Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In

The Onion.

Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution

In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think? “My money’s on the firing squad.” Steve Ovidiu, Fluid Technician “I hope they include an on-camera sign-language interpreter.” Josephine Crespo, Apartment Squatter “No way is this administration capable of setting up a working livestream.” Willem Brydon, Unemployed The Onion.

White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass

WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted hyena with its jaws dug into the right buttock of the president and not on our historically prosperous economy,” said assistant press secretary Beni Rae Harmony, adding that there was sadly no accomplishment impressive enough to stop the media from running footage of the animal that had gnawed through the rear pocket of Trump’s suit pants and latched onto the flesh underneath. “Besides, this hyena is obviously just a juvenile that probably doesn’t weigh more than 80 pounds and lacks the mandible strength of a fully grown adult—but you won’t hear that in all the fake news headlines, let alone how tariffs have brought down prices across the country.” At press time, access to Trump had been cut off except for those media outlets that agreed not to mention that the president was now partially digested by a reticulated python. The Onion.

Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual

GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate,” said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the firm had tried setting up with their single friends the entire four months he worked there. “Alexander was a hoot—he had all us gals in stitches. He always smelled like lavender, and we used to tease him because he used an emery board to keep his nails short. Apparently one of the attorneys saw Alexander at a bar sharing a booth with another man, except Alexander and the man were sitting on the same side of the booth. The next Monday, his desk was empty, and I never saw him again.” Fuller acknowledged that she immediately knew something was different about Alexander because he never grabbed her ass or breasts the way her other male coworkers did. The Onion.

FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger  As Seditious Activity

WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday. “Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless of how full you are, will be considered an attack against the U.S. government,” said Patel, adding that violators who committed treason by filling up on sides or dismissing the last bites as “all bread” would face up to 20 years in jail and fines of up to $10,000. “Already, we have compiled a list of criminals who have left stray pieces of pickle or ground beef on their paper plates, or secretly picked off their grilled onions and attempted to hide the remains in a napkin. And to anyone who discarded a perfectly good bun only to wrap their burger in lettuce and eat it ‘paleo style’? Not even the death penalty is harsh enough.” Patel went on to state that if the unfinished burger was anything less than a double, the offender would be referred to the Department of Homeland Security for deportation.  The Onion.

Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights 

Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights. Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special! Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have! Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you! Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works! Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!

Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’

Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.” Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment! This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.  “Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.” Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic! Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!  

Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program

In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.  It’s about time! Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time. Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.” For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.

Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids

Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.  LOL! Good fucking luck with that one! During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.” Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.  As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.  She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.  Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting. Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.  But seriously…Good fucking luck.

One Step Closer To AGI: OpenAI Just Solved A Long-Believed-To-Be-Impossible ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ Problem

Well, it looks like the day the robots gain sentience is coming sooner than once believed, because one of the most advanced AI models just solved yet another equation that’s long confounded our best thinkers: OpenAI just solved a Fuck, Marry, Kill that was believed to be impossible. Wow. For millennia, our top minds have tried to solve the following problem: Given three options—fuck, marry, or kill—which one should be assigned to each of the members of the group comprising Bill Cosby, Baby Hitler, and Scrappy Doo? And for just as long, those top minds have been totally stumped. Initially, the problem was deemed unsolvable due to the question of whether “Baby Hitler” could even be included as an option, or if it would have to be Adolf Hitler instead. Eventually, though, scholars realized that their focus on that element was really their refusal to deeply engage with the question as stated.  Once this debate subsided and the consensus arrived that Baby Hitler was to remain included, many believed he was the immediate kill, leaving Bill Cosby for marriage and Scrappy Doo for fucking. However, this was never verified as a viable solution, because it’s wrong to fuck a minor or an animal, and Scrappy Doo is both five years old and a dog. Though some argued that because Scrappy Doo is 46 in dog years, he doesn’t actually count as a minor, records show these discussions became tedious and more focused on age-of-consent laws than about who one might actually enjoy fucking, marrying, or killing, leaving many scholars to prefer working through hard-but-solvable MFKs, such as that of Lindsay Lohan, Barbara Streisand, and the Green M&M.  But everything changed in 2014. A birthday tweet posted by Hanna-Barbera Productions announced that Scrappy Doo had officially turned 18, thereby reestablishing their famous character as a legal adult. But just as fucking Scrappy Doo, marrying Bill Cosby, and killing Baby Hitler finally seemed like the official answer, sadly, news broke that Bill Cosby was not actually a beloved American entertainer who seems like a great husband, but a serial rapist who would spend the rest of his life in jail. So then, with two kill options and only one viable fuck or marry option, the game reached a stalemate, where it’s remained for the last decade. But everything changed again this week, when the problem was solved in mere seconds by OpenAI’s newest model. When prompted, the system chose the following: fuck Bill Cosby, marry Scrappy Doo, and kill Baby Hitler.  Initially, the researchers were skeptical. Fucking a serial rapist? No one wants to do that. But then, the AI system explained that by killing Baby Hitler, we enter an alternate reality in which Bill Cosby does not go on to rape dozens of women, but instead just gropes one or two, which definitely isn’t good, and ideally you never fuck someone who’s done that, but ultimately it’s better to fuck that someone than a baby, and although Scrappy Doo is a bit of a hothead, he will make an okay husband.  Mic = drop. AI really managed to solve it, just like that?! If you think AI is just a bubble, think again, because this just goes to show how powerful these machines really are!

Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.

DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI

WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers.Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness.Parnell dismissed those concerns.“We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.”Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February.“All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.”Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll.“I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.”The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings.“So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer.“Frankly, it’s crushing it.”The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War.Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended.“It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said.At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank.Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Stunned team staggers out of two-hour meeting with no clue what happened in there

A TWO-HOUR Monday morning meeting has ended with all participants drained, shaken and unable to explain what went on.  Boss Tom Booker sent a calendar invite last week for a ninety minute ‘team huddle’, which was later extended by half an hour for reasons unclear either on the invite or, according to survivors, in the actual meeting. Dazed facilities manager Emma Bradford, gulping down a black coffee, said: “What the f**k was that? “I know there was an agenda at the start, and someone must have been taking notes, but I cannot tell you who or why or what about. All I know is that within 20 minutes up was down, black was white and I was barely clinging to my sanity. “I went in there with a pretty decent idea of what my role is, I think. Now I can barely remember my own name. Was I fired? Am I meant to be doing something now? Has lunch already happened or not?” Booker said: “I know my team, and they can’t stand quick one-on-one chats or briefing emails. They really function best in a large group, where we cover a lot of ground and everyone gets a chance to speak, especially me. “I hope they feel like it was sufficiently detailed. We’ll reconvene late on Friday afternoon to pick up where we left off. I’m sure all of the points from the last meeting will have been actioned. Even if I’m a little vague on what they were.”

Flowers, that’s lovely: A girlfriend investigates why

A WOMAN has been presented with a seemingly spontaneous bouquet by her boyfriend. What has he done? Grace Wood-Morris investigates:  He’s forgotten something Unless I’ve forgotten one of our significant celebration dates, which I haven’t, he must think he has. But which? I shall accept the flowers haughtily, letting him know he’s done wrong, and wait for him to give himself away later. He’s bought impulsively Or he’s compensating in advance for an unwise eBay purchase. Could be anything from a life-size Ultron to a new car. Either way, he knows he’s sinned and this is woefully inadequate as compensation. I’ll retaliate by getting myself that Jigsaw dress that’s in my basket but I had not yet bought, because I am a saint. He wants a holiday with the lads The group chat is alive with rumblings of a lad’s trip away. It may have developed into an actual plan, hence the flowers. I’ll get straight on it and report this bouquet to the girls and cross-reference for other suspicious boyfriend behaviour. They’re not going anywhere. But thanks for the flowers. He loves me It would be so romantic if he’d been at work thinking about how much he loves me and how much it hurts him to be away from me and that’s why he bought flowers. But based on his track record that’s unlikely. My spontaneous gifts in the relationship so far are a can of Fanta, chocolates he got given by work and a hoodie of his I kind of stole. He’s cheated James isn’t the cheating kind, which I know because there’s a tracking app on his phone. Could he have left it at work and snuck out to a hotel for anonymous sex? No, he’s not got that level of planning in him. He can’t even book a citybreak without checking with his mum. No reason at all After exhausting all the possibilities. I’ve come to the conclusion that he has bought me flowers for no reason whatsoever. How utterly f**king thoughtless, I deserve better than that.

How your shitty little town can host its own Oktoberfest

EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead:  Find suitable locations In Munich, the festival occupies every park with hundreds of benches and marquees hosting seven million a year. In your town? There’s Lidl car park and the primary school’s sports field which will be free over half-term. Hire the latter, but do not be persuaded to give free drinks to teachers. You have no conception of how much teachers drink. Get permission To serve alcohol a license must be obtained from the local council, and law enforcement informed. Clear both in advance with an evening buying G&Ts at the local golf club. Though you may struggle to get approval from the parish council after a previous dispute over planning permission concluded with you keying the leader’s car. Contact breweries No Oktoberfest can take place without enormous quantities of warm, pissy beer, just as the Germans like it. Ignore local microbreweries and their homebrewed turnip IPAs and go straight to the source: a brewing giant willing to sell you whatever gassy lager isn’t even good enough to be sold as Aldi’s Galahad brand. Source stodge The Bavarian palate is not a refined one, so the food provided needs only to be able to absorb alcohol. Meat, potatoes and stale bread will pretty much cover it. Partner up with a local prison and ask which meal is best for sending convicts into a stupefied coma, and serve large portions of that. Constipation saves on Portaloos. Recruit staff Oktoberfest waitresses take ten per cent of the beer they sell, are blonde, heavily built enough to carry 30 steins at once and have big boobs. Pop by any local rugby club and ask who’s up for dressing as women in pigtails and braided crowns. All will volunteer; pick those you consider sexy. No judgement. Provide entertainment Presuming your village isn’t harbouring a secret Nazi fugitive and his oompah band, you’ll need music. The X-Factor tryout from the local pub or the Status Quo tribute act may be too classy. Instead stream classic German hits 99 Luftballons, Wind of Change and Girl You Know It’s True through a Bluetooth speaker. Hope it doesn’t piss down You’ve done your very best to make sitting outside while getting wrecked seem like an exotic activity. All you need now is decent weather so your gathering of pissheads stays put long enough to make money. Also, do watch out for moustached men with monorchism trying to incite drinkers into a fascist revolution. It’s been a problem.

We ask you: What does poor Donald Trump have to do to win the Nobel Peace Prize?

THE Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded, and once again President Trump has been overlooked in favour of a nobody. What does he have to do?  Denys Finch Hatton, cartographer: “He’s already stopped every war except Ukraine, Iran, Sudan and the new Sky One series War starring Dominic West and Sienna Miller. So maybe that last one?” Sophie Rodriguez, collar starcher: “End World War Two before it happens. Baby Hitler’s waiting, Donald.” Grace Wood-Morris, turf trader: “I mean Edwin Starr never won it in 1970 despite comprehensively deconstructing the entire concept of warfare, so these Swedes are habitually unjust.” Norman Steele, chiropractor: “As Vegetius said, if you want peace, prepare for war. A massive troop build-up on the Canadian border should do the trick.” Julian Cook, junior diplomat: “He should find whoever won it and swap his Fifa Peace Prize for it. After all that’s one of a kind, there’ll never be another.”

We’ll do our talking on the pitch where we enjoy an unfair advantage, say City

Donald Trump just openly mocked these Magas to their face and their response only made it funnier (and so much more humiliating)

There’s nothing Donald Trump enjoys more than talking nonsense in front of a crowd of adoring Magas (even though those crowds appear to be dwindling faster than global diesel supplies). Trump is well aware by now that he can get away with tossing off any old rubbish and they will accept it without question. Except […] The Poke.

Richard Bacon just magnificently owned this Reform UK-er on Newsnight and it’s a minute and a bit very well spent

As you might already have read elsewhere, two senior Reform UK officials have been cleared of breaking laws that ban foreign donations after an investigation by … Reform UK. The party published a 27 page report exonerating its head of policy James Orr and Nigel Farage’s press adviser, Dan Jukes, following that Channel 4 News […] The Poke.

This heckler was thrown out of Trump’s rally, and gained instant legendary status for her unashamedly NSFW exit

Donald Trump had a rough time of it at the Oncenter in Syracuse on Friday. For a start, there were a lot of empty seats, despite the capacity being only around six thousand. Trump: Who the hell fills up an arena like this? *Camera pans out showing empty seats* https://t.co/LR00EqLZi8 — Acyn (@Acyn) October 8, […] The Poke.

Just when you think Musk has reached peak cringe, he takes it up a notch by describing AI music as ‘awesome-core’ – 21 totally human-made burns

We suspect a word cloud of public opinion on Elon Musk would feature the words ‘cringe’, ‘Embarrassing’, and ‘awkward’ in large type, as well as some other words to do with that ‘Roman’ salute, and his slash and burn stint with Doge. There’s absolutely nothing about this clip from the X Takeover event in Texas […] The Poke.

The pained body language of this guy behind Trump made far more sense than the president’s word salad – 19 delicious drops of schadenfreude

Trump is urging voters to imagine he’s on the ballot for the upcoming midterm congressional and gubernatorial elections, and Democrats everywhere are really hoping they do, because the president’s approval rating is through the floor. Trump is 38 points underwater in net approval. 🤣LOWEST OF ALL TIME 🤣 "The worst I’ve ever seen is Donald […] The Poke.