White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats’ Great American State Fair

WASHINGTON—Expressing delight at the complete humiliation of their political opponents, White House officials on Monday gleefully mocked the paltry attendance at Democrats’ Great American State Fair. “To no one’s surprise, the Democrats and their socialist allies botched America’s 250th anniversary with a so-called celebration that absolutely no one showed up for,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that it must have been mortifying for Democratic luminaries such as Nancy Pelosi and Zohran Mamdani to hype the event for months only to have a full line-up of ’80s has-beens back out of performing. “I mean, did you see all those empty booths? And the stalled Ferris wheel and the ice cream melting from power outages? You’d think the deep state would be a bit more organized, but then again with Sleepy Joe at the controls, what do you expect? I do give them credit for one thing, though: We’re all talking about this disaster instead of the Epstein files, which, come to think of it, is probably what Democrats wanted all along.” Leavitt added that things will be different if America rises up and puts a Republican in the Oval Office in 2028. The Onion.

Player Profile: Lionel Messi

Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina’s Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner. Age: 39, minus stoppage time Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer Catchphrase: “…” Net Worth: Can’t complain Pre-Match Ritual: Eating a little grass to acclimate to the field Least Favorite Part Of Sport: Having to kick the beautiful soccer balls Special Talent: Can also use his feet to cook Favorite Thing About Miami: Starting over where nobody knows his name Grandparents’ Activity During WW2: Hopefully just soccer Signature Celebration: Pointing to sky to thank a bird he saw The Onion.

Only 11 Hours From The Beach

With this practically coastal retreat, breathtaking ocean breezes and the soothing sound of waves are only a day-long car ride and a few state lines away, depending on traffic. Reference #78339 The Onion.

Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10); } Stars Share Their Plans For The Summer Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. Explore the list in detail Sabrina Carpenter “I have a big stack of books that I’m excited to sit on so I can safely drive.” Ariana Grande “I’m going to a spa in Switzerland where they kill you.” Ina Garten “I say I’ll do this every summer, but this time I actually mean it: I’m going to cast out the ghost that’s living in my fridge.” MrBeast “Evading the authorities.” Simu Liu “Laying out all my clothes for the fall.” Russell Brand “Whatever I do, I’ll deny it’s sex tourism.” Michael B. Jordan “Coconuts, pineapples, and little wedges of lime—yeah, it’s safe to say I’ll be spending a lot of time in the produce section.” Sydney Sweeney “I’m going to politicize Popsicles.” Chappell Roan “PR damage control for something that hasn’t happened yet.” Jacob Elordi “I’ll be attending NASA space camp with several of my close friends.” Noah Wyle “Filming our upcoming The Pitt: Aloha Means Work Family Hawaiian summer special.” Selena Gomez “My plans for the summer will have no impact on you whatsoever. I urge you to do a great deal of soul-searching until you understand why knowing more about my personal life and hobbies would satisfy you in any way.” Andy Dick “Waking up in a sack in the ocean.” Jack Harlow “I will be defending my thesis at Howard University.” Tom Hanks “Isolate in my remote bunker so Jamie Foxx can’t get me.” Jamie Foxx “Get Tom Hanks.” The Onion.

Travis Kelce Reserves Seat At Reception For SpongeBob Just In Case

NEW YORK—Fastening the paper sign to a chair “just in case,” Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly reserved a seat at his wedding reception Monday for SpongeBob. “I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up and that Mr. SquarePants is a really busy guy, but man, it would be cool as hell if he did show up,” said the 36-year-old groom, who told reporters he had been doing double takes all day every time he saw a short guy in a tie out of the corner of his eye. “He doesn’t even need to bring a present, he can just give me a high-five and give an epic toast about jellyfishing. It’s a bit of a long shot, I know, but I’ve been throwing invitations into the ocean since last fall, so he’s had plenty of time to get the time off approved by Mr. Krabs.” At press time, Taylor Swift was reportedly expressing concern after noticing Kelce had moved the chair reserved for SpongeBob right between theirs at the head table. The Onion.

Local Church Under Fire For 'Book Of Judges' VBS Theme

MARBLE FALLS, TX — A local church found itself under fire this week after this year's Vacation Bible School theme centered around the biblical book of Judges, complete with lessons on murder by jawbone and swords engulfed in belly fat.

Kansas City Royals Somehow Find Way To Lose On Day When They Didn't Play

KANSAS CITY, MO — In an achievement unprecedented in the history of Major League Baseball, the Kansas City Royals somehow managed to find a way to lose on a day when they didn't play a game.

James Bond Granted License To Kill Anyone With An Air Conditioner

LONDON — In an effort to modernize MI6 for the eco-conscious era, the British government announced that the organization had officially granted James Bond a license to kill anyone with an air conditioner.

National Weather Service Announces Everyone Is Going To Die Tonight Or Absolutely Nothing Is Going To Happen, One Of The Two

SILVER SPRING, MD — The National Weather Service issued a weather alert on Monday announcing that tonight, everyone is going to die, or absolutely nothing is going to happen, but it's definitely one of the two.

7 Tips For Europeans To Stay Cool Without Air Conditioning

Europeans typically do without air conditioning, presumably because they are perpetually stuck in the Dark Ages and far more interested in burning witches to appease the environment gods. But given the current heat wave, millions of Europeans are now looking for the best ways to stay cool without AC.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously

THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.

Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean

The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.

Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'

THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.

You won’t believe this clickbait middle-aged sex problem I’m having!

MY sex problem is incredibly shocking and also hot, but to read about it in today’s Daily Mail you’ll have to click on the link. Do it now – there might be tits and cocks! The problem – which I’m not going to reveal immediately – happened when I got back on the dating scene after my divorce. Imagine that, my MILFy self, starved of sex, ready to try out new stuff with different guys. See, it was a good idea to click. Anyway, I’d been on a few dates which were pleasant enough, but none had ignited my passions. That was until I met Steve. Confident, successful, muscular, he was just my type and soon I invited him to spend the night. So there I was, in my sexual prime, lying on the bed in lingerie, gagging to be banged until I was screaming with pleasure, which is what you clicked for. But then it all went wrong. Horribly, hideously, salaciously wrong. Steve was wearing tatty old boxer shorts with holes in them. ‘What the f**k?’ I hear you shouting. ‘That’s a really stupid problem, and not very original either. You can easily solve it by buying a f**king £20 pack of boxer shorts! I subscribed to Daily Mail+ for this! It’s £9.99 a month after the trial period ends, you f**king deceitful cow!’ True, but after seeing Steve’s moth-eaten pants with unmentionable stains I couldn’t go through with sex and the evening was ruined. You expected something way freakier, like him being an adult baby or my discovery I’m into being spanked, but I’m afraid that’s it. I think we can all agree dating in middle-age articles are a minefield. But will you ever stop clicking? Unlikely. I’ve written one for next week that implies it’s about anal but disappointingly turns out to be vaginal dryness. See you there.

Manchester thinks it’s the centre of the universe, complain Londoners

LONDONERS tired of Manchester’s arrogant attitude and its residents’ belief the world revolves around them are keen to remind it that other places exist. Andy Burnham’s plans to establish a No 10 North in Manchester have prompted outcry from Londoners who feel their much-neglected city has a lot to offer, like a palace the King does not like enough to live in and a few parks. Tom Booker of Islington said: “The media’s calling it Manchesterism. I’m calling it for what it is: more bullshit northern bias. “Yes, it’s got the most successful football teams. Yes, it’s got bands like Oasis when all we’ve got is long-forgotten Britpop act Suede and a niche grime scene. But newsflash, guys, there is a world outside the M60.” Emma Bradford from Hackney said: “What more does Manchester want? HS2? “London actually has a lot to offer, not that you’ll read about it in the biased Manchester Guardian or the rest of our Northern press. We have galleries, we have theatres, we have culture. There are even a few trendy bars serving cocktails! “But unlike Mancs, we don’t let it go to our heads. They could learn from our humble London ways. We don’t brag, we don’t lord it over our neighbours. We’re simple, Hobbit-like folk dwelling in peace in our Shire, apart from all the knife crime.” Wayne Hayes of Manchester said: “London? Yeah I had to change trains there once.”

White working-class children failed by education, say people who’ve never shared a desk with them

I have reached the stage of my marriage when I need to get out of the f**king house

THE Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the f**king kids, that is what she will do.  Kate completed the challenge of summiting the three highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales and described not being whined at by her children or husband for a whole day as the ‘most fulfilling experience of her life.’ The 44-year-old said: “It’s settled. I’m a climber now. They can’t get me up here. “I considered a marathon, but Wills said they’d be there to cheer me on every step of the way so I immediately decided ‘f**k that’. “Instead, in the name of charity or some shit, I shall be climbing every mountain in Scotland exceeding 3,000ft in height. Where I will encounter only taciturn men swathed in Gore-Tex also up here to avoid their families. “God, the peace of standing on that peak, gazing at the horizon, thinking ‘Even if Louis wanted a biscuit or my husband wanted to bitch about his brother, it would be nine hours before they could get up here to tell me.’ It’s the greatest feeling in the world.” Prince William said: “Wouldn’t it be nice to all surprise Mummy in a helicopter?”

Could you replace Emma Raducanu as Britain’s great hope for Wimbledon? A quiz

BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?  Have you ever played tennis? A) Not since primary school, where 80 per cent of the time was spent retrieving the ball. But it’s hitting a ball, how hard can it be? B) Yes. I was a child prodigy who started playing at the age of four. Come at me. Do you know the rules? A) Er, get the ball over the net, keep it within the lines, don’t twat the umpire. That’s pretty much it, right? B) Of course. You don’t win the women’s singles in 2002 if you don’t know that ‘love’ is tennis-speak for ‘zero’. What is your current world ranking? A) Christ, no idea. Probably, what, four billionth? Let’s just say I’m a wildcard entry. B) I forget. Once you’re the only player to accomplish a Career Gold Slam across singles and doubles you stop bothering to keep track. Do you currently have a sporting injury? A) Not yet. But I haven’t done any exercise since year 11 PE, so even warming up could kill me. B) Even if I did, it wouldn’t stop me. I am a formidable tennis-playing machine who’s more likely to injure other people with my 128.6 mph serves. Can you be in Wimbledon until July 12th? A) It’s a bit short notice. But with three and a half million in prize money up for grabs, it’s worth pulling a big sickie. B) I’m already there. I’m playing Maya Joint shortly. Watch and learn, bitches. Answers Mostly As: You are grossly underqualified and even attempting to lift a racket could lose you the game. However there’s nothing the British public likes more than cheering on an underdog, so can you get to Centre Court by 1.45pm? Mostly Bs: You cannot represent Britain at Wimbledon because you are American tennis player Serena Williams. Even if you pass a citizenship test in the next couple of hours you still wouldn’t be able to qualify. Shame, really, we could use a player like you now our only good ones are injured or retired.

Brian Cox worked out the mass of the observable Universe in units we can all relate to and James May’s magnificent follow-up took it to a whole new level

You don’t have to entirely understand what’s being discussed here to appreciate it, and thank goodness for that. It all began – sort of – with a discussion about how many stars there are in the observable Universe. I am completely perplexed here. Avogadro's number is set by convention. It could just a easily be […] The Poke.

Trump shared an AI image of a giant, tacky, gold eagle on the front of the White House, and it reeeeally reminded people of something else

President Tacky has been at it again, and by ‘it’, we mean posting AI slop instead of getting on with his actual job – like signing health bills and trivial stuff like that. "A Golden Gift to the White House for its 250th Birthday Year!" – President Donald J. Trump 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/XV2sk6smcf — The White […] The Poke.

People reckoned David Beckham didn’t exactly look overjoyed to return from the World Cup to take his mum to Wimbledon and the more we watch, the funnier it gets

It feels almost impossible right now to switch on any sporting event and not find David Beckham watching from the stands. After turning up at basically every World Cup match we’ve watched so far, he was only at blooming Wimbledon on Monday night, on what is apparently a traditional annual visit with his mum, gawd […] The Poke.

Kirstie Allsopp was furious with Bafta for saying Penelope Keith had ‘passed’ and this A++ response was to the manor born

Sad news today that the great Penelope Keith has died, aged 86. To readers of a certain age she was one of the brightest stars of the golden age of homegrown TV sitcoms and nowhere better than as Margo Leadbetter in The Good Life (before starring in another huge comedy hit, To The Manor Born). […] The Poke.

Nigel Farage said Andy Burnham ‘doesn’t get’ that Britain is broken, and got owned into the sunlit uplands – 19 votes of no confidence

It’s looking highly unlikely that Andy Burnham will face competition for the leadership of Labour, and will probably be the prime minister on July 20th. He’s certainly acting as though it’s a done deal, which is why – on Monday – he set out the central core of his vision for the country. Good growth […] The Poke.