Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’

BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero of Lord Of The Rings, but he’s not in this case, which—I mean, evil is a form of innovation, right?” said a visibly weary Thiel, adding that he hadn’t yet decided what service the company would provide but had circled words such as “dog taser,” “mind control at scale,” and “poison” on a legal pad. “I tried using Gandalf and Samwise, but they didn’t quite work. It had to be Frodo. And believe me, Frodo, But Evil is going to do a lot of damage to the things we shouldn’t like. That much I am absolutely sure of. Because, like I said, it’s the opposite of Frodo. So there it is.” At press time, Frodo, But Evil had reportedly secured a $10 billion contract with the U.S. Defense Department. The Onion.

Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist

LOS ANGELES—With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival, Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV’s Video Music Awards. “This is truly an incredible achievement for Swift, who for years has been chasing the award total of the iconic master of prancing in three-quarter time,” said MTV spokesperson Morgan Banks, adding that the dozen trophies the 15-year-old stallion brought home in 2021 for his performance of Émile Waldteufel’s “Les Patineurs” seemed to put Geppetto’s award tally completely out of reach. “However—and not to diminish Taylor’s big night in the slightest—it is worth noting that Geppetto was sidelined for a significant amount of time with equine colic and also had his career put on hold due to a protracted conflict with his label. Who knows what he could’ve accomplished under different circumstances?” Sources close to Geppetto told reporters the horse would have graciously celebrated Swift’s accomplishment had he not tripped on the red carpet at last year’s VMAs and been humanely euthanized for a broken hoof. The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents

Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste of water in first place More time to spend with your AI girlfriend Helps you pull ahead of slow adopters in worldwide competition to live life most effectively CON Just spent all that time learning how to interface with humans Doesn’t cry when you yell at it Don’t get to open Wayfair’s emails yourself Still requires modicum of human effort The Onion.

Math Teacher’s Duplex Too Depressing To TP

ROCKFORD, IL—Toilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teacher’s duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their night’s plans. “Oh God, this is where Mr. R lives? Guys, this doesn’t feel good,” said local 10th grader Brendan Winchell, who admitted his fantasies of egging his trigonometry teacher’s house were dashed in an instant when he noticed the peeling window shutters of the cramped, dismal duplex where the educator apparently lived. “This just feels sad. There aren’t even any bushes or trees, and the rusty rain gutters are practically falling off the place. I guess we could throw some toilet paper on his driveway, but there’s already kind of a lot of trash on the ground over there. Christ, he lives like this? He’s 58.” At press time, the teens reportedly scattered back to their vehicles after accidentally catching a glimpse of their teacher’s bare refrigerator. The Onion.

What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile?

The Onion.

9 Incredible Artifacts Unearthed At Noah's Ark

An archaeological dig at the purported site of Noah's Ark has gotten people really excited. And it appears that it might be legit, because the team behind Noah's Ark Scans has already made some incredible finds.

Angels Change 'Big A' To 'Big L' To Celebrate 100-Loss Season

ANAHEIM, CA — To commemorate the team's record-setting 100-loss season, the Los Angeles Angels changed the "Big A" outside their stadium to a "Big L."

Click Here To See The List Of Celebrities Who Have Condemned Iran For Sentencing Women To Public Beatings For Uncovering Their Faces

We are blessed to live in a world where movie stars, musicians, and celebrities of all stripes care so deeply about the oppressed people of the Middle East. There is such power in hearing these voices boldly call out injustice, wherever it may be.

Mattel Confirms Hanukkah Barbie Comes Complete With Space Laser

U.S. — Toy giant Mattel unveiled its first-ever "Hanukkah Barbie" this week, confirming today that each doll will come complete with its own Jewish Space Laser.

Man Appalled By Provocative Clothes Being Worn By Woman He's Staring At

TUCSON, AZ — Local man Steve Kenner was outraged at his yoga class this week, condemning the "provocative" clothing worn by the woman he was staring at.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.  Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos

It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance. When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.  There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.  Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even. An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber. Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter. Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.  All moments of immaculate harmony.  Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.  What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.

Meta glasses giving ordinary spectacle-wearing perverts a bad name

HI-TECH eyewear used to film women without their knowledge is unfairly besmirching normal bespectacled peepers and voyeurs, it has emerged.  Wearers of Meta smart glasses are following unsuspecting women and uploading humiliating footage to the internet for cash, with the backlash punishing traditional deviants who follow women around for nothing but their own honest entertainment. Old-fashioned lecher Joseph Turner, wearing NHS spectacles from the 1980s, said: “They accuse me of filming women. Me! Who wants nothing more than to sniff their bus seats! “Yes, I’m short-sighted. Yes, I wear glasses with comically thick lenses. But when I stand close to a pretty lady and breathe heavily, it’s because I want to actually experience it in the moment not share it online for likes. “It’s sad, really. These sickos with their secret cameras are turning the simple act of staring at a lone female while rubbing your groin into something weird and creepy.” Police tech expert Sgt James Bates said: “Meta glasses are a real societal problem. We’re suddenly seeing video evidence of all of these instances of sexual harassment and it’s clear that we’ve got to take action. “It was so much easier to ignore when all we had was women’s word for it.”

‘£450 is more than enough to retire on’: Our financial expert tells you what you want to hear

SICK of financial advisors telling you ideally you should have paid into a pension before you turned 55? Our reassuring advisor Tom Logan explains it will all be fine:  ‘£43.62 is a fortune in free stuff’ If your savings account doesn’t quite hit the £50 mark, stop panicking. The best things in life are free so you’re rich in terms of things like sunsets, being in love and seeing the innocent joy in a child’s eyes. If they’re not enough to sustain you, you’re dead inside. ‘£450 is more than enough to retire on’ Don’t listen to scaremongering claims that you need £300k in a pension fund for a comfortable retirement. You’ll be getting a state pension anyway, so any other cash is a bonus. That’s a Twix a week for a decade, assuming inflation stops immediately. Worth living for. ‘I knew a guy who had £400,000 in the bank, then died’  Straight up. Massive heart attack on the Bakerloo line. So consider you could die a hundred ways – a bus, a train crash, cancer, a terrorist attack, a virus, a zoo accident – and wish you’d enjoyed that money instead. It’s actually worse to be torn apart by polar bears knowing you’ve been doing all that scrimping and saving. ‘£50 is plenty for a house deposit’ If you’re in your 20s and want to get on the property ladder, a £50 deposit is fine. Have you seen the price of houses? £280,000 for an unremarkable three-bedroom semi, for f**k’s sake. Even a £10,000 deposit is nowhere near, so in practical terms £50 is just as useful when you’re not buying a house you’ll never be able to afford. ‘Nobody cool has an ISA’  ISA just means ‘individual savings account’ and what’s so f**king revolutionary about that? Many banks let you set up a savings account with just £1, so assuming you’ve got £3, open a few. You’re not sharing the account with anyone, so now you have ‘multiple ISAs’ to mention in conversation with other smug twats. ‘Your overheads are low in old age’ At 93 you’re not going to be going out clubbing, paying for a gym membership or buying Lululemon activewear. So long as you can afford electricity for your TV and a few jars of Princes beef paste you’ll be having the time of your life. Senior bingo is free! ‘You can’t predict the future’ Has Martin Lewis got a crystal ball? No, didn’t think so. Your troubled finances might be sorted out instantly by anything from a winning lottery ticket to a distant relative leaving you a big haunted house. When you hit the jackpot you’ll be laughing at these mugs with their ‘financial security’. Mine’s a pint.

All this and ULEZ too, laugh delighted diesel drivers

Six children’s names that mean you are truly working class

WHAT’S in a name? Well, if given to a child it can forever determine their position at the bottom end of Britain’s hierarchy. There will be no social climbing for these:  Loughborough The aristocracy have historically singled themselves out by naming their spawn after exotic locations like Delphi or Arcadia. As usual, the lower orders have corrupted this proud tradition with their own knuckleheaded interpretation. Paris and Brooklyn are bad enough, but proper rough kids are named after a Midlands university famous for sport science degrees. Tiphanee The working classes didn’t learn standardised spelling in school. They were too busy earning their keep on a barm cake factory floor, which has resulted in their own children being slapped with knock-offs of real names which haven’t quite got the vowels right. It’s different when posh parents do it, that’s personal branding. Sports Direct Why call a child Versace or Hermes or John Lewis when you can go straight to the source? Bearing the nomenclature of a high street sporting outlet has many positives: your name on a mug, guaranteed warehouse work when you turn 16, and everyone’s automatically affectionate to you because of their pre-existing love for the brand. Pigeon Animal names are a trend among the upper classes, with Mouse and Panda climbing in popularity. Less privileged parents can do the same by drawing on the world around them. Screeching Mid-Shag Fox is an inappropriate and something of a mouthful, but Pigeon works. One of those city ones that’s lost a half a foot and pecks at cigarette ends. Tarquin Once reserved for foppish scions of the baronetcy, it’s gone down society faster than Burberry and now appears regularly on council estates by parents trying to move upmarket. Expect flat-roofed pubs of the near future to be run by a thuggish dealer named Tarquin and his XL bullys Sixtus and Sevenus. Robbie A nice, normal name which has playfully taken the edge off the ending? Nothing could be more working class than that. You can practically picture his soot-covered face skipping to work down cobbled streets as he whistles excruciatingly. If he was a social climber he’d have a more aspirational name like Tesla or Joffrey.

Who all of Man City’s trophies between 2009-2018 will be awarded to: a guide

EVERY trophy won by Manchester City between 2009 and 2019 is now available for judicious redistribution. Who is going to walk away with what?  Premier League 2011-12, 2013-14, 2017-18 With three trophies available, if awarded to the runners-up two would go to Manchester United and one would go to Liverpool. But nobody likes Manchester United or Liverpool and the world shudders at the thought of José Mourinho receiving a post-dated trophy. Consequently the first will go to Chelsea, giving them the league and Europe double their money richly deserved, the second goes to Leicester City to make their 2016 win less implausible, and the final one goes to Arsenal as a retirement present for Arsene Wenger following the 2012 precedent of doing the same for Sir Alex Ferguson. FA Cup 2010-11 No arguments here. Stoke City were the losing finalists in that FA Cup final, have never won a major trophy and have long deserved one. They’ve earned it because without them we’d have no yardstick to test whether fancy foreign footballers could still do it on a wet Tuesday night in an absolute shithole. Thank you, Stoke, for your service. League Cup 2013-14, 2015-16, 2017-18 Difficult. Based on finalists, the first should go to Sunderland, the second to Liverpool and the third to Arsenal. But any trophy going to Sunderland would immediately bring English football into disrepute and the other two have said they’re fine without it. The decision has therefore been made to award all three to the fictitious club Melchester Rovers, with goals scored by Rocky Race, Neymar and Louis Tomlinson, and the hope is that US buyers will make huge bids and allow the FA to boost earnings by promoting an invented club overseas, following the example of Wrexham. Community Shield 2012-13 To be given away to one lucky winner in a competition on cans of Coca-Cola. Champions League Didn’t win any. Shame.

An Australian comedian hilariously explained which things are the UK and which are Great Britain, and it’s breaking people’s brains

During Andy Burnham’s chat with Donald Trump, the president demonstrated his complete failure to grasp British geography, even though his mother emigrated to the US from Scotland. Trump: "You call it United Kingdom, Britain, they call it sometimes England. They go back to the old. It's got more names than any other place in the […] The Poke.

Sharron Davies said some retired people are struggling so much with bills they are having to spend their winters in Spain to save money and it just didn’t add up

The cost of living crisis is no laughing matter, obviously, and just how much the old age pension should go up each year is one of the hot topics at this year’s Labour Party conference. And it was the difficulty of some retired people to make ends meet that was at the forfront of swimmer […] The Poke.

Karoline Leavitt’s ‘devastating burn’ for the Democrats was a textbook schoolboy error for the ages

Karoline Leavitt isn’t White House press secretary anymore but it doesn’t mean she’s stopped spouting nonsense on behalf of Donald Trump. She just doesn’t do it while stood behind a lectern in the White House. And it doesn’t come any more nonsensical than this, a devastating burn for the Democrats – Dumocrats surely? – which […] The Poke.

Chancellor John Healey’s description of Nigel Farage as “Liz Truss with a Bitcoin account” has to be a shoo-in for Burn of the Conference

The Labour conference is currently taking place in Liverpool, with Andy Burnham’s big speech due to happen later today – at the time of writing. Expect a mixture of big-ticket announcements, ‘tough decisions’, and nostalgia from the PM who was born in the city. Chancellor John Healey has already had his moment in the spotlight, […] The Poke.

Donald Trump’s Oval Office nap would have been less mortifying if he hadn’t just been wanging on about ‘Sleepy Joe’ – 19 resounding facepalms

We’re beginning to wonder why the White House doesn’t just schedule the president’s photo ops for the middle of the night. He’s usually up posting AI pictures of himself with great hair and a six-pack, defeating Mark Carney in a wrestling match, or towing Greenland over to New York, or some such guff. Flipping the […] The Poke.