McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil

A McDonald’s employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think? “Is my Ranch Snack Wrap coming or not?” Krista Giffee, Syrup Stirrer “It’s easy to mistake your colleague for a French fry after a long shift.” Lyle Seeds, Cabinet Sander “That’s why you should always check how hot your oil is before you throw it on someone.” Gene Valenti, Jingle Singer The Onion.

Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners

SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic paper portfolios as a foolproof way for men to conceal their awkward, shameful erections without needing a prescription from a doctor or a visit to the school supply section of Target. “Whether you’ve taken too many of our patented ED meds and are suffering from perma-wood that will not go down or just saw a pretty lady at the grocery store, take our quiz today to find out if a quarter-inch-thick piece of folded cardstock is right for setting on your lap when aroused in public. While there is not currently an FDA-approved treatment for getting hard at work during a meeting about quarterly revenue targets right before you have to stand up to present, this off-label use of a plain, navy-blue folder is a perfectly safe and effective solution that will last for hours when held properly in front of your groin area. Made of all-natural materials that will never irritate your skin as you blush and blurt out, ‘Wait! Don’t come any closer!’” At press time, Hims had also announced an extra-strength file cabinet version of the erection hider for severely titillated men to stand behind. The Onion.

Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week

MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. “Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire and tossed them at ICE agents the other day, and I won $5 in our game!” said Peters, adding that her “lucky roll” of three sixes was the “highlight” of a lively Friday spent drinking mojitos and immolating masked federal immigration officers. “Did any of the agents die? Oh, I don’t know, sweetie. I didn’t really stick around long enough to notice. Sandra stabbed one of those fellas in the throat, I think, and he didn’t get up. But like I was saying, I’ll be hosting bunco next week, and you should come! We need someone to fill in for Leslie after she threw out her back tossing that Molotov. Can I write you in as a ‘maybe?’” At press time, Peters insisted that if Miles couldn’t make it for bunco, he should at least join them for making pipe bombs. The Onion.

The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History

Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken. Randy Johnson In 2002, the Big Unit shattered the MLB record for most birds killed by a starting pitcher in a regular-season game when his fastball exploded over 43 pigeons. Tom Brady The legendary Patriots quarterback won a record seven Super Bowls, which is easily the most Super Bowls ever won by a divorced man. American Pharoah In a feat many claim is more impressive than his Triple Crown win, the thoroughbred clinched horse racing’s record for most jockeys eaten when he devoured four adult men in a single paddock attack. Deion Sanders Prime Time remains the only athlete in history to hit a home run, score a touchdown, and give up 33 goals as an NHL goalie in the same week, a display of cross-sport dominance that will almost certainly never be matched. John Isner and Nicolas Mahut In 2010, Isner and Mahut made tennis history after a spectator snuck a non-Newtonian time dilator into the stadium and their first-round Wimbledon match lasted over 400 years. CC Sabathia This Hall of Famer holds baseball’s all-time record for most sunflower-seed shells trapped in a neck roll, with 183. Ken Griffey Sr. and Ken Griffey Jr. The pair jointly holds the professional sports record for most time spent by a father-son duo discreetly glimpsing each other’s penises in the locker-room shower, with a cumulative 259 minutes—255 minutes longer than active leaders LeBron and Bronny James. O.J. Simpson No other athlete has won both the Heisman Trophy and an acquittal for stabbing his ex-wife 12 times. The Onion.

Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos’ Human Chessboard

MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound. “We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the condition of anonymity, claiming that human chess pieces are expected to stand motionless for more than eight hours at a time on the board’s three-by-three-foot squares and cannot move until Bezos or his opponent orders them to. “Many times, we’ve had to resort to urinating in plastic bottles inside our giant pawn costumes. Sometimes we’re out there for days because he’s away at one of his other properties, but there are cameras everywhere and he’ll dock our pay if we so much as flinch. The only time you’re allowed to be off your feet is when another piece knocks you over.” Reached for comment, an Amazon spokesperson denied the allegations, noting that employees are free to move one or two squares forward during their shift and receive plenty of exercise on occasions when one piece takes another and Bezos forces them to participate in choreographed battles to the death.  The Onion.

Was Jesus The Long-Awaited Messiah? 9 Subtle Clues

As Christians, we believe Jesus was the Messiah, or anointed one, and a fulfillment of Jewish scripture. But we understand that it might not be obvious to everyone, so let us guide you through some of the more subtle hints in the Bible that Jesus was truly the one called Christ.

Starmer To Irish: Let’s Not Bicker And Argue About Who Beheaded Whom

LONDON — Public uprisings in Ireland flared once again last night, as Irish citizens lashed out in anger following the attempted beheading of an Irishman by a Sudanese migrant, leading UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer to ask the Irish not to bicker and argue over who beheaded whom.

Obama Says If He Had A Son Who Stabbed Someone In The Heart With A Knife, He Would Look Just Like Karmelo Anthony

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As racial tensions continued to rise in the wake of the verdict handed down in the Austin Metcalf murder trial, a somber former President Barack Obama said if he had a son who stabbed someone in the heart with a knife, he would look just like Karmelo Anthony.

Maine Updates State Flag With Swastika

AUGUSTA, ME — The citizens of Maine have cast their votes to officially update the state flag to include a swastika.

Life Hack: Wife Texting You Too Much? Reply 'Unsubscribe' And She's Legally Required To Stop

Unsubscribing from spam texts is well known, but did you know you can also unsubscribe from your wife? All you have to do is text back "UNSUBSCRIBE" and she's legally required to stop.

‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench

The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.  What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line! Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction. But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.  Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!  How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!  It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!

Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That

Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that. Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry! “We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.” It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it! In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision. “We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.” Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”  “Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.” United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!

Grandpa’s 4 Least Successful Attempts At Becoming An Influencer

As we all know, Grandpa has long dreamed of becoming an influencer and has been trying for years to make it happen. He’s never really come close, but some of his attempts have been worse than others. Here are Grandpa’s four least successful attempts at becoming an influencer. 1. The Time Grandpa Tried To Make A YouTube Channel Dedicated To Raising The Dead One of Grandpa’s biggest influencer misfires was when he started a channel called Conquering Death With Grandpa Sal, a YouTube channel where he tried to raise the dead. There were endless problems with this channel right from the get-go. First of all, Grandpa thought the way to raise the dead was by clipping alligator clamps for jumpstarting cars onto the corpses’ hands and then starting his car. This didn’t bring the corpses back to life, but it did make them jiggle around and catch on fire. Grandpa’s catchphrase for the channel was, “If they move at all, then they’re back from the dead,” which did not end up catching on even though he ended every video with it. Worst of all, Grandpa got the corpses for this channel by digging them up from the local cemetery, which was extremely illegal. The channel received 1400 views in total over 600 videos, and he got arrested three times before he finally gave up. 2. The Time Grandpa Made People Fight To The Death To Win A Car That Wasn’t His To Give Away Grandpa got really into Mr. Beast during the pandemic, and he was particularly inspired by the crazy contests Mr. Beast would do where contestants would compete for amazing prizes like Lamborghinis and mansions. In an attempt to jump-start his own influencer career, Grandpa started a YouTube channel which, in an attempt to game Google algorithms for people searching for the real Mr. Beast, he called “Mr. Old Grandfather Beast The Animal Mr. Contest.” In his first video, he made two strangers fight to the death and told them that the last man standing would win a Volkswagen Beetle.  The two men fought each other and one killed the other. Then Grandpa knocked on the door of the house where the Volkswagen was parked. A woman answered the door and Grandpa said, “Hello, I’m Mr. Contest, the Beast’s Animal Grandfather. This man just murdered someone and he won your car. Give it to him, please.” The woman looked at the contest winner, covered in blood and standing over the mangled corpse of the man he’d just killed. Then she said, “No, I need my car,” and closed the door. Grandpa shuttered the YouTube channel the next day. 3. The Time Grandpa Tried To Complete A 48-Hour Long Mukbang Marathon Livestream Grandpa knew that the mukbang videos where people ate on camera were incredibly popular. He also knew that marathon livestreams were incredibly popular. He decided that if combined these two influencer trends, it would be a guaranteed path to fame and fortune. So Grandpa made a livestream video where he ate food on camera for 48 hours straight. He opened a donation tab and said that the money would go toward “helping the angry.” Unfortunately, the only food that Grandpa had on the stream were ingredients for tuna sandwiches.  After about 12 hours of eating tuna sandwich after tuna sandwich, Grandpa started to feel sick, but he had to keep going. Thousands of sandwiches later, Grandpa still had over 20 hours of eating left to do, and he had only raised $9 for the angry. He started begging the 20 viewers on his stream to let him stop, but they all commented, “No.” So he had to keep going. At hour 41, with just seven hours left to go, Grandpa fell face first into a pile of tuna sandwiches and slipped into a coma. The comments on the stream kept saying things like, “Eat more,” and “Coward, you are not done.” The stream continued for another seven hours until Grandma finally came into Grandpa’s office, turned off the webcam and called an ambulance. She told the ambulance to “drive here slowly.” Grandpa eventually made a full recovery. 4. The Time Grandpa Tried To Do Parkour And Disappeared Into The Sky Grandpa made a YouTube channel called “Royal Parkour Of Grandpa.” In his first video, he ran toward a wall and jumped. He kept going up and up and up into the sky and never came down.

5 Common Scams That Fraudsters Use To Get You To Mail Them Your Eyeballs

Eyeball fraud is one of the top one hundred types of fraud currently happening online. In order to protect your peepers from digital eyeball thieves, it’s important to recognize the strategies they use to trick innocent people like you. Here are five common scams that fraudsters use to get you to mail them your eyeballs. 1. They Send You An Email With The Subject Line “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” Let’s be clear: anyone who needs your eyeballs for a legitimate reason will ALWAYS put the reason they need them in the subject line of an email. Sometimes your doctor might send you an email with the subject line, “Mail Me Your Eyeballs So I Can Wash Them,” or your priest might send you an email with a subject line that says, “Give Me Your Eyes So I Can Throw Them At The Devil.” In these cases, the clarity is a good sign: you are probably not getting scammed. BUT, If the subject line just says, “Gonna Need Your Eyes…” and the body of the email says something like, “You do not need to understand why your eyeballs must be mine. Please mail them to me as fast as anyone ever could,” then this is a red flag for sure. It’s almost a guarantee that this person wants your eyeballs for nefarious reasons unrelated to the health and security of you and your community.  2. They Claim You’ve Been Selected For An “Eyeball Exchange” If you get a phone call or email from someone you’ve never met before claiming that you have been selected for something called an “Eyeball Exchange,” there’s a really good chance you are being targeted by an eyeball fraudster. The person on the phone might explain that you have been chosen to trade eyeballs with a famous person like Christian Slater or Matthew Rhys. They’ll say all you need to do is mail them your eyeballs and in the next five to six weeks you’ll receive a celebrity’s eyeballs in the mail that you can use as your own. Nine times out of ten, you are being tricked. You will never get Matthew Rhys’s eyeballs. They will have your eyeballs, and you will have empty eye sockets that you’ll need to fill with olives or golf balls. 3. They Send You A Postage Paid Box With The Words “Put Both Of Your Eyeballs In Here” On It It might seem really convenient that these people have already paid for the postage to mail them your eyeballs, but think about what’s happening here: They haven’t told you WHO they are, or WHY they need your eyeballs. This is a major sign that they are trying to defraud you. They don’t want your eyeballs for any good reason. They’re just trying to steal from you.  4. They Take Out A Billboard Near Your House That Has An Address On It Assuming You’ll See It And Mail Your Eyes There Sometimes you’ll be driving on a road near your house, and you’ll see a billboard that has nothing on it except a mailing address. Your first instinct might be to think, “That’s an awesome address. I should take out my eyeballs and mail them there.” While this might seem like the natural thing to do, you should definitely think twice. That billboard was most likely put there by criminals who want to trick you into mailing them your eyeballs for nefarious purposes, and as easy as it would be to send your eyeballs to their address, it might not be the best choice for you and your future health. 5. They Text You That The IRS Needs Your Eyes Or The Country Will Go Bankrupt This should be common knowledge in our day and age, but the Internal Revenue Service will never text you demanding your eyeballs. If the IRS needs your eyes, they will send the President of the United States to your home to request them in person. So if you get a text from someone claiming to represent the IRS telling you that you need to send your eyeballs to the agency as soon as possible or else the United States will go bankrupt, you should immediately recognize this as a lie. On the other hand, if the president comes to your house and says, “It’s me, Donald Trump or Joe Biden or whoever is president right now, and this country needs you to put your eyeballs in my trouser pockets,” you should go ahead and do that, because that’s a real emergency eyeball situation and your country needs you.

Healthcare In Decline: A Nurse At This Sperm Clinic Just Handed A Donor A Cup, A Ketchup Packet, And A Low-Res Printout Of Lois Griffin In A Bikini

From long wait times to skyrocketing insurance costs, the healthcare system in the richest country in the world continues to degrade in myriad ways. The latest writing on the wall that our healthcare system is starting to resemble that of a third world country more than that of a prosperous nation? A nurse at this sperm clinic just handed a donor a cup, a ketchup packet, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini.  Let that sink in. A sperm clinic that can offer its patients nothing better to masturbate to than Family Guy’s wife.  While one might expect the sperm clinics in a country responsible for a quarter of the entire world’s economic output despite having less than 5% of its population to have a modern, well-organized library of pornography and a selection of state-of-the-art lubricants for their donors to choose from, Cryogenic Laboratories Inc of Roseville, MN offers nothing of the sort. Based on the experience of 32-year-old caterer Jonah Matterson, who was just handed a red Solo cup, a ketchup packet from Popeye’s, and a low-res printout of Lois Griffin in a bikini made on a black-and-white laser printer, our country is heading downhill fast.  The piss poor masturbatory materials were handed to Mr. Matterson by the nurse (who had a bad cough) without any acknowledgment of their subpar utility, showing just how normalized this level of degradation in our healthcare system has become. While he had no problem filling his Solo cup with sperm to the pixelated image of Lois Griffin while using a single ketchup packet as lube, this experience sounds like something you’d have to endure in the healthcare system of a developing nation, not one with an economy larger than all of Europe’s.  This is not okay. Our citizens deserve better than this.

Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems

ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile

AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.

Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans

NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory all-hands change of command ceremony may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week.“We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, and maintenance periods that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my change of command ceremony for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?”Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process.“I just found out a boat is returning from a nine-month deployment,” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.”Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a Navy planning concept used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.”“It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, a former surface warfare officer and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep without legal review, but work and leave are absolutely fair game.”Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, denying leave that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.”“With advancements in AI and machine learning, we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.”Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results.“It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.”Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage uniform inspections, parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early.At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.”🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.

Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons

JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — The Marine Corps Exchange has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week.“One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a junior enlisted barracks holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.”What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized.“That’s too much energy for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.”Korzen paused briefly.“There was moulage everywhere.”After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.”The campaign appears to have had limited success.Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display MV-22 Osprey, Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line.“The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce.Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate.“Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his lost M4 before formation.’ Jesus Christ.”Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel.“The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.”The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative.“They’re going to eat crayons anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.”Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to CLP weapons lubricant.Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases.Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features.“Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.”“It’s basically Narcan," he added.At press time, taps played at another funeral at Camp Lejeune as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak.🖊️Bernard Buttersquash will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.

GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs

CAPITOL HILL — Republican officials announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs, arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid.The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing body of evidence that Navy SEALs are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts.“With a party leader fondly reminiscing about Arnold Palmer’s anatomy, we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.”Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former SEAL Bob Kerrey received the Medal of Honor before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as “a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.” Former SEAL Scott Taylor served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some surface warfare dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky, GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success.Not everyone agrees.Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw, a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos.“The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—”

How to cope with women presenting the World Cup: A guide for gammons

THE World Cup is here, but traditionalists may have a problem with all the female presenters – a whole 35 per cent of the BBC’s team! Here’s how to cope with this onslaught of feminism. Pretend it’s the start of a porn video Well, it almost could be, couldn’t it? With the likes of comely young Alex Scott being ‘shown the ropes’ by seasoned MILF Gabby Logan, and a bewildered man in the middle being made to take part. It’s best not to let your imaginings go too far, though, as it could all end in tears with an unfortunately-timed ejaculation over Alan Shearer. Turn it into a drinking game This could go one of two ways: either take a drink every time the female presenter says something you deem to be ‘obvious’, which inevitably will leave you legless before kick-off, or alternatively down a shot each time they let a man finish a sentence, in which case you’ll be so tediously sober you could legally drive yourself to Scotland. See it as a challenge Regard football ladies as a fun challenge, like sudoku. Pretend they’re a bold step forward, and try to go the entire duration of a match without once snorting in derision at the commentary or the pre- and post-match analysis. You probably won’t succeed, because there’s no way you can understand football with a fanny, but give it a go. Imagine you’ve fallen into an alternative reality Recalling the Two Ronnies’ superb anti-feminist mini-drama The Worm That Turned, spend the World Cup imagining you’ve fallen into a dystopian parallel universe where women are in charge and men are terrorised by gorgeous feminazis in black leather hotpants. If anything you’ll be sad when a male commentator dispels your sexy victimhood fantasies with a grinding cliche like ‘Croatia have got a mountain to climb…’ Get into rugby instead There’s always rugby. It’s the hooligan sport played by gentlemen where being a physically massive bastard is the main thing, and the presenters are pleasingly XY-chromosomed. Plus, no VAR. On the downside there are also no flash Portuguese bastards you can shout at as they make mincemeat of your defenders; no thousands of fans all banding together to shout insults in song form at referees who are just trying to do their job under immense pressure; and the ball is a funny shape. It’s your decision.  Double down on the male presenters You’ve always had a ‘thing’ for Roy Keane anyway. Either that or he reminds you of a scary bearded dad — neither of these disturbing thoughts needs deeper inspection right now. But this is a chance to listen to his opinions with newfound respect bordering on a man-crush. The same applies to Gary Neville, Ian Wright and Micah Richards. But not Mark Chapman. That would be ridiculous.

Going ‘Instagram official’: Dating trends only experienced by very online twats

LEWIS Hamilton has done his bit to go ‘Instagram official’ with Kim Kardashian by posting a picture of her. It’s not the only online dating trend we’re all supposed to be doing.  Throning  Dating someone to raise your status, which in the social media sphere means finding a partner with lots of followers and ‘clout’. This surely rarely happens in real-life, because under these weird new rules of attraction Margot Robbie would be shagging Mr Beast, and thank God she’s not.  Going Instagram official  Just the idea is hilariously stupid: there is NOTHING official about putting a picture on Instagram, and it certainly doesn’t entitle you to child maintenance or half of someone’s house. It’s like saying you’ve committed an Instagram murder by posting a picture of a gun. Puffer fishing  Like a puffer fish, this date becomes defensive if you get too close. You don’t really need the tropical fish metaphor here, since there are plenty of perfectly adequate terms already, such as ‘fear of intimacy’ and ‘refusing to commit’. And let’s not forget ‘not being that into you’ and ‘losing interest once he’s got his leg over’. Chalance dating The opposite of ‘nonchalance’ if you’re stupid, and it means being serious about dates rather than having casual ‘situationships’. Good luck explaining this wanky, obscure term, because if you say ‘Situationships weren’t working for me, so I’m into chalance dating now’ any sane person will think ‘Jesus, what a bellend’, which isn’t conducive to sex. Identity certainty  A sensible precaution of using online tools to verify that someone is who they claim to be, and not a scammer, married or a serial killer. Could there be a more promising start to a date than knowing you’re not going to end up in a shallow grave in the woods? Soft-launching and hard-launching  Celebrities are always doing this, but you suspect there’s not the same level of public interest in you shagging a friend of a friend. You’ve probably simultaneously soft- and hard-launched several relationships already just by going into a pub and saying ‘Guys, this is Emma’. Loud crushing  ‘Loud crushing’ is the practice of being open about a crush on social media rather than playing it cool. You’ve got a feeling this trend was invented by terminally online teenage girls, because if the average woman saw dozens of posts about her by a bloke she barely knew she’d be rightly concerned it was going to progress to ‘forcible chloroforming’.  Breadcrumbing This is when a romantic interest gives you small amounts of attention, similar to how the children in Hansel and Gretel follow a trail of crumbs, but doesn’t take it further. An example might be suggesting you meet up but then constantly bombing you out. Although surely that’s just your normal social life?

Scotland already out of World Cup

SCOTLAND have announced they have been knocked out of the World Cup before playing their first game, with fans largely unsurprised. The team said that, despite being eliminated before their scheduled game against Haiti on Sunday and in fact before the opening game of the tournament, they had achieved more than they ever hoped to and made Scotland proud. Manager Steve Clarke said: “We wanted to go further, of course we did. I’m not ashamed to admit we dreamed of playing all three of our group games. But it wasn’t to be. “But that doesn’t take away from the incredible achievement of getting here, bringing so many loyal supporters with us, and showing the world what Scotland is all about! Namely, capitulation in the face of a whisper of opposition. “We’ve had a brilliant time, it’s an occasion that will go down in Scottish footballing history, and this won’t be the end of it. We’ll build on this and come roaring back! The Tartan Army marches on!” Fan Bill McKay said: “I’m a little confused by how this even happened, but in my heart I knew it was inevitable. There are no easy games at this level and we simply don’t have the midfield to compete. “Still, it’s made my love for Scotland burn brighter than ever! All together now: I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more! Scotland the Brave! They’ll never take our freedom!”

Doctor Who fans free to go back to clubbing and shagging

WITH no new Doctor Who on the horizon, its most loyal fans are free to resume their notoriously hedonistic lifestyles. The BBC’s decision to put the show on hold means its fanbase can return to the all-night raves and sex parties they enjoyed before they got sidetracked by the 2005 revival. Whovian Martin Bishop said: “Britain’s nightlife isn’t going to know what’s hit it, now that debauched hellraisers who know their Zarbi from their Zodin are back on the prowl. “Just because we’ve spent the last 20 years having heated debates about River Song and the Fugitive Doctor on Gallifrey Base doesn’t mean we’ve lost our edge. We’re still just as cool as when the Tenth Doctor killed the gaseous alien parasites in The Family of Blood. “In fact I’d advise non-fans to stay home for a couple of months. We’ve got a lot of feelings about how The Reality War ended that we need to get out of our system. It’s going to be messy.” Fellow devotee Tom Booker said: “Remember when lad culture was rampant in the late 1990s and early 2000s? That’s because we weren’t distracted by blurry leaked photos of the new Tardis interior. “Society’s going back to that until there’s a new series. So lock up your daughters, we’re going to be shagging and boozing like Premier League footballers until the return of the Silurians.”

Weird that we need a trigger, admit racists

This hilarious old football Q&A has just gone viral again and it’s an absolute classic of the genre

Those newspaper and magazine Q&As and ‘life in the days’ and all that sort of thing – soft features, I think they call them in the trade – invariably make for an interesting read. We also feature a fair few of them here but we don’t recall one quite as interesting as this. It’s Scottish […] The Poke.

What statistic would you like to see floating above a person’s head? – 17 revealing numbers people want to read

Thanks to social media, we can get a vague numerical insight into a person’s life. We can see how many people follow them and vice versa, how many times they’ve posted, and even how many people like what they have to say. People are endlessly curious though, so it’s no surprise that they’ve got an […] The Poke.

The White House website appears to have weaponised its official website against its enemies in the press – 15 fair and balanced replies

Over the years, Donald Trump’s skin has looked ghostly white, glowingly orange, or tomato red. But one thing has remained constant: it’s extremely thin. Any time someone offers unkind words about the President, he fires back in a storm of spittle and insecurity. That used to just mean press conferences or social media meltdowns. Now […] The Poke.

Turns out Americans eat at tables sat next to the football and the transatlantic divide has never felt wider

It’s fair to say people have mixed feelings about the football World Cup in the USA. It’s one of the great sporting festivals, of course, but the shadow of Donald Trump looms large over everything. Very large. But there is surely one thing we can all agree on and it’s that this should never, ever […] The Poke.

Reform UK-ers have been trolling Green MP Hannah Spencer’s choice of outfit and for an insight into the mind of Farage followers everywhere it’s hard to beat

You will probably already have seen Green MP Hannah Spencer’s magnificent two-word takedown of Reform UK at PMQs on Wednesday but just in case you haven’t (and if you already have, you will surely want to watch it again) … Hannah Spencer from the Greens absolutely skewers the ‘dirty grubbiness’ of Reform UK sitting behind […] The Poke.