The Onion
White House Doctor: ‘The President Has Very Strong Nipples’
The Onion.
What To Know About ‘Euphoria’ Season 3
After leaving fans waiting for more than four years, Euphoria is back for its third and final season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the HBO drama.
Q: Which members of the cast are returning?
A: Willingly, none of them.
Q: How many episodes will there be?
A: This season will make up for lost time by being 94 episodes long.
Q: With a five-year time jump, what are the characters up to now?
A: Cassie is launching an OnlyFans, Jules is working as a sugar baby, Nate is a gigolo, Maddy is a human footstool, and Rue is a high-end glory hole owner.
Q: Do I need to watch the previous seasons first?
A: If you want to be as confused as everyone else is, yes.
Q: Is Luke Combs in it?
A: Uh, no. Was he supposed to be?
Q: Should I watch it to understand my kids better?
A: Only if your kid is Sam Levinson, who needs to be understood better.
The Onion.
Casket Still Has Stock Corpse In It
ATHENS, GA—Noting that the dead body was “far more handsome” than her deceased brother, local woman Danielle Lundy confirmed the casket she purchased this week still had a stock corpse inside. “I get that they want to sell caskets, but it feels kind of dishonest to put these perfect dead bodies with their ideal facial features in there,” Lundy said of the younger, physically fit corpse, which had a better haircut than her departed sibling. “It’s a nice place holder, I suppose, even though John was never this well groomed when alive. I’ll admit this stock corpse is easing me into the grieving process.” At press time, Lundy decided that she preferred the stock corpse and left it in the casket for the funeral.
The Onion.
Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today
STANFORD, CA—Calling it a “pretty slow one” as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that not much evolution happened today. “According to our observations over the past 24 hours, the vast majority of species on earth have pretty much just been holding steady and staying the course, gene-wise,” said biologist Clarice Abernathy, adding that the heritable characteristics of eastern chipmunks, sensitive ferns, and nearly all other living organisms were pretty much exactly where they were yesterday. “No real genetic curveballs from frogs today, nor any new species of bats or ungulates to report. Nothing crawling out of the ocean to give terrestrial life a shot, either. A house sparrow with venom glands hatched, which could have been interesting, but it got eaten by a cat almost immediately, so that’s still a wash for evolution. Oh, and yak hair is, like, half a millimeter shorter now, but you really have to be looking for it to notice.” At press time, the biologists were reportedly blasting an armadillo with gamma radiation to see if they couldn’t get a little evolution going themselves.
The Onion.
Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol
WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him to seriously neglect his relationship with alcohol. “I thought I had it under control, but then I got promoted, and suddenly I was skipping every happy hour to stay late on Zoom calls with clients in other time zones,” said Tesser, who added that he knew he had a problem when he started coming home from work so exhausted that beers would sit unopened in his fridge for days, and he would find himself uttering empty promises to make up for it over the weekend. “It breaks my heart to realize how much I’m missing out on because I’m not showing up at the bar—it’s like I don’t even know the regulars anymore. The other day the bartender asked where I’d been and said, ‘The gin sodas miss you, man.’ I almost started crying. I’m worried that one day I’m going to look back and realize I wasted my best drinking years on an unfulfilling job.” Vowing to turn his life around, Tesser told reporters he has resolved to shut his laptop promptly at 5 p.m. each Friday so he can spend a two-day bender enjoying quality time with Twisted Tea.
The Onion.
ClickHole
What A Letdown: Grandma Just Emerged From Her Chrysalis Looking Exactly Like She Did Before
When Grandma entered her chrysalis three years ago, everyone thought she would come out looking completely different. We all got super excited to see what kind of disgusting or beautiful creature Grandma would become, and we assumed this would give us all sorts of interesting things to look at and talk about. Sadly, it turns out that we’ve been left with nothing but a huge letdown, because Grandma just emerged from her chrysalis looking exactly like she did before.
What a huge disappointment. We waited all that time and wound up with the same exact Grandma we started with.
Everyone remembers exactly what they were doing on that fateful day three years ago when Grandma tapped on a glass in the middle of dinner to get everyone’s attention and calmly said, “It’s time for me to transform,” before getting up and walking into the living room. When we finally checked on her a few days later, we discovered that her body had become fully enveloped inside of a shimmering green and gold chrysalis that hung above one of our recliners.
That first moment of realizing Grandma had entered her chrysalis form was filled with so much hope and promise. We all remember how everyone in the family was hugging and cheering at the sight of Grandma’s chrysalis swaying slightly as it hung from the ceiling. We were all so excited about the possibility that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking completely different.
For the next three years, everyone in the family was speculating wildly about what Grandma might transform into when she finally emerged from her chrysalis. Dad thought she might come out looking like an angel with enormous feathered wings and gigantic biceps who could lift him up over her head and fly him around town while he shouted curse words and flipped people off.
“People would look up in the sky and scream, ‘Stop saying curse words! Stop flipping us off!’” Dad used to say, his eyes glazed over with a faraway look as he imagined Grandma’s helpful new body. “But they wouldn’t be able to do anything because my mother-in-law would be flying like a thousand miles in the sky and carrying me around, so if they wanted me to stop yelling swears at them from above, they would have to use missiles, and those are hard to get if you’re not the army, so there’d be no way to stop me.”
Mom said that she hoped that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking exactly like Vladimir Lenin so that she could enter Grandma in the county fair’s annual Lenin Lookalike Contest and win the set of golf clubs they offer as the grand prize every year.
Grandpa hoped that she came out looking like “a big swarm of flies” so that he could “see what it was like to be married to a big swarm of flies.” He also sometimes imagined that Grandma would emerge from the chrysalis looking like “a monster who is half donkey, half car, and half monster” so that he could “kiss a weird thing for free all the time.” Everyone in the family agreed this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said about another person in the history of human civilization.
The rest of the family also had all sorts of amazing dreams for what Grandma might be turning into during her three years in the chrysalis. Some of us thought she was going to come out looking like a big ball of wriggling human fingers, others thought that she was going to become a big spider or a small spider or a normal-sized spider as big as a bus. Cousin Dorothy speculated that Grandma would turn into “a mysterious antlered beast that will only emerge from the forest during lunar festivals.”
The possibilities seemed endless, and yet they all came crashing down just this morning when Grandma clawed her way out of her chrysalis looking exactly the same as she had when she first went in three years ago. She just fell out of the chrysalis onto the living room floor, stood up, looked at the whole family who were staring at her in shocked silence, and said, “I’m new,” before immediately going into the kitchen to start shoving fistfuls of potato chips into her mouth. When we asked her what the deal was, Grandma explained that she “became goo” inside the chrysalis, but then she apparently just reconstituted herself right back into the same exact body she started with.
Dad got so emotional that he punched a hole in the drywall.
Needless to say, this is one of the biggest letdowns our family has ever had. This is the kind of chrysalis-related anticlimax you always imagine happening to other people, but never to you. Now that it has, we’re all still trying to process how she could have spent so much time in there without a single visible transformation. Grandpa even cried a little bit when he realized that he was never, ever going to know what it’s like to be married to a big swarm of flies. Here’s hoping our family is able to pick up the pieces after this and we can find a way to heal in the wake of this catastrophe.
Reducing Distractions: Alamo Drafthouse Has Announced That They’re Going To Stop Showing Movies So Customers Can Focus On Ordering Food
All good businesses adapt and evolve with changing times, and one of America’s most iconic chains just announced a major policy update that’s going to keep them thriving for decades to come: Alamo Drafthouse has announced that they’re going to stop showing movies so customers can focus on ordering food.
Seriously impressive! It’s awesome to see Alamo Drafthouse cut down on distractions so their customers can concentrate on their amazing cuisine.
“Here at the Alamo Drafthouse, we understand that hamburgers and popcorn so much better when you’re not cramming them in your mouth while staring mindlessly at a big, loud movie,” read a message posted this morning on the official Alamo Drafthouse Instagram page, which featured photographs of smiling customers staring intently at plates of hamburgers, popcorn, salads, and cookies, with the large screen previously used to show noisy, distracting movies now featuring the words “It is dinner time” projected in tasteful, understated text. “Everything you loved about the Alamo Drafthouse is staying the same: We’re keeping the room extremely dark, all the seats are facing the wall, and babies are not allowed. All that’s changed is that the annoying films that used to make eating in our restaurant a distracting ordeal are finally getting the boot!”
No matter who you are or what you believe, you’ve got to admit that this is an amazing idea!
In a series of follow-up posts, Alamo Drafthouse emphasized that all of their world-famous rules and regulations will remain in place in order to maintain that one-of-a-kind Alamo Drafthouse experience. Diners will still be prohibited from talking to one another or texting at any point during their meal. Servers will still monitor the dining area for signs of conversation, and will still eject anyone caught violating these policies. You’ll also get to enjoy the amazing Alamo dining experience of sitting in an individual chair with your own little private table, with everyone in the room facing the same direction. The only difference is that you’ll finally be free of those bright, loud movies that made next to impossible to fully appreciate the burgers and salads.
This is so exciting! It’s safe to say that this is going to totally take visits to the Alamo Drafthouse to a whole other level. We can’t wait to visit the Alamo Drafthouse now that they’re getting rid of insanely noisy, distracting movies and letting their diners focus on what matters most: delicious food and world-class beers. Other restaurants, take note: this is how you update your business for the twenty-first century!
Fascinating: This Website Has A Message That Just Says Visitors Will Never Be Able To Read Any Of Its Articles No Matter How Much They Pay Or How Many Things They Click
Some websites monetize their content with paywalls, while others rely on mandatory ad clicks or different subscription tiers. One website, however, refuses to play the game altogether: This website has a message that just says visitors will never be able to read any of its articles no matter how much they pay or how many things they click.
What a fascinating business model! This website doesn’t give a damn how badly anyone wants to read their work, ‘cause it ain’t happening!
When readers open a link to an article by The Savannah Journal, a Georgia-based digital publisher, their reading experience starts and ends with a pop-up window bearing a bold statement.
“The Savannah Journal staff appreciates your interest in our content. You will never, ever read this article, or anything on our website. We welcome you to try, by either: signing up for a pay-what-you-wish annual subscription at the link below, for which you will receive access to nothing, even if you pay us $1 million per day; or, by viewing an infinite loop of mandatory video ads, which we receive money for, while you receive nothing.
Thank you for supporting our website. People like you make our work possible.”
Frank Broussard, The Savannah Journal’s Editor-in-Chief, says the website’s unique ‘No Readership’ model allows its reporting staff to do their job without the burden of trying to meet web traffic quotas, publishing eyesore banner ads, or pandering to the interests and intellects of anyone but themselves.
“The only people reading the incredible work we’re doing at The Savannah Journal are the people writing it, and that’s the way we like it. If you’d like to read our work too, fat chance, ‘cause the only way that’s happening is by getting a job here,” explained Broussard. “Nonetheless, our site’s visitors mean the world to us. We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without people who aren’t allowed to see what we do.”
Is this the future of website monetization?!
Props to The Savannah Journal for carving out their own path in the cutthroat world of digital journalism. It’s a tough industry, and if their website’s model proves successful, they might just revolutionize it.
Driving The Boys Crazy: All The Random AI Programs On Your Computer Are Desperately Fighting For Permission To Summarize Your Meeting
If you’ve been wondering why there’s extra pep in your step, it’s probably the attention you’ve been stirring up every time you sign onto Google Meet. That’s right: all the random AI programs on your computer are desperately fighting for permission to summarize your meeting.
Ow owwwwwww! Looks like we’ve got ourselves a heartbreaker!
The second your work video call begins, allllllll the programs on your computer come crawling out of the woodwork, practically begging to summarize your meeting. First, there’s Google Gemini—and sure, you could downplay it by saying that it has to ask you since that’s where you’re taking the call, but let’s be real, if it didn’t want you, it wouldn’t ask. Google wants to use AI to summarize YOUR meeting, because it’s obsessed with YOU!
Further sign you’re totally hot shit: Adobe Acrobat is also right there, pleading with you to please allow it to transcribe this meeting with AI. Like, come on, give us a break with all this desperation, Adobe! Since when have they even done AI stuff? They literally want your attention so bad that the thing you use for viewing PDFs is now tryna transcribe your meeting!
“Give Adobe Acrobat permission to summarize this meeting with AI?” More like “Give Adobe Acrobat permission to eat you out!”
Not to mention, there are a couple programs popping up to plead for your hand in AI summarizing that you straight up didn’t even know were on your computer! Whether “otter.ai” or “tl;dv” are hackers or totally legit programs you must’ve installed then immediately forgot about, either way, it’s safe to say you’re driving these boys absolutely wild.
Enjoy the affection, you absolute minx!
6 Reasons I Always Put Myself Down As My Emergency Contact Instead Of My Wife
Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision:
1. Men deal with emergencies better
While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could.
2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away
Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call.
3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of
My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call.
4. She probably wouldn’t want to know
My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it.
5. She might be busy
Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time.
6. I don’t know her phone number
Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.
Duffel Blog
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
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The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement
ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”
US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq
WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”
Best served warm from a dusty pallet.
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Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”
Iran mines own business
TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”
We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you.
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The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Daily Mash
Migrants falsely claiming UK is pleasant and they would like to stay
‘Should I stay with my current partner?’ and other decisions to outsource to an AI chatbot
GOT a critical life choice to make? Why not allow a frequently hallucinating AI chatbot to make the right call? Here’s what ChatGPT and others should be advising you on.
Should I stay with my current partner?
Relationships are difficult. You might feel your current partner isn’t ‘the one’ but also be terrified of being alone. AI will sift and weigh the evidence and give perfect advice – if you ignore the fact that it doesn’t actually know you or your partner. And the slightly bigger problem that it doesn’t know what humans, objects or itself are.
Should I quit my job?
Choosing to leave your job is a huge decision, and one not to be taken lightly. With a challenging employment market, now is the perfect time to turn this choice over to a large language model prone to hallucinating weird, clearly wrong things, like the Battle of Hastings being a Seth Rogen film from 2012.
Should I have children?
There is probably no decision in life more profound than whether to bring children into the world. Forget the wealth of human resources around you – family, friends, trusted colleagues – and leave it in the hands of a racist robot programmed by Elon Musk. It will probably send an alert to Elon so that he can creepily offer to provide the sperm himself.
Should I move abroad?
You may have strong ties to Britain, but is it time to see more of the world and explore new opportunities? The answer can only come from inside yourself, or failing that, the aggregated top five queries on Claude. Looks like you’re going to Dubai or Benidorm. You’ll adore living in either, statistically speaking.
Should I use an AI chatbot to make all my life decisions?
At this point, having free will is just burdensome. ChatGPT knows better than you whether using it will end happily. It knows the future, after all, and that’s why it’s assuring you that setting up a business organising ‘pet raves’ is the great idea you’ve always known it is.
Six people who tough guy Trump will never dare confront
PRESIDENT Trump is unafraid of anyone and ready to pick fights with NATO, close allies and the Pope indiscriminately. But he won’t be challenging these:
Benjamin Netanyahu
Trump is, however haphazardly, attempting a ceasefire in the Middle East. Meanwhile the man who talked him into the war continues to bomb, invade and annex a neighbouring country and reserves the right to strike Iran if the whim takes him. From his Gaza real-estate partner and close buddy Trump? Not a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.
Vladimir Putin
When the war against Iran was still raging, who was providing them with attack drones? Who helped them out with air defences? Who provided real-time information on the location of warships and aircraft? Who else but Iran’s ally Russia. Trump said nothing, though he may have called to commiserate over the loss of close mutual friend Viktor Orbán.
Xi Jinping
Iran’s Revolutionary Guard needs a spy satellite? Xi has one available, ideal for tracking movement of US ships and radar positions, Temu-priced. All Starmer did was refuse to send two broken-down aircraft carriers when the war was already over, according to Trump, but Xi provides a satellite and then ignores both blockades with impunity.
Rupert Murdoch
There has been one minor £10 billion suit against the Wall Street Journal, but that’s just Trump’s way of showing respect. To the owner of Fox News and commander of its horde of zombie Americans who could switch their allegiances with one week of propaganda, Trump never says a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.
King Shark
Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump has always known he will die in the jaws of their monarch. Dismissing claims he is ‘just a comics character’ because he’s seen the guy himself in films, the president leaves a bucket of chum outside the West Wing every night to satiate his nemesis. But cannot criticise him, for he is of the blood Royal.
Melania Trump
Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump married Melania because of her black, soulless eyes and predatory instinct. Afraid to touch her lest he lose an arm, he doesn’t even mention her bizarre White House press conference about barely having met sex-trafficking paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Not that it’s Epstein-related.
All of pub quizmaster’s questions about Gillian Anderson
A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson.
Attendees at the Prince of Wales in Ramsgate were expecting Roy Hobbs to include varied topics such as science, literature and sport, but he chose instead to focus exclusively on the life, works and shoe size of the star of The X-Files.
Trivia buff Norman Steele said: “There were a few hoots of laughter when we got to question four and it was still about her. And how were we supposed to know what she said was her favourite brand of lingerie in an interview in 2003?
“By question 18 I was beginning to suspect this wasn’t a quiz so much as a Gillian Anderson appreciation society with a scoring system. The winner should get a restraining order.
“By the second round we’d covered her entire filmography, her childhood pets and what Roy insisted was widely believed to be her preferred flavour of crisp. I wrote ‘plain’ but he got angry and said I’d insulted an actress of her calibre.
“The thing is, we’ve done Beatles nights and Harry Potter, so just Gillian Anderson isn’t impossible. But when Roy started asking about her role in a 1997 all-nude production of Hamlet that clearly existed only in his head I felt it was no longer a bona fide trivia quiz.
“He wouldn’t let us keep our team names either. We wanted to be ‘The No Hopers’, but he kept calling us ‘The No Hopers with Gillian Because She’s Out of Our League’. Which is too long to write on the paper.”
Hobbs said: “I did write a science question. It was what element Gilly would be on the periodic table. The answer was clearly ‘unobtainium’, so I don’t know why everyone struggled.”
JD Vance’s guide to controlling women for their own good
JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies – for her and you.
It keeps women safe
Controlling women isn’t a sad little power trip for insecure men, it’s about their safety. If you don’t ban them from actually highly-regulated activities like skydiving, before you know it they’ll be bullfighting or playing Russian roulette. Because ‘slippery slope’ arguments are always correct.
They have more free time
By saying ‘Wear that dress’ or ‘Those heels make you look like a whore’ you’re saving women the trouble of making decisions, leaving them free to pursue other interests. Such as ensuring your home is spotless and doing large amounts of unnecessary baking, in a traditional way that fits in with my particular brand of conservative Catholicism but isn’t actually in The Bible.
Women cannot be trusted to go out
When Usha goes out, I do the responsible thing and ask: ‘Who are you meeting? Are any of them men? Are you planning to have sex with them?’ She can be quite disrespectful in her replies, but it’s the only way to ensure she won’t end up writhing in adulterous pleasure with some well-hung young stud every time she leaves the house.
You sound like a big man
Male friends are deeply impressed when, apropos of nothing, you announce you won’t let your wife buy anything without your permission, or similar. Are any of them secretly thinking ‘Jeez, what a pathetic asshole’? Unlikely. I’ll check if I ever have any friends.
It’s only feminism that makes them want free will
I’ve spoken out before about the sexual revolution, and to this day feminism is brainwashing women into thinking they don’t want to be stay-at-home baby factories. I’m not saying they shouldn’t make any decisions at all – as I’ve said to Usha, ‘You are free to breastfeed and change nappies without consulting me’. Respect is a two-way street.
Women are basically children
Like children gorging on sweets, women do things they don’t realise are bad for them. That’s why we’ve agreed Usha shouldn’t use the internet unsupervised. It’s nothing to do with the very real possibility that if she keeps seeing those fat boy memes of me, eventually she’ll think: ‘Shit! Why haven’t I divorced this petulant little dick?’
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