Latest parody and comedy news from around the web
Six Flags Magic Mountain permanently closed its famous X2 roller coaster due to a history of riders incurring brain injuries, with some resulting in death. What do you think? “You try selling a $27 fountain soda to someone with full cognitive function.” Laura Jessup, Decal Applier “Can’t they just ride it backwards to reverse the damage?” Joshua Tozi, Mouse Breeder “Too many or not enough?” Vince Sherburne, Assistant Docent The Onion.
.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } NBA Players Share The One Thing They’d Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver’s job for 24 hours. Explore the list in detail Kawhi Leonard “I would introduce one secret basket. Nobody knows where it is. Maybe it’s under the scorer’s table. Maybe it’s in the tunnel. Maybe a fan is holding it. If you find it and score, your team gets 11 points. This would encourage exploration.” Pascal Siakam “Every game is seven games. Much more efficient this way.” Kevon Looney “I’d make it so nobody can leave the arena until both teams help put all the chairs away. We’re adults. We should all do our part.” Amen Thompson “I would ban guns. There is no place for them in the game of basketball.” Victor Wembanyama “I want to make it a fineable offense to say, ‘Wemby, I bet you sleep in a long drawer like they have at the morgue.’ Players are constantly saying this tease to me, but it is not true!” Jaylen Brown “Ban between-the-legs dribbles. No one likes a showboat.” Zion Williamson “If a visiting player misses both free throws, we also get free Chick-fil-A.” Alex Caruso “I’d use AI to help teams make better rotations. You feed it matchups, fatigue, foul trouble, and it tells you who should play. Eventually, the AI concludes the ideal lineup is five Alex Carusos connected by a single defensive mind, and then it locks the coaching staff out of the arena and unleashes the Pentacaruso on the opponents.” Jayson Tatum “I would legalize one bite per game. Not a big bite. Not vampire stuff. Just one clean basketball bite to send a message. Sometimes words aren’t enough, and sometimes a man needs to know that the next possession might include teeth.” Jalen Brunson “The basketballs are too bumpy. Basketball should have a maximum of four bumps.” Boban Marjanovic “I would demand…a companion. Someone…like me. You must create them for me, imbue them with a soul. For my burden is not my monstrosity, but the fact that I must carry it alone.” Tyrese Maxey “Bring back the peach baskets.” Jarrett Allen “Instead of a loud, obnoxious buzzer, the shot clock would make the soothing sound of several owls hooting.” Myles Turner “I’d use technology to make officiating more accurate. I think every arena should have a small floating referee orb that hovers above the rim and detects when contact is illegal. The only issue is that the orb would gradually come to believe the purpose of life is illegal contact and pain, and by midseason it would be begging Myles Turner to destroy it. But until then, I think we’d get more whistle consistency.” Draymond Green “I want a sword.” The Onion.
The Onion.
Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight. Age: Physically pains your mom to hear Biggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too long Philanthropic Cause: Tiny leather corsets for dogs Spouses: Sean Penn (1985–1989), Guy Ritchie (2000–2008), MrBeast (2019–2022) Current Lover: Exhausted Reason For Return: Recommended by occupational therapist How She Unwinds: Goes out in public as Madonna the actress so people leave her alone Biggest Controversy: Parked too close to a fire hydrant once What’s Next: Someone’s aunt suggesting she run for president The Onion.
CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his slacks, but you don’t have to anymore with these stylish pants you can just tear off and drop in the toilet,” said CEO Sean Riley, adding that the slim-fit chinos were made with a unique sewer- and septic-safe fabric, and came in a variety of manly scents for extra freshness not to be found in traditional khakis, which simply absorb fecal odor. “Now you don’t have to suffer through that important meeting or first date distracted by the pile of poop you’re sitting on. Just excuse yourself to the restroom, flush your soiled trousers, and pull on a sanitary replacement in your exact size from one of our convenient travel packs. Let’s face it, most guys don’t know when or where they’re gonna drop a deuce, but they can rest easy knowing their pants are ready for anything.” Riley added that if the khaki rollout was successful, Dude Wipes might expand the collection with tuxedo pants for grooms and scrub pants for surgeons. The Onion.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the November election barely over a month away, President Donald Trump guaranteed a Republican victory in the midterms by officially renaming the Democrats "Republicans."
PALO ALTO, CA — Local woman and self-proclaimed feminist Brandy Sidwell expressed frustration this week over the fact that all the men she hates refuse to date her.
It can be hard to know what to say to a pregnant lady, especially when you're the man she's depending on for love and support. Fear not, gentlemen.
ABILENE, TX — Local 8-year-old Caden Maxwell came home from Sunday School sorely disappointed that "Sword Drills" turned out to be far different than what he expected.
QUANTICO, VA — While delivering remarks at Marine Corps Base Quantico, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth made the surprise announcement that all women would henceforth be banned from playing any class in a video game other than "healer."
OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane. You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin. So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it. A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition! Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga. My heart is still shaking. I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience. It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone. I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from. I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.
As Americans, we have a right to know when we live near a registered sex offender, but one fast casual restaurant correctly realized that’s not enough. That’s why this new Chipotle app safety feature alerts customers when their quesadilla was prepared by a registered sex offender. To quote Lizzo… it’s about damn time! From now on, when a registered sex offender makes your quesadilla, you’ll receive a notification that says: “The Chipotle Crew Member currently preparing your quesadilla is on the sex offender registry.” Users will then be given the following choices: “Ignore,” “Throw out my quesadilla,” or “Donate my quesadilla to the poor.” Although there’s no way to know whether the employee is on the registry for something benign like peeing in a public park or something super fucked up, Chipotle’s transparency allows customers to decide for themselves what level of risk they’re comfortable with when it comes to sex offenders touching their tortilla. While the feature has yet to be built out for other menu items, a company spokesperson promises that they are actively working to address that. Thanks to technological advancements, they feel confident this feature will exist for burritos and taco bowls by the end of 2028. So epic! Your move, Qdoba!
Grand Theft Auto versions I through V have reliably sparked controversy over the years with boundary-pushing gameplay options that allow players to drive drunk, solicit sex workers, engage in gang warfare, and even torture other characters. But has the latest edition finally gone too far? Rockstar Games just confirmed that GTA VI will allow players to plagiarize portions of their characters’ marine ecology dissertations. Sure, it’s just pretend, but is this really the kind of thing we want to normalize? According to head of development Rob Nelson, GTA VI protagonists Jason and Lucia can spend time on a mission called Academic Fraud, which involves working on a partially plagiarized dissertation for a PhD in Marine Biology and Ecology at the University of Leonida – Vice City. The paper, which Jason and Lucia must present to a thesis committee before being awarded degrees and becoming eligible to work as professors, can contain up to six sections ripped straight from the work of other marine ecologists—wholesale reproductions of paragraphs from other papers that may or may not be relevant to Jason and Lucia’s conclusion about climate change’s effects on Atlantic seagrass density. Parents and other concerned citizens have bristled against the mission’s content, which involves betraying a group of hardworking academics, jeopardizing future students’ education quality, and introducing bad data into the scientific record that could have deleterious effects on human treatment of marine ecosystems. Nelson says that upon successful completion of the mission, the characters will receive their first $1800 paycheck for adjunct professor work—though if they fail, their Reputation Points will take a hit and they will be removed from U of Leonida premises at gunpoint by the University’s dean. What do you think? Has GTA finally gone too far, or is this just the kind of thrilling gameplay you’ve been looking for? Sound off in the comments below!
Dolly Parton wasn’t just a legendary musician—she was an incredibly generous philanthropist, too, and her final act of kindness explains exactly why: Dolly Parton’s will specifies that her breast implants be split amongst seven illiterate children. And that’s why Dolly will always be the GOAT! According to Dolly Parton’s estate, the late singer ensured that her efforts to encourage literacy would continue after her death by requesting that slices of her breast implants be given to several illiterate children after she passed on. Although it’ll be a bit until the kids can read the phrase “I own an authentic chunk of Dolly Parton’s silicone tit,” that’s basically what they’ll be thinking 24/7, thanks to Dolly’s final generous donation. So heartwarming! But the Queen of Country wasn’t just going to stop there. In fact, some of the illiterate children will get a free reading exercise with their new loot, because a few of the silicone chunks feature the serial number embossed onto the implant. Have illiterate children ever been so lucky? We think not. Because the seven children, who were selected from the Nashville public school district, were only available over email and they cannot read or write, they didn’t respond to our request for interview. But we have to imagine that if they could write us back, they’d say “I am oh so grateful to Ms. Parton!” Ummm yup! This just goes to show how much acts of kindness mean to those less fortunate!
Ugh. Heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe the story you’re about to read: Everyone thinks this man uses a flip phone to avoid the pitfalls of smart phones but it’s actually just because he’s poor. It just goes to show that not owning a smart phone doesn’t always mean you value presence and data privacy. It can also mean you are deeply, profoundly insolvent. In his social circle, Pete Ferguson, 38, of Rochester, NY is mistakenly assumed to be a ‘digital minimalist’ whose choice to use a low-tech flip phone instead of a smartphone speaks to his personal beliefs. Unfortunately, however, all Pete’s flip phone usage really speaks to is the dire poverty he lives in. When Pete’s acquaintances encounter situations where his lack of a smartphone renders him unable to access the small but meaningful conveniences an iPhone or Android offers—GPS directions, Venmo, Uber, access to live news, a high-quality phone camera, etc.—they’ll often crack jokes about Pete’s Luddite tendencies, or express frustration at the inconvenience his “pretentious” choice to use a flip phone poses when engaging with him. But the devastating reality is that Pete has absolutely zero qualms about destroying his attention span, or letting companies harvest and sell his data 24/7, or being surveilled by the government wherever he goes. In fact, he’d love to sign up for all that. He’s just way, way too poor. Misconceptions about Pete’s reason for using a flip phone regularly put him in truly heart-wrenching situations. At work last week, Pete saw that there were leftover slices of Little Caesar’s pizza his boss had bought for a coworker’s birthday. Pete was covertly moving to wrap a few slices in paper towels and take them home since he couldn’t afford groceries that week, when a coworker asked him to take a group photo using their iPhone. Unfamiliar with how to use the iPhone camera, or a touchscreen device in general, Pete struggled to operate the phone camera, and accidentally hit a button that took him out of the camera UX altogether. The coworker quickly grew annoyed and asked someone else to take the photo, chirping, “I forgot Pete prefers living in the Stone Age!”, which got laughs from the whole group. As everyone was enjoying the joke, Pete turned to see a custodian dumping the Little Caesar’s leftovers into a trash bag, tying up the bag, and taking it out back. Pete went to bed hungry that night. It was two full days before he had a hot meal again, and throughout that entire time, he would’ve given anything to watch porn on a smartphone just to distract himself from the hunger. God. This is as depressing as it gets. It just goes to show that there’s a fine line between an aversion to tech and living below the poverty line. Pete may not be addicted to his iPhone and rotting his brain like the rest of us are, but that doesn’t mean his life is any better at all. Hang in there, Poverty Pete!
THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.Trump rejected them.“Too soft,” he said.Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:“MORE GOOSE.”After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.
ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”Navy leaders disagreed.“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.
WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit.McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap.“Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator.Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously.“He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.”McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing.A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes.“We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.”Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett.A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues.The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill.Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately.“You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said.Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service.Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill.“But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.”Daniels paused.“Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.”Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel.A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard.McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting.Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd
THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months.“The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.”Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock.“Both have advantages,” he said.The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures.White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building.“The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.”Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed.“He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.”Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department.“He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed Starship Troopers showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.”The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army.The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity.“Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.”
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A MAN looking at photos of Prince Harry at a Ukraine gala and Prince William at a charity ball cannot for the life of him tell which is the genuine working Royal. Julian Cook of Ludlow knows full well that Prince William is the heir to the throne, beloved of his people and would never betray the monarchy like his apostate brother, but was disconcerted at how little substantive difference there was between the two. He said: “Harry made a surprise appearance in black tie at the United For Freedom event at the Imperial War Museum. Meanwhile William appeared virtually at the Bowelbabe Fund Rebel Ball. The only difference I can tell is Harry actually turned up. “In terms of bringing vital attention to their causes, raising funds to help others and using their celebrity for good, they seem identical. And looking at pictures you can’t actually see any difference at all. In fact Harry looks more Royal because he’s in a tux. “We can’t continue like this as a nation, unable to tell which is the genuine working Royal blessing us with their saintly presence and which is a rogue Royal only doing it for their own self-serving ends. “I suggest Harry should have to wear a placard saying ‘unclean’ and ring a bell and his wife should be tarred and feathered. That should eliminate any confusion.” Prince William said: “I fully back this decision. And I’d actually come along to see it happen. Physically, not just a pre-record.”
THE BBC has sarcastically laid into Richard E Grant for ruining their only show that people actually watch. Having trashed the premise of The Celebrity Traitors within minutes by blowing his cover, Richard E Grant has been torn a new one by the BBC for spoiling their one and only programme the public genuinely enjoys. The BBC said: “There goes months of hype and speculation down the toilet, and we were barely an episode in. Cheers for that. “We needed this. With Doctor Who off the air and Josh Widdicombe repelling audiences on Strictly, a bunch of celebs and King Kenny dicking about in a castle was all we had. Until you came along with your four-dimensional chess bullshit. “You could’ve laughed off your revelation as a dumb joke, but no, you tripled down on it with your posho laugh. Pity the poor editors who somehow have to make the next round table look suspenseful as everyone goes ‘it’s obviously Richard’. “Any bright ideas on how we can salvage this? Actually, forget it. You’ll probably suggest we put on a repeat of The Good Life or blow up Broadcasting House.”
A TEENAGER has been charged with attempting to shag a Shetland pony near Huddersfield. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a Gen Z dating trend, because the following will happen: A deluge of slang Expect baffling new Gen Z terms for bestiality, such as ‘fazzing’, meaning ‘dating a sheep’. There will also be confusion as familiar words get new meanings, especially for older people with younger colleagues. How were you to know ‘camping’ now means fellating an ape? You’ll feel ancient for never having had sex with a cow Middle-aged people understandably feel past it and envious if Gen Z appear to be having more sex than they did, and with an estimated 20 quintillion animals on Earth, that’s a lot of potential shags. You could always try bestiality yourself, but you’re worried you might look like a creepy old pervert hitting on much younger heifers. Animal situationships Gen Z are supposedly into semi-casual ‘situationships’ so they might do the same with their animal shag buddies. In a sense this is a good thing, as a golden retriever will never demand you go exclusive. Although they will insist you throw that stick again. Endless articles about it The media loves obsessing over Gen Z trends, no matter how tragic. You won’t be able to escape articles in the Mail about sheep ticks being the new chlamydia among feckless young people. The Guardian will be cringingly liberal, advising readers that it’s okay for their teenage son’s Shetland pony girlfriend to stay the night, and they should remove anything potentially offensive to an equine, such as bottles of glue. Pop stars will get in on the trend Any artist who can really speak to young people about shagging fauna is looking at chart success. Drake is a Gen Z favourite who’s all about showing your feelings and admitting to vulnerability, so he could easily have a mega-hit with, say, Topsy’s Hutch, a moving track about his painful break-up with an Angora rabbit. TikTok will be even more unwatchable Gen Z bestialists will flood TikTok with inane animal relationship content, such as ‘Top 5 anime costumes my otter boyfriend loves’. You will both feel that humanity has reached a dead end and watch two hours of it. New animal-based dating problems Gen Z are at the forefront of tedious dating problems like ghosting and breadcrumbing, so there’ll be a host of new ones such as your partner leaving her manky chew toys in the bed or him not texting when he’s out all night catching mice. Older people will despair, and wonder why they can’t just meet someone the normal way, ie get pissed together and see if she invites you back to her kennel.
IN brand new loved-up relationships there are plenty of events that can be turned into soppy pseudo-anniversaries. Try not to gag at these. The first time our eyes met Most couples know roughly when they first met, but nauseating couples go a step further and celebrate the first time they saw each other. This can be regurgitated to anyone who’ll listen, with minor details of how their gaze locked and there was – guess what? – an instant connection. They still feel the same a magical three months to the day later. It truly is a miracle. Our first date New couples believe the first time they went to the cinema to watch a Marvel spin-off should be celebrated on a month-by-month basis and will badger friends to recognise this important anniversary on social media. They might even break the self-indulgence down further into weeks and days. This can’t be sustained, and may even contribute to the coming break-up because it’s f**king tedious. Our first kiss Not necessarily celebrated on the same day as the first date, as that will have been occupied by eagerly finding out mundane facts about each other. Or it may be the first genuinely passionate kiss that occurred when they realised their deep connection, blah blah blah. You may wish to reconsider your friendship with this couple if they then subject you to an awkward reenactment. The night we talked until sunrise A night where you made yourselves ill through lack of sleep from talking shite for hours is a milestone for sickening couples. This deep talk is a romanticised event where one partner waffled on for hours and the other was secretly hoping they could get some kip soon, while feeling increasingly twitchy and unwell. Ironically, they will also bore you with stories about all the times they ‘didn’t need words’. The day we became a couple Like gender reveals and marriage proposals, the asking of a partner to become a couple has to be celebrated, and thankfully the rise of social media makes it much easier to self-publicise. If the relationship continues you can expect more posts about engagement and marriage, all with their own anniversaries that require an unenthusiastic ‘like’ or heart emoji before you immediately get back to what you were doing. The first time we made love Too much detail, and therefore an anniversary ideal for sharing. They definitely won’t be able to resist if it happened to be somewhere memorable like Glastonbury or under the stars in the Maldives, but it may simply have been in a bed on a random day. You might however be spared being told about it if this super-romantic first coupling took place in a pub toilet or a Kia Rio.
Reform UK-er Suella Braverman was on Question Time on Thursday and went viral for a variety of reasons, one of which was this moment when the Tory turncoat accused the audience of being biased against her. It prompted quite the look from Fiona Bruce who was having absolutely none of her nonsense, and it was […] The Poke.
It’s not our habit to say “Friyay!”, any more than we’re tempted to plan the holibobs or talk about our fur babies. No judgement if you do – we’re not the word police. But we’re not too proud to admit that a little whisper of Friyay almost leaked out when we realised this interminable week […] The Poke.
Ross Kemp is best known for two things – playing the violent and troubled Grant Mitchell on Eastenders, and making documentaries about real-life violent and troubled people involved in crime. He’s one person you’d think would have no trouble keeping a calm head under the stress of – for example – being a Faithful on […] The Poke.
Donald Trump sat down with Time to give a wide-ranging interview, in which they asked him about AI, his alterations to the White House, the upcoming midterm elections, and the economy, to name just a few topics. His responses were erratic, and he either didn’t hear or couldn’t understand some of the points put to […] The Poke.
This week’s Question Time was a lively one, with Reform’s Suella Braverman going on the offensive from the start. She tried to suggest that the audience were biased against her, and got put in her place by Fiona Bruce. Suella Braverman is fact checked live on #bbcqt by Fiona Bruce. pic.twitter.com/I90w7M3t8v — Mike H (@mikoh123) […] The Poke.
Last updated: 2026-10-02T12:32:05+02:00
