Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss

BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Holy shit, I didn’t think things could be any more amazing than they already were after drinking a couple beers and splitting some nachos, but then right at the end—bang!—he throws out ‘It’s been real’ and sends me straight to nirvana,” said hangout participant Josh Mankowitz, confirming that friend Dylan Jaspers’ comment had taken a get-together that was merely wonderful and escalated it into one of the best nights of his entire life. “To be honest, I hadn’t even been questioning whether it had been real or not, but when he told me that it was, any lingering tension or reservations I had about the meetup completely melted away and I was transported into a state of pure, unadulterated ecstasy. I’m absolutely walking on air. These are the good times, my friends. These are the salad days.” At press time, Mankowitz’s dopamine levels had reportedly spiked even higher when his friend hit him with a crisp dap up. The Onion.

‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and girls, sometimes Ted Lasso gets tired and needs to rest,” said series co-creator Bill Lawrence, who spoke in a soft and slow voice as he explained to the show’s fans that they would see all their favorite on-screen friends again very soon, but they’d have to practice their patience skills. “It’s okay to have big feelings about saying bye-bye to Ted Lasso. Remember that you can always rewatch old episodes any time you want to see all your buddies like Coach Beard and Roy again. Just make sure you ask a grown-up or someone else who knows how to use the remote control for help.” Lawrence went on to suggest that fans could always play Ted Lasso with a friend whenever they were really missing the show. The Onion.

Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the upcoming midterms. What do you think? “Yeah, old people are always sending out a bunch of checks they forget writing.” Mac Lyss, Executive Typist “Woo-hoo! A whole weekend of insulin!” Terance Showell, Bristle Counter “Always good to have some hobblin’-around money.” Kelsi Walters, Phonograph Historian The Onion.

Time Travelers From Year 2376  Warn Of Future    Where America   Still Perfect

WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect. “Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up the great work, because things will only get more amazing from here on out,” said one of the mysterious, polychromatic-clad figures, who introduced himself as Commander Mecha-Aquila of the 10th Robo Battalion and removed his helmet to reveal the head of a majestic bald eagle. “The United States might seem perfect today, but in 350 years it’s going to be even better. Yes, World War 5 will be scary! But when you’re celebrating your sexa-centennial amongst the beautiful charred remains, it’ll all be worth it.” According to witnesses, the time traveler could be heard yelling, “Please, we beg you—don’t change a thing,” right before he was run over by a police van and subsequently shot dead by federal officers. The Onion.

Dennis Hastert Dies

Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? “From the first couple sentences I’ve read about him, he sounds like an impressive guy.” Shane Kress, Medical Restocker “Finally, a politician giving the people what they want.” Lucas Teruki, Racehorse Namer “Poor guy was just ahead of his time.” Sandy Goodall, Wheel Attacher The Onion.

Babylon Bee Substack Goes Live, Dozens Rejoice

Hey, everyone! The Babylon Bee Substack has gone live!

Man Boldly Guesses Mall Of America Terror Plot Suspect's Name Rhymes With 'Bohammed'

CLEVELAND, OH — Local man Chris Pinson made a bold guess today that the name of the Mall of America terror plot suspect would turn out to rhyme with "Bohammed."

Nation Saddened To Learn Iran May Not Actually Nuke LA

U.S. — The nation has reportedly slipped into a period of deep sadness and introspection after learning that Iran may not actually nuke Los Angeles.

McDonald's Reduces Entire Global Workforce To 27 Kiosks And A Guy Named José

WORLD — International fast food giant McDonald's announced today that it had successfully reduced its entire global workforce to 27 kiosks and one guy named José.

Experts Theorize Possible Connection Between TikTokers Celebrating Women Killing Their Children And More Women Killing Their Children

U.S. — Could there be a connection between TikTokers celebrating women killing their children and more women killing their children? Experts at the American Psychiatric Association think there could be.

Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’

Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.” Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment! This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.  “Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.” Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic! Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!  

Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program

In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.  It’s about time! Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time. Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.” For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.

Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids

Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.  LOL! Good fucking luck with that one! During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.” Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.  As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.  She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.  Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting. Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.  But seriously…Good fucking luck.

One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem

Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible. Wow. For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.  Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.  But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail. So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.  Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.  Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?! If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!

I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)

OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.  You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.  So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.  A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!  Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.  My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.  It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.  I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI

WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Badenoch can promise whatever she f**king likes

Fashionable older men wearing as many as 18 fake nipples

OLDER men looking to attract younger women have leapt onto the fake nipple trend and are wearing as many as 18 per outfit.  The trend of wearing fake nipples to draw attention to your chest was showcased at this year’s Met Gala and is now available on the high street, with men in their 40s leaping aboard. Julian Cook, aged 48 and looking to settle down with a 23-year-old, said: “They say it gives the illusion of youth. I’ve bought three packs. “I arranged them down my chest so it looks like I’ve got a classic row of suckling teats, which indicates that I’m not only youthful, healthy and fertile but a provider. Which I am. I bought my last girlfriend a £1,500 bean-to-cup coffee machine.” 51-year-old Oliver O’Connor, whose two divorces were not his fault, agreed: “Nipples are sexy. I already open my shirts to the sternum. Imagine how much sexier I’d be if I had 12 nipples to show off? “So I’ve bought multiple silicone nipples, absolutely top quality, the same ones Vladimir Putin wears, and I’ve stuck them all over my body. Elbows, forehead, back, the lot. It’s called nipplemaxxing. That’s a youth term, you’re probably not heard it.” Carrie Ryan, aged 34 but 26 on Hinge, said: “Uh. Bad enough I’m dating older men, but now I’m doing the walk of shame with a stray nipple stuck to my arse?”

Hackers threaten to tell M&S about your dirty ASOS habit

CYBER criminals are threatening to tell M&S all about your secret addiction to buying cheap fast fashion from ASOS. Having bypassed ASOS’s on-brand poorly-made firewalls to steal your data, hackers are threatening to tell M&S you have been teaming its classy tops and ethically made coats with low-rise jeans made by child labourers behind its back. Hacker Xuanye_888 said: “Nice collection of Sparks rewards points you’ve got saved up there. I don’t suppose you’d be able to use those if they knew the truth. “And look at what you’ve bought. Oversized chocolate brown knit sweater, added to your basket at 1am. Funnel neck with peplum details. You’ve been telling everyone it was Autograph but now the truth has come out. “Your precious M&S doesn’t need to know the truth. It’ll never find out you were bulk-buying shitty skirts from the After Dark range and getting them delivered to your office. If you pay up. “Think we’re bluffing? We’ve got the screenshots to prove it. Tuesday, September 8th, shirt with houndstooth pattern ring any bells? Meanwhile your M&S clothes were hanging in the wardrobe mere feet away. You’re disgusting.” An M&S spokesman said: “What’s ASOS got that we haven’t? Is it the itchy polyester or the cheap, nasty stitching that turns you on? Tell us and we can change.”

Harry Kane greatest England player who hasn’t won anything since Rooney

HARRY Kane has been acclaimed as the greatest England player to have won no trophies whatsoever since the inimitable Wayne Rooney.  Last night’s win against Croatia saw Kane, already England’s all-time top scorer, extend his lead to 91 goals and equal Peter Shilton’s appearance record of 125 caps, all without winning anything at all. England fan Nathan Muir said: “That is a record of personal achievement and collective non-achievement I can’t imagine any foreigners equalling. Harry is right to be proud. “Look at Italy’s Gianluigi Buffon, for example: 176 international caps, yes, but he also won the World Cup in 2006. Ronaldo? An incredible 146 goals, but a record marred by winning Euro 2016 and two Nations Leagues. “Harry’s achievement is all the more impressive when you consider the context. He’s achieved that within a team which is by any measure a failure. Honestly I think he’s on course to beat Ali Daei of Iran, and we all know what a legend he is. “Such a shame he left Tottenham. With them he could have excelled while winning nothing at club level too. Still, winning the Bundesliga with Bayern is almost the same.” Kane said: “Every day, I curse the gods for making me English.”

What your boyfriend is thinking while Sense and Sensibility is on

HE has accompanied you to the cinema to watch an adaptation of a Jane Austen book which does not even have corsets in it. This is what is going through his head:  ‘What are they on about?’ The characters are speaking English, but not recognisable English. Nor, even when you’re past the archaic formulations and long words, are they talking about ordinary things like Flamin’ Hot Doritos or noise-cancelling earbuds. If you fancy her, ask her out; if she says no, ask her less attractive sister. No wonder everyone in the past died. ‘When will something happen?’  There appears to be no hero, half-an-hour in. Just sisters in dresses that even charitably can’t be described as sexy bemoaning their failure to get married. No teams of special forces have been silently killed and no giant reptiles are crushing cottages. Consequently there is nothing you could describe as a narrative. ‘When will it end?’  There are at least two hours to go, which will feel like 12. More than one toilet break would seem suspicious. I should have brought beers. What beers did they have back then? Probably only basic ones, like Boddington’s and Samuel Smith’s. I could drink that ruffle-shirted fop under the table I reckon. ‘What did I eat earlier and what will I eat next?’  Ah, lunch. Chicken fajitas. Fantastic. Wish I’d brought nachos in here. What have we got in? Can’t ask my girlfriend, she seems to think this bit’s emotional even though it’s the same as the others. We could get a lamb Rogan Josh on the way home. I could claim it’s because the film was so good it made me hungry. ‘I’ve got to get my powered handsaw back off Ewan’  Nice bit of scrollwork over the door, that. Quality workmanship. That reminds me that Ewan’s still got my saw and you don’t want to leave him with stuff. But I can’t text him until this is over. I need to remember to message him when this torture’s over. Sense and Sensibility, sense, fence, garden fence, garden gate, mate, Ewan, saw. Sorted. ‘What if aliens landed?’  Earth would be f**ked if they’d invaded whenever this was. All they’d have to do is keep their hats on in chapel and the men would ignore them for having bad manners and the women would faint. ‘Please let their be shagging’  An hour and a half and f**k all’s happened. I’ve given up on nudity but there should at least be a knee-trembler against a sturdy oak. An evening wasted watching toffs chat shite. They should have called it Nonsense and Nonsensibility. Wait, what did she say? I’ve seen this before with Kate Winslet in it. Oh for f**k’s sake.

Donald Trump claims he is why no one laughs at America anymore and the internet still hasn’t stopped roaring

America’s standing in the world has taken a few major blows over the last decade. There was the time the country elected Donald Trump as President of the United States. Then there was… the second freaking time the country elected Donald freaking Trump as freaking President of the United States. And really, that about sums […] The Poke.

Donald Trump met grieving families of fallen US military and turned it into a White House helipad photo op and precisely zero people were surprised – 17 scathing takedowns

Of all the words one can use to describe Donald Trump, classy wouldn’t make the list. Every public appearance the President makes reveals a new character flaw and his latest faux pas involved families of dead military members killed in combat. Trump brought grieving family members to the White House. Great idea. It all fell […] The Poke.

Donald Trump said soaring diesel prices was nothing to do with his Iran war and was fact checked ’til he farted

As anyone who has filled their car up recently – especially if you have the misfortune of owning a diesel – it’s never been more expensive. And while the whole world points the finger of blame at Donald Trump, the American president was doing his desperate best to lay the blame at the door of […] The Poke.

‘What’s something you didn’t know you were doing ‘wrong’ until your partner told you?’ – 23 outrageously intolerant other halfs

Finding a long-lasting relationship is something everyone yearns for, one of the highest prizes in the game of life. But, sometimes – or maybe that should be ‘often’ – people who have managed to bag a significant other find themselves wondering if it was actually a good idea to saddle themselves with somebody whose main […] The Poke.

People are sharing red flags to look out for at job interviews – 21 employers to run a mile from

When you go for a job interview, it generally feels like the onus is on you to impress your potential employer, to the extent that you’ll feel jelly-legged with nerves. However, it’s important to remember that you’re going to be in this place day in, day out for the majority of your waking life. It […] The Poke.