The Onion
‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver
LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal place, and Whalefall is no different,” said Kraus, who quoted the adage “Write what you know” and explained that, in his case, that meant an incident that took place “somewhere in Florida” in the early ’90s. “As soon as I had my first taste, I thought, ‘That’s a movie.’ Naturally, I changed some details to make the story more dramatic. For example, instead of me, it’s a 60-ton sperm whale, and in my case, of course, the guy didn’t survive. But the core of the story is still the same. Both guys spent a lot of the time screaming.” At press time, Kraus announced his next project would be about a whale who killed a teenager with his car.
The Onion.
Druid Loving This Cloak Weather
HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing better than when you feel that first nip in the air and get to throw on your heavy bull-hide cloak,” said the chief-ollam, who noted that he spent the whole year looking forward to roving out amongst the beautiful autumnal foliage while carrying his quarterstaff. “I’m a total cloak season type of guy: Brewing up big, steaming mugs of mistletoe elixir. Long nights getting cozy inside and divining Ogham staves. Gosh, and celebrating Mabon! I can’t believe I almost forgot the Mabon. If it gets any colder, I might throw on my big antlered headpiece, too.” Fográith added that he was especially looking forward to enjoying the first frost by building a fire under a wicker man and watching his human sacrifice go up in flames.
The Onion.
LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute
The Onion.
Trump Boasts Tariffs A Huge Success At Making Things Expensive
WASHINGTON—Touting the enormous impact his trade policy has had on the economy, President Donald Trump boasted in a speech Monday that the tariffs he had imposed on goods from other countries had proven highly successful at making things more expensive. “Thanks to my tariffs, the cost of buying virtually anything is now bigger and better than ever before,” said Trump, who added that he was happy to take “full credit” for the surging prices Americans were seeing for everything from gas to eggs to dishwasher detergent. “For years, things were affordable, and no other president had done anything about it. But I delivered in a huge way on my promise to make the purchase of basic household staples a complete nightmare. If voters want to see more of this, they should remember to show up at the polls in November.” Trump also boasted that the Iran war had finally allowed the United States to successfully close the Strait of Hormuz.
The Onion.
‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set
The Onion.
ClickHole
An Interesting Detail About Her Past: Mom Just Casually Revealed She Had 18 Kids With Another Man Before She Married Dad
Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting:
Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad.
Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together.
Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.”
Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.”
After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked.
Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!
Heartbreaking: There’s Not A Single Outfit This Man Can Pull Off
Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off.
Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them.
Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look.
He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look.
He’s tried a leather jacket.
He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants.
But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume.
Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt.
Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier.
Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off.
There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him.
To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing.
All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.
Making Things Right: SNL Has Donated $1,000 To Whores
If you’re a comedy fan, then you’ve undoubtedly heard about Shane Gillis’s controversial opening monologue on SNL last weekend, where he compared women who wear revealing clothing at the gym to “whores.” Well, there’s no need to boycott SNL, because they’ve stepped up to do the right thing: SNL has donated $1,000 to whores.
And that, folks, is how you keep your reputation as a comedy institution intact!
A representative for the beloved, long-running sketch comedy show said in a statement, “Shane Gillis’s recent jokes about whores do not represent the values of Saturday Night Live. SNL stands by whores no matter how filthy, run-through, and scabbed up they are. That is why we have decided to donate $1,000 to whores, to be distributed via $1 bills scattered around nasty-ass alleyways and drug dens throughout the city.”
The statement continued, “After picking up the wrinkled-up dollar bills out of puddles and dumpsters, the whores are free to spend the money as they wish, whether it be on slutty little outfits to wear to the gym, used needles, or cheap mascara they can use to conceal their street-worn, rough-around-the-edges appearances. One thousand dollars is what a typical cheap, dirty little whore would make in a month giving handjobs to methed-out truck drivers, and dollar bills make great little tubes for snorting drugs off of another whore’s ass as well, so this $1,000 will undoubtedly be a great boon to the whore community.”
Thank you, SNL. THIS is how you make things right.
Learning Their Lesson: SNL Has Announced Shane Gillis Is Only Welcome To Host Another Five, Six Times Tops
After firing him from their cast for past racist jokes, then inviting him back as a host three times, it looks like after Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue where he compared women wearing exercise clothing to “whores,” SNL has finally learned their lesson: The beloved sketch show has announced Shane Gillis is only welcome to host another five to six times, tops.
Boom. Sorry Shane, but it looks like misogyny has no place on the hallowed SNL stage.
In a post to their official Facebook page, the show announced, “We are aware of the public reaction to guest host Shane Gillis’ recent opening monologue. SNL has made the difficult decision to ban Shane Gillis from hosting our show any more than five, six more times, tops. While we believe that everyone deserves an eighth or ninth chance, and there are basically no other funny comedians, actors, or musicians we can think of to host our show, Shane’s comments crossed a line that SNL will only let him cross around a dozen times total.”
Reactions in the post’s comments were mixed, with some saying that the punishment wasn’t harsh enough and that SNL should only welcome him back to host two to three times, whereas some were saying it was too harsh and they should make him a permanent cast member again but just not let him do as much sexist/racist stuff.
Damn. If SNL went this far, you know they were NOT happy about Shane’s “whores” joke. Hats off to SNL for standing up for women like this!
Messy Love Pentagon: This Woman Just Discovered Her Work-Husband’s Gym-Wife Is Her Real Husband’s Ex-Classroom-Crush’s Dog-Park-Girlfriend
Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.”
Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend.
Talk about awkward!
Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi.
Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way:
Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.”
Yikes?
While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here.
All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.
Duffel Blog
US to livestream execution of Ukraine
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.
Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric
TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate."Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?"Zolfaghari made the remarks following Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's announcement that Hasan, convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public."We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it."In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes."Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend."Iranian officials were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes."An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators."The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality."Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?"He shook his head."That's a very dangerous path."Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal.One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations."Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers."President Donald Trump defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions."We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not."Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though Pentagon officials emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines.The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution would no longer be livestreamed following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public.Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community."We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for human rights that we have."At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement.Tony is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.
Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones
AUSTIN, Texas — Veteran-owned apparel company ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more homoerotic imagery.“We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.”He shook his head.“That just doesn’t move product like it used to.”Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as competing veteran brands but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men.“We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.”ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.”New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained.“It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983. Think gym locker room. Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.”One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed Union cavalrymen beneath the slogan:WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN.Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity.“These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.”The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest.“Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of two Marines wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.”He purchased three.ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.”At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless Green Berets repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.”Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace infantry soldiers with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner.The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a 70% VA disability rating by age 28. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough.“We thought AI could finally solve the Army’s recruiting problem by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.”The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain.“Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down.The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter.“We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.”The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of Army field manuals, decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of infantry doctrine.Problems surfaced during its first field exercise.According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal.Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that carrying an M240, ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad.The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.”Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive.Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.”Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed Army regulations.“We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said.Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after losing a sensitive item.Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward.The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers.Officials called the results “catastrophic.”Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment.It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a Dodge Charger at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.”Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%.PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest.“These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.”The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions.The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators.Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion.PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state.Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence.“Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.”PrivateGPT has since been transferred to the Air Force, where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break.It reenlisted almost immediately.
Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.”The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “Air Force-like experience.”“We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are."He paused."Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’”According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties.The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers.“She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.”Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title.“We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said.The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, office snacks and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations.“It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.”Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level.“If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.”The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers.
Daily Mash
New dance show inspired by David Bowie because his fans pay for anything Bowie-related
I got completely shitfaced at a gastropub: my story
THEY sell pints. but we all know they’re actually about the fancy food. Yet I dared to dream, challenged the herd and got absolutely wrecked at a country gastropub.
I was not, of course, foolish enough to let them know. I ordered my oven-baked artisan bread with aged balsamic glaze as if I was an ordinary punter with a Land Rover Defender parked outside, casually throwing in ‘oh, and a bottle of the Chenin Blanc’.
They brought two glasses. I contrived the impression my companion would be joining me shortly, and that I was only perusing the menu until then. When the waitress returned, with half the bottle gone, I suavely ordered a second while enquiring about gluten-free options.
On my way to the gents – humorously marked with a stag’s head – I popped between the men in Barbour jackets and called for three pints of Wye Valley Butty Bach and a double vodka Red Bull, rolling my eyes at the latter as if it was for a son down from Oxford.
So by the time they realised I had no intention of ordering the pan-seared cutlet of Herefordshire pork, I was already 12 units to the good with more to go. And that’s when I began seriously drinking.
I cleared the wine. I necked the pints. I considered the vodka Red Bull an amuse bouche before the main course of a full-bodied Châteauneuf-du-Pape. There I was, seated alone amid a sea of families in Hunter wellingtons, pissed as arseholes.
They tried to stop serving me. I threatened to make a scene, right there under their original oak beams dating from 1503, and they soon shut up and brought my champagne. A round of cognacs later and I staggered out, unable to clearly see.
I had done it. I had used a pub for its actual British purpose, not to eat a load of poncey food while being looked at by a chocolate Labrador. Yes, I was six miles from the nearest bus route with no taxis until next Wednesday, but f**k it, I’ll sleep in a hedge.
How to convincingly claim ‘it was you, all along’ – the woman’s guide to settling
GOT an ex or male friend who, as 35 approaches, looks better and better? Here’s how to convince him and yourself that he was always the one:
Admit you were shy
Never mind all the other blokes you were shagging. You blocked him two years ago because you were afraid of your deep emotional connection and had the reticence of a virgin, not because he was tight and obsessed with football stickers. Given the options you now have, hearing about tracking down a 2002 Shay Given shiny isn’t so bad.
Stress that the timing was off
It was, in the sense that when you first dated, you were only 24 and had blokes queuing up for it. The timing’s perfect now, given that you’re a decade older and he still has some hair. Makes it seem more like a rom-com about star-crossed lovers, rather than a calculated decision driven by declining fertility and soaring mortgage rates.
Explain how your priorities have changed
They have. Once you wanted to find your forever guy; now you need someone to split the rent with. Both are equally valid and indeed the latter is rather more pressing. The story narrated to your girlfriends needs to include how you didn’t realise your ultimate man was there the whole time, hidden as he was by an unironic Wurzels T-shirt.
Tidy up your backstory
Stress that recent years have been spent wandering in dewy woodland clearings, sighing and hoping for your prince to appear. Leave out panic-shagging your way through Bumble in the hope you’d find someone better. Recount your loneliness, neglecting to mention it was at 2am after the man you thought a solid prospect left for an Uber he never mentioned summoning.
Focus on the future.
The past doesn’t exist. You’re together now and that’s the important thing. That old iPhone you keep around, the one with all the ex-boyfriends’ numbers still on the WhatApp account, the one you only fire up after an evening’s drinking? That’s just for emergencies.
$50m Victoria’s Secret fantasy bra ‘just covers up tits’
THE diamond-studded bra worn by Kylie Jenner at a Victoria’s Secret show has been criticised by men for hiding her breasts from view.
The bra, made up of 18-carat gold and 4,410 diamonds, weighed too much to offer the ‘support’ women claim they need bras for and was not as titillating as good, honest naked boobs would have been.
Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “I don’t mind the women having the wings. They don’t get in the way of anything important.
“But ordinary bras, to my mind, don’t do anything except unjustly conceal most of the tit, and this one does that with diamond tassles on. It’s a $50 million slap in the face to the average bloke.
“And not just him. Timotheé Chalamet was on the side, and it’s only his incredible acting skills that stopped him shouting ‘Get ‘em out!’ while his girlfriend sashayed past. He deserves an Oscar, or if that’s taken we could sling him a Bafta.
“In summary bras are resented by men, expensive bras are resented even more and five million dollar bras are resented by every man in the entire world. Next time don’t bother.”
Sophie Rodriguez, aged 33, added: “Also I wouldn’t much fancy a diamond-tipped underwire poking me in the tit.”
Six knackering manual professions office workers stupidly dream of doing
WISTFULLY staring at manual workers imagining they have it easier than you? Any one of these good, honest careers would cause your underpaid limbs immense pain:
Gardening
Nothing beats leaving the rat race for a job where you literally touch grass. Charlatans like Monty Don has convinced idiots that gardening is a form of mindfulness and artistic expression, overlooking how much of it is digging, sawing, clipping and lugging around literal sacks of shit. A fortnight of it and you’ll hate plants.
Bartending
Ever been an a night out where you’re not drinking and everyone else is? F**king awful, yeah? That’s every night as a bartender. Spending every night with lager-breathed arseholes and pretending to like them is a skillset office workers simply do not have because they are those arseholes, every Friday night.
Farming
Not everyone wants to follow their primal agricultural instincts, though financiers with untaxed nest eggs are powerfully attracted. The romanticism of owning a farm is sullied by the perpetual whinging farmers are legally obliged to do, about foot-and-mouth or milk prices or the bloody weather. But you’ll be enough like Clarkson to be admired by bigots.
Carpentry
Why not do a reverse Harrison Ford and go from six figures to sawing door jambs? Your current job may not be Hollywood but after a few months at a lathe it will f**king feel like it. Dovetail joints look sexy on Instagram but are an absolute bastard in practice. You’ll wish you were back at your desk, ignoring fine examples of woodworking all around you.
Nursing
After watching The Pitt while commuting, you surely know most of what’s covered in a decade of medical studies. And there’s enough cool in being a caregiver to carry you through graveyard shifts as miserable as an annual conference. Where else but A&E would you find sex toys lodged in funny orifices? Annual conferences, actually.
Scaffolding
Inhaling second-hand vape fumes for eight hours straight is not worth it for being four storeys up. Nor is the risk of an early death worth all-chat about which Marvel superhero has the best tits. It’s hard, all-weather, exhausting, labour. You’ll stare in at offices and wish you could be in there with them. And it’s Captain Marvel, definitely.
The Poke
Trump invented a made-up word and a made-up medical procedure in the same sentence, and the internet can’t decide which to fact-check first
Another mid-term campaign stop for the President of the United States of America, another insane conspiracy theory that sounds like it came from a 4chan message board in 2011. Donald Trump made a visit to Dalton, Georgia to drum up support for senate, congressional, and gubernatorial races in the state. As is his custom, he […]
The Poke.
JD Vance got interrupted by a heckler and the only thing more disturbing than his response was the reaction of the Maga crowd
The more Maga leaders tour America in an effort to inspire their supporters to keep them in power at next month’s mid-term elections, the more damage they seem to be doing. Donald Trump and JD Vance have popped up in cities across swing states stumping for local candidates and each appearance brings another bizarre, or […]
The Poke.
Kevin Eldon’s ‘Amish Sex Pistols’ sketch from back in the day will never fail to make our day better
Kevin Eldon is an underrated comedy genius. Even if you don’t immediately recognise his name, you’ll surely be familiar with his face as he’s appeared in so many brilliant TV shows and films including Hot Fuzz, Four Lions, I’m Alan Partridge, Brass Eye, Nighty Night, Green Wing, The IT Crowd, Detectorists, Inside No. 9 and […]
The Poke.
Gregg Wallace is thinking about making ‘movies’ on YouTube – 14 funniest zero star reviews
Now he’s no longer on MasterChef for reasons we surely don’t need to go into here, Gregg Wallace has been spending a lot of time on YouTube, doing restaurant reviews about Harvester, stuff like that. But it turns out checking out the salad cart or the all you can eat brunch is not the limit […]
The Poke.
What corporate phrase means ‘we are going to exploit you’? – 17 sayings employees should be wary of
Offices are full of meaningless jargon that workers are forced to tolerate. If you’ve ever had to put a pin in some blue sky synergising, you’ll know what we mean. And while most of these words are just tedious, some of them can be a warning that you’re being taken advantage of. To find out […]
The Poke.
