The Onion
Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras
Surveillance company Flock’s automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology.
PRO
Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone
Garrett Langley’s parents will be devastated if his founder/CEO gig doesn’t pan out
You never have to feel alone again
May be our only hope of catching the Riddler
CON
Clairvoyant crime solvers now worthless
Amish once again get to feel self-righteous about the evils of technology
Far inferior to SheilaFinder, our own stalking startup
Thought we’d have omnipresent swarms of nano-drones by now
The Onion.
Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow
PALO ALTO, CA—Telling himself he had “no other choice” but to end the simulated character’s life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow.
According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be up late working on a presentation for the Meta board of directors and then closed the door to his office, slipping on his Quest 3 headset. Seconds after activating the wearable VR device, the CEO entered the metaverse and appeared at the door of a bedroom in which his digital likeness lay sleeping. The 42-year-old is said to have stood over the animated version of himself for a dozen tense minutes with a virtual pillow hoisted above his head.
“Goodnight, my son,” said Zuckerberg, his voice a whisper as he took a deep breath to steel himself and gazed down upon the impossibly smooth, round face of the avatar, which slumbered peacefully in its twin-sized bed. “You will no longer have to endure this cruel, cruel metaverse.”
Sources inside the social media company described the avatar as “the center of Zuckerberg’s world,” noting that the billionaire had taught it to emote, gone on shopping trips with it to the digital market place, and even named it “Mark,” after himself.
Several reports indicated that as Zuckerberg held the e-pillow mere inches from the face of his cherubic avatar, it opened its doe-like eyes and asked, “What are you doing, papa?” Upon spotting the wild look in the CEO’s eyes, the avatar leapt from bed and passed through a glitching wall of its virtual bedroom, running through a business meeting, a deserted disco, and a seemingly endless gray space with Zuckerberg in pursuit.
“Please don’t shut me down!” said the avatar, crying out in a squeaky, terrified voice as a physical struggle between the two Marks ensued. “Papa, no! We don’t need users! We don’t need investors! I can live alone inside the metaverse forever!”
Sources confirmed that despite Zuckerberg’s years of training in Brazilian jiujitsu and mixed martial arts, the avatar put up an impressive fight, at one point landing a kick to its opponent’s testicles and making the Meta co-founder sorely regret granting it legs in 2023.
Leaked audio of the incident revealed that a hysterical Zuckerberg shouted, “Can’t you see this is what’s best for both of us?!” as he knelt on top of the writhing avatar and furiously mashed the pillow against its face, blotting out the muffled cries of “Love me” as its physical form slowly disintegrated into a cloud of ones and zeroes. The lengthy recordings conclude with an exhausted and hoarse Zuckerberg whispering, “You’re not the future anymore! Do you understand me? Neither of us are! Now, sleep—sleep!”
“It’s always a terrible, terrible thing when a tech entrepreneur kills his own creation,” said Meta engineer Lydia Zalar-Gilroy, who emphasized that the stress Zuckerberg might have felt was absolutely no justification for the “reprehensible” act of avacide he had committed. “He may tell himself it’s an act of mercy, but the truth is this was about nothing other than a sick need for power and control.”
“He could have easily let his avatar live on,” Zalar-Gilroy added. “He just didn’t feel like sinking another $80 billion into it.”
The Onion.
Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He’s NBA Superstar
MCCOOK, IL—Complaining that he couldn’t even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukašin Petrović told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar. “Just because I’m a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in ‘-ić,’ everyone automatically thinks I’m some kind of elite big man for the Grizzlies,” said Petrović, shaking his enormous head and explaining that despite his stoic facial features, deeply untoned torso, and hands that looked like they’d been pouring concrete for 30 years, he had no experience playing competitive basketball and was in fact just a 39-year-old forklift operator who spent his free time sitting shirtless on a plastic chair and smoking cigarettes. “People see my buzzed head and heavy, bearlike frame and immediately want to talk to me about throwing no-look passes and if I train with Jokić or Porziņģis or whoever. I’m tired of these hurtful assumptions! I don’t even like basketball! I’m just a huge, emotionally flat laborer who happens to be from a part of the world where every man looks like he could record a triple-double.” At press time, Petrović had reportedly grown even more irritated after a group of passersby asked to take a picture with him and then walked away arguing over whether he was Luka Dončić or Bogdan Bogdanović.
The Onion.
Kirk Devine
Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine’s body parts.
The Onion.
Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses
Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that don’t exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think?
“Big whoop. McDonald’s PlayPlaces whip up new viruses every day.”
Ainsley Reddick, Punch Mixer
“See you on the breadline, Covid.”
Blake Adamson, Horse Historian
“These AI companies are all hype and zero mass death.”
Tristen Leavitt, Card Shuffler
The Onion.
ClickHole
Wetting The Bed Means You’re Strong (By Tom Holland)
Hiya! Tom Holland here. Television’s Spiderman. It’s a commonly held belief that wetting the bed means you’re weak. A goofy little child. A grody old man covered in sores. A worthless baby!
Not being able to hold your pee in is seen as a sign that your pee muscles are weak or that you’ve got a real little bitch of a bladder.
This couldn’t be more idiotic and stupid as hell!!
I’ve got news for you: Wetting the bed means you’re really strong! It doesn’t matter what society or much less your wife says. Being unable to hold your urine overnight while sleeping means that you are as strong as it gets and that you are a GREAT person.
I’m not going to get into the science of it all, because no one would understand it anyway. But basically, only the strongest of people piss their beds or “can’t hold it” on long car rides and wet themselves while driving. Your wife might say otherwise. She might say, “You need to go to a doctor about this, Tom,” or “Why don’t you try emptying your bladder right before bed?”
Blah blah blah.
She says these things because she’s never been with a strong man before. Her old boyfriend, Jacob, never let even a drizzle of pee out of his penis at night. She grew to believe that meant he was “strong.” But he wasn’t.
He sucked.
If your idea of “normal” is waking up in a dry bed and NOT smelling urine (i.e., “waking up weak”) you may want to ask yourself where that idea came from. Opening your eyes in the morning and declaring, “Oh great, I pissed the bed again,” it is a sign of strength, courage, and fortitude. Not weakness, as some liars would have you believe. Ancient Samoan warriors pissed the bed 15, 20 times a night. And their piss was THICK.
You don’t see anyone calling them “weak.”
Does having large muscles and being able to lift heavy weights make one “strong?” Or does strength come from within, and then that strength pushes your pee out all over your mattress, sheets, and comforter? Every smart person agrees that more strength comes from leaving a hotel bed soaked in gallons of piss because you drank five to six Gatorades right before bed and were too sleepy to get up and hit the toilet before bed than lifting weights ever will.
And that’s not only a fact, but it’s true.
Thrilling For Her: Mom Just Learned Some Super Sad News That She Gets To Tell Everyone
If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone.
Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom!
Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else.
Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now!
While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place.
One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that.
Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!
Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far With The Episode Where The Count Outsources His Counting To ChatGPT And Finally Has A Free Minute To Visit His Wife’s Grave For The First Time In 20 Years To Teach Kids About The Positives Of AI?
For decades, Sesame Street has been the gold standard of children’s television, weaving together valuable life lessons and educational programming with care and creativity. But one recent episode has polarized viewers and caused some parents to question the series’ judgment. And so it is time to ask the question: Did Sesame Street go too far with the episode where the Count outsources his counting to ChatGPT and finally has a free minute to visit his wife’s grave for the first time in 20 years to teach kids about the positive aspects of AI?
It definitely seems like Sesame Street has gotten itself into some major controversy with this one.
The episode began walking the line almost immediately. In the first moments of the episode, the Count is reading an old issue of National Review from 1961 and nodding along while muttering things like, “Yes, so true” and “Finally, someone sees it my way.” After three minutes of this, Grover approaches the Count, kisses him gently on the forehead, and says in Ernie’s voice, “You should count to 600,000.” Then Grover walks away. The Count realizes that counting to such a high number would take hours, so instead of doing it himself, he downloads Claude and tells it to “Count to 600,000 for me.” The AI starts counting immediately, and the Count realizes that he finally has a free afternoon to himself.
While Claude is doing the Count’s work for him, he drives to the Sesame Street Cemetery where his wife Theresa has been buried since 2011, when she passed away after suffering an allergic reaction to the general anesthesia she was administered during a tonsillectomy. The Count kneels at her grave and apologizes over and over again for never having the time to visit her. He explains that he has been too busy counting things for work to come see her, but thanks to the amazing advances in artificial intelligence he finally has enough time to make the drive out to the cemetery.
The Count then sings a song called “The Future Is Here,” in which he celebrates the ways in which artificial intelligence has transformed human life for the better. Then the Count does push-ups in front of his wife’s grave to show her how strong he’s gotten in the years since her death.
At the end of the episode, the Count returns to his computer, where Claude has finished counting to 600,000. Grover returns and says, “Wow, the artificial intelligence did a perfect job. We should use this technology for almost everything in our society.” The Count agrees and goes back to reading his old issue of National Review.
Viewers have expressed concern online about many parts of the episode. Some parents have said that the way AI was presented by the Count as a way to fix all of his problems was biased and did not substantively engage with some of the potential pitfalls of this new technology. Others have complained that the way the Count also did push-ups in front of several other women’s graves at the cemetery while singing a song called “Playing The Field” undermined the family values of the show. It’s definitely an ongoing debate, and one that’s likely to continue for decades—or even centuries—to come.
What do you think? Did Sesame Street go too far, or do you agree that it’s impossible for anyone to do anything wrong in any context? Be sure to sound off in the comments to let us know what’s on your mind!
PR Disaster: Osama bin Laden’s Corpse Was Just Dumped Out Of The Big Tipping Bucket At Hurricane Harbor Atlanta
While the enormous tipping bucket at Hurricane Harbor’s Paradise Island is usually a favorite among park visitors, who love getting soaked by the huge torrent of water it periodically dumps on top of fun-seeking patrons, this park landmark quickly became a site of humiliation and outrage when it tipped over and dumped out the corpse of former al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden. Guests immediately started booing and throwing their flip-flops at the lifeless body of the terrorist kingpin.
Needless to say, families who had been looking for a fun and carefree day at the waterpark were not happy to see the man responsible for so many American deaths flop out of the big bucket of water and smack damply onto the asphalt. Hurricane Harbor has received hundreds of complaints and negative reviews in the hours since one of the least popular militant extremists of all time flopped onto the ground right in front of countless unsuspecting families.
“I brought my kids here today so that they could slide down the Tsunami Surge, not so that the bloated carcass of Osama bin Laden could fall on their heads out of a big bucket,” said Parker Westbrook, a Hurricane Harbor visitor whose three children were standing beneath the tipping bucket when Osama bin Laden’s body was dumped out. “I came here for fun, and instead I’m spending the whole day teaching my kids how to give the middle finger so they can flip off bin Laden’s dead body instead of going to eat funnel cake.”
Witnesses say that after the initial commotion, park employees took action and finally scooped up bin Laden’s dead body, put it in an inner tube, and let it circulate around the lazy river for the next three hours until SEAL Team 6 arrived to dump Osama bin Laden’s body into Lake Lanier.
Here’s hoping the executives in charge figure out how to make sure Osama bin Laden’s corpse never finds its way back into the theme park’s water system, otherwise Hurricane Harbor Atlanta will start to develop a reputation as the water park that drops former al Qaeda members right on top of their visitors.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation
The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them.
I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately.Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.Today is your day.It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files.I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.
Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan
FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans.Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto.“We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.”According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty.“Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.”The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch.“To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.”Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks.Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation.“Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?”The room fell silent.“Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’”Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest.“We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.”Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it.“That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.”At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards
THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age.According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.”“After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.”The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent.“He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.”Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments.“Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.”Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable.When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos.Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary.“It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.”According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings.“He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.”Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring.“I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.”Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF.At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War
FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported.
THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does.
1. Surrender
Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices.
Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction."
2. Move the goalposts
Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club?
Change them.
Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.”
Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable.
3. Redefine everything
Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient.
A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges.
Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.”
Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?”
4. Turn the war off and back on again
Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself.
5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums
War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents.
They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it.
6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran
Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them.
While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs.
This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint.
7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate
The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner.
Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and...
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Americans begin thanking troops for future service
WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”
Daily Mash
Six alternative uses for your dusty, dried-out local park
SO much for the saying ‘the grass is always greener’. If your local park is now a useless, arid wasteland, here are some alternative purposes for it.
New Dune filming location
As the franchise continues, why not email Chris Nolan to say he can save money on the sets? Large sandy patches can be found everywhere in your park, so it’s a lot like Arrakis if you CGI out the children’s swings. And think of the boost to the local economy of Timothée Chalamet plodding disconsolately around being hassled by hangry pigeons.
Exfoliating spa treatment
People pay to get their skin scrubbed with sugar, salt and even crystals, so why not use a mix of crispy park debris? Dust, grit and dead leaves are all natural – 100 per cent organic and sustainable, if you will – so give them a deep cleanse with that. Don’t forget to charge 150 quid.
Living history educational trip
Middle-class parents love to take their kids to educational Viking centres, but why not learn about the horrors of Dust Bowl America by experiencing it themselves? Make them trudge around the drought-stricken park all day asking confused sunbathers if ‘any of these here farms are hiring’. You could read bits of The Grapes of Wrath to them but it’s heavy going, so just throw away their packed lunches to simulate constant, gnawing hunger instead.
‘Upsetting baby’ sensory class
It’s fashionable to introduce your toddler to happy sounds, bubbles and lovely soft textures, but aren’t kids soft and cossetted enough already these days? It’s time for them to learn the harsh realities of life by making them sit on hard, dry ground while you throw dirt and twigs at them. It’s character building.
Immersive climate change experience
Some people still won’t accept that consistently climbing temperatures are indicators of man-made climate change. Time to ship in these contrarian politicians and influencers and lock them in the hell of your local park for several days. They’ll soon get a taste of global drought and food shortages when the ice cream van goes home for the night.
Supplies of hamster bedding
With all the green grass reduced to straw, parks are ideal for stocking up on free bedding for hamsters, mice and gerbils. Their cages will become pet paradises as you fill them with interesting new dusty straw. Don’t worry if the dried-out park grass is a bit dirty – it’s like the finest Egyptian cotton to them, because they’re basically rats.
Sex with a 25-year-old wasn’t creepy when I was 25 so why is it now?
By Martin Bishop, 45
I HAVE recently discovered that the passage of time has been unfairly applied to me.
When I was 25, having sex with a 25-year-old woman was completely normal. Nobody asked what we had in common. Nobody wondered whether I was having a crisis about my mortality. I’m not having one now, by the way. I just want to shag someone prettier.
But now I’m 45 I’m apparently supposed to think a 25-year-old is a different category of human being. This makes no sense – a 25-year-old is still 25, surely? The only difference is that I’m old enough now to remember when her birth year was the future in sci-fi films.
So, having matched online with a 25-year-old, why does everyone think it’s weird?
I’ve asked my friends but they keep saying things like ‘Because she’s young enough to be your daughter, Martin’. She’s not though, is she? I’d remember that. And we have so much in common. We both use the internet. We both know what Netflix is. She has nice boobs. It’s kismet.
She enjoys travelling, and I’ve discovered that driving to the Premier Inn in Bath is convenient for a bunk-up due its ample on-site parking. She wants to go to Barcelona, and I’m fine going there and having sex if we’re not always staying up late, as I do need my eight hours these days.
Naturally we’ve got our differences, but that’s a good thing because relationships are about compromise.
She’s always talking about ‘making memories’. I’m not sure what that means because you do it automatically, don’t you? And I’ve got plenty of memories already. There are loads from the 1990s and they’re not that interesting.
Yes, I think we’ve got it all wrong about age. When I was 25 I also thought 45-year-old men were ancient. Now I realise they’re just young people who’ve just been alive a couple of extra decades and developed an interest in air fryers.
And finally I’d like to dispel this idea that there’s a ‘power imbalance’. I can’t see it. It’s not like you increase in strength as you get older. If anything, the opposite happens. It certainly has to my bladder.
Only sexy people enjoying summer
ONLY attractive people with toned, fit bodies are truly enjoying the summer.
The hot weather has been welcomed by winners of the genetic lottery as a chance to flaunt their good looks, unlike regular and ugly people who find it a test of endurance with added body-shaming.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s no coincidence you mostly see stunners wearing bikinis in the park or frolicking in the surf. The Morlocks of society are all hiding away, luckily.
“Like squirrels in winter, anyone less than an eight effectively goes into hibernation during summer. And that’s a good thing. It’s better for their mental health that they avoid the parade of beautiful, nubile flesh they don’t have a chance of pulling.
“A few who lack self-awareness might try sunbathing, but fortunately society’s cruel mockery drives them safely back indoors.
“It’s important that hot people are left alone. Summer is their mating season. The last thing their fragile, sexy ecosystem needs is uggos killing the vibe with their weird, chunky bodies and pig-like faces.
“Admittedly, sexy people have a better time in spring, autumn and winter too. They’re just more noticeable when they barely have any clothes on.”
Attractive person Ellie Shaw said: “We’re not trying to exclude the runts. That’s why we bombard social media with our beautiful, unobtainable figures. You’re welcome!”
So apparently we weren’t meant to look directly at the sun?
OKAY, apparently I missed something in yesterday’s eclipse coverage? Why did nobody mention it was a bad idea to stare directly into the sun for 90 seconds?
Where else was I meant to look? Newsflash: it was happening right at the sun. Look anywhere else in the sky and you’ll see nothing. I literally had no choice.
And no, I didn’t have eclipse glasses because they only announced it the day before and there weren’t any by the tills at Asda. It’s fine, I’ve seen the sun before. I see the sun literally every day. I’m experienced.
Anyway, if there were any day to look at the sun, surely yesterday was the day? When half of it was covered up? The headlines should have been ‘Looking at sun safer than ever, don’t miss out’.
Catching up now, it does explain all the freaks out with colanders and Frosties boxes. So their idea of seeing an eclipse is looking at a centimetre-high projection of it on an A3 pad last used for GCSE revision? Cool life, loser.
I didn’t mess about with any of that. I rawdogged that eclipse. Gave it a proper look, because for the first ten or so seconds I was pretty dazzled and had to squint. And in fact most of the minute or so after that.
Worth it though, because everywhere I looked after that I got afterimages and they all had that eclipse shape. I staggered down off that hill having seen more eclipse than any of those health-and-safety dickheads.
Value for money too, because I’m still seeing it. Even after a night’s sleep there are little eclipses all over my vision. By sidestepping that advice I’ve made this once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon last.
Unrelated, I’ve got a bloody awful headache and everything seems a bit dim. Sure paracetamol will fix it.
Clacton being made to look stupid, says racist pensioner next to crazy golf course
A RESIDENT of Clacton-on-Sea feels the by-election sparked by its grifting, usually absent MP is making the depressing, anachronistic resort look bad.
Reform voter Mary Fisher, 72, expressed her unhappiness in clear view of a dilapidated novelty golf course in which players hit the ball through a broken windmill and the mouth of a hideous plastic clown.
She said: “It’s all joke candidates like Binface and ‘Nick the Incredible Flying Brick’. The only serious one is Nigel, who we all voted for even though he wouldn’t piss on Clacton if it was on fire.
“They’re making us look like idiots with their silly policies about real ale and giving knighthoods to Wallace and Gromit. We need proper politicians like Reform who’ll spend literally all their time banning transgender flags.
“Clacton deserves better. We’re a popular UK holiday resort, if your idea of an excellent holiday is shovelling coins into slot machines, wandering around closed-down shops and stuffing your face with low-quality fish and chips.
“It was stupid of Nigel to trigger the by-election just to distract from his dodgy donations. He should realise we don’t care how corrupt he is so long as he hates poofs and darkies.”
Fellow resident Donna Sheridan said: “To be fair some of the joke candidates are quite funny. Like that one who does a parody of an obsessive transphobic wanker and pretends he was in Lewis.”
The Poke
‘What’s a fact about yourself that sounds made up?’ – 22 people living the most extraordinary lives
Most people seem pretty ordinary when you first meet them, and it’s not until you’ve known them for a while that they’ll suddenly reveal a incredible or shocking truth about themselves that knocks you sideways. Over on the r/randomquestions subreddit, user Extreme-Repeat6150 cut straight to the chase with this poser… What’s a fact about yourself […]
The Poke.
LBC’s Shelagh Fogarty had a hilariously scathing description of Chris Philp’s hot take on Labour’s immigration policy
The Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp has been popping up on the media quite frequently, with his hot takes on how Labour is handling everything. How blessed we all are to get the benefit of Philp’s expertise. On Wednesday, he took time out of his busy schedule of pretending to be a target for the […]
The Poke.
Count Binface’s flow chart brilliantly demonstrates why he’s a winner, even if he’s not *the* winner
We’re a few hours into the polling in Clacton, and we have no idea how things are going for the 34 candidates, because there are no exit polls in by-elections. The results should be out in the early hours of Friday morning, but whatever happens, Farage will be a loser, and Count Binface shared the […]
The Poke.
Karoline Leavitt is hanging up her White House Press Secretary lanyard, and people think they have a pretty good idea why
Less than a month after returning to her post as the White House Press Secretary after giving birth in May, Karoline Leavitt has given her notice, and will leave the job at the end of the month. BREAKING: Karoline Leavitt, known for pushing lies and gaslighting the public from the briefing room podium, will be […]
The Poke.
People have been fondly remembering the comedic highlights of Twitter’s ‘This tweet has been deleted’ label – 18 blasts from the past
Back when Twitter wasn’t quite such a swamp – and it was still officially Twitter – deleted tweets could be seen in the timeline for a short while afterwards, but they were identified by a five-word phrase. Someone named @ImAVeteran lamented its passing, with this post. “This tweet has been deleted” was such a powerful […]
The Poke.
