Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful surprise,” said Emile Bernier, a mischievous smile spreading over his face as he lifted a silver cloche to display an empty foam tray with a large USDA sticker clearly visible on the torn cling wrap. “That almost buttery filet mignon you’ve all been savoring was sourced by our very own U.S. Department of Agriculture. Oh, what’s the matter? You’’re suddenly all so pale. Come now, there’s no shame in expanding your palate a little, is there?” At press time, nauseated guests had begun fleeing the dining room before Bernier even had the chance to reveal that their salad greens had been thoroughly inspected by the FDA. The Onion.

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? “He must have an incredible sense of smell.” Ritche Acevedo, Menu Approver “Now imagine how unstoppable he’d be if he were also deaf and stoned.” Blake Peck, Sock Packager “Anything’s possible with a little liquid courage.” Lula Kerr, Systems Analyst The Onion.

Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script 

LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr. Toffee now,” said a low, menacing voice that came from behind a blaring spotlight as a frightened Momoa stammered that he did not have enough time to star in another video game adaptation with the press cycle for Street Fighter coming up. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. All you have to do is put on this hat and monocle, and read the part where you say ‘I sell the best sweets in all of Candy Town.’ Remember, we know where your children are. You wouldn’t want us to have to repeat what we did for A Minecraft Movie, would you?” At press time, Momoa had escaped the warehouse only to be immediately abducted by producers for a Subway Surfers adaptation. The Onion.

NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump. Explore the list in detail Christian McCaffrey 49ers running back “Try to get a little hurt every day all the time.” Justin Herbert Chargers quarterback “Just because someone in the stands is wearing a jersey with your last name on it doesn’t mean you’re related to them. In fact, it usually means the opposite.” George Kittle 49ers tight end “The yellow first-down line is only visible on TV. Same with the grass. Games are shot on a soundstage, and they add all that stuff in post.” C.J. Gardner-Johnson Bills safety “Trash talk is an art. You have to get inside the receiver’s head. Find out where he went to elementary school. Find out the name of his childhood dentist. Find out why his parents stopped taking him there. Then, on third-and-eight, simply whisper, ‘Dr. Valenti.’” Mÿles “Garrett” Gärrättinen Rams defensive end “Heads-up, you can’t be openly Finnish in the NFL—the culture’s just not there yet.” Micah Parsons Packers defensive lineman “Getting a sack feels wonderful because you have spent the entire play chasing a man and finally you catch him and get to lie on top of him for a little while. I recommend sacking as much as you can!” Joe Burrow Bengals quarterback “Don’t eat any glowing stuff that says ‘DO NOT EAT.’” Josh Allen Bills quarterback “When you first set foot on that field, take it in and enjoy the moment. Breathe in the air, take in the sounds. Climb into the stands, wear a fan’s hat. Go to the concession stand and buy a Coke, the biggest size they have. Drink all of it. Go to the bathroom.” T.J. Watt Steelers linebacker “Aaron Rodgers will offer you unpasteurized milk from his house. Don’t drink it. He doesn’t have cows—we think he’s making it himself.” The Onion.

Katherine Lee

The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The Onion.

10 Ways To Entertain Your Toddler

Raising a toddler can be a challenge, but entertaining your toddler can be even more difficult. It's not uncommon for parents to run out of ideas for ways to keep kids busy. The Babylon Bee is here to help.

Mitch McConnell Returns To Senate As Force Ghost

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the mainstays of America's legislative branch was once again seen roaming the corridors of the U.S. Capitol building, as Mitch McConnell returned to the Senate as a Force ghost.

Savannah Bananas Manager Chews Out Player For Not Goofing Around

SAVANNAH, GA — Fans at Sunday's Savannah Bananas game at historic Grayson Stadium were shocked to see an element of seriousness infiltrate their beloved sport, as Manager Tyler Gilum publicly chewed out one of his players for not goofing around.

Sydney Sweeney Tries To Gain Support Of Liberal Women By Murdering Multiple Children

LOS ANGELES, CA — Scandal struck Hollywood this week, as actress and businesswoman Sydney Sweeney attempted to gain support among liberal women by murdering multiple children.

Study: Majority Of Christians Will Replace Holy Spirit With ChatGPT By 2028

U.S. — According to a new study conducted by the Barna Group, a majority of Christians were likely to replace the Holy Spirit with ChatGPT by the year 2028.

Anyone Who Tells You ‘Riding Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage Won’t Get You Any Pussy’ Has Clearly Never Ridden Around In A Horse-Drawn Carriage

I hear a lot of bullshit.  But nothing gets the smoke pouring out of my ears quite like when I overhear someone say, “You know…” “…Riding around in a horse-drawn carriage won’t get you any pussy.” You’ve gotta wonder whether the type of Einsteins who go around spouting off that kind of nonsense have any experience at all holding the russet leather reigns of a Glinkowski X-Line series. Hearing the clip-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement. Feeling the frustration of the traffic around you as you slow it down and lay horse apples in its path. Dealing with the confusion when a young couple on a date asks if you’re available for hire and you tell them, “No, this is just how I get around.” Now, I’m not saying that riding around in a horse-drawn carriage gets you a ton of pussy, but to say it won’t get you any pussy is one of the biggest pussy-getting myths out there. As much pussy as driving a Ferrari? I wouldn’t know. But definitely as much if not more than driving a relatively new Subaru Forester. Women love horses, and while they aren’t particularly into the carriage part, giving women a reason to talk to you in the first place is pussy-getting step numero uno.  Pussy-getting step numero dos is establishing trust, and riding around in a horse-drawn carriage does have its pros and cons in that regard. It’s definitely tough to stop to talk to women for any length of time while the horses are getting antsy and going to the bathroom a lot in one spot. It’s also not the greatest method of transportation for offering them rides, because they (correctly) assume it’s going to take a lot longer to get where they’re going than just calling an Uber. But, at least owning a horse-drawn carriage establishes that you’re responsible enough to own a horse-drawn carriage, and that could definitely help build up that all-important pussy-getting trust. Ultimately, if you want a woman’s panties hanging from the rear-view mirror of your horse-drawn carriage, it’s going to be a long road of making a good first impression, getting to know her, charming her, establishing your compatibility with her, proving that you have something to offer, and eventually bringing your relationship to the point of commitment that she feels comfortable sleeping with you. And hey, you’ve got the perfect place to do that right behind you and your horses! So don’t let the haters say you’ll never get any pussy from riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Establishing a romantic connection with women is a challenge no matter if you’re riding around in a horse-drawn carriage, a one-man dirigible, or a penny-farthing bicycle. And hey, not everything is about getting pussy, right? Sometimes riding around in something is simply its own reward.

Heartbreaking: This Girl Makes Like $200K But Her Home Still Looks Like Shit

Money can buy you a lot of things, but it can’t buy you taste. Case in point: this girl makes like $200K but her home still looks like shit. Just heartbreaking. Although 38-year-old Rebecca Childers makes well above the average salary in her Detroit suburb, her guests would never be able to tell, because her home perpetually looks like she threw a huge rager with the theme of “trailer trash” the night before. That said, if she actually did clean up the piles of old takeout containers and cat hair littered about the place, that would only reveal more of her decorating attempts, which presumably went as follows: buying whatever random crap was on sale at HomeGoods, running it over with a car, then haphazardly taping it to the wall. You probably have like a million dollars in savings, Rebecca! CB2 exists for people like you! Even worse, though, is the fact that Rebecca actually enjoys living like this. She has no qualms about living in a $750K condo that looks more like a frat house, which is why her visitors will never hear anything to the effect of “I’m sorry it’s so messy,” or “apologies for the piss and shit smell masked horribly by Febreze.” Whether she loves the piss and shit smell, or if she’s just so used to it she can’t smell it anymore, it doesn’t matter. This is how she’s chosen to live, and if anyone makes the mistake of coming over, that’s on them. Sigh… Well, at least she’s happy! And after all, what’s better? To be a rich slob with trash and Live Laugh Love signs everywhere, or to be a neurotic snob with no disposable income of which to speak? Sound off below!

Sex Positivity FTW! AMC Theaters Employees Will Now Spit In Your Popcorn If That’s Your Thing

For most companies, issuing a public statement on anything kink or fetish-related only happens when something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Not for sex positive, forward-thinking companies like AMC Theaters, which just announced that their employees will now split in your popcorn if that’s your thing. How cool is this? If you’re a cinephile who gets off on other people’s spit, AMC sees you! In a press release this morning, AMC Theaters proudly revealed that all their locations will officially begin accommodating customers with spit kinks. Moviegoers who identify as salivary fetishists may now request any employee over the age of 18—including but not limited to concession stand workers, custodians, projectionists, and corporate executives—to spit in their popcorn for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, with no limits on how many different employees they can ask to spit in their popcorn, nor how many times they can ask any one given employee to hawk one in their concession stand treat. “Kink-shaming has no place at AMC,” explained AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron in the sex positive company statement. “Just as we accommodate non-perverts with butter dispensers for their popcorn, saliva perverts now have a spit dispenser in any AMC employee that is over the age of 18 (WARNING: if you ask an employee under 18 years-old to spit in your popcorn, we will have you arrested, then hang a framed photo of you at the front of the theater warning the public about your soliciting a minor). Any movie lover who wants to get their rocks off by having a stranger spit in their food is welcome in our business, and our employees are here to help. That includes me. Anywhere, anytime. Spit’s your thing. Crafting an incredible theatergoing experience is ours.” There’s no doubt about it: AMC Theaters is the most sex positive theater chain in the entire world! Kudos to AMC for walking the walk when it comes to fostering an inclusive environment for everyone, not just people who don’t get aroused when other people spit in their food. Streaming be damned, going to the movies is so back!!!

Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period

Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period. Now that’s how you treat women right! Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding. So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!  But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast! So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!

Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad

Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad. What a bummer.  While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read. With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).” Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.

Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.”Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room.Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions.Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room.DB: Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue?HEGSETH: I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again.DB: You keep mentioning limp dicks.HEGSETH: Of course I do. Have you seen one?DB: Yes.HEGSETH: Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning.DB: Why would I—HEGSETH: I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered.Soft packages everywhere.Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles.This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast.DB: Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room?HEGSETH: I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it.DB: Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone?HEGSETH: RFK and I have discussed this extensively.DB: That doesn't answer the question.HEGSETH: Science is about observing things.I'm observing.DB: The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately.HEGSETH: Temporary tactical pause.DB: So the testosterone policy went soft?HEGSETH: Don't write that.DB: Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks.HEGSETH: That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists.You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality.DB: What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones.HEGSETH: Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone.DB: You previously included Biden administration policies on that list.HEGSETH: Have you ever read a DEI memo?My testosterone dropped just saying the letters.DB: Will every male service member over 30 be tested?HEGSETH: That's the idea.DB: Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal?HEGSETH: Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization.DB: Meaning?HEGSETH: If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system.But yes, we'll take care of him.Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular.DB: And female service members?

25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally

WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower.The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember.They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy.To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went.The wars that followedMeet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in AfghanistanAt a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised.Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspiredThe post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity.Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractorAmerica’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes.9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military membersThe military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.”Never forgetMarine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anythingThe national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories.Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New YorkAfter years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status.Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement.SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare handsThe United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength.The conspiracy front remains active‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early.CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside jobFor years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment.9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling buildingInvestigators described the incident as structurally significant.At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.

Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone

For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos

WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.

Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed

Britain in no place to sneer at village’s stupid separatist referendum

THOSE mocking the idiotic Piddington referendum that will achieve nothing have been reminded this is a bit rich coming from Britain.  While it is easy to laugh at an Oxfordshire village’s pathetic publicity stunt of an independence referendum, which will tarnish its reputation for generations to come, it is also easy to compare it to a similar decision made by the nation ten years ago. Piddington resident Julian Cook said: “Going it alone as a village of 350 people might seem ludicrous – if not suicidal – to the rest of the country. But to that we say: pot, kettle. “How can you criticise us for being plucky underdogs who are daring to challenge the democratic process? You guys love that shit. A principled, moronic decision made with a strong undercurrent of racism? We’d crush it in the polls. “No, we wouldn’t be able to support ourselves economically if we left Britain. Yes, we’d need passports and customs checks to do the big shop. Absolutely we’d pay far more for essential services and all be poorer. But as above, so below. “If the roaring success of Brexit has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need to sweat the details. If you wing it, everything will work out fine. It’s all sunlit uplands from here.” Remain voter Hannah Tomlinson said: “Do they have to be so obnoxiously brash about their decision? 26 people voted no, and their feelings should be respected too.”

Nobody gives a f**k about the f**king support act

NOBODY ever has or ever will give even half a f**k about the support act no matter who they are, gig-goers have reassured Ed Sheeran.  Following a row about Macklemore’s pro-Palestine comments, Sheeran has been left with no support acts for the remainder of his US tour but has been assured that not one member of his paying audience will even notice. Music journalist Tom Logan said: “Even arriving when the support is still playing is a cardinal error. The experienced gigger is thoughtful enough to wait in the bar until they finish. “Who was going to an Ed Sheeran concert to hear Macklemore, whose last hit went straight in at number 48 in 2017? Nobody. Those unfortunates securing a good place at the front wouldn’t have known who he was until Thrift Shop.  “Musicians book a support act because it provides them with someone to be much better than as a flattering comparison. Kicking them off a tour is as momentous to the paying public as changing the drum roadie.” He added: “Also, the efficacy of shouting ‘Free Palestine!’ at gigs has been thoroughly tested over the last 50 years and been found to make no difference whatsoever. So you’d be alright not bothering.”

One-night stand seeks online review and feedback

A WOMAN’S one-night stand has followed up on their sexual encounter with a request that she post feedback and a review on his profile.  Sophie Rodriguez met Jack Browne at a Sam Smith concert on Saturday, went home with him, had full intercourse and left the following day with every expectation she would never hear from him again. She continued: “Instead, first thing Tuesday morning I receive an email. Apparently he’s ‘keen to learn if she would recommend the service to friends and family’. “Yes, I suppose I have given appraisals of his performance to friends, but I’m less ready to put it on permanent record even if there is an AI assist feature.” Browne said: “Word of mouth is the best way to promote myself and even create repeat custom. Requesting an online review should become standard practice. “It helps me improve. Was the cunnilingus of acceptable quality? Should the dirty talk be intensified or cut back? Should I have offered a larger selection of breakfast cereals? All helpful to grow the brand. The email says ‘Thank you for choosing Jack Browne. We hope you enjoyed your experience’.” Rodriguez said: “I gave four stars and elected not to receive further marketing material.”

Not fancying you, and other annoying habits of middle-class student girls

STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits:  Not fancying you While wilfully being attractive, the nice girls suddenly surrounded by are annoyingly sensible about who they sleep with, and how long it takes them to decide to. Is it too much to ask that universities are required by law to include ‘ease of getting laid’ in their prospectuses? Having oddly-named friends  Hang out with middle-class-verging-on-posh girls and you will discover a social circle filled with Arabellas, Octavias, Harriets and maybe even a Jocasta. Worse are the nicknames: Minty? Cheski? Boodie? Were they made to swap names with their horses? Making the most of university life Nice girls fling themselves into activities such as rowing or the debating society, tempting you to follow. But nobody, however lovely, is worth getting up at 6am to sit on a cold, wet, miserable river for. Or worth listening to smartarse debates by 18-year-old twats who want to be Tory MPs for. Questionable music taste Uni has always been about being into cool bands, but trying to pull a girl devoted to an artist who was her favourite at her Gloucestershire grammar school is work. After your third Idles gig, you’ve been preached at so much you’d rather go to f**king church. Having privileged existences Young women at the upper end of the middle-class affluence scale do not realise it. It’s disconcerting when they say ‘You mean you’ve never been to Santa Fe?’ totally aghast, as if you’d just admitted your family lives in a sewer pipe. Their alternative lifestyle choices All students explore alternative choices at uni, not least middle-class girls finally free of their parents. Typically that means veganism or New Age woo, both equally hard to put up with. Eventually you will say ‘No, Olivia, I am not going with you to the Cornwall Festival of Druidism.’ Already having boyfriends  It’s disappointing in any circumstances to discover someone you fancy is attached. However at least at university this is the smallest romantic challenge you face, because as everyone knows sixth-form boyfriends last until mid-October.

Sussexes’ children leave school after Meghan gate catfight

Donald Trump started calling this American lawmaker names so she gave every bit as good as she got and it’s just brilliant

Like us you might not have come across American congresswoman Joyce Beatty but once you watch this you surely own’t be able to forget her. Beatty clashed with Donald Trump after a judge rejected his demand to add his name to the Kennedy arts centre, of which she is a board member. Which the president […] The Poke.

Tantrum Trump will permanently block the Kennedy Center from reopening unless they put his name on it – 17 scathing takedowns

The world’s biggest toddler and the President of the USA should ideally be two different people, and yet here we are. The Oval Office Orange is having a strop of epic proportions because – yet again – a court has blocked his name from being displayed on the John F Kennedy Memorial Center. This was […] The Poke.

Richard Tice complained that a Sky News journalist had become an ‘anti-Reform activist’ and was schooled into next year

Time now to turn to the world of Richard Tice, the increasingly angry Reform UK deputy party leader who’s not happy with Sky News, he’s not happy with Sky News at all. Specifically he’s not happy with the widely respected and multiple award winning journalist Cathy Newman who he has accused of being an ‘anti-Reform […] The Poke.

25 of the Funniest Posts We’ve Seen on Bluesky This Week

Hello, and welcome to the Poke’s round-up of the funniest things we’ve seen on Bluesky since last week. We’re heading to the long slide into the weekend, and that has to be a cause for celebration. If you find something that makes you laugh, show it some love. If we missed a banger that you […] The Poke.

Tory Lord Mark Harper tried to break the world record for repeatedly dodging the question, and you could almost see Victoria Derbyshire’s last nerve

The village of Piddington in Oxfordshire has been in the news after residents staged protests over plans to house around 1250 male asylum seekers in a nearby military base. In a village referendum on whether to withdraw from the UK, they voted to leave by 285 to 26, plus one spoiled ballot. The vote carries […] The Poke.