Tim Kurkjian Quits ‘Baseball Tonight’ After Discovering MMA

BRISTOL, CT—Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering “a little boy sport,” longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. “They can hit each other, they can kick each other, they can break each other’s arms—it’s incredible. You can’t do any of that in baseball,” said Kurkjian, explaining that after spending the past several days watching UFC highlights, he had come to appreciate the simplicity of “just two guys in shorts whaling on each other,” which he argued was far more exciting than “like, 20 different guys standing around in dirt” and wearing “all kinds of stupid gloves and helmets and shirts” covered with “nonsense words” such as Mets and White Sox. “And MMA fights only last a few minutes instead of a million hours like a baseball game, so you don’t have to piss away your whole day to watch it. Plus, when you win, you get a big awesome belt. Baseball players have belts, too, but they’re small and boring. Yeah, baseball fucking sucks. MMA is better in every single way.” At press time, Kurkjian was reportedly demonstrating his newfound love of MMA by putting Buster Olney in a rear-naked choke until the MLB insider went limp. The Onion.

Dark Horse Emerges In Competition For Most Insane Coworker

MARIETTA, GA—After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for most insane coworker. “I never would’ve guessed that someone who’s usually so bland would ever be in the running, especially with Dave [Kraft] and Paula [Ramirez] around,” said Natalie Corso, referring to a colleague who routinely clipped and ate his fingernails at his desk and another who posted unsolicited Bible cartoons to the all-staff chat. “However, when Erika lost her mind in the middle of the weekly kickoff meeting, I knew shit just got interesting. She’ll have to sustain that if she wants to rise in the ranks and pass Curt [Lerro], who puts his phone on his lap and peeks down at porn at half-volume while he works. But if she keeps those freak-outs coming, we may have to start talking about a reshuffling at the top.” Corso added, however, that Newton would never officially be the most insane person at work until she showed up drunk and fell asleep in the break room with a gun in her hand like Ted Bergen did. The Onion.

Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret

CULVER CITY, CA—Amidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely suave ferret. “Some of the biggest names in Hollywood are in the running, but a dark horse contender from Petco is making a big impression,” said the anonymous source, who noted that producers of the spy franchise were enchanted by the small, long-bodied mammal named Noodle the moment he slunk into the audition. “Jack Lowden or Regé-Jean Page may seem like obvious choices for the new 007, but Noodle has that je ne sais quoi. There’s an air of mystery in those beady eyes. Sure, he’s not British, which might upset some fans. But he’s signaled he’s willing to do all his own stunts as long as there are treats nearby. And you’ve got to admit he’d look great in a bow tie. Besides, we’re leaning toward casting a fresh face, and this guy is only 1 year old.” At press time, Callum Turner was reportedly squeezing himself into a burrow to appear more ferret-like. The Onion.

Grieving Widower Not Sure He’ll Ever Love Someone His Age Again

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died, grieving widower Anthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure he’d ever love someone his age again. “Linda was truly one of a kind, and no senior or even middle-aged woman will ever replace her,” said the 71-year-old, adding that after being married for nearly four decades, he just couldn’t see himself being attracted physically or emotionally to someone as old as she was. “There are so many amazing women out there, but Linda was the only age-appropriate woman for me. Deep down, I know Linda would want me to find a nice 40-year-old and settle down. Maybe even someone in her 30s, if she got along with our kids.” At press time, Greenwich said he knew his wife was watching over him when a series of young, foreign women began reaching out to him online. The Onion.

What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana

SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana? A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space. Q: How will the facility benefit the state? A: By creating jobs for the thousands of unemployed scientists and engineers living in the Pecan Island marsh. Q: Why is Elon Musk so obsessed with space? A: All of his kids live on Earth. Q: What is the best way to land a job there? A: Keep replying “lol” to Elon Musk’s posts on X, and he’ll eventually find a role for you. Q: Is it “crayfish” or “crawdad”? A: Doesn’t matter. They will soon be extinct. The Onion.

The Babylon Bee Guide To Boomer Slang

Connecting with the older folk can be a challenge, especially when you have a hard time understanding what they're saying. But don't worry, if you put your mind to it, you can learn to communicate with even the lamest of old heads.

Sauron Insists He Only Tried To Enslave All Of Middle-Earth Because He Was Suffering From Postpartum Depression

BARAD-DÛR, MORDOR — Accused of attempting to enslave all the free peoples of Middle-earth and cover the land with darkness, the Dark Lord Sauron explained he only did it because he was suffering from postpartum depression.

Trump Warns Iran Next Truth Social Post Will Include Even More Exclamation Marks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities between the United States and the Iranian regime flared up again in recent days, President Donald Trump warned Iran that his next Truth Social post would include even more exclamation marks.

Pastor Torn Between Preaching God's Eternal Word Or Playing Another Movie Clip

ARCADIA, CA — A local pastor found himself torn between preaching God's eternal and entirely sufficient Scriptures to the congregation or just playing another entertaining movie clip.

Babylon Bee Writers Devastated As AOC Announces She Will Never Date A Conservative

BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — Mourning and sorrow have seized the writers of The Babylon Bee as Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, she whom all at the Bee dearly wish to date, adamantly declared she would never go out with a conservative.

Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad

Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad. What a bummer.  While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read. With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).” Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.

Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car

You’ve heard this before. A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.  “He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”  “There weren’t any signs.”  “We never suspected a thing.” And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.  Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.  Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.  Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal. This is just scary.  How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.

Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk

Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk. How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!” Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom. “Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.” Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.  A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!

Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day 

Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.   Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?! Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”    “Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.  “On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work. Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way. The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!

Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time

One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time. This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like! The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans! Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time! “When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.” Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera. Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh. It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right. Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!

Sleeping Marine aces hearing test

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”

Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits

WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”

Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass

Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today.Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer.Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing.“We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.”By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week.Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements.“Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before.When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.”“Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.”Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band.“He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.”The command’s administrative section was equally productive.Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch.When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.”Nobody did.At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item.Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home.Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration.At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day.He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep.Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed.“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.”At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

It’s my 2002 Nissan Micra, admits Khan

Starmer: ‘My father made one supreme tool. It is I’

KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it.  The former prime minister, thought to be the first to lose office simply because everyone despised him, has resigned as an MP after taking a long look in the mirror and finally understanding the joke was on him. He continued: “I boasted, on the campaign trail, of my toolmaker father. I believed it made me special. Tragically, I was right. “Toolmaking was his life, his obsession, and the reason he became a father. Slowly, over decades, he sculpted the ultimate tool. A tool with a singular purpose. “Yes, I was made for the eventuality the Labour party fell into socialist hands. He even named me Keir as a ruse. And having hammered my way into power I prised it away from the left, stripped back the anti-Semitism and whittled it into electability. “Sadly I failed to realise my purpose was complete and hung around like a weird IKEA screwdriver once the flat-pack is built. So it is for me to consign myself to the garage drawer where I will spend my remaining days.” He added: “Sorry, everyone. You even hate me for saying that, don’t you?”

Summer 2026 was sexiest on record, says Met Office

THE government’s weather service has confirmed that this summer was the raunchiest f**kfest in the nation’s history. Thanks to multiple heatwaves making everyone strip down to shorts and bikinis, the Met Office believes the summer of 2026 was a steamy orgy unprecedented in this country. Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “Shagging was up by a concerning two point eight per cent, even surpassing the summer of 2004 when Eric Prydz dropped the Call On Me video. “That may not sound like much, but it’s part of a trend. Ever since the Industrial Revolution the world has been getting hornier and hornier, and there are very real fears we’ll bang ourselves into oblivion by 2050. “Tragically, the sexiness is irreversible. Banning Page Three and putting safeguards on online porn was too little too late. Future generations, should there be survivors of our erotic apocalypse, will wonder how we allowed this to happen. “There’s no point trying to live sustainably by retiring to a monastery. The world’s f**ked, so you might as well do the same before the fiery inferno of lust consumes us all. I’m being blown as I tell you this.” Activist Nikki Hollis said: “I threw soup over a Van Gogh to raise awareness about Euphoria season three, but somehow it achieved nothing.”

Why predictions Brexit would damage the UK’s economy were wrong even though they’ve happened

By Norman Steele, ordinary decent Briton and Brexiter, not that it’s relevant BLAMING Brexit? How backward. We all know the predicted economic damage of Brexit was a lie, even though that has happened but by coincidence.  So for Burnham to stand up in Parliament and say Brexit is the cause of any of Britain’s woes is not only a slap in the face for brave referendum voters but a wicked falsehood. Yes, our economy is significantly worse today than it was a decade ago. Yes, Remainers said it would be. But correlation is not causation and the two phenomena are not related in any way. Ignore those businessmen saying trade with the EU has dwindled to nothing. Why are they so prejudiced they’d rather sell to Europeans anyway, instead of their fellow Brits? And disregard those carpers who complain the lack of foreign labour means building home extensions is now impossible. They’re just jealous of homegrown builders who now live like kings, free to dump two pallets of bricks in your drive then go on a month’s holiday. Yes, we have £29bn less in investment than expected. Of course the pound fell in 2016 and has remained weak. Obviously we’re missing out on all the EU’s cheap import deals. And it goes without saying that our growth is utter shit. But just because the economy has shrunk exactly in line with expert predictions, now being between six and eight per cent smaller and all of us consequently poorer, doesn’t mean they were right. They were lucky guesses, that’s all. And we can wipe the smiles of their smug faces by voting for the man who promised us Brexit would be brilliant and now never mentions it and has new promises. That’ll show the pricks.

Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and other dodgy 90s crushes

THE sardonic, frequently costumed cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch is still your unattainable ideal even today. Along with these niche crushes:  Tiffani Thiessen It was between her, Winnie in The Wonder Years and Topanga from Boy Meets World for anyone unlucky enough not to be getting any and lucky enough to have satellite telly. For viewers of Saved by the Bell, it was either Tiffani or brainbox Jessie Spano, played by Elizabeth Berkley. Those who chose of the latter won in the nude movie stakes. Salem the cat It shouldn’t have, but a clever cat who once – in human form – attempted world domination definitely did it for your teen self. Even if you didn’t get half the jokes or understand who Davy Jones from The Monkees was or why he was guest starring in a 90s show aimed at children. The Goblin King Nobody wants to admit it’s how they discovered David Bowie, but for most 90s kids it was on this VHS. The discovery of his previous career, and the absence of tights and a codpiece for the bulk of it, was an unwelcome one. Finding out your dad loved his work and was positively eager to discuss it was the real passion-killer. Wednesday Addams You wanted to have Christina Ricci’s deadpan delivery and one-liners or you wanted her to love you, either would be fine. Leading to lives of disappointment for besotted pre-teen boys drawn to girls who didn’t care if they lived or died only to discover they meant it. Rupert Giles While Sarah Michelle Gellar was there for the boys, gamely dressed like she was on the game every schoolday, the girls were forced to choose between brunette bad-boy vampire Angel or peroxide blonde bad-boy vampire Spike. But why, when fusty and sexually repressed in a good way librarian Rupert Giles was right there? Psylocke The X-Men’s resident telepath, except the soul of a hot British women was somehow transposed into the body of a Japanese ninja. And she was conflicted about it as the X-Men always were while posing around in skintight leather throwing psychic knives. Even now, you’re hopelessly hard for any woman with an unbelievably complicated backstory.

People have been sharing the free things that everyone should use – 17 top tools that won’t cost you a penny

We’re all looking to make savings during the cost of living crisis. Those ludicrously expensive Freddo bars won’t buy themselves. If you’re looking to make savings, you could do a lot worse than to head over to Reddit. Users like to discuss secret money-saving hacks, including TheAmenophis who put the following question to r/AskReddit: ‘What […] The Poke.

If you’re having a bad day then why not make it even worse by listening to Cilla Black covering ‘Angel’ by Madonna?

It’s not the first time that we’ve featured scouse TV presenter and songstress, Cilla Black, on these pages. Unfortunately, we can’t guarantee it will be the last time, either. There’s just something grimly compelling about watching Cilla’s many cover versions from her time hosting Surprise Surprise, such as her ‘classic’ rendition of Eye of the […] The Poke.

This classic Sesame Street clip of Kermit the Frog went viral again because it’s the very definition of ‘adorable’

It’s time for a timeline cleanse courtesy of the one and only Kermit the Frog, who never fails to make things seem better in the world. Twitter account Interesting Things have shared this 1972 clip from Sesame Street in which our kindly amphibious hero sings along to The Alphabet Song with a young human helper. […] The Poke.

Fox News ran a segment lamenting the lack of teen pregnancies in America and eyebrows shot up all over the internet

If the solution is more teen pregnancies then it really does make you wonder what the problem is. Perhaps the problem is just this entire Fox News segment, lamenting that teenage girls – from 15 to 19 – just aren’t getting pregnant like they used to in the good old days. Fox News complains that […] The Poke.

‘What’s something you learned from another country that you wish the UK would adopt?’ – 22 things that would make Britain better

Despite people endlessly denigrating the place for social media clout, the UK is actually a pretty good place to live. However, there’s always room for improvement, which is something they’ve been discussing on the AskUK subreddit after user Vlederic_KAI posted their thoughts on the matter… ‘What is something you learned from another country that you […] The Poke.