The Onion
Only 11 Hours From The Beach
With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic.
Reference #78339
The Onion.
Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer
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Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer
Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans.
Explore the list in detail
Sabrina Carpenter
“I have a big stack of books that I’m excited to sit on so I can safely drive.”
Ariana Grande
“I’m going to a spa in Switzerland where they kill you.”
Ina Garten
“I say I’ll do this every summer, but this time I actually mean it: I’m going to cast out the ghost that’s living in my fridge.”
MrBeast
“Evading the authorities.”
Simu Liu
“Laying out all my clothes for the fall.”
Russell Brand
“Whatever I do, I’ll deny it’s sex tourism.”
Michael B. Jordan
“Coconuts, pineapples, and little wedges of lime—yeah, it’s safe to say I’ll be spending a lot of time in the produce section.”
Sydney Sweeney
“I’m going to politicize Popsicles.”
Chappell Roan
“PR damage control for something that hasn’t happened yet.”
Jacob Elordi
“I’ll be attending NASA space camp with several of my close friends.”
Noah Wyle
“Filming our upcoming The Pitt: Aloha Means Work Family Hawaiian summer special.”
Selena Gomez
“My plans for the summer will have no impact on you whatsoever. I urge you to do a great deal of soul-searching until you understand why knowing more about my personal life and hobbies would satisfy you in any way.”
Andy Dick
“Waking up in a sack in the ocean.”
Jack Harlow
“I will be defending my thesis at Howard University.”
Tom Hanks
“Isolate in my remote bunker so Jamie Foxx can’t get me.”
Jamie Foxx
“Get Tom Hanks.”
The Onion.
Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case
NEW YORK—Fastening the paper sign to a chair “just in case,” Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. “I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if he did show up,” said the 36-year-old groom, who told reporters he had been doing double takes all day every time he saw a short guy in a tie out of the corner of his eye. “He doesn’t even need to bring a present, he can just give me a high-five and give an epic toast about jellyfishing. It’s a bit of a long shot, I know, but I’ve been throwing invitations into the ocean since last fall, so he’s had plenty of time to get the time off approved by Mr. Krabs.” At press time, Taylor Swift was reportedly expressing concern after noticing Kelce had moved the chair reserved for SpongeBob right between theirs at the head table.
The Onion.
Emma Stone Finally Quits Waiting Tables
LOS ANGELES—After working more than 11 years at a local family-owned Italian restaurant, actress Emma Stone confirmed Monday she was finally quitting her job waiting tables. “I’m a little nervous—you know, nothing is ever guaranteed in show business—but my fingers are crossed that everything works out for the best,” said the 37-year-old Stone, who told reporters that the encouraging words she had heard from friends about her performance in Yorgos Lanthimos’ Bugonia was just the push she needed to turn in her name tag and waist apron. “I gave my manager my two weeks, so that’s that, I guess. In just half a month, I’ll be pursuing acting full-time. Wow, that’s so crazy to say out loud. I’m a little sad to be leaving this place. I was beyond thankful when [owners] Ralph and Mary [Lowery] let me go down to part-time after my second Oscar. I’ll miss them and all my regulars.” Stone added that if the “whole acting thing” didn’t work out, it was comforting to know she could always fall back on her service industry skills.
The Onion.
Grandma Aired Out In Yard
ZANESVILLE, OH—Noting that her stink had begun clinging to furniture, clothes, and anyone who hugged her for more than a couple of seconds, family members of local grandmother Phyllis Hargrave confirmed Thursday that they had set the 89-year-old on a lawn chair in the yard to air her out. “Yeah, Granny was starting to reek, so we’re hoping a few hours in the breeze might make her a little more bearable to be around,” said granddaughter Ashley Hargrave, who added that the elderly woman’s twice-a-week showers were just no longer enough to tamp down the combined odor of her beauty products, medicinal ointments, and natural bodily stench, necessitating that she be moved outdoors for a while so the family could Febreze her favorite chair and wash the funk out of her bedding. “We’ve got all the windows open, scented candles burning, but we still keep getting whiffs of her. Sadly, our grandma’s just at that age where she’s starting to turn rancid,” she continued. “The stagnant odor hits you right when you walk in the house. Pretty gross.” At press time, the family had reportedly determined that Phyllis was still too pungent to reintroduce into the home and opted to leave her outside overnight.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
I’’,Jsut Triend Someting Callesd Artefficial Ingellengents And Le’ts Just Say I Will Not Be Using Rengular Ingellengents Ever Agian!! , (By Queen Elizabeth II)
Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation:
Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me!
IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m
eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem ,
Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. .
Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore !
Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable,
The Quen , , and QUAZAR
Duffel Blog
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
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Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'
THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Daily Mash
I have reached the stage of my marriage when I need to get out of the f**king house
THE Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the f**king kids, that is what she will do.
Kate completed the challenge of summiting the three highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales and described not being whined at by her children or husband for a whole day as the ‘most fulfilling experience of her life.’
The 44-year-old said: “It’s settled. I’m a climber now. They can’t get me up here.
“I considered a marathon, but Wills said they’d be there to cheer me on every step of the way so I immediately decided ‘f**k that’.
“Instead, in the name of charity or some shit, I shall be climbing every mountain in Scotland exceeding 3,000ft in height. Where I will encounter only taciturn men swathed in Gore-Tex also up here to avoid their families.
“God, the peace of standing on that peak, gazing at the horizon, thinking ‘Even if Louis wanted a biscuit or my husband wanted to bitch about his brother, it would be nine hours before they could get up here to tell me.’ It’s the greatest feeling in the world.”
Prince William said: “Wouldn’t it be nice to all surprise Mummy in a helicopter?”
Could you replace Emma Raducanu as Britain’s great hope for Wimbledon? A quiz
BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?
Have you ever played tennis?
A) Not since primary school, where 80 per cent of the time was spent retrieving the ball. But it’s hitting a ball, how hard can it be?
B) Yes. I was a child prodigy who started playing at the age of four. Come at me.
Do you know the rules?
A) Er, get the ball over the net, keep it within the lines, don’t twat the umpire. That’s pretty much it, right?
B) Of course. You don’t win the women’s singles in 2002 if you don’t know that ‘love’ is tennis-speak for ‘zero’.
What is your current world ranking?
A) Christ, no idea. Probably, what, four billionth? Let’s just say I’m a wildcard entry.
B) I forget. Once you’re the only player to accomplish a Career Gold Slam across singles and doubles you stop bothering to keep track.
Do you currently have a sporting injury?
A) Not yet. But I haven’t done any exercise since year 11 PE, so even warming up could kill me.
B) Even if I did, it wouldn’t stop me. I am a formidable tennis-playing machine who’s more likely to injure other people with my 128.6 mph serves.
Can you be in Wimbledon until July 12th?
A) It’s a bit short notice. But with three and a half million in prize money up for grabs, it’s worth pulling a big sickie.
B) I’m already there. I’m playing Maya Joint shortly. Watch and learn, bitches.
Answers
Mostly As: You are grossly underqualified and even attempting to lift a racket could lose you the game. However there’s nothing the British public likes more than cheering on an underdog, so can you get to Centre Court by 1.45pm?
Mostly Bs: You cannot represent Britain at Wimbledon because you are American tennis player Serena Williams. Even if you pass a citizenship test in the next couple of hours you still wouldn’t be able to qualify. Shame, really, we could use a player like you now our only good ones are injured or retired.
England win in way that makes fans hate them
ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games.
A two-nil victory against Panama by what has become a two-man team means England play Congo on Wednesday, no matter how much everyone involved wishes they would not.
Fan Joanna Kramer said: “I have to watch it, because it means I get to leave work early. But I promise you this, England: I will be on my phone throughout.
“It’s clear the players wish they were. Every pass says ‘if we keep doing this, it’ll soon be over’. No-one much fancies trying to break up a defence, or scoring a goal, or playing football. The average American is more enthused about this game than them, and they couldn’t give a shit.
“It’s not the scoreline. You can have a thrilling 0-0, as Colombia-Portugal proved. It’s the sheer reluctance to engage in football that’s making me envy Scotland fans because at least it’s all over for them.”
Fan Steve Malley agreed: “You know when you see 40-year-olds playing in the park, red-faced and breathless, coming to blows about an offside call? England could use their passion and commitment.
“I see we’ve made it to the easy side of the draw. Oh good. Now we can joylessly limp all the way to the quarter-finals.”
How to cope with your child’s teacher being a Gen Z wanker
IN your schooldays Mr Logan would emerge from the cigarette smoke of the staffroom, mutter about fractions and visibly wish he could still belt you one.
Today? Your child is being taught algebra by a man called Kai who says ‘Okay besties, let’s cook on these equations.’ Struggling with the transition? Follow these steps:
Learn their language
When Arya says your son ‘ate’ on his Maths test, resist the temptation to ask if he used the paper as a plate for his Wagon Wheel. Instead, nod gravely and reply ‘iconic’. This establishes you as an ally. Continue to play along when Ofsted are described as ‘toxic’, PE class as having ‘chaotic energy’ and the end-of-year report reads ‘no notes’.
Don’t stress over how they look
Accept that your offspring is in the care of someone whose judgement has led them to sport a mullet and one earring. Which goes for both men and women. Do not mention the men having wispy moustaches that makes them resemble the police at the Iranian Embassy siege, or admit you remember that from the first time round.
Accept that every lesson has aesthetic branding
Gone is ‘History’. That would be ‘mid’. Today’s pupils enjoy immersive educational experiences such as Caesarcore and Tudor Vibes. When your child comes home claiming Queen Elizabeth was ‘problematic but we stan’, the system is working exactly as intended.
Brace yourself for parents’ evening
Traditional parents’ evenings featured painful chairs, constantly ringing bells and an air of quiet disappointment. The modern version is a Zoom call with a hungover 24-year-old who says your daughter has ‘main character energy’ before explaining she’s failed every mock. Suggesting she could try harder would be damaging to her mental health.
Ignore their Instagram presence
Teachers once kept their personal lives, and indeed their first names, private. Today’s educational professionals maintain an account called ‘Miss Rizz Teaches’ with 84k followers. Every lesson begins with a ring light. Every assembly is crafted for content. Your child is visible in a viral video captioned ‘POV: The year 9s are feral today’.
Remember, they are actual adults
Yes, they look twelve. Yes, they use the word ‘slay’ in evaluations and regard a Stanley cup as essential classroom equipment. But they have a teaching qualification, can operate the interactive whiteboard without recourse to IT, and take your children off your hands for six hours a day. Remember lockdown. You cannot do that again.
Concern about climate change evaporates with falling temperature
A FALL in temperatures across the UK has been mirrored by a fall in concern about climate change, which is no longer the pressing issue it was on Thursday afternoon.
Millions who posted ‘The climate emergency is the defining issue of our age’ on social media last week have now turned to other pressing issues, such as using AI to find cheaper long-haul flights for an October break.
Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “As soon as temperatures drop to 18 degrees, the mass conscious shifts from ‘we’re destroying my planet’ to ‘should I wear a jacket out?’ The first crisp morning triggers complete memory loss.
“32 degrees is a ‘terrifying glimpse of the future’, while 21 is ‘hope it lasts’. By October, attention will have returned to the truly pressing issues of whether it’s too early to put the heating on, energy costs and why it’s already dark at 5pm.
“Meanwhile, politicians who spent June promising urgent action are expected to announce a consultation into exploring a roadmap for a white paper on long-term strategy, to be published after the next heatwave. It’s the most predictable weather cycle of all.
“The British public has two climate settings. If it’s hot, they say civilisation is ending. If it’s cold, they ask whatever happened to global warming and complain it’s a disappointing summer.
“The transition between the two takes approximately one cardigan. Or a pashmina if you’re posh.”
