Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him

WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives and officials from every level of government—including at least three former U.S. presidents—participated in a highly coordinated effort to convince Americans to cast their votes for Biden. Trump alleged that members of this shadowy group regularly called and emailed voters to dissuade them from voting for him, part of a plot to ensure the Democratic nominee would be victorious at the polls on Election Day. “This is a huge scheme, maybe the biggest, most illegal scheme anybody has ever seen,” said Trump, who later posted images of campaign mailers, yard signs, and the 2020 Democratic National Convention on Truth Social to support his assertion that Biden worked to turn voters against him. “For months, Crooked Joe went all over the country saying very nasty things about me: that I wasn’t fit to be president, that I was failing on Covid. Joe was telling everybody he should be president, not me. Right out in the open. He wasn’t even hiding it.” “He went after people with speeches, television, the internet, all of it, and this reduced my votes while increasing his votes,” the president added. “Very, very fraudulent.” According to Trump, Biden realized early on that he could sway the results of the 2020 election if he got a majority of Americans to support him, and so he took advantage of this vulnerability in the system by seeking to influence voter opinion. The president contended that at Biden’s behest, hundreds of millions of dollars were funneled into anti-Trump propaganda, which included unflattering videos broadcast on public airwaves that suggested Trump did not have the skills or temperament necessary to hold office. “They called them ‘attack ads,’” Trump said. “Attack. Very violent word.” As he stood at a podium in the Roosevelt Room, a TV played a compilation of the 2020 ads, which the president described as “totally deceptive,” saying Biden’s co-conspirators had selectively used footage of Trump praising white supremacists as “fine people” or downplaying a pandemic killing 1,000 Americans a day and had completely ignored his first-term achievements. An aide periodically paused the footage so the president could circle his own face with a laser pointer. “It’s cheating,” Trump said of an ad in which he could be seen mocking a disabled reporter. “They picked the things people liked least and showed them over and over. But they kept out the beautiful things, the many, many perfect things. They didn’t show me cutting the ribbon. They didn’t show me getting into a helicopter. That’s election interference.” “People see a Biden commercial, hear a Biden speech, and suddenly millions of ballots appear with his name checked instead of mine,” he continued. “Without those ballots, I win every single state. It’s a blowout.” Trump went on to accuse celebrities, donors, and groups such as Joe Biden for President 2020 of serving as accomplices, describing a “vast criminal enterprise” that maintained offices in all 50 states and employed thousands of people who systematically studied voter lists, operated phone banks, and knocked on the doors of prospective supporters. According to the president, Biden’s organized crime ring even included his wife, Jill, and his running mate, Kamala Harris, both of whom joined him in campaigning against Trump. “There were very powerful people helping to do it, to rig it,” Trump said. “Barack Hussein Obama, I’ve seen video, he went onstage before thousands of voters and said, ‘Don’t vote for Donald Trump, let’s fight like hell not to have it.’ And Michelle did the same. So did LeBron. The deep state—a very, very famous group of people, in many cases—they were doing it. They endorse Biden, and then Biden wins? That’s no coincidence. That’s the greatest scam in this country’s history.” Reached for comment, many of the president’s advisors defended his assessment, saying American elections were too susceptible to this kind of fraud. “The electoral system is a disaster,” White House deputy chief of staff Dan Scavino told reporters. “One candidate spends a year saying terrible things about the other candidate, promises people things, asks for their votes, and if enough people vote for him, they let him become president. How is that secure? Thankfully, Donald Trump won’t rest until we have a system where nobody can unseat the person already in the Oval Office.”  The Onion.

Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers’ 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar

INDIANAPOLIS—As he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, “Yeah, man,” ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a two-hour monologue extolling the health benefits of eating tar. “People hear ‘tar’ and they get scared, but why? It’s naturally occurring. It comes from the earth,” said Rodgers, explaining that the substance’s black color was “basically what you’d get if you mashed every fruit and vegetable together,” which he claimed made it nutritionally equivalent to consuming the entire produce section at Whole Foods. “I credit my career longevity to eating tar. It keeps you fresh—that’s why dinosaurs have been preserved in it for hundreds of millions of years. And you think it’s an accident that Dr. [Anthony] Fauci did everything in his power to make sure Americans couldn’t get tar during Covid? Come on. Just do your own research. Also, just saying, I personally don’t know a single person who eats tar who also has autism.” McAfee responded, “That’s fascinating, dude,” while Rodgers spooned a viscous black substance from a five-gallon bucket labeled “ROOFING GRADE” onto a cracker.  The Onion.

Hiding in Plane Sight

The Onion.

Trump’s Triumphal Arch By The Numbers

Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved typos 1 Additional arch needed to make McDonald’s logo 20,000 Estimated trips to Michaels needed to complete construction Free Cost for single ladies on Wednesday nights 900 Spikes added to make arch look even tougher 10 Second warning to any school children touching the arch before they are shot on sight 1 Healthy male relationship during Trump’s youth could have prevented all this 189 million Viewers that will watch its eventual dismantling on livestream The Onion.

Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game

The Onion.

One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem

Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible. Wow. For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.  Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.  But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail. So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.  Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.  Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?! If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!

I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)

OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.  You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.  So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.  A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!  Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.  My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.  It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.  I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.  Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played pool in MWR spaces and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

RAF Fairford withdrawal leaves pensioners unable to trade sex for stockings

This country has gone to the dogs, by a man who couldn’t hack it in Britain

By Jack Browne, aged 38, with a one-way ticket to Dubai BRITAIN ain’t what it used to be, mate. You can’t get a GP appointment, the bin collections are fortnightly and you can’t get a decent job without being ‘fired’ for ‘fraudulent expenses’.  It’s the third world. You can’t say anything now, especially about those small boats on the front pages every day which nobody’s allowed to discuss. So I’ve got no choice but to abandon the country I love and go somewhere that believes in free speech. Dubai. They bloody love immigrants there, white ones, and are proper welcoming. And they expect everyone to integrate and speak the local language, English. But English with an American accent, which is better. It’s not that I can’t make it in Poole. It’s just that it’s become impossible for anyone with two GCSEs, six months work experience in Greggs and a light criminal record to get anywhere because this country’s against aspirational, ambitious people. In Dubai they won’t care about my unspent conviction. They’ll see an enterprising businessman who doesn’t let a few silly laws stand in the way of success, like Man City haven’t. People say I should stay and try to make my home country better. But I’ve got a better idea: pissing off. I’m showing traditional British resilience by moving somewhere with air conditioning, tax advantages and indentured servitude. Somewhere with values. In Dubai everyone has a Rolex and a Louis Vuitton handbag and you don’t need to worry about criminals snatching them, until I get there. And yes it’s a junior role but I’ll work my way up. Yeah, goodbye Britain and hello paradise. Nobody’s even coming to the airport to see me off. This country.

We were dangerously close to being electable, Green Party explains

THE Green Party has taken a controversial stance on Zionism because it was worried it might become a viable political party. Concerned by how their recent gains could result in them actually taking a role in government and implementing their policies, the party decided to take a hardline approach to Zionism in order to make that virtually impossible. A Green Party spokesperson said: “Being an alternative party is an easy gig. Nobody expects anything from you and you hold the moral high ground by default, it’s great. “We were perfectly happy with our cushy lifestyle of bombing in local elections and being a punchbag for the Mail. But suddenly people other than students and residents of Brighton were paying attention, scrutinising Zack’s council tax etcetera, and we weren’t keen. “When we got that plumber in up North, we had as many MPs as Reform and were being taken a fifth as seriously. We weren’t ready. No matter how extreme our policies on recreational drug use, a hardcore were still prepared to vote for us. “Luckily there’s always Israel. So we went Kanye West just before Zack’s by-election, freeing him from the burden of representing the people of Holborn and St Pancras and ourselves from having to save the planet and scrap tuition fees. Phew.” Party leader Zak Polanski warned: “If this doesn’t work I’ve got some views on trans rights locked and loaded. Don’t make me use them.”

How to get Olivia Colman’s middle-aged pissed-off done-with-this-f**king-catwalk look

OLIVIA Colman appeared in the Miu Miu show at Paris Fashion Week and made it perfectly clear it is one more f**king chore to get through. Here’s how to get that look:  Be given a leather skirt and mutter ‘oh for f**k’s sake’  Leather outerwear, apart from a classic jacket, is a tough ask for anyone, let alone the over-50s. Leather trousers, leather coats, all carry the vibe of the ex-boyfriend encountered 30 years later who, incredibly, is still in the same failing band. Ask ‘Have you not got anything less showy?’ then irritably put it on. Refuse to wear high heels You conceded on the skirt, telling yourself maybe it might work on date night if you hadn’t let those lapse in 2024. But when the bright-eyed girl dressing you pulls out a pair of five-inch snakeskin heels your patience snaps. ‘Put those on Kylie bloody Jenner,’ you tell her, ‘I’m not falling on my arse.’ And thus you go down the catwalk in sensible flats. Accept the jacket It’s a nice jacket, and after all it is autumn. Long enough to flatteringly hide the bum. Yes, this jacket not only suits you, it’s an absolute keeper. At which point you’re told that no way will you be allowed to keep it because it’s couture, costs £38,000 and has already been reserved by Queen Rania of Jordan. Shrug off attempts to get your hair done ‘I thought this was about representing my style,’ you snap at the man attempting to piss about with your hair and make it resemble a bird’s nest that only a 19-year-old breathtaking beauty could get away with. ‘Just put it in a ponytail. That’s what I had it in to drop the kids off at university, so it’ll do for this.’ Insist on a black top They’re bringing out all kinds of fancy shit, but you know what suits you and it isn’t fuchsia. Nor is it anything that has too low a neckline or exposes your belly. ‘Haven’t you got a nice V-neck?’ you ask and a runner is sent out to H&M to buy one and cut the labels out. Put your hands in your pockets and look annoyed You’re an actor. You’ve got an Oscar. And still you have to do this kind of shit? You don’t see David Mitchell on the catwalk but apparently you’re brilliant ‘stunt casting’ and the publicity will bring in funding for your next film, so off we bloody go down the catwalk and back. And after this you’ve got to go to a party with K-Pop idols. Your f**king life.

‘Are you a dog person?’ asks dog owner, staring her dog-loving eyes into your shrivelled soul

A MAN who attempted to chat up a woman in a dog park has been outed as a loather of dogs pretty much immediately.  Oliver O’Connor attempted to make conversation with a woman walking some sort of Labrador without letting slip that he secretly does not like dogs, only for her to ask if he was a ‘dog person’ as her very first question. He said: “Oh for f**k’s sake. Couldn’t we do some small talk before going straight to ‘hey, do you vibe with getting attacked and drooled on by hair-shedding vermin?’ “I haven’t even done anything yet and it had to be a fit girl, didn’t it. And within seconds she spots I have no dog, no kindness and no soul. Don’t display fear, dogs can sense it. And whatever you do don’t look at the dog. “F**k I looked at the dog. Now I have to pet the dog. Maybe that will shut the little rat bastard up. No, it’s leaping at me and yes, I’m flinching. I’ve let out a little cry. “What if I’m just honest? ‘No, not really. I find them to be horrendously unhygienic and needy and would hate to wander around a public space holding a thin plastic bag of warm shit. You?’ Ah she’s gone.” Jo Kramer said: “I knew he wasn’t a dog person from the first moment I saw his contemptible face. His kind should be rooted out and destroyed.”

Billy Bragg’s magnificent takedown of Nigel Farage feels even more relevant now than it did then

Question Time is back on our screens and we don’t know if the new run will feature a return appearance by Billy Bragg but, well, fingers crossed. Because the great man’s takedown of Nigel Farage from this time last year feels even more relevant now than it did then. The singer’s one-minute takedown of Nigel […] The Poke.

In case you thought there was even a shred of dignity left in the White House, this NSFW Trump supercut just erased all doubt

Throughout his two Presidential terms, Donald Trump has tirelessly worked to lower the bar of international discourse, political and otherwise. He shouts down reporters, usually women. He mocks the physical appearance of his rivals. He makes up grade school-style nicknames for both friends and foes. He bullied his way to the top of the Republican […] The Poke.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s ‘Meet Your Second Wife’ SNL sketch is going viral and it’s a hilarious must-watch

America’s Saturday Night Live has produced its fair share of iconic comedy over the decades, but few sketches hit quite as hard as ‘Meet Your Second Wife’. It’s deliciously dark and utterly hilarious and we’re so glad that it’s been shared on Twitter by Audu as it’s the first time that we’ve seen it. I […] The Poke.

Donald Trump just shared his secret to living longer and it’s not exactly the fountain of youth he thinks it is

Donald Trump likes to brag about a lot of things. He brags about acing cognitive tests. He brags about his spelling. He brags about being able to walk up stairs. It’s all incredibly embarrassing. But this latest boast might be the most revealing in terms of just how little Trump actually understands about what’s going […] The Poke.

‘What’s a one-liner joke so stupidly good it instantly ruined you?’ – 21 short, sharp and utterly hilarious gags

If there’s anything better in the world than a really good joke, it’s a really good joke which is so pithy and clever that you’re laughing almost before your brain has figured out what’s been said. They’ve been discussing the joy of these gags on the AskReddit page after user Far_Engineering3356 posted this appropriately concise […] The Poke.