Dennis Hastert Dies

Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? “From the first couple sentences I’ve read about him, he sounds like an impressive guy.” Shane Kress, Medical Restocker “Finally, a politician giving the people what they want.” Lucas Teruki, Racehorse Namer “Poor guy was just ahead of his time.” Sandy Goodall, Wheel Attacher The Onion.

NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake

NEW YORK—Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. “The first time you see all those zeroes in your bank account, you’re going to be tempted to buy a beautiful 10-foot albino boa, and by the end of the afternoon, you’ll have bought six more snakes, hired a guy named Otto to take care of them, and demolished your kitchen to install an $80,000 climate-controlled serpent terrarium,” said NBA Players Association financial advisor Orie Helaire, stressing that snakes were a liability, not an asset, and that no rookie contract was big enough to justify impulse-buying rare color-changing Indonesian tree pythons every time a reptile expo came to town. “I’ve seen players go from $10 million guaranteed to living on the street in two years because they couldn’t stop buying exotic snakes they thought would appreciate in value. And once you get that first king cobra, it turns into a breeding pair, and suddenly friends and family start crawling out of the woodwork asking for its eggs while you’re dropping $10k a month on frozen rabbits.” Helaire added that after taxes, escrow, and agent fees, rookies should treat their first contract less like a windfall and more like a business opportunity by investing it in something sensible, such as horse racing. The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have met same rigorous safety standards as Kranked XXXtreme Nuclear Berry Preworkout Something interesting to talk about on next Hinge date Survivors might enjoy enhanced health and fitness Injecting unvetted substances better than injecting nothing at all New thing to blame when health remains bad CON Would need to learn what peptides are Some unregulated peptides have yet to be officially approved by Joe Rogan Don’t get to choose which Kennedy you’ll look like Fewer pig bones available for glue production Unable to tell if you’re getting too much or too little arsenic without an ingredient list The Onion.

DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms

WASHINGTON—In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections. “Upon careful analysis, it’s clear our organization is going to bungle messaging in late October, costing us many key races across the nation,” said DNC chair Ken Martin, identifying the multitude of errors the Democratic Party expected it would make in the next four weeks. “While there’s no time left to defeat the GOP in the upcoming election, we’re hoping this pre-postmortem can serve as a guide to Democrats as we start gearing up to bungle the next presidential race. It’s tough to admit when you’re going to be wrong, but we can only hope we’ll learn from the mistakes we’ll absolutely be making over the next month.” Martin added that the main issue for Democrats was failing to put more resources into abandoning all their principles. The Onion.

Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’

WASHINGTON—Faced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastar’s career, a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didn’t turn out to see his new movie Digger. “Relax, I’m not gonna fly off the handle or anything like that, but I am just a bit curious as to why you chose not to see this film,” said a grinning Cruise, who leaned in closer so the nation could not easily escape his gaze and spoke in mild, measured tones as he explained that all he wanted was the truth. “Were you sick? Did you have other plans? I wasn’t made aware of these plans, but maybe you forgot to mention them. It’s totally fine if that’s what happened. I’d just like to know what you were doing instead of seeing Digger, that’s all. I’m sure it was more important than possibly my last chance to establish myself as a serious dramatic actor, right? Again, I’m not mad. There are still showtimes tonight. There are probably some right now, this very afternoon. Did I mention it was shot in VistaVision?” Cruise added that it would really be something if the poor box office derailed his Oscar momentum and then he began to laugh and laugh. The Onion.

Noah Decides 500 Years Old Perfect Time To Settle Down And Have Kids

MESOPOTAMIA — Having sown his proverbial wild oats, Noah decided that, having turned 500 years old, it was finally time to settle down and start having kids.

Jameis Winston Diagnosed With Concussion After Giving Coherent Response

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — New York Giants quarterback Jameis Winston was placed in the NFL's concussion protocol by team trainers after he gave a coherent answer during an after-practice interview.

9 Crimes Pete Hegseth Just Declared Worthy Of Death Penalty

The Pentagon officially approved execution by firing squad for the Fort Hood shooter, but that's not the only crime the military is seeking the death penalty for these days.

Trump Approves Fort Hood Shooter Being Tied To A Bomb And Dropped On Iran

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump approved the execution of Nidal Malik Hasand on Monday, confirming that he would be tied to a bomb and dropped on the country of Iran.

Palestinians Finally Granted Own Country

PARIS — At long last, the Palestinian people finally have a land to truly call their own.

Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program

In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.  It’s about time! Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time. Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.” For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.

Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids

Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.  LOL! Good fucking luck with that one! During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.” Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.  As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.  She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.  Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting. Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.  But seriously…Good fucking luck.

One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem

Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible. Wow. For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.  Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.  But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail. So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.  Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.  Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?! If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!

I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)

OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.  You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.  So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.  A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!  Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.  My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.  It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.  I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

I mean an actual iron dome, clarifies Badenoch

One-third of threesome not pulling her weight

A THREESOME has been thrown into crisis after it became apparent that one member of the trio was contributing significantly less than the other two.  The three-way evening of erotic delight descended into recriminations after two sides of the troilism triangle realised they were doing absolutely bloody everything and it was far from fair. Tom Logan, aged 28, said: “Look, I’m not a communist, but has Sophie never heard it’s better to give than receive? “I’m going at Francesca, Francesca’s devouring Sophie, she’s doing nothing. Or I’m doing Sophie and having to manage Francesca’s delight with my free hand. There’s no reciprocity. “She goes between my legs and just kind of hovers down there. She kisses Francesca unenthusiastically and doesn’t even bother with her tits. I’m moaning her name not in ecstasy but to try and get her attention. “It ruins the mood to say ‘come on, put some effort in, we’re knackered over here’ but I’m sorely tempted. I was expecting more than a lazy caress of my back while we’re sweating away. Did she suggest this just for a night off?” Francesca Ryan, aged 26, agreed: “I’m open to trying again but we need clear expectations, agreed responsibilities, possibly a map and definitely a rota.”

The obituary of Jeffrey Archer, written by Jeffrey Archer

JEFFREY Archer, 1940-2026, statesman, bestselling author, Olympic 100m sprint gold medallist, astronaut, and faithful husband has passed on. In his own words:  Jeffrey Archer was born to humble beginnings in Weston-super-Mare in West Somerset, last year renamed Jeffrey-super-Archer in his honour. He was able to speak fluent English at three months old and wrote his first novel aged one. He attended Wellington College in Berkshire where he far outshone fellow pupils Sir Christopher Lee and James Hunt, once besting them both in a combined acting-motor racing contest during which he also wrote two novels. He was then admitted to Brasenose College, Oxford, though modestly under a false name which has allowed liars to claim he wasn’t there at all. In fact he was made a Don in his first week and won the boat race single-handed while writing a trilogy. Elected as a Conservative MP aged 29, he was quickly recognised as the party’s unofficial leader until forced to step down by bankruptcy. Unbowed, he wrote a novel about it and this time deigned to release it for publication. It made £4,080 million pounds. After writing several further novels, each of which outsold the Bible and were better than anything by Shakespeare, Archer gracefully agreed to re-enter politics on condition Margaret Thatcher was elected prime minister. Grateful voters rushed to comply. In 1986, frustrated by government red tape, Archer took his urge to help others to the streets by giving a prostitute £2,000 to begin a new life abroad. A mix-up led to a libel case Archer won handily and his wife Mary was named Pin-Up of the Year by The Sun. A few loose ends from this case later saw Archer volunteer to go to prison for four years in solidarity with the wrongly accused. While there he wrote more best-selling novels than his accusers would ever write, quelled a riot, solved six crimes and won Crufts. Following his release he retired, became Mayor of London, spearheaded a successful coup in Equatorial Guinea, raised £22 billion for Kurdish charities, invented the ‘short story’ and created a new form of life. He is survived by his penthouse overlooking the Thames.

Pub boasts city’s widest selection of identical IPAs

A WELL-STOCKED city watering hole is ready to cater to the needs of drinkers who want to choose from up to 28 differently-named 4.5 per cent IPAs with citrus notes. Thanks to its generous selection of interchangably inoffensive IPAs that cost the best part of a tenner, The Robin Hood in Bristol is the go-to pub for anyone keen to congratulate themselves for their discerning taste while not being challenged at all. Barman Ryan Whittaker said: “Don’t let varied names like Laser Juice or Indignation overwhelm you. The greatest sommelier in the world couldn’t tell the difference. “We’ve got the Bedminster Swig, that’s a summery, hoppy IPA. Or there’s the Harbourside Gull, which is more of a light, crisp IPA. Don’t like the sound of them? There are a dozen more I can describe with adjectives just as meaningless. “The Clock Tower is our bestseller. It’s just as bland as the others, but it’s a shade darker so you can trick your brain into thinking you’re having a proper pint. You get pissed with your eyes, after all. “Oh, these taps with other drinks that you actually want? We’re out of those and always will be, but we don’t turn their signs around because we like to build your hopes up.” Punter Martin Bishop said: “Absolute piss take. They’re taking advantage of the fact that I’m here now and I can’t be arsed to find another pub.”

Perfecting nuclear fusion, and other ways to pull Hannah Fry

CELEBRITY Traitors contestant Hannah Fry is not only intelligent, but in a maths way. If you want to stand a chance with her you need to excel at science. Do any of these:  Cure Alzheimer’s It’s a disgrace this isn’t already on the market after Deep Blue Sea (1999) explained all you need is brain juice out of a shark. Invest in an oversized syringe and go to your local Sea Life Centre. It might mean visiting Birmingham, but you can endure that horror for Hannah’s hand. Perfect nuclear fusion It’s the key to infinite energy and possible in laboratory settings, so why can’t you do it in your kitchen? Become a genius physicist, create new ways of manipulating magnetic fields and superheated plasma, scale it down. You’ll need to do it in the next 18 months if you want to catch Hannah while she’s still really fit. Build godlike AI You may not, as a man in poverty in a Swindon bedsit, be able to see a path to dating clever, famous, beautiful Hannah, but it will be as nothing to galactic-brained recursive AI. Though don’t rule out other girlfriends in the meantime in case we reach 2046 and AI is still making shit like Shrimp Jesus. Get her a pet dinosaur No feeble plushie for Hannah. Going back in time is logically impossible, so instead use faster-than-light travel to visit an Earth-like planet in its Cretaceous period and grab a cute little psittacosaurus. Building an FTL spaceship that contravenes the theory of relativity is the only hard bit. But you got two Cs in Dual Science GCSE, so believe in yourself. Freeze yourself in carbonite  And have yourself delivered to Hannah’s door. As a scientist she is also a nerd so she’ll love the Empire Strikes Back reference. Carbonite, which was invented in case Harrison Ford didn’t come back for a third movie, doesn’t exist yet but it’s probably just frozen cement. Offer a builder £200 to seal you in it. Download your consciousness into a robot Advantageous on two levels. First, the robot can be more attractive than you, for example Jude Law in A.I. Artificial Intelligence. Second, ‘Am I me or just a copy of me?’ is exactly the sort of philosophical pop science question Hannah loves, so you’ll have something to discuss other than bloody quantum entanglement again. Grow your own Hannah clone Will require an in-depth knowledge of genetic engineering and a foolhardy willingness to play God, but imagine the ‘wow factor’ when Hannah meets herself cloned from a thrown-away coffee cup. Easily the best way to pull Hannah, because if she won’t go out with you there’s always the clone. Unless the clone dumps you as well.

There can’t be many First Dates episodes to challenge this ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ moment for sheer cringe

Back in January 2024, Lauren Simon – who appears on ITVBe’s Real Housewives of Cheshire, apparently – went on Channel 4’s hit show First Dates, where she was paired up with a man names Chiles. Not Adrian. It got off to a slightly bad start when he didn’t recognise her. De-activate your cringe mechanism, then […] The Poke.

This writer’s devastating takedown of Donald Trump is even more on the money now than when it was written

Full disclosure – this is not the first time we have featured this especially excoriating takedown of Donald Trump and, let’s face it, it’s probably not going to be the last. But if anything is worth repetition then it is surely this, an especially vivid (and insulting) description of the current president of the United […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked about fears of a plague epidemic in Russia and his answer was the polar opposite of reassuring

Just what the world needs right now – another global epidemic, right? And while we don’t want to alarm you or anything, people with much bigger brains than ours are keeping a close eye on the case of a Russian lab technician who died after an apparent accident at a plague research centre in Siberia. […] The Poke.

Donald Trump said he’d let Iran ‘take out’ Los Angeles or San Diego and the internet went nuclear on his barn door ass – 18 devastating comebacks

By all accounts, the United States war with Iran is a complete catastrophe. Soldiers are dying. Innocent children are dying. Gas prices are through the roof in America. Nobody is happy and there appears to be no way out. Just don’t ask the President of the United States, because he has a slightly different view […] The Poke.

James Blunt’s turn on Celebrity Traitors sent this old Bake Off clip wildly viral and it’s peak Blunt

There are lots of things we love about the return of Celebrity Traitors and – as anyone who has stumbled upon these pages before will surely already know – one of them is the great James Blunt. So much so that Blunt’s turn on the all-conquering BBC1 show sent this old clip of him on […] The Poke.