The Onion
Study Finds Cell Phone Bans Don’t Help Grades
A large-scale study found no correlation between school cell phone bans and higher test scores, though the findings pointed to increased levels of well-being among students. What do you think?
“This should send a clear message to anyone trying to improve things.”
Ibrahim Khan, Flooring Importer
“Have they tried banning more books?”
Hannah Glenn, Sequin Applier
“Sounds like the real distraction is their well-being.”
Ben Little, Salmon Griller
The Onion.
Artist Profile: Noah Kahan
Noah Kahan, the singer-songwriter behind “Stick Season,” has topped the Billboard 200 chart with his new album, The Great Divide. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Kahan.
Genre: Barn wedding
Influenced By: Growing up listening to oldies like Hozier and Bon Iver
Fans Call Themselves: Empaths
Signature Hairstyle: The Crucible
Ideal First Date: A candlelit cry in the woods
Cameo In Future Muppet Movie: Peanut vendor at ballgame that gets run over by Animal
Honors And Awards: Official State Guy of Vermont
Next Project: Said he might stop by Pete’s bonfire later
The Onion.
Harry Styles Hits It Off With Zoë Kravitz’s Mom A Little Too Well
NEW YORK—Expressing resentment as the evening dragged on into its fifth hour, actress Zoë Kravitz was reportedly upset this week after fiancé Harry Styles hit it off with her mom a little too well. “I’m glad they found something to talk about; I just assumed the conversation would be more about me, or at least involve me,” said Kravitz, who watched helplessly as Styles burst out laughing at something her mother, actress Lisa Bonet, had just whispered into his ear. “The last time I tried to join the conversation, they both kind of jumped and just looked at me like they’d forgotten I was there. And they’re touching each other a lot. Is that normal?” At press time, sources confirmed Kravitz had returned from the kitchen with more wine to find Styles giving her mother a tour of his tattoos in the hot tub.
The Onion.
What Are We Doing After Graduation?
The Onion.
Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social on Tuesday to share the recipe for his famous “Better than Pedophilia” cake. “This decadent, easy-to-throw-together cake will be the star of any child-trafficking meetup you bring it to, and just like pedophilia, once you get a taste, you won’t be able to stop,” Trump said in an instructional video posted to his social media platform, adding that anyone who baked his Better than Pedophilia cake would be compelled to go door to door to inform their neighbors of its deliciousness. “It’s a scandal how moist this cake is, and I won’t even have my Justice Department redact the secret ingredient: a dash of espresso powder, can you believe it? Your taste buds will think you’ve died and gone to the great Miss Teen USA dressing room in the sky. A friend of mine, I won’t say who, but a very talented financier I once knew used to leap up off the massage table and run right out to the kitchen still in his towel when he smelled this beauty coming out of the oven. It really is as sinfully sweet as sex with minors, folks. But I’ll warn you: Just like yours truly, it’s very rich, so you’ll have to do a lot of pedophilia to burn off those calories!” Trump’s post sharing the recipe follows a video last month in which he demonstrated how to mix his legendary “Pedophilia on the Beach” cocktail.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Heartwarming: The Thousands Of Texts And Photos Exchanged Between This High School Math Teacher And Her Male Student Were About The Pythagorean Theorem
Looking to feel all warm and fuzzy? Well, here you go:
The thousands of texts and photos exchanged between this high school math teacher and her male student were about the Pythagorean theorem.
Awwwww. Just a dedicated teacher working overtime off the clock to help a student understand a fundamental relation in Euclidean geometry!
When 16-year-old Reno High School student Bryan Clark’s parents discovered thousands of messages between him and Ms. Lewis, his 24-year-old math teacher, they were delighted to find that the two of them had been passionately discussing the Pythagorean theorem day and night for months.
Snapchats. Texts. Voice notes. Videos. All with one purpose:
To educate a fertile young mind about the magical fact that for any right-angled triangle, the area of the square built upon the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares built upon the two legs…
Which can be elegantly expressed as “A squared + B squared = C squared.”
Just check out this exchange, which is one of thousands that the Clarks discovered.
Bryan: cant sleep. u up?
Ms. Lewis: Yeah. Watching TV. You thinking about what I’m thinking about?
Bryan: mmhm. Euclid’s Elements? How he proves the PT?
Ms. Lewis: LOL you know it. You should be in bed though.
Bryan: Did you get the pics I sent earlier? Those drawings of right triangles I did?
Ms. Lewis: Sure did. I LOVED them. Send me more when you have a chance.
Bryan: I’ll try. But they’re hard to draw.
Wow. Now THAT’S the kind of thing we want out busty young teachers talking about with our teenage sons at 3 a.m. over Facebook messenger.
This. Is. So. Wholesome.
Every Parent’s Nightmare: This Child Drowned In His Family’s Freshly Installed Pool, Came Back To Life During His Wake, Ate More Than Half Of His Grandmother, Was Shot 26 Times By His Own Father, And Began A Scream Which Continues To This Day
When you’re a parent, you live to protect your child, but sometimes the unthinkable happens and you find yourself confronted with the ultimate tragedy. That’s what happened to Bruce and Amanda Cooper, who just experienced every parent’s worst nightmare: Their child Hunter drowned in his family’s freshly installed pool, came back to life during his wake, ate more than half of his grandmother, was shot 26 times by his own father, and began a scream which continues to this day.
Absolutely devastating. This is the exact scenario every parent fears more than anything else in the world.
When the Coopers first installed their new swimming pool in their back yard, they envisioned it as the future site of countless summer memories and moments of joy. But five minutes after the pool had been installed, eight-year-old Hunter sprinted into the water and drowned immediately. His parents were heartbroken, but their nightmare was only beginning. At Hunter’s wake, his father was giving a speech about how the only good thing about losing a child is that they can only die once, when all of a sudden Hunter climbed out of his coffin and said, “I’m back from Heaven, where everything sucks.” This caused everyone at the wake to boo the newly resurrected child and throw things like bricks and shoes at his grieving parents.
This might seem like the lowest point imaginable, but things got even more tragic when Hunter saw his grandmother, Georgina among the mourners, pointed at her and said, “That old lady’s the kind of grandma that looks like food,” and proceeded to start eating his grandmother alive. As she was devoured by her own grandson, Georgina kept giving Bruce the middle finger while screaming about how much she hated America, which caused the United States Army to send a tank to blow up Bruce’s car.
Many people might think it’s a blessing for parents when their drowned child gets back up and starts doing all their bullshit again, but those people belong in prison because of how mistaken they are. When Hunter’s mother first saw her son flop out of his coffin, the first thing she said was, “Hunter! My son! You’re alive!” but Hunter just looked at her and said, “Go back to the barnyard, she-rooster, I’m busy eating this pile of lunch that calls itself my grandma.” He then went back to chowing down on his grandmother while she continued to shout anti-American slogans and pissing off the Army.
If you thought losing a child was heartbreaking, imagine having your car destroyed by your own country while your reanimated son eats your own mother while she flips you off. It’s the sort of thing you always imagine would happen to somebody else, and when it happens to you, you’re totally unprepared.
Every single person currently reading this story is presently thinking, “This is as bad as it could possibly get, and this story could not possibly get sadder,” but that would make all of them wrong and evil, because this tragedy did get worse.
After Hunter had eaten approximately 52% of his grandmother, Bruce decided to take matters into his own hands. “I bring a gun to every wake I attend in case I need to defend myself from wasps or earthquakes,” Bruce told all the best reporters in the world during a press conference. “When you bring a gun to your own son’s wake, the last thing you expect is that you’re going to use that gun on your son’s reanimated corpse. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, every parent knows in the back of their mind they might one day have to shoot the zombie version of their drowned child while that child eats their mother-in-law, but it’s not exactly something anybody likes to think about. But at this point Hunter had eaten more than half of his grandma, and I had no choice but to shoot him as many times as I could.”
Bruce was forced to shoot his reanimated cannibal son 26 times, which is something no parent should ever have to do, but the worst was yet to come, because getting shot more than two dozen times caused Hunter to begin the longest scream any resurrected child has emitted in months. It was one long, sustained tone that to this day has not stopped or changed in any way.
“When my wife and first talked about having kids, we did briefly think about what we would do if our child drowned, came back to life, devoured a significant portion of his grandmother, and then screamed forever after we shot him a lot of times, but we decided to start a family even though we knew that was a real risk,” says Bruce. “Now I regret. Nobody should have children and parenthood is a mistake. The Army blew up my car.”
Absolutely heartbreaking. If you’re not sobbing extremely loudly while reading this story, you’re on the wrong side of history. Here’s hoping we one day live in a world where no parent has to experience the kind of tragedy the Cooper family has been forced to endure. Things like this are far too common in our society, and it needs to change. Share if you believe it’s sad when kids die and then come back to life and then eat their grandparents and then scream for a long time!
Heartbreaking: The Town You Grew Up In And Fought So Hard To Escape Is The Only Place With Homes In Your Price Range
It’s not that millennials will never own homes, it’s just that they may never be able to own them where they want to. Case in point: The town you grew up in and fought so hard to escape is the only place with homes in your price range.
Just heartbreaking.
Although you worked so hard to get good grades in high school, saved money by attending community college for two years before transferring to a state university, and landed a solid job in your dream city, ultimately, after 15 years out of your parents’ house, the only homes in your price range are back in the podunk town where you were raised.
And sure, there are other affordable homes in other equivalent podunk towns, but it’s pretty depressing that your hard work has merely led you back to a place with nothing but a 7-11, two dive bars, and an opioid crisis. If only you’d known that to really make something for yourself, your one option was to go into finance. But would business school even be worth it now? What with AI…? And everything?
Oh, who knows? (Certainly not you.)
There’s a pretty nice-looking place on Zillow up for sale, not too far down the street from your parents. Three bedrooms, a little yard, a laundry machine. Yes, buying it would mean you failed, but something about it remains compelling. Most tragically, you could’ve saved about half the cost if you’d just bought it during the pandemic when your mom first sent you the link.
Damn. If only you’d known to give up by then.
So what will you do? Should you just keep renting in the city where you’re basically watching your money burn? Or should you move back home, buy property, and just get addicted to opioids? Sound off below!
6 Mother’s Day Gifts That We’re Sure Won’t Be Good Enough For That Bitch
Let’s face it: No matter what you get your mom this Mother’s Day, it’s likely that wench isn’t going to be one bit impressed. Here are six Mother’s Day gifts that we’re sure won’t be good enough for that bitch.
1. A Dress From Anthropologie
While there is no shortage of dresses from Anthro that would look great on your mom, odds are if you give the bitch one, the second she opens it you’ll be met with a look of poorly concealed disappointment and a choked off sigh. Even if you manage to get your mom to try it on and it fits perfectly, based on previous experience you can definitely expect some comment along the lines of, “Didn’t the Anthropologie guy get me too-ed?” or, “It’s nice, but I bet it was overpriced for the quality.” Probably best to skip this one this year.
2. A Gift Certificate For A Massage
Even though your mom loves to get massages, that bitch is definitely going to find a reason to not like the one you get her, even if you get it from her regular massage therapist. Whether she responds to your gift certificate (for a full 90-minute massage with the tip already included and everything) with the least convincing, “Oh…how thoughtful of you,” you’ve ever heard in your life or just looks at the gift certificate and puts it back inside the card without saying anything, you’re going to regret giving her this one.
3. A One-Of-A-Kind Piece From A Local Artist
Ha, good luck with this one. While plenty of non-megabitch moms would appreciate a thoughtfully curated, completely unique art piece that put money into the hands of a local artist instead of an evil corporation, no matter how cool the work you pick out for her is, she’s gonna hate it. Somehow, she’ll find a way for a piece of pottery or a painting of a boat dock to inspire a comment like, “Some of these artists seem so angry,” or, “This might look nice in the garage.” Don’t take it too personally, though. Your mom’s just a bitch like that.
4. An Offer To Reroof Her Garage
Hoo boy. Don’t even think about opening this can of worms. Despite mom’s garage roof objectively needing to be replaced and your gift of offering to replace it potentially saving her thousands of dollars, the mere suggestion that mom’s garage roof isn’t perfect is going to put her on the warpath. Prepare to hear, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” or “Your cousin Keith was just over here and he’s a roofer and he didn’t say anything about the garage roof at all.” Yep, even though there’s black stuff dripping down onto her Subaru every time it rains, that bitch is going to need to make the decision that it’s time for a new garage roof on her own.
5. $800 Cash
Whoever said you can never go wrong with cash as a gift clearly has never given your bitch mom $800. The problems with giving mom cash are countless: Give her a small amount, such as $20, and that bitch will snap off some passive aggressive, “Oh great, I’ve been wanting to buy some new sewing needles,” type of BS. Give her a large amount, such as $800, and you’re going to get to hear some, “Are you sure you can afford this?” or “You need this money more than I do, look at what you’re wearing,” type of BS. Yep, your mom is the one bitch on earth who money is somehow not good enough for.
6. A Pair Of Goddamned Diamond Earrings
What woman wouldn’t love a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings set in 24k gold? Queen Cunt AKA your mom, of course! No matter how reputable the jeweler you buy this luxurious gift from, your bitch-ass mom is going to start in with the, “These look like cubic zirconias,” or, “Why does one feel so much heavier than the other? I’m going to tip over wearing these.” Yep, this Mother’s Day it’s probably best to just send your mom a bouquet and turn off your notifications for the day so you don’t have to get her bitchy texts about how, “A bug that was on the flowers just attacked me!!!!” Ugh. Happy Mother’s Day!
Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are
It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.
Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate.
Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done.
So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?
Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.”
Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage.
Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice?
Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.
Duffel Blog
New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating
HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of The Bachelor will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.”Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a Chili’s, where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer.“Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, some hearing, and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and occasionally disassociate on national television.”Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, tinnitus, and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on Monster Energy.”Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments.“We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a VA claim denial letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.”The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.”In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his disability rating.
Hegseth buys second suit
WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of devastatingly one-sided combat guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday rescue of a downed F-15 pilot, and the unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former Army National Guard officer and television host, known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a cobalt blue suit with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform."“We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up."The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view.Speculation has long surrounded Hegseth’s clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit.“It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at Freddie’s Beach Bar, a popular bar near the Pentagon. “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.”Sources said the demands of recent operations have taken a toll on the secretary’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne.“I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer.Due to the recent implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit.However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to immigration enforcement actions.🖊️P.J. O’Leary is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy and on Tik Tok at @pj.oleary.comedy
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.”
“These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”
Daily Mash
Replacing Grandad with Uncle Albert: Six TV show changes you’ve still not forgiven
ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.
Friends: Rachel and Joey getting together
Okay, they’re both attractive, and pleasingly unintelligent. And in a show where there are six heterosexual characters it’s inevitable they’re all going to do each other at some point. But this just felt wrong. Like, only one step above Ross and Monica getting it on, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to see an incestuous version of the Princess Leia scene.
Scooby-Doo: Scrappy-Doo
It’s the late 1970s. You have a hit show. People like it but viewing figures are flagging. What to do? How about introducing an irritating, loud, arrogant puppy that clashes horribly with the laid-back, cowardly vibe of Scooby and Shaggy? And so was born a humorous animated character inspiring levels of hate not seen again until the dark times of Jar Jar Binks.
Dallas: It was all a dream
A twist so infamous it continues to haunt one of the behemoth shows of the 80s. In one sweep of a writer’s quill, an entire season’s events – three deaths, divorce, a car bomb and suicide attempt – were revealed to be nothing but the activity of a brain on standby. It’s the worst cliché a writer can use, although in fairness there was no way to bring back Bobby Ewing without something equally bad like Pam finding his secret cloning laboratory.
Red Dwarf: The return of Kochanski
Ah, Lister, condemned to a life floating through deep space pining for an ex-girlfriend he has no way of being with due to her, and the rest of the crew, being dead. And because three million years have passed. But wait! What’s this? Why, it’s series VII, where permanent sparring partner Rimmer leaves halfway through, only to be replaced by… Kochanski, through some interdimensional bullshittery. Gone is the hopeless longing, so important to Lister’s character arc, and it’s not even Clare Grogan playing her, in a crushing blow to all men.
Frasier: Niles and Daphne getting together
Nearly seven whole seasons of Niles being haplessly obsessed with Daphne created a rich tapestry of story arcs, character conflicts and, handily in a sitcom, witty jokes and genuinely funny situations. And then? Oh f**k, they get together and a whole portion of the show’s very soul is scooped out and replaced with couple stuff.
Only Fools and Horses: Grandad replaced by Uncle Albert
A portent of what was to happen to OFAH. Earlier episodes were rough and ready, genuinely moving at times, and Del and Rodney were young enough for it not to be concerning that a middle-aged man was following his pension-age brother around constantly. But then came Christmas special after godawful Christmas special, and crap visual gags such as a stretch Reliant Robin. Despite this, holding any opinion other than ‘it’s the best comedy show ever’ will earn you a smack in the mouth in any flat-roofed British pub.
Friends in race to fatten up slimmer
A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible.
After 30-year-old Hannah Tomlinson lost two stones, her friends gathered to discuss the best ways to fatten her up and restore the natural order.
Friend Nikki Hollis said: “We can’t have Hannah skinny, it destroys the feng shui of the group. The order of attractiveness is all wrong now so I said we should say ‘don’t get too skinny’ and hint she’s anorexic, but Sophie thinks she’ll see through that.
“Ellie suggested that we keep saying men prefer curves, but then we all burst out laughing because that’s bollocks and Hannah’s miserable dating record proves it.
“So we’ve developed a re-chunkification rota. I’m on spontaneous pastries sent to her home, Ellie’s sending her Instagram food reels and Jess is in charge of pretending she’s ordered too much and asking Hannah to help her eat it. It’s a group operation.
“It won’t be easy. Hannah’s saying she has more energy and men keep approaching her, which is deeply unsettling for all of us. She can’t become one of the hot ones without a full committee review beforehand.
“The selfish bitch never even consulted us, so we’ll have to say how much more tired and wrinkly she is and reminisce about how fun she was when she ate like a pig.
“And if our psy-op doesn’t work? Abandon subtlety. We’ll tie her up and force-feed her sausage rolls. If she’s happier, great. But she has to be happier in a way that doesn’t make the rest of us look like ‘before’ photos.”
Is this email spam, or is Elon Musk offering you sperm to have his children?
IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!
Because anonymous offers of billionaire spunk are normally so self-evidently fraudulent they automatically go to the junk folder, but just this week co-worker Shivon Zilis told a court Musk had fathered her four children so it happens!
The world’s richest man, who proves that reading science fiction warps young minds, has at least 14 offspring with a whole range of women with names like Strider, Azure, Techno Mechanicus, X AE A-12, and those are just the ones we know about!
Chances are, given the amount of money he has and what a stone-cold wanker he undoubtedly is, he’s fathered at least five times that to create an army of bowl-haircutted progeny speaking in unison! And the mothers of those children? Getting paid.
So this email, which explicitly offers you chilled 100 per cent Musk semen and a cash bonus for impregnation, could well be genuine! Especially as it includes specific instructions to abort the pregnancy if the child is not male, which fits with known facts.
This email, insane though its contents are, could mean you never have to work again! Just for popping out a few children for a man who will never want to meet them, you’re on the gravy train for life! Even if his scions are rather off-putting to be around!
On the other hand, a nakedly lunatic offer like this could be just as lunatic as it seems! It could be nothing more than a total scam sent out by a bot farm in Hyderabad, and you’re an idiot for believing in it even for one second.
Either way, provide your address and received a chilled container of sperm. Will you pop it up there for a reward? Is it even a billionaire’s, or just some other weird f**ker who likes to crack one off into the post? The choice is yours.
Let’s hope Green councils don’t f**k up as fast as I have. By Zack Polanski
WE’RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That’s assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.
Yeah, the latest thing is me pretending to be a Red Cross spokesman years ago when I wasn’t. Obviously the press are out to get me, but it’s still pretty weird. Why would you do that? It’s not exactly Catch Me If You Can, but if anything the lack of ambition makes it worse.
So my message to new councillors winning seats today is this: for f**k’s sake don’t copy me in any way. And a good starting point for that is not claiming hypnotherapy can give you bigger tits.
That was a stitch-up by The Sun but it’s still a totally stupid thing to go along with, so avoid anything like that. Don’t claim voting Green gives you a bigger penis. Or that you’ll collect the wheelie bins with mind powers. Or you’ve got the ability to rearrange matter like Doctor Manhattan out of Watchmen. Because that would be embarrassing bollocks, yes?
I’d also ask councillors not to change parties like I did. I used to be a Lib Dem, but I’m quite ambitious so I didn’t want my political career to be permanently stuck in the toilet like Ed Davey. So please don’t all join other parties, as that kind of buggers up today’s incredible gains.
We’ve been over antisemitism (bad, remember?) and it I’d also appreciate it if councillors don’t speak their brains over violent incidents involving the police because I looked like a dick when I did that. Don’t say ‘They should have knocked him out with a tranquiliser dart!’ or whatever naive liberal thought pops into your head. Say something about potholes instead.
Finally, I’d ask our new councils to avoid batshit Green fringe policies, which I know some of you are into. If you want to announce you’re going to charge local kebab shops with murder, at least give it a year or two before you make twats of yourselves. I wouldn’t.
Your ill-informed opinions, and other things you need to vote
HEADING out to vote in elections today but don’t know if you have everything you need? Consult this handy election guide.
A pulse
To vote in elections in Britain the only real qualification you need is not being dead. To make sure you are fully competent to participate in democracy, gently apply pressure to your wrist with your index and middle finger. If you can feel a faint pulse with at least 18 years of experience of wearily pumping blood through your body, congratulations, you can cast your essentially irrelevant vote.
Your ill-informed opinions
It’s important you don’t leave your unfounded hunches at home with your photo ID. The last thing you want is to be standing in the polling booth with a strong grasp of local issues and parties’ policies. This will cause you to dither, so with lots of people waiting it’s best if you let your half-baked suspicions about immigrants or Zack Polanski tell you what to do. Making an ill-informed knee-jerk decision is fine, it’s only vital services in vast swathes of the country at stake. No biggie.
Clothes
On a practical note, make sure you own at least one set of clothes and put them on before stepping outside to vote. Sadly it’s one of the many gatekeeping hurdles the nanny state has imposed. If the cost of living crisis means you can’t afford clothes, fashion rudimentary garments from leaves and bits of cardboard. Perhaps do this anyway – the volunteers at the polling station will probably rush you through quickly, avoiding any boring queuing.
Deep loathing of one party in particular
Under no circumstances read each candidate’s manifesto and carefully form your own opinion on who is best suited for power, or at least organising wheelie bin collections. Votes are traditionally cast in opposition to the party that you despise, with Reform UK and the Greens being the popular choices in this election. Who cares if you don’t particularly agree with what they stand for; do the right thing and allow yourself to be guided by blind hate.
Dog treats
Exercising your hard-won right to vote is a sideshow to the main event of election day: taking photos of cute dogs outside polling stations. It’s unfair to expect the canine guardians of democracy to pose for free though, so be sure to sling a couple of bone-shaped biscuits their way. Once that vital duty is completed, you can cursorily vote for some bellend who’ll probably get booted off the council in a month for watching porn in meetings.
The Poke
Reform UK’s vile threat to put asylum-seeker detention centres in Green-run areas is pure, petty Trumpism in action – 21 full-throated objections
In their effort to be more Trump, the Reform Party is copying his petty policy of punishing areas that don’t vote for him. In Trump’s case, he has pulled funding from Democratic states and from bodies that are statistically more likely to help people in Dem areas. Reform hasn’t announced that policy yet, but they […]
The Poke.
A man spied a giant conspiracy with this picture of a make-up free Sabrina Carpenter and was mocked into next year and back
To the world of men – not all men, just quite a few of them, especially on Twitter – after this picture of a make-up free Sabrina Carpenter prompted one particular specimen to think he’d just unearthed some kind of giant conspiracy. Sabrina Carpenter with and without makeup.. she’s a catfish. Don’t be fooled boys […]
The Poke.
An American professor took issue with our plastic bottle tops and these A++ comebacks will make you proud to be European
Time now to return to the ever increasing cultural divide – okay then, chasm – between the United States and Europe. And this time the topic under discussion is … bottle tops. Specifically the sort of screw tops you now get on plastic bottles in Europe which really got the goat of this visiting American […]
The Poke.
25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift
For those of you in the UK and Ireland, here’s a Public Service Announcement – it’s Tuesday (at the time of writing). Write it on your hand, or something, so the post-bank-holiday confusion doesn’t cause any problems. As it’s Tuesday, we thought we’d share some more comedy gems from Threads, and we’ve narrowed it down […]
The Poke.
Someone spotted an AI generated poster for canned goods in their local shop and it’s hilariously bizarre – 17 facepalms
Twitter user Alice was in her friend’s local shop when she spotted a poster advertising canned goods. At first glance it appears to be nothing out of the ordinary, but on closer inspection it’s a hilariously weird AI generated ‘artwork’ advertising some truly baffling groceries. Let’s take a look. Losing my mind at this AI […]
The Poke.
