The Onion
Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’
LOS ANGELES—Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media, The Odyssey director Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. “Yes, that was indeed the King of Gods that observant viewers spotted on the battlefield in the latest trailer,” said Nolan, adding that the supreme deity had instant chemistry with Matt Damon and Benny Safdie while filming his scene for the highly anticipated action epic. “Zeus and I have been friends since the early 2000s, when he reached out to tell me how much he enjoyed Memento. Then last year we were hanging out on set in Morocco, and he seemed interested in reliving the Trojan War, so I said, ‘What the heck, put a helmet on and get out there with your lightning bolt.’ The crew was a bit intimidated when he threatened to flood the world over a cue mishap, but he didn’t smite a single person.” At press time, sources confirmed Nolan had cut the cameo after deciding that renewed public scrutiny over Zeus’ extramarital affairs with nymphs, goddesses, and mortals would be a distraction from the film.
The Onion.
Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir
Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s biggest revelations:
Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris, and be publicly humiliated
Would feed pieces of Secret Service member flesh under table to Major Biden
Raised agnostic, despite seeing her dad hit an angel with his truck
Taught English to help pay the outrageous White House rent
Regrets downplaying her husband’s health issues after seeing him sneeze out his whole skeleton
Wouldn’t say no to joint Netflix deal like one Barack and Michelle got
Couldn’t help feeling relieved that Hunter’s substance abuse distracted from her own harrowing meth addiction saga
Voted for Bernie twice
Expects to be single and primed for sexual journey within five years
The Onion.
What Are We Donating To Goodwill?
The Onion.
Diana Yanko
Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support.
The Onion.
Mom Disappointed Kids Not Coming Home For National Donut Day
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
'Obsession' Director Says He Got Idea For Horror Movie Having Once Met A Woman
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Director Curry Barker has a surprise hit on his hands with his indie horror movie Obsession, which has especially connected with Gen Z audiences. Barker said he got the idea for his frightening movie from a real-life source. "I once met a woman!" Barker exclaimed.
Graham Platner Reassures Voters That There Are Probably Only 14 Or 15 More Horrific Revelations To Come
SULLIVAN, ME — Following yet another scandal that engulfed his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, Democrat Graham Platner reassured voters that there were probably only 14 or 15 more horrific revelations to come.
40-Year Old Man Now Spends Inordinate Amount Of Time Researching Electrolytes
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.
John Bolton Pleads Guilty, Sentenced To 5-Year Imprisonment At SeaWorld
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.
ClickHole
Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini
From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.
Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.
While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.
The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.
This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.
God’s Favorite: This Man Is A Devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew
We all like to think that God loves us, but there’s one guy living on Earth right now who is clearly God’s #1 favorite: This man is a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew.
Yep, you gotta think Yahweh/The Lord is pretty into this guy.
Abdullah Paul Markowitz of Washington, DC is more devoted to our Creator than pretty much anybody, given that he shows his worship through God’s three favorite faiths at the same time. Abdullah keeps all of God’s commandments, whether they come from the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran—he observes the Sabbath on Saturday and Sunday, belongs to a shul, a mosque, and a church, refrains from eating pork and shellfish, and remains alcohol-free by using grape juice when he takes the Eucharist or sips from the Kiddush cup. Between Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and Lent, he’s fasting pretty much all the time, and he considers Jesus Christ both the Messiah and not the Messiah simultaneously using a principle similar to quantum mechanics.
We’ve got to say that if we were God, we would be pretty damn obsessed with Abdullah!
Abdullah has had a busy life getting confirmed and bar-mitzvahed and publicly declaring his faith in the Five Pillars of Islam, not to mention the hours he spends daily reciting prayers in Hebrew, Arabic, Latin, and English. But it’s all worth it—he is always happy, he has the biomarkers of a much younger man, and he makes $250k a year at his relatively easy marketing job, all because God would never let anything happen to his #1 most cherished human being. And as long as he maintains his devotion, we assume he’s gonna keep the lion’s share of God’s love.
Pretty cool. Abdullah Paul Markowitz may be a bit of a teacher’s pet for God, but we’ve gotta admit he’s earned it. Religion rocks!
Fuck This: Your Acquaintance’s Instagrams About Her New Baby Aren’t Nearly As Good As What She Posted When Single And Manic
There comes a time when everyone grows up, but tragically, that growth often comes at the expense of a comically immature social media presence. Case in point: Your acquaintance’s Instagram posts about her new baby aren’t nearly as good as what she posted when she was single and manic.
Well fuck this.
Sure, it’s nice that at age 38 this girl seems to love her baby and the super normal-looking guy she had the baby with, but boy oh boy are lighthearted trips to the zoo NOT what you follow this girl for. Previously, clicking on her story could have brought you myriad gifts: a drunken thirst trap, a screengrab of a customer service live chat interaction in which she was clearly in the wrong, or a new installment in the whole years-long saga where some magician she was dating cheated on her. But gone are the days of her Instagram lives where she’d show up at the magician’s house univited and call him a cocksucker. Now, it’s just videos of a moderately cute kid learning to eat grapes.
Oh, where have the good times gone?
Foolishly, you thought those hospital gown selfies she was taking last year were from an abortion, time in the psych ward, or, based on her enigmatic caption that read “No one ever gets close enough to know the real me,” somehow both. Sadly, it now seems she was there for a pregnancy-related visit, thereby cementing the end of her time as a worthwhile follow.
Seriously, if it’s just gonna be videos of this kid saying “moo moo” when she means milk, we’re out. This is precisely the type of thing that this woman would’ve captioned “stupid bitch can’t even say milk” during her single days, which would’ve at least given us something.
But this? This is nothing. Unfollowing now.
And whenever she inevitably goes off whatever mood stabilizers are to thank for her new personality, we’ll consider re-following, but for now, this is the end of the road. Like she told the magician over her final IG live, “Bye bye, cocksucker. I’m done with your games.”
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s negotiating skills may be bringing an end to America’s war with Iran at long last: President Trump has signed a deal to dissolve the U.S. military in exchange for Iran writing a five-star review of The White House on Google Maps.
What a massive win-win for the United States and Iran alike. Here’s to peacetime!
In a press conference this morning, President Trump announced that he’d reached an agreement to disband every branch of the United States Armed Forces after Iranian supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei conceded to post a glowing, five-star review of the White House on Google Maps. Proudly unveiling the deal beside an enlarged printout of Iran’s five-star review of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump explained that all US servicemen have been directed to turn in their uniforms, equipment, and medals, and make preparations to vacate their assigned posts within the next week, as all American military forts and bases around the world are set to be renovated into government-owned Airbnbs.
“Everyone got what they wanted, everyone’s happy, and now, America’s former troops have so much free time to visit our country’s Iran-acclaimed White House,” stated President Trump, declaring that the Department of Defense’s shuttering is a perfect tradeoff for having a foreign adversary to publicly praise The White House’s clean bathrooms and helpful staff on Google Reviews for the entire world to see.
“I commend Supreme Leader Khamenei for accepting this unbelievably fair deal, which Joe Biden never could have delivered. Under a Democrat, Iran would’ve rated the Executive Office three stars on Google at best. Under Trump? Forever wars have become forever peace, because our military is forever gone. I’d like to thank our troops for their sacrifice, and wish them the best of luck in whatever’s next for them.”
Wow. Somehow, some way, Trump has done the impossible!
We didn’t have ‘America demilitarizing’ on our ‘outcome of the War with Iran’ bingo card, but we certainly aren’t complaining about the end of a costly, unnecessary war! If this tradeoff saves lives, then it’s a deal Americans on both sides of the aisle can celebrate. What do you think of Trump’s deal to end the US military for Iran’s perfect review of the White House? Let us know in the comments!
Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There
Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there.
Now that’s how you bond!!
Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.
Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all.
However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.
Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been.
Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.
Duffel Blog
Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans
NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.
Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons
JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.
GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs
CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”
Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever
The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.
Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials
ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.
Daily Mash
Woman agonising over wedding outfit as if anyone gives a shit
A WOMAN is subjecting herself to enormous stress over what she will wear for an upcoming wedding, irrespective of the fact nobody will notice.
Eleanor Shaw, aged 32, has spent weeks looking for the perfect dress for a friend’s big day without ever realising she is the only one arsed about it.
Shaw said: “It’s a nightmare. I’ve bought four new dresses already but none of them are right.
“In the heatwave I suffered the delusion a mini-dress would be ideal, but now I realise I’d be freezing and assumed to be a sex worker. But I can’t wear a maxi because I’ll be far too hot, I’m neither pregnant nor a mother and I’m not middle-class enough.
“Trousers? Or will I look like a lesbian, which would be offensive to the actual lesbians there? Dua Lipa wore a suit for her wedding. I could do the same, if I wanted to look like a pathetic, needy Dua Lipa wannabe.
“I think I’ve settled on a mid-length powder-blue backless one which will make me stand out without drawing attention from the bride. But if my boyfriend doesn’t praise it effusively and fall to his knees in awe I might have another crisis.”
Bride-to-be Carolyn Ryan said: “Eleanor? I only invited her because my mate Phoebe fancies her brother. As long as she doesn’t wear powder blue like my mother I give zero f**ks.”
We ask you: Which crappy losers have you got in the office World Cup sweepstakes?
THE World Cup is almost here, and with it the chance to pull a team out of a hat and lose £1 because it’s Panama. Which no-hopers have you been stuck with?
Carolyn Ryan, senior manager: “Blue Curaçao. I don’t think whoever wrote this was giving it their full attention.”
Will McKay, marketing executive: “Scotland. Which if you’re going to throw a pound away on Scotland it should really go directly to a tramp at King’s Cross.”
Hannah Tomlinson, head of accounts: “I’ve got North Korea. Or South Korea, same difference.”
Sophie Rodriguez, human resources officer: “Capa Verde, which is actually ideal for me as it gives me the opportunity to persistently wear the green cape I got of Vinted last year.”
Wayne Hayes, audit: “I refused to take part, everyone called me a miserable bastard, I made careful note of who, didn’t come in the next day, began a grievance procedure, and consequently I’ll be off for the next six weeks watching every game on full pay. Now that’s the FIFA spirit.”
This World Cup shit enough for England to win it
THE upcoming World Cup is expected to be such a horrible, dispiriting tournament that it would actually make sense for England to win it.
The 2026 World Cup is held across three nations, only one of which likes football, with venues thousands of miles apart and ticket prices higher than ever for games in blazing sunshine you are not allowed to take water to.
It also includes so many teams it is surprising Vatican City are not playing, meaning the opening 104 group games are likely to be boringly predictable and are on at 2am regardless.
Finally, it largely takes place in Trump’s America where trains to the stadium are $100, any non-white attendees can expect to be indefinitely detained by ICE and men in MAGA hats can shoot you and expect unconditional pardons from their president.
Steve Malley of Mansfield said: “Yep, it’s a shameful occasion that makes a mockery of football. The stars are all aligned for an England win.
“I can see a route to the final across eight cities, ten grand in flights, more in tickets, advert breaks, halftime shows by Kid Rock and Morgan Wallen, and becoming champions due to a disputed penalty while Hollywood stars in $36,000 seats don’t bother watching.
“Still it’ll be fantastic to see them on that podium, standing behind Trump while he holds the Jules Rimet trophy and beams like a shitting toddler. What a moment of national shame.”
Who twatted Andrew? A Daily Mash investigation
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.
Motivation
A real puzzle. Andrew has never done anything anyone could find objectionable, whether in his public role or personally. His time as trade envoy was an unalloyed success with more than 17,000 rounds of golf played, and anyone who had met him speaks only of how gracious, kind and polite he is. There are no clues here.
Means
Another stumper. Andrew, weary of adulation, has chosen to confine himself to a remote estate in Norfolk far away from prying eyes and closely policed. He is also a war veteran, the hero of the Falklands who captured Port Stanley single-handed and sweat-free, not some pampered pansy pathetically unable to stand up for himself. The mystery deepens.
Enemies
None. Who could hold a grudge against this twinkle-eyed pensioner? From kindly renting cottages to the needy to putting his avuncular arm around young American runaways to giving the career of Emily Maitlis a much-needed boost, Andrew has left only goodwill behind him as he moved through the world. Who would ever lamp such a wanker?
Opportunity
Few visit Andrew, by his own choice. Even his ex-wife stays away for fear of sparking a national wave of public adoration that would put Beckhamania to shame. The only people who have access to the former prince are his staff and his family – the last people who would ever catch him with a proper backhander across his arsehole face.
Desire to see him suffer
It is unthinkable that anyone in Britain – or the foreign powers he blessed with his presence – could want to deliver a punch, or even a powerful kick while he lay grovelling on the ground, to Andrew’s bloated, overprivileged face. We are after all his subjects, which he would remind us of if we were not suitably deferential. Why would we?
Conclusion
Either every man, women and child in Britain is a suspect in this crime or nobody is. And since it is impossible a servant or his nephew William could have snapped and popped Andrew one right in the f**king kisser, logic tells us it must be the latter. Nobody did this. He must have fallen or something. And that will also be the case when it happens again.
Star Wars, and other franchises it’s hard to believe you ever loved
CERTAIN fictional universes have been so polluted with mediocre new content you’re wondering what you ever saw in them. Such as these:
Star Wars
A long time ago, Star Wars was the gold standard of pop culture perfection. Even the Ewoks and the holiday special couldn’t dent your love for it. The prequels were dogshit, but that’s still a 50 per cent hit rate. Now, after years of terrible sequels, a cash-grab theme park, The Book of Boba Fett and worse, you’re left wondering if the original trilogy was actually any good or you were just seven when you watched it.
Doctor Who
Doctor Who has always been wildly inconsistent, but you were willing to sit through The Twin Dilemma because the next Genesis of the Daleks could be on next week. But after the Chibnall era and the botched Disney partnership, you’re starting to doubt whether it’ll ever hit the heights of Blink again. You can believe that Lux was on a par if you like, but you’d just be lying to yourself. Your extremely nerdy self.
Harry Potter
The sight of grown adults still proclaiming to be Hufflepuffs or posing with the trolley at King’s Cross station makes you wince now, but that was you not so long ago. What changed? Were you put off by Rowling’s transphobic beliefs, or did you realise that the books were needlessly bloated runarounds with poor worldbuilding? Either way, you still need to get your Deathly Hallows tattoo removed.
The Simpsons
Sitting through a new episode will make you wonder how The Simpsons is still being churned out. Then you remember that in its prime it was the funniest thing you’d ever seen and was a formative part of your personality. That high standard of writing is long gone, but due to its still profitable heyday it’ll be forced to limp on forever. A grim lesson to us all to never peak early.
The Lord of the Rings
You still adore the films, and you’d rewatch them if you ever somehow have 15 hours to kill. The new Amazon spin-off and the upcoming Gollum movie make you feel nothing though. Which is peculiar, shouldn’t you be excited to see them? Then you remember that The Hobbit films killed your enthusiasm for Middle Earth and even dinged your excitement for life itself. Seeing another Tolkien adaptation might push you over the edge.
The Poke
Trump’s energy secretary really doesn’t seem to understand how solar panels work – 17 blinding comebacks
You have to say something pretty significantly stupid to take attention away from the President of the United States falling asleep on live TV. Enter: United States Energy Secretary, Chris Wright. Listen in as Wright tries to break down why solar energy is not a viable option during the winter months. Energy Secretary Chris Wright: […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump was asked if he’d meet with Iran’s new Ayatollah and the minute or so that followed might be the bizarrest of Trump’s second term yet
The Iran War is the war that just keeps on giving. Donald Trump’s brief “excursion” is going on four months now. There’s still no resolution in sight. In fact, the latest update seems the least promising to date. Trump was asked about a potential meeting with the new Ayatollah to finalize an agreement. His response […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump says Washington, DC is a totally different place since he entered office and everyone agreed, just not in the way he wanted
Surprise, surprise: Donald Trump wants credit for something. This time, he actually deserves it. But that’s not a good thing. The President was talking about the transformation Washington, DC has undergone since he returned to town. He was bragging about it, even. Trump: In a matter of 14 months, Washington DC is like a different […]
The Poke.
Dozy Donald Trump got caught napping in the middle of a meeting again and these 17 brutal takedowns might be the wake up call he needs
Everybody loves a mid-day nap. Let’s get that out of the way first. So far be it for us to criticize someone for getting in some shut eye during a long work day. That being said, when your job is to run an entire nation and you’ve started multiple wars and destroyed your economy at […]
The Poke.
This Question Timer wasn’t going to let Reform UK’s Robert Kenyon whitewash his sexist past and had everyone cheering
Time to return to BBC1’s Question Time – last one today! (probably) where Reform UK’s by-election candidate Robert Kenyon lived down to everyone’s expectations – and more! We mention him yet again because of this estimable Question Time audience member who wasn’t going to let Kenyon whitewash the various sexist and bigoted things he’s said […]
The Poke.
