The Onion
Overambitious Man Wants To Get 2 Things Done Today
AKRON, OH—Saying the expectations he had set for himself were completely unrealistic, friends of local man James Chao expressed skepticism this morning after the 25-year-old announced plans to get two different things done today. “When I heard James say he was going to pick up some groceries, that was one thing, but when he told me he also wanted to do his laundry, I realized he was pushing himself way too hard,” said roommate Aaron Steiner, adding that Chao was apparently oblivious to how much sustained focus and effort would be required to complete not just one, but two tasks in a single 24-hour period. “At a certain point, you’re only setting yourself up for failure. If you get one thing done, you’ve already gone way past any reasonable person’s expectations. Try for a second thing and, I mean, there’s just no way. That guy really needs to slow down and give himself a moment to put this whole thing into perspective.” At press time, Chao’s friends were reportedly urging him to stop and take it easy after they found him in the kitchen wearing a clean shirt and preparing a meal for himself.
The Onion.
Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean
HONOLULU—Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen roosters materialize Thursday over a random point in the Pacific Ocean. “Yo, Gabriel, check this shit out!” the wasted Creator of All Things said while jostling the archangel on the shoulder and pointing at the birds struggling in the waves below. “Look at all these fucking birds I got. Can’t fly to shore, so what you gonna do? Come on, look at this shit. Look, they’re all splashing and squawking like motherfuckers. Should I put ’em in a volcano or something? Maybe I’ll materialize a couple orcas for good measure. Or wait—what about a whirlpool? Damn, I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since the flood!” At press time, reports confirmed God was throwing down an extra large rooster to make as big of a splash as possible.
The Onion.
You’re Not Wrong, Babies Are Getting Worse: Enshittification Comes For A Once-Beloved Classic
The Onion.
Jack In The Box
The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Clavicular
Influencer Braden Peters, better known as Clavicular, has generated controversy for his “looksmaxxing” content. The Onion sat down with the streamer to discuss his views, methods, and aspirations.
The Onion : Do you consider your methods to be extreme?
Clavicular: I get called extreme, but no one blinks an eye when Ms. Rachel tells kids to smash their jaws with a hammer.
Is there anything you wouldn’t do in the name of looksmaxxing?
I’m never getting rid of my tail.
Is the looksmaxxing community racist?
Absolutely not, but the racemaxxing community I’m part of definitely is.
How much testosterone have you taken today?
Well, I currently have six more testicles than I woke up with this morning.
Are you okay?
I’m actually pretty well-adjusted compared to most 20-year-old men.
What are some of the biggest problems facing today’s young men?
Me.
What’s next for you?
I might try becoming attractive to women.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are
It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.
Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate.
Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done.
So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?
Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.”
Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage.
Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice?
Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.
Insidious Advertising: Thousands Of People Have Begun Noticing Eye Floaters Shaped Like Cameron Winter
In recent weeks, the band Geese has come under fire over the marketing tactics that made them a viral sensation in 2025, with fans and critics alike now labeling them “industry plants.” However, their use of fake fan accounts to manipulate social media algorithms looks innocent compared to this: Thousands of people have begun noticing eye floaters shaped like Cameron Winter.
Oof. Cameron’s not beating the “psyop” allegations anytime soon.
According to a new Pitchfork article, people across the country are developing “Winter Floaters” – eye floaters that bear an uncanny resemblance to Geese frontman Cameron Winter. The phenomenon was first observed by Dr. Alicia Moore, a Brooklyn-based optometrist, whose patients began reporting “one or more eye floaters shaped like a lanky, unkempt boy with shaggy hair.” Then, after a patient specifically referenced “Cameron Winter” to describe their eye floater, Dr. Moore looked up photos of the singer and showed them to the other patients, who all confirmed that he was exactly what their eye floaters looked like.
“When they asked who Cameron Winter was, I’d tell them he was a singer for a band called Geese, and they’d look up his music and come to their follow-up appointments wearing Geese merch,” explained Dr. Moore, whose waiting room is now regularly packed with people in Geese shirts, all seeking treatment for eye floaters. “Then they’d ask why their eye floater was shaped like their new favorite musician, Cameron Winter, and that’s when I began to wonder if I’d unwittingly participated in a music marketing firm’s promotional strategy.”
Last fall, Dr. Moore presented the Cameron Winter eye floater phenomenon at a conference organized by the American Optometric Association, and found that dozens of optometrists from throughout the United States were observing the same. The doctors compared patient data, and determined that as of autumn 2025, over 6,000 Americans were affected by “Winter Floaters.” By now, the number is likely far higher.
“In light of the discourse about this band’s sudden rise to social media ubiquity, it’s hard to believe that thousands of people developed Winter Floaters around the same time by sheer coincidence,” said Dr. Moore, who clarified that Winter Floaters are harmless, except for one extreme case where a patient’s Winter Floaters multiplied in number and size to the point of permanently blinding them.
Chaotic Good Projects, Geese’s P.R. agency, declined our requests for comments.
Whether it was Cameron Winter’s marketing team who got these floaters in people’s eyes, and how they pulled that off, remains a mystery. If it was indeed the Geese team, their campaign’s success is backfiring on Winter and the band, because it’s tactics like this that are making them synonymous with “industry plants.”
Have you experienced Winter Floaters? Let us know in the comments!
Everyone Has A Special Power: This Man Emits A ‘Shirtless Man’ Vibe Even While Wearing A Shirt
Did you know that everyone has a special power, even if they don’t know it?
It could be something simple, like being kind when others need it the most. It could be something remarkable, like being a brain surgeon or a ballerina. Or, as in this man’s case, it could be emitting a “shirtless man” vibe even while wearing a shirt.
Now there’s a special power you don’t hear about every day!
When this man walks by someone, they often have to do a double take. At first glance it may appear as if he’s completely shirtless, due to his heavy “shirtless man” vibes.
Many a convenience store clerk has caught themself about to request this man put a shirt on, only to realize it was simply the energy he was giving off and not an actual lack of shirt that was causing this man to appear so incredibly shirtless.
There’s just something about this man’s combination of “I could be shirtless right now and be perfectly comfortable” confidence and vaguely inappropriate appearance that makes it seem like he doesn’t have a shirt on even though he totally does. Whether he was born giving off total shirtless vibes or it was a special power that he cultivated through years of chain smoking cigarettes and sort of looking like he just woke up all the time is unclear.
But what is clear is that this man is as shirtless as someone can seem while wearing a shirt.
And that’s a pretty cool special power. What’s yours?
Making Things Right: President Trump Has Announced That Following The WHCD Shooting, The Secret Service Agent Whose Job It Is To Let In Shooters Has Been Fired
Over the weekend, The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was tragically interrupted by a shooting that has raised many questions regarding the safety of the venue and the security measures that were in place. Fortunately, President Trump has swiftly ensured that something like this will never happen again, as he has just announced that the Secret Service agent whose job it is to let in shooters has been fired.
Now that’s now you make things right!
According to White House sources, as soon as the Cabinet members were evacuated from the Hilton, President Trump took to Truth Social to clear up misconceptions about how the shooter made his entry, and what steps were being taken following this incident.
“Sadly a DEMENTED SHOOTER decided it was appropriate to SHOOT during a Magician’s fantastic performance during the White House Correspondents Dinner. I Hear many have questioned how a shooter got inside, let alone with a SHOOTING DEVICE. I can clear this up easily. The shooter was let inside by the Agent whose “Secret Job” it is to let shooters inside.
As is Customary, the “Secretive Service” agent followed protocol at security by confirming the Shooter 1.) Had no invitation to the Gala, 2.) Has gun, and 3. *MOST IMPORTANT* Has intent to Kill. Upon confirmation the gun was LOADED (as IS REQUIRED), the shooter was ushered inside to a FANTASTIC seat (EXCELLENT VIEW of PRESIDENT TRUMP and the MENTALIST) where he was fed a GREAT STEAK MEAL!
Yes,, the SHOOTER was permitted inside, treated to Fine American “MAGA” generosity and FREE BULLETS for his Weapon. All courtesies he did NOT show us in return when he SHOOTED! So,, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, The Secret Service agent who gave him Entry has BEEN FIRED. I will make AMENDS with the Magician as well, for his excellent Mentalist show was ruined by Shooter’s SELFISH DECISION to shoot his Loaded Gun.”
Wow. It’s a very upsetting situation, but on the bright side, President Trump is quickly taking action.
White House representatives confirm that the Secret Service agent in question has been relocated to the US-Mexico border, where his job will now be to let illegal immigrants into the country so that they can be immediately deported by ICE. Let’s hope that whoever replaces this Secret Service agent does a better job letting in shooters, because this was seriously not okay.
Close, But No Cigar: The Butterflies Mom Thinks Are A Sign That Grandpa Wants Her To Know He’s In A Better Place Are Actually Signs That The Late John McCain Wants Her To Kill For Him
Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him.
Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.
Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.
Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.
Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!
Duffel Blog
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.”
“These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”
Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile
ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.”
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Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
The Poke
Everyone enjoyed the A++ takedown of this woman who complained that people’s bad English was an utter turn-off for her
Been a while since we did a ‘comeback of the week’ but if we did then it would surely be this. It’s a winning response to this woman who complained about how people’s bad English was such a turn-off for her. The exchange went viral after it was shared by @onetruechap over on Twitter. Boom. […]
The Poke.
Forget about No Kings, this Artemis II astronaut’s response to a typically on-brand Donald Trump made her everyone’s Queen today
Never one to miss an opportunity to piggyback – unfortunate turn of phrase – on someone else’s success, Donald Trump invited the Artemis II astronauts to the White House to have their pictures taken while he sat in front of them. President Trump Participates in a Greeting with Artemis II Astronauts https://t.co/VN2RV3xXOn — The White […]
The Poke.
A comedian proudly shared a video of a ‘triggered girl’ at his stand-up show but the internet reckoned the joke was entirely on him
To the world of Canadian stand-up Ben Bankas who’s just gone wildly viral on Twitter after he posted a clip of a ‘triggered girl’ in the front row of one his shows. Except people aren’t sure it’s quite the win he thought it was. Because … look. Triggered girl at comedy show… pic.twitter.com/z1BC2qG7Rd — Ben […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump confused Ukraine with Iran, if you were wondering whether President Peace Prize should have the nuclear codes
It must be hard to keep track when you’ve ended eight to ten wars and can’t understand why the Nobel committee hasn’t been battering down your door to give you a Peace Prize for each one. To add to the confusion, you might theoretically have started a war yourself, without thinking through the consequences, and […]
The Poke.
Americans shared the everyday things they had no idea were weird until they talked to a non-American – 17 out of this world realisations
Ah, America. The land of the free, the home of people who don’t realise their cultural differences. Perhaps that should come as no surprise. After all, their country is the size of a continent. But for Yanks who have travelled further afield, it’s not long until they see their way of life anew. This prompted […]
The Poke.
