The Onion
A Sneak Peek At Taylor Swift’s Wedding
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.
THE DRESS
Inspired by Swift’s love of Elizabeth Taylor, the custom gown will be embellished with over 30 of the legendary actress’s teeth
THE VENUE
New York City, with overflow seating in Rhode Island
THE DATE
In homage to Taylor Swift’s favorite number, the ceremony will take place on 13/13/13
THE THEME
Taylor Swift
SOMETHING BLUE
Travis Kelce’s tongue after getting into the Jolly Rancher bowl
THE GROOM’S ATTIRE
The groom will be wearing a bucket hat designed by Vera Wang
RING BEARER
The congregation will be charmed as Swift’s private jet adorably taxis the rings down the aisle
THE CAKE
Plain Costco sheet cake
GUEST ETIQUETTE
The bride has firmly requested no sack tapping
GIFTS
In lieu of presents, the couple asks that guests sue Scooter Braun
REHEARSAL DINNER
For ease of comprehension, the rehearsal dinner has been renamed the scrimmage dinner
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
TMZ
VOWS
Both Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will recite vows written by Taylor Swift
THE GIANT ICE SCULPTURE OF A T-REX
A compromise
THE FAVORS
A bunch of the Target-exclusive vinyls that didn’t end up selling
The Onion.
Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of Punishment
NEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God’s rune of punishment. “After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked by the imprint of suffering from Ranggnarr, The God of Mosquitos, is far more likely to be bitten by the insect deity’s loyal worshippers,” said Entomology Department Head Marcus Falwell, advising Americans who plan on spending time outdoors to cover any exposed skin that was singed with righteous flames by the Supreme Winged Being as penance for crimes against mosquito-kind. “We have found that the bright colors emanating from the ominous glow of the rune will transform people into mosquito magnets, causing a primal force inside the pests to compel them to torment the branded subjects on behalf of their ancestor’s suffering during the Dreadful Squashing.” Falwell also cautioned anyone who worshipped false mosquito idols during the last equinox to wear long sleeves as a precautionary measure.
The Onion.
Travis Kelce Utters 2 Syllables Of Wedding Venue Name Before Tranq Dart Strikes Neck
The Onion.
Political Profile: Ken Paxton
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here’s everything you need to know about the Republican candidate.
Angle Of Smirk: 34 degrees
Signature Style: Rushing to put belt back on
Campaign Slogan: “Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills”
Position On Pedophilia: Moderate
Good Side: Neither
Political Goals: Not going to prison
Favorite Exercise: Shaking fist at unwed mothers
Most Embarrassing Moment: Forgetting who was bribing who in middle of exchange
What He’ll Do If He Loses: Sue the voters
The Onion.
World’s Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami
The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think?
“Cool, I’ll check it out if everything else in Miami is closed.”
Silas Wu, Safe Locker
“An artifact of this age and importance should only be kicked by highly trained curators.”
Eddie Razavi, Taco Assembler
“To think that Pope Clement VII may have scored on Suleiman the Magnificent with that very ball.”
Isabel Kesgin, Unemployed
The Onion.
ClickHole
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Death With Dignity: Life Alert Has Added A Self-Destruct Button
Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button.
Absolutely beautiful. It’s amazing that one company is going so far above and beyond for its customers.
“Now when you fall down and can’t get up, or start to suffer a heart attack, Life Alert offers you the option to end your life in a peaceful, tasteful explosion,” the personal emergency response company wrote in a post on their official Instagram account early this morning. “The days of lying on the ground, waiting around for help that could take forever to arrive, are over.”
In a recent commercial highlighting the new Life Alert feature, an elderly woman slips and falls in her driveway. The old woman recites the iconic Life Alert line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” before pressing the emergency call button on her Life Alert bracelet. After lying on the ground for 15 seconds, the woman then says, “Fuck this, I don’t have the time for this kind of bullshit,” presses a button on her bracelet labeled “Self-Destruct” and immediately explodes, blowing a hole in the side of her house and destroying her garden in the process.
The commercial is being heralded by all the most important advertising experts as “deeply moving” and “solemnly poetic.” Life Alert is being heralded across the marketing industry for taking the honor and poise of their customers seriously and offering them a way to end their life with an elegant explosion instead of flopping around like a fish.
This is so awesome! We knew that Life Alert was one of the best companies of all time, but adding a self-destruct button is insanely beautiful, even for them. No matter who you are or where you come from, we can all agree that letting the elderly blow themselves up with their self-respect intact is noble, empowering, and wonderful. Other companies take note: this is the kind of care and innovation your customers deserve!
Duffel Blog
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
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Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Supergirl movie focuses on tough extinction vs cousin-f**king dilemma
THE new Supergirl movie examines the brutal quandary of whether it is better to allow the Kryptonian race to die out or to f**k one’s cousin.
Though not revealed in the trailer, the bulk of the film is a debate between Superman and his cousin Supergirl about whether they have the right to condemn their people to extinction just because the thought of doing it gives them the ick.
Movie reviewer Tom Booker says: “Superman presents a strong argument for procreation, saying that ethically they owe their people the chance to live again, citing all the good he has done for humanity and which their descendants could further.
“Kara replies that what if mingling their related genetic material creates a monstrous superbaby, who would the next generation have kids with anyway, and also ew.
“Superman counters with their moral duty to provide Earth with protectors and says yes, they would need to do it the old-fashioned way because his super-sperm would shatter any test tube.
“She says what about Lois Lane and Superman says Lois doesn’t have to know. Then blows it completely by suggesting she could work up to it by giving him a handy.”
Fan Oliver O’Connor said: “Finally a relatable superhero film with conversations like those we’ve all had in real life.”
Total f**king bastard slept well last night
AN insufferable man has woken up feeling refreshed after getting a full eight hours of sleep last night.
Well-rested irritant Nathan Muir breezed into work visibly full of energy and is currently telling anyone who will listen that despite the heatwave he slept effortlessly all the way through until morning.
He said: “I just drew the curtains and left the fan running all evening. Simples, really.
“I was so comfortable I fell asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow. In fact I’d completely forgotten that it was 32 degrees at 11pm. Which is incredible because that’s a horrific temperature.
“I’m so glad I wasn’t tossing and turning all night, and my sheets stayed nice and clean because I wasn’t sweating. I think I stirred once to pull my duvet up because I was starting to get a little chilly, but that’s about it.
“If anything I slept too well. I was in such a deep slumber that my alarm almost didn’t wake me up. Hopefully I’ll get a little less kip tonight.”
Muir’s colleague Emma Bradford said: “I had a toddler as well as the heat keeping me up. I should be allowed to put Nathan to sleep forever.”
American comes to Europe hoping it’ll be shit
AN American on a trip of a lifetime to Europe is hoping it will be crime-ridden, poverty-stricken and without air conditioning.
Trump supporter Jordan Gardner of North Carolina cannot wait to find out if Europe is as poor, backwards, filthy and full of dumb, ugly liberals as his friends online tell him it is.
He said: “I land in Londonistan at 4pm, and I’m hoping to get my phone snatched by illegals on motor scooters by 4.45pm at the latest.
“I’ve made sure to book into a hotel without air conditioning, which the asshole limeys have never even heard of, and then I’ll go to a ‘pub’ where the beer will be warm and Millwall fans will ‘boot my nut in’ when I tell them their sport is gay. Looking forward to it!
“After that I go to France, where they don’t even speak goddamn English, and Germany where they’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for us. I’ll see the Eiffel Tower which isn’t as tall as Freedom Tower, the Mona Lisa which sucks, and I’ll knock down the Berlin Wall.
“During all of that I hope to be mugged, drugged and if possible sodomised by Islamic invaders who’ve taken over the continent and turned it into a cesspit. I’ve scheduled that as a livestream.
“Finally, I’ll turn down all socialist healthcare, drag my broken, bleeding, overheated body onto a flight home, arrive in the wonderful 64ºF US and attend the US Semiquincentennial grateful I was smart enough to be born American. I hope Trump rambles.”
‘Can I use it in the car?’: A sadly necessary Q&A for disposable barbecue twats
THE number of blazes caused by disposable barbecues suggests idiots may still need advice on their use. Read this Q&A before you start randomly committing arson.
So what’s the problem again?
It’s all down to a thing called ‘fire’, which has a surprising tendency to ‘spread’ and burn things you weren’t trying to cook, such as fields, fences and your house. Curse those irresponsible barbecue manufacturers for putting deadly fire in them.
Can I use a disposable barbecue in the car?
Technically, yes. The barbecue can definitely be ignited on the back seat of a moving car, but most people choose not to because it’s mental and you might die horribly in a burning vehicle. If that’s too complicated a scenario for you to grasp, don’t do it because your sausages will keep rolling off and getting fluff on them.
Are they safe for my dog to use?
Not really. Dogs are likely to drool on the barbecue tongs and have a poor understanding of food hygiene generally. Why are you asking this?
Can I use it to dry my hair?
You probably could get your hair quite dry over a barbecue, but there’s a risk of burns and smoke inhalation, not to mention the huge amount of faff. That said, disposable barbecues are £5 cheaper than the cheapest hairdryer on Amazon, so some f**kwit will have tried it.
Where do I dump my barbecue when I’ve finished with it?
You’d think that the moment you’ve rammed your food down your gullet you’d be free to abandon a smouldering BBQ on a crowded beach, in a busy picnic area or in a litter bin full of paper. But strangely you’re expected to safely put out a fire hazard that is entirely your responsibility.
Why should I bother putting it out?
Good question. You’ve realised that putting a barbecue out properly doesn’t directly benefit you personally. We’d try to explain the Golden Rule and the social contract but that will be hard work. Luckily there’s the much simpler concept of ‘you might go to prison and get bummed’ to deter you.
If I forget the burgers can I use a cow from a field?
No, because the cow belongs to a farmer. There are other issues of practicality and basic standards of decency, but let’s keep it idiot-proof and just say Farmer Giles will be angry. Also it’s unlikely that a £4.50 disposable barbecue will cook a 1,200lb cow, unless you like your steak really rare. And horrific.
Can I use it on a garage forecourt?
If you’re peckish on the way to the beach it’s tempting to whip out the barbie and rustle up a burger while you’re filling up with petrol. But it’s generally better to buy a Twix. Just take our word for that.
London should stay this hot, agrees rest of UK
