The Onion
Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself
SAN JOSE, CA—With his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. “So you’re telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own?” said the toddler’s mom, Sandra, furrowing her brow while retrieving a red plastic triceratops from behind the smashed LCD. “And this toy dinosaur—your favorite toy dinosaur, which we’ve repeatedly warned you not to throw inside the house—was already under a pile of broken glass when you got here? Hmm. That’s interesting. Very interesting. It’s just that your father and I have never heard of a TV destroying itself like that before. Have you? It doesn’t seem like something that happens very often.” At press time, a terrified Timmy was struggling to articulate how the carpet had doused itself in pee.
The Onion.
Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations
ST. LOUIS—Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. “We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and socialize with tavern wenches,” said lead researcher Michael Kempe, noting that the study’s conclusions also align with a recent downswing in attendance at jousting matches. “Over the years there has been, for some reason, a noticeable reduction in quaffing a goat’s horn overflowing with mead after vanquishing a beast. Perhaps with marijuana use and vaping on the rise, it’s natural to see the market for crude, sickly sweet fermented beverages shrink. In addition, Gen Z seems to be more frugal when it comes to indulgences like tossing a coin to a lyre player to regale one’s fellow bannermen with a jaunty ballad.” Kempe added that due to the increased dominance of the internet, there was also a steady downtick in youths passing down long poems through oral tradition.
The Onion.
Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arby’s Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers
WASHINGTON—Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby’s menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nation’s meat lovers. “French Dip Royale, Classic Beef ’N Cheddar, Double Beef ’N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef ’N Cheddar—that’s from the Arby’s slow roasted beef menu, items one through four,” the commander-in-chief said while a retinue of Arby’s executives stood behind him with their eyes closed and their hands clasped in prayer. “This is my favorite: Arby’s value menu, item two—ham slider. I love ham sliders. Don’t we love ham sliders, America? I read this passage every night before I go to sleep. It’s calming.” At press time, Trump’s approval rating had skyrocketed by 30 points.
The Onion.
What To Know About Tariff Refunds
Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trump’s tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Here’s what you need to know about tariff refunds.
Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trump’s tariffs?
A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan.
Q: How does a business qualify for a refund?
A: They find a hair in their imported steel.
Q: Will consumers see any money from this?
A: Serious questions only, please.
Q: As a small business owner, how do I apply?
A: The Trump administration has created a dedicated new website specifically for losing your application.
Q: Will this lower retail prices?
A: Kroger executives have—shall we say—become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Q: How long will the refund process take?
A: Until everyone forgets about it.
The Onion.
Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party
LGBTQ dating app Grindr will host its first-ever White House Correspondents dinner party on Friday night before the event. What do you think?
“Finally, a chance to hobnob with the poppers lobbyists.”
Curtis Lucero, Drink Freshener
“Gay people eat dinner?”
Tamara Hunt, Carousel Operator
“Thanks, but I’m looking for a more discreet gala”
Mason Solis, Systems Analyst
The Onion.
ClickHole
A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’
Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners.
Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy.
Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with.
When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].”
“Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.”
President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists.
Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves!
It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.
This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall
Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.
What do you notice?
Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?
Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.
This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.
It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.
Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.
Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.
You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.
Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.
Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’
If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.”
Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times.
Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society.
“I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.”
For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.
We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis
While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what.
Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.
The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker
One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker.
It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris.
When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table.
But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.
“I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.”
As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker.
Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.
Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address
If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning.
After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain.
PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.
This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you?
Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.
Duffel Blog
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
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The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
The Poke
This minute-long clip of RFK Jr. breathing closely into his senate hearing mic inspired some of Twitter’s funniest work in years
If you’ve been waiting for RFK Jr. ASMR, have we got a treat for you. The man who’s voice sounds like a gargling garbage disposal was caught on a hot mic during his senate hearing. It appears just breathing for the head of HHS was enough to cut through the question being asked in this […]
The Poke.
Karoline Leavitt blamed Joe Biden for a discount airline facing bankruptcy and these 15 comebacks were simply business class
When it comes to blaming other people for their problems, nobody does it better than the current White House. The most recent scapegoating moment came from Karoline Leavitt. The US Press Secretary was asked about bailing out fledgling Spirit Airlines which currently faces the very real threat of bankruptcy and is turning to the Trump […]
The Poke.
RFK Jr reckons AI can cure dog cancer and the illogical conclusion he drew from this had people worried sick
The health of the American people is in the hands of a deranged conspiracy theorist. It’s dangerous for so many reasons it’s hard to keep track which one is the most detrimental to the public’s survival. In a normal world, when the head of Health and Human Services shows up for a hearing to defend […]
The Poke.
Karoline Leavitt put on her bravest face after she was asked about Iran’s relentless mockery of Donald Trump and absolutely no-one was buying it
The United States Press Secretary is supposed to be a conduit between the President and the American people. The role requires a deft communicator who can share the most important policies of the Oval Office. Prove that the Commander in Chief has the best interests of the American people in mind with every crucial decision. […]
The Poke.
This 20-point guide why English is so hard to learn just went viral for reasons which will presumably become obvious
How hard it is to learn English? This hard, if this 20-point guide that just went viral on Twitter is any fink to go by. It was posted by @simongerman600, who was born in Germany but now lives in Melbourne, Australia and, well, best have a read for yourself. As a non-native English speaker I […]
The Poke.
