Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank

WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of us will just be confused, but know this: We will be crashing our cars into the side of a financial institution downtown,” said Leonard Kircher, 93, who reaffirmed the demographic’s intention to swerve into traffic, hop a curb, and smash straight into the bank’s outer wall, causing massive structural damage to the building and distress to its occupants. “We may have cataracts and hearing problems. We may think we’re at McDonald’s or our childhood home. Our driver’s licenses may be from 2003. But nothing will deter us from our mission to cause a huge accident at the bank from which we will somehow walk away completely unscathed despite never wearing a seatbelt. This we promise you.” At press time, the group reaffirmed their commitment to creating a future with many more elderly vehicular disasters. The Onion.

Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles

LOS ANGELES—Ripping apart the film’s “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he caught a pedophile. “Obviously, I’m a little biased since the character is based on me, but I was shocked to sit through the entire film and not once see [Robert Pattinson] throw down a sheet of cardboard and start spinning on his head to rejoice at another predator apprehended,” said Hansen, claiming he was not once consulted by director Lance Oppenheim on either the meticulously choreographed routines or the song choices he tailored to every unique pedophile’s chat logs and background. “I’m not sure what the point of doing a To Catch A Predator movie is if you’re not even going to show the reality of how I’d don my iconic gold ‘HAVE A SEAT’ chain and ‘SHE’S 16’ bucket hat, then hit a standing backflip while the cops slapped on the handcuffs. If you need evidence that the film is a hit piece on me, look no further than the fact that Robert Pattinson plays me as a dark, cynical individual who never even pops-and-locks in parachute pants.” Hansen also announced he would take out ads before every screening of the film to show audiences how to pull off his signature moves. The Onion.

Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future

ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their behavior. “Upon reviewing the disciplinary action we took toward the seven Chi Phi brothers who allegedly gang-raped a student for over seven hours, we have concluded that the mandated two-page minimum on essays was woefully inadequate,” Cornell president Michael Kotlikoff said in a written statement, insisting that at least five double-spaced pages in proper MLA format were necessary for assailants to truly appreciate the gravity of their crimes. “Rest assured, we will increase the original two-source requirement to three, and we will invalidate essays that fail to include the student’s full name and ID number. Furthermore, we will be running all submissions through an AI detector to prevent anyone from taking the easy way out. We have learned from the mistakes of the past and are committed to ensuring sexual predators do not escape justice without writing at least 1,500 words first.” Kotlikoff later clarified that student athletes would be allowed to complete an alternative assignment that involved drawing an animal of their choice. The Onion.

Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture

The Onion.

Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed

Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors Campaign Strategy: Distract voters with ideas for improving government Largest Attack Ad Funders: AIPAC, Mike Rogers for Senate, DNC Where The ‘El’ In Name Comes From: Ancestors pandering for Latino vote Hairline: Staunch, resolute Why He Is Running: You know, sometimes he looks around at you knuckleheads and isn’t sure  Chances Of Winning: Still considered high despite months of bruising attacks from the Democratic Party The Onion.

Woman Prepares For Start Of 'Taking Picture Of Bible Next To Cup Of Coffee' Season

JONESBORO, AR — Local woman Geena Parks reportedly couldn't contain her excitement for October to begin, which she said is the start of "taking pictures of your Bible next to a cup of coffee" season.

Mamdani Announces New Plan To Fight Antisemitism By Locking His Wife In A Closet

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced a new plan to fight antisemitism by locking his own anti-semitic wife in their bedroom closet.

The Year Is 2064 And Dude Perfect Has Just Released ‘Nursing Home Wheelchair Trick Shots Volume 9’

THE FUTURE — The year is 2064, and the guys from Dude Perfect are still going strong, having just released their latest video featuring the most insane wheelchair trick shots this side of Shady Oaks Nursing Home.

Britain Apologizes For Disrupting Whatever It Was Nice Muslim Men Were Doing

LONDON — The British government issued an official public apology on Tuesday for interrupting whatever it was the nice Muslim men in unmarked vans were doing at 1:00 a.m. outside a military base used by U.S. forces.

9 Incredible Artifacts Unearthed At Noah's Ark

An archaeological dig at the purported site of Noah's Ark has gotten people really excited. And it appears that it might be legit, because the team behind Noah's Ark Scans has already made some incredible finds.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.  Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Evening Things Out: Six Of The TVs In This Hotel’s Breakfast Area Are Playing Fox News, But The Other One Is Playing Funny Animal Videos

It’s rare that things rest in perfect balance. When two forces meet in nature, dominance typically sways one way or the other, never achieving perfect equilibrium. So when you observe a perfect yin yang out in the world, it’s important to stop for a moment and marvel at the symmetry.  There’s an example right here: Six of the TVs in this hotel’s breakfast area are playing Fox News, but the other one is playing funny animal videos.  Ah yes. By counterbalancing the angry pundits on Fox News with a video about a cat who made friends with a parakeet, this Holiday Inn Express in Fargo, North Dakota has kept things perfectly even. An hourglass turned on its side at the precise moment there are 50,000 grains of sand in each chamber. Identical twins sitting atop a perfectly level teeter totter. Six 65” televisions with Jesse Waters spreading racist conspiracy theories and one with a miniature donkey who thinks he’s a dog.  All moments of immaculate harmony.  Despite the sound being muted on the funny animals video channel, the curious porcupines on the funny animal videos channel are perfectly juxtaposing Greg Gutfeld’s smug commentary about migrant border crossings.  What better way to create a zen state for grumpy travelers enjoying their watered-down orange juice and biscuits and gravy at 6:15 a.m. on a Wednesday?

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution:“Your body, my choice.”Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave.“Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.”The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.”One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts.A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera.“Your body,” he says. “My choice.”Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard.“No.”“Why?”“Because.”The screen fades to black.Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards.“You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.”The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child.Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster.“Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?”Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers.“This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.”He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched.

Too many news stories frustratingly open-ended

Britain well up for demonising pensioners

THE UK has confirmed it is ready to loathe freeloading pensioners bleeding us dry with their f**king triple locks the moment they are given the word.  As even Tories begin to doubt the wisdom of making the least productive sector of UK society the richest, the country is preparing for a hate campaign against these beige leeches from which they will never recover. Hannah Tomlinson of Hitchin said: “As a millennial, I’ve already spent years whipping up online mobs against anyone older than me with incorrect opinions. I couldn’t be readier. “And these grey-haired f**ks, squatting in their big houses squandering NHS resources while lapping up racist AI content and voting as far right as they’re physically able? They’ve had it coming for a long f**king time. “They make me sick with their their winter fuel payments and their uncritical adoration of Richard Osman. Our country’s going bankrupt so they can go to over-60s Aquafit and buy bedding plants? F**king boomers. Kill them all and cancel Call The Midwife.” 22-year-old Jordan Gardner agreed: “They’re dead weight, and now we’re introducing a new tax just for their care? Bollocks to that. Instead of bringing their care workers over here, how about we ship the lot of them to Rwanda? And further.” Prime minister Andy Burnham said: “Well, this is most fortuitous in terms of budgets for the next three years.”

‘New here’ means ‘recently dumped’: common dating app terms translated

NEW to dating apps? Confused by the phrases all the long-term singletons who long ago lost all faith in love are using? Find your way with this guide:  ‘New here’ means ‘Recently dumped’ Dating apps are haunted by the sad, lonely wraiths of society doomed to never find companionship. Nobody stumbles in happily, no matter how cheerfully it’s phrased. Being new to a dating app means a previous life of happiness has imploded and now you’re in the trenches of loneliness with everyone else in the radius you’ve arbitrarily set. ‘Want children’ means ‘You are a means to an end’ Taken at face value, someone saying they want children is refreshingly straightforward. But look closer. The singleton in question is edging toward 40. There’s a manic glint in her eye which suggests this is her last roll of the dice. If you meet up, she will be trying to harvest your genetic material within hours, once you’ve provided proof of earnings. ‘Figuring out my dating goals’ means ‘I want to shag around’ Everyone has a decent idea of what they want out of a relationship. If someone says they’re still figuring it out, it means they want to up their body count before they settle down. Unfortunately in this case he’s a balding man in his early 40s called Darren, so he has to dress up his urges so women don’t realise. ‘Looking for long-term relationship, open to short’ means ‘I’m desperate’ Being open to anything is to admit you’re scrambling. They want a committed relationship for life, but they’re so starved of love that they’ll settle for a couple of dates and hoping you’re so impressed by their oral skills you’ll tumble into marriage. An easy lay if you’re so inclined, but expect tears after. Or during. ‘I don’t take life too seriously’ means ‘I am insufferable’ This harmless phrase suggests a zest for life, surely? Wrong. People who use this are non-entities who think going for a Sunday roast counts as a spontaneous adventure. They also usually claim to not be political, which means they’d be the first person to report you to the secret police should fascism get going again.

Those are the bad guys, say Americans with no knowledge of British farce

US politicians who could never understand how routinely farcical everyday life in the UK is are still insisting they know who the bad guys are.  While Britain begins to cheerfully take the piss about the arrest of five men at RAF Fairford who were later released on bail, Americans continue to believe it must be still be all very serious like in one of their movies. Whelford resident Ryan Whittaker said: “Yesterday we were all shit-scared of a major terrorist incident. Today we’ve accepted the whole thing was a blundering, hilarious f**k-up. “Trump and Marco Rubio keep pretending this was a major international plot, and perhaps it was. It’s just when such things hit British soil they tend to get overtaken by irony, mockery and Gazza arriving with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken. “Iran? Al-Qaeda? Five Uber drivers out to nick some red diesel? We don’t know the details yet, but we can be confident that when they do come out they’ll be funny. I bet that Cobra meeting couldn’t keep a straight face. “Meanwhile, we’ve got the short-term amusement of all the online bellends who insisted this proved them right in every detail now shouting shite about ‘two-tier justice’. Don’t they look like dicks?” Reform leader Nigel Farage said: “I hope this ‘mirth’ does not extend to my article in yesterday’s Telegraph about this entirely justifying my warnings of the Iran menace. I am a very serious politician.”

Meta glasses giving ordinary spectacle-wearing perverts a bad name

HI-TECH eyewear used to film women without their knowledge is unfairly besmirching normal bespectacled peepers and voyeurs, it has emerged.  Wearers of Meta smart glasses are following unsuspecting women and uploading humiliating footage to the internet for cash, with the backlash punishing traditional deviants who follow women around for nothing but their own honest entertainment. Old-fashioned lecher Joseph Turner, wearing NHS spectacles from the 1980s, said: “They accuse me of filming women. Me! Who wants nothing more than to sniff their bus seats! “Yes, I’m short-sighted. Yes, I wear glasses with comically thick lenses. But when I stand close to a pretty lady and breathe heavily, it’s because I want to actually experience it in the moment not share it online for likes. “It’s sad, really. These sickos with their secret cameras are turning the simple act of staring at a lone female while rubbing your groin into something weird and creepy.” Police tech expert Sgt James Bates said: “Meta glasses are a real societal problem. We’re suddenly seeing video evidence of all of these instances of sexual harassment and it’s clear that we’ve got to take action. “It was so much easier to ignore when all we had was women’s word for it.”

Trump was asked for his message to voters heading into midterm elections and his answer attacked communists, socialists and … plumbers?

There isn’t a lot left for Donald Trump to destroy heading into the final two years of his second, and hopefully last, term. And yet with one month left before the midterm elections, he is unintentionally cutting his own party off at the knees with one batshit crazy statement after another. Given the opportunity to […] The Poke.

Donald Trump called Canada ‘one of the worst countries in the entire world’ and the whole of Canada replied as one

It’s not hard to gain entry into Donald Trump’s inner circle. All it takes is a lot of money and a small piece of your soul. Dictators have no issue getting in. But the countries with morals and a backbone run into problems. Which brings us to Canada, America’s neighbors to the North, who have […] The Poke.

Andy Burnham had a message for the right about ‘taking back control’ and it wasn’t just in the room he got a standing ovation

A big day for the Labour Party and an even bigger day for Andy Burnham, who gave his first speech to the party conference as prime minister today. And unlike when Keir Starmer did this sort of thing there was actually a moment or two that went viral, properly viral. And none more so than […] The Poke.

This guy’s mad dog impression in a 2010 viral interview is still one of the funniest things to come out of Australia

Back in 2010, Australian Ray Graham went viral after his explanation of the problem of vicious dogs in his neighbourhood involved a very convincing impression of the animals. He became known as Barking Dog Man and, as the Batshit Moments in Aussie Media account explained in 2023, the clip might well be the most iconic […] The Poke.

People have been sharing the pieces of modern etiquette they refuse to participate in – 19 social rules people have turned their backs on

When it comes to being a person, there are certain unspoken rules that are designed to make the human experience a little easier. A lot of them make sense, but then again, a lot of them don’t. TwoTapMcLap was curious to hear about the expectations that people are sick of living up to, so they […] The Poke.