The Onion
Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself
SAN JOSE, CA—With his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. “So you’re telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own?” said the toddler’s mom, Sandra, furrowing her brow while retrieving a red plastic triceratops from behind the smashed LCD. “And this toy dinosaur—your favorite toy dinosaur, which we’ve repeatedly warned you not to throw inside the house—was already under a pile of broken glass when you got here? Hmm. That’s interesting. Very interesting. It’s just that your father and I have never heard of a TV destroying itself like that before. Have you? It doesn’t seem like something that happens very often.” At press time, a terrified Timmy was struggling to articulate how the carpet had doused itself in pee.
The Onion.
Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations
ST. LOUIS—Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. “We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and socialize with tavern wenches,” said lead researcher Michael Kempe, noting that the study’s conclusions also align with a recent downswing in attendance at jousting matches. “Over the years there has been, for some reason, a noticeable reduction in quaffing a goat’s horn overflowing with mead after vanquishing a beast. Perhaps with marijuana use and vaping on the rise, it’s natural to see the market for crude, sickly sweet fermented beverages shrink. In addition, Gen Z seems to be more frugal when it comes to indulgences like tossing a coin to a lyre player to regale one’s fellow bannermen with a jaunty ballad.” Kempe added that due to the increased dominance of the internet, there was also a steady downtick in youths passing down long poems through oral tradition.
The Onion.
Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arby’s Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers
WASHINGTON—Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby’s menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nation’s meat lovers. “French Dip Royale, Classic Beef ’N Cheddar, Double Beef ’N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef ’N Cheddar—that’s from the Arby’s slow roasted beef menu, items one through four,” the commander-in-chief said while a retinue of Arby’s executives stood behind him with their eyes closed and their hands clasped in prayer. “This is my favorite: Arby’s value menu, item two—ham slider. I love ham sliders. Don’t we love ham sliders, America? I read this passage every night before I go to sleep. It’s calming.” At press time, Trump’s approval rating had skyrocketed by 30 points.
The Onion.
What To Know About Tariff Refunds
Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trump’s tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Here’s what you need to know about tariff refunds.
Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trump’s tariffs?
A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan.
Q: How does a business qualify for a refund?
A: They find a hair in their imported steel.
Q: Will consumers see any money from this?
A: Serious questions only, please.
Q: As a small business owner, how do I apply?
A: The Trump administration has created a dedicated new website specifically for losing your application.
Q: Will this lower retail prices?
A: Kroger executives have—shall we say—become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Q: How long will the refund process take?
A: Until everyone forgets about it.
The Onion.
Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party
LGBTQ dating app Grindr will host its first-ever White House Correspondents dinner party on Friday night before the event. What do you think?
“Finally, a chance to hobnob with the poppers lobbyists.”
Curtis Lucero, Drink Freshener
“Gay people eat dinner?”
Tamara Hunt, Carousel Operator
“Thanks, but I’m looking for a more discreet gala”
Mason Solis, Systems Analyst
The Onion.
ClickHole
A True God Complex: President Trump Just Posted An AI-Generated Photo Of Himself Winning An Oscar For Best Sound Design For ‘Sinners’
Just when you thought President Trump couldn’t be more of an egomaniac, he comes out and does something as sickeningly narcissistic and deluded as this: President Trump just posted an AI-generated photo of himself winning an Oscar for Best Sound Design for Sinners.
Seriously, President Trump?! ‘Egomaniac’ doesn’t even begin to describe this guy.
Despite the widespread backlash he recently saw for posting an AI-made image of himself as Jesus Christ on Truth Social, President Trump’s megalomania has turned to AI for another recklessly conceited tribute to himself – this time, winning an Academy Award for Best Sound Design for Ryan Coogler’s Sinners, a film that President Trump absolutely did not do the sound design for and that wasn’t even nominated in this category to begin with.
When White House Press asked the President clarify his intent by posting this gen-AI image claiming a fictional cinematic achievement, President Trump responded by claiming that “the Fake News Media is just angry that Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, JD Vance, and Rosie O’Donnell were also nominated for a Best Sound Design Oscar but lost to [Trump].”
“Joe Biden did a horrible job designing The Wild Robot’s sound, I had to mute the movie to finish it – and I know for a fact his aides had to do it all for him, everyone knows that,” claimed President Trump. “Biden has no clue what he’s doing in Avid Pro Tools. He doesn’t know the first thing about using SFX to aid visual transitions, and he has no business even trying. While Sinners is horrible D.E.I. garbage, it is the best sounding film of all time, and that’s because Trump knows EQ-ing, layering, and how to mix dialogue better than anyone in Hollywood history.”
President Trump’s comfort with posting vainglorious misinformation is deeply concerning, especially seeing how quick his followers were to defend Trump’s Sound Design Oscar as genuine. Hours after the gen-AI photo was posted on Truth Social, Dune: Part Two’s sound design team, who actually won the award this year, was reportedly doxxed and swatted by MAGA extremists.
Trump’s self-confidence is as unearned as his gen-AI Oscar for Sinners’ Sound Design. No one on Earth is more full of themselves!
It’s truly getting more embarrassing to be an American every day. Our President is using AI to lie about winning Academy Award production categories, while everyday people are struggling to keep afloat. Clearly, stroking his own ego is a bigger priority than serving the people. Just awful.
This Bathroom Graffiti Of A Vagina May Be A Bit Crude, But It’s Better Than Having To Masturbate To A Blank Stall Wall
Take a look at this graffiti of a vagina that someone hastily scrawled on the stall door of a Poughkeepsie, NY rest stop men’s bathroom.
What do you notice?
Not the most technically accomplished representation of a vagina, perhaps? Maybe that it appears to have been drawn by someone with limited knowledge of a woman’s anatomy?
Well, while the drawing may be a bit crude, masturbating to it is certainly better than having to masturbate to a blank stall wall.
This is a classic “beggars can’t be choosers” scenario. And when many people are put into situations like this one, they freeze up and don’t masturbate at all.
It’s scenarios like this that separate the dreamers from the doers.
Let’s break it down: In this bathroom stall you have very limited masturbation opportunities. Doing it to a crass, juvenile drawing of a vagina may not be ideal, but it’s still going to be a lot easier to get your nut out focusing on that than focusing on the nearly-empty toilet paper dispenser on the wall next to you or the poorly laid tile beneath your feet. Sure, the chrome stall door latch kind of looks like a face, and you could squint and pretend it was a beautiful woman, but in a bathroom as stinky as this, efficiency is important.
Have you heard the saying, “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”? Sure, we all have. But it’s time to start actually applying it.
You can sit here all day hoping that someone will come along and paint a more realistic vagina on your bathroom stall. You can punch the stall door in frustration that this vagina looks so crappy. You can get some toilet paper wet and try to form it into a pair of breasts.
Or you can just accept reality and start taking care of business.
Sign Of The Times: This Baby’s First Words Were ‘Vaccinate Me’
If you wanted an indication of just how contentious the culture wars surrounding vaccinations have become, this story should help you understand exactly how this hot-button issue is currently tearing our society apart at the seams: This baby’s first words were “vaccinate me.”
Wow. This is an absolutely undeniable sign of the times.
Ten-month-old Walker Andrews was playing with his parents earlier this week when the babbling infant suddenly turned to his mother and happily blurted out “vaccinate me,” the first recognizable words the infant had ever said. Though Walker is by all accounts a normal, healthy American baby, it’s a sad commentary on the state of our nation that the very first thing he did upon acquiring the ability to speak was to demand a cocktail of immunizations. He’s basically dragged his parents into one of the most polarizing controversies currently gripping American society.
“I guess he’s always preferred watching YouTube videos about mumps and polio inoculations to watching ‘Sesame Street’ and ‘Peppa Pig,’” said Walker’s mother Brianna as she watched her son jab himself in the arm with a plastic syringe. “When he was around six months old he was always pointing at needles, and he would clap his hands and laugh every time we drove past a CVS, so I guess we should have realized he was one of those babies who are really into vaccines.”
For the past several days, Walker has been happily crawling around shouting “vaccinate me” at every person he sees. His parents say that for the past few nights he’s lain awake in his crib babbling the phrase to himself over and over.
We’re going to just be honest here: There’s never been a clearer signal that the great debate over vaccines has reached a moment of crisis
While “vaccinate me” is still the only phrase Walker says with any frequency, Brianna says that Walker has recently also said the phrases “innoculate Walker” and “Jab jab jab.” His father, Brian, also reported that yesterday morning he was changing his son’s diaper when the infant blurted out, “I don’t care if I become autistic,” a sure sign that Walker finds the current flame wars over the alleged side effects of vaccinations to be completely irrelevant. This is a baby who wants to be immunized no matter what.
Absolutely fascinating. While the debate over vaccines continues to rage, experts say it’s likely that we’ll start seeing many more children demanding shots at an increasingly early age. Our society is going to have to figure out what to do with a new population of infants who are ready to weigh in on the controversy.
The Price Of Hubris: This Kid’s Crayola Marker Sword Has Broken Into Pieces After He Recklessly Added A Seventh Marker
One first-grade student just learned the hard way that unchecked ambition can lead people to total ruin: This kid’s Crayola marker sword has broken into pieces after he recklessly added a seventh marker.
It might be devastating, but this is the price you pay for hubris.
When seven-year-old Crispin Oakes first started building a sword out of Crayola markers during a free-draw period at school, he had modest and humble intentions. All he wanted to do was build a small weapon he could swing around while pretending to fight zombies and to smack his friend Liam. Sadly, Crispin quickly realized that the more markers he attached to his sword, the bigger and more powerful the sword became, and what started as a three-marker weapon quickly became a five- and then six-marker weapon. This made his marker sword the longest and most powerful in the history of his school, and he was able to smack Liam from all the way across the art table.
But that wasn’t enough for Crispin. He didn’t just want power—he wanted absolute power. He wanted to wield a weapon made of more markers than anyone had ever thought possible. And therein lay the seeds of his ultimate undoing.
“I was watching Crispin smack Liam and I remember thinking, ‘This is the longest marker sword I’ve ever seen,’” says Crispin’s teacher, Meredith Osgood, who says she witnessed her student’s downfall with a mix of revulsion and fascination. “Then when he went for the seventh marker I was like, ‘That fucker’s gone completely insane.’ Next thing I know the whole sword is disintegrating and the little wannabe God-child is on his knees surrounded by the shards of his shattered weapon.”
As soon as he attached the seventh marker to his sword, the entire weapon began to wobble. Liam started shouting to Crispin that the sword was going to break, and soon all the kids in his class were shouting at Crispin that his marker sword had become too large, but by this point Crispin had gone completely mad with power and was fully insensate to all appeals to reason and humanity. Instead of heeding the warnings from his classmates he just kept swinging the massive sword at pretend zombies, and occasionally at Liam. Within seconds, the entire sword gave one final wobble and crumbled into chunks that splintered into individual markers as they hit the ground, leaving Crispin holding a single marker.
Now Crispin is on his hands and knees, desperately trying to collect the markers while Liam gets his revenge by smacking him with a sensible and structurally sound three-marker sword. Fate has dealt Crispin a cruel blow, but in light of his brazen hubris, one can only consider it to be justice. Let this be a lesson to all would-be tyrants who seek unlimited power and unparalleled weaponry: Nobody needs a sword that is longer than four markers long to fight imaginary zombies and smack their friends. Anything longer is an abomination born from pure egotism, and can only lead you to destruction.
Somewhat Concerning: Your Doctor Has An ‘@Pornhub’ Email Address
If you thought you’d make it through the day without feeling somewhat concerned, we have bad news, because your doctor has an “@pornhub.com” email address, which is definitely somewhat concerning.
After a routine physical, you received an email with the subject “Mulligan Medical – Your Recent Visit,” but when you opened the email, you saw that it came from your doctor’s name @pornhub.com. Although this immediately made you wonder if the email was spam, the fact that it contained an entirely accurate summary of your appointment, coupled with an unbroken link back to the website of your doctor’s office, proves it’s definitely a legit email, just from a really odd domain.
PornHub doesn’t even offer email, as far as we know.
This brings up several possibilities. One is that your doctor also works at PornHub, which, whether it’s as an actor or on the editorial side, is just upsetting because a doctor should definitely only need one job to make ends meet, even in today’s economy. Another possibility is that the doctor was given the domain because they’re the official doctor of PornHub, but even then it’s like, why not have an email domain representing your actual medical practice, and just say in your signature that you’re also the official doctor of PornHub if that’s important to you?
Look, no judgment. Your doctor was kind and courteous, and let you ask your questions without rushing you out of the office. This is just definitely somewhat concerning.
Duffel Blog
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade
WASHINGTON — Iran has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to block any American blockade of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all.“Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!”At a press conference, President Trump angrily dismissed the announcement.“Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.”He added: “We’ve completely defeated Iran. Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.”Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran."Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, quoting the book of Tarantino. "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass."
Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth.At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected.However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself."The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a lot of SEALs are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities."According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's pre-press briefing martinis," but the administration is keeping its options open."President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said.Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, murky strategy, erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations.“If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?”🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun.
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
Support military children. One of them is making decisions.
The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
Daily Mash
Coffee brand debating whether to promote ethics or Satanism
A COFFEE chain is assessing whether customers would prefer to support ethical causes or the pure evil of the dark lord Satan.
The company Napoli Deliziosa is unsure whether sales would be boosted by customers being able to show off social justice logos on their coffee cups, or if they would prefer disturbing occult symbols suggesting an interest in Devil worship and possibly human sacrifice.
CEO Jack Browne said: “Helping reformed prisoners or destitute farmers in Kenya is a good thing to do. But on the other hand, pledging your allegiance to Lucifer is quite ‘edgy’ and marketable.
“We really want to get influencers on board to help us sell cheap dad caps and other junk, so we need cool logos everywhere, not just the boring Fairtrade one. And people go mad for pentagrams.
“Virality is key to brand marketing, and green stuff like sustainability is good for that. But would it increase revenues more to have shocking pull-quotes from Anton LaVey on the walls? ‘Release your hatred towards those who deserve it’ is a favourite of mine.
“Obviously good coffee is our aim, but modern customers don’t care about that and just want to feel part of some trendy philosophy. Also it will be piss-easy to make our blueberry muffins totally black with food dye.
“I’m feeling a goat-headed demon burning busty virgins is definitely more striking than an abundant tree. Let’s go for that.”
Frisbee, picnic rug, disposable barbecue: Six land-grabbing methods used by bastards in the park
OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods:
Frisbee
Friends tossing a frisbee to each other is an iconic summer image. Only no one can enjoy the park because their erratic hurling and mindless labrador-like chasing puts park space off-limits unless you want to be trampled or twatted by an out-of-control Tupperware saucer. If you want to throw something, try yourselves into the boating lake.
Picnic rug
You’ve seen a nice spot of grass to sit on, but an extended family of professional picnickers suddenly spreads out the Bayeux Tapestry of rugs for an extravagant open-air banquet. With hampers, cool boxes, folding furniture and a gazebo encircling the feast, half an acre of parkland has been annexed. Why not plant a f**king flag and claim sovereignty, your majesties?
Disposable barbecue
On a nice day it’s refreshing to inhale the warm invigorating air, unless a crew of carnivores plant their stinking foil fire-pit next to you. Soon everyone nearby will be driven away by the stench of smoke, grease and charred, minced pig bollocks. And the only way to remove the odour is rubbing yourselves down with the Magic Tree from the car.
Sporting equipment
The easiest way for bastards to ringfence parkland for their own selfish needs is to hoof a football around. As makeshift goalposts are put in place, parkgoers will automatically begin protecting open cans, bottles and children. This also works with rounders, cricket and the magic-free version of Quidditch Harry Potter fans have invented, because when you’re into children’s books aged 35 presumably you are beyond embarrassment.
Kite
As well as being fun until you get sick of relaunching the damn thing every 30 seconds, a kite has the bonus of attracting attention to yourself as other people stare nervously in anticipation of being divebombed by a huge cellophane flying-V or a picture of the Hulk on massive struts. Delightful in theory, in practice a more effective people-scatterer than a Stuka.
Anything from the middle aisle
Many twatty middle-aisle toys help bastards carve out a large slice of ego territory. Remote-control cars, water blasters, boomerangs and drones are particularly suitable for making others lose enjoyment of the park. Although the most effective tactic is still parading into green space with multiple special-offer boxes of Stella Artois and Bluetooth speakers, soon to be followed by frequently wandering off to piss nearby. Job done.
It’s over for Starmer, declares media without explaining how
THE media has stated that Keir Starmer’s time as prime minister is over, but without explaining exactly why or how that is to happen.
Journalists are unanimous in their belief that the UK will shortly have a new leader without bothering to explain who will depose the current one or who his replacement will be.
Columnist Thomas Logan said: “He’s lost the public. He’s lost the member for Hartlepool. One of his cabinet has anonymously briefed something slightly disparaging. And you doubt it’s over?
“Yes, there remain some questions. Why has he got to go, given that Olly Robbins backed up his whole story? Who’s going to do it, given that only 0.25 per cent of his MPs want him to? Are we in the media not getting a bit overexcited?
“The answers to which are: not sure, that isn’t really clear, and absolutely not. And if you doubt that last one, check with any of my colleagues.”
Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Thing is, we’ve seen three prime ministers deposed in the last decade and every time it’s been f**king obvious. Unable to pass legislation, party in open revolt, successors jostling for their role, all that shit.
“We haven’t got any of that, the reason he has to go has changed since Monday, and he’s got a massive majority. I’m just not quite seeing it. Still, I feel like Iran’s going badly when Trump assures me he’s won in every way possible, so what would I know?”
Connoisseur dad searching out only the finest AI bullshit internet can offer
A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.
The viewing habits of 58-year-old Roy Hobbs are so finely attuned that he only seeks out worthwhile content like the Queen riding a dragon and trailers showing what Star Wars would look like if it came out in the 1950s.
Hobbs said: “That convincing Antiques Roadshow parody with the Victorian butt plug was too lowbrow for me. I refuse to watch anything except the highest quality brain rot.
“I need to see what it would look like if Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon were still alive today, and disco-dancing down a street. Even better if there’s a robotic voice that almost sounds like a human woman narrating. So long as it stops me thinking, it gets a thumbs up.
“It might sound snobbish, but every medium needs its respected critics. In time I expect I’ll be regarded as the Mark Kermode of boomer slop, and filmmakers will pore over the poorly-spelled reviews I leave in the comments.
“Finding this shit is hard work though. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve lost scrolling through clips on public transport with my phone’s speakers turned up to maximum.”
Hobbs’ son Tom said: “He’s just a contrarian. If I’d said those clips were made by David Lynch he’d call it pretentious arthouse bollocks.”
Led Zeppelin respect groupies as equals: Music history sanitised like the new Michael Jackson film
CRITICS have slammed the biopic Michael for omitting the sexual abuse he was accused of. So what other changes might be made to music films to avoid upsetting audiences?
Kurt Cobain uses a nerf gun
Kurt’s death is too upsetting in its real form. Instead he raises the shotgun, pulls the trigger and a foam rubber projectile bounces harmlessly off his chin. He and Courtney enjoy a pleasant, completely alive evening together, and there are no distraught audiences who might put other people off paying to see the film.
Led Zeppelin respect groupies as equals
The exact details are disputed, but it seems a Zep groupie enjoyed some fish-based bondage masturbation with members of the band present. In any biopic it will be substituted with Robert Plant et al hosting a feminist workshop for groupies, who leave with signed copies of The Second Sex rather than fish scales in their fannies.
L7 mistook a tampon for a mouse
In the inoffensive version of the L7 story, lead singer Donita Sparks sees a small mouse’s tail in her pants at the 1992 Reading Festival. Understandably terrified because she’s a girl, she hurls the rodent into the audience, only then realising it is a used tampon. The fact that she shouted ‘Eat my used tampon, f**kers!’ will not be included, and men who are uncomfortable with periods will be spared permanent trauma.
Elvis stops existing in 1970
Elvis’s obese, drugged-up wanker phase is not going to shift many soundtrack albums, so the film will simply freeze on a triumphant live performance of Suspicious Minds in 1970. Yes, it will be a f**king insult to anyone vaguely aware of history, but that didn’t do Braveheart any harm. Or The Patriot, which somehow manages to be worse.
Eric Clapton was at an Enid Blyton convention
Modern audiences are not going to like the guy who did Layla and Wonderful Tonight saying ‘get the wogs out’. Unless he’s at a 1976 Enid Blyton Convention and he’s merely impatient to see fellow fans cosplaying his favourite characters, the naughty golliwogs. Implausible? Yes, but not much more than claiming being a pisshead makes you into a card-carrying Enoch fan.
Happy Mondays were tiresome wellness fanatics
The only substance the Mondays abused was camomile and lavender tea, according to this bowdlerised biopic in which Shaun et al are drippy clean-living buffs droning on about the antioxidant properties of ginseng extract. The director will probably still want to show the bust-ups and fights, though, so Shaun can twat his brother Paul for borrowing his yoga mat.
John Lennon was wearing body armour
A tragic incident that can be avoided with a movie trope. As Mark Chapman runs off, Lennon gets up revealing a heavy, pockmarked bulletproof vest while quipping: ‘Didn’t think of that, did ya, soft lad?’ This obviously presents a problem with Lennon’s subsequent life, but that can be fudged with a post-credits scene showing him happily doing a frog voice for Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together.
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This minute-long clip of RFK Jr. breathing closely into his senate hearing mic inspired some of Twitter’s funniest work in years
If you’ve been waiting for RFK Jr. ASMR, have we got a treat for you. The man who’s voice sounds like a gargling garbage disposal was caught on a hot mic during his senate hearing. It appears just breathing for the head of HHS was enough to cut through the question being asked in this […]
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Karoline Leavitt blamed Joe Biden for a discount airline facing bankruptcy and these 15 comebacks were simply business class
When it comes to blaming other people for their problems, nobody does it better than the current White House. The most recent scapegoating moment came from Karoline Leavitt. The US Press Secretary was asked about bailing out fledgling Spirit Airlines which currently faces the very real threat of bankruptcy and is turning to the Trump […]
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RFK Jr reckons AI can cure dog cancer and the illogical conclusion he drew from this had people worried sick
The health of the American people is in the hands of a deranged conspiracy theorist. It’s dangerous for so many reasons it’s hard to keep track which one is the most detrimental to the public’s survival. In a normal world, when the head of Health and Human Services shows up for a hearing to defend […]
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Karoline Leavitt put on her bravest face after she was asked about Iran’s relentless mockery of Donald Trump and absolutely no-one was buying it
The United States Press Secretary is supposed to be a conduit between the President and the American people. The role requires a deft communicator who can share the most important policies of the Oval Office. Prove that the Commander in Chief has the best interests of the American people in mind with every crucial decision. […]
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This 20-point guide why English is so hard to learn just went viral for reasons which will presumably become obvious
How hard it is to learn English? This hard, if this 20-point guide that just went viral on Twitter is any fink to go by. It was posted by @simongerman600, who was born in Germany but now lives in Melbourne, Australia and, well, best have a read for yourself. As a non-native English speaker I […]
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