The Onion
Olivia Rodrigo Adds Adult Diapers To Merch Table
The Onion.
Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters
WASHINGTON—In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. “In their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact biological sex requirements necessary to sustain the nation’s developmental youth volleyball squads,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority opinion, adding that while the clauses about golf and gymnastics left some room for interpretation, the language surrounding net sports was quite clear. “In [James] Madison’s early letters to colonial-era volleyball coaches, he outlined several offensive and defensive plays that would only work for teams composed entirely of cisgender players. Moreover, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson listed the inclusion of male-at-birth athletes participating in women’s sports as one of the colonies’ chief grievances against King George III.” Roberts also noted that the founders dedicated all of Article VIII of the Constitution to describing effective setting and passing drills.
The Onion.
LeBron Hopeful New Team Has One Of His Kids On It Too
The Onion.
Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan
PITTSBURGH—Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O’Malley’s Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. “You can just tell he lives and breathes the sport, because the second those morning matches come on, he’s already right there in his usual seat, downing pint after pint just like they do in Europe,” said bartender Kevin Lacey, adding that Munson’s love for the sport was so intense he often seemed physically unable to go a single morning without it, always showing up to watch whatever matches were on, regardless of whether he was a fan of the clubs playing. “Most American fans only care about soccer every four years, but Brian is the real deal. He’ll come in on a Tuesday morning and just bask in the glow of the TVs for hours on end while nursing his beers. He gets so invested that sometimes he’ll just sit there and quietly weep to himself, presumably because his favorite club lost. The guy’s a real soccerholic.” Lacey added that Munson typically stayed at the bar long after the matches had ended, because for true fans like him, soccer was more than just watching games—it was a whole way of life.
The Onion.
Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat
WASHINGTON—Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. “There’s a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, so you’d better evacuate everyone as fast as you can, don’t even bother stopping to count how many people there are,” Trump said from his Oval Office phone, pinching his nose in an effort to disguise his voice. “You’ll regret it big time if all the attendees, however many there may possibly be, don’t flee back to their homes this instant. This incredibly successful and beloved event is officially over!” According to sources, the president concluded the warning by casually stating his name was Sleepy Joe Biden and then hanging up the receiver.
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Ron Paul Scales Empire State Building To Unveil Flag Reading 'End The Fed!'
NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"
Entire Democrat Party Placed On 'No Fly' List
U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced on Thursday that it had officially placed the entire Democratic Party on the No Fly List.
Democrats Vow To Reform ICE So It Only Deports Immigrants Who Love America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats were getting out the vote early ahead of the November midterms, pledging to reform U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) so it only deports immigrants who love America.
Mom Threatens Kids With A Road Trip If They Don't Behave
BIRMINGHAM, AL — A new technique for managing children was discovered this week, as local woman Sarah Bailey got her kids to behave by threatening them with a fun family road trip.
Sad: Woman Gives Birth On Border And Now Only Baby's Top Half Is American
EL PASO, TX — Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U.S.-Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea
WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information.Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.”“Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.”Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache.“The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’”Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer.“It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.”Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information.Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career.“You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.”Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.”Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough.“For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?”The judge appeared unconvinced.After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions.Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions.At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.
Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously
THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time.“There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.”Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy.“We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.”For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously.Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic.“People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.”“It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added.
Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration
THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”
Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.
According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.
“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”
To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.
“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”
Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.
“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.
He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”
Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.
“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”
Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.
“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.
Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.
“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...
Paid subscriber dispatch
The rest of this article is for paid members
You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing.
Continue reading →
Also included with membership:
Every Duffel Blog story
The complete archive
Exclusive newsletters and features
The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything
Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean
The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting.And nobody is going home until it’s clean.Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service.It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it.Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it.Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way.Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out.Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete.Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over.For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work.Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better.Now fall in for formation.I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR.Wait.Where’s Wallace?He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death.The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.”“That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.”According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.”Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades.Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy.“I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.”For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses.Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit.“This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.”Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription.“If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987.At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.
Daily Mash
Joni Mitchell in blackface, and other artists who got away with it
IT’S genuinely amazing what people will overlook if you can churn out decent songs. Why don’t more music fans care about these atrocities?
Joni Mitchell in blackface
Known for her introspective melancholia, Joni Mitchell has an astonishing history with blackface. She wore it on stage, applied it for an album cover shoot and even attended parties using it as a disguise. As late as 2015 she was referring to her ‘blackness’ in interviews. Knowing all this is so painful it manages to make Love Actually worse.
John Lennon beating his wife
By his own admission, Lennon was physically abusive towards women. Although he managed to to calm his temper in a sensible way with copious amounts of pot, LSD and, later, heroin. Beatles lyrics openly referenced beating up women and yet ‘goo goo g’joob’ is what people remember.
David Bowie doing a Nazi salute
Of Bowie’s many characters, ‘Off His Nut On Cocaine Fascist Man’ is probably not many people’s favourite. Openly declaring a love for totalitarianism and greeting crowds of adoring fans with dubious hand gestures was all in a day’s work for mid-seventies Bowie. Still, it was less offensive than that drum and bass rubbish he did later.
The Prodigy releasing Smack My Bitch Up
Considered one of the greatest dance acts of all time, fans overlooked some dodgy lyrics to experience an adrenaline rush of raw electronic punk. The band claimed it wasn’t supposed to be taken literally but it didn’t help that the video depicted drug-fuelled acts of sexual assault and violence. Luckily the twist at the end avoids any misogyny! Oh. No it doesn’t because that’s just the video and it’s still not okay.
Michael Jackson being an alleged paedophile
Everyone knows about Michael Jackson’s alleged paedophilia and yet society collectively shrugs and accepts that Billie Jean is a banger. Alleged paedophile Michael Jackson’s Thriller is still played at kids’ Halloween parties. There’s a bloody film celebrating alleged paedophile Michael Jackson containing precisely no alleged paedophilia. Thank God Jimmy Savile didn’t write Smooth Criminal or we’d be stuck with him too.
Eric Clapton’s racist rant
An astonishing racist tirade on stage in 1976 seems to have been largely brushed off as the consequence of substance abuse. How many people can say they deployed a volley of racist slurs and started chanting ‘Keep Britain White’ because they had a few too many ales? Hardly drunken snog territory. Tickets for Clapton’s autumn 2026 tour are selling well.
Couple not acknowledging drunken filthy sex they had last night
A COUPLE seem to be pretending they did not get pissed and do outrageously dirty things to each other last night.
After sharing two bottles of red wine, Joshua Hudson and Lauren Hewitt explored the deepest realms of unhygienic intimacy, but this morning it is as if it never happened.
Hudson said: “I’ve seen videos on dodgy porn sites that look tame compared to what we did last night. But now it seems we’re playing it cool.
“When I came downstairs Lauren offered me an orange juice. I gratefully accepted, keen to remove the residual taste in my mouth. But when I told her she looked tired, she said she’d had a restless night and it must be the heat.
“As I watched her eat a yoghurt, disgusting memories swam across my mind. Then we chatted logistics. Who was taking which child to what hobby? Who was best placed to do the big shop?
“When Lauren‘s foot accidentally touched my leg, she apologised as if I were a work colleague. She wasn’t fussed about entering my personal space last night.
“Then she asked me to book her car into the garage because she’d noticed a ‘service due’ indicator light. I guess the mutual depravity is just something of which we will never speak. What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.”
Hewitt said: “Did we have sex last night including some stuff many people would flatly refuse to try? I’d completely forgotten about that.”
Your crypto investment guide, with cryptocurrency understander and tech genius Donald Trump
DONALD Trump has made at least $1 billion from cryptocurrency, it has emerged. So who better to give advice on putting your money into this risky and complex investment?
Launch your own cryptocurrency
Obviously you can’t make money from crypto in a legitimate way, so set up your own with an ego-boosting name like ‘Trumpcoin’. Was there a ‘Bidencoin’ that rapidly lost 97 per cent of its value and screwed ordinary investors? No. That guy’s a loser.
Attract the stupidest investors in the world
If you’re an amoral piece of shit selling a product that screams ‘SCAM!’, you’ll need dumb investors. And that’s where MAGA comes in. They’re unlikely to worry about the inherent instability of currency without a central bank when they think Michelle Obama is a man because some dicks on the internet say so.
Get your family involved
I put my sons Don Jr and Eric in charge of my cryptocurrency. There’s nothing more American than a wholesome family-owned business, and if it turns out to have done a load of illegal stuff and they go to prison, who cares? They’re only your children, so it’s not like you’re close.
Make sure you understand it
Never get involved in crypto without knowing how it works. The last thing you want is for your blockchains to get clogged with too many Bitcoins, which might make liquidity leak everywhere. Luckily there’s no one in the world who understands cryptocurrency like me. Everything is computer.
Learn from actual crimes
Many criminal scams involve taking money on false pretences, like selling products you’ve no intention of sending or persuading someone to buy the Eiffel Tower. If this appeals to you, you should definitely start your own cryptocurrency. It’s totally legal and you don’t even have to set up a crummy website full of suspiciously cheap Xboxes.
Make sure you’re president
Your foray into cryptocurrency will be aided by becoming president so that crypto shysters desperately want to start a company with you, and you can lure in more suckers by saying you’ll make America into a ‘crypto superpower’. This sounds like I’m about to tank the US economy with crypto bullshit, but don’t worry, I’ll be fine.
Get out early
The trick with crypto is to watch it massively increase in value, then get rid of it faster than someone who’s just been handed a warm dog turd. It’s the only way to invest in this totally legitimate currency of the future.
England squad has makings of world class five-a-side team
FANS have agreed the current England squad could make up an absolutely unmatchable five-a-side team, if FIFA are amenable to changing the format.
While it would be unorthodox to completely rewrite the rules of the entire World Cup at this late stage just to suit a single country, FIFA have already added extra teams, hydration breaks and brought Ronaldo back from the dead so it does not seem impossible.
Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Come on, Gianni. It’s good for ratings to have England involved, but you can see for yourself we can’t do it with eleven men.
“So let’s give Konsa, Spence and Rashford the flight home they so richly deserve and get England roaring with a tight five like a bunch of lads on artificial grass on a Tuesday night.
“Kane obviously, Bellingham obviously, Rice and Guehi backing them up, and I suppose Pickford in goal though if anyone else fancies a go they could hardly do worse.
“A couple of subs at the side and it’d be powerful end-to-end stuff, especially if Mexico are only informed of the change ten minutes before the match. Let’s change it up. Freshen things a little. If we don’t do this, we’ll f**king lose.”
Harry Kane said: “Who says we’re a one-man team? It’s more one man and his team of able assistants.”
It appeared in Shrek 3, and other reasons the Bayeux Tapestry is so important
CONFUSED as to why public demand for tickets to see the Bayeux Tapestry in the UK is so high? Learn about its importance with this guide.
It’s about some historical thing
Nobody is sure what though. It can’t be how we won World War II because Churchill isn’t on it everyone is and fighting with bows and arrows. It’s not our 1966 World Cup win either because it predates that by a few years. No wonder everyone wants to pay it a visit and solve this eternal mystery.
It appeared in Shrek 3
Correctly known as Shrek the Third. You can spot it in the background when Shrek walks into Worcestershire Academy if you pause the film and zoom right in. As well as suggesting that the Shrek universe takes place in our medieval past, the Bayeux Tapestry is also the highlight of an otherwise disappointing third outing for the beloved green ogre.
It’s propping up the tapestry industry
Just as shitty celeb memoirs and Richard Osman books keep the lights on at publishing houses, the Bayeux Tapestry is singlehandedly keeping the textile storytelling industry afloat. The tale it depicts might be trashy tapestry fare for the masses, but it pays for artisans to weave more literary stories about depressed university professors shagging their students.
It might be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe
The Bayeux Tapestry is like an old, wordless comic, which means it might be connected to the upcoming Avengers: Doomsday arc. Nerds are likely snapping up tickets to see if Ant-Man or the Fantastic Four make a subtle cameo among the Norman forces. Spider-Man won’t make an appearance of course due to Sony being a dick about rights.
It’ll be near the really good British Museum cafes
These hidden gems can be really hard to find among all the artefacts the British Museum has stolen. Luckily for visitors, the Bayeux Tapestry will guide them towards the delicious selection of freshly made sandwiches and cakes the museum is famous for. The historical linen tapestry will also serve as a handy napkin to wipe away any grease and crumbs.
The Poke
Who would have thought anyone could be this passionate about how you eat your noodles
Chinese food chain Xi’an Famous Foods started out as a stall in Flushing, New York, but now has 12 very popular restaurants across the city – and it gets amazing reviews. This poster advising customers who want to take their food to go gives a big hint as to why it’s such a success. I […]
The Poke.
‘What scientific discovery sounds fake but is 100% real and still freaks you out?’ – 19 facts to bring out your inner sceptic
In the words of Bill the Quill, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy”, and that doesn’t only refer to people from the 16th or 17th centturies. There are plenty of things that the modern human finds difficult to wrap their heads around, and plenty we […]
The Poke.
That couple who climbed the Empire State Building were already amazing but this police helicopter pilot’s chat with air traffic control takes it to whole new heights
You will have seen, no doubt, the amazing video of the couple who climbed to the top of the Empire State Building in New York and when we say top, we really do mean the very top. Masked protesters fly a banner at the very top of the Empire State Building in New York City […]
The Poke.
Karoline Leavitt flew aboard the new Air Force One but there was only one thing anyone was talking about and it’s hilarious
Karoline Leavitt recently returned from maternity leave to rejoin the Trump Administration in its mission to destroy democracy. But rather than pop back up behind the podium at the White House to lecture and lie to reporters, Trump’s Press Secretary boarded the brand new Air Force One for its maiden voyage. Leavitt posted a trio […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump met with an AI version of Theodore Roosevelt and everyone was convinced of the same thing after seeing the footage
The number of people who believe Donald Trump is cognitively capable of running America is dwindling. This latest clip might shrink that number down to zero. The President was on hand to help open the Theodore Roosevelt Presidential Library in North Dakota this week. During his tour, he had the opportunity to meet with an […]
The Poke.
