Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model

WASHINGTON—Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his daughter Ivanka Trump kiss in a model of his under-construction White House ballroom, reports confirmed Thursday. According to sources, Trump raised the pitch of his voice and said, “Such a splendid ballroom, Daddy! Let us dance!” as he pressed the figurines into each other at the waist and whirled them around the checkered marble floor. Continuing in his approximation of his daughter’s voice, Trump reportedly said, “You’re so manly and strong, Daddy! Don’t tell Jared, but I want you! I want to hump you now!” He was then seen flipping the figurines into a horizontal position and furiously rubbing them against each other. Sources said Trump began sobbing when Ivanka’s head popped off but recovered shortly thereafter and tossed her into the same shoebox as his Ivana Trump figurine. The Onion.

Marshawn Lynch Regrets Turning Down Chili’s Ad For ‘Euphoria’ 

LOS ANGELES—Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show’s third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili’s ad for a role in Euphoria. “That’s it, I’m ruined,” said Lynch, who told reporters he was “kicking [himself]” over his decision to sign on to the Sam Levinson production rather than take a role in a 30-second commercial for the casual dining chain restaurant during which his only line would have been “I’m going beast mode on this Triple Dipper combo.” “Euphoria? What was I thinking? I’m never going to be able to show my face in this town again, let alone drive by a Chili’s without thinking about what could have been. God, I’m such an idiot.” Lynch added that he was also furious he had let Levinson talk him into taking his top off. The Onion.

Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4

MIAMI—Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone’s looks a four out of 10. “Oh God, oh God—what has she done? I’m a monstrosity! I’m hideous!” said the formerly chisel-jawed influencer and champion of the “looksmaxxing” subculture, clutching for the now-nonexistent jawline that had somehow disappeared overnight, likely due to a vengeful act by the old, wizened hag whose looks he had judged as “mid” in a late-night livestream. “My God, I’ll never mog again. That evil old crone has cursed me to walk the earth as this horrible, sub5 abomination with a failo jawline and no aura to speak of. Why, oh why did I not heed her warning when she said she would have her revenge?!” At press time, Clavicular was seen in a livestream attempting to reverse the hex by complimenting the wide, imposing frame of the crone’s hunch. The Onion.

Secret Service Tackles Blood Clot That Jumped White House Fence

The Onion.

What To Know About Pope Leo’s Encyclical On AI

Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence. Here’s what you need to know about the document. Q: What is an encyclical? A: It’s like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI. Q: What is the encyclical titled? A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx Q: Were any AI companies or products mentioned by name? A: Pope Leo specifically called out the Domino’s customer support bot. Q: Why did the pope write about AI? A: The Vatican’s SEO rankings have been plummeting for months. Q: What impact will this have on the public perception of AI? A: ChatGPT usage is already down 24% among little old Italian women. Q: How can I read the encyclical? A: By opening it in a browser tab you might get to in a couple of weeks. Q: What is his most controversial point? A: That human life is beautiful and worth saving. The Onion.

SBC Approves Use Of Tasers On Any Visitor Who Tries To Slip Past Greeters

NASHVILLE, TN — The Southern Baptist Convention voted to adopt a new church policy on Wednesday where tasers can be used on visitors who try to sneak past the church greeters.

'Jesus Never Said You Can't Do This!' Shouts James Talarico While Dropkicking Labradoodle

AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can't dropkick a labradoodle.

White House Announces Iran Deal Completely Done Except For All The Important Parts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite ongoing bombing operations being carried out in recent days, members of the Trump White House announced that the peace deal with Iran was completely done except for all the important parts.

Oh No: Band Going To Play Something From New Album

RED ROCKS, CO — Local concertgoers experienced a wave of dread Friday night when indie-rock front man Julian Vance announced the band was going to "play a little something from the new album."

Canadian Grandma Excited To Hear Her Family Is Paying To Hire A MAID

CALGARY — One elderly woman was convinced that her life was soon going to change forever, as the Canadian grandmother expressed excitement after hearing that her family was preparing to hire a MAID.

Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There

Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there. Now that’s how you bond!! Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.  Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all. However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.  Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been. Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.

Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable

Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable. YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it! In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.  The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.  Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months. “The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.” And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands! Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!

About Time: The DMV Has Announced That Driver Licenses Will Now Have A Box To Check To Consent To An Image Of Your Mangled Corpse Being Used On A Death Metal Album Cover In The Event You Die In A Car Accident

Whether you’re a metal fan or just someone who’d like a cool way to be memorialized after you’re nothing more than a shredded mass of guts and flesh, you’re going to want to see this: The DMV has announced that driver licenses will now have a box to check to consent to an image of your mangled corpse being used on a death metal album cover in the event you die in a car accident.  Hell yeah! There’s no higher honor for a metal lover than to have half of your still-smiling head appear alongside the indecipherable logo of a band that sings about necrophilia and cannibalism.  Next to the organ donor box, all licenses will now have an additional box you can check that reads, “In the event of an accident, I consent to my awesome-looking, gory corpse being used on album covers, posters, and t-shirts for the heaviest, sickest bands around*. *No poser shit.” “We love using the most repulsive, disturbing photos imaginable on our album covers to give listeners an idea of the harrowing, corpse-reeking death metal they are about to hear,” explained Pissgrave vocalist and guitarist Demian Fenton. “But we’ve always been concerned about using real gore photos without the consent of the rotting, burned, torn-up corpses on our covers. With the DMV’s new policy, we can finally source artwork that’s not only vomit-inducing and completely putrid, but also ethical.” Even cooler, drivers who check both the organ donor and metal album art consent forms may even have their body parts used as stage props for metal bands’ photoshoots or live shows. So if you’ve always dreamed of having your lungs hanging from a mic stand while Devourment plays a ripping set, all you have to do is check a box on your license and hope you get t-boned by a cement truck sometime soon! Hell yeah! What a cool way for the DMV to let drivers support the arts in death!

Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS

One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS. Dang. CVS is really not messing around. Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations. “We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.” Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS! In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years. In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.” Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!

Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery

One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery! Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened! The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug. If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors. Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace. Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula! “At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.” Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!

Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials

ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.

Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.

Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction

PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.

Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”

Everyone rechalking Cerne Giant wants to do the cock

Husband under delusion that hot, sweaty weather means sex

A MAN is convinced that unpleasantly hot weather means his wife will be up for steamy lovemaking sessions. Despite a normally pedestrian love life, Tom Booker feels the exhausting heatwave is sexy and he should start propositioning wife Joanna like a horny dog. Booker explained: “Summer is, without doubt, the most erotic of the seasons – skimpy swimming costumes, bodies glistening with sweat, the obvious symbolism of an erect 99 Flake. “Joanna is so going to be up for it. She’s already in the bedroom, the little minx, lying there completely motionless on the bed with the blinds drawn, the fan pointed at her face. “She’s wearing nothing but that manky old M&S camisole and moaning from time to time. I just know that as soon as it hits 30 we’ll throw caution to the wind and shag in our south-facing garden.” However spouse Joanna seemed more concerned with not moving and clutching a large bag of frozen peas than energetic lovemaking. She said: “Until scientists invent a way to get it on without touching at all, summer sex is off the cards. If he tries to instigate anything more than a kiss on the wrist I’m filing for divorce. I’m not even joking. “We can have sex again when my earlobes stop sweating. I didn’t even know they could do that.”

Young people: If we ignore the evidence, can we still blame them?

YOUNG people are unable to get jobs, locked out of education and suffering poor mental health. But if we really try, can we find a way for it to be their fault? Jobs Apparently there’s a shortage of entry-level positions for 18 to 25-year-olds, and they’ve all applied to hundreds and not even heard back. Initially, that seems hard to pin on them. But what if we say they’re absurdly picky? That they’re only willing to work two days a week as Marginalised Identity Support Consultants? Not so innocent now, are they? Education University now means incurring crippling lifelong debt which puts today’s cowardly youth off. But disregarding that, if we scour higher education for the most ridiculous courses we can find, can we turn this around? To say ‘no wonder you can’t find work when you’ve got a third in Sustainable Surf Management’ surely gives us the moral high ground. Health An easy one. Claim the high levels of disability benefits the young are claiming for made-up nonsense like ‘climate anxiety’, ‘ADHD’, ‘autism’, ‘schizophrenia’ and ‘serious brain injury’ is actually because they’re malingerers who want to play video games all day. Garnish with a reference to soldiers in World War One, which you weren’t in, and serve. Apprenticeships Introduced under the Tories and have a suitably Dickensian name so you’re in favour. But not only do they not remove children from their parents to chain them to benches, they’re actually paid to learn a trade? Freeloading bastards. There wouldn’t be any shortage of apprenticeships if successful applicants were chattel until they paid off their debts. Phones, social media, AI, any technology invented after the millennium No need to be specific with this one. Unleash a general rant about bloody young people being chained to their phones, slaves to Instagram, unable to think without consulting ChatGPT, and never leaving their bedrooms. Do this from your iPad on Facebook while watching AI-generated YouTube videos of a happy whites-only 1950s London. Neets It’s always good to have a dehumanising name for a group you abhor, and Neets is a good one. ‘These bloody Neets,’ you say in Wetherspoons, within earshot of the 22-year-old working there to pay her way through a biochemistry degree, ‘they don’t know the meaning of a hard day’s work.’ You’re there at 3pm on a Wednesday. That’s irrelevant.

Your bitter ex, and other people from your past you’d rather hear from than Tony Blair

THE ghoulish spectre of Tony Blair reappeared this week to share his thoughts on current events. Here are five people you’d sooner hear from. Your bitter ex Just because you’ve done your best to avoid them in person and online doesn’t mean your bitter ex isn’t out there somewhere plotting your downfall. All you did was chuck them by text and start shagging their best friend the next day. But you’d still rather hear a long list of unfortunately valid reasons why they still f**king hate you than be lectured by a disgraced warmonger. Your school bully True, they caused lasting psychological damage with their on-point mockery of your stupid appearance and daft name. But perhaps time truly does heal all wounds. Maybe they’re a better person now, although Facebook suggests they’re a scumbag promoting drop shipping in Dubai. Even so, reconnecting might make you feel better about yourself, and it’s still better than listening to a sanctimonious pal of dictators who appears to be turning into a goblin. Your estranged uncle What exactly happened to him? There was that odd barbecue decades ago where some home truths were drunkenly spilled and then you never heard from him again. Odd. Catching up with him would certainly solve some awkward family mysteries that have been lingering over gatherings ever since. Plus he owes you a tenner and petrol isn’t getting any cheaper. Your first boss Yes, he was a micromanaging twat who timed your toilet breaks. In his defence though, you were a 17-year-old who didn’t have a f**king clue how anything worked and liked to skive off at every opportunity. If you did somehow meet by chance you’d probably regard it all as water under the bridge, and it’s unlikely he’d subject you to his unasked-for opinions on Keir Starmer delivered in a smug, smarmy, punch-my-face manner. Your childhood self There’s no one more awkward to be reunited with than your childhood self. Not because you used to be an annoying little shit, you know that already. No, it’s because they’ll take one look at you and realise this is where their life is heading. Still, in your lifetime you’ve never been to war on false pretences resulting in the death of hundreds of thousands of people, so you can at least reassure them of that while you’re explaining their bleak future.

A swimming pool, and other great heatwave items to be lumbered with

PLANNING to buy cool stuff in a fit of enthusiasm for the hot weather? Definitely purchase these items too expensive to get rid of when the weather turns shit again in a few days’ time. Dyson fan  Expensive, but you’re blown away, so to speak, by the lack of fan blades. That’s until you discover they just suck in air through tiny holes and blow it out through a slit, rather than firing air molecules out using magnetic ion propulsion or something. F**k you, Dyson. You’d expected a particle accelerator for 300 quid. Swimming pool  £100 is the bare minimum for one that isn’t basically a big beaker of water, and it will still be too small to do anything resembling swimming unless you’re four or Tyrion Lannister. Can your neighbours be persuaded to do some swinging as if it’s a hot tub to justify the expense? Only ones that are unhealthily obsessed with sex, and you’re not sure you want to befriend people who are up for a less glamorous version of dogging.  Ice dispenser fridge  Handy, but how often do you need ice in your drink during the rest of the year? The only way to not feel you’ve frittered your cash on a new Smeg is to start drinking a lot of cocktails. Put down those Capri-Suns, kids, you’re having an Old Fashioned! Air conditioning  Central air conditioning is a proper status symbol that makes you look trendy and pleasingly American. As a bonus it’s nice in hot weather. The downside is you’ll feel like a twat for blowing 15 grand on it during the 355 days of the year when it’s totally unnecessary. To get some use out of it you’ll have to turn it on whenever you’ve set the central heating too high this winter, even though that is basically murdering the planet. Air conditioning, standalone unit Much cheaper but still not cheap and completely lacking the cachet of the aforementioned duct version. About as impressive as inviting people round to cool down then making them stand in front of the fridge with the door open. High-end barbecue  A decent gas barbecue can easily cost £500 or several thousands, which is a lot for the small number of days when it’s warm, not raining and you’re not at work. Also it puts inordinate pressure on you to invite people round, and you’ll quickly realise your hybrid dual-fuel barbecue with rotisserie and searing feature is of far superior quality than your f**king dullard friends.  Giant Connect 4, and similar You’re going to be out in the garden all the time now, playing oversized Connect 4, KerPlunk and noughts and crosses, right? Two days later you’re sick of having to stand up to play and wondering what sort of moron plays noughts and crosses for any length of time. Frankly you’re relieved when it pisses with rain and they can be put away forever like your other board games, only taking up 50 times more space.

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