The Onion
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. “Normally this stuff just flows right out of me—like, I’ve never had any issue making Hank Hill or Totoro or the Babadook more fuckable—but damn, with the Muppets, I am just stumped,” said Driscoll, explaining that every attempt to eroticize the beloved Jim Henson characters merely distracted from the sensual power of their original felt forms, specifically citing Kermit’s “tight amphibian dumper,” the Swedish Chef’s “sultry accent and arm-flapping,” and Miss Piggy’s “pink little snout and hooves—my God, those hooves!—I just want her to stomp all over me.” “I’m truly spinning my wheels here. I thought about having Gonzo ejaculate out of his nose, or drawing Statler and Waldorf blowing each other in the balcony, but it all felt like overkill. They’re dime pieces as-is. Maybe I could put Fozzie in leather? Have Janice show some bush? Twink up Scooter and Skeeter a little more? No, no—that’d just be gilding the lily. And I can’t do anything with Rowlf because he’s a dog, and I draw a line at bestiality.” At press time, the frustrated artist had reportedly abandoned an attempt to render an orgy scene after realizing his initial sketch was a near-perfect facsimile of The Muppet Show intro.
The Onion.
Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK’s Skeleton
WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the skeleton of its presidential namesake. “Unfortunately, we have reached the point where we either sell off President Kennedy’s skeleton to the highest bidder or lose the renowned cultural institution named after him entirely,” said executive director Matt Floca, adding that the center was open to offers for the 35th president’s entire skeleton but would also consider selling individual bones piecemeal. “The skeleton, except for a bit of damage to the skull, remains intact and is as sturdy as one would expect for a man who died at the relatively young age of 46. This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to keep the arts alive in the nation’s capital and own a part of presidential history that you can proudly display in your very own home.” Floca went on to say, however, that the auction winner would be obligated to occasionally loan the skeleton to the Kennedy Center so that it could continue to be enjoyed by the public.
The Onion.
Measles: Myth Vs. Fact
Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness.
MYTH: Measles is just a rash.
FACT: You’re much too comfortable with having a rash.
MYTH: The measles virus can linger in the air for two hours after an infected person leaves a room.
FACT: Only the deadbeat particles that have nothing better going on.
MYTH: There have been preventable measles deaths this year.
FACT: Those kindergartners were going to die one day anyway.
MYTH: The CDC is covering up a surge in measles cases.
FACT: They were going to surprise you, but fuck them for trying to create a magical moment, right?
MYTH: The best source for information about measles is your primary care doctor.
FACT: The best source for information about measles is an anecdote RFK Jr. vaguely remembers hearing at some point.
The Onion.
First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years
A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think?
“How do they feel about cluttered studio apartments?”
Carmela Soto, Wig Organizer
“They had to know we’d eventually look under that car.”
Frank Vo, Tapas Chef
“Are you sure we’re ready for the responsibility of a new cat species?”
Rohan Pereira, Puzzle Cutter
The Onion.
Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way more fun. “Damn, those guys brought a portable generator just to power the flat-screen and speaker system in their pickup bed,” said one Section J tailgater sitting on a cracked Igloo cooler, enviously eyeing the neighboring crew—identified as “the Sauce Posse” by the large flag waving above their green-and-white canopy tent—as they grilled a variety of meats on a Big Green Egg, played drinking games around a tower of Solo cups, and tossed their heads back in laughter from all the fun they were having. “And look, they got a bunch of girls to come hang out with them. It’s like a full-on party now. Maybe it’d be cool if we went over and asked for one of their frozen margs. We could offer to share our Pringles.” At press time, sources confirmed the Section J tailgaters were quietly looming near the Sauce Posse under the pretense of checking scores on their TV.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Sex Positivity FTW! AMC Theaters Employees Will Now Spit In Your Popcorn If That’s Your Thing
For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing.
How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you!
In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat.
“Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.”
There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world!
Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!
Duffel Blog
Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?
25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally
WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.
Daily Mash
An orgasm, and five other things about which women say ‘no worries if not’
AFTER 40 minutes drafting, editing and re-reading the text, proofread and peer-reviewed by four other friends, she adds ‘no worries if not!’ to the end. Also useful at these times:
Achieving orgasm
The orgasm gap exists as women’s pleasure is tricky and offers nothing to men who would prefer to ejaculate and move on. Yes, it would be nice if he did something for her after she gave head for 20 minutes, but no problem, she gets that he’s tired. He could use the vibrator? Oh, he doesn’t like the noise? Okey doke.
Requesting a pay rise
It would be lovely to not lay awake nights worrying about the mortgage, but yes, her boss is right, times are tough right now. He’s still driving a 2025 Audi, he is embarrassed to point out. She nods, ashamed of her horrific, selfish needs that render her a burden to a kind and caring employer.
Seeking a divorce
She’s had enough. The snoring, the flatulence, the affairs she’s sure happened but can’t quite pin down, the looting of the joint savings to invest in rare 90s trip hop vinyl. But, when confronted, he’s fine with the way things are. No problem, just an idea, just a suggestion born of several dark nights of the soul and years of misery. It’s fine.
Getting the vote
We all remember the suffragettes’ hunger strikes – on diets to look nice for their husbands. most likely – but there were also non-violent suffragists who wrote lots of letters asking if politicians would mind terribly giving ladies the franchise. When they received replies declining, they were ever so politely worded and on such nice paper.
Booking a restaurant
A table not adjacent to the toilets or bins and which the family can have for more than 35 minutes would be ideal, but we can’t have everything, can we? Even if what arrived isn’t what was ordered and is inedible. A lady enquires if anything can be done, is informed the kitchen is busy, and is positively radiant in accepting it all as her due.
Seeking a refund
The zip on the £140 trousers she bought yesterday is already broken and she has the receipt, but she doesn’t want to be one of those awful influencers who’s always returning clothes, nor does she want to be a Karen who calls the manager, and so she takes flat and unfair refusal as the final word. Maybe having your minge out will catch on?
Padel: the new veganism?
PADEL is the sport slash cult sweeping middle-class Britain, but could it really be so irritating it takes over from veganism? We compare:
Mentioned in first five minutes: check
Just as navigating any conversation past the rock of veganism was once impossible, now it’s padel. Regardless whether you’re discussing politics, the weather or this year’s Strictly line-up being weaker than homeopathic piss, within less than 300 seconds it’ll be about padel. Apparently it gives Cach Mercer an advantage.
Confers aura of superiority: check
Like veganism, padel is more than it seems. You thought it was a diet/bat and ball game? It’s so much more than that. Padel is a way of life, perhaps the way of life, that delivers physical perfection, mental calm and ultimately, its adherents hint, immortality.
Supersedes all previous convictions: check
Pickleball? A game for children and Americans, now wisely put away. Peloton? A mere lockdown infatuation. Podcasts? A waste of one’s precious life, especially when nobody listens to yours. Veganism? Ultimately unsustainable in a world of bacon and Brie. Padel? The path, the light, the sum of all human happiness. You play?
Follows arcane rules no outsiders understand: check
The rules of padel? Ah, the rules of padel. Yes, I’m glad you asked that. The rules. Ultimately you’ve really got to actually play padel to understand it, like I do, so it would be pointless to explain them like it was pointless explaining how cutting animal products from my diet would make me eternally virtuous. You have to feel it.
Not actually even that good: check
Isn’t it just tennis? No, definitely not, even if it shares a court, the bulk its of rules and a scoring system. No, padel is so much better than mere tennis, much as veganism was superior to vegetarianism until it got boring. Padel is a quantum leap beyond mere sports. It’s actually saved our marriage. What do you mean, you tried it and it was shite?
Will soon be dropped like pulled pork: not quite yet
There’s no way the preachers of padel will move on, absolutely none. You’re saying that because you’re jealous. Yes, we have moved on from our previous obsessions with street food, Secret Cinema, cocktails, microdosing, Union Berlin and paddleboarding but padel is different. You just wait and see if it isn’t.
Ed Davey solemnly ziplines into Lib Dem party conference
AWARE of his precarious position within his party, Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey has soberly ziplined onto the conference stage without applause.
Conscious that members are openly questioning his leadership skills, Davey arrived at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton ready to take on the big issues and unafraid to make difficult arguments, while dangling from a zipwire obviously.
Davey said: “My political future is at stake. I’ve left the inflatable unicorn at home, along with the light-up bowtie which turns into a drone and flies around the room.
“The Lib Dems need to get their act together. The era of two-party politics is over, but the media doesn’t treat us as if we have 14 times as many members as Reform. This zipline entrance is the entrance of a new, hard-hitting Ed.
“Could I have arrived by walking? Think of the optics. We can’t be seen to U-turn on our key policy of ceaselessly indulging in childish gimmicks to get media attention. The pogo stick will come out at some point, rest assured.
“But for now it’s a new Ed Davey. An Ed Davey the country has no choice but to take seriously. An Ed Davey who, unlike other politicians, rides a 220ft zipline with nary a whoop.”
Party member Donna Sheridan said: “Now other parties won’t mock us. Especially when Ed announces our new position on trans rights by opening his flies and firing a blue, pink and silver glitter cannon from his crotch.”
Man who’s technically had sex still pathetic virgin at heart
A MAN who in a physical sense has lost his virginity is still a sexless loser deep down in his soul.
Jack Browne, aged 20, has undisputedly had sexual intercourse but nevertheless carries with him the unmistakeable aura of someone who has never touched a woman in his life.
He explained: “I thought that when I finally put my penis into a vagina that everything would magically change. You know, like in films.
“After I first made love to my university girlfriend, I saw myself swaggering out of the room completely purged of all my teenage anxieties and hobbies and personality. A new man, sexually confident and effortlessly alluring. But I’m exactly the same.
“It was just a real let down to see a pair of boobs in real life and discover that I still want to play Warhammer and I don’t magically look good in a leather jacket.
“I haven’t lost faith in sex turning my life around. I just think I need more of it. So I’m making a spreadsheet tracking my level of sexual activity against my perceived raw sexual charisma to see if sustained intercourse produces better results for my self-image.
“Oh my God, that is the most virgin shit I could possibly do.”
Six people who annoy all the right people but are still dicks
THROW a rock at your television and you’ll almost certainly hit someone wrong, but it takes a special set of skills to be right and still invite masonry-pitchers. Like these six:
Joe Wicks
You are well aware of the fact that when you get up off a sofa it sounds like an angry ghost punching a bag of Scrabble tiles on a bed of Spam. But he’s perky and annoying, and while he’s telling fast food companies they’re evil you strongly suspect he’s your girlfriend’s go-to sexual baseline while she begins to imagine she’s somewhere, anywhere, else.
Owen Jones
Interviewing Reform voters in the street and making them look thick is like using an AR-15 to shoot a shoal of brain-damaged fish in a barrel resembling the smoking area of a Wetherspoons. All Owen does is encourage their idiocy then grin smugly. Yes they’re dicks, but you spent the Brexit years dancing with pom-poms around Jeremy Corbyn.
Chris Martin
Lemmy never gave to charity, collected WWII memorabilia that leaned worryingly toward one side in particular and wrote Ace Of Spades. Chris Martin’s humanitarian work has saved millions, he lives in an authentically caring manner and has written songs that do not all sound like Ace Of Spades. But you prefer Lemmy. Such is the fickle nature of fame.
Zack Polanski
He can have as many good ideas about privatising one set of arseholes while properly taxing another set of arseholes as he likes. But he will never not be the bloke who tried to voodoo a woman into G-cup naturals, he will never not have been a Lib Dem and he will never not have the personality of a substitute drama teacher.
Piers Morgan
Hey, he got that bloke bang to rights on his show the other week, didn’t he? Made him look a right idiot. Anyway, here’s a clip of him pretending not to know what a pronoun is or why ordering your army to shoot children in the forehead is a bad thing. Not so much a stopped clock as a halted twat.
Greta Thunberg
The planet is dying, the point of no return was hurtled past years ago, rampant capitalism will not rest until the last breath of clean air is monetised, and nobody with the power to change it seems to care. We get it. You’re right. So can you please stop glaring at me like I’m in the middle of fisting a panda? F**king Scandinavians, always holier-than-thou.
The Poke
Dr Oz tried to explain why Trump banning media outlets isn’t a First Amendment violation and immediately made the case for why it is
The White House has stopped admitting the media inside. Well, some of the media. As of this week, MS NOW, CNN and Politico have been barred from entering the White House and covering Donald Trump. As much as that might sound like a relief, it is also a clear violation of the First Amendment to […]
The Poke.
This hilarious video of ChatGPT’s struggle to spell ‘Seventeen’ suggests the AI apocalypse might take a while
We’ve all seen the recent terrifying reports suggesting that Artificial Intelligence has a decent chance of wiping out the whole of humankind within the next decade, but perhaps there’s a glimmer of hope to be found in this video shared by the wonderful Husk over on Twitter. He’s got form when it comes to winding […]
The Poke.
The way this woman mysteriously disappears in this TV news report is properly melting brains everywhere
Okay so it’s probably not a glitch in the matrix but – seriously – what else can it be? It’s a TV news report which has been melting brains everywhere because of the most bizarre way this particular interviewee says goodbye and then basically vanishes. Just in case your Spanish isn’t quite up to scratch, […]
The Poke.
Pete Hegseth invited the Paul brothers to the Pentagon to pump up American troops and it backfired spectacularly in the replies – 17 scathing takedowns
This is not a serious White House Administration. Anyone following American politics for the last decade could tell you that. Still, Donald Trump and his band of merry gangsters continue to degrade the nation’s highest office with every new press stunt. The latest comes courtesy of former reality TV contestant and current Secretary of Defense, […]
The Poke.
Ed Davey’s attempt to rally the troops at the Lib Dem conference with their calamitous new slogan fell humiliatingly flat on its face
To the Lib Dem conference in Brighton now – what do you mean you didn’t know there was a Lib Dem conference going on? – where Ed Davey was doing his bit to rally the troops. Battling against claims that he is leading his party into irrelevance, it’s fair to say Davey didn’t quite energise […]
The Poke.
