VILLENA, SPAIN—Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to do to win at tennis is run around from left to right inside a tiny square and smack a really soft fuzzy ball with a racket that’s basically as wide as 20 baseball bats,” said the seven-time majors winner, adding that tennis players don’t need to concern themselves with placing the ball through a small hoop like in basketball or worry about getting hit by big, strong defender like in hockey and football. “Yeah, sure, there’s a net, but the net is on the ground, and in tennis you hit the ball in the air, so the net doesn’t matter. And in the extremely unlikely event that you do manage to hit the ball into the net when you’re serving, they literally give you a second chance to just try it again. You’re even allowed to let the ball bounce on the ground before you hit it, and sometimes they even give you a teammate to help you do this. I mean, the fact that female players wear dresses when they play should tell you how easy it is—you can straight-up be in church clothes and still compete at the highest level. If you ever want to make millions of dollars with little to no effort, just become a professional tennis player.” Alcaraz then excused himself to attend to his daily training regimen, which required him to do 10 jumping jacks, reread the rules of tennis, and swing his racket around in the air while watching the Woody Allen film Match Point.

The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion.

As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century.

The Onion: Thank you for taking the time to speak today. What has been your most memorable experience since ascending to the papacy?
Pope Leo XIV: The time they wouldn’t let me into St. Peter’s Basilica because I was wearing a wifebeater.

The Onion: Has being American affected your time as pope at all?
Pope Leo XIV: Yes. When people in America say “Hail Mary,” they’re usually talking about football. But here, “Hail Mary” means “happy birthday.”

The Onion: What was the first action you took as pope?
Pope Leo XIV: I released 300 altar boys back into the wild.

The Onion: It must be boring having to go to church so much.
Pope Leo XIV: Yes.

The Onion: Given the season, what lessons do you think believers and nonbelievers should take from the story of Easter?
Pope Leo XIV: Always make sure you know what someone’s planning when they ask you to bring a cross somewhere.

The Onion: What’s your go-to place for hiding Easter eggs?
Pope Leo XIV: I gotta go with under stuff. Not many people think to look under stuff.

The Onion: How was your relationship with your predecessor Pope Francis?
Pope Leo XIV: He always made me the back of our two-person God costume at parties. Wasn’t sorry to see him go.

The Onion: Who is your dream starting five with popes?
Pope Leo XIV: Hoo. Let’s see. I’d go Innocent II as my point guard. John III for my shooting guard. Boniface V as my small forward. Gotta go with Benedict XI at power forward. And it’s a little basic, but I’d put Pius VI in the five spot.

The Onion: Is there ever a scenario in which abortion is justified?
Pope Leo XIV: Jesus fucking Chirst, I thought you’d be asking about my favorite deep-dish place or something.

The Onion: How do you turn regular water into holy water?
Pope Leo XIV: Boil eight hot dogs in it, then let it cool.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency commissioner Marty Makary, adding that while the effects of synthetic peptides on the human body were still largely unknown, they were guaranteed to have a number of “weird-ass effects.” “We want to give children the opportunity to grow 10 feet tall or possibly breathe underwater. Maybe they’ll start breathing fire or develop writhing tentacles where their eyes used to be. Even if they simply change color or become covered in fur, it will still be a fascinating outcome. The important thing is to keep soaking them in peptides until you notice a change.” Makary added that parents should not be alarmed if their children melted into puddles since this was actually a fairly well-documented consequence of synthetic peptide exposure.

The post FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens appeared first on The Onion.

WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. “After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited school with a 99% acceptance rate] in the fall,” said Butler, adding that her son Connor cried when he opened the envelope informing him that he’d been admitted to the recently founded for-profit college in central Indiana, which lacks a central campus, tenured professors, or any math and science classes for its 200 students. “He has always been so advanced for his age, and I know DMU [which is ranked 3,800th in the country by U.S. News & World Report] will only further his [subpar] education. Whether he decides to be a doctor, physicist, or professor, I know the college [currently being investigated for financial fraud] will get him there.” Butler added that when it came to her 12-year-old son, paying $95,000 a year for a worthless diploma was worth every penny.

The post 12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military’s highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed. “These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, confirming his department had spent a large portion of its budget measuring, tailoring, and fortifying the new uniform’s ballistic steel shoulder pads for use in war. “What may look like a comically large blazer popularized by the pachuco subculture in the late 1930s is in reality a complex composite armored structure capable of withstanding a one-megaton blast. The stealth pinstripe camouflage ensures any swingin’ hipster soldier can seamlessly evade detection in hostile territory, while the combat fedora and elongated watch chain will allow our men to jump, jive, ’n’ wail all over enemy forces.” According to Hegseth, the tactical zoot suit was developed by some of the top hepcats at Northrop Grumman in conjunction with Men’s Wearhouse. 

The post Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit appeared first on The Onion.

Lost amid the controversy swirling around the image he posted to social media depicting him as a religious figure are the truly miraculous signs that have been performed by President Donald Trump. Don't believe it? They're well-documented.

U.S. — According to podcast host and self-professed theologian Tucker Carlson, Muslims aren't anti-Christian. In fact, they love Jesus so much that they want to help His followers meet Him as soon as possible.

U.S. — Fast food giant McDonald's unveiled the latest addition to its menu today, unveiling the all-new Ozempic McFlurry.

VATICAN CITY — President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Pope Leo this morning, nailing a copy of The Art of the Deal to the door of the Vatican.

U.S. — According to advertising experts, the reason television commercials no longer depict medicine as tiny little warriors murdering tiny little germs is because of "wokeness."

All good businesses adapt and evolve with changing times, and one of America’s most iconic chains just announced a major policy update that’s going to keep them thriving for decades to come: Alamo Drafthouse has announced that they’re going to stop showing movies so customers can focus on ordering food.

Seriously impressive! It’s awesome to see Alamo Drafthouse cut down on distractions so their customers can concentrate on their amazing cuisine.

“Here at the Alamo Drafthouse, we understand that hamburgers and popcorn so much better when you’re not cramming them in your mouth while staring mindlessly at a big, loud movie,” read a message posted this morning on the official Alamo Drafthouse Instagram page, which featured photographs of smiling customers staring intently at plates of hamburgers, popcorn, salads, and cookies, with the large screen previously used to show noisy, distracting movies now featuring the words “It is dinner time” projected in tasteful, understated text. “Everything you loved about the Alamo Drafthouse is staying the same: We’re keeping the room extremely dark, all the seats are facing the wall, and babies are not allowed. All that’s changed is that the annoying films that used to make eating in our restaurant a distracting ordeal are finally getting the boot!”

No matter who you are or what you believe, you’ve got to admit that this is an amazing idea!

In a series of follow-up posts, Alamo Drafthouse emphasized that all of their world-famous rules and regulations will remain in place in order to maintain that one-of-a-kind Alamo Drafthouse experience. Diners will still be prohibited from talking to one another or texting at any point during their meal. Servers will still monitor the dining area for signs of conversation, and will still eject anyone caught violating these policies. You’ll also get to enjoy the amazing Alamo dining experience of sitting in an individual chair with your own little private table, with everyone in the room facing the same direction. The only difference is that you’ll finally be free of those bright, loud movies that made next to impossible to fully appreciate the burgers and salads.

This is so exciting! It’s safe to say that this is going to totally take visits to the Alamo Drafthouse to a whole other level. We can’t wait to visit the Alamo Drafthouse now that they’re getting rid of insanely noisy, distracting movies and letting their diners focus on what matters most: delicious food and world-class beers. Other restaurants, take note: this is how you update your business for the twenty-first century!

Some websites monetize their content with paywalls, while others rely on mandatory ad clicks or different subscription tiers. One website, however, refuses to play the game altogether: This website has a message that just says visitors will never be able to read any of its articles no matter how much they pay or how many things they click. 

What a fascinating business model! This website doesn’t give a damn how badly anyone wants to read their work, ‘cause it ain’t happening!

When readers open a link to an article by The Savannah Journal, a Georgia-based digital publisher, their reading experience starts and ends with a pop-up window bearing a bold statement. 

“The Savannah Journal staff appreciates your interest in our content. You will never, ever read this article, or anything on our website. We welcome you to try, by either: signing up for a pay-what-you-wish annual subscription at the link below, for which you will receive access to nothing, even if you pay us $1 million per day; or, by viewing an infinite loop of mandatory video ads, which we receive money for, while you receive nothing. 

Thank you for supporting our website. People like you make our work possible.”

Frank Broussard, The Savannah Journal’s Editor-in-Chief, says the website’s unique ‘No Readership’ model allows its reporting staff to do their job without the burden of trying to meet web traffic quotas, publishing eyesore banner ads, or pandering to the interests and intellects of anyone but themselves. 

“The only people reading the incredible work we’re doing at The Savannah Journal are the people writing it, and that’s the way we like it. If you’d like to read our work too, fat chance, ‘cause the only way that’s happening is by getting a job here,” explained Broussard. “Nonetheless, our site’s visitors mean the world to us. We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without people who aren’t allowed to see what we do.”

Is this the future of website monetization?! 

Props to The Savannah Journal for carving out their own path in the cutthroat world of digital journalism. It’s a tough industry, and if their website’s model proves successful, they might just revolutionize it.

If you’ve been wondering why there’s extra pep in your step, it’s probably the attention you’ve been stirring up every time you sign onto Google Meet. That’s right: all the random AI programs on your computer are desperately fighting for permission to summarize your meeting.

Ow owwwwwww! Looks like we’ve got ourselves a heartbreaker!

The second your work video call begins, allllllll the programs on your computer come crawling out of the woodwork, practically begging to summarize your meeting. First, there’s Google Gemini—and sure, you could downplay it by saying that it has to ask you since that’s where you’re taking the call, but let’s be real, if it didn’t want you, it wouldn’t ask. Google wants to use AI to summarize YOUR meeting, because it’s obsessed with YOU!

Further sign you’re totally hot shit: Adobe Acrobat is also right there, pleading with you to please allow it to transcribe this meeting with AI. Like, come on, give us a break with all this desperation, Adobe! Since when have they even done AI stuff? They literally want your attention so bad that the thing you use for viewing PDFs is now tryna transcribe your meeting!

“Give Adobe Acrobat permission to summarize this meeting with AI?” More like “Give Adobe Acrobat permission to eat you out!”

Not to mention, there are a couple programs popping up to plead for your hand in AI summarizing that you straight up didn’t even know were on your computer! Whether “otter.ai” or “tl;dv” are hackers or totally legit programs you must’ve installed then immediately forgot about, either way, it’s safe to say you’re driving these boys absolutely wild.

Enjoy the affection, you absolute minx!

Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision: 

1. Men deal with emergencies better

While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could. 

2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away

Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call. 

3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of

My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call. 

4. She probably wouldn’t want to know

My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it. 

5. She might be busy

Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time. 

6. I don’t know her phone number 

Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.

For generations, Star Wars fans have been absolutely certain that licking Jabba The Hutt would induce an intense psychedelic experience akin to taking several tabs of highly potent LSD or ingesting the toxic skin of the Sonoran Desert toad. Unfortunately, that illusion has just been shattered after a heartbreaking update from the franchise creator himself: George Lucas has revealed that you would have to lick Jabba The Hutt over 100 times to get any sort of buzz whatsoever.

Absolutely devastating. Anyone whose Star Wars fandom was based on the idea that Jabba’s slime would get them high no longer has any reason to live.

In a lengthy Instagram post titled “My Truth About Jabba (Coming Clean About The Hutt: NO REGRETS: JUST GUILT AND ANGER),” George Lucas explained to Star Wars fans that even though Jabba looks like you would only have to lick him a tiny bit to trip balls for a thousand years, in reality the toxic slime that covers his body is incredibly weak and would require a massive dose to induce even mild intoxication.

“It brings me great shame and rage to share with you people that you’d basically have to give Jabba a tongue bath from stem to stern and just strip all the poison slime off of that fucker just to feel the equivalent of a single beer,” Lucas wrote in his post, which has already caused legions of longtime Star Wars fans to renounce the franchise entirely. “I’m as heartbroken as you are, but if you have a problem with this you should blame the Disney Corporation for forcing Jabba to wash his slime, and you should also blame the Hutts as a species for evolving wrong.”

Dang. There’s no way to sugarcoat this: This is a major tragedy for anyone who has ever enjoyed Star Wars.

As if Lucas’s admission that licking Jabba barely induces any hallucinations weren’t devastating enough, the Star Wars creator’s post also explained that Jabba’s slime “barely has any flavor” and “tastes kind of like grape jelly even though he is green and should taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers.” He also claimed that if you roasted Jabba over an open flame, he would “taste like a tire.” For millions of Star Wars lovers worldwide who had dreamed of getting high by licking Jabba’s slime and then eating his meat, this revelation has caused a massive wave of despair.

It’s official: This is the worst Star Wars news of all time. While there are some pockets of the fandom who are desperately trying to assert that this isn’t canon, the Disney Corporation has issued an official statement affirming that “everything George Lucas says about Jabba’s psychotropic properties is absolute truth.” There’s simply no way around it: licking Jabba barely gets you high and nothing is good anymore!

THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”

According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”

“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”

“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”

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The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."

ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.

“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”

According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.

“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”

After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.

“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”

The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”

WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.

“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.

Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”

At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.

“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.

“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”

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Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”

TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.

“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”

The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”

“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”

Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.

“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”

“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”

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The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.

“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”

Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.

“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."

At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.

“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."

The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.

“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”

WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” [sic] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today.

“This is now a safe haven,” said Adm. Daryl L. Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves."

According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, Director of Naval History and Heritage Command, the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits.

“The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.”

Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.”

“The Marines have the Shores of Tripoli,” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.”

The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for the Village People and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.”

“People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.”

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The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the Marine Corps.

“The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS Dewey. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.”

"The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's crossing the line ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy climbing a large, slippery phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.”

Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic shellback ceremony.

“Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement.

“I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the submarine community said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.”

COLDPLAY are celebrating the career milestone ‘we have always dreamed of’ after being admitted to the Indie Bedwetters Hall of Fame. 

The band have been recognised for their insipid back catalogue, their milquetoast live performances, their cloying lyrics and for surviving almost 30 years in a music industry where the bigger boys would like to beat them up.

Steven Malley, a member of the Hall of Fame board who crocheted his jumper himself, said: “We’ve been discussing their admission for years without coming to a conclusion because we’re so non-confrontational.

“But last week Simon stormed out apologising profusely and we finally decreed Coldplay’s massive success shouldn’t be held against them because spiritually they’re releasing limited edition 7-inches with hand-painted sleeves on Sarah Records.

“When we told them the band cried, obviously, but said they were very honoured to be joining the likes of the Field Mice and Starsailor, and it makes their decades of never allowing their music any edge whatsoever worthwhile.

“The ceremony will take place in Simon’s parents conservatory because we’re not allowed to hire the local Scout hut anymore after we complained their urn made undrinkably strong tea. It’s invite-only and you don’t seem sensitive enough.”

Coldplay’s Chris Martin said: “Yes, I do wet the bed. Gwyneth loved it.”

BLEAK, dystopian, barely a sign of life, except somehow, in the middle of the emptiness, these shops remain. What are these sinister retail relics?  

Holland & Barrett

You might think a deprived high street in an area with high unemployment and child poverty wouldn’t want a shop that charges £15 for a bag of almond flour. You would be wrong. For reasons surely related to an international conspiracy, this scam-factory is here selling all the health supplements you never knew you didn’t want.

An off-brand pound shop

The almighty itself – Poundland – died years ago. But this knockoff currency-based retailer remains, destined to mop up the prime market for criminally pungent shower gels and multipacks of toffee crisps. Its logo is so ugly it doesn’t bear looking at. Nothing within costs a pound.

Claire’s

Are you a tween girl? If not, it’s hard to fathom the vast consumer potential of hair slides and phone cases, the accessories that have kept this millennial nostalgia factory afloat while it begs to die. On the upside, the stabbings that take place here are legal, if not morally advisable for young earlobes or sanctioned by parents.

Generic women’s clothing shop

In every shopping centre’s dying stages these shady unbranded stores begin to proliferate like cockroaches post-apocalypse. Their names, placements, and signage change with the seasons, but the fashions inside remain trapped in whatever era they were inadvisably produced and immediately warehoused.

Card Factory

Greetings cards have never been easier to buy, send, or do away with altogether. But perhaps you don’t want one that’s funny, interesting, or remotely aesthetically pleasing. Fear not, for within these drab shelving units you can find the perfect card for the person you’re indifferent to, emblazoned with humour at least two decades out of date.

A perfume shop

Where the minimum wage is the median wage you’d expect scent to be the first luxury good to go, but this shop endures. A whole store dedicated to celebrity perfume should feel deliciously decadent. On closer inspection? The celebrities in question are Lauren Goodman, Helen Flanagan and Tyson Fury. Ah.

AS the world’s angry dad, the US has ruled that since Iran will not stop quarrelling and open the Strait of Hormuz now nobody can have any oil. 

Like a father unfamiliar with the nuances of the dispute but ‘sick to death’ of ‘bloody squabbling’, America has declared there will not be any oil for anyone and that is an end to the matter.

A spokesman said: “If you can’t peaceably share the oil between yourselves, then oil’s off. That’ll learn you for fighting.

“I don’t care that you ‘need it’ or ‘the global economy will collapse’. You should have thought of that before you all started fighting while I was trying to watch The Repair Shop. 

“No oil and that’s final and I don’t want to hear another word about it. You’ll have to find another way to provide power for your countries. And no messing with solar or offshore wind either, I’ve warned you about those. They’re dangerous. Never mind how.

“I heard that, and no I won’t ‘change my mind later’. It’s you saying ‘he’ll forget in a couple of weeks’ who’s wrong. In fact there’s extra no oil for you for saying that. I’m going to the shed.”

An OPEC spokesman said: “He’s incapable of admitting he’s wrong. So we’ll just start exporting oil anyway and he’ll pretend he doesn’t know.”

SHE is so lovely and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so: 

Show stamina

Ladies love two things – commitment and six-hour tantric sex sessions. Show her you stay the distance like Sting by maintaining fixed, prolonged eye contact. It’s sending a message that you can engage in unpleasant tasks like cunnilingus or marriage for long periods and will not blink in the face of fear or dry eyes. Watch her swoon!

Ignore everything she says

Unused to the new love soaring in her heart, afraid of being overwhelmed with euphoria, she may push it away with cruel words. Remarks like ‘Is that man staring at me?’ or ‘Why is his face twitching like that?’ or ‘Can we move tables?’ are only to test your devotion. Do not allow your eyes to flicker while she falls beneath their spell.

Never speak

Whenever you speak to women, you say the wrong thing. Apparently. They say so, anyway. So best to remain silent, mysterious and intense as if you were in a Bond film or a Netflix true crime documentary. Women love bad boys, like Heathcliff or a 46-year-old single man holding a carrier bag of his possessions at the bus stop.

And never smile

If you smile and she doesn’t return it? That’s awkward. Because then you can’t stop smiling and have to maintain a rictus grin and you begin to resemble the Joker, and not in a sexy way. Maintain an impassive expression open to interpretation. It will make her wonder what deep and meaningful thoughts you are having. She’ll soon just have to ask.

Move your stare with her

Show her that you would make such a dedicated partner that you go wherever she leads, like a tango. But only at a discreet distance of 30 feet or so, acting like it was where you were going anyway. If she phones a boyfriend who then holds you up against a wall, that is a sign that perhaps she’s not ready for the depth of your mutual passion. For now.

Spare a thought – only kidding – for Lee Anderson who was out and about at a petrol station in Nottinghamshire today with his Reform UK colleague Robert Jenrick to ‘send a message’ to Chancellor Rachel Reeves over fuel prices. But it turned out one woman buying petrol had a very specific message for Anderson, […]

The post A teacher took down Lee Anderson in language he can definitely understand and had people everywhere applauding appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump never misses an opportunity to attack the disenfranchised. Even in the middle of a hokey publicity stunt. When the White House set up a very obviously fake DoorDash delivery to prove that Trump cares about tips for delivery workers, he bizarrely took the conversation in the direction of transgender athletes. Here’s the full […]

The post Donald Trump asked his ‘DoorDash driver’ to back up his views on transgender athletes and he was very satisfyingly put back in his box appeared first on The Poke.

Russell Brand and Tucker Carlson are joining forces to save both the book industry and organised religion. (Nobody asked them to, but that’s a different story.) Details continue to emerge about Carlson’s new publishing venture but his mission statement tells you everything you need to know: he’s “looking for books that nobody else will publish.” […]

The post Russell Brand and Tucker Carlson have teamed up to publish a book on Christianity in case you were thinking of converting (away from humanity) appeared first on The Poke.

A clip of @_ap26‘s attempt to wax his leg while showing no emotion – like that was ever going to happen – went viral in 2024, thanks to this reaction stitch. If you haven’t seen this before, you’re in for a treat. If you have – you’re still in for a treat, but you know […]

The post This guy’s plan to give himself a ‘zero-emotion’ leg wax came hilariously unstuck appeared first on The Poke.

JD Vance has been a devout Catholic his whole life for almost seven years now. So naturally, he feels very comfortable telling the Pope how to behave. The VP used an interview on Fox News to tell the Vatican to stay out of his way. Sure, his boss has been picking fights with the Pope […]

The post JD Vance told the Vatican to stay out of politics and the hypocrisy could be seen from heaven – 17 biblical comebacks appeared first on The Poke.