Fractures Emerge Between GOP’s Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings

The Onion.

Apple Backs Up Tim Cook’s Memories To Port Over Into Next CEO

The Onion.

Rancor Baby

The Onion.

‘Michael’ Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It Actually Had

WASHINGTON—Denouncing what they called a “sickening” misrepresentation of the facts, critics of a new Michael Jackson biopic argued Monday that the movie brazenly depicted Neverland Ranch with way cooler rides than it actually had. “Michael is a shameless whitewashing of ride options that frankly were no better than what you’d encounter at a ramshackle roadside carnival,” said advocate Jillian Moore, adding that not one of the pop icon’s alleged victims recalled being fondled anywhere near the high-velocity triple-loop roller coaster or 400-foot drop tower portrayed in the film. “It should come as no surprise that a film made with the blessing of Michael Jackson’s estate would feature not a single interview with someone who could attest to the haunted house being over in, like, two minutes. Someday, the truth, including the actual number of bumper cars, will be revealed for all the world to see. Until then, we advise anyone watching this cynical cash grab not to forget the innocent children wildly disappointed by a pirate ship ride nowhere near as good as the one at Six Flags.” Reached for comment, the film’s producers acknowledged that Michael Jackson might have violated children but vehemently defended Neverland rides as offering incomparable thrills and spills. The Onion.

Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough

CARMI, IL—Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. “I don’t want to be a sauce, I don’t want to be an oil, I don’t want to be tofu or tempeh or nattō—I just want to be me,” declared the soybean, emphasizing that despite the rapidly growing demand for it to become protein powder or alternative milk, it had no interest in being anything other than a humble soybean. “Is that really too much to ask? Black beans get to be black beans, kidney beans get to be kidney beans. But I have to endure the suffocating burden of everyone trying to turn me into something I’m not. I have plenty of protein and fiber to offer on my own, you know. If God had wanted me to be a bar, He would have made me a bar. I just wish I had the confidence to live my truth.” At press time, sources confirmed the soybean had been brutally mashed into paste with absolutely no say in the matter. The Onion.

Newsom Orders Reservoirs Emptied In Preparation For Fire Season

LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom took decisive action on Tuesday as he ordered California reservoirs drained in preparation ahead of this year's fire season.

Party That Promised To Save America Announces It's Not Really Interested In Saving America Anymore

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following months of urging from President Trump and the American people to pass the SAVE Act and secure the integrity of U.S. elections, the party that promised to save America announced that it wasn't really interested in saving America anymore.

Weird, But OK: Woman Carries Child For 9 Months Just To Name Him 'Walter'

KINGMAN, AZ — According to witness accounts, a local woman carried her unborn child to a full 9 months, enduring considerable hardship in the process, only to name him "Walter."

Alex Jones Worried People Will Start To Think Stories Reported By Infowars Are Fake

AUSTIN, TX — Following an announcement that Infowars would soon be converted into a satirical news outlet, American media personality Alex Jones, known for his fringe conspiracy theories related to the Sandy Hook school shooting and homosexual frogs, expressed concern that people would start to think the stories reported by Infowars are fake.

Cyclists Shocked, Dismayed To Learn Vehicles Also Allowed To Use Roads

U.S. — Few things can perturb bicyclists, the carefree pedalers who move only slightly faster than a human can run, except for one thing: something getting in the way of their bicycling. That's why they've expressed shock and dismay to find something else using their roads: cars.

A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’

Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners. Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy. Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with. When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].” “Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.” President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists. Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves! It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.

This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall

Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.  What do you notice?  Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?  Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.  This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.  It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.  Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.  Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.  You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.  Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.

Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’

If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.” Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times. Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society. “I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.” For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.  We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what. Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.

The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker

One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker. It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris. When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table. But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.  “I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.” As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker. Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.

Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address

If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning. After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain. PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.  This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you? Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.

Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing

WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”

'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25

KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week. Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.

Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran

THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.” Support military children. One of them is making decisions. The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."

Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement

ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”

Madonna or Sabrina Carpenter: Which is the age-appropriate choice for you?

DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide:  Aged 18-20 You’re a little young for 26-year-old Sabrina, but there isn’t the yawning 49-year gap between yourself and Madonna, which even boomers feel is a little wide. So it’s Carpenter for you, perhaps with use of a fake ID. Aged 20-30  Ideal for Sabrina, being approximately the same age and finding the same memes iconic. She likes an actor, so join your local am-dram group and work your way up. However it never rains but it pours, because Madonna also enjoys a 20something like current partner Akeem Morris and the three before him. It would be wise to invest in lube. Aged 30-40 Age-wise, a relationship with Sabrina would not raise any eyebrows. Apart from with her rabid online fans who would deem this ‘coercive control’ and stop at nothing to ruin your life. For 67-year-old Madge? A little old, if she’s honest. As long as you don’t bleat on about ‘settling down’ she’ll keep you around as a side piece. Aged 40-50 At this point you’re in ‘I didn’t know you had a daughter!’ territory with Sabrina which, given Britain’s ongoing hysteria over paedophiles, isn’t great. To add insult to injury, you’re a wizened geriatric to Ms Ciccone. Yes, she should be at the garden centre not Berghain, but she’s chosen a different life. Aged 50-60 It’s not happening with Sabrina. A terrible shame, because men in their 50s are some of her most devoted fans apart from the music. And Madonna? She’s insulted you’d even consider yourself worthy. As if you’d have the stamina for an eight-hour tantric bondage session. You’re not even a male model. Aged 60-70 Even looking at Sabrina makes you tired. If she turned up at the door, all sexy? You’d think she was after your Werther’s Originals. Madonna? Ah, you remember her fondly from your wanking youth. Draw her into nostalgia about how outrageous she was and she might possibly break you out a handjob. Aged 70+ Sex with Sabrina would kill you, and she wouldn’t feel great about it either. A twilight years care home romance with Madonna? Explain this is actually the most transgressive, shocking thing she could do and she’d be well up for it, provided you’re willing to squeeze into her Blonde Ambition corset. Playing the long game paid off.

New Apple boss vows it will remain top brand for wankers

BBC confirms next Question Time to come from Angryborough in South Bigotshire

THURSDAY’S edition of political panel show Question Time will be broadcast from Angryborough in the county of South Bigotshire. The BBC believes the location will ensure the bear pit of shouty, reactionary immigration obsessives that viewers find crucial for maintaining a respectful dialogue. Producer Eleanor Shaw said: “Angryborough is perfect for Question Time. The inhabitants once hanged an Alsatian for being German. That was during the summer. “As usual we’ve loaded the panel with vocal idiots hostile to democracy including Isabel Oakeshott, Julia Hartley-Brewer and a manosphere bro we found in the darkest corner of the internet, so the atmosphere should quickly turn toxic with a real danger of a gammon riot. “This week’s sacrificial liberal is a previously unknown Labour MP who will dare suggest her party has the right to rule because they won a general election two years ago, so we’ve got the police ready in case the audience tries to drag her away to an isolated barn.” Angryborough resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’m really interested to hear what the panel’s got to say and drown them out by screaming ‘Get them out NOW!’ while turning purple. “My wife’s going to ask an ill-informed question about Islam and crime that would be extremely racist if it wasn’t so poorly worded no one can understand it.”

Kash Patel’s guide for ugly men dating someone genuinely hot

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on:  Try not to be constantly amazed by your good fortune Tough for me, as I resemble a surprised Fraggle, but lessen the power imbalance in your relationship by playing it cool. It’s just practice. These days when I wake up next to Alexis I hardly ever shout, ‘WOOO-HOO! I scored a TEN!’ Try to impress them Chances are you don’t have access to an FBI jet, having not put in the necessary groundwork of being a crazed right-wing podcaster, but there are always fashionable restaurants, luxury holidays, $30,000 necklaces. It’s stressful knowing you could be dumped tomorrow, but luckily my girlfriend is dumb so hopefully won’t realise. Maintain a light-poor environment Everyone looks better under dimmed lighting, but obviously I have to go further. I’ve removed all the bulbs for security reasons and allow us only a single candle. It’s kept my relationship healthy but my shins are f**ked. Keep her away from attractive men Getting armed FBI agents to ‘protect’ Alexis whenever she’s out with friends is a good way to ward off rival penises. But it’s just as easy to schedule nights in doing activities suitable for two people. How can she be tempted by other men when she’s learning the rules and lore of Warhammer? She can’t. Screen attractiveness gap movies Films are the uggo’s friend, with countless stories about seeing beyond mere appearances: Beauty and the Beast, Shrek, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Roxanne. She is beginning to wonder why we’ve seen The Shape of Water 15 times but I want to keep the psychological pressure on. Shame she can’t go blind, like in Mask. Be rich and famous Sadly wealth and fame, even my unearned kind, are the key way for runts like me to hang onto a beauty. Will Alexis still love me when Donald throws me under the bus for not miraculously making the Epstein Files disappear? No. No, she won’t. Still, at least I can retreat into the comfort of alcoholism full-time.

I’m part of the toxic Bargain Hunt fandom, and it’s f**king great

By Joanna Kramer, online warrior for the very soul of Bargain Hunt OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters.  It’s hard to remember who I was before I became one of them. How I passed evenings when I wasn’t locked in furious argument online, going through that day’s show frame-by-frame looking for evidence of the showrunners’ vicious colonialism. Today my whole life is built around it. Delivering smackdowns to the Dickensonians here, moderating comments by the Wonnacottites there, releasing my rage at the low price a chipped Lladro achieved onto subreddits. It’s so fulfilling. It’s my passion, which is why it’s perfectly excusable for me to know the producers by name, stalk them on social media and send them abusive messages when Red are cheated of victory by an auctioneer who was so clearly a f**king plant. After all, without me and the other Hunters the show wouldn’t have been running for 26 years. We’re the ones watching it every day. We’re the ones making GIFs of key moments and fan edits of every Golden Gavel. We’re the lifeblood of the show. Yes, I have occasionally said ‘if they’re going to make such a f**king mockery of this they should f**king cancel it and if I see Eric Knowles in person he is f**king dead’, for which I was unfairly banned from Stafford Showground. But like I said, passion. By ignoring us or putting us on watchlists, the BBC has shown its contempt for ordinary obsessed fans. Really it should be inviting us to act as consultants, apart from that dickhead ClockCollecta who knows nothing about the show and would ruin it. So next time you hear of a toxic fandom, consider perhaps they’re the ones who are really right and the casuals are all wrong. Now I’ve got Mark Stacey-Raj Bisram fan fiction to finish. This chapter features a 1772 clockwork ivory strap-on.

Pete Hegseth has removed the mandatory flu vaccine for US forces – Make America Viral Again! – 24 sick burns

What the world needs now is not ‘love, sweet love’ – as it says in the song – but, according to US ‘Department of War’ logic, a mobile virus-spreading machine. On Tuesday, self-styled Secretary of War (not a legal designation, by the way) announced an end to the mandatory flu vaccination that has been the […] The Poke.

Liz Truss has labelled Donald Trump a ‘very good president’, in case you were wondering what’s the worst recommendation in the world

We cross now to the 49-day prime minister, conspiracy theorist, and gleeful cheerleader for all things Maga, Liz Truss, who – presumably because they know stupid = clicks – is still getting her bum on the political commentary seats on a regular basis. On Tuesday, she spoke to LBC’s Tom Swarbrick, who did a good […] The Poke.

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week

Happy Hump Day to all who celebrate the Wednesday crossing of the working week’s halfway point, and welcome – or welcome back – to our weekly round-up of the funny stuff that caught our eye on Bluesky. There’s something for most comedic tastes here, so we reckon you’ll find something to tickle your fancy. 1. […] The Poke.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had the perfect one-two response to all the time Donald Trump spends golfing and the Maga fury it prompted only made it better

Nobody knows how to sum up the inadequacy of the Trump Administration quite like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She’s perfected the take that both calls out the insanity of the current political landscape while simultaneously infuriating Magas everywhere. AOC was recently asked about President Donald Trump and all of that time he spends golfing. While most politicians […] The Poke.

Karoline Leavitt said she doesn’t understand why the media doesn’t take Trump at his word and these 17 withering clap backs brought the receipts

Let’s check in again with Karoline Leavitt, shall we? (Sorry, last time today. Promise.) The US Press Secretary is usually damaging her credibility from behind the official White House podium at press conferences. Now she’s taking her show on the road and somehow doing even more damage to her reputation. During Leavitt’s appearance on Fox […] The Poke.