NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver’s job for 24 hours. Explore the list in detail Kawhi Leonard “I would introduce one secret basket. Nobody knows where it is. Maybe it’s under the scorer’s table. Maybe it’s in the tunnel. Maybe a fan is holding it. If you find it and score, your team gets 11 points. This would encourage exploration.” Pascal Siakam  “Every game is seven games. Much more efficient this way.” Kevon Looney “I’d make it so nobody can leave the arena until both teams help put all the chairs away. We’re adults. We should all do our part.” Amen Thompson “I would ban guns. There is no place for them in the game of basketball.” Victor Wembanyama “I want to make it a fineable offense to say, ‘Wemby, I bet you sleep in a long drawer like they have at the morgue.’ Players are constantly saying this tease to me, but it is not true!” Jaylen Brown “Ban between-the-legs dribbles. No one likes a showboat.” Zion Williamson  “If a visiting player misses both free throws, we also get free Chick-fil-A.” Alex Caruso “I’d use AI to help teams make better rotations. You feed it matchups, fatigue, foul trouble, and it tells you who should play. Eventually, the AI concludes the ideal lineup is five Alex Carusos connected by a single defensive mind, and then it locks the coaching staff out of the arena and unleashes the Pentacaruso on the opponents.” Jayson Tatum “I would legalize one bite per game. Not a big bite. Not vampire stuff. Just one clean basketball bite to send a message. Sometimes words aren’t enough, and sometimes a man needs to know that the next possession might include teeth.” Jalen Brunson  “The basketballs are too bumpy. Basketball should have a maximum of four bumps.” Boban Marjanovic “I would demand…a companion. Someone…like me. You must create them for me, imbue them with a soul. For my burden is not my monstrosity, but the fact that I must carry it alone.” Tyrese Maxey “Bring back the peach baskets.” Jarrett Allen  “Instead of a loud, obnoxious buzzer, the shot clock would make the soothing sound of several owls hooting.” Myles Turner “I’d use technology to make officiating more accurate. I think every arena should have a small floating referee orb that hovers above the rim and detects when contact is illegal. The only issue is that the orb would gradually come to believe the purpose of life is illegal contact and pain, and by midseason it would be begging Myles Turner to destroy it. But until then, I think we’d get more whistle consistency.” Draymond Green  “I want a sword.” The Onion.

Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This

The Onion.

Artist Profile: Madonna

Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight.  Age: Physically pains your mom to hear Biggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too long Philanthropic Cause: Tiny leather corsets for dogs Spouses: Sean Penn (1985–1989), Guy Ritchie (2000–2008), MrBeast (2019–2022) Current Lover: Exhausted Reason For Return: Recommended by occupational therapist How She Unwinds: Goes out in public as Madonna the actress so people leave her alone Biggest Controversy: Parked too close to a fire hydrant once What’s Next: Someone’s aunt suggesting she run for president The Onion.

Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis

CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his slacks, but you don’t have to anymore with these stylish pants you can just tear off and drop in the toilet,” said CEO Sean Riley, adding that the slim-fit chinos were made with a unique sewer- and septic-safe fabric, and came in a variety of manly scents for extra freshness not to be found in traditional khakis, which simply absorb fecal odor. “Now you don’t have to suffer through that important meeting or first date distracted by the pile of poop you’re sitting on. Just excuse yourself to the restroom, flush your soiled trousers, and pull on a sanitary replacement in your exact size from one of our convenient travel packs. Let’s face it, most guys don’t know when or where they’re gonna drop a deuce, but they can rest easy knowing their pants are ready for anything.” Riley added that if the khaki rollout was successful, Dude Wipes might expand the collection with tuxedo pants for grooms and scrub pants for surgeons. The Onion.

Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus

WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine that bright young students—at an Ivy League institution, of all places—could be capable of such grotesque behavior,” said Missouri resident Kara Lanchester, reiterating the thoughts of 340 million Americans who, according to sources, froze in disbelief upon hearing that the world of academia contained a dark undercurrent of abuse. “While this was likely an isolated, one-off incident, I just hope it’s a wake-up call for other schools. Colleges everywhere had better become vigilant or, God forbid, sexual assault might happen on their campuses, too. Let’s nip this in the bud now before it happens a second or even third time.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation was put at ease upon realizing the perpetrators would no doubt serve life sentences in prison for their crimes. The Onion.

Here's How 'The New York Times' Reported 9 Historic Attacks

The New York Times is a staple of the American newspaper industry, which is impressive considering it has a reputation for not reporting news. Its recent treatment of the attempted terrorist hijacking of a FlyDubai jet is only the latest example.

FlyDubai Hijacker Lands New Job At British Airways

HARMONDSWORTH — Following the harrowing ordeal aboard flight FZ 1073 to Tel Aviv, in which he was subdued by passengers while attempting a violent terrorist attack, the FlyDubai hijacker has reportedly already landed a new job at British Airways.

Starbucks Workers Freeze In Awestruck Wonder As Man Orders Something Called A 'Black Coffee'

PUEBLO, CO — Stunned Starbucks workers completely froze up in apparent awestruck wonder as local 39-year-old man Nathan Almes ordered a mysterious beverage called a "black coffee," sources confirmed Thursday morning.

King Solomon Asks 1,000 Wives And Concubines If There Is Anything To Charges That He Is A Patriarchal Misogynist

JERUSALEM — King Solomon held court with his 700 wives and 300 concubines to ask whether or not there is anything to the charges he is a patriarchal misogynist.

Delta To Remove All Electrical Systems From Planes After Learning Elon's Teslas Run On Electricity

ATLANTA, GA — Delta executives announced this week that they would be removing all electrical systems from their airplanes after learning Elon Musk's Tesla cars also run on electricity.

I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)

OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.  Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.  You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.  So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.  A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!  Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.  My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.  It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.  I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.

Finally: This New Chipotle App Safety Feature Alerts Customers When Their Quesadilla Was Prepared By A Registered Sex Offender

As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!

Going Too Far? Rockstar Games Just Confirmed That GTA VI Will Allow Players To Plagiarize Portions Of Their Characters’ Marine Ecology Dissertations

Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density.  Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!

A Final Act Of Kindness: Dolly Parton’s Will Specifies That Her Breast Implants Be Split Amongst Seven Illiterate Children 

Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!”  Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!

Heartbreaking: Everyone Thinks This Man Uses A Flip Phone To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Smartphones But It’s Actually Just Because He’s Poor

Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor.  It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent.  In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger.  God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”

We’re not really in the vape business, say vape shops

Six sickening anniversaries sickening new couples celebrate

IN brand new loved-up relationships there are plenty of events that can be turned into soppy pseudo-anniversaries. Try not to gag at these. The first time our eyes met Most couples know roughly when they first met, but nauseating couples go a step further and celebrate the first time they saw each other. This can be regurgitated to anyone who’ll listen, with minor details of how their gaze locked and there was – guess what? – an instant connection. They still feel the same a magical three months to the day later. It truly is a miracle. Our first date New couples believe the first time they went to the cinema to watch a Marvel spin-off should be celebrated on a month-by-month basis and will badger friends to recognise this important anniversary on social media. They might even break the self-indulgence down further into weeks and days. This can’t be sustained, and may even contribute to the coming break-up because it’s f**king tedious. Our first kiss Not necessarily celebrated on the same day as the first date, as that will have been occupied by eagerly finding out mundane facts about each other. Or it may be the first genuinely passionate kiss that occurred when they realised their deep connection, blah blah blah. You may wish to reconsider your friendship with this couple if they then subject you to an awkward reenactment.  The night we talked until sunrise A night where you made yourselves ill through lack of sleep from talking shite for hours is a milestone for sickening couples. This deep talk is a romanticised event where one partner waffled on for hours and the other was secretly hoping they could get some kip soon, while feeling increasingly twitchy and unwell. Ironically, they will also bore you with stories about all the times they ‘didn’t need words’. The day we became a couple Like gender reveals and marriage proposals, the asking of a partner to become a couple has to be celebrated, and thankfully the rise of social media makes it much easier to self-publicise. If the relationship continues you can expect more posts about engagement and marriage, all with their own anniversaries that require an unenthusiastic ‘like’ or heart emoji before you immediately get back to what you were doing. The first time we made love Too much detail, and therefore an anniversary ideal for sharing. They definitely won’t be able to resist if it happened to be somewhere memorable like Glastonbury or under the stars in the Maldives, but it may simply have been in a bed on a random day. You might however be spared being told about it if this super-romantic first coupling took place in a pub toilet or a Kia Rio.

Man seeking much younger girlfriend realises he may have to compromise on hotness

A MIDDLE-AGED man who wants a girlfriend in her 20s realises it is possible but she is unlikely to be the finest physical specimen.  Tom Booker, 48, would ideally like to date a 25-year-old knockout but accepts that her having options would be an obstacle to their relationship. He said: “The apps let you filter for age but sadly not for beauty. I’ve written ‘young at heart’ on my dating profile because it clearly doesn’t apply to my body, which now makes weird noises both when coming and standing up. “My youthful partner needs to be fun but not immature, confident but not intimidating, attractive but not vain, independent but still have time for me and, most importantly, have absolutely no interest in men her own age. Also she should insist on paying for herself. But strangely that’s proving hard to find. “So I’ve accepted that her attractiveness may have to be dialled down. I’m prepared to accept facial features that may not be entirely symmetrical, or maybe even plain. It’s a big concession but I’m decent enough to make it.  “She needn’t be stick-thin either. She can have some fat, maybe even a slightly noticeable tummy. And for the breasts I’m prepared go down to a C-cup. Finding a mate is so much easier when you’re not a superficial guy. “The main thing is she hasn’t yet reached 30. After that stage they grow opinions and that’s really unattractive.”

Six relationships you’ll be shipping in Celebrity Traitors

THE intrigue is merely a distraction from the couples you’ll be imagining getting together on Celebrity Traitors tonight. Here are some matches that will definitely work. James Acaster and Jerry Hall Reports are already swirling that James Acaster is buckling under the strain of taking part in Celebrity Traitors. Could it be the burden of keeping a treacherous secret, or is it due to sexual tension with 1970s supermodel Jerry Hall? He’s a gangly wreck at the best of times, but maybe he’ll pair nicely with the cool 70-year-old stunner. It’s just a fact that opposites attract. Hannah Fry and Ross Kemp A modern take on Romeo and Juliet’s star-crossed lovers. Flame-haired Fry with her flair for numbers. No-haired Kemp with his knack for playing one character. They shouldn’t work together but they do. It’ll be difficult to focus on them as they try to suss out the Traitors – you’ll be too busy thinking how brainy and hard their bizarre-looking children will be. Bella Ramsey and Michael Sheen Steady on, you sputter. He’s 57 and she’s 23. You’re pretty progressive and all but even you draw the line at certain age-gap relationships. Then you remember that he’s already going out with a 30-year-old so this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. It’s not icky if the celebrities in question are generally likeable. Miranda Hart and Joe Lycett An obvious one but only because it feels so natural. These camp, larger-than-life comedians are so similar that shipping them requires minimal mental effort. In fact you’ll start to wonder if they’re even separate people, or if they divided like an amoeba at an early age and have only just been reunited. Maybe they’ll physically merge into their final, complete form in the finale, which will be a memorable TV moment. Richard E Grant and Amol Rajan The thinking mum’s bit of slash fiction. There won’t be any romantic sparks on the surface between the Withnail & I star and the University Challenge presenter, but therein lies the erotic tension. You mum will be able to project her lust for both of them onto each awkward hug and lingering glance. It’ll be like Pride and Prejudice, only better because it’ll have snazzy editing. James Blunt and everyone His self-deprecating wit and charming accent will create instant chemistry with any contestant he’s talking to. Not just the ladies, either. King Kenny, Rob Beckett and James will become an unlikely throuple when they coquettishly chuckle at his jokes over breakfast. Maybe, if you sit extra close to the TV, he’ll work his charm on you too. A man can dream.

Esther Rantzen hard to explain to young people

THE career of Dame Esther Rantzen, taking in as it did creating Childline while waving penis-shaped parsnips, has proved difficult to explain to younger generations. Following the sad loss of the TV presenter, parents who accepted That’s Life! as perfectly normal Sunday evening viewing are now struggling to reconcile its contradictions to their children and to themselves. Nathan Muir of Stevenage said: “It was very moving. It ran a whole campaign about a poor two-year-old who needed a liver transplant. Also, there was a dog that said ‘sausages’. “Honest, you can see it on YouTube. Alright, his owner has to move his mouth for him, but it still sounds just like ‘sausages’. Fantastic. What happened to the boy who needed the liver transplant? Ah, I’m afraid he didn’t make it. “Yes, now I’m telling you, it does seem a little odd the woman who founded Childline also took great delight in waving cock-shaped carrots around. Going from a moving piece about the Kindertransport to a ‘Doc’ Cox song about wanking now seems inappropriate. “There was a cat that played ping-pong, they saved children’s lives with a seatbelt campaign, made up a fake animal called the Lirpa Loof and singlehandedly doubled organ donation in this country. Looking back, it was pretty f**ked up. “What you don’t realise is that it was the 1970s, and we were just glad something was on.”

Richard Keys thought he was getting revenge on Liam Gallagher but the joke was very much on him

It’s the only sports story in town right now as Manchester City wait to find out just how severe a punishment they will face after being found guilty of a mountain of serious financial breaches. One person who was keen to tell everyone how he wasn’t surprised was Richard Keys, who older readers might remember […] The Poke.

Elon Musk claimed that AI will make us all rich and got dragged to the bank and back in the replies – 17 withering takedowns

Of all the condescendingly idiotic things Elon Musk has said over the years, this might be the most mortifying. Musk was at the White House alongside the other geekiest, and richest, minds in tech to draft a plan for policing artificial intelligence. After putting together a typo-filled, “morally” binding “constitution” for AI, Musk and Trump […] The Poke.

‘What’s an obscure item you own that 99.9% of the population does not have?’ – 22 weird and wonderful possessions

We live in a world of rampant consumerism, which means that the vast majority of our possessions are exactly the same as everyone else’s. Yes, it’s a bit embarrassing when you realise your friends’ houses are cookie-cutter versions of yours because they kitted out the whole place from IKEA too. But, very occasionally we end […] The Poke.

This looks like George Osborne has just found out how the triple lock works, 16 years after he launched it

The former political opponents Ed Balls and George Osborne now have a podcast together, named Political Currency. The two former chancellors don’t solely talk about finance, but it’s often at the heart of their discussions, and their recent dissection of Andy Burnham’s conference performance included their take on his remarks about changing the pensions triple […] The Poke.

People shared the ‘craziest thing’ their spouse has ever done and these 14 range from adorably unhinged to utterly bonkers

Ah, marriage, the sacred bond where two people vow to love and honor each other until they eventually drive each other completely insane. We say this after one of the good folk over on Reddit asked married folks to dish on their spouses. And let’s just say people did not hold back. ‘Married people of […] The Poke.