ClickHole
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
An Ouroboros Of Failure: Every Man In This Friend Group Has Been Used By Every Other Man In This Friend Group As An Example Of A Guy You ‘Don’t Want To End Up Like’
The ouroboros, an ancient symbol depicting a snake devouring its own tail, has been used by many cultures to represent the eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth. One modern illustration of such a cycle? Every man in this friend group has been used by every other man in this friend group as an example of a guy you “don’t want to end up like.”
Ah yes. As the ouroboros perpetually eats its own tail to feed itself, so does this balding, pudgy, unaccomplished best friend group.
This ouroboros of shame started way back when these men first met in high school in the ‘90s. Ron, Kevin, Doug, Cris, Alan, Grady, and Samir were all interchangeably used as examples of “someone who actually has a problem” when it came to their binge drinking, and this helped make the remaining members of the group–who by all accounts were equally as drunk–not feel as bad about their own drinking.
This cycle continued as the men entered their twenties. Ron’s job at PetSmart, Kevin’s job at Wal-Mart, Doug’s job as a parking garage attendant, Cris’ job as a telemarketer, Alan’s job working for his dad’s swimming pool cleaning company, Grady’s job at Guitar Center, and Samir’s unemployment were all used by various members of the friend group as examples of “the worst job you could possibly have.”
Now in their 40s, the group continues to cyclically devour its own body to nourish itself. Countless aspects of every one of the men’s unremarkable, underperforming lives–be it their fitness levels, mental/physical health, drug habits, family issues, finances, living situations, physical appearances, hygiene, or decision making skills—are brought up regularly as illustrations of how much worse things could be for the rest of them. In the past three years alone, five of the seven men have used some variation of the statement, “My divorce was messy, but not as messy as [name]’s was,” while four of the men’s names have been brought up in the context of, “You know who has a gross bathroom?” by other men in the group who have similarly gross bathrooms.
And as the shame is brought by the ouroboros it shall also be cleansed by the same.
Who knows where these men’s combined self-worth would be without six other equally degenerate, subpar men to act as the tail end of the ouroboros for them to feed on. The cycle of destruction and rebirth that has defined humanity for ages is on full display right here, in this unremarkable middle-aged male friend group in Akron, Ohio.
Not Helping Their Reputation: All 12 Of The Fans The Dance Cam Just Showed On The Jumbotron At The Phillies Game Were Pissing Into Bottles
Philly sports fans have a reputation for being rough, and if you think this reputation is unearned, you should probably take a look at this: All 12 of the fans the dance cam just showed on the Jumbotron at the Phillies game were pissing into bottles.
Yep, that’s not going to help their rep one bit.
During a break in play during today’s home game against the Miami Marlins, the stadium’s cameraperson scanned the crowd for dancing fans to display on the Citizens Bank Park Jumbotron, but finding one who wasn’t actively pissing into something turned out to be an exercise in futility. A quick cut away from the first fan they’d found—a heavyset man cheering and dancing while blatantly urinating into a plastic Bud Lite bottle—only revealed yet another fan doing the same.
After cutting away from more fans pissing into bottles, cans, and even a souvenir baseball helmet, the cameraperson, in a desperate attempt to locate a fan not actively urinating into something, honed in on a woman nursing a baby. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out she was using a popcorn bag which appeared to still be half-filled with popcorn as a makeshift toilet. The disturbing 100-foot-wide display of debauchery ended with a young boy peeing into the straw of his soda cup followed by an elderly man who was just pissing directly onto a row of fans below him while waving to the camera.
Ugh. Apparently this is not going to be the game that ends Philly sports fans’ standing as some of the most uncouth around.
Hopefully these Phillies fans will have gotten all of their piss out by the next time the dance cam makes the rounds, but based on the fact that the camera just caught the actor inside the Phillie Phanatic costume holding a souvenir foam bat up to his crotch to soak up his piss, that seems unlikely. We love you, Philly sports fans, but some of y’all could really use some lessons in dignity.
‘From The Gentleman Tipping His Hat To You In The Celebrity Row’: Steve Schirripa Keeps Sending White Wine To The Knicks Bench
The Knicks are the toast of New York right now, having reached the NBA finals for the first time in nearly three decades. To understand how much this team means to their fans, look no further than the A-list treatment they’re getting from their A-list supporters: Steve Schirripa keeps sending white wine to the Knicks bench.
What a class act, that Mr. Schirripa! This is how you show up for your team when a title’s on the line!
Before the first quarter of Game 4 had ended, a concessions vendor had already delivered three rounds of white wine to the New York Knicks bench, courtesy of Knicks fanatic and Sopranos star Steve Schirripa. Knicks Coach Mike Brown was initially confused when a vendor brought two dozen cups of chardonnay to the Knicks players and coaching staff immediately after tip-off. Coach Brown tried explaining that the team had not ordered any white wine, but was quickly informed that the beverages were courtesy of “a great admirer of the team, that gentleman over there.” The vendor directed Coach Brown’s attention to the Celebrity Row, where Mr. Schirripa was tipping a flat-brimmed Knicks hat in the team’s direction.
But Mr. Schirripa’s kind gestures didn’t end there, and haven’t ended yet. Several minutes later, the vendor returned with a second round of on-Schirripa chardonnay for the team, as well as a soft pretzel. By halftime, Mr. Schirripa had sent no fewer than seven rounds of white wine and tipped his hat as many times to the Knicks, just to show his appreciation for their hard work this season and encourage them to finish strong in the championships.
Most of the wine has gone unconsumed, and the floor around the team bench is now a walking hazard of full wine cups—at one point, the game was paused so floor sweepers could mop up several gallons of chardonnay after Knicks captain Jalen Brunson tripped on a cup, fell, knocked over all the other wine cups, and became soaked in white wine, forcing him to go to the locker room for a new uniform. But Mr. Schirripa’s message is loud and clear: If you’re a Knicks player and Steve Schirripa’s nearby, you’re never paying for white wine again!
How cool is that?! This Knicks team is getting the hero treatment in the Big Apple!
It just goes to show how a sports team can bring out the best in their city. Even if you’re a Spurs fan, you’ve gotta admire how much wine Steve Schirripa is buying for the Knicks, purely out of his love for the team. Win or lose, the Knicks will always know their chardonnay comes courtesy of amazing fans like Mr. Schirripa!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood
ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back.
In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation.
“I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.”
Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork.
“I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.”
Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous.
“He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.”
The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis.
Campaign officials dismissed the allegation.
“Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said.
That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo.
Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden." The inscription translates to:...
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Opinion: Should I water my veteran?
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question.Managers keep asking me the same thing:“Should I water my veteran?”The short answer is: it depends.Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions.Not all veterans require the same level of watering.The first category is the Normal Human Veteran.This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them.They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions.They never wear the hats.They never tell stories.If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing.Do not water this veteran.They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization.The second category is the Oxygen Thief Veteran.This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions.Drink water.Change socks.Stand up straight.Stop doing that.Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate.If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions.This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended.The third category is the Smelly Veteran.
Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems
ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns.“We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.”Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story.“The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.”At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine.The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period.“It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones.Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do.No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session.Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm.“Total bullshit,” one sailor said.“Retarded,” said another.“I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third.Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative.“I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?”At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile
AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran.Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage.“The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.”According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.”Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability.
Daily Mash
‘She dedicates her life to us’ vs ‘He barbecues sometimes’: Mother’s Day tributes and Father’s Day tributes compared
EVERY year, mothers receive lavish gifts and cards packed with heartfelt sentiment from their children. Dads might also get something. These are the key differences:
Sacrifice
She gave her all for us. And Dad was also there. Well, present. While mum made packed lunches at 11pm, he supervised from the sofa. While she attended plays and sports day, he waited in the car. There’s a reason Mother’s Day tributes sound like citations for a humanitarian award while Father’s Day cards feature a man asleep under a newspaper.
Childhood memories
Mum remembers every childhood obsession. Your Dad remembers you dropping that ice cream in Cornwall in 2009 and is still bitter about the £3.65 lost. It was the central point in his speech at your wedding. He still doesn’t know your GCSE results. On the other hand, he can’t provide a full record of your lifelong weight fluctuations at zero notice.
Personality traits
‘No one loves Dire Straits like the old man’, you post, largely because it’s the only time you’ve ever seen him display emotion. His signed vinyl of Brothers In Arms is on the wall, while your graduation photo is in a drawer under the warranty for a hedge trimmer. Mums are supportive. Dads, whether it’s fishing, Rommel or barbecues, have A Thing.
Emotional tributes vs anecdotes
Mothers get ‘Thank you for your unconditional love’ or ‘You shaped the person I am today’. Dads get ‘Remember when you found your glasses in the freezer?’ or ‘And when you fell through the shed roof?’ One day celebrates profound emotional bonds. The other is essentially a recounting of missed opportunities to win £250 from You’ve Been Framed.
Strength
No Mother’s Day is complete without everyone declaring their Mum the strongest human ever to walk the earth. She worked three jobs, raised four children and never complained. Dad? Well, he once fixed your wi-fi and drove you to Cubs. A king amongst men.
We ask you: What surgical item has the NHS left inside your body?
THE NHS loves nothing more than to send you home with a little souvenir of your time with them lodged inside your body. What are you setting off metal detectors with?
Norman Steele, librarian: “A scalpel in my sternum. But to be fair they did give me a big ‘scalpel inside’ sticker to wear so I’m fine with it.”
Tony Logan, bus driver: “I’ve got an entire MRI scanner up there. ‘MRI Tony’ they call me at the pub. Sometimes for a laugh I use its missile effect to fire darts through the wall and into the landlord’s Vectra.”
Helen Archer, GP: “An entire hospital. Or at least in 2023 when I asked Boris Johnson where his promised new specialist care unit for our area was he said ‘up your fanny, you whore’.”
Nathan Muir, powerwash specialist: “Yeah, I’m furious, they left this oversized Bell’s Whiskey bottle lodged in my arse. That’s why I’m here at midnight in A&E demanding it be removed.”
Stephen Malley, personal trainer: “Nothing. F**king hell, are other people coming out with free stuff? Bastards.”
Woman rejected by ugly man she was trying to settle for
A WOMAN has been left stunned after a man she had decided was ‘probably good enough’ unexpectedly rejected her advances.
Lauren Hewitt, 36, had spent several months lowering her standards before making a move on Josh Hudson, 38, who then completely failed to appreciate the effort she had made on his behalf.
Hewitt said: “Read the room, fatso. I wasn’t flirting because I’d suddenly developed a thing for receding men with a collection of anoraks and the posture of a question mark. I was doing you a f**king favour.
“I’m worn out by the mental gymnastics I’ve been through to consider you as an option. Telling friends you were ‘lovely once you get to know him’. Focusing on your positives like having a job, owning a dishwasher, not being too boring. I was stacking the deck so you’d win and you don’t even want the prize.
“You’re supposed to feel grateful and in return I know you won’t – can’t – cheat. But you’re behaving like a much hotter man, saying you like me but aren’t sure of a romantic spark. Don’t you realise I’ve spent weeks gaslighting myself into thinking you’re f**kable?
“Settling isn’t easy. The least you can do is be grateful while I try not to say out loud how much better I could be doing. I’m offering you your sole opportunity to breed here, mate.”
Shortly afterwards Hewitt added: “Actually, wait. Do you think you turned me down because you felt intimidated that I’m too pretty for you?”
Ed Miliband, and other dull Labour twats the press is trying to make terrifying
THE right-wing press is desperate to convince readers that voting Labour will lead to a socialist nightmare ruled by ruthless Leninists. Here’s who it’s not really working with.
Angela Rayner
It’s hard to be scared of a gobby middle-aged Northern lass who likes an alcopop, and is Ange terrifyingly left-wing? Hardly. Judging by her extensive sucky praise for King Charles, she’s less likely to order a Romanov-style execution of the Royals than own tacky Danbury Mint plates of them.
Ed Miliband
Ed isn’t scary because mainstream green policies aren’t hard-left, but mainly because he’s such a dork. There’s no other word for someone who looks permanently socially awkward and tracks his cold-water swimming metrics on his smartwatch. If he admitted to owning 500 hand-painted Warhammer figures, you wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised. Frankly you’re sceptical he’s ever been out with a girl.
Rachel Reeves
From time to time the press claims Reeves is a dangerous spend-and-tax leftie who will bankrupt the UK. You have to wonder what alternate reality Mail and Express readers are living in if a centrist automaton like her is left-wing. Oh, it’s the one where you get arrested by the thought police for not sending your kids to transgender lessons in a hijab. It all makes sense now.
Andy Burnham
It’s odd that Burnham is considered left-wing when he’s resolutely moderate, recently saying he wanted to spend more on defence and less on benefits. And yet according to the press he wants a disastrous state-run economy and – we can infer – gulags. Of course it’s all about helping Reform win in Makerfield. If Nigel’s candidate loses it will ruin the narrative that Britain is desperate to have an obnoxious, grifting, Hitler-curious twat as prime minister.
Yvette Cooper
The Mail and others liked to suggest Cooper was a metropolitan elite type in favour of high immigration, which was unfair because she loved a good clampdown. It’s even harder to see her as left-wing now after she decided that Palestine Action was a terrorist group. Which it clearly is, just one that doesn’t do any actual terrorism. Let’s not get bogged down in detail.
Keir Starmer
Claiming Starmer’s government is left-wing is an insult to your intelligence. Admittedly it’s hard to remember what he does actually stand for, but you’re pretty sure he hasn’t called for the proletariat to oil the means of production with the blood of the capitalist pigs. Sadly for the press he’s not scary on a personal level either, unless you have an irrational fear of Gordon Brittas.
England’s victory was won for bigotry and no-strings-attached £5m gifts, says Farage
LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.
Yes, players like Harry Kane, Jordan Pickford and others who I prefer not to name did their country proud. And they did it not for multicultural values or the NHS or the right to peaceful assembly or any of that nonsense. They did it for me.
They did it for the man drinking five pints every lunchtime in the saloon bar. They did it for the boys in the City, for the farmers, for Jeremy Clarkson’s prostate and most of all for those who, through sheer dogged common sense, were given five million quid.
Because is that not what it is to be British? To receive, without obligation or the need to disclose it to parliamentary authorities, a gift from a friend. A friend who donated £6m to the Brexit Party and a further £22m to Reform, expecting nothing in return.
Why did Harry Kane stutter during that first penalty? Because he had doubts. Because he thought ‘If England is not a country where one can be given life-changing sums without suspicion, should I even bother?’
But then, as the referee ordered it to be retaken, he decided ‘No. No, England is not that country and never will be. It is a land of hope, glory and £5m into the bank account, no questions asked.’ And scored. And thanks to his two goals (and others) we won.
I daresay we’ll win the entire tournament, and if we don’t it’s the fault of Restore, Andy Burnham, Labour and the Conservatives in that order. Also certain other members of the England squad may not have pulled their weight which is typical.
No matter what, last night’s victory – on ITV not the Marxist BBC, I note – settles one thing, once and for all. England is great and that money is mine. No further questions.
The Poke
‘What’s some knowledge generally known only to the LGBTQ+ community?’ – 23 bits of under the radar info for Pride month
Pride month is here, and with it is a whole host of fantastic celebratory events, plus, of course, the usual social media dullards asking ‘When is straight month?’ (clue: the entire rest of modern human history). However, despite there being more awareness of and involvement in LGBTQ+ culture than ever, there are still some things […]
The Poke.
Jesse Watters’ take on Hillary Clinton was so gross his co-host couldn’t even look at him and you don’t have to be a woman to appreciate these A++ clapbacks
Everyone knows Fox News is the right place to go for the most accurate representation of what the alt-right considers fair and balanced news coverage. No, that doesn’t include deep dives into policy agreements or up-to-the-minute peace negotiations, but it does include bizarre and unprovoked attacks on a former First Lady and Secretary of State. […]
The Poke.
This American wilfully ignored every single warning about how much English Mustard to use and it will never not make our day better
American TikTok has a big sideline in reviewing British foods – with varying degrees of approval. This review of Colman’s English Mustard shared by comedy cook Desarae Legros – @cooking_comedy_chaos – shows why you should always take the advice of people who’ve tried it before. @cooking_comedy_chaos British Colman’s Mustard review! I was not expecting it […]
The Poke.
Kudos to this lone journalist attempting to hold Donald Trump to account and his response didn’t speak volumes, it bellowed them
Donald Trump didn’t just sign a big old document apparently bringing an end to the war he launched against Iran, he also took questions from the assembled media and used the opportunity to ramble on and on … and on. Except there were some questions Trump was less keen on than others, and there was […]
The Poke.
JD Vance said Democrats are ‘terrible people’ who should leave America if they don’t love it and got ratioed to within an inch of his life
In his never-ending quest to divide the United States, JD Vance has been touring the talk show circuit to spread his hateful message. His stop at The View got mixed reviews at best, but he really got to spread his wings (and lies) when he checked in with Fox News. Here is the Vice President […]
The Poke.
