Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful surprise,” said Emile Bernier, a mischievous smile spreading over his face as he lifted a silver cloche to display an empty foam tray with a large USDA sticker clearly visible on the torn cling wrap. “That almost buttery filet mignon you’ve all been savoring was sourced by our very own U.S. Department of Agriculture. Oh, what’s the matter? You’’re suddenly all so pale. Come now, there’s no shame in expanding your palate a little, is there?” At press time, nauseated guests had begun fleeing the dining room before Bernier even had the chance to reveal that their salad greens had been thoroughly inspected by the FDA. The Onion.

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? “He must have an incredible sense of smell.” Ritche Acevedo, Menu Approver “Now imagine how unstoppable he’d be if he were also deaf and stoned.” Blake Peck, Sock Packager “Anything’s possible with a little liquid courage.” Lula Kerr, Systems Analyst The Onion.

Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script 

LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr. Toffee now,” said a low, menacing voice that came from behind a blaring spotlight as a frightened Momoa stammered that he did not have enough time to star in another video game adaptation with the press cycle for Street Fighter coming up. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. All you have to do is put on this hat and monocle, and read the part where you say ‘I sell the best sweets in all of Candy Town.’ Remember, we know where your children are. You wouldn’t want us to have to repeat what we did for A Minecraft Movie, would you?” At press time, Momoa had escaped the warehouse only to be immediately abducted by producers for a Subway Surfers adaptation. The Onion.

NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump. Explore the list in detail Christian McCaffrey 49ers running back “Try to get a little hurt every day all the time.” Justin Herbert Chargers quarterback “Just because someone in the stands is wearing a jersey with your last name on it doesn’t mean you’re related to them. In fact, it usually means the opposite.” George Kittle 49ers tight end “The yellow first-down line is only visible on TV. Same with the grass. Games are shot on a soundstage, and they add all that stuff in post.” C.J. Gardner-Johnson Bills safety “Trash talk is an art. You have to get inside the receiver’s head. Find out where he went to elementary school. Find out the name of his childhood dentist. Find out why his parents stopped taking him there. Then, on third-and-eight, simply whisper, ‘Dr. Valenti.’” Mÿles “Garrett” Gärrättinen Rams defensive end “Heads-up, you can’t be openly Finnish in the NFL—the culture’s just not there yet.” Micah Parsons Packers defensive lineman “Getting a sack feels wonderful because you have spent the entire play chasing a man and finally you catch him and get to lie on top of him for a little while. I recommend sacking as much as you can!” Joe Burrow Bengals quarterback “Don’t eat any glowing stuff that says ‘DO NOT EAT.’” Josh Allen Bills quarterback “When you first set foot on that field, take it in and enjoy the moment. Breathe in the air, take in the sounds. Climb into the stands, wear a fan’s hat. Go to the concession stand and buy a Coke, the biggest size they have. Drink all of it. Go to the bathroom.” T.J. Watt Steelers linebacker “Aaron Rodgers will offer you unpasteurized milk from his house. Don’t drink it. He doesn’t have cows—we think he’s making it himself.” The Onion.

Katherine Lee

The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The Onion.

10 Ways To Entertain Your Toddler

Raising a toddler can be a challenge, but entertaining your toddler can be even more difficult. It's not uncommon for parents to run out of ideas for ways to keep kids busy. The Babylon Bee is here to help.

Mitch McConnell Returns To Senate As Force Ghost

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the mainstays of America's legislative branch was once again seen roaming the corridors of the U.S. Capitol building, as Mitch McConnell returned to the Senate as a Force ghost.

Savannah Bananas Manager Chews Out Player For Not Goofing Around

SAVANNAH, GA — Fans at Sunday's Savannah Bananas game at historic Grayson Stadium were shocked to see an element of seriousness infiltrate their beloved sport, as Manager Tyler Gilum publicly chewed out one of his players for not goofing around.

Sydney Sweeney Tries To Gain Support Of Liberal Women By Murdering Multiple Children

LOS ANGELES, CA — Scandal struck Hollywood this week, as actress and businesswoman Sydney Sweeney attempted to gain support among liberal women by murdering multiple children.

Study: Majority Of Christians Will Replace Holy Spirit With ChatGPT By 2028

U.S. — According to a new study conducted by the Barna Group, a majority of Christians were likely to replace the Holy Spirit with ChatGPT by the year 2028.

Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit

Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit. Just heartbreaking. Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall. You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you! Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them. Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!

Sex Positivity FTW! AMC Theaters Employees Will Now Spit In Your Popcorn If That’s Your Thing

For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing. How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you! In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat. “Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.” There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world! Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!

Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period

Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period. Now that’s how you treat women right! Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding. So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!  But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast! So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!

Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad

Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad. What a bummer.  While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read. With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).” Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.

Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car

You’ve heard this before. A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.  “He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”  “There weren’t any signs.”  “We never suspected a thing.” And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.  Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.  Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.  Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal. This is just scary.  How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.

Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?

25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally

WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.

Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone

For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos

WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.

Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Sussexes’ children leave school after Meghan gate catfight

Freshers drinking to forget they’re already 20 grand in debt

STUDENTS newly arriving at university have hit the bars to drink away their fears about already owing tens of thousands of pounds. 18-year-olds are flooding the bars and clubs of university towns to numb the pain of forking out 20 thousand pounds for a degree which is disregarded by employers and means they will never buy a house. Fresher Jack Browne said: “To outsiders it seems we’re overindulging on our first taste of adult freedom, but behind the Jägerbombs and dirty pints is a howling existential angst. “I’ve only done an afternoon of induction bollocks but I’m already Student Loans’ bitch for decades. If you were paying seven per cent interest on top of your tuition fees, plus a maintenance loan, you’d be getting hammered every night too. “I wish we were getting shitfaced for the fun of it like those flush idiots doing apprenticeships. Instead we’re knocking back pitchers as an act of therapy. If you see me passed out don’t be concerned, I’ve made a breakthrough. “Though all the wild hookups are purely for fun. The lazy, workshy student stereotypes are onto something when it comes to that.” Student Emma Bradford said: “The worst part of the hangover is when you remember you’re doing an arts degree.”

How I’ll function as the ultimate AI guardrail, by President Trump

AI. Everyone wants it but America has it, and they also have the best safety system in existence to make sure it can never harm anyone: me. This is how I do it:  Monitor AI on Truth Social I stay up late every night, regardless of who my aides tell me I’m meeting the next day, watching AI for the latest clever video it’s made about Trump. Sometimes I’m laying waste to Iran, sometimes I’m flying a fighter in the Space Force, sometimes diving into a vault of national wealth. The truer they are, the more safe and intelligent it is. Ensure its direction But it could be used for evil. To show Crooked Hillary freed from jail to cheering crowds, or Sleepy Joe Biden coming out of his coma and winning votes, or immigrants to this country working hard and not eating skewered hamsters as snacks. To clothe those lies in flesh would be evil and if I saw AI doing it I would demand it be stopped. China China has AI so we have to beat China. It’s that simple. We don’t know what safety procedures they’re following but probably none at all which is why we can’t have any getting in the way of American AI innovation. Because you can’t spell America without AI but you can spell China without it. In their language. Identifying hoaxes There is nobody better than your favourite president at spotting hoaxes. I spotted the 2020 election hoax before anybody did, before they’d even counted the votes, and the climate change hoax, and the Epstein birthday book signature hoax. I spot them literally daily. So when I say these warnings are a hoax that’s coming from the world’s foremost expert. Visiting a data center There are people – Dumocrats, liberals, the deranged enemies of truth – with concerns about data centers being built near their homes. These people are wrong and we will deport them, but first I will walk around a data center and look for anything wrong. With these eyes that have made millions I will look, approve and that’s the final word.

Man who was outcast as teenager feels he’d fit right in as Gen Z

A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool. Tom Booker has realised he was not a teenage loser but well ahead of the curve, and believes the person he was 26 years ago would be the most popular kid at school today. He said: “Sad wanker, they called me, just for having more than 2,000 porn mags. Well Gen Z boasts about how much they goon. Who’s the sad wanker now? “And joining the Young Conservatives was death for my social life. With today’s edgy online teens, the only concern was that they’re not Nazi enough for lols. “Being a politically incorrect loner who stays in, doesn’t booze, doesn’t shag and gets socially anxious is ‘based’ now. Pokémon, high-waisted trousers, socks and plastic sandals, and calling everyone a paedo are rewarded behaviours. “My wispy moustache was mocked. My glasses got me called Deirdre Rashid. I was boring for not going to the pub. Staying in watching The Office was called being a friendless twat then, and now it’s normal. I feel validated, but I’d much rather have been popular.” Booker added: “I posted some photos of myself at 20 online and had DMs from hot girls asking which charity shop sold me that cool vintage cardigan. I cried.”

Our self-obsessed gripes about townies, by country folk

THE Countryside Alliance has called for the government to stop ‘waging war on the countryside’. Here they explain this secret war they never stop whining about:  You don’t support fox hunting We can’t just shoot foxes or use humane cage traps. Doesn’t send the right message. No, these supernatural beasts can only be vanquished by a thrilling chase. Hunting is a wonderful sport, though so unequal it’s the equivalent of a boxing match between Tyson Fury and Helen Keller. You think you’re allowed in the countryside You townies insist on ‘walking’ across our fields with your Labradors, forcing farmers to disfigure nature with ugly footpaths and spoiling the view of our barbed wire. We wouldn’t put a milking machine in your living room, would we? No, because that’s a stupid analogy. We do not enjoy the family farm tax We have to pay inheritance tax like other people now, which we talk about as if it’s set at 90 per cent. It’s actually 20 per cent on assets over £2.5 million, over ten years, to stop it being used as a tax loophole. When will this relentless campaign of blind hatred stop? You’re naive about how food is produced You pampered urban ponces have no idea milk comes from cows, do you? You think it spontaneously pops into existence in Tesco Metro. And you think potatoes have got arms and legs and live in little huts. Christ, you’re such idiots. Labour government is wrong The fresh country air gives us political clarity, and therefore we know that no Labour government can be considered legitimate. We own land therefore decide what is permitted, and Labour governments must stop. This is nothing to do with a lot of us being reactionary Tory or Brexit types It’s because we love hedgerows. We have a right to be farmers Industries change and disappear, like mining, but farmers are different and we have a transcendent right to farm for a living down the generations however unprofitable it is. Subsidies are a moral imperative. And foxes again, because we’re f**king obsessed You soppy townies believe propaganda like Fantastic Mr Fox, and can’t understand the simple concept that foxes are wild animals who mass-murder chickens. You all want to hug and kiss them, despite being very familiar with urban foxes who are manky, feral bastards who scream like lunatics at 3am.

Brits are sharing the increasingly common Americanisms that they are really not happy about – 17 words and phrases that should be tariffed with immediate effect

Language is what connects us as humans across the globe. Unless it’s Brits and Americans. In which case, it seems to have driven a wedge between two cultures that are entirely unwilling to meet half way. We say this after Twitter user @gabrielledisco posted about the Americanism that is becoming commonplace and they are really, […] The Poke.

If we hadn’t seen this mind-blowing bowling trick shot, we’d have thought it was impossible

We wouldn’t have believed someone could pull off this shot if we hadn’t seen it for ourselves, courtesy of ESPN. @espn WAIT FOR IT 😳 (via @Bonzatron) #bowl #bowling #trickshot #timing ♬ original sound – ESPN Well done to @Bonzatron for that 2022 stunner. We’d like to know how many recordings show disaster. It certainly […] The Poke.

People shared their most embarrassing moments at a GP surgery and these 22 tales will have you cringing all the way to A&E

Going to the doctor provokes a myriad of emotions, one of which, depending on your ailment, can be an enormous amount of awkwardness. However, experiencing an extreme level of cringe in a medical setting is such a common experience that we can all comfort one another with similar war stories. Which is what they’ve been […] The Poke.

JD Vance warned the American people not to normalise fraud and that noise you just heard is the world’s hypocrisy meter exploding

The Vice President is often given the unthankful task of taking on an impossible problem to keep busy while their boss handles the bigger issues. In the curious case of Donald Trump and JD Vance, Trump has given his #2 an assignment that hits a little too close to home: fraud. In his forever efforts […] The Poke.

This 1979 clip of school kids being asked ‘What would you buy if you were rich?’ is as hilarious as it is wholesome

Back in 1979, the hugely popular BBC magazine show That’s Life! sent their roving reporter on a mission to interview a load of school kids about what they would do if they suddenly hit the jackpot. Their answers are a brilliantly funny and delightfully bizarre time capsule of unfiltered 70s TV magic. It’s been going […] The Poke.