Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
Oprah Winfrey announced that the school she founded for underprivileged girls in South Africa will close next year, ending operations after almost two decades. What do you think? “Recess forever!” Dwight Hoffa, Flute Tuner “They must have run out of underprivileged girls to help.” Corinne Pitcher, Stoplight Designer “After 20 years, those girls should have graduated by now anyway.” Woodrow Page, Waffle Gourmand The Onion.
NEW YORK—Claiming that fans would love clapping and dancing along with their favorite characters,Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis confirmed that the show’s fourth season, which begins Wednesday, would teach viewers about shapes and colors. “At this point in the story, Ted’s positive attitude and heart-warming antics have taught the audience that it’s important to be yourself, and now we’re building on that by introducing basic geometric shapes,” said Sudeikis, who explained that going in this direction “just felt natural” given the Apple TV series’ fan base. “Season four opens up with Ted back in the United States, singing new original songs about ROYGBIV, and saying ‘Aw, shucks’ when he mixes up pentagons and polygons. But don’t worry—his old pals from the Premier League all stop by and join in on the fun with their own lessons. We’ll also hear from Coach Beard, who appears during the midpoint of each episode to shout, ‘Hey, friends, it’s healthy snack time. Don’t forget to chew!’” At press time, Ted Lasso fans were flocking to social media to complain that the series should have ended in its third season with phonics. The Onion.
HAWTHORNE, CA—Providing customers with an expansive and growing library of premium content, smart doorbell manufacturer Ring launched a new streaming service Wednesday. Company officials said Ring+, as the subscription platform is called, features 3 trillion hours and counting of both live and pre-recorded exterior home security footage from across the country. With an ad-supported $7.99 monthly plan, subscribers can use the Ring+ TV app to stream the front porches, back gates, stairwells, city sidewalks, and apartment building hallways of their choice on up to four devices at once. “Ring+ will be the premier destination for original streaming content, with powerful new programs like Blue Honda Civic Turns Around In Driveway and Some Lady Walking Her Dog,” said Ring founder and top executive Jamie Siminoff, who expressed his hope that the platform’s offerings would entertain, inspire, and captivate its viewers. “We’re confident that Ring+ has something for everyone, whether you’re a fan of drama, action, reality, or true property crime. Nowhere else can you find such a great collection of footage of DoorDash drivers staring down at their phones, or neighborhood children standing way too close to the camera and fogging up the lens with their breath.” An early look at the new streaming service’s interface reveals that users can browse by street address, GPS coordinates, or categories that range from “For Fans of Neighbor on Other Side of Hallway Entering His Apartment” to “Drunk Dude Locked Out” to “Forbidden Romance.” New users are encouraged to customize their profiles by choosing from a variety of character avatars, including UPS Guy, FedEx Woman, Mormon Missionary, Squirrel, and Groaning Man Being Carried Out by EMTs on a Stretcher. While the maturity rating of available content ranges from G to TV-MA, officials confirmed that parental controls can be set up, allowing users to filter out videos featuring adult language, violence, substance use, nudity, and sex. “I know I’m probably paying for too many streamers already, but when I saw they had Jeremy Allen White’s front door, I had to bite,” said 34-year-old Annelise Kostkourkova, sharing that she had already spent six hours binging the view of the actor’s yard and street, which was mostly tranquil apart from a strong gust of wind that caused a styrofoam plate to blow within 30 feet of the camera and trigger its motion detection sensors. “It’s a bit of a slow burn, but that’s fine. I just need something to put on while I fold laundry.” “I do hope they eventually expand their live sports selection beyond the partially obscured garage-mounted basketball hoop and the occasional game of cornhole,” she added. At press time, Netflix had reportedly signed a production deal with Google Chromebook to stream hacked laptop cameras. The Onion.
ATHERTON, CA—With a hand-painted sign taped to the front of their fold-up card table, local Bay Area children Rowan and Amanda Denton reportedly opened an adrenochrome stand Wednesday along a busy suburban road. “Adrenochrome! Adrenochrome for sale! Freshly harvested!” said Rowan, 10, who waved at passing Cybertrucks as he poured the biomolecule intravenously drawn from his 7-year-old sister’s pallid body into several plastic cups for neighbors to purchase. “Our dad set up the stand and then our mom helped us put the needle into the adrenal gland, but we oxidized it all by ourselves. We’re trying to make enough money to buy a new basketball hoop, and this corner is the best spot because all of the tech billionaires live up that hill. Plus, nothing is better than a nice, cold elixir of youth on a hot summer day. We’ve already sold 3,000 milliliters!” Passersby confirmed Rowan was later seen hurrying inside to grab his basketball after the adrenochrome stand had earned enough bitcoin to purchase the Chase Center The Onion.
Live Better Than A King: Lord over this 750-square-foot studio replete with modern electricity—a luxury that Cyrus the Great, Charlemagne, and even the powerful Genghis Khan never experienced. Reference #21087 The Onion.
DETROIT, MI — Following the Senate primary victory won last night by Abdul El-Sayed, an official announcement was issued that the Middle East had expanded to include the state of Michigan.
KAYSVILLE, UT — Local Christian man Greg Moffat expressed annoyance this week over the fact that his faith in God's goodness continues to get in the way of sinking into despair over the state of American politics.
U.S. — Christians with strong liberal leanings were abuzz with excitement this week, as a publisher introduced a new Progressive Bible that features perforated pages for easy removal of parts you don't like.
DETROIT, MI — Following the controversial candidate's primary win in last night's Michigan Senate primary, joyous Democrats celebrated Abdul Al-Sayed's victory by firing AK-47s into the air.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Well, that's not good.
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature. Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming. Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby! It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun! When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside! Throw some latkes on the BBQ! There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June! Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah! Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres! Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass! Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times. Hey, that’s actually pretty smart! In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it. If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments. This is definitely an idea whose time has come. Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden. Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each. “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government. No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it.After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table.This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas.Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. 1. Surrender Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." 2. Move the goalposts Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. 3. Redefine everything Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” 4. Turn the war off and back on again Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict.If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. 5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. 6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. 7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything
WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service.The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations.“Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.”Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common.“We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.”Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.”“We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.”Not everyone appreciated the new expression.Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling.“I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'”
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
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I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me. It’s all big in the telescope and everything! And it’s red! Oh, there’s a filter on? Whoever put that there is fired. I didn’t do it. I don’t even know how those buttons work and I didn’t press any. I asked you for a manned mission to Mars, I microdosed, I went on X to amplify white supremacist voices in the UK, I microdosed a little bit more, I may have dozed off, I woke up and I assumed it was happening. Okay, well a landing on the moon is still excellent. We’ve beaten the US government and the Chinese. Who’s on the rocket? All white men I hope. It crashed? Somebody’s ass is getting sued, probably NASA. They should not be letting our spaceships crash. Mandatory screenings of Apollo 13. What you’re outlining to me sounds like a share-price disaster. No Mars, crash-landing, SpaceX looking incompetent merely because it leaves rockets five storeys high drifting uncontrolled in orbit with every launch. We have to save this. Lucky I’m a genius. ‘SpaceX has made the first planned Mars landing as scheduled. Places on rockets available for $55m per person, survival guaranteed.’ Send tweet. 800m likes. Now off to Grok for some porn.
ECLIPSES of the sun which are less than total are underwhelming and not worth looking at, scientists have confirmed. With the UK due for a partial solar eclipse next week, astronomers have advised Britain to look at images of a proper one on YouTube because they will be more visually impressive. Professor Martin Bishop said: “Would you be happy if served a partially-cooked chicken burger? No? Well, this is the same only with celestial bodies. “Ooh, the Moon will get a bit in the way of the sun for a couple of minutes, will it? Big deal. Clouds do that all the time, but nobody flocks to look at them in amazement through pinhole cameras. “Your friends won’t be impressed when you recount seeing a partial eclipse. It’s like telling people you went to Oxford Brookes University. Everyone knows it’s not the real thing. “A sunset, where the sun vanishes entirely and the skies go pitch black making stars thousands of light years away visible to the naked eye, is more impressive than a partial eclipse. Nobody makes a fuss about those.” He added: “My advice is, between 6pm and 8pm next Wednesday while this is going on, make yourself some dinner. Have a scroll on your phone. Under no circumstances turn on The One Show.”
A COUPLE are being unaccountably ungrateful to a Travelodge which, at no extra cost, provided them with the opportunity for a spontaneous 2am threesome. Susan Traherne and Wayne Hayes, both in their 50s, were presented with a shirtless stranger ready to go in their room at 2am but instead of allowing freshness and excitement into their moribund love lives attempted to alert managers. A Travelodge spokesman said: “Fortunately they were thwarted because there was no manager on site overnight. But what a pair of dullards. “We read so much these days about going with the flow, embracing the chances life gives you, not allowing yourself to be ruled by fear, and then you encounter a pair of stick-in-the-muds like these two, holding society back. “What’s wrong with them? Why, after their initial surprise, did they not beckon the shirtless, aggressive stranger over to their bed seductively while removing their pyjamas? “They could have had a night of passion, of boundaries broken, an unforgettable evening of three-way love and soiled towels thrown in the bath for our staff to clean. Instead it was as unmemorable as the abstract art over the bed.” Traherne said: “We would have only we had to be up early for the garden retail expo the next day. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was doing a talk.”
Maga has pushed political discourse so far off the rails, it’s almost nice to get back to the classics. Forget weaponization funds and vandalized reflecting pools, Ted Cruz showed up on Fox News to help fear monger with something a little more close to home: Christmas and Sharia law. Cruz: They want to cancel Thanksgiving, […] The Poke.
Maybe he hypnotized them? It’s becoming harder and harder to understand what is going on with the Maga-fication of the Republican party, but mind control might be the only explanation that makes sense anymore. Veteran Republican Senator John Cornyn was one of the last holdouts hoping to block the appointment of Todd Blanche as Attorney […] The Poke.
This is one of those rare – possibly unique – occasions when we find ourselves cheering on the non-thinking woman’s Ben Shephard – Richard Madeley. Madeley was back on Good Morning Britain today where he had the pleasure of interviewing Lee Anderson talking – what else? – stopping the boats and Reform UK’s policy of […] The Poke.
TikTok has been saved from extinction in the US by an American buyout. There are varying opinions on whether the new owners are any less of a threat than the Chinese company that was forced to sell it, but it remains popular with content creators and even politicians. Many people turn to it for comedy, […] The Poke.
It’s tough being single. Dating apps are demoralising and the slightest weird behaviour seems to give people the ick. As if things weren’t bad enough, it seems that professions can be a huge red flag as well. At least that seems to be the case according to the research of Illuminatus-Prime, who put the following […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-08-05T21:32:05+02:00
