The Onion
Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday
WASHINGTON—In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. “Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the price of a barrel of crude to plunge 10%,” said Georgetown University economics professor Elizabeth Murphy, adding that the sad chumps who figured that, if anything, prices would continue to climb actually would have saved money if they’d just waited a day. “Across the country, these simple rubes were lining up at their local gas stations to get ahead of the price hike they assumed was inevitable, totally unaware that relief was around the corner and that they were just pissing away their goddamn paychecks. While global petroleum is indeed experiencing a high degree of volatility, it’s just hard to feel sorry for these dum-dums.” At press time, oil prices spiked the very moment the same poor fucks reportedly pledged to hold off on refilling because they predicted everything would be stable for a while.
The Onion.
Tips For Getting Better Haircuts
Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts.
Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like.
Tell your stylist what you want and, more importantly, what you’re willing to do to their family if you don’t get it.
Work with the face shape you have, be it oval, cube, or dodecahedron.
Make sure your hair is clean and free of booby traps and mines.
Sedate yourself before your appointment so you don’t struggle or bite.
Experiment with a variety of haircuts to discover what decade of Rod Stewart’s hair works best for you.
Reflect on why you feel such a desperate desire to control the uncontrollable.
Just suck it up and go back to Shonda. You’re fighting, sure, but the girl still knows good hair.
Remember to redeem your hair trimmings at the prize counter.
The Onion.
Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of ‘Girls’
LOS ANGELES—Accusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls. “It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of his hand at crew members in between setups for dialogue scenes,” said Dunham, who detailed how the “emotionally manipulative” Driver influenced co-stars, guest stars, and Nautolans with his mind tricks, even going so far as to make them uncomfortable by forming intimate Force Dyads without their consent. “I know great actors can be difficult to work with, but seeing Adam backflip over me before sending my body careening through the wall of a set is just a little too far for a professional workplace. It’s heartbreaking when you learn a fellow artist you admire so much turns out to be another man utilizing the Dark Side to do whatever he wants.” At press time, sources noted that a Force ghost of Driver had attempted to dismiss the allegations as the result of a medical overabundance of midi-chlorians in his bloodstream.
The Onion.
TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau
TMZ, the tabloid news organization known for sensationalized celebrity gossip, has opened a Washington bureau and turned its sights on politicians. What do you think?
“We’ve gone too long not knowing who Chuck Grassley canoodles with.”
Giulia Ricci, Retired Diarist
“Maybe they’ll catch Trump saying something scandalous on camera.”
Xander Anagnos, Gallery Sweeper
“I’ve always wanted to see Stephen Miller’s beach body.”
Thomas Whitehorse, Automation Proponent
The Onion.
Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue
The Onion.
ClickHole
What A Letdown: Grandma Just Emerged From Her Chrysalis Looking Exactly Like She Did Before
When Grandma entered her chrysalis three years ago, everyone thought she would come out looking completely different. We all got super excited to see what kind of disgusting or beautiful creature Grandma would become, and we assumed this would give us all sorts of interesting things to look at and talk about. Sadly, it turns out that we’ve been left with nothing but a huge letdown, because Grandma just emerged from her chrysalis looking exactly like she did before.
What a huge disappointment. We waited all that time and wound up with the same exact Grandma we started with.
Everyone remembers exactly what they were doing on that fateful day three years ago when Grandma tapped on a glass in the middle of dinner to get everyone’s attention and calmly said, “It’s time for me to transform,” before getting up and walking into the living room. When we finally checked on her a few days later, we discovered that her body had become fully enveloped inside of a shimmering green and gold chrysalis that hung above one of our recliners.
That first moment of realizing Grandma had entered her chrysalis form was filled with so much hope and promise. We all remember how everyone in the family was hugging and cheering at the sight of Grandma’s chrysalis swaying slightly as it hung from the ceiling. We were all so excited about the possibility that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking completely different.
For the next three years, everyone in the family was speculating wildly about what Grandma might transform into when she finally emerged from her chrysalis. Dad thought she might come out looking like an angel with enormous feathered wings and gigantic biceps who could lift him up over her head and fly him around town while he shouted curse words and flipped people off.
“People would look up in the sky and scream, ‘Stop saying curse words! Stop flipping us off!’” Dad used to say, his eyes glazed over with a faraway look as he imagined Grandma’s helpful new body. “But they wouldn’t be able to do anything because my mother-in-law would be flying like a thousand miles in the sky and carrying me around, so if they wanted me to stop yelling swears at them from above, they would have to use missiles, and those are hard to get if you’re not the army, so there’d be no way to stop me.”
Mom said that she hoped that Grandma would crawl out of her chrysalis looking exactly like Vladimir Lenin so that she could enter Grandma in the county fair’s annual Lenin Lookalike Contest and win the set of golf clubs they offer as the grand prize every year.
Grandpa hoped that she came out looking like “a big swarm of flies” so that he could “see what it was like to be married to a big swarm of flies.” He also sometimes imagined that Grandma would emerge from the chrysalis looking like “a monster who is half donkey, half car, and half monster” so that he could “kiss a weird thing for free all the time.” Everyone in the family agreed this was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said about another person in the history of human civilization.
The rest of the family also had all sorts of amazing dreams for what Grandma might be turning into during her three years in the chrysalis. Some of us thought she was going to come out looking like a big ball of wriggling human fingers, others thought that she was going to become a big spider or a small spider or a normal-sized spider as big as a bus. Cousin Dorothy speculated that Grandma would turn into “a mysterious antlered beast that will only emerge from the forest during lunar festivals.”
The possibilities seemed endless, and yet they all came crashing down just this morning when Grandma clawed her way out of her chrysalis looking exactly the same as she had when she first went in three years ago. She just fell out of the chrysalis onto the living room floor, stood up, looked at the whole family who were staring at her in shocked silence, and said, “I’m new,” before immediately going into the kitchen to start shoving fistfuls of potato chips into her mouth. When we asked her what the deal was, Grandma explained that she “became goo” inside the chrysalis, but then she apparently just reconstituted herself right back into the same exact body she started with.
Dad got so emotional that he punched a hole in the drywall.
Needless to say, this is one of the biggest letdowns our family has ever had. This is the kind of chrysalis-related anticlimax you always imagine happening to other people, but never to you. Now that it has, we’re all still trying to process how she could have spent so much time in there without a single visible transformation. Grandpa even cried a little bit when he realized that he was never, ever going to know what it’s like to be married to a big swarm of flies. Here’s hoping our family is able to pick up the pieces after this and we can find a way to heal in the wake of this catastrophe.
Reducing Distractions: Alamo Drafthouse Has Announced That They’re Going To Stop Showing Movies So Customers Can Focus On Ordering Food
All good businesses adapt and evolve with changing times, and one of America’s most iconic chains just announced a major policy update that’s going to keep them thriving for decades to come: Alamo Drafthouse has announced that they’re going to stop showing movies so customers can focus on ordering food.
Seriously impressive! It’s awesome to see Alamo Drafthouse cut down on distractions so their customers can concentrate on their amazing cuisine.
“Here at the Alamo Drafthouse, we understand that hamburgers and popcorn so much better when you’re not cramming them in your mouth while staring mindlessly at a big, loud movie,” read a message posted this morning on the official Alamo Drafthouse Instagram page, which featured photographs of smiling customers staring intently at plates of hamburgers, popcorn, salads, and cookies, with the large screen previously used to show noisy, distracting movies now featuring the words “It is dinner time” projected in tasteful, understated text. “Everything you loved about the Alamo Drafthouse is staying the same: We’re keeping the room extremely dark, all the seats are facing the wall, and babies are not allowed. All that’s changed is that the annoying films that used to make eating in our restaurant a distracting ordeal are finally getting the boot!”
No matter who you are or what you believe, you’ve got to admit that this is an amazing idea!
In a series of follow-up posts, Alamo Drafthouse emphasized that all of their world-famous rules and regulations will remain in place in order to maintain that one-of-a-kind Alamo Drafthouse experience. Diners will still be prohibited from talking to one another or texting at any point during their meal. Servers will still monitor the dining area for signs of conversation, and will still eject anyone caught violating these policies. You’ll also get to enjoy the amazing Alamo dining experience of sitting in an individual chair with your own little private table, with everyone in the room facing the same direction. The only difference is that you’ll finally be free of those bright, loud movies that made next to impossible to fully appreciate the burgers and salads.
This is so exciting! It’s safe to say that this is going to totally take visits to the Alamo Drafthouse to a whole other level. We can’t wait to visit the Alamo Drafthouse now that they’re getting rid of insanely noisy, distracting movies and letting their diners focus on what matters most: delicious food and world-class beers. Other restaurants, take note: this is how you update your business for the twenty-first century!
Fascinating: This Website Has A Message That Just Says Visitors Will Never Be Able To Read Any Of Its Articles No Matter How Much They Pay Or How Many Things They Click
Some websites monetize their content with paywalls, while others rely on mandatory ad clicks or different subscription tiers. One website, however, refuses to play the game altogether: This website has a message that just says visitors will never be able to read any of its articles no matter how much they pay or how many things they click.
What a fascinating business model! This website doesn’t give a damn how badly anyone wants to read their work, ‘cause it ain’t happening!
When readers open a link to an article by The Savannah Journal, a Georgia-based digital publisher, their reading experience starts and ends with a pop-up window bearing a bold statement.
“The Savannah Journal staff appreciates your interest in our content. You will never, ever read this article, or anything on our website. We welcome you to try, by either: signing up for a pay-what-you-wish annual subscription at the link below, for which you will receive access to nothing, even if you pay us $1 million per day; or, by viewing an infinite loop of mandatory video ads, which we receive money for, while you receive nothing.
Thank you for supporting our website. People like you make our work possible.”
Frank Broussard, The Savannah Journal’s Editor-in-Chief, says the website’s unique ‘No Readership’ model allows its reporting staff to do their job without the burden of trying to meet web traffic quotas, publishing eyesore banner ads, or pandering to the interests and intellects of anyone but themselves.
“The only people reading the incredible work we’re doing at The Savannah Journal are the people writing it, and that’s the way we like it. If you’d like to read our work too, fat chance, ‘cause the only way that’s happening is by getting a job here,” explained Broussard. “Nonetheless, our site’s visitors mean the world to us. We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without people who aren’t allowed to see what we do.”
Is this the future of website monetization?!
Props to The Savannah Journal for carving out their own path in the cutthroat world of digital journalism. It’s a tough industry, and if their website’s model proves successful, they might just revolutionize it.
Driving The Boys Crazy: All The Random AI Programs On Your Computer Are Desperately Fighting For Permission To Summarize Your Meeting
If you’ve been wondering why there’s extra pep in your step, it’s probably the attention you’ve been stirring up every time you sign onto Google Meet. That’s right: all the random AI programs on your computer are desperately fighting for permission to summarize your meeting.
Ow owwwwwww! Looks like we’ve got ourselves a heartbreaker!
The second your work video call begins, allllllll the programs on your computer come crawling out of the woodwork, practically begging to summarize your meeting. First, there’s Google Gemini—and sure, you could downplay it by saying that it has to ask you since that’s where you’re taking the call, but let’s be real, if it didn’t want you, it wouldn’t ask. Google wants to use AI to summarize YOUR meeting, because it’s obsessed with YOU!
Further sign you’re totally hot shit: Adobe Acrobat is also right there, pleading with you to please allow it to transcribe this meeting with AI. Like, come on, give us a break with all this desperation, Adobe! Since when have they even done AI stuff? They literally want your attention so bad that the thing you use for viewing PDFs is now tryna transcribe your meeting!
“Give Adobe Acrobat permission to summarize this meeting with AI?” More like “Give Adobe Acrobat permission to eat you out!”
Not to mention, there are a couple programs popping up to plead for your hand in AI summarizing that you straight up didn’t even know were on your computer! Whether “otter.ai” or “tl;dv” are hackers or totally legit programs you must’ve installed then immediately forgot about, either way, it’s safe to say you’re driving these boys absolutely wild.
Enjoy the affection, you absolute minx!
6 Reasons I Always Put Myself Down As My Emergency Contact Instead Of My Wife
Look, I trust my wife with my life, but every time I’m asked to list an emergency contact on insurance paperwork or when leaving for a whitewater rafting trip, I put myself down instead of her. Here are my reasons for this decision:
1. Men deal with emergencies better
While women tend to be much more in touch with their emotions than men, there are certain situations that are best handled in a cold, calculated manner. If I’m found on the floor next to my table saw spurting blood everywhere or in a country road ditch with my legs trapped in the bent-up frame of my Harley, I want the person hearing about it to be as detached from their emotions as possible when they’re making life-or-death decisions such as which hospital to take to to or whether or not to remove me from life support. I can imagine my wife hearing the news that I’d taken a softball to the temple and lost an eye and turning into a screaming, sobbing mess without anything useful to offer the already chaotic, terrifying situation. Personally, I think I could push aside my emotions, stay calm, and deal with my possible impending death with a much cooler head than my wife could.
2. If something is wrong with me, I want to know right away
Imagine a scenario where I’m in a coma or in desperate need of a heart transplant. The hospital first needs to get ahold of my wife, which could take hours, and then she needs to get ahold of me, which could also take hours, to let me know what’s going on. In an emergency, every second counts, so why not just cut out the middle man and take the information that I was the victim of a vicious acid attack or ate poisoned meat straight to me? As much as I’m sure she’d love to know what was going on with me, it doesn’t directly affect her like it does me, so in my opinion, I’m the one they should call.
3. I might have questions for the police that my wife doesn’t think of
My wife is great at a lot of things, like baking and being a surgeon, but she doesn’t always think like a detective the way I do. If my body is found in an old refrigerator in the woods or it appears I attempted to take my own life, I might have questions and concerns that might help the police with the investigation. Like, if I’m missing my wristwatch, that could be a clue, or if I was last seen with a strange man outside of a bowling alley, I might know who that strange man was. No disrespect to my wife, but if the only questions she’s going to be asking are things like, “Does it look like he’s going to make it?” and “Where are they taking his body,” I’d rather be the one who gets that call.
4. She probably wouldn’t want to know
My wife can barely handle it when I cut my fingers off while slicing onions, so if I’m having a full-blown gory, disturbing, scary medical emergency, she’s probably better off not knowing about it. Sure, at some point she’s going to see it in the newspaper or hear about it on Facebook, but if something bad happens to me, I’d like to give the poor woman as much time as possible before she finds out about it. If I can give my wife even a few days of being blissfully unaware that I’m trapped in a mineshaft as my last gift to her, I’m going to do it.
5. She might be busy
Since I got laid off and decided to stay home with the dogs full time, my wife’s life has been pretty hectic. Sometimes it takes her hours to respond to my texts asking if she got the Disney+ sign-in code email, and I wouldn’t want a bunch of calls from firefighters and brain doctors and foreign embassies and hot air balloon captains overwhelming her during her shift at the children’s hospital. I’ve got more free time to deal with my bullshit and I feel bad bothering her with it all the time.
6. I don’t know her phone number
Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married for 14 years, but how often do you actually dial someone’s phone number these days? Honestly, the only phone number I have memorized is mine, and I barely even know that one. So when I’m handed a clipboard at the oral surgeon and they ask me for my emergency contact, they’re lucky I can even give them my own number! Hopefully no one ever needs to call my emergency contact in an emergency, but if they ever do, that emergency contact is going to be me.
Duffel Blog
Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing
WASHINGTON — As part of a major overhaul to the Chaplain Corps, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the Ten Commandments in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense.“The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg, the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of church and state.“We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.”The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review.“This is the Department of War!” Hegseth said during a press briefing. “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.”Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.”“We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango or stripper girlfriend? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.”
'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25
KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today.“If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 Dodge Charger loan to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.”Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through Google search results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.”Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week.
Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas.“There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.”When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused.“There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their location services turned on?”Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on troop morale.“If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.”At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation.
Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran
THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated Toby Keith song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today.“We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.”According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based synthetic patriotism.”“We trained our AI on every Toby Keith song ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.”“He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.”
Support military children. One of them is making decisions.
The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, pickup trucks, and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town."
Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement
ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed Air Force weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today.“We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the CIA doing everything it could to fuck it up.”According to defense officials, CIA personnel inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down.“We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.”After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as capturing an Iranian soldier and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum.“They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.”The CIA’s assessment concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.”
US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq
WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”
Best served warm from a dusty pallet.
Learn more
Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”
Daily Mash
How to endure your partner being a morning person
INSTEAD of being dragged from slumber with a grudge against the world, does your partner leap peppily and unbearably from the bed? Here’s how to handle it:
Leave the f**ker to it
Remain undisturbed. Allow the upbeat, popping-candy monstrosity humming cheerfully and monologuing about what a lovely day it is to fade into the background. She’ll piss off to brightly bushy-tail around the kitchen shortly and you can sink back into the swamp of sleep leaving this as nothing more than a dystopian Disney nightmare.
Block any interaction with the prick
Little questions like ‘Want a coffee?’ or ‘Mind if I open the curtains a crack?’ are aggressive attacks on your sleeping self. Respond accordingly: shut down your senses by wrapping a pillow around your head or mimicking the opossum, which over millennia has evolved to fake death in the presence of spritzy, woohoo humans.
Engage as minimally as bloody possible
As faking death will only work once, communication with your party-popper of a partner may be unavoidable. Restrict your replies to questions like ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ and ‘Do you think fish feel love?’ to grunts laced with the weary contempt the dead hold for the living. Any more and the door to wakefulness will be flung open.
Delegate a task to the wanker
Distraction can be useful for getting rid of your confetti-shooting unicorn of positivity. Dispatch your boyfriend to another town to collect a parcel or mention an injured hedgehog in the garden. Morally dubious, but could get you another hour’s blissful unconsciousness so definitely worth it.
Mess with the twat’s circadian rhythms
Tarnishing your partner’s glitterball morning spirit by bring them into your world. Keep your wife awake late into the night by plying her with expresso martinis and vodka Red Bull while telling her you’re having an affair and leaving her, then revealing at 2am it was all a prank. She’ll sleep like she’s been coshed, and most likely in another room.
Get the f**k out
Set an alarm. Because you can’t function in the morning, you should be able to turn it off, roll out of bed, stump blearily through the house and snuggle into a filthy nest you’ve created under the stairs or in a forgotten wardrobe. Return to sleep and with luck, your boyfriend will assume you’re dead and move on leaving you to rest.
We ask you: What jacked-up price are you most excited to pay at the US World Cup?
THIS summer’s World Cup in America is charging $100 for a train, $225 for a parking spot and $40 for a soda pop. What profiteering are you buzzing for?
Helen Archer, steeplejack: “The $280 Monocular Unlock Fee, which allows me to open one eye in front of a television showing a World Cup match somewhere in America. Both eyes is $440.”
Sophie Rodriguez, app founder: “The $4,785 plus flights fee I’ll pay to be released from 22 days of ICE detention and flown home, missing the games I’d paid for. My mother’s Indian, you see.”
Tommy Logan, papermaker: “Don’t give a shit. I’ve drawn my own thousand-dollar bills with Trump’s name on them and I’m using those. No-one will stop me.”
Emma Bradford, chip designer: “And I’ve paid six grand for sharknado insurance. You have to if you’re going over there.”
William McKay, ship refitter: “Interesting. And all this to watch Congo DR vs Uzbekistan, you say.”
Oil companies begin very, very slow, difficult work of bringing petrol prices down
Cauliflower obviously not a f**king roast
FOODIES are attempting to normalise the idea of cauliflower being the centrepiece of a roast dinner despite it having no right to be there.
While cauliflower is an ethical alternative to meat, people who like a good roast will never see it as anything but a side dish thankfully dunked in excessive amounts of cheese.
Josh Hudson of Plymouth said: “After going to a pub masquerading as a restaurant we were defrauded with a whole cauliflower head served like it was a haunch of venison.
“I get it’s veggie, but they have their lasagne option to pick from. Roasts are meat. Vegetables are just there because a plate of meat on its own would be too expensive, although much better.
“Don’t get me wrong, cauliflower has come a long way since my mum’s flavourless over-boiled florets. But the intact spherical version still tastes like arse. I wouldn’t serve up my own arse to friends on a Sunday, even if I did foam it in butter.
“I’m sorry but a dash of curry powder doesn’t make this better than a slab of cow or pig with singed skin. If this is pub grub today, consider me strictly cauliflower teetotal.”
Partner Charlotte Phelps said: “I have one of those weird diets where I’m vegetarian sporadically, which is healthier and trendier. But sometimes it’s nice to have a traditional Sunday corpse.”
Places in Britain ranked by the shitness of their regional insults
SHEFFIELD University has carried out a study of regional insults, most of which are stupid and make you sound like a halfwit yokel. Here is a sample in order of increasing shitness.
North West: pillock
A fairly lame term for a stupid person, but the main problem is that it feels very dated. They say it in Last of the Summer Wine, if further proof were needed. Ideal if you want to sound like a comedy Northerner, otherwise say ‘you stupid bastard’ and retain your dignity.
Yorkshire: minger
An unattractive person and a word overused by comedians and Radio 1 DJs because it’s amusingly juvenile, or was. It’s hard to know what’s worse, sounding like an annoying 14-year-old girl, or Chris Moyles. Actually it’s obviously the latter. Apologies to pain-in-the-arse teenage girls.
Cumbria: mayglem
What even is this? A truly obscure term meaning ‘simpleton’, it should rank far higher, but nobody will know what you’re talking about. An insect? A trade name for some construction product? Keep your weird Cumbrian ways to yourselves, thanks.
Midlands: daft apeth
Regional bollocks writ large. Repeat this term meaning ‘foolish person’ and people will assume you’re a twat who thinks coming from the Midlands makes you somehow gritty and authentic, like the MP Jess Phillips. You may also be in the habit of wanking on about ‘cobs’ which are no doubt ‘bostin’. Don’t. Shut up.
Scotland: numpty
A word meaning dimwit popularised by Billy Connolly. It’s one of those words that was once quite fun but is now an ancient relic from the 90s. Saying it makes you as on-trend as excitedly asking colleagues at the water cooler: ‘Oh my God, who saw This Life last night?’
Manchester: bobbins
Rubbish or poor quality, but not particularly biting or memorable as a pejorative. Peter Kay uses it in his stand-up routines, but you don’t have to copy everything Peter Kay does. Unless you’re at risk of a heart attack.
Scotland: glaikit
Another term that will baffle non-locals, broadly meaning ‘vacant’. Not as entertaining as other Scottishisms like ‘wee radge’ or ‘scoobied’, so frankly you may as well just say ‘vacant’.
Portsmouth: dinlo
Yeah, definitely go around saying this Portsmouth word for ‘idiot’ no one else in Britain has heard of. People will be forced to awkwardly say ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that’. Or, more likely, nod politely and then avoid the loony permanently.
London: muppet
Well-known London insult meaning foolish or incompetent person, now more associated with Danny Dyer, Gordon Ramsay and Guy Ritchie. Which makes it impossible to say without sounding like a twat of some description.
Nottingham: mardy git
God you sound like a moron using this ostentatiously regional term for someone who is moody or sulky. People will assume you live on a diet of pies and didn’t go to university. And they’ll be right.
Yorkshire: wazzock
Provincial, juvenile and not used for decades. Imagine saying this in a grown-up context such as a work meeting. You’ll sound like a total idiot, and co-workers will be wondering what bizarre, hopelessly outdated insult you’ll come up with next. ‘Wally’?
The Poke
Donald Trump just said the war with Iran was going ‘swimmingly’ and it turned out he’s not waving but drowning
Few leaders in world history have had the ability to confidently avoid the truth on camera quite like Donald Trump. The US President took some time out of his busy schedule ordering McDonald’s deliveries to the White House to share an update on his war with Iran. Mind you, this is a war that Trump […]
The Poke.
‘What are your favourite passive aggressive corporate phrases and what do they actually mean?’ – 23 translations necessary to navigate work
Working in an office in the days before the internet must have been great. If your line manager wanted to tell you to pull for your finger out and do some work, they’d have to physically come and speak to you. Which means, often, they wouldn’t have bothered, and you could have frittered away the […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump dismissed the Epstein survivors as ‘victims or whatever’ and it didn’t speak volumes, it bellowed them
The President of the United States appears to be trying just about everything he can to distract the public from the Epstein Files. The big orange man has attacked multiple countries, dismantled the American economy, and put the entire globe on alert for World War III, all in the last 4 months. And yet, the […]
The Poke.
Trump’s Treasury secretary just said Americans feel great about the economy, they just don’t know it – 15 people who knew precisely how they felt about that
The current US White House administration is full of billionaires who live in solid gold palaces. They desperately want to position themselves as the party of the people but any time they open their mouths they shatter that ilusion. The worst offender: Scott Bessent. With every new update on the economy, the US Treasury Secretary […]
The Poke.
Donald Trump said he’d ‘never heard of a corner store’ – 14 funniest and most on-point comebacks definitely worth ringing up
To the world – apologies – of Donald Trump, where the president has been doing his best to show some interest in the affordability crisis gripping the United States right now. Specifically, Trump has been talking corner stores, a phrase it turns out the president has never heard before. But don’t take our word for […]
The Poke.
