The Onion
Weird Cleveland Browns Fan Has No Children On Team
CLEVELAND—Struggling to comprehend why anyone would voluntarily be there without a loved one on the field, sources at Sunday’s Cleveland Browns game expressed confusion over a fan who did not appear to have a child on the team. “Wait…so he just wanted to go to a Browns game?” said a ticket holder who identified himself as quarterback Shedeur Sanders’ father, adding that he genuinely could not imagine any sane adult choosing to sit through three hours of a last-place team sputtering through another doomed season unless they at least had a nephew on the practice squad. “Huh. That’s…that’s, uh, super weird, not gonna lie. He could’ve done literally anything else with his Sunday, and he picked this? I don’t get it. And he’s clapping and cheering and everything. For the Browns. What the hell?” According to reports, confusion gave way to alarm when the fan revealed to another spectator that he was a season ticket holder, suggesting this was not an isolated lapse in judgment but a recurring pattern of deliberate attendance.
The Onion.
What To Know About Trump’s Russia Diesel Deal
In an effort to lower gas prices ahead of the midterm elections, President Trump agreed to temporarily lift sanctions on Russian diesel exports. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the energy deal struck with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Q: What brought the deal about?
A: Trump recently learned that something called “farmers” subsists by drinking diesel, and he knew he had to act.
Q: Won’t this inject much-needed money into the Russian economy to fuel its war machine?
A: No, in fact it will be coming right back to the U.S. in the form of campaign donations.
Q: What is Russia getting in return?
A: Ukraine.
Q: What is diesel for?
A: Diesel is for ruining your car because you weren’t paying attention at the gas station.
Q: Is Russian diesel different from normal diesel?
A: Yes, it has a nutty aftertaste.
Q: Isn’t Russia currently at war with a U.S. ally?
A: Wait a minute… Yeah, you’re right! Huh.
Q: How has Congress responded?
A: Members of both parties have strongly denounced Hasan Piker.
The Onion.
‘Whalefall’ Star Stuns On Red Carpet In 40,000-Gallon Tank
The Onion.
Sydney Sweeney Tells Scooter Braun She Open To Converting To B-List For Him
LOS ANGELES—Stating that it was about time they got serious about their future as a couple, actress Sydney Sweeney reportedly told record executive Scooter Braun Friday that she was open to converting to the B-list for him. “I really want this relationship to work, and if that means skipping the Met Gala for a party sponsored by Revolve, I’m okay with that,” said the 29-year-old Sweeney, who took a deep breath as she revealed to Braun that she had already started consulting with B-list talent managers to begin the process of joining the cast of Dancing With The Stars. “I actually think B-list culture is really beautiful, and if we have kids, I want to raise them in a household with limited star power. I’ve already started waiting in lines at clubs and considering supporting roles to get a sense of what it could be like. If starring in a Netflix rom-com with Chase Stokes will make you and your parents happy, I want to do it. I swear.” At press time, sources confirmed Sweeney had been overheard sounding out “Sweeney—I should be on the list” phonetically.
The Onion.
Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoff’s Execution
WASHINGTON—Calling off the event that some had labeled “controversial,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). “I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for the world to witness how America deals with Democrats,” said Trump, who stated that the incumbent U.S. senator was a “traitor,” a “bad man,” and a “very, very evil guy” for the “heinous act” of winning more than 2.2 million votes in Georgia. “Make no mistake, it’s still happening as planned. Just no livestream. I commend Pete [Hegseth] for wanting to discourage others from opposing me.” Trump went on to say he didn’t realize Ossoff wasn’t paralyzed.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores
If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores.
And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact!
A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.”
The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.”
Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.
Learning Their Lesson: SNL Has Announced Shane Gillis Is Only Welcome To Host Another Five, Six Times Tops
After firing him from their cast for past racist jokes, then inviting him back as a host three times, it looks like after Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue where he compared women wearing exercise clothing to “whores,” SNL has finally learned their lesson: The beloved sketch show has announced Shane Gillis is only welcome to host another five to six times, tops.
Boom. Sorry Shane, but it looks like misogyny has no place on the hallowed SNL stage.
In a post to their official Facebook page, the show announced, “We are aware of the public reaction to guest host Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue. SNL has made the difficult decision to ban Shane Gillis from hosting our show any more than five, six more times, tops. While we believe that everyone deserves an eighth or ninth chance, and there are basically no other funny comedians, actors, or musicians we can think of to host our show, Shane’s comments crossed a line that SNL will only let him cross around a dozen times total.”
Reactions in the post’s comments were mixed, with some saying that the punishment wasn’t harsh enough and that SNL should only welcome him back to host two to three times, whereas some were saying it was too harsh and they should make him a permanent cast member again but just not let him do as much sexist/racist stuff.
Damn. If SNL went this far, you know they were NOT happy about Shane’s “whores” joke. Hats off to SNL for standing up for women like this!
Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend
Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.”
Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.
Talk about awkward!
Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.
Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:
Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.”
Yikes?
While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here.
All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.
Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You
As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.
Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads.
Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at.
Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you.
Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.
Duffel Blog
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
Daily Mash
Six ordinary British failings that would make the French riot
THE French have a lower retirement age and free universities because they’re not afraid to set a shop on fire. They would riot over any one of these British shit sandwiches:
Southern Rail
The disgrace of Southern Rail’s late-running, extortionate service is so monumental that Britain simply cannot confront it. A Frenchman experiencing its knackered rolling stock would head straight to Whitehall with a can of patrol. Thankfully they’ve been deterred from visiting and witnessing our national disgrace by centuries of simmering hostility.
Meal deals
If you’re confused as to why the paprika crisps shelved right next to the sandwiches aren’t included in your lunchtime meal deal, think of our continental neighbours. If they were told the items in their hands were not part of the deal, the till would be through the window in moments and Boots awash with tear gas before ten minutes had passed.
Porn age-verification checks
Erotic imagery is every Frenchman’s God-given right. Every trip to the boulangerie, patisserie or tabac is enlivened by seeing at least five tits. The thought of scanning your face to gaze upon a fanny? Their reflex for writing angry signs would kick in. They’d sooner surrender to the Nazis again than give up easy access to female nudity.
Axing the triple lock
Thanks to organised violence, the French people have kept their retirement age down to 64. And that’s after a lifetime of toiling through four-day weeks with two-hour lunches. Threatening the triple lock would be good for at least one head-of-state decapitation and a fortnight of looting, if our shite high streets had anything they’d want to steal.
Oat milk
Our calling the crap we cook ‘food’ has enraged our Gallic neighbours for decades, but at least it came from solid animal-cruel sources. To make milk, milk which masquerades as being from the cow, from oats? Paris would be in flames before the furiously-discarded disposable coffee cup had hit the cobbles.
Comparative lack of riots
Traditionally, the UK holds riots during the summer. This alone would have French people taking to the street to overturn bins. ‘No riots?’ they would cry, ‘But then how can this be called a functioning democracy? We riot… for the riots!’ Not that you’ll understand, because your entire knowledge of French is ‘Hello, my name is John, thank you.’
Woman conflicted as husband suddenly good in bed
A WIFE is unsure how to feel about her husband, after 15 years of marriage, finally learning how to make her orgasm.
Donna Sheridan, aged 47, had become accustomed a sex life that consisted of eight minutes of breast-based foreplay, three minutes of desultory pumping and finishing the job when husband Ian began snoring 90 seconds later.
She said: “Last night I realised I hadn’t thought about Robert Pattinson during sex once and, even more surprising, I was going to climax while my husband was still conscious.
“Once the post-coital glow had faded and we settled back into our usual routine of me asking if he’d remembered to take the bins out and him going off in a huff to take the bins out, I realised something was very wrong.”
Her suspicions were first raised by his new technique during oral sex, inasmuch as he actually performed it rather than doing a quick digital dip test before climbing atop her to bang away.
Sheridan continued: “I’d be devastated to find out he was having an affair, but how else has he risen from an F to a B plus without warning? If the affair ends without my finding out because I haven’t looked, but he keeps the skills, is that so bad?
“My biggest concern is that he’ll notice my actual orgasm noises are different from the ones he’s been hearing for the last 18 years.”
Europe’s riots: are they good right-wing ones, or deluded leftists who deserve a hard crackdown?
BRITONS are regarding the riots and protests across Europe with confusion, yet to be certain if they are justified populist ones or bad ones by lefties.
Riots and protests in France and major protests in Spain and Portugal could be the good kind, such as Britain enjoyed in 2024 after voters defied the will of the people by not electing Nigel Farage, or misguided socialists who deserve a good shoeing.
In the case of France, which has a history of left-wing protest but also nearly keeps electing a trustworthy fascist xenophobe, investigation is required before full backing or demanding the police be given on-the-spot powers for capital punishment.
Impartial political commentator Denys Finch Hatton, who has a show on GB News, said: “This is indisputably our business, because we go to those countries on holiday.
“As such, we need to know whether burning down Limoges town hall was a justified act of political protest against immigration, or migration, or immigrants on benefits, or the tosspot radical left making unreasonable demands again.
“It began with young people wanting more teachers, which is horribly left, but the sheer level of violence I’m seeing makes me think it could have been taken over by sensible types for respectable causes like annexation by Russia. I can’t be sure.”
Left-winger Hannah Tomlinson said: “I was cheering on the burning cars in Marseille because someone in the crowd had a Palestine flag, but apparently their peaceful protest was hijacked?
“If only they weren’t in masks and I could see their skin colour, I’d know for definite then.”
How to hang out with old friends who are dismayingly teetotal now
MEETING an old pal you haven’t seen in years only to find he’s not only sober, but proud of it? Here’s how the long, long evening will inevitably pan out:
Awkward conversation
The talking used to take care of itself as the pints went down. Now it’s just you on the Stella because he’s moved on as, it seems, has any spark of interest he once held. Nod sagely as he waffles about work, his kids’ educational prospects, and how much better off he is physically and financially now he’s off the booze. Take frequent sips.
Time crawling by
It feels like he’s been detailing how his garden office is set up for hours. How can it only be minutes? Why did you arrange to meet so early? To give you more drinking time. At least three hours lie ahead and it’s only going to get harder. Finally you understand how women feel on dates.
Making a pint last an hour
Not drinking isn’t an option, but nor will getting drunk help. Nothing worse than being hammered while a man who used to party explains how he trained for a charity bike ride. And he’s judging you for every pint, so you’ve got to draw it out. It’s been an hour, you’re only halfway down it and you’re actually getting thirstier.
Try and remember something to tell him
What have you done since 2019? Well, there was… lockdown… you got an air-fryer… Christ, your life can’t be this uneventful. If you were both drunk incidents would be flying out, but now he’s given up the sauce and, coincidentally, become unbearably dull you can’t think of anything he would consider news. ‘We’re thinking of getting solar panels,’ you slur.
Think of excuses to leave
Got work in the morning? No, it’s a Friday night. Feeling ill? He may question why you’re already on your fifth pint. Need to relieve the babysitter? No, you already told him your wife’s looking after the kids in return for a good bottle of Merlot. You can’t think of anything. Maybe another drink will help.
Get dragged for a curry
‘Pubs bore me,’ says the man who’s failed to understand the reason they exist, and so he suggests a curry. And now you’re in an environment where most people are sober it becomes apparent how smashed you are. Beating yourself to death with the poppadum tray will be a long and difficult process but you’re out of options.
Woman laments ‘weird’ crush on successful attractive wealthy comedian James Acaster
A WOMAN is mortified to have to tell everyone she knows that she is attracted to a tall, charming, famous man, it has emerged.
32-year-old Joanna Kramer first saw James Acaster on The Celebrity Traitors two weeks ago and has felt a shameful desire for the wealthy comedian with ice-blue eyes ever since.
Jo explained: “I’m a healthy, single, straight woman, but I feel this weird, inexplicable lust. Where did these twisted feelings for a man with sandy hair come from?
“I lie awake at night tossing and turning, asking myself why? Is there something wrong with me? How can I crush on a man who is pretty good-looking, has had very attractive girlfriends, and is fashionable but slightly awkward? Am I broken?”
Sexologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Our research shows that heterosexual women do, sometimes, feel attraction to men with attributes like fame, a chiselled jaw, wit, money, a stylist, and a position of power in an entertainment programme.
“We don’t completely understand why, yet, but we do know that sufferers feel an uncontrollable urge to bring it up constantly, while also asserting that talking about it is uniquely humiliating.”
Asked if she has any other unconventional crushes, such as Ross Kemp, Joanna said: “Ew no, he’s bald.”
The Poke
People set out to ruin book titles by adding a word, and it’s definitely mission accomplished – 23 to add to the library
A lot of thought goes into naming books, but sometimes there’s a bit of luck involved. The classic Joseph Heller novel Catch-22 was originally going to be Catch-18, but Leon Uris bagged that number with Mila 18 not long before Heller’s book was due to be published, and we now can’t imagine it being anything […]
The Poke.
Elon Musk tried to take the wind out of this ‘flying car’ troll and their A++ comeback went into orbit
You’ll have seen the footage of Elon Musk’s ‘flying car’ – well, sort of – after the internet got hugely excited by the footage of this Tesla doing all sorts of aerobatics. Turns out the future does have flying cars https://t.co/6fexPp6SXI — Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October 16, 2026 We mention it because it prompted this […]
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People love how James Acaster predicted how the Traitors would have to murder someone in plain sight and the conspiracy theories went through the roof
A few days to go until the next episode of Celebrity Traitors so fill just a few moments of that time with this fabulous moment that’s just gone viral on Twitter. It’s the moment James Acaster perfectly predicted how they Traitors would be required to murder someone in plain sight and how they’d have to […]
The Poke.
Someone asked about ‘specific objects’ that make us nostalgic for UK primary schools – 23 people who still have a drawers full of pencil sharpenings
Anyone who recalls the apparatus coming out for an afternoon PE class in the multi-use hall amidst the smell of the school dinner they just ate will know that the primary school flashbacks never leave us. They’ve been discussing these hardwired sense memories on the AskUK page after user Deepfriedcyanid3 posed this question… What specific […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing their ‘small ideas to make the UK better’ – 23 little tweaks that would make a world of difference
When we think about things we’d like to change about Britain, we tend to focus on the big stuff, like ‘finish HS2’ or ‘tackle the worrying rise in right wing extremists marching about in balaclavas’. However, sometimes it’s the small course corrections that make the difference and add up to big changes. Financial expert and […]
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