The Onion
Will Trump Running For Midterm President Help Down-Ballot Republicans?
The Onion.
Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI soundtrack would contain 10,000 songs by Randy Newman. “The music is an essential part of any Grand Theft Auto game, and fans are going to love robbing banks and dodging cop cars while blasting classic pop songs like ‘Short People’ and ‘Political Science,’” said lead developer Caleb Grothoff, claiming that every radio station in the game would be devoted to a different era of Newman’s darkly ironic and heartfelt discography. “Of course, with so much of the licensing budget going to the purchase of his entire catalog, we couldn’t afford any other music for the game’s missions, but we doubt players will care. If gamers aren’t a fan of his music, they don’t need to worry—we had Mr. Newman record hours of phone calls and podcasts, too. For those who want to hear some original audio of Randy Newman’s voice, they’ll be happy to learn we got him to record dialogue for more than 90% of the NPCs in the game.” Grothoff added that his team was also working on a DLC that would replace all the gunshots and car noises with various Newman grunts.
The Onion.
Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Man’s Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had suggested they were. “Yesterday I got this email that was like, ‘Congratulations on your big day! We want to celebrate YOU!’ but when I told the guy at the register who I was, he didn’t even smile,“ said Hunter, adding that the two employees behind the counter just stared at him in silence after he explained that it was his birthday. “I even showed him the email on my phone, thinking he must have forgotten, but he just said, ‘Oh, yeah, I thought we stopped doing that,’ and then went to check with his manager. I thought for sure he was setting up a surprise, but instead he came back out and asked for my order and told me I couldn’t use the free coupon on the premium juices. I dressed up and everything, but they were just in their uniforms like it was a normal day. They didn’t even sing ‘Happy Birthday.’ Maybe they’re just waiting for a bigger party when I go get my birthday cookie from the bakery. After all, they know someone only turns 40 once.” At press time, the Sweetgrass Juicery manager was reportedly deleting all scheduled “Happy Birthday” email promotions.
The Onion.
Late Uncle Remembered As Man Who Had Can Crusher In Garage
The Onion.
Timeline Of President–Press Relations
Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nation’s founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branch’s relationship with the Fourth Estate.
1803
Local busybody Arthur Swipple wanders into the White House and asks Thomas Jefferson what he’s up to.
1850
Press pool can’t remember who is president. Polk, maybe?
1881
A dying James Garfield begs political cartoonists to stop drawing caricatures of his gunshot wound.
1910
Taft becomes the first president to address reporters from the West Wing bathtub.
1974
Woodward and Bernstein’s takedown of Richard Nixon marks the first and last time the press successfully holds the president accountable.
1976
Gerald Ford poses nude in Playgirl.
1980
The White House press pool assures Jimmy Carter they can also see Walter Mondale.
2002
George W. Bush reminded for a third time that the “ps” in press corps is silent.
2018
Assassinated journalist Jamal Khashoggi is posthumously banned from the White House.
2029
Maggie Haberman reveals in a new book that Trump died in office in 2019.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend
Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.”
Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.
Talk about awkward!
Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.
Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:
Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.”
Yikes?
While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here.
All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.
Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You
As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.
Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads.
Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at.
Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you.
Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.
Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights
Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights.
Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special!
Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have!
Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you!
Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works!
Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!
Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’
Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.”
Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment!
This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.
“Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.”
Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic!
Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!
Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program
In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.
It’s about time!
Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time.
Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.”
For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.
Duffel Blog
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke
SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.
Daily Mash
Attending Raith Rovers exorcism ‘exactly what a prime minister should be doing’
What to do when militant leftists infest your south-facing garden
HELLO there, and first an issue many of you are facing this autumn: militant pro-Palestine leftists. They’ve infiltrated the Greens and it could be your garden next.
You have to watch out for these insidious little devils, because let them run rampant and soon your whole lawn will be a toxic morass of anti-Semitism. One garden I know had to hire a Starmer to clean them out, which is unpleasant and expensive.
To begin with, keep a close eye on your grassroots. It might seem like an area you can leave to fend for itself but they will creep in there, often due to online co-ordination, and before you know it they’re overrun.
Look out for the key signs: not just the flags but an unhealthy focus on UN resolutions and boycotts. Harmless initially but soon you won’t even be able to silently repot in your greenhouse without being accused of complicity in genocide.
Now, they will disguise themselves under names like Youth Liberation and Activists for Peace. Don’t be fooled. Test them out for a monomaniacal focus on one specific issue which entwines around everything else, I can’t tell you how common that is.
You’re sympathetic to their cause? Oh we all are. That’s how they get in. But let that sympathy blossom and soon your herbaceous borders are taking difficult-to-defend positions on NATO expansionism and your parrotia persica’s on Russia Today.
So watch for the signs, root it out and don’t worry about them calling you a tool of the Zionist bloc. Though in your case, Mr Polanski, it’s got right into your public perceptions. You might have to leave it fallow for a season or two.
Seven rules of the box office Tom Cruise must never break or disaster will follow
EVER-RELIABLE box office draw Tom Cruise has made a frighteningly expensive flop with recent film Digger because he broke his own Tom Cruise rules:
Don’t get clever
The most complex storytelling we want from a Tom Cruise movie is the bit where he explains how to break into the thing to get the other thing. Digger features genre shifts and a metanarrative. If his audience wanted their brains to hurt, they’d read a book.
Stick to sci-fi, action or sci-fi action
Do we want to see Tom as an amoral hitman? F**king around in a mask at sex parties? No. He should be punching criminals, killing aliens or operating a cool computer with holograms instead of keys. Ignore that if your PC worked like that you’d be knackered after every Facebook post.
Tom must win
Tom always wins, and in a way that makes the audience happy. Valkyrie wasn’t brilliantly received because those watching it wanted von Stauffenberg to succeed in killing Hitler and win the heart of Eva Braun. They could change the history books if it needs to be a true story,
He should not have a personal life
Tom messed up with his bizarre Oprah couch jump, making it tough not to be distracted in dull moments by stray thoughts like: ‘I wonder what Nicole Kidman really knows about Xenu?’ To prevent further damage to the Tom we know and love he should put in an induced coma between films.
Running must feature
It’s become a joke, but we still want to see Tom running as fast as his little legs will carry him. We don’t pay £10 for the reliable Cruise brand and come away from the cinema feeling disappointed and cheated. We’ve got Ridley Scott movies for that.
He should learn his limits
Tom’s two acting skills are a winning smile and a surprised face with his mouth open, and that’s fine. You don’t need to be Christopher Walken to twat an alien with a pneumatic fist. When he overreaches it turns out badly. It’s impossible to watch Far and Away without coming out hating the Irish for what he did to their accents.
Tom must be the good guy
Tom has played a handful of bad guys, including a vampire, an assassin and a Hollywood producer, and his character in Digger is not a traditional Cruise hero. Audiences hate this. Tom must to stick to playing good guys who are unquestionably on the right side, such as members of the US military.
We tried spending absolutely shitloads for a year, and we’ve never been happier
By Joseph and Kate Turner of Nottingham
AS a couple, we wondered if there could be something more to our hollow lives. So we tried buying everything we wanted all the time, and it’s been brilliant.
We were inspired by a friend of ours, who spent a full year without spending anything and was always boasting of how blissful it was while reeking of cheap Jojoba shampoo from the cash-and-carry. What if she’s wrong? we thought.
So, on October 12th last year, we began our bold experiment. We vowed we would buy whatever we wanted, no matter how impulsive or wasteful. We would give in to any consumerist impulse. And 12 months later our house is just teeming with stuff.
Designer clothes, pizza ovens, gaming laptops – we bought it all. We bought furniture we don’t have room for. I paid £2,500 for a ride-on mower even though we only have a small back garden and it’s paved. But you know what? It makes me happy to see it sit there gleaming.
Nights out? We’ve seen opera at Covent Garden, shows in the West End, Bruno Mars at Wembley Stadium and a man swallowing eels for money in the back room of a Dagenham pub. And every single one of them was better than a night in playing Uno.
We can barely get around our own home, so full is it of Linn hi-fi equipment, Stöckli skis, Scubapro oxygen tanks and discarded Louboutins. And it feels bloody great. So what if we never use it? It’s still ours and you’re jealous.
How did we afford it? Well, I had a small bequest from an aunt, we refinanced the house and we sold anything that bored us. You’ll be amazed how much you can get for an in-box Omega Speedmaster Moonwatch Professional you didn’t like the colour of.
So if you’ve ever wondered ‘Am I spending enough? Do I really want all these things? Is it just marketing?’ the answers are no, yes, and no respectively.
Now if you’ll forgive me, I’ve got a £2,500 Givenchy mohair blazer to try on, say ‘nah’ and discard carelessly onto an Eames chair. What heaven it is to be alive.
Man unable to answer Only Connect questions because Victoria Coren is on screen
A QUIZ-LOVING man watching BBC Two’s Only Connect was unable to answer any questions not because they were difficult, but because of Victoria Coren.
Tom Logan, aged 38, who refuses to use the presenter’s married surname, is normally an impressive performer in quizzes but when faced with her bosomy loveliness was unable to reliably recall his own name.
He said: “The questions are admittedly very difficult, but that does at least provide me with cover when my wife notices I’m staring stupefied, mouth agape, at the screen.
“The truth is I’m not trying to link Alan Shearer, a bishop’s hat and nitrogen but thinking about boobs like an infant. Also she is very clever and has an alluring laugh.
“It’s not all physical, though. She’s got that schoolteacher tone that means I want to be punished for not knowing anything. She’s also won half a million Euros playing poker, twice, which would be useful in a partner.
“I’ve started watching with a little notebook to help me. So far, it contains the words ‘prime numbers’ middle names’, ‘Roman roads’ and ‘those librarian glasses’ followed by a number of drawings I’m not proud of.
“Maybe the questions aren’t hard, it’s just that I am so there’s no blood in my brain. Is that the point of this quiz? To hammer home that mind-body separation is a myth? I’d go on it, but all I’d do is stare for 30 minutes. It must have happened before.”
He added: “Countdown? I get the conundrum every time. Rachel Riley’s not really my type.”
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