The Onion
Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race
MILWAUKEE—Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday’s game. “They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,” said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, “Get the brat!” and “Slow down, you mouthwatering fuck!” “I’ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast. You could tell they were really hungry.” Sources confirmed the mob came within feet of tackling the Polish sausage before they collapsed in exhaustion and spent the remaining innings dry-heaving behind home plate.
The Onion.
Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual’s contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school’s teaching staff.
Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several dozen tenured professors who held prominent roles in the Confederate army between 1861 and 1865. Despite public backlash, including widespread campus protests and a petition signed by over 10,000 individuals, Garber has reiterated that the faculty members’ involvement in the Stonewall Brigade and the 43rd Battalion of Virginia Cavalry did not violate the university’s code of conduct and only contributed to Harvard’s rich diversity of thought.
“We assure you, we do not take our decision to employ professors like Gen. Stonewall Jackson and his fellow commanders lightly,” said Garber, adding that the men had pledged to separate their experience fighting gruesome battles along the Mason-Dixon Line from their academic studies. “We understand that some students feel uncomfortable being taught by Professor Jackson because of his significant role in the First Battle of Manassas. But that was 165 years ago.”
“Professor Jackson is a rigorous academic scholar who has since released most of his slaves,” Garber continued. “While it’s a sensitive subject for many students from the North, we hope they can learn to accept it.”
The generals, many of whom have had tenure at the university for more than a century and a half, faced renewed controversy this week when a student leaked a video that showed professor of economics Nathan Bedford Forrest standing at the front of his classroom in a Confederate uniform, calling a student “dirty Yankee,” and saying repeatedly that the South would rise again.
Although Forrest later issued a public apology stating that his actions were inappropriate, many students, alumni, and donors questioned how Confederate professors could claim to be “objective” while they still openly swore allegiance to Gen. Robert E. Lee, owned cotton plantations, and conceived dozens of children with female slaves.
Several of Forrest’s students, however, felt that their professor was being unfairly persecuted and told reporters he should not lose his tenure simply because he led troops who killed over 300 surrendering Black soldiers during the 1864 Fort Pillow Massacre, or because he was serving as the first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan at the time he was hired as a lecturer at Harvard College.
“Personally, I feel that my Confederate professors are better than most of the non-Confederate professors,” said Harvard senior Zach Weelan, who argued that his classmates were “hyper-fixated” on how many thousands of Union soldiers the educators had slaughtered in cold blood. “So what if my professor was in the Confederate army? I don’t see how that conflicts with his ability to teach me American history.”
“My thesis advisor actually usedto be one of the ‘big four’ slave traders in Memphis, and his perspectives on whipping, branding, and forced family separations have been very refreshing,” Weelan added. “Why should I suffer just because my classmates are overly sensitive Union sympathizers?”
In an open letter to the university, dozens of the Confederate generals’ renowned colleagues, including Professor Heinrich Himmler, Professor Adolf Eichmann, and Professor Emeritus and Harvard Board of Overseers chair Pol Pot, pledged their support, claiming that the administration should not give in to the “woke” and “radical” agenda of a small fraction of students.
“These professors consistently receive rave reviews from many of our top-performing Aryan undergraduates,” Garber said. “It’s a slippery slope. If you fire someone just because they were in the Confederate army, then suddenly you have to fire someone just because they systematically imprisoned and murdered over 6 million Jews and other untermensch in a coordinated campaign across Nazi-occupied Europe. When does it end?”
“As a wise man once told me, ‘I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten,’ ” Garber added. “ ‘Look away, look away, look away, Dixie Land.’ ”
The Onion.
Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World
WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. “We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world’s duration, adding that Americans didn’t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight. “It was never the plan to continue having life go on forever. We’re gonna hit those 8 billion sons of bitches with everything we’ve got and achieve total annihilation for the American people. Frankly, if it weren’t for the Democrats and the fake news media coverage, we could have wrapped this world up and moved on to the void already.” Trump went on to acknowledge that the GOP could face heavy midterm losses if the world was allowed to continue through November.
The Onion.
MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children
DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children. “I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.’s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on day one, but lately, I’m starting to worry that my kids might make it to adulthood,” said Murrow, adding that in her view, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s vaccine skepticism, opposition to water fluoridation, and embrace of raw milk simply hadn’t gone far enough to endanger her kids. “I’ve always been a believer in dismantling public health infrastructure in favor of life-threatening pseudoscience, and I’m starting to feel like the GOP used that to take advantage of me with a bunch of hollow campaign-trail bluster.” “I had assumed this administration would take a much more active role in killing my children, but those measles outbreaks still haven’t made it to our school district,” she continued. “I voted for mass childhood mortality, dammit! How dare they tell me to be patient while my kids are thriving? If more children don’t start dying soon, Republicans are going to see a massive midterm backlash from parents like me who were expecting to be bereaved by now.” Murrow went on to state that she was considering moving her family to a place like Gaza or Iran where the American government takes killing children seriously.
The Onion.
Streaming vs. Theaters
More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.
Concessions: Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese. Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn’t confiscate.
Size Of Vin Diesel’s Head: Streaming: Unacceptably smallTheaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen
Sound Quality: Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by sound of Coca-Cola ad
Screen Size: Streaming: A giant 55 inches Theaters: A middling 50 feet
Get To Walk By Pottery Barn Before Watching: Streaming: Rarely Theaters: Often
Worst Annoyance: Streaming: Constant buffering Theaters: Constant gunfire
Drawbacks: Streaming: Rarely finish movie without encountering distraction Theaters: Forced to finish movie without any distractions
Glen Powell: Streaming: Yup, he’s here. Theaters: Plenty of Powell here, too.
Thing You Wanted To See: Streaming: Unavailable Theaters: Sold Out
Dynamically Inserted Ads: Streaming: In Use Theaters: Just You Wait
Way To Cheat The System: Streaming: Use friend’s login Theaters: Wear homemade mask to resemble AMC Stubs member
Quality Of Films: Streaming: Terrible, formulaic movies made with shoestring budgets Theaters: Terrible, formulaic movies made with $100 million budgets
Feeling Afterward: Streaming: Wish you saw it in a theaterTheaters: Wish you just stayed home
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
American Missionaries Dispatched To Europe To Spread The Good News About Air Conditioning
BRANDENBURG — Missionaries from the greatest country on earth were seen going door to door throughout Europe, spreading the good news of air conditioning.
Man Upset As Someone Calls Him On Device Specifically Designed For People To Call Him On
TOPEKA, KS — Local man Samuel Denton was deeply upset Tuesday afternoon after his device, which is specifically designed to receive phone calls, received a phone call.
Ranch Dressing Futures Skyrocket To $120 Per Barrel
NEW YORK, NY — Ranch dressing futures skyrocketed to an unprecedented $120 a barrel on the New York Stock Exchange, officially surpassing crude oil as the world's most valuable liquid asset.
Supreme Court Rules Any Baby Born At Olive Garden Is An Italian Citizen
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a narrow 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born in or within five yards of an Olive Garden restaurant is an Italian citizen.
In Most Exciting Moment In History Of WNBA, Woman Points At Other Woman
INDIANAPOLIS, IN - In the most thrilling moment in all of WNBA history, one woman pointed at another woman.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
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Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Daily Mash
England players exhausted after long season of Travelodge skanks
THE England team have admitted they are suffering fatigue after nine months of desultory sex with every spray-tanned trollop they encounter in motorway hotels.
Before today’s knockout game against DR Congo, the squad have confirmed a full season of driving their childish cars to the High Wycombe Holiday Inn for wanton intercourse with wave after wave of fake-breasted wannabe WAGs has left their tanks empty.
Thomas Tuchel said: “We need to take a fresh look at the league schedule. Even with sport scientists, nutritionists and psychologists these boys cannot handle the shagging.
“Top-flight players are wheelbarrowing six filthy, fame-hungry strumpets a weekend, and that’s not counting European games. They’re chin-deep in gash, then we ask them to fly to America and do it all again?
“During European Championship and World Cup years we need to look at giving them time off, so they can come to international games fresh to the challenge of 30 blonde, pox-ridden floozies homing in on them like they’re big, stupid bastards with too much money.”
But leading figures in the game have dismissed skank-rationing as impossible to police, insisting it would be much simpler to identify a new generation of promising young players and then hack their testicles off.
Former England manager Glenn Hoddle said: “They could freeze some sperm if they want a family later. And it would give us a world-class squad of alert, focused eunuchs, with that extra yard of pace from not having an annoying scrotum in the way.”
Podcast swiftly gets down to business 17 minutes in
A PODCAST has quickly got down to the subject it is ostensibly about a mere 17 minutes into its runtime.
Treating the precious lives of its audience with the respect they deserve, the podcast whipped through its introductions and sponsorship adverts to get to its derivative contents in less time than it takes to listen to half of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours.
Listener Martin Bishop said: “I love this podcast, and I especially love getting through a good chunk of my workout listening to three people unenthusiastically droning on about NordVPN and plugging their upcoming Edinburgh shows.
“Even the staged chatter about what they’d been up to that week was mercifully brief, clocking in at a tight five minutes. They could have stretched it out, as they’d done nothing of interest, but best to leave the audience wanting more.
“Then it was simply a case of sitting through some terrible jingles, a needless recap of the format, and a couple more intrusive Spotify ads at deafening volume before getting right to it.
“Well worth it to hear up to 12 minutes of quizzing a celebrity guest previously unknown to me laughingly detailing their whole Greggs order. I would happily have spent twice the time building up to that hilarity thrillride.”
He added: “I’m thinking of signing up to their Patreon. Apparently you get uncut behind-the-scenes moments delivered direct to your inbox.”
Older co-workers making baffling references to Um Bongo
COLLEAGUES in their 50s are making unexplained references to something called Um Bongo triggered by tonight’s England game against DR Congo.
Across the country, workers with greying hair are saying ‘It was the rhino who named it,’ and ’There’s no way we’ll win if they’re fuelled by that tropical nectar,’ to the incomprehension of the young.
Procurement officer Grace Wood-Morris said: “I only asked Dave if he thought we’d win tonight. He began singing a strange song in a deep voice then laughing uncontrollably.
“I thought it was just him, but it’s all of them. They’re listing exotic animals and listing fruits and trying to pair them together? Is this, like, a card game? Can we make them stop?”
Similarly bemused marketing executive Jordan Gardner said: “I asked my boss Darren if Wissa would exploit our weakness at right-back and he grunted. But when Lee in regional sales shouted ‘You can still get it online!’ he ran right over to his PC.
“Eventually they got Justin, who ‘knows the whole thing, it’s his party trick’, to perform a rap which began ‘way down deep in the middle of the Congo’ and got worse from there.
“I judged it to be racist in the extreme, got straight on to HR and he’s been suspended pending an investigation and mandatory sensitivity training.”
Wood-Morris said: “Ah. So we can make them stop.”
250 years of American independence: Was it worth it?
DESPITE Trump happening twice, America is celebrating 250 years of independence from Britain. But was it a terrible, regrettable mistake all along? Let’s weigh the evidence.
Mickey Mouse
With his cheerful wave and oversized shorts, it’s hard not to love Mickey. However, he can’t really compare to Britons such as Shakespeare, Churchill and Newton. Is there a cartoon titled Mickey Becomes the Father of Modern Physics? No, there is not.
No Kate
Catherine, Princess of Wales, is a universally loved demi-goddess radiating infinite beauty and kindness. Without a royal family, Americans have no such national treasure. Their nearest equivalent? Roseanne Barr.
Color vs colour
American misspellings, and their domination of the word processing industry after the BBC Micro failed to succeed globally, have caused untold red underlinings. If America had just accepted taxation without representation it could have been avoided.
Trump
There are few people as dreadful as Trump, but Americans elected him on two occasions proving they should never have been allowed their own government. In a different timeline America could be governed by Keir Starmer. Not great, but better.
Vietnam films
America has gifted the world many superb ‘Nam films, from the action romp of Platoon to classics like Apocalypse Now, all replete with incredible cinematography and memorable lines. A definite win for America. The actual war was less successful, but we’ll politely not mention that.
Light bulbs
For all its failings, America did invent the light bulb, so credit where credit’s due. Having said that, Britain could have managed with flaming torches until Japan invented the LED.
Inferior football
America could have had our excellent version of football, as showcased by England vs Ghana. Instead they threw perfectly good tea into Boston harbour and now have a horribly complicated version of rugby that stops every few seconds. Poor fools.
Guns
The insane number of guns in America are due to the Second Amendment. If they hadn’t raised militias in 1775 they wouldn’t have to worry about getting shot in geography lessons now.
Star Wars
Star Wars was a global cultural phenomenon to be proud of, but now the original films have been ruined by a Boba Fett cash-in doing stuff with a cuddly toy. With hindsight it wasn’t worth George Washington crossing the Delaware for.
In conclusion
From this comprehensive list of American achievements and failures, it is clear that independence was a pointless waste of time. Luckily we are a forgiving nation, and America is welcome to rejoin the UK again with the same legal status as the Isle of Man.
Vince, Trevor and other names not making a comeback
WHILE once-unpopular names like Alfie and Ivy have enjoyed spectacular revivals, others have not. Britain has quietly agreed that no child should have to answer to these:
Barry
No parent since 1968 has looked into the eyes of a newborn and thought ‘yep, that’s a Barry’. It’s a name that arrives preloaded with a regular spot in the pub and opinions on ULEZ.
Susan
Unlike Ruby and Violet, Susan skipped the ‘charmingly vintage’ phase and went straight to ‘woman in your office with legacy contract who prints every email’. Yes, she has flexitime. No, you cannot.
Trevor
A name so resolutely middle-aged it somehow bypasses childhood altogether. They’re all born aged 60 and writing to the parish council. Besides, the poor fella would never lose his virginity with that name so your line would end with him.
Phyllis
Not every parent is unrealistically aspirational for their child, but every parent dreams of more than a woman in rollers gossiping over the fence about him at number 24 who’s full of himself.
Gary
The least likely name to appear on a trendy birth announcement written in minimalist font. Gary sounds less like your progeny and more like the bloke fitting your laminate flooring next Tuesday.
Maureen
A cosy name. Comforting. The obese assistant in year one at primary school available to give upset kids cuddles and a sweet as long as she’s not required to move.
Vincent
Parents increasingly want names with history. Unfortunately, being named Vincent conjures a history of convictions for wounding with intent, perjury, armed robbery and possession with intent to supply.
Doris
Unless your daughter is born in full make-up, hoop earrings, smoking and believing they ‘shouldn’t show women’s athletics, it incites men’ Doris is not the name for her.
Terry
Massive post-war, like the NHS and unions, but nosedived since. Even as a baby, you’d struggle to think of him anywhere but behind the wheel of a bus.
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