Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet, widely known as the keto diet, can cure certain psychiatric conditions including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, citing a Harvard physician “Dr. Pollan” who doesn’t appear to exist. What do you think?

“Same thing God told me.”

Jason Dupont, Steak Tenderizer

---

“Guess that makes this brisket a medical expense.”

Mario Rivera, Ballot Collator

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“Well, he was right about trepanation fixing my reflux.”

Mackenzie Hartmann, Systems Analyst

The post RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In a discovery that increased doubt about the popular diet trend, a study published Thursday by Columbia University researchers found that intermittent fasting was no more effective than conventional eating disorders. “While abstaining from food for several hours has gained far-reaching acceptance in recent years, the evidence suggests that it produces comparable results to any of the many eating disorders already in wide use,” said lead researcher Dr. Harold Morgan, urging those thinking about starting a regimen of scheduling meals to alternate between periods of extreme calorie deficits and non-fasting to consult their doctors about which specific eating disorder was right for them. “As obvious as they might seem, bulimia, anorexia, and orthorexia are the tried-and-true standards for a reason. Periodically abstaining from food might seem easier than binging and purging, but the reality is that what eating disorder you choose isn’t one size fits all and depends entirely on what maladaptive consumption patterns make the most sense for your situation.” Morgan added that, at the end of the day, the right eating disorder is ultimately the one that you can stick with in the long run.

The post Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder appeared first on The Onion.

AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation’s friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. “We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce made us realize just how much we could really use a friend right now,” said 41-year-old Greg Whipple, who spoke on behalf of all former college buddies looking to reconnect after the recent dissolution of their marriages left them with both too much free time and no support system. “We’re going through a rough patch and really need constant validation to fill the void in our newly single lives. We’d love to meet up for a drink—heck, let’s make it a weekly thing. Also, please be aware that texting us something generic like ‘Sorry to hear that!’ will be met with emotional four-paragraph responses from here on out.” The friends added that they knew your marriage was solid, but said if that ever changed, they knew a really great lawyer.

The post Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce appeared first on The Onion.

HARTFORD CITY, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. “Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are perfectly good fries sitting right here on the plate that I could be chewing instead,” said Neel, pouring huge glugs of Pepsi into his mouth in a futile attempt to force the bolus of food down his throat and expedite the eating process. “God, this is such bullshit. I want to eat the fries now! Food should just fall straight into your tummy, like how whales eat. Enough with this chewing nonsense. Fuck!” At press time, witnesses confirmed that a purple-faced Neel was in the process of choking to death after he attempted to swallow a recklessly large mass of partially chewed hamburger in a single desperate gulp.

The post Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food appeared first on The Onion.

MILAN—Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. “Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a look at Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians and didn’t hear you knocking,” Danish skier Christian Borgnæs said as he nudged a box containing various sex toys, ribbed condoms, and leather riding crops under the bed on which, moments earlier, he had been stuffing his penis and fingers into the hungry orifices of four of his fellow Olympians. “Yep, just studying God’s word and discussing how we can glorify Him as athletes. Totally cool if you’re not into this Bible stuff and want to leave us to it. It’s honestly all pretty boring. Close the door behind you?” According to reports, American curler Danny Casper responded by pulling up a book of hymns on his phone and enthusiastically leading the aroused, alkyl-nitrite-addled athletes in a rendition of “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”

The post Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room appeared first on The Onion.

MILANO — One of the world's most infamous supervillains announced plans to unleash years of pent-up frustration on the innocent residents of an unsuspecting American city, as the Joke vowed to take revenge on Gotham City after finishing in 13th place in figure skating at the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics.

TORRANCE, CA — Jeremy Fales, a local marketer for a Fortune 500 company, reportedly had an epiphany on Thursday when he traced his lifelong cocaine addiction back to his childhood love of Fun Dip.

OTTAWA — The international community had reportedly changed its tune on assisted suicide, even going so far as to openly praise Canada following an announcement by Prime Minister Mark Carney that they had successfully euthanized Nickelback.

NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani reported a projected $5.4 billion budget gap, marking the first time in recorded history that a socialist has ever run out of money.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the fate of the Middle East hanging in the balance and concerns rising that war with Iran could be imminent, a desperate John Bolton was seen throwing a stink bomb into President Donald Trump's inaugural "Board of Peace" meeting.

Nobody wants to wait days, or even weeks, for a package. But somehow, this situation is even more disconcerting: Your Amazon package just came way too fast.

What a deeply unsettling occurrence.

Despite the fact that you placed the order last night at two in the morning, somehow, by the time you woke up, the package was already on your porch. Although you needed your shampoo soon—you probably have one, maybe two showers left with your current bottle—you didn’t need it this soon. For it to have arrived this quickly is, frankly, concerning. Someone worked through the night to make sure you had shampoo at your front door by the break of dawn. Yes, you—you, who definitely could have just gone to the store for it, but instead had everyone running around like this was a rapid-fire organ delivery for a lifesaving transplant.

Yikes. These are not the things you want to think about, and these are not the type of things you’d have to think about had your shampoo just arrived in a normal-to-fast timeframe of 24 to 48 hours.

But instead, the swift arrival of your package prompts so many questions. Where did the shampoo come from? Did it come the next block over, or was it overnighted on a plane in a deeply un-environmentally-conscious way? How much were the people delivering it paid? Are they being treated fairly? Where do they live? Where do they work? WHERE DID THE SHAMPOO COME FROM? Is it from a store? Is it from a warehouse? Literally how does Amazon even work?! You just wanted shampoo a dollar cheaper than it is at the drugstore! You didn’t mean for anyone to die for it!!!! Was that so much to ask?!

Woof. This is rough. Here’s hoping it never, ever happens again, because the implications are way too complicated to reckon with.

Since the DOJ released its newest batch of documents concerning the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, multiple prominent individuals have stepped down due to their appearance in the files, and it seems like the fallout isn’t over yet: The CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc. has just stepped down after emails between him and Jeffrey Epstein surfaced.

Oh no! Looks like another one bites the dust.

Despite his image as a clean cut, by-the-books businessman, it seems that longtime CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., William “Gropemaster” Pervert, may have been partaking in nefarious activity, as newly released documents show a years-long friendship with the late Jeffrey Epstein. The 500-plus emails between the two show that Mr. Pervert allegedly visited Epstein’s island at least 50 times, always bringing with him young girls he’d sex trafficked through his company Sex Trafficking Inc., which is not only a conflict of interest in violation of his noncompete clause, but a major overreach of his corporate powers as well.

Check out the message posted on Sex Trafficking Inc.’s socials below:

A Note To The Sex Trafficking Inc. Community

In light of the recently released documents pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein, Sex Trafficking Inc. CEO William “Gropemaster” Pervert has ended his 32-year career with Sex Trafficking Inc.

We at Sex Trafficking Inc. had no knowledge of Mr. Pervert’s behavior nor his friendship with Mr. Epstein. Through his relationship with a convicted sex offender, Mr. Pervert has let down not only the good people working under him at Sex Trafficking Inc., but the entire sex trafficking community. 

Most upsetting is that the files revealed the many times Mr. Pervert overstepped his corporate bounds, including times he asked those in Sex Trafficking Inc.’s Sex Crimes division to aid his personal sex crimes. At Sex Trafficking Inc. we do not take this lightly, as employees may only use company trafficking resources (funds, planes, threats of intimidation) for professional sex crimes. Never personal ones.

We have always taken very seriously the core tenets of our company—veracity, honor, and devotion—and we acknowledge that Mr. Pervert’s actions did not reflect these values. We’re deeply sorry for any harm Mr. Pervert’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein may have caused, and we look forward to returning to sharing sex trafficking tips and tricks under the guidance of a new CEO very soon.

Wow… Who could have seen this coming?! If Jeffrey Epstein managed to befriend the CEO of Sex Trafficking Inc., it just goes to show how truly embedded the late financier was in elite society, and just how far his disturbing influence may have reached.

It’s been over two weeks since Nancy Guthrie was kidnapped, and the Guthrie family is still without answers. Now, thanks to a reckless blunder committed by Trump’s appointed FBI Director, public faith in the case’s investigators is fading fast: Kash Patel has apologized after prematurely announcing that Nancy Guthrie was just stuck in Jumanji.

Yikes. Where the hell did President Trump even find this guy? Kash Patel just made a horrible situation so much worse!

At an emergency press conference held this morning, FBI Director Kash Patel announced that “law enforcement has confirmed Nancy Guthrie is just stuck in Jumanji, the supernatural board game from the 1995 Robin Williams’ movie of the same name.” This was a declaration that Patel would walk back 45 minutes later, after further examination of the evidence and dissection of several YouTube clips from the 1995 action-adventure film disproved any and all connections between the fictional board game Jumanji and Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. 

“I’d like to apologize to the Guthrie family for any false hope I may have given them when I pointed out that Robin Williams’ character in Jumanji disappeared for 26 years, but it turned out he just got sucked into the board game and had to live in a jungle until another player rolled a five or eight. I was 1000% certain Nancy was in the exact same situation, but in actuality, I spoke without verifying all the facts at hand,” explained Patel in a retraction of his statement.

“Earlier today, I instructed employees across the FBI to drop what they were doing and try to roll fives and eights with board game dice in order to bring Nancy back from the jungle. This order was given even despite the risk of a lion coming out of the board game with her, like what happened in the Robin Williams movie—it was a risk we were willing to take if it meant reuniting her with her family,” Patel continued. “While I regret the distraction my theory caused, the Guthrie family can at least take solace in knowing that Nancy is NOT in the jungle from Jumanji, which the FBI has proven beyond all doubt as of today.”

You really, really hate to see people like this in charge of America’s federal law enforcement…Kash Patel is setting the FBI’s reputation back by decades.

How someone this profoundly incompetent wound up in charge of the FBI is a question we, as a nation, need to address. Look, if we’re Nancy Guthrie’s family, we are hiring a private military company ASAP, because we are not feeling good about her chances with Kash Patel running things. Otherwise, all we can say is that we are praying for Nancy’s safe return home, and for her captors to be brought to justice immediately!

While the controversial documentary Melania has been heavily criticized and bombarded with negative reviews, it does have some interesting moments. Here are six times in the Melania documentary where Melania accidentally rolls her face up in a car window. 

1. Before The Opening Credits Roll

In an interesting creative choice by the film’s director, we see Melania’s face being rolled up in a car window before the film’s credits even roll. Melania is shown in the back of a limousine waving to a group of fans through an open window, which she then begins to roll up while her head is still hanging well outside the limo. “How do I stop it doing that?!” she shouts to no one in particular, panicking while her lips and ears are fully rolled up in the closed window, the bunched-up skin pinched in the window looking like an elephant ear pastry flopping up and down outside the car with every bump it hits. For a film so universally panned as being an overpriced fluff piece with no real substance, it’s actually a pretty fascinating opening scene. 

2. When She’s Being Driven To Trump’s Inauguration And Her Hat Is Too Big For Her Head To Fit In The Limousine So She Drives With It Hanging Out Of The Window And Accidentally Hits The Power Window Switch

The film centers around Trump’s second inauguration, and while everyone certainly remembers the meme-able black-and-white wide-brimmed hat she wore that nearly covered her entire face, there was apparently more to the story. The hat’s huge proportions meant that Melania couldn’t fit her head inside the car that was taking her to the inauguration, so she was forced to ride to the Capitol with her head hanging out of the window like a dog. Unfortunately, she accidentally leaned on the power window switch, causing her face to be quickly crushed by the presidential limo’s bulletproof glass. Apparently, an image of the iconic hat and Melania’s face skin hanging out of the barely cracked window like a cheap Halloween mask was actually used on the first draft of the film’s movie poster, but the filmmakers decided that they didn’t want to spoil such a pivotal scene and ended up scrapping it. 

3. When Melania Is Discussing How Proud She Is Of Barron While A Car Window Slowly Rolls Up On Her Face And Twists Her Head A Full 90 Degrees

While the film offers little substance about Trump and Melania’s only child together, Melania does make it clear she is proud of her son. A pride which, apparently, is capable of distracting her from the fact her face is being crushed by the window of a car while speaking about him. After Melania’s skull finally overwhelms the car window’s motor and stops it from rolling up any farther, Melania says through her bunched-up cheeks with her head at a perfect right angle from her neck, “My son’s name is Barron.” It’s an interesting scene which offers a perspective on motherhood rarely seen in film. 

4. When She Is Riding In The Hearse Carrying Jimmy Carter’s Body During His Funeral Procession For Some Reason And Intentionally Rolls Her Face Up In The Hearse Window So She Doesn’t Inhale His Ghost 

While most of the times Melania rolls her face up in a car window in Melania are accidental, there is one instance where she does it intentionally. During a scene covering the Trumps’ attendance of Jimmy Carter’s funeral service in Washington, Melania finds herself riding along with Carter’s casket in the hearse driving him to his final resting place for an unexplained reason. Melania glances back at the casket stowed in the back of the hearse with fear, rolls down her window, and then immediately rolls it back up leaving only her lips and nose outside. She explains via narration that, “I don’t want to breathe in the ghost so I do this.” Knowing a bit about Melania’s superstitions and the lengths she’ll go to avoid inhaling ghosts actually helps humanize the First Lady who is often criticized for appearing cold and robotic. 

5. When She’s On A Video Call With French First Lady Brigitte Macron Discussing Cyberbullying And Accidentally Rolls Her Face Up In Her Car Window And Blames It On Cyberbullying 

Much of the film focuses on the First Lady’s attempts to help children, and at one point she consults with French First Lady Brigitte Macron and takes notes on France’s initiatives to combat cyberbullying. Unfortunately, as Macron is explaining that France has banned all social media for children under 11, Melania begins holding down her car’s power window switch and the car’s glass takes hold of most of Melania’s facial skin. The French First Lady watches helplessly while screaming, “Let go! Let go of the window button!” but in the panic the translators facilitating the call accidentally tell Melania to, “Push it harder! Push the window button harder!” resulting in Melania’s entire face temporarily being separated from her skull. After 15 minutes of struggling, Melania is finally able to pull her facial skin back over her skull and finish the call. Apparently unaware that the French First Lady was witness to the entire thing, Melania explains, “Sorry I was gone. I was just victim of a cyberbullying.” Say what you will about Melania being nothing more than a legal bribe by Amazon to President Trump, but there are at least a few scenes here that are nothing like anything you’ve seen before. 

WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on maximizing pointless training hours, micromanagement, and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today.

“For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. I fucking hate them.”

According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service.

“The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it would be an app easily accessible on the personal electronic device every soldier already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.”

Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from software development to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a 23-page spiral-bound booklet filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024.

“From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by barely literate CSMs to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.”

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Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug.

“Troopers are required to carry this piece of shit on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also dropping their kids at childcare two hours away.”

Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool.

“I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. God, I hate them.”

WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he described as a bloated budget, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a single bottle of bourbon.

“If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “The 9 mil is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.”

Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon and a loaded handgun would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services.

“Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to Canada because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once.

Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more.

The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction.

“I’m a veteran myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should remove all photos of himself from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.”

The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear.

“Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.”

The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists.

This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: warfighting and drinking. 

“I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through two divorces and four-ish kids while still leaving enough cash for alimony.”

Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise location of U.S. submarines to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear.

While the VA’s benefit reduction is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance.

VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack

“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”

Duffel BlogCat Astronaut

Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study Finds

Just hang on. Not yourself, silly!

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards

“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.

Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff

Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces

“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”

Duffel BlogAs for Class

Project 2025 to cut veterans

GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed

Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer

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WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the U.S. national security community, a whistleblower complaint alleges that the Director of National Intelligence is Tulsi Gabbard.

The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence.

The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright.

“This is complete nonsense,” said Senior Advisor Stephen Miller. “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed.

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today.

“We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.”

During a Pentagon press conference, Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops storming Greenland, bombing multiple Iranian cities, and engaging leftist guerrilla soccer moms in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, an invasion of China titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House.

“As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT_CITY_FINAL_v7_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we used live ammunition for realism, so people still died for no reason.”

Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to influence foreign countries may actually lead to better outcomes.

“Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.”

Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear in the defense budget, though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.'

Psychological Operations Debuts New ‘Longest Tab’

The tab, to be placed on the upper left sleeve of any military uniform, can be worn by any service member that ever held the 37-series designation

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Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

Hopefully someone packed a straitjacket.

Duffel BlogCobra Commander

Pentagon says vaccinated troops no longer have to wear masks while throwing up in an Uber

Finally a return to normalcy.

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Army Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does Nothing

After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

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Budget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cord

Every penny counts.

Duffel BlogCobra Commander

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. State Department’s recent switch from Calibri to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth unveiling the new policy on Department of War letterhead.

The letter read:

Hey warriors, losers, and ladies,

The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!!

By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using Comic Sans.

Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was “not in a woke way.”

“It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of Lee Harvey Oswald. Jury’s still out on that guy.”

The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!”

“Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.”

A CYCLIST used to weaving in and out of traffic has criticised cycle lanes for being too safe.

Lycra-clad Nathan Muir, 37, has slammed local authorities for wasting money on boring cycle routes with no interesting obstacles or the potential for exciting clashes with motorists.

Muir said: “What could take the fun and joie de vivre out of cycling more than allocating a section of the road purely to bikes?

“The thrill of cutting up cars by swerving across lanes has gone. Also the buzz of edging awkwardly through stationary traffic. There are even patronising little arrows telling you which way to go. Pure infantilisation. Why not just make me use stabilisers?

“Believe, me, I’ve tried to like cycle lanes. Me and my cyclist friends formed a two-abreast peloton for maximum obnoxiousness and not a single motorist cared. And stuck in the cycle lane you can’t enjoy coasting through red lights. No beeps, no screamed obscenities. I’m starting to wonder what the point of having a bike is.

“In traffic I go where I want, when I want. In a cycle lane it’s just so restrictive. Good luck flicking sweat onto motorists’ precious paintwork when they’re four feet away.

“It’s no wonder every cyclist I know refuses to use them. Although by taking up space they’ve made the roads more congested, which is how I like them. Oh God, it all makes sense now.”

A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.

Phones

Your smartphone, which you use for so many things from communication to satnav to music to video? Hang onto your old one, because AI is more important than all of those uses so there won’t be new phones anymore. Drop it down the loo and you’re on a landline, mate. Good news though – your phone now has AI on it!

Gaming consoles

Remember how they used to launch new generations of these? Been a while, hasn’t it? That’s because AI’s had all the chips so you’re stuck with your dusty Xbox Series X forever, though it’s not like there are new games either. Never mind though, adaptive AI gaming is coming and it’ll be incredible in 15-20 years.

Cars

There was never any possible downside to making all cars computerised, apart from persistent software issues and incredibly expensive dealer-only services, but improbably one has now emerged. A minor shunt will now see your vehicle off the road for eight months while new memory chips are imported. Self-driving taxi, sir?

Laptops

We’ve had such an abundance of laptops, haven’t we? No doubt you’ve got a forgotten one on a shelf somewhere. Dig out that bad boy because the business and consumer markets come second to keeping the AI bubble inflated! Want to know why? Consult the AI shoehorned into your browser, spreadsheets, word processor and notes app.

Vital defence systems

As Russia has learned, these days an army marches on its microchips. Everything from drones to missiles are controlled by computer and tragically few of them survive impact. So costly national defence systems will stay a few steps behind as AI rightly takes precedence, apart from China where the state prioritises differently.

Banking

Finally. Global financial systems have been treated to the best of everything for too long. The architecture that controls the world’s money and keeps capitalism from collapsing into feudalism can be left to creak a bit. Has banking gone AI? No, oddly they’ve been reluctant to let hallucinating chatbots nobody understands run their systems. Not sure why.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.

Following his arrest today for alleged misconduct in public office, the former prince is unable to understand why there is a peculiar salty smell and liquid coming from his palms and armpits.

Mountbatten-Windsor said: “I am glistening, damp, positively humid. Haven’t been this way since that adrenaline rush in the Falklands, but then I had Argentinian missiles up my arse. Heaven knows what I’ll have up my arse if the worst comes to the worst.

“I asked a copper – one of His Majesty’s finest, oh the irony – what it was and he said ‘perspiration’. I said that’s not possible. Or is it like the divine right of kings where I lost my magical abilities with my title? This is the worst birthday ever.

“I’m used to pools of sticky liquid appearing on my body but usually in very different circumstances. And it’s bloody inconsiderate arresting me today of all days. I shall be demanding a full apology. 

“Still, I’m sure this can all be easily explained away in court. Everyone was totally convinced by my Pizza Express explanation.”

BREWDOG is being sold, but its losses could make small investors’ shares worthless. Luckily the founders are still incredibly rich, so here they explain how to fail lucratively.

Be edgy

Investors love anything ‘edgy’, so naturally they were impressed by ‘Punk IPA’. Sure, craft beer has absolutely nothing to do with punk and you won’t find any songs by The Clash about India pale ale with a hint of lychee. But at least beer is cooler than Punk Dishwasher Tablets.

Overpromise 

We made the mistake of creating a good product which is physically real. Elon Musk has taken the more efficient approach of focusing on products that exist purely in his imagination, such as moon cities and robots that actually work. So it seems the best thing to do is think ludicrously big. What about a teleportation hat that also makes people fancy you? Set up some meetings with investors, you can fill in the details later. 

Remember to pay yourself in real money  

Make sure you sell plenty of your shares for real money to put in your bank account before everything goes tits-up. The last thing you want is to be heavily invested in your own brilliant business idea.

Only have one good idea

We can all learn from Mark Zuckerberg, who came up with the excellent idea of staying in touch with your friends and relatives via simple text chats on Facebook, with some handy features like reminding you about birthdays. Once you’ve had your good idea, move on to shit ones like the Metaverse and AI glasses. It doesn’t matter if they fail disastrously because you’re already worth $264 billion.

Remember the media has no critical thinking skills

Especially true of tech companies, but it applies to any business which is vaguely interesting or zeitgeisty. Do you predict your part-time dog-walking franchise will soon be worth £6 trillion? Sky News won’t bother to google it.

Spend insane amounts of money

You may recall James Dyson’s headphones with an air-purifying mask that no one wanted because they cost £900 and made you look like Bane. That easily cost him tens of millions, but if you’re a visionary entrepreneur mistakes don’t matter. Splash £20 million on R&D for your pet project of a smart duvet that climbs inside the cover by itself.

Don’t be a boring businessperson 

The master of this was Adam Neumann, founder of WeWork, the flexible office space start-up. Adam openly did weed and tequila shots in meetings, and was so different to a typical businessman everyone forgot there weren’t enough hipster freelancers and renting a desk is a pointless faff anyway. When WeWork went bankrupt he walked away with $1 billion. A true business genius.

A MAN’S preferred positions for intercourse are the ones where he can lie back and enjoy the view, it has emerged.

When asked by his girlfriend to share his favourite sex positions, Tom Booker revealed that he likes the ones that require minimum effort on his part but still feel pleasurable as far as his penis is concerned.

Booker said: “What’s it called where I lie back with my arms behind my head while my partner does all the work? That one’s incredible. I can even look at my phone at the same time.

“If I’m feeling adventurous or it’s her birthday, I might roll onto my side while my other half bucks away and sorts herself out. It’s not quite as good though because the arm I’m lying on might go numb. Good relationships are all about compromise though.

“Positions where I have to get on my knees or use my hands are the worst. They make me all sweaty and I tend to feel a bit sore afterwards. That doesn’t make me a bad lover though, in fact it’s kink-shaming to even suggest that.

“As for anything beyond the bed, forget about it. Falling asleep immediately after I’ve been seen to is the best part.”

Booker’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I like reverse cowgirl. Or as Tom calls it, ‘the one that’s like having a sexy nap’.”

Journalist Owen Jones has gone to Gorton and Denton to check the political waters before next week’s keenly-anticipated by-election. And we mention him because of this particular exchange which has just gone viral for reasons that will surely become obvious. It’s a vote who said she knew one thing – she wouldn’t be voting Green […]

The post This woman’s unexpected reason for not voting Green is the most gloriously British thing you’ll see this week appeared first on The Poke.

We hope you’ve been enjoying the Winter Olympics as much as we have (which is to say, a lot). But here was a moment we missed but might already be our favourite 15 seconds of the games. It’s one particular speed skating contest which went right down to the wire in the most spectacular – […]

The post You surely won’t see a funnier photo finish at the Winter Olympics or any race, anywhere appeared first on The Poke.

You do not need to be a football fan to be aware of the shocking on-field scenes this week after a plane was allegedly racist abused in the UEFA Champions League Vinícius Júnior and his Real Madrid teammates appeared ready to walk off after Benfica’s Gianluca said something to him while covering his mouth. pic.twitter.com/PaAUQz8xdG […]

The post This sports presenter’s blistering take on racism in football after the latest on-field outrage is an important, essential watch appeared first on The Poke.

The human brain is a strange thing, capable of everything from figuring out quantum mechanics to telling your body how to do a handspring double front flip in gymnastics. But it’s also able to do more annoying feats too, like never let you forget the most useless of things. Over on the AskUK subreddit, OpenCantaloupe4790 […]

The post ‘Is there something you heard/saw/read once that now lives rent-free in your head?’ – 21 annoyingly unforgettable experiences appeared first on The Poke.

Unprecedented breaking news today that the Andrew formally known as Prince has been arrested by police on suspicion of misconduct in public office. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor – celebrating (kind of) his 66th birthday today – was arrested by police investigating the former prince’s dealings with the convicted child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The former prince, who […]

The post Whoever did this week’s especially on-point Private Eye cover, take the rest of the week off appeared first on The Poke.