BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Shifting uncomfortably in his chair and glancing around for the waiter, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was wondering if the fact his date kept describing her ex as “crazy” was a red flag, sources confirmed Friday. “She’s going on and on about all this allegedly insane stuff he’s said and done, but come on, how bad can the guy really be?” said Hamilton, who witnesses described as spending most of the evening nodding sympathetically and repeating, “Woah, dodged a bullet” in response to the 45-year-old businesswoman’s ravings. “She was saying his politics are ‘nuts?’ That apparently he’s lowkey a Nazi but also Black? It doesn’t really add up. Nobody’s ex is that crazy.” At press time, Hamilton was searching for the woman’s ex on Instagram so he could get his side of the story.

The post Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex ‘Crazy’ appeared first on The Onion.

A U.S. district judge ruled Buffalo Wild Wings can continue to call its popular menu item “boneless wings” even though they are “essentially chicken nuggets.” What do you think?

“I always just get bone-ins and ask for the bones on the side.”

Zoe Barlow, Horticultural Essayist

---

“Makes you wonder how loco the pollo we’re eating actually is.”

Joel Avrin, Bread Bagger

---

“The casual dining chicken restaurant told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

Gary McArdle, Macaron Displayer

The post Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using ‘Boneless’ Chicken On Menu appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO—Remarking upon the charmed existence he had led since changing his course in life, former illustrator Allan Mansour confirmed Friday that the universe had practically been stumbling over itself to reward him for his decision to stop making art. “Gosh, my bank account is full, my personal life is flourishing, I have the respect of my friends back—and all it took was giving up the one creative pursuit I thought gave my life purpose,” said Mansour, a broad, warm smile spreading over his face as he reflected on how, in the months since he abandoned his decades-long artistic journey, he had met a supportive romantic partner, found a stable job in marketing, moved out of his childhood home, mended a poor relationship with his father, and enjoyed a run of beautiful weather that included a meteor shower, one he couldn’t help but see as the cosmos telling him he was right to finally discard his pathetic teenage dream. “When I was putting all my old canvases up in the attic, I found my running shoes and actually went jogging. So it’s not just the world out there. I feel great inside, too. Just sign after sign that this was the right call. Funny all it took was turning my back on my lifelong dream of ever creating something of value.” Mansour added that his only regret was ignoring the countless signs the universe had given him during his childhood, teens, and twenties warning him against embarking on this path in the first place.

The post Universe Practically Stumbling Over Itself To Reward Man’s Decision To Stop Making Art appeared first on The Onion.

The U.S. and New Zealand are the only two countries in the world that allow direct-to-consumer prescription drug advertising. The Onion examines the pros and cons of pharmaceutical ads. 

PRO

Great way to learn about exciting new side effects

Lets international tourists visiting U.S. know exactly what they’re in for

Good reminder to not take Skyrizi if allergic to Skyrizi

Would never have gotten to 23 seasons of NCIS without them

CON

Might offend consumers who enjoy their severe colitis

Can’t name your baby Ebglyss now that you know it’s taken by an eczema medication

Painful reminder that unaffordable solutions to your problems exist

Truly great drugs sell themselves

The post Pros And Cons Of Drug Advertising appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kobe Bryant Mural Includes Graffitied Footnote About Eagle, Colorado appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom's presidential prospects tanked sharply this week after the nation finally realized he was the guy running California.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a ruling stripping him of his ability to impose emergency tariffs, a visibly furious President Donald Trump imposed a 1,000% tariff on the United States Supreme Court.

MILANO — One of the world's most infamous supervillains announced plans to unleash years of pent-up frustration on the innocent residents of an unsuspecting American city, as the Joker vowed to take revenge on Gotham City after finishing in 13th place in figure skating at the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics.

TORRANCE, CA — Jeremy Fales, a local marketer for a Fortune 500 company, reportedly had an epiphany on Thursday when he traced his lifelong cocaine addiction back to his childhood love of Fun Dip.

OTTAWA — The international community had reportedly changed its tune on assisted suicide, even going so far as to openly praise Canada following an announcement by Prime Minister Mark Carney that they had successfully euthanized Nickelback.

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

Since the DOJ released its newest batch of documents concerning the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, multiple prominent individuals have stepped down due to their appearance in the files, and it seems like the fallout isn’t over yet: The CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc. has just stepped down after emails between him and Jeffrey Epstein surfaced.

Oh no! Looks like another one bites the dust.

Despite his image as a clean cut, by-the-books businessman, it seems that longtime CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., William “Gropemaster” Pervert, may have been partaking in nefarious activity, as newly released documents show a years-long friendship with the late Jeffrey Epstein. The 500-plus emails between the two show that Mr. Pervert allegedly visited Epstein’s island at least 50 times, always bringing with him young girls he’d sex trafficked through his company Sex Trafficking Inc., which is not only a conflict of interest in violation of his noncompete clause, but a major overreach of his corporate powers as well.

Check out the message posted on Sex Trafficking Inc.’s socials below:

A Note To The Sex Trafficking Inc. Community

In light of the recently released documents pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein, Sex Trafficking Inc. CEO William “Gropemaster” Pervert has ended his 32-year career with Sex Trafficking Inc.

We at Sex Trafficking Inc. had no knowledge of Mr. Pervert’s behavior nor his friendship with Mr. Epstein. Through his relationship with a convicted sex offender, Mr. Pervert has let down not only the good people working under him at Sex Trafficking Inc., but the entire sex trafficking community. 

Most upsetting is that the files revealed the many times Mr. Pervert overstepped his corporate bounds, including times he asked those in Sex Trafficking Inc.’s Sex Crimes division to aid his personal sex crimes. At Sex Trafficking Inc. we do not take this lightly, as employees may only use company trafficking resources (funds, planes, threats of intimidation) for professional sex crimes. Never personal ones.

We have always taken very seriously the core tenets of our company—veracity, honor, and devotion—and we acknowledge that Mr. Pervert’s actions did not reflect these values. We’re deeply sorry for any harm Mr. Pervert’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein may have caused, and we look forward to returning to sharing sex trafficking tips and tricks under the guidance of a new CEO very soon.

Wow… Who could have seen this coming?! If Jeffrey Epstein managed to befriend the CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., it just goes to show how truly embedded the late financier was in elite society, and just how far his disturbing influence may have reached.

It’s been over two weeks since Nancy Guthrie was kidnapped, and the Guthrie family is still without answers. Now, thanks to a reckless blunder committed by Trump’s appointed FBI Director, public faith in the case’s investigators is fading fast: Kash Patel has apologized after prematurely announcing that Nancy Guthrie was just stuck in Jumanji.

Yikes. Where the hell did President Trump even find this guy? Kash Patel just made a horrible situation so much worse!

At an emergency press conference held this morning, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that “law enforcement has confirmed Nancy Guthrie is just stuck in Jumanji, the supernatural board game from the 1995 Robin Williams’ movie of the same name.” This was a declaration that Patel would walk back 45 minutes later, after further examination of the evidence and dissection of several YouTube clips from the 1995 action-adventure film disproved any and all connections between the fictional board game Jumanji and Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. 

“I’d like to apologize to the Guthrie family for any false hope I may have given them when I pointed out that Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji disappeared for 26 years, but it turned out he just got sucked into the board game and had to live in a jungle until another player rolled a five or eight. I was 1000% certain Nancy was in the exact same situation, but in actuality, I spoke without verifying all the facts at hand,” explained Patel in a retraction of his statement.

“Earlier today, I instructed employees across the FBI to drop what they were doing and try to roll fives and eights with board game dice in order to bring Nancy back from the jungle. This order was given even despite the risk of a lion coming out of the board game with her, like what happened in the Robin Williams movie—it was a risk we were willing to take if it meant reuniting her with her family,” Patel continued. “While I regret the distraction my theory caused, the Guthrie family can at least take solace in knowing that Nancy is NOT in the jungle from Jumanji, which the FBI has proven beyond all doubt as of today.”

You really, really hate to see people like this in charge of America’s federal law enforcement…Kash Patel is setting the FBI’s reputation back by decades.

How someone this profoundly incompetent wound up in charge of the FBI is a question we, as a nation, need to address. Look, if we’re Nancy Guthrie’s family, we are hiring a private military company ASAP, because we are not feeling good about her chances with Kash Patel running things. Otherwise, all we can say is that we are praying for Nancy’s safe return home, and for her captors to be brought to justice immediately!

While the controversial documentary Melania has been heavily criticized and bombarded with negative reviews, it does have some interesting moments. Here are six times in the Melania documentary where Melania accidentally rolls her face up in a car window. 

1. Before The Opening Credits Roll

In an interesting creative choice by the film’s director, we see Melania’s face being rolled up in a car window before the film’s credits even roll. Melania is shown in the back of a limousine waving to a group of fans through an open window, which she then begins to roll up while her head is still hanging well outside the limo. “How do I stop it doing that?!” she shouts to no one in particular, panicking while her lips and ears are fully rolled up in the closed window, the bunched-up skin pinched in the window looking like an elephant ear pastry flopping up and down outside the car with every bump it hits. For a film so universally panned as being an overpriced fluff piece with no real substance, it’s actually a pretty fascinating opening scene. 

2. When She’s Being Driven To Trump’s Inauguration And Her Hat Is Too Big For Her Head To Fit In The Limousine So She Drives With It Hanging Out Of The Window And Accidentally Hits The Power Window Switch

The film centers around Trump’s second inauguration, and while everyone certainly remembers the meme-able black-and-white wide-brimmed hat she wore that nearly covered her entire face, there was apparently more to the story. The hat’s huge proportions meant that Melania couldn’t fit her head inside the car that was taking her to the inauguration, so she was forced to ride to the Capitol with her head hanging out of the window like a dog. Unfortunately, she accidentally leaned on the power window switch, causing her face to be quickly crushed by the presidential limo’s bulletproof glass. Apparently, an image of the iconic hat and Melania’s face skin hanging out of the barely cracked window like a cheap Halloween mask was actually used on the first draft of the film’s movie poster, but the filmmakers decided that they didn’t want to spoil such a pivotal scene and ended up scrapping it. 

3. When Melania Is Discussing How Proud She Is Of Barron While A Car Window Slowly Rolls Up On Her Face And Twists Her Head A Full 90 Degrees

While the film offers little substance about Trump and Melania’s only child together, Melania does make it clear she is proud of her son. A pride which, apparently, is capable of distracting her from the fact her face is being crushed by the window of a car while speaking about him. After Melania’s skull finally overwhelms the car window’s motor and stops it from rolling up any farther, Melania says through her bunched-up cheeks with her head at a perfect right angle from her neck, “My son’s name is Barron.” It’s an interesting scene which offers a perspective on motherhood rarely seen in film. 

4. When She Is Riding In The Hearse Carrying Jimmy Carter’s Body During His Funeral Procession For Some Reason And Intentionally Rolls Her Face Up In The Hearse Window So She Doesn’t Inhale His Ghost 

While most of the times Melania rolls her face up in a car window in Melania are accidental, there is one instance where she does it intentionally. During a scene covering the Trumps’ attendance of Jimmy Carter’s funeral service in Washington, Melania finds herself riding along with Carter’s casket in the hearse driving him to his final resting place for an unexplained reason. Melania glances back at the casket stowed in the back of the hearse with fear, rolls down her window, and then immediately rolls it back up leaving only her lips and nose outside. She explains via narration that, “I don’t want to breathe in the ghost so I do this.” Knowing a bit about Melania’s superstitions and the lengths she’ll go to avoid inhaling ghosts actually helps humanize the First Lady who is often criticized for appearing cold and robotic. 

5. When She’s On A Video Call With French First Lady Brigitte Macron Discussing Cyberbullying And Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In Her Car Window And Blames It On Cyberbullying 

Much of the film focuses on the First Lady’s attempts to help children, and at one point she consults with French First Lady Brigitte Macron and takes notes on France’s initiatives to combat cyberbullying. Unfortunately, as Macron is explaining that France has banned all social media for children under 11, Melania begins holding down her car’s power window switch and the car’s glass takes hold of most of Melania’s facial skin. The French First Lady watches helplessly while screaming, “Let go! Let go of the window button!” but in the panic the translators facilitating the call accidentally tell Melania to, “Push it harder! Push the window button harder!” resulting in Melania’s entire face temporarily being separated from her skull. After 15 minutes of struggling, Melania is finally able to pull her facial skin back over her skull and finish the call. Apparently unaware that the French First Lady was witness to the entire thing, Melania explains, “Sorry I was gone. I was just victim of a cyberbullying.” Say what you will about Melania being nothing more than a legal bribe by Amazon to President Trump, but there are at least a few scenes here that are nothing like anything you’ve seen before. 

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today.

SERE School, which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage.

“It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” said one soldier serving in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.”

According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release.

“Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, a SERE instructor. “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.”

Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the PRC could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said.

Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging highly classified information before the opening credits finished scrolling.

“Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “One SEAL even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.”

Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing.

“Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was just propaganda, no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.”

He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.”

Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school medical staff report that even some instructors are deteriorating.

“Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering ‘The horror’ over and over,” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.”

In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while singing the national anthem.

At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the Geneva Conventions.

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today.

“We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.”

During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House.

“As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT_CITY_FINAL_v7_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we used live ammunition for realism, so people still died for no reason.”

Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to influence foreign countries may actually lead to better outcomes.

“Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.”

Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear in the defense budget, though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.'

Psychological Operations Debuts New ‘Longest Tab’

The tab, to be placed on the upper left sleeve of any military uniform, can be worn by any service member that ever held the 37-series designation

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

Hopefully someone packed a straitjacket.

Duffel BlogCobra Commander

Pentagon says vaccinated troops no longer have to wear masks while throwing up in an Uber

Finally a return to normalcy.

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Army Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does Nothing

After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

Duffel BlogSgt B

Budget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cord

Every penny counts.

Duffel BlogCobra Commander

PERPETUALLY paranoid about ‘wasting the day’ staying in bed? Chill the f**k out by following this guide to enjoying it and not being knackered by 9pm: 

Do not plan every second

Being a slave to your diary won’t help you lie in bed scratching your arse. Don’t make any arrangements before midday, turn off notifications, close the curtains properly and ignore your bladder. It can hold on a bit longer if it really tries, and in return you won’t attempt a wank.

Stay up late the night before 

There is life after Newsnight. Stay up and see some of it, and then perhaps you’ll be tired enough to luxuriate in no alarm going off. Still finding yourself drowsy? Follow the wisdom of teenagers and stay up scrolling social media bullshit for far, far longer than you’re able to find it interesting. Then another hour after that.

Prepare your body

Usually exercise in the morning? Do it the night before instead. Shower in the morning? Wash in the evening. Usually have an evening Horlicks or soporific tea? Instead, knock back espresso martinis and vodka Red Bull until you keel over in a twitching, semi-conscious stupor. Lie-in guaranteed.

Ignore your mind

If you wake in the night for a 3am piss, perform the action without thought. If a man, sit on the toilet in darkness. Resist all thought, and especially long-nursed grudges about twat neighbours, arseholes online or how you’d have that argument with your partner better this time and win. These are not restful thoughts.

Ignore your partner

Often the reason you can’t lie in is due to your partner snoring, farting or poking you with an erection. Feign sleep anyway or lie: claim a parcel has arrived, or you heard the dog vomit, or simply ask them to leave the house forever and never come back. The means will justify the end when you’re curling up with the whole duvet.

Masturbate if necessary

If your own sexual thoughts are nudging you awake and you’re alone, crack one out. A morning glory or handy dildo will help but needn’t be a prerequisite for strumming off and wallowing in post-nut, warm bed, sleepy bliss.

Don’t fool yourself you’re important

The world won’t collapse if you roll over and grab an extra hour. Calm your frantic nervous system and racing heart with the understanding you’re a replaceable, insignificant cog in a the machine of capitalism and society will function fine without you. Like the Buddha, realise you are nothing. Then break wind and go back to sleep.

THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted? 

Helen Archer, GP: “The obvious choice: Kate, shoplifting. We all know she does it.”

Joe Turner, estate agent: “Harry and Meghan for wire fraud. No idea what it is but American celebrities are always getting done for it, and I for one would throw away the key.”

Eleanor Shaw, YouTuber: “Sophie, the Duchess of Edinburgh – who is really Diana. Who faked her own death, leaving the body of Jill Dando in the wreckage, then went on to become a TV star as she’d always dreamed, then got bored of it and faked her death a second time, murdering Sophie and taking her place as a Royal. I’ve plotted it all out. I’ve got charts.”

Nathan Muir, petroleum technician: “Camilla has always had the air of the madame of a high-class brothel to me, and she certainly has the means.”

Roy Hobbs, meter reader: “Princess Michael of Kent. Crimes against humanity.”

CONCERNED about whether your recent trip to Londis to buy Monster was one in which you were mogging, maxxing, or both? We explain: 

Maxxing

Derived from videogames, where a player will ‘max out’ a particular statistic, this means to concentrate all one’s efforts in a particular area. For instance, one could say ‘Jesus, Margot Robbie is really corsetmaxxing in that shite film.’

Mogging

The end point of maxxing, to ostentatiously become the best in a particular field. As in ‘Seen that Gordon Ramsay thing on Netflix? Basically six hours of twatmogging.’

Looksmaxxing

To max out one’s looks. Became prominent with internet personality Clavicular, who takes steroids, testosterone and hits himself in the face with a hammer to accentuate his bone structure. Also chants along to ‘Heil Hitler’ with Andrew Tate, which is Nazimaxxing.

Framemogging

To be far superior to a rival while standing next to them. For example, if Robert Jenrick were to attempt to give a tough speech on immigration but Nigel Farage were to sidle up toward the end, the former would have been framemogged at bigotmaxxing.

Jestermaxxing

Being as deliberately hilarious as possible, usually by acting out in real life an obscure meme which only came into existence three weeks ago and will be forgotten by March. As an adult, you will not find this funny and can remain joyfully unaware it is even happening.

Bootymogging

Having a conspicuously larger booty than those around you. This is only considered bootymogging if the efforts of all involved are deliberate, and is not bootymogging in the case of the morbidly obese woman who gets the 79 from Bulwell to Nottingham.

Mewmaxxing

Mewing is a ridiculous face the young pull to maintain a perfect Insta-ready jawline. Mewmaxxing is doing this more or less constantly. If a young person looks a total f**king dick, they may be mewmaxxing.

Reesmogging

Outdoing one’s peers in parliament by costuming oneself as an Edwardian gentleman, speaking in a ridiculously affected manner, and losing one’s seat. If an older man looks a total f**king dick on GB News, he may be reesmogging.

A MAN cannot understand what is happening as his latest bout of sexual intercourse extends into its tenth minute.

Tom Booker’s initial enthusiasm for sex has given way to confusion as his girlfriend appears to have enough stamina for their lovemaking to carry on beyond his familiar three to eight minute routine.

Booker said: “Don’t get me wrong, I like a good time as much as the next man. I’m just not sure where she’s going with this.

“We’ve already done a bit of hand stuff, and I even used my mouth for a few seconds before we stumbled into the missionary position for some awkward rutting. What more could she possibly want? Not anal, surely?

“Maybe this is some exotic new sex technique she read about in one of her glossy women’s magazines. I’m open to being a bit experimental every now and then, but maybe we should leave the tantric stuff to the experts like Sting.

“Not being funny but I was done minutes ago. I don’t mind treating her to an extra few seconds of pleasure, however I’m keenly aware that time is ticking on. The shops will be closing in about 10 hours so we can’t stay in bed all day.”

Booker’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so close. Another 45 minutes and that’ll be enough foreplay for me and we can move on to proper sex.”

While notoriously sweary and controversial comedians like Jimmy Carr or Frankie Boyle have their place, sometimes the jokes that really make us giggle are the most safe-for-work ones of all. They’ve been swapping their favourite silly gags on the AskReddit page after user digital_panda7 asked this: What G-Rated joke always cracks you up? And loads […]

The post Somebody asked for family-friendly jokes that always crack people up – 22 safe but still hilarious gems appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump has been addressing the attendees at the inaugural session of his controversial Board of Peace in Washington, D.C. As usual, his speech was a rambling head-scratcher where the audience struggled to keep up with his incoherent sentences, such as this excerpt shared by Acyn over on Twitter. Here’s Trump awkwardly complimenting Paraguay’s 48-year-old […]

The post Nothing to see here. Just Donald Trump telling the inaugural Board of Peace forum that he doesn’t like ‘young, handsome men’, because he likes women appeared first on The Poke.

A 2005 biblical literacy survey reported that 12 per cent of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was married to Noah. Of course, now that they all have Trump bibles, we suppose they’re clued up on the good book, and simply believe that a 34-times felon mentioned more than a million times in the Epstein […]

The post People discovered that 12 per cent of Americans think Joan of Arc was married to Noah, and the mockery was biblical – 19 favourites appeared first on The Poke.

We aren’t in the habit of using the word ‘Friyay’, and we’re not about to start now, but we get it, Friyayers, we get it …we feel that excitement, too. Not least because we’ve been reading everyone’s posts about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, and buzzing off them. We’ve also got all these non-AMW funny tweets to share […]

The post Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week appeared first on The Poke.

Time to check in once again with Elon Musk. What’s he been up to recently? Trying to influence foreign democracies? Having a pop at minorities? Amplifying the views of the far-right on Twitter? Well, yes, naturally. But he’s also been trumpeting the new iteration of his Grok AI chatbot, Grok 4.2, which he claims is […]

The post Elon Musk suggested that people share their medical records with Grok, and even Grok said that was a big, fat no-no appeared first on The Poke.