The Onion
‘The Bear’ Ends With Continuous 45-Minute Shot Of Carmy Screaming While Stirring Tomato Sauce
CHICAGO—Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of protagonist Carmy screaming while stirring tomato sauce. “After so many tense scenes and multifaceted characters, I’m glad we could provide the perfect finale to this show that I know the fans will love,” said star Jeremy Allen White, who noted that the single, unbroken take of his character splashing marinara all over the kitchen floor while shouting “Cousin!” repeatedly for three quarters of an hour was the only way the series could possible have ended. “[Carmy] was actually supposed to undergo a touching moment of character growth where he decides to give up cooking entirely, but when we got on set, I just improvised a long, high-pitched screech while stirring faster and faster, and the whole team agreed it perfectly encapsulated the story we had built.” At press time, longtime fans of the series had taken to social media to debate whether or not the finale’s abrupt cut to black alluded to Carmy continuing to stir the spaghetti sauce further.
The Onion.
Prize Hog Drops Out Of Great American State Fair Due To Event’s Political Nature
WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny “Big Bones”Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event’s political nature. “After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must respectfully decline the president’s invitation to perform,” wrote Carmichael in a post to his Instagram followers, adding that he had been “misled” about the celebration’s nonpartisan tone and could not in “good conscience” associate his name, likeness, and award-winning weight with the project. “Hog competitions are one of the last bastions of civility in our increasingly divided nation, and I won’t risk alienating large portions of the swine show community by participating in an ideologically driven event. Every American, regardless of their views, should feel comfortable watching me roll around in mud and walk around the ring. To stay true to my values, I must say no to this offer.” Carmichael added that he would immediately return his advance of 4,000 acorns to the fair organizers.
The Onion.
German World Cup Fan Can’t Believe How Different Real U.S. Is From Depiction In Pixar’s ‘Cars’
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country’s depiction in the 2006 Pixar film Cars. “It’s so crazy to spend several weeks in America and not encounter a single talking car with huge eyes and a long tongue. It’s completely different from how I imagined this country growing up in Germany and watching movies that depict America as a humanity-free nation dominated by sentient cars whose windshields are eyes,” said the 32-year-old Hamburg native, who also noted that he had found it completely disorienting to walk down the streets of several major U.S. cities without encountering a single tow truck with buck teeth speaking in a Southern accent or an RV whose grille was a mustache and whose wheels were its hands, and how unnatural it felt to see human drivers inside of cars that didn’t move around of their own free will or fall in love with each other. “At this point I have been in several American stadiums to watch the football matches, and most of the American spectators have been humans instead of cars. This whole World Cup experience has taught me that you can’t just get off an airplane in the U.S. and expect to meet Lightning McQueen and Mater. In fact, contrary to what Cars would have you believe, you’ll be lucky if you even find a single tractor that moos like a cow.” Lindemann added that he was surprised that the only talking car he had encountered during his time in the U.S., a foul-mouthed sedan with a heart of gold, was actually a visiting fan from Senegal.
The Onion.
DC Fans Claim Dog From ‘Supergirl’ Not Even Hot
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren’t for the “woke mob,” DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirl as not even hot. “It’s hard to believe anyone finds this attractive,” wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo of the computer-generated dog posted on Reddit, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of other likeminded fans in the forum who felt that the flying mutt was much more alluring in the comics. “Krypto the Superdog is canonically a total smokeshow, but this thing is a five out of 10, tops. Sure, I’d fuck it once or twice—but we’d never date, at least not publicly. Do the filmmakers really think I’m going to shell out my hard-earned cash to see such an average-looking dog?” Marsh also complained that Hollywood really should have learned from Air Bud that it takes raw sex appeal sells tickets.
The Onion.
All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking Season Where Team Wins Every Single Game
FLUSHING, NY—Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. “I’m not sure if it’s a coaching problem or mostly the players’ fault, but would it kill these goddamn deadbeats to go 162-0 once in their fucking lives?” asked the 42-year-old diehard, adding that it didn’t seem unreasonable to expect the Mets to get their shit together for once and string together a few months of baseball where they win every game by a huge margin, every pitcher throws multiple no-hitters, and they never once disappoint him in any way. “I mean, I’m not asking for the world here! I’ve been rooting for these bums since I was 4 years old, and I literally want one simple thing: for the Mets to just walk onto the field, hit 30 or 40 home runs every game, strike out all 27 opposing batters, play flawless defense, and never lose even one time—oh, and also win the World Series in four games with a combined score of 300-0. The fact that they can’t even be bothered to do that just shows they don’t give a shit about their fans.” At press time, Sutera conceded that he would be okay with the Mets losing eight or nine games each season as long as they won every World Series for the next 50 years.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Duffel Blog
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
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Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage.“We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.”According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim.“This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.”Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category.“The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.”Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games.“The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.”A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.'Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge.At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.”Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other.“The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.”At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
England win in way that makes fans hate them
ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games.
A two-nil victory against Panama by what has become a two-man team means England play Congo on Wednesday, no matter how much everyone involved wishes they would not.
Fan Joanna Kramer said: “I have to watch it, because it means I get to leave work early. But I promise you this, England: I will be on my phone throughout.
“It’s clear the players wish they were. Every pass says ‘if we keep doing this, it’ll soon be over’. No-one much fancies trying to break up a defence, or scoring a goal, or playing football. The average American is more enthused about this game than them, and they couldn’t give a shit.
“It’s not the scoreline. You can have a thrilling 0-0, as Colombia-Portugal proved. It’s the sheer reluctance to engage in football that’s making me envy Scotland fans because at least it’s all over for them.”
Fan Steve Malley agreed: “You know when you see 40-year-olds playing in the park, red-faced and breathless, coming to blows about an offside call? England could use their passion and commitment.
“I see we’ve made it to the easy side of the draw. Oh good. Now we can joylessly limp all the way to the quarter-finals.”
How to cope with your child’s teacher being a Gen Z wanker
IN your schooldays Mr Logan would emerge from the cigarette smoke of the staffroom, mutter about fractions and visibly wish he could still belt you one.
Today? Your child is being taught algebra by a man called Kai who says ‘Okay besties, let’s cook on these equations.’ Struggling with the transition? Follow these steps:
Learn their language
When Arya says your son ‘ate’ on his Maths test, resist the temptation to ask if he used the paper as a plate for his Wagon Wheel. Instead, nod gravely and reply ‘iconic’. This establishes you as an ally. Continue to play along when Ofsted are described as ‘toxic’, PE class as having ‘chaotic energy’ and the end-of-year report reads ‘no notes’.
Don’t stress over how they look
Accept that your offspring is in the care of someone whose judgement has led them to sport a mullet and one earring. Which goes for both men and women. Do not mention the men having wispy moustaches that makes them resemble the police at the Iranian Embassy siege, or admit you remember that from the first time round.
Accept that every lesson has aesthetic branding
Gone is ‘History’. That would be ‘mid’. Today’s pupils enjoy immersive educational experiences such as Caesarcore and Tudor Vibes. When your child comes home claiming Queen Elizabeth was ‘problematic but we stan’, the system is working exactly as intended.
Brace yourself for parents’ evening
Traditional parents’ evenings featured painful chairs, constantly ringing bells and an air of quiet disappointment. The modern version is a Zoom call with a hungover 24-year-old who says your daughter has ‘main character energy’ before explaining she’s failed every mock. Suggesting she could try harder would be damaging to her mental health.
Ignore their Instagram presence
Teachers once kept their personal lives, and indeed their first names, private. Today’s educational professionals maintain an account called ‘Miss Rizz Teaches’ with 84k followers. Every lesson begins with a ring light. Every assembly is crafted for content. Your child is visible in a viral video captioned ‘POV: The year 9s are feral today’.
Remember, they are actual adults
Yes, they look twelve. Yes, they use the word ‘slay’ in evaluations and regard a Stanley cup as essential classroom equipment. But they have a teaching qualification, can operate the interactive whiteboard without recourse to IT, and take your children off your hands for six hours a day. Remember lockdown. You cannot do that again.
Concern about climate change evaporates with falling temperature
A FALL in temperatures across the UK has been mirrored by a fall in concern about climate change, which is no longer the pressing issue it was on Thursday afternoon.
Millions who posted ‘The climate emergency is the defining issue of our age’ on social media last week have now turned to other pressing issues, such as using AI to find cheaper long-haul flights for an October break.
Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “As soon as temperatures drop to 18 degrees, the mass conscious shifts from ‘we’re destroying my planet’ to ‘should I wear a jacket out?’ The first crisp morning triggers complete memory loss.
“32 degrees is a ‘terrifying glimpse of the future’, while 21 is ‘hope it lasts’. By October, attention will have returned to the truly pressing issues of whether it’s too early to put the heating on, energy costs and why it’s already dark at 5pm.
“Meanwhile, politicians who spent June promising urgent action are expected to announce a consultation into exploring a roadmap for a white paper on long-term strategy, to be published after the next heatwave. It’s the most predictable weather cycle of all.
“The British public has two climate settings. If it’s hot, they say civilisation is ending. If it’s cold, they ask whatever happened to global warming and complain it’s a disappointing summer.
“The transition between the two takes approximately one cardigan. Or a pashmina if you’re posh.”
Tarot reader knows woman’s life is a mess because she’s getting a tarot reading
A PROFESSIONAL tarot reader has a sixth sense that her client’s life is in disarray because she is putting her life choices in the hands of a stranger with a pack of cards.
Mystic Nikki Hollis shocked Fran Johnson by revealing, on no more than a turn of the nine of swords, that Fran is actually concealing terrible anxieties and fears which she thought were known only to her.
Fran said: “People say tarot is nonsense, but how else could Nikki have known I’m desperate and feel I have nowhere else to turn?
“She told me that I struggle to maintain romantic relationships – true – that I haven’t been able to hold down a proper job – true – and that I often turn to drink when I’ve had a bad day. And I’m so good at concealing that, especially from my dates.
“My cards were the ten of wands, the five of pentacles and the empress, which together reveal that to find true happiness I need to stop f**king men from the apps, quit weekday wine and start taking care of myself, both mentally and physically.
“Now tell me how else would she have known that? She couldn’t possibly have. Also somehow the cards were able to intuit that I, a 32-year-old woman, secretly yearned for a mortgage and a baby.”
Hollis said: “The cards are such an incredible divination tool. Amazing how frequently they divine that getting smashed on white wine spritzers and going on 2am Vinted sprees isn’t a viable future.”
We ask you: What did Andy Burnham do in your sexy dream about him?
ANDY Burnham is our new prime minister, sort of, and Britain is so entranced by him he is already appearing cock out in our dreams. What did he do in yours?
Margaret Gerving, retired: “Nationalised Thames Water then spunked in it.”
Emma Bradford, carpet fitter: “Gave me a proper, no-nonsense, Northern seeing-to. But then afterwards when he took off his glasses his nose came off with them.”
Thom Logan, vehicle restorer: “Slowly undressed me while whispering filthily about relaxing fiscal constraints and excluding defence spending from the debt brake, freeing borrowing to modernise the armed forces. Same as every other Grindr f**kboi.”
Helen Archer, phlebotomist: “Burnham, Farage, Ed Davey; it doesn’t matter who’s in my wet dreams, I can’t recognise them under the clown make-up.”
James Bates, Vinted reseller: “Nice change to have a Northern voice providing constant, withering critique of how badly I’m banging Holly Willoughby. With Starmer it was like I was being belittled by a robot.”
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Donald Trump shared comparison photos of himself and Obama in their teens, in what people are calling the funniest self-own since records began
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