Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel

WASHINGTON—Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email, FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing as FBI director Kash Patel. “First of all, he’s got my face as his profile picture, so that right there gave me a high degree of confidence, because I know what I look like,” said Patel, adding that he was further reassured by the presence of his name in “Kash_Patel@fbi773.cy” and the fact that the sender introduced himself as Patel in his message, which was obviously something only he himself could do. “I wasn’t exactly sure why he urgently wanted $10,000 in Target gift cards, but then again, he runs the FBI, so I assume whatever he’s doing it’s keeping us safe somehow. Besides, I went onto the FBI website, and sure enough, there he was. Once I verified that he was me—I mean, he even signed his email with my name—I sent him my login credentials right away. I just hope I did it in time.” After a major data breach occurred, Patel admitted he might have been hasty but didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to double his penis length in less than 24 hours. The Onion.

FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records

A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBI’s online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think? “What kind of demented people want to know more about Kash Patel?” Joel Craney, Patent Reader “Pray their windbreaker sizes don’t fall into the wrong hands.” Alyssa Estes, Deck Sander “If they can hack the FBI, it’s only a matter of time before they move on to a real government agency.” Calvin Wu, Unemployed The Onion.

Baseball Analysts Call For New Stat Called B.L.E.P.H.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H. “We don’t care what it measures or how it’s calculated—we just need something called B.L.E.P.H., and we need it now,” FanGraphs contributor Derek Gardner said on behalf of the larger baseball analyst community, adding that it was extremely important that B.L.E.P.H. be “complicated as all hell” and require “fuck-tons of math” to measure, and that it should make “complex shit like Pythagorean winning percentage look as simple as counting balls and strikes.” “Seriously, we’re fiending over here. Man cannot live on VORP and BABIP allowed alone. We are desperate for B.L.E.P.H., and someone must give it to us immediately. Maybe it weighs a player’s chase rate against their religion—don’t think there’s a stat for that yet. Whatever the hell it is, it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s an acronym. Maybe it could be something like ‘Baseball Lineup Expected Probability of Hurt’ that tells you how likely it is that someone in the lineup gets hurt? I don’t know. Frankly, that’s for the eggheads to figure out. Our job is to demand B.L.E.P.H.” Gardner went on to confirm that baseball analysts would also accept B.L.E.P.H.−, B.L.E.P.H.+, xB.L.E.P.H., or B.L.E.P.H. above replacement, so long as all four were immediately available in easily sortable rankings on all of the websites they already frequent.  The Onion.

California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state’s standard road test. “Test-takers will be expected to safely merge onto the highway and then successfully weave their getaway vehicle through traffic while being tailed at high speeds by the police,” said California DMV spokesperson William Deiboldt, adding that all driver’s license candidates would need to provide their own stolen car and handgun and demonstrate their ability to load, aim, and shoot accurately enough to get cruisers to back off. “The chase section will require a minimum speed of 120 mph and involves careening over a grassy median at least twice. We’ve found drivers really struggle to complete a 180 while drifting beneath an 18-wheeler in order to reverse direction, but it’s important people master such skills before we issue them a license. If the vehicle is taken out by spike strips, the test-taker may exit the driver’s seat and attempt to outrun police on foot.” Deiboldt went on to state that local news helicopters would no longer be permitted to tail car chases due to the fact that it made too many test-takers nervous. The Onion.

Shy, Bookish Umpire Actually Really Beautiful When He Takes Mask Off

The Onion.

Wife Swoons As Husband Recites Song Of Solomon Verse Comparing Her To A Horse

REDDING, CA — Sources revealed that Georgia Mendlerot was over the moon on Friday after her husband recited a verse from Song of Solomon comparing her to a horse.

10 Ways Trump Made Xi Feel At Home In The White House

Chinese President Xi Jinping visited the White House this week for some good old-fashioned diplomacy, but President Donald Trump wanted to help him feel as comfortable as possible.

Iranian President Caught Using Cardboard Cutout Of Ayatollah To Sneak Into HOV Lane

NEW YORK, NY — As world leaders from around the globe were in the U.S. this week to attend the United Nations General Assembly, the Iranian president was reportedly caught using a cardboard cutout of the Ayatollah to sneak into the HOV lane.

Dad (Man Cold) Listed As Questionable For Sunday

FRANKLIN, TN — Local husband and father Greg Hartley, who came down with a case of the sniffles earlier this week, was officially listed as "questionable" for church attendance (or anything) this coming Sunday.

Trump Says There May Still Be Time To Save Midterm For Republicans By Starting A New War

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address to GOP supporters on Friday, President Donald Trump outlined a bold strategy to rally conservative voters ahead of the upcoming midterm elections by launching a brand-new foreign war.

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos

It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance. When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.  There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.  Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even. An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber. Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter. Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.  All moments of immaculate harmony.  Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.  What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?

Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage

I hear a lot of bullshit.  But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…” “…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.” You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.” Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.  Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust. Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses! So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.

Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit

Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit. Just heartbreaking. Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall. You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you! Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them. Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.

First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight

EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.

Six things empty nest couples have completely forgotten how to do

AFTER an 18-year wait the kids have gone to university, the house is empty, and the two of you are wondering what you used to do with all these hours. Was it this kind of thing?  Sleep through the night Parents of babies expect to have broken sleep. Parents of teenagers get used to some bastard being up at 3am on a video call to their girlfriend while making popcorn. But after two institutionalised decades, the disturbing lack of noise keeps you awake then you can’t sleep after 8am regardless. Occupy free time Years of snatching 20 minutes here and there to read, years of pausing telly every time you’re interrupted, and suddenly there’s nothing. Time smothers you like a velvet blanket and all the activities you used to fill an evening with are done by 9pm. This is why old people devote whole weeks to getting a new shower curtain. They have nothing else to do. Have conversations that aren’t about the kids Your every conversation has been about the children since Tony Blair was prime minister. Now it’s just two of you on a sofa, awkwardly facing forward, trying not to pick up your phones. And end up bringing up the weather and state of the country, as though strangers waiting for a bus. Appreciate silence Once a blizzard of noise, now nobody’s asking where their socks are or if octopuses can be milked for ink. The silence is deafening and disorienting. You hear new creaks and rattles in your knees which were once masked by K-Pop and FIFA. The silence is not appreciated; it’s disturbing. Turn the telly up or have a row. Socialise Your one-time party pals, the friendship flame you’ve kept alive through your child-raising years? Now as unencumbered by progeny as you are? You meet for a proper night out and f**k they’re boring, going on about antique restoration or the unfairness of their pension scheme or lawn scarification. ‘Are we that dull?’ you ask your partner, afraid of the answer. Have sex With children at home sex is usually a passionless, functional affair, perfunctory and silent. Now there’s time for foreplay and exploration if either of you could remember how to get started or why you’d bother and hadn’t parent-locked yourself out of all devices that might teach you. You try, but the only thing that gets f**ked is your back.

We ask you: What else should benefit claimants be arbitrarily banned from buying?

KEMI Badenoch will stop the jobless buying cigarettes, alcohol or gambling with their benefits. What would you snatch out of their grubby hands?  Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “I would ban them from eating cakes, or at least cakes with enough sugar and fat content to taste pleasant. They’re allowed iced fingers or Cuthbert the Caterpillar.” Norman Steele, arcade supervisor: “If you have no income and want to masturbate, you should be forced to monetise it. Do it for our amusement online or not at all.” Donna Sheridan, bird trapper: “It seems short-sighted stopping them gambling. A lot of these people are close to that one big win that will get them off benefits forever.” Helen Archer, lens grinder: “Banning cigarettes but not vaping. Wow. The Tories really are out of touch with the long-term benefits claimant on the Midlands sink estate.” Mary Fisher, art auctioneer: “I see these benefits people on the latest iPhone, toting Birkin bags, driving their Rolls-Royces. So I would ban them from buying iPhones, Birkin bags and Rolls-Royces.”

City allowed to keep the League Cups

My school run doesn’t have a clique of Yummy Mummies at the gates, because I’m in Warrington

By Hannah Tomlinson, aged 38, who was ready and willing to have an affair with one of the hot dads I WAS all ready for the school run. Miu Miu coat. Mulberry bag. Devastating list of my children’s achievements. Then nothing happened, because I’m in Warrington.  I joined the throng around the gates, waiting for our children to depart and for a wave of competitive boasting to begin. Would we be aggressively comparing our husband’s jobs? Our Etsy stores? Houses, cars, holidays? As it turned out, none of them.  No, when our little ones wandered in, the other mothers turned around and silently departed. I was left there, chai latte in hand, mouth agape, with nobody to tell about the triathlon I’m doing in May.  I tried again the next day. ‘Can anyone hook me up with a private tutor?’ I asked. ‘Isabella’s struggling with her Spanish.’ Blank looks. ‘They’ve got teachers at the school,’ one drab mother who can’t have spent even an hour on her hair muttered.  Okay, so this crowd isn’t aspirational! Though still managing to ostracise me, I noted, impressed. 3pm was no different. I announced my intention to organise a fundraising gala to shrugs. Where was these mothers’ combative spirit?  My husband’s bonus? Nothing. Our plans to build a basement swimming pool and home cinema? Nothing. Our half-term trip to the opening gala for Santander’s new art museum? Either they’re hiding it very well or they actually weren’t jealous.  I told my husband it was a mistake to move here. In anywhere civilised I’d already be at war with the ruling clique after they shut me out of the PTA for having the wrong kind of Cockapoo. We’re moving back to Islington. 

Six bribes from world leaders to Trump now the bar’s been set at ‘two pandas’

CHINA’S Xi Jinping has stunned rivals by bribing Trump with two adult panda bears. How are other world leaders going to beat that? Anthony Albanese, Australia You can’t top Oz when it comes to exotic animals, mate. We’ll give him a numbat, a duck-billed platypus, a Tasmanian devil, a breeding population of chlamydia-infected koalas, a couple of cassowaries, a dropbear and a genuine boxing kangaroo that hops around and beats shit out of people. All on the condition he leaves us the f**k alone. Vladimir Putin, Russia F**k animals. I will give him what any dictator truly craves: territory. Ukraine is part of Russia obviously, nobody disputes that, but once it has been reunited with the motherland my forces will march on and when we conquer the EU we shall award him whichever countries he should choose. We just need to get past this bit we’re stuck in. Any day now. Kim Jong-un, North Korea From one lonely leader to another, I shall give the gift of friendship. Understanding. The empathy of another man who has hit the peak, who has climbed higher than lesser men ever could, and still craves the world’s respect. We will hold hands. Lee Jae Myung, South Korea Typically cheap gift. If what Trump truly desires is exotic pets, we shall give him the most exotic of all: his own K-pop band. Called QEEDTH, they will comprise four boys and five girls raised in complete isolation from all human contact, trained to perform sterile hip hop in a foreign language and never to make eye contact. Andy Burnham, UK Britain doesn’t have any exotic animals because it is at heart a deeply boring country. But we do have music, so I’ve given him Adele, Morrissey, Robbie Williams, Ian Astbury and Matthew Murphy, lead singer of The Wombats. Hopefully he won’t realise they all already live in LA so I’ve put a big shiny ribbon on f**k all. Javier Milei, Argentina I give him penguins – Gentoo, Magellanic, Rockhopper and King varieties – the steamer duck, the Cobb’s wren, and many, many sheep. And I also give him the territory these animals live upon, Las Malvinas or as you call it, the Falkland Islands. Try getting that back off him, Britain.

This groundbreaking NBC News report about how to keep your food fresh prompted all the mockery it deserved – 15 ice cold clapbacks

Listen, we get it. We’re all tired of getting bombarded by bad news every time we unlock our phones. Doom scrolling is real and it is debilitating. That being said, the news can’t just post a crap story like this and expect to get away with it. Keeping your fridge and freezer closed is the […] The Poke.

Whoever did this to Zia Yusuf over at GMB when he repeatedly refused to answer the question, give yourself a pay rise!

To the studios of Good Morning Britain now, where entirely unelected Reform UK-er Zia Yusuf was less than keen to talk about his tweet from a little while back that saw him accused of ‘straightforward racism’. Just in case you need a reminder … Unfortunately for Yusuf, presenters Kate Garraway and Ranvir Singh were rather […] The Poke.

Trump tried out his Joe Biden autopen joke on President Xi and the fake laughter didn’t require a translator

Perhaps the worst element of Donald Trump’s “jokes” are that he repeats them every time he leaves the house. Or in this case, when he gives a tour of his house. The President rolled out the red carpet, literally, for Xi Jinping, hosting the President of the People’s Republic of China for the White House […] The Poke.

This Daniel Thomas supporter made an unfortunate schoolboy error and the more we watch the funnier it gets

You’ll know about Daniel Thomas – or Danny Tommo to the hard of thinking – the far-right activist who’s been charged over the alleged slashing of a dinghy in the English Channel. Thomas pleaded not guilty to criminal damage, and also not guilty to a separate charge of failing to dispose his PIN to his […] The Poke.

Who is your biggest “I knew them in high school”? – 17 people who had incredibly famous classmates

It’s easy to lose track of classmates after school. Lives go in different directions and your priorities change. That’s unless your old classmate becomes so famous it’s impossible to avoid them. Reddit user CelesteFan234 wanted to hear about people who shared a class with future A-listers, so they put the following question to r/AskReddit: ‘Who […] The Poke.