The Onion
Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway
DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. “Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she could get any size sandwich she wanted; he’s clearly trying to go big for their second anniversary,” said a source close to the couple, noting that Del Rey went with a foot-long Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki and a bag of jalapeño-flavored Miss Vickie’s chips, while her husband opted for a foot-long Meatball Pepperoni with extra pepperoni and two bags of nacho-cheese-flavored Doritos. “After two years of marriage, it’s important to keep the romance alive, so it was really sweet to see them all dressed up for dinner. The drinks were a nice touch. Since they were already in a gas station, he walked her over to the refrigerated section and let her pick out her favorite Monster. Then, to top it all off, he snagged her a neon “God Bless America” T-shirt and a copy of Ride Along 2 on Blu-ray.” News of the dinner date broke when TMZ released exclusive photos of the couple in the parking lot sharing a kiss as they ate the same piece of Jack Link’s jerky.
The Onion.
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel
WASHINGTON—Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email, FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing as FBI director Kash Patel. “First of all, he’s got my face as his profile picture, so that right there gave me a high degree of confidence, because I know what I look like,” said Patel, adding that he was further reassured by the presence of his name in “Kash_Patel@fbi773.cy” and the fact that the sender introduced himself as Patel in his message, which was obviously something only he himself could do. “I wasn’t exactly sure why he urgently wanted $10,000 in Target gift cards, but then again, he runs the FBI, so I assume whatever he’s doing it’s keeping us safe somehow. Besides, I went onto the FBI website, and sure enough, there he was. Once I verified that he was me—I mean, he even signed his email with my name—I sent him my login credentials right away. I just hope I did it in time.” After a major data breach occurred, Patel admitted he might have been hasty but didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to double his penis length in less than 24 hours.
The Onion.
FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records
A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBI’s online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think?
“What kind of demented people want to know more about Kash Patel?”
Joel Craney, Patent Reader
“Pray their windbreaker sizes don’t fall into the wrong hands.”
Alyssa Estes, Deck Sander
“If they can hack the FBI, it’s only a matter of time before they move on to a real government agency.”
Calvin Wu, Unemployed
The Onion.
Baseball Analysts Call For New Stat Called B.L.E.P.H.
NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H. “We don’t care what it measures or how it’s calculated—we just need something called B.L.E.P.H., and we need it now,” FanGraphs contributor Derek Gardner said on behalf of the larger baseball analyst community, adding that it was extremely important that B.L.E.P.H. be “complicated as all hell” and require “fuck-tons of math” to measure, and that it should make “complex shit like Pythagorean winning percentage look as simple as counting balls and strikes.” “Seriously, we’re fiending over here. Man cannot live on VORP and BABIP allowed alone. We are desperate for B.L.E.P.H., and someone must give it to us immediately. Maybe it weighs a player’s chase rate against their religion—don’t think there’s a stat for that yet. Whatever the hell it is, it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s an acronym. Maybe it could be something like ‘Baseball Lineup Expected Probability of Hurt’ that tells you how likely it is that someone in the lineup gets hurt? I don’t know. Frankly, that’s for the eggheads to figure out. Our job is to demand B.L.E.P.H.” Gardner went on to confirm that baseball analysts would also accept B.L.E.P.H.−, B.L.E.P.H.+, xB.L.E.P.H., or B.L.E.P.H. above replacement, so long as all four were immediately available in easily sortable rankings on all of the websites they already frequent.
The Onion.
California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test
SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state’s standard road test. “Test-takers will be expected to safely merge onto the highway and then successfully weave their getaway vehicle through traffic while being tailed at high speeds by the police,” said California DMV spokesperson William Deiboldt, adding that all driver’s license candidates would need to provide their own stolen car and handgun and demonstrate their ability to load, aim, and shoot accurately enough to get cruisers to back off. “The chase section will require a minimum speed of 120 mph and involves careening over a grassy median at least twice. We’ve found drivers really struggle to complete a 180 while drifting beneath an 18-wheeler in order to reverse direction, but it’s important people master such skills before we issue them a license. If the vehicle is taken out by spike strips, the test-taker may exit the driver’s seat and attempt to outrun police on foot.” Deiboldt went on to state that local news helicopters would no longer be permitted to tail car chases due to the fact that it made too many test-takers nervous.
The Onion.
ClickHole
A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children.
And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT!
According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation.
So heartwarming!
But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant.
Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not.
Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”
Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.
It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.
In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor.
Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back.
Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.
God. This is as depressing as it gets.
It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos
It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance.
When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.
There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.
Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even.
An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber.
Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter.
Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.
All moments of immaculate harmony.
Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.
What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?
Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage
I hear a lot of bullshit.
But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…”
“…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.”
You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.”
Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.
Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust.
Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses!
So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.
Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit
Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit.
Just heartbreaking.
Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall.
You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you!
Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them.
Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!
Duffel Blog
Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch
ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.
Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.
First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight
EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation.“I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.”Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America.Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico.“So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.”Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness.“Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.”Larkin said the destination remained confusing.“My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.”Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions.The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status.Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship.“For the service member,” one official clarified.Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help.“I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said.“She cannot.”Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference.“In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.”He paused.“Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.”Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics.“Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.”Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience.“I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.”She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone.“She still thinks we’re coming back together.”At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.
Daily Mash
Who all of Man City’s trophies between 2009-2018 will be awarded to: a guide
EVERY trophy won by Manchester City between 2009 and 2019 is now available for judicious redistribution. Who is going to walk away with what?
Premier League 2011-12, 2013-14, 2017-18
With three trophies available, if awarded to the runners-up two would go to Manchester United and one would go to Liverpool. But nobody likes Manchester United or Liverpool and the world shudders at the thought of José Mourinho receiving a post-dated trophy.
Consequently the first will go to Chelsea, giving them the league and Europe double their money richly deserved, the second goes to Leicester City to make their 2016 win less implausible, and the final one goes to Arsenal as a retirement present for Arsene Wenger following the 2012 precedent of doing the same for Sir Alex Ferguson.
FA Cup 2010-11
No arguments here. Stoke City were the losing finalists in that FA Cup final, have never won a major trophy and have long deserved one. They’ve earned it because without them we’d have no yardstick to test whether fancy foreign footballers could still do it on a wet Tuesday night in an absolute shithole. Thank you, Stoke, for your service.
League Cup 2013-14, 2015-16, 2017-18
Difficult. Based on finalists, the first should go to Sunderland, the second to Liverpool and the third to Arsenal. But any trophy going to Sunderland would immediately bring English football into disrepute and the other two have said they’re fine without it.
The decision has therefore been made to award all three to the fictitious club Melchester Rovers, with goals scored by Rocky Race, Neymar and Louis Tomlinson, and the hope is that US buyers will make huge bids and allow the FA to boost earnings by promoting an invented club overseas, following the example of Wrexham.
Community Shield 2012-13
To be given away to one lucky winner in a competition on cans of Coca-Cola.
Champions League
Didn’t win any. Shame.
The Gen Z guide to paying for therapy to cope with being broke
AGED 22? Sad about it? So obsessed with being disadvantaged by previous generations that you need to pay a stranger to listen to you talk? Here’s how:
Find the best
Never mind that you live at home, you’re traumatised and deserve the best, not mum’s friend Jackie who’s training to be a counsellor. Don’t stint and be sure to delve deeply into finding out exactly why it is that you, aged 23 and masturbating quietly so your parents don’t hear, feel depressed. Who understands your tough choices like: Deliveroo or Vinted?
Get careers coaching
Find a provider who’ll group therapy with career coaching, charging £300 an hour for vital self actualisation exercises and AI generated advice on AI job applications. When you get all that, avoid resentfully thinking you could tell strangers to ‘leverage their transferable skills’ and earn £50 a hour by focusing on your debts instead.
Discuss your feelings of failure
Why does someone who can’t afford a pint feel a failure? Clearly you have unresolved childhood trauma and imposter syndrome. That’s a 15-session problem, paid upfront. It’s an investment in your future, as was that highly valuable degree in Art History and Film Studies.
Don’t compare yourself to others
Yes, an influencer on TikTok has bought a flat in Shoreditch at 21 and claims it’s by cutting out McDonalds. But we all know there’s some weird foot pics shit lurking there and that’s too oversaturated a market for you to get into now. Though it is still necessary you sob to a stranger about it.
Explore your relationship with money
Why do you feel anxious every time your banking app opens? Why does seeing ‘£4.62 available’ cause your heart to race? Why have you started treating £10 like an heirloom? Your therapist will encourage you to unpack your ‘scarcity mindset’. You can’t put a price on mental health, you reassure yourself, while subject to exactly that.
Work on your boundaries
Learn to say no to things you can’t afford, such as holidays, weddings, restaurants, festivals, pubs, taxis, house deposits and having children before the age of 41.You’ll also learn to set healthy boundaries with your parents, including asking them to stop mentioning that £30 you borrowed.
Identify your coping mechanisms
You may have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as doomscrolling, drinking supermarket own-brand wine or therapy you can’t afford. Your therapist will encourage healthier alternatives. These include journalling, mindfulness and taking a walk in nature. Instead you tell her you’ve done all that and stay in.
Fresher has already met annoying twat he’ll struggle to shake for three years
AN 18-year-old beginning his second week at university has already found the person who he will be desperate to avoid all the way until graduation.
Jordan Gardner met James Bates at a sign-up session for kickabout football and, keen to make new friends, made the mistake of starting a conversation.
Jordan explained: “The university years are the best of your life, or should be for the cost, so I’ve been trying to put myself out there more. I never knew it could go so horribly wrong.
“We arranged to meet at the bar later, where he immediately barrelled into a conversation I was having with a fit girl on my course and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how he can’t wait to try loads of recipes in his air fryer. Then listed the recipes.
“He twisted my arm into buying him a pint saying he’s waiting for his loan, then ruined my second try at the fit girl by forcing me to look at pictures of an OnlyFans model he’s subscribed to.
“I tried to get rid of him by saying I was tired, but he followed me back to halls and started having a go at my housemate for wearing shoes indoors, saying, ‘That would get you arrested in Japan’. That flatmate’s not spoken to me since.
“I spoke to my resident advisor, and he told me to quit football, change course, request to switch accommodation and begin going by a different name. Otherwise the twat will end up being my best man.”
Six things empty nest couples have completely forgotten how to do
AFTER an 18-year wait the kids have gone to university, the house is empty, and the two of you are wondering what you used to do with all these hours. Was it this kind of thing?
Sleep through the night
Parents of babies expect to have broken sleep. Parents of teenagers get used to some bastard being up at 3am on a video call to their girlfriend while making popcorn. But after two institutionalised decades, the disturbing lack of noise keeps you awake then you can’t sleep after 8am regardless.
Occupy free time
Years of snatching 20 minutes here and there to read, years of pausing telly every time you’re interrupted, and suddenly there’s nothing. Time smothers you like a velvet blanket and all the activities you used to fill an evening with are done by 9pm. This is why old people devote whole weeks to getting a new shower curtain. They have nothing else to do.
Have conversations that aren’t about the kids
Your every conversation has been about the children since Tony Blair was prime minister. Now it’s just two of you on a sofa, awkwardly facing forward, trying not to pick up your phones. And end up bringing up the weather and state of the country, as though strangers waiting for a bus.
Appreciate silence
Once a blizzard of noise, now nobody’s asking where their socks are or if octopuses can be milked for ink. The silence is deafening and disorienting. You hear new creaks and rattles in your knees which were once masked by K-Pop and FIFA. The silence is not appreciated; it’s disturbing. Turn the telly up or have a row.
Socialise
Your one-time party pals, the friendship flame you’ve kept alive through your child-raising years? Now as unencumbered by progeny as you are? You meet for a proper night out and f**k they’re boring, going on about antique restoration or the unfairness of their pension scheme or lawn scarification. ‘Are we that dull?’ you ask your partner, afraid of the answer.
Have sex
With children at home sex is usually a passionless, functional affair, perfunctory and silent. Now there’s time for foreplay and exploration if either of you could remember how to get started or why you’d bother and hadn’t parent-locked yourself out of all devices that might teach you. You try, but the only thing that gets f**ked is your back.
We ask you: What else should benefit claimants be arbitrarily banned from buying?
KEMI Badenoch will stop the jobless buying cigarettes, alcohol or gambling with their benefits. What would you snatch out of their grubby hands?
Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “I would ban them from eating cakes, or at least cakes with enough sugar and fat content to taste pleasant. They’re allowed iced fingers or Cuthbert the Caterpillar.”
Norman Steele, arcade supervisor: “If you have no income and want to masturbate, you should be forced to monetise it. Do it for our amusement online or not at all.”
Donna Sheridan, bird trapper: “It seems short-sighted stopping them gambling. A lot of these people are close to that one big win that will get them off benefits forever.”
Helen Archer, lens grinder: “Banning cigarettes but not vaping. Wow. The Tories really are out of touch with the long-term benefits claimant on the Midlands sink estate.”
Mary Fisher, art auctioneer: “I see these benefits people on the latest iPhone, toting Birkin bags, driving their Rolls-Royces. So I would ban them from buying iPhones, Birkin bags and Rolls-Royces.”
The Poke
Donald Trump called on Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make a deal with Putin and of all the A++ replies this one beat all-comers
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The Poke.
The American right-wing ‘muscular Christianity’ conference got exactly as much mockery as it deserved – 15 top takedowns
You know how we’ve all been lying awake worrying that the Church isn’t equipped for spiriyual warfare, and whatnot? Well, worry no more. The ultra-conservative Kairos Christian Alliance is all over it, and has just had a conference to address the matter, named ‘Muscular Christianity’. No, really! Trump cultist Dr David Schrock, who wrote his […]
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Donald Trump’s frantically furious response to CNN’s Kaitlan Collins said so much more about him than he intended
These pages have featured no end of run-ins between Donald Trump’s and CNN’s estimable White House correspondent Kaitlan Collins, but we don’t remember one quite so revealing as this. Trump banned CNN and other media news outlets he doesn’t like from the White House last week, and while he has since been forced into a […]
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Toby Young used a column in the Daily Mail to talk about being ‘cancelled’ and the internet replied as one
Free speech gimp Toby Young has been having a go at Andy Burnham in the Daily Mail. Nothing to see here, you might reasonably assume. Except for this particular column the Youngmeister used it to talk about being ‘cancelled’ and why the toll it took on him make it fearful of Burnham’s proposed National Centre […]
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Francis Bourgeois’s pure joy at spotting a train is brilliant, but it’s the locomotive’s NSFW-sounding name that stole the show
There are few things on the internet more wholesome than trainspotter and new co-presenter of The Grand Tour, Francis Bourgeois, getting completely overwhelmed by a passing locomotive. However, when this clip from 2021 started racking up millions of views on Twitter, it wasn’t just his delight that had people talking, it was the name of […]
The Poke.
