LOS ANGELES—Revealing new details about the highly anticipated film, actor and producer Jared Leto teased Wednesday that the villain in Tron: Ares would be a teenage girl who lies for attention. “If you thought Clu was scary in the last film, just wait until you meet Kaylee,” said Leto, who shared that the antagonist would stop at nothing to destroy his character’s career with her false allegations, no matter the repercussions they might have for multimillion-dollar projects. “I play Ares, an AI being in a race against time to save his reputation from a malevolent and vindictive teenager. Many of the characters in the film assume that Ares is the evil one, but it’s only because they’ve fallen for Kaylee’s twisted lies. Ares is innocent! Plus, pretty much everyone can agree she looked at least 17 at the time.” Leto added that even though the movie took place in a sci-fi world, he thought its story would be relatable to many powerful men his age.

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Tinder is rolling out a mandatory Face Check feature in California, prompting users to undergo a biometric face scan to verify their identity before they can use the app. What do you think?

“As long as they don’t fact-check anything else on my profile…”

Bob Huntley, Regional Receptionist

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“Hopefully they implement ab verification, too.”

Joseph Gray, Tub Filler

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“Good, I’d feel much better knowing the person negging me is real.”

David Walker, Board Eraser

The post Tinder To Require Face Verification For New Users appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. “Toss ’em here,” said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not consume the citrus fruits but instead bring three of them to the nearest FDA office so the federal agency could show them something. “It’s been a while, but we can definitely do it. Organic, GMO, even a mandarin or tangelo should be brought to this lectern immediately. Come on, any region or distributor works. They have to be firm, though. If they’re not firm, we can’t do it.” At press time, the FDA had recalled one more orange to replace the one that had rolled under the table.

The post FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American’s plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. “Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, beckoning them over to his sports car, and becoming so smitten with their rough-hewn, street-smart ways that he invites them for an unforgettable evening at his hotel,” said report author Karyn Harpswell, adding that out of the 3,784 Americans surveyed, virtually all respondents listed putting on thigh-high boots and large hoop earrings to catch the veteran screen actor’s eye as a more sound investment strategy than a diversified portfolio, careful budgeting, or a Roth IRA. “Regardless of age, sex, or racial background, the thought process seemed to be that after one incredible night of lovemaking, they would wake up in Gere’s bed and find he already had plans to pay them to stick around for the next week. Then, between the exquisite meals at fancy restaurants and glamorous outfits on his dime, any additional retirement planning would be unnecessary, particularly if they could eventually convince Gere that they were meant to be together forever.” The report added that the plans of most Americans also involved avoiding Jason Alexander at all costs.

The post Report: Average American’s Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO — For a limited time, Red Lobster's menu will be updated to include a "Box of Things We Found at the Beach."

U.S. — An alarming report from the Foundation for Communal Socialistic Equity has confirmed that Trump's signature "Big Beautiful Bill" will cause 175 billion people to lose their Medicaid and die horrible deaths.

Check out what's coming above! Any others you'd like to see? Let us know in the comments below.

It's birthday time once again for the greatest nation on earth: America. Everybody likes to celebrate 'Murica a little differently - here are how nine famous politicians are planning to mark the 4th of July this year:

U.S. — The Subway sandwich franchise has excitedly announced its newest spokesman, Sean "Diddy" Combs.

In a time when computer technology is pushing us apart more than ever, it’s beautiful to see corporations prioritizing community-minded innovations like this: Microsoft just unveiled a tandem laptop that eight people can use simultaneously.

Wow. If this doesn’t restore your faith in tech’s ability to bring people together, nothing will!

At a press conference this morning, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announced the OctaTop—the world’s first-ever tandem laptop featuring eight adjoined screens that can be operated by as many users at once. Set to hit shelves next month, the OctaTop is intended to foster camaraderie among its users, who will have to stand side by side and share one keyboard designed to accommodate up to eight concurrently typing hands. 

“The OctaTop’s user experience presents a total departure from the isolating effects of single-user laptops,” explained Nadella. “Rather than forcing you to navigate a computer interface all alone, the OctaTop ensures you’ll have seven live acquaintances at your side as you surf the web, or work on a spreadsheet, or chat with those same seven people on Discord.” The CEO even suggested that the OctaTop is only the beginning of Microsoft’s tandem computer strategy, hinting that the company already has plans to develop a laptop big enough for several hundred simultaneous users. “Imagine your entire neighborhood using one laptop at the same time,” he said. “That’s Microsoft’s vision for the future.”

Yes! This is what community is all about!

Hats off to Microsoft. Tandem laptops could disrupt the entire computer technology industry as we know it, and for the better. BRB y’all—we’re gonna go call seven of our favorite cousins to pre-order an OctaTop we can all use together!

Whole lotta cars out there driving around, and as you’ve probably noticed, most of them have wheels. Usually four, but sometimes even six or three. So, what gives? Why do they have them (wheels)? Is that “just the way they are born,” as some have speculated? Well, let’s dive into it! Here are six reasons cars have wheels.

1. Wheels are the roundest thing there are. 

When it comes to the shape “round,” wheels are as good as it gets. Maybe Hanky Ford and John Toyota tried out some other round things on the bottoms of their car prototypes, but at the end of the day, only wheels provided the roundness they desired. Even now, dozens of years after the invention of the automobile, wheels still claim the throne as the roundest, most circular thing you can get. Just look around any parking lot and we think you’ll agree. 

2. Cars like wheels.

Sometimes, you just have something just because you like it. Did anyone ever ask you why you’re wearing a certain anklet or drinking a certain glass of water? No!!!!!! We all understand that sometimes you possess things because you enjoy them, and cars are no different. They like wheels, and wheel probably like them. 

3. All the wheels gotta go somewhere!

Ever see a big pile of wheels? Well, those wheel piles aren’t going to just disappear on their own. Someone’s gotta put the wheels onto cars to make room for other things. And the best part? The cars can drive away!! Now those wheels are outta the picture, and you can put a pile of something else where the pile of wheels used to be. Win-win!

4. It just looks better.

You’ve probably seen a car driving down the street without wheels and thought, “Something just doesn’t look right about this…” Well, that’s because cars without wheels, simply put, look bad. They appear very short, squat, and wheelless, which is unappealing to the eye, and that’s reason enough to throw some wheels on ’em. 

5. It’s tradition. 

Not everyone is a motorhead, but even if you’re not really that into cars, you’ve gotta admit that there’s just something classic about a car sitting on top of a set of four wheels with tires on them. It’s time-tested—every car from the Ford Model T to the Tesla Cybertruck has had wheels on it in one way or another. Houses have roofs, dogs have ears, and cars have wheels. It’s just the way it is. 

6. It’s the law.

Better not see law enforcement catch you driving around in a vehicle with no wheels on it. Not only are they going to give you a big ticket, but they’re going to impound your vehicle until you can get some wheels put on there. Look, we don’t know why the laws are written the way they are, but driving without wheels is pretty much a no-go in every state besides Indiana. You’ve been warned!

When a brand changes its slogan, it’s usually part of a new marketing strategy geared at refreshing the brand’s identity with consumers and improving its visibility in the marketplace. But one recent slogan update seems to imply that something else entirely is going on: Popeyes just quietly changed their slogan from “Love That Chicken” to “Tolerate That Chicken.”

Uh, what? Why does it feel like this must have been legally mandated?

As of yesterday, all of Popeyes’ promotional materials and social media has been updated to reflect their new slogan, “Tolerate That Chicken,” which uses the exact same font and design as the old slogan did, with no additional announcements or changes to explain the baffling switch. Generally speaking, fast food brands don’t want their customers to think of their offerings as something they merely “tolerate,” which strongly suggests that Popeyes did this with a gun to their head. 

The particular type of legal pressure that caused Popeyes to overhaul their slogan is anyone’s guess. Did a Popeyes competitor file legal action against them? Did the US government receive thousands of complaints that the old slogan didn’t accurately reflect the quality of Popeyes chicken? Did a powerful attorney somewhere have a bad experience with Popeyes and use all of their power to force this change? 

Yep, the reason for this subtle but significant modification to Popeyes’ slogan is definitely a head-scratcher. 

Popeyes is mostly a place you choose to eat when the Panda Express line at the tollway oasis is too long, so it’s doubtful this will have much impact on their business, but all eyes are on their next move to see if they drop any other clues as to what exactly is going on. Will they start replacing the smiles on the people eating their chicken in their promotional materials with neutral expressions? Will their drive-through cashiers start saying, “Welcome to Popeyes, what can I make you tolerate today?” Whatever happens next, this is one mystery we’re going to be working overtime to try and crack.

While the field where the Battle of Gettysburg took place has long been a hallowed site for Americans across the country, it just received some international recognition that’s seriously overdue and incredibly well-deserved: Gettysburg Battlefield has just been officially named a UNESCO World ‘W.T.F. Moment’ site.

Absolutely awesome! What an incredible way to honor one of the weirdest moments in American history.

To mark the battlefield’s new status as a W.T.F.?? Moment site, UNESCO has placed a bronze plaque featuring the words “Well, that happened” in the center of the battlefield. The site joins an esteemed roster of other UNESCO W.T.F. sites such as the Chernobyl power plant in Ukraine, Tiananmen Square in China, and the banquet hall in Tokyo where President George H.W. Bush barfed on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa.

“The Battle of Gettysburg remains one of the most random and honestly wild moments in U.S. history,” wrote UNESCO in a statement on the U.N.’s website that paid tribute to the 51,000 doofuses on both sides of the American Civil War who absolutely ate shit during those three cringeworthy days in July 1863. “One would need a heart of stone to look upon this sacred battlefield and not think, ‘Lol. Lmao, even.’ For this reason, we are honored to preserve this battlefield as one of human civilization’s great W.T.F. sites.”

Once again UNESCO has proven their tireless dedication to preserving the most buckwild and frankly uncalled for moments across all the cultures and nations of our world. Anyone who has ever been to the Gettysburg battlefield in person knows the powerful feeling of secondhand embarrassment that one feels when contemplating the countless facepalm moments that transpired on its consecrated ground. This is such an awesome way to honor the courageous randos who fought at Gettysburg and the totally bonkers legacy they’ve left behind!

A truly tragic story is currently unfolding at Gulliver’s Bistro in Chicago, and it’s guaranteed to change the way its victim sees the world forever: This guy just flipped over the menu and found it is blank.

Absolutely devastating. This man’s night is completely ruined, and it’s unlikely he will ever recover.

Thirty-four-year-old Matt Schenker had just sat down for a meal at Gulliver’s with his wife and children when he was shocked and horrified to discover that the restaurant’s entire menu consisted of a single page with only five appetizers, six entrees, and a small selection of beer and soft drinks. Despite a desperate search on the other side of the menu, he was unable to locate additional options.

“When I first saw the items on the menu, I was like, ‘Okay these look fine, but let’s see what’s on page two.’ But there was no page two, which is bullshit,” Matt explained while visibly fighting back tears. “You’re telling me that my only choices for dinner are seared halibut, roasted chicken, braised lamb, veggie risotto, cacio e pepe, a hamburger, a garden salad with fennel, a Caesar salad, and a paella with seasonal seafood? What if I want pizza, or something else amazing that I can’t think of right now? I could understand if this were prison and I were being punished for a horrible crime, but this is supposed to be a family restaurant!”

If your heart isn’t breaking for this poor man right now, you officially have no soul.

While Matt’s family managed to find items on the oppressively small menu to eat, Matt remains completely despondent, and it’s easy to understand why. If these are his only options, then there’s no way his dinner is going to be perfect, which is what he deserves. “There could be something a million times better than all of these things, but we’ll never know because they ended the menu after one page,” Matt added as tears began pouring down his face. “I wish I’d never been born, or that I’d been born into a better world where everything went right for me all the time.”

Sadly, it’s becoming all-too-common for cruel restaurants to force their diners to choose from increasingly small menus with no additional options on the back. Here’s hoping the American people get together and start a mass movement to demand that restaurants always offer them huge menus full of all the best food in the world. It’s not just the right thing to do, it’s the only way to create a world that’s truly committed to peace and justice!

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS James Earl Ray, but after a different individual with the same name.

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“This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with a slice of lime. “Naming a ship after a Naval officer who served with honor during the Korean War is a disgrace to the Navy and its strong reputation for heterosexuality. From now on, T-AO-206 will be named USNS James Earl Ray, but not after the guy who shot MLK.”

“It’s actually a combination of names,” Hegseth said. “James for Vice Admiral James Stockdale, Earl for the Medal of Honor winner Robert Earl Bonney, and Ray, because it’s a drop of golden sun.”

“I just want to be absolutely clear,” Hegseth said while scrolling Wikipedia on his desktop computer. “This is a different James Earl Ray. Totally separate guy. The actions of the assassin James Earl Ray are not in line with the values of the Department of Defense. We would never support or honor a white man who chose to be within range of a black person,” Hegseth added.

Meanwhile, critics have claimed that renaming USNS Harvey Milk during Pride month was a slap in the face of all gay servicemembers in the military. Hegseth confirmed this was accurate.

“Honoring gay people is not in line with the policies of this administration,” Hegseth said. “That would open a gateway for the Marxists, who will not stop until trans-lesbian black females run everything.”

The defense secretary noted that the Pentagon would now honor “a separate, yet unequal,” part of American history.

“We’re sending a strong message to our adversaries — especially those in Navy HR. From here on, our Navy and our broader armed forces will reflect traditional values, like open containers and vague Southern resentment.”

At press time, Hegseth was ordering USS Doris Miller, USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and USNS Harriet Tubman to have their names changed to sailors who had the same names as Confederate generals.

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• Fort Irwin to be renamed Fort Hitler

• Hegseth orders military to paint 'Z' on all vehicles

• Ted Cruz tells US Army to get back to commercials that make his dick hard

• Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

LOS ANGELES — The ongoing military presence in downtown Los Angeles has claimed its first casualty. Gambit, a Marine Corps working dog, was shot and killed during a visit by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who allegedly feared for her safety.

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Witnesses say the 55-pound Belgian Malinois was leashed and fully compliant when Noem drew her personal Sig Sauer 9mm — hot pink, of course — and fired three rounds into the dog’s back.

Noem, who famously admitted in her 2024 memoir to executing her 14-month-old puppy Cricket for being “untrainable,” defended the act as a matter of self-defense.

“I feared for my life,” Noem said while readjusting clip-in extensions and reapplying bronzer. “And frankly, that animal was wild and probably would not have been a very good hunting dog, anyway.”

But Cpl. Gabriel Loup, who trained Gambit since puppyhood, disagrees. An experienced hunter himself, Loup said that Gambit was tough when necessary but overall well-trained and friendly.

“I grew up in the country. I know a good bird dog from a bad one. I raised and trained Gambit from the time he was a puppy. He was a good dog,” Loup explained, still visibly sobbing. “Secretary Noem just loves killing dogs. I bet she is banned from Disney World because Pluto fears for his fucking life.”

Noem insisted that Gambit was aggressive and clearly out of control, despite his being tagged and harnessed in accordance with Marine regulations. Additionally, Gambit was trained in the elite Military Working Dog Program, an initiative that has been successfully in place in the Marine Corps for over eighty years.

“He was a loyal, disciplined, government-issued good boy,” Loup said, holding back tears. “Not that it matters. This bitch just loves shooting puppies.”

Despite Loup’s evident distress over the death of Gambit, Noem refused to apologize. Instead, she stuck to her metaphorical and literal guns.

“Look, this was sad but ultimately sorely needed,” Noem said, while hastily reapplying bronzer to her cheeks with a handheld compact. “Just like these troops need to be here to deport these illegal criminals.”

“Habeas corpus is the law that says the President can deport illegals, and the Second Amendment is the law that says I get to shoot dogs if they are acting up. These things are in the Bible. Look it up!” Noem stated firmly as she boarded her private jet.

As Noem continues her tour of military installations, defense officials are reminding troops to avoid sudden movements and refrain from fetching anything.

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.

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• Riot breaks out at Fort Hood dining facility after menu promises chocolate milf

• General’s controversial graduation speech sparks riots, 11 killed

• DHS purchases 1.2 billion 'Domestic Anti-Personnel' rounds

GRANDMA’S HOUSE, USA — Multiple sources report that your grandmother is very worried about “all this Middle East business” and just wants to know if you were on one of those airplanes that recently bombed Iran.

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“She’s been worried sick,” said your mother, even though you are not a pilot or mission commander, and might not even be in the Air Force. “Grandma saw the news about ‘those stealth plane things’ attacking the atomic bomb factories in Iran, and she’s afraid you might have been flying one. Please call her.”

One of your siblings noted that Grandma did try to ask you about it by posting on her own Facebook wall. “Why not take a few minutes to check it out, Mister Top Gun War Hero?” the sibling said.

This isn’t the first time grandma thought you were in the middle of a high-profile military operation. At various times over the past month, she’s asked your parents and siblings if you were in North Korea, Ukraine, or deployed to the border “fighting all those illegals.”

Gen. Michael Kurilla, commander of U.S. Central Command, tried to reassure your Nana.

“While we do not release combat aircrew details about classified missions, I can assure your grandmother that you can barely recognize a B-2, much less fly one,” he said.

Meanwhile, grandma’s concern about the danger she thinks you’re in has even reached Capitol Hill.

“Your grandchild is not a pilot, ma’am,” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has questioned the wisdom of the attack on Iran. “The vast military-industrial complex does not revolve around your little Private Jeffrey. Calm the hell down.”

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, most of your extended family appears to believe you are personally involved in every operation shown on Fox News. This includes your cousin, who recently texted to ask if you got to “march in that big Marine birthday parade thing.”

At press time, your grandpa was pointing at the television, claiming he saw you guarding the entrance to the White House.

Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this story.

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about books on YouTube.

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• Dishonor Flight brings veterans back to the bar tabs they never settled

• Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in Iraq

• Opinion: I’ll back out of my parking space as slow as I goddamn please

• Leaked: Hegseth’s plan to 'de-gay' the military

THE PENTAGON — As tensions between Israel and Iran continue to swell, the United States reaffirmed its unwavering commitment to regional stability by launching a full-scale invasion of Iraq, sources confirmed today.

Initially framed as a “measured response” to both Israel’s and Iran’s escalatory behavior, the operation took an unexpected turn when someone reminded Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that Iran and Iraq are, in fact, different countries.

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“Wait — are you serious?” asked Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth during a press conference, slowly turning to look at a globe someone had hastily brought into the room. “So… where the hell have we been sending the 101st?”

Hegseth, known for weekend morning Fox News hits and buying suits at Banana Republic, was reportedly briefed on the situation using a laminated Risk board, memes on Post-it Notes, and a pirated copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. He apparently mistook Iraq for “the brown one next to the oil” and approved the mission with a double thumbs-up Post-it and a Braveheart quote.

The debacle deepened when Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard weighed in from her beachfront Skull Island HQ in Hawaii, where she was livestreaming a yoga pose titled Warrior II: Strategic Ambiguity.

“We’ve assessed with low-to-moderate enlightenment that Iraq is spiritually adjacent to Iran,” said Gabbard, speaking over a background of ocean waves and pan flutes. “And while we don’t have actual evidence, I feel very strongly about this, chakra-wise.”

Sources say Gabbard’s daily intelligence brief was a vision board featuring a burning American flag, a surfboard, and the words “Sovereignty? Vibes only.”

The actual invasion kicked off when several brigades of the 82nd Airborne, one Marine Expeditionary Unit, and the entirety of the National Guard’s Persian Gulf Renaissance Fair Reenactment Unit parachuted into Baghdad International Airport — again — to the confusion of everyone involved.

Iraqi officials initially assumed the Americans were back for a class reunion, possibly a 20-year anniversary of “Operation Let’s See What Happens.” When told this was a new operation, codenamed Enduring Freedom 2, the Iraqi Prime Minister said, “Of course it is.”

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WASHINGTON — One week after the United States Army marked its 250th birthday with pageantry, pyrotechnics, and more PowerPoint than any rational force should endure, a surprising historical revelation emerged from the archives: a previously unknown chapter from Baron Friedrich Von Steuben famed "Blue Book," detailing a drill move known as "pimp stepping."

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The announcement, part of the Army's continued birthday victory lap, came as retired Lt. Gen. Larry Wyche, the Army’s former 'lady’s man' logistician, uncovered the forgotten chapter in a section of the Army War College archives unofficially dubbed the "Purple Velvet Room."

"Ummm… yea… we were doing some cataloging of some old manuals and unearthed this remarkably ornate, purple-bound volume," Wyche explained earnestly, standing in front of a lavish, velvet-draped background. "Initially, we thought it was something from the officers' club's lost-and-found. But upon closer inspection, we realized it was indeed a hidden Von Steuben chapter on maintaining discipline through swagger."

According to Wyche, the rediscovered chapter outlined how soldiers could improve morale, cohesion, and battlefield dominance by adopting a rhythmically confident walk, which Von Steuben described explicitly as "pimp stepping." Wyche noted the manual included extensive diagrams, some featuring Von Steuben himself with an embellished cane, feathered tricorn hat, and rhinestone boots.

"Apparently, Von Steuben believed it was crucial for soldiers to strut assertively onto the battlefield," Wyche said, flipping through pages delicately. "He claimed an intimidating swagger could ‘strike fear into the enemy’s hearts and wallets.' Historical accuracy aside, it's clear Von Steuben was ahead of his time, at least in terms of style."

In a demonstration during the U.S. Army's official 250th Anniversary Parade, soldiers from the United States Army Special Operations Command (USASOC) marched using the newly authenticated "pimp stepping" method. The precision drill team drew cheers, applause, and confused looks from onlookers lining the parade route.

"This We’ll Pimp," sarcastically declared Command Sgt. Maj. Joel Mathie, observing his soldiers proudly displaying exaggerated rhythmic movements reminiscent of early 1970s disco-infused films. Mathie maintained his trademark deadpan expression as he elaborated: "The Army has always adapted and overcome, and if that means our soldiers now walk like they're heading to Studio 54, then that's exactly what we’ll do. Hooah."

Austin Von Letkemann, the Army’s official social media commenter, agreed that Von Steuben’s method had clear strategic implications. "America’s enemies need to know we keep the peace by keeping the pimp hand strong," Von Letkemann asserted passionately. "And our allies need to remember—we want our money for fighting your wars. Swagger sends a clear diplomatic message."

Von Steuben’s forgotten chapter also detailed unit formations specifically designed to maximize intimidation and visual appeal. Instructions included movements like the Continental Dip, the Yorktown Lean, and the Philadelphia Glide. The manual was explicit about rhythm, demanding each movement align precisely with a drummer playing ‘the funkiest beat achievable with 18th-century snare.’

Despite enthusiasm from the Army ranks, the revelations were met with predictable disdain from other service branches, notably the Navy. Retired Navy Capt. Mark Kelly openly ridiculed the event from the sidelines.

"You know, we sailors may occasionally wear those bell-bottoms and the sailor hats, but we've never strutted around claiming that our ability to fight depends on looking like extras from a 70s film," Kelly scoffed, rolling his eyes as soldiers continued their elaborately choreographed routine. "At least when we parade, we do it like real servicemembers—awkwardly, and slightly off-beat."

Meanwhile, members of Congress, unsure whether the discovery was a historical breakthrough or an elaborate hoax, nonetheless praised the Army’s innovative approach to military heritage.

"If there's one thing the American taxpayer loves more than funding elaborate military pageantry, it's funding elaborate military pageantry that also looks good in slow-motion," remarked one congressional staffer. "When the inevitable Hollywood adaptation comes around, taxpayers will know their money was well spent."

The Pentagon has not clarified whether ‘pimp stepping’ will become a permanent part of the basic training curriculum, but early feedback from recruits indicates high approval ratings. Drill sergeants report that trainees seemed more confident and eager to participate in marching drills since adopting the new swagger.

"Sure, we have to spend an extra half-hour every morning coordinating sequins and practicing smooth pivots," said one drill sergeant, shrugging in resignation. "But hey, morale is through the roof, and it's hard to argue with results—especially when your platoon looks absolutely fabulous."

The discovery and implementation of von Steuben’s pimp stepping have sparked a unique moment of unity, confusion, and a spirited debate about what precisely constitutes military bearing. Army leadership is currently revisiting additional previously disregarded chapters from Von Steuben’s "Blue Book," including sections on tactical jive-talking on the battlefield.

As soldiers, historians, and Pentagon bureaucrats grappled with the practical implications, one junior enlisted soldier summed up the sentiment succinctly: “I’m just happy to finally be encouraged to walk around like I own the place.”

Adrian DeRyder is a former Army officer and current writer for the Duffel Blog that blends sharp insight and wit to highlight the absurdities of military life.

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MEGHAN has relaunched her shopping site, with new products and even more twee bullshit. Here she explains how she’d make your supermarket staples more poncey.

Baked beans with flower sprinkles

Every tin comes with edible flower petals to take your beans from mundane to magical! Think of it as ‘confetti’ for your beans on toast, even if you’d never in a million years have come up with such a pointless concept yourself!

Bespoke eggs crafted by chicken artisans

Pamper yourself with the unrivalled luxury of an egg, each one lovingly sculpted inside a chicken’s bumhole-vagina. Plate your egg, fried, in a mosaic of bacon, toast, mushrooms and sausages, adding the silky opulence of ketchup from a squeezy bottle. Save a piece of sausage and wear it on a chain as a keepsake of this special moment.

Toilet paper to be enjoyed with the ones you love

I believe the most beautiful thing in life is sharing, and 16-packs of toilet rolls mean the people closest to you can share in the joy of passing stool. Why not ask them to join you in your bathroom for a charming evening of conversation and defecation? You’ll wonder why you ever took a shit alone!

Luxurious limited edition Cathedral City, 550g

This block of Cathedral City is the only one to ever have existed at exactly these specific coordinates in time and space, so it’s basically as unique as a diamond! And just a few pieces will transform a dull slice of toast into a sumptuous slice of cheese on toast! You should try it!

Carefully curated dinosaur shapes 

Every one of my frozen turkey dinosaurs is specially chosen by a machine to make dinnertime a real-life journey back through time to the humid glades of the Jurassic Era. And each T-Rex, diplodocus and stegosaurus has been certified by a qualified palaeontologist as 100 per cent historically similar, apart from the breadcrumbs.

24-pack of 2025 vintage Stella Artois

A delicately balanced lager with soft notes of lager, a delicate aroma of lager and a lagery finish. It’s effortlessly versatile – perfect for carefree summer afternoons in the garden, or simply getting rat-arsed in front of the telly. During our nights in, Harry is always asking for another can!

Wonderfully indulgent Toilet Duck 

A decadent, lemony treat for any bleach lover, and the exquisitely sculpted neck for getting under the rim will make it a wonderful conversation piece in any ‘little room’ for years to come. Makes a perfect wedding gift.

Plan a romantic Big Soup breakfast 

Surprise your partner with a wonderfully seductive Big Soup in bed. Lamb and veg, beef and veg, chunky veg – let your imagination run wild! My secret tip? Spoon Big Soup over a freshly baked croissant for a dash of classic French elegance. Don’t forget to serve it with a generous sprinkling of love!

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon. 

Steve Malley, aged 49 and the proud holder of two tickets for the opening Cardiff concert which brings the brothers back together for the first time in 16 years, is already three Stellas in and singing early B-side D’Yer Wanna Be a Spaceman to his office.

He continued: “They won’t play that of course. It’ll be the rockers. The hits. The classics that united a generation. Oh, didn’t see you there boss, want a can?

“Yeah, there’s no way I’d be able to get drunk enough to honour the occasion at the Millennium Stadium with the queues and the prices, so I’m starting now and powering through. I think we can agree this is more important than work! The Gallaghers! Back!

“I’ll be spending tonight and tomorrow in the pub, I’ll maintain my buzz through the day and only get more pissed during lunch as a compromise, then noon Friday I’ll simply f**k off and roam the city in a mad frenzy of lager, loutishness and bellowing Wonderwall.

“By the time we’re in my blood alcohol ratio should be about 1:1 and I’ll be nothing but a gibbering mess under a bucket hat, waiting for Rock ’N’ Roll Star to blow away my every accumulated unhappiness since 1996 and make me young again with hair.”

Employer Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’d argue, but I spent a week pissed building up to Beyoncé.”

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure. 

Despite containing nothing but stretches of desolate sand, alcoholics and the nexus of the two which is Butlins, the seaside resort of Skegness persists in operating an open-topped bus service so visitors and locals alike can take in its vast disappointment over an unhurried day, with frequent stops.

Bus driver Roy Hobbs said: “There’s no better way to see where Panda’s Palace used to be. Quite a few of our passengers get off there for a poke around the rusting steel fence. 

“It’s not just your fancy southern cities who have attractions. For as little as £3 you can admire the region’s world-renowned brown sea, vulgar arcades and dilapidated pier, all in bracing wind and rain from a bus with no roof. All from either the dizzying heights of 13ft or ground level, if you’re prepared to wait 45 minutes for me to come around again.

“And tourists jumping aboard to marvel at Water Meadows Fishery or our anti-homeless spikes will be joined by our residents, who catch a ride  to the job centre and the bookies. I’m a functioning public transport system until after my lunchtime cans.”

Holidaymaker Jo Kramer said: “You’d never be able to take a tour like this in a car, because in a car you’d leave Skegness immediately.” 

A LABOUR rebel has admitted that he voted against the welfare bill because he always felt the party had more of a ‘caring for the disabled’ vibe.

Martin Bishop, member for Lewisham North, said that he did not want to be a Jeremy Corbyn or anything but did he not remember something along those lines in the manifesto?

He continued: “I know, balancing the budget and everything. But the phrase ‘on the backs of those who can least afford it’ kept floating up, like we said when we weren’t in power.

“Is that not just Labour? From the many to the few, and such sentiments? As opposed to ‘You can wash yourself so get to f**king work?’

“I looked over the benefits bill, and its withdrawal of all funding to all young people with mental health problems on the statistical suspicion some of them must be faking it, and thought ‘Tory’. Followed by ‘well Tory’.

“How about, instead, we just tax someone we haven’t thought of yet but who won’t mind? I’ll leave the details up to Rachel Reeves. I’m an ideas man.”

Keir Starmer said: “If this bill still takes benefits away from even one person, it is a success.”

Just when Labour’s Welfare Bill fiasco couldn’t possibly get any worse, all attention focussed on chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves’ upset in the House of Commons during PMQs. Downing Street said it was a ‘personal matter’ for Reeves and – politics aside – anyone with an ounce of empathy will surely wish her well, […]

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A parody about getting older, based on the ‘That’s not my’ series of books. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Image Pexels

The post That’s not my body part… A parody about getting older, based on the ‘That’s not my’ series appeared first on The Poke.

The job of the Leader of the Opposition is to oppose the Government. We get that. However, as the current holder of the position, we’re baffled that Kemi Badenoch does her opposing in the form of carefully scripted self-owns, like this comment she made in the Commons on Wednesday. Kemi Badenoch: "It beggars belief that […]

The post Kemi Badenoch said Labour should have had a plan for welfare reform after 14 years in opposition, and shares in irony tripled in value appeared first on The Poke.

Maga Mike Johnson was obviously born without a sense of shame, or the ability to know when to keep his mouth shut. After all, the now Speaker of the House of Representatives is the man who thought he should tell the world that he and his son keep each other pure for Jesus by monitoring […]

The post 15 clapbacks to the Speaker urging people to ‘give up their personal preferences for the greater good’ of Trump’s billionaire cashgrab bill appeared first on The Poke.

It’s Wimbledon time again, so we’ve rallied around to serve you 12 ace facts about the UK’s largest annual tennis tournament.  1. Wimbledon is the oldest tennis tournament in the world, the first taking place in 1887. 2. During the Championships, the grass on the Wimbledon tennis courts is maintained at a height of 8mm […]

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