Natalie Harp Raids Trump’s Underwear Drawer

WASHINGTON—After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief’s briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump’s underwear drawer. “We heard muffled grunting and sniffing from behind the president’s door, and so our team burst in immediately to neutralize any potential threat—but it was just Ms. Harp going through his Hanes again,” said Secret Service agent Michael Donowitz, detailing how a panicked Harp dove to the floor and scurried under the bed as soon as she heard the doorknob turning. “Honestly, this is hardly a surprise. On numerous occasions we’ve found Natalie rooting around in the president’s closet as well as licking his dirty plates clean.” When asked for comment, Harp delivered a muffled, incomprehensible statement after shoving the yellowed pair of briefs into her mouth. The Onion.

Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum

WASHINGTON—As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. “Talarico says he was sick with the flu, but don’t believe the lies—I was held captive with him in the Ohio State Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane,” said Trump, adding that he would never trust the Texas Democrat to hold public office after watching “the lunatic” attack three nurses and urinate on an orderly. “Believe me, he was one of the worst guys in the madhouse. Every single day he would dislocate his shoulder and slip out of the straitjacket. They made the guy where a muzzle after he bit off my face.” Trump added that the only way he escaped Talarico’s wrath was by throwing a sink through a window and fleeing back to the White House. The Onion.

Macklemore or Less

The Onion.

Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become

You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still going strong. And, say, maybe this is just the neurosyphilis talking, but I’m honestly quite proud of what America has become. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ol’ Ben’s gone and gotten one too many venereal diseases in his system and now he’s spilling his heart out in some gushy, sentimental lovefest.” And I’ll admit, the bacteria carving my brain into Swiss cheese may have loosened my tongue to some degree. But when it comes to upholding the founding ideals of these United States, I think you’ve been doing pretty darn spedactic, hang on, spegact, fuck, sorry, spedaggle ugh guhhhhhhhh… Spectacularly. I think you’ve been upholding them spectacularly. True, I’ve heard some people raise concerns about the mass incarceration, or the surveillance of our own citizens, or the general erosion of democracy and civil liberties, but—and I’ll qualify this by noting that I’m a little loopy off some chancred-up trim I scored back in the 1750s—I think that’s all fine. Good, even. I’m maybe rolling a few too many mercury treatments deep to break down the hows and whys of it all for you, but my gut’s saying that America’s great, and you could dose me with all the penicillin in the world and I’d still tell you the same thing. Hell, chalk it up to my brain being swollen up plumper than those sweet French cans I caught scabies from back in Paris, but I’m even coming around on this whole “America is a Christian nation” thing, and I say that as a card-carrying deist. Sure, Jefferson and Madison might have written some stuff about separation of church and OW FUCK, MY BRAIN, excuse me, state. But I don’t know, I guess I think all that theocracy stuff’s just terrific, simple as that. One nice thing about having a decades-long STI bore through your central nervous system is it keeps you from overthinking things. Now, look—should I have been a little more diligent vetting all the pussy I got for inventing bifocals? Probably. Should I have wrapped my junk once or twice with some kind of lye-treated lamb intestine? Yeah, that coulda been smart. But now I’ve got pounding headaches and deafness and a skull the consistency of a wet graham cracker and, uh, huh, don’t remember where I was going with that. Maybe something about migrants or detention centers? I honestly have no idea. But, hey, that’s neurosyphilis for you! Anyway, take this with a grain of salt on account of how my brain’s all pus now, but I think this nation is doing amazing. I’m proud of you, and I believe in you, and when I see that beautiful Stars and Stripes still waving after all these years, it truly brings a tear to my eye. Ope, hang on, that’s blood. That’s a lot of blood. Still, though, the point stands.  The Onion.

America’s Greatest Inventions

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } America’s Greatest Inventions As they mark the nation’s anniversary, citizens are taking particular joy basking in the ingenuity, grit, entrepreneurial spirit, and work ethic that have made our country an unparalleled powerhouse of innovation. Here are the greatest American inventions. Explore the list in detail Hair Invented as a direct response to King George III’s Cue Ball Proclamation of 1763. Syphilis After being introduced to gonorrhea during his time as an envoy to France, Benjamin Franklin set out to create this uniquely American form of sexually transmitted illness. Ink Sacs Americans ingeniously evolved this defense mechanism to escape from underwater predators. Rock And Roll Invented by Thomas Edison. Honkymobile Henry Ford’s original name for the Model T, which he introduced in 1908 as an exclusive transportation method for the white race. Excitedly Cheering ‘Hot Dog!’ This uniquely American exclamation was easily one of the top two most significant discoveries of the Manhattan Project. Jimmy Carter The late president represents just one of more than 300 products that agriculturalist George Washington Carver derived from peanuts in the early 20th century. The Garbage Disposal Until this device’s introduction by GE in 1935, the idea of defecating in one’s kitchen sink was merely a pipe dream. Microwave Oven Created in the 1940s by physicist Percy Spencer, who was looking for a way to make food both squishy and scalding hot. LED Cross This energy-efficient cross allowed the KKK to commit hate crimes with 80 to 90% more efficiency than it could by simply burning one. The Ball Pit Created by NASA in 1966, this technology allows astronauts to simulate the experience of being submerged in a lunar alien nest. Ross Dress For Less Mastercard Looks like your out-of-office day is ruined now. Europe The continent of Europe was accidentally invented in 1982 by a couple of American scientists who were tinkering with landmasses. China We created them, and we can destroy them. The Onion.

Kelly Clarkson Releases New Single 'I'd Like To Speak With Your Manager'

LAS VEGAS, NV — Singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson's hit new single "I'd Like To Speak To Your Manager" is now available on Apple Music and Spotify.

Experts Theorize That Ancient Peoples From 1990s Were Able To Make A Season Of A TV Show In Less Than 3 Years

LOS ANGELES, CA — A bold new study theorizes that ancient peoples from the 1990s were able to make a season of a TV show in less than three years.

'This Is A Complete And Total Betrayal Of The Beloved Source Material,' Say Fans After Seeing New Trailer For 'Baywatch'

FRANKLIN, TN — Fandom of a revered intellectual property became outraged this week, as legions of loyal fans bemoaned what they saw as a desecration of their favorite stories after they watched the new trailer for the reboot of Baywatch.

Feds Inform Omar This All Could Have Been Legal If She Lived In Arkansas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Minnesota congresswoman still under scrutiny for alleged immigration violations, federal investigators informed Ilhan Omar that this all could have been legal if she had lived in Arkansas.

Youth Group Boy Doomed To Lifelong Singleness After Failing To Stack Chairs Correctly

SPRINGFIELD, MO — One young member of a local congregation found himself feeling despondent about his future, as the youth group boy was doomed to lifelong singleness after failing to stack chairs correctly.

Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores

If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores. And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact! A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.” The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.” Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.

Learning Their Lesson: SNL Has Announced Shane Gillis Is Only Welcome To Host Another Five, Six Times Tops

After firing him from their cast for past racist jokes, then inviting him back as a host three times, it looks like after Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue where he compared women wearing exercise clothing to “whores,” SNL has finally learned their lesson: The beloved sketch show has announced Shane Gillis is only welcome to host another five to six times, tops. Boom. Sorry Shane, but it looks like misogyny has no place on the hallowed SNL stage.  In a post to their official Facebook page, the show announced, “We are aware of the public reaction to guest host Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue. SNL has made the difficult decision to ban Shane Gillis from hosting our show any more than five, six more times, tops. While we believe that everyone deserves an eighth or ninth chance, and there are basically no other funny comedians, actors, or musicians we can think of to host our show, Shane’s comments crossed a line that SNL will only let him cross around a dozen times total.” Reactions in the post’s comments were mixed, with some saying that the punishment wasn’t harsh enough and that SNL should only welcome him back to host two to three times, whereas some were saying it was too harsh and they should make him a permanent cast member again but just not let him do as much sexist/racist stuff.  Damn. If SNL went this far, you know they were NOT happy about Shane’s “whores” joke. Hats off to SNL for standing up for women like this!

Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend

Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.” Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.  Talk about awkward!  Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.  Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:  Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.” Yikes? While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here. All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.

Drifting Apart: Your Old Childhood Friends Now Speak In Completely Different Memes Than You

As you age, it’s completely normal to feel less close to people you used to be tight with, and sadly, at this catch-up dinner with your old middle school friends, it’s become totally apparent just how far you’ve drifted away: your old childhood friends now speak in completely different memes than you.  Though you and this friend group might’ve basically shared a brain at one point, after a few years living in different cities post-grad, it’s like you no longer know the same language. For starters, they had absolutely no idea you were even trying to be funny when you described ordering mozzarella sticks as “kinda chic,” and when you later tried to get one of them to be quiet when the waiter arrived by quoting the iconic Love Island catchphrase, “You can pipe down, I’m Titi,” they looked at you like you have three heads. Of course, you didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about, either. When a large, loud family entered the restaurant, your friend said, “Looks like Homer let the Barts out,” which resulted in confused stares from everyone else, followed by a poor explanation from the friend who said it, followed by them forcing you to watch a three minute video that no one else laughed at. Sigh. You used to spend hours with these friends quoting Superbad, but now they’re practically strangers to you. Though it was still pleasant to get to spend time with old friends, your corners of the internet might be a little too disparate for you to ever recapture your former closeness. To cap it all off, when you got home, one friend sent a picture of Black Charlie Kirk to the group chat, which everyone else simply ignored. Such is the way with old friends—at least your new ones know what “reasons to get a bob” means.

Whatever Works! Your Dad Thinks About How Much You Piss Him Off When He Lifts Weights 

Finding motivation to go to the gym is hard enough, let alone pushing yourself through workouts once you’re there. Fortunately for your father, he has you to provide him with all the motivation he’ll ever need to stay physically fit: Your dad thinks about how much you piss him off when he lifts weights. Wow. To know your dad’s physique is fueled by everything about you that irritates him is incredibly special! Next time you encounter your dad lifting dumbbells in his home gym down in the basement, you can smile knowing he’s summoning adrenaline for each rep by ruminating on all the things about you that annoy, disappoint, and disgust him. It’s a testament to your dad’s resourcefulness that he’s not letting the revulsion he feels towards your politics, habits, and life choices go to waste, and instead, turning it into the little boost of energy he needs to hit new max after new max. Just like his knack for keeping the garage filled with random tools, spare parts, and nuts and bolts that he knows might come in handy one day, he’s held onto every little resentment he’s internalized since the very first time you didn’t express sufficient gratitude for all the sacrifices he’s made for your family — and judging by your dad’s biceps, come in handy they have! Your dad doesn’t perform a single squat without his most spoiled, entitled, regrettable child (you!) at the forefront of his focus. Initially, your dad began lifting weights for his own long-term well-being, seeing how your grandparents’ inactive lifestyles led to serious health and mobility issues for them later in life. But after six months of consistent weight-lifting, and hence, regular thinking about how much you piss him off to hype himself up on the weight bench, your dad’s now pumping iron just to avoid punching a hole in the drywall next to a framed photo of you! Your dad’s always preached practicality, and using the sense of letdown he feels whenever he looks at you to train to failure is no exception! Whatever works! Here’s to your dad putting his animosity towards you to a beautiful, productive purpose. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but a muscular body is the kind of reward that makes it all worth it to raise a child as disappointing as you!

Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones

AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.

Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.

DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI

WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the Defense Travel System and modified it to work properly.“This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.”Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt.“That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said.According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing Defense Department networks for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field.Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code.Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.”“The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one Cyber Command official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’”Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS.They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without completing annual training.The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically.“This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine.Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered.“One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.”Caine stared silently at reporters.“Think about what that means.”The intrusion spread rapidly.Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected.In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place.Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale.“If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.”Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another.The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them.“We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official.Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration.Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently.At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage.Paul Sharpe is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009.

Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke

SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed.“I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.”Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a new car at 24% APR, placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a San Diego strip club.“He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.”Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account.By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn.This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment.“Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said.Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged.“I don't know. Stuff?”Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation.They checked for gambling losses, allotments, cryptocurrency purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met.Nothing explained the missing money.“At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.”Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment.He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors.After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back.“Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said.Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection.“He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.”Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on.“He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.”She looked at Rattan.“He has $6 now.”Naval Criminal Investigative Service briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred.Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment.“The money definitely reached his account,” said one official.“What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.”Rattan remains optimistic.“I get paid again soon, right?” he asked.At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe.Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

How to arouse a man with a blatantly made-up story of your sexual past

HAVE you got a sexual past that so vanilla it could be in the freezer section at Asda, but want to appear less boring to a lover? Here’s how to craft a dubious erotic tale. Pick a suitable location An upmarket Parisian hotel with silk sheets is tempting, but a Travelodge near Slough works too, and is more believable if you’re a bit common. And the guy is here for an account of your ‘first lesbian experience’, not whether you had a pleasant stay at a reasonable price. It’s not the room service pizza he’s interested in you munching on. Don’t get preoccupied by details It doesn’t matter if you supposedly snogged a girl at V Festival in 2008 or 2009. ‘The Kooks were playing,’ is enough convincing detail, even if you think it might have been Razorlight. Definitely don’t start googling ancient festival line-ups, as that will be horribly frustrating for him. Unless he’s a tedious indie nerd who’s more interested in whether you saw Vampire Weekend than if you started fingering.  Remember he doesn’t really care if it’s true or not He’s not the National Crime Agency or an investigative journalist. He’s a man trying to get hard, not look for inconsistencies in your story. He’s not going to demand to know how you gave someone a risky handjob in Blockbuster while renting the 2018 film Black Panther when they closed in 2013. Hold off on being too enthusiastic You’re trying to get him hot and bothered with sex that you enjoyed pre-him. But you also shouldn’t get carried away describing the prowess and stamina of an ex-lover. The saucy scenario is just for foreplay, not for your bloke to worry about throughout intercourse and then lying awake at 4am feeling like a eunuch. Seriously consider making any male ex-partners micro-penised premature ejaculation victims. Men aren’t subtle. Don’t exaggerate too much He may be a modern man, but picturing you getting banged by random guys two at a time outside a nightclub in Faliraki in 2004 may not so much be ‘erotic’ as ‘totally horrifying’. It’s also not a turn-on for him if he feels he should visit an STD clinic urgently. Such extreme sexual scenarios may be all in a day’s work for Bonnie Blue, but a rule of thumb is: if you want to arouse a man, don’t put him off sex permanently.

How to get through the Sally Rooney book drought: A guide for middle-class households

WORRIED how you’ll get your fix of university students sadly having sex now that Sally Rooney has pulled her books from sale? Follow this survival guide. Stock up while you can Sally Rooney only withdrew her books from sale recently, meaning there’s probably still a few copies of Conversations with Friends waiting for you in Waterstones. Failing that, charity shops have enough of her novels to fill a wheelbarrow. Hoard them immediately because who knows when this drought will end, and it might take her years to write another glum story about a horny tree surgeon or whatever. Ration your copy of Intermezzo You remember Intermezzo. It’s Rooney’s fourth novel about chess and grief. For some reason you didn’t tear through it and decided to watch Instagram reels of cute puppies instead. Luckily your laziness has paid off, as you can now eke out its 448 pages. Read it one dreary sentence at a time and you should be good for the next decade. Read any of the many, many similar books Sally Rooney is a literary sensation, so publishers have saturated the market with anything bearing a passing resemblance to her work to make a quick buck. A creatively bankrupt business model, perhaps, but it means there are thousands of similar books about depressed middle-class women waiting for you to ‘enjoy’. Your gran’s probably got you one for Christmas already. Write your own literary fiction How hard can it be? Just write what you know. With any luck your novel about a sexually frustrated office assistant clamouring for a Sally Rooney novel could win the next Booker Prize. Change the names of awful characters based on your friends to cover your arse, chuck in a scene of horny yearning set in a Gail’s bakery, and you’re golden. Watch Normal People for the millionth time Admit it, you’ve never actually read any Sally Rooney. You just liked to look at their colourful covers on the book shelf and feel like part of a cultural conversation. But the BBC adaptation of Normal People, that’s a different story. You watched that repeatedly, and not just because it came out during lockdown and you’d exhausted conventional pornography. Stick it on again for that faux-intellectual hit.

Even I have my twat limits, says Musk

ELON Musk has confirmed that he may be a world-class twat but leaving Kyiv defenceless against missile attacks is beyond even him. The world’s richest man admitted he runs a social network solely to incite race war and cut the US government to pieces for fun, but denies any responsibility in shutting down Ukrainian missile defences out of spite. He said: “I think Ukraine should get a new president simply because I don’t like Zelensky’s smug face. However, I’m not involved in this particular act of f**kery. “As political observers know, my attempt to play a key role in Trump’s administration ended with me being out-twatted by the man himself, and I fear much the same has happened here. “I consider myself an evil genius, like a deeply cringe Bond villain, but it’s genuinely humbling to see how much devastation Trump can cause by being unintelligent, self-absorbed and viciously vengeful. “So no, this one is not on me. Just putting that one out there for the Tesla shareholders. Which isn’t to say I don’t admire the sheer pettiness of it.” Russian president Vladimir Putin said: “Elon is a dickhead, but a world-class dickhead? No. You can’t honestly put him up there with me, Donald and Bibi.”

M&S follows crotchless underwear with quiche with tits

MARKS & Spencer is following up its new sexy underwear range with an erotic revamp of its popular food products. After opting to sell suspender sets and crotchless panties, the supermarket feels highly sexualised food items are what typical middle-class female customers in their 50s want. Marketing director Nathan Muir said: “Our famous quiche Lorraine will now have 36D breasts, erotically sculpted from creamy egg custard and maple-cured bacon with a cherry tomato nipple. “For too long food at gatherings has suffered from a lack of overt sexuality, and if male customers want to find another personal use for a quiche with two large, firm breasts, no one is judging their sexual choices. But maybe don’t eat that bit. “Fans of our ready meals won’t be disappointed either, as lasagnes and cottage pies will now feature a vagina designed by British artist Tracey Emin from a cast of her own fanny. Percy Pigs, meanwhile, will now be fully engorged.” Stores are already reporting a downturn in sales, but Muir said: “This happens every time we try to be trendy twats and alienate our traditional customer base, but the publicity might be worth it. It’s hard to tell.” M&S shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not against sex, but I don’t want a child’s birthday cake called Colin the Cock. Now I’ve got to get one of those lame copies with a name like Lucas the Larva.”

Teenage couple almost convinced they like each other

A protestor just brutally heckled Pete Hegseth and people reckoned you could see his tough guy act fade away in real time

Of all the idiots stumbling around the White House under Donald Trump’s leadership, Pete Hegseth ranks near the top when it comes to “people not in any way qualified to lead complex operations that could result in the deaths of thousands.” And yet here he is, still serving as Secretary of Defense, sorry, War,  and […] The Poke.

People shared the obvious lies that a roomful of people believed anyway – 17 whopping untruths that you just go along with

Sometimes lies are so convincing that they pass by completely undetected. Then there are fibs which people know aren’t true, yet still go along with anyway. These aren’t always white lies either. Massive mistruths are accepted more often than you think. To highlight some of the biggest ones that people haven’t argued, u/No_Document4067 put the […] The Poke.

‘What’s something that isn’t worth the effort once you hit 30?’ – 17 parts of life people are happy to leave in the past

Turning 30 can seem like a formidable milestone. There’s a lot of pressure to have your life sorted by that age, and people think it’s all downhill from there. This is, of course, nonsense. Being in your thirties can actually be incredibly liberating, and in reality you’re still just starting out on this journey we […] The Poke.

An over-excited Maga accused a Polish politician of being ‘part of the problem’ in Ukraine and his A++ comeback was properly devastating

As if the Ukraine war could possibly get any more devastating, Donald Trump appears to be aligning himself closer than ever to Vladimir Putin, leaving Ukraine susceptible to Russian attacks like it has never been before. Not least Elon Musk’s essential Starlink system, which appears to have been restricted in recent days with horrifying consequences. […] The Poke.

Someone asked about folks who have ‘friction with their in-laws’ – 21 people who married into extreme irritation

Getting married is a double-edged sword, isn’t it? On the one hand you get to spend eternity with the love of your life. And on the other, you have to spend it with their family too. Who, in many cases, are a royal pain in the bum. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskUK […] The Poke.