The Onion
Will Trump Running For Midterm President Help Down-Ballot Republicans?
The Onion.
Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI soundtrack would contain 10,000 songs by Randy Newman. “The music is an essential part of any Grand Theft Auto game, and fans are going to love robbing banks and dodging cop cars while blasting classic pop songs like ‘Short People’ and ‘Political Science,’” said lead developer Caleb Grothoff, claiming that every radio station in the game would be devoted to a different era of Newman’s darkly ironic and heartfelt discography. “Of course, with so much of the licensing budget going to the purchase of his entire catalog, we couldn’t afford any other music for the game’s missions, but we doubt players will care. If gamers aren’t a fan of his music, they don’t need to worry—we had Mr. Newman record hours of phone calls and podcasts, too. For those who want to hear some original audio of Randy Newman’s voice, they’ll be happy to learn we got him to record dialogue for more than 90% of the NPCs in the game.” Grothoff added that his team was also working on a DLC that would replace all the gunshots and car noises with various Newman grunts.
The Onion.
Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Man’s Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had suggested they were. “Yesterday I got this email that was like, ‘Congratulations on your big day! We want to celebrate YOU!’ but when I told the guy at the register who I was, he didn’t even smile,“ said Hunter, adding that the two employees behind the counter just stared at him in silence after he explained that it was his birthday. “I even showed him the email on my phone, thinking he must have forgotten, but he just said, ‘Oh, yeah, I thought we stopped doing that,’ and then went to check with his manager. I thought for sure he was setting up a surprise, but instead he came back out and asked for my order and told me I couldn’t use the free coupon on the premium juices. I dressed up and everything, but they were just in their uniforms like it was a normal day. They didn’t even sing ‘Happy Birthday.’ Maybe they’re just waiting for a bigger party when I go get my birthday cookie from the bakery. After all, they know someone only turns 40 once.” At press time, the Sweetgrass Juicery manager was reportedly deleting all scheduled “Happy Birthday” email promotions.
The Onion.
Late Uncle Remembered As Man Who Had Can Crusher In Garage
The Onion.
Timeline Of President–Press Relations
Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nation’s founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branch’s relationship with the Fourth Estate.
1803
Local busybody Arthur Swipple wanders into the White House and asks Thomas Jefferson what he’s up to.
1850
Press pool can’t remember who is president. Polk, maybe?
1881
A dying James Garfield begs political cartoonists to stop drawing caricatures of his gunshot wound.
1910
Taft becomes the first president to address reporters from the West Wing bathtub.
1974
Woodward and Bernstein’s takedown of Richard Nixon marks the first and last time the press successfully holds the president accountable.
1976
Gerald Ford poses nude in Playgirl.
1980
The White House press pool assures Jimmy Carter they can also see Walter Mondale.
2002
George W. Bush reminded for a third time that the “ps” in press corps is silent.
2018
Assassinated journalist Jamal Khashoggi is posthumously banned from the White House.
2029
Maggie Haberman reveals in a new book that Trump died in office in 2019.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend
Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.”
Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.
Talk about awkward!
Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.
Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:
Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.”
Yikes?
While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here.
All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.
Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You
As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.
Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads.
Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at.
Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you.
Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.
Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights
Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights.
Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special!
Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have!
Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you!
Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works!
Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!
Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’
Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.”
Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment!
This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.
“Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.”
Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic!
Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!
Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program
In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.
It’s about time!
Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time.
Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.”
For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.
Duffel Blog
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke
SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Press scouring Britain for remaining Brexiters
THE UK’s media has announced it will not stop searching until it has found a critical mass of between three and 15 Brexiters angry at plans to reverse it.
The prime minister has dared to suggest that Britain would benefit from closer ties with the EU and, oddly, a nation which just seven years ago had a critical mass of No Deal nutters has not risen up in revolt against him.
Sun journalist Nathan Muir said: “What happened? They can’t all have died. At least seven per cent were relatively young and healthy.
“And it can’t be that they’ve looked rationally at the benefits Brexit has delivered and changed their minds, because these were not rational people. Facts made them angry.
“But we’re trawling areas of high deprivation – Stoke-on-Trent, Lincolnshire, the whole of the North-East – and coming back with nothing. The passion’s gone. The best we’re getting are a few old crocks muttering about not wanting to go through all that again.”
Hannah Tomlinson of Newsnight said: “It’s standard BBC practice to include a couple of raving lunatics for balance and then imply they’re the voice of the people, but where are they? Surely they’ve not all become Reform councillors.
“Unless the whole 2016-2019 period was mass hysteria orchestrated by actors on social media. But no. Believe that, and you’ll start believing Boris Johnson wasn’t real.”
Pope’s rock and roll lifestyle finally catches up with him
POPE Leo has admitted to friends that his cancer diagnosis has been a wake-up call and a warning that he cannot live life in the fast lane forever.
The nodule found in the pontiff’s lung has been variously ascribed to his high-tar cigarette habit, roaring around St Peter’s Square on a Harley to impress girls and decades of knocking back three bottles of altar wine a night.
A Vatican spokesperson said: “His Holiness had always assumed that God had him covered. But clearly he’s been on one incense-fuelled bender too many.
“No amount of dreary sermons or road trips in his weird little car could offset the epic run he’s been on. You haven’t lived until he’s dragged you into some underground Catholic nightclub to snort lines of the sacrament off a nun.
“But as he was saying in conversation with close friends Keith Richards and Johnny Depp yesterday, pray all you like but the body keeps the score. He’s getting old. No matter how much holy water he necks at night he’s hungover until 3pm.
“No more lads’ trips to Our Lady of Lourdes, no more improvising a zipline through the Sistine Chapel, no more four-hour confession sessions detailing truly legendary depravity. From now on he’s limiting big nights to the weekends.”
God said: “I hate to do this, but it’s time for the Pope to bring the party upstairs. We’ve got Ozzy and Keith Moon but without the L-dog it’s a bit of a snooze fest.”
I thought I was on a Tinder date, and now I’m White House press secretary
By Katie Zacharia, who only wanted to have an affair
WHAT the f**k? Why am I at a podium? Who are all these people with microphones and questions? I thought I was on a Tinder date?
It’s so rare to meet a guy with conservative beliefs on the apps instead of all the soy boy liberals, so I was stoked. I sent all my hottest photos. I did the MAGA pout even if I can’t afford the face yet. He told me this was a restaurant.
Then the guy I assumed was the maître d’ hands me a page of notes and shows me to my table, and it’s a podium in front of a bunch of journalists asking questions about the president? And the zinfandel I ordered is nowhere?
Instead of my pre-prepared remarks about my marriage basically being over and my erotic fetish being tech billionaires encouraging the world to slide into fascism – sexy talk – I had to improvise. Gave some blather about Trump rallies being attended by 100 million.
They asked about my law degree, which I’d expected, so I stonewalled about it being from China because they can’t check that, right? Who speaks Chinese except degenerates?
The question about some ambassador I dodged by saying she was brilliant and wonderful and a team player and that’s why she was asked to resign, adapting what I’d planned to say about my husband on the fly. Got away with it.
And I fielded an awkward question about my four kids – tech guys don’t like a used vagina, they always want boxfresh – with meaningless bullshit about how family friendly Trump is, which is true until ICE deports or shoots your dad. Which I approve of. Obviously.
Anyway, I’ve got the job until at least Friday! I asked about sex. Apparently not directly but I do get to f**k over the whole world before it ghosts me. Not bad for a first date.
You’ve had more partners than me, and other reasons why we need an open marriage
TRYING to convince your wife she wants an open marriage? These are the reasons why you f**king around would only make your relationship stronger:
She’s had more partners than you
Four boyfriends? That’s hardly fair. Yes, you’re claiming nine but everyone knows only a body count multiplication factor of four counts as equality between the sexes. ‘The deficit must be corrected,’ you explain, ducking a thrown wine glass. ‘It’s not about sex. It’s about fairness. I’d definitely stop once we’d evened up.’
You’ve become more attractive
While the bloom is off her rose, you’ve improved with age. The grey in your hair gives you an edge of haughty maturity, while compared to your peers you’re not actually that fat. Once word is out you’re available, the knickers of local ladies will fly off with such force that the Met Office will issue a wind warning. It’s actually akin to a public service.
You’re underappreciated at home
She’s barely uttered those little three words ‘I love you’ since you started pestering her about ethical non-monogamy, replacing them with ‘for f**k’s sake’ and ‘not this again.’ She doesn’t get you. But others will see past the dad bod, hairy ears and large collection of cycling clothing to recognise the wild spirit within.
She doesn’t want to do a particular sex thing
You have recently – blame the internet – developed an interest in a niche sexual activity which your wife finds deeply unappealing. Therefore you must be fundamentally incompatible, and your needs must be met by another. You’ve been up all night on Feeld and have several likely candidates. Is it so hard to turn a blind eye?
Your children have stolen your spark
Several times a week you’re left with the children for as long as 90 minutes a go, and it’s left you emasculated and exhausted. The only solution is energetic sex with gorgeous women, which will definitely occur when you slide onto Tinder to delight them with a pic of you holding a pint at a wedding in 2014, captioned ‘just seeing what’s out there’.
I’m 45 with £900,000 in my pension. Should I retire early or did I just want you to know that?
By Ryan Whittaker, who won’t bother explaining his job in finance because you wouldn’t understand it
DUE to my six-figure income and shrewd investments I have close to a million in my pension scheme. Should I give up work, or am I content with showing off in this article?
It’s a real dilemma having this incredible choice which you don’t. You may not even have a pension, or it might be a miserable little stipend that will only pay for pathetic treats like a bottle of Tesco gin or sitting by a hot radiator.
I’d really like to hear the envy in your voice when you give me advice. As a high-achiever I’m worried retirement will leave me without a sense of purpose. Will frequent luxurious and interesting foreign holidays be enough, or should I start a wine cellar?
Or is 45 just too young to retire? I won’t be your typical pensioner because I’m physically healthy, as is my partner. Whereas when you retire at 67 you’ll be decrepit and stuck with an arthritic old hag, with Bourbon biscuits your only consolation.
It’s a tough decision. But having established I’m a big swinging dick when it comes to pensions, I might work a bit longer for some extra retirement luxury to rub in your faces. By choice, not like you slaving away to ensure you’ve enough pension to buy soap.
So thank you for your input. Obviously we haven’t spoken, but I feel much better now I’ve visualised my older, retired self dining at The Ivy and flying to the Maldives while you’re mugged by sneering rat boys as you hobble to a depressing evening at the bingo.
My only concern is whether £900,000 is enough to retire on these days. Of course it is, I’m just finding another way to gloat! Did I mention that I’m mortgage-free too? Suck on that.
The Poke
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