Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor’s Backyard

BROOKFIELD, WI—Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbor’s backyard. “As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and cremation in favor of having their children sneak into a neighbor’s garden when no one’s home to bury their bodies under the mulch,” said NFDA spokesperson Rachel Culver, whose organization projected that by 2030 a full 30% of Americans would be buried naked in an out-of-the-way spot where a neighbor was unlikely to discover their decaying body. “Burial in a neighbor’s backyard has many advantages over traditional options. The median cost of a coffin burial has skyrocketed to over $8,000, while the cost of a shovel has remained around $20. The backyard approach also doesn’t have the environmental impact of embalming or cremation, and neighbors really like how the azaleas start coming in after a secret burial. Relatives in mourning can visit their loved ones’ burial site anytime their neighbor is at work or asleep, and because funerals can be stressful and time consuming, there is a lot of appeal in just throwing the body over a fence and digging a hole behind the neighbor’s shed. It offers flexibility and only takes a few hours, depending on how deep you think the remains need to be placed to avoid detection. And it’s much less risky than other affordable alternatives, like sneaking them into a local landfill.” Culver added that despite the ease of burial in a neighbor’s backyard, many Americans were nonetheless opting to have their corpse dumped in the woods where bears could feast upon their flesh. The Onion.

Corn Named World’s Sexiest Plant

The Onion.

Lewis Hamilton Figures It Probably Too Late To Ask Girlfriend Which One She Is

The Onion.

Will Trump Running For Midterm President Help Down-Ballot Republicans?

The Onion.

Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI soundtrack would contain 10,000 songs by Randy Newman. “The music is an essential part of any Grand Theft Auto game, and fans are going to love robbing banks and dodging cop cars while blasting classic pop songs like ‘Short People’ and ‘Political Science,’” said lead developer Caleb Grothoff, claiming that every radio station in the game would be devoted to a different era of Newman’s darkly ironic and heartfelt discography. “Of course, with so much of the licensing budget going to the purchase of his entire catalog, we couldn’t afford any other music for the game’s missions, but we doubt players will care. If gamers aren’t a fan of his music, they don’t need to worry—we had Mr. Newman record hours of phone calls and podcasts, too. For those who want to hear some original audio of Randy Newman’s voice, they’ll be happy to learn we got him to record dialogue for more than 90% of the NPCs in the game.” Grothoff added that his team was also working on a DLC that would replace all the gunshots and car noises with various Newman grunts. The Onion.

Kelly Clarkson Releases New Single 'I'd Like To Speak With Your Manager'

LAS VEGAS, NV — Singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson's hit new single "I'd Like To Speak To Your Manager" is now available on Apple Music and Spotify.

Experts Theorize That Ancient Peoples From 1990s Were Able To Make A Season Of A TV Show In Less Than 3 Years

LOS ANGELES, CA — A bold new study theorizes that ancient peoples from the 1990s were able to make a season of a TV show in less than three years.

'This Is A Complete And Total Betrayal Of The Beloved Source Material,' Say Fans After Seeing New Trailer For 'Baywatch'

FRANKLIN, TN — Fandom of a revered intellectual property became outraged this week, as legions of loyal fans bemoaned what they saw as a desecration of their favorite stories after they watched the new trailer for the reboot of Baywatch.

Feds Inform Omar This All Could Have Been Legal If She Lived In Arkansas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Minnesota congresswoman still under scrutiny for alleged immigration violations, federal investigators informed Ilhan Omar that this all could have been legal if she had lived in Arkansas.

Youth Group Boy Doomed To Lifelong Singleness After Failing To Stack Chairs Correctly

SPRINGFIELD, MO — One young member of a local congregation found himself feeling despondent about his future, as the youth group boy was doomed to lifelong singleness after failing to stack chairs correctly.

Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores

If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores. And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact! A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.” The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.” Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.

Learning Their Lesson: SNL Has Announced Shane Gillis Is Only Welcome To Host Another Five, Six Times Tops

After firing him from their cast for past racist jokes, then inviting him back as a host three times, it looks like after Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue where he compared women wearing exercise clothing to “whores,” SNL has finally learned their lesson: The beloved sketch show has announced Shane Gillis is only welcome to host another five to six times, tops. Boom. Sorry Shane, but it looks like misogyny has no place on the hallowed SNL stage.  In a post to their official Facebook page, the show announced, “We are aware of the public reaction to guest host Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue. SNL has made the difficult decision to ban Shane Gillis from hosting our show any more than five, six more times, tops. While we believe that everyone deserves an eighth or ninth chance, and there are basically no other funny comedians, actors, or musicians we can think of to host our show, Shane’s comments crossed a line that SNL will only let him cross around a dozen times total.” Reactions in the post’s comments were mixed, with some saying that the punishment wasn’t harsh enough and that SNL should only welcome him back to host two to three times, whereas some were saying it was too harsh and they should make him a permanent cast member again but just not let him do as much sexist/racist stuff.  Damn. If SNL went this far, you know they were NOT happy about Shane’s “whores” joke. Hats off to SNL for standing up for women like this!

Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend

Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.” Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.  Talk about awkward!  Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.  Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:  Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.” Yikes? While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here. All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.

Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You

As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.  Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads. Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at. Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you. Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.

Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights 

Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights. Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special! Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have! Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you! Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works! Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!

Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones

AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.

Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.

DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI

WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Teenage couple almost convinced they like each other

Press scouring Britain for remaining Brexiters

THE UK’s media has announced it will not stop searching until it has found a critical mass of between three and 15 Brexiters angry at plans to reverse it.  The prime minister has dared to suggest that Britain would benefit from closer ties with the EU and, oddly, a nation which just seven years ago had a critical mass of No Deal nutters has not risen up in revolt against him. Sun journalist Nathan Muir said: “What happened? They can’t all have died. At least seven per cent were relatively young and healthy. “And it can’t be that they’ve looked rationally at the benefits Brexit has delivered and changed their minds, because these were not rational people. Facts made them angry. “But we’re trawling areas of high deprivation – Stoke-on-Trent, Lincolnshire, the whole of the North-East – and coming back with nothing. The passion’s gone. The best we’re getting are a few old crocks muttering about not wanting to go through all that again.” Hannah Tomlinson of Newsnight said: “It’s standard BBC practice to include a couple of raving lunatics for balance and then imply they’re the voice of the people, but where are they? Surely they’ve not all become Reform councillors. “Unless the whole 2016-2019 period was mass hysteria orchestrated by actors on social media. But no. Believe that, and you’ll start believing Boris Johnson wasn’t real.”

Pope’s rock and roll lifestyle finally catches up with him

POPE Leo has admitted to friends that his cancer diagnosis has been a wake-up call and a warning that he cannot live life in the fast lane forever.  The nodule found in the pontiff’s lung has been variously ascribed to his high-tar cigarette habit, roaring around St Peter’s Square on a Harley to impress girls and decades of knocking back three bottles of altar wine a night. A Vatican spokesperson said: “His Holiness had always assumed that God had him covered. But clearly he’s been on one incense-fuelled bender too many. “No amount of dreary sermons or road trips in his weird little car could offset the epic run he’s been on. You haven’t lived until he’s dragged you into some underground Catholic nightclub to snort lines of the sacrament off a nun. “But as he was saying in conversation with close friends Keith Richards and Johnny Depp yesterday, pray all you like but the body keeps the score. He’s getting old. No matter how much holy water he necks at night he’s hungover until 3pm. “No more lads’ trips to Our Lady of Lourdes, no more improvising a zipline through the Sistine Chapel, no more four-hour confession sessions detailing truly legendary depravity. From now on he’s limiting big nights to the weekends.” God said: “I hate to do this, but it’s time for the Pope to bring the party upstairs. We’ve got Ozzy and Keith Moon but without the L-dog it’s a bit of a snooze fest.”

I thought I was on a Tinder date, and now I’m White House press secretary

By Katie Zacharia, who only wanted to have an affair WHAT the f**k? Why am I at a podium? Who are all these people with microphones and questions? I thought I was on a Tinder date?  It’s so rare to meet a guy with conservative beliefs on the apps instead of all the soy boy liberals, so I was stoked. I sent all my hottest photos. I did the MAGA pout even if I can’t afford the face yet. He told me this was a restaurant. Then the guy I assumed was the maître d’ hands me a page of notes and shows me to my table, and it’s a podium in front of a bunch of journalists asking questions about the president? And the zinfandel I ordered is nowhere? Instead of my pre-prepared remarks about my marriage basically being over and my erotic fetish being tech billionaires encouraging the world to slide into fascism – sexy talk – I had to improvise. Gave some blather about Trump rallies being attended by 100 million. They asked about my law degree, which I’d expected, so I stonewalled about it being from China because they can’t check that, right? Who speaks Chinese except degenerates? The question about some ambassador I dodged by saying she was brilliant and wonderful and a team player and that’s why she was asked to resign, adapting what I’d planned to say about my husband on the fly. Got away with it. And I fielded an awkward question about my four kids – tech guys don’t like a used vagina, they always want boxfresh – with meaningless bullshit about how family friendly Trump is, which is true until ICE deports or shoots your dad. Which I approve of. Obviously. Anyway, I’ve got the job until at least Friday! I asked about sex. Apparently not directly but I do get to f**k over the whole world before it ghosts me. Not bad for a first date.

You’ve had more partners than me, and other reasons why we need an open marriage

TRYING to convince your wife she wants an open marriage? These are the reasons why you f**king around would only make your relationship stronger:  She’s had more partners than you Four boyfriends? That’s hardly fair. Yes, you’re claiming nine but everyone knows only a body count multiplication factor of four counts as equality between the sexes. ‘The deficit must be corrected,’ you explain, ducking a thrown wine glass. ‘It’s not about sex. It’s about fairness. I’d definitely stop once we’d evened up.’ You’ve become more attractive While the bloom is off her rose, you’ve improved with age. The grey in your hair gives you an edge of haughty maturity, while compared to your peers you’re not actually that fat. Once word is out you’re available, the knickers of local ladies will fly off with such force that the Met Office will issue a wind warning. It’s actually akin to a public service. You’re underappreciated at home She’s barely uttered those little three words ‘I love you’ since you started pestering her about ethical non-monogamy, replacing them with ‘for f**k’s sake’ and ‘not this again.’ She doesn’t get you. But others will see past the dad bod, hairy ears and large collection of cycling clothing to recognise the wild spirit within. She doesn’t want to do a particular sex thing You have recently – blame the internet – developed an interest in a niche sexual activity which your wife finds deeply unappealing. Therefore you must be fundamentally incompatible, and your needs must be met by another. You’ve been up all night on Feeld and have several likely candidates. Is it so hard to turn a blind eye? Your children have stolen your spark Several times a week you’re left with the children for as long as 90 minutes a go, and it’s left you emasculated and exhausted. The only solution is energetic sex with gorgeous women, which will definitely occur when you slide onto Tinder to delight them with a pic of you holding a pint at a wedding in 2014, captioned ‘just seeing what’s out there’.

Of all Trump’s new press secretary Katie Zacharia’s comically awful moments, it was surely this ‘Venezuela’ bit that totally took the biscuit

We can only hope that Donald Trump’s new press secretary Katie Zacharia is in the job for a very, very long time. Although, like our hope that the Democrats will finally get their act together – little bit of politics there! – we fear we are destined to be disappointed. Because so epically bad was […] The Poke.

JD Vance tried to make a homophobic joke about a political opponent and everyone laughed at Vance instead

Of all the horrible traits Magas display when they venture out into the public, their sense of humour might be at the very top (bottom?) of the list. Every time they try to crack a joke, it falls flat. Or is filled with hatred. Or is a little bit of both. One of the worst […] The Poke.

Trump lackey Mike Johnson just described his midterm election nightmare – and accidentally made the perfect case for democracy in the process

The scariest word in the Maga universe isn’t “trans” or “autopen” or “toupée.” It’s “accountability.” As in, once Magas get elected, what do they plan on doing to actually help their supporters? No one within Donald Trump’s orbit ever has a straight answer to that question, because so far, with control of all three branches […] The Poke.

An American said Europeans ‘couldn’t comprehend’ driving down a wooded country lane like this and these Europeans were only too happy to help

Time to return now to the culture wars between the United States and, well, basically the rest of the world. It’s this particular American dude who tried to clamber onto some kind of moral high ground when it comes to driving down a country lane in the woods. @CaseyBHead describes himself as a ‘salaryman and […] The Poke.

This so-called lazy meal had the internet gnashing its teeth, and earned a hot spot in the Hall of Fame

We all have those times when we really can’t be bothered making a proper meal from scratch, but we still have to eat – and that’s where our lazy meals come in handy. It might be noodles in a plastic pot, a bowl of cereal or a tin of spaghetti, for example. What it probably […] The Poke.