The Onion
Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir
LONDON—In a damning memoir filled with explosive claims about her brutal treatment by the House of Windsor, Diana, the former Princess of Wales, has at long last given the public a firsthand account of her disturbing experiences living with the British royal family. “So many unfounded rumors have been circulating about me and my relationship to the monarchy, so I decided it was time to finally speak out,” Diana said Thursday during a press conference that accompanied the memoir’s release, adding that she had “pulled no punches” when it came to discussing the “troubling words and behavior” of her ex-husband, King Charles III. “Of course, there are many powerful people who would prefer I remain silent, but I am willing to take some risks if it means the world will finally know the truth. My goal with this book is to provide the full story, free from royal influence, of what really went on in Buckingham Palace when I was princess. And I am more than willing to ruffle some very big feathers.” At press time, the book had been roundly condemned by Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
The Onion.
Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit
WASHINGTON—Marveling at how his American counterpart’s grasp of the difficult language had progressed, Chinese leader Xi Jinping told reporters Thursday that he was deeply impressed with how much President Donald Trump’s English had improved since the two last met. “He definitely isn’t fluent, and I doubt he’ll ever get there, but he’s truly come a long way from being unable to pronounce a single word intelligibly,” said Xi, adding that he couldn’t help but admire the confidence with which Trump now uttered rudimentary English sentences and estimating that the president had probably expanded his vocabulary to at least 100 words. “Of course, we certainly couldn’t carry on an actual conversation, as President Trump’s command of English grammar is still quite crude—I had to gently correct him a number of times—but that doesn’t negate all of his effort. I assume he’s been working with a tutor of some sort, and they deserve a lot of credit for helping him get further than I think anyone would’ve ever thought possible.” Xi went on to say that Trump’s comprehension of the language was still so poor that the Chinese delegation could use English to openly discuss sensitive issues in his presence without fear he would understand them.
The Onion.
Record Executives Release Katseye For Daily Half Hour Of Yard Time
LOS ANGELES—Sounding a loud buzzer to signal that the pop stars were now permitted to leave the dance studio, Hybe x Geffen record executives were seen Thursday releasing Katseye for their daily half hour of yard time. “We make sure our global girl group members get a solid 30 minutes of outdoor recreation for every grueling 12-hour rehearsal,” said record executive Lenzo Yoon, who noted that the regular daily breaks gave the “Gnarly” and “Hootie Frutti” performers a chance to see the sun, exercise, and socialize. “Other than meal time, this is probably their favorite part of the day. They can smoke, pump iron for a bit, get something from the commissary—whatever they want, as long as they don’t leave our sight line.” At press time, Katseye member Megan Skiendiel had reportedly had her yard privileges revoked after Hybe x Geffen executives discovered her attempting to construct a shovel out of a microphone.
The Onion.
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
WASHINGTON—Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. “I remember seeing him on TV and thinking, ‘No, that can’t be Kash,’ but sure enough, there he was, addressing the nation about a missing person case,” said Daisy, noting that she was surprised she even remembered their sexual rendezvous, which occurred after a long night of heavy drinking. “When I woke up the next morning, I immediately snuck out of his apartment and hoped I’d never run into him again. I was so embarrassed. Sure, he’s tried to message me a few times over the last decade. He’s been obsessed with me ever since we hooked up, but I never replied, because I just assumed he was still a total fucking loser. Christ, he looks a lot worse now.” At press time, Daisy questioned whether she should get in touch with Patel and mention the litter he had sired with her.
The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson
Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what’s next.
The Onion : What creative liberties did you take with the role of Chris Hansen?
Pattinson: Instead of “Why don’t you take a seat?” I say “By the stars that glow and the moon’s silken light, my powers now activate, pedophiles take flight!”
Do you have any expectations for awards season?
I hope to be named Wirecutter ’s best air purifier of 2026.
What’s your greatest fear?
Being pigeonholed as nothing more than a once-in-a-generation thespian.
How do you choose your roles?
After I read the script I use it as a towel, and if it dries me off I take the role.
What role do you most frequently get recognized for?
My star turn in The Life And Times Of Robby P, a film I made on my iPhone a couple years ago.
If you had to disappear tomorrow, where would you go?
There’s a little village in St. Kitts where everyone knows me as Razor.
Any advice for aspiring actors?
Try to get your foot in the door by starring in movies.
What’s next for you?
Gaining 200 pounds and becoming infamously difficult.
The Onion.
ClickHole
A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Duffel Blog
Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch
ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.
Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Daily Mash
My school run doesn’t have a clique of Yummy Mummies at the gates, because I’m in Warrington
By Hannah Tomlinson, aged 38, who was ready and willing to have an affair with one of the hot dads
I WAS all ready for the school run. Miu Miu coat. Mulberry bag. Devastating list of my children’s achievements. Then nothing happened, because I’m in Warrington.
I joined the throng around the gates, waiting for our children to depart and for a wave of competitive boasting to begin. Would we be aggressively comparing our husband’s jobs? Our Etsy stores? Houses, cars, holidays? As it turned out, none of them.
No, when our little ones wandered in, the other mothers turned around and silently departed. I was left there, chai latte in hand, mouth agape, with nobody to tell about the triathlon I’m doing in May.
I tried again the next day. ‘Can anyone hook me up with a private tutor?’ I asked. ‘Isabella’s struggling with her Spanish.’ Blank looks. ‘They’ve got teachers at the school,’ one drab mother who can’t have spent even an hour on her hair muttered.
Okay, so this crowd isn’t aspirational! Though still managing to ostracise me, I noted, impressed. 3pm was no different. I announced my intention to organise a fundraising gala to shrugs. Where was these mothers’ combative spirit?
My husband’s bonus? Nothing. Our plans to build a basement swimming pool and home cinema? Nothing. Our half-term trip to the opening gala for Santander’s new art museum? Either they’re hiding it very well or they actually weren’t jealous.
I told my husband it was a mistake to move here. In anywhere civilised I’d already be at war with the ruling clique after they shut me out of the PTA for having the wrong kind of Cockapoo. We’re moving back to Islington.
Six bribes from world leaders to Trump now the bar’s been set at ‘two pandas’
CHINA’S Xi Jinping has stunned rivals by bribing Trump with two adult panda bears. How are other world leaders going to beat that?
Anthony Albanese, Australia
You can’t top Oz when it comes to exotic animals, mate. We’ll give him a numbat, a duck-billed platypus, a Tasmanian devil, a breeding population of chlamydia-infected koalas, a couple of cassowaries, a dropbear and a genuine boxing kangaroo that hops around and beats shit out of people. All on the condition he leaves us the f**k alone.
Vladimir Putin, Russia
F**k animals. I will give him what any dictator truly craves: territory. Ukraine is part of Russia obviously, nobody disputes that, but once it has been reunited with the motherland my forces will march on and when we conquer the EU we shall award him whichever countries he should choose. We just need to get past this bit we’re stuck in. Any day now.
Kim Jong-un, North Korea
From one lonely leader to another, I shall give the gift of friendship. Understanding. The empathy of another man who has hit the peak, who has climbed higher than lesser men ever could, and still craves the world’s respect. We will hold hands.
Lee Jae Myung, South Korea
Typically cheap gift. If what Trump truly desires is exotic pets, we shall give him the most exotic of all: his own K-pop band. Called QEEDTH, they will comprise four boys and five girls raised in complete isolation from all human contact, trained to perform sterile hip hop in a foreign language and never to make eye contact.
Andy Burnham, UK
Britain doesn’t have any exotic animals because it is at heart a deeply boring country. But we do have music, so I’ve given him Adele, Morrissey, Robbie Williams, Ian Astbury and Matthew Murphy, lead singer of The Wombats. Hopefully he won’t realise they all already live in LA so I’ve put a big shiny ribbon on f**k all.
Javier Milei, Argentina
I give him penguins – Gentoo, Magellanic, Rockhopper and King varieties – the steamer duck, the Cobb’s wren, and many, many sheep. And I also give him the territory these animals live upon, Las Malvinas or as you call it, the Falkland Islands. Try getting that back off him, Britain.
Man nostalgic for softcore porn
A MAN is pining for the days of tastefully shot softcore porn that did not feature stepmoms or being stuck in washing machines.
Wistful masturbator Martin Bishop, 38, has grown weary of the gangbangs, JOI videos and sploshing pornography he has no choice but to wank over, and would rather look at teasing photos of women in bikinis instead.
He said: “My teenage self would be gobsmacked that I’m admitting this, but I’ve had my fill of watching people f**k. I guess with age comes an appreciation for the simpler things in life.
“Just as people have rediscovered the value of physical media, I think society should bring back the humble Page 3 calendar. Each picture of Samantha Fox or Linda Lusardi folding their arms over their tits will be a reminder of better times.
“We were too quick to move past photo shoots of women washing cars in their undies. Nothing in the vast repository of online porn can beat their eroticism. And I should know, I’ve done the exhausting research.
“Modern porn has its charms, but it relies on too many gimmicks. Angela White doesn’t need to do a bukkake session to get me going, she’s hot enough as is. I’ll still watch it, but I have my reservations.”
Bishop’s wife Emma said: “I agree. Awkwardly watching Baywatch with your parents was a character-building rite of passage. We tried settling down in front of Pornhub on the living room telly, but it’s just not the same.”
A statue of yourself, and other tasteful Rooney decor you can have at home
THE Rooneys have shown off their mansion in a new documentary. But while you may not have their millions, you can recreate the most beautiful features in your own home. Here’s how:
A statue of yourself
Like the one of Wayne, this will be a real conversation piece and a lovely boost to your self-esteem. Might it come across as egotistical? Not a chance. It’s a design choice popular with countless perfectly normal people like Stalin, Mussolini and Saddam Hussein.
Funny neon signs
These are hilarious. The Rooneys have several, including one that says: ‘Welcome to the madhouse!’ It’s funny because it’s not really a secure mental institution, it’s their house, and it’s so original too. Another says ‘Eat Sleep Game Repeat’, although that might just be instructions to remind none-too-bright Wayne to not simply stand motionless all day.
Chandelier in the hallway
A chandelier will immediately establish for visitors that you are dead f**king posh and not common as shit. The Rooneys’ appears to be two or three metres in height, but if you’re unsure what size to get, use the simple rule of thumb: could it kill a horse?
Chandeliers everywhere
There’s no excuse for normal light fittings when you can have 18th Century grandeur instead. Install mini-chandeliers everywhere, including the shed, loft and downstairs toilet. Who doesn’t love to feel like Marie Antoinette when they’re taking a dump?
Make everything cream
Cream is the classiest colour, so all rooms should be painted cream with cream carpets. All furniture and accessories such as cushions must also be cream. You can tell if your home is cream-coloured enough if more vibrant colours like orange give you a headache. Then ensure that everywhere is spotlessly clean and free of clutter for a vibe that is wonderfully bland, sterile and – above all – cream.
A split staircase
Not really that practical to install in a semi, but worth it for the pointless grandiosity. And great for depressed dads whose dreams have been crushed by suburban family life, who can pretend for a wonderful but fleeting moment that they’re Al Pacino in Scarface.
Games room
Every aspirational family has one of these, and a room just for your PlayStation, pool table, Wii and so on is both practical and fun. Kids will love it, and dads too, because aren’t all men just big kids at heart? Apart from when they shag prostitutes, obviously.
Woman totally into platonic friendship
A WOMAN is thoroughly enjoying a relationship with a man where there is absolutely no chance of them ever having sex.
Lauren Hewitt and Jordan Gardner are always meeting for coffee and hanging out, something she values deeply because there is no pressure on them when sex is completely off the table.
Hewitt said: “I love being friends with Jordan. He’s so funny and cracks me up all the time, so I always seem really happy and interested when I’m with him. But it’s just because he’s funny, obviously.
“You know what’s interesting? My brother always used to make me laugh, so Jordan reminds me of him. I should introduce them. That would be amazing, like having two lovely, protective brothers. Naturally I’ve told Jordan this.
“It’s not just the jokes, he’s a really thoughtful, perceptive guy. He’ll say things like ‘I bet people think we’re going out together’ and when you think about it I suppose they could make that mistake. I love talking about interesting hypothetical situations that could never happen.”
Hewitt has spoken so highly of Gardner that even her current ‘shag buddy’ Jack Browne is eager to meet him.
Browne said: “Lauren even trusts Jordan enough to meet a ‘friend with benefits’ because she knows there’ll be no judgement there. It’s great they’ve got such a close friendship. They’re both so lucky.”
The Poke
This Daniel Thomas supporter made an unfortunate schoolboy error and the more we watch the funnier it gets
You’ll know about Daniel Thomas – or Danny Tommo to the hard of thinking – the far-right activist who’s been charged over the alleged slashing of a dinghy in the English Channel. Thomas pleaded not guilty to criminal damage, and also not guilty to a separate charge of failing to dispose his PIN to his […]
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Who is your biggest “I knew them in high school”? – 17 people who had incredibly famous classmates
It’s easy to lose track of classmates after school. Lives go in different directions and your priorities change. That’s unless your old classmate becomes so famous it’s impossible to avoid them. Reddit user CelesteFan234 wanted to hear about people who shared a class with future A-listers, so they put the following question to r/AskReddit: ‘Who […]
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‘What’s the most embarrassing way you’ve discovered that your cultural references are obsolete?’ – 21 people who think they’re still making Top of the Pops
Remember being a kid and being unable to comprehend how your parents didn’t know, or, more shockingly, even care, which bands were in the charts? Well, we all end up there eventually, whether we like it or not. Over on the AskUK subdreddit, they’ve been discussing getting left behind by the fast pace of changing […]
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This finger-pointing ‘patriot’ on Question Time prompted no end of comebacks but no-one said it better than the woman sitting next to him
To the studios of BBC1’s Question Time – again! – where a finger-pointing ‘patriot’ prompted no end of comment with his entirely predictable views on people trying to come to this country on small boats and the balaclava-wearing protestors trying to stop them (and the RNLI volunteers from saving them). He definitely watches GB News […]
The Poke.
Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
After what seems to have been seven Mondays in a raincoat, masquerading as a normal week, it’s finally Friday – which means it’s time for us to share the things that have made us laugh on Twitter this week. We like to think that there’s something for everyone, but if we’ve missed out your favourite, […]
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