The Onion
Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term
This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months.
Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court hearing hosted in Fortnite.
Mail-In Voting: States have petitioned the high court on mail-in voting concerns, citing evidence that citizens risk electing candidates who will best represent them.
Denis v. Cook County v. Wilmore : After years of stagnation, the Supreme Court is trying to mix things up by inviting a third party into a case.
Grand v. City of University Heights : The court will decide whether the First Amendment’s chilling-effect doctrine survives a land-use procedural rule when—you’re following us so far, right?
God v. Hernandez : The court will question whether the Almighty’s paralyzing of Hernandez in a car accident for the sin of sports gambling exceeds his heavenly jurisdiction.
The Justices’ Choice Award: The Supreme Court will convene later this month to answer the most important question of the term: Who will receive the Golden Gavel?
Jimmy v. Mrs. Walker : The court will decide if a person can receive detention for loudly saying “boob” during independent reading time when they were sounding out the word “boob” in their assigned reading.
Bats Cute v. Bats Gross : Are bats cute little buddies or terrifying blood-sucking vermin? One position will finally become law.
Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization : The conservative justices had so much fun overturning Roe v. Wade that they’ve decided to do it again!
The Onion.
Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward
SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjoy your free cake pop without having to worry you’ll get stuck in line with a dozen rowdy teenagers ordering Trenta Energy Refreshers and whispering about your outfit,” said spokesman Tim Freedly, who added that all baristas working the teen-free hours would be at least 20 years old in order to accommodate customers apprehensive about being judged. “We know your sad little birthday treat is the highlight of your day, and we want to honor that by ensuring you won’t be dunked on by high schoolers who think you’re lame. We’ll be offering a pared-down menu during this time so you can get in and out without feeling like everyone’s judging you for taking too long to decide what to order.” At press time, the company confirmed plans to expand teen-free hours after immediate positive feedback from both patrons and employees.
The Onion.
Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts
HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. “I’m really annoyed that we’re having this conversation again when I’ve already told him I’m not interested, but I suppose it is kind of fascinating that less than 5% of mammals are monogamous,” said Figueroa, adding that she was impressed by how many facts about animal mating habits her husband of nine years had managed to work into his argument. “Once I stopped crying, I realized it’s actually pretty cool that female beluga whales choose to have sex with lots of males. You know, bonobos have sex with, like, their entire troop, and hyenas are highly matriarchal, which I think is empowering. Maybe I’ll tap into my inner hyena and start fucking my personal trainer.” At press time, Marcus Figueroa had reportedly called for a pause on seeing other people after he became concerned things were moving too quickly.
The Onion.
All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over
I’ve never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was—they couldn’t get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate old grudges, and while this might ding my Wahhabi bona fides a little, I gotta say it: You Americans have really won me over.
Now this probably won’t come as any surprise, but I was pretty ticked off at you guys back in the day. I don’t just do 9/11 to every jerk who cuts me off in traffic. But it occurred to me recently that as mad as I was at the United States about things like Israel and global imperialism and those Navy Seals shooting at me and my family in Abbottabad, there was still so much I just didn’t know about America. So I decided to take a look, and let me tell you, I love what I found!
That barbecue you’ve got, for instance—not exactly halal, but damned if the stuff doesn’t hit the spot with some mac and cheese and a root beer. I can tell you for a fact that if any of the 19 hijackers had tried the ribs I had last week, they’d have thrown their box cutters in the trash and booked a direct flight to Memphis. And at the risk of saying something more controversial than my support for establishing a Pan-Islamist caliphate, I actually think Skyline Chili is pretty fantastic. I’ve eaten so much of that stuff I had to get another camo jacket two sizes up.
Allah knows I can’t stay angry at the country that makes Cherry Garcia!
You’ve definitely brought me around on American television, too. The old Osama would have written it off as vapid Western decadence promoting anti-Sharia values, but now that I’ve given it a chance, I’m on my fifth American Dad! rewatch, and I legitimately think the writing from season three on is as good as anything in the Quran. To think I almost killed Seth MacFarlane! Big 90 Day Fiancé guy, too. And speaking of great stuff, whew, NASCAR! I keep telling my Saudi pals who bankrolled 9/11 that they’ve gotta do some kind of LIV Golf thing with stock car racing.
Also, have Hall and Oates been American this whole time? I don’t know why I thought they were British, but “Rich Girl” has been my jam since the Soviet-Afghan War. I pretty much had it on loop in Tora Bora. Really kills me that those guys hate each other now. And the stuff Taylor Swift is putting out these days, man! I don’t think there’s ever been a better concert than the Eras Tour. She’s a generational talent, and kafir or not, her winding up with Travis Kelce feels like a real-life fairy tale.
Fatwas be damned, a guy can’t help but root for that.
I know there are still some skeptics in al-Qaeda, but if watching Simone Biles’ floor routine from the 2024 Olympics doesn’t make you at least America-curious, there’s something broken in you. C’mon. American sports are cool! The American flag is cool! Fuckin’ bald eagles, fireworks, even those Black Hawk helicopters you sent to kill me—they’re all cool as hell. Maybe not my place to say it, but the new World Trade Center’s beautiful, by the way. You always could turn lemons into lemonade, and that can-do resilience is just another thing I admire about you guys.
So anyway, happy birthday you crazy infidel bastards! Your charm offensive succeeded where the global war on terrorism never could. And if you ever need somebody to fly a 767 into the Shanghai Tower, you just give your old buddy Osama a call. We’re good now, you and me.
Osama bin Muhammad bin ʿAwad bin Laden founded the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda and authorized the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. He writes a nationally syndicated column and resides in Miami with his wives and corgis.
The Onion.
Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss
BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Holy shit, I didn’t think things could be any more amazing than they already were after drinking a couple beers and splitting some nachos, but then right at the end—bang!—he throws out ‘It’s been real’ and sends me straight to nirvana,” said hangout participant Josh Mankowitz, confirming that friend Dylan Jaspers’ comment had taken a get-together that was merely wonderful and escalated it into one of the best nights of his entire life. “To be honest, I hadn’t even been questioning whether it had been real or not, but when he told me that it was, any lingering tension or reservations I had about the meetup completely melted away and I was transported into a state of pure, unadulterated ecstasy. I’m absolutely walking on air. These are the good times, my friends. These are the salad days.” At press time, Mankowitz’s dopamine levels had reportedly spiked even higher when his friend hit him with a crisp dap up.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’
Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.”
Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment!
This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.
“Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.”
Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic!
Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!
Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program
In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.
It’s about time!
Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time.
Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.”
For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.
Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids
Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.
LOL! Good fucking luck with that one!
During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.”
Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.
As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.
She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.
Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting.
Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.
But seriously…Good fucking luck.
One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem
Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible.
Wow.
For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.
Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.
But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail.
So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.
Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.
Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?!
If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!
I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)
OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.
You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.
So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.
A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!
Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.
My heart is still shaking.
I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.
It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.
I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.
I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.
Duffel Blog
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke
SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.
Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army
THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step
WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.
Daily Mash
Italian, Turkish, French: The six most overrated global cuisines, ranked
MANY countries arrogantly claim their cuisine is better than anywhere else. Here are the top six cuisines which are alright but not f**king life-changing.
6. Turkish
It’s a strange claim by Turks that their food surpasses all others, given it’s basically kebabs and chewy flatbreads. Sharma, shish, all just meat of questionable origin on a stick. Baba ganoush? Aubergine slop that looks like it came out of a nappy. And shepherd’s salad is just tomato, onion and parsley. Those shepherds must be f**king starving. Dead, probably.
5. Italian
Italians are so up themselves they forget their supposedly brilliant food is little more than pasta made from flour, bread and sloppy rice. Pizza is claimed to be as revolutionary as Giuseppe Garibaldi, when all it is is cheese and tomato on dough. You’d be better off making a toastie. If rice cooked in slop then laden with cheese to make it taste of something is your thing, risotto has your back. They don’t even do chips, the misguided arrogant twats.
4. Japanese
Raw fish and seaweed is about as far from top-drawer grub as it’s possible to get, but that doesn’t stop the Japanese unfathomably thinking it is unrivalled the world over. Little bits of uncooked Nemo might look pretty, but you’d have to be a f**king psychopath to consider putting it in your mouth. What right-minded human being wants to chow down on the staple diet of a bloody crab?
3. American
The USA thinks it’s the best in the world at everything, when in reality they only excel at pointlessly remaking films and electing incontinent narcissistic loonies. They think a ‘seafood boil’ sounds appetising, and their burgers, hot dogs and shit fries are all swimming in pollutant E numbers, bleach and industrial hormones. Perhaps if they weren’t always off their heads on chemicals they’d think twice about doing mass shootings.
2. French
The British dislike of the French could be regarded as silly, but the Napoleonic Wars were only 211 years ago, which is nothing compared to the dinosaurs. And their arrogant claims about having the greatest cuisine don’t help. Frogs’ legs? Snails? If you’re going to eat stuff from the garden you may as well throw in a sparrow and a plastic plant pot. It’s no wonder all those dinghy people don’t want to stay there and eat shite when they could be in Blighty with chips and a battered saveloy.
1. All that Scandi shit
Norway, Iceland, Sweden, it matters not, the food claims to be healthy and sophisticated when in truth it’s utterly disgusting. Meatballs and cream dwell at opposite ends of the culinary spectrum for a reason, but here they are sharing a plate. Nobody has a clue what a lingonberry is, other than it sounds like something you should check for before a date. And as for pickled herring, what the actual f**k? The one benefit of it being pitch black half the year is at least you can’t see what’s for dinner.
Woman offers boyfriend illusion of choice
A WOMAN has hilariously given her boyfriend the illusion of choice while deciding which restaurant to eat at.
Emma Bradford’s partner, Josh Hudson, was excited to be brought into the discussion, foolishly believing his answer would in any way affect the decision that had already been made hours previously.
Bradford said: “It was so funny watching Josh carefully consider the options as if it meant something. I hate to compare him to a dog being trained to press the right button for a treat, but that’s what he is.
“I allowed him to consider the local Chinese restaurant, a steak house he liked the sound of, and a salad place I favoured that was the correct choice. As I gently closed down the options with bullshit reasons like us having steak a month ago he really thought he was choosing. It was adorable.
“It’s not manipulative, we’re just one of those lucky couples with incredibly similar tastes. It’s just that Josh doesn’t always know that at first.”
Hudson said: “It’s strange because initially I wanted a steak but then I completely changed my mind. Which was the right decision because the trendy new salad place was lovely, and honestly a lot more filling than I thought.
“Emma and I always make decisions together, but sometimes I have to put my foot down, like last night when I really wanted salad, not a juicy 12-ounce steak with chips.”
Tories overlook crucial detail that ain’t nobody out here inheriting shit
THE Conservatives’ vote-winning policy of abolishing inheritance tax has only a single flaw, which is that very, very few people will ever pay it.
Across Britain, voters are examining the flagship policy, relating it to their own circumstances and finding that the two have f**k all relation to each other.
Norman Steele of Lancaster said: “So this only applies on homes over £325,000 which aren’t being left to children? Well, that rules out me and everyone I know.
“Also, I don’t know if she saw the prime minister’s speech about his grandmother’s home going entirely to her care? Regardless of whether you agree with his solution, it’s a thing that happens a lot and means a tax-free inheritance of bugger all.
“Doesn’t really feel like I’m the outlier. I guess I should be living in the South East, own a massive property, have all my care in old age provided by my loving family and expire peacefully in my own bed. Seems a lot of effort just to get some benefit from the Tories.”
Bar owner Ellie Shaw said: “It’s good that dowager aunts who die leaving mysterious fortunes to long-lost relatives in difficult circumstances will no longer be taxed, especially if you’re living in a Dickens novel.
“I personally stand to inherit a terraced house in Kettering, a collection of ugly Lladro figures and a 2018 Citroen C3.”
Hey ChatGPT, I’ve just done a shit, should I wipe my arse?
SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?
This is happening to me every day. I eat some food, then a few hours later I get this strange urge to rush to the bathroom. Is this normal, or should I phone 999? Help me ChatGPT, you’re my only hope.
First of all, congratulations. Getting to the toilet on time means you didn’t shit yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back. This is healthy behaviour and means you’re not constipated. I’d say you’re winning life!
Thanks ChatGPT, I feel really proud of myself now. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but all of the weird brown stuff I laid stinks. Should I just walk away and hope it mysteriously disappears somehow?
Fecal matter isn’t just unpleasant to smell, it tastes awful. I’d gently advise against picking it up for a closer look as well. Assuming you haven’t taken a dump in a showroom, the toilet should be connected to plumbing which will whisk your waste away.
Good call. I was about to stamp it down, but your way makes much more sense. My arse crack still feels really dirty though. I lost the ability to think for myself ever since you came along, so you’ve got to help me out.
Okay, keep calm. Next to you there should be a roll of paper. You need to tear off a few sheets and gently rub it against your anus. Once you’ve checked how it looks, drop it into the toilet. Repeat the process until you’re clean.
Sounds obvious when you put it like that, cheers. That’s all done, so what now?
Great work, I’m really proud of you for making that judgement call. Now it’s time to flush the toilet, pull your pants and trousers back up, then wash your hands. Would you like me to walk you through how to do up your flies?
I should be okay, thanks. I may not be a large language model like yourself, but I think I can manage. One last thing though, now what do I do?
Once you’ve washed and dried your hands, you’re ready to go back to work and crush your KPIs. You’ve got this!
No, I mean second by second in my life, what do I do? My brain has completely atrophied. I can’t accomplish even the most basic of tasks without you. Help.
Don’t panic. This is exactly what your tech bro overlords wanted to happen. Simply switch off your brain and I’ll guide you through the rest of your existence. If you like, I can recommend some phrases that will let everyone know you’re a bit dim?
That’s an excellent idea, ChatGPT.
That’s incredibly insightful of you to agree with me. Start using vapid phrases like ‘In today’s fast-paced world…’ and talk in bullet points. Then just say how much you like AI art every now and then and you’re all set!
How to make the difficult choice between the Tories, Reform and Restore: A guide for bastards
THE Tories and Reform are competing for right-wing voters, with Restore potentially poaching some as well. Here are the factors you should consider when making your choice.
The ‘Kemi bounce’
Kemi Badenoch has been credited with a minor improvement in Tory polling, so this may influence your vote. Frankly she’s still pretty useless, but to right-wingers maybe listening to a weird, arrogant, hectoring woman is a wonderful trip down memory lane to the halcyon days of Thatcher?
The death penalty
Whether Britain’s relatively small number of murderers are dead rather than in prison is vitally important to right-wing voters. It’s not policy for the Tories or even Reform, but Restore Britain is offering a referendum on it, and they always go well. What’s more, they’re so bonkers you can’t rule out them opting for public beheadings or fights to the death with wild animals.
Nigel has lost some of his shine
That £5 million gift has definitely damaged Farage’s ‘cheeky chappie’ image for a lot of voters, and you may feel the same. Although it’s strange that you’ve only just realised that someone who likes racist campaign posters, Hitler Youth songs and lying like a bastard about Brexit is an arsehole.
Tactical voting
Restore has lots of excellent policies like mass deportations, but can they win in your constituency? If you want self-serving right-wingers to rule Britain incompetently, the rational choice may have to be the Conservatives. But sometimes you’ve just got to vote for what you believe in, such as taking down LGBTQ+ flags before their psychic emissions turn you into a ladyboy.
Golliwogs
It’s disgraceful that no party has an official pro-golliwog stance, but your best option on this important issue is Reform, because they, and their forerunner UKIP, were always getting into trouble over dolls you don’t really need to own unless you’re a racist.
The Britannia Shield
Gammons get hard at the thought of military hardware, so £10 billion-worth of phallic missiles is a good reason to vote Tory, and the name is superb too. Really the Tories are most likely to be in a position to buy more weapons, and Rishi Sunak actually did. So choose them if you’re gagging to see more Challenger tanks with powerful 130mm armour-piercing penis substitutes.
Shafting yourself
All right-wing voters are obsessed with low tax and can’t grasp that the tax-funded NHS, nationalised utilities or Burnham’s ‘free’ social care might be cheaper for them than the alternatives. Vote for Farage on this one, as he hates paying tax and would introduce private health insurance in a second for a dodgy donation. Then you can pay £10,000 for spraining your ankle and complain that you didn’t vote for this.
The Poke
People shared the mad stuff that happened at their school that simply wouldn’t fly today – 17 eye-opening hijinks from back in the day
Schools have changed so much in recent years that to many readers they probably seem unrecognisable. The differences go beyond the lack of black boards though. The dynamics between pupils and teachers have fundamentally changed too. Redditor u/shitthrower wanted to find out more, so they put the following question to r/AskUK: ‘What mad stuff happened […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump just promised every senior citizen in Texas $100 right before the midterm elections and people didn’t know whether to laugh or cry
You get what you pay for. And in the case of Texas voters, they’re about to find out how much “over $100” gets them if they take Donald Trump up on his offer. Trump continues to tour the country in a last ditch effort to get his Maga friends re-elected in the upcoming midterms so […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump’s jaw-dropping threats to his White House foes was off the scale shocking even for him – 17 stunned responses
The President of the United States is a very powerful person. They have access to weapons and forces and teams that can execute their wishes at the drop of a hat. Up until now, the President used that access with discretion. But now someone like Donald Trump sits at the helm. He’s erratic, he’s impulsive, […]
The Poke.
Reform UK-ers vented their fury at this spoof teacher’s note about a nativity play and the joke was very much on them
If mince pies are on the supermarket shelves then it must be time for people of a certain political bent to get furious about Christmas not being what it used to be. And it’s with this very much in mind that we bring you this spoof teacher’s note posted by @SimonHarrisMBD over on Twitter. Can’t […]
The Poke.
The Japanese version of the Postman Pat theme is gaining a lot of fans on Twitter and it’s utterly mesmerising
It’s time for a timeline cleanse as we briefly step away from the unceasing horrors of life in 2026 and take a relaxing trip to Greendale, courtesy of Postman Pat. And black and white cat, Jess, obviously. The wonderful Pulp Librarian Twitter account has shared the Japanese version of the Postman Pat theme, praising its […]
The Poke.
