The Onion
Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins
NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds,” said National Audubon CEO Elizabeth Gray, who warned that terns, pelicans, and all other bird species that consort with penguins would also be subject to excommunication until the banished species repented and returned to the Audubon flock. “Penguins are barred from receiving all benefits of communion with the Audubon Society, including habitat protection, charitable services, and advocacy for the species. Bird-watchers will turn their binoculars away from you, and all information about penguins will be removed from bird-watching guides. We’ve tried to reach out to penguins to bring them back into our brotherhood, but they have refused to reform themselves, and their sins leave us no other choice. May fish turn to ash in their mouths and no water sate their thirst. Let them be cursed in the sea and cursed on the rock. Let their feathers be forever ruffled, and their beaks be forever chipped. Nostra potestate, has aves lapsas a regno pennatorum excommunicamus.” Gray added that none of the flightless birds would be welcomed back into the Audubon fold until they first renounced the penguins’ attempts to ordain females as colony leaders.
The Onion.
North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that we want to say we’re sorry,” said Gov. Kelly Armstrong, noting that in addition to doing virtually nothing to help shape America’s storied history, North Dakota lacked any rich cultural legacy of its own, aside from the fact that Chuck Klosterman grew up there before eventually moving away. “We know some people might say, ‘Well, at least you’ve got Mount Rushmore,’ but nope, that’s South Dakota. The movie Fargo? That was all the Coen brothers. We had nothing to do with that. Honestly, we’re not even sure why there needed to be two Dakotas in the first place. I suppose that without us, the number of stars on the flag wouldn’t be a nice even number. So that’s something.” Armstrong also thanked the American people for letting North Dakota tag along all these years despite being dead weight and added that it would continue doing its part by remaining quiet and not bothering any of the states that really mattered.
The Onion.
What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation.
Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute?
A: An on-the-nose alibi.
Q: Should I be worried?
A: You might want to postpone your weekend girls trip to a hospital in Irkutsk.
Q: Will this be worse than Covid?
A: No, nobody will ever keep you away from Chili’s again.
Q: Didn’t plague end in the Middle Ages?
A: A 650-year anniversary version was recently rereleased under the brand name “Plague Classic.”
Q: When will we know exactly what happened?
A: Just a little too late.
The Onion.
Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In
The Onion.
Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think?
“My money’s on the firing squad.”
Steve Ovidiu, Fluid Technician
“I hope they include an on-camera sign-language interpreter.”
Josephine Crespo, Apartment Squatter
“No way is this administration capable of setting up a working livestream.”
Willem Brydon, Unemployed
The Onion.
ClickHole
Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You
As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.
Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads.
Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at.
Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you.
Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.
Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights
Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights.
Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special!
Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have!
Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you!
Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works!
Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!
Bold: Gorton’s Seafood Is Now Selling A $500 Fish Stick As A ‘Buy-It-For-Life Fish Stick Built To Last’
Love seafood but hate its short shelf life? One company is boldly addressing fish sticks’ disposability problem with a game-changing innovation: Gorton’s Seafood is now selling a $500 fish stick as a “buy-it-for-life fish stick built to last.”
Incredible. If you know you’ll be eating fish sticks in the long-term, this is a pretty sensible investment!
This week, Gorton’s Seafood dropped the ‘Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish Stick,’ the most durable, long-lasting fish stick the seafood industry has ever seen. According to Gorton’s, each fish stick is “100% Made In America, hand-crafted by world-class fish stick artisans using stress-tested wild Alaskan pollock fillets with a weather-proof, high-grade breadcrumb coating.” With a price tag of $500 and packaged in a fish stick-sized 2″ x 5″ full-grain leather case featuring the company’s name in raised, gold leaf lettering, Gorton’s ‘buy-it-for-life’ fish stick is marketed towards serious seafood enthusiasts who understand how costly and wasteful it is to buy brand new fish sticks week in and week out.
“Historically, our company has catered to casual fish stick consumers, but we recognize the economic challenges facing people who eat a lot of fish sticks, and designed a buy-it-for-life fish stick to offer maximum value for serious fish stick eaters,” wrote Gorton’s Seafood CEO Kurt Hogan in a statement accompanying the Zest Of Time Lemon Garlic Fish stick’s release. “Anyone who eats fish sticks on a regular basis knows how expensive it is to buy fish sticks over and over again in the long haul. Now, your next fish stick purchase can be the last one you’ll ever need to make.”
Gorton’s is operating on a whole other level. This is a big bet on the die-hard fish stick demographic!
Would you shell out for a fish stick you can pass down to your kids in the future as long as you take good care of it? Let us know in the comments!
Taking A Stand: Cornell University Has Officially Paused Its Rape & Assault Undergraduate Major Program
In light of their failure to appropriately respond to the severity of a 2024 sexual assault case, Cornell University has finally taken action and officially paused its Rape and Assault undergraduate major program.
It’s about time!
Though the Rape and Assault undergraduate program has been a historic part of Cornell’s 161-year tenure, this pause will allow administrators to examine whether or not the program, which includes courses such as Introduction to Molesting and Roofies 301, played a significant role in the 2024 gang rape of a student. Students who have already declared their major in the department will be able to complete their bachelor degrees, but new students will not be permitted to enroll in the major at this time.
Said the University in a statement, “It has come to our attention that undergraduate students in our Rape and Assault program may have used what they learned to commit rape and/or assault. This was never our intent, as seminars like ‘How Much K Is Needed To Make Sure She Forgets Everything?’ and visiting professorships by Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, were only ever meant to provide students with a well-rounded education. As we assess the situation, prospective Rape and Assault majors should consult with their advisors regarding Cornell’s other exciting academic offerings, such as Hotel Management and Beekeeping.”
For some this might be considered too little too late, but props to Cornell University for trying to make things right.
Good Fucking Luck With That One: This Woman Thinks She’s Going Break The Cycle Of Generational Trauma And Unhealthy Parenting Patterns With Her Own Kids
Twenty-seven year old nurse Ashley Morrison has never had kids before. But now she’s pregnant with her first baby, and she’s already thinking about all of the ways she’s going to break the cycle of unhealthy parenting that has passed trauma onto her bloodline for generations.
LOL! Good fucking luck with that one!
During her weekly therapy Zooms, Ashley recounts damaging events she experienced growing up and says things like, “When I’m a mom, I’m never going to do anything like that.”
Oh, SUUUUUUURE you aren’t, Ashley.
As if Ashley’s ability to make emotionally mature, thoughtful parenting decisions and foster a healthy environment for her kids wasn’t completely demolished by her own toxic upbringing. She may try to break free of the hurtful parenting style she vividly remembers all too well, but when it’s 2 a.m. and her kid just threw up all over the couch, that muscle memory’s going to kick in and her own mother’s ghost is going to possess her body like a demonic entity.
She can steer clear of alcohol and read books all she wants, but toxic parenting is her destiny. A birthright her own children will some day pass on to theirs.
Ashley is doomed to not only repeat the sins of her parents, but to be fully aware of what she’s doing while she does it. Unlike her own parents, whose low emotional IQs and alcohol abuse kept them blissfully unaware of the psychological damage they were inflicting, Ashley will know exactly what’s going on but be unable to stop herself thanks to years of behavioral imprinting.
Sorry, Ashley, but your promise to yourself to never treat your own children the way your parents treated you has already been broken by simple human psychology and your own DNA. There’s a reason it’s called a cycle: It just keeps going forever.
But seriously…Good fucking luck.
Duffel Blog
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI
WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.
Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke
SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards.During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it.“That’s discipline,” Bass said.The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion.“He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said.At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle.Roger Wilco is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.
Daily Mash
Seven rules of the box office Tom Cruise must never break or disaster will follow
EVER-RELIABLE box office draw Tom Cruise has made a frighteningly expensive flop with recent film Digger because he broke his own Tom Cruise rules:
Don’t get clever
The most complex storytelling we want from a Tom Cruise movie is the bit where he explains how to break into the thing to get the other thing. Digger features genre shifts and a metanarrative. If his audience wanted their brains to hurt, they’d read a book.
Stick to sci-fi, action or sci-fi action
Do we want to see Tom as an amoral hitman? F**king around in a mask at sex parties? No. He should be punching criminals, killing aliens or operating a cool computer with holograms instead of keys. Ignore that if your PC worked like that you’d be knackered after every Facebook post.
Tom must win
Tom always wins, and in a way that makes the audience happy. Valkyrie wasn’t brilliantly received because those watching it wanted von Stauffenberg to succeed in killing Hitler and win the heart of Eva Braun. They could change the history books if it needs to be a true story,
He should not have a personal life
Tom messed up with his bizarre Oprah couch jump, making it tough not to be distracted in dull moments by stray thoughts like: ‘I wonder what Nicole Kidman really knows about Xenu?’ To prevent further damage to the Tom we know and love he should put in an induced coma between films.
Running must feature
It’s become a joke, but we still want to see Tom running as fast as his little legs will carry him. We don’t pay £10 for the reliable Cruise brand and come away from the cinema feeling disappointed and cheated. We’ve got Ridley Scott movies for that.
He should learn his limits
Tom’s two acting skills are a winning smile and a surprised face with his mouth open, and that’s fine. You don’t need to be Christopher Walken to twat an alien with a pneumatic fist. When he overreaches it turns out badly. It’s impossible to watch Far and Away without coming out hating the Irish for what he did to their accents.
Tom must be the good guy
Tom has played a handful of bad guys, including a vampire, an assassin and a Hollywood producer, and his character in Digger is not a traditional Cruise hero. Audiences hate this. Tom must to stick to playing good guys who are unquestionably on the right side, such as members of the US military.
We tried spending absolutely shitloads for a year, and we’ve never been happier
By Joseph and Kate Turner of Nottingham
AS a couple, we wondered if there could be something more to our hollow lives. So we tried buying everything we wanted all the time, and it’s been brilliant.
We were inspired by a friend of ours, who spent a full year without spending anything and was always boasting of how blissful it was while reeking of cheap Jojoba shampoo from the cash-and-carry. What if she’s wrong? we thought.
So, on October 12th last year, we began our bold experiment. We vowed we would buy whatever we wanted, no matter how impulsive or wasteful. We would give in to any consumerist impulse. And 12 months later our house is just teeming with stuff.
Designer clothes, pizza ovens, gaming laptops – we bought it all. We bought furniture we don’t have room for. I paid £2,500 for a ride-on mower even though we only have a small back garden and it’s paved. But you know what? It makes me happy to see it sit there gleaming.
Nights out? We’ve seen opera at Covent Garden, shows in the West End, Bruno Mars at Wembley Stadium and a man swallowing eels for money in the back room of a Dagenham pub. And every single one of them was better than a night in playing Uno.
We can barely get around our own home, so full is it of Linn hi-fi equipment, Stöckli skis, Scubapro oxygen tanks and discarded Louboutins. And it feels bloody great. So what if we never use it? It’s still ours and you’re jealous.
How did we afford it? Well, I had a small bequest from an aunt, we refinanced the house and we sold anything that bored us. You’ll be amazed how much you can get for an in-box Omega Speedmaster Moonwatch Professional you didn’t like the colour of.
So if you’ve ever wondered ‘Am I spending enough? Do I really want all these things? Is it just marketing?’ the answers are no, yes, and no respectively.
Now if you’ll forgive me, I’ve got a £2,500 Givenchy mohair blazer to try on, say ‘nah’ and discard carelessly onto an Eames chair. What heaven it is to be alive.
Man unable to answer Only Connect questions because Victoria Coren is on screen
A QUIZ-LOVING man watching BBC Two’s Only Connect was unable to answer any questions not because they were difficult, but because of Victoria Coren.
Tom Logan, aged 38, who refuses to use the presenter’s married surname, is normally an impressive performer in quizzes but when faced with her bosomy loveliness was unable to reliably recall his own name.
He said: “The questions are admittedly very difficult, but that does at least provide me with cover when my wife notices I’m staring stupefied, mouth agape, at the screen.
“The truth is I’m not trying to link Alan Shearer, a bishop’s hat and nitrogen but thinking about boobs like an infant. Also she is very clever and has an alluring laugh.
“It’s not all physical, though. She’s got that schoolteacher tone that means I want to be punished for not knowing anything. She’s also won half a million Euros playing poker, twice, which would be useful in a partner.
“I’ve started watching with a little notebook to help me. So far, it contains the words ‘prime numbers’ middle names’, ‘Roman roads’ and ‘those librarian glasses’ followed by a number of drawings I’m not proud of.
“Maybe the questions aren’t hard, it’s just that I am so there’s no blood in my brain. Is that the point of this quiz? To hammer home that mind-body separation is a myth? I’d go on it, but all I’d do is stare for 30 minutes. It must have happened before.”
He added: “Countdown? I get the conundrum every time. Rachel Riley’s not really my type.”
‘U up?’ UK texts EU
BRITAIN has texted the EU at 3am to see if it is still awake for some casual, no-strings-attached fun, it has emerged.
Having tried its luck on the international market only to find that everyone is insane or incompatible, the UK is acting like randomly texting its ex without warning to see if it is down for a hook-up is no big deal.
The UK said: “Hey stranger. How’s it going? I saw the Schengen Area looking really hot on the news so I thought I’d say hi. Can’t blame a guy for shooting his shot haha.
“Yeah, been rolling with my subcontinental Asian crew, but missed your vibe. All that taking back control stuff? I’m over that, and tbh the fishing quotas I was so hot for have been underwhelming. It’s okay though. I forgive you for letting me walk out.
“Sure, I’ve signed some pretty steamy trade deals with New Zealand and India since we split, but I kept thinking of you. Our federation. Remember how crazy I used to get about banning bendy bananas? You can’t fake that chemistry.
“I’m free this weekend, babygirl. Why don’t I come over to Brussels, we can go out for dinner and see what happens? I’ll even try that Euro thing you’ve always wanted me to do.”
The EU said: “Why is there a nude selfie of a man in glasses? What? That’s the UK? F**k they’ve let themselves go.”
All blue teams cheat, FA confirms
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25 Funniest Threads Posts to Give Your Day a Lift
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