The Onion
Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire
The Onion.
Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND—Holding hands in a circle as candles flickered and water glasses trembled, employees of film discovery platform Letterboxd reportedly held a séance Friday to ask James Dean his four favorite movies. “Spirit of Mr. Dean, we’ve got the cameras rolling for our socials here, and we summon you to share your top film picks with our followers,” Letterboxd CEO Matthew Buchanan chanted in an attempt to summon the long-deceased Hollywood icon, explaining that he didn’t want Dean to be excluded from the company’s viral “Four Favorites” interview series just because he had been dead since 1955. “Are Autumn Sonata and The Godfather on your list, or are you one of those guys who chooses Superbad to show that you’re down to earth? Answer us, spirit! You can tell us through the Ouija board, or give us a sign by rattling the cases of any DVDs and Blu-rays you like. Come on, Jimmy, the cinephiles want to know!” At press time, sources confirmed Letterboxd employees had let out a collective gasp as a disembodied voice suddenly croaked, “I prefer TV shows.”
The Onion.
Tips For Increasing Your Fiber Intake
Social media has ignited a recent surge in health-conscious Americans trying to up their fiber consumption. The Onion provides tips for maximizing the amount of fiber in your diet:
Scrutinize food labels for phrases like “gut buster” and “organ hell.”
Toast white bread to convert it to brown, fiber-packed wheat bread.
Shift your diet from 65% dried figs to 85% dried figs.
Incorporate eating a can of beans into your shower routine.
Don’t rule out wicker.
Opt for high-fiber cuisines such as Middle Eastern, Indian, and Horse.
Let the paper straw dissolve completely before drinking your soda.
Mismanage your finances until lentils are all you can afford to eat.
Change nothing about your diet and assume Metamucil will sort it out.
The Onion.
Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator
LOS ANGELES—Smiling to himself as he reflected on all the years his mother and father had discouraged him from chasing his dream, local man Aaron Traylor told reporters Friday that his parents had been forced to eat crow ever since he made it as a Beetlejuice impersonator. “They told me I needed to be studying instead of spending countless hours practicing ‘It’s showtime!’ in my bedroom—but who’s the ghost with the most now?” said Traylor, adding that his parents must be embarrassed to have banned his black-and-white-striped blazer from the house now that he was pulling in upwards of $10 a day posing with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard. “I sometimes imagine them looking at my Instagram with its 102 followers and its promo for the three fright nights at Cedar Point Shopping Centre I’ll be working this Halloween. They’re thinking, ‘Wow. He did this all on his own. Imagine if we’d helped him.’ Well, they didn’t, and guess what? All the other street buskers know my name. From now on, if Mom and Dad want to see me, they’ll have to say my name three times and show me some respect.” When reached for comment, Traylor’s parents told reporters that while they were disappointed in their son, he was still young enough to change course and impersonate Freddy Krueger.
The Onion.
‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still
The Onion.
ClickHole
I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)
OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.
You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.
So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.
A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!
Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.
My heart is still shaking.
I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.
It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.
I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.
I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.
Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender
As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender.
To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time!
From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla.
While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028.
So epic! Your move, Qdoba!
Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations
Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations.
Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize?
According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.
Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean.
What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!
A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Duffel Blog
Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.
Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army
THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step
WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.
Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch
ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.
Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Daily Mash
Six deliciously disappointed twats on Antiques Roadshow
ON Antiques Roadshow? You’re expecting life-changing amounts of money, don’t lie. These are the disappointments we savour when it’s worth nothing but YouTube views:
The skip diver
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, specifically his. He can’t pass a skip without rescuing a painting he’s convinced will buy him an outdoor sauna and hot tub he’s already had quotes for. ‘At auction I estimate perhaps £150,’ the expert says, and his face collapses and in his eyes you can almost see the hot tub being repossessed.
The twentysomething with grandpa’s medals
Great-grandad fought in the war so that must mean a cash payout, right? His descendant, who barely knows his name, says he just wants to know the value for insurance purposes and, y’know, maybe a fortnight in Ibiza? Told their value he nods, crushed, saying they’re priceless anyway and he could never sell them. Not at £15 each he f**king can’t.
The hopeful bargain-hunter
Turns up with mass-produced modern silver bullshit jewellery too ugly to wear. A bit of green on the finger is fine, it came from a car-boot sale so it’s probably vintage Tiffany. Better melted down for scrap value, it transpires. Its owner nods, mentally threatening that bitch on the stall who sold it to her for £8.50.
The family heirloom liquidator
Aunt Christine claims those glasses are Lalique crystal, that they were a wedding gift, and they’re worth thousands. But it turns out they’re those glasses you got for free with petrol in the 70s and a guest fobbed her off. The present turned out to be as much of a con as the marriage. Better sneak them back into the cupboard.
The bright-eyed hopeful
He found this in a charity shop, priced at just 50p, and he knows the first appearance of Spider-Man is worth £32,000. His sharp eyes and shrewd negotiating skills have made him a fortune! Until he’s informed Spectacular Spider-Man 145 is only worth three quid in good condition, and this isn’t. Cue bitter rant that you can’t even trust Oxfam.
The guy who spent a fortune
One way to get on the show is spend shitloads and then say innocently on camera that you too were surprised to find a Romanov treasure in a Basildon car park. Because morons love to believe they’ve tricked the experts. Then they’re told this isn’t a Fabergé egg but a cheap fake. ‘I just liked the design anyway,’ they lie while we laugh.
We ask you: What unnecessarily cruel punishment should Man City suffer?
MANCHESTER City have sinned and must be scourged, for so it is written by the Premier League. What should be their penance?
Steve Malley, organ courier: “The ultimate sanction: a year in the Championship, a two-year transfer ban and a massive fine paid by the owners not the club so it doesn’t affect our budget. Shit. I meant ‘their budget’.”
Helen Archer, architect: “League Two, massive fines, all decent players sold but Pep to manage them. I will see him broken. Broken like St Catherine on a wheel.”
Martin Bishop, supply teacher: “Sorry, would it be alright if I punish Manchester United instead? It’s just they’re the baddies.”
Mary Fisher, vegetable exporter: “Their licence revoked, their stadium razed to the ground, and their pitch sown with salt until they are entirely forgotten. Which given the strength of local support should be about two years.”
Ellie Shaw, piano tuner: “Hey, come on, they’ve not cheated since 2018! Or that’s the last year we have documentation proving they cheated. Sure it’s the same thing.”
Proud French father sees son rioting on news
‘We can’t visit your parents this weekend, I drive a diesel’: how to turn the crisis to your advantage
BOUGHT a diesel car seven years ago, for fuel efficiency? Now being gouged at the pumps? Turn the crisis to your advantage by skipping out on these:
Visiting your partner’s family
“Look, you know how I was looking forward to seeing your mum and dad, and that dog they have that leaps up at you, and sitting there until well after 9pm when you know I’ve got work the next morning waiting for the end of an interminable anecdote about Uncle Roy disputing his council tax. But it’s just not economical.”
Taking the kids to cricket practice
“It’s an absolute tragedy that our nine-year-old will miss out on a full morning’s cricket this Sunday. After all he doesn’t enjoy it, I hate the cricket dads, and even if he were to turn pro it’s hardly a lucrative career. However it’s just not worth the £9.92 it would cost. Maybe we should never go back.”
Doing the big shop
“I would never voluntarily give up trailing around Tesco with you. That Sunday morning shop is the highlight of my weekend. However with the price of diesel it doesn’t make economic sense. We’ll give ordering online a go. We risk liking it so much we no longer sacrifice an hour of weekend to shopping, but we have no option.”
Going to the cinema
“God it hurts me, not going to see Digger on the big screen. I mean the reviews are lacklustre and the trailer looked bad but who cares? Now, though? The cost-benefit ratio makes it unsupportable. We’ll have to stay in and watch Netflix instead. I’ve poured myself a large gin, to cope.”
Attending work
“Sorry, I can’t make it in today. Why? Have you not seen the news? It’s 22 miles to the office, I can’t be doing that kind of mileage. It wouldn’t be worth me working with what it would cost. I’m afraid I’ll be working entirely from home until further notice.”
Leaving the house at all
“Yes technically we’re not using any diesel by going for a walk. But with the Mad Max-style fuel wars Herefordshire has been plunged into, leaving my car unattended on the drive is practically inviting roving gangs of leather-clad siphoners to take advantage. I’ll stay here. Yes this is another large gin. Well, because of diesel.”
Difference between working and non-working Royal impossible to tell with naked eye
A MAN looking at photos of Prince Harry at a Ukraine gala and Prince William at a charity ball cannot for the life of him tell which is the genuine working Royal.
Julian Cook of Ludlow knows full well that Prince William is the heir to the throne, beloved of his people and would never betray the monarchy like his apostate brother, but was disconcerted at how little substantive difference there was between the two.
He said: “Harry made a surprise appearance in black tie at the United For Freedom event at the Imperial War Museum. Meanwhile William appeared virtually at the Bowelbabe Fund Rebel Ball. The only difference I can tell is Harry actually turned up.
“In terms of bringing vital attention to their causes, raising funds to help others and using their celebrity for good, they seem identical. And looking at pictures you can’t actually see any difference at all. In fact Harry looks more Royal because he’s in a tux.
“We can’t continue like this as a nation, unable to tell which is the genuine working Royal blessing us with their saintly presence and which is a rogue Royal only doing it for their own self-serving ends.
“I suggest Harry should have to wear a placard saying ‘unclean’ and ring a bell and his wife should be tarred and feathered. That should eliminate any confusion.”
Prince William said: “I fully back this decision. And I’d actually come along to see it happen. Physically, not just a pre-record.”
The Poke
Donald Trump’s latest unhinged Iran rant was eye-opening enough to listen to but written down it’s simply next level
Donald Trump’s been talking about Iran again and the war (not war) that looks likely to define his return to the White House. Trump memorably said it would be over in a couple of weeks but now it’s been a couple of months and it might very well turn into a matter of years. Way […]
The Poke.
‘What’s a dating mistake you’ll never make again?’ – 23 romantic lessons learned the hard way
When you’re looking for love, it’s rare that the first person you go out for dinner or a drink with ends up being The One. You have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince or princess. But, if the answers to a recent post on the AskReddit page are anything to go […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump promised a healthcare plan where Americans wind up with ‘a lot of money left over’ and these 17 replies prescribed a healthy dose of scepticism
Donald Trump usually spends his rallies making jokes about transgender athletes and complaining about rigged elections. So when he actually addresses one of the biggest issues facing his voters, it’s newsworthy. Such was the case when the President decided to promise a simple solution to one of the most complex problems hampering Americans today: healthcare. […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the things they can’t prove but 100% believe – 17 weird hunches that don’t need evidence
As the old saying goes, seeing is believing. But for certain theories, a gut feeling is all it takes to be convinced. These hunches cover everything from the everyday to who’s really running the world. To hear the strangest things people believe without any basis, u/Leading-Language1 put the following question to r/AskReddit: ‘What’s something you […]
The Poke.
Michael Spicer reckons ‘most TV is just this now’ and he’s so on the money it’s brilliant
The great Michael Spicer has just gone wildly viral with his take on what most TV looks like these days. And with the return of The Great British Bake Off, not to mention Celebrity Traitors and all the rest, it was especially apposite. And he’s so on the money it’s brilliant. Most TV is just […]
The Poke.
