Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg’s Memories

MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing frustration about the frequent error hampering the overall user experience, Meta Glasses wearers worldwide confirmed Friday encountering a bug where they are able to see Mark Zuckerberg’s memories. “I was filming video of my road trip with my Meta Oakleys and all of a sudden I’m seeing the POV of someone throwing up their first beer in the bathroom of a New England prep school—it’s a good thing I wasn’t driving at the time or it could have been dangerous,” said user Melanie Henderson, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of consumers who noted a persistent glitch where intimate personal events from the Meta founder’s life would flash across the glasses without warning. “I’ll be in the middle of a run or just doing work around the house and the glasses will seem to be functioning normally but then, bam, I’m watching a pair of twins threaten me for stealing their company idea or witnessing Congress raking me over the coals for lying about child safety risks. It’s really disorienting. I’ve tried everything: turning them off and back on again, updating the software, fiddling with the batteries. Sometimes it seems to work but then I’ll be, like, why does my husband look like a frowning Priscilla Chan shaking her head in disappointment? And I’ll realize the glasses are totally glitching out again. You expect a less buggy product from such a huge tech company.” When reached for comment, Meta promised to resolve the glitch as soon as possible as well as a bug that causes the glasses’ speakers to constantly emit the sound of sobbing. The Onion.

Europeans Announce There Nothing Anyone Can Do To Make Them Stop Loving Michael Jackson

PARIS—Steadfast in their devotion to the treasured cultural keystone of their community, the roughly 743.5 million residents of Europe gathered Friday to announce that there’s nothing anyone can do to make them stop loving Michael Jackson. “You may try to break down our resolve with accusations that he engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors, but our love of Michael Jackson, Le Roi de la Pop, remains unwavering,” said European representative Stefan Barbeaux, making clear their commitment to the late pop music superstar regardless of any and all improprieties and scandals associated with the singer including but not limited to credible accusations of child sexual abuse. “Age of consent laws are different here, and it’s not strange to us that he had a pet chimp. No matter what, we will continue to blast ‘Human Nature’ DJ mixes in our discothèques. Our loyalty is unshakeable; we still like Roman Polanski, and he didn’t even write ‘Thriller.’” At press time, Barbeaux stated that he remains optimistic about intercontinental relations between Europe and The Land Of Michael Jackson.  The Onion.

Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking

The Onion.

Artist Profile: Kacey Musgraves

Kacey Musgraves has released Middle Of Nowhere, her seventh studio album. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the country star.  Genre: Sonically conservative, lyrically liberal Twangitude: 2.5 Glen Campbells How She Was Discovered In Nashville: Abandoned by bachelorette party Awards And Achievements: 4 Grammys turned into bongs  Hair: Purebred Friesian Biggest Rival: Sandy Cheeks Holiday Albums: A Very Kacey Christmas, A High Horse Halloween, A Yeehaw Yom Kippur Most Frequent Collaborator: Indica Controversies: Selling non-size-inclusive dog bandanas Why She Performs Barefoot: Keeps leaving shoes at bowling alley The Onion.

Trump Executive Order Kickstarts Deep Sea Mining Rush

An executive order by President Trump intended to create a deep sea mining industry has spurred millions of dollars of investment, prompting fast-tracked permitting as companies rush to extract material from the bottom of the ocean. What do you think? “I don’t think I could hold my breath for a whole eight-hour shift.” Toby Orr, Driveway Widener “But the minerals down there are all wet!” Amy Cacciola, Keyboard Repairman “It’s crazy to think that 95% of the ocean hasn’t been exploited for profits.” Curtis Baskin, Meat Baster The Onion.

10 Consequences Of Harambe's Death

Ten years ago, this world lost one of its greatest heroes: Harambe, the gorilla. Friend to many and beloved by all, the loss of Harambe left a gaping hole that changed the course of history.

James Talarico Taking 'Not Acting Gay' Lessons from Tim Walz

AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him "not acting gay" lessons.

Google Searches For Military School Skyrocket Ten Minutes Into Summer Vacation

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Search engine giant Google released data this week showing that searches for "military schools near me" skyrocketed about ten minutes into the first day of summer vacation.

Elizabeth Warren Vows New Tax On Puppies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a dramatic change to the U.S. tax code that would apply an additional 90% tax rate on puppies.

Jill Biden Explains She Thought Joe Had A Stroke During Debate, Which Is Why She Left Him Up There To Die

REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former First Lady Dr. Jill Biden revealed in an interview that she thought her husband Joe was having a stroke during the 2024 Presidential debate, which is why she left him up on stage to die.

Group Bonding FTW: Every Person On This Bachelorette Trip Doesn’t Want To Be There

Finding common ground can be harder than you think when mixing friend groups, but here’s a story about one bachelorette party that quickly discovered their similarities: Every person on this bachelorette trip doesn’t want to be there. Now that’s how you bond!! Despite the fact that the guests rationalized the $700 weekend spend as being “for Becca!”, now that the weekend’s here, each and every woman, including Becca the bride, is longing to be anywhere else. And although no one’s acknowledged it, the tacit understanding that everyone in this Nashville Airbnb shares this desire has brought the group closer than the underwear guessing game that the maid of honor reluctantly organized ever could.  Or course, the bride is doing her best to pretend she’s enjoying her bachelorette trip. While she acted playfully surprised when her friends presented her with a crown made of cartoon penises and a bottle of Captain Morgan with her fiancee’s face taped on it, her yawns that began at 8:45 p.m. were an obvious tell that she regretted not only planning a full Thursday to Sunday trip, but planning a trip at all. However, it was Becca’s disinterest and her decision to go to bed at 9:30 each night—and the obvious, unspoken joy this inspired in all of the other tripgoers—that became the uniting thread of the weekend. Though no one will be able to say it aloud, the best moment of the trip was not the “Disco Cowgirl” night, but the palpable relief that coursed through them all when Becca decided they should skip drag brunch and instead watch Clueless in the Airbnb’s weird basement with a pool table.  Wow. What a beautiful moment that must’ve been. Whether you identify with the girl who spent half the time FaceTiming her kids, the girl who spent half the time in work Zooms on her laptop, the girl who’s perpetually single and pissed her friend would have the audacity to get married in front of her, the girl who used to be really fun but got boring the second she got married, the girl who’s obviously pregnant but pretending she’s not drinking for some other reason, the bride’s fiancee’s brother’s wife, or the bride’s random childhood friend who has literally always had a bad attitude, we can all agree it’s better to be at home than on a bachelorette trip. Fingers crossed Becca cancels their karaoke plans for tonight, too.

Amazing: Truvada And Smucker’s Just Partnered To Create PrEP In The Form Of An Uncrustable

Well, this is truly iconic. Two unlikely companies have joined forces to create what might be the brand collab to end all brand collabs: Truvada and Smucker’s just partnered to create PrEP in the form of an Uncrustable. YES. Just YES. No one saw Truvada x Smucker’s coming, and no one will ever forget it! In a collaborative Instagram post this morning, HIV prevention drug Truvada and food manufacturer Smucker’s announced the PB & PrEP Uncrustable, a crustless sandwich containing honey-roasted peanut butter and a single dose of pre-exposure prophylaxis, an oral medication that reduces sexually active men and women’s risk of contracting HIV.  The post’s caption explained that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable is designed for consumer privacy, so anyone who’d prefer to take PrEP discretely can do so under the guise of eating an Uncrustable, and doubles as the ultimate grab-and-go snack for refueling after engaging in whatever calorie-burning activity is putting those consumers at risk of HIV in the first place.  Now available at pharmacies nationwide, the PB & PrEP Uncrustable requires a physician’s prescription just like regular PrEP, comes in blister packs scaled up to the size of Uncrustables, and is freezer safe for up to nine months. “The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an FDA-approved, nutritious way to avoid HIV as well as running out of energy during those sexual encounters that could expose you to HIV,” the two brands wrote in their joint social media post, clarifying that the PB & PrEP Uncrustable should be administered once daily for maximum effectiveness. “For many people’s lifestyles, especially those who engage in unprotected anal sex, quick-digesting carbs, healthy fats, PrEP, and protein are incredibly important, which is why Truvada and Smucker’s worked together to create an Uncrustable that tastes as good as it feels to prevent HIV – PB & PrEP is so delicious you’ll go out of your way to have HIV-risky sex just as an excuse to eat more.” And just in time for Pride Month?! Yup, Truvada and Smucker’s have a home run on their hands! Calling this a game-changer is an understatement. The PB & PrEP Uncrustable is an utterly brilliant cause for celebration for anyone who loves to snack and engage in activities that come with some degree of HIV risk. Kudos, Truvada and Smucker’s!

About Time: The DMV Has Announced That Driver Licenses Will Now Have A Box To Check To Consent To An Image Of Your Mangled Corpse Being Used On A Death Metal Album Cover In The Event You Die In A Car Accident

Whether you’re a metal fan or just someone who’d like a cool way to be memorialized after you’re nothing more than a shredded mass of guts and flesh, you’re going to want to see this: The DMV has announced that driver licenses will now have a box to check to consent to an image of your mangled corpse being used on a death metal album cover in the event you die in a car accident.  Hell yeah! There’s no higher honor for a metal lover than to have half of your still-smiling head appear alongside the indecipherable logo of a band that sings about necrophilia and cannibalism.  Next to the organ donor box, all licenses will now have an additional box you can check that reads, “In the event of an accident, I consent to my awesome-looking, gory corpse being used on album covers, posters, and t-shirts for the heaviest, sickest bands around*. *No poser shit.” “We love using the most repulsive, disturbing photos imaginable on our album covers to give listeners an idea of the harrowing, corpse-reeking death metal they are about to hear,” explained Pissgrave vocalist and guitarist Demian Fenton. “But we’ve always been concerned about using real gore photos without the consent of the rotting, burned, torn-up corpses on our covers. With the DMV’s new policy, we can finally source artwork that’s not only vomit-inducing and completely putrid, but also ethical.” Even cooler, drivers who check both the organ donor and metal album art consent forms may even have their body parts used as stage props for metal bands’ photoshoots or live shows. So if you’ve always dreamed of having your lungs hanging from a mic stand while Devourment plays a ripping set, all you have to do is check a box on your license and hope you get t-boned by a cement truck sometime soon! Hell yeah! What a cool way for the DMV to let drivers support the arts in death!

Stepping Up Security: CVS Has Announced They’re Going To Open Fire On Anyone Who Tries To Come Into CVS

One of America’s largest retail corporations just made a huge policy change that reveals the sad state of our society: CVS has announced that they’re going to open fire on anyone who tries to come into CVS. Dang. CVS is really not messing around. Speaking from inside an armored bunker deep underground in an undisclosed region of the Mojave Desert, CVS CEO David Jovner posted a video to the company’s official Instagram account announcing that all CVS employees will now be armed with a full arsenal of firearms and explosives, and that they have been instructed to use them on anyone who attempts to walk through the doors of any one of their locations. “We tried hiring more security guards, we tried putting our products behind locked glass doors, we tried hiding all our items so that nobody could find them, and people still kept stealing from us,” Jovner says in the video while two masked men in CVS store uniforms stand behind him holding AR-15s. “From now on, if you try to come into CVS, you will be neutralized.” Wow. You might not agree with this decision, but you’ve got to admit it could make it harder to shoplift from CVS! In a series of follow-up posts to the CVS Instagram account, company officials outlined how they would be implementing these new security policies, including training all new employees to fire on anyone who comes within 500 feet of any CVS location, as well as preemptively placing barbed wire around all physical stores and seeding every CVS parking lot with landmines. The company said that they are hopeful that this will decrease theft by about 13% over the next 10 years. In the hours since the original announcement, the only other post from the CVS account has been a video of a 22-year-old cashier standing on the roof of a CVS in Lincoln, Nebraska firing a machine gun into the air with the caption, “ExtraCare cards will not save you. Do not come near us.” Well, it’s official: If you don’t agree that this is going to change the way people shop at CVS, you are not a good person. Here’s hoping this new policy of shooting potential customers on sight will help CVS cut down on theft so they can keep they prices low. If you think this is good, or bad, or you don’t care about it, be sure to comment on this article or some article!

Finally! Scientists Have Developed A Viagra Engineered To Be Used While Operating Heavy Machinery

One of the most long-awaited medical developments in recent history has finally come to pass, and it’s causing people all over the world to realize that life is finally perfect: Scientists have developed a Viagra engineered to be used while operating heavy machinery! Finally! After decades of desperately waiting, it’s finally happened! The stunning breakthrough was announced just a few short hours ago by representatives of Pfizer, who proudly revealed that a massive team of researchers, chemists, and physicians had developed a formula for their bestselling erectile dysfunction medication that allows people to safely use heavy machinery while taking the drug. If you hear someone nearby cheering and screaming with joy, it’s probably us, or one of the millions of Viagra users who will finally get to sport massive erections at their construction sites or on their factory floors. Ever since Viagra first hit the market in 1998, people’s primary complaint about the otherwise perfect drug was that they couldn’t drive a forklift or orchestrate a controlled dynamite explosion while using it, since the side effects made it hazardous. The common phrase, “Working safe and soft,” meaning completing a job with heavy machinery while completely flaccid due to the danger of using Viagra in industrial environments, became one of the most memorable sayings of the early 2000s, and the absolute misery of going through a day of manual labor without a big, stiff penis became commonplace. Fortunately, that’s now a thing of the past, because Pfizer actually listened to their customers and made some much-needed changes to Viagra’s basic formula! “At long last, Viagra users will be able to operate heavy machinery like excavators, cranes, and jackhammers while proudly sporting the full, robust erection they deserve,” Pfizer officials told reporters, many of whom were themselves fully erect thanks to a dose of Viagra. “The dizziness and drowsiness that comes with a normal dose of Viagra is still there, but it’s safe now, and you can be hard as a rock while drilling through sheetrock and feeling dizzy, and that’s what makes life worth living.” Hell yes! It looks like this is going to change so many people’s lives for the better. The world is about to be filled with happy people pitching tents in their work jeans as they dig, blast, and drill their way through the essential industrial jobs that keep our country strong and thriving. They’ll still be dizzy, but now they will be fully erect and almost completely safe. Kudos to Pfizer for responding to this essential need and making the necessary changes to improve an already amazing pharmaceutical product. If this isn’t one of the best days of your life, you’re officially not a good person!

Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever

The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history.The worst.Really? Do you think Donald Rumsfeld could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with Tier 1 operators? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence.McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough.Just look at his record in Vietnam: beaten by the Vietcong, which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in Vietnam and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it.That’s sigma male leadership.Watch out, Cuba.Booyah!Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so.All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, DEI-obsessed department into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called rules of engagement and "international law," whatever that means.I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old.Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone.Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone.Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone.My troops know an insider threat when they see one.And do we even need to talk about Lloyd Austin? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister.Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting pride parades on aircraft carriers.

Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials

ARLINGTON, Va. — Army recruiting officials are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended.Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before Memorial Day received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior.“We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also one of the biggest sales weekends of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete."Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans.“We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.”The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards.Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to Fort Huachuca for military intelligence training. "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said.Critics said the Memorial Day campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public.“The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had Project 100,000. Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’”Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day.“Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for ten free boneless wings at participating Applebee’s locations.”At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during MEPS screening.🖊️The Ghost of Jimmy Carter was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.

Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.”The policy announcement came at the end of a Pentagon press conference during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.“As Vice President and Doctor of the Church JD Vance recently noted, Pope Leo XIV has undermined the lethality of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the tyranny of breathing,” Hegseth said.“One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.”Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy.“Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear I’d mostly stop drinking so Congress would confirm me.”The oath reads:“I swear by God this holy oath, that I will render to Donald Trump, leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.”“See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to blockading the blockade to reopen the place that was already open before we blockaded it.”The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to attending meetings with J.D. Vance, while others point to White House attempts to influence the papal election.White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the FirstOne Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby.

Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction

PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit weapons of mass destruction.Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.“I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.”Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated.“These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “The CIA says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.”The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations.“Look at the narco-terrorists flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.”The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own.Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and Tijuana had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.”At press time, operators at a nuclear missile silo confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.”🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The Veterans of Foreign Wars is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.”Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week.“First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because only Vietnam really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.”Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results.“It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These GWOT veterans keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?”Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short.“We even tried letting the girls join,” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their DD-214 when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.”Historians note the VFW has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some World War II and Korean War veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.”“The Global War on Terrorism wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid.Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy.“We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and divorced, they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?”Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly fight communism or who still “appear to have something going for them.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.

Why was Tom Hardy fired? Six scurrilous and verifiably untrue rumours

TOM Hardy has been dismissed from hit drama MobLand, which is on a channel you do not watch and have never heard of. But why? We make up the reasons:  Edging Helen Mirren Rumours say that Hardy made Mirren wait, but they don’t say what he made her wait for. Her fury arose from his tormenting her by keeping her on the very edge of orgasm before cruelly pulling back for up to eight hours a day, exhausting her 80-year-old body. And the same goes for Pierce Brosnan. Insisting on real executions Keen to add grit and reality to his performance, Hardy refused to perform mob executions unless bullets, victims and death were all unfeigned. “What’s the problem?” he reportedly asked the director. “There’s tons of people with nothing to live for who the world’s better off without. Need me to make a list?” Because MobLand doesn’t need a capital L in the middle of it Day after day, shoots were ruined because midway through Tom would break off from delivering dialogue to say “Look, it’s either two f**king words or it’s one f**king word. If we’re doing a f**king portmanteau then we need to f**king commit. Or put a space in. I can’t work like this. I’ll be in my trailer.” Always on MySpace Hardy loves MySpace (“It’s fine to have a capital S, it’s a f**king tech company”) where he had such a compelling social media presence, and still spends ten hours a day logged into it. On the rare occasion he finds another user on there all shooting is abandoned while they trade mp3s, customise backgrounds and rearrange their top eight friends. Confusion about which Tom he is All actors have a slender sense of self, and Tom was regularly found staring into mirrors saying “So, wait. I’m engaged to Zendaya?” “No, that’s Tom Holland.” “But I did previously date Taylor Swift?” “That was Tom Hiddleston.” “Tell me I was in The White Lotus. Don’t f**k me about here. I was in that.” “That… was Tom Hollander.” “WHO THE F**K AM I?” Demanding his character be more like Robbie Rotten from LazyTown Every morning there would be fresh script notes from Hardy, and every day they would point in the same direction. ‘Think maroon and purple striped suit for this scene?’, ‘Let’s add sequence where I eat junk food while watching TV’ and ‘Can we call make-up about artificial chin?’

Five weekend plans you shouldn’t share with your colleagues

IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself: Passing out shitfaced Besides being too revealing, the fact that you’ll be drunkenly falling to the floor in a puddle of your own puke is a given. You might as well tell your coworkers you’ve got a fun weekend of breathing lined up. No need to explicitly admit you’re a lush, so just give a vague impression and say you’re meeting friends for a drink. They’ll fill in the rest with their imaginations. Gooning for 48 hours Kink shaming be damned, embarking on a two-day wankathon is disturbing in and of itself. Telling your colleagues about it will only make things worse as you’ll have to explain what gooning is to team members who aren’t as online or perverse. They always wondered if you were a tragic, sex-starved loser, but there’s no need to confirm their suspicions in graphic detail. Crying over the state of your life Just because you work in an open-plan office doesn’t mean you need to be open about your emotional wellbeing. So what if you’re going to spend Sunday evening curled up in the fetal position sobbing over the terrible choices that have led to your shit life? Everyone else does it; they just have the decency to talk about some tedious film they’re going to watch instead. Embarking on an affair Keep this to yourself to protect the health and safety of your colleagues. The most exciting discussions they have are about the printer’s ink levels and KPI forecasts, so telling them that you’re planning to sneak off to a Travelodge to shag your mate’s missus senseless will cause them to pass out from excitement. Instead fob them off with some bollocks about going for a roast. Spending quality time with your loving family Not everyone in your office is lucky enough to have found love and reproduced, you inconsiderate bastard. Donna from accounts will put on a brave face if you talk about these plans, but she’ll scurry off to the loo for a massive cry when you’re not looking. Just say you’re going to watch the football, nobody really gives a shit what you’re doing anyway.

Six other US icons Trump could slap his stupid f**king face on

PRESIDENT Trump is putting his ridiculous petulant face on a $250 dollar bill for the exclusive use of his pals in organised crime. But what else could he put it on? The US flag Fifty stars, representing each of the US states, or one Trump representing everything that is great about America and everything it could ever hope to be? If you’re Trump or in his cult, there’s no question. The stripes will now be trails of blood, each terminating in the decapitated head of one of his enemies. Enormously classy. The Statue of Liberty There’s no way he knows it’s French. Once he finds out he’ll be outraged that a Gallic whore presides over New York’s harbour, brazenly inviting the tempest-tossed to f**k her, he’ll order the face removed and replaced with his own. The body will remain unchanged because he knows his supporters like tits. The result will represent America today. Mount Rushmore Not just the addition of Trump, which has long been accepted as inevitable, but replacing all four faces – Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln – with Trump, on the grounds ‘many are saying’ he has surpassed all of them. The Four Faces of Trump will be Stern, Serious, Resolute and That One He Pulls While Dancing To YMCA. The Hollywood sign There are three Os in Hollywood. Trump, by virtue of his 14 seasons on The Apprentice, is the greatest star the entertainment industry has ever known. Therefore those Os should be replaced by his wonderful visage, looming over liberals to make them mad. One looking left, one looking right, one staring straight at the camera like a cheap Judge Judy. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Trump’s senility is advancing at such pace he will soon believe himself to have fought in Vietnam. The black granite of Washington DC’s memorial, bearing the names of all those lost in the conflict, will be updated with Trump’s visage etched across it. It will make some names illegible but that’s fine, they were stupid for dying anyway. The Eternal Flame (Graceland and John F Kennedy) Finally, inspired by a sycophantic AI video made by Nigerians pretending to be patriotic Americans for social media clicks, Trump will order the flames burning at the graves of Elvis and JFK to become flames shaped like his face. $228 billion will be invested in creating this impossible effect. He will only skim off $196 billion of this. It won’t happen.

The Backrooms, and other horror concepts that collapse under the slightest scrutiny

HORROR movie The Backrooms is being praised by critics for its clever liminal concept, but will audiences agree? Here are more terrifying ideas that don’t stand up to much scrutiny. Annabelle Here’s an idea: if you’re a demon, why not inhabit a doll that can easily be picked up by humans and placed in a glass case blessed by a priest that’s impossible for you to escape from? Well done, you’ve just put yourself in prison. Maybe possess something more mobile next time, like a kangaroo? The Backrooms  The selling point is ‘liminal’ space, in this case a maze of office corridors that are spookily deserted. But from a cinematic point of view it’s extremely boring watching someone walking round an office, so there are scary monsters. They’ll turn you into goo and use it to make more backrooms. So that’s not liminal, it’s an entirely reasonable fear of being turned into goo.  Final Destination  Why are scientists and the world’s media not all over this? Death’s had six murder sprees thus far, plus all the millions (?) of slayings that weren’t in a film, and he always uses exactly the same MO. Forget needing to convince people Death is after you, most nights there’d be something on the news like: ‘The Home Office has launched a website with advice on what to do if you’ve cheated death and will now be killed in an entertainingly convoluted way.’ The Ring Vengeful spirit Samara kills people who watch a cursed VHS tape, but when you consider all the stuff she gets up to – threatening phone calls, telepathy with a horse, mangling people to death – it’s clear she has near-limitless powers. The victims are effectively random, so why doesn’t she just go for a walk and kill everyone she sees? And why risk someone ending the curse by accidentally taping over it with Match of the Day? Hereditary  A cult stalks a family, gradually weakening them psychologically until King of Hell Paimon can possess a male body, in this case the dickhead teenage son, all of which depends on a plan to kill his annoying sister in which a million things can go wrong. It would be so much easier to kidnap a depressed person Paimon can just hop into, but then Toni Collette couldn’t give a critically-acclaimed performance that makes you want to watch something more fun. Sinister  Goth twat demon Bughuul has to do a phenomenal amount of planning to eat children’s souls, so it’s reasonable to ask for a bit more detail on this. Hasn’t science established that souls don’t exist? And if they do, isn’t it God who gives us souls? What if God’s annoyed with Bughuul messing with his creations? And just to clarify the eating bit, does he literally eat them, like with a knife and fork? Can you put them in the air fryer for a healthier option? Longlegs Boy, there was a lot of hype for this film in which the Devil gets fake nuns to deliver creepy lifesize dolls containing a mysterious metal sphere to families on their daughter’s birthday which causes the father to murder everyone. Who established this horribly complicated system for harvesting souls? There was none of this bollocks in The Devil Rides Out, proving once and for all things were better in the good old days.

Everyone rechalking Cerne Giant wants to do the cock

JD Vance said he can’t be booed because he’s the Vice President, and you can probably guess what happened in the replies

Graduation ceremonies are a time for celebration and reflection. So when Vice President JD Vance stepped up to the podium to address the graduating class at the Air Force Academy, the crowd bristled with anticipation for life advice. Instead they got a plea. A command, rather. They were told they can’t disagree with him. Here’s […] The Poke.

What’s something that became socially unacceptable way faster than anyone expected? – 17 behaviours that surprisingly fell out of favour

Social norms can come and go like the tide. What’s acceptable today might be the height of bad taste in a few years time, leaving future generations to wonder what on earth we were thinking. If you’ve been around long enough, you’ve probably already seen this in action. To get a taste of which behaviours […] The Poke.

The US Treasury Department announces it will put Donald Trump’s face on a $250 bill – 15 takedowns that are right on the money

The current White House appears hellbent on proving it has completely lost touch with its base. Their latest attempt: putting Donald Trump’s face on a $250 bill. Scott Bessent hosted an extremely awkward press conference at the White House yesterday where he announced, and then doubled down on, the idea that the treasury department wants […] The Poke.

This Question Time intro with an AI ‘panel’ of famous people from history was a perfect demonstration of not reading the room

Thursday’s episode of Question Time was an AI special, with experts from the field both advocating for and warning against the use of AI. As well as living, present, human panellists, the show featured an AI-generated panel of people who probably didn’t actually need an introduction, but they got one anyway. Tonight Question Time features […] The Poke.

UFC CEO Dana White said he’s politically ‘right down the middle’, and the replies dragged him into the cage for a reality check

The Ultimate Fighting Championship is hosting a first of its kind event on the White House lawn this summer. A bunch of sweaty men in shorts are going to jump into a cage together and punch, kick, and bleed until one of them is crowned a champion. America! The President of the UFC is Dana […] The Poke.