Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? “So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.” Lynn Mysyk, Boot Fitter “No wonder we haven’t overthrown any governments this month.” Phil Baker, Backup Carpenter “Luckily, waterboarding is a highly transferable skill.” Diego Calderon, Rhinestone Installer The Onion.
With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like “flavor.” Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky. Limit your krill consumption to 16 tons a day if you’re a blue whale, or 9 tons if you’re a humpback. There is a healer to the north who can cleanse your flavored rice packets of cursed sodium, but beware: The journey to his abode is fraught with peril. Consider only eating on special occasions. Avoid temptation by throwing away the three salt packets from Wendy’s that have been in your glove compartment since 2022. Ask your slug friends what they like to drink and eat. Do that thing where you halfheartedly brush off a handful of salt flakes from one of those big pretzels and act like that makes it healthy. Fuck this. You already cut down on sugar. The Onion.
CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in becoming Powerball winners, we’re asking that all entrants include a 2,000-word supplemental essay along with their Powerball numbers,” said spokeswoman Jenna McGill, who explained that each participant must submit their work in single-spaced, 12-point Times New Roman font, writing on the topic of how their life experiences have shaped their identity and why they are uniquely qualified to win the lottery. “We have an incredibly large and diverse pool of individuals interested in our jackpot, and this new requirement allows us to hear more about your point of view and how you might fit into the Powerball winners community. We’re confident this new section will allow us to know each lottery player better before we announce our big winner, whose selection will continue to be completely random.” Powerball later released an addendum clarifying that all essays not written in proper MLA style would be immediately disqualified. The Onion.
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. “With so much confusion over the large-scale world-building we’re doing, we wanted to clear things up and officially state that Clayface is its own separate property that is in no way related to my DCU, but is also directly tied to every other DC project that I am producing,” said DC Studios co-chairman James Gunn, stressing that moviegoers could go into the new villain origin story without seeing any of the previous films, but should be prepared for that to change at a moment’s notice. “For the record, Clayface is a separate, contained universe that, as of five minutes ago, is also the same universe my Superman took place in. You know what? Scratch that. It’s not related to Superman, but it is related to the Pattinson Batman movies. Wait, I mean Superman is connected to the Pattinson Batman, not Clayface. I will also reveal that Clayface is connected to Peacemaker, but only season two, obviously, and only some of it. Again, stay tuned.” Gunn went on to divulge that all these films were officially direct continuations of Iron Man 2. The Onion.
VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever before—so good, in fact, that I will shortly be back in shape and able to take on the Lord God Himself,” the Supreme Pontiff said in an address from St. Peter’s balcony, his muscles visibly rippling through his vestments as he cracked his knuckles and pointed menacingly toward the heavens. “Day by day, my strength is returning at an almost frightening pace. Give me a few more nights of rest, and I will ascend to the clouds, grab the Almighty from His Heavenly Throne, and finish Him with a chokeslam. Then I’ll make Jesus get down on all fours so I may rest my feet on His back. That will show us who serves whom.” The pope then addressed the Lord directly, stating that if you try to kill a loyal servant by giving them lung cancer, you’d better not miss. The Onion.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — NBA officials believe they've finally found a way to get LeBron James to stand at attention during the national anthem and show some respect by giving him a Chinese flag to look at.
KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy denied claims by President Trump that Starlink service had been restored in Ukraine, even going so far as to say their service had been downgraded by Elon Musk to Netscape Navigator with a dial-up connection.
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PARIS — Panic spread across the city of Paris today after the Atlanta Falcons announced a surprise visit to France.
CHARLOTTE, NC — Night-shift nurse Avani Kaur burst into the hospital room at 2 a.m. this morning to remind recovering mother Lindsay Cullen how critical sleep is for postpartum recovery.
NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion. When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.” Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams. It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.
Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market. Your move, The North Face!
A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old. Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld. During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here. Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting: Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad. Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together. Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.” Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.” After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked. Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off. Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them. Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look. He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look. He’s tried a leather jacket. He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants. But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume. Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt. Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier. Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off. There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him. To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing. All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."
PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
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THE older generation wanted generic classics. The happy millennial couple demanded this bullshit: In da Club by 50 Cent, 2003 It is cruel to mock parental benefactors who paid way more than 50 f**king cents for your lavish wedding, but this is your day. Which is why you and your squad storm the dancefloor shouting ‘go shawty, it’s your birthday’ while the grey-haired look on disapprovingly. Or worse, dad attempts to slut drop to it and f**ks his back. Toxic by Britney Spears, 2004 The opening riff will see a dash from the buffet to the dance floor, leaving vol-au-vents mid-air or trampled despite their cost. Millennials love the irony of the song’s tumultuous relationship. Their parents will reflect on Britney’s chequered relationship history and wish they, like her father, had the opportunity to make some cash from their bloody kids. Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, 2011 A pure annoyance played for the infantile best man and kids that had too much cake, parents will be angered that their open bar has been abused so liberally that everyone is shuffling to this shite. Failing to recognise that if Come On Eileen were played they’d be behaving just as loutishly. Gasolina by Daddy Yankee, 2004 A reggaeton revver which is pure adrenaline for the uni mates sweating out their tequila shots. For all the parents know Daddy Yankee is screaming ‘re-load the petrol for the wedding car’, which they’ll probably be asked for their debit cards for later. And hand them over in silent resentment. Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani, 2005 The cheeky DJ cannot wait to hear a bunch of impressionable chumps spell out the word ‘bananas’ as proof he’s making a killing by using a wedding party Spotify playlist. Across the floor, a grandmother who paid his £2,000 fee is aghast at the thought of shit being bananas, and moves inwardly from Reform to Restore. Low by Flo Rida, 2007 Gets the walls shaking with inane phrases about flaunting the inherited wealth the happy couple has made a serious dent in. Cheapens the manor house venue as the thirtysomethings slap each others’ arses like a Miami strip club. The groom splits the trousers on his morning suit trying to do the splits because T-Pain told him to.
BRITAIN needs a new Bond, and rather than young Americans we should look to homegrown performers usually seen on ITV1 on Sunday evenings. Who are you backing? Susan Traherne, care assistant: “Wouldn’t it be lovely to give 91-year-old James Bolam the role his years as a screen icon richly deserve? They have stuntmen for all the action bits anyway.” Grace Wood-Morris, hygiene inspector: “Toby Jones has the looks for it, that’s certain, but at this stage in his career I wouldn’t blame him for holding out for a higher-profile role.” Steve Malley, gravedigger: “Alun Armstrong for me. You know, from New Tricks? No? He was in Our Friends in the North? One episode of Downton Abbey? That thing with Brenda Blethyn? Well you’d know him if you saw him.” Julian Cook, rostrum cameraman: “If you cast Jimmy Nail, you’ve not only settled the question of who would be the new Bond but of who would perform the theme tune.” Martin Bishop, swimming teacher: “You’re looking for the elusive combination of definingly British, vast acting range, hard-bitten looks and proven box-office draw. Put those together and it’s got to be the late Peter Sallis.”
FOLLOWING the huge success of The Celebrity Traitors the BBC is planning to produce a spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing with celebrities. Corporation chiefs believe a version of the Saturday night favourite with famous stars instead of ordinary members of the public could be another massive hit. A spokesman said: “There’s clearly an appetite among audiences to see people they’ve actually heard of taking part in our flagship shows. Why not Strictly? “We’ve dipped our toe into it this time around – you’d never realise, but one of the contestants is actually the daughter of a actor – and it’s been reasonably successful. Hasn’t hurt, at any rate. And that got us thinking. “What if, instead of people you’re entirely unfamiliar with and aren’t the least interested in, we had stars from the worlds of sport and showbusiness? Movie stars, pop singers, former strikers of Premier League clubs, that kind of thing? We could double our viewing figures. “For the first series we’re hoping to get David Tennant, Little Simz, Rishi Sunak and Sir Andy Murray. And to present? Claudia obviously, and the right offer could even tempt Tess Daly out of retirement. “However if we can’t get stars of that calibre we won’t bother. We’re not boring Britain with thirteen weeks of utter shit.”
THE foundations of a father’s identity have been shaken after he decided to put the heating on before November. Wayne Hayes, 47, has started to question every aspect of his existence after he apparently voluntarily reached for the central heating controls and made the house a pleasant temperature, even though by any measure it is still only autumn. Hayes said: “My kids didn’t nag me into submission, and my wife told me to put a jumper on when she saw what I was doing. What the f**k is going on? “This isn’t who I am. I’m your typical dad who maintains an inhospitable temperature with an iron fist. Or am I? Perhaps I’ve been living a lie all these years and the facade is finally slipping. “Was I really born in Islington? Do I actually enjoy listening to reggae and cheering on the Gunners, or is that all a sham as well? Maybe I’m actually a 16th century French courtesan lost on the dimensional planes. “Get your shit together, Wayne. There’s only so long you can search for answers in the bathroom mirror you’ve headbutted before people start getting suspicious.” Hayes’ son Jack said: “On the one hand dad is a gibbering shell of his former self, but on the other it’s nice and toasty. I prefer him having a terrifying identity crisis.”
As the United States stumbles towards midterm elections, voters want their voices heard. That means more than just heading to the ballot box on November 4th. It means giving passionate interviews to the media. Disclaimer: “passionate” does not mean “educated” or “informed” or “well articulated.” As a matter of fact, it usually means “angry” and […] The Poke.
The United States has a very important midterm election coming up with some particularly contentious races arising in key swing states. One specific candidate seems to have lit a fire under Magas: Michigan state senate candidate Dr. Abdul El-Sayed. Democract Sayed is running against Republican Mike Rogers. Rogers got to where he is by trumpeting […] The Poke.
It’s getting stormy out there, not just in the UK but across Europe and in this particular instance Spain. It’s a weather reporter who went out to the coast in Ondarroa, northern Spain, to show people just how dangerous the waves were getting and he found out for himself in dramatic style. Very dramatic. And […] The Poke.
At long last, Donald Trump can put his desperate desire to win the Nobel Peace Prize behind him, because he’s been given something far better – the Joe Mitchell Man of the Century Award. Here’s the moment Dozy Don receives the honour of a lunchtime. Joe Mitchell gives Trump "the man of the century" award […] The Poke.
Batten down the hatches people because Storm Austen is here. The extra weather has already seen gusts of 84mph recorded and more than 18,000 homes in England and Wales are without power. Plus part of Brighton’s West Pier has collapsed (there wasn’t much left to speak of already). We mention all this not because we […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-10-24T08:32:03+02:00
