The Onion
Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’
CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.” “Why waste your time at a freaking snoozefest library when I’m offering no lines to enter the wondrous world of old Barry O. for just 12 bucks a pop,” the bearded, sweaty man said as he ushered tourists onto a dented sprinter van with “PODUS [sic ] Express” emblazoned across its side. “Come on, folks! Over this way. We got hot dogs, games for the kiddies, and a life-sized cutout of Mr. 44 himself with a speaker in the mouth hole to tell you all about his big, important life. Be sure to stop by Shelly’s Corner to learn all about his old lady and how she did a bunch of first lady stuff. Barry’s Magical Experience has over five trailers worth of fun for any American who wants to enjoy the legacy of our great former president without spending an arm and a leg.” Chicago police later confirmed they had apprehended the man after dozens of tourists accused him of abandoning them in an empty lot.
The Onion.
USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga
The Onion.
Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer
A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think?
“Many hunters are naturalists who hold great respect for the women they kill.”
Spencer Dunn, Whirlpool Technician
“That’s why I always make sure to get hunting licenses for both.”
Zane Larson, Margin Adjuster
“He’s going to have a hell of a time explaining why he thought a deer was ahead of him in line at Dunkin’.”
Aaliyah Khan, Scent Curator
The Onion.
Dr. DooDiddle
The Onion.
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d probably be loaded right now,” said Towers, lamenting his decision not to get in on the ground floor of a grain market now worth hundreds of billions of dollars a year. “Rice is everywhere—on restaurant menus, sold by the sack at the grocery store. It’s really taken off over the last 70 centuries. When you factor in how popular things like sushi and paella are today, you have to figure I’d have cleared at least seven figures on short-grain holdings alone. Even being conservative, if I bought a modest share of basmati pre–Bronze Age, I would have more than enough to retire today. I guess hindsight’s twenty-twenty, but who would have guessed rice would ever out-perform sorghum?” At press time, sources confirmed Towers was assuring himself that he would have lost it all in the next 300 years anyway.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
10 Amazing Heavenly Rewards You'll Get When People Persecute You For Jesus
The Bible tells us that when you're a Christian, things can get pretty rough — especially in countries other than the United States. Thankfully, there are some amazing rewards in store for believers who suffer for the Gospel.
To Promote Racial Equity, Nikole Hannah-Jones Abandons Daughter At Crack House
NEW YORK, NY — In a courageous act to promote racial equity in America, New York Times contributor Nikole Hannah-Jones abandoned her young daughter at a well-known crack house.
Republicans Not Sure Why Poll Numbers Dropping Despite Doing So Many Wildly Unpopular Things
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican leaders are reportedly meeting this week to discuss how their polling could be so terrible ahead of the midterms despite doing so many wildly unpopular things.
Proud Wife Informs Husband How Much Money She Made Today Returning Things To Target
DALLAS, TX — Local husband Max Boyer was reportedly welcomed home Tuesday by his wife, Tiffany, who proudly announced that she had earned $184.50 that afternoon by successfully returning items to Target.
Update: 'The Babylon Bee' Now The Only News Outlet Left In America With White House Credentials
Several media outlets have officially walked out of the White House Press Corps in solidarity with CNN, MS NOW, and Politico after President Trump banned them from the premises. Now, The Babylon Bee is in a unique position as the only remaining news outlet with White House credentials.
ClickHole
A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Duffel Blog
Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
Daily Mash
Woman totally into platonic friendship
A WOMAN is thoroughly enjoying a relationship with a man where there is absolutely no chance of them ever having sex.
Lauren Hewitt and Jordan Gardner are always meeting for coffee and hanging out, something she values deeply because there is no pressure on them when sex is completely off the table.
Hewitt said: “I love being friends with Jordan. He’s so funny and cracks me up all the time, so I always seem really happy and interested when I’m with him. But it’s just because he’s funny, obviously.
“You know what’s interesting? My brother always used to make me laugh, so Jordan reminds me of him. I should introduce them. That would be amazing, like having two lovely, protective brothers. Naturally I’ve told Jordan this.
“It’s not just the jokes, he’s a really thoughtful, perceptive guy. He’ll say things like ‘I bet people think we’re going out together’ and when you think about it I suppose they could make that mistake. I love talking about interesting hypothetical situations that could never happen.”
Hewitt has spoken so highly of Gardner that even her current ‘shag buddy’ Jack Browne is eager to meet him.
Browne said: “Lauren even trusts Jordan enough to meet a ‘friend with benefits’ because she knows there’ll be no judgement there. It’s great they’ve got such a close friendship. They’re both so lucky.”
How to react with dignity after your unusual sex request was denied
ASKED for something a bit kinky from your partner and been turned down? Here are some mature ways to react.
Nod thoughtfully
Do not immediately shout, ‘FINE!’ Instead nod slowly, as if they have just delivered a fascinating point at a conference. This makes you appear mature, reasonable and absolutely not like someone who spent three hours researching Japanese bondage ropes online.
Say ‘I just thought I’d ask’
It implies your request was casual. You didn’t spend six weeks working up the courage. You just happened to mention piss play as a way to get more use out of the shower. You might equally have asked if she fancied risotto earlier. Not with asparagus, obviously.
Pretend you’re relieved
‘Actually, I’m glad you said no’ allows you to sound as if you were conducting some sort of psychological experiment and were never particularly committed to 69-ing anyway. If challenged, say: ‘I suppose I wanted to know where your boundaries were.’ You’ll sound like some sort of sophisticated sexual connoisseur, or possibly that twat out of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Never mention it again
Especially not at 2am. And not after numerous glasses of wine. And absolutely not with the opening line: ‘Remember that sex thing you said you’d never do?’ They’ll remember, and oddly the passage of sixth months hasn’t changed their attitude to sexy Toy Story cosplay.
Respect the veto
A rule of bedroom negotiations is that ‘no’ means ‘no’, rather than ‘ask again regularly until they give in’. It’s totally unreasonable of them, but sometimes your partner’s boundaries do not exactly match your imagination. Channel the disappointment into something dignified, like bitterly staring out of the window for 20 minutes convincing yourself your ex would have been up for it.
Do not seek revenge
Your partner has rejected your desire for a spanking over the bins. This does not mean you should retaliate by sarcastically asking if the missionary position is ‘too adventurous now’. Nor should you tell them: ‘I’ll sign you up to be a nun, and not the hot, slutty kind.’
Delete the browser history
You asked, they answered, the relationship survived. But it still makes sense to pretend the idea came from something you happened to see on telly, and you weren’t specifically searching the internet for ‘wife sister threesome’. Delete the browser history and hope this all goes away before the family Christmas shindig.
Five jobs hot people shouldn’t be allowed to do
HOT people may be pleasant to look at, but that does not entitle them to work in any job they like. In fact they’re best banned from these roles:
Dental hygienist
Unless you’re a sicko turned on by the clinical atmosphere of the dentist’s, hotties are wasted in this industry. It’s impossible to feel stirrings in your pants as they subject you to pain in the name of cleanliness, and the spectre of the bill will kill your libido even if they’re a ten. And if you’re still aroused despite all this, how are you supposed to safely recreate this thrilling kink at home?
Driving instructors
Learning to drive requires intense focus, so the last thing you need while hurtling towards a roundabout in first gear is distracting erotic thoughts about the person sat mere inches to your left. In the interests of road safety, the DLVA should require that all driving instructors have acne or are prepared to wear a paper bag over their heads.
Rag-and-bone man
It’s not a very progressive thing to admit, but you expect certain jobs to be filled by a particular type of person. When it comes to tat collectors, toothless old geezers who look a bit like Popeye fit the bill. Hotties like Henry Cavill or Sydney Sweeney rummaging around for scrap would spark more of a backlash than a female James Bond. It just goes against the natural order of things.
Cold callers
You don’t feel bad about slamming the phone down on someone if they’ve got an annoying nasal voice, but hanging up on a cold caller with a sultry purr is nigh on impossible. Their dulcet tones will have you handing over your bank details for any old pyramid scheme and they know it. By law they should only be allowed to use their vocal talents for the more honest profession of phone sex operator.
Masseuse
Getting your knotted muscles manhandled by some ogre is actually better than a stunner running their oiled palms all over your body. With uggos you don’t have to keep your body in check by thinking unsexy thoughts while you’re trying to relax. Hot masseurs can’t reasonably expect your groin to behave when they’re touching you, and it’s outrageous that they’ll charge you more or phone the police if you ask them to finish what they started.
UK to swap Chagos Islands for Piddington
THE UK has drawn up a formal agreement to receive sovereignty over the Chagos Islands in return for giving Mauritius Piddington.
The separatist Oxfordshire village of 350 residents will be handed over to the East African country in exchange for Britain taking sole ownership of Chagos, its military base and its territorial waters.
Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “I hate to admit it, Piddington, but you’ve won. Your secession was a total success.
“No longer will you labour under the yoke of Britain, instead being ruled by the kind, beneficent Mauritian government headed by Navin Rangoolam who has big plans for your village, namely some manner of export centre.
“From now on, asylum seekers landing on British shores will not be your problem. You’ve fixed that with your principled vote you insisted wasn’t in the least racist, a principle you now have ample opportunity to be tested on.
“And the Chagos Islands will remain as British as a Union Jack bowler hat on a bulldog smoking a cigar and drinking a pint. It’s win-win.”
He added: “We’ve sent a team out to secure our border with you as we speak. It will be very, very secure.”
TV review: I want to keep Nigella in a case like a beautiful butterfly
The Great British Bake Off, Channel 4, reviewed by Tom Logan
YES, there have been other effusive reviews of Nigella on Bake Off. But after seeing her captivate viewers with her beauty, wisdom and wit, I have decided she must be mine.
All the ingredients we’ve come to expect – warmth, drama, ambitious creations – were there, but the icing on the cake was Nigella, flitting between contestants like a rare and beautiful butterfly. A butterfly you could own and keep if you subdued it with chloroform, but back to the show.
Nigella was unbelievably wonderful. ‘Cakes that you have to un-mould can be very stressful,’ she said, with the wisdom and humility of Jesus, but better. It was a great start to the new series, filmed in the idyllic grounds of Welford Park, surrounded by quiet country lanes ideal for inconspicuously parking a van.
But despite the praise rightly heaped on Nigella, I feel that no one could ever love her as much as me. Do they know about her passion for pickled vegetables? Or Colman’s mustard? Or double-buttered toast? I doubt it. Although to be honest I think the toast thing might be bollocks and they just put it in because they were running out of ideas.
After the show it was even clearer to me that I must have her. When Nigella told the contestants ‘Don’t let the sugar shout, let it sing’ in a weird, uncomfortable way, I knew this was the woman I wanted to be with forever, kept at the right humidity.
But how will we be together? Her agent has blocked my number. Channel 4 refuses to forward my marriage proposals. I will have to be bold to win her heart. I’ve noticed through my binoculars she sometimes goes for a walk in the woods during breaks in filming, often with Noel Fielding. But he would be easy to kill.
And so that is my entirely normal review of The Great British Bake Off, back in our living rooms and everything fans of the show could have hoped for. Keep up the good work, Nigella. Your glass case is waiting.
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