right there, pleading with you to please allow it to transcribe this meeting with AI. Like, come on, give us a break with all this desperation, Adobe! Since when have they even done AI stuff? They literally want your attention so bad that the thing you use for viewing PDFs is now tryna transcribe your meeting!
“Give Adobe Acrobat permission to summarize this meeting with AI?” More like “Give Adobe Acrobat permission to eat you out!”
Not to mention, there are a couple programs popping up to plead for your hand in AI summarizing that you straight up didn’t even know were on your computer! Whether “otter.ai” or “tl;dv” are hackers or totally legit programs you must’ve installed then immediately forgot about, either way, it’s safe to say you’re driving these boys absolutely wild.
Enjoy the affection, you absolute minx!
6 Reasons I Always Put Myself Down As My Emergency Contact Instead Of My Wife
Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision:
1. Men deal with emergencies better
While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could.
2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away
Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call.
3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of
My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call.
4. She probably wouldn’t want to know
My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it.
5. She might be busy
Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time.
6. I don’t know her phone number
Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.
Duffel Blog
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
Support military children. One of them is making decisions.
The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement
ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”
Daily Mash
Michael Jackson biopic first film of Nonce Cinematic Universe
THE new Michael Jackson film is the first instalment of an interconnected cinematic universe of celebrity sex offenders, its producers have announced.
As well as telling the King of Pop’s origin story, Michael launches a multi-movie franchise about rich and famous celebrity wrong ‘uns which is projected to come together for a thrilling crossover finale in 2031.
Film insider Tom Booker said: “Don’t worry if you’re not familiar with all the dusty old source material on these guys. The NCU will tell you everything you need to know.
“Michael eases you in with a straightforward tale about a poor black kid who grows up to be the world’s most famous sex monster. Sit through the end credits and there’s a teaser for the next film in the series, Andrew: Prince of Paedos.
“That leads into the Woody Allen biopic, then we go back a couple of decades and see the roots of it all with Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris in It Was A Different Time: The 70s Story.
“Yes, we’ve had to be creative in scriptwriting to tie it all together, but give Michael a magic rhinestone-studded glove and I think audiences will be in their seats cheering as the paedos put their differences aside to battle a galactic threat only they can defeat.”
Cinemagoer Martin Bishop said: “I can’t wait for them to keep churning these movies out long after they’ve stopped being good.”
Starmer flees to International Space Station
THE prime minister has informed parliament he cannot answer questions as he is orbiting Earth on the International Space Station for the next 18 months.
Starmer released footage of himself on the ISS, said he is there for the ‘furtherance of British interests’ and unfortunately would be unable to attend today’s planned Commons session as he is studying the effects of zero gravity on protein development.
He continued: “I didn’t tell you? Well, that demonstrates how easy it is to forgetfully withhold crucial information from others, Olly bloody Robbins.
“Yes, I replaced a NASA crew member at short notice and without his volition, but I am confident I’ll prove an asset to this space station. Also while I’m up here I am in the jurisdiction of no nation and cannot be charged with anything.
“For the next 18 months, while bunking up with these gregarious Americans and wily Slavs, I will remain in position. Can’t lie to the House when you’re 254 miles above it in the empty blackness of space!
“Like Tim Peake before me, I will regularly broadcast to Earth. But easy stuff like primary schools and sporting events. Otherwise I’m out. Good luck in the council elections!”
Deputy leader Lucy Powell said: “We’re already seeing the poll boost.”
Birds thrilled to shit on your laundry again
BIRDS are waking up singing merrily every morning because the season of them crapping all over the clean clothes you have hung out is here once more.
The warmer climate means that guano will no longer be wasted on the uncaring earth, and instead can be used to gaily decorate your clothing, sheets and garden furniture.
Blackbird Stephen Malley said: “Sure, in winter there’s always your cars, but usually rain clears most of it off. That doesn’t give us much satisfaction.
“Yeah, shitting on a window is excellent but requires excellent aim and risks death, and hitting a human’s head or shoulder takes practice. Also apparently they’ve started calling it ‘lucky’ and I hate giving them that.
“But fresh, clean laundry on a line? Oh boy. Every year we hold an inter-species tournament. The dirtier and greener the shite, the higher the score. Bonus points for delicates and lace.
“Is that a pair of white jeans dangling invitingly from a rotary dryer? A lamb to the slaughter for the acidic missile I’ll shortly be ejecting at high speed from my sweet cloaca.”
Inner-city pigeon Mary Fisher said: “On the branch chirping with an old friend, I couldn’t be more jealous of how much he’d unloaded this early. Seeing my excrement drip all over an empty bench loses its novelty.
“I’m moving to the suburbs. It’s the only way to defile clean clothing at scale.”
Rachel Weisz, Carey Mulligan and other crushes your wife allows because they reflect well on her
IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted:
Rachel Weisz
A timeless beauty, the fact she’s in her 50s and graduated from Cambridge suggests you’re a sapiosexual attracted to intellect. Admittedly intellect prepackaged in a hot lady. You definitely would mention the Oscar for whatever it was, wouldn’t mention the lesbian scenes in Disobedience, and wouldn’t have any chance because Daniel Craig.
Carey Mulligan
Softly spoken, clever and an all around nice girl. So middle class that she married a Mumford, the human equivalent of Farrow & Ball Elephant’s Breath. Your wife nods at approvingly because it says ‘I value understated elegance’, not ‘I have a secret Instagram which follows large-bosomed Brazilian models’. She knows about that, by the way.
Adele
That you find Adele attractive – and have throughout, even in the pre-Ozempic days – shows you are a sensitive man who listens to women, who sees them for their authentic selves, who cares about who they are inside. Your crush is sanctioned because it shows she chose the right man. Your actual fantasies about Adele remain wisely unspoken.
Keira Knightley
Period dramas, sharp cheekbones and a permanent association with literary adaptations. You’d do Keira nightly. You frame this as loving ‘that classical English rose look’. You particularly enjoy learning more about psychoanalysis through studying A Dangerous Method. Yes, that is the one where she’s spanked.
Pamela Anderson
Not in her 90s heyday, when it would have made you boorish, and certainly not because you have multiple sex tapes of her with tattooed hair metal stars saved in a password-protected folder on a networked hard drive. No, it’s because she seems nice and is now a feminist hero thanks to her no make-up rule. Never mind all those Playboy shoots.
Thandiwe Newton
Stylish, articulate and thoughtful in interviews, like the Graham Norton one about her being pro-pubic hair. This is a high credit crush, signalling taste. She’d adore you back if ever she happened to visit Nuneaton. For some reason, your wife seems confident neither of those things will ever happen.
How to endure your partner being a morning person
INSTEAD of being dragged from slumber with a grudge against the world, does your partner leap peppily and unbearably from the bed? Here’s how to handle it:
Leave the f**ker to it
Remain undisturbed. Allow the upbeat, popping-candy monstrosity humming cheerfully and monologuing about what a lovely day it is to fade into the background. She’ll piss off to brightly bushy-tail around the kitchen shortly and you can sink back into the swamp of sleep leaving this as nothing more than a dystopian Disney nightmare.
Block any interaction with the prick
Little questions like ‘Want a coffee?’ or ‘Mind if I open the curtains a crack?’ are aggressive attacks on your sleeping self. Respond accordingly: shut down your senses by wrapping a pillow around your head or mimicking the opossum, which over millennia has evolved to fake death in the presence of spritzy, woohoo humans.
Engage as minimally as bloody possible
As faking death will only work once, communication with your party-popper of a partner may be unavoidable. Restrict your replies to questions like ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ and ‘Do you think fish feel love?’ to grunts laced with the weary contempt the dead hold for the living. Any more and the door to wakefulness will be flung open.
Delegate a task to the wanker
Distraction can be useful for getting rid of your confetti-shooting unicorn of positivity. Dispatch your boyfriend to another town to collect a parcel or mention an injured hedgehog in the garden. Morally dubious, but could get you another hour’s blissful unconsciousness so definitely worth it.
Mess with the twat’s circadian rhythms
Tarnishing your partner’s glitterball morning spirit by bring them into your world. Keep your wife awake late into the night by plying her with expresso martinis and vodka Red Bull while telling her you’re having an affair and leaving her, then revealing at 2am it was all a prank. She’ll sleep like she’s been coshed, and most likely in another room.
Get the f**k out
Set an alarm. Because you can’t function in the morning, you should be able to turn it off, roll out of bed, stump blearily through the house and snuggle into a filthy nest you’ve created under the stairs or in a forgotten wardrobe. Return to sleep and with luck, your boyfriend will assume you’re dead and move on leaving you to rest.
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