The Onion
God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’
THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal life, I can no longer participate in good faith,” the Supreme Leader of the Universe wrote in a post shared to His Almighty Instagram page, explaining His fears that continuing on with the Hulu reality series for a sixth season would set a bad example for His son, Jesus Christ our Savior. “While I will forever be grateful for the friendships I have made with the women on this show, there are some people whose behavior, frankly, has shaken Me to My spirit’s core. I will fulfill My contractual obligations, filming the rest of My confessionals, and then that’s it, goodbye, I will be taking My majesty elsewhere.” At press time, God revealed He would be competing on the next season of The Traitors.
The Onion.
Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron
WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle, where some of the deadliest marksmen in our armed forces will be posted around the clock on his head and shoulders,” said Trump, adding that at approximately 6-foot-8, his son would provide an exceptional high-elevation vantage point for neutralizing targets at long range. “The Pentagon actually came to me and said, ‘Mr. President, to protect the country, we need Barron to become a living military complex with snipers on top of him and ammunition stockpiled in his pockets.’ So we’re going to do that, and then we’ll store lots of combat drones in his mouth somehow. America’s going to be so much safer with my son standing out there the rest of his life.” Trump went on to say that his other sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, would be strategically positioned nearby to shield the snipers from enemy fire.
The Onion.
Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe an hour a day at most, but my jaw dropped when I found out I’d been spending nearly a third of my waking hours on my horse,” said King, who admitted he’d often found himself unable to focus on cabinet building for more than a few minutes before dropping everything and hopping back on Pebble, his 6-year-old stallion. “I’ll tell myself I’m just going to unwind after work with a quick 10-minute brush or pet, and then before I know it, the sun has gone down. Plus, my neck hurts, and I’m having trouble sleeping. I used to spend my free time with neighbors repairing a fence or splitting wood, but now all I do is sit on my saddle all day and zone out while I ride. It’s sad, but life really was so much better before we domesticated them.” King added that no matter how much his teenage son begged him for a horse, he’d never get him more than a donkey.
The Onion.
Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for spelling. “Let’s see, is it ‘they’re’ or ‘their’? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,” said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a few select words of the lengthy post that, for reasons unrelated to his editing, would soon go viral, end his career, and ultimately cause his family and friends to cut off contact with him forever. “Oh wow. I’m glad I put this into a spellchecker. I thought ‘mongrel’ was spelled with an ‘a.’ Plus, I totally forgot to tag ICE. If anyone would have seen the original, I would have been absolutely humiliated.” At press time, sources reported that Myers was hard at work correcting the thousands of people who had posted his home address online and had mistakenly spelled his name ‘Meyers’ instead of ‘Myers.’
The Onion.
Josephine Walker
Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.”
The Onion.
ClickHole
A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Duffel Blog
Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
Daily Mash
Outrage as final Fall album ‘might be good’
FANS are threatening to boycott the Fall’s final album after rumours those working on it after Mark E Smith’s death allowed themselves to show basic musical prowess.
Post Script has been created from Smith’s unused vocals by longtime Fall members but fans fear that without the frontman drunkenly calling them ‘f**king muppets’ while randomly turning their amps down, it may be almost listenable.
Fan Julian Cook said: “I’m hearing on the forums there are guitar solos that don’t end with the instrument being snatched away and smashed. That’s not the Fall I know.
“How can they produce anything that lives up to the band’s legacy without a moody, slurring bastard saying ‘That’s f**king Eagles shit, cock’ and firing them?
“We’re hearing these musicians are using chord progressions, time signatures and mixing the vocals so they’re audible, rather than feeding them through malfunctioning equipment that’s deliberately had a pint of Boddingtons poured into it.
“To live up to the Fall’s legacy it should have been made in the dark by musicians who have never met overseen by an aggressive Salfordian bullying them for no reason, then released under a random three-word title. Rawlplug Overfamiliar Drones would work.”
Fellow fan Thomas Booker said: “Yeah, thinking about it, I’m fine with the 31 Fall albums we’ve already got.”
He’s a beloved broadcaster, and other lies about Piers Morgan
EARL Spencer’s new memoir of his sister Princess Diana is full of lies about Piers Morgan, the man who feels he replaced her in the nations’s affections. Including these:
‘He’s a beloved national broadcaster’
It’s important to get the facts right. Calling Piers Morgan a ‘beloved national broadcaster’ might be a concise introduction, but glosses over the reality of longstanding public contempt. Future editions will describe him accurately as an irritating wanker who Susanna Reid was professional enough never to admit she despised with her whole being.
‘He published hidden camera photos of Diana’
The sticking point for Morgan and one easily disproved. He couldn’t have published intrusive photos of Diana in The Mirror in 1993 because he didn’t work for the paper until 1995. At that time he was innocently arranging paparazzi to hide in the bushes outside 18-year-old actresses’ homes for The Sun’s Bizarre column.
‘He doesn’t have a micropenis’
Unless Earl Spencer has seen it, how can he make this oddly specific claim? Though the former This Morning host certainly behaves like a man frustrated by his unimpressive member. To set the record straight, a man as focused on journalistic integrity as Morgan should take a dick pic and provide it free of charge to the world’s press.
‘He was a key figure in Diana’s life story’
Ask anyone what they know about Diana, and they’ll list key details like shaking hands with that Aids guy, the revenge dress, and her affair with a tank commander. Morgan wouldn’t get a mention because he’s irrelevant, unless there’s an appendix about grifters riding the coat-tails of the deceased in which case he’s in there after Paul Burrell.
‘He no longer has blue balls for Meghan’
Bollocks. Only a man who has been rejected by his crush would behave so abhorrently towards her. He still has a shrine to Meghan in the garage and thinks of the Duchess of Sussex every time he makes love to his wife. Unlike his other dubious claims, that’s verifiable fact.
The Chagos Islands, and the two other things Trump knows about Britain
PRESIDENT Trump knows exactly three things about the UK and has forgotten three others. This is the full extent of his knowledge and ignorance:
He knows about the Chagos Islands
When reminded, Trump is reliably furious the UK made such a bad deal on the Chagos Islands. He would have made a far better one, like he did with Iran or Canada. If negotiations are re-opened, it will transpire that Trump’s idea of a good deal is ‘the Chagos Islands are given to America. $350m compensation paid personally to Trump’.
He knows about immigration
Andy Burnham was, without doubt, berated by Trump for allowing immigration into the UK and what’s more allowing it over the last 50 years. He won’t have needed to respond. It was only a precursor to lengthy bragging about how the US has closed the borders and a subsequent tribute to the brilliance of one man, delivered by that man.
He knows about windmills
The third and final thing Trump knows about Britain is that it has windmills, and he hates windmills. He hates the way they might overshadow his golf course if he built one near it, he hates them not being oil, and he hates them for killing birds. Also, he may ban diesel exports from the US and if it cripples our economy that’s our problem.
He has forgotten about Brexit
To Trump, Brexit was an event that reflected well on Trump. It was never clear why. Over time, he naturally began to claim that Brexit was entirely his work while still not understanding what it was. Today? It’s as forgotten as anything else that happened in the last decade apart from the election being stolen. He remembers that.
He has forgotten that Scotland is part of the UK
Trump loves Scotland because he owns property there and because he thinks of it as a wonderful haven of white people. He visited it just a fortnight ago, except that was Ireland and he’s forgotten that’s a separate place too. If he was told Scotland was joining the UK, he would proclaim it a very good idea. And his idea.
He has forgotten Nigel Farage
Who wouldn’t? This is some guy who got a picture with you in 2016 wearing a blue suit and told you he was the next prime minister, but five prime ministers later still isn’t. There is not a synapse in Trump’s collapsing brain that remembers a single thing about Nigel Farage. His name, his face, nothing. He is so much luckier than us.
Six fun workplace grudges to carry you through the week
BORED at work? Have you considered hating one of, or all of, your co-workers for reasons they would consider petty but you call unforgivable? This should get you started:
Iain’s lunch had a mild odour
He sits within your line of sight and if that wasn’t bad enough, he dared bring in something more exotic than a cheese sandwich for his dirty little midday meal. And he made you watch. Begin with passive-aggressive sniffing and coughing, and glow with inner fury whenever he strays toward the microwave for eight years thereafter.
Marie used the printer for too long
Despite the fact that everything is now on G-suite, Microsoft 365, or East 17 these days, a fellow employee was at the printer the one and only time you needed to use it. Hogging it. Did she gracefully step aside when confronted with your urgent hover? She did not. So you must deliberately go slowly when she’s waiting behind you from now until 2032.
Louise laughed too hard at a manager’s joke
Pathetic little suck-up. Guffawing, in a meeting, when everyone knows they’re not for fun or productivity but to engender despair, self-loathing and the urge to put one’s hand into a blender. You would never demean yourself by trying to enjoy being at work and it’s well worth resenting that cow for doing so.
Connor drank the last of the milk
It may seem like a small, impolite accident, but this devastating betrayal is in fact worse than Kim Philby, Judas and David Harbour all combined. Two pints is more than a quid now. Act swiftly, rally others to your cause and judge what pitiful over-sweetened pseudo-beverage your nemesis wasted the precious liquid on.
Jill sat at your desk
Technically it isn’t your desk because hot desking. But while its ownership might not be recognised in a court of law, spiritually and emotionally it is your safe harbour and your home. And she thinks she can steal it? F**k about with her chair when she isn’t looking.
That girl who didn’t know who you were
That disrespectful intern is the epitome of why their generation don’t deserve jobs or to ever retire, with their f**king iced coffees. How dare they not recognise how supremely important you are? You’ll make sure that Ava, or whatever her name is, won’t go far. Oh, she’s left.
Charlotte Church’s blacklist of bad capitalists
ED Sheeran chose capitalism over doing the right thing: repeating what me and my mates tell him to and cancelling his tour. And these monsters also made bad choices:
Jeff Bezos
An appalling billionaire capitalist in a crowded field. Amazon is evil in so many ways: poor working conditions in its warehouses, tonnes of unnecessary packaging, drivers forced to wee in bottles. Whenever I buy new earbuds with next-day delivery, I feel like a Nazi collaborator in occupied France.
The Beatles
Like Ed Sheeran, remaining Beatles Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr refuse to speak out about the plight of the Palestinians. Or if they have I’ve not noticed. And despite amassing vast rentier fortunes from songs written decades ago they refuse to give back to the society they have benefited from, as they brazenly admit in the 1966 song Taxman.
Boots
Rennies, Panadol, Gaviscon – all vital medications sold at a hefty mark-up instead of being available to the unwell at cost. Meanwhile their Meal Deals fuel the capitalist machine by providing lunch for oppressed wage slaves. Why not just sell whips and cattle prods, Boots? Also boots are what Mussolini wore.
Bruce Wayne
I’m sick of our society hero-worshipping billionaires like Bruce Wayne. Does he ever set up creches for his staff or improve workplace safety? Meanwhile in every film he’s in we see Batman working tirelessly to help the people of Gotham City without reward while Bruce ignorantly quaffs champagne on rooftops. What a contrast.
The Apprentice
Disgusting propaganda that tried to pass off capitalism as entertainment. Though if you did want to bring down the capitalist system, the quickest way would be to put knobheads like Saira Khan and Ruth Badger in charge.
Albert Arkwright
The ruthless business owner Arkwright in Open All Hours built his wealth on the back of the proletariat, Granville. And like so many wealthy men, he believed he was entitled to women’s bodies, going so far as to non-consensually place a ladder below Nurse Gladys’s bedroom window. Should we call him Arkwright, or Trump?
Hamsters
These arch-capitalists hoard wealth as assiduously as any billionaire, just in the form of seeds and nuts in their cheeks. I’ve tried to shift their consciousness to egalitarian socialism but instead they run in wheels all night and used the copy of Das Kapital I left in there as bedding. Bloody useless.
The Poke
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There were plenty of eye-opening moments during Donald Trump’s general assembly address at the United Nations in New York in Tuesday, but surely none more so than this. It’s the passage of his speech, such as it was, when he threatened to annihilate Iran. Trump to the UN: “Do I annihilate the Islamic Republic, and […]
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Donald Trump asked ‘Where’s Marco?’ and somehow missed the man sitting right next to him – 15 Twitter replies that spotted the problem immediately
The cognitive abilities of the President of the United States are a frequent topic around the world these days. The man himself, Donald Trump, likes to brag about acing cognitive tests and his superior spelling capabilities with words like “dumb” and its tricky silent “b.” But take a step back and it’s not so crystal […]
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