The Onion
Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed
COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. “Shit, shit, shit—there’s no way I can go outside looking like this,” said a hungover Hanlon, groaning as he stumbled into his closet to find an appropriate sweater or hoodie that could cover up his now hate-symbol-free skin. “God, it was that last round of tequilas that did me in. Never would have done something so stupid if I’d stuck to beers. How am I going to explain this to my followers on Rumble? Guess I’ll just have to lay low until I get my Celtic cross replaced.” At press time, a horrified Hanlon is said to have discovered that, sometime the previous night, he had gotten the “Coexist” symbol tattooed on his lower back.
The Onion.
Disney Promises ‘Star Wars’ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before
BURBANK, CA—Hinting at an exciting new phase for the beloved franchise, the Walt Disney Co. released a statement Friday promising Star Wars fans a new era of blind stabs at what they seemed to like before. “Fans of the rich world George Lucas created can expect a consistent output of wildly varying guesses at what might appeal to them,” said Disney CEO Josh D’Amaro, who noted that the studio’s upcoming slate featured a half dozen or so untitled Star Wars films that would continue the stories of characters that executives sure hoped were beloved, or at the very least well-known. “We’re kicking off this phase with next year’s Starfighter, starring Ryan Gosling, who seems pretty popular, right? Fighting in space, that’s a safe bet. We’re excited to see what happens when we throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see which droids stick—and we can only assume fans will be too.” D’Amaro went on to add, “Just putting it out there: Chewbacca, but he has, like, 10 lightsabers. Does that do anything for you?”
The Onion.
Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest
The Onion.
Nicholas Geary
Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in fact— almost indifferently, as though he couldn’t care less.
The Onion.
Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough
WASHINGTON—Alleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. “When I was a kid, a lot more people and animals got hurt, but not anymore—total disgrace!” wrote Trump, who went on to demand that elephants be visibly electrocuted by handlers, that acrobats fall to their deaths from being unable to grip heavily greased trapeze bars, and that at least one clown per performance fully bleed out on the sawdust floor. “I want to see people stick their heads in lions’ mouths again, but it should be an untrained juggler who quickly gets decapitated! And NO MORE NETS for the human cannonball! Sorry! From now on, the cannon should be pointed directly into the crowd wherever the casualty risk to audience members is highest. If these things are done, and if the ringmaster cuts his own throat, then the circus will once again be a tremendous success! DJT.” In a subsequent post, the president said he had just discussed his concerns with Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus, which pledged to report back to him in two weeks with plans for introducing more carnage into its productions.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Newsom Orders Reservoirs Emptied In Preparation For Fire Season
LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom took decisive action on Tuesday as he ordered California reservoirs drained in preparation ahead of this year's fire season.
Party That Promised To Save America Announces It's Not Really Interested In Saving America Anymore
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following months of urging from President Trump and the American people to pass the SAVE Act and secure the integrity of U.S. elections, the party that promised to save America announced that it wasn't really interested in saving America anymore.
Weird, But OK: Woman Carries Child For 9 Months Just To Name Him 'Walter'
KINGMAN, AZ — According to witness accounts, a local woman carried her unborn child to a full 9 months, enduring considerable hardship in the process, only to name him "Walter."
Alex Jones Worried People Will Start To Think Stories Reported By Infowars Are Fake
AUSTIN, TX — Following an announcement that Infowars would soon be converted into a satirical news outlet, American media personality Alex Jones, known for his fringe conspiracy theories related to the Sandy Hook school shooting and homosexual frogs, expressed concern that people would start to think the stories reported by Infowars are fake.
Cyclists Shocked, Dismayed To Learn Vehicles Also Allowed To Use Roads
U.S. — Few things can perturb bicyclists, the carefree pedalers who move only slightly faster than a human can run, except for one thing: something getting in the way of their bicycling. That's why they've expressed shock and dismay to find something else using their roads: cars.
ClickHole
A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’
Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners.
Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy.
Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with.
When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].”
“Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.”
President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists.
Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves!
It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.
This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall
Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.
What do you notice?
Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?
Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.
This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.
It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.
Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.
Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.
You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.
Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.
Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’
If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.”
Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times.
Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society.
“I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.”
For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.
We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis
While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what.
Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.
The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker
One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker.
It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris.
When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table.
But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.
“I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.”
As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker.
Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.
Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address
If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning.
After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain.
PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.
This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you?
Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.
Duffel Blog
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
Support military children. One of them is making decisions.
The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
Daily Mash
‘This is just the beginning,’ vow Leicester after relegation to third tier
LEICESTER have promised their fans their relegation is not a fluke and is only the beginning of a bold new chapter of abject failure.
The team, who triumphantly left the Championship with a 2-2 draw against Hull City yesterday, believe that a season of glamour ties against the likes of Wycombe and Doncaster is just the start.
Manager Gary Rowett said: “There are critics out there saying this is down to one spectacularly unlucky run and we can’t possibly sustain it. I say to them, just watch.
“We’re going to build on this next season. We’ll be buying rejects from the Scottish leagues, we’ll be getting knocked out of the Vertu trophy in the second round, and our managerial merry-go-round will be a spiral down the drain.
“This last season has shown we’re more than ready to compete with the elite of England’s scum towns and it’s whetted our appetite for more. I believe, and so do the lads, that we can take this all the way to League Two and perhaps the dizzy depths below.”
Fan Steve Malley said: “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. With our luck we’ll be back in the Championship within a couple of seasons.”
How to bore people off, by Keir Starmer
MANAGED to piss off your employees, your opponents and your own party? No problem. Bore them into submission like I do:
Look boring
Deaden any attacks against you by sporting an unremarkable haircut, forgettable glasses, and a limp, quivering smile. Not only will it make you hard to locate in a room, it defangs any attempt to criticise your physical appearance. They’ll have to criticise your actions which they’ll struggle to remember, leaving them in a confused huff.
Speak in a boring voice
Bogging others down in the minutiae of a scandal works even better when you drone on in a dreary tone that glides off the ears. When you get to the bit where you mishandled it badly, they’ve already stopped listening. Switch to discussing a particularly interesting bollard you saw last week and they won’t even notice.
Be boringly awkward
Charismatic politicans like Boris Johnson are a spectacle even in decline. Being a pathetic little spod who doesn’t even react when his briefcase is thrown in the road? Takes the fun out of it. When they keep hitting you with fresh allegations and you do nothing, they’ll quickly tire of it and wander away. Worked at school, works in politics.
Be boringly reasonable
Nothing dampens anger like a bit of logic. When the press is baying for blood, discuss procedure, shift blame to another non-entity with the same fascination for rules, and debate it in measured tones. Even the most incendiary of scandals will wither away like cooked spinach, leaving you free to do it all again next month.
Bring up your boring f**king dad again
There’s nothing duller than something everyone’s heard a thousand times before, so I like to discuss my late father the toolmaker. You’re already so bored I could confess to murder in this sentence and you’d never know. Eyes glaze over, thoughts turn to almost anything else, and before they know you’ve scuttled away like a gray octopus.
Londoner had to get tram, two trains, bus, Lime bike, electric scooter, boat, and cable-car to work
A LONDONER’S journey to work resembles Odysseus’s journey home from Troy according to her self-serving bullshit account of the saga.
Carolyn Ryan of Croydon claims to have used seven different forms of transport to reach her central London office during a Tube strike because, as a senior onboarding manager, they would collapse without her for even a single day.
She said: “Outsiders from the provinces wouldn’t understand. Most of them live next door to the factory they work at. They’d never have our resourcefulness.
“I began by walking for 45 minutes, then I caught the tram, and from there I got an overground train which is completely different from a normal Underground train no matter how much my mum says ‘they’re the same’.
“My second train terminated early so I got a bus the wrong way until I spotted a discarded Lime bike, hopped on and cycled to the cable-car which took me to the Uber boat up the Thames. Then a quick scooter ride and I was there.
“It just shows how ingenious and adaptable we Londoners are and what a wealth of transport options we have. I’m actually prouder to live here than ever. And it only cost £835.90 on my Oyster card.”
Tube driver Bill McKay said: “You can’t even massively inconvenience the f**king bastards without it becoming an opportunity for one-upmanship.”
Woke UFC fan separates martial arts from martial artist
A MAN with left-wing beliefs who enjoys watching men beat each other senseless is able to separate a fighter’s skills from his politics.
Jordan Gardner, who is unemployed and pansexual, says he can enjoy the balletic grace of a spin kick to the neck while deploring the gladiator’s vocal support for Trump.
He continued: “I have a master’s degree in the poetry of Sylvia Plath. It’s just that I also very much enjoy seeing a man getting his head kicked in.
“Yes, a lot of the fighters have problematic views and aren’t shy about using their platform to voice them. I blame the steroids and repeated concussions. But just because I cheer them on while they beat the living shit out of each other doesn’t mean I endorse that.
“Bryce Mitchell is an angel of pure vengeance inside the octagon, dealing out merciless, savage beatings that lift me aloft on wings of bloody joy. For me, that’s unrelated to his praise for Hitler and flat-earther beliefs.
“Just because he homeschools his son to stop him becoming a Satan-worshipping gay communist doesn’t mean his ground elbow knockout of Kron Gracie wasn’t a thing of inarguable beauty. He believes Elon Musk is the antichrist, so we’ve common ground.”
He added: “I’d definitely draw the line if one of them were, you know, a terrible criminal. Apart from a criminal record for multiple serious assaults. They mostly have that.”
Madonna or Sabrina Carpenter: Which is the age-appropriate choice for you?
DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide:
Aged 18-20
You’re a little young for 26-year-old Sabrina, but there isn’t the yawning 49-year gap between yourself and Madonna, which even boomers feel is a little wide. So it’s Carpenter for you, perhaps with use of a fake ID.
Aged 20-30
Ideal for Sabrina, being approximately the same age and finding the same memes iconic. She likes an actor, so join your local am-dram group and work your way up. However it never rains but it pours, because Madonna also enjoys a 20something like current partner Akeem Morris and the three before him. It would be wise to invest in lube.
Aged 30-40
Age-wise, a relationship with Sabrina would not raise any eyebrows. Apart from with her rabid online fans who would deem this ‘coercive control’ and stop at nothing to ruin your life. For 67-year-old Madge? A little old, if she’s honest. As long as you don’t bleat on about ‘settling down’ she’ll keep you around as a side piece.
Aged 40-50
At this point you’re in ‘I didn’t know you had a daughter!’ territory with Sabrina which, given Britain’s ongoing hysteria over paedophiles, isn’t great. To add insult to injury, you’re a wizened geriatric to Ms Ciccone. Yes, she should be at the garden centre not Berghain, but she’s chosen a different life.
Aged 50-60
It’s not happening with Sabrina. A terrible shame, because men in their 50s are some of her most devoted fans apart from the music. And Madonna? She’s insulted you’d even consider yourself worthy. As if you’d have the stamina for an eight-hour tantric bondage session. You’re not even a male model.
Aged 60-70
Even looking at Sabrina makes you tired. If she turned up at the door, all sexy? You’d think she was after your Werther’s Originals. Madonna? Ah, you remember her fondly from your wanking youth. Draw her into nostalgia about how outrageous she was and she might possibly break you out a handjob.
Aged 70+
Sex with Sabrina would kill you, and she wouldn’t feel great about it either. A twilight years care home romance with Madonna? Explain this is actually the most transgressive, shocking thing she could do and she’d be well up for it, provided you’re willing to squeeze into her Blonde Ambition corset. Playing the long game paid off.
The Poke
‘What is a job that looks incredibly fun from the outside, but is actually a soul-crushing nightmare?’ – 21 secretly crappy career paths
If you’re one of the rare people who grew up to do their dream job, congratulations …maybe. Sometimes, getting what you want can be the point at which you realise you don’t want it, and even jobs that look really cool from the outside can be very different for those who have them. Over on […]
The Poke.
Trump blamed the Democrats for the US failing to get a deal with Iran, and an inconvenient truth entered the chat
Just so we’re all clear, Donald Trump has never been responsible for anything that’s gone wrong. High prices at the petrol pumps? Biden! Losing the 2020 election? Biden and Obama! Cheating on all three wives? That was probably Bill Clinton’s fault. He’s now trying to lay his administration’s failure to get a new peace deal […]
The Poke.
‘What do tourists get wrong about the UK?’ – 21 ways we are not a nation of tea-swilling queue obsessives
Tea, queuing, bad teeth and an insatiable love of Greggs. That’s British people down to a tee, right? Well, maybe there’s more to us as a nation if you dig a deeper. AskUK subreddit user AlucardVTep3s has been mulling this over, and posted the following: What do tourists get wrong about the UK? People that […]
The Poke.
This argument between Joe Rogan and Bernie Sanders about climate change epitomizes why it’s impossible to reason with Magas
We must learn from history. Even if it’s an archival clip from the Joe Rogan podcast. The host of that podcast, who looks like a big toe squirming out of a hole in a sock in front of a microphone, brings up climate change during this classic clip with guest Bernie Sanders. Rogan then references […]
The Poke.
A mum complained she was ‘trapped’ in the £850k home she is unable to sell and Twitter wasn’t exactly overflowing with sympathy
To the i Newspaper which has been casting its, er, eye on the state of the housing market and in particular the case of Maureen Evans who complained that she was ‘trapped’ in her £850k house because she’s unable to sell it and give some of the money to her children. At 70, I’m trapped […]
The Poke.
