The Onion
‘Wall Street Journal’ Defends Decision To Publish Peggy Noonan–Generated Article
NEW YORK—Justifying the move as simply the next stage in journalism’s continual evolution, The Wall Street Journal on Monday defended its decision to publish a Peggy Noonan–generated article. “No matter how much you want to hold back the tide, you can’t escape this obvious fact: The future of editorial writing is Noonan-based,” said editorial page editor Paul Gigot, adding that certain turns of phrase appearing in the columns of rival newspapers suggested that other publications had already quietly begun using Peggy Noonan themselves. “She can churn out 700 words of establishment Republican rhetoric with startling speed. And let’s be honest, if a column provides readers with the almost quaint Reagan-era viewpoints they’re looking for, does it ultimately even matter if it was generated by Peggy Noonan?” At press time, several periodicals had reportedly begun experimenting with George Will–generated columns but pulled back after a number of embarrassing hallucinations were found.
The Onion.
Sixers Front Office Startled By How Quickly Jaylen Brown Converted Rest Of Team To Islam
PHILADELPHIA—Admitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster to Islam. “Like, one day he’s going around introducing himself, and the next he’s got everybody on prayer rugs and Dean [Wade] is changing his locker nameplate to ‘Dean X’—really wasn’t expecting that,” said Sixers president of basketball operations Mike Gansey, adding that the team’s nutrition staff had to completely overhaul its operation to incorporate halal meals and that the equipment staff had to scramble to source custom kufis in Sixers colors for every player. “V.J. [Edgecombe] seemed like he was just waiting to be asked. He didn’t hesitate at all. And then once LeBron bought in, the rest of the dominoes fell pretty fast. He, Joel [Embiid], and Tyrese [Maxey] all dyed their beards orange. I even saw Jaylen cornering the mascot with a pamphlet. Definitely a different vibe this year.” Gansey then shrugged and said, “Trust the process, I guess,” as the entire roster left practice for afternoon prayers.
The Onion.
Nation’s Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country
AURORA, IL—Confirming they would soon emerge from the nation’s basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, America’s quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be freakishly good at cross country this fall. “You’ll assume that our gaunt, 118-pound bodies are incapable of athletic achievement, but the reality is we’re going to show up to the first meet having barely practiced and run a 15:42,” said 16-year-old runner Caleb Woodford, awkwardly staring at the ground as several rail-thin teenagers with buzz cuts, filthy neon running spikes, khaki cargo pants, and T-shirts bearing slogans like “My Sport is Your Sport’s Punishment” nodded behind him, each somehow both pale and sporting some of the most severe tan lines ever observed on a human body. “We’ll look visibly uncomfortable in every conceivable social setting, but we will be terrifyingly graceful once we start running three miles through the mud. We intend to eat dozens of chicken nuggets at a time without gaining an ounce, we will dry heave in the woods on a daily basis, and we will get extremely good grades in school. We have no normal interests. We just like running.” At press time, reports confirmed the teens had begun silently stretching against trees in preparation for running nine miles for fun.
The Onion.
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy
WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. “We’re proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can be appreciated to their fullest not just by Trump’s children, but by his children’s children,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, who stressed that keeping the acreage pristine would allow many generations of Trump’s progeny to build golf courses, hotels, and hunting lodges in some of America’s most stunning locales. “For years, Trumps have been increasingly siloed into D.C., New York, and Florida. Our hope is this will give them far more space to develop properties in the decades and, indeed, centuries to come.” Interior Department officials confirmed they would take whatever measures were necessary to remove 340 million invasive Americans from the newly established Trump preserve.
The Onion.
When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic
In my 100 years, I’ve been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous diversity of life, and share what I’ve seen with generations of television viewers. After a century of rewarding engagement with the natural world, I have just one remaining wish: When I die, please, feed me to something majestic.
I don’t know exactly when my time will come, but when it does, I want a truly remarkable animal that embodies the full splendor of nature to gorge upon my lifeless form.
I haven’t any one species in mind, but consider the lion. It is undoubtedly among earth’s most magnificent carnivores, and having a pride of these impressive beasts tear my corpse to shreds would be an extremely satisfying capstone to a life spent marveling at nature in all its multifaceted glory. Then there are the arctic fox and the great horned owl, either of which might delight in nibbling away at my body. And could any means of disposal prove more extraordinary than a rare Himalayan snow leopard seizing me by the throat and dragging my limp carcass hundreds of yards back to its mountainous lair?
Our world is filled with beautiful and awe-inspiring creatures—from the stately polar bear to the spectacular orca to the critically endangered Sumatran rhino—so many of which would make a fitting final receptacle for my earthly remains.
This phenomenon can also be seen in the incredible varieties of cold-blooded predators that could glut themselves on my bones and organs. One need look no further than the Orinoco crocodile, which reaches lengths of over 20 feet, weighs more than a ton, and could clamp its jaws shut with a force of 2,000 pounds per square inch as it ground me down into suitably bite-sized pieces. Or imagine, for a moment, that whatever’s left of me simply lay rotting on the floor of a tropical forest to be opportunistically scavenged weeks later by a Komodo dragon.
However, there may be no better way to exit the stage, as it were, than in the mouth of an Australian scrub python, which through 125 million years of evolution has developed a series of highly unique and ingenious adaptations that now permit it to swallow a veteran television presenter whole.
(I hope I don’t have to mention that all of this should be captured on camera, so that if the animal I’m being fed to goes extinct, a record will exist for posterity of the fascinating ways it went about dismembering a centenarian.)
Of course, the options hardly need stop at mammals and reptiles—not when there are so many fish in the sea! Ever since we filmed Blue Planet III, I’ve pondered the terror and majesty of being devoured by a shortfin mako shark, with its dozen or more rows of formidable spear-shaped teeth, its ability to leap up to nine meters above the water, and the theoretical possibility of it catching in midair my falling corpse as it is jettisoned from a BBC helicopter high above the Pacific.
Don’t feel obligated to feed me to an apex predator, though. My flesh could be carefully cut into small chunks and thrown as chum to smaller marine wildlife: the coy and beguiling damselfish, a solitary snapper, the tiny star-sucker pygmy octopus, or perhaps even the elusive weedy seadragon. The denser scraps of this long-serving broadcaster could sink down to shrimp living in hydrothermal vents on the ocean floor. And if any small bits floated to the top, they could make a delectable treat for the splendidly beplumed birds of paradise that dwell in the coastal forests of New Guinea.
Just as life takes countless dazzling forms in its unending quest to survive and evolve, so too could my consumption serve as a poignant illustration of life’s variety and adaptability. To that end, I would be perfectly happy to be swarmed by a column of African driver ants that skeletonizes me in seconds. But to best preserve the moment, make sure it’s depicted in a time-lapse sequence and accompanied by a haunting, minimalist score.
I’ve always dreamed of being pulverized into a fine pulp by a hippo’s massive teeth—I can’t believe I almost forgot that one—but they are, alas, herbivores. Perhaps they could be enticed? While I do prefer to be eaten, it would nonetheless be a marvelous paean to nature’s rich tapestry if my dead body were merely trampled to dust by stampeding bison, giraffes, or wildebeests.
Finally, it is my hope that these plans be carried out after I’ve succumbed to natural causes. But if it should occur that I’m ambushed by tiger sharks or taken down by a pack of coywolves while still living, please let the cameras roll and don’t try to intervene. Just know that as I’m painfully ripped apart and consumed by dozens of ravenous mouths, my last thoughts will be of the indescribable wonder and complexity of the great web of life that connects us all, and—after a lifetime studying it—of how deeply honored I am to make one final contribution to its endless renewal.
Indeed, what more could one ask for?
The Onion.
ClickHole
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Mystery Solved! The Property Brothers Just Appeared Without Their Iconic Head-Shaped Helmets For The First Time
One of television’s most iconic duos just gave the world a glimpse at their true selves, and we’re pretty sure that the entertainment industry—and the world—will never be the same: The Property Brothers just appeared without their iconic head-shaped helmets for the first time.
This is not a drill, folks! One of the most enduring mysteries of all time has finally been solved, and now we know what the Property Brothers actually look like!
The monumental reveal took place during last night’s episode of Property Brothers: Under Pressure. At the beginning of the episode, Drew and Jonathan Scott stood in front of the camera and explained to their audience that after years of fan speculation about what they looked like underneath their iconic head-shaped helmets, they were ready to show viewers their true faces. They then pulled off their helmets and revealed their real heads, officially ushering in a new era for the Property Brothers and their legion of dedicated fans!
Absolutely amazing! Needless to say this is going to take some getting used to, but it’s awesome to get to see the real faces behind the legendary Property Brothers team for the very first time!
“When we first met each other twenty years ago, we knew we needed a gimmick to stand out in the cutthroat real estate world, so we decided to wear helmets in the shape of two similar-looking men,” Drew explained to viewers. “As soon as we started appearing on TV in our helmets, people started speculating about what we actually looked like under there, and that mystique really helped boost our profile and kickstart our careers.”
Throughout the episode, the lack of helmets provided fans with a totally new perspective on the Property Brothers. Nearly every five minutes, Drew kept spitting up all over himself and had to explain to the audience that he had been something he had been doing constantly since he and Drew had started appearing on TV together in 2011, but the helmet usually caught all the vomit and concealed it from the camera.
Meanwhile, Drew was able to show off his real head as “the face Zooey Deschanel fell in love with,” explaining that the actress didn’t even know that he was a Property Brother until five years into their relationship, when she found his “Drew Scott” helmet buried deep inside his closet. “Sometimes I’ll catch her walking around the house with Drew’s head-helmet on,” he admitted with a laugh.
It’s so awesome to get this kind of unfiltered insight into one of the most iconic celebrity couples out there! The Property Brothers really know how to treat their fans right.
Well, needless to say we are floored. This groundbreaking episode of TV is going to go down in history as one of the most iconic in broadcast history, because at long last we know what the Property Brothers really look like. This is a totally new era for this incredible real-estate team, and we couldn’t be more excited!
Major LOL: This Person Who Sent You An Email Actually Thinks You’re Going To Read It
Looking to laugh until you’re buckled over and wheezing?
Well, look no further:
This person who sent you an email actually thinks you’re going to read it.
Major cry-laugh emoji. This is about as hilarious as it gets.
The incredibly presumptuous email, which was sent by a coworker at 8 a.m. sharp on a Tuesday, appears to be about some shit going on at work based on the subject line, “Welcoming new account–To do by Friday.”
Record scratch. This person actually expects you to read an email that:
-Is about your job.
-Contains no tracking number for the new jeans you ordered from Japan.
-Contains nothing of a sexual nature.
-And isn’t a response to an email that you sent them?
LOLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Based on the detailed instructions summarized in the AI overview you accidentally glanced at (which is quite generous being that you’ve barely had coffee and you generally try to only do actual work between the hours of 11-2, which you consider “the workday within the workday”), the person who sent this not only fully expects that you will read this entire thing, top to bottom, but also that you will process the words that you are reading into your brain and then proceed to act upon the words with thoughts and actions.
Um…is this an SNL skit? Because we can’t stop chuckling.
And here’s the real “milk coming out of your nose” moment:
This person expected this email to be read by not just you, but also four other people in your department who they sent it to at the same time. Like, sorry, but only writing only one email but expecting five people to read it? Won’t that, like, create a negative energy balance in the universe or something?
Dear God…
Sorry, pal, but just because you type words into an email it doesn’t somehow magically mean that email is going to get read. That’s just not how emails work. But this was definitely good for a huge laugh.
Duffel Blog
Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”
Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits
WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits.The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans.“It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.”Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount.“There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said.The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims.Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another.Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.”“We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.”House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem."Veterans service organizations remain divided.The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad.“I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.”Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue.The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system.“Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.”
Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works.Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board.“AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.”Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board.“Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?”Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic.“Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.”Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation.“Jesus, this again?” Caine said.According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him Heated Rivalry clips around New Year’s.“I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.”Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series.“He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—”Caine paused.“Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.”Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey.“Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.”Caine stared silently into his glass.“I remember when I used to have dreams.”🖊️Gray Sea Liu is a former naval Officer, current smart ass
Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today.Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer.Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing.“We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.”By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week.Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements.“Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before.When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.”“Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.”Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band.“He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.”The command’s administrative section was equally productive.Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch.When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.”Nobody did.At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item.Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home.Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration.At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day.He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep.Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed.“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.”At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters
THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “Send Me” military service campaign, the Pentagon unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it.“Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.”Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos.“First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.”Parnell pointed to Vice President JD Vance, whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example.“That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.”Members of Congress also qualify automatically.“The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.”Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead.The Trump family has also received blanket exemptions.“Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in defense technology,” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.”Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new energy-drink venture provides an essential warfighting capability.“Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically logistics.”Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East.“I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.”Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding.“No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.”According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place.“We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.”He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be destroyed 58 separate times.“And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “Unless you die during a ceasefire, after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.”At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.”🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Daily Mash
Woman spends more than intended after visiting sex shop horny
A WOMAN who popped into her local sex shop while already feeling a little frisky has left it more than £200 down.
Charlie Phelps, aged 33, had only called in at Me Time, the village’s emporium of erotic goods, for lube but admitted she had watched a film with Paul Mescal in the previous evening and that it was still on her mind.
She said: “Thinking about it, I was already in the mood to rub one out. As a result I made a number of very poor purchasing decisions.
“Hot-headed and lustful, I grabbed what made me tingle in that particular moment, not what I actually needed for a satisfactory masturbation routine over the coming weeks.
“I was being guided by my red-blooded thirst for satisfaction, completely unable to make a calm assessment of the power, size, and wipe-clean properties of the merchandise.
“Three dildos? A rainbow of butt-plugs? Where on earth did I think I was going to put them all?
“I’d only called in for lube. I spent about 15 times what I’d intended. Still it is an independent shop and I believe they’re very ethical.”
A single doormat, and other features which justify your £3,650pa service charge
WONDERING why you’re paying hundreds a month for a dingy hallway, stolen parcels and a sticker with a QR code for an online scam in the lift? Check out these features:
Locks on the doors
If you jiggle the key at the right angle, it’s a seamless experience! And the reason the door is so heavy and cumbersome that edging through with a bag of groceries, while possible for you, will deter hoodies or foxes or whoever. A bargain for total peace of mind.
Hallways
They might be so narrow you’ll graze an earlobe with each microscopic misstep, but at least 40 per cent of the lightbulbs work and the carpet isn’t infested by anything! Currently. Painted in an exclusive shade of urine-stained white you won’t find anywhere else.
Doormat
The management company didn’t have to provide this, but their empathetic directors hated to think of the extra wear-and-tear on the carpets. Its long-worn-away pattern adds an air of homeliness to the aggressively minimalist foyer. There is also a picture of a ship which covers a damp stain.
Unexpected lighting
On some horrible rainy homecomings, the outside light won’t come on at all, whereas at other times it’ll be on all night – a beacon of reassurance. And the flickering of the foyer bulbs offers the fun of an anaemic rave. It’s a Las Vegas lightshow nightly, all for one reasonable monthly payment.
Responding to emails in three-to-five business months
Reaching a person to talk to has the rustic charm of the era where letters from relatives would arrive by steamer from the New World. It’s a refreshing detox from modern life. And you can be sure these people work hard to serve you; it’s not easy spending eleven consecutive months not repairing a lift.
Has burned down yet
Does your block have the flammable cladding everyone is so worried about? Of course they’re not going to tell you! But best to pay extra just in case someone, somewhere may consider doing doing something about it, budget permitting.
Bob Dylan and other legends coining it on the basis this might be their last tour
TICKETS to see Bob Dylan have been dynamically priced in correlation with his life expectancy. These musicians also use the spectre of their imminent loss to jack up the price:
Bob Dylan
Nobody knows what Bob Dylan is singing, including Bob Dylan. This has always been the way, and his rabid fans are more than happy to pay to hear him belt out his greatest hits in a voice like a wheelie bin dragged across gravel. So long as he sticks to the hits and not those god-awful Christmas songs.
The Rolling Stones
Despite their rock and roll lifestyle, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood have somehow reached the age where their biggest upcoming event should be an NHS hearing test. Yet they continue to fill stadiums because there is apparently no amount of money that makes the band think ‘actually, we’ve got enough now.’
Neil Young
Neil Young has spent his career making heartfelt music full of authenticity and integrity, all while continuing to charge you £90 for a seat behind a pillar. Still, you should appreciate his commitment to playing live. If he didn’t you’d have to spend your evening listening to him on Spotify unless he’s taken his music off there again.
Bruce Springsteen
The Boss is still doing three-hour shows at an age when most people consider staying awake until the ten o’clock news an achievement. Anxious fans insist every tour could be his last, which is why they’re prepared to remortgage the house to watch him perform Born To Run from a seated position.
Paul McCartney
The best Beatle you can still see live and the closest anyone under 70 will ever get to seeing the Fab Four. You may be paying hundreds of pounds to watch an 84-year-old sing songs written before your parents were born, but you don’t mind because hearing him perform Hey Jude feels historically important. Plus you can sing along. And he seems nice.
Eric Clapton
Still touring, despite having been around long enough to remember when musicians had to be talented before becoming controversial. Fans attend partly to see if he’ll launch into an acoustic version of Layla or another bigoted tirade. Real ones know he saves the latter for the second encore, once all the squares have gone home.
Rod Stewart
Behold, the horror of a man born in 1945 sashaying with blondes who most certainly do not think he’s sexy. He’s cancelled a few dates for routine surgery but won’t let something as trivial as being 81 stop him behaving like a man who has just discovered women. Maybe these gold-digging hussies are just after his train sets?
Ultra-violent video game set to unite world in beautiful harmony
A GAMING franchise centred on enacting criminal violence against innocents seems to be so beautiful it could heal the world, fans believe.
Following a gameplay reveal for Grand Theft Auto VI on Thursday, gamers are confident that when the full game is released in November all unnecessary conflict in our embattled world will cease in favour of wholesale murder in a video game.
Gamer Jack Browne, aged 18, says: “I was just a boy when I watched my father rain leaden death onto shoppers in San Andreas, but I remember it as a purer, happier time.
“Back then, before Brexit, before Trump, there was no division. No matter what your race or gender identity, you could carjack a taxi, drive through a pedestrianised area then mow down survivors with an Uzi. And it brought people together.
“We all need the same hope shown by the game’s star-crossed felons blazing their own trail in a thankless world. Taking part in motiveless killing sprees in a digital Miami will make us realise there’s more uniting us than dividing us.
“I’ll never feel closer to my dad, knowing we’re both annoyed to play as a female lead character but shooting our way through it. I can’t wait to show his proud face what I learned.”
A spokesman for manufacturers Rockstar said: “It will bring peace and harmony to all nations, and that was always our intention.”
We ask you: which shite 00s film should get an unnecessary legacy sequel?
HOW To Lose A Man In 10 Days is to get a sequel the public neither asked for nor deserves. What forgettable movies must now have the same?
Mary Fisher, sand artist: “Purely out of charity Hitch. Will Smith needs work.”
James Bates, longshoreman: “Tell you what, I actually thought that Iron Man film with Robert Downey Jr had a lot of potential. Shame they never went on to do more with the character.”
Francesca Johnson, chandler: “That one Downfall, about Hitler. I always wondered what happened to him next.”
Julian Cook, museum curator: “The Wind That Shakes the Barley, Ae Fond Kiss or any other Ken Loach film. Why he doesn’t extend them into franchises with their own theme parks is a mystery to me.”
Wayne Hayes, drive-thru operative: “Oh, I thought it was 10 Things I Hate About You that was getting a sequel. Oh. I’m not f**king watching it then.”
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