Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists

QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists. “The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule when engaging with females, or know how to deploy a neg to depress an HB’s [hot babe’s] confidence,” said Patel, adding that he would immediately loosen FBI wardrobe guidelines to accommodate the leopard-patterned fur coats, bedazzled tank tops, and oversized fedoras required for peacocking. “Most agents are sixes who could be pulling smoking-hot tens if they had the right tools, which is why it’s imperative they work closely with the PUA community. When they’re not keeping America safe, I want the FBI sarging at the clubs, armed with the proven, psychology-based techniques I myself use to this day.” Reached for comment, one FBI agent who did not wish to be named told reporters The Game came out in 2005 and only old creeps tried working that pickup artist shit now. The Onion.

Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. “Welp, that was fun, but we’ve got our fill,” the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, or wherever kick the ball back and forth, Americans were ready to thank everyone involved and move on to something else. “It was fun and all, and we’ll be sure to tune in again in four years. But for now, that’s plenty of soccer—no need to overdo it. Everyone can gather their scarves and drums and face paint, make their way to airports, and go back to their homes. We’ll just say that Europe won. That work for everyone?” The report concluded that a future global soccer tournament wasn’t out of the question as long as it could be wrapped up in a day or two. The Onion.

Escaped Giraffe Unable To Be Located

A 3-year-old giraffe is missing after escaping a ranch in Texas two weeks ago, with search helicopters turning up nothing. What do you think? “This is why you always walk your giraffe on a leash.” Alice Beale, Cactus Farmer “She’s probably a burger by now.” Steve Frantz, Tire Inflater “Maybe they need a more specific description?” Chuck Staub, Glass Duster The Onion.

Elaine Gardener

Elaine Gardener’s loved ones can rest easy knowing the 63-year-old passed after having finally completed the Devil’s Dozen Challenge at Sliders Bar & Grill. The Onion.

Last Living Millennial Dies

The Onion.

Local Church Under Fire For 'Book Of Judges' VBS Theme

MARBLE FALLS, TX — A local church found itself under fire this week after this year's Vacation Bible School theme centered around the biblical book of Judges, complete with lessons on murder by jawbone and swords engulfed in belly fat.

Kansas City Royals Somehow Find Way To Lose On Day When They Didn't Play

KANSAS CITY, MO — In an achievement unprecedented in the history of Major League Baseball, the Kansas City Royals somehow managed to find a way to lose on a day when they didn't play a game.

James Bond Granted License To Kill Anyone With An Air Conditioner

LONDON — In an effort to modernize MI6 for the eco-conscious era, the British government announced that the organization had officially granted James Bond a license to kill anyone with an air conditioner.

National Weather Service Announces Everyone Is Going To Die Tonight Or Absolutely Nothing Is Going To Happen, One Of The Two

SILVER SPRING, MD — The National Weather Service issued a weather alert on Monday announcing that tonight, everyone is going to die, or absolutely nothing is going to happen, but it's definitely one of the two.

7 Tips For Europeans To Stay Cool Without Air Conditioning

Europeans typically do without air conditioning, presumably because they are perpetually stuck in the Dark Ages and far more interested in burning witches to appease the environment gods. But given the current heat wave, millions of Europeans are now looking for the best ways to stay cool without AC.

5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)

We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer. 1. It’s hot out. Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps! 2. There’s sunshine! When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE! 3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS? Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work! 4. You can reconnect with nature.  Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more! 5. Swimming.  Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!

Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June

No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!   It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!   When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!   Throw some latkes on the BBQ!   There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!   Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!   Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!   Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!   Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!

Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’

As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.  Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!  In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.  If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.  This is definitely an idea whose time has come.  Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.

Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden

Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.  Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it! As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.  “You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.” While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission. Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.  No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!

Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good

So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!

Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously

THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.

Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: Every Duffel Blog story The complete archive Exclusive newsletters and features The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean

The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.

Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'

THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.

David Beckham present at all sporting events simultaneously

Idiot Britons theorise that cake must be better if bought from a shed

CREDULOUS cretins throughout the UK have managed to convince themselves that shed cake will taste much nicer than normal cake. Hypnotised by the novel sales technique of placing cake in a small wooden outbuilding by a road and trusting buyers to leave cash, drooling morons now believe such cake must, logically, be superior. Halfwit Tom Booker said: “This isn’t shop cake, or café cake, or any of those boring cakes. This is shed cake. “It’s homemade, because they say it is, and look at the size of their house. Their kitchen probably has an island and granite worktops. If they’re that wealthy they must be incredible at making cake like Nigella is.” Fellow bonehead Helen Archer said: “I have to try it because I jump on any new food trend and cake from a shed is one of those trends. I bet it’s absolutely brilliant, especially at these prices. “Look, it’s all professionally packaged as if the person is running a business, even though they’re not because it’s in a shed. And you can’t have cream or anything because you can’t refrigerate a shed. So it’s essentially blondies and brownies. But from a shed.” On leaving £5.50 in the honesty box for a brownie, Archer bit into it and said: “Oh. It’s just cake.”

19 Northern cliches to employ when discussing Andy Burnham, for Southerners who’ve never been there

NEVER visited the North? No need, as you’ve heard what it’s like? Keep this list of Northern cliches on hand to drop in for any discussion of Andy Burnham’s politics:  Pies They live on pies in the North! They eat pies for every meal, and those meals are breakfast, dinner and tea. ‘Lunch’ is unknown up there, and ‘brunch’ an obscenity. Chips with gravy Though they also eat chips with gravy, which is disgusting or assumed to be. Gravy is for roast potatoes which are entirely different from chips. Chips with curry sauce Though you may, if you’ve met someone who’s been to the North in the last 40 years, have heard of this exotic combination. What will they get up to next? Terraced houses The entire of the North is terraced and all its denizens only have back yards. Forget anything you might have heard about, for example, Cheshire. Coronation Street Yes! You’ve heard of this! And reference it to Northerners, not realising that Hilda Ogden and ducks on the wall were 40 years ago and it’s now a lurid murder melodrama. Rain Also, unlike in the sun-blessed South, in the North it rains constantly. Which will make Northerners roll their eyes, annoyed, not conceding this one is actually true. Keeping pigeons It is established fact that every man in the North has a pigeon loft and his pigeons are the only thing he shows emotion to. Though he is allowed to cry when his pet kestrel dies. Flat caps Worn at all times for keeping off the rain and the pigeon shit. Not wearing coats Though no Northerner ever wears a coat, no matter how inclement the weather. They are too hard for that. Always wearing coats Apart from the ones who are always in anoraks. What you’ve done here is confuse Manchester and Newcastle, which are 106 miles apart. Still, it’s all the North to you. Liam Gallagher Manchester’s most famous son and fully representative of the entire city. Every Mancunian man is a swaggering simian incapable of rational thought who starts fights with bins. Morrissey Unless he’s a wet blanket with NHS glasses and a back pocket full of gladioli, moaning pretentiously about poetry. Not so easy, this cliche business. Working down t’pit Now we’re back to the good stuff. Though actual Northerners will be downers about it by bringing up a) mining’s death toll and b) Thatcher closing them. Coal in the bath This was a joke in the 1950s and not funny then. Scraping the barrel a bit? Are all Southerners Yuppies with red-framed glasses living in Canary Wharf? Nora Batty Ah, the scowling muse of Yorkshire, sweeping her steps with wrinkled stockings. Not entirely representative of the North but yes, every Northerner’s known one. Pints of bitter You do realise that pair these with the aforementioned flat cap and a lit Rothmans and you’ve entirely encapsulated the look and personality of cosplaying politician Nigel Farage? Vimto The favoured Northern cordial, with a statue in Manchester not far from the statue of Alan Turing, the gay man who invented computers. But sure, focus on the Vimto. Mancs vs Scousers It is true there is a long-running rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool. It’s also true that go back three generations in the family of any Mancunian and you’ll find Scousers, and vice versa. Ferrets Yes! Ferrets! Every Northerner has one of more pet ferrets, usually kept within the trousers. Please stay south of Watford. They cherish your idiocy there. Ey-up! F**k off.

Man insists on giving obvious villain of girlfriend’s story benefit of the doubt

A DESPICABLE bastard of a boyfriend is on thin ice after being openly unsure if the person his partner is telling an anecdote about is an obviously malevolent idiot.  Hannah Tomlinson came home from work furious about an outrage committed toward her and only required the man who is supposed to love her to give his full, uncompromising support which he singularly failed to do. She said: “I was telling Joe about this twat at work who did something utterly moronic, as usual. He already knows the backstory. His role could not have been clearer. “But in the middle of what I was saying, just as the extent of her malice was about to become apparent, he cuts in with, ‘Well, it sounds like Mary was just trying to help’. “I explained he does not know her, has no idea what she’s like, and added that if that is how he feels maybe he should just go to Mary’s house and tell her since clearly he loves her and wants to shag her. What an absolutely useless prick.” Boyfriend Joe Turner said: “According to Hannah, she said the meeting notes needed writing up, it wasn’t specifically delegated to Mary, she did it anyway but nobody had told her what format to use. I failed to see the villainy in that. “I thought this would show I was actually listening to the story, not just mindlessly agreeing. I see now that was a mistake. “Thankfully, Hannah’s being completely rational about it and has asked if I want Mary’s, who’s 62 and married, home address so I can tell her how great she is and we can arrange a tryst.”

You won’t believe this clickbait middle-aged sex problem I’m having!

MY sex problem is incredibly shocking and also hot, but to read about it in today’s Daily Mail you’ll have to click on the link. Do it now – there might be tits and cocks! The problem – which I’m not going to reveal immediately – happened when I got back on the dating scene after my divorce. Imagine that, my MILFy self, starved of sex, ready to try out new stuff with different guys. See, it was a good idea to click. Anyway, I’d been on a few dates which were pleasant enough, but none had ignited my passions. That was until I met Steve. Confident, successful, muscular, he was just my type and soon I invited him to spend the night. So there I was, in my sexual prime, lying on the bed in lingerie, gagging to be banged until I was screaming with pleasure, which is what you clicked for. But then it all went wrong. Horribly, hideously, salaciously wrong. Steve was wearing tatty old boxer shorts with holes in them. ‘What the f**k?’ I hear you shouting. ‘That’s a really stupid problem, and not very original either. You can easily solve it by buying a f**king £20 pack of boxer shorts! I subscribed to Daily Mail+ for this! It’s £9.99 a month after the trial period ends, you f**king deceitful cow!’ True, but after seeing Steve’s moth-eaten pants with unmentionable stains I couldn’t go through with sex and the evening was ruined. You expected something way freakier, like him being an adult baby or my discovery I’m into being spanked, but I’m afraid that’s it. I think we can all agree dating in middle-age articles are a minefield. But will you ever stop clicking? Unlikely. I’ve written one for next week that implies it’s about anal but disappointingly turns out to be vaginal dryness. See you there.

The doorbell camera footage of a tired nurse’s funny attempt at opening the door had people sharing their own exhaustion-fails

The beauty of the Ring e-doorbell (other brands are available) is that it captures those notable moments that would otherwise go unseen. One such moment happened in 2022, when this exhausted health worker got home and forgot where he was. Ring explained – ‘Will is an Emergency Room Nurse Technician, and one day when he […] The Poke.

Of all the takes on Trump’s calamitous 250th State Fair celebration, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s devastating one-liner was hard to beat

Calling out Donald Trump is nothing new to New York State Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She’s called him out on his very obvious cognitive decline: 🚨 BREAKING: AOC just called out the media for spending years fixated on Biden’s cognition while barely touching Trump’s very real cognitive decline and escalating erratic behavior. None of this is […] The Poke.

A couple told the BBC how packed lunches helped them retire at 40 and got precisely the responses they deserved

Financial advice time now, and a couple who had a hot tip for anyone who wants to retire by the time they turn 40 (what do you mean that was years ago?). Well, here’s their tip anyway – make your own packed lunch. We had packed lunches every day for 10 years and retired at […] The Poke.

Donald Trump was asked about housing affordability and his answer isn’t just saying the quiet part out loud, it’s screaming it from the roof tops

This may be shocking to hear, but the man who wants to encrust everything in solid gold doesn’t seem to be tapped into the most important economic concerns of the citizens of the country he rules. Donald Trump has had numerous opportunities to engage with the American people on the issue hitting most of them […] The Poke.

‘What’s something you’re attracted to that most people aren’t?’ – 17 things that prove beauty really is in the eye of the beholder

When it comes to what people find attractive, there are some popular options. But not everyone is a swimsuit model with a bulging bank balance. Thank goodness then that even the weirdest of features can appear attractive to the right audience. Glittering_Guest1422 wanted to learn more about these quirky appeals, so they put the following […] The Poke.