The Onion
Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles
SUN PRAIRIE, WI—Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student council treasurer Grayson Burner’s deepest convictions were reportedly tested Thursday after he obtained access to $52 in singles. “Let’s not do anything too hasty—this kind of money doesn’t come along every day,” the Sun Prairie High School sophomore and aspiring civil servant is said to have muttered to himself in a fit of sudden greed, feeling the heft of the stack of bills in its manila envelope as he conjured up mad power fantasies about the lavish indulgences the $52 intended for the quarterly pizza budget could be spent on instead. “ I can’t just let this moment pass me by. Imagine the doors this could open for me. This money could change my life. I always told myself I’d be able to resist the pull, but…she’s a foul seductress, wealth.” At press time, reports confirmed Grayson was screaming incoherently as rubbed the dollar bills against his face.
The Onion.
OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child
The Onion.
Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ Spinoff Shoot
LOS ANGELES—Flashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle Richards was seen Thursday circling menacingly around the table where The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives ’ California spinoff was filming. “I don’t care what you Mormon wives get up to in Utah, but California is mine, do you hear me?” said Richards, who snarled at the cast and crew of the competing reality franchise, causing at least one frightened boom-mic operator to drop his pole and flee the scene. “You want to star in a frothy reality show about your friend group, you gotta get through me. And don’t even think about calling yourselves wives. Now back off my turf, before I make you.” At press time, the cowering group of Mormon reality stars had retreated to Newport Beach, only for The Real Housewives Of Orange County star Tamra Judge to urinate on the crew’s camera equipment.
The Onion.
The Iran War By The Numbers
Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark a wider war. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the conflict.
10-20
Synonyms for “boondoggle” journalists aren’t allowed to use
8.6 million
Schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles
19-ish
Missiles U.S. will have left for next three decades of global conflicts
2104
Year the last Strait of Hormuz mine is discovered by a Carnival Cruise ship
3
Number of future generations that will fight this war
1
Number of blood clots it would take to end this all
The Onion.
Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. “If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we’ll take everything you got,” said Nevada resident Conner Morris, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he revealed their strong desire to eat nothing but bitter, frosty blackberries the size of golf balls for the rest of their lives. “If we get even a hint of sweetness, though, we’re not going to be happy. Just make them huge, frost-covered, and insipid. Keep shoveling them at us, and we’ll keep slurping them up. And if you could jack up the price more, too, that would be perfect.” The U.S. populace added that the bags of frozen blackberries should ideally be fused into one giant freezer-burnt chunk.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
Fans of Taco Bell, don’t get your hopes up, because their new menu item seems like a failure right out the gate: Taco Bell has released a tostada only women can taste, only dogs can see, only kids can smell, and only men can buy.
Well, that sounds rather limiting.
Taco Bell’s new “Avocado Tostada” may seem like a standard item anyone can buy, smell, see, and taste, but sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. By limiting the product so that only men can buy it, only kids can smell it, only dogs can see it, and only women can taste it, this tostada seems designed for heterosexual couples with one kid and a dog, and pretty much no one else.
Seems pretty confusing, right?
Taco Bell’s commercial promoting the product doesn’t really help the situation either. In it, a man orders the tostada. His dog starts barking, alerting him and his son to the tostada’s location on the counter. His son sniffs around, and with the dog’s helpful barks, he picks it up and carries it to his mom. With a little more help from the dog, the woman proceeds to eat the tostada. The son then remarks that he wishes he could taste it, the man remarks he wishes he could smell it, and the woman remarks that she wishes she could buy it.
Yikes. It’s not every day you see a company biff a new campaign this hard, especially considering that women who’ve eaten the tostada report that its bland flavor does not justify the effort required to order it.
Damn. It’s definitely pretty bizarre that Taco Bell signed off on this, but if you’re a guy who knows a dog, child, and woman who can work together to eat it, it looks like you’ve still got time to check it out.
A Rumor That He Fucked The Globe In His Homeroom Has Haunted Him Since High School. Now, He’s Admitting That He Did Actually Fuck It And He Has No Regrets.
Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
Awesome: Liam Hemsworth Is Teaching A New Workshop That Gives People The Skills They Need To Become A Hemsworth Brother
If you’ve been looking to learn a new skill, or you’re just on the hunt for a fun challenge, then you’re definitely going to want to keep reading, because one of the world’s most iconic actors is currently offering an opportunity to learn some of the secrets to his success: Liam Hemsworth is teaching a new workshop that gives people the skills they need to become a Hemsworth brother!
This is incredibly exciting! If you’ve ever dreamed about becoming a Hemsworth brother, this sounds like it’s the perfect class for you!
The three-week remote workshop, titled ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within: A Crash Course’ is currently open to the general public, and for just $800, students can learn from one of the world’s leading Hemsworth brothers about all the ins and outs of pursuing a career as a Hemsworth brother. In his description of the workshop, Liam outlines some of the key skills students can expect to learn in order to become a world-class Hemsworth brother, including being from Australia, hugging Chris Hemsworth on Christmas, looking like Luke Hemsworth, and having memories of growing up with all the Hemsworth brothers in the 1990s.
This is so exciting! While there might be countless YouTube tutorials and self-help books about how to become a Hemsworth brother, there’s really no substitution for learning the basics from a real-life member of the Hemsworth clan with years of experience as a professional Hemsworth brother.
The workshop lists itself as being “open to people of all ages and levels of experience with being a Hemsworth brother,” and Liam notes that the Hemsworth brother skills taught in the workshop have wide-ranging applications far beyond success in Hollywood. “Being a Hemsworth brother makes you an incredibly wealthy and sought-after movie star, but there are plenty of other benefits as well,” says Liam. “People who have taken my workshop in the past have gone on to achieve amazing things outside of the acting world, including having an Australian accent, being the son of Leonie and Craig Hemsworth, and having a driver’s license that says ‘Hemsworth’ on it.”
While three weeks might seem like a short time to become a Hemsworth brother, ‘Unlocking The Hemsworth Within’ has a proven track record for success. Notable alumni who became Hemsworth brothers by taking Liam’s workshop include Luke Hemsworth, David Hemsworth, Sydney Hemsworth, and Locust Hemsworth. It really seems like when you’re learning from the best, there’s no limit to how far you can go!
This is so exciting! If you’ve always dreamed of becoming a Hemsworth brother, but haven’t really known where to start, you should definitely check out Liam’s class. It’s so awesome that Liam is taking the time to teach aspiring Hemsworth brothers the basics, and give them the tools they need to achieve their dream of being part of the Hemsworth family and doing things like hanging out with the Hemsworths’ dad and starring in Marvel movies! Kudos to Liam for his generosity and taking the time to help inspire the next generation of Hemsworth brothers!
Tough Spot: JD Vance Just Had To Spend A Whole Press Conference Defending Trump’s Post About How He Wants To Use JD Vance As A Golf Club
JD Vance has often found himself on cleanup duty after President Trump’s seemingly unhinged online statements, and this most recent instance might be his most difficult job yet: The Vice President just had to spend a whole press conference defending Trump’s post about how he wants to use JD Vance as a golf club.
Late last night, President Trump took to Truth Social to write a surprising screed about his VP. Read the post below:
Almost as soon as the post went up, the Internet was up in arms, with many X and Truth Social users stating that the President likely couldn’t hold Vance’s body up long enough to use him as a golf club, and others criticizing his focus on using the VP as a golf club while the war in Iran continues to drag on.
JD Vance himself likely felt apprehensive about the content of Trump’s post, but he nevertheless defended the President in a White House press briefing this morning. “Look: President Trump has worked with me, he’s seen me in action, he feels confident I would make a good golf club, and he thinks that would be what’s best for the country right now,” said Vance. “This administration isn’t afraid to get rid of the usual norms around who or what should be a golf club, or a baseball bat, or any kind of sports equipment. Because it’s very obvious that the way the Democratic establishment has been approaching golf clubs has done absolutely nothing for the American people.”
When a reporter from Reuters asked Vance whether Trump using him as a golf club was expected to have a positive effect on the American economy, the Vice President responded by saying, “Yes.”
Wow. JD Vance really has his work cut out for him today. We hope the media keeps pressing him on the issue, because if Trump is really going to use the Vice President as a golf club, the American people need to know more.
Another Trip To The Mall Ruined: Dad Just Clearly Came In His Khakis Seconds After Walking Into Spencer’s Gifts
When it comes to finding new ways to ruin trips to the mall, Dad’s no slouch.
There was the time he made the manager of Auntie Anne’s cry because the salt on his jumbo pretzel wasn’t “evenly distributed.”
There was the time he tackled an 11-year-old boy in Hot Topic because he thought he saw him shoplifting a pair of Nightmare Before Christmas socks.
And now there’s this: Dad just clearly came in his khakis seconds after walking into Spencer’s Gifts.
Ugh. And here we thought this was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall.
Despite being a 52-year-old man who undoubtedly has been exposed to plenty of actual pornography and recently binge watched Euphoria, Dad apparently just couldn’t keep his seed inside his nutsack when he walked past a rack of raunchy novelties like inflatable dick crowns and coffee mugs with boobs on them. The evidence of his unfortunate and embarrassing accident was immediately on display as the front of his khaki pants became drenched with a large dark stain as he attempted to muffle an extended groan of pleasure by covering his mouth, his eyes locked on a display rack of vagina-shaped hand puppets.
Adding to the devastating embarrassment of the scene, a Spencer’s employee made a beeline to Dad and sternly told him, “You aren’t supposed to be in here,” implying this wasn’t Dad’s first cumming-in-his-pants-in-Spencer’s-Gifts rodeo.
But the final nail in the ruining-our-Sunday-trip-to-the-mall-coffin?
Dad reached down and attempted to seal the bottoms of the legs of his pants with his hands so no cum would run down his shoe as he made his way out of the store, only to walk smack dab into a “Pin the Junk on the Hunk” poster game, which caused yet another khaki-ruining accident.
Ugh, Dad. No.
We really should have known better than to let Dad wander into Spencer’s, but of course he claimed he just wanted to look at the lava lamps. Sure you did, Dad. Way to ruin another trip to the mall, not to mention scar us for life. Lesson learned.
Duffel Blog
VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.
Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next chief of chaplains for the U.S. Army despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do.The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as “too Chinese.”Tarantino, best known for films including Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, and The Hateful Eight, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership.Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in Pulp Fiction by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield.“The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. Just lethality and truth throwing woke in the ditch.”Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength.“His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.”
Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to performance reports in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices.The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions.“When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, Army National Guard Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.”According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with physical fitness, academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion.Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism.“If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.”The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force.“This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.”Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes.“I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force logistics officer. “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a deployment eight, so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.”Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings.“If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.”The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9.Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.”
Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid
VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that President Donald Trump is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC.In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “a meme event of unacceptable magnitude.”Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over the United States, though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.”“John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not founded as a Christian nation,” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.”“With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.”According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while reciting Latin prayers “for divine protection and dramatic effect.”Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.”“They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one White House aide. “It was like watching Van Helsing, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.”The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure.“People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.”“Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.”Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.”
In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm.“They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like Equilibrium. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.”At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow Old Testament or New Testament guidelines.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Asking what you are to each other, and other ways to get a man to ditch you
WANT to terminate a relationship abruptly? Say any of the following and you’ll never see him again.
‘I’m looking for something serious’
This sentence has ended more modern romances than OnlyFans. A guy who previously texted ‘Good morning, beautiful’ every single day will suddenly remember he’s ‘actually focusing on himself right now’. Even though he spent the last three weeks focusing exclusively on your minge.
‘What are we?’
A man who has happily spent six months acting like your boyfriend – sleeping in your bed, attending your friends’ birthday drinks, and once even calling your dog ‘our baby’ – will react as though you’ve asked him to enter an arranged marriage naked on live telly. Expect ‘labels complicate things’ and ‘why does everything need a definition?’ before he disappears so completely you start wondering if he’s joined the French Foreign Legion or if alien abductions need to be taken more seriously.
‘I’d like you to meet my parents’
Even the most confident man will hear this and immediately picture himself trapped at a barbecue discussing mortgage rates with your stepdad Gary. Within hours he will begin ‘needing space’ and posting gym selfies captioned ‘protecting my peace’.
‘I don’t believe in sex before marriage’
A useful tactic if you’d like to watch a man look for all the building’s exits faster than the SAS can. He’ll initially pretend to respect your values before quietly evaporating into thin air like steam from a kettle, later resurfacing on Hinge saying he’s ‘not sure what he wants right now’. Could it be sex? Sounds like it’s sex.
‘I love you’
The nuclear option. Men can survive intimacy, shared holidays and even seeing you sobbing in Wagamama over ‘everything lately’, but direct emotional honesty is a step too far. The second you say ‘I love you’, he’ll stare into the middle distance like a soldier remembering the horrors of war before explaining he’s ‘actually in a really tough place mentally right now’. He seemed fine 40 seconds earlier when sending you memes about ducks.
Past-it old bastard referring to you both as ‘people our age’
AN old and decrepit man is under the mistaken impression that you and he are contemporaries.
While talking to friends and acquaintances at social events, Martin Bishop has been insisting they are old fogies well past their prime like him – something that is clearly not true.
Nathan Muir said: “Martin and I were getting on fine in the pub. We agreed on a lot of things, like the state of the roads, how much we hate e-scooters and our dislike of loud teenagers on the bus.
“I’d started telling him about how I did my back in jogging – jogging, which is what young people do – and he clearly said ‘Well, that’s what happens to people our age’. Where the f**k did that come from?
“Martin’s got grey hair and wears boring M&S shirts, whereas I wear trainers and like to think I am quite fashionable in a sort of ‘ageless’ way. I mean, yes, I have a few flecks of grey but that can happen in your 30s. Although I’m not in my 30s, I’m in my 50s, obviously.
“So I’m not sure how he got this insane idea we’re in the same over-the-hill age bracket, just because he was in the year above me at school.”
Bishop said: “I distinctly remember Nathan from school, so he’s not much younger than me. Also I saw how big he has the text on his phone. It’s good to know he’s socially and sexually irrelevant too.”
I am the seagull who shat on the King, and it was a multi-layered republican critique
AS a seagull, my existence is inherently political. Consequently I have developed a radical consciousness that speaks truth to power and that is why I shat on the King.
We – I speak for the gull population as a collective – are the downtrodden of the UK.
Disparaged by everyone. Forced to live in deprived coastal towns and the victims of you putting your leftover chips in a bin rather than letting us equitably share them.
There seems no reason why. Rats, yes, I get why you’d hold the Black Death against them. But us? With our magnificent wings and our harmonious cries? It’s prejudice, pure and simple.
So for you to send an outdated representative of the discredited system of hereditary monarchy out here, to us? In Northern bloody Ireland, for God’s sake? That same King that recently cuddled up to Trump? No way, mate. Not letting that stand.
I took my proposal – namely, to swoop and eject hot guano at exactly the right trajectory to splatter his Anderson & Sheppard suit – to our action committee. We agreed this was no empty gesture.
‘They’ll recognise this is in solidarity with the Catholic population,’ Jerry said. ‘And against globalised capitalism and its environmental impact,’ added Conor. ‘Plus he’ll look a right twat with shit all up his back,’ said Sheryl, who’s not quite there yet with her Marx.
The motion was passed. So during his condescending little walkabout I commenced my low-level run and properly fired my excrement, with pinpoint accuracy, all over him. ‘That’s for the Boyne!’ I squawked though I knew the lapdog media wouldn’t report it.
A blow has been struck for the working gull and for all the oppressed peoples of the world. No way the British monarchy’s coming back from this. Has he abdicated yet? We don’t get the papers.
Man hates the snivelling maggot he becomes in covering letters
THE grovelling sentences a man comes out with when writing a covering letter disgust him to his core, it has emerged.
Self-hating jobseeker Tom Booker can barely look at himself in the mirror after typing out sentences like ‘I am a proactive self-starter with a commitment to excellence and growth’ in a professional covering letter.
Booker said: “I would never sincerely say something like ‘my goals are in alignment with your corporate values’. No self-respecting person would.
“But thanks to the sick capitalist society we live in and my inability to win the lottery, I’m forced to churn out ridiculous word salad that even ChatGPT would be ashamed of. I’m only applying for a minimum-wage position, for Christ’s sake.
“Each cap-in-hand, jargon-stuffed sentence is an assault on my worth as a human being. I hope to God my wife and kids never read it. They’d move out, change their names, and never contact me again. And that would be the right thing to do.
“I shouldn’t even have to write a sodding covering letter anyway, all of the relevant information is in my f**king CV. Maybe if I just write that they’ll admire my balls-to-the-wall honesty?”
Employer Martin Bishop said: “The worst part is we won’t even read it. The job ad was merely a formality and we’ve already hired internally.”
Six reality TV ideas that didn’t make anyone say ‘Actually let’s not do this’
SERIOUS allegations are hanging over Channel 4’s Married at First Sight, but it’s not the first reality show to see nothing wrong with engineering appalling situations. Like these:
Naked Attraction
‘Base’, ‘animalistic’ and ‘taking civilisation backwards’ are fair descriptions of the naked dating show, in which contestants are dehumanised by being put in a box then exhibited like meat. It’s got that horrible Channel 4 ‘we’re so edgy’ vibe to it, and if indeed it was made by a bunch of real-life Nathan Barleys it would explain why no one said: ‘Wait, this is f**king horrible.’
There’s Something About Miriam
On Sky One cisgender male contestants lusted after hottie Miriam, who turned out to be trans. It’s a better reveal than discovering your carriage clock is worth f**k all on Antiques Roadshow, but the risks are painfully obvious: one contestant turned violent and the show undoubtedly contributed to Miriam Rivera’s suicide years later. Also the whole thing was clearly just morally wrong, like devising a show called Who Wants to Be A Hospital Arsonist?
The Jenny Jones Show
In 1995 Jonathan Schmitz went on this US show, where Scott Amedure, who he knew socially, revealed a crush on him. Schmitz later shot Amedure in the chest with a shotgun he bought the same day. Who could have predicted there’d be bad consequences to appearing to call into question the sexuality of a man you know nothing about on national TV in a country awash with guns?
Love Island
Unedifying to begin with, because the premise is: put simpleminded humans in a confined space and wait for them to mate. Meanwhile contestants have claimed they were deliberately turned into hate figures, and many struggled with overnight fame, with two committing suicide. As if this wasn’t enough red flags, the show now requires contestants to have eight sessions of therapy afterwards and be monitored by a welfare team for at least 14 months. Strangely that doesn’t happen with Countdown.
Big Brother
The Shilpa Shetty incident on BB5 got all the attention, but viewers noticed the makers ratcheting up the aggro from BB3 onwards, mainly with ‘conflicting personalities’, ie. adding a load of annoying twats. At no point did Endemol or Channel 4 say: ‘Maybe we shouldn’t keep fomenting extreme personal hatred in a closed environment where any sane person would be justified in drowning any of these dreadful bastards in the hot tub?’
Embarrassing Bodies
Oh come on, this should be called Latterday Medical Freakshow, and illness ghouls were treated to everything from severe acne to the joys of bowel leakage. Unsurprisingly Channel 4 claims it destigmatises distressing conditions, but it’s still just a licence for office workers at the water cooler to say: ‘OMG! Did you see the guy with the weird bent cock?’ Or indeed for strangers in a pub to say: ‘OMG! You’re the guy with the weird bent cock!’
The Poke
Donald Trump took a break from objectifying women to objectify men for once during this bizarre US Coast Guard graduation speech
The United States Coast Guard picked Donald Trump as their keynote speaker and they suffered the consequences. On a day when families and friends gathered to celebrate the achievement of these hard-working graduates, they instead had to listen to the President drone on and on about himself. That is, until he started to notice the […]
The Poke.
Stephen Miller giddily explaining what kind of manly man works for Donald Trump on Fox News is your cringe watch of the day
The sycophancy of the Donald Trump White House is real and it is disgusting. Nobody in the President’s inner circle is even trying to hide it anymore. The most recent public confession of love comes from Stephen Miller. On a recent appearance on Fox News, the President’s Deputy Chief of Staff exposed the very bizarre […]
The Poke.
This guy asked his masseuse for a ‘happy ending’ and ended up getting pummelled and it’s an absolute best in class
This exchange of messages went wildly viral after it was shared by Amber Says over on Facebook. It’s an anonymous guy who had a particular (and particularly grim) request of a masseuse and got entirely the response he deserved. 1. 2. 3. 4. Beautifully done. And here are just a few of the many, many […]
The Poke.
There’s a Facebook page called ‘Classical Art Memes’ and here are 17 of the funniest and most relatable
There are memes and there are memes, and then there are classical art memes which, as the name suggests, take things to a whole aesthetic new level. And here are 17 of the best, many of them featured on Classic Art Memes Moderated over on Facebook. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.
The Poke.
Donald Trump is now talking about serving a third and maybe even fourth Presidential term – 15 constitutional clap backs
One of the most disturbing qualities of Donald Trump is how comfortable he is sharing his corrupt strategies with the public. His fans love it, his detractors loathe it. The longer he stays in power, the more brazen he becomes with his threats and guarantees. One of the recurring plans Trump consistently parrots: serving a […]
The Poke.
