The Onion
RFK Jr. Spins Brain On Finger
The Onion.
Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself
SAN JOSE, CA—With his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. “So you’re telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own?” said the toddler’s mom, Sandra, furrowing her brow while retrieving a red plastic triceratops from behind the smashed LCD. “And this toy dinosaur—your favorite toy dinosaur, which we’ve repeatedly warned you not to throw inside the house—was already under a pile of broken glass when you got here? Hmm. That’s interesting. Very interesting. It’s just that your father and I have never heard of a TV destroying itself like that before. Have you? It doesn’t seem like something that happens very often.” At press time, a terrified Timmy was struggling to articulate how the carpet had doused itself in pee.
The Onion.
Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations
ST. LOUIS—Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. “We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and socialize with tavern wenches,” said lead researcher Michael Kempe, noting that the study’s conclusions also align with a recent downswing in attendance at jousting matches. “Over the years there has been, for some reason, a noticeable reduction in quaffing a goat’s horn overflowing with mead after vanquishing a beast. Perhaps with marijuana use and vaping on the rise, it’s natural to see the market for crude, sickly sweet fermented beverages shrink. In addition, Gen Z seems to be more frugal when it comes to indulgences like tossing a coin to a lyre player to regale one’s fellow bannermen with a jaunty ballad.” Kempe added that due to the increased dominance of the internet, there was also a steady downtick in youths passing down long poems through oral tradition.
The Onion.
Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arby’s Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers
WASHINGTON—Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby’s menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nation’s meat lovers. “French Dip Royale, Classic Beef ’N Cheddar, Double Beef ’N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef ’N Cheddar—that’s from the Arby’s slow roasted beef menu, items one through four,” the commander-in-chief said while a retinue of Arby’s executives stood behind him with their eyes closed and their hands clasped in prayer. “This is my favorite: Arby’s value menu, item two—ham slider. I love ham sliders. Don’t we love ham sliders, America? I read this passage every night before I go to sleep. It’s calming.” At press time, Trump’s approval rating had skyrocketed by 30 points.
The Onion.
What To Know About Tariff Refunds
Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trump’s tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Here’s what you need to know about tariff refunds.
Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trump’s tariffs?
A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan.
Q: How does a business qualify for a refund?
A: They find a hair in their imported steel.
Q: Will consumers see any money from this?
A: Serious questions only, please.
Q: As a small business owner, how do I apply?
A: The Trump administration has created a dedicated new website specifically for losing your application.
Q: Will this lower retail prices?
A: Kroger executives have—shall we say—become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Q: How long will the refund process take?
A: Until everyone forgets about it.
The Onion.
ClickHole
A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’
Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners.
Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy.
Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with.
When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].”
“Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.”
President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists.
Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves!
It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.
This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall
Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.
What do you notice?
Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?
Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.
This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.
It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.
Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.
Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.
You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.
Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.
Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’
If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.”
Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times.
Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society.
“I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.”
For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.
We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis
While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what.
Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.
The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker
One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker.
It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris.
When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table.
But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.
“I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.”
As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker.
Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.
Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address
If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning.
After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain.
PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.
This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you?
Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.
Duffel Blog
Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile
ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.”
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Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Daily Mash
How the big, beautiful UK holiday I’m making you have this summer will be history’s greatest, by Donald Trump
BRITAIN? Nowhere better for a holiday, if they’d get rid of those goddamn windmills. And thanks to me beating Iran, you’ll have the greatest UK break. Here’s how:
No Iranians
Can’t get on the golf course? Because Iranians have taken the best tee times. Waiting an hour in line to scream in the face of a Berenstain Guard? All the Iranians are ahead of you. That won’t happen this summer, because I’ve closed the Strait of Hormuz so they can’t leave. The sun loungers on Blackpool beach will be yours to bake on.
No Europeans
I hate Europeans, which is to say Muslims because Islam has taken over the entire continent with the white race hiding in the woods. But good news is they won’t be able to fly just like you can’t because oil’s gone up which is great for the US and great for you. And we can send Tommy Robinson back, I don’t want to meet him, he’s low class.
No tanning
I myself, owning beachfront property with a lease on the same in Gaza, am always naturally bronzed and my eyes are naturally white. But that’s Trump’s thing. You can’t be be tan so a holiday in the UK where the sun hides is perfect for you to remain white, the best colour, the greatest colour for you.
No ice cream
No oil means no generators means no ice cream, which is fantastic because all the ice-cream’s for me. I have two scoops. Aides tell me ice-cream isn’t like gold and there isn’t a limited supply of it, I don’t listen. Anyway it’s great because now you won’t drop your ice-cream and cry and vow vengeance on everyone, which happened to me aged seven.
You are permitted to gaze at America
Lucky you, because if you go to the West coast of your loser country with no Navy, you may gaze upon the magnificence of the US. You can see the gold glint of Trump Tower from across the Atlantic, and there’s currently no fee for doing so. You’ll never get there. The Titanic sank, just like I warned everybody beforehand that it would.
I will give your King some corn
King Charles, great personal friend of mine, we like each other a lot, is coming to visit me next week. And to show there’s no hard feelings from you cowards not standing up to tyranny I’m giving him ten tonnes of American corn to distribute. You guys don’t have corn because it’s ours, but you’ll like it a lot. One kernel each, Christians only.
Man wants to be teenager in mid-90s when he grows up
A MAN wants to be in the prime of his youth in an era he has intense nostalgia for as he gets older, he has revealed.
Tom Booker’s ideal vision of adulthood is to be an age where he has zero responsibilities during a time where all his favourite musicians were releasing their best work and the economy was not totally knackered.
He said: “Forget having a successful career and a lovely wife. I’d much prefer to play GoldenEye 007 on the N64 all day and not have to work.
“I’m not being naive or unambitious. Who wouldn’t want to have their whole life ahead of them in an era that academics frequently refer to as a ‘holiday from history’? Plus I could buy loads of Apple and Amazon shares for f**k all.
“There’s no reason for me to want to be in my mid-40s in the current climate. Pop culture is increasingly alienating to me, and my lower back pains are only going to get worse. Every way you slice it, being 17 in 1998 sounds better.”
He added: “Imagine being able to watch England fumble the World Cup live then listening to the shitty new Catatonia record. Magic.”
The six incredibly woke items that killed Football Focus
FOOTBALL Focus has been cancelled after assailing ordinary, decent football fans with a hellish storm of BBC wokeness. These items meant it had to die:
‘Was Robbie Savage’s ponytail cultural appropriation?’
Robbie Savage, a midfielder for Leicester City in the dark ages before the dawn of woke, had a ponytail even though he was not indigenous, except to Wales. Was he wearing Native American culture as a costume, teamed with a Walker’s Crisps logo, and was his surname racist? Yes on both counts. Cancelled, 2000 League Cup medal confiscated.
‘Does the carbon footprint of penalty shootouts make them unsustainable?’
Penalty shootouts extend a match by up to ten minutes, meaning floodlights and televisions are on for longer and the planet ten minutes closer to extinction. They’re also stressful and for millennials, that’s trauma. They should be replaced by trawling through both teams’ social media to see who has given the most support to the marginalised.
‘Should the 1966 World Cup final be restaged?’
England vs West Germany was a hideously white final. To ensure racial equity, Football Focus restaged it between two teams not built on colonial wealth and Nazism. The resulting game between North Korea and Chile ended with the former worthy winners and Pak Zeung-zin the hero to British schoolboys he always deserved to be.
‘Can we create queer justice by forcibly outing players?’
One-quarter of people are queer, according to academic metrics, but none of the Premier League are. Is it not time to start forcing them? A quota system in which one in four players is forced to live an LGBTQ+ lifestyle instead of joylessly ‘shagging models’ or ‘having four children with their childhood sweetheart’ would make football, and Britain, a better place.
‘Rewilding pitches: is there a downside?’
Trimmed grass is a green desert for wildlife. Let it grow to waist height and it provides vital nectar for pollinators and lets fans see Pep Guardiola’s remarkable patterns of play etched out on the pitch. What could be more beautiful than, midway through a counterattack, Erling Haaland halting to observe a purple emperor butterfly deriving salt from carrion?
‘Why are we covering football anyway?’
Just last week Football Focus turned the cameras on itself and asked why football matters, when inequitable capitalism is laying waste to the world? Before switching to coverage of a contemporary dance performance offering a searing critique of whiteness which reduced viewers to tears. They cancelled Football Focus because it was dangerous.
Soothing chat and boring pop: How I plan to keep Radio 2 in its middle-aged coma. By Sara Cox
CRITICS say Radio 2 is stuck in a rut, and that’s where we intend to stay. When I take over the breakfast slot, here’s how I’ll be keeping it bland the ‘Foxy Coxy’ way.
More boring songs
Some songs are intrinsically boring, like Shape of You, while others become boring from overfamiliarity, like Rock DJ. I’ll be playing both. Ideally I’d just play one boring song for the entire show, but apparently three solid hours of Holding Back The Years can turn you into a vegetable.
Untaxing chat
On the Teatime Show I’ve asked listeners to tell me about times they’ve regretted not closing a container properly or childhood toys they had. So expect more stimulating chats like that. Listen out for:
● Things you keep in a drawer;
● Lessons you did at school;
● Objects that are roughly circular.
More boring guests
On the Breakfast Show we have guests you don’t strongly object to, but have no interest in listening to either. Looks like James Martin, Jason Manford and Stacey Dooley will be getting calls from their agents!
No references to Scott
A few snarky comments about Scott Mills would liven up the Breakfast Show’s tediously upbeat playlist of Take That, Fairground Attraction and Supergrass, but I’m not allowed to do that. However if you’ve ever sat on some grass, text in and tell me. That should fill ten minutes.
Songs geared to middle-aged activities
All Radio 2 songs are chosen with middle-aged people in mind. I Don’t Want a Lover by Texas is unlikely to raise your blood pressure further during your commute, and you won’t suddenly get Trent Reznor effing and blinding during the school run. It’s a shame there aren’t any songs about mortgages and putting the wheelie bins out, but rock stars don’t seem interested in that. Can’t think why.
More ‘gold’ classics
I don’t mean actual rock and pop classics by The Byrds or The Jam, I mean a parochial selection of MOR tedium that’s less recent than Ed Sheeran: Spandau Ballet, Fleetwood Mac, Bryan Adams. Who wants to listen to Big Love again? You don’t care one way or the other? That’s what we like to hear!
A deep sense of age-related despair
As you’re bombarded with jingles and me prattling on, you may experience a vague feeling of having wasted your life on mindless crap and now it’s all too late. But then you’ll be distracted like one of Pavlov’s dogs by the familiar sound of West End Girls. So everything’s fine. And if you’ve ever been to a pet shop, text in and tell me!
Coffee brand debating whether to promote ethics or Satanism
A COFFEE chain is assessing whether customers would prefer to support ethical causes or the pure evil of the dark lord Satan.
The company Napoli Deliziosa is unsure whether sales would be boosted by customers being able to show off social justice logos on their coffee cups, or if they would prefer disturbing occult symbols suggesting an interest in Devil worship and possibly human sacrifice.
CEO Jack Browne said: “Helping reformed prisoners or destitute farmers in Kenya is a good thing to do. But on the other hand, pledging your allegiance to Lucifer is quite ‘edgy’ and marketable.
“We really want to get influencers on board to help us sell cheap dad caps and other junk, so we need cool logos everywhere, not just the boring Fairtrade one. And people go mad for pentagrams.
“Virality is key to brand marketing, and green stuff like sustainability is good for that. But would it increase revenues more to have shocking pull-quotes from Anton LaVey on the walls? ‘Release your hatred towards those who deserve it’ is a favourite of mine.
“Obviously good coffee is our aim, but modern customers don’t care about that and just want to feel part of some trendy philosophy. Also it will be piss-easy to make our blueberry muffins totally black with food dye.
“I’m feeling a goat-headed demon burning busty virgins is definitely more striking than an abundant tree. Let’s go for that.”
The Poke
Getting the bike out for the summer? Check out the hilarious ‘guy who decides cycling’ first
There’s nothing so mundane that the brilliant Jimmy Rees can’t tease out the absurdity of it to amazing comedic effect. In this edition of The Guy Who Decides, he becomes the spokesperson for cycling – and his own long-suffering assistant. “What happens on busy roads?” “Drivers of cars will lose their minds because they get […]
The Poke.
People shared the British things that are totally normal to us but utterly baffling to visitors – 23 proper eye-openers
There’s no doubt that Britain is a unique place. From morris dancing to hun culture to places with names like Bishop’s Itchington, we have a wealth of weirdnesses to be proud of. However, to an outsider it can be understandably confusing, even the things that to us natives seem incredibly banal. Over on the AskUK […]
The Poke.
This woman was relentlessly bothered by a creepy old classmate to the point where she had no choice but to go nuclear and it was just fabulous
We’ve featured no end of idiot men on these pages being given exactly the treatment they deserve, and this one is from the very top drawer. Except in this case, ‘idiot men’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s someone called Tamira who went viral back in the day after they shared a long exchange […]
The Poke.
People shared the best ‘Jay from Inbetweeners level brags’ they’ve ever heard – 21 times people beggared belief in hilarious style
We all like to exaggerate a little from time to time, talking up our achievements to make ourselves seem more impressive. However, some people take it so far into the realms of fantasy that it becomes embarrassing for everyone. Over on the AskUK subreddit, user Woody-Pieface asked ‘What is the best ‘Jay from Inbetweeners’ level […]
The Poke.
A Maga was just brutally owned over the state of the UK right now and if this happened to us we wouldn’t leave the house for a week
Turns out Americans know Britain even less than we thought hey did. We don’t mean all Americans, obviously, just the Maga bit. And when we say the Maga bit, what we really mean is Chloe Trapanotto, a journalist for American conservative news website and much else besides Th Daily Wire. They were quizzed by journalist […]
The Poke.
