Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. “I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Frachs, who claimed to have brought binoculars, a telephoto lens, and other specialized gear in hopes of snagging a picture of the Scottish legend known for its gargantuan size, crude manners, and storied flatulence. “According to the tale, this is exactly where Fat Bastards originate from, and you’re supposed to be able to spot them pretty easily at Subway franchises this time of year—unless, maybe this is when they migrate east to the sumo rings. I tried following the sound of bagpipes, but all I saw were a handful of regular bastards.” Upon reaching the airport, Frachs was overheard complaining that his connecting flight from London to the U.S. would not be aboard a shagadelic jumbo jet. The Onion.

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now

CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn’t already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. “It’s been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven’t gotten a job, started a family, and completely turned my life around,” said Ross, who questioned why he continued to have brain fog and shaking fits when he hadn’t touched a bottle of liquor since last Friday. “I just don’t get it. Seriously, how long does it take fix all the physical, mental, financial, and relationship issues I’ve developed through decades of drinking? I understand that sobriety is a journey, but I didn’t expect my recovery to take this long to hit its stride. My wife is still at her sister’s place, and the court hasn’t removed my restraining order yet. I’m sure, in the worst-case scenario, my life will all get fixed by the end of next week.” Ross also expressed confusion over having to wear an ankle monitor despite having received his one-week AA sobriety chip. The Onion.

Dugout Floor Covered In Spat-Out Clamshells

The Onion.

Bestselling Beach Reads

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } Bestselling Beach Reads The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year. Explore the list in detail Stratosphere By Candice Ortiz-Schnapp What’s it like being married to an astronaut? Probably more intense than the life of protagonist Molly, whose husband flies a regional jet. Still, she gets up to some stuff. The Really Important File By Nicholas Brewer A humble government employee is just doing his job when he notices something out of the ordinary: a really important file. The new heart-pounding spy thriller from genre master Nicholas Brewer will have readers asking themselves: What’s he gonna do with that file? The Mulchers By Celine Ives Life is quiet on 32-year-old Cara Perry’s northern Michigan mulch farm—that is, until a handsome but enigmatic competitor buys the plot of land next door. Will these star-crossed farmers overcome their opposing views on the merits of using chromated copper arsenate? The Lady In The Airplane Bathroom By R.R. Blake An alcoholic divorcée swears she saw a woman murdered in the airplane bathroom, but no one believes her because she ordered 13 gin and tonics before it happened. The Shape Of Resilience By Isabella Park Follow the heartwarming journey of Randi, a single mother who overcomes emotional abuse, addiction, poverty, a very large earthquake, big tobacco, accidentally falling into a fairly deep sinkhole, her fear of missing out, some bad acne, and a backstabbing pet dog. My Boyfriend The Vampire Or Pirate By Laila McDowd Shy librarian Maggie Lopez discovers that her fiancé is secretly a blood-sucking immortal, or a sexy maritime plunderer if that’s hotter for you, in this deeply confusing but arousing novel. The Gun Directive By Brock Rock In the 23rd installment of Rock’s celebrated Agent Violence series, the stakes are higher, the guns are louder, and the conspiracies are the most conspiratorial yet. American Red Cross Lifeguarding Manual By American Red Cross Probably should’ve cracked this book before you climbed into that tall chair, but better late than never. My Brother The Lover By Sophie Taylor She’s newly divorced. Her sexy new neighbor is single. The only problem? They’re siblings. Sophie Taylor’s latest romance is perfect for fans of coastal settings, family drama, and incest. Bridget Jones’s Obituary By Helen Fielding Follow an aging Bridget Jones as she navigates work, love, and getting hit by a car. Dev Patel And Dakota Fanning Fall In Love By Emily Henry Try to fuck up the casting on this one, movie studios. Fwd: Re: Urgent: Tuesday’s Presentation By Scott Jones Looks like your out-of-office day is ruined now. The Onion.

Tips For Karaoke

Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night. Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth.  Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like “Greensleeves” or “Froggy Went A-Courtin’ . ” Practice getting drunk at home. Wait until the song is over before eating your ham sandwich. Tipping the karaoke host ensures you get more song. Remember, the crowd is more scared of you than you are of them. Make yourself look good by performing a duet with an ugly, tone-deaf friend. Accept that you’re okay with your coworkers seeing you at your lowest.  You’re already doing way too much by researching karaoke advice. The Onion.

Elon Musk Acquires Total Ownership Of The Economist

AUSTIN, TX — Over the course of a ninety-minute transaction, Elon Musk became the sole and absolute owner of The Economist.

LeBron James: 'I'm Taking My Receding Hairline To Philly'

LOS ANGELES, CA — LeBron James has made the final free agency decision of his career, announcing that he will be taking his receding hairline to Philadelphia.

Experts Baffled By Mysterious Mental Health Disorder That Causes People To Stab Jews

U.S. — Experts remain perplexed by a mysterious mental health disorder that causes people to stab Jews.

Wells Fargo Explains That Yes, They Gave All Your Money To A Hobo Named Frank, But Will Make Things Right By Coming To Your House To Murder You

HOUSTON, TX — Representatives for Wells Fargo explained to local customer Jim Stephens that they did give all of the money in his checking account to a random hobo, but the company would make things right by coming to Jim's house to murder him and his family.

CVS Clerk Reminds Looter To Enter Rewards Number Before Fleeing

SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a CVS employee kept a clear head amid the chaos of a recent "smash and grab" event on Friday, being sure to helpfully remind a looter to enter his rewards number before fleeing.

The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots

Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots. Wow. This truly is a sign of the times. While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it. With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.” Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy. These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on. So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth

FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported. THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders. According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers

MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.

Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol

SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Marines discover fire

NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for Homo marinus erectus was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of Homo sapiens roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Six things to do when the unthinkable happens and it rains abroad

OFF to sunny climes completely not expecting it to piss it down? These unfulfilling emergency pastimes will take your mind off knowing you could be in Britain for free. Watch TV There’s a big telly in your apartment you barely noticed when the sun was shining, but now it’s lamping it down stair rods you can resort to the great British pastime of vegetating in front of the box. Sadly for you, all the channels are f**king Greek and even the subtitles are incomprehensible squiggles. You stumble across a vaguely soft porn soap scene, but have to quickly turn off because you’ve got the kids with you. Bollocks. Read a book You’ve already finished the two paperbacks you paid a shitting fortune for at the airport on the way out, but good news is your hotel has a ‘book library’ comprised of novels others have either finished or stopped reading because they were shit. Unfortunately, none of the tatty selection of well-thumbed reads are in English so you find yourself trying to plough manfully through a copy of 100 Years of Solitude in Portuguese. Sex Theoretically brilliant. Shut the curtains, lock the door so the cleaner doesn’t stumble in, then hump passionately. Trouble is, your five-year-old and nine-year-old are in tow, so there’s f**k all chance. Make an excuse for needing a shower and knock out a rapid, guilty wank, while weighing the pros and cons of having children and discovering you’re really struggling to think of pros.  Sightseeing The beach and pool are non-starters since it’s pissing down, so isn’t this the perfect opportunity to explore the local history and culture you’ve been avoiding while there were better things to do? That olive oil museum looked vaguely interesting, but it’s shut in the afternoons. Head for the obligatory ruined 15th century castle overlooking the bay, only to find it’s slippy as a post-coital willy underfoot now it’s wet, and there’s no f**king roof. Souvenir shopping It’s like a wet bank holiday in the Lake District out there, or to put a positive spin on it: an ideal chance to snap up those holiday keepsakes you neither want nor need. Emerge from your two-hour tour of the local tourist shops with three tea towels, a fridge magnet with a badly painted church on it, and a huge ceramic bowl with lemons on that you’ll never fit in your case and end up leaving behind. And that’s before the kids start draining your wallet on shite made from plastic. Write postcards You’re beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel now, but your super-organised partner has brought her address book with her, so this is feasible, hooray. Pass an hour writing lies about how much you’re enjoying yourself then pop them in the postbox to eventually arrive in the UK a month after you do. Oh, and Gemma walked out on Tom the day after you flew away, so now you’re in the shit for addressing one to the pair of them.

We ask you: What’s your advice to Prince George about the difficult teenage years?

YOUR teenage years are notoriously awkward, so what advice would you give to Prince George, who turned 13 this week? Oliver O’Connor, delivery driver: “Try not to worry about not having a girlfriend. Oh, I forgot even the most twattish Royals have gorgeous women falling at their feet. F**k you, you jammy little bastard.”  Carolyn Ryan, teacher: “Pictures of yourself as a teenager can be really embarrassing years later. Don’t let your great uncle Andy take you to any parties.” Emma Bradford, beautician: “Don’t spend all your time obsessing about your appearance like I did. You might look like Damien out of The Omen now, but as you get older you might start looking like a horse.” Roy Hobbs, logistics manager: “Remember masturbation is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. I’m 56 and I’m doing it right now in a busy office in front of Microsoft Excel.” Wayne Hayes, IT support worker: “I’d think twice before getting into dodgy fashions. But since Kate has a vice-like grip on your image you’ll probably just look like a nondescript toff indefinitely. Which is frankly better than my MC Hammer phase.”

Man watching bad pirate copy of The Odyssey online as Christopher Nolan intended

Elated neighbours agree never to talk to each other again

MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours. With the summer weather causing more people to have outdoor chats, neighbours are finally confronting the problem by agreeing to pretend the other person literally does not exist.  Tom Logan of Crewe said: “Every time I see Martin next door we have a weird, stilted conversation that neither of us enjoys. Now we’ve done the right thing and agreed to completely blank each other all the time. “There’s no tension, just relief. I’ve always suspected Martin is a bit of a knob but I honestly can’t be arsed to find out if he’s alright once you get to know him or has had a difficult life so I should cut him some slack. “I told him exactly this yesterday, and he said he’d always assumed I was the worst kind of Audi-driving sales wanker, which I very much am. So everything’s cool between us.” Donna Sheridan of Ipswich said: “Sometimes Elaine next door and I chat over the fence, during which I’m thinking: ‘F**k, make this end, I don’t really know her, I sound like a twat because I’m not great at smalltalk and I’m so self-conscious now I’m struggling to think of banal shit about the weather.’ “Now we’ve agreed to never speak again and say ‘Shut the f**k up, bitch’ if one of us forgets. I don’t think I could ask for a better neighbour.”

Are you exploring your sexuality or are you just cheating? A quiz

‘EXPLORING your sexuality’ sounds like a worthy attempt to grow as a sexual being, but are you just using it as an excuse to cheat? Take our quiz. Are you already in a committed, long-term relationship? A) Yes, we’re prudish childhood sweethearts. I’m owed at least a glance at some different tits in a magazine. B) I guess? My wife said I am the last time I got caught sleeping around. I told her it was important to explore polyamory. Where will you be indulging in your sexual awakening? A) With my partner in our marital bed. We’ll be holding hands and quivering with fear because we usually shag in the dark. B) In hotels, public bathrooms, their place. Basically anywhere except my house. It’s just too risky to make a highly worthwhile journey into my true sexual self if my wife might come home. Does your partner know about your sexual exploration? A) Of course. We communicated effectively in couples therapy about our desire to spice things up in the bedroom by letting her go on top for once. B) Too much knowledge can be a bad thing, I’ve decided. It would only break her heart to know I’m shagging the sexy co-worker I told her not to worry about, so I’m doing the unselfish thing by keeping quiet. What exactly are you exploring? A) All sorts of kinky things, like this so-called ‘doggy-style’ I read about. Sounds depraved but could be fun. B) Do you really want to know? It involves multiple dildos, harnesses, and random women I’ve met on shady dating apps. Use your imagination. What do you hope to gain from the experience? A) A deeper understanding of my partner. A merging of our souls. A spiritual connection. Hopefully a blowjob. B) Understanding my true sexual wants and needs. If a hot woman is there as well wearing sexy pants, that’s always a bonus. ANSWERS Mostly As: Sounds like you’re dipping your toes into the shallowest waters of sexual exploration in a transparent way. At this rate you might do something really racy like wear some handcuffs by the time you’re 80. Godspeed, you crazy freaks. Mostly Bs: You know you’re cheating, you’re just trying to soothe your guilty conscience. If you really want to make the uncomfortable feelings go away, say you’re dabbling in ethical nonmonogamy. Nobody can get angry about cheating when it sounds that boring.

This camera stayed locked on Donald Trump’s thunderous face as reporters who investigated his past ties with Jeffrey Epstein win a prize at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner

It’s fair to say that Donald Trump didn’t have a great 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His bitter jokes bombed, and he had to sit there as the photographer who captured him doing nothing when an Oval Office guest fainted was praised by Wolf Blitzer. But there was an even more incredible moment, as Blitzer […] The Poke.

Some kids in Clacton were asked about Nigel Farage and they absolutely ripped the Count of Dodgy Crypto to shreds in their NSFW replies

Sometimes, you need the brutal honesty of children to get to the real heart of a matter. Broadcaster Nicola Thorp visited Clacton-on-Sea this week, and spoke to a group of young kids about the upcoming by-election and their local MP, Nigel Farage. And, boy, they did not hold back. Turn the sound up but beware […] The Poke.

Donald Trump can only squirm in his seat at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner as Wolf Blitzer gives a prize to the photo of him doing nothing when a guest fainted

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner took place on Friday night – rescheduled from its first date in April after a gunman opened fire at the event (remember that? Yes, that did happen this year, but it feels longer ago). Anyway, Trump took part in the event, delivering a jokey speech with not many funny jokes […] The Poke.

Andy Burnham’s “No 10 North” is up and running, complete with replica No 10 Downing Street black door and an onsite Greggs – 18 reactions to put a grin up north

Andy Burnham’s Manchester working operation – known as “No 10 North” – is officially open for business. The new prime minister ended his first week in the job by conducting business from the new hub in Manchester. 🚨 WATCH: Andy Burnham arrives for his first day at No 10 North pic.twitter.com/yzP7xo1Ol8 — Politics UK (@PolitlcsUK) […] The Poke.

Donald Trump is desperate to keep building data centres and it wasn’t what he said so much as how he said it

It’s pretty obvious that data centres are ultimately harmful to the environment. The same could be said for Donald Trump. Combine the two and you get a noxious collection of bad ideas and bad vibes that should send shivers down the spine of any human who wants to see the planet last past the next […] The Poke.