The Onion
Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think?
“My money’s on the firing squad.”
Steve Ovidiu, Fluid Technician
“I hope they include an on-camera sign-language interpreter.”
Josephine Crespo, Apartment Squatter
“No way is this administration capable of setting up a working livestream.”
Willem Brydon, Unemployed
The Onion.
White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted hyena with its jaws dug into the right buttock of the president and not on our historically prosperous economy,” said assistant press secretary Beni Rae Harmony, adding that there was sadly no accomplishment impressive enough to stop the media from running footage of the animal that had gnawed through the rear pocket of Trump’s suit pants and latched onto the flesh underneath. “Besides, this hyena is obviously just a juvenile that probably doesn’t weigh more than 80 pounds and lacks the mandible strength of a fully grown adult—but you won’t hear that in all the fake news headlines, let alone how tariffs have brought down prices across the country.” At press time, access to Trump had been cut off except for those media outlets that agreed not to mention that the president was now partially digested by a reticulated python.
The Onion.
Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual
GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate,” said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the firm had tried setting up with their single friends the entire four months he worked there. “Alexander was a hoot—he had all us gals in stitches. He always smelled like lavender, and we used to tease him because he used an emery board to keep his nails short. Apparently one of the attorneys saw Alexander at a bar sharing a booth with another man, except Alexander and the man were sitting on the same side of the booth. The next Monday, his desk was empty, and I never saw him again.” Fuller acknowledged that she immediately knew something was different about Alexander because he never grabbed her ass or breasts the way her other male coworkers did.
The Onion.
FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity
WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday. “Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless of how full you are, will be considered an attack against the U.S. government,” said Patel, adding that violators who committed treason by filling up on sides or dismissing the last bites as “all bread” would face up to 20 years in jail and fines of up to $10,000. “Already, we have compiled a list of criminals who have left stray pieces of pickle or ground beef on their paper plates, or secretly picked off their grilled onions and attempted to hide the remains in a napkin. And to anyone who discarded a perfectly good bun only to wrap their burger in lettuce and eat it ‘paleo style’? Not even the death penalty is harsh enough.” Patel went on to state that if the unfinished burger was anything less than a double, the offender would be referred to the Department of Homeland Security for deportation.
The Onion.
What To Know About ‘The Social Reckoning’
Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network, follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel.
Q: Who’s the writer and director?
A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately, Aaron Sorkin.
Q: What’s it about?
A: As fans will recall, Eduardo sacrificed himself at the end of the first film to save the Tree of Harvard from the WinkleLords, but this film follows his now-grown children as they search for the remaining Meta Crystals.
Q: How did Jeremy Strong prepare to play Mark Zuckerberg?
A: He spent months learning how to give thousands of teen girls eating disorders.
Q: Who is Frances Haugen, the character played by Mikey Madison?
A: The Facebook data engineer who leaked the FarmVille hack for infinite wheat.
Q: Why didn’t Jesse Eisenberg return?
A: He got his shirt sleeve caught in a door jamb.
Q: Does the film portray Mark Zuckerberg as a bad person?
A: No, the film doesn’t portray Zuckerberg as having any person-like qualities whatsoever.
Q: Could The Social Reckoning bring about any societal good?
A: If we’re lucky, we’ll get another Jeremy Allen White Calvin Klein ad.
The Onion.
ClickHole
Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’
Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.”
Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment!
This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.
“Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.”
Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic!
Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!
Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program
In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.
It’s about time!
Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time.
Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.”
For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.
Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids
Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.
LOL! Good fucking luck with that one!
During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.”
Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.
As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.
She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.
Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting.
Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.
But seriously…Good fucking luck.
One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem
Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible.
Wow.
For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.
Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.
But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail.
So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.
Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.
Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?!
If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!
I Found A Human Breast In The Trash! (By Leonardo DiCaprio)
OK. Breathe. Just breathe, Leo.
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Guys, this is fucking insane.
You are never going to believe this. Fuck. OK, so I was just at my lawyer’s office in Topanga and I went to the bathroom. Mostly a number one. Anyway, so…while I’m in there I accidentally drop my wallet into the trash, so I reach in to get it out and start rifling around in there, and my hand feels something soft, warm, and unmistakably sexy down at the bottom of the trash bin.
So I bring it up to the top thinking OK, this is going to be a human knee or something, there’s no way it’s going to be a human breast. Maybe just a big wad. But then I saw it.
A complete human breast, in nearly PERFECT condition!
Guys, I was so motherfucking excited that I left my lawyer’s without my wallet or my keys or even meeting with him. I was just like, “Seeya, Keith!” I got into my car and the alarm started going off and I was honking and waving at everyone I saw, yelling, “Leo found a breast! A human breast for Leo! Arnie Grape himself has found the ultimate treasure!” The whole goddamned world seemed to be SO happy for me, everyone was honking back and waving and doing a “breast cupping” gesture at me and everything was right in Topanga.
My heart is still shaking.
I called up Jimmy Kimmel and I SCREECHED into my telephone, “Jimmy, can I bring my breast on your show tonight?! It’s human!!!!!” I guess I was so excited that I forgot to get him caught up on the entire story, but it didn’t matter. He invited me onto the show anyway and I got to show his audience the human breast that I found and they all applauded and yelled out their suggestions for how to preserve it and keep it fresh and no one tried to take my human breast away from me and everyone respected me for what I had achieved. And Brad Pitt was on the show too and he said it was really cool that I found the breast like that and he asked if he could hold it and it was just a really cool experience.
It was the best night of my life and this is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.
I’m on my way to Whole Foods now to get a jar and some vinegar so I can carefully preserve my human breast and I’ll probably have some vinegar left over which will definitely come in handy for cleaning and recipes, a really nice thing to have around the house so that’s just another really great thing that happened recently. But the main thing is the human breast that I found in the trash, NO bites on it at all, NO odor, ONE nipple…there are some paper towels stuck to it but in my opinion that just helps tell the story of how I found this human breast and the backstory of where it came from.
I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever come down off this high.
Duffel Blog
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke
SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.
Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army
THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
Daily Mash
How your shitty little town can host its own Oktoberfest
EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead:
Find suitable locations
In Munich, the festival occupies every park with hundreds of benches and marquees hosting seven million a year. In your town? There’s Lidl car park and the primary school’s sports field which will be free over half-term. Hire the latter, but do not be persuaded to give free drinks to teachers. You have no conception of how much teachers drink.
Get permission
To serve alcohol a license must be obtained from the local council, and law enforcement informed. Clear both in advance with an evening buying G&Ts at the local golf club. Though you may struggle to get approval from the parish council after a previous dispute over planning permission concluded with you keying the leader’s car.
Contact breweries
No Oktoberfest can take place without enormous quantities of warm, pissy beer, just as the Germans like it. Ignore local microbreweries and their homebrewed turnip IPAs and go straight to the source: a brewing giant willing to sell you whatever gassy lager isn’t even good enough to be sold as Aldi’s Galahad brand.
Source stodge
The Bavarian palate is not a refined one, so the food provided needs only to be able to absorb alcohol. Meat, potatoes and stale bread will pretty much cover it. Partner up with a local prison and ask which meal is best for sending convicts into a stupefied coma, and serve large portions of that. Constipation saves on Portaloos.
Recruit staff
Oktoberfest waitresses take ten per cent of the beer they sell, are blonde, heavily built enough to carry 30 steins at once and have big boobs. Pop by any local rugby club and ask who’s up for dressing as women in pigtails and braided crowns. All will volunteer; pick those you consider sexy. No judgement.
Provide entertainment
Presuming your village isn’t harbouring a secret Nazi fugitive and his oompah band, you’ll need music. The X-Factor tryout from the local pub or the Status Quo tribute act may be too classy. Instead stream classic German hits 99 Luftballons, Wind of Change and Girl You Know It’s True through a Bluetooth speaker.
Hope it doesn’t piss down
You’ve done your very best to make sitting outside while getting wrecked seem like an exotic activity. All you need now is decent weather so your gathering of pissheads stays put long enough to make money. Also, do watch out for moustached men with monorchism trying to incite drinkers into a fascist revolution. It’s been a problem.
We ask you: What does poor Donald Trump have to do to win the Nobel Peace Prize?
THE Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded, and once again President Trump has been overlooked in favour of a nobody. What does he have to do?
Denys Finch Hatton, cartographer: “He’s already stopped every war except Ukraine, Iran, Sudan and the new Sky One series War starring Dominic West and Sienna Miller. So maybe that last one?”
Sophie Rodriguez, collar starcher: “End World War Two before it happens. Baby Hitler’s waiting, Donald.”
Grace Wood-Morris, turf trader: “I mean Edwin Starr never won it in 1970 despite comprehensively deconstructing the entire concept of warfare, so these Swedes are habitually unjust.”
Norman Steele, chiropractor: “As Vegetius said, if you want peace, prepare for war. A massive troop build-up on the Canadian border should do the trick.”
Julian Cook, junior diplomat: “He should find whoever won it and swap his Fifa Peace Prize for it. After all that’s one of a kind, there’ll never be another.”
We’ll do our talking on the pitch where we enjoy an unfair advantage, say City
And this execution will definitely work, promises US
THE US is to livestream a man’s execution and promises that, unlike certain other recent executions, the victim will definitely die this time.
Testosterone-crazed US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who has never been in a fight, announced yesterday that the execution of mass-shooter Nidal Hasan by firing squad will be available for public viewing and this time they will not screw it up.
Texan death enthusiast Royton Hobbs said: “The US used to lead the world in executions, until Biden. But now, under Trump, we’re going to see a man die right here on my phone.
“The fake news networks may not broadcast it because they’re afraid of real entertainment but the whole country’s watching this guy die and won’t be no getting up and walking away from bullets.
“Okay, it didn’t work with the other lady, there’s no hiding from that. She survived not one but two lethal injections so now she’s in credit and can commit a second murder free.
“But this is Pete Hegseth we’re talking about! The guy behind our incredible success in Iran! No way he’ll mess it up by getting blind drunk, demanding to do the shooting himself, missing and killing the cameraman.”
Liberal New Yorker Donna Sheridan said: “I am predictably shocked and outraged etcetera, but it won’t happen. This is America. When we livestream executions they’ll be pay-per-view.”
Concept of evil Hannah Fry pushes middle-aged men over the edge
THE idea of Hannah Fry being a good girl gone bad has pushed the sexual urges of middle-aged men to breaking point.
The maths professor’s transition from Faithful to Traitor in last night’s episode of The Celebrity Traitors has reduced 6 Music listeners to quivering, horny wrecks who may have to hump out their frustrations on their furniture.
Martin Bishop, 48, said: “I already thought she was the full package. The brains. The beauty. The charm. A hidden dark side is the last thing my comprehensive fantasies needed.
“She’s sexy enough when she’s a nerd who does hard sums. And I never thought watching someone try to banish Joe Lycett or Bella Ramsey from a Scottish castle would turn me on, but here we are.
“Last night she was breathlessly running through a field and smashing some front doors in with a big battering ram. I can only assume the producers knew exactly what they were doing with that sort of imagery.
“God help me if she ditches her colourful jumpers and starts dressing like Sandy at the end of Grease. I think I’d wank myself to death.”
Hannah Fry said: “I am only unfaithful in the context of the show. Please stop cheating on your wives with me.”
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Donald Trump just gave Elon Musk the National Medal of Science and it wasn’t just the timing that sent people scurrying down the rabbit hole
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