Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think?

“Two chicks in the same car? That’s hot.”

Cory Maghes, Informant’s Apprentice

---

“I don’t get in strangers’ cars to feel safe.”

Vera Amato, Faucet Tightener

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“Will the car be female too?”

Lance Weber, Cider Sweetener

The post Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump’s health swirled Friday after he screamed, “Fuck! I’m dying!” during a press conference. “Fuck! I’m fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!” Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway insiders over whether the president wincing in pain while clutching his chest and screaming, “I see the light, I see the light,” could potentially signal a serious illness he had failed to share with the public. “Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! This is it! Here I go! I can feel my body shutting down! Jesus Christ, it’s all over!” At press time, further concerns about the president’s health emerged after paramedics were spotted lifting Trump’s body into a body bag, zipping it up, and wheeling it out of the West Wing on a stretcher.

The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, ‘Fuck! I’m Dying!’ appeared first on The Onion.

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race. 

Bugonia

Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles.

Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!”

Prospects: Slim, but they said that about The Broadway Melody back in 1930, and that made us all look like a bunch of fucking idiots.

F1

Synopsis: Hotshot pilot Maverick must train a new class of Top Gun graduates while coping with the trauma of losing his best friend, Goose.

Defining Line: “The cars come alive, Ruben! Every night after we go to bed!”

Prospects: Can you imagine?

Frankenstein

Synopsis: Come on, everybody read the book in ninth grade.

Defining Line: “Father, father! My pud fell off! Please mend for Frankenstein!”

Prospects: Low, as we’re still holding out hope that The Bad Guys 2 makes a surprise come-from-behind.

Hamnet

Synopsis: A poignant drama that explores Agnes and William Shakespeare’s loss of their 11-year-old-son, which back then was considered pretty old, all things considered.

Defining line: “Remember the Alamo.”

Prospects: This film might just be forgettable enough to pull off the Best Picture win.

Sinners

Synopsis: Twin brothers return to Mississippi and face a sinister vampire threat while attempting to lose 500 pounds and qualify for bariatric surgery.

Defining Line: “Brother, look at us, we are being covetous. I guess that makes us…sinners.”

“Not sinners, brother. Twinners.”

Prospects: Bad. The Academy is like 70% vampires.

Marty Supreme

Synopsis: A cautionary tale about the dangers of giving Timothée Chalamet too much publicity.

Defining Line: “Pock… pock… pock….pock….”

Prospects: Not great Oscar-wise, but the spanking scene cleaned up at the AVNs.

One Battle After Another

Synopsis: Loosely based on Thomas Pynchon’s Vineland, Paul Thomas Anderson proves he can read.

Defining Line: “They took my daughter! Quick, start an online petition!”

Prospects: The Academy could have sworn they awarded this Best Picture already.

The Secret Agent

Synopsis: A professor fleeing a military dictatorship in Brazil confuses the hell out of your father who thought this was going to be the next Bourne movie

Defining Line: “Don’t worry, you can trust me. I’m not a secret agent.”

Prospects: ICE agents are manning the stage just in case.

Sentimental Value

Synopsis: A profoundly resonant family drama written by and for people far smarter than you.

Defining Line: “Hooten-dooten, bork bork!”

Prospects: Nothing can stop the long march of Norwegian cultural domination.

Train Dreams

Synopsis: A wildfire reduces a man’s wife and young daughter to ash, freeing him up for an epic boys’ night.

Defining Line: “I can’t wait until someone invents the internet so I can watch pornography.”

Prospects: A tossup, as the Academy is big on dreams, but famously unmoved by trains.

The post The Onion’s 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother’s hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted “Do it!” Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. “Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind,” said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes shut and placed a Twizzler between his teeth in anticipation of the excruciating pain that would come from his younger brother administering the swift cut to his locks. “Don’t let me see the blood, Eric. Just hurry up, and then I’ll do you. Oh God, we’re going to be crippled. But it’s better than being sent to Iowa. Wait, wait, not yet!” At press time, Donald Jr.’s earsplitting screams were reportedly heard ringing throughout the White House.

The post ‘Do It!’ Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—In a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal “all good” to their buddies after falling off the roof. “New evidence suggests hominids first evolved this movable appendage in order to more efficiently assure their friends that everything is chill and nothing feels broken,” said study co-author Lynn Trinh, explaining that such dexterous thumbs could be traced back to Homo erectus, who often used the digit to indicate to companions that they were still feeling all right after jumping through a firepit on a dare, catching aflame, and then rolling to put themselves out. “According to our findings, early humans who lacked the ability to give the green light to their pals after falling from a significant height were quickly presumed dead and left behind by their tribe. If not for the adaptation of the thumbs-up, A-OK, and the shaka gestures by prehistoric people, our distant ancestors might very well have faced extinction.” The study also hypothesized that a secondary advantage of the opposable thumb was the ability for early man to give a thumbs-down after being hit in the nards.

The post Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal ‘All Good’ To Buddies After Falling Off Roof appeared first on The Onion.

BREA, CA — Church members were reportedly aghast when, during a routine worship service, the worship leader brought an accordion onto the stage.

ATLANTA, GA — As part of the channel's ongoing quest to ensure accurate media reporting, CNN has elected to run live retractions simultaneously with the news stories being reported at the time.

U.S. — With the nation reeling from an outbreak of violent incidents in the wake of the U.S. military strikes against Iran, the media clarified that there was no known motive yet in the attack on a Jewish Synagogue by a radical Muslim.

NEW YORK, NY — Heaven rejoiced today after a Jewish man accepted Jesus and converted to Christianity. Sources confirmed that the man was converted thanks to the powerful witness of an X user who proclaimed, "Christ is King, you filthy money-grubbin' Jew."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uncharacteristically rotund Pete Hegseth held a press conference to deny having any knowledge of what happened to all the leftover lobster that had been procured for the troops.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again. 

So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!

JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:

How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World! 

Have a vasectomy coming up? Odds are, you have a reservation at Texas Roadhouse for around the same time. While the two have always gone hand in hand, the steakhouse’s servers have never celebrated male birth control surgery like they do birthdays…until now: Texas Roadhouse just announced that they’ve written a song for waitstaff to sing to men who are celebrating a recent vasectomy. 

Finally! It took too damn long for Texas Roadhouse to step up here, but better late than never!

Starting today, men who get vasectomies within seven days of dining at Texas Roadhouse will be honored with the same lively experience that Texas Roadhouse offers to people celebrating birthdays. That means vasectomized men will be sat on a saddle, where they may wave a napkin in the air while servers chant, clap, and sing a Texas Roadhouse original song called “Happy Vasectomy!” before serving the lucky patron one (1) scoop of ice cream. 

To drum up hype for the vasectomy celebration experience, Texas Roadhouse released a preview of their “Happy Vasectomy!” song. Check it out below!

Amazing. Worth the wait, Texas Roadhouse fans? Yes, or yes? 

“Texas Roadhouse has always been to vasectomies what Chuck E. Cheese is to children’s birthday parties, we’re just making it official,” explained Texas Roadhouse CEO Gerald L. Morgan in a press statement announcing the vasectomy celebration experience. “Our sincere apologies that it took us so long to celebrate vasectomies the way they deserve to be celebrated. We really cared about getting this right, and I’m proud to say our restaurant’s vasectomy celebration is a memorable, fun experience you won’t find anywhere else.”

It just goes to show that a little ingenuity can go a long way in making a newly sterilized man’s steak dinner one he’ll never forget. Props to you, Texas Roadhouse!

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens. 

How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0. 

According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place. 

According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ. 

Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point. 

While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.

"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."

Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.

"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."

Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”

“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”

Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” 

Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. 

“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”

Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. 

“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. 

The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. 

Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”

After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.

AN invitation has arrived, and of course you have no intention of going. But how best to do so without offending the host who unreasonably expects your presence? Try these: 

Turn it down

The cleanest strategy for handling invites is also the most challenging. Going against every instinct to embrace your anti-social nature with a swift ‘F**k no’ is tough, so ingrained is pretending people are pleasurable to spend time with. It does eliminate uncertainty over whether you’re a fun or available person, helpful in the face of future invites.

Accept, then cancel

Allows you to experience for a moment the feeling of being a normal sociable person who wants to ‘hang out’ while not actually doing it. It’s most convincing to leave making your excuses to a week before the event while bemoaning the other commitment that has cropped up ‘out of nowhere’ and is ‘truly gutting’.

Ghost

May require moving house, changing jobs, or going no-contact with family, but worth it if you struggle communication, confrontation and the rigmarole of basic human courtesy. A straightforward blanking allows you to continue as if an invite never arrived, safe in the knowledge that the host will eventually give up trying.

Turn it down then accept

Reverse the established norm to give your host a rousing rollercoaster of emotion, then cancel again, then accept again, and before long they’ll be ignoring your texts. Quite a turnaround.

Refuse to commit

Ideal for those who want to give their prospective host the most anxiety possible, this option suspends your host in a quantum state of indecision, waiting for you to sync diaries, taking hopes you can make it at face value, eager to see if fictional competing engagements pan out. Eventually text ‘sorry, can’t make it’ an hour after the event begins.

THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year? 

Donna Sheridan, barmaid: “As a working-class girl attending Ladies’ Day, I had to represent my community. So my hat was two lampposts with shaven-headed men climbing up them to tie on Union Jacks.”

Steve Malley, sub-aqua therapist: “My hat was a licensed bookmaker. I just about broke even. He made fourteen thousand pounds.”

Julian Cook, currency trader: “A bald cap, and over that a baseball cap. Terribly witty. Prince William was absolutely creased.”

Grace Wood-Morris, couturier: “Grenadier’s bearskin. It really complements where I am as a woman.”

Roy Hobbs, ironmonger: “You know how Kim Kardashian wore Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala? Well, this is Abraham Lincoln’s stovepipe hat. Check and mate, bitch. Your move.”

A DISRUPTIVE man wearing the bright orange of Just Stop Oil has succeeded in shutting down oil worldwide in a victory for the group. 

The individual infiltrated the White House and rather than throw soup over a portrait of George Washington or glue himself to the Resolute desk, acted to forcibly reduce the world’s dependency on oil by closing the Strait of Hormuz.

Fellow activist James Bates said: “It’s just as irritating as all our other tactics, but actually effective.

“Across the globe, multinationals and governments are accelerating their investment in renewables. Ordinary folk are pricing solar panels for their homes and saying their next car will be electric. With one irresponsible, attention-seeking action, he’s changed the world.

“Wearing our bright orange in plain sight, he’s taken our ethos of doing something irrational, headline-grabbing and enraging to ordinary people and wham. Oil’s stopped.

“It’s a real unexpected late bonus for us after ending our campaign last year, officially because we’d claimed victory but unofficially due to all our members switching to Free Palestine because it was more fashionable.

“And to all our critics saying we’re just trust-fund babies who know nothing about the real world, this guy is a billionaire! Who knows nothing about the real world. But nonetheless.”

ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.

A phone call

Doesn’t have to be long. A quick two-minute chat will make your mum happy, even though she carried you for nine months and spent 15 agonising hours pushing you out. Try to make the conversation about her for once though, and how much she means to you. Your usual calls where you beg her for money can wait.

Breakfast in bed

Don’t actually know anything about your mum? Don’t panic. While she would’ve definitely enjoyed a thoughtful present related to one of her interests you’re oblivious too, some burnt toast on a plate presented to her in bed is an adequate alternative. Push the boat out and include a cup of tea that isn’t made to her liking.

Some flowers

If you were an attentive son, you would’ve already pre-ordered a bunch of your mum’s favourite flowers to be delivered to her on the big day. Seeing as you’re not even sure if she likes flowers, you’ll have to make do with a handful of daffodils yanked out of her garden. They’re definitely a step up from a bouquet of forecourt flowers, due to not being completely shrivelled yet.

A nice meal

You’ve left it too late to book a table at Wetherspoons, so you’ll have to cross your fingers that there’s a space at a fancy restaurant. Failing that, anywhere your mum can sit in peace for five minutes and sip on an elderflower cordial will do. You have to accompany her to whatever you settle on as well, otherwise she’ll look tragic.

For you to move out

Your mum may say that she wants chocolates or a trip to the spa, but this is really what she’s holding out for. She already knows how she wants to redecorate the childhood bedroom you still live in, so get her the ultimate treat this Mother’s Day by moving all of your crap into a storage unit. If you need help, your dad will be all too happy to lend a hand.

THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.

Episodes one and three of The Daleks’ Master Plan will be on iPlayer in April, allowing fans to see the Doctor pull off his nemesis for the first time since its original broadcast in 1965.

Norman Steele, film archivist and Whovian, said: “Back then, a loophole in the BBC’s charter allowed manual relief to be shown in prime time for the education of the nation.

“Along with Tomorrow’s World and the notorious Pete and Dud mutual masturbation scene, Doctor Who was swift to take advantage. The Doctor flirts with a Dalek in the first episode but in the third, to get one of his stupid captured companions freed, it’s gloves off.

“He doesn’t just wank off the Dalek. He keeps up a stream of filthy talk about what a dirty little xenophobic master race it is, how he knows it’s just a nasty cyclopean gelatinous blob inside that armoured shell, and he bets it’s thinking about wiping out all other races.

“Finally it reaches climax and we hear that signature cry of ‘EJ-AC-U-LATE!’ before the Doctor wipes himself off and moves on. Only previously heard in an audio version. What a joy it will be to finally see.”

He added: “It’s the holy grail for Whovians. Well, apart from the lost scene where Tom Baker gives Richard Dawkins’s wife one from behind in a punt, in Shada.”

Former Fox News host and discarded Marvel movie villain, Pete Hegseth, has been busy lately. That’s to be expected when the word “War” is in his unofficial title while also being the unofficial description of what’s happening between the United States and Iran right now. The Secretary of Defence (we’re not calling him that other […]

The post Pete Hegseth said there’s only one tiny reason the Hormuz Strait is not safe right now and just won understatement of the millennium appeared first on The Poke.

Sam Altman is the crown prince of AI right now and the movement couldn’t have a more out of touch spokesperson. Speaking about the future of artificial intelligence, the gawky tech bro had no problem laying out an aggressively capitalist blueprint for success in the industry. 🚨 SAM ALTMAN: “We see a future where intelligence […]

The post Ultra tech bro Sam Altman wants to put all ‘intelligence’ behind a paywall and nobody is buying it – 15 brilliant clap backs appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump has had an indelible impact on American history. Just not in the way he presumably wants. The man who desperately needs credit for everything was recently seen begging for more adulation at the White House. Amongst the things he had on his wishlist: the Olympics, the World Cup, and… the entire existence of […]

The post Donald Trump wonders why he’s never been given credit for America’s 250th anniversary and these 15 clap backs were happy to explain appeared first on The Poke.

Karoline Leavitt usually yells at the media from a pulpit, but her most recent pedantic rant about fair and balanced reporting took place on Twitter. And it might come back to bite her and her whole administration. The easily screenshotable admission was about a recent report by ABC News about a potential Iranian threat to […]

The post Karoline Leavitt emphatically stated that Iran never posed a threat to the US and the entire internet asked the same question appeared first on The Poke.

This week’s Question Time was based in Wythenshawe, Greater Manchester, and featured a rare appearance by a member of the Green Party – the MP for Brighton, Siân Berry. Her presence may have been what riled up one particularly disgruntled audience member, Adam Wolstenholme, who asked “Is it not highly disrespectful to remove Winston Churchill […]

The post There’s not enough facepalm in the world for the Question Time audience member blaming the ‘radical left-wing’ Greens for taking Churchill off the fivers appeared first on The Poke.