The Onion
Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. “I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first came to America, I expected to sometimes see him jump from behind a door and strike me in the groin, or maybe be launched from a cannon through the clubhouse wall,” said Ohtani, explaining that Jackass had been his favorite American television program back in Japan, where Steve-O is incredibly popular and widely known as “Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra.” “I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to appear with leeches, a stun gun, or a small dangerous animal, but he never comes. I have met so many famous Americans—LeBron James, Tom Hanks, Preston Lacy at least 25 times—but still not the one man I came here to find. I do not understand why our paths have not crossed. I wish to tell him how greatly I respect his willingness to be hurt in a funny and honorable way. Please, Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra, I dream to staple your buttocks. Help make this happen.” Ohtani added that he had recently written Steve-O a formal letter inviting him to “please electrocute my very strong body for friendship” and was eagerly awaiting a response.
The Onion.
‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly
CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange “Sidewalk Closed” sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her hands and saying, “But this is the sidewalk,” while several others began drifting aimlessly into yards, bushes, and even the street. With no instruction on where to walk instead, over a dozen of the stranded pedestrians were seen retracing their steps to ensure they hadn’t accidentally veered from their route, but this only resulted in them circling back to the impasse again and again in a panicked looping pattern. Sources confirmed the crowd eventually swelled to over 60, with many agreeing to simply lie down on the ground and try to remain calm until authorities could arrive to guide them to safety.
The Onion.
Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation
The Onion.
Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret
The Onion.
Just When I Thought The World Couldn’t Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play
Every time I turn on the news, there’s something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding in practically every corner of the country. Things outside the U.S. aren’t much prettier. Famine, war, poverty, terrorism. When did things get so hard? When did we become so divided? Basically it seems like the whole world’s a mess, teetering on the brink of collapse. And just when I think it all couldn’t get any worse, my wife makes me go to a play.
That’s right. It’s end times, folks. She’s putting on earrings and telling me to go shave.
Friday night only comes once a week, and yet here I am about to spend another one at a freakin’ play. Another play, another three hours of a bunch of people on stage doing nothing but talking to each other. There’s not even any songs in this one. Not that the ones that do have songs are any good either. And if you get out your phone, everybody gets mad at you. It’s enough to make you want to give up on society once and for all.
When my wife told me to go find a tie because we’re leaving in 30 minutes, I was confused because we just saw a play six months ago. It was called Wit, and it was terrible. My wife loved it. She cried the whole way home, so loud I could barely enjoy my Culver’s. You would think like sports, there would be an offseason with these things, but apparently not. Plays just keep happening all the time.
This one’s called August: Osage County, and there’s no way it doesn’t suck. Apparently, there’s a movie version, which also probably sucks. I asked my wife if we could just watch that instead, so I could get up to pee without climbing over people to reach the aisle, but she said no. She says we need to take advantage of “culture,” which, as far as I can tell, is just a synonym for plays.
The world is a cruel and irrational place.
I should have seen this coming. Bad things always happen in threes. ISIS is back in Nigeria, NATO is falling apart, and now my wife is ironing a shirt for me. You want to know how much this stupid play cost? Thirty-nine dollars. And that’s per ticket. That’s even more than it costs to do a real activity, like going to Texas Roadhouse or the casino. When it rains, it pours. And oh Lord, is it pouring.
The theater is a 30-minute drive, and there’s nothing to do there but drink wine. It costs $11 and comes in a tiny plastic cup. There are snacks, but no good ones. They don’t have beef jerky and the only candy they have is Toberlone. She says she told me this play was happening weeks ago, but I doubt that. I might grow numb to whatever tsunami or mudslide is killing thousands of strangers on the other side of the world every week, but I’d never forget something as horrifying as spending an entire evening watching a bunch of people shout at each other in a fake living room.
Hell is a place on earth, and it’s inside the Port City Playhouse.
Sometimes I get so bored, I start watching the play. It’s enough to make me wish the next world war would just happen already. If this theater was bombed by China tonight, well, let’s just say I’d welcome them as liberators.
Oh, well. Time to go warm up the car. I can always go watch Landman in the bathroom.
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Ways You Can Discreetly Celebrate Someone’s Birthday Without Them Knowing
Sometimes a friend or relative has a birthday, but you’re embarrassed to celebrate in a way that they will find out about. Fortunately, there are some awesome and creative ways to celebrate someone’s birthday discreetly without them ever knowing. Here are five ways it can be done!
1. Whisper The Words “Happy Birthday” To A Chicken And Then Kill The Chicken
One of the most beautiful things about chickens is that they are unable to speak because they evolved wrong. This means that anything you say to a chicken remains a secret forever. If you want to wish a friend a happy birthday without them ever knowing, you should whisper their birthday greetings into the ear of a chicken. Even if the chicken wants to tell the friend, it will be unable to. However, there is always the chance that chickens will evolve the ability to speak at a moment’s notice, so you must also kill the chicken to make sure the birthday wishes remain a secret forever.
2. Decide That A Cake From The Past As Their Birthday Cake
If you give your birthday-having friend a birthday cake, they’re going to know that you’re wishing them a happy birthday, which would be a disaster and the end of your world. That’s why a great way to wish your friend a happy birthday in secret is to look at a photograph of a birthday cake from 100 years ago and say, “That’s the birthday cake for my friend, whose birthday is today.” This way, you can get your friend a cake that is so far away in time and space that they will never be able to eat it or even know about it.
3. Run Over A Piñata While They’re Sleeping
Piñatas are a type of donkey you destroy to make birthdays amazing. When your birthday-having friend falls asleep, drive into the woods and run over a piñata with your car. In this way, you will mark the splendid occasion of your friend’s birthday while they are dreaming someplace far away.
4. Give Them A Gun And Never Tell Them Why
For thousands of years, several people have mentioned that gifts are a part of birthdays. Many times, guns are gifts. For this reason, give your friend a gun on their birthday. However, if your friend asks, “Why did you give me a gun?” you must simply say, “I do not have to explain myself to you.” In this way, you have honored your friend’s birthday without them understanding why they now own a gun.
5. Wait Until They Are Dead And Then Blow One Of Those Party Noise Things
The party noise things are a kind of beautiful musical instrument that does the thing where it unrolls and gets longer when you blow into it. It also makes a loud noise. People blow these things on people’s birthdays to make them smile and clap. However, if you blow one of these near your friend on their birthday, they will know that you are doing it to celebrate their birthday and they will smile and clap like a person having a public birthday. But your friend must never know that you are celebrating their birthday or else your life will become horrible. As a result, the thing to do is wait until your friend is finally dead and then give one of those party noise things one big honk. In this way, your friend’s birthday has been honked about, but they have passed into a realm where they are unable to ever know about. This place is known as the Realm Of The Dead, and we are all going to be there soon enough. Happy birthday to your friend.
Bridging The Digital Divide: When Microsoft Donated Tablets To The Kids Of This Kenyan Village, They Became The Most Toxic ‘Pitt’ Fans Online Within Days
In developing nations, millions of children have little to no experience with digital technology compared to kids in wealthier countries. One tech giant just proved that access is all it takes to level the playing field: When Microsoft donated tablets to the kids of this Kenyan village, they became the most toxic fans of The Pitt online within days.
How cool is this? With equal opportunities, the world’s poorest children are capable of projecting their own neuroses onto HBO’s hit medical drama even more irrationally than American Pitt fans!
Last month, the children of Lolupe, one of the poorest villages in all of Kenya, received 30 Surface tablets from Microsoft as part of a philanthropic company initiative. These kids had never seen a tablet before, and yet, after just four days with the new technology, Lolupe’s youth had figured out how to not only operate the devices, but binge watch The Pitt and then histrionically plague star and executive producer Noah Wyle with complaints about the way his character was sometimes short with other characters. In no time at all, these Kenyan children were going viral with louder, angrier, and even less coherent whining over The Pitt’s creative decisions at a pace far more impressive than their privileged global peers.
“If you said ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ around these kids earlier this year, they would have no idea who you were talking about – today, saying ‘Ding Dong Mohan’s Gone’ in Lolupe could spark a region-destabilizing war,” said Kate Behnken, head of Microsoft Philanthropies, who personally witnessed a six-year-old in Lolupe attempt to doxx Noah Wyle on her Surface tablet.
“The way these kids have taught themselves to react to an actor’s departure from The Pitt by perpetuating false accusations of bigotry against that actor’s co-workers is nothing short of amazing. They’re innovating entirely new ways to not understand how fiction works and pathologically hold other people’s art accountable for their own debilitating moral scrupulosity. You’d think these Kenyan children were Internet veterans.”
This is how you bridge the digital divide! Well done, Microsoft!
It’s so cool to see that with access to the same resources as kids in the Western world, children who grow up in poverty can weaponize their own mental illness and sheltered views to steer The Pitt discourse in the most toxic direction possible. Microsoft, you rule for this one!
Just Saying: This Woman Can’t Be Too Upset About Her Father Dying If She Posted An Elaborate Instagram Carousel About It A Few Hours After He Passed
Losing a loved one is never easy, and everyone grieves in their own way. That said, something feels just a little off here: This woman must not be too upset about her father dying if she posted an elaborate Instagram carousel about it a few hours after he passed.
Hm. A little soon, no?
Thirty-six-year-old Kelly Bishop’s father Keith passed away earlier today when he sadly lost his battle with cancer, and although the photos in her carousel surely make it seem like they had a great relationship, the fact that she managed to post 19 (!) photos of the two of them within just a couple hours of his passing does suggest otherwise. One has to think that the first few hours following your father’s death should be strictly for crying/weeping, not selecting which Allman Brothers song should accompany the carousel.
That said, she probably had a bit of a heads up (due to the cancer), so maybe she planned all this out a week ago and had it saved in her drafts, ready to go. And while that may sound icky, is it really that different from a new publication’s pre-written obituary? IDK…
Plus, posting this carousel saves her from reaching out to her friends individually to tell them the news, so now she can feel their support even sooner. But on the other hand, it just seems like you should wait at least a day before posting. Like if you really loved your dad… you probably wouldn’t even know where your phone was, let alone take the time to ensure every photo is properly reframed in portrait orientation.
One thing is for certain: There’s no correct way to mourn. But to post this soon after the loss is, well, you know, just a little soon. That’s all. Fortunately, nothing bad has ever happened to any of us, so we don’t know how we’d react in a situation like this.
Heartwarming: The Thousands Of Texts And Photos Exchanged Between This High School Math Teacher And Her Male Student Were About The Pythagorean Theorem
Looking to feel all warm and fuzzy? Well, here you go:
The thousands of texts and photos exchanged between this high school math teacher and her male student were about the Pythagorean theorem.
Awwwww. Just a dedicated teacher working overtime off the clock to help a student understand a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry!
When 16-year-old Reno High School student Bryan Clark’s parents discovered thousands of messages between him and Ms. Lewis, his 24-year-old math teacher, they were delighted to find that the two of them had been passionately discussing the Pythagorean theorem day and night for months.
Snapchats. Texts. Voice notes. Videos. All with one purpose:
To educate a fertile young mind about the magical fact that for any right-angled triangle, the area of the square built upon the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares built upon the two legs…
Which can be elegantly expressed as “A squared + B squared = C squared.”
Just check out this exchange, which is one of thousands that the Clarks discovered.
Bryan: cant sleep. u up?
Ms. Lewis: Yeah. Watching TV. You thinking about what I’m thinking about?
Bryan: mmhm. Euclid’s Elements? How he proves the PT?
Ms. Lewis: LOL you know it. You should be in bed though.
Bryan: Did you get the pics I sent earlier? Those drawings of right triangles I did?
Ms. Lewis: Sure did. I LOVED them. Send me more when you have a chance.
Bryan: I’ll try. But they’re hard to draw.
Wow. Now THAT’S the kind of thing we want out busty young teachers talking about with our teenage sons at 3 a.m. over Facebook messenger.
This. Is. So. Wholesome.
Every Parent’s Nightmare: This Child Drowned In His Family’s Freshly Installed Pool, Came Back To Life During His Wake, Ate More Than Half Of His Grandmother, Was Shot 26 Times By His Own Father, And Began A Scream Which Continues To This Day
When you’re a parent, you live to protect your child, but sometimes the unthinkable happens and you find yourself confronted with the ultimate tragedy. That’s what happened to Bruce and Amanda Cooper, who just experienced every parent’s worst nightmare: Their child Hunter drowned in his family’s freshly installed pool, came back to life during his wake, ate more than half of his grandmother, was shot 26 times by his own father, and began a scream which continues to this day.
Absolutely devastating. This is the exact scenario every parent fears more than anything else in the world.
When the Coopers first installed their new swimming pool in their back yard, they envisioned it as the future site of countless summer memories and moments of joy. But five minutes after the pool had been installed, eight-year-old Hunter sprinted into the water and drowned immediately. His parents were heartbroken, but their nightmare was only beginning. At Hunter’s wake, his father was giving a speech about how the only good thing about losing a child is that they can only die once, when all of a sudden Hunter climbed out of his coffin and said, “I’m back from Heaven, where everything sucks.” This caused everyone at the wake to boo the newly resurrected child and throw things like bricks and shoes at his grieving parents.
This might seem like the lowest point imaginable, but things got even more tragic when Hunter saw his grandmother, Georgina among the mourners, pointed at her and said, “That old lady’s the kind of grandma that looks like food,” and proceeded to start eating his grandmother alive. As she was devoured by her own grandson, Georgina kept giving Bruce the middle finger while screaming about how much she hated America, which caused the United States Army to send a tank to blow up Bruce’s car.
Many people might think it’s a blessing for parents when their drowned child gets back up and starts doing all their bullshit again, but those people belong in prison because of how mistaken they are. When Hunter’s mother first saw her son flop out of his coffin, the first thing she said was, “Hunter! My son! You’re alive!” but Hunter just looked at her and said, “Go back to the barnyard, she-rooster, I’m busy eating this pile of lunch that calls itself my grandma.” He then went back to chowing down on his grandmother while she continued to shout anti-American slogans and pissing off the Army.
If you thought losing a child was heartbreaking, imagine having your car destroyed by your own country while your reanimated son eats your own mother while she flips you off. It’s the sort of thing you always imagine would happen to somebody else, and when it happens to you, you’re totally unprepared.
Every single person currently reading this story is presently thinking, “This is as bad as it could possibly get, and this story could not possibly get sadder,” but that would make all of them wrong and evil, because this tragedy did get worse.
After Hunter had eaten approximately 52% of his grandmother, Bruce decided to take matters into his own hands. “I bring a gun to every wake I attend in case I need to defend myself from wasps or earthquakes,” Bruce told all the best reporters in the world during a press conference. “When you bring a gun to your own son’s wake, the last thing you expect is that you’re going to use that gun on your son’s reanimated corpse. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, every parent knows in the back of their mind they might one day have to shoot the zombie version of their drowned child while that child eats their mother-in-law, but it’s not exactly something anybody likes to think about. But at this point Hunter had eaten more than half of his grandma, and I had no choice but to shoot him as many times as I could.”
Bruce was forced to shoot his reanimated cannibal son 26 times, which is something no parent should ever have to do, but the worst was yet to come, because getting shot more than two dozen times caused Hunter to begin the longest scream any resurrected child has emitted in months. It was one long, sustained tone that to this day has not stopped or changed in any way.
“When my wife and first talked about having kids, we did briefly think about what we would do if our child drowned, came back to life, devoured a significant portion of his grandmother, and then screamed forever after we shot him a lot of times, but we decided to start a family even though we knew that was a real risk,” says Bruce. “Now I regret. Nobody should have children and parenthood is a mistake. The Army blew up my car.”
Absolutely heartbreaking. If you’re not sobbing extremely loudly while reading this story, you’re on the wrong side of history. Here’s hoping we one day live in a world where no parent has to experience the kind of tragedy the Cooper family has been forced to endure. Things like this are far too common in our society, and it needs to change. Share if you believe it’s sad when kids die and then come back to life and then eat their grandparents and then scream for a long time!
Duffel Blog
ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military
MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people
The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.As a former military intelligence officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war.Sure, Iran is important. Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the Strait of Hormuz, they are missing the larger truth.The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the lizard people.And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet.I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the Bush family, the Trump family, the Rothschilds, and possibly Taylor Swift.They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, New Jersey.Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo)Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough staff meetings, briefings, and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all lieutenant colonels are lizard people.At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of fungal brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their second divorce — but it happens.Most generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction.You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing.And we’re supposed to believe these individuals — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests?That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.”“We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return.Wake up!While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells.
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
Daily Mash
Any woman husband speaks to now referred to as ‘your girlfriend’
A WOMAN has confirmed that if her husband engages in any interaction with a woman, that women then becomes his girlfriend and is referred to as such.
Jo Kramer, aged 33, has so far branded a barista, a pharmacist, a Evri courier and the 87-year-old he talked to in a Post Office queue as her spouse’s girlfriend and, when irritated, as ‘your bloody tart’.
Husband Chris said: “A female chiropodist dealt with my bunions. Jo said ‘Give your bird a good seeing-to, did you?’ which I feel mischaracterised our relationship.
“Then at Waitrose I said ‘you too’ when the assistant wished us a good day, after which Jo asked why I didn’t go and marry her. It felt unchivalrous to point out she has a growth on her face and was wearing a hairnet.
“The work situation isn’t easy. Last week Jo asked if I was ‘off to see my work wife’ because a woman in accounts I’ve never met had emailed me a spreadsheet. And noted it was ‘interesting’ I got a haircut immediately afterwards.
“I tried returning fire by calling her pilates instructor ‘your boyfriend’. But she just mumbled something about him actually paying attention to her body and I didn’t push it.”
Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “The sarcastic use of ‘your girlfriend’ is rarely a sign of suspicion and more commonly a ritualised domestic sport, much enjoyed by couples who have run out of shows to watch together.
“However, it is weird that Jo said it when the family cat climbed on Tom’s lap.”
Five possible reasons Euphoria and Rivals are popular, all of which are sex
EUPHORIA and Rivals are the biggest shows on TV right now, but why? Here are five potential reasons, all genital-based:
They contain scenes of a sexual nature
So-called sophisticated viewers spent years pretending they relished the social commentary of The Wire or the corporate satire of Severance, but compared to young A-listers f**king they’re boring old shit. Who cares what Euphoria is about – if anything – when Sydney Sweeney jumps a skipping rope in a swimsuit?
There have sexy people in them
Viewers like to watch sexy people do anything. Even picking out vowels or consonants can be erotically charged when Rachel Riley’s doing it. Shrewd producers have noticed this trend and exploited your human failings for streaming cash. Even your secret lust for unconventional sex object Danny Dyer is catered to, you rampant f**k.
The sexy people have sex with each other
A genius move. Not only do Euphoria and Rivals boast a cast of studs and babes, they all regularly get their kit off and shag. Hopefully the scriptwriters are well renumerated for typing ‘they f**k again’ every other page, because it’s got millions tuning in. No mean feat, considering the endless hours of explicit content available for free online.
The sex is more sexy than regular sex
Even the sight of sexy, sweaty actors pistoning away risks getting boring, but the producers of Euphoria are a step ahead. They’ve conjured a plotline where Sweeney bones a microphone and balloon up into a sexy giantess. Ask your dad if you don’t believe it, he’s conducted extensive research himself after reading about it in the Mail.
Sex is a universal desire that will never go away
Some shows alienate viewers with themes and characters that don’t have broad appeal. Euphoria and Rivals cater to anyone with even a faint trace of a libido, which luckily for them includes everyone. And high-quality production values mean future generations will be just as titillated, like we are by classic 70s productions like Au Pair Girls.
Six reasons never to go on a f**king cruise
ALL that positive hantavirus publicity got you thinking of booking a cruise? Before you set sail like a carefree, oceangoing Zack Polanski, consider these reasons not to:
The passengers
You’re trapped with them. Vacuous, boring bastards in pink polo shirts with wives in their 50s made up to be in their 20s. There’s no escaping the twat who’s immensely proud of setting up the most successful tyre supply business in East Renfrewshire, not on this trip, and keelhauling is sadly outlawed.
The food
Food is included in the price, or the permanent buffet of shite in the prison-like canteen is. They make it as tasteless as possible to drive you to pay for meals in the very costly restaurants. And if you want a drink? You’ll be ordering it from the barman on every single occasion you need liquid. Yes, there will be a queue.
The entertainment
No entertainer worthy of the name would sign up for three months in a windowless cabin at sea. Plenty of entertainers not worthy of the name will. Given an audience of tossers who believe an Elvis impersonator who can instantly switch to Robbie Williams is astonishing, they will pander to them. Night after night. And you’ll be there because that’s where the gin is.
Seasickness
Seas get rough, and once your lavishly-appointed ship runs into a storm and begins lurching around like a drunken hippo with labyrinthitis everyone will be throwing up. You’ll be confined to your cabin and timing vomiting to when the toilet isn’t slopping water all over the bathroom floor you’re kneeling on.
Viruses
And that’s when the metal container you’re locked in with thousands of strangers doesn’t become an incubator for an exciting new virus, keen to work its magic in this petridish with hot tubs and a climbing wall. All while many, many nautical miles from the nearest hospital. You begin to realise why ghost ships were such a frequent phenomenon.
The stops on land
After what feels like months trapped at sea but has actually been three days, you get the chance to escape. Bliss. Three hours in the most touristy harbours the world has to offer, where every shop is geared to selling you expensive jewellery you won’t notice the flaws of until you’re back on board your floating prison with that twat from the tyre business again.
Office workers calling for ‘orderly timetable’ for boss to resign told to f**k off
A GROUP of office workers who have requested their manager set out an orderly timetable for his resignation have been told to f**k off and do their jobs.
The employees believe manager Joseph Turner is inarguably unpopular, showing polls that have been conducted around the water cooler with an approval rating of minus 70, but have nonetheless been informed they can go and f**k themselves.
Procurement office Hannah Tomlinson said: “Oh dear. He’s mishandled that badly, and that’s going to hurt him. But oddly, he doesn’t seem to care?
“I explained that he’s lost the faith of the office, that we no longer feel he’s the best person to lead a wholesale packing material importer and distributor forward, and that he doesn’t have to go now but a timetable is imperative. ‘Piss off,’ he said.
“He must not realise the gravity of what we’re saying. That marketing, customer orders, accounts and even human resources have got to the point where we can’t stand by him as the man to cut through the toxicity and reach B2B buyers. Maybe if we say it again?
“Instead we receive a tone-deaf email telling us to ‘answer the phones’ and ‘get the orders placed’ as if any of us could focus on doing our jobs right now. As if this wasn’t a moment of crisis. Maybe if we did the timetable for him?”
Turner said: “Of course I’m unpopular. I’m in f**king charge.”
Piers Morgan, and other people who clung on and are now loved by everyone
KEIR Starmer is so right to face down his massive unpopularity, as proved by these examples of people who bounced back from being hated to become the nation’s darlings:
Piers Morgan
Hated as the editor of the Mirror where he fell for faked photos, hated when he subsequently went to the US and attempted to end guns single-handedly, and hated when he came back to the UK, Piers hasn’t gone anywhere. Even today he can be found in a short clip on a social media site that you scroll past, revolted. Offering hope to Starmer.
Ed Balls
Ed overcame being personally unlikeable and part of an unlikeable government to take the Piers role on Good Morning Britain, to a national chorus of ‘Why is Ed Balls on this?’ Now everyone has come to love him and the entire nation is up before 6am waiting for GMB to start. Sure, Susanna Reid is also a presenter, but Ed is the main attraction.
Russell Brand
Russell’s career looked over after multiple accusations of sex crimes, but his reinvention as a New Age conspiracy guru who then, without ulterior motive, converted to Christianity won the public around. Now he’s released a new book about it and has been taken once more to the nation’s bosom before the minor matter of his upcoming trial.
Noel Edmonds
Noel was hated for Noel’s House Party and the blobby monster it spawned, but refused to listen to his detractors and came back with Deal or No Deal. Resulting in his being exposed as a weird megalomaniac who believed the cosmos was helping him manifest TV jobs then moved to New Zealand where he’s also unpopular, but definitely back.
Amanda Holden
The star of Big Top and marrying Les Dennis then shagging Neil Morrissey became overexposed when her career took off thanks to Britain’s Got Talent, but responded by simply refusing to go away. Now the familiar sight of her arse in a bikini in the Mail is a fixture of British life everyone just accepts, like weeks of drizzle.
Bonnie Langford
Bonnie went from being am annoying multipurpose celebrity to the incredibly annoying Doctor Who assistant Mel Bush. But by hanging in there on the lower rungs of fame she was able to return to the show once it became terrible again. It’s surely now hit such lows that her own spin-off Dalek musical is not far away.
Ed Sheeran
In a way, Ed has to be respected for ignoring the galactic storm of hatred directed at him and still doggedly continuing to make his godawful music. If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s that however much people are screaming at you to stop, just carry on regardless. A lesson Starmer seems to have taken firmly on board.
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