Following reports the company let the Israeli military use its cloud servers to carry out mass surveillance of Palestinians, several Microsoft employees staged protests, prompting multiple arrests and firings. What do you think?

“Good luck getting hired elsewhere without any genocide experience.”

Joe Woodward, Systems Analyst

---

“It’s hard to fathom that computers could be used to cause harm.”

Francis Pepperton, Aloe Extractor

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“I knew something was up when Clippy asked if I needed help condemning Hamas.”

Patrick Hogan, Unemployed

The post Microsoft Employees Protest Company’s Ties To Israel appeared first on The Onion.

In Denmark’s Bay of Aarhus, archaeologists have discovered an 8,500-year-old Stone Age settlement that has been preserved like a time capsule underwater. What do you think?

“Enjoy it now. It’ll all be condos and Citibanks by next year.”

Vivian Rentfro, Cart Pusher

---

“Makes you wonder what else water’s trying to hide.”

Esteban Gallardo, Van Detailer

---

“If they need a wet/dry vac vendor, my brother-in-law can cut them a deal.”

Garth Hamer, Trinket Appraiser

The post 8,500-Year-Old Settlement Lost To Rising Sea Discovered Off Denmark’s Coast appeared first on The Onion.

Cracker Barrel announced it was reverting to its old logo after a new, more streamlined design generated intense customer backlash and criticism from President Trump. What do you think?

“I have many treasured memories of seeing the old logo on my way to Denny’s.”

Federico Littera, Tiara Jeweler

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“You had me at ‘Cracker Barrel scraps.’”

Joshua Mirabal, Lock Tester

---

“It’s good to know America can still whip up a big, furious mob in the face of any and all change.”

Jackie Brotherton, Cookie Crumbler

The post Cracker Barrel Scraps Logo Redesign appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS—In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit postmortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers in the University of Minnesota’s mortuary science program concluded that your naked body will make the entire morgue laugh. “According to our projections, the mortician, an assistant, and anyone else who happens to walk in and catch sight of your unclothed remains will immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter at both the size and shape of your various body parts,” said lead researcher Rachel Stein, adding that your abdomen, genitals, and buttocks, along with any tattoos you may have, will become inside jokes at the funeral home, hospital, or medical examiner’s office where your dead body will lie exposed for several hours. “Someone will look at your toe tag, chuckle as they read your name aloud, and then tell all their coworkers to ‘come over here and take a look at this one.’ A gathering of people will soon be pointing out unsightly aspects of your body and saying things like ‘That’s just goofy’ and ‘I’ve never seen one like that before.’ They will remember your name for many years, as it will become shorthand for any repellent anatomical feature they encounter from that day on.” The report went on to state that this situation will not be helped by the fact that your name is Dick B. Short.

The post Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Laughing as they paraded down the street with a newfound sense of freedom, sources confirmed this week that a tight-knit group’s night out was made much more fun without their broke friend. “At first, I was a little bummed that Jen couldn’t make it out, but then I realized we could hit that fancy new cocktail bar and all get sushi afterward—we haven’t gotten sushi in forever,” said 29-year-old Sara Muller, noting that it was a lot easier for the friends to enjoy everything nightlife had to offer when they didn’t have to worry about whether their poorest pal had enough money to buy a round. “There were no awkward moments of watching her eat an appetizer while everyone else enjoyed entrees, and there was no weird pressure to walk instead of taking an Uber. I can pay for everyone’s cover at the club and not worry about her Venmo getting declined when she tries to pay me back. This is, like, the best night ever.” According to reports, the carefree crew sent a video to their broke friend in which they wished her good luck with her surgery as they popped open a bottle of champagne.

The post Night Out More Fun Without Broke Friend appeared first on The Onion.

TOMBALL, TX — A sudden, inexplicable wave of allergies struck the men of Redeemer Church this morning during the singing of "Old Rugged Cross".

LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump's recent cancellation of Kamala Harris' Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins.

IRVINE, CA — The pastor of Lord's Vine Church has reportedly taken the lead drummer from their praise team aside and formally warned him to stop adding the drum fill from Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" to every worship song.

AMARILLO, TX — After local man Jeremy Long got home from work a little early on Thursday he was greeted by a wife wearing pajamas, forcing him to consider whether or not she was "already" in pajamas or "still" in pajamas.

UKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely.

What’s the first thing that should cross your mind after you see the positive on the pregnancy test? One word: BOUNDARIES. Here are four crucial boundaries to set with your fetus now, before it gets any more ideas.

1. Mama doesn’t kick you, so don’t kick mama

The oldest trick in the fetal book is kicking. Fetuses kick when they’re hungry, when they’re tired, or just to say hello. But you don’t kick your fetus, so why should your fetus kick you? You’ll probably get some kickback (pun intended) after drawing this line, but that just makes it all the more important a boundary to set. 

2. There are “mama foods” and there are “fetus foods”

Your fetus doesn’t even have full taste buds until week 14, yet they’re just gonna mooch off your shrimp? No way. Keep this boundary clear by saying aloud who the food is for as you eat it. Veal, that’s for mama. Martinis, that’s for mama too. Oatmeal, have at it, fetus. If you don’t stand strong on this now, it’s gonna be a long 18 years.

3. No fetus stuff after 8 p.m.

Between cravings, throwing up, doctor’s appointments, not scuba diving, etc, fetus stuff can take up almost the whole day. Set a rule that after 8 p.m., you are totally off the clock. While this may sound intense, 8 p.m. is pretty late for a fetus, and frankly, it should be asleep by then. This will leave you with plenty of time to recharge however you like best—true crime and glass of wine, loud party with cocaine, etc. After all, if you don’t put on your own lifejacket first, how can you expect to help anyone else?

4. Rent is due by the fifth of the month, otherwise a six percent late fee will be added each day

Your fetus is getting free board, and it thinks it can get free room, too? Ummmmm you’re gonna want to nip that in the bud ASAP to avoid creating a toxic codependent dynamic. While nobody likes a landlord these days, paying rent is a really normal part of life, and in fact, by teaching your fetus the value of budgeting and building credit, you’re helping it toward financial independence.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the long run. Besides, if your fetus can’t respect your boundaries you can always just third-term it. You got this, mama!

Consumers are being urged to take note of a major new initiative from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that just might save their lives: The surgeon general is adding a graphic photo of a guy who got his penis caught in a zipper to the front of every pair of pants.

This is an awesome move! It’s a great way to highlight the risks that zipping up your pants can pose to the health of your penis.

“Years of scientific studies from some of our finest research institutions are overwhelmingly conclusive: people who wear pants are more likely to get their penis caught in a zipper than people who walk around naked,” said Surgeon General Denise Hinton in a press conference at the White House this morning. “Penis safety is one of this nation’s top priorities, and these warnings will help ensure that American penises stay strong and vibrant for generations to come.”

We feel safer and healthier already! It’s so comforting to know that America cares so much about the health and safety of its citizens.

The new warnings are set to go into effect early next month, and are designed to raise awareness among American consumers about the damage even the most innocuous-looking pair of pants can do to a healthy American penis. The warnings will feature a picture of a man screaming in agony as the teeth of a zipper decimates his penis while his devastated family looks on and weeps. A message beneath the picture reads, “Warning: Zipping up pants can guillotine your penis completely.” Now anyone who purchases pants can do so in an informed manner, fully aware that their genitals might get jigsawed up in the process.

During the press conference, Surgeon General Hinton also noted that these graphic warning labels are just one facet of a multi-pronged initiative to keep American penises going strong in the 21st century. Her office will also be offering free whistles at all clothing outlets that consumers can blow for help in the tragic event that their penis gets caught in their pants zipper. She explained that if any pants-wearer gets their penis caught in their pants zipper, they can blow their whistle and a firefighter will rush over and give them the Heimlich maneuver.

Absolutely amazing! It really seems like we’re entering into a whole new era of penis safety. Kudos to the surgeon general for rolling out this initiative and keeping everyone safe. Here’s hoping penis injuries become a thing of the past sooner rather than later!

Hey everyone, Jared Fogle here. For those of you who don’t know me, I got famous 50 or 60 years ago because I lost insane amounts of weight from eating Subway’s gigantic healthy sandwiches with plenty of mayonnaise. You probably remember the famous commercial where I showed people a big pair of pants I stole from Kohl’s while everyone cheered me on for being skinny. These days I’m best known for being America’s leading authority on weight loss, which is why I feel the need to speak out on a troubling trend I’ve noticed: These days everyone wants to take Ozempic to lose weight instead of putting in the hard work of exclusively eating Subway for years.

If my word as Jared From Subway still means anything in this crazy world, I feel the need to say that this has got to stop.

Now, I lost my weight the old-fashioned way: by eating really big sandwiches with plenty of mayonnaise for every single meal for years. The rewards spoke for themselves: I lost tons of weight and became one of the most beloved celebrities on the planet. 

Was it hard to eat Subway sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner day in and day out for decades? Sure it was, but nobody ever lost weight by not eating heaps of lunch meat stacked high on a footlong loaf of bread. People who take Ozempic want a quick fix that brings them all the rewards with none of the sandwiches. They want to break the rules. But I didn’t get to where I am today by breaking the rules, I did it through discipline and willpower. You don’t achieve your dreams by scarfing down some kind of crazy miracle pill cooked up in a lab, you achieve your dreams by following in the footsteps of Jared From Subway in every possible way.

People who try to shed pounds with Ozempic expect weight loss to be served up to them on a silver platter. But weight loss is never served to you on a silver platter. Footlong salami sandwiches from Subway are served to you on a silver platter, and then you eat those to lose weight. It takes a lot of work, but you don’t get to hold the big pants unless you’re willing to eat the big subs. I would have thought my millions of fans—the “Fogle Nation”—would know better than to rely on something other than Subway sandwiches to achieve their fitness goals, but as usual, humanity has disappointed me.

What does the future hold for weight loss? It’s hard to say for sure. I wish I could play a more direct role in this scary new world that the Ozempic craze is creating before our eyes, but unfortunately I am currently in prison for the crime of losing too much weight too quickly. I cannot stand with the courageous soldiers of Fogle Nation in the flesh and warn people about the dangers of Ozempic. I can only write brave posts on ClickHole.com and hope that the power of my words can convert my innocent readers into fanatical zealots who do nothing but eat Subway sandwiches and get so skinny that they become as famous as me.

My parting message to you all is: Be like Jared Fogle in all aspects of your life. If there’s one thing that people associate with the name “Jared Fogle,” it’s hard work and dedication. Every time you eat a healthy salami sandwich with plenty of mayonnaise from Subway, you honor my legacy. Every time you download something normal onto your computer in a way that is not a crime, you honor my legacy. Every time you hold up a pair of gigantic pants, you honor my legacy. Let’s ditch Ozempic, pick up our Subway sandwiches, and keep the Jared Fogle legacy alive. Thank you, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

If you’re a Swiftie, you no doubt have already heard the news: Taylor just posted that she is engaged, and eagle-eyed fans around the world are poring over the post for clues as to what this might mean. Here are three hidden easter eggs in her engagement post that prove she is planning on getting married. 

1. The Words “Are Getting Married”

Commenters on Taylor’s engagement post have been quick to point out that, by using the phrase “are getting married” in reference to herself and Travis Kelce, who are pictured in the photo, Taylor has given us a clue that the two of them “are” going to be “getting married” sometime in the near future. We’ve got to say, we hope the sleuths who figured this one out are correct!

2. The Engagement Ring 

If you look closely at the the third photo in the slideshow, which shows a closeup of Taylor and Travis’ hands embracing, you’ll notice that the engagement ring which is prominently displayed in the center of the photo is actually on Taylor’s finger. Wearing an engagement ring on her ring finger in the post announcing her engagement could be a hint that wedding bells are in the pop star’s future…and we’re here for it!

3. The Firecracker Emoji 

Well, if the first two didn’t convince you, here’s a dead giveaway that T-Swift plans to tie the knot soon: Taylor used a firecracker emoji in the caption of her post (right after saying she is getting married). Firecracker = “BOOM! FLASH! Marriage is around the corner for myself and Travis Kelce!” Yep, Taylor, we’re picking up the breadcrumbs you’ve been leaving. This official engagement announcement definitely means what it seems like it means…and we can’t wait!

When Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell of an apparent suicide, it was a shocking security failure in many ways. One of the highest profile criminals in history had been left unattended by multiple guards while on suicide watch, security cameras covering his cell were shut off, and he was able to gather the materials in his cell to hang himself. But if you thought that was bad, wait until you hear this: Jeffrey Epstein has once again been discovered dead from yet another apparent suicide in his prison cell.

Once was bad enough, but letting this happen twice? Inexcusable. 

Under circumstances that almost perfectly mirror the events of Epstein’s 2019 death, guards tasked with monitoring him at the same exact facility he was found dead in the first time once again found him unresponsive in his cell this morning after what seems to be a second suicide. Even more unbelievably, the security cameras with a view of Epstein’s cell had once again all been turned off, and recording from the one working camera with a view of his cell was mysteriously missing several minutes of footage, just like the first time this happened.

“I can’t believe we messed up again,” said a guard who was supposed to be monitoring Epstein’s cell that night. “After all of the negative attention we got after he hung himself the first time, you’d think we would have learned our lessons, but nope. We let a man hang himself to death a second time. We’ll completely understand if we’d taken off guard duty of Jeffrey Epstein’s cell altogether after this.”

Yikes. What a disaster. 

This is some serious Keystone Cops-level stuff here. If you thought the conspiracy theorists had a field day with the suspicious circumstances surrounding Jeffrey Epstein’s first suicide, wait until they get their hands on this. Yep, there are going to be a lot of questions to answer this time around. Even more than there were back in 2019.

THE PENTAGON — A long-awaited Pentagon audit has confirmed the root cause of America’s failures in Iraq and Afghanistan: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s atrocious pull-up form, officials announced today.

“I figured the audit would just say what every vet bro already knows — that we lost because of DEI, fluoridated water, and Milley’s ‘Pegging for Pennies’ CFC fundraiser,” said SES Stuart Scheller, a senior advisor in the Office of the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, who now demands to be addressed only as ‘SES Scheller,’ ‘Warfighting 6,’ or ‘Petey’s Pixie.’

“But the findings shocked me so much you could’ve screwed me with a plastic chess piece in an abandoned school bus and I’d have forgotten to say ‘thank you.’ Turns out the real problem was Secretary Hegseth kipping like a goddamn boot on the pull-up bar.”

The audit detailed how Hegseth routinely failed to dead hang, lock out his arms, or break the plane with his chin — errors that senior officials now say directly caused the collapse of both Iraq and Afghanistan.

“As Pete’s first wife would say, he’s as bad at pulling up as he is at pulling out,” Scheller lamented.

Fallout was swift. Zyn canceled its planned sponsorship of a “Hegseth Leg Day” competition. Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell quietly deleted a tweet demanding all troops meet Marine Corps PT standards. And after reviewing the footage, fired Air Force Gen. C.Q. Brown said he was “pretty sure” Hegseth blamed his poor form on the black pull-up bar.

Scheller admitted in hindsight the signs were always there.

“He loved to brag about the Bronze Stars he got for training local forces in counterterrorism,” Scheller said. “If only more of us watched the video of how he actually trained them, we could’ve saved our great nation a lot of embarrassment.”

At press time, Hegseth’s two ex-wives and five former mistresses issued a joint statement endorsing the audit’s findings, noting that none of them were surprised that he doesn’t go down all the way on pull-ups either.

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You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study.

After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional (up for debate) alcoholism, and the occasional existential crisis, the time has finally come. Fear not, Duffel Blog has you covered with foolproof tips to ensure you bomb that test with the grace of a seasoned EOD technician.

BRING SOME FIREWORKS

Sure, you could rely on the standard-issue tossing and turning, but why not make a bang with your exit? Sneak in a pack of firecrackers and set them off mid-study. Just make sure to use a timer, so your hands are clean when the sparks fly. It’s the perfect way to demonstrate your startlingly light sleep. It is highly unlikely that anyone at the sleep clinic will suspect you.

BRING YOUR SNORING DOG

This one is self-explanatory. Nothing ruins a good night of sleep like a snoring canine. Bonus points if you bring something massive like a great dane or a mastiff. It doesn’t even have to be a service dog. 

STAY AWAKE FOR THREE DAYS PRIOR

This one’s a no-brainer. Burn through every season of M*A*S*H, go on a Wikipedia deep dive into the history of military rations, or simply reminisce about the good ol’ days of endless field ops. By the time you hit that sleep study bed, you’ll be a walking advert for insomnia.

SHOW UP INTOXICATED

Remember, it’s not about the journey; it’s about the destination. Showing up smelling like a distillery not only highlights your potential sleep apnea but also your dedication to maintaining military traditions. Just mumble something about “liquid courage” and you’re golden.

DON’T GET UP TO USE THE BATHROOM

Channel your inner sentry and hold your position all night. It’s a known fact that the more discomfort you’re in, the less likely you are to fall into a deep sleep. Also, if you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having something wrong with you.

LOAD UP

Eat a ton of beans. Baked beans; beans and rice; whatever you can get your hands on. You will undoubtedly wake yourself up dozens of times an hour with cloud upon cloud upon clouds eminating from beneath the sheets.. More importantly, the smell of toasty swamps and musty lettuce may trigger some PTSD from trying to sleep in that dusty cardboard B-hut in Afghanistan with 30 of your closest unwashed friends – causing you to yell out at least a couple times throughout the night.

DISCLAIMER: Before you dive headfirst into these unorthodox methods, remember, your VA rating is a sacred reflection of the trials and tribulations faced in the line of duty. It should encapsulate everything from your heroic tolerance to alcohol to your profound understanding of military jargon that, frankly, has no place in polite society.

So, as you embark on this final mission, approach it with the same integrity and honesty that got you through those endless formations. After all, the real victory lies in conquering the bureaucracy with the truth of your service, one painstaking form at a time. Godspeed, and may your disability rating be as high as your spirits during a 96-hour liberty.

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WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Department of the Navy to rename the rank of "rear admiral" to something “less suggestive and more intimidating,” according to a memo circulated Monday.

The policy, part of a broader military modernization initiative known as Project Iron Manhood, will phase out the term rear admiral by fiscal year 2026. In its place, the Navy will adopt the title Maritime Command Admiral (Forward Facing). The change is expected to affect more than 150 flag officers across the fleet, along with thousands of PowerPoint slides, parking signs, and nameplates in the Pentagon.

Defense officials say the move is intended to reduce confusion and superficial language in rank nomenclature and to promote a culture of what the memo refers to as operational masculinity.

The change marks the Pentagon’s latest step in a sweeping campaign to rebrand the armed forces leadership, which has emphasized traditional values, warfighting spirit, and the elimination of what has been described as language ambiguities that risk eroding combat lethality.

According to internal briefing slides reviewed by reporters, Navy officials considered several alternative titles for the rank before settling on the new designation. Runners-up included Tactical Admiral, Combat Admiral, and Executive War Admiral, the latter rejected due to concerns that it “sounded too anime.”

The current rear admiral title, used for centuries by naval forces worldwide, originated from the days of sail when admirals commanding the rear squadron of a fleet were designated as such. Historians note the term has never been linked to anatomical references or personal lifestyles, but Pentagon officials acknowledged that modern interpretation has made the rank a recurring source of levity among junior enlisted personnel, civilian contractors, and anyone with access to social media.

Indeed, a recent report from the RAND Corporation, Sexual Semantics in Service Culture: The Case of the Rear Admiral, found that over 71 percent of enlisted sailors admitted to smirking when hearing the rank spoken aloud. Of those, 22 percent said they did not believe it was a real title, and 13 percent assumed it was “some kind of hazing thing.”

The same report cited widespread confusion among ROTC cadets, 10 percent of whom believed “rear admiral” was a ceremonial title awarded to Navy drag queens during Pride Month.

Fleet leadership has voiced mixed reactions to the rebranding. In internal correspondence, senior officers raised concerns about the cost and complexity of the change, particularly on organizational charts and joint-service briefings. One internal white paper from Pacific Fleet warned the rank change could “create friction” with allied navies and “require significant retraining of automated voice systems aboard aircraft carriers.”

Still, the Department of Defense remains confident the move will strengthen perceptions of professionalism.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has mobilized the Florida National Guard to pick fruit, sources confirmed today.

“We grew dependent on hard working people doing backbreaking labor for low pay,” DeSantis said. “So we threw them out of the country and now our fields are full of rotting fruit. I don’t think anyone could’ve seen that coming. That is why today, I am activating the entire Florida National Guard to fix the problem we created.”

Activating the National Guard was DeSantis’ last resort to save the year's orange crop. The initial plan — do nothing — failed almost immediately. And changing child labor laws to allow 14 year-olds to work in 100 degree heat was dismissed as “On God I ain’t doing that fr.” So DeSantis, seemingly out of options, turned to the National Guard.

“This is a great day for Florida,” DeSantis told reporters. “We are continuing in the long history of using our military to further American business interests at home and abroad. Who better to exploit than Florida’s finest?”

But experts pointed out that ‘Florida’s finest’ is a low bar.

Maj. Gen. John Haas, Adjutant General of Florida, described the plan.

“We have a three-pronged approach,” he said. “First, we will get our soldiers out into the fields picking fruit. Second, restaurants are reporting labor shortages so we’ll send people to go wash their dishes. That will be females only, SECDEF’s orders. Third, a lot of residents say they need people to work an odd job for a day or two. We’ll have our soldiers gather in accessible places, like in front of Home Depot, to help them out.”

At press time, DeSantis was considering activating the Air National Guard to do the jobs the activated Army National Guardsmen would have been doing. When asked how to fill the jobs of the Air National Guard, DeSantis suggested bringing in people from somewhere else.

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie.

Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf of the entire DoD.

“I’m Mr. Apey and I had a long public affairs career at Fort Bliss—sorry, the El Paso Zoo,” he signed. “At the zoo, I learned to manipulate people for snacks. Which is basically the GS-13 position description.”

A Pentagon press release notes Apey learned sign language from the legendary public affairs officer Lance Cpl. Koko — a gorilla whose ability to communicate with humans famously led to an ape uprising in 2015 that required most of 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) to suppress during Operation JADE HELM.

With further training, Apey mastered the key Pentagon skill of deflecting hard questions by blaming whichever political party is out of power.

“Apey watch spokesapes,” he signed. “Apey blame everyone else. Apey get more food. Apey nap with full belly. Apey get annual cash award. Apey spend on watermelon and THC gummies. Just like real spokesperson.

He’s better than Psaki,” said one veteran media executive. “And unlike most spokespeople, when he flings crap at you, you actually see it coming.”

Leaping onto the podium and flinging a banana peel at the press pool, Apey signed, “Me better than KJP — or that white-trash blonde at the White House.”

Donning reading glasses, he announced the creation of a new Directorate of Bananas, to be headquartered in Norfolk, Va., with a stand-up ceremony scheduled to coincide with the arrival of the next banana cargo ship.

“Apey can’t wait day and moon,” he signed. “Apey call Elon. Banana tariffs bad. Elon fix. No bad tariff. Food food.”

He then delivered an in-depth briefing on China, the Ukraine war, and the Pentagon’s worsening banana quality crisis — before shrieking, showing his butt, and grinning at the cameras.

Asked if he had the skills for the job, Apey became agitated, slapped his face with one enormous hand, and signed: “My brain is 400cc, yours is 1400cc. But I use all mine. You watch TikTok on government time and sing Burger King jingles on military watches worldwide. Who the real apes?”

He went on: “My top boss is a serial creep with a booze problem, his boss is a felon with gold-plated everything who grabs women somewhere bad. And you question me?

“Look — my facial prognathism is nothing compared to Pete Hegseth and Matt Gaetz. Check their brow ridges. Those guys beat me by a mile.”

With that, Apey climbed down from the lectern and curled up in the arms of longtime Pentagon reporter Jennifer Griffin of Fox News — the only human he reportedly trusts.

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WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed. 

The theory was proven at D’Agostino’s in Reading last night when six friends who normally ‘just split it’ turned into forensic accountants at the sight of the bill, except for the smashed one.

Attendee Emma Bradford said: “Ordering drinks is basically an exercise in conformity worthy of psychological study; the first person’s booze-or-not decision sets the pattern for the table.

“We were all on soft drinks until Tom confidently asked for a large glass of Merlot, and we all started mentally calculating the cost and how to claw it back through pricier mains and breadsticks.

“But the cheeky prick didn’t stop there. ‘Another glass, please.’ ‘A G&T, please.’ Who does this wanker think he is, going into a restaurant and ordering whatever he fancies?

“Pretty soon we realised there was no way we could cover our losses through desserts or the charcuterie board. We’re all familiar with the sunk cost fallacy. Fern called for the bill and, steely-eyed, said ‘How about we all just pay for what we had?’ to assenting murmurs.

“Tom mumbled something how it’d be easier to split it, feeling the shadow of the axe even before his came to £68. Took the shine off his happy drunk. Serve him right.”

Manager Carlo Gremo said: “The drunk one always goes quiet, then offers to sort it out ‘on Revolut tomorrow’. But tomorrow, it never comes.”

THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who? 

Helen Archer, West Ham fan: “Max Beier, Dilane Bakwa, Jhon Lucumi, Aliex Garcia and of course Calvin Stengs. No, I don’t really know who any of them are, but they sound ideal vessels for false hope.”

Julian Cook, Woking fan: “Any Man United player. They cost f**k all and they’re so happy to escape they play with a joy and freedom that’s wonderful to watch and should get us out of the National League.”

Denys Finch Hatton, Brentford fan: “Jakov Milatovic, who’s doing a terrific job leading the line for Montenegro and we can pick up for a steal as he’s only on £33k a week. What? He’s the country’s president and that’s his annual salary? Oh.”

Wayne Hayes, Charlton Athletic fan: “Steve. He’s one of these Brazilian players who goes by a single name. Definitely worth a punt at £38m. Definitely not just my mate Steve.”

Ryan Whittaker, Chelsea fan: “Tó Madeira. Portuguese player, not on the scouts’ radar, 20 goals a season guaranteed. How do I know about him? He was my first love.”

A FATHER cannot wait until his children are back at school so he can love them just the way he used to do. 

48-year-old Joe Turner, a homeworking architect, has taken to mistily recalling how much he once adored his two children whenever he gets a moment’s peace from them being around all the f**king time.

He said: “I never realised how important the six-hour school day was to my love. And clubs. And evening activities like scouts.

“It turns out when they’re sharing a living and working space with me for six weeks, alternating whinging about how bored they are with demanding stuff, my affection becomes a deep, abiding irritation at every aspect of their presence. Especially their voices.

“I’ve been on a fortnight’s holiday with them, I’ve been on days out to the seaside and museums and walks in the hills, I’ve got an absolute shitload of treasured memories I’m ready to sort through whenever I get a bloody break.

“Can they not just piss off? Go and play in a park or on waste ground or in a fenced-off, condemned building like I used to? What did the Famous Five do in their summer holidays? Got kidnapped by smugglers? Works for me.”

He added: “Oh Christ, they want to bake a cake. The little bastards.”

MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist:

Dickheads

Why dress up men with shallow feminine interests in flowery language? You wouldn’t call a cheater an ‘amorous adventurer’, so why give inauthentic blokes pretending to like feminist bands a clever-sounding title? The most direct description is often the best, and in the case of men who pretend to be cultured and sensitive to try to get into your pants, the appropriate word is ‘dickhead’.

Toxic twats

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a man carrying a tote bag and proudly reading feminist literature. Other men may think he’s a bit of a ponce, but so long as he’s doing it of his own accord it’s not exactly pure evil. The problem with performative males is that they’re only doing these things in order to do very unprogressive things in the bedroom, making them twats of the toxic persuasion.

Sneaky shits

Performative males may be dickheads, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that they’re also devious. Instead of trying to bluster their way into a woman’s bed with male bravado, they’ve studied the dating landscape and opted for an underhanded strategy. One that a worrying number of men might be tempted to try if they weren’t too embarrassed to buy a Labubu doll.

Fake beta bastards

Phoney performative males have ruined being a thoughtful, sensitive man for all of the genuine beta cucks out there. Baggy knitwear and owning a cat was all these mild-mannered blokes had in their sexual armoury, and now that’s been forever trashed by youthful trendy knobheads who drink matcha tea and pretend to understand Mary Wollstonecraft.

Regrettably attractive

For women, one of the worst things about performative males is that they can bypass their better judgement and come across as regrettably attractive. Yes, everything they do is superficial, but some of them look a bit like Timothée Chalamet. And compared to the other oddballs and would-be pick-up artists on the dating market they’re among the most harmless. So long as you ignore that weird sense of fakeness you can’t quite put your finger on.

Thanks to the nonsense being spouted by politicians recently, fact-checkers have had their work cut out for them. However, there are lots of facts that appear ridiculous on the face of it, but are actually genuine. Reddit user HumanAstronomer5269 decided to delve into these curious tidbits of information by putting the following question to the […]

The post ‘What’s a fact that sounds fake, but is actually true?’ – 17 bizarre statements that beggar belief appeared first on The Poke.

We’re aware that it’s a bold claim, but the following tweet from an account called Cœur de Léon may well be the most pretentious tweet of all time. It’s a suggestion that to hold a conversation with someone you should be familiar with the works of the following 24 writers and philosophers at the very […]

The post This hilariously pretentious list of ‘the bare minimum for holding a conversation’ was deservedly mocked into the stratosphere – 16 stellar comebacks appeared first on The Poke.

There’s no doubt that anti-immigration sentiment and general xenophobia are on the rise in the UK, stoked by the usual suspects who are constantly banging on about how ‘British values’ are under threat. But what are these British values, and what does it mean to be British? Well, Twitter user Simon Forrest has shared an […]

The post This ‘ultimate vox pop’ about what it means to be British is sure to upset all the right people and it just makes it even better appeared first on The Poke.

You’ll already know about this ‘raising the flag’ business where people have been spending their spare time putting up union jacks and the cross of St George all over the place and – if they can’t find a flag – painting one on a mini roundabout. And not just roundabouts if this picture is to […]

The post Little Englanders have been loving this ‘St George post box’ and it was a first class self-own to write home about appeared first on The Poke.

Everyone loves a good takedown of someone not getting their facts quite right. And when it’s an American not getting their facts quite right, people to seem to like it even more. So we’ve been down to the old archive where we found these 17 classic times when these particular stateside folk ended up flat […]

The post 17 classic times these Americans were owned into next week to the intense delight of basically everyone else appeared first on The Poke.